The Tim Dillon Show - 211: 211 - Snubbed Aired: 2020-08-02 Duration: 01:09:01 === Ellen's Sexual Deviance (14:44) === [00:00:00] My tripletex, I think. [00:00:19] Trippeltex helps all kinds of companies to manage their year-to-date. [00:00:22] Remember the time to deliver the loan signing on the 31st of May. [00:00:25] The whole Norges regnskapsprogram, Trippeltex. [00:00:50] To basically get my fans and the fans of this program to vote for Ari Shafir as the president of Legion of Skanks. [00:01:00] And I thought about it and I was considering doing it. [00:01:08] But after some real soul searching about what is best, not only for Legion of Skanks, but what is best for the country, I have decided, along with the Bryant family, to endorse Louis J. Gomez for president of Legion of Skanks. [00:01:28] Go to skankthevote.com at gmail and register before August 7th to cast a vote for Luis Gomez. [00:01:38] Again, this is from Tim Dylan and the Bryant family. [00:01:43] That is their super PAC who paid for this ad. [00:01:48] So, thank you so much. [00:01:50] Now we will start the program. [00:01:52] Also, we will have a hotline number later for you if you have been sexually assaulted at the Ellen DeGeneres program, which everyone that has ever worked there has apparently been goosed in the dressing room at the Ellen G. Joe. [00:02:08] What is going on at Ellen? [00:02:11] She's out there dancing, and in the back, it's a free-for-all. [00:02:17] Apparently, it's the Marquis DeSaud is running around in the dressing room at Ellen, terrifying the employees. [00:02:26] I thought she was just a bitch. [00:02:29] That's what I thought. [00:02:30] I know people that know her, but apparently it's not that. [00:02:34] There's sexual deviance running around and they're making people feel uncomfortable. [00:02:41] They're sick. [00:02:42] Get up how many people have been sexually assaulted at Ellen? [00:02:45] I won't stand for it. [00:02:47] I won't stand for this anymore. [00:02:53] Do I like the show more now? [00:02:56] That's the question. [00:02:58] Do I like it more now that I know that Ellen DeGeneres has been running a rape room in the back of her fun positive shao? [00:03:10] I mean, more trouble at the Ellen DeGeneres show. [00:03:13] Former employees make sexual misconduct allegations. [00:03:17] Dozens, dozens of former Ellen DeGeneres show employees accuse multiple executive producers of sexual misconduct, harassment, and assault. [00:03:28] Wow. [00:03:29] DeGeneres apologized as an ongoing internal investigation into toxic worst workplace allegations revealed deficiencies related to the show's day-to-day management. [00:03:43] Nearly a dozen former employees accused head writer and executive producer Kevin Lehman of sexual misconduct, including groping, making sexually explicit comments, and behaving inappropriately at a company party. [00:03:58] Well, it's a party. [00:04:00] While layman said he denied any kind of sexual impropriety. [00:04:04] Multiple former employees accuse executive producer Ed Glavin of being handsy with women and leading the team by creating a culture of fear and intimidation, though Glavin did not comment. [00:04:17] 36 former employees, independently corroborated incidents of sexual misconduct. [00:04:24] 36 employees at Ellen. [00:04:27] The friendly show where the woman dances. [00:04:31] In China, they don't even call it, they call it Dancing Lady in China. [00:04:38] So 36 former employees at Dancing Lady have been sexually assaulted. [00:04:44] And I'm not trying to make light of that, although it is my job to, and also I am. [00:04:49] But the point is, I'm not making light of the sexual assault. [00:04:54] I'm making light of the fact that while it's going on, Ellen is bringing out sloths to make Kristen Bell giggle. [00:05:04] You expect that type of stuff at certain environments. [00:05:06] Fox News, I don't even think there were 36 people at Fox News. [00:05:11] And Roger Ailes was just running around grabbing blondes and throwing them out of windows for months. [00:05:18] That guy ran that place with an iron fist. [00:05:22] I mean, Bill O'Reilly was just taking women's heads and holding them in fish tanks. [00:05:27] And you still didn't get the 36 women. [00:05:32] Bill O'Reilly paid like $38 million to somebody. [00:05:36] God only knows what that guy did. [00:05:40] What did you do to someone and pay him $38 million? [00:05:42] Kill them? [00:05:44] I mean, that's the type of settlement you get when you murder somebody. [00:05:48] And still, I don't believe, and I could be wrong, but I don't believe they had 36. [00:05:55] I mean, it's wild. [00:05:57] And you know, they complained to Ellen about it. [00:05:59] They were like, you know, Kevin got a little handsy or Ed got a little handsy with me. [00:06:05] And, you know, she just looked at them with that stone face because she's in the CIA and she's an asset. [00:06:11] Who is the Jorge Campos? [00:06:13] Jorge Ramos? [00:06:14] Yeah, yeah. [00:06:14] Jorge Campos. [00:06:16] I do this all the time. [00:06:16] Jorge Ramos, a guy at Univision. [00:06:18] Campos, the only guy to meet Steven Paddock, goes and is interviewed on Ellen. [00:06:27] It's a little weird. [00:06:29] Couple that when she's sitting next to George W. Bush and they're yucking up, yucking it up about all their fun days at Abu Ghraib. [00:06:36] And she's, you know, there's all kinds of emails that came out where, you know, Hillary Clinton's on the show promoting, you know, whatever war that she wants to have on a Wednesday afternoon. [00:06:46] And Ellen goes, come on in. [00:06:47] I'll work in between the dance and the Kristen Bell sloth. [00:06:51] And you can tell us why we got to bomb Syria Hill. [00:06:54] Come on in. [00:06:55] Come on down. [00:06:56] And in the back, we're going to have women running for their lives. [00:07:01] That's why Hillary looks so comfortable on the show because behind the scenes, you could hear the screams of women being muffled. [00:07:08] Help! [00:07:10] That's why you got to dance and they turn the music off so you don't hear, help! [00:07:15] That's the official sign of the Ellen DeGeneres show. [00:07:22] You know, Ellen looked at them with that stone cold wolf-like face she has. [00:07:26] And she was like, fucking dance. [00:07:29] And the girls are like, what? [00:07:31] And Ellen goes, dance. [00:07:33] And they had to go. [00:07:41] Ellen was a trailblazer. [00:07:42] She came out on her ABC sitcom, which also sucked, but she came out and that was good. [00:07:49] I applaud that. [00:07:51] And then she joined the CIA. [00:07:53] That I don't love. [00:07:56] And then she did a show where she danced, engaged in inane, meaningless, horseshit conversation. [00:08:04] And behind the scenes, people were being chased around with hammers. [00:08:08] So it's been, she's gone quite full circle. [00:08:13] She did suffer a lot of discrimination when she came out of the closet. [00:08:17] And apparently that sat with her. [00:08:20] And she said, what if we just, you know, we just set up a daytime talk show. [00:08:25] And in the background, we'll have Abu Ghraib. [00:08:31] It's a regular Abu Grabe in the Ellen DeGeneres dressing room. [00:08:34] You got dogs, people naked, stacked together. [00:08:39] Get up Abu Grabe photos right now. [00:08:41] This is what's going on at Ellen. [00:08:43] This is what's going on in the back of Ellen. [00:08:47] Abu Ghraib torture. [00:08:48] Hit image. [00:08:54] Bring that up. [00:08:55] This is. [00:08:57] These are the segment producers at Ellen. [00:09:01] If you're a segment producer at Ellen, this is how it works out for you. [00:09:06] And then your parents call you and they're real proud of your big LA job. [00:09:09] And you go, yeah, mom. [00:09:12] There they are. [00:09:13] Go back. [00:09:13] Go get the guy with the, they're electrocuting the guy. [00:09:17] Look at this. [00:09:18] Yeah, this, by the way. [00:09:20] Yeah, that's an intern at Ellen that came in late. [00:09:26] That's an intern at Ellen that got stuck in traffic on a 405. [00:09:32] And you know, Ellen walks by that and says nothing. [00:09:35] She walks by it and says nothing because she's got to go sit in a chair and do a jig with Dick Cheney. [00:09:45] Henry Kissinger's coming on. [00:09:46] They're going to do the Charleston. [00:09:48] What's going on over there? [00:09:50] I want answers, god darn it. [00:09:55] She's never had me on. [00:09:58] What a fun interview. [00:10:00] Let's practice the interview. [00:10:03] You be Ellen. [00:10:04] We come out, we dance, we sit right down. [00:10:06] Okay. [00:10:07] Hey, thanks for doing the show. [00:10:08] Hey, how are you? [00:10:09] There's like three people being raped in the back. [00:10:11] You know about that? [00:10:12] No, I have no idea. [00:10:14] Oof. [00:10:15] All right, anyway. [00:10:15] So I have a podcast called The Tim Dillon Show. [00:10:23] So I want to get into this too. [00:10:24] I want to get into this because this is a show with a lot of serious matters and I don't want to kid around anymore. [00:10:30] You can get this off. [00:10:31] By the way, can you imagine? [00:10:32] By the way, hey, QAnon, where were you? [00:10:35] Did you care? [00:10:36] Did anyone care about this? [00:10:37] Did anyone care about this when we brutally tortured people? [00:10:40] Many of them were innocent. [00:10:41] Did that bother anyone? [00:10:43] By the way, that's not a conspiracy theory. [00:10:44] That's the United States government, by the way. [00:10:47] That's the United States government designed by top down by Cheney Rumsfeld, the whole crew in league with psychologists, Mitchell and Jessen. [00:10:57] We took people, many of them off, we grabbed them off a battlefield. [00:11:02] Maybe they were terrorists. [00:11:03] Maybe they weren't. [00:11:03] Maybe they were confused kids. [00:11:05] And then we sent them to Black Side, shipped them all over the world and tortured them. [00:11:09] So, again, that's not Chrissy Teigen doing that. [00:11:13] That's your government. [00:11:18] Okay. [00:11:19] I want to talk about the TBS Tournament of Laughs because we are no longer on the show and we were robbed. [00:11:25] And I love Jim Norton. [00:11:27] And I respect him. [00:11:28] And I hope he wins. [00:11:29] He's going up against Piff the Magic Dragon. [00:11:32] What an honor. [00:11:33] And here's the reality. [00:11:36] We got to the final four and we were let go. [00:11:42] It hurts me. [00:11:43] What's your dream out there? [00:11:45] Do you have one? [00:11:46] Because my dream was to win the tournament of laughs on TBS. [00:11:51] When I got into comedy, when I first started doing it in a coffee house, there was also a tattoo parlor in Long Island, New York, okay, where people would go in with like tattoos of fucking some ex-girlfriend and they had to get them made into something patriotic. [00:12:07] You know? [00:12:08] Can you, yeah, her name's Carrie. [00:12:11] Can you cover that up and put Blue Lives Matter? [00:12:16] Please? [00:12:18] And I started there. [00:12:19] And when I started there, I dreamed that one day there'd be a pandemic. [00:12:22] I prayed. [00:12:23] I said, hopefully a decade into comedy, right as I'm starting to sell tickets, there'll be a pandemic. [00:12:28] It'll shut down the whole operation. [00:12:31] None of us will be able to leave our homes. [00:12:33] We'll only be able to upgrade lo-i sketches. [00:12:38] And we'll have to come, and not just to enjoy them, to compete with each other. [00:12:42] That's what matters. [00:12:43] Comics competing with each other during a pandemic, not to raise money for anything, just to do it. [00:12:51] So I dreamed of this, and it was my life's work. [00:12:55] I fought and I worked and I said to myself, if we do the right things and if China leaks a bioweapon that the U.S. and China probably invented together, the only time they're going to, how great is it going to be when we find out the only time that we ever got along with China is when we created coronavirus? [00:13:10] Because that book's coming out in five years. [00:13:12] Coronavirus was created at like some like U.S. joint China thing. [00:13:17] I guarantee you we're involved with China and we all, there's, there's definitely a photo of fucking us and China eating ramen with a bat. [00:13:29] And we said, look at this motherfucker. [00:13:31] We're just having fun. [00:13:32] It was some like weird convention for fucking, you know, bio research DARPA fucks. [00:13:38] And they created and cooked up this thing. [00:13:40] I guarantee it. [00:13:41] It's coming out in a few years. [00:13:43] That book, by the way. [00:13:45] And I said, I said, hopefully that happens because I want to be in a position where I can compete. [00:13:50] Tournament laughs. [00:13:52] So we made it to the finals. [00:13:54] We didn't think we were going to make it there. [00:13:56] The competition was fierce. [00:13:58] I mean fierce. [00:14:00] These other comics were, you know, on drugs, in homeless shelters, uploading videos on their iPhones. [00:14:08] We didn't think we could beat them. [00:14:10] How could we know that we were going to be able to beat them? [00:14:14] You know, I don't know. [00:14:16] We went up against Fortune Theme Store one. [00:14:18] I don't know what happened. [00:14:19] I don't know what her video was. [00:14:20] She was stuck in a revolving door. [00:14:22] I don't know. [00:14:22] It's not my fault. [00:14:23] It's not my problem. [00:14:24] I respect her. [00:14:25] The point is this. [00:14:26] We won. [00:14:27] We persevered. [00:14:29] Okay. [00:14:32] And then we got to the finals to do battle with Norton and whatever tiff the magic dragon is. [00:14:38] And he's won America's Got Talent or something. [00:14:39] I don't know. [00:14:40] Good for him. [00:14:41] I should dress up like a Magic Dragon. === Winning Against Fortune Theme Store (08:15) === [00:14:44] Now, you know what I was thinking, by the way, the other, you know, David Dobrik goes around and gives people and the FaZe clan and FaZe Rug, whoever these people are, FaZe COVID, whoever they are, they give people the Lamborghinis. [00:14:57] I said to myself, what if I went around and instead of giving people a Lamborghini, I give them like a stern talking to. [00:15:07] Like instead, when somebody's working in Starbucks, instead of showing up with a Lamborghini, I show up and I drag them outside and they're getting really excited. [00:15:14] They're like, what am I going to get? [00:15:15] And I go, what are you doing? [00:15:17] What are you doing with your life? [00:15:19] Let's talk. [00:15:20] Why do they cry when they get the car, by the way? [00:15:23] I know I've brought this up. [00:15:24] Why do you cry? [00:15:25] Now you got to go to Lamborghini. [00:15:26] You got a Starbucks with a Lamborghini. [00:15:28] Now everybody hates you. [00:15:29] Your life is still shitty. [00:15:31] You can just get to the horrible job faster. [00:15:33] Thank you for getting me this car that's going to get stolen and smashed. [00:15:39] And so I can race to my job that I hate faster. [00:15:44] Thank you so much. [00:15:45] I'm crying. [00:15:46] Thank you for this Lamborghini that a company gave you to give me. [00:15:50] Thank you. [00:15:51] Tim Dylan doesn't do that. [00:15:53] I show up with a Chris Hedge's book, America the Farewell Tour, and I say, there you go. [00:15:57] No price on knowledge. [00:16:00] How about that? [00:16:02] I think that's a good show. [00:16:05] What if I follow David Dobrik around and I give him beaters like old cars that people have died in with his like blood and guts? [00:16:14] What if I give David Dobrik cars, police cars that were burned in the riots? [00:16:22] Just to he looks like a chipmunk. [00:16:27] You want to eat his face. [00:16:29] That's why he's so goddamn successful. [00:16:32] Everyone I insult on the show, I want to be, by the way, Ellen, David Dobrik, the Masad. [00:16:39] So we get so we get to the finals of tournament laughs, which is literally the only thing we've we've ever really tried for. [00:16:50] I mean, hard. [00:16:51] Hard we tried. [00:16:52] Yeah. [00:16:53] We made it past levels and layers. [00:16:56] And yes, you're telling me, Tim, you never told anyone to vote. [00:16:59] You barely posted a link. [00:17:00] You didn't know when the show was on. [00:17:02] The website kept crashing. [00:17:05] You know, your aunt, who supports everything you do, referred to the show as a total embarrassment. [00:17:11] It was, my aunt said it was so bad, it was literally confusing. [00:17:15] She didn't know it was a show, you know. [00:17:18] That's good. [00:17:20] But I loved it. [00:17:22] I love being a part of it. [00:17:24] I love having the honor of being, because I've loved TBS. [00:17:27] Get up the shows TBS has done. [00:17:30] Get up what TBS has done now. [00:17:32] You're lucky your ass got edited on that channel. [00:17:36] Get up what TBS has done. [00:17:37] The Samantha B show, thank you very much. [00:17:40] The best political satire that's ever been made. [00:17:42] Why? [00:17:42] Because she's yelling and it's about Trump. [00:17:45] That's what she does. [00:17:47] It's Trump. [00:17:51] Yeah. [00:17:53] Yes, I was happy to be on a network that had Angie Tribeca. [00:17:58] Yes. [00:18:00] Pull up Angie Tribeca, please. [00:18:04] It's an American comedy television series. [00:18:15] Tribeca leads a squad of LAPD detectives who investigate the most serious cases from the murder of a ventriloquist to the rash of Baker suicides. [00:18:26] Angie works best alone. [00:18:28] The only problem, she has a new partner, Jay. [00:18:31] The squad also includes apoplectic captain Chet Atkins, quirky, bespeckled medical examiner, Dr. Monica Scholz, and Detective DJ Tanner. [00:18:42] This was my favorite show. [00:18:46] Okay? [00:18:49] What else have they done up there? [00:18:54] They just buy shows from other places. [00:18:56] What about miracle workers? [00:18:58] Fuck yeah. [00:18:59] Bring up miracle workers on TBS. [00:19:01] This is what Daniel Radcliffe was in. [00:19:03] Miracle workers on TBS. [00:19:07] Man. [00:19:09] Frustrated with the current state of earth, God has pretty much given up to focus on petty hobbies. [00:19:14] Thinking the end might be near, two determined angels try to change his mind. [00:19:18] Craig and Eliza, low-level angels responsible for handling all of humanity's prayers, must convince their boss to save humanity and answer their most impossible prayer yet. [00:19:28] Help two humans, Laura and Sam, fall in love. [00:19:31] The seven-episode limited series based on Simon Rich's book turns a perception of heaven upside down. [00:19:39] Do you people understand what an honor it was to be on this network that had shows like Samantha B yells about Trump, Angie Tribeca, and whatever the hell this was with Daniel Radcliffe and Steve Buscemi were on it. [00:19:57] And Lauren Michaels produced it. [00:19:59] Well, boo-boo-hoo. [00:20:00] Good. [00:20:01] It's great. [00:20:04] Anyway, I have no beef with Lauren Michaels, by the way. [00:20:07] I'm available. [00:20:08] Email me. [00:20:09] I'll delete this whole show. [00:20:10] I'll delete. [00:20:11] I will delete this whole show, sir, if you get behind my career. [00:20:14] I'll act like it never happened. [00:20:15] I'll act like it never happened. [00:20:17] I'll walk into the green room of Ellen and just throw hot acid in those fucking bitches' faces. [00:20:24] I will, if Ellen comes back, I will be the person who sprays mace at the segment producers if they get mouthy. [00:20:36] So we've already established TBS is a phenomenal channel. [00:20:41] We were lucky to be on it, okay? [00:20:45] Lucky. [00:20:47] And we got to the finals and then we said, let's kick it up. [00:20:52] Let's kick it up a little bit. [00:20:54] Let's not do the normal, what we're doing, you know, how we usually work together and just, it's me and him. [00:20:59] We hired a crew. [00:21:01] We hired lights. [00:21:02] We had producers. [00:21:04] We had about a crew of eight people to do these sketches, literally that I spent, I spent $30,000 producing each one of these sketches, which I will show for you right now. [00:21:16] Not yet, not yet. [00:21:17] I don't mean right now. [00:21:18] I mean broadcast right now in 38 minutes. [00:21:21] I'm kidding. [00:21:21] It's coming soon. [00:21:22] But I want to set the stage. [00:21:24] I spent $30,000 of Whitney Cummings money buying producers, editors, writers. [00:21:37] We had the best team. [00:21:38] I mean, these people, they had been behind the best shows. [00:21:42] Angie Tribeca, the big guys. [00:21:45] Samantha B yells about Trump. [00:21:49] All the good shows. [00:21:50] We hired the best people. [00:21:52] Okay? [00:21:54] DPs and line producers. [00:21:56] You people don't know. [00:21:56] You're not in a biz. [00:21:59] But we got everybody. [00:22:01] We got everybody. [00:22:02] We got the guys who made the videos of Abu Ghraib, of them raping people, which Seymour Hirsch said they have. [00:22:08] And then the CIA destroyed. [00:22:10] We got those guys to do the videography. [00:22:13] They were the same people on Epstein's Island. [00:22:16] We got those people, the people that installed the blackmail equipment in Little St. James, came and they helped us make these videos because they understand how to, when something is high stakes, they get it. [00:22:30] They get it. [00:22:30] So that's what we got. [00:22:32] We spent a lot of money. [00:22:33] Yes, was it morally questionable? [00:22:34] Sure. [00:22:35] But we wanted to win because this was my dream. [00:22:39] We poured our heart and soul into it. [00:22:41] We took a week to write. [00:22:44] A week. [00:22:46] Ben came over. [00:22:47] We stayed one week. [00:22:48] We didn't sleep. [00:22:50] We used drugs, Adderall, cocaine, whatever. [00:22:55] We were huffing household cleaner. === Drug-Fueled Sketch Writing in Italy (10:27) === [00:22:59] Anything to write these sketches. [00:23:01] We were tripping mushrooms, LSD, ayahuasca. [00:23:04] We were wandering around the desert. [00:23:06] Our third eye was open. [00:23:09] We were talking to God and the aliens, everything that we could do to enrich ourselves so that our bodies and minds would be used as vessels and that those vessels would be able to deliver a message from another world, maybe, to the people of earth. [00:23:26] That, the highest level of art. [00:23:29] Art in the sense of the priest and the shaman. [00:23:32] That's what we were doing. [00:23:33] We wanted to have a religious experience. [00:23:36] Sketches. [00:23:37] We put more work into these sketches than anything and they refused to air them on television. [00:23:47] They refused to air them on television and I literally do not understand why. [00:23:56] These are the most intelligent sketches. [00:24:00] They are smart, they are sharp and they show that we not only took this show seriously, but we have respect for the craft of comedy and for the great network of TBS, who brought you great shows like Samantha B Yells about the president of the United States for 28 minutes, and then Angie Tribeca, which I've never seen. [00:24:24] Don't, don't start messaging me, Angie. [00:24:28] Angie Tribeca's not even that pet. [00:24:33] If somebody out there right now is like oh, you're cheating on Angie Tribeca, you better understand. [00:24:39] Angie Tribeca is kind of, I've never watched it. [00:24:44] We're gonna play the first sketch now. [00:24:47] This sketch, um took four days to shoot. [00:24:56] How many to edit three, three or four. [00:24:59] Yeah, in an editing room you had three editors working with you day and night, day and night, and they refused to put this on television, on the TBS network. [00:25:12] So now we're gonna show you this sketch which literally, i've never worked harder at anything than I have doing this, and I submitted it to the TBS network and they did not air it on television and I want to know why. [00:25:24] And I I and, and maybe some of you could let me know, because when you see this, you're going to see how hard we fucking worked. [00:25:34] Hey, look at this guy over here. [00:25:37] Yeah, my name is Friend Fauci. [00:25:39] I'm Donny Fauci's son. [00:25:42] In Italy, what we do is we go right in the bath, like this, we're going to bath in Italy. [00:25:53] Ever going to Italy, you gotta go to Italy. [00:25:57] In Italy, we go right to the bath. [00:26:00] Forget about it, don't be stupid. [00:26:03] Forget about it. [00:26:04] Oh yeah, forget about it. [00:26:07] Hey, my father gonna figure it out. [00:26:10] My name is Frank Fauci, the Fauci family name. [00:26:15] I have a lot of pride in that. [00:26:17] Don't be stupid, forget about it. [00:26:20] This coronavirus hey, look at this guy over here. [00:26:27] Yeah, my name is Friend Fauci. [00:26:29] I'm Tony Fauci's son. [00:26:31] He's the fucking doctor. [00:26:33] Tony Fauci's the doctor. [00:26:34] Forget about it. [00:26:35] Hey hey coronavirus hey, forget about it. [00:26:41] Right, what are you gonna do? [00:26:43] Hey, what are you gonna do? [00:26:45] My father, Donny Fauci, the country's, He's in good hands. [00:26:49] Daddy gonna handle it. [00:26:51] Come on down. [00:26:52] Daddy going to handle it. [00:26:54] He gonna get everybody vaccinated. [00:26:56] Come on. [00:26:56] Don't worry about nothing. [00:26:57] Forget about it. [00:26:58] Hey, hey, come on. [00:27:01] Donnie Fauci. [00:27:03] When I was growing up, my father used to say to me, he used to say, hey, little Frankie, you better get your vaccine. [00:27:15] I make it my favorite drink like this. [00:27:18] I put the water from the sinker like that. [00:27:22] Like that. [00:27:23] Okay? [00:27:24] And then I put it in here like this. [00:27:26] Forget about it. [00:27:28] I take it through the brush. [00:27:29] I stir it like that. [00:27:31] Forget about it. [00:27:32] Tony Fauci's son. [00:27:34] Frank Fauci. [00:27:40] Hey, look at this guy here. [00:27:42] Look over there, huh? [00:27:44] Look at this guy. [00:27:44] Yeah, he likes it. [00:27:54] Forget about it. [00:28:00] It is an insult to me and to you and to the time we spent on that that that was not aired on television. [00:28:06] Truly. [00:28:07] And if the CEO of that company and the producers of that show do not recognize that for what it is, and I don't want to be a part of it. [00:28:17] If you do not recognize that sketch, and if you don't see the hours that we put into that, if you can't tell the manpower, if you don't understand the team of people that we assembled to put something like that together because we respect this show and the network, [00:28:34] if you don't get it, am I wrong here when I say that when you watch that sketch, you think to yourself, how in God's name did they do it with only 30 grand? [00:28:51] How did they come up with this? [00:28:53] We're doing Game of Thrones level shit here on champagne taste on a beer budget. [00:29:02] I mean, now that sketch, I was Frank, Dr. Fauci's son, Frank Fauci. [00:29:10] And that was written and rewritten, and we had a team of writers kind of coming up with those lines. [00:29:16] And yes, there was a lot of repetition of the forget about it. [00:29:19] Yes, yes, there was. [00:29:20] But it was driving a point home, okay? [00:29:25] About the natural state of chaos that is the world and that you have to, quite literally, forget about it, which I thought was a pretty good message to deliver to TBS. [00:29:35] The cowards, the cowards of TBS did not want to put that on the air. [00:29:42] And to me, a little upset. [00:29:46] A little upset at the producer that we worked with who lived in a small shanty by the 405 who we used to FaceTime with. [00:29:54] She lived literally, her balcony was in lane two of the 405. [00:29:58] And every time I had to FaceTime with her, I'd go, are you okay? [00:30:06] I'm a little upset that she didn't fight harder to get that on the air. [00:30:09] I'm a little upset at my friend Maureen who decided to green light the show and then move to Canada, go move to an igloo for seven months and abandon us all. [00:30:20] Abandon the artists. [00:30:21] What about the artists? [00:30:24] Okay, we don't deserve this. [00:30:27] The people working on Ellen, yes, they deserve what they got. [00:30:30] That's different. [00:30:35] We're going to show the second sketch. [00:30:37] Now, the second sketch was even harder. [00:30:42] The degree of difficulty. [00:30:44] Have you ever watched the Olympics? [00:30:46] You ever watch the Summer Olympics? [00:30:47] Me and my father used to like the Winter Olympics because the speed skaters had fun names like Hey Chavo. [00:30:53] Now, and it wasn't racist. [00:30:55] We like to say them, Hey Chavo. [00:30:57] And we'd eat ice cream pints of Haagen-Das and watch the Winter Olympics. [00:31:01] And then people would fall and whatever. [00:31:03] And, you know, then the skier had a fun name, Peekaboo Street. [00:31:07] She was a white chick. [00:31:09] And then there were other good names, too. [00:31:10] I forget. [00:31:12] We always liked watching the Russian gymnasts because, you know, we knew that there were stakes. [00:31:18] And when they, you know, when they, when they didn't stick that landing in gymnastics, they went back to Russia and they were literally the shame of a nation, you know, and then their families would be assassinated. [00:31:27] And we felt like that. [00:31:29] We liked that, you know? [00:31:32] And when I would watch the Olympics, you would see those gymnasts and they'd have to stick the landing. [00:31:38] You'd have to stick it. [00:31:39] You couldn't step back. [00:31:40] You have to stick that land and you couldn't stumble and fall. [00:31:43] And I feel like with this next sketch, we stuck the fucking landing. [00:31:49] We did a brilliant sketch that was complex, that was layered, had multiple meanings. [00:31:54] We had a lot going on in this sketch. [00:31:57] And if you know us, that's not what we usually do. [00:31:59] We usually do like a minute or two fun topical thing. [00:32:02] This was a real narrative piece that we put together that the cowards at TBS refused to air, thereby robbing us of our rightful victory and our place in the, I imagine, the Television Hall of Fame. [00:32:23] I don't know, but I'm just guessing that that's where we would have ended up. [00:32:26] So without further ado, I'm going to play you maybe the greatest piece of art that me or Benjamin will ever produce in our lives. [00:32:35] And again, the cowards at TBS would not let you see this, but we will right here on the Tim Dylan show. [00:32:41] I just came home, right? [00:32:43] And look here, this lady's going through my mail. [00:32:47] Who are you? [00:32:48] Who are you? [00:32:49] I'm the owner of this house. [00:32:50] So what? [00:32:52] I'm a neighbor in the community, and I go around and I read people's mail to help them. [00:32:59] Who do you think you are? [00:33:01] What are you crazy? [00:33:03] You go back to your own country, you British bastard! [00:33:08] You goddamn blaming Brit! [00:33:11] You go back to your own country! [00:33:13] You've gone full mental. [00:33:14] I'm not mental! [00:33:15] You're mental! [00:33:17] We beat you in the Civil War! [00:33:20] We beat Britain in the Civil War! [00:33:24] Is that your dog? === Killing Your Dog After Civil War (02:36) === [00:33:26] Yeah. [00:33:26] I'm gonna kill your dog! [00:33:28] Oh my god. [00:33:30] I'm gonna kill your dog, you stupid fuck! [00:33:32] Oh, Christ. [00:33:34] Now you said Australian! [00:33:37] You stupid... [00:33:39] What's going on? [00:33:41] I'm a white woman! [00:33:44] I'm a white woman! [00:33:46] And I'm the, I'm in charge of the country! [00:33:49] I'm president of my own count! [00:33:53] I'm president of my own count! [00:33:59] I'm gonna party in your house! [00:34:02] I'm having a... [00:34:05] I'm having a party! [00:34:08] I'll kill you! [00:34:09] Get out of here! [00:34:09] You wanna have sex with me? [00:34:11] No! [00:34:11] I'll have sex with you! [00:34:14] I'm having a party! [00:34:18] Get out of here! [00:34:18] No, you're not! [00:34:19] You want my tick! [00:34:21] I'm having a party! [00:34:24] Having a party! [00:34:25] Turn him into laughs! [00:34:26] Kiss my ass! [00:34:29] Turn him into laughs! [00:34:31] Kiss my ass! [00:34:33] Turn him into laughs! [00:34:35] Kiss my ass! [00:34:37] Get it! [00:34:40] Attack! [00:34:46] Sick him! [00:34:47] You modrel! [00:34:50] Yeah! [00:34:54] You beast! [00:34:56] All right, now you get out of here. [00:35:14] I mean, the proof is in the pudding. [00:35:16] The proof is in the pudding. [00:35:17] To not put that on the air, to deny the effort that went into that to me is criminal. [00:35:26] Completely criminal. [00:35:28] And I am a little disappointed. [00:35:33] Little disappointed. [00:35:35] How many times have I said on this program to buy gold? [00:35:41] Countless. [00:35:42] I've never said that. [00:35:45] But it's only because I don't always want to give away the secrets. [00:35:51] The tricks of the trade. [00:35:54] Something about owning gold bullion. [00:35:57] You know? [00:35:58] It's not like this fake paper currency. [00:36:02] Something real. [00:36:02] We can hold on to it. === The Spirit of Herman Cain Lives (14:52) === [00:36:33] We can hold on to it. [00:36:58] They've declassified some documents. [00:37:01] I mean, Alan Derschwitz is such a fucking pedophile. [00:37:05] You kind of have to respect how hard in the paint he's going. [00:37:09] He's literally trolling at this point. [00:37:12] Like, he's clearly guilty of like everything. [00:37:15] I think he was running the ring, by the way. [00:37:18] I think Jeffrey and Ghislaine were like, you know, instrumental, but it seems like Alan Dershowitz was like literally doing everything. [00:37:24] He's like written articles where he's like, let's lower the age of consent. [00:37:28] It's like, that's not a great article to surface if you're literally being accused, credibly accused of like raping children on an island. [00:37:36] I love this. [00:37:37] Alan Dershowitz defends op-ed, suggesting that age of consent for sex should be lowered. [00:37:42] It's great. [00:37:44] Alan Dershowitz, the outspoken, controversial Harvard law emeritus professor is defending himself on Twitter after an op-ed resurfaced in which he suggested the age of consent for statutory rape cases should be lowered. [00:37:56] In a 97 op-ed in the LA Times, suggesting that 15 was a reasonable age of consent. [00:38:01] Oh boy. [00:38:02] No matter how old the partner was. [00:38:04] Whoa. [00:38:07] Wow. [00:38:09] Keep it in your pants, Dersh. [00:38:12] What a sick fuck. [00:38:17] I mean, God. [00:38:19] Statutory rape is an outdated concept. [00:38:21] Alan Derschwitz. [00:38:22] Now go to the documents that just came out. [00:38:26] Which people's name, you know, Bill Clinton is named in them. [00:38:29] I had a little fun joke on Twitter. [00:38:30] I said, you know, Trump is about to ban TikTok. [00:38:34] So if you want to see 16-year-old girls dancing, you got to take a plane with Bill Clinton, which is probably true. [00:38:40] I love Bill Clinton was like speaking at John Lewis's memorial and he's like talking about the civil rights movement and he's like literally, I mean, go hide. [00:38:48] Doesn't anyone hide? [00:38:51] I mean, so Clinton is now named in these documents by a witness who says he was at the island. [00:39:00] He was at Little St. James with two young women from New York. [00:39:05] That is what people are saying about Bill Clinton. [00:39:10] Other people named, of course, are Alan Dershowitz, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson. [00:39:15] There's other people named Ron Burkle, supermarket billionaire, friends with Clinton. [00:39:20] There's other people as well. [00:39:21] You know, their names are kind of escaping me. [00:39:24] I think Matt Lauer, maybe. [00:39:26] Oh, really? [00:39:27] I think Matt Lee said something about Matt Lauer being named as well. [00:39:33] There's just some odd stuff floating around with that. [00:39:39] And these are the first set of documents that are going to be released. [00:39:43] There are more documents that are coming out about this case. [00:39:52] And yeah, I mean, everybody was really, just Lane Maxwell, obviously, was not only recruiting these women, she was abusing them as well. [00:40:07] And that is why, you know, when we had Whitney Webb on the program, Whitney was like, why is she not being charged with that much more serious offense? [00:40:17] So Governor Bill Richardson denies involvement in Epstein sex trafficking. [00:40:21] Imagine all of these people, like they thought they were kind of going to get away with it, and they almost did. [00:40:26] Like they're almost all dead. [00:40:27] That's the other thing. [00:40:28] Like you're going to see the line of demons that get trotted out for this. [00:40:31] They're almost dead. [00:40:33] They're literally octogenarians. [00:40:36] They're 80 years old. [00:40:37] They're almost dead. [00:40:39] They were almost, I mean, they should want to get COVID, these people now. [00:40:44] They should want to get COVID. [00:40:46] R.I.P. Herman Kane. [00:40:47] Godfather's Pizza. [00:40:48] You know, Ray Cump showed me a fun thing. [00:40:50] Herman Kane, of course, died of coronavirus. [00:40:53] You know, didn't wear a mask, whatever. [00:40:54] He also had stage four cancer. [00:40:55] He was 74. [00:40:56] We get it. [00:40:56] But, you know, coronavirus probably speeded it up. [00:41:00] But Herman Kane, Godfather's Pizza, which is like just the most, I mean, I'm racist against Italians all the time because it's fun. [00:41:08] But like Godfather's Pizza is like, we'll make your pizza. [00:41:12] You can't refuse. [00:41:13] You know, because you're all criminals. [00:41:16] And then they have, they had some guy tweeted the Godfather's Pizza Mafia name generator. [00:41:21] Get this up. [00:41:21] Godfather's Pizza, your mob name. [00:41:25] By the way, if you're ordering Godfather's Pizza, I mean, COVID is the best thing to happen to you. [00:41:31] So create your Godfather's Pizza mob name. [00:41:34] So Ben, yours is Blue Eyes the Ant. [00:41:42] Using your first and last initials, create your Godfather's Pizza Mobster name. [00:41:48] Mine is Teflon Tony the Iceman. [00:41:54] What are you supposed to do with these names? [00:41:56] Do they call you that name when they open the door to your trailer to give you Godfather's Pizza? [00:42:01] Hey, are you Richie the Clown? [00:42:05] You just open the door to your trailer. [00:42:07] Hey, we got a meat lovers for Richie the Clown. [00:42:11] Is Mussels the Grocer there? [00:42:14] We got a supreme pizza for Mussels the Grocer. [00:42:19] How about White Eat a Wise Guy? [00:42:24] How about Fast Frankie the Animal? [00:42:27] Is Hot Stuff the Snake there? [00:42:30] We have some wings made At Godfather's Pizza. [00:42:41] But these people almost got away with it. [00:42:43] And they're all, Bill Clinton looks pretty dead. [00:42:47] You know, when you see him at the John Lewis Memorial, he's gone vegan. [00:42:50] He can't fuck anymore. [00:42:51] He has a heart problem. [00:42:53] I mean, that guy, it's all coming apart. [00:42:55] Imagine living long enough to see yourself become the hero in the 90s, the progressive hero. [00:43:01] Like Bill Clinton, when I was growing up, him and Hillary were like progressive heroes. [00:43:05] And they had, you know, James Carvel, you know, the raging Cajun would be like, he'd be like, you know, revving up the fucking war room and everybody to, you know, like we got the real candidate. [00:43:16] We got Bill and Hillary. [00:43:17] We're going all the way. [00:43:18] And like, you'd see them. [00:43:19] He'd be giving stump speeches and he was amazing at this, you know, he was amazing at this. [00:43:23] He'd be in fucking wherever he'd fucking be, you know, in Oklahoma or Iowa, Pennsylvania, Arkansas, Colorado, wherever he was. [00:43:31] You know, he'd be at a diner shaking somebody's hand or kissing a baby, eating a piece of pie. [00:43:37] And he'd get up and he'd be like, I love you and I love you. [00:43:39] And, you know, this country and everybody would be so into it. [00:43:42] So imagine living through that. [00:43:45] Like being at the height of power. [00:43:48] You're being worshipped. [00:43:50] And then you live long enough to see yourself become. [00:43:55] I mean, it's the old quote, right? [00:43:58] You know, you die a president or you live long enough to see yourself become a pedophile. [00:44:04] It's the old famous quote. [00:44:06] But think about the journey that that guy's had. [00:44:09] Everybody loved him and everybody got mad. [00:44:12] He got his dick sucked. [00:44:13] And now he thought that was bad. [00:44:19] Now, 30 years later, he's opening the newspaper and they're like, we know you're fucking kids on the island. [00:44:25] He's like, oh, God. [00:44:29] He's like disgraced, beyond disgrace. [00:44:33] And him and Hillary won't go away. [00:44:35] Like they won't go away. [00:44:36] They're still there. [00:44:39] After Herman Cain's death, you know, Republicans all went on Facebook to make, you know, not, this is my favorite thing that people do on Facebook. [00:44:48] Now they go, this is not a political post. [00:44:50] I don't want anybody to fight me on this. [00:44:52] It's not a political post. [00:44:55] But isn't it fair to say that Dr. Fauci created AIDS? [00:45:01] That's my favorite thing people do on Facebook. [00:45:03] They go, this is not a political, I don't want to fight. [00:45:05] They go, I don't want to fight. [00:45:08] This is not a political post. [00:45:10] I'm asking questions. [00:45:14] Can I ask a question? [00:45:16] The question is, and again, it's not political. [00:45:19] It's not political. [00:45:23] Are the people who died from COVID pedophiles? [00:45:28] Not political. [00:45:30] I'm just asking. [00:45:31] Are we using COVID to get rid of pedophiles? [00:45:34] Just a question, throwing it out there. [00:45:36] Please don't attack me. [00:45:37] This is Facebook. [00:45:38] It's a reasonable question to ask. [00:45:48] And now I can tell that the Republicans are, they're acting like they're going to lose. [00:45:53] They're going to lose. [00:45:54] And they should lose. [00:45:54] I mean, Trump should lose this election. [00:45:56] Forget politics. [00:45:57] I mean, this is not. [00:45:58] The left is so fucking crazy that he may not. [00:46:01] They're running a corpse. [00:46:02] I mean, they're mentally ill. [00:46:04] You know, they're talking about like the gender identity of the COVID bats, you know? [00:46:08] I mean, it's, it's a, it's a real, it's a circus over there. [00:46:12] And you know how I feel about it all. [00:46:14] But Trump's really not running on a great record here. [00:46:18] I mean, he's not running on a great, you know, my friend's like, he's kept us out of a lot of wars. [00:46:22] And it's like, yeah, but also not the civil war that's coming. [00:46:28] It's like, he's kept us out of a lot of wars. [00:46:30] And you just go to like, oh, you know, you just go to YouTube and you just hear, these major American cities are on fire. [00:46:39] Not exactly. [00:46:39] It's not exactly the most, this isn't the most peaceful time. [00:46:44] Here's why I know Republican, because they're getting sensitive. [00:46:47] They always lose when they become bitches. [00:46:49] And if you're a conservative out there and you're in any position of power, and I know some of you listen to this program, listen to me now. [00:46:58] You're acting when Herman Cain died and a lot of people on the left were like, listen, he didn't wear a mask and now he's dead. [00:47:05] And they were, you know, whatever, dancing on the guy's grave. [00:47:09] And you guys were like, you guys were like, I can't believe that people would speak of the dead in the way that they are. [00:47:19] Whenever you become like righteous indignation and let people dance on the graves of their political opponents, it is all that you've given them. [00:47:32] They have nothing left. [00:47:33] You've refused to give them health insurance. [00:47:36] The serfs should be allowed to mock the Lord who died. [00:47:40] Can you imagine you pull the turnips out all day and then you go back to your hovel with your family and then they go, you know, Lord, the Lord was stricken. [00:47:49] They found him in a bed with a whore. [00:47:52] What are you supposed to say? [00:47:53] Like, don't speak of the Lord that way. [00:47:57] Eat your rabbit gruel and be grateful. [00:48:01] No, let them. [00:48:04] You don't give them retirement health care. [00:48:07] Everybody is going to dance at the graves of their political enemies. [00:48:10] It's kind of nice. [00:48:12] It's kind of nice that this country allows people. [00:48:15] It's kind of nice. [00:48:16] If Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies, Republicans would be like she was a witch. [00:48:21] Jesus Christ killed her. [00:48:23] And Jesus Christ wants her to be dead so that we can have a conservative on the court who funds ICE. [00:48:29] Because Christ loves ICE. [00:48:31] Christ for ICE. [00:48:34] Christ likes those immigrants getting ripped out of there. [00:48:38] That's what Jesus, if Jesus was alive today, he'd be in ICE. [00:48:43] You'll all dance on the grave. [00:48:44] So stop the preening moralism. [00:48:48] That's when you're coming from the posture of losing. [00:48:52] Righteous indignation is what losers do when they're about to lose. [00:48:59] I cannot believe it. [00:49:01] I don't understand. [00:49:03] What kind of gentleman would speak of the dead in the mouth? [00:49:07] You're going to lose now. [00:49:10] Here's how you beat them. [00:49:12] When they say Herman Cain is dead, you say, no, he's not. [00:49:17] And you get his corpse and you sit him on Fox News. [00:49:22] And you fucking have Tucker Carlson put his hand by and you puppet act Herman get you weekend at Bernie's Herman Cain's corpse. [00:49:31] If you want to win, do you want to win or yet? [00:49:33] Yes or yes? [00:49:35] Yes or yes, do you want to win? [00:49:37] Liberals say Herman died because he didn't wear a mask. [00:49:40] Say, fuck you. [00:49:41] Herman ain't dead. [00:49:43] Prop him right up next to Sean Hannity and spray him down with formaldehyde or Hannity can handle the smell. [00:49:51] And you sit Herman Cain there on Fox News and you move his mouth and he goes, I'm not dead. [00:49:57] Fuck you. [00:49:59] I'm still not wearing. [00:50:01] I don't know why I'm doing Ray Cum's voice. [00:50:02] Listen to me. [00:50:03] And have Ray come to his voice. [00:50:05] Listen to me. [00:50:08] That's how you beat them. [00:50:10] You fight fire with fire. [00:50:11] Stop the righteous indignation. [00:50:13] Weekend at Bernie's Kane. [00:50:15] Have Trump bring him around to stump speeches. [00:50:18] Have Trump bring Herman Cain's corpse around to events. [00:50:23] He should be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention. [00:50:26] The ghost of Herman Cain. [00:50:28] Get ghoulish. [00:50:30] Get ghoulish with it. [00:50:32] You said the liberals are ghoulish, and yes, they are. [00:50:35] They get a little nuts with it. [00:50:36] They're like, Herman Cain's dead and good, and I fucking can't, you know. [00:50:41] They go nuts, but you go more nuts and say, Herman's not dead. [00:50:46] The spirit of Herman Cain is alive. [00:50:48] And you bring him out at the Republican National Convention to give the keynote speech. [00:50:52] You bring his body out. [00:50:54] And yes, it'll be uncomfortable. === Bringing Herman Cain to the Convention (15:31) === [00:50:56] And yes, people aren't going to like it. [00:50:58] But the ship's going down anyway, folks. [00:51:01] So why not fucking fight fire with a little bit of fire? [00:51:09] It's true. [00:51:10] That's my idea. [00:51:13] You refuse to let that man die. [00:51:16] His ideas must live. [00:51:17] You say Herman's ideas must live. [00:51:19] I don't know what they were. [00:51:20] He had some plan called the 999 plan about taxes, and it was kind of like his pizza thing. [00:51:25] Everyone kind of ridiculed it. [00:51:26] But he's having fun. [00:51:28] God bless him. [00:51:29] He's a black guy worth, what, $100 million? [00:51:33] He fucking kicked ass in life. [00:51:35] Herman Cain kicked ass in life. [00:51:37] And the people that are shitting on Herman Cain suck. [00:51:40] He kicked ass in life. [00:51:42] He's a black guy that suffered all kinds of discrimination, and he made money the way you should in America, killing fat people with a racist Italian restaurant. [00:51:52] I couldn't respect Herman Cain more. [00:51:54] And me suggesting that Trump trot his body around to get votes, it seems like it is disrespectful, but it's really not because I do like Herman Cain. [00:52:01] I would say do it to anyone. [00:52:02] Bader Ginsburg, any of them. [00:52:04] Don't let any of them die. [00:52:05] I don't care. [00:52:06] The 999 plan was a tax proposal that was the centerpiece of Herman Cain's 2012 campaign for the Republican Party's nomination for president of the United States. [00:52:14] It was introduced August 2011. [00:52:15] The plan called for replacement of all current taxes, such as the payroll tax, cap gains tax, and estate tax with a 9% personal income tax, 9% federal sales tax, and a 9% corporate tax. [00:52:25] By the way, sounds fine. [00:52:27] I'm for it. [00:52:28] R.I.P. Herman Cain. [00:52:31] Ray Connier Buds. [00:52:32] Apple socks. [00:52:35] They're involved with China. [00:52:36] They're going to kill your family. [00:52:38] But my point about these Epstein fox is they're somehow they're so fucking old, they can't really be punished anymore for anything they've done. [00:52:51] Get Bill Richardson's statement out. [00:52:53] They're going to blame it on this idiot. [00:52:55] They're going to blame it all on Bill Richardson. [00:52:59] Billie Eilish's new song, where she's hopeful about the future. [00:53:03] I listened to a little bit of that. [00:53:06] God love her. [00:53:07] I hope she comes under program. [00:53:10] No hate to Billie Eilish. [00:53:12] Listen, hey, it's not really for me. [00:53:15] I bet I'm not for her. [00:53:17] She's doing a lot better than I am in this business, and she always will. [00:53:21] Tina Turner had real gravel in the voice because she had blood in her throat. [00:53:26] That's what I want. [00:53:28] The authenticity, you know? [00:53:30] Everybody under 25 has anxiety. [00:53:32] Shut up. [00:53:34] You don't. [00:53:37] If you're under 25 and you have millions of dollars, you're no longer allowed to have anxiety. [00:53:42] You're no longer allowed. [00:53:44] Call it something else. [00:53:45] You can't have anxiety if you're 25 and you got millions of dollars. [00:53:50] Well, Tim, that's not fair. [00:53:51] Mental health is complex. [00:53:53] Shut up. [00:53:53] Herman Cain's corpse is coming. [00:53:58] Why did TBS not put those sketches on the? [00:54:00] Are they out of their fucking minds? [00:54:02] These allegations and inferences are completely false. [00:54:05] Governor Richardson has never even been contacted by any party regarding this lawsuit. [00:54:10] To be clear, Governor Richardson gets it in. [00:54:13] He gets his dick wet, but it's always with people that are of age. [00:54:16] And if some of them aren't of age, he doesn't know that. [00:54:19] Everybody looks kind of the same. [00:54:21] Governor Richardson has never been to Mr. Epstein's residence in the Virgin Islands, although he loves his ranch in New Mexico, where he's from. [00:54:28] Governor Richardson loves that ranch and they love to eat tamales and hunt children. [00:54:32] Kidding. [00:54:33] Governor Richardson has never met Mrs. Guthrie. [00:54:36] Virginia Guthrie. [00:54:42] In other news, and this is all I'll kind of be saying about this, you know, when the comedy store in Los Angeles opens back up, I will be doing all of the spots. [00:54:54] So from when do the shows run? [00:54:56] From 8 to 2 a.m. I will be doing all of the spots at the comedy store in L.A. when they reopen. [00:55:05] I'm a little, I mean, you know, I got to get the reps in. [00:55:09] I got to get the time in. [00:55:10] I got to get the stage time in. [00:55:13] Vote for Lewis Gomez, my good friend Lewis. [00:55:17] I love, Lewis is one of those people who I truly like more and more all the time. [00:55:22] And I start out liking him a lot because he sees the world for what it is. [00:55:27] I appreciate that. [00:55:29] Follow Ray Cump on Twitter. [00:55:31] He's got the best Twitter out there right now. [00:55:32] It's better than mine. [00:55:33] I just have more followers because I like make stuff, like videos and everything. [00:55:37] But in terms of actual raw tweets, I mean, Ray Comp's Twitter is absolutely insane. [00:55:42] I mean, when he hits, he hits very, very hard. [00:55:44] He's got 12.6,000 followers. [00:55:47] But go to my Instagram because I have some of his amazing tweets on my Instagram. [00:55:51] Ray will, of course, be back on the program soon on our Patreon. [00:55:56] And then we'll have him on the regular episode too. [00:55:59] My dad just blurted out in the middle of dinner what's a gender binary. [00:56:02] So I just grabbed him and pulled him across the table and started hitting him on the temple with a soul shaker screaming, you entitled white fuck, don't you embarrass me at this Olive Garden. [00:56:09] You keep going. [00:56:10] Our grandparents spent their 20s cowering in Europe, using World War II as an excuse to avoid the responsibilities of adulthood, while our generation is left to shudder the burden, shoulder the burden of running countless new satire blogs, which nobody asked for and nobody thinks are funny. [00:56:24] My roommate has been holed up in her room all day, leaving threatening voicemails for her ex-boyfriend's children. [00:56:30] Now she's blasting Gilmore girls at max volume and hysterically crying. [00:56:33] I just want her to go to sleep so I can eat her meatball sandwich. [00:56:38] Republicans, people need to take personal responsibility. [00:56:41] Also, Republicans, buy this gun for your baby, you fucking deadbeat. [00:56:45] More Republicans. [00:56:46] Oh my God, that baby has a gun. [00:56:48] Shoot it in the spine. [00:56:51] Democrats, we're going to give poor people a pencil. [00:56:56] And this one, this might be, this is my new favorite. [00:56:58] My mom locked herself in the bathroom crying because I kept showing her photoshops I made of Epstein and the Pope. [00:57:03] Now I'm threatening to kill myself if she doesn't come out. [00:57:06] This is what speaking truth to power looks like. [00:57:09] At Ray Kump on Twitter, R-A-Y-K-U-M-P. [00:57:13] I mean, just tweeting from, I mean, a hole somewhere. [00:57:19] He's living in the hole that we found Saddam Hussein is. [00:57:21] Go follow my Instagram at Tim J Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N. [00:57:25] Go retweet the video we did about the TikTok kids. [00:57:27] That was a lot of fun. [00:57:28] We made the video one of my, my friend's son casted all of the kids in the video. [00:57:35] I don't really know anybody in their teens and all the comedians that do. [00:57:39] I can't really talk to you anymore. [00:57:41] Now, we're kidding. [00:57:43] This is a comedy show, and we're doing funny things about things that aren't funny. [00:57:49] Now, now, so these kids were great. [00:57:55] Can we play that on the show? [00:57:56] Let's play this. [00:57:57] This is a fun one here. [00:57:59] Here's what we're satirizing, by the way, if you don't know this. [00:58:01] There's a guy that runs around LA. [00:58:02] LA's been taken over by these TikTok kids. [00:58:05] And I live up the block from this steakhouse called Boa. [00:58:07] And the food at Boa is atrocious. [00:58:09] I'm from New York. [00:58:11] Perhaps you've heard of it. [00:58:12] And we do steak very well. [00:58:14] So does Texas. [00:58:15] LA doesn't. [00:58:16] LA doesn't do much well except like pokey bowls and sushi and breakfast. [00:58:20] Beverly Hills Hotel, nice pancakes and scrambled eggs, locks, whatever, and Mexican food, right? [00:58:25] and Vietnamese, like, you know, gitladas, Thai, they do great Thai, but they don't do Greek well. [00:58:32] Not Italian other than Nancy Silverton's Austria Moza, best restaurant in LA, in my opinion. [00:58:37] They don't really do Italian that well. [00:58:39] Greek, Italian, seafood, steak, remain East Coast. [00:58:44] It's just what it is. [00:58:45] I don't know about Indian food. [00:58:47] It's not for me. [00:58:48] I know that it's great and I've had it and I've enjoyed it a few times, but I just don't eat it regularly. [00:58:53] I don't need a new food to like. [00:58:55] You know, there's some foods where I'm like, let me not, let me not get really into another food. [00:59:01] But these kids, and they're tiny, they're tiny. [00:59:03] They're like children. [00:59:04] And they run around the steakhouse with like bedazzled jackets on and they're dressed like high beasts and everything. [00:59:10] And grown-ups, paparazzi, have to stand outside and ask them about their lives. [00:59:17] Like, hey, man, or hey, Griffin, you broke up with Dixie or whatever. [00:59:21] And these kids are like, you know, these kids are your kids. [00:59:24] You have no idea what's going on. [00:59:25] They were going like this two years ago. [00:59:28] Now they're millionaires. [00:59:30] They're living in LA. [00:59:31] They're being followed. [00:59:32] And by the way, kids, it ends. [00:59:34] So get that money while you can because it ends, okay? [00:59:38] But as of right now, they're living the dream. [00:59:40] They're fucking each other. [00:59:42] They're in this big house in the hills. [00:59:45] Their parents are probably out of work. [00:59:47] Their parents are probably shot. [00:59:48] The kids are like supporting their families. [00:59:50] And again, just from this. [00:59:54] And I mean, can you imagine when they grow up? [00:59:56] They're like, what were you doing during the pan? [00:59:58] Grandpa, what were you doing during the pandemic? [01:00:01] Well, I was dancing in the Hollywood Hills for millions of dollars. [01:00:05] An energy drink company gave me $5 million. [01:00:10] But wasn't everyone dying? [01:00:12] Yes, but I was dancing. [01:00:15] I was dancing and making money. [01:00:17] So these TikTok kids are just running Los Angeles right now. [01:00:22] And there are guys. [01:00:23] You probably came to LA to be like filmmakers. [01:00:25] You know, life's a horror. [01:00:27] And instead, or even be like paparazzi, like Sandra Bull, like people that have done things. [01:00:35] Let me follow around Sofia Vergara, somebody who's done something. [01:00:41] Now they got to follow these like 16-year-old kids into Starbucks while these kids come out and they're like, hi. [01:00:48] And he's like, hey, what's going on with you? [01:00:50] And they're like, I'm just like, I'm just like, hair. [01:00:59] So we made this video satirizing this guy. [01:01:01] And I hope this gets to him because I respect him. [01:01:04] I respect anyone's hustle. [01:01:05] And I don't want anyone to get hurt, but let me just say what would be funny. [01:01:10] I always worry when I say this. [01:01:12] I always worry when I say things like this. [01:01:17] Would it be funny? [01:01:20] I don't want any of the kids getting hurt, but would it be funny if this guy blew his head off in front of all of them? [01:01:25] Like one day he just had enough and they really didn't want to answer his questions. [01:01:29] And he's like, hey, Charlie D'Amelio, what do you think about? [01:01:33] And she's like, I don't really have time. [01:01:34] And he goes, you don't? [01:01:36] Look at me for the rest of your life. [01:01:38] Why do you remember this? [01:01:40] I have a degree in film from Edward. [01:01:43] And then just these kids wouldn't care. [01:01:44] You know what they do? [01:01:45] They go. [01:01:47] But it'd be funny to just his brain matter splatters on like their hype beast sweatshirts. [01:01:53] And by the way, that's not shade on him. [01:01:56] They say shade. [01:01:56] Shade is a new word. [01:01:58] And it's an old word, shade, really, but I've just gotten into it. [01:02:00] Now, no, Trump, it's an old, but it's really... [01:02:02] See, everyone thinks Trump imitations are that hard. [01:02:04] They're actually not that hard. [01:02:05] Like if anyone practiced, they're kind of. [01:02:07] JL Colvan has the best Trump imitation ever. [01:02:10] It's fucking hilarious. [01:02:14] So we made this video. [01:02:16] You can watch it. [01:02:18] Hey, Olivia, what's up? [01:02:20] Good morning. [01:02:22] Ah, come on. [01:02:23] You know we love you. [01:02:24] Listen, Olivia, what's going on? [01:02:26] Let me ask you, there's so much happening. [01:02:27] Do you think Ryan should be canceled for dressing up like a Japanese person? [01:02:36] I'm not really into cancel culture. [01:02:38] Ah, all right. [01:02:39] All right. [01:02:40] What do you got to say to the fans? [01:02:41] What's going on? [01:02:41] What are you working on right now? [01:02:43] Lots of stuff I can't talk about. [01:02:46] Yeah, of course. [01:02:46] Can you see that? [01:02:47] Yeah, that's right. [01:02:48] I don't know. [01:02:48] Ryan dressed up, though, like a geisha in seventh grade. [01:02:51] That was very incensive. [01:02:53] Hey, Madison, what's up, ladies? [01:02:55] Guess who? [01:02:56] Guess who, Madison? [01:02:57] You're never going to guess what I have in my possession right now. [01:03:00] What do you have? [01:03:01] I have your report card from last year. [01:03:03] You failed chemistry. [01:03:05] That class was hard. [01:03:06] Your mother paid for a tutor. [01:03:08] Talk to me, man. [01:03:08] What's going on? [01:03:09] That's all mad. [01:03:10] What are you doing, man? [01:03:12] Dude, what's next for you? [01:03:13] That's what everybody wants to know. [01:03:14] It's like, what's next for you? [01:03:17] I really want to become an actor. [01:03:19] An actor? [01:03:20] Yeah, man. [01:03:21] So, what type of acting are you trying to do? [01:03:23] Uh, like, you know, like acting like where you're like talking in front of the fire. [01:03:27] Yeah, yeah, I feel that, man. [01:03:29] I feel that. [01:03:30] Yo, Gio, what's up, fam? [01:03:33] What up? [01:03:34] What's up? [01:03:34] What's going on with you and Ashley, bro? [01:03:37] I mean, you know, I can't really speak on that right now. [01:03:40] I'm just focused on the music. [01:03:42] Yeah, what kind of music are you going to put out? [01:03:46] It's like, it's that new shit. [01:03:47] Yeah, like what? [01:03:48] Like, Lil Dickie meets Enya. [01:03:52] Fuck yeah, man. [01:03:53] Yeah. [01:03:54] Are you okay to drive? [01:03:55] Yeah, I'm good. [01:03:56] All right, fam. [01:04:01] You sure you're good, bro? [01:04:03] I'm good. [01:04:04] Look at her. [01:04:04] Recorder mid-TikTok. [01:04:06] So what's going on? [01:04:07] You think we're going to war with China? [01:04:11] Stop following our me and my friends. [01:04:12] You're literally like 50 years old. [01:04:14] Please get out. [01:04:15] Leave. [01:04:15] Go back. [01:04:16] Go. [01:04:17] Go. [01:04:18] Yeah, mess. [01:04:18] You took a trip back home. [01:04:20] What was that like? [01:04:20] Yeah, it wasn't good, man. [01:04:22] My mom just passed away to COVID. [01:04:24] Oh, man, that doesn't slap. [01:04:26] No, it doesn't. [01:04:27] No. [01:04:27] R.I.P. Mom, you know what I'm saying? [01:04:29] Yeah, that's right. [01:04:30] R.I.P. Mom. [01:04:32] Yeah. [01:04:33] That kid was great. [01:04:35] That kid did in one take. [01:04:37] Like, Jay-Z just got in the boost. [01:04:40] One take. [01:04:42] That was fun, though. [01:04:43] We did that video about the TikTok. [01:04:47] I thought some of the TikTok kids would share it, but of course, we're so below them that they're living on a cloud. [01:04:52] They don't even want to know people like me exist. [01:04:54] And by the way, I don't blame them. [01:04:57] And it's also comedy is not for good-looking people where things are going well. [01:05:01] Not my comedy, you know? [01:05:04] Not any comedy I've ever respected. [01:05:06] It's like comedy needs to be for people who like, my comedy needs to be for people who are like, who are like currently on fire. [01:05:15] Like, that's who my comedy's for. [01:05:18] It's not for like a kid who just got $8,000 to wear a sweatshirt for a minute in a video. [01:05:24] It's for people who are literally, their leg is being amputated as we speak. [01:05:30] And not even in a hospital by like another member of Antifa who's like, fuck, the cops got, you know, I don't know. [01:05:40] Jasmine's leg. [01:05:41] I don't know what the Antifa names are. [01:05:44] It's not Jasmine, but whatever. [01:05:47] Fern. [01:05:50] What if Antifa, a general was named Fern? [01:05:52] Yeah. [01:05:54] Antifa needs a head. [01:05:56] They're too random. [01:05:59] You need someone to negotiate. [01:06:01] You need to be a fat, non-binary purple hair. [01:06:04] Like, you need a Dick Tracy villain to be the head of Antifa so you can negotiate with like Trump. [01:06:15] She like threatened Trump. [01:06:17] We're heading into like a comic graphic novel world, so we need that. === Antifa Needs a Negotiator (02:33) === [01:06:27] I'm saddened for Ellen. [01:06:30] I'm saddened for the people that work at that program. [01:06:33] I'm saddened for the decay. [01:06:40] I'm saddened by the cowardice of the executives at TBS that would not allow what I consider two of the greatest pieces of art ever produced on the air. [01:06:55] Okay? [01:06:56] Because apparently they didn't make sense and were literally insane. [01:07:04] And it was clear I didn't really care. [01:07:07] And I just submitted nonsense of me playing with the Bulldog. [01:07:11] I mean, that was their view. [01:07:13] Do you even see how they get that? [01:07:15] I don't. [01:07:16] I don't. [01:07:17] TimDylanComedy.com. [01:07:19] No dates now or ever. [01:07:21] Kidding. [01:07:22] Hopefully we'll be out there eventually. [01:07:24] Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-O-N on Instagram. [01:07:26] Go follow me on Instagram. [01:07:29] Go follow me on Twitter. [01:07:30] Tim J Dillon. [01:07:31] Go follow Ray Comp. [01:07:33] Go follow Ben Avery. [01:07:34] What's your handle? [01:07:36] Shut up. [01:07:36] Go follow. [01:07:44] A lot of Oscar. [01:07:45] Go down the feed. [01:07:46] Keep scrolling down the Instagram feed. [01:07:48] Let's find an old, find a really old Instagram photo. [01:07:54] Well, that was when Oscar joined National Guard there. [01:07:57] Well, Oscar, Oscar is a very, I mean, he joined the National Guard right as the protests were happening. [01:08:03] He was very suspect. [01:08:06] Right now, he's, Oscar is promoting that, that, uh, that Jamaican doctor who says that diseases come from fucking demons in your sleep. [01:08:19] Go old. [01:08:20] I want older. [01:08:21] Go older. [01:08:24] I want to see the old world. [01:08:26] I mean, I know that we're back into the old world right now, but I'm like, wow. [01:08:33] Go up, to the left. [01:08:40] No, no, no, down. [01:08:41] Down. [01:08:41] Down. [01:08:42] Go to the right. [01:08:43] Bring that up. [01:08:56] New host, the fighter in the kit. [01:09:00] Good night, everybody.