The Tim Dillon Show - 190: 190 - I Am Luxury
Aired: 2020-03-08
Duration: 01:16:31


=== Life Is Too Short To Hold It In (06:24) ===

[00:00:00]  Welcome to the Tim Dylan show, everybody.
[00:00:03]  We are here in week two of the pandemic.
[00:00:07]  I got diagnosed with strep throat the other day, and I thought I had the coronavirus.
[00:00:16]  And I thought, how funny would it be if the first case of the coronavirus in Los Angeles was a guy who had went on his podcast and said, I'm for the coronavirus.
[00:00:29]  I want the coronavirus.
[00:00:31]  And then the next day, I got diagnosed with it.
[00:00:37]  But it was only strep.
[00:00:39]  So I'm better now, sort of.
[00:00:43]  My voice is coming back.
[00:00:45]  I hadn't had strep throat since I was like 10.
[00:00:49]  That's something you get when you're 10 and you don't realize like being sick is fun when you're a kid.
[00:00:57]  It's fun for at least a few days.
[00:00:59]  You can sit at home.
[00:01:02]  You can watch movies.
[00:01:03]  Back then, we went to Blockbuster and I'd rent movies, get a bunch of movies, watch them over and over again.
[00:01:11]  My grandmother would make me French toast and grilled cheese.
[00:01:14]  Being sick was good.
[00:01:16]  But when you get older, you know, it's hell, you know, because there is no French toast and grilled cheese.
[00:01:23]  I mean, there's nobody's making you anything.
[00:01:25]  Nobody cares.
[00:01:27]  Even if you're in a relationship or something, they don't care.
[00:01:30]  They're at work.
[00:01:32]  Nobody has the time to, when you're sick, when you're older, give a fuck about you.
[00:01:39]  That was the whole thing.
[00:01:40]  Like when you were younger, people used to go, I'll shut down, or your grandparents didn't have to because they weren't working.
[00:01:48]  They were like, yo, just come here and you can be sick and we'll get you better and we feel bad for you and you want to get movies and what do you want to eat?
[00:01:57]  And, you know.
[00:01:59]  But strep man, when you're a kid, you don't, you have like a sore throat.
[00:02:04]  It sucks.
[00:02:06]  But when you're older and you have that strep throat, you just open your throat and you're staring at the back of your throat and you're like, there's a virus in me.
[00:02:17]  There's something in me.
[00:02:19]  I mean, it's hard to swallow.
[00:02:21]  And you go, eventually, this is what esophageal cancer feels like.
[00:02:27]  It's just every sickness when you're over 30 is just a rehearsal for the big one.
[00:02:33]  And you don't know which one that's going to be and you don't know when it's going to be.
[00:02:37]  But every mild discomfort you have is a rehearsal.
[00:02:42]  You know, every headache is a rehearsal for the tumor.
[00:02:45]  That's the way I think.
[00:02:47]  Every sore throat is a rehearsal for the cancerous polyp.
[00:02:52]  You don't know when it's coming, but you know it's coming.
[00:02:55]  It's a fact of life.
[00:02:57]  Every respiratory infection, every wheezing, especially if you're a smoker, it's preparing for when the doctor has you in the office.
[00:03:05]  They call you in that little office.
[00:03:06]  He goes, hey, here are the options.
[00:03:09]  What a sentence.
[00:03:11]  Here are the options.
[00:03:14]  You know, it's coming.
[00:03:19]  Uncle of mine just got diagnosed with throat cancer.
[00:03:22]  You know, great, great dude.
[00:03:23]  Didn't really smoke.
[00:03:24]  You know, had a butt occasionally, you know?
[00:03:27]  And so every sickness you get past a certain age, it's so funny.
[00:03:33]  It's one of the things in life that completely goes 180 degrees the other way.
[00:03:37]  Being sick as a kid's kind of like fun.
[00:03:40]  I mean, don't tweet at me and be like, it's not fun for Kayla who has leukemia.
[00:03:44]  I'm not talking about that.
[00:03:46]  I'm not saying that.
[00:03:48]  Please don't tweet at me.
[00:03:49]  It's not, you know who's uninsured?
[00:03:52]  Little magical.
[00:03:54]  All right.
[00:03:54]  I'm not saying that.
[00:03:57]  I'm saying when you're bullshit sick as a kid and you get out of school, it's fun.
[00:04:03]  But when you're an adult, it is not fun because you're just thinking about, okay, dodged a bullet.
[00:04:10]  Every doctor visit over the age of 30, you're dodging a bullet.
[00:04:16]  That's all.
[00:04:18]  Because we all know the stories now.
[00:04:20]  We all have enough stories now.
[00:04:25]  You collect them.
[00:04:26]  As you go through life.
[00:04:28]  In your teens, you have very few.
[00:04:31]  Yes, people die, but the why is very apparent.
[00:04:37]  They got in a car accident.
[00:04:38]  It was a DWI.
[00:04:40]  It was an overdose.
[00:04:41]  Somebody got shot.
[00:04:43]  It's very cut and dry as to why this happened.
[00:04:47]  And your 20s, it might get a little murkier, like, but you still kind of know.
[00:04:53]  You know, it's like, fuck, brain can't, it's so rare.
[00:04:56]  And your 30s, people die, and you just go, that's something.
[00:05:01]  Something.
[00:05:03]  Something not good.
[00:05:05]  Just these things start to happen.
[00:05:07]  As you get older, every decade, it gets a little bit less surprising.
[00:05:10]  You know, 40s is a decade of like, yeah, the guy just had a heart attack at Runyon.
[00:05:14]  Hit his head.
[00:05:15]  Hit his head on a rock.
[00:05:16]  Heart attack didn't kill him, but hitting the head on a rock did.
[00:05:18]  My friend told me that story the other day.
[00:05:20]  40-year-old.
[00:05:22]  Guy got a two-year-old daughter.
[00:05:23]  Just, you know, out, done.
[00:05:25]  Heart attack, head on a rock.
[00:05:27]  Didn't die from the heart attack.
[00:05:28]  Died from the hitting the head on the rock every running.
[00:05:31]  You know, like two people in Runyon Canyon die every week?
[00:05:34]  Yeah.
[00:05:34]  People don't talk about it.
[00:05:36]  So I'm not trying to make you in hypochondriacs.
[00:05:39]  I'm just saying that life is too short to not be hateful.
[00:05:48]  You know what I mean?
[00:05:51]  People don't understand.
[00:05:53]  Life is too short to hold it in, the bile, the bile that courses through your veins like that goo that ran through the sewers, Ghostbusters 2.
[00:06:04]  It's too short.
[00:06:05]  You got to let it out.
[00:06:06]  You got to have a group of friends where you can let it out.
[00:06:10]  You have to hate the right people for the right reasons.
[00:06:12]  You got to hate the right things.
[00:06:13]  That's why hopefully you listen to the program.
[00:06:15]  Because I do a lot to help direct your anger into the right places where it should go, where it's productive.
[00:06:22]  But life is just too short.

=== Urgent Care And The Pandemic Test (04:26) ===

[00:06:24]  You're going to go.
[00:06:25]  It's coming.
[00:06:26]  It's going to happen sooner than you think.
[00:06:29]  And, you know, so spend your time on this planet airing out your grievances.
[00:06:35]  I'm telling you, you're going to regret it.
[00:06:38]  Spend time on the planet letting people at the hotel front desk know the shower is not as warm as you would like.
[00:06:45]  In fact, you'd like it hot.
[00:06:47]  And it's not what you consider hot.
[00:06:50]  Have the engineer go in there and check the room.
[00:06:53]  You only get so long on this planet.
[00:06:57]  Let the waiter or waitress know exactly what you think of the club sandwich.
[00:07:01]  If the bacon wasn't crispy enough, let them know.
[00:07:05]  Don't hold it in.
[00:07:07]  That, when you hold it in, that becomes cancer.
[00:07:11]  Let it out.
[00:07:14]  Let it out.
[00:07:15]  I'm telling you.
[00:07:17]  I went to the urgent care to get diagnosed.
[00:07:22]  So urgent care is quick.
[00:07:23]  You're in and out.
[00:07:24]  Boom, boom, boom.
[00:07:26]  It's what I'm into.
[00:07:27]  I like the urgent care because I feel like if I go to like a real doctor, I'm going to die because they're going to really look at me and they'll really figure out what's going on.
[00:07:37]  And it's the last thing I want.
[00:07:38]  So urgent care is quick.
[00:07:40]  I don't think any of them are real doctors.
[00:07:42]  They're all like UCB improv kids that are pretending to be doctors.
[00:07:45]  The urgent in urgent care is that they urgently want you out of the office.
[00:07:50]  It's like a five-second diagnosis in an urgent care.
[00:07:53]  They're like, hey, what's up?
[00:07:54]  You're like, I'm bleeding.
[00:07:55]  They're like, yes, queen.
[00:07:56]  Here's a script and go.
[00:07:59]  And now that we're in LA, you know, and the ticket sales, by the way, slowing down a little bit because of the coronavirus.
[00:08:07]  So I don't want the half in, half out.
[00:08:10]  And I talked to Ben about this, you know, we're either going to sell these shows out, we're going to rock out, we're not going to give a fuck, or we're just going to, we'll stay in the fucking, you know, in the bunker.
[00:08:19]  But I'm not interested in like half full theaters of people coughing.
[00:08:24]  I want all in or all out.
[00:08:26]  Like people are like, oh, the last episode, you were saying you want a pandemic.
[00:08:30]  I'm like, here's what I want.
[00:08:32]  I want it.
[00:08:33]  We're in or out.
[00:08:35]  I don't want anyone losing money.
[00:08:36]  But if we are, me and Ben have spoken about, listen, then we're all just going to stay in for a little while.
[00:08:43]  That's all.
[00:08:44]  That's what I was trying to say.
[00:08:46]  I'd rather not.
[00:08:47]  I'd rather not people lose money out there, you know?
[00:08:50]  But I don't want a halfway thing where it's mostly hysteria and everybody's losing money for no goddamn reason.
[00:09:04]  But we're in the urgent care.
[00:09:05]  And now the urgent care's job is to just tell everyone going to the urgent care that they can't test for coronavirus.
[00:09:11]  The whole urgent care goes, listen, if you're concerned about coronavirus, you have to go to the ER.
[00:09:18]  We do not have the means to test you here.
[00:09:22]  So literally, people walk in and they're like, hey, I want to be tested for corona.
[00:09:29]  And by the way, people with no symptoms because no one cares.
[00:09:33]  These people have no symptoms.
[00:09:34]  They just simply want to get tested.
[00:09:36]  They go, I just want to be sure.
[00:09:39]  I'm like, what?
[00:09:41]  So you have those idiots go in.
[00:09:42]  So I go in.
[00:09:42]  I go in Monday morning.
[00:09:44]  And Monday morning, my throat, I can barely swallow.
[00:09:49]  Pain.
[00:09:50]  I mean, bad.
[00:09:51]  My tonsils are huge.
[00:09:54]  Feels like I have an abscess in my throat.
[00:09:56]  And it's like, you're like, fuck.
[00:10:00]  So I walk in Monday and I go, hey.
[00:10:04]  They go, okay.
[00:10:05]  They go, have you traveled out of the country recently?
[00:10:07]  I'm like, I went to Vancouver a few weeks ago.
[00:10:12]  Doctor goes, okay.
[00:10:14]  And then I went, like, I wasn't even thinking.
[00:10:15]  I went to the doctor.
[00:10:16]  I was like, a lot of Asians, though.
[00:10:19]  And she like pretended not to hear it.
[00:10:22]  She like ignored it.
[00:10:22]  She was still looking at the chart.
[00:10:24]  Like I was trying to balance because I, you know, I was like, yeah, Vancouver a few weeks ago.
[00:10:29]  She'd probably like, yeah, that wasn't okay.
[00:10:31]  But I'm like, hey, but I want to be honest, a lot of Asians over there.
[00:10:37]  Again, not being a racist, trying to get all the medical information to be accurate.
[00:10:43]  I want, you know.
[00:10:47]  And she's like, listen, it looks like your strep test is positive.

