The Tim Dillon Show - 187: 187 - Waffle Sundaes and Puppet Shows
Aired: 2020-02-16
Duration: 01:15:31


=== Real Shit in New York (14:49) ===

[00:00:00]  Hei Mikkel.
[00:00:00]  Hei, Gustaf skal bli med hjem i dag.
[00:00:02]  Kan han spise med oss?
[00:00:03]  Ja, selvfølgelig.
[00:00:04]  Hva er det til middag?
[00:00:05]  Eh, grønnsakssuppe.
[00:00:07]  What?
[00:00:07]  Vi kan ikke spise det.
[00:00:08]  Vi er jo carnivore.
[00:00:10]  Alle har carnivore nå, pappa.
[00:00:11]  Åja.
[00:00:12]  Ja, det er i hvert fall i utgangspunktet enkelt med frukt og grønt i hverdagen.
[00:00:15]  Med frisk og billig hos Rema 1000 får du nemlig alltid lave priser på frukt og grønnsaker.
[00:00:19]  Blant annet 1 kg guldrot til kun 19,90.
[00:00:22]  Og et utvalg hel melon til bare 14,90 hver kilo.
[00:00:25]  Det er slutsummen på kassalappen som tiller hos Rema 1000.
[00:00:28]  Altid lave priser.
[00:00:30]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon show live from Los Angeles, California.
[00:00:39]  Undisclosed location.
[00:00:42]  Anyway, everybody happy?
[00:00:45]  Did you watch the Academy Awards?
[00:00:47]  Wasn't that fun?
[00:00:49]  See Joaquin Phoenix go up there and talk about milk?
[00:00:53]  Man, Hollywood's dead, huh?
[00:00:55]  It's just the carcass of an industry.
[00:00:58]  It truly is.
[00:00:59]  Nobody cares.
[00:01:00]  Everybody, Pacino, De Niro, these people don't die.
[00:01:05]  They just keep going.
[00:01:07]  I don't know how they get the best medical care.
[00:01:11]  They're legends.
[00:01:12]  They're literally legends now.
[00:01:14]  Like you see them, you're like, is that them?
[00:01:17]  They're literally chupacabra-like when you see them on the red carpet.
[00:01:22]  And then you have Joaquin Phoenix up there talking about the abuse of animals.
[00:01:26]  How many states do they want Trump to win?
[00:01:28]  40, 45?
[00:01:30]  What would make them happy?
[00:01:32]  Brad Pitts up there doing impeachment jokes.
[00:01:37]  They gave more time than they gave Adam Schiff.
[00:01:40]  I forget which guy he mentioned, but he's up there doing impeachment.
[00:01:44]  It's like, no one paid attention to the impeachment process, by the way.
[00:01:49]  It came on the heels of the other fake thing you did about Russia that didn't make any fucking sense that you were unable to prove.
[00:01:55]  You had Robert Mueller, and everybody's going to prove everything.
[00:01:58]  We're going to prove that Putin and Trump are in communicator.
[00:02:02]  You were able to prove zero, nothing, not a nilch.
[00:02:05]  It was an embarrassment.
[00:02:06]  Instead of talking about healthcare and jobs, you're writing a spy novel that nobody wants to read.
[00:02:12]  Okay?
[00:02:13]  You have Chelsea Handler and Kathy Griffin out there talking about espionage as if they have a fucking clue as to anything that goes on.
[00:02:20]  Chelsea Handler is now an expert in espionage.
[00:02:22]  She spent a decade talking about her snatch and now she's talking about you know counterintelligence.
[00:02:31]  I mean, guys, shut up enough.
[00:02:34]  I'm starting to think they are Republicans.
[00:02:36]  I'm starting to think all these Hollywood fucks are Republicans.
[00:02:39]  They're like, fuck it.
[00:02:40]  We're making a lot of money.
[00:02:42]  These fucking accounts look fat and we do not want anybody else in there.
[00:02:47]  I'm starting to believe that.
[00:02:48]  I'm starting to believe it's a coin tell pro operation where they just tell people they go, hey, Joaquin Phoenix, why don't you get out there and talk about milk?
[00:02:55]  It's almost like it was a sketch that was written out by like billionaire corporate donors that are like, you know, it'll really get everybody.
[00:03:04]  You just get out there and no, don't talk about immigration.
[00:03:07]  That you could pull some heartstrings there.
[00:03:09]  People might agree with you.
[00:03:10]  Talk about animals.
[00:03:13]  Talk about factory farming when half the country is on heroin and there's an opioid epidemic and people are working three jobs to drag themselves out of bankruptcy because they got sick and can't afford the bills.
[00:03:27]  Ignore all of that because that could get people on our side, on your side, and just talk about the abuse that cows suffer.
[00:03:38]  I mean, what level of privilege do you have to be in society to think that the biggest problem is fucking milk?
[00:03:47]  I mean, how lost do you have to be as a human being to think that the real issue here?
[00:03:54]  I'm not saying animals are always treated nicely.
[00:03:57]  I'm saying this.
[00:03:58]  We eat animals.
[00:04:00]  That's how most people survive.
[00:04:02]  They eat animals.
[00:04:03]  They've been doing it forever.
[00:04:05]  Okay.
[00:04:06]  Now, some people don't eat animals.
[00:04:08]  They eat vegetables.
[00:04:09]  Good for them.
[00:04:10]  Some people abstain from animal products.
[00:04:13]  But can we all stop with this insane crusade to end the consumption of meat and dairy as if it's the biggest problem in the country?
[00:04:24]  This is a carcass of an empire.
