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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Fredo Disappoints Teachers00:01:31
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show.
Vacation is over, kids.
You're going back to school, says Meatball.
New York schools can reopen, Cuomo says, in contrast with much of U.S., we all know Governor Cuomo.
I affectionately call him Meatball.
And we know his brother, Chris Fredo Cuomo Corleone, who was offended at the name Fredo.
He thought it was a slur against Italian Americans.
So now we call him Chris Fredo Cuomo Corleone.
And we remember, and we forgive him for his lie that he had coronavirus and beat it by chest exercises.
Remember that when Chris Cuomo had coronavirus and beat it by going like this.
That's how he beat it.
So we apparently shut down the economy for something that you can beat by just stretching your chest in the living room of your home.
So we forgive him for his lie, okay?
Like we would do.
We would say, what's that line in the Godfather?
Which one?
I don't know.
He's disappointed in the kid.
Is that the Godfather?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Where he's like, I don't know.
Doesn't he look at Fredo and he goes, Fredo, you disappoint me or something.
What's that famous line?
I know it was you, Fredo.
That was, you know.
Unnecessary Risk for Educators00:15:59
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Here it is.
I know it was you, Fredo.
He go up to my heart when you're lying about having coronavirus and that you beat it by doing chest exercises, but we forgave you.
Your family, that's fine.
Meatball has decided that the kids are going back to school and cases in New York are very low and people are just going to get back to the business of, you know, bringing the kids into New York City schools and, you know, not educating them.
But so we're happy about that.
And the teachers are, a lot of the teachers are not happy.
A lot of the teachers are upset.
But let's be very honest here.
And I get flacked for this a lot, but I don't shy away from controversial opinions.
Let's be very honest.
Have you ever, and some of the people listening are going to not like this.
Have you ever met a teacher that wasn't just a little bit of a self-important cunt?
I'm speaking of the female teachers.
The male teachers, we all know, are just pedophiles.
Many of them very agreeable, though, and friendly.
I mean, they have to be.
You know, they fuck the kids.
But I mean, female teachers many times are self-important, for lack of a better word.
See you next Tuesdays.
It's just what they are.
They spend their entire lives with children.
They talk to you like you were a child.
Teaching is not the job it was when my grandmother did it, when you didn't get paid to do it.
And it was, you had a genuine passion for teaching children.
Now it is a job that a lot of people take because it pays very well in a lot of suburban areas.
And also they get the two prime months of the year off.
So I've likened them to summer enthusiasts.
That's what I call a lot of teachers, summer enthusiasts.
Okay, they show up at 7.30 in the morning.
They hand out some folders.
You're out by 2.30 every day.
Oh, no, they don't leave at 2.30.
They stay for chef's club.
Great.
Great.
Okay.
Now, not all teachers are bad.
Okay.
Not all teachers are bad.
But if we're going to broadbush cops, if we're going to paint with a broadbrush, let's paint.
You know what I mean?
And a lot of teachers, these social interactions you have with them, you dread them.
They start explaining things to you like you need them explain.
Bitch, I'm not nine.
I know what the Supreme Court is.
Pipe down.
Okay?
Teaching is the most important job in the world.
It is not the most important job in the world.
America is so behind in every educational standard.
And all we do is praise teachers.
The statistics are much worse for teachers than for cops.
Much worse.
Yes or yes.
Where is American reading and math?
Let's find it out right now.
If cops were shooting as many people as teachers were failing, it would be a cause to abolish them.
And this is not all teachers.
And I don't want people that are teachers to get angry with me.
I want you to grow up and take a little criticism, okay, from a comedian, someone who really knows the ins and outs.
I have a value in society, unlike you.
Showing up to a fucking...
Let's try to find where we are in math and reading.
This is from October 2019.
Okay?
Math and reading scores for fourth and eighth graders in the United States dropped.
And the decrease in reading achievement has government researchers particularly concerned.
Over the past decade, there has been no progress in either mathematting or reading performance.
And the lowest performing students are doing worse.
Okay?
That's the reality.
I don't know how to, I mean, find the statistics.
I know it's tough, but try to find them because it's really an important point that I'm making here.
If we're going to say abolish cops, why not abolish teachers?
I'm dead serious here.
Let's abolish teachers.
If you think people can walk around society and police themselves, kids can teach themselves.
Let's have a school with no teachers, okay?
No new Toyota Camrys pulling up.
They get out with their latte.
I will get so much hate for this and I don't care because I've had an, I know a lot of teachers.
My aunt is a teacher.
I respect her.
My grandmother is a teacher and I respect her.
This is not going at all, teachers, but we all know there's a lot of bad teachers and the good teachers stay silent about it.
The good teachers stay silent about the bad ones.
I went to a Catholic school.
We had teachers that used to make out with the kids in the hallway.
And those were the good teachers.
Those are the ones who stayed after class and ran clubs and cared.
They helped you fill out your college application.
Sure, they goosed you.
Sure, every now and then they wanted your phone number and they wanted to take you on a date after school, but that's nice.
We did.
We had a teacher who was a theater teacher who just was like making out with a girl in the hallway.
Holy Trinity Diocesan Hicksville.
If you know, you know.
I'm not trying to get sued.
I have a friend whose wife's a teacher.
I mean, it's like, I mean, they're just, they just show up and they just tell you, they talk to you like you're a child.
And I'm just saying.
So the problem is a lot of them are going to be upset.
They feel like they're being put in an unnecessary risk.
And maybe some of them are.
But if Meatball wants the kids to go back to school, the kids are going to go back to school.
That's what's going to happen.
And as a teacher, you want to educate the kids and you're passionate about it.
You're going to have to take a little bit of a chance.
And I don't say that lightly.
Oh, Tim, you get to work alone.
You don't have to be around anybody.
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Okay?
I'm sorry that I chose the profession I chose.
I went 10 years without making a dollar.
I worked on a tour bus.
I tried to sell photocopiers over the phone.
You went to a school.
You got a degree.
You got an education.
You have all the financial security, pretty much that you can ask for.
Not always, but a lot of the time.
Especially these teachers that teach in the burbs.
And, you know, okay, world's best education systems.
They're saying that we're number two.
That's not true.
All of them are finding are saying we're number one or two.
That's not me, right?
This is the teachers are running this.
This is not true.
This feels all fake.
Everything I click on says you're not.
Everything is a lot.
The kids can't read out there.
The kids are on, they take all these pills.
They're black-eyed nihilists, the kids.
We did the video with the kids.
That little kid Oliver in there, he's a black-eyed nihilist.
He literally believes in nothing, the children.
They think nothing matters, and they're right.
U.S. We're going to have to get back to you with these fucking statistics.
Our fans will go and find them.
If we're 125 on a list of 197 countries in terms of literacy, how do we have the best education system on all these levels?
You can't get the right answers here anymore.
Nobody's giving you the right answers.
We're not the best education system in the country.
I mean, it's crazy.
It's crazy.
We're not.
Most of these teachers don't even know the three branches of government.
Go ask a teacher what the three branches of government are in a public school.
They're going to say the fire department as one of them.
Okay, I found one that this is usually where we are.
Yeah, we're 20th.
We're 20th behind Finland, Japan, South Korea, Denmark, Russia, Norway, United Kingdom, Israel, Sweden, Hong Kong, Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, China, Singapore, Portugal, Hungary, Estonia, France, and then the United States of America.
So the answer is put the kids back in school, trim the fat.
That's the reality.
Some of the teachers aren't going to make it.
I feel bad about that.
The world is not perfect.
We could all die tomorrow.
I could die tomorrow.
And then all you'd be left with is these brilliant archives of a misunderstood genius.
Okay?
But Meatball has spoken.
And he has said that there is no economy without the kids in schools.
There is no economy without the children going back to school so that their parents can stop pretending to care about them.
One of the biggest impediments to putting the economy back together is kids are running around the streets right now filming TikToks and taking drugs.
And what needs to happen is they need to go back into school where they could be in a social environment and have teachers watch them and attempt to educate them.
Okay?
That's what we need so that their parents can go back to work.
That's what needs to happen.
We're not able to do anything unless the kids are in school.
So yeah, a lot of teachers are going to come down on me and go, you don't know what a hard job it is.
You don't know how tough it is.
Yeah, you're right I don't.
You're right I out.
Okay.
I will teach, but it's got to be what I want.
I'm not going to teach the common core curriculum that Meatball and his brother want.
I will teach.
I will teach different classes.
What about a class called 9-11, a closer look with Mr. Dillon?
I'll do it.
Okay?
But I'm not going to teach this horseshoe here, the Scarlet Letter, read the Scarlet Letter.
What?
Hey, read Tales of the Fourth Grade, nothing.
No.
We're not doing that.
We will spend the semester investigating the attacks of 9-11.
And you will go home every day and tell your parents what you've learned.
The kids that, I don't know how the Paul brothers did in school, but they're doing fine.
Jake Paul's doing fine.
He's got an arsenal.
FBI removes firearms from Jake Paul's mansion in probe of shopping mall riot.
I commend him.
I go the other way.
I say get more guns, Jake.
Get a nuke.
Get some chemical weapons.
Start experimenting, manipulating bat coronaviruses.
That seems to have worked.
I say go big.
LA is going to fall.
All my friends like Whitney Cummings and Joe Rogan, they're going to be out of here.
I need to ingratiate myself with these people because they're going to have a compound and an arsenal.
Don't you need someone to make you laugh, Jake?
You got a harem of women.
You got enough people to film you, but you're going to need a jester, a court jester.
Let me walk around your Calabasas mansion and be a goofball.
You can throw things at me, break eggs on my head.
And when the city falls, I will be behind the walls with you and the RPGs that you own.
Yes or yes?
Please.
Please, God help me.
I can't be here when the city crumbles.
The only people that are going to be able to defend themselves when the end comes are YouTubers and TikTokers.
Charlie D'Amilio is going to have a house with a moat with alligators in it.
If you get too close, they're going to burn you alive.
They're going to torch you.
So I just need to get in with these people for Christ, God.
What's wrong?
He made one mistake.
He left a rifle by the hot tub and some rat, some rat informed on him.
No good.
I will enforce loyalty.
I will be the gesture.
I will make you laugh.
I just want to know that when the end comes, I will be behind the gates, behind the walls, and I will be protected by your considerable arsenal.
And I think we should start expanding, quite frankly.
I don't think we should only have guns.
I think we should experiment with a small bioweapons lab on the property.
You have the space.
You have the spaces, Calabasis.
You have the space.
Let's do a small bioweapons lab.
Why not?
I hope he has that.
I hope he has a hydrogen bomb.
He deserves it because he didn't listen to teachers who told him to read his books and not go on YouTube.
He went on the internet and he said, I want to live in a big house with a lot of guns.
And I want to rap if I want.
And do I rap?
It doesn't matter anyway.
Does anyone even do anything anymore?
Nothing matters.
Our president was a game show host.
You can be whatever you want to be now.
You can be versatile.
All these TikTok girls just have these auto-tune songs and the whole song is like, I'm sad, I get that.
Other people get that.
Where's that?
I'm sad.
You're sad.
Doesn't matter.
They can't fucking sing.
Can you do an auto-tune on my voice?
In post, I can.
Yeah, if you want to sing right now.
You're sad.
I got sad.
We all got time sometimes.
I think I'm happy, but I'm sad.
I've human sad.
Millions of dollars.
They're sad all the time, but it doesn't matter.
So I commend him, and I want to join forces with him in his, what I imagine the FBI is calling a loosely formed militia.
I don't know.
What even happened to this guy?
What do you have?
A bunch of guns?
They took the guns.
Yeah, they just took his guns.
Yeah.
He needs guns.
Yeah, he does.
The guy needs guns.
He's done well.
I'm just offering my services here as somebody that could commit to the operation.
Yeah.
I like that.
I like this.
This is when he got in trouble for the mall thing.
He goes, I'm above that.
He said, I don't need to vandalize.
I don't need to loot.
I know it's not the way forward.
Again, that's like a better position than Joe Biden.
Why does Jake Paul have a better position?
Why can't Joe Biden say that?
Why can't Joe Biden say, yeah, chaos and violence is not the way forward?
Why is Jake Paul making more sense than Joe Biden?
Can Joe Biden say that?
Close Election Polls00:05:38
Can Joe Biden come out and say anything publicly?
Is he alive?
Do you want to lose again?
I don't understand.
Trump's going to win again with a pandemic and an economic crash.
He's going to win again.
These polls are not right.
I watched that interview where everybody was like, Trump is, he looks so bad because he does get crazy with the papers.
He starts flinging these papers around and look at this chart and look at that chart.
Papers are never a good idea in an interview.
It's never a good idea to be like, and look at the diagram that nobody wins.
Nobody wins.
I was a juror on a murder trial.
And as soon as the lawyers brought out the diagrams and everything, we all just went to sleep.
It's true.
Okay.
We didn't even pay attention.
It's like, use your words.
And if you can't, stop.
Like, look at this photo, this, and the blood splattering and all that.
No one cares.
So it's never a good idea to use that.
What makes sense, okay, is to just speak and say what those things say.
But when I watched the interview, I was actually pleasantly surprised with Trump.
I thought he was composed.
I thought he was eloquent.
I thought he made some bad points and some good ones, but I didn't see anything.
I mean, it was like, they're trying to win an election on Twitter.
They're going to lose it in real life.
You have a British guy.
Get an American.
You have a British guy.
Most people have like a weird reaction to a British guy being like, oh, yes.
I don't think he's lost that, actually.
Well, actually, Mr. President Hardy, I don't think he's lost that.
Nobody wants that.
Get an American reporter who can try to do a takedown of this guy because they've got their own problems in Britain.
Okay.
Megan Markle and that idiot are here now.
They live in LA.
So we don't need somebody from outside of our country critiquing our country.
Okay.
And I know he's a citizen or whatever.
He's white.
So I can say whatever I want in terms of him being an outsider.
He's got a British accent.
If he was that American, he would not speak.
I don't even know if he's a citizen or what he is.
But my point is that there's a visceral reaction to that.
Also, Trump made a lot of good points about Portland.
Not so much.
I don't like the vans picking up the people.
I'm not for that.
I think it's a bad idea.
But in explaining that, divorcing myself from any emotion, in explaining that he did a good job explaining that.
I don't think he's necessarily right, but he did a good job.
And I just think, again, you know, you're looking at, and the mail-in voting thing, it's like, what are we not going to know the winner of the election on the night of the election?
Seems that way, yeah.
We're going to have a month or two of not knowing.
I mean, are we insane?
That was fun in 2000 because we all didn't hate each other yet.
So it was really fun.
Like late night hosts were funny.
SNL was doing some of their best work.
We're all making fun of Catherine Harris, the Secretary of State of Florida.
I mean, it was goofy.
People like, we don't need a president.
No one cared.
It was 2000.
Things were good.
There was no 9-11.
Nobody knew what the Taliban was.
Everybody was fine.
Social media hadn't taken over our lives.
We weren't inundated with every new development.
I mean, it was 24-hour cable news, but there was a healthy dose of detachment.
There were people that were mad about it and people that were invested in it.
But it was nowhere near what a month of not knowing the outcome of this election will be.
Not knowing the outcome of this election will be fatal probably for the country.
We really need to know.
So the only way to have this election is hope to God a second wave does not hit.
I hope to God a second wave does not hit in the fall because if a second wave comes in the fall and people are unable to vote and they are sending in mail-in ballots and the legitimacy of those is going to be challenged.
It's going to be a close election.
Both sides are not going to accept it.
The winner is going to be seen as illegitimate.
There's going to be riots and chaos and protests and problems and this and that.
The economy's not, you know, it's going to be the perfect fucking storm for this country.
So I'm hoping, and Trump made a few points about that.
And, you know, and I think Trump is obviously the advantage there because his voters are crazy a little bit, some of them, not all of them.
But, you know, Democrats, their voters probably have a higher incidence of not going to the polls.
But you got to go vote.
Wear the mask and vote.
That's what you got to do.
I mean, I think we just have to have an election.
We have to have an election.
Wear the mask and vote.
If you can protest, if you can go out, if you can gather, if we can open schools, as Meatball said, then we can have a real election where you wear a mask and you sanitize your hands and you press a button.
I believe that.
I don't know.
You know, Trump goes with universal mail-in voting, not absentee voting, which is good.
2020 will be the most inaccurate and fraudulent election in history.
Do not allow this, by the way.
Take this issue away from him by having a regular election, hopefully if we can, unless Corona is exploding and it's crazy.
You know, at which point, I mean, I guess you still have to have one.
I mean, I don't know that you can do a mail-in election that anyone is going to see is valid, to be honest.
It's the first time we've had an all-mail-in election.
And if it's very close, it's just going to be a problem.
This is not the climate to start like trying new things.
Let's vote by text.
Like, this is not the time.
You got to probably do it the old-fashioned way so that people can feel comfortable in the result.
Mail-In Voting Problems00:09:12
I don't know.
But I'm just wondering about that.
I'm not certain that it's susceptible to the type of fraud he thinks it is, but I'm sure it is susceptible to a certain level of fraud.
You know, I don't know about that.
You know, I just moved to the desert.
We used to get, my roommate wanted us to get her mail.
We used to put her mail in the thing.
And when she got it, we would go, oh, good.
You know, like, I didn't even think she'd ever get it.
You know, wasn't my job to send her her mail, but we did it.
We did it nicely.
You know what I mean?
We didn't do anything wrong.
You know, we had a little issue with the roommate.
You know, we had a little issue there.
And I mean, it's not, you know, I talk about my life on the show and I like this young woman and I feel bad about what happened.
But me and you were accused wrongly of destroying an apartment with leftovers, food.
It was said that they were maggots and they were thinking, none of this is the case.
It's not true.
This is untrue.
It's untrue.
And we don't like it.
It's not nice when people say things like that.
When I've been very nice to those people, it's very not nice.
You know what I mean?
And if people, you know, people may be having experiences that aren't based in reality because of drinking and substances.
And that's, that is, I was a drug addict for many years.
I get it.
And I would just say that reality, you need to operate from reality.
You cannot operate from a place of, you know, you cannot blame me for bugs in the apartment if you're feeling the sensation of bugs on your skin, because that is not something in reality.
That is a symptom of crack cocaine.
And again, and that's, it's neither here nor there.
She's not really a public person.
It doesn't matter.
Obviously, I would never say her name.
But I just feel that I just don't like, I don't like the lying.
I don't like lying.
Just be nice.
Everybody's nice here.
We're all nice.
All we try to do is help.
All I try to do is do work to bring people happiness and joy.
And I just don't understand why.
I don't understand why that's not appreciated more and that it's denigrated and that you're attacked, you're texted and you're attacked.
I was attacked, yes.
You were attacked.
And I left that place clean.
Threw everything out in the dumpster.
You know what it is?
If you're huffing chemicals, do you really know what's going on?
And I'm not saying she is, but I'm just saying if you have blue lips from huffing chemicals, I don't know.
I don't know what you're seeing.
You might be seeing things.
You might be seeing animals climbing windows.
And that's my fault too.
I don't know.
It's not my, you know.
But I just, you know, peace and light.
Love and light.
That's all I put out.
All I put out is goodness, love and light.
And that's like that real housewife from New Jersey, the woman that I don't know, the FBI and the Co-Corps, Danielle, Danielle, Danielle, Danielle, Real Housewife Jersey, Danielle, Danielle.
Oh, Danielle Staub, whose real name is Beverly Ann Merrill.
She used to say love and light.
And she was involved with all kinds of crazy people and did all kinds of crazy things.
But that is what I profess to do.
I just bring love and light and I try to be, bring positivity and joy to people.
And I just want that to kind of be respected.
And like this idea that I would like I'm some type of animal or some barnyard creature is just not the case.
I mean, this is just not the case.
And I don't, I don't understand why this is being, I mean, I scratched her car.
I borrowed her car to go to Nobu and Malibu and I scratched the front of it.
And I paid thousands of dollars to have a new panel put on the car.
Correct.
I got new brake pads for the car, new shocks for the car, everything like that.
The car is a 10-year-old hatchback of a car.
It's what?
I gave, you know, I was going to say, hey, take the money for the car instead.
Take the money for the car and just drive it with a scratch.
I'll give you the two grand that it would cost to fix the car.
You take that two grand, you know, and go buy heroin.
Now, but I fixed the car and then she texted me because you destroyed the car.
I don't know.
I just, I got eventually going to talk about things here.
What am I going to do?
Not speak of the things that haunt me, that wake me up at night.
I'm a good person.
I just do the right things.
All I do is help do the right things here.
And then I'm attacked.
I fucked the car up.
I destroyed the apartment.
I destroyed this woman's life.
I did none of that.
I did none of that.
I'm getting text all night.
I'm a horrible person.
I've destroyed this.
Everything I touch turns to shit.
This is horrible to say to a human being.
I'm a sensitive boy.
I'm a sensitive young man.
You can't say those things to me.
That's mean.
What are you, Ellen DeGeneres?
Have some conscience.
We had a lovely dinner.
You threw out all of the things from La Scala.
In the dumpster, not even in the trash.
In the dumpster, they went.
I don't understand why these attacks, not only on me, but on you.
On me as well.
This innocent kid from Texas is just a wide-eyed, he just came to L.A., you know, and he doesn't eat.
I know these people.
I've grown up with these people.
Okay.
I'm not roommates with somebody by accident.
We're both scumbags.
I'll be a drug addict till I die.
I just don't currently use drugs, but I am a scumbag.
This gentleman doesn't deserve that.
He grew up, he went to like a schoolhouse, you know, where it's one house.
And they had a school.
You did.
And they had a school marm.
And he would go in.
And I mean, this kid just grew up.
I mean, the stories he has, the life he's lived, he just deserves a little respect.
You can't attack.
You can attack me because I'm a dirtbeck.
Like everyone I've ever met.
Isn't that funny?
Isn't it funny how dirtbags seem to find each other?
But I'm just saying it's wrong to attack Benjamin as well.
I think that's a little shitty to do.
We didn't go in there.
I wasn't throwing chicken parmesan all over the apartment.
Hey!
Shaq's like I was taking shits on the floor.
It's an old apartment.
You have old rugs.
It's musty.
You have clothes.
It's gross.
It's a shithole.
That's why we live there because it was a shithole.
It's not nice.
Okay.
It's a place for an actor to hang themself.
That's what the apartment is.
And I'm sorry there was an odor in the apartment.
I'm sorry.
Yes.
Okay.
Febreeze it all so that the next person who lives there and tries to kill themself, it smells frat.
I don't know what to tell you, but the tech started rolling and it came to me and it came to Benjamin.
I'm not spending the whole show on this, but I just feel like it's a little much.
It's a little much the attacks.
I'm disappointed to impugn my character as such.
That's all.
It disappoints me.
He doesn't understand the way people, I understand the way people operate.
He doesn't even understand it through no fault of his own.
He comes from vast open expanses, big blue skies.
He doesn't get it.
He doesn't get wheeler dealers.
He doesn't understand the different people and the way that they operate in this planet.
He doesn't get it.
I get it.
I've known him since I was a young child.
He's never met someone like Meatball.
The governor of New York, Andrew Cuomo, or his brother.
Chris Fredo Cuomo Corleone.
This is his real name.
I'm not being racist against Italians.
That's his name, Frisk, who didn't have coronavirus.
Never forget.
Staying in Centrist Lane00:06:52
No, you beat it like this.
No, you don't.
He didn't have it.
Never forget.
Liar.
Liar, liar.
So we're on the other side of that now.
I wish this woman the best.
Same.
I wish everyone the best.
I'm saddened.
I'm saddened.
I'm saddened by the lack of decorum.
What happened to people knowing how to communicate with you?
This social media has fucked everything up.
I really believe that.
Do you think that?
Yeah.
This social media.
I mean, this social media has really fucked everything up.
It has really destroyed people's minds as crack cocaine does.
This is just, I'm just comparing social media to crack.
I'm not, they're very similar.
You get a hit.
You want another hit.
No more brain.
Who is speaking at the Democratic National Convention?
Not AOC, they say.
This year's virtual time crunch Democratic National Convention isn't making space for many top Democrats to speak.
The DNC is set aside just two hours every night from August 17th through the 20th for the convention where former President Joe Biden will prove he's alive.
Joke.
Accept the nomination.
That has led the Biden campaign to make some ruthless cuts to some of the highest profile Democrats out there, though the convention's official schedule is far from finalized.
It goes without saying that the party's two most popular figures, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama, will get a big role, even with time limited.
Former President Bill Clinton and 2016 nominee Hillary Clinton are in as well.
The Clintons are in.
Why not have Ghislaine Maxwell speak at the convention if we're going to have the Clintons there?
Credible accusation of him being on Epstein's Island.
They're going to roll him out at the convention.
Have Barack, have Michelle, have Meatball.
Done.
Meatball, Michelle, Barack, Biden, over.
Not AOC.
Not Ilhan Omar.
Easy.
Stay in the main centrist lane.
You're not going to give anyone health care anyway.
You might as well win the election.
Maybe then you do something good.
You cannot have Bill Clinton out there.
The man looks like he died years ago, and he did die years ago.
So he died when he could stop sticking his dick in whatever he wants.
He had a heart condition.
He had to go vegan.
AOC reportedly does not have a slot yet, nor do any of her fellow progressive political newcomers.
But the party has reportedly made room for Ohio Governor John Kasich, a Republican who ran against President Trump in 2016.
He'll speak on the same night as Bernie Sanders in a demonstration of unity.
So John Kasich is going, well, you know, Bernie's people love that.
They love when, you know, someone else and Bernie get together that, you know, might have, you know, might not be traditionally a guy that you'd think would align with Bernie.
They handled that very well.
I think I remember Bernie went on a podcast with a guy that maybe wouldn't traditionally be a Bernie supporter, but really liked Bernie's platform.
And I seem to remember the left handling that very well.
Not to leave the right out of criticism.
The other day I was out in the desert and there was a Trump rally.
You know, like, it's just these rich, middle-aged women.
Here's what it is, man.
It just gives them something to do.
Yeah.
It gives them something to do.
It's just these rich middle-aged women in hatchback, Mercedes, top-down, pink Trump flags, women for Trump.
They pull into some parking lot.
They're all yelling.
You're all trying to get people to honk as they drive by.
And it's like, well, what is the point here?
What exactly are we doing?
Like, who cares?
Why are, can you just enjoy your fucking top-down Mercedes on a nice day and drive, listen to some music, put on a little David Bowie and just go?
You got to have a woman for Trump sign.
Flags.
They have flags in the car.
Put it on my Instagram.
And then they pulled over and they all start, you know, beeping.
No masks, by the way.
Many of them were maskless.
Yeah, this is on my Instagram.
I, on the story, it should still be there.
No, no, it's over.
24 hours.
If you didn't see it, it's over.
24 hours to get the good stuff on Instagram.
And then that is it.
But there's something funny to me about like, they call them like pool and patio types, like upper middle class or even potentially wealthy people that are like treating politics like it's like, you know, like some like pep rally.
It's like school spirit night because they have nothing to do.
They're unaffected by anything.
So they're just trying to find something in their life to get into.
So they listen to like Sean Hannity every day.
And they're like, you see them on Facebook all fighting with each other, trying to score points.
Like, you know, they're so satisfied when they write like a long comment.
They're like, now you go.
I'll raise you that.
And so much of this just comes out of boredom.
How much of this truly is boredom?
Ray Cump always says people don't have hobbies anymore.
Nobody's like trying to learn how to paint.
Nobody's doing any woodworking.
Nobody's putting together a table.
They're just looking for something to lose themselves in, some social fucking situation.
It's just their identity.
I mean, these women, women for like the woman was like, like the woman who's driving the car, me, Devin, and I are in the car and we look at her and she's like, and we just smiled and she was like, you're smiling.
But I wanted to, you know, drive by them.
And I think it's funny whenever you see, no matter what group they are, especially if they're Republican, but if they're really like frothing at the mouth and they're happy, it's always funny to just take it a step further, like see how far they'll go.
See how far they'll go.
It's just a little funny.
I wanted to drive by and be like, yeah, white power.
Just to see like what these like upper middle class desert housewives would do.
Like, you know, if I just drove by and I was like, yeah, yeah, Trump, Trump, Heil Hitler.
I mean, would they have gone along with it?
I don't know.
How bad are things getting?
You know, would a bunch of like housewives just start fucking making Nazi salutes in the middle of the street?
How bad is it out there?
Sometimes I want to know.
You know, it's just a hot climate for race.
Karaoke and Cultural Appropriation00:08:46
I read an article the other day about cultural appropriation.
I can't understand.
Again, cultural appropriation, I don't understand.
All cultures add to each other.
I mean, some of it, obviously.
Some of it obviously is, yeah, the call that's how viral TikTok videos laying bare cultural appropriation through slang.
See, I don't even know what this is, but I mean, again, could there be any less important issue than cultural appropriation?
I mean, obviously within reason.
If you're a white person, you should don't walk around in a dashiki like Nancy Pelosi or whatever.
Don't, you know, you don't need dreadlocks if you're a white person, you know?
There's something weird about white millennial women opening up a fried chicken restaurant, but it should be allowed.
You shouldn't go crazy like in Portland where it was like people making burritos and they weren't Mexicans.
So they had to close their stand down.
Should be within reason.
But the reason this impacts me is because I was an actor as a kid.
I was in theater.
I was a man of the theater and I was a singer as a child and I sang and I had a beautiful voice.
And then after many, many years of hard living and cigarettes, I really can only sing one song.
I can only sing one song.
And what's unfortunate about this song is that it is a beautiful song.
It's one of my favorite songs.
It's a powerful song.
But it is traditionally sung by a black person.
And it is from a song.
It's from a show called Showboat.
And the words of the song correspond to that person's experience.
Now, I would never ask to play the role and sing the song in a play.
But if I wanted to sing it socially or at karaoke one night, I don't know why I shouldn't be allowed to sing it because I've smoked so many cigarettes and I've had a lot of dairy and I've treated my voice bad.
I just don't understand why I can't go to like a Los Angeles karaoke and go, old man River, that old man river, he don't say.
You have to do a little bit of like the black said.
I'm not even, I don't even want to do it.
It's like, I'm not mad if a black person was singing like an Irish song.
I would think it's beautiful.
If if Erica Badu sang Danny Boy, I would tears down my face.
And if you jazzed it up, Dan and Bai, Dan and Ba, the Pampsa con, how great would that be?
Why am I upset by that?
Why am I upset by Erica Badu singing Danny Boy?
I'm not.
So why can't I?
Because I can hit the notes.
He don't plantators.
See, I can go down there low and I can stay down there and it's nice.
He, old man River, he just keeps rolling.
Like, why, why is that offensive?
I understand.
I'm not saying that I'm like, I'm not like piggybacking off the experience of slavery, the original sin of America.
I get it.
It's horrible.
My question is, I don't want to play the role.
If I were to sing Old Man River at karaoke, would that be okay?
Get a little drunk and get thrown in jail.
Like that.
Now, it's not my experience as a white suburban guy, but I have a very deep voice.
It is not my choice.
I would like to sing at a higher pitch, but I can't.
And I think this becomes a problem.
So cultural appropriation, you know, within reason has never bothered me because I really can only sing Old Man River impressively.
That's the only song that I can sing.
And I don't care if somebody else wants to sing another song.
How cool would that be?
Can't we get mature as a society and get past all this shit?
Erica Badu comes on, sings Danny Boy, makes Irish people cool.
I don't care that Erica Badu is not some drunk standing on a hill or whoever the fuck is supposed to be singing Danny Boy, whatever experience she's, you know, trying to piggyback.
You know, how great would it be?
Oh, this is interesting.
Is it cultural appropriation when a black woman does an Irish dance?
They're probably going to say no, because in the whole hierarchy, because black people have faced more oppression than Irish people, they're allowed.
But I think that's a bad way to order society.
It creates all this unnecessary, you know, consternation and it's very confusing and it creates resentment.
And I don't think you need to do that.
I think what you should do is have everybody experience each other's cultures, add to each other's cultures.
Fusion food is great because maybe you take French, you know, Les Panas, which is a great restaurant.
It doesn't exist anymore, but it was in New York City.
It was in the St. Regis Hotel.
None of you literally have ever been.
And the chef of the guy named Greg Kuns, Kuns, Kuns, whatever.
Let's call them Kuns for this fucking point of the show.
And he used classical French techniques and Asian flavors.
So he would use things like lemongrass and things like that and then use classical.
And it was like the top restaurant in the city.
Beautiful.
I never went.
I never went to Les Panas.
I always wanted to go.
And my parents never took me to Les Panas.
So I became a gay cocaine addict and gave them no children.
And I'm going to see them in New York before they will both die of COVID in the second wave.
And I promise that they will both die of COVID in the second wave.
So I'm spending money on a trip.
They will both die of COVID.
But why would we not do that?
Why would we not take a technique from a country and an ingredient from a why would we not marry them together?
Now, I get we all cringe when we see like young, young white people like like rapping or something.
Like we all kind of like, you see a young white girl be like, yo, yo, like we all go, yeah, no, we all feel a certain way.
We feel a certain way.
But I tell you this.
I'll tell you this.
You would not feel that way if you saw me sing Old Man River.
You would not feel that because you would look at me and understand immediately that I know the pain, not all of the pain, but I've had pain and I have I can express myself in a way that is that I do that I honor the song and I honor the material.
You know, when a white girl's just like, that's not it.
But when I get up there and I go, spend a little money and you wind up in, oh, and you land in jail.
When I hit that jail, when I hit that jail, when I hit it, all your doubts fly away.
Fly away.
I don't want to do it on stage.
I don't want to do it in a film.
I'm saying, can I, for karaoke, sing Old Man River and bring everybody down to the realities of racial injustice?
Because at karaoke, everybody's like just singing journey and all this horse shit.
And I want to get in there and sing something that makes an impact.
Sadly, the only thing I can sing is a very low song.
These are questions.
These are genuine questions.
I'm not, I'm not trying to, you know?
Should I have sang that to my roommate?
My ex-roommate.
Wage Slave Sucker Reality00:04:36
I like her.
She's a funny woman.
You know, it's just, it's unfortunate.
It's sad.
It's sad.
Wouldn't it be funny if you didn't tell me and you went back the next day and just destroyed the apartment with food?
And that's what she's talking about.
I just, you know, I just don't understand.
I understand that, you know, people often have a different view of the same set of circumstances.
This happens all the time when people are witnesses to a murder.
One person sees one thing, another person sees another thing, and they're looking at the same thing.
Eyewitness testimonies really a lot of times is kind of unreliable.
Sometimes it is reliable.
But a lot of times it isn't.
And it's not because people are lying.
It's because people are having different experiences.
And I think that we should recognize that and we should appreciate that.
I'm not saying that I feel like I got me too, but it was about leftover food.
That's what I feel like.
I feel like I was getting attacked, okay, by a woman saying things that were not true.
But the accusations were not sexual assault, sexual misconduct.
They were you left out leftovers and there are maggots.
That to me is a me too.
It is an assault.
I need to correct the record.
I need to say I need to categorically deny that I did it.
And I may need to hire a lawyer and sue her.
I will not stay silent.
I can't stay silent and I won't stay silent about the accusation that I left out food and that there were maggots and flies.
This is untrue.
Untrue.
This is untrue.
You know, we're doing video now on the Patreon for the Rothschilds, and we had a lot of fun.
We were watching Jim Baker, who's still around, selling buckets of food for the end times.
And now the end times have caught up.
But Jim Baker and the Rothschild tier of is the higher tier, the $20 podcast Patreon tier.
And I know some people are like, that seems anti-Semitic.
Not some people, one person, comic.
And I'm like, I know you can't make jokes, but at least try to understand them when they happen.
The two tiers are Skull and Bones and Rothschilds because it's the two conspiracy, you know, the introductory conspiracies, Skull and Bones, when you get initiated at Yale.
And then obviously most people believe that the biggest, you know, it all leads to the Rothschilds.
Obviously, it's not true, but it's funny to put them as the two tiers on the Patreon, you know?
So lighten.
Hey, lighten up out there.
Truly.
You know?
And good luck to the kids.
Going back to school.
Don't listen to anything the teacher says.
Move to Calabasas.
Start making YouTubes and get a gun because your teachers have no idea about the world.
They've never left their fucking classroom.
They have no idea.
They go home and drink wine.
Okay.
And all they do is plan vacations.
If you spoke to a teacher, if you speak to a teacher outside of school, they only talk about the vacations they're going on because they have 17 vacations a year.
Okay.
So if you're a kid out there and you listen to this program, just understand that Jake Paul is a much better role model than your teacher.
Okay?
He knows more about what you need to do to succeed than your teacher.
Motherfucker is living like Scarface, big mansion.
He's got guns everywhere.
He's got guns leaning on the hot tub.
He's got an RPG sticking out of the sauna.
That's how you want to you want to live like that or you want to be some wage slave sucker Just start dancing start talking start getting on the goddamn internet This is what I would say to the kids if they brought me in They showed me a picture of Jay Paul's house with the guns.
They say you want to live like that or you want to live like your father Your father can't pay his fucking bills couldn't even afford a gun.
This guy's got 10 Who do you want to live like all the kids kind of looking at me you want to live like him that guy's a boxer and he's got a he's got an arsenal and he raps He released a rap song.
Scarface Mansion Guns00:07:52
It's actually not horrible.
That's the thing now Everything is at a point now where it act nothing's actually that bad because everything's bad.
So actually nothing's that bad Everything I want to shit on I listen to and I go oh, this is bad, but it's just like regular bad like everything that has been in recent memory.
Everything is kind of bad.
The only thing that is not bad right now, do you know what it is?
Old Man River, the song?
No, the only thing that's not bad right now is the condition I left my apartment.
That was not bad.
And I said, keep the security.
That's the only thing right now that's not bad.
Email us fun roommate stories.
Do we have an email on this program?
Yeah, the TimDylon show at gmail.com.
Email us.
We're not going to read them.
Send them on over.
Send them on over.
Get it off your chest.
We're not going to read it and I won't mention them on your show, but send them over, get it off your chest.
What is it again?
The Tim Dylan show at gmail.com.
Tim Dylan Show at gmail.com.
Put it all in the spam folder, but who cares?
Maybe they're funny.
Maybe we'll read them.
Should we read them?
Bad roommates.
Are they all about me?
Well, people that have lived with me.
Listen, you fat fuck.
There's some people that hate me that I've lived with.
Yeah, that don't like me.
But then there's some people that liked me.
I'm trying to think of all the roommates that I've had.
Some of them have liked me.
Some of them, one other woman did not like me.
I lived with one woman in Brooklyn who would take three bites.
She was afraid of garbage.
She was afraid to have a garbage in the apartment because she goes, we get rats.
She goes, we have rats.
I said, okay.
I don't see any of them.
She goes, they're here.
I'm like, oh, good.
It's like the Nutcracker.
They come out at night with swords.
So she would take three bites out of the northeast corner of her toast and put it in the refrigerator every morning.
She had a bag of garbage hanging on the kitchen door that she would throw stuff out in.
And then she would walk it out every night.
Like she wouldn't have a guard.
There was no garbage, right?
So you're living with someone who has a problem.
You know what I mean?
She has a little bit of a problem.
And she did not like me.
We did not get along because I wanted a garbage.
Yeah, it was kind of a point of contention between both of us.
And she was trying to explain to me that we couldn't have a garbage.
And I wanted a garbage.
My first roommate I ever had was a woman who had her and her husband where she was a methed.
She was recovering.
Nice woman.
Not really, but me and her are lovely now.
And she had a husband and they got married in a gymnasium in Brooklyn.
And, you know, they were comedians and I lived there and we had a shower in the kitchen.
The bathroom was in the hall of the building and another apartment could use it.
We had a public bed.
We used a public bathroom.
The building was built in 1911.
We had bed bugs multiple times.
It was not a healthy environment for anybody and they didn't love me and I didn't love them and da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
I mean, it was just, it was just too close for comfort.
They had just gotten married.
That didn't last, but it was a good money grab.
They got some money at the time.
It was a good money grab, you know?
Then the next roommate I had was a woman with the toast and the no garbage.
And she was a strange, skittish, cat-like woman, very pensive, not someone, not an enjoyable person, riddled with anxiety.
Before anxiety became a fad, I mean, real anxiety, a strange woman, pale woman, ghost-like, young but old, if you know what I mean.
She would smoke cigarettes and stare at the night sky outside the building.
We lived on the other side of Prospect Park in Brooklyn, a strange woman.
And I didn't have a door to my room.
I had a curtain.
Just had a curtain.
And one day she called me and she's like, I need you out.
It's not working out.
Nothing had really happened.
I was like, okay.
And I went.
You know, what sucks is I went, I was like behind.
And I wasn't behind on rent, but I was behind like in my world because I give her rent on the first, but it was like almost the first.
I didn't have all the money.
So I went and I did a lot of tours on my tour bus.
I was really good.
And I got all this money and I finally had it.
And it was one of those New York moments.
I'm like, I did it.
I was down to the wire.
I gave three tours.
I earned like $300 on each tour in tips.
I walked out with like $350.
I had enough to go get a slice of pizza.
I'd just sit there and be like, I fucking did it.
I have the rent.
And then she called me before I even gave it to her.
She's like, yeah, I just think it's not working out.
And she goes, I don't know if I want a roommate or whatever.
And I'm like, great.
And I called my fucking aunt, my aunt Kathleen, the pretend lawyer in my family.
She's actually a lawyer, but she can't practice because she can't exist in an environment with other people.
So she has a pretend office downstairs in the basement.
She goes into and the phone's not even hooked up.
And she goes, I'm an attorney.
It's like ridiculous.
Literally the case.
She's unwell.
And she called her for some legal support.
She's like, you've got nothing.
All she has to give you is 30-day notice.
She's like, you got to get out of there.
I'm like, she's now yelling at me to get out.
I'm like, wait, what?
What's happening?
What happened to family?
So then I moved in with a Palestinian kid named Mazen.
He was a bartender, not a bad looking kid, kind of a good-looking Palestinian kid, you know?
And, you know, and then he, he one day called me and he goes, this was three days.
And again, when you don't have credit and you don't have money and you're living in the underground economy, you're rooming with people that are also in that position or they're if you have credit and money, you're not living in the places I lived.
So the idea that some of those people had the credit to get a lease, the money, but they're still somehow like in this swamp, this horrible building.
I mean, we lived next to a pest control place in Astoria.
And there was like a picture of a bed bug, a huge one, right outside my apartment.
So I just like looked at a photo of a bed bug.
You'd go home every day and you'd look at just pictures of roaches and bed bugs that were all over this building.
And then we live right next door.
And Mazin, I think that was his name.
I'm almost positive.
And he called me one day.
He goes, hey, bro, I'm not stupid.
You try to fuck me over.
And I don't play that shit.
So you better fucking come clean right now and admit what you did.
And I go, well, I don't, I'm at a loss.
And he goes, the utilities were $37 each, man.
I'm like, yep.
And he goes, I just fucking counted.
And he goes, and I'm not stupid.
I got $36 from you.
And I'm like, well, maybe one fell or I could have miscounted.
It was early in the morning before I left for work.
He's like, just don't fuck around with the money, man.
What he said, he goes, don't fuck around with the money.
So then I said, okay.
And then after a few months in there, I said, I just got to go.
I just, again, left him the security.
He just said, I just got to go.
I got to get out of there.
And then the next roommate I had was my grandmother on Long Island, who would say I was a louse and a carnival barker and would tell me to go shit in my hat.
She'd say, go shit in your hat.
And she would drink scotch.
She would say, why don't you get one thing from McDonald's for breakfast?
Get one thing.
And I said, why would I get one thing?
And she looked at me and she goes, because you're one person.
She was a hilarious woman.
And then the next roommate I had.
Oh, my grandmother was.
Relationship Pressures00:06:15
Oh, yeah.
And the next roommate I had was Oscar.
Yeah.
Wait, no.
No, it was Alan, an Astorian for a few years.
He was a nice guy who I like.
And then after Alan, the next roommate in Los Angeles was Oscar, the cat from Instagram, who's a terrorist, who would scream, blood-curdling screams in the middle of the night.
And you let him in, and then he would like eat food and then shit on the floor.
And then you'd have to let him back out.
I mean, he was a terrorist, you know, and I would always catch him.
He'd be on the dark web trying to order weapons.
He'd be in radical chat rooms trying to get people ready, you know, for something, for a quote-unquote big event.
He always said, I mean, this is a cat that was literally a real problem.
He's wanted by the FBI for inciting violence and threatening sitting members of Congress.
And then the next roommate I had was this lass.
And it was short.
When did I move in there?
January 15th.
January.
January 15th.
And what day is it today?
Today is August 7th.
And it's all over.
Yeah, just like that.
Just like that.
Happens just like that.
That's why Jake Paul's smart.
His only roommates are guns.
It's a smart kid.
January 15th, I moved in.
You know the exact date?
How do you know the date?
Because I remember the podcast episode we did, Skid Ray, was around that time.
Wow.
Because we built a new studio in that room.
Yeah.
Did Ray come right after I moved?
I don't feel like he did.
You guys were up in like Canada and then you came back.
It was Ray's first time visiting LA.
Yeah, but that was March.
But I moved in in January.
Yeah.
And February, and then quarantine happened.
And that just kind of, here's the thing, man.
I don't want to burst anybody's bubble.
But any friendship you have or relationship, if it's not real rock solid, this quarantine's going to fucking shred it.
It's going to shred it because a lot of people are feeling pressures right now that they've never felt.
People are handling it in different ways.
So if you do not have a real rock solid understanding of the dynamic of what's going on, this quarantine is going to really do it in.
It's true.
The quarantine is going to do it in, you know?
And that's okay.
Because here's the reality.
When the quarantine first happened and that coronavirus hit, you know, everybody was like, nothing's ever going to be the same.
And I was like, yeah, that's kind of true.
That's kind of true.
every relationship you're in, every setup you're in.
I mean, Ben is leaving the show next week and he's being replaced by Lee Sayat.
And that's because of the quarantine and all the stresses and the pressures that we're feeling.
We're bringing Lisayat in.
So, you know, in closing here, I just want to really speak to you from the heart and just tell you that this is going to be okay.
We're going to get on the other side of this.
Many of us won't be alive.
Country will be changed forever.
But right now, if things are starting to get strained with your significant other, if things are starting to feel like they're going the wrong way in a business relationship or in a friendship, accept it.
Don't fight it.
Because this has exposed all of the fault lines in many of the things that we do as a country, as individual people.
Do not fight the changing of the guard here.
Do not fight what has to happen.
You will not emerge from this period the same person you were when you started.
If you do, you've made a huge mistake.
There has never, ever been a better time to reevaluate what you were doing, why you were doing it, who you were surrounding yourself with, 100%.
And that is maybe one of the hardest lessons to learn from this period of time.
It's that it should change things.
And you should look around.
There are couples listening to this right now, uncomfortable.
Hundreds of thousands of downloads on this show between the YouTube and the audio.
There are couples right now listening to this and they're uncomfortable out there because they are realizing that what I'm saying is true.
Okay?
And I'm speaking to those couples.
Okay?
I'm speaking to them, not as couples, but as individuals.
Okay?
When you are in a situation where you know things are headed down a bad path, if you're a fan of my show, you know, things aren't going to be the right way.
Things, you know, one of you has, you know, something that didn't work out.
Every relationship, somebody has something.
You know what I mean?
Every relationship people are in, somebody has, there's some problem that's going on.
Somebody's maybe on a diet somebody doesn't like.
Somebody writes an article about somebody in the LA Times.
Who knows?
Every relationship has stresses and pressures.
Okay?
All of them do.
And it is our job to recognize these things, to not fight the inertia.
What is happening?
What is coming?
Don't fight it.
And if you are, if you're one of those couples right now that, you know, you feel like things are going downhill because of coronavirus, don't drag this out.