=== Elizabeth Warren And The Establishment (09:57) ===

[00:10:51]  And I was like, fuck yeah.
[00:10:53]  Thank God.
[00:10:55]  I was like, that's good, right?
[00:10:57]  She goes, yeah, I guess.
[00:10:59]  I go, yeah, it is.
[00:11:01]  You know?
[00:11:02]  So then they give you a steroid shot in your ass.
[00:11:04]  I don't even know what that does.
[00:11:05]  It's supposed to calm your fucking, you know, I don't know what it's supposed to do.
[00:11:10]  But I guess steroids, you know, they're supposed to help.
[00:11:16]  I think it boosts your immune system.
[00:11:18]  Right.
[00:11:19]  Whatever.
[00:11:20]  You still feel like shit.
[00:11:21]  Right.
[00:11:22]  Maybe they weren't the right steroids.
[00:11:23]  There's also an urgent care.
[00:11:24]  They could have pretended to do it.
[00:11:25]  They could have just pricked me with a pin and not done anything.
[00:11:29]  They're probably just giving fake steroid shots.
[00:11:33]  So I go to CVS and my throat is like just, you know, and I'm coughing a little bit because you can't really swallow in the water.
[00:11:41]  It's like your water's almost aspirating out of your mouth.
[00:11:43]  It's horrible.
[00:11:43]  And then everyone at CVS is looking at you.
[00:11:46]  You know, me and Ben just had lunch at the Beverly Hills Hotel and I was coughing at the table and everybody's looking at you like, fuck.
[00:11:51]  Is this the guy?
[00:11:52]  Is this patient zero?
[00:11:54]  Is this the guy who brings it to L.A.?
[00:11:56]  Is this the guy that brings it to the Beverly Hills Hotel?
[00:12:00]  This motherfucker right now.
[00:12:03]  See the guy?
[00:12:05]  And I'm just, there's a table next to us talking about Elizabeth Warren, and I'm just sitting there going, and they're just, these women are just staring at me, you know, staring at me, their eyes judgmental behind their $400 sunglasses.
[00:12:24]  Talking about Elizabeth Warren.
[00:12:27]  I'm a fan of Liz.
[00:12:29]  And another thing, stop going on Twitter and telling people, well, I supported Liz, and now I'm supporting Bernie.
[00:12:37]  Yeah, obviously.
[00:12:39]  That's an odd, guys.
[00:12:42]  We get it, you self-important fucking, we get it, you self-indulgent pieces of shit.
[00:12:50]  It absolutely logically follows that you'd go from Liz to Bernie.
[00:12:54]  We get it.
[00:12:55]  There's no fucking explanation needed.
[00:12:58]  Keep your 280 follower mouth shut.
[00:13:03]  No one needs your 10-point plan as to why you're switching from Bernie to fucking Elizabeth Warren.
[00:13:11]  Shut up.
[00:13:13]  It's if you're going from Warren to Trump, that's fun.
[00:13:19]  That's fun, and I want to hear it.
[00:13:21]  And I want to see a Twitter thread.
[00:13:23]  I want to see a Twitter thread of a woman who goes, I supported Elizabeth Warren.
[00:13:28]  I'm proud of the work she's done.
[00:13:30]  But now that she's out of the race, I'll be switching my support 100% completely to Donald Trump, to Donald J. Trump.
[00:13:38]  That's a good thread.
[00:13:40]  That's worth our fucking time.
[00:13:43]  Tell us why you're going to Trump now.
[00:13:46]  That would be fun.
[00:13:48]  Not Warren to Bernie.
[00:13:50]  We get, of course, we get it.
[00:13:54]  I just think that Liz did a great job, but because of sexism and because I just, and I'm going to support Bernie right now because I feel like he is the candidate with the bet.
[00:14:08]  No, I want to hear, I supported Liz, but I'm now supporting Donald Trump.
[00:14:15]  I'm supporting Donald J. Trump because I believe in our strong economy, strong borders.
[00:14:22]  That's a fun turn to make.
[00:14:27]  I don't know.
[00:14:27]  Is Bernie fucked?
[00:14:30]  Here's what I would say.
[00:14:35]  People have accused me.
[00:14:36]  They're like, oh, Tim Dylan is ironically trying to be a Bernie bro, and now he's, there's nothing about, I'm not a Bernie bro at all.
[00:14:41]  I like Bernie.
[00:14:42]  I would probably vote for Bernie because he's the anti-establishment candidate.
[00:14:47]  That being said, there's some things I don't agree with him on.
[00:14:51]  And I don't know really what his platform would be in the general election, but a lot of it I would agree with, you know?
[00:14:57]  Like people not having to sell their blood plasma.
[00:15:00]  That would be one.
[00:15:02]  That would be one.
[00:15:03]  That would be a strong agreement I have with Bernie Sanders that people shouldn't have to sell their blood to live in this country.
[00:15:13]  That's all.
[00:15:15]  I mean, again, I know that makes me some type of Hollywood sellout and chill.
[00:15:22]  That's my favorite thing.
[00:15:23]  They're like, Tim Dylan's a chill for Hollywood.
[00:15:26]  And I'm like, yeah, because Bernie Sanders is what Hollywood wants.
[00:15:30]  There's not, nobody wants that guy.
[00:15:34]  I'm telling you right now, nobody behind the wheel of a Range Rover wants this dude.
[00:15:41]  I'm telling you, nobody in Hollywood, nobody on Wall Street, nobody in Palo Alto.
[00:15:47]  Everybody wants somebody else.
[00:15:48]  He's the only guy that really throws a scare into people with money.
[00:15:55]  Trump doesn't stop, stop.
[00:15:59]  I'm not saying Trump isn't at war with other parts of the establishment.
[00:16:02]  He is political establishment, 100%.
[00:16:06]  But Trump does not bother rich people other than aesthetically.
[00:16:13]  Like they don't like how vulgar he is and how crass he is.
[00:16:17]  But he's not fucking with them.
[00:16:19]  He said he was going to eliminate that carried interest loophole.
[00:16:22]  He didn't do it.
[00:16:23]  He said he was going to reign Wall Street and I mean, he's done the opposite.
[00:16:27]  And listen, the economy's good.
[00:16:29]  It's good right now.
[00:16:29]  Wages aren't up.
[00:16:31]  If you don't have insurance, you're still fucked.
[00:16:34]  That's my thing.
[00:16:36]  I'm like, listen, my friend's mother got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
[00:16:40]  I mean, this is a woman that I considered defacing her grave last week, but I will now use her to make a point.
[00:16:47]  But I only considered it briefly, and I don't even know how much money that would cost.
[00:16:51]  And I was just going to write Trump 2020 on the grave so that other people, I just think it's funny to make a grave a Trump supporter.
[00:16:57]  I think it's hilarious to go to someone's grave and put Trump 2020 all over their grave.
[00:17:03]  Like, just put all kinds of, I think that's funny.
[00:17:07]  This woman fought pancreatic cancer for 10 years and lived and, you know, inspired like walks and all this stuff.
[00:17:15]  But like during that time, went into deep debt, you know, mortgaging the house over and over, had to declare bankruptcy, you know, eventually taking the phone off the hook, dodging creditors and stuff.
[00:17:26]  And you're like, she felt guilty that she was still alive.
[00:17:29]  She's like, I feel guilty of saddling my husband with this kind of debt.
[00:17:32]  I'm alive.
[00:17:33]  You know, what kind of system is that?
[00:17:38]  You know, and the Republican answer to that really is who cares?
[00:17:42]  I mean, that's really who cares?
[00:17:44]  That's the Republican answer to that is we don't care.
[00:17:48]  That's truly what it is.
[00:17:50]  If there's a God, God's going to figure it out.
[00:17:54]  We care about aborted fetuses.
[00:17:57]  We mention them all the time.
[00:17:59]  We keep track of how many they are, you know, how many aborted fetuses.
[00:18:04]  And then the Republicans are like, do you know how many aborted black fetuses there are?
[00:18:07]  Because Republicans love black babies.
[00:18:10]  You didn't know that.
[00:18:12]  I didn't know that either.
[00:18:13]  They adore black children.
[00:18:15]  They love them, especially when they get to be teenagers.
[00:18:19]  So Republicans want more black kids around.
[00:18:21]  I didn't know that.
[00:18:23]  But having gone on Twitter and read about aborted fetuses and how many of them were black and that Republicans adore black people.
[00:18:34]  That was funny, too.
[00:18:35]  It's like, you know, during the whole immigration argument, they're like, immigrants come to this country, they take jobs from African Americans.
[00:18:42]  It's like, this is the angle now?
[00:18:45]  They're like, how are these African Americans going to make a living?
[00:18:48]  It's like, remember when you were flooding their communities with cocaine so you could sell weapons to the Contras?
[00:18:54]  Remember that not too long ago?
[00:18:57]  Remember all that stuff?
[00:19:04]  But, you know, I just don't understand how you can, I understand being pro-life.
[00:19:12]  I'm with, hey, if that's your conviction, good for you.
[00:19:18]  I don't understand being really pro-life and then hearing a story like the one that I just told and going, nah, you know, we'll let the market figure it out.
[00:19:31]  We'll let the market figure out at what point this woman should disconnect her phone while she's fighting for her life, trying to be a mother and a wife, fighting for her life.
[00:19:42]  We'll just, you know, hey, is that even political anymore?
[00:19:47]  I mean, honestly, is that even a political question?
[00:19:50]  Like, I don't even understand if that's a political question, that that system is fucked.
[00:20:01]  And the answer to that on the Republican side is, well, you know.
[00:20:08]  And they'll go into this long explanation about why everything's fine.
[00:20:12]  And you're like, okay, but what are we going to do now?
[00:20:17]  You know, but we need a trillion dollars for the Pentagon.
[00:20:20]  We need a trillion dollars for the Pentagon.
[00:20:23]  We need a trillion dollars to nonstop build the future weapon systems.
[00:20:31]  We need that.
[00:20:32]  We need to be in a forever, forever and ever and ever, our civilization should only dedicate its resources to building ways to deliver death to the poorest people in the world.