[00:04:26]  This is a scam that stopped being viable 50 years ago, this country, by the way.
[00:04:31]  I mean, I look at these elections as like that there's somehow people that are still in the Enron office building arguing about what the lunch counter, you know, what the deli is going to serve.
[00:04:42]  We're done, folks.
[00:04:44]  And we're talking about milk, this psychopath.
[00:04:48]  And these people, they look weirder and weirder, the celebrity.
[00:04:51]  Like they look odd when you see them on the red carpet.
[00:04:54]  They look, you know, sorcery ron.
[00:04:56]  They have a look to them where they look less and less like people.
[00:05:00]  Timothy Chalamé does not look like a person.
[00:05:02]  He looks like a feather.
[00:05:04]  He floats around.
[00:05:06]  He's this weirdly, you know, genderless, you know, attractive, but weirdly youthful, like a guy who's kind of cast in amber, that he's never really going to age.
[00:05:20]  And, you know, all of these celebrities are starting to take on this look, which is strange to people.
[00:05:26]  People don't quite understand it.
[00:05:28]  The outfits are odd.
[00:05:30]  The way of speaking is odd.
[00:05:32]  The patterns of speech are odd.
[00:05:35]  They're just not on planet Earth anymore.
[00:05:39]  It looks like spaceships are landing and they come in from their other planets to discuss things that we should be doing.
[00:05:45]  It really is strange.
[00:05:48]  People don't know what to make of this.
[00:05:50]  People in Middle America don't understand.
[00:05:52]  People on the coasts don't understand this stuff anymore.
[00:05:56]  It's creepy to them.
[00:05:58]  There's a level of, and I remember growing up watching the Academy Awards, watching the Emmys, people being into it, people kind of caring, people thinking that there were stakes and that these things mattered.
[00:06:10]  And then something happened where it just became like odd.
[00:06:16]  These celebrities are much odder.
[00:06:18]  And Andrew Schultz made this point that if you don't have social media now, and if you're not accessible in any real way, and you just live in some castle, you just live in some big house and everything you say is handed to you from a publicist or a lawyer, you seem odd now.
[00:06:35]  Like a lot of these people are, they're no longer relatable in any way to us.
[00:06:42]  They're not because most people have adapted and they're like, I have these tools to communicate directly with fans.
[00:06:48]  And then you have this really elite sanctum of Hollywood, this really elite group of people.
[00:06:53]  They don't speak ever unless they're at a red carpet or they're, you know, it's a very staged production where they go on Jimmy Fallon or they go on Seth Meyers and they sit in the chair and they have five minutes of banter.
[00:07:06]  And it's like, well, hey, you were in Italy recently.
[00:07:09]  And there's nothing real about it.
[00:07:11]  You know, you were in Italy.
[00:07:12]  You know, I was in Italy when you were in Italy.
[00:07:13]  You love when they do that.
[00:07:15]  When somebody will be like, remember when we were both in Italy?
[00:07:18]  It's so insane that this even still goes on.
[00:07:22]  And the lead-in to these shows is like, you know, a mass shooting or, you know, a senator who's been found to be taking a bribe or some scientist at Harvard who got caught sneaking biological samples to the Wuhan province of China, which no one really talks about.
[00:07:42]  And then we go to Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers who want to talk to somebody about the time they were both in Italy.
[00:07:49]  It's crazy.
[00:07:51]  You got to look at some old late night shows where guys like James Baldwin, the famous black intellectual, go out and talk about real shit.
[00:07:57]  They'll talk about real stuff.
[00:07:59]  But these late night shows, their viewers are falling.
[00:08:03]  They're decreasing steadily.
[00:08:05]  And they're terrified of upsetting anybody.
[00:08:08]  They're terrified of losing a fat housewife from Galveston, Texas, who thinks it's fun that Jimmy Fallon plays with Muppets every night and that he sings with the band and he does dances and he brings out the kid from Stranger Things and they play hopscotch or whatever the fuck they do.
[00:08:26]  I mean, it's imagine watching this and having a real job.
[00:08:30]  Imagine having a real job where like you're working in a factory and a guy next to you is like, I just got diagnosed with cancer.
[00:08:37]  I don't know what to do.
[00:08:38]  And you go home and you put on Jimmy Fallon and he's playing a game with Zach Efron or he's going to the Olive Garden with Post Malone.
[00:08:48]  Like it's the crazy.
[00:08:49]  So that's where these celebrities, that's the only time that they ever communicate with people is on these like late night shows, which are like a dystopian nightmare reality in which insanely wealthy people sit there and have meaningless conversation, like meaningless conversations beyond the pit.
[00:09:10]  Now, if I am asked to do panel, and I have to say this, I do have to, I have to be clear about this.
[00:09:15]  If I am asked to do panel on one of these shows, I will.
[00:09:18]  I don't think, I think I'm beyond where I should be doing stand-up in a five-minute set.
[00:09:21]  It's also, my stand-up doesn't really work in five-minute little bits.
[00:09:26]  And I don't, I can't do it if I can't say what I want to say.
[00:09:29]  And I, you know, years ago, we submitted to do stand-up on these late night shows and they go, it's too ranty and it's too dark.
[00:09:34]  And I was like, you're right.
[00:09:36]  You're right.
[00:09:37]  And I'm good with that.
[00:09:38]  Like, I love my friends that do it.
[00:09:40]  I love what Norman does it.
[00:09:41]  I love when Sam Maruel does it.
[00:09:42]  I love when I watch people do it.
[00:09:44]  I don't need to do it.
[00:09:45]  I'm not bitