From an undisclosed location Tim reveals that he is now the number one podcaster in LA, congratulates the Sandmann on his victory, describes what kind of candidate he would vote for, and breaks down an award winning BBQ Sauce. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: WALLETS - http://www.ridge.com/tim to get 10% off a ridge wallet. UNDERWEAR - https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ and order wit
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Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Temporary Desert Studio Setup00:11:04
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan Show here live from a stunning estate out here in the desert.
This is a temporary setup for the show for the moment.
We are looking at studio spaces right now.
Haven't made any commitment to anything yet.
Obviously, we are, like many of you, quite uncertain about what's going to be open, what's going to be usable.
State of California considering another shutdown.
You're going to get a video podcast from somewhere and you're going to like it because it's free.
That's what's going to happen.
It's not on fucking Zoom like everybody else is doing.
I don't have an uninteresting guest coming on over Zoom, okay, to tell you about what it's like in the hell they find themselves in.
It's a pretty good deal for nothing.
You don't spend a dollar.
I'm excluding, of course, the Patreon members who support the show and don't get video because Patreon is audio.
Audio only because it is a throwback to the 90s golden era of talk radio where you didn't need to look at somebody.
You were driving on the Cross Island Parkway and you were just waiting to get home and choke your wife out.
And so you listen to Bob Grant and Rush Limbaugh, or if you were late night, you might listen to Art Bell.
People talk about aliens, which we'll talk about later.
But I grew up on those shows.
I grew up on right-wing, reactionary talk radio.
It was a beautiful, great thing for this country.
And morning shows, comedy, comedic morning shows.
But Bob Grant was the best.
Whether you liked his politics or not, he would always tell people that would call into his show.
He'd go, You're a fake, phony fraud.
Get off my phone.
And he'd hang up and they'd call back every week.
It was fun.
So that's why you don't need the video on Patreon.
It's an homage to a better time where you didn't have to see everything visually.
Joe Rogan announced that he's moving to Texas.
And I want to get this out because I think there's a lot of people that don't know the full story.
Joe wants to go there for a little more freedom, he said.
And because LA, you know, you have the homelessness and the traffic.
Here's the actual reality.
I moved to LA about a year ago and I immediately started making more money than Joe on as a podcaster.
I'm doing better than him.
Our YouTube views are higher than his.
My subscribers are more than his.
My ad deals are more than his.
In the beginning, that was okay, but it became awkward for us, for our friendship.
It was weird to see him at the comedy store because I was making more money as a podcast.
I was a bigger podcaster in a year of being in Los Angeles.
Our podcasts regularly get 30 to 50 million views per podcast.
And he gets, I believe, maybe 2 million or 5 million or something.
It's pathetic.
So he's now running to Texas.
He's running away from me because I've taken over Los Angeles and I am the biggest podcaster in the world.
And I, you know, for him to go out and pretend that this is about traffic is a little absurd.
I came, I saw, I conquered, and he is choosing to run away.
That's the reality.
He doesn't have any money.
He asked me to borrow $300 last week and I said no.
That's it.
I will not enable people in their poor decisions.
This Spotify deal is not real.
Spotify does not exist.
I have Googled Spotify.
I don't know what it is.
I don't think, by the way, neither does Spotify, if they exist.
They don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what this last podcast on the left is that got some deal.
I don't know what these things are.
I'm pretty sure they're inventions.
I don't fall for it.
Okay.
So when I come to LA and I take it over, just admit that you got beat.
Don't start talking about homeless people and traffic.
Okay?
I'm number one now.
Number one, you hear that?
Hashtag only comedy store regular, not in jail.
It's a joke.
Relax.
I never knew what I never thought I'd know what it felt like to own a city.
Now I do.
Out.
I'll be deciding who stays and who goes.
Boy, this thing, we made a couple of videos for TBS today that, I mean, we don't really respect the Tournament of Laughs show, but I mean, the level of just complete indifference to the videos even making the least bit of sense.
I mean, they don't make any sense.
And we've delivered them to TBS with pretty much a 24-hour turnaround time where they have to edit these videos into some coherent narrative.
These sketches don't make any sense at all.
We're going to play them next week as soon as we get the go-ahead to play these full sketches for you.
I really want to tell you what we've done because we have done something.
I mean, we should be blacklisted from the business like Harvey Weinstein for the level of sketch we delivered to TBS for their show Tournament of Laughs, of course, where comedians, I don't know how many they started with, but can we say what we're in now?
I think so.
We're in the final round.
We've already won LA.
Now we're going to try to win Tournament of Laughs.
But the sketches that we've submitted, they're funny because they make absolutely no sense.
And I cannot wait to show you the raw footage that we sent to TBS.
I'm very curious as to what they will do with it.
I mean, in one of the sketches, I'm in a colorful shirt.
I'm wearing a wig.
I'm standing in the shower.
And I'm just, I say I'm Anthony Fauci's son.
And I just start yelling, forget about it.
Hey, coronavirus, forget about it.
And that's the entire sketch.
That's it.
Okay.
In the shower, Fauci's son.
I'm getting rained on.
I mean, the shower's making me wet.
And I'm going, hey, forget about it.
Coronavirus, forget about it.
We sent that to TBS today.
They didn't understand what it was.
But they kind of have to put it on television, which is what makes us laugh.
Television is now a practical joke.
We wanted to get on television at one point.
Now we run from it like a coughing fucking corona patient.
I'm telling you, television has now become, you know, my aunt had a great quote about Tournament of Laugh.
She goes, your video. doesn't seem as funny because it's on that show.
And then she goes, I watched it on social media and it's great, but on that show, it doesn't seem as funny.
And that's the problem with television right now.
Too many cooks in the goddamn kitchen.
But we gave those cooks this week a bowl of shit and they're going to have to make a pie with that.