=== Smart Conservatives Need A Trillion Dollars (03:59) ===

[00:20:48]  That's what we should do.
[00:20:51]  Every innovation we have should be about trying to find another way to kill mass amounts of people.
[00:21:03]  You know, I mean, we need a trillion for that.
[00:21:08]  I don't know if you can, we can give any money to you, you and your pancreatic cancer.
[00:21:15]  You're a big bummer.
[00:21:17]  Big bummer.
[00:21:19]  But we like, but I love that the idea is like that somehow I've gone Hollywood.
[00:21:24]  I hate the left.
[00:21:26]  I don't, I'm not a Marxist.
[00:21:28]  I hate identity politics.
[00:21:30]  I think the corporate left is particularly disgusting.
[00:21:34]  I think there's some smart thinkers on the left.
[00:21:36]  There's some smart thinkers on the right, too.
[00:21:39]  People are like one guy on the Patreon, which I'm not even going to read anymore, but one guy goes, you can't think Bernie Sanders has anything valuable to say and quote Thomas Sowell.
[00:21:49]  It's like, you can.
[00:21:50]  You absolutely can.
[00:21:52]  Absolutely can.
[00:21:53]  Thomas Sowell might hate everything Bernie Sanders has to say.
[00:21:57]  That doesn't mean that Bernie Sanders and Thomas Sowell don't have some overlap there.
[00:22:02]  There probably is.
[00:22:05]  The solutions are probably different.
[00:22:07]  But again, it's like the reason that you don't have a podcast and that no one listens to you and no one cares about what you say is because you are a person that can't fathom that you haven't figured it all out.
[00:22:23]  That's really what it comes down to.
[00:22:25]  Out there, wherever you live, and I'm sure it's great, but wherever you happen to be, you don't like that there's somebody out there that might add to the dialogue and it might not line up with everything that you figured out in your life, in your life of learning and acquiring all the knowledge that you've acquired.
[00:22:53]  I don't know how.
[00:22:55]  I imagine most of it through podcasts and cable news because you're a smart guy and you know that everybody that thinks to the left of you is wrong about everything and there's no way that any of them are right.
[00:23:15]  Thank you.
[00:23:16]  I have such smart listeners.
[00:23:18]  I forget sometimes how intelligent my listeners are and how lucky I am to have them.
[00:23:24]  I'm so lucky to have so many smart people.
[00:23:29]  Like when I have somebody on the Patreon they disagree with, then they go, oh, there's a lot of smart conservatives.
[00:23:34]  Oh, you should add a smarter conservative on.
[00:23:37]  Really?
[00:23:38]  So that's what you wanted.
[00:23:40]  You wanted a smarter version of the thing you hated.
[00:23:44]  You wanted a more effective version of what you hated.
[00:23:51]  Okay, we'll find one.
[00:23:54]  You know, we'll find one for you.
[00:23:56]  That's my favorite thing.
[00:23:57]  You're like, dude, this episode sucked.
[00:24:00]  I hated this guy.
[00:24:02]  I can't believe you had him on.
[00:24:03]  And next time, find a version of him that's smarter.
[00:24:08]  What?
[00:24:10]  I want to be more enraged.
[00:24:15]  Thank you all.
[00:24:16]  You know, the idea that you can't hold different ideas in your head at once.
[00:24:21]  Like, I think this woman should have been given health care, but I also considered defasing her grave.
[00:24:26]  These are two ideas that were held in my head simultaneously.
[00:24:30]  You know, I don't know the best way to do it.
[00:24:34]  I don't know if getting rid of the private health insurance is completely the way to do it.
[00:24:41]  I think Medicare for all is probably the direction we need to move in as a country.

=== Running For President Amidst Party Chaos (14:44) ===

[00:24:48]  100%.
[00:24:51]  How you move in that direction, we'll see.
[00:24:54]  I don't know.
[00:24:55]  But Bernie's the only guy.
[00:24:57]  If you're a student of history and even not history, of fucking the present, which takes a lot less, just be a student of the present.
[00:25:07]  Understand what's happening in front of you.
[00:25:09]  Bernie's the only guy they're scared of.
[00:25:11]  They're scared of him.
[00:25:13]  Not even the Republicans, his own party.
[00:25:15]  The Republicans are probably scared of him too.
[00:25:17]  But his own party is frightened of him.
[00:25:20]  You know, Khloe Buchar, Pete Budigej dropping out, both endorsing Biden right before the South Carolina primary is as close as you get to a maneuver, a manufactured set of circumstances to boost Biden.
[00:25:36]  Warren's staying in, by the way.
[00:25:38]  All of these things boost one candidate.
[00:25:42]  Yes, Bernie didn't connect with black people.
[00:25:44]  He didn't connect with older women, older voters.
[00:25:48]  But that being said, one of the reasons that Biden got a groundswell of support was because this race had a lot of different people in it up until the fucking night before when two of them said, by the way, vote Biden.
[00:26:02]  Vote for Joe.
[00:26:03]  And that got him more momentum.
[00:26:07]  Now, that doesn't mean that Sanders people don't have work to do with young people.
[00:26:11]  A lot of young people didn't show up.
[00:26:14]  He, you know, I think he went a little too hard at Obama.
[00:26:18]  And I think that's why a lot of the African-American Democrats, that's a sizable, you know, group there.
[00:26:27]  It's a sizable, I forget the word, but it's just like a sizable part of their coalition.
[00:26:35]  The Democrats have always, you know, I forget the, I forget the word.
[00:26:41]  I know everyone on Twitter is going to be like, I know the word.
[00:26:43]  I know a word, you know.
[00:26:46]  What is it?
[00:26:46]  Contingency?
[00:26:47]  What is like, when you're, it's an interest group within the party.
[00:26:51]  I'm trying to think of the word, the word, like they're a, they're important, like women are an important blank of the Democrats.
[00:27:00]  They're important.
[00:27:01]  I don't know.
[00:27:03]  I know what you're trying to say, but I can't use the word either.
[00:27:06]  So, you know, maybe Sanders is fucked.
[00:27:08]  Maybe you're going to have Joe Biden whose brain is broken, whose brain is melted, who can barely string words together, who's very creepy with women and children.
[00:27:17]  He's a creepy guy.
[00:27:19]  You're going to run him.
[00:27:20]  You're going to run a guy who's a Washington insider, who's hopelessly corrupt, whose son is working.
[00:27:25]  Everybody in Washington's son works for the same Ukrainian energy company, by the way.
[00:27:29]  Isn't that fun?
[00:27:30]  You're going to run a corrupt guy with dementia.
[00:27:36]  So if he does remember what he says, it's going to be a lie.
[00:27:39]  It'll be corrupt because he's, you know, you're running him against Trump.
[00:27:44]  Now, Trump is another guy who's a liar.
[00:27:48]  I don't know.
[00:27:48]  People are saying that he's in some stage of mental decline.
[00:27:51]  He's doing a lot better than Joe Biden.
[00:27:53]  Maybe he is crushing Adderall and sorting it.
[00:27:55]  I don't know, but he's doing a lot better than Joe Biden.
[00:27:58]  He's much better than Joe Biden.
[00:28:01]  I don't know what to tell you.
[00:28:02]  Just old guy versus old guy.
[00:28:07]  You go with Trump in terms of cognitive abilities.
[00:28:10]  Easily, easily you go with Trump.
[00:28:13]  You go, fuck yeah.
[00:28:15]  You go, that guy is entertaining.
[00:28:17]  I mean, Joe Biden was not a vice president that anyone truly gave a fuck about.
[00:28:28]  He was just there.
[00:28:32]  He was making gaffes in the primary.
[00:28:38]  Said Obama's the first nice, clean black guy that ran for president.
[00:28:41]  Like, these are the things he was saying in the primary.
[00:28:46]  I mean, the Trump versus Biden debate will be the debate when we go, we don't need a country anymore.
[00:28:51]  It'll be so embarrassing.
[00:28:53]  We will call China like a kid at a sleepover that's not working out, calls his parents, and we'll be like, come now.
[00:29:00]  Don't wait.
[00:29:01]  Get in the car.
[00:29:02]  I'm ready now.
[00:29:03]  We're ready.
[00:29:03]  Let's go.
[00:29:04]  Let's get out of here.
[00:29:05]  We don't care how many bat flus you got.
[00:29:09]  Just come and run this thing, please.
[00:29:12]  One thing you guys know how to do is run something efficiently, you know?
[00:29:16]  There's something likable about Biden because he's just so out of it.
[00:29:21]  Yeah.
[00:29:21]  You know what I mean?
[00:29:22]  What did he say last debate?
[00:29:24]  He's like, Tommy, come lately.
[00:29:26]  No one knows.
[00:29:27]  Calls everybody Jack and Chuck.
[00:29:29]  Yeah.
[00:29:30]  He's out of it.
[00:29:31]  He's an old man.
[00:29:33]  This is late 70s, you know?
[00:29:35]  Yeah.
[00:29:35]  Should be put out to pasture.
[00:29:36]  He's about to be the president.
[00:29:38]  He's running to be the president of the United States.
[00:29:42]  The guy should be walking around, you know, the edge of his property, kind of muttering to himself.
[00:29:48]  Yeah.
[00:29:49]  Come on in, dad.
[00:29:50]  It's dinner time.
[00:29:51]  That's the stage of life he should be at.
[00:29:54]  He's going to be the president?
[00:29:56]  Whoa.
[00:29:58]  But get a Ridge Wallet.
[00:29:59]  Ridge.com/slash Tim.
[00:30:01]  T-I-M.
[00:30:03]  Do you like that Ridge?
[00:30:04]  Do you like that Ridge?
[00:30:06]  I have a beat prepared.
[00:30:07]  Do you want to?
[00:30:08]  Do you really?
[00:30:08]  Oh, yeah, you do?
[00:30:09]  Yeah, here we go.
[00:30:12]  Wow.
[00:30:13]  Yo, Ridge Wallet.
[00:30:17]  Are you using an old leather wallet?
[00:30:21]  Just stop it.
[00:30:22]  Jussie Smollett, faker, liar, get the new Ridge.
[00:30:28]  That shit is fire.
[00:30:31]  Stop talking about white genocide in South Africa.
[00:30:35]  It might be an issue, but I don't know.
[00:30:38]  It also might be a hysteria.
[00:30:43]  Woohan.
[00:30:44]  Is it a bioweapon?
[00:30:46]  Maybe.
[00:30:47]  But stop your fucking schlepping and get a Ridge Wallet.
[00:30:52]  9-11 didn't happen.
[00:30:54]  The towers are still there.
[00:30:58]  Thank you.
[00:31:02]  The towers are still there.
[00:31:06]  Ridgewallet.com/slash Tim.
[00:31:10]  What's very funny?
[00:31:11]  It's very comedic what we do here.
[00:31:13]  Many other podcasts are not funny and they do better than us, but they're not funny.
[00:31:18]  It's very interesting.
[00:31:19]  If you're a comic and you're not funny, you have a real chance of making it.
[00:31:23]  Like if your comedy is for like, it's just, it's amazing to me.
[00:31:28]  It just, if you don't have anything funny to say, this might be the job for you.
[00:31:33]  Yeah.
[00:31:35]  Truly, like when somebody tells me they're a comic now and I'm like, this guy's not funny.
[00:31:38]  I'm like, you're going to do well.
[00:31:40]  You're going to do very well.
[00:31:43]  You're going to do very well.
[00:31:45]  You have nothing funny to say.
[00:31:48]  It's going to happen.
[00:31:50]  Gonna happen for you.
[00:31:51]  Ridgewallet.com slash Tim.
[00:31:53]  Goodbye.
[00:31:56]  There's nothing like it could.
[00:31:57]  I just, I just, I'm having the apartment.
[00:32:00]  I live in detox from the strep germs and chemicals.
[00:32:03]  And we're having, you know, maids come in and, you know, having all the bedding taken out.
[00:32:07]  And so I'm in a hotel for a few days.
[00:32:09]  There's nothing better than a nice hotel.
[00:32:12]  There really isn't.
[00:32:15]  And I learned that from my mother.
[00:32:17]  My mother loved hotels.
[00:32:19]  People that really love hotels hate their lives because that's what a hotel is.
[00:32:24]  It's a break from your life.
[00:32:26]  It's like, let's get away from your father.
[00:32:29]  Let's just get out.
[00:32:31]  Oh, another swim meet.
[00:32:32]  Great.
[00:32:33]  And we get to stay in a hotel.
[00:32:35]  It's just far enough away where we can stay in a Marriott and have the breakfast buffet.
[00:32:42]  And I don't have to look at this guy that I married.
[00:32:45]  And I don't have to sit in my house.
[00:32:47]  I don't have to sit in my loveless home.
[00:32:50]  If you really love hotels, like, you know, you just, you hate your life.
[00:32:54]  You look around at the four walls you live in and you go, huh.
[00:32:57]  But a hotel is nice.
[00:32:58]  It's a nice change of pace.
[00:33:00]  It's a nice pretend.
[00:33:02]  And I remember that my mother loved when we, when I found out that the swim meet was far enough away where we couldn't drive home the next day.
[00:33:11]  And my dad wasn't the dad from Forest Gump.
[00:33:13]  Like he wasn't raping us and drinking on the couch.
[00:33:16]  They just hated each other.
[00:33:17]  They just didn't like each other, right?
[00:33:19]  They didn't like each other after a while.
[00:33:21]  There was just nothing to like.
[00:33:23]  After a while, you hit a wall.
[00:33:25]  You just hit a wall.
[00:33:26]  And you got to find, then you got to find a partnership that makes sense.
[00:33:30]  And then most of it is like, raise the kids.
[00:33:31]  Let's raise the kids.
[00:33:33]  Some of it's like, let's make money.
[00:33:35]  You know, we see like a husband and wife realtor team in the suburbs.
[00:33:39]  They hate each other.
[00:33:40]  They're just trying to do something so that they don't have to hate each other.
[00:33:47]  And God bless them.
[00:33:48]  It works, maybe.
[00:33:48]  I don't know.
[00:33:49]  My parents weren't fucking realtors.
[00:33:51]  I'll tell you that much.
[00:33:52]  Poor fucks.
[00:33:53]  But every now and then we could get away.
[00:33:58]  Go to a hotel.
[00:34:00]  Be away from our lives, from our home.
[00:34:06]  Be away from all of the things that make you cry, that make you sad.
[00:34:12]  You check into a hotel, you're a different person.
[00:34:15]  You're a guest.
[00:34:16]  You're somebody's guest.
[00:34:18]  I am a guest here.
[00:34:21]  This situation is impermanent, but it's beautiful.
[00:34:26]  You clean up the room.
[00:34:28]  You clean up after me.
[00:34:30]  You bring me food in my bed.
[00:34:33]  I can eat my bed if I want because I'm a guest.
[00:34:37]  Things are special.
[00:34:40]  Makes you feel like when you were a kid and you were sick and you left school and your grandmother came and got you and said, what do you let's hit blockbuster on the way home?
[00:34:48]  Let's get you what you want to eat.
[00:34:50]  You're a guest.
[00:34:51]  This doesn't happen all the time.
[00:34:54]  You're sick.
[00:34:56]  You've earned this treat.
[00:35:00]  Go get a little fucking, go get little Roy Rogers.
[00:35:05]  Little Roy Rogers.
[00:35:07]  Back to the future.
[00:35:09]  Whatever you were watching at that time in your life.
[00:35:13]  You know?
[00:35:16]  And it was something nice.
[00:35:17]  And that's the way I feel in a hotel.
[00:35:19]  I check in and I want to let them know.
[00:35:22]  I want to let, as soon as I check into a hotel, I want to let them know I'm going to be a problem.
[00:35:30]  That's the first, the first thing I do when I check into a hotel is alert them to the fact that today you're going to work today.
[00:35:42]  You're going to go to work today.
[00:35:45]  I know that a lot of you are young and hot, and you think the service industry is for young, hot people, and you see celebrities here, and occasionally you take a shot with them, and maybe they take you in the room and fuck you or whatever.
[00:35:57]  You think it's cool.
[00:35:57]  You think it's cool.
[00:35:58]  Well, let me tell you, that all ends right now because it's work.
[00:36:03]  It's work today.
[00:36:05]  I've arrived.
[00:36:09]  First thing we do, let's talk about the room.
[00:36:11]  Where am I going?
[00:36:12]  Yes, I booked third party.
[00:36:14]  Yes, I booked third party.
[00:36:16]  Stop yelling that out like I give a shit.
[00:36:21]  I am a proud member of the American people.
[00:36:25]  Okay?
[00:36:25]  I have privileges you don't even know about.
[00:36:29]  I have pretend privileges that are unearned that I will fucking trot out in front of you.
[00:36:35]  Yes, I booked your hotel tonight.
[00:36:38]  Yes.
[00:36:40]  It doesn't matter.
[00:36:41]  I'm still going to lie.
[00:36:42]  And I have an assistant that booked the room.
[00:36:47]  I said, you booked third party through hotel tonight.
[00:36:49]  And I go, oh, did she?
[00:36:51]  Oh, did she?
[00:36:52]  My assistant handles this.
[00:36:55]  I pick a nicer hotel and then I usually say, I go, oh, I'm, oh, this isn't the Beverly Hills Hotel.
[00:37:03]  Where's this?
[00:37:04]  Oh, oh, I guess this will be okay.
[00:37:10]  I walk into the hotel.
[00:37:12]  I look around and I'm horrified.
[00:37:15]  No matter how palatial and beautiful it is, I'm kind of off.
[00:37:19]  I'm like confused.
[00:37:20]  I'm confused.
[00:37:21]  I go to check in.
[00:37:22]  I go, I don't know.
[00:37:24]  What's happening?
[00:37:26]  I try to get my assistant on the phone, which is very tough because I do not have one.
[00:37:31]  I try to get my assistant on the phone.
[00:37:33]  There's a problem with the room.
[00:37:34]  Is the room not a suite?
[00:37:35]  Is the room not hold on?
[00:37:39]  Hold on.
[00:37:41]  That Asian couple will be fine.
[00:37:44]  You get to them in a minute.
[00:37:45]  They're quiet people.
[00:37:46]  They will wait.
[00:37:48]  They're quiet, respectful people.
[00:37:49]  That's why they're running the world.
[00:37:51]  They will wait.
[00:37:52]  Allow me this moment.
[00:37:56]  So explain to me that the room's not a suite.
[00:37:58]  When the room is a suite, I go, explain to me what it is.
[00:38:01]  What is the room?
[00:38:02]  It's a bed like a shelter.
[00:38:05]  Is it quarantine?
[00:38:07]  Is it Wuhan quarantine?
[00:38:10]  Yes, gay guy, thin gay guy who thinks he's the shit.
[00:38:13]  You're at work today.
[00:38:15]  You're at work today.
[00:38:17]  I apologize.
[00:38:18]  Okay?
[00:38:20]  I'd like to be on cocaine sucking everyone's cock too.
[00:38:23]  But guess what?
[00:38:24]  We got to work.
[00:38:27]  So the first thing I do is we let them know.
[00:38:31]  Room service is what, 24 hours?
[00:38:33]  Is it a full menu?
[00:38:35]  Can I get the restaurant food delivered to my room or am I going to have to go with that in-house dining menu?
[00:38:41]  That in-house dining menu.
[00:38:44]  Or will you bring me up your restaurant food to my room?
[00:38:49]  Already they start to kind of like, they're like, yeah, we should be able to work something out.
[00:38:55]  Okay.
[00:38:56]  What floor am I on?
[00:38:58]  Two?
[00:38:59]  I'm on floor two right now, but I got a better, I got a better room.
[00:39:02]  That's why I took floor two.
[00:39:03]  But usually if they give me a low floor, I go, I'm sorry.
[00:39:09]  Do you even, you have rooms on those floors?
[00:39:11]  You have guest rooms?
[00:39:12]  That's not some type of, is that not like an underground garbage facility that the hotel uses?
[00:39:18]  Do you actually have a room on?
[00:39:21]  Press them.
[00:39:24]  I like to call, I like to call up.
[00:39:27]  As soon as I get in a room, I like to call the front desk and I go, hi, am I in the wrong room?

=== Checking If I Am In The Wrong Room (02:13) ===

[00:39:33]  Oh, no.
[00:39:33]  Oh, this is it.
[00:39:35]  I go, this is it?
[00:39:37]  Then you go like this.
[00:39:38]  You go, no, no, it's fine.
[00:39:40]  Okay.
[00:39:41]  Yeah, it's hey, hey, it's fine.
[00:39:45]  I'll make do.
[00:39:46]  That's a great one.
[00:39:47]  I go, I'll make do.
[00:39:48]  I'll make do.
[00:39:50]  Then I call, I call about five minutes later.
[00:39:52]  I go, you know, the water in the shower isn't hot.
[00:39:56]  I like to steam in the shower a little bit.
[00:39:59]  I also would like a seat in the shower, like a marble ledge I can sit on and steam.
[00:40:04]  I like to, after the shower, I like to spend 20 minutes just with the water running really hot because of climate change and then breathe in the vapor of the shower.
[00:40:12]  It opens me up because I speak for a living.
[00:40:14]  Is that any way we can do that?
[00:40:16]  I don't think we can find a seat for me in the shower.
[00:40:19]  I don't love the water.
[00:40:21]  I notice a little orange under one of the seats in my rooms.
[00:40:24]  I called up.
[00:40:24]  I said, no, there's an errant piece of fruit in the room.
[00:40:30]  Was that in someone else's mouth that had coronavirus?
[00:40:33]  That's the first thing I said.
[00:40:34]  I go, was someone coughing on that that had coronavirus?
[00:40:38]  Is that part of the welcome package?
[00:40:39]  Hey, is the orange under the seat part of the welcome package?
[00:40:43]  Because what I'm about to do is come down to the lobby and start coughing.
[00:40:46]  So is that what you'd like?
[00:40:48]  Because I could come down to the lobby, start coughing and yelling Wuhan right now because I'm a wild motherfucker.
[00:40:54]  So what I can do is I could come down to the lobby, literally bare ass, start coughing and yelling Woohan.
[00:41:01]  Is that what we want?
[00:41:02]  Yes or no?
[00:41:02]  Let me know.
[00:41:03]  I'm here to help you.
[00:41:04]  I'm here to help you.
[00:41:06]  Okay?
[00:41:07]  That's all.
[00:41:08]  I want it to be nice.
[00:41:10]  I want it to be nice.
[00:41:13]  Like at the Carlisle Hotel, they knew what we're about.
[00:41:15]  We checked in, put us in room 9-11.
[00:41:18]  Immediately, I go, they get it.
[00:41:20]  They get it.
[00:41:22]  Room 9-11.
[00:41:24]  Didn't even ask if it was an issue.
[00:41:26]  Just put us right in room 9-11 in New York City.
[00:41:31]  A beauty.
[00:41:33]  That's a beauty.
[00:41:34]  That's a hotel that gets you, that sees you and goes, fuck yeah.
[00:41:39]  Understands.
[00:41:40]  What was the what?
[00:41:42]  You know, when you were a kid, did you go on vacations ever?
[00:41:45]  Once.

=== Luxury Hotels That Understand You (03:27) ===

[00:41:46]  We went to Disneyland, everyone fought, and then we never went on vacation again.
[00:41:49]  We just gave up on it.
[00:41:50]  Disneyland in California.
[00:41:51]  Or Disney World in Florida.
[00:41:52]  Florida.
[00:41:53]  How old were you?
[00:41:54]  12.
[00:41:55]  We drove all the way across, like in a van we rented, and someone had smoked a bunch of cigarettes in it.
[00:42:00]  Everyone fought, and everyone hated each other.
[00:42:02]  The air conditioning didn't work.
[00:42:03]  And then we just, we literally never went on vacation ever again.
[00:42:07]  My mom would be like, anyone want to go on vacation this summer?
[00:42:09]  And everyone would go, nope, we're good.
[00:42:12]  And then we would just, she would cry.
[00:42:13]  And then I went on, I went on, I went on, see, he talks.
[00:42:18]  I went on, I went on, very good.
[00:42:22]  We'll do it again next week.
[00:42:28]  Stop harassing Ben out there, by the way.
[00:42:30]  Yes.
[00:42:31]  Oh, and also Hotel Tonight, please sponsor the podcast.
[00:42:35]  Thank you.
[00:42:36]  Yeah, good idea.
[00:42:38]  I will listen.
[00:42:39]  I've got to be honest with you, Hotel Tonight, because we say a lot of wild shit on here, but let's get fucking real.
[00:42:43]  Nobody knows luxury like fucking my nobody knows luxury like I do.
[00:42:49]  You listening to me?
[00:42:50]  Okay, nobody understands luxury.
[00:42:54]  Okay?
[00:42:55]  Like I do.
[00:42:57]  You might not like that.
[00:42:58]  That might not be nice for you because I'm not some young, you know, half black, half Asian, you know, hot, you know, whatever, pansexual wet nurse.
[00:43:10]  I don't know what you want, but I'll tell you right now, nobody knows luxury like this fat Irish man from Long Island.
[00:43:15]  I know it all.
[00:43:16]  I've got class.
[00:43:18]  For years, the Irish have been shit on and called animals for good reason.
[00:43:21]  And I've worked hard to fight that stereotype by going to restaurants and hotels that fought.
[00:43:27]  I have no money in the bank.
[00:43:28]  I'll die.
[00:43:28]  I don't care.
[00:43:30]  I spend my money on niceties, luxuries, little macaroons.
[00:43:34]  They brought the room service little macaroons.
[00:43:36]  Eat the meal.
[00:43:40]  So I know this shit, Hotel Tonight.
[00:43:42]  Now, Hotel Tonight is for people that are a lot.
[00:43:45]  It's your marketing right now.
[00:43:46]  It's people that have fucked last minute people that, you know, they come into a city or whatever and they're like, and it's a great app and whatever.
[00:43:57]  And I understand that, but I'm telling you right now, you got some nice hotels on there.
[00:44:01]  You need daddy to open the luxury division of Hotel Tonight.
[00:44:05]  That's what you need.
[00:44:06]  Luxury.
[00:44:07]  Hotel Tonight, luxury.
[00:44:10]  I like hotels.
[00:44:11]  And this is the slogan.
[00:44:13]  Are you ready?
[00:44:16]  Hotel tonight.
[00:44:18]  I like hotels because I hate my life.
[00:44:25]  Hotel tonight.
[00:44:26]  Be a person for 24 hours.
[00:44:30]  Be a person till 12 p.m.
[00:44:32]  Maybe one if you get a late checkout.
[00:44:36]  That's what you need to start marketing as.
[00:44:39]  Are you disgusted with your circumstances, your decisions, your friends, your family?
[00:44:45]  How about a little trip?
[00:44:48]  For 24 hours, you can exist in a completely different environment where no one can legally tell you to leave.
[00:44:54]  Hotel tonight.
[00:44:56]  Do you hate your life?
[00:44:58]  Perfect.
[00:44:59]  Hotel tonight.
[00:45:01]  I love hotels because I hate my life.
[00:45:04]  That's the direction you need to head in.
[00:45:07]  I went when I was a kid to Disney World.
[00:45:09]  I've talked about this at nauseum.
[00:45:10]  I've bits about it on stage.
[00:45:12]  I'm not going to go into it.

=== Dancing Because I Hate My Life (05:11) ===

[00:45:13]  My parents went to kind of like save their marriage.
[00:45:16]  It was a fucking disaster.
[00:45:17]  I went back when I was in the, I was a tap dancer in a dance troupe.
[00:45:23]  I did the boogie woogie bugle boy.
[00:45:24]  This is when I was an actor.
[00:45:26]  From 6 to 12, I was a fucking actor.
[00:45:28]  Nobody's done anything in this audience.
[00:45:30]  6 to 12, I was an actor.
[00:45:32]  I was in nothing really, not a lot.
[00:45:35]  I was in some community theater.
[00:45:37]  I was in some fucking NYU, like student film.
[00:45:41]  Like, listen, you know, I tried.
[00:45:44]  I got to like second call back, third call back for Grace Under Fire.
[00:45:48]  And then Brett Butler, that drunk, didn't choose me.
[00:45:50]  She chose the Sweet Life Cody, one of them.
[00:45:52]  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:45:53]  Dylan or Cody.
[00:45:54]  Let me see their name.
[00:45:55]  Yeah, well, whatever.
[00:45:56]  That was probably a better investment long term.
[00:46:00]  Oh, Sprouse, Cole Sprouse.
[00:46:02]  Yeah, isn't that?
[00:46:02]  Isn't that?
[00:46:03]  Aren't they the isn't that the Zach and the two fucking twinks on a boat or something?
[00:46:09]  Yeah, the Sweet Life of Zach and Cody.
[00:46:11]  Yeah.
[00:46:13]  What's yeah, the Sweet Life of Zach and Cody.
[00:46:16]  Yeah, Cole Spraus and Dylan Sprouse.
[00:46:18]  Yeah, the Sprouses.
[00:46:19]  They were on the Dance Schneider Cruise.
[00:46:21]  And they chose those fucks, whatever.
[00:46:26]  No, bygones.
[00:46:28]  And I was a tap dancer before cool black guys took it over.
[00:46:36]  Like Savion Glover, who's a genius.
[00:46:38]  And then everybody wanted to go see Stomp.
[00:46:41]  But before that, fat white men used to dance in this country.
[00:46:46]  Like Jackie Gleason, this is what Trump got elected.
[00:46:50]  Fat white men who were light on their feet used to dance and people would love it.
[00:46:57]  And then cool black guys started dancing.
[00:46:59]  And then what are the white people going to do?
[00:47:01]  They vote for Donald J. Trump.
[00:47:04]  What happened was when I went to the Disney World, I thought we'd be in like a theater or something, you know.
[00:47:16]  And in the dance, in the dance classes, there was me and there was one other, the fat kid.
[00:47:21]  There was another guy and he was a fat guy.
[00:47:23]  I don't even know if he was gay or not.
[00:47:25]  I think it was sadder if he wasn't gay.
[00:47:27]  His name was George.
[00:47:29]  And my dad had nothing to be masculine or competitive about with me.
[00:47:32]  He was never like, oh, we weren't in sports.
[00:47:35]  So he couldn't be like, we're going to kill the tigers today or whatever fucking little league team.
[00:47:41]  So he's like, you're better than that fat George guy.
[00:47:44]  He's like, you're a better dancer than George.
[00:47:46]  I'm like, I know I am.
[00:47:47]  He's like, you're going to fucking, I'm sure they'll give you the Bugle Boy.
[00:47:50]  You know, that's all he can be competitive about with me, you know?
[00:47:53]  Poor guy.
[00:47:54]  But, you know, have more kids, you selfish boomer.
[00:47:58]  I'm sure someone else would have came out that would have been better.
[00:48:01]  Point is, Fat George didn't get it.
[00:48:06]  I got it.
[00:48:06]  I was a bugle boy, so I get to go down to Florida, you know, with all these, you know, like truly talentless, predominantly Jewish women.
[00:48:17]  A lot of Dana's, a lot of Rebecca's, and just, you know, like not, not good.
[00:48:23]  So we go down to Florida.
[00:48:28]  You have, go play that, play the song for Boogie Boogie Boogle Boy.
[00:48:31]  I want people to hear what it sounds like.
[00:48:35]  It's an annoying 1920s, like fucking like, let me make sure it's not copyrighted.
[00:48:44]  Yeah, right.
[00:48:45]  Okay.
[00:48:45]  Yeah, I'm sure it is.
[00:48:46]  Yeah, it's copyright.
[00:48:47]  All right.
[00:48:48]  But it's like, the boogie boogie, boogie, boom, coming to me.
[00:48:51]  The Tuskegee Armen are fine or whatever.
[00:48:53]  I don't know.
[00:48:54]  But what it was, so then they fucking, we perform on this stage outside in Disney World that's by the bathrooms.
[00:49:06]  So all these fat tourists are trying to go, they're on a bathroom.
[00:49:11]  We're performing for the bathroom line, literally.
[00:49:15]  And it smells like shit because the shit is wafting out from the bathroom.
[00:49:21]  It's 120 degrees.
[00:49:22]  And we're just flailing around on this stage in the heat.
[00:49:26]  This is what show business really is.
[00:49:27]  That's where all these people get into comedy.
[00:49:29]  They're like, it's not in fear.
[00:49:31]  It's like, it's not supposed to be.
[00:49:34]  It's watching your life get ground up like meat, you idiot.
[00:49:39]  So I came from this shit.
[00:49:41]  So I knew how fucking.
[00:49:42]  So we're like flailing our arms around and dancing.
[00:49:45]  And it's the number plays over and over again, right?
[00:49:48]  So there's no new number.
[00:49:50]  There's no new dance.
[00:49:51]  Like, it's just, you saw the one dance and then, and then it's like, boom.
[00:49:55]  And then it goes, it starts again.
[00:49:56]  It goes, so these fat tourists on the line are like, so then they start to turn their back to us because they've had enough.
[00:50:05]  I mean, they've seen enough.
[00:50:06]  So literally, I'm watching fat tourists on a bathroom line just turn their back to you in the middle of like that to me is Disney World.
[00:50:18]  Like that, that was.
[00:50:19]  And then at the end of the trip, we went on Splash Mountain, right?
[00:50:22]  And that was fun.
[00:50:23]  So that's Disney World.

