This is the essential episode for the essential worker. Tim discusses what kind of women listen to the show, lean cuisine meals, and David Dobrik. Bonus Episodes every week: https://www.patreon.com/thetimdillonshow Merch: https://www.bonfire.com/store/the-tim-dillon-show/ Please Support Our Sponsors: https://magicspoon.com/timdillon use code TimDillon for free shipping! Follow the show: Tim J Dillon Twitter - http://www.twitter.com/TimJDillon Tim J Dillon Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Horrors of Mass-Produced Diet Food00:06:08
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dylan show.
Where's your mask?
You don't have a mask?
You want me to go get one?
Are you violating the Beverly Hills law that if you come in with six feet of another person, you have to wear a mask?
Everybody looks like the fucking Phantom of the Opera here.
This is my reusable cloth mask, which is these are disgusting.
I mean, you don't want to reuse a mask.
You want to throw it out when you breathe in it.
Yeah.
It's really, I mean, this is atrocious, you know?
And I had an eggplant parmesan today that was truly life-changing.
And I'm not getting money from these people or anything.
I just want to say a shout out to Dominico's specialty store, you know, an Italian specialty store that Sal Volcano on the Impractical Jokers turned me on to and Paul Verse, among others.
Great eggplant parm is such a tough dish to make because it's either too mushy, like where it's literally, or the eggplant slices are cut too thick.
But this was perfect.
Like it was absolutely perfect.
And it comes frozen and you heat it up in the oven or the microwave.
Every time there's a choice between the oven and the microwave, I just do microwave because I did cocaine at 13.
And when you do cocaine at 13, you've grown up in a home where you use the microwave a lot.
So I'm no stranger to the microwave.
I don't care that it radiates your food and it radiates you.
And I mean, the only reason I'm not dying of coronavirus might be the fact that I stand in front of the microwave and stare at it while the little food goes around.
Remember when microwavable food was considered like a healthy option?
Yeah.
Like people would go and get literally a chunk of frozen something that looked like an artifact that was found and then it would melt and then become something.
Like they had lean cuisine had sandwiches for a while where you would literally like it was like add water and then it would become a fucking sandwich.
And they had these, you know, they would serve them in these little trays.
Yeah, there they are.
They served them in these little trays, crisping sleeves, crisping trays, and you would crisp up this.
And when you were eating a lean cuisine sandwich, and that's what it really looks like right down there.
That's what it really looks like.
When you're eating that, and I've eaten that, and you're in an office and you're eating a lean cuisine sandwich like that.
And Ben, you got to put that up on the podcast.
Because when you're eating something like that, man, there is no reason that you don't take out a I mean, whatever gun would blow your head clear off.
45, something where there wouldn't even be a chance you'd live.
Like it would have to just take you out.
But I've seen it, man.
I've done it.
I've seen secretaries, fat people that are trying to get ahead, trying to get ahead of, you know, just choke down a lean cuisine microwavable sandwich.
I mean, The horrors of mass-produced diet food.
Because before people, before there was this organic movement or farm to table, there were people that were like, the same, what I love about like this era of dieting, they were like, the same people who fucked us are going to help us now.
Like the same companies that have done nothing but push sludge down our throats through drive-through windows are now going to answer the call and provide us with healthy alternatives that we just add water and it's a steak.
Just add water.
And I watched my mother and countless fat Long Island women go and then men as well.
More shamefully, though, a man, a man pulling out a lean cuisine.
Then there was like an element where it almost got weirdly masculine.
Like if you had a lean cuisine in the break room, you had to kind of be, you had to peacock a little and be a dick like, yo, fuck a lean cuisine.
So the fuck what?
Like people would be like, relax, dude.
Calm down, you know?
But that's, that's what health food was for a very long time was just genuine.
I mean, look at, look at that.
I mean, could you imagine sitting now?
You don't really see now.
I guess I haven't been in an office environment in a long time, but I'm sure there are still people out there choking down a lean cuisine.
They're tough.
There's a little Asian chicken one, which is just four to five morsels of a meat that the FDA has ruled is close enough to chicken.
And then just like a little, like a handful of angel hair pasta.
And it just boils, like it cooks.
It gets so hot that when you, when there's no lean cuisine that you put in your mouth where you don't burn your mouth, third degree burn.
Maybe that was the strategy.
You get all these people just burn their mouth and they won't eat.
Right.
Because these lean cuisines get hotter than anything I've ever seen in my life.
I mean, they get hotter than a cast iron pan because it's just chemicals.
Have you ever lit plastic on fire?
That's what this is.
That's what these things are.
It's amazing to watch, but an amazing eggplant parmesan today from Dominicos.
Thank you, Dominicos.
China's 5G Conspiracy Theory00:02:55
Let's do the death counts.
Where are we, everybody?
Coronavirus cases right now in the world, 2,831,784.
Deaths, 197,306.
Recovered, 806,953.
Let's do it by country.
We're about to break a million in the USA.
Tell them what they've won.
They've won a Great Depression.
Young people are having strokes.
No one knows why.
Nobody knows.
You go to the hospital, you may not leave.
This is a, it's a brutal sickness, man.
Even though I criticize like the way the government's handled it, and we can all debate what's coming and everything like that, it is a real virus.
Like the people out there that think that this is not real are mentally ill.
Like it's people are getting it and they're dying.
I don't, listen, you may say, you might look at the numbers and go, oh, doesn't worry me, but that's fine.
And you can make a judgment on the mortality rate.
But like there are people in hospitals right now checking out in their 40s, in their 30s.
And it's, you know, You know, in the USA, there's some real critical, there's 15,000 critical cases in the USA.
That doesn't seem like a lot.
And it's not a lot.
But that also could be the result of the fact that nobody's been outside.
Because once everybody starts going outside, you might see more cases.
If China did this and they introduce a vaccine and then we all take the vaccine and then they flip on the 5G switch and we all explode or we all fall to the ground and start shaking, you got to give it to China.
You got, folks, folks, you got to give it to them.
Credit where credit is due.
Sometimes you got to know when you've been beat.
They're going to win.
They're putting people in while they're still screaming in a crematorium and then putting them in an urn.
They're going to win here.
We're apologizing because we said the wrong word.
They're going to win.
It's just a matter of when.
And if they really did this and then the 5G starts being used and people just fall to the ground and start shaking, I mean hats off to China.
I don't want it to be the case.
But if that is the case, as so many of you happen to believe, then, hey, what are you going to do?
YouTube Philanthropy in Broken America00:12:15
What are you really going to do?
All these people are going to work.
Trump doesn't care about these people.
Yeah, he doesn't.
He doesn't.
He's not going to.
Obama didn't.
I understand it's shitty to work at a meat processing plant when this pandemic is happening.
How fun was it pre-pandemic to work at the meat packing plant?
What kind of barrel of fun was it packaging meat before this for no money?
Let me know.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe it was a real ball everyone was having at the meat packaging plant before Corona.
I could be wrong.
Meat needs to be packaged.
People need to package meat.
I like meat.
So do you.
If we fire all the people, this comes down to the fact that not everybody is going to, there are people out there that work at jobs that are not, there's no silver lining.
So their silver lining is a ciggy or a glass of booze or maybe a nice pill or the Lord Jesus or, you know, dark web torture porn or a nice big Buford checkers, nice sloppy Buford.
But the job's not getting better at the meat plant.
Think about it.
Think about working at the meat plant.
It's not nice.
It's not good.
Everyone's like, the workers at the meat, by the way, did anyone give a shit about any of these essential workers before?
They're essential.
They're making $8 an hour.
They're essential.
We've never treated them like essential workers.
And I'm saying that's fucked up.
I'm saying that's not good.
But we've never treated them like it's because let's be honest.
If you're essential in a pandemic, it doesn't mean you're essential without a pandemic.
And I respect the fuck out of the grocery clerks that are out there.
But it's, you know, it's a different world now.
And you're now essential, but you weren't essential.
And it's insulting you to pretend that we think you're really, we don't think you're really essential.
I got to be honest with you.
I'm telling the truth.
Susan Sarandon won't tell.
Maybe she will.
Saranda's all over the place and probably on pills and might say things that make sense occasionally.
But you know what I mean.
The people out here in Hollywood and their pools.
They're not going to tell you the truth.
I'm telling you the truth.
We don't really think you're essential.
We just don't want you to die.
I don't want to die and I don't want you to die.
But we don't think you're essential.
And we God, if any of us, and I mean anybody, had to work at the meat packing plant, they would blow their head off.
I'm just saying, I'm not insulting you at the plant.
I have to be honest.
If you don't expect honesty from me, I don't know what I can give you.
Truly, if you're not expecting honesty here, so let's cut the shit and this canard about the essential work.
It's great.
Like all of these celebrities, like, it's the thank you bus drivers.
Fuck one.
Hey, fuck one.
Fuck a bus driver.
Make them essential to your pussy.
Fuck one of these people that you say are essential.
Take them home.
Open your beautifully manicured snatch to someone packing meat at the plant.
How about that?
Put your money where your mouth is and put his mouth where your mouth is or her mouth.
Go grab a big feisty dyke at the Tyson chicken plant and let her go down on you.
Why not?
Because they're essential.
Thank you.
Is there anything?
Now, I brought food twice to the nurses and the doctors and I immediately regretted it.
And I paid once.
Whitney paid the other time.
She's done well.
And the reality is this.
I want the nurses, but then I realize they don't need food.
They don't need me showing up with baked ZD.
They don't need me showing up with Trey's lasagna.
This isn't a retirement party in a VFW hall in Long Island.
This is an ER.
They need other shit.
PPE, vaccine.
Listen, I'm all for helping people, but we have to be honest now because if we're not honest, we're going to devolve rapidly into a world where people are always lying at every, and that's going to get us all killed sooner or later if we're not honest.
We have to be honest.
You don't care about the essential workers.
You can't flip a switch and start caring about someone overnight.
You truly do not care.
Because here's the thing.
Some of these essential work, and I understand, but some of them still have attitudes.
I'll rip the mask off your face.
Do you understand?
I said, where's the Grav Lox?
The Grav Lox is different than the regular smoked salmon, bitch.
You know this.
You know this.
The smoked salmon and the Grav Lox is cured with the dill.
Don't treat me.
I will.
I'll grab the mask off your face is what I'm saying.
Okay?
Let's cut the shit.
I know that everybody's treating you like you just, you know.
So let's cut it out.
I am all for paying these people more fucking money.
But I'm not for these fake social media displays of affection to strange a don't care.
Stop banging pots and pans.
Yes, it is nice for a little while.
It is nice.
I understand that.
But we need deeper structural change.
You know, I know David Dobrik is going around LA shooting a t-shirt cannon at people and they're making $10,000.
That's lovely.
But perhaps there needs to be a more widespread effort at healing the wealth divide.
That's so entertaining because we live in a fallen world where you're, you know, people's only hope now is that the millionaire from YouTube shoots a t-shirt cannon at them with $10,000.
I thought he was just going around LA shooting people, which I supported.
And I said, now, now I get it.
I get it.
I was like, why is this guy so popular?
He's a cutie and he's nice.
And I do like him.
I have no people.
But, you know, I was always said, like, why is he?
And then I looked, they go, oh, he's just running around and he's shooting people.
And I go, well, that I like.
And I think there's something about that.
He's embracing where we are and what needs to be done.
They were going, he's going around and he's shooting families in need.
And at that point, I said, well, I like that, right?
He sees a family in need.
He goes, well, they're a fucking, I don't need four leeches.
Get them out of here.
I was like, I'm in for that.
Now, but supposedly he's giving them money.
I don't like that.
I don't like that.
But he's going around to families in need.
This is America in 2020.
I want everybody to take a deep breath and realize where America is in 2020.
America in 2020.
If you are a family in need in America, you can only rely on the YouTube guy shooting you with a t-shirt cannon and hope to God it has a check in it because the government is no, we're no longer a functional state.
That's where we are.
That's not a joke.
That's not a bit.
That's not a bit.
And the government will provide you nothing.
Your only hope is that you happen to be walking around the same area as the YouTube millionaire who's shooting $10,000 checks at you.
That's charity in America.
He's going to shoot a potato gun.
He's going to bury a $10,000 check in a potato and then shoot it at you.
That is America right now.
And he trended on Twitter for it.
And people are like, he's the best person that's ever lived.
And I have no, I'm not saying don't do charity, but I'm saying that's where we are.
I have to step.
Not everything can be about selling sneakers, which is my problem about existing in the digital world because that's literally everything here is just about, and we are launching a line of something soon.
And I don't want, don't come at me and say, well, what about this and that?
You go fuck your mother is what that is because we're launching something very soon.
It's going to be very good for everybody.
And all of the donations will go to Hollywood celebrities who are already wealthy because we're not throwing good money after bad.
I'm telling you that.
Families in need.
Why are you a family away from me, gross?
Go get David.
Go chase David Dobrik down the street.
Maybe he'll shoot you with a t-shirt cannon.
Maybe there'll be a wet t-shirt contest where at the end of it, David Dobrik, he gives you 30 grand in pennies and you have to crawl around the street and stuff him in your ass.
It doesn't matter.
But that's where we are as a country.
And be happy.
Be happy, David Dobrik.
I'm not insulting him.
Be happy he's there.
I don't have the money to do that.
I don't have the sponsors that help me do that either, okay?
I guess I could fling ridge wallets at these families in need, which by the way, I saw the videos.
You didn't know how in need these people were.
People that are in need, you can't shoot something at in many cases because they would shoot you back.
I wish you shot something with 10 grand.
I would start yelling at him like, what the fuck am I going to do with 10 grand in LA?
Go to lunch, go to lunch, but that's where we're at.
The government gave you $1,200.
David Dobrik's giving you $10,000.
That's something to think about.
That's something to think about the fact that you have to rely on a video from a YouTuber.
Like if you're a poor person or you're somebody in need, you have to retweet Jeffree Star and hope that he gives you money.
That's part of the American system now.
Part of the American system is YouTube philanthropy.
That's part of America now.
People do it.
They tweet at these people.
My loans are the student loans.
I can't.
My dad is sick.
It's terrifying and tragic.
And it's part of America now that YouTube philanthropy is a thing.
You just got to wait for whatever narcissist on YouTube is willing to throw you money.
I want to go around with a gun and take $10,000 from people.
And I would love that if that was the video.
If YouTubers got together and went around Beverly Hills and took 10 grand from people with a gun.
Not a t-shirt gun, a real gun, a big boy gun.
Took 10 grand from people, I would watch that video.
I'm just saying this is where we are.
People say, I don't have anything on the pad.
The circle represents a circle of life.
Living Among Actors' Broken Dreams00:02:06
I like having the pad here.
Fuck off.
Please join the Patreon.
There's hundreds of thousands of you listening to this.
We have 4,500 patrons.
What are you going to do?
It's all over.
They're not making any more movies this year.
They're not making, you're going to have to wait for Oz and Caesar, Ozark season four, okay?
Which will be written by AI at that point, and you'll all love it.
So don't, you know, get excited over there.
Ozark.
Everybody, it's the best show.
It's great.
Laura Linney and Jason Bateman are phenomenal.
And Julia Garner are amazing actors and they do a great job with what I would consider is an okay script.
It is fine.
It is a serviceable piece of work for those great actors to do.
Every movie or TV show right now should just be me yelling at people.
There is no reason to have any other entertainment right now.
It is tone deaf.
It is tone deaf to have anything else but me screaming at people in my fucking carpeted apartment because I live in hell.
If you have a carpet, you truly live in hell.
You really live in hell.
People don't realize that the sign of poverty is a carpet.
A disgusting, dirty, stranger things era 80s carpet where you're just like, get me the fuck out of here.
Okay?
It's nice to have a Persian rug.
It's different.
Carpeting, it just means you live in an old place.
I live in an old apartment building where a lot of actors and actresses have probably said their final farewell.
They said goodbye here.
I'm living with their dust.
It's in the walls, in the air.
Broken dreams, just a litany of failures.
I mean, that's what I'm saying.
Folks, let's talk about cereal because I am so, you know, I want to talk about cereal actually because, you know, when I was a child, my parents didn't do a lot of the things I wanted.
Essential Workers Are Real Heroes00:15:23
They didn't get me a dog.
They said my mother was allergic.
They were probably lying.
They didn't let me have cereal with yellow dye number five.
They wouldn't let me have Lucky Charms.
It wouldn't have me all that stuff.
So what I did as a way to get back at them was become a gay cocaine addict in my immediately, almost immediately, a few years after that.
Literally a few years after at 13, I was doing Coke and trying to find dicks to suck.
And that's their fault.
I would have been a married banker who attended a golf club if they just let me get all my fun out with lucky fucking charms.
Instead, they said, no lucky charms for you.
So I found lucky charms and I blew them right up my nose.
But breakfast used to be fun, right?
I mean, once you start watching your carbs and sugar, it gets boring.
It's true.
We're all trying to do keto, paleo, whatever.
We all want to survive, get the immune system strong so corona doesn't kill us.
But now.
I want to get the ads going.
That's my point here.
Patreon's great, but we got to get the ads going.
You know why all the big podcasts in LA don't have Patreons?
Because they have, and I'll always do a Patreon because I always want to do content that I like the idea of Patreon because five bucks a year in four hours is fucking, it's good.
It's real deal shit.
You're not getting fucked over.
I've sold a lot of bad products in my life, subprime mortgages, copier machines.
It didn't work.
And I'll do it again.
But the point is that the Patreon's actually a good deal.
But a lot of these big podcasts in LA, they don't need that because everybody buys the shit.
So just buy this shit, please.
I'm not going to get less funny.
I know.
You know what I mean?
I'm not going to get.
I think some of you think I'm going to get less funny when I, when I, when I like have a home, when I can afford a house.
Here's what's going to happen if I can't afford a house.
I'm going to kill you.
I'm going to kill all of you.
I'll find a way to kill all of you.
I don't know how I'm going to do it.
I'll figure out a fucking way.
I'll kill every last one of you.
I'll kill my whole audience.
What's going on with this vaccine, these motherfuckers?
You pull something up here about the vaccine.
What are we doing?
What is the vaccine here?
I was fucking around in the kitchen.
I think I got something with a little white wine vinegar and something.
I'm going to call the CDC tomorrow.
See if we can start a trial.
I was fucking around with a little extra virgin olive oil, a little white wine, vinegar.
I think we could kind of do it.
We've topped over 50,000 deaths.
It's a fucking ugly thing, man.
Anti-vaccine, anti-lockdown movements converging, refusing to be enslaved.
Here's the thing, folks.
Here's the point.
It's again, this is unhelpful to have this fucking...
I mean, it's such a, we have such a fucking dumb country.
It's such a dumb country that it's, the people are not governable because on one side of the anti-lockdown movement, you have these retards that are like going out there and they're acting like they have a right to like completely destabilize society entirely by just flouting every like common sense.
Like you wouldn't even have to have these lockdown movements if we were hygienic.
Take a shower, pig.
You wouldn't even have to have these fucking lockdown movements if you didn't go to Applebee's and take a shit in the booth.
Like the reason that you have to be locked inside of your houses.
So there's certain people that are like, I just want to go cough on old people because that's, it's really, and then the other side of morons who are like, who are like, this quarantine has become like a boon for like cat mom winos who are like baking bread and showing us their like charcuterie platters all day.
And it's like enough with that.
They're fetishizing this quarantine.
They like being alone.
They like like the idea that they can just they're there they work at some bullshit creative job.
They've saved up enough money.
They don't understand that there's people out there that have to really work in America at real fucking jobs.
Okay.
Some people need to go out and open up their business that they own, the fucking fried chicken and grenade stand or whatever it is, because that's what's out there.
People need fried chicken and grenades.
So on one side, you have people being like, oh, what do you mean I care for a part?
I want a party.
You have these fucking disgusting spring break kids, which by the way, let's end that whole thing.
Let's end that immediately.
All of that.
What I hope, truly, truly what I hope comes out of this pandemic is I don't want to ever see anyone in public again happy.
If we can go through this whole pandemic and on the other side of it, come out with a stoic Scandinavian group of people who like barely shows emotion and just walks around the street, it'll be like something good.
There's nothing more repulsive than seeing people.
Now here, I like maniacal laughter.
When you see me and my friends out, you'll always see us laughing a lot, but we never look happy because we're not.
We're laughing because if we weren't, we would be killing ourselves.
And it's the type of laughter that's very unstable and it could lead very quickly into screaming or crying.
That is still okay.
But genuine displays of affection and happiness amongst groups or couples should be over now.
You should be walking around thinking about death every minute of every day.
The darkness that lives outside of you should now live in you.
A little part of it should live in you.
So what I mean here is that like, I understand how gross it is.
If your fucking cousin is in the hospital with COVID and they're fighting for their fucking life, and then you see these idiots that just want to be on jet skis, it'll drive you fucking mad.
But you still have to understand that there are people that need to go out and work at the fried chicken and grenade stand.
And I'm not saying that to shit on the people that own the fried, because a lot of people are going to be, oh, you're an elitist.
You're shitting on the fried chicken and grenade stand.
Number one, I'm not.
But that's what's going on in the country.
Like, I mean those types of jobs.
It's not the rich fucks don't need to go the fuck back out for the most part.
It's people that work at the at fucking places where they got to be there.
You know, it's like the meat packing plant, which we got to have a chain, can't have the food supply, you know, interrupted by this shit.
It's, it's, you know, we need to feed the country.
We need to feed the country.
And I know I live in California.
Everybody thinks we could feed the country with like bullion cubes of vegetable.
We can't.
People need to eat meat.
They need to eat things that other people have killed, that large corporations have tortured.
Put them in a thing.
And then somebody, and this is why life sucks.
Somebody is going to have to put the meat in the package before you get it.
And I know that's not nice to think about.
You know what I mean?
But it's okay.
Because listen.
And then you can't tell those people not to smoke or not to drink.
You got to let them live it up the way they want to live it up.
If you work at a meat packing plant, you go, you do you.
No, don't eat organic.
Go to town.
If you're unhappy, make yourself happy.
Yes, there are better ways to do it.
A long walk is probably better than a plate of chili southwestern egg rolls.
But guess what?
Some people need that egg roll.
I saw a woman, I was driving home, driving back to the house to do the podcast.
I saw some woman like limp in.
She was like a decent, younger, good-looking person.
She was like limping down Laurel Canyon and like, and I don't know what the fuck happened.
I don't know if a sex dungeon opened the doors and flung her out.
But I'm like, what's this bitch going through?
And now because of COVID, you can't pull over and even try to help them.
And I wouldn't have done it before, COVID.
But now because of COVID, you can't.
I could see a whole family getting lit on fire.
I would just roll my window up and keep driving because it's the right thing to do right now because of the pandemic.
You got to be a real hero now.
Thanks, bus driver.
Hey, thanks, bus driver.
You don't take the bus.
You don't give a shit about bus drivers.
Shut the fuck up.
You don't care about the people that work in a meat processing plant.
You call them all murderers.
You'd like their job to be fucking outlawed.
If it was up to you, everybody would be putting Edamame in their ass and there'd be no fucking meat packaging plant or whatever.
But this is the way these motherfuckers have to make a living.
They have to do this.
It is what it is.
It's not nice, but they're not qualified.
You know, maybe they're not qualified to do other things.
Did you ever think about that?
That the person working in the meat packaging plant has to have a job and it can't be running Paramount Pictures.
Maybe they're not qualified for it.
Maybe they're not qualified to own a bank or to run a business or to own a restaurant.
Maybe they can't be a carpenter.
Maybe they can't sell cars.
Maybe they can't be a medical assistant.
Maybe they can't be a physician.
Maybe they can't be a lawyer, a doctor, a cop.
Maybe they can't work in a diner.
Maybe they have to work in that meat packaging plant.
And that's what it is.
I would like, and by the way, if you work in a meat packaging plant, I'm not going at you.
I'm not even insult.
I'm not insulting you at all.
What I'm trying to say is that you're being patronized by people that don't give a shit about you because we all work in these grocery stores and half of us, this is what really people think.
This is, do you want to hear the honesty of what's going on right now?
Rich people want a vaccine so they can go back to treating you like shit.
That's exactly what it is.
They want to get pricked so they can go right back to walking to a grocery store and fucking treating you like shit.
That's what they want.
So this whole idea that, you know, the essential workers, this bullshit.
And listen, I am not abusive to workers.
Now, a lot of people will say that's untrue because of things that I've said before.
I have never been abusive to someone at a restaurant that did not have it coming or that I wasn't trying to better as a person.
I'm, I support you, which is why this bitch in Bristol Farms, it keeps giving me a look, is going to get dragged because I want her to succeed.
So when you give me an attitude, when you give me an attitude, I know that you don't want the best for you, but I do.
So what I'm going to do is I'm going to hit you in the back of the head with a loaf of bread and your mask is going to come out and you're going to lick the floor.
And you're going to get, I'm going to make you lick the floor like you get COVID, like the scene from American History X. I'm not, so here's the reality.
Let's, these people should get paid.
I called for it.
I said, give them, give them, cancel all the student debt for the nurses and the doctors.
Go treat these essential people like government employees for this period of time.
If you work at a place like Target or whatever and you're at risk, these people should be eligible for maybe low interest rate loans, a portion of their student debt too.
I'm all for that.
I'm all for all of that.
But what I'm not for is the patronizing horseshit because I don't, we don't care.
I don't care.
No, I don't really care about you.
I want you to have money and survive, but I don't care about you.
And you don't care about me.
So let's cut it out.
Obama doesn't care.
Trump doesn't care.
Chuck Schumer doesn't care.
Amon Schumer doesn't care.
No one cares.
You barely care about your neighbor.
You barely know their name.
If I see my cousin on the subway, I walk to the other car because I just go, what am I going to do here?
Oh, yeah, your mom's good.
No, it's good.
I saw you.
So this whole pretend caring shit is it's an insult to your intelligence.
I don't know you, woman at this grocery store, but I want you to have health insurance and money.
But I'm not going to tell you I care.
I care in the abstract about you.
There's a lot of caring in the abstract in this country, you know?
But no one gives really, I don't care.
You're essential worker now, which is great.
And I appreciate that because you are doing an essential function for the moment.
But as soon as that vaccine is here, dude, do not kid yourself.
As soon as that vaccine is here, you'll go back to getting open hand smacked in the face if the deli counter doesn't have what these bitches want.
It is what it is.
I mean, I just, I hope I'm making the point that I want to make here, which is not fuck these people.
They're working their ass off.
I'm for giving them a lot more.
What I'm against is this fake thing.
You don't care about the, can you stop?
And my aunt calls me.
She's like, they shouldn't open the economy.
People are going to die.
You don't care.
You don't care.
Just stay in your house.
You don't care about the rest.
And I'm not a sociopath that doesn't have any feelings, but I'm telling you, Patrice did a bit about it where he's like, you can't care.
There's so much shit going wrong in the world at any given moment.
Your own survival depends upon you not caring about every little thing.
Your own survival depends on you not caring about every little thing.
You have to just get on with it and figure out a way to survive in this fallen fucking world.
And you could support policies that help people.
You can support all of that shit.
But don't, don't fuck in this whole horseshit.
Thank you, bus driver.
Thank you, nurses.
Thank you, food delivery.
Let me tell you right now.
Let me tell you right now.
Everyone says that postmates, the DoorDash people are essential.
Let me tell you right now.
DoorDash, if I could give the CEO of DoorDash, fuck Corona, if I could give him Ebola and watch him bleed out of his eyes, hemorrhagic fever.
DoorDash is the most incompetent.
I mean, they don't, best case, they deliver your food to someone else.
Best case, someone else eats your fucking meal.
And I'm going to have to pretend that DoorDash is an essential fucking service.
They can't do anything right.
I'm going to have to say everybody working at DoorDash is a hero because two months ago, it was a stoner who couldn't sell a screenplay.
And now he's a hero because he's dropping off meatballs.
Stop.
Stop it now.
You're insulting people.
You're making them weak and you're destroying them.
And I refuse to do it.
I refuse to be a party to your lies.
Essential workers.
Some yes, some no.
Let's cut it the fuck out.
Not every nurse is a fucking hero either.
They're not.
Some of them are.
Some of them are great.
And I respect the fuck out of what some of them are doing.
Especially if I get sick and I have to go to the hospital.
The one that works on me, that's one that I real respect and I support that one.
Satan Would Be Embarrassed Here00:15:28
But some of these other ones, I don't know.
That's my whole point here.
My whole point is that for our own sake and for the good of the country and for the good of these people, for the good of the essential workers, we have to begin to abuse them again.
For the good of the essential workers, we need to get to a point where we can start opening our assholes and taking a shit on them.
Because that's when you're going to know the country is beginning to heal.
When we start treating the grocery store workers like garbage again.
That's when you know that this great, disgusting country of ours, which is, I was going to say almost over, it's over and in some.
I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
The hope in this country right now is that one of those essential workers, when they're walking back to their apartment, gets shot with a t-shirt gun on YouTube.
That's their hope.
That they get shot, that some narcissist who's got a YouTube following decides to shoot them with a potato gun full of money.
That's their hope.
That's the country that we've all created because we lie.
We lie.
And we go, I just thank you.
Thank you, Samas.
Thank you, essential workers.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye.
I'm going to bang a pot.
Doesn't mean anything.
Doesn't mean anything, folks.
But we've got to figure out a way to start opening things up safely because the country cannot become a bunch of whino cat moms.
And that's what we see who's truly fetishizing and enjoying this to an unhealthy degree is whino cat moms with like plaid sweaters and they're sitting around and they're posting photos of their goofy parents.
My parents are being so goofy.
They're so goofy.
Look, I made banana bread.
Get the fuck up and get ready for the war.
We're going.
We're having a nuclear war with China in like six months.
Wake the fuck up.
I hope you like your fucking cat then.
We're going to have a new.
What's funny is when me and Ben started the show, the idea of us sitting in a room and where I would just scream about nuclear war at midnight was exactly what we wanted to create that space.
You know, but this is this is what I mean.
The cat moms can't win.
These morons can't win either that are walking around.
You know, it's also stop giving Candace Owens all your money.
Stop donating.
Listen, I know the drag stuff can be a little forced and it can get a little annoying.
You're more mad at the drag show on HBO than you're mad at the people who didn't give you any money.
The government shut down the economy, gave you $1,200.
Trump's the president.
What are you dumb?
You think Jared Goldman, Sachs Kushner gives a fuck about you?
Grow up, you dummy.
They want you in the street.
I want you in the street and I have no money.
I barely have nothing.
People like Bill Gates wants to depopulate the world.
I'm like, so do I.
I just want to decide who goes.
People that don't buy the magic spoon cereal is certainly not safe.
That's that great Bill Hicks.
Bill Hicks did a bit like that.
kind of forget it, but he was like, he's like, he's like, politics makes strange bedfellows.
He was like, people were like, the Iraqis, they just want to cut off Bush's head and play soccer with it.
Bill Hicks is like, he goes, that's what Saddam wants.
They go, yeah.
Bill Hicks goes, that's what I want.
He's like, me and Saddam, we're like this, man.
Strange bedfellows.
You can't be overly panicked about anything.
Don't be overly panicked about the chip that's coming into your neck.
It's probably coming, but we're not going to be alive to see it.
And all these liberty movements that are sprouting up around the country, in spirit, I'm with you, but what are you really doing?
You know, let's truly be honest here.
Is it liberty?
Is it true liberty or is it liberty?
Because you just want some version of Jesus fascism because that's what you want.
You just want to be a slave to another thing that's insanely corrupt.
That's the problem I have.
The problem with the modern conspiracy movement is everything goes back to Jesus.
Everything goes back to, it's a fight between good and evil.
You're just turning your brain off.
You get into conspiracies.
You get into alternate history, whatever you want to call it, because you don't want to turn your brain off.
You don't want to be shoveled, you know, this shit from the mainstream media and the government.
You don't want to take everything they say.
You turn your brain on.
When you then take that and it all goes back to John 3, 16 and Jesus, that means your brain is off again.
You've turned your brain off and you're looking for solutions that make you feel good.
And that's what bothers me about the modern, you know, because it's blown up.
It went mainstream.
Conspiracy wasn't ever supposed to go mainstream.
Most people can't handle it.
They don't understand.
Most people now, they're getting red-pilled and they're figuring shit out, but they're so, they don't have any of the facts.
They've never read a book.
They've learned about American history through memes.
They don't know anything.
Their minds are melting.
They don't understand nuance and they're being taken advantage of by just charlatans and people who know that half the shit they're pushing isn't real.
They know the QAnotcha.
They know the people that are making money off this know there's not going to be three days of darkness, which ends with the arrest of some fucking celebrity.
They know that.
They know that.
They're just, and the ones that don't, that's scary, but most of them know that.
Most of them don't care.
They're just figuring out a way to take your money because they're convincing you that for whatever reason, there's some big thing and you're in on it.
You know it.
You're in on it.
And you're going to have a front row seat to all the justice.
It's not going to happen.
How stupid do you have to be to believe that a guy who had the top TV show in all of Hollywood, who is friends with the Clintons, who is friends with Jeffrey Epstein, who wouldn't care if his own daughter Tiffany was thrown out of a helicopter, how that suggested today that maybe chlorine might make sense inside of you to fight the virus?
Like this guy is leading a secret war to rid the world of Satan?
He made his money with gambling and modeling.
He made his money with gamblers and whores.
This guy's trying to get Satan out of the world.
When?
When did he discover Jesus?
His third or fourth marriage?
I mean, I understand Nancy Pelosi sucks and you want to stick it to the liberals, but how dumb do you have to be?
I want to be that dumb.
I want to be that dumb to believe that that guy's the guy that's going to do it.
The people that would do shit like that don't get elected.
They don't, they have no money.
The people that really care about the children tend not to build real estate empires with Russian mobsters who live in their buildings who are doing human trafficking.
I mean, guys, at what point do you put the fantasies down?
The reason you don't want to do it is because then you know it.
When you finally accept that you've been taken for, Christopher Hitchens made a great point about North Korea.
He goes, you know, nobody's joking around here.
Nobody's talking about how bad it is.
He goes, in every, you know, fascist country, you know, authoritarian theocracy he had been to, there was at least some joke or somebody looked at somebody else like, it's fucking, they're really fucking us here, you know?
But in North Korea, they didn't do that.
And he goes, that was the most alarming thing about it is the lack of any of that sentiment.
And he goes, he asked somebody why, and they said to him, they were like, listen, it's easier to go along with things than to admit your entire life has been a lie.
I get it.
When Trump's out of office, it probably will take another four years because they're running Biden.
But who knows?
He might, you know, another thing, I mean, again, the economy, it's hard.
You know, incumbents usually win, but when the economy, when there's breadlines, it might be tough, you know?
But the reality is, like, you have to, when he's out of office, you're going to have to say to yourself, we got taken a little.
Got taken for right.
And by the way, I don't think everything he tried to do was wrong.
I think you need an immigration.
I think I've been very clear.
I think if he said what he was, if he rolled back to carried interest loophole, which he didn't because Chuck Schumer and Wall Street got involved, but if he did that, if he gets more companies back to America, if he focuses on an economic policy that centers bringing certain manufacturing jobs and certain things back to America, incentivizing companies to come back here, I have no problem with that.
Enforcing border security, I have no problem with that.
He's done it in a cruel and inhumane and degrading way of separating families.
I've never been for that, but I've always been for having a border, as most sane people are, okay?
Not the cast of SNL, but most sane human beings understand why we need some type of border, okay?
Okay, not if you're on Coke every night and you're with other celebrities and everyone's doing Coke and the only meals you eat are through your nose.
I understand that you don't understand why we need a border, but most people do.
And thank God other people are thinking, huh?
Thank God you get paid money to bomb all the time, dressed up like a fucking Muppet.
The point is this, folks, when Trump's out of office, there's a lot of people that are going to have to come to the realization that electoral politics doesn't work.
We're a failed state and it's dysfunctional.
And the only thing, truly, if you want real change, if you want a country that actually functions, what you're going to have to do is buy the magic spoon cereal.
Do you understand that?
You have to buy.
If you buy it and you eat it, you'll feel like a child again and you'll cast aside all the racism and all the xenophobia and all the whatever.
And you'll become that child that believes again.
And it was through all of us believing and creating that reality that we can have a new country.
But it will not happen.
And mark my fucking words.
Without the magic spoon cereal, we will be more chaos and death to a degree that even further, I mean, it's just going to be, you'll see people walking around snapping the necks of their pets in the middle of the street.
Or magic spoons and don't buy a box or two.
Buy a lot.
Buy a lot.
But that's what I'm saying.
I'm saying when you grow up, you know, I paid attention to politics very closely when I was a child.
I was in high school and, you know, a little bit of college.
And you start realizing you're like, oh, no, it's, oh, it's pretend.
And people make a lot of money pretending.
And I get it.
Like, I get that people need to print, like, oh, okay, I sure.
I understand it.
But what you don't understand is that the vaccine to coronavirus is the magic spoon cereal.
It is the vaccine to the pandemic.
If we all eat it, we'll get to a point where we can walk back into grocery stores and start attacking the people.
We can start to choke out Uber drivers again.
We can start to punch the delivery people in the face.
We can start treating those essential workers the way we've all treated them by just think about this.
Think about it's a year from now.
There's no new cases.
And you see an essential worker and you just splash a glass of your piss in his face.
That's when you know.
And he says, thank you.
He goes, thank you, sir.
Thank you, sir.
And you go, you like it?
That's when you know.
You know, this country's back in business when Gislaine Maxwell has his show on Bravo.
You know, she's one of the real housewives of New York, Gislane Maxwell.
She's an international woman of mystery.
Trying to think what her pull quote would be.
She'd be like, a lot of people got a lot to say about me, but they don't know the real me.
If they did know the real me, they wouldn't talk because oh, fucking, I'll have them killed.
That's raw.
I'm just lying.
That's pretty much what we had to go over this week.
For those of you in a bad spot, don't worry about it.
Things are going to get better.
Potentially position yourself in front of David Dobrik's t-shirt gun.
Or embrace a world where no one really cares about you.
Certainly not politicians.
And go from there.
Just go from there.
Just wake up every day and go, yep, I'm all I've got.
No one else truly cares.
Maybe find a bed.
Maybe you get a good friend.
You should have like three or four friends, folks.
Stop it.
These cat moms that love the quarantine, they all have a trillion pretend friends.
They got a trillion pretend friends.
I'm telling you right now, small group, figure out what you can do.
We'll all get to a point in this country when we can piss in the mouth of an essential worker because that's the goal.
And that's what Trump's thinking.
You can't say it, but Trump's going, like, when we can like backhand an essential worker again, oh, we're going to feel good.
Like, everybody's like, what's the thing?
Like, what are you going to do when you're at a quarantine?
What's the first thing you're going to do?
Backhanding Nurses After Quarantine00:02:09
Are you going to go to a restaurant?
You go to the beach.
The first thing I'm going to do is get in a fight with this bitch at Bristol Farms.
Get in a screaming match with her.
Go, you knew.
Don't roll your eyes to grab locks and the smoke sat.
They're different.
You knew it.
And she's going to be like, my, my little brother's dead from coronavirus.
And I'm just going to backhand.
And other people in the store are going to just give me a nod and we're all going to be back and we're all going to be dancing around and just fucking smacking, smacking people, throwing acid in the faces of nurses and going, get over here, you stupid bitch.
That's what I used to say to nurses.
I used to go to the doctor's office and when a nurse walked in, I'd say, get the doctor, you stupid bitch.
Now I can't because I might get coronavirus and I might have to be on a fucking tube or whatever they call it.
So I have to treat them with respect.
But what I used to do when the nurse walked in is I'd spit right in her face and go, get me the fucking doctor, you whore.
What are you, a stripper?
What are you, a stripper?
You're here to take your tits out?
I'm a faggot.
I don't even want that.
So whoever ordered you, you're in the wrong room.
Get the doctor, clown.
But I can't do that now.
But when we're able to do that, when we can go back to our old behaviors, if we can get on a bus, go right in a bus driver's face and go, you don't have the money.
What are you going to do?
That's when you know this great country, this country that I love you people think Satan's so involved in this country.
Satan would be embarrassed by this place.
Satan would run from this place.
Satan would go here and go.
It's the same reason that nobody, no big Hollywood person has offered to take this podcast and make it any better.
Because Satan would have the same view of this country and this world that the Hollywood people have about this podcast.
They look at it and they go, well, we really don't know what else we can do.