Good luck.
Forget about.
When I tell you that that's the whole sketch, it's three minutes.
When I tell you, I splash around in a bathtub going, forget about Anthony Fauci, Daddy Fauci.
I mean, they should just, they should not air it and fire me.
They should fire us.
They should email us and go, you're fired.
We know what you're doing, you disrespectful piece of shit.
What, you think you don't need us because you got 100,000 views on a podcast, you fat pig?
Go into new media, you fucking loser.
You pirate shit steering scum.
Go steer your pirate ship and go live in a car.
That's what they should do, but instead they're going to put it on television.
They're going to put it on television.
And Joe Rogan can watch it in Texas from his trailer park.
Because we've won.
Spotify.
Google the Spotify.
It doesn't exist.
Are they nuts, these people?
They don't stop lying.
They make up $100 million, $300 million.
It's all fake.
It's not real.
If Spotify was real, they would have bought my show.
Congrats to Nicholas Sandman, the Covington Catholic student who settled a lawsuit today with the Washington Post.
I believe it was a $250 million lawsuit.
I don't know what.
Does that mean he gets to 50?
What does it mean, Benjamin?
Break it down, Ben Avery, legal scholar.
What does it mean?
So they did settle, but they haven't disclosed the terms of the deal.
We don't know the terms of the deal, but it's good money, is it not?
It must be.
Is it big money?
It's probably really big.
I bet it's big money for Nicholas Sandman, Covington Catholic High School tea to the heart of the, this is when the Native American, if you don't remember this, folks, remember you were somewhere when the world was a world.
You were in your office.
You're maybe eating a cold capraising sandwich.
This is where you were.
I know where you were.
Undisclosed Settlement Terms Revealed00:15:05
You were eating a cold caprese sandwich, which has the tomato and the tomato had a little bit of the white in the middle because it was winter and you don't love that, but it's the way it is because you just grabbed this from the deli in the building.
You know, the fucking food place in the building.
You're eating a caprazy sandwich.
You're dunking it.
It's got a light smear of pesto, but you needed more.
So you're dunking it in the balsamic vinegar and you're eating it and you're really like, God, this isn't good.
It's just not good.
It tastes like refrigerator and you're eating it.
And then you looked online and you saw this story about a group of red hat MAGA hat wearing kids from Covington Catholic, a school in Kentucky that went to the March for Life in DC and surrounded a Native American man and beat him to death.
Because that's what I thought happened when I first saw how angry everybody was.
I said they surrounded this Native American man who was like trying to sing peaceful songs.
And the Native American man was like, peace to all the people in the world.
I don't know why he's British, but the accents never come out the way they should.
But it's good because it's a white accent and you can't get angry at that.
So this is Nathan Phillips with his drum and his British agony goes.
And he walks up to the kids.
He goes, I'm a British Indian and I love you.
And then the kids beat the shit out of him.
Stomp on his head, piss in his mouth.
Fuck him, not because they're gay.
It's a showing of power.
Fuck him, smirk him in his face.
I'll bloody him up real good.
Take a shit on him.
And then, I don't know.
And then like light his corpse on fire and all light fucking joints.
And then smoked him and go, hey, fuck you.
I'm white.
What are you going to do?
And they all had shirts that said like, you know, fuck you.
You know, my land is my land shirts.
And my land is my land shirts.
They sang my country tiss of thee while they stomped him out.
Sweet land of liberty of the land that my fathers.
And they were just stomping him out.
This is what we believed happened.
It's what we thought happened.
Apparently, we were lied to again.
That is not what happened.
This guy was standing there, a bunch of black Israelites who I like and they are fans of the program.
Shout out to the black Israelites.
Yes, they were anti-gay and anti-Jew, but they're not anti-Tim because I used to do tours in Harlem and I would see the black Israelites and I would stop my tour bus and make the people listen to the black Israelites scream about white people being genocidal monsters.
I thought it was a nice break between the Apollo Theater and then Fifth Avenue and the Apple Store.
I thought it was a nice break.
We're going to stop here and listen to these three gentlemen dressed like ninja turtles.
They dress like Splinter.
And so they were yelling at the Covington kids.
They were like, what are you faggot white fed?
What are you all doing?
Sucking each other's dicks.
I bet it was good.
I bet it was good roasting.
Good roasting.
Of course, liberals are like, you know, no, they weren't saying that.
What?
So they were roasting the Covington kids.
And then Nathan Phillips came in with his like, you know, the thing they have.
What's the thing they have with the drum?
And they go like this.
And then it hits both sides of the drum.
But do you know what I'm saying?
I know what you're talking about.
It's a really, you know, fun.
And he comes up and he's like, you know, he's doing his thing.
And he's, and he's like, I am a Native American.
What is coming out now?
What is the, I don't even know what this one is.
This is Jamaican.
This is a Jamaican one that just happened.
I am a native.
I am a Native American.
And I don't even know how, I don't even know how Native Americans talk.
It's very slow and deliberate, right?
It's like, I'm, is this it?
I'm, I'm a wise NASS Richard Nixon and Nixon.
It's a CIA, cocksuckers.
President can't say dude.
God damn it.
You don't fuck with the CIA, Bob.
They've always hated me.
These cocksuckers, Jay Edgar Hoover, the Kennedy family, I didn't go to the right schools.
Okay.
So the Native American who is not a Jamaican, a British person, or Richard Nixon, I just don't know how to do it.
But you know how they talk.
It's like slow a ways because they know things.
They're wise.
They've seen it.
And I forget how he would do it.
He'd be like, how?
How?
You are a bad white man or something.
That's kind of it.
You're a bad why.
But then it gets, it gets a little Irish, doesn't it?
Doesn't it get a little Irish?
They've been fucked over more than anybody, really.
The Native Americans, sure.
You got casinos, the Irish people of nothing.
We just get diddled by priests and eat boiled meat and look at our wives.
And our wives look like husbands, if you know what I mean.
They're disgusting women.
So he comes over to the Covington kids, and I believe he's beating a drum in Nicholas Sandman's face.
Covington kid.
And then Nicholas Sandman, to his credit, doesn't while out, doesn't punch the guy, doesn't do anything really egregious other than stand there and smile.
As you would if a guy started banging a drum in your face.
I would have fucking freaked out.
I would have twerked out.
If Nathan Phillips started twerking, not Nathan Phillips, Nicholas Sandman, but if both of them started twerking, like straight up twerking.
It's time for America to get even crazier.
Do you know what I mean?
We're on this edge of total insanity.
Let's let the car fall off it.
But Nicholas Sandman just stood there as this elder, tribal elder, was confronting him.
I don't know what he's confronting him about, but I remember I tweeted because I didn't know what was going on when it first happened.
I tweeted, I went, some of these kids need to get shot because I thought they, you know, I thought like this kid was just fucking with this old Indian guy.
I'm like, why are you fucking with this Native American dude?
He didn't do anything to you.
He didn't do it.
I didn't care that the kid had a MAGA hat or he was at the March for Life.
I mean, whatever.
I don't, good, good for you.
If you don't believe in abortion, good for you, you know?
Whatever, you know?
But I do.
I believe in abortion, extortion, all the orchids.
We're being silly today, folks.
It can't be serious all the time.
Okay.
We can't do three hours about Judge Salas and the Massad every day.
I mean, it just can't.
I just can't handle it.
I can't handle it.
I don't know what to tell you.
Yes, everybody's going to kill you.
Sorry.
Moving on.
COVID's going to kill you.
Everything's going to kill you.
Goodbye next.
You know?
So this kid, I thought he fucked up.
So I said, maybe some of these kids do need to get to a shot.
I'd like to throw a little pro-school shooting one in there if I can.
And so I tweeted that.
And then the next day I had to delete that because I started watching the footage.
And I'm like, oh, this kid didn't do anything fucking wrong.
And we're being sold a bill of goods, a la Justice Mollette, whatever by the media.
They have an ideological point to make.
They don't care about the facts.
Most normal people agreed with that, right?
But then the Looney Tunes and the people in my business and, you know, the people that just exist in a complete state of being divorced from reality for their entire lives, which is kind of amazing when you think about it.
A lot of people in my business have never met reality.
They got famous at like 19.
They've had money forever.
They don't even understand.
Like, they don't understand how grocery stores work.
They don't even stand out like food comes in and goes in a package.
They have no clue.
They just open the refrigerator.
Everything's new and it's colorful and they bite it.
They don't understand the world.
They just think when they leave their front door, there's just people getting stepped on all the time and they're not being stepped on by the entertainment industry.
It's like oil, the tycoons, and bankers.
And fuck them.
But they think those are the only people that are doing anything wrong.
And that, you know, everybody in media and entertainment is lovely.
So these people refuse to really reverse course.
They kind of double down.
They're like, well, this guy's the white guy, the MAGA hat.
He knows what it is.
That's the pro-life march.
He wants to control women's minds.
And then, you know, people were coming out.
Kathy Griffin, amongst others, were like, dox this kid, put his face.
Now, if you don't know what happens when you get doxxed, it's really fucked up.
Okay?
When you get doxed, your information's out there.
You get loads of threats, loads of threat.
Do you know how many threats I get?
Because since I've been doxed, I have people going, call your mother, call this family, stop talking about our family.
Why do you talk about our family?
Why do you try to destroy the relationships that we have?
These are trolls doxing me.
Pay us back money you owe.
Your license is suspended.
You bought a house for $800,000 and didn't pay it back.
I'm getting mail.
The government wants to know where you are.
So these trolls dox you.
I'm happy for the first time in my life.
Why are you trying to destroy my marriage?
Stop talking about me on your fucking internet show.
All of these trolls dox you constantly, constantly dox you.
They go after you.
They go in.
They even pretend to be your family.
One of them pretended, did one of the voice things.
You know the thing they did to Rogan, where it's like, literally they can recreate your voice.
I've had family members' voices recreated, call me on the phone crying, asking me to stop talking about them on the show.
So that's how sick these people are.
Okay?
I didn't want that to happen to this kid.
When you're 15 or 16, you do stupid things.
I did cocaine.
This kid went to a pro-life march.
Everybody fucks up.
You know?
This kid believes that if we just denied federal funding or whatever to abortion, the world would be better.
I believed if I put cocaine up my nose, I'd be happy.
I was more right than him.
But it doesn't matter.
Everybody believes things in their teen years that don't work out.
He believes in God.
I believed in a guy named Hector who used to give us cocaine and then fought, then left one day.
Didn't even tell anybody where he was going.
Not nice.
Not right.
But the point is, and he left here.
We gave him money for cocaine.
He didn't get it.
He left.
He's just gone.
He's gone now.
He's gone forever.
Thank you.
And I'll take my aid ball when you return, sir.
So Nicholas Sandelman, what's his name?
Sandman?
Sandman.
He follows me on Twitter.
I DM'd him.
I said, good job.
No, he doesn't follow me.
I follow him.
Follow me back.
Follow me back now.
I'll find a way to get all this money from you.
I'll find a way to take all the money.
You follow me back.
You respect me and you begin to retweet me.
Pig.
So, Nicholas Salmon, they're trying to dox a kid.
When you're 15, it's just terrifying.
Now the entire media is getting ready to ruin your life.
Okay?
Imagine if the doxing existed.
Tim Dylan is doing cocaine again in the projects with his friend.
They're now stealing money from his friend's sister.
And they're now stealing money from Tim's mother again.
They are purchasing more cocaine from a guy named Buckshot, who they are meeting at the railroad station.
They are going to lay down in their beds, coming down off cocaine, furiously masturbating.
What a disgusting thought.
They must be doxed.
They must be publicly shamed for this type of behavior.
It's very bad.
The next day they will eat barbecue chicken pizza with reckless abandon.
They'll fill their stomachs with it.
And real barbecue, not this fucking California kind.
Open pit barbecue sauce.
Does anybody know?
Let's talk for a minute about open pit, please.
Because we're going to get back to Nicholas has more money than God in a minute.
I would let that Nathan Phillips, I'd let a whole Indian tribe beat and rape me for $8,000.
And this motherfucker.
Do you think by the way they look at this like the white man beat them again?
You know Nathan Phillips and his tribe has no respect now.
They're like, oh, good.
You had to beat a drum in someone's face.
Now they got 300 million.
Good for, now we're just giving them the land, Nathan.
Now we're just giving it to them.
How about you keep your drum circle to yourself?
Open pit.
Google it.
Get it up now.
Open pit.
I mean, he just, if you don't instruct him what to do, it's like it's like you're dealing with a catatonic here.
Should I wake up?
I just want to play golf.
I'm going to, one day, I'm going to come right when he's golfing with Andrew Santino.
I'm going to run on the course with a golf club and beat them to death.
Okay?
I'll beat him to death while Andrew Santino does the commentary.
Hopefully Tony Inch comes there too.
Tony can do commentary.
Wow, you're getting beaten by a friend.
Let me tell you about Open Pit.
Okay.
Open Pit is a reddish brown barbecue sauce.
Open Pit's Blue Label Sauce.
This is not an ad, but I'm telling you what I like.
Open Pit's Blue Label Sauce has a unique flavor that people enjoy right out of the bottle.
Here's why I like it.
It tastes metallic.
It tastes, when you heat it up, when you heat open pit up, it becomes something that's like industrial tasting.
It is a sauce that you put it in your mouth.
It is the de facto steak tidbit sauce on Long Island.
The Long Island official sandwich is the bacon, egg, and cheese.
Yes or yes?
Yes.
What is the official lunch dinner sandwich of Long Island?
I just said it on the show.
The lunch sandwich?
Well, the breakfast sandwich is the bacon, egg, and cheese.
Yes.
What is the lunch?
Steak tidbits.
You put the steak on the garlic bread and you chop it up.
You put the melted mozzarella cheese on top and you brown it so that, and then you chop it up so it's a little tidbit in your mouth.
And what do you do with the tidbit before you eat it?
You put it in the fucking open pit barbecue sauce.
And sometimes they heat it up and it's reddish brown and it curls your mouth.
Violence Against Trans People00:17:11
It's like, what the fuck?
It is a metallic, nasty, brackish, just, but it's, it's my, and, and, and my pizzeria in my town, Jack's, which was busted for selling cocaine, used to call up and they would send you a white pie.
We've done this on the Patreon.
I'm not going to, I'm not repeating.
Don't repeat.
Every time have a different thing to say.
Don't ever repeat anything else.
Don't ever repeat.
So this, this, this pizzeria would make the barbecue chicken pizza with bread and chicken cutlets chopped up.
They toss them with open pit barbecue sauce.
They throw them on top of a regular pizza and then throw some mozzarella cheese on top of that.
And it was fucking phenomenal.
So get in touch with Open Pit.
If you really want to get a taste of the East Coast, you do steak tidbits with open pit barbecue sauce and some fat steak fries, which are not really that good, but that's kind of the fry that goes with that sandwich.
It's kind of a fat steak fry that is not that good.
But the steak fries thick and it makes you feel the pain of the Irish while you eat it.
You don't get this on the West Coast Open Pit.
It's primarily in New York.
So, Nicholas Sam has now got $250 million.
I hope this kid just fucking wilds out.
I mean, we don't know if he's got $250.
He might walk away with $100 mil with all these different lawsuits.
He's going to Twitter.
He's going to the New York Times, right?
He might get 100 mil.
Yeah.
Nice.
And how old is he?
I think he's 17.
17 with 100 sticks.
Respect.
What has he got?
Well, he's 18.
He's just turned 18.
It said it on Twitter.
Okay.
So, ladies, you better pop that pussy like this.
He's a Christian, so you better be careful.
Maybe make him a chicken pot pie and sing about Christ.
Whatever you can.
You want to get close to that dude.
He's going to have a lot of bread, a lot of cheddar.
What's the new one for money?
Was it guap?
For a while, people said guap.
I don't think they say guap anymore.
Greenbacks.
Greenbacks?
What are you nuts?
So I'm like 94.
Soklarlige lyder.
Men så fikk vi å sjekke tveggen da.
Og hva var det som møtte dere der inne?
Det første vi fant det var Norge bak fasaten.
Så Norge var bak fasaten deres.
Nei, eller Janne og Kaddafi da.
Og så var det tusenvis av filmer.
Serier, nordisk krim.
True crime, humor, dokumentar.
Alt for mange vet ikke at de har TV2 Play i veggen.
Eller i TV-pakka da.
Sjekk selv på TV2 Play.no veggen.
Du har en ny beskjed.
Hei Lars, Daniel fra Joka Buland der.
Du sa at du ventet et lass med barnebarn i poskjø.
Tror derfor du vil synes at det passer med et lass med Ukas Joka.
Som er et utvalgt kølse.
For å gilde, friord, pinspråten og lei videre.
Til minus 40%.
Vi snakker.
Joka, den gode naboen.
I'm joining the high pass.
I've been asked.
I've been asked to join the Hype House TikTok.
That is the future, folks.
TikTok, whether it is that app, but that lip-syncing will be the future.
You know, all the artists that you will like will just be good-looking people who mouth the words of someone else.
It couldn't get more dystopian, and yet somehow it will.
I watched Whitney Houston on Letterman, you know, one of her first appearances.
I think her first appearance on Letterman.
And you were amazed at one time there was literal talent in the world.
There existed a thing called talent.
And people that had it would walk on a stage and entertain people that didn't have it, didn't have it in that degree.
And those people would be happy that there was a talented person.
They wouldn't be angry and mad and full of rage and vengeful.
And they wouldn't go home and say, I could fucking do that, this stupid bitch.
They would appreciate something that they couldn't have.
Like, I was talking to Whitney the other day, and she's like, you know, I saw Robin Williams on stage and Robin Williams was so not in control of his own talent.
Like his talent was controlling him.
I'm like, right, that's called talent.
Okay.
It's called talent when someone has a God-given talent or has something that makes you go, wow, this is fucking unique and different.
It's like coming from some otherworldly place.
Like you can't see the receipts.
With a lot of these comics now, you see the receipts.
You can tell how hard they work.
You can feel their ambition.
I never want you to feel that with me.
We're broadcasting from a fucking room right now.
You know, I mean, this is all fake.
But some of these comics, you could tell how bad they want it.
You could taste the joke construction that you could tell how much they suck in real life.
You could tell how a lunch with them would be the most heinous experience of your life.
You can feel it.
You can feel how miserable they are the second they walk off a fucking stage.
And you never felt that way with Robin Williams.
People like that.
Yes, he stole jokes and that's not good.
And I don't know what he did or what he didn't do.
But let's be honest, the guy was a superhuman force of just raw talent.
We don't see that anymore.
It's very hard.
It's very hard to really grasp the difference now that this woman on TikTok who's mouthing the words of President Trump is being called a genius by people.
That's a big, we've made a big jump here.
And no particular shade to her or her hustle, but we've made a pretty large jump from Whitney Houston to Billie Eilish.
No disrespect to her.
I don't want to get, you know, I don't want to run afoul or whatever group she's in.
They could end me.
But my point is that open pit barbecue sauce is the official sauce of the Tim Dylan show.
And we're not being paid to say that.
Okay?
And this is why Joe has left LA because they can't handle that I'm setting the trends now.
They don't want to handle it.
Sorry.
No more Alpha Brain.
Pit.
Let's take a look at Portland.
They're losing their minds over there.
We got DHS agents getting people, picking people up, federal agents.
It's a war zone.
And what goes on?
Can someone explain what goes on in Portland to me?
I mean, it's predominantly white people.
It's a predominantly liberal city.
And yet every day is a riot.
I mean, these people are just, and the problem is, and we've talked about this, when you're an adult, you don't talk about what you want to happen.
You talk about what will happen.
People make millions and billions of dollars just figuring out how the market will behave.
What will happen?
What are the likelihood of this sequence of events happening versus that sequence of events happening?
So I could write a list, for example, of 10 things, 10 ways I want the government to function.
I say, I want this, I want that, I want that.
I could write a laundry list of demands and then say, and I want everyone to go out and write and burn everything down until all of those demands are met.
Now, the reason I don't do that is because I'm not criminally insane, because that's a criminally insane position to just say we're going to destroy and defile everything until these demands are met.
Until everybody that opposes us resigns and we abolish everybody that stands in our way.
This is not how you can do things.
Here's one reason why.
Because on the other side of it, you have a very large, well-funded national security apparatus of state and federal forces that are armed and well-funded that you're going to have to get rid of before you can enact whatever version of crazy you're planning on running the country with.
And that's probably not going to happen.
I mean, look how long Chaz was around.
It was a few weeks.
They ended up shooting it.
People getting shot.
They replicated the worst parts of our society like a police force.
These things don't work.
What works?
Not much works.
That's the other thing.
So that's frustrating because I'm not going to tell you that everything will be okay if you just participate in electoral politics.
I think things will get better.
I don't think you have much of a choice unless you're willing to just head into war every day all day.
But electoral politics on the local level seems to bear more fruit than many, many times on the national level because there are so many compromises by the time you get to the national level.
But I'm not going to tell you that electoral politics is going to make everything better.
A lot of people will.
A lot of people say, just vote him out if you don't like him.
May not work.
But that doesn't mean that smashing the windows of the Amazon store in Seattle is going to enact the type of social change you want.
I also think how much of this is apolitical.
Do these people really have political aims that are in the street in Seattle?
I mean, they're saying like, stop trans murder, but that's not happening.
I mean, when you look at who's killing trans people, it's people they're in relationships with.
Trans people have a higher incidence of being in sex work.
Yes, is some of that from discrimination?
Absolutely.
But the idea that there's a group of people hunting trans people in America is untrue.
It's just not borne out by the facts.
It's not statistics.
When you hold up that sign and say, end trans murder, you're saying end the thing.
I don't murder trans people.
I don't vote for candidates who suggest murdering trans people is good.
I wouldn't consider it, even if they agreed with everything else.
Even if they said, well, I use open pit sauce and I love that.
But then they said, but we got to murder trans people.
I go, no, I wouldn't pull the lever for that person.
So if I'm not doing it, I'm not supporting candidates who are doing it.
Well, are you supporting a culture that allows it to happen?
Well, we're going to have to talk about what you mean by that.
Do I think jokes enable people to, do I think anybody who's going to kill a trans person has ever been motivated by a joke?
No.
Do I think any of them have ever been given a license to commit a violent act by a joke?
No.
There's nobody on the fence about committing a hate crime that hears a joke and goes, now I can do it.
That's not to say that all jokes are appropriate all the time.
That's not to say that jokes and humor can't evolve.
Audiences tell you what is and isn't appropriate, and you have to work with where the audience is at any given time.
You can be above the audience.
You could try to drag them to a higher plane.
That's great.
That's fine.
I have like one or two jokes about trans people and you're not at all about trans people.
There was one joke about a trans Navy SEAL.
I said, that's got to be a fascinating person.
A kid that grew up and was like, if I'm certain of one thing, it's that I'm a killer.
You know, I don't know if bathroom I'm going to leave, but when I walk out, I'm going to murder somebody.
I've gotten booze in red state crowds on that joke because they don't think that Navy SEALs murder people.
They're like, wait a minute.
What are you saying?
And I'm like, well, they're killers.
That's the cool thing about them, right?
Not that they can swim.
So most, and then some blue crowds don't get it because they're like, wait, what?
But if you listen to the joke, usually most people get it.
Everybody should get it.
It has nothing to do with trans people.
But so when you're walking in a protest and you have these signs like end this thing that you don't control and isn't really happening on the level you think it is.
If you want to take some police funding and fund social services with it, and you say that the police don't need all these fucking tanks and machine guns and all that shit.
I mean, after these few months, that's not the easiest argument to make, but I agree with you.
I would say, let's demilitarize them.
Let's give some of that money to social services.
Most people would agree with you.
But the people marching around Portland, burning things down, don't have an agenda that makes any real sense.
It's not political.
It's I hate this country and I want it to change, which is fine.
I'm with you in a lot of respects.
Not really about hating it, but about going, it's immoral.
It's a criminal state.
It's a mafia state.
I've said all of that.
I believe it.
I think we protect and shelter some of the worst people in the world.
How that gets changed, I don't know.
I'm willing to, and thank God I don't have to know.
I'm a comedian, but I'm pretty sure it's not going to be grabbing an iPad in Seattle and running away.
It's maybe electoral politics on the state and local level.
It might be changing your habits, changing the things you buy, the companies you support.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm willing to listen to a lot of different people that are a lot smarter than me.
But most people don't want to live in a world that's 24-7 chaos.
They just don't.
I don't want to do it.
Most people don't want to do it.
So the idea that the people in Portland every day, they've been just setting things on fire and smashing windows every fucking day.
And don't tell me they haven't because I've watched these fucking things with my own two eyes.
And it's always like a qualifier, by the way.
It's always a qualifier when you show somebody a video.
They're like, that guy they're lighting on fire was in their face.
They go, they're protesting in an area of the city that's not even crowded.
It's like, well, of course it's crowded.
Why would they do it otherwise?
And then people go, yeah, wow.
They're protesting in areas that even, that's nothing's even going on in.
I'm like, well, then why would they do it?
Right.
So you're illogical.
That guy that they're stomping out in the middle of the street gave one of them a look.
He misgendered someone, so they had to beat the shit out of him.
They took that stop sign and they shoved it up his ass and they did that because he was trying to video them and give it to the feds.
I just don't understand what these people think is going to happen.
I don't understand.
I read their Twitters.
I read what they say.
Communism will win.
It's not going to win.
It's probably not going to win.
And if it wins, what do you think that means?
Do you think everyone gets health care if communism wins?
You think that's the main goal of everybody in the street right now, burning things down, beating each other up, is the health of others?
Is that what you really believe?
Do you really believe that they're concerned about people's health?
How many of them have done any meaningful volunteer work in their entire lives?
How many of these people that are on the street right now, just consumed with rage, have ever done anything to help anybody on a person-to-person individual level?
It's a fair question.
Is it a high percentage of them?
I don't think so.
I could be wrong.
You know, I just think that electoral politics is not perfect.
It may not work.
I don't see any other.
I don't see anything other than any other strategy that doesn't deliver us into a police state overnight eventually.
I think this delivers us into a police state 100%.
I think this, along with COVID, this is the perfect storm of factors that will eventually push people over the edge.
They will accept government interventions in larger and larger, you know, they will accept an intervention of the government in larger and larger numbers until, you know, you're living in an occupied city.
And I don't think that's what we want, right?
And I think on the flip side, we also don't want like the government being run by lunatics that are running around in Portland with green hair and burning themselves, you know, throwing Molotov cocktails at buildings and that don't seem to have any understanding of history or where that leads, where that goes, by the way.
Saying that European colonists are the only people that have ever done anything wrong in history and ignoring every other power dynamic that's ever existed that included slavery, that included war, that included barbarism, saying all of that only mattered in the post-colonial era.
Nominating Michelle Obama and Cuomo00:10:37
And when it was the British, when it was white people, and that all of the problems in the world are direct results of the actions of white guys.
And then saying, okay, but I'd like to lead now.
It's like most people go, wait a minute, where does this go?
Where does this go?
Just nominate Michelle Obama and Andrew Cuomo to meatball king.
I will vote for those two.
The Obamas are the best you're going to do, leftists.
You're not getting bits, not going to get better than them.
You got Trump now.
I don't know.
And then you're going to get Biden, who's dead.
So this idea like, yes, Obama did bad things.
Obama, yeah, war criminal, blah, Yeah, agree with all you.
You're not probably going to do much better.
Good luck.
You're not going to do much better.
I'm telling you, I'm 35.
Many of you are children.
When I'm 55, I'm going to be making these same points.
Hopefully not to you fucking losers.
Hopefully somewhere else getting real fucking money.
We do fine.
But I'm saying that you start to realize the country you're living in.
Okay?
You got to understand the country you're living in.
The best you can do is Michelle Obama.
She comes out in a dashiki and fucking singing fucking Motown shit.
And then Meatball comes out behind her.
And everybody's like, hey, it's Meatball.
Like nobody even calls him Cuomo.
It's Meatball.
And he comes out and his fucking brother's there.
And they're just doing, you know, double claps, double claps.
And Michelle Obama and Barack come out, just smooth Motown shit.
And this is not racist.
Smooth Motown shit.
Like we're like, we gonna change the country.
And everybody's rolling in.
And then Meatball, Meatball and his brother are dressed like two meatballs.
And they're in these socially distanced meatball costumes.
So they can't, and they just start bumping into each other.
And then the Obamas kind of leave the stage.
And then Meatball comes out with his brother.
Chris Cuomo did not have coronavirus liar.
And they both come out and they both basically do just like, when the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie.
It says, it's the Cuomos.
And then all the dumb union people in the crowd and Democratic people are all swaying.
And then, I mean, this is what needs to fucking happen, you know?
And then you let Antifa do a dance at the end.
You let Antifa come out and do like a flash riot.
Like, boom, the lights go off and there's some fucking explosions.
And then they do like a laugh riot.
And then like Sanders comes out at the end and they just start fucking breaking down crazy old school fucking like bebop.
Like it's all white kids, but they have boom boxes.
They're doing black 80s shit.
And you're like, this is weird, but it's Antifa, so you let it go.
And then they're just kind of fucking going and they're going really fucking hard.
And there's lights are exploding and it's black and they're like, dude, it's like thriller, but you know, it's like a weird fucking version of it with just, you know, fat, non-binary, purple-haired fucking, they're not zombies, but they're, you know, and then the wall of moms comes out and Chelsea Handler's out and she's in tits around and she's like, yeah, look at my pussy.
And Chris Cuomo goes, he goes to eat her pussy and then she shits on his face and the Obamas stand up and they start clapping.
And then Hillary comes out.
It's the big finale.
Hillary comes out with Gislane and Jeffrey and they start fucking tap dancing like fucking psychopaths like Savion Glover bringing the noise bringing the function tap dance got the Cuomos with the tomato sauce.
The Obamas are fucking the smoke machine comes in this purple smoke.
They're doing a fucking prince number now.
Barack and Michelle come down and then Antifa's flash mob and it's Sanders is out.
Hillary and Chis Lane and Jeffrey, and then all of them together sing, we are the world, we are the children.
I'll vote for that.
I'll vote for that.
Okay?
Because it shows initiative and vision.
Coronavirus, I don't even read the cases anymore.
They're like, there's 90 million cases of coronavirus reported in your house.
Like it gets closer to you every day.
They're like, in your, on your street, everyone is dead of COVID-19.
There are 70,000 cases in your family.
And your family has 65,000 cases right now of COVID-19.
Nobody knows who's dying, why they're dying, where they're going.
I can't even, I don't even know.
It's a show that you can't watch anymore.
It's gotten too complicated.
I don't know why Fauci's throwing fucking wild balls and not in a lab with a coat on.
I don't know why somebody decided he needs to be on every podcast in America, why he needs to do every press appearance.
I don't know what that makes no one feel comfortable that this fucking old WAP can't even throw a fucking ball and this is the guy that's going to save everybody's fucking life.
Can anyone fill me in on who decided that made sense?
Didn't anyone check that he could throw a fucking ball before they trotted him out on the field?
That's crazy.
But I can't even, it's a show I can barely watch anymore.
You know, where you tune into it and you go, I can't.
Wait, what?
What is the symptoms now?
My finger hurts.
So if my finger hurts and I have no other symptoms, I can die.
And there's 9 million cases where?
On a ship?
That no one's been on.
So no one's on the ship.
There's 9 million cases?
There's 9 million vials of COVID being shipped here?
The Chinese are doing what?
Ventilators?
Respirators?
Services?
UV light?
What?
You got to just stop.
You got to say to yourself, I just can't anymore.
I don't understand.
I don't know where it goes.
I just say to myself, when it lightens up, someone will let me know.
I'm sure the media will let us know.
And it might be November 9th, by the way.
November 9th.
It might be like, no, there are no cases of COVID.
That is a possibility.
They go, there's no new cases of COVID.
That's very interesting.
Okay.
And maybe not.
I get it's real.
It's bad.
It's deadly.
I'm not going near anybody, you know?
It's a fucking vicious bug.
Stay the fuck away from people.
Stay home.
Protect yourself.
You don't know what's going on out there.
You don't know why we got this.
We're going to know in five years.
It's going to be books written in years about how this whole thing was a Chinese thing or whatever.
Or it wasn't.
It was a U.S. joint, U.S.-China joint thing.
We're not above that either.
We're fucking both researching and thinking it, bro.
It got out of their system.
We don't.
Listen, we're not going to know for years, but when you know, you're going to go, fuck, right.
And this is going to make sense.
See, this doesn't make sense right now because it's like Kennedy assassination with Oswald, Ruby, bullets here, this, what?
Cubans, mafia, grassy knoll, huh?
Wow.
But years from now, we'll look back and you'll go, oh, this is what we didn't understand about it.
This is what we should have understand.
These are the things that they knew and didn't tell us.
That'll be a big one.
What are the things that they know and we don't know yet?
That'll be a big one 100%.
But I will get out there on the road live again when we can, you know?
Maybe Nicholas Salmon just fucking throws me some cash.
We start a fucking podcast network.
I'll bring a Sandman right on here and just let him go.
What if he is like really racist?
Wouldn't that be hilarious if he gets all this money and then he like gets up and he does start saying crazy shit?
And we're like, whoa, dude, calm down.
He's like, now that I have $80 million, I want to let you know I will do nothing but dedicate myself to the preservation of the white people.
We're like, whoa, shit.
They were right.
Kathy Griffin was right.
No.
I mean, stranger things have happened.
I think it would just be funny.
Just be funny.
That's all.
Sometimes you just need to laugh.
There are 97 new cases of COVID.
That'll be, in a few years, it'll just be strains.
I'll be like, doctors found 19 new strains of COVID on a shoe.
And you'll be like, next, next.
I don't care anymore.
Scientists now recommend breathing deeply and killing yourself to reduce exposure to COVID.
You'll be like staring at the TV.
They'll be scientists have now recommended killing yourself at the first sign of a COVID symptom and letting your job be done by a robot.
Scientists believe the best way to combat robot is to automate the workforce immediately.
Scientists suggest locking your doors and not going outside for the rest of your time here on earth.
I don't know.
The robots are coming, man.
And once they're here, I mean, we won't even be talking.
They won't even be telling people that when the robots are ready, when they can replace all of us with robots, they're going to be like, go out, party on Lake Havasu, party up, party on the lake.
Once they have robots willing to do all these jobs, they'll just be like, hey, guys, party on, party on the lake.
Let's get rid of a few.
Party time.
Applebee's is open and it's free.
Oh, yeah, it's free.
Get in there.
All you can eat free for a week.
All the restaurants are free.
Get in there, stuff somebody's rustics, and you see what happens.
No, Don't even worry about coming into work.
We're trying out a robot in your position.
Yeah.
Scientists have now decided the best way to fight COVID is to go out to your local Applebee's for free all you can eat.
You know?
Scientists have now decided the best way to fight COVID is an underground bed that the government is testing out.
You just lay in this underground bed.
It's about six feet under the ground.
And what's good about that is when you're laying in it, all the COVID stays on the surface.
So just lay in that and we're going to close it and you just rest.
You just rest.
But I don't understand why they don't just do an Obama.
I mean, yeah, okay, you didn't vote for them.
It doesn't matter anyway.
No one thinks democracy is real.
Bring out Michelle, bring out Cuomo, be dope as fuck.
Done, done and done.
I'll just vote for them just because I'm fucking bored.
We can't live like this forever.
I made this point on Theo's show.
The CEO as Con Artist00:02:40
If the CEO of a company, if half the company thought the CEO was trying to kill them, whether they were right or not, you'd have to get another CEO.
It's just a fact.
Especially if the CEO played little jokes on them like he was trying to kill them.
Like if he was taking the elevator up and he's like, don't drink the water.
And then the doors closed.
Everyone's like, see?
And then the people that supported him in the company were like, he just does that.
That's just what he does.
The elevator door opens up again.
He's like, gotcha.
They're like, what?
C?
He is trying to, and they go, no, he's a joker.
He just likes having fun with you.
You would need to change course.
You'd need to get a new CEO of the company pretty quickly.
You would.
You'd need to get somebody who didn't inflame half of the country with a, I mean, I don't believe in any ideas, very few ideas that do I believe in strongly enough to tolerate what's going on right now.
Whether I wanted high or low tax, I mean, truly, what's going on right now, like imagine like the chaos that's on the streets right now.
And then there are people that are trying, but they're like, but what about trade?
I'm like, but what about trade?
But I agree with the.
But allow me to make a point about personal responsibility.
It's time to change course.
That's all.
The guy, Trump is not to be understood as evil or good.
He's not Hitler, and he's not a universal good.
Here's what Trump is, and this is the much more interesting story and a story that I love because these people kind of fascinate me.
Trump is the most successful con artist in the history of civilization.
There is nobody, nobody that can hold a candle really to Donald Trump in terms of being a con artist.
He has leveraged himself.
He has marketed himself in a way where he has held many positions, not the least of which the president, the leader of the free world, that he wasn't qualified to hold.
But he did it the old-fashioned way, not by really working hard and being determined, but by conning people, running a scam, being a grifter, being good at it.
You know, greasing palms, doing his own thing, kissing babies, except he didn't really kiss babies.
He didn't really grease palms.
He did it an entirely other, he hypnotized people with his words.
If you listen to him, he has this hypnotic thing and he puts people in a trance and he, you know, he's an amazing fighter when he's great on the ropes and he knows how to just destroy people and roast them and he gives them nicknames and he boils everything down to a very simplistic playgrounds type of politics.
It's very fulfilling because we're all animals with lizard brains.
Hypnotic Words and Schoolyard00:02:32
And when he goes, sleepy this, sleepy Joe, creepy dead, this and that.
He's just pointing around his schoolyard.
He's pointing at his schoolyard.
Okay.
And that's fun.
That's fun until there's a school shooting.
When there's a school shooting and people run around a school with guns and the same kid that's going, fat Tommy, dirty Chris, you go, dude, we got a gut.
This is school shooting right now.
They're shooting up the school.
Look at whore Sarah over there in the sandbox.
What a whore.
You go, dude, that's not working really right now.
We need some other way.
Doesn't mean that Biden's going to be much better.
He's probably not.
There isn't going to be a much better, by the way.
You know, it's like Taco Bell and Del Taco.
I'll make this point.
This is how I'll end it.
Del Taco has better ingredients.
It's probably got better food.
But what Del Daco doesn't have is any magic.
It's nothing magical about it.
So they end up creating less iconic moments, less transcendent tastes.
You know, the Cheesy Go Dida Crunch, these amazing eBurritos that they come up with every month at Taco Bell.
These things are iconic.
They're transcendent.
They take you somewhere else.
They make you think about your childhood.
There's something about Taco Bell.
They've created a world around Taco Bell.
It means more than food.
Del Taco has not done that.
Okay.
But they're both like disgusting.
Do you see what I mean?
They're both like food that someone found on a floor that goes into your body and then you shit it out like you ate a parasite in Brazil.
So my point is whether you go with the iconic transcendent marketing or you go with better ingredients, this country is still a drive-through.
The line is way too long.
Everybody serving you is high.
You are high.
There's cops waiting to nab you as soon as you get right on that fucking parkway.
And if you make it back to your home, your wife is fat, she hates you, and she's trying to kill you.
None of that is going to change no matter which drive-through you pull in.
So I would suggest that you just eat your fill, eat up, and at least you won't go home hungry.