=== Working Class Hope And Quality Smells (15:06) ===

[00:50:24]  And that's life for most people.
[00:50:26]  Hell, heat, the smell of shit, and then one moment of weightlessness.
[00:50:31]  And then here's a picture that they'll sell you.
[00:50:34]  That's what it is.
[00:50:35]  You waft through the smell of other people's shit.
[00:50:38]  You're just sweating.
[00:50:39]  You don't know where you're going.
[00:50:40]  You don't know why you're there.
[00:50:42]  You're embarrassed.
[00:50:43]  You're afraid.
[00:50:44]  And then at the end, you get to go down the log flume.
[00:50:46]  You have one moment of weightlessness.
[00:50:47]  That's all life is.
[00:50:48]  You get a photo, you know?
[00:50:50]  So Disney World never did it for me.
[00:50:52]  But then my dad, my dad actually, to his credit, took me to a fucking cool place called the Blantyre, which was a fucking castle in Massachusetts.
[00:51:06]  I've talked about this on the show before.
[00:51:07]  That I was into because we saw people that were working class get abused.
[00:51:14]  And that made me and my dad happy because we, poor people love seeing other poor people get abused.
[00:51:20]  And when the woman, the old woman was there, she's like, where's Maurice?
[00:51:24]  I've done everything and all my planning has been with Maurice.
[00:51:27]  I don't know who you are.
[00:51:29]  Go and find him.
[00:51:30]  Go and find.
[00:51:31]  When you see an old woman with a chunky jewel necklace, throw her hand in someone's face and go, go, go from me now.
[00:51:38]  Be gone.
[00:51:40]  It's great.
[00:51:42]  Okay?
[00:51:44]  See, I haven't gone full Bernie, bro.
[00:51:48]  And Blantyre was cool.
[00:51:51]  We went a few other places.
[00:51:52]  We went to this place to Chatham Sheepheard and Company.
[00:51:54]  It doesn't exist anymore.
[00:51:55]  That was cool.
[00:51:57]  You know, everybody goes on these all-inclusive, and I get it because they're regular people and there's nothing wrong with being a regular person.
[00:52:04]  It's never really interested me, but many of you seem to be having a fine time doing it.
[00:52:09]  But the all-inclusive thing or the cruise thing or the, I just, it's kind of gross to me.
[00:52:15]  I think going out in nature is cool.
[00:52:17]  Going to a different city is cool.
[00:52:19]  Learning things on your own, letting things happen organically.
[00:52:22]  But the idea that like when you're treated like cattle, which is how a lot of people go on vacations, they're treated like cattle.
[00:52:29]  And they're basically, they go, these people can't make any decisions for themselves.
[00:52:33]  And they're right.
[00:52:34]  They're right.
[00:52:35]  And they can't.
[00:52:35]  They're right.
[00:52:36]  Here's how much these people can't make decision.
[00:52:38]  Endorsements still matter.
[00:52:40]  That shocked me in the presidential way.
[00:52:42]  It's like endorsements matter.
[00:52:44]  Like Jim Clyburn in South Carolina endorsing Biden Matters.
[00:52:47]  It's like, guys, you know who these people are.
[00:52:49]  They've been on your TV.
[00:52:51]  You've seen them.
[00:52:52]  You know what they're about.
[00:52:53]  And you still need somebody to go, no, you click that lever.
[00:52:58]  You vote for this person.
[00:53:00]  These are grown adults.
[00:53:02]  These are grown adults who need another person to go, I think you should vote for this person.
[00:53:09]  Okay.
[00:53:11]  I mean, so that's my problem with a lot of these vacations is you just don't, you're not allowed.
[00:53:19]  You know, it's all you're corralled into a group and you're like, here's what we're going to do.
[00:53:25]  Here's what we're going to do.
[00:53:26]  And I'm sure a lot of them are fun.
[00:53:27]  Listen, I work a lot.
[00:53:28]  I don't go out.
[00:53:29]  I travel a lot for work.
[00:53:32]  I understand that there's a, but to me, it's like, it's more fun.
[00:53:38]  I think it's a much better story to go to a place with your fiancé and you go on a vacation and that, and then she gets kidnapped and you have to save her.
[00:53:53]  And of course, you don't save her.
[00:53:54]  That's Hollywood shit.
[00:53:55]  She gets killed.
[00:53:57]  But then you come back from that trip and you're a different person.
[00:54:01]  You understand things that you didn't understand previously.
[00:54:04]  You know, you're able to kind of process the world in a different way.
[00:54:09]  To me, I think that's a better.
[00:54:11]  I don't know.
[00:54:11]  I could be wrong.
[00:54:13]  Maybe I am, but, you know, but that's my whole thing with where we're headed.
[00:54:25]  I don't think Bernie's going to win, which is a bummer.
[00:54:30]  But he really could.
[00:54:33]  He could.
[00:54:35]  His fans that are kind of throwing their hands up, Ray Cump had a great tweet.
[00:54:39]  He's like, you fucking graphic designers, your candidates are still viable.
[00:54:43]  You're sitting in a coffee shop.
[00:54:45]  You know, how are you less tough than an 80-year-old guy who had a heart attack?
[00:54:48]  It's true.
[00:54:51]  You know, it's true.
[00:54:53]  He's still out there.
[00:54:54]  I hope that he wins.
[00:54:56]  I really hope.
[00:54:57]  And it would be an interesting general election campaign to see those two guys go at it.
[00:55:02]  You know, and as long as Bernie doesn't do something stupid and crazy with the open borders or whatever, I think he's got a really good argument against Trump.
[00:55:11]  You know, you know, that being said, what do I know?
[00:55:17]  You know?
[00:55:19]  I mean, I think a lot of it is going to come down to like, what the fuck is this virus going to do?
[00:55:24]  What's the economy going to do?
[00:55:26]  Is this a blip?
[00:55:27]  Is this a fucking real deal thing?
[00:55:31]  You know, two months from now, are we going to be broadcasting literally from like a safe house somewhere when me and Ben are just spraying each other with things?
[00:55:40]  We're broadcasting in, dude.
[00:55:43]  We should have done full hazmat suits.
[00:55:45]  Oh, fuck.
[00:55:46]  We should have done full hazmat suits for the show.
[00:55:50]  Full hazmat suits.
[00:55:53]  Have fun when you can.
[00:55:54]  Cough a little bit when you're out.
[00:55:57]  I was at the Beverly Hills Hotel just coughing.
[00:56:01]  Woohoo!
[00:56:05]  Sorry, I just got bad.
[00:56:10]  Stop waving your hands.
[00:56:17]  I can still smell the body.
[00:56:18]  It's burning.
[00:56:22]  And then, and then turn around to the waitress and go, slice tomato, too.
[00:56:26]  You bring a slice.
[00:56:29]  You know, is there anything better than a thing better than a slice of tomato, folks?
[00:56:34]  Very, you know, good, deep red slice of tomato.
[00:56:38]  I don't care that Monsanto died it.
[00:56:39]  Who gives a shit?
[00:56:40]  A slice of fucking tomato will change your life.
[00:56:47]  Just make you a better person, you know?
[00:56:51]  Make you a better person.
[00:56:53]  A few other things I wanted to talk about.
[00:56:58]  I think it'd be great if Hotels Tonight did the sponsor us.
[00:57:00]  I just don't know if that's going to happen.
[00:57:03]  Reach out to them.
[00:57:04]  Yeah.
[00:57:05]  Tweet at them.
[00:57:06]  They'd sponsor the show.
[00:57:07]  Yeah, tweet at Hotel Tonight, guys, and check your avatar before you tweet at them.
[00:57:12]  Okay?
[00:57:13]  If it's an end-white genocide avatar, let's not tweet at them.
[00:57:19]  Okay?
[00:57:20]  That might not be the, you know, you know, like, let's just check our avatar and make sure that our avatar might be appropriate for the corporate sponsorship we're trying to get from Hotel Tonight.
[00:57:41]  It's a great fucking app.
[00:57:43]  And I got a lot of status on it.
[00:57:44]  I should be given so much more free shit.
[00:57:46]  I plug people for free all the time.
[00:57:50]  I get a lot from those steakhouses in New York City.
[00:57:52]  I talk about quality restaurant group, quality meats, quality Italian, all that stuff.
[00:57:56]  Except I ate a quality bistro and I was not happy.
[00:58:00]  Really not happy.
[00:58:01]  I hope they get it together.
[00:58:02]  But I ate there very early on and I think they'll get it together.
[00:58:06]  I hope they get it together because it was really, I mean, it was a problem.
[00:58:10]  It was a problem.
[00:58:12]  And this is my family that's involved in some of that.
[00:58:16]  And I love them, but it was an affront to human decency that restaurant at that particular moment.
[00:58:26]  They brought over a hunk of butter and they said we have butter service.
[00:58:30]  They were doing a parody on like bottle service.
[00:58:32]  They go, we have butter service.
[00:58:34]  And I went, what?
[00:58:36]  What?
[00:58:37]  What's going on?
[00:58:38]  Why are you bringing a hunk of butter?
[00:58:40]  It's stomach churning to see a hunk of butter.
[00:58:46]  Guys, you don't understand what I mean hunk.
[00:58:47]  I mean a hunk.
[00:58:50]  Like it was like a foot of butter.
[00:58:52]  Different flavors of butter?
[00:58:53]  No, just a foot of butter.
[00:58:55]  And then they put it on the thing with different spices and herbs.
[00:58:57]  And then it's still not good.
[00:58:59]  It's like doesn't taste good.
[00:59:01]  Bad.
[00:59:03]  Bad.
[00:59:03]  Figure it out.
[00:59:05]  Quality meats.
[00:59:06]  One of my favorites.
[00:59:07]  Quality Italian.
[00:59:08]  Love it.
[00:59:08]  Smith Wilinski's classic.
[00:59:10]  Don Angie, great.
[00:59:13]  Figure it out, quality bistro.
[00:59:15]  Figure it out.
[00:59:16]  There's a lot of people listening to this.
[00:59:18]  Could be a great pre-theater restaurant.
[00:59:20]  Figure it out.
[00:59:20]  That French onion soup was fucking bad.
[00:59:24]  It was not good.
[00:59:26]  Watery.
[00:59:27]  Not good.
[00:59:28]  I pulled the manager aside.
[00:59:29]  It's a lovely Asian woman.
[00:59:31]  I went right up to her and I went, ah, woohoo.
[00:59:33]  I didn't, but I went up to her and I said, this is one of the worst meals I've ever had in my life.
[00:59:39]  I looked right at her and I said, hi, how are you?
[00:59:42]  Good.
[00:59:42]  I said, this is unacceptable.
[00:59:44]  It's one of the worst meals I've ever had in my life.
[00:59:47]  And I don't know what you're going to do.
[00:59:49]  I said, I don't know what you're going to do here because I can barely even come up with suggestions to make this better because it was such an affront to human decency that the meal.
[01:00:00]  The chocolate mousse was served on a slate like it looked like human shit.
[01:00:06]  Moose looks like human shit.
[01:00:08]  So what you got to do with chocolate mousse is like, make it pretty.
[01:00:13]  Make it pretty.
[01:00:15]  You can't put it on a slate like it's shit.
[01:00:22]  I was, I was aghast.
[01:00:25]  I'm going to give it another shot.
[01:00:26]  We might pop in there when we're in the city of Carolines.
[01:00:28]  I might give it another shot.
[01:00:31]  I was unhappy.
[01:00:32]  And I was vocally unhappy.
[01:00:34]  My mother, I grew up with a woman who would put the service industry through all types of hell.
[01:00:39]  It's one of the things I respected about her.
[01:00:42]  Okay?
[01:00:43]  Okay.
[01:00:44]  And she would demand things.
[01:00:49]  Demand.
[01:00:52]  And stop with all you fucking liberal socialists, like fucking, I feel bad for the working class.
[01:00:56]  No, you don't.
[01:00:57]  You're just mad that you suck.
[01:01:00]  You don't care about the working class.
[01:01:01]  The working class, many of them are Trump rallies and many of them are at Monster Cart shows.
[01:01:05]  You don't care.
[01:01:06]  Talk about all these people in LA talk about the working class, and they start quoting Proust.
[01:01:09]  Stop.
[01:01:11]  You and the working class have never met each other.
[01:01:13]  Okay.
[01:01:14]  Somebody who's broke because they're trying to be a slam poet is not the working class.
[01:01:19]  It's actually the opposite.
[01:01:21]  Someone who has the luxury of pursuing comedy and not working is by definition not the working class.
[01:01:31]  My mother used to say to like waiters and waitresses, she'd go.
[01:01:35]  She'd be like, I want the french fries lightly cooked and then the fries would come out and they wouldn't be.
[01:01:39]  And she would look at the waitress and she'd go, listen, I gotta, I gotta be honest with you.
[01:01:43]  She goes, if the chef can't make french fries, I don't know that he's in the right business.
[01:01:48]  She goes, I just wonder what, I wonder what's going on back there.
[01:01:53]  I'm confused.
[01:01:55]  You know, she would just torture people.
[01:01:59]  My father watched her once get up in a diner and walk into the kitchen.
[01:02:04]  And my dad just saw a bunch of like Greek guys staring at my mother.
[01:02:07]  And she just yelled at a guy because the fish wasn't done the right way.
[01:02:11]  You know, she wanted what she wanted when she wanted it.
[01:02:16]  Brown the cheese on the pizza.
[01:02:18]  If the pizza box got lifted up in the restaurant and there was not brown cheese, she'd go, hey, got to go back in.
[01:02:25]  Got to go back in.
[01:02:27]  And she'd call over this little WAP and she'd be like, come here.
[01:02:31]  And he'd be like, oh, this fucking fuck bitch.
[01:02:33]  And he'd walk over and she'd go, hey, Giuseppe, can you put this back in the can you put this back in the oven?
[01:02:39]  You little garlic monkey.
[01:02:42]  Thanks.
[01:02:45]  So let them know.
[01:02:47]  If you're spending money, it's okay to hit people.
[01:02:52]  It's okay to hurt them.
[01:02:54]  It's okay to smash them.
[01:02:57]  Take the phone right out of their hand.
[01:02:59]  Oh, I'm talking to you, my child.
[01:03:00]  No, you're not.
[01:03:01]  Grab the phone.
[01:03:03]  Your mother's at work.
[01:03:07]  We've been too nice to people.
[01:03:09]  This is why I think you should, I am for giving people health care so I can treat them like shit.
[01:03:17]  Do you understand that?
[01:03:20]  I care about people.
[01:03:22]  If you don't complain, you don't care.
[01:03:25]  I want you to be the best.
[01:03:27]  I've done this a million times, but I want you to be the best.
[01:03:30]  So, if I see you not being the best, I have to tell you you're not being the best.
[01:03:34]  Or if your institution is not being the best, I got to let them know.
[01:03:37]  I don't rat.
[01:03:38]  I'm not a rat.
[01:03:38]  So, I won't tell on you, but I will just make your life miserable by being myself a lot.
[01:03:46]  That's all.
[01:03:48]  But that's why I want you to have health insurance.
[01:03:49]  I don't think you should get cancer.
[01:03:51]  I think you should be able to go to the doctor and then you should be able to go to work and fucking deal with me.
[01:03:57]  Because it's work time.
[01:03:59]  Okay?
[01:04:00]  I'm sorry, gay guy who's not as good looking as he thinks he is.
[01:04:04]  Otherwise, he wouldn't be working at the hotel.
[01:04:06]  I'm sorry.
[01:04:07]  It's not time to just take Molly and zone the fuck out.
[01:04:10]  Wake up.
[01:04:13]  Wake up.
[01:04:13]  I got a lot of issues.
[01:04:14]  Is my room a corner room or not?
[01:04:16]  Oh, it's not.
[01:04:17]  We got a lot of work to do.
[01:04:20]  Open up the ledger.
[01:04:21]  What do we got?
[01:04:22]  What kind of rooms we got left?
[01:04:25]  That's the reality.
[01:04:27]  You know?
[01:04:28]  That's why, and this is the working class argument.
[01:04:32]  Provide the people with health insurance.
[01:04:37]  Provide them with health insurance so you can spit on them.
[01:04:43]  I mean, is that wrong?
[01:04:45]  I think it's pretty good.
[01:04:47]  Provide them with a living wage and make them work for it.
[01:04:53]  Climb over the counter in the Wendy's.
[01:04:59]  You can't, you cannot yell at a fucking kiosk.
[01:05:06]  You can't threaten a kiosk.
[01:05:09]  A touchscreen thing.
[01:05:12]  That's why you need real people.
[01:05:13]  You can't get real people out of the workforce.
[01:05:15]  Can't get real people out of the workforce.
[01:05:17]  That's why I support giving people health care, giving them child care so that their children can be looked after while they are brutalized.
[01:05:30]  That's why I'm not a Marxist.

=== Bloomberg Buying Votes With Less Than Nothing (04:06) ===

[01:05:31]  I don't believe in this horse shit.
[01:05:33]  We're all equal.
[01:05:33]  We're not all equal, you dumb fuck.
[01:05:37]  We're not equal at all.
[01:05:38]  You're going to get the boot in the fucking face.
[01:05:41]  But, but, should get healthcare.
[01:05:47]  You should get health care, but you should also be beaten.
[01:05:53]  Beaten.
[01:05:57]  A lot of that is, some of that is kidding, but a lot of that is not.
[01:06:03]  I truly, I was beaten.
[01:06:05]  I'm beaten now.
[01:06:08]  Listen, all of you giving me your opinions and your fucking tweets, that's you spitting in my face because I have to listen to that and some of it I have to take into account.
[01:06:17]  Now, none of it I do.
[01:06:19]  But I've had so many shitty jobs.
[01:06:20]  The idea that you don't learn anything from a shitty job, this is where those fucking Bernie stands and all you fuckers.
[01:06:24]  This is where you don't learn.
[01:06:25]  You don't know anything about life.
[01:06:27]  Truly.
[01:06:27]  Truly don't know anything about life.
[01:06:29]  You're all from Vermont.
[01:06:29]  You're all white.
[01:06:30]  You're disgusting.
[01:06:31]  The point is this.
[01:06:32]  I oscillate every week from alt-left to alt-right.
[01:06:35]  All the Antifa people are mad now, but the other people have their torches up.
[01:06:39]  Next week, they are extinguishing their torches angrily.
[01:06:41]  And the Antifa people with the black things are like this.
[01:06:46]  Imagine people voting for Bloomberg.
[01:06:50]  Imagine believing in less than nothing.
[01:06:54]  This guy's obviously buying your vote, buying the race.
[01:06:58]  He's made no qualms about it.
[01:07:00]  It's his strategy.
[01:07:03]  Buying the elections is strategy.
[01:07:06]  People that believe in, you know, Mayor Pete or Amy, people that voted for them, they don't believe in anything either, but they just believe in nothing, right?
[01:07:15]  They believe in tomato soup, civility, snow, like they liked the holidays.
[01:07:20]  They're just those people.
[01:07:22]  Bloomberg's people believe in less than nothing.
[01:07:27]  It's a nihilism that I could never even get near on my darkest, blackest day.
[01:07:36]  I mean, they believe in less than nothing.
[01:07:38]  They're pawns in an operation.
[01:07:41]  They're not getting anything out of it.
[01:07:44]  Woohoo.
[01:07:45]  Unless you are.
[01:07:47]  Woohoo him.
[01:07:49]  Unless you are.
[01:07:50]  Woohoo.
[01:07:51]  It's not.
[01:07:52]  I went to the thing.
[01:07:53]  It's not.
[01:07:53]  It's strap.
[01:07:53]  It's postnasal.
[01:07:55]  But I know rich people from New York City that voted for him.
[01:08:01]  Sure.
[01:08:02]  I know that.
[01:08:03]  Yeah, sure.
[01:08:04]  But I mean, if you're in fucking Tennessee and you vote for a guy like Mike Bloomberg and you think he gives a fuck about you just because he's and you're, what is your criteria for who you elect?
[01:08:14]  How many commercials you see, then vote for Hardys, I mean, that's it.
[01:08:23]  Vote for Chili's if your only criteria is how many commercials are on the air in a span of time.
[01:08:32]  But that's the country you're living in.
[01:08:34]  That's the country you're living in.
[01:08:36]  You're living in a country where millions of people around the country cast their votes for Mike Bloomberg because he bought up all the airtime, all the airtime on their television.
[01:08:51]  He bought up all the airtime on their tv.
[01:08:55]  So in between practical jokers reruns, there was Lizard Bloomberg going.
[01:09:00]  I'm gonna banner it.
[01:09:02]  And then these people, while they were eating, you know, a bowl of velveeta cheese salsa that they had bounced on their stomach they they they, they swallowed Bloomberg's ad and they said, oh, I guess i'll vote for him because I believe in less than nothing.
[01:09:23]  I don't even know there's an election happening.
[01:09:25]  I barely know what these what, what these, what's even happening.
[01:09:30]  But i'll just do what the, the billionaire on tv, tells me to do, I tip.

=== Always Tip And Enjoy This Disgusting Country (03:44) ===

[01:09:37]  Very well, I will say this, I tip really well.
[01:09:40]  I think you should always tip well.
[01:09:42]  This will be the closing thing of the show because everyone's gonna be like oh, you talk shit about service people.
[01:09:47]  I only talk shit about the bad ones.
[01:09:48]  The good ones I don't talk shit with and i'm not a dick to, but I was a bad service industry person, so I understand what it is and you do have to just get better at what you do and it you know.
[01:09:57]  But I tip really well.
[01:09:59]  I think you should always tip really, really well, even if you have a disagreement with somebody.
[01:10:05]  Like, there was a person, it was a woman who used to work at this diner, and she was very rude to me, and I was kind of a dick back to her, but I still tipped her really well, and afterwards, as I was walking out of the diner, I spit in the face, and then she ran out after me, and me and my friends hit her with our car, but I tipped 20%, always.
[01:10:37]  always, 20.
[01:10:43]  10millcomedy.com for all the dates, for all the tickets, for all the tickets and the dates and the tickets, and the dates and the tickets.
[01:10:53]  All of the shows are coming up.
[01:10:54]  Where Caroline's in New York City, we're in Philly uh, Des Moines, march 2, March 19th to the 21st.
[01:11:04]  We're at Helium Comedy CLUB in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
[01:11:07]  Come on out to that.
[01:11:08]  Where are we been?
[01:11:09]  Tell them where?
[01:11:10]  Des Moines at the Funny Bone.
[01:11:11]  March 26th through the 28th, Des Moines, Iowa.
[01:11:14]  Come on out, that's Johnny Gosh territory.
[01:11:17]  Oh yeah, Are you going to talk to anybody out there when you're.
[01:11:20]  I don't think so.
[01:11:21]  I might.
[01:11:22]  I don't know.
[01:11:22]  Omaha is really where it happened.
[01:11:24]  I mean, Omaha's the whole Franklin scandal, but I was where, I mean, I might take a photo in front of his house.
[01:11:31]  Everyone will be like, that's the guy who kidnapped Johnny.
[01:11:34]  I somehow get arrested.
[01:11:36]  I wasn't even alive.
[01:11:38]  They blame it on me.
[01:11:39]  They blame it on Red Comp.
[01:11:41]  Listen, I wasn't even alive.
[01:11:43]  You're saying I traffic somebody?
[01:11:48]  Oh, you didn't promote Carolines, by the way.
[01:11:51]  Well, when does this come out?
[01:11:51]  Oh, yes, listen, guys.
[01:11:53]  Coming out tonight.
[01:11:53]  Carolines, March 12th through the 14th.
[01:11:55]  Yeah.
[01:11:55]  Carolines.
[01:11:56]  A lot of tickets are sold.
[01:11:57]  There's some left.
[01:11:58]  Get them.
[01:11:58]  Yeah.
[01:11:59]  Thursday sold out.
[01:11:59]  There's some left Friday, Saturday.
[01:12:02]  Then we got Bloomington, House of Comedy, April 9th through the 11th.
[01:12:06]  Listen, guys, this is my nightmare.
[01:12:07]  This is the Mall of America, April 9th through the 11th in Bloomington, Minnesota.
[01:12:11]  This is my literal nightmare.
[01:12:13]  We're going to film a lot of content.
[01:12:14]  It's going to be fun.
[01:12:15]  Please get tickets for that show.
[01:12:17]  Bloomington, Minnesota, Mall of America, April 9th through the 11th.
[01:12:20]  I mean, this is like everything I talk about.
[01:12:22]  It's the physical manifestation and representation of everything I've ever spoken about on the show.
[01:12:29]  It's like an indoor roller coaster that like drops you into a vad of blue cheese.
[01:12:33]  It's an absolute nightmare.
[01:12:35]  We are a disgusting country, but please come and enjoy it with me.
[01:12:39]  After there, where are we?
[01:12:40]  Albany.
[01:12:41]  At Funnybone.
[01:12:42]  Funnybone in Albany.
[01:12:43]  Albany is a nothing place.
[01:12:45]  It's just opioid addiction and nothing.
[01:12:48]  Yeah.
[01:12:49]  April 17th through the 18th there.
[01:12:51]  Yeah.
[01:12:52]  And then back to Texas, Dallas, Texas at Hyenas, April 23rd through the 25th.
[01:12:57]  Yeah, April 23rd through the 25th, Dallas.
[01:12:59]  I love Dallas.
[01:13:00]  It's one of my favorite cities.
[01:13:01]  I adore Dallas.
[01:13:03]  If you don't know why I like Dallas, go to Corporate Steakhouse and listen to that episode.
[01:13:08]  I describe what I love about Dallas and that it's at everywhere you look is corporate steakhouse.
[01:13:15]  Then the live podcast in L.A. Wow.
[01:13:17]  I think it's almost sold out.
[01:13:19]  Live podcast, Roosevelt Hotel, Los Angeles.

=== Adding A Second Show In Albany (02:43) ===

[01:13:22]  Wild.
[01:13:23]  We should add a second show.
[01:13:24]  I'm going to talk to my agent, see if we can add a second show.
[01:13:26]  I don't know if we can.
[01:13:28]  Maybe we add a second show that night.
[01:13:31]  Well, that night we have the late show already.
[01:13:35]  Maybe we had a Sunday show.
[01:13:37]  I don't know.
[01:13:38]  We'll see what we can do.
[01:13:40]  Then you're going to Columbus for Funnybone.
[01:13:43]  Yeah, we're not going to do the whole tour.
[01:13:45]  But go on the fucking website.
[01:13:47]  Get Columbus Funnybone, folks.
[01:13:49]  TimNillacomedy.com.
[01:13:51]  You know, we're going to do 40 dates here.
[01:13:53]  We're going to sit here like, and then you're going to Arbor, Michigan.
[01:13:58]  Oh, I'm showing that tickets are sold out for the Netflix thing.
[01:14:01]  A lot of people are saying tickets are sold out for the Netflix thing.
[01:14:03]  Let's find out.
[01:14:04]  Let's see if we can add a show.
[01:14:05]  Let's see what we can do.
[01:14:05]  I don't know if we can do that.
[01:14:10]  I mean, we've done a lot of great things here today.
[01:14:12]  I've made the case for national health insurance better than anyone running has.
[01:14:16]  Why do poor people need health insurance?
[01:14:17]  You can demean them.
[01:14:19]  You can really, you know, hit them with a fire poker.
[01:14:23]  You know, that's why they deserve it.
[01:14:27]  That's why they deserve it.
[01:14:29]  Like, if you're a lord in England and you're going, you know, you're in a horse and carriage and there's like a little street urchin and they look up at you and they've got soot on their face from the mills.
[01:14:39]  And you go, get out of here, you know, and he's allowed running around.
[01:14:44]  That little bastard should be cared for.
[01:14:49]  But they don't get to get in the fucking carriage and go to the nice house.
[01:14:58]  Earn it next week, I'll just be like, Stalin, Stalin.
[01:15:05]  I just had a nice lunch, folks, and I become a monster after I have a nice lunch.
[01:15:09]  Well, you're like Oscar.
[01:15:10]  You switch every week.
[01:15:11]  Oscar does switch every week.
[01:15:12]  Oscar is the cat who's not my cat, but he's a friend of ours.
[01:15:17]  And we, a friend of ours owns him, and we do a lot of content with Oscar.
[01:15:20]  He's the big fat gray cat that everyone says, oh, he's a fur cut cut, shouldn't be fat.
[01:15:23]  It's like, shut the fuck up.
[01:15:24]  The term is fat cat.
[01:15:26]  Also, he's not as fat.
[01:15:27]  I mean, I know what people say, but he is just a lot of his fur.
[01:15:30]  But Oscar has been a member of most of the terrorist groups.
[01:15:34]  Like, he's in Antifa.
[01:15:35]  He went to Charlottesville.
[01:15:37]  He went in the alt-right.
[01:15:41]  He's been in Iglesia de Cristo, which is the Filipino thing.
[01:15:47]  He's been in Golden Dawn, which is some right-wing thing in Greece.
[01:15:50]  He's been a violent communist.
[01:15:54]  He's been in Ansar al-Islam.
[01:15:57]  He's been in ISIS.
[01:15:58]  He's been in Al-Qaeda.
[01:15:59]  Right now, he's currently working for Jair Bolsonaro in Brazil as a culture minister.

=== Tim Box Links And Merchandise (00:24) ===

[01:16:06]  You know, Jules, my podcast with Tim Dylan, coming soon, we will let you know when we are setting up a and bonfire.com/slash store slash the Tim Dylan show.
[01:16:21]  Those links are in Tim's box.
[01:16:23]  Get some merch, bitches.
[01:16:24]  Get some shirts.
[01:16:25]  Get some hats.
[01:16:26]  Get some mugs.
[01:16:30]  Woah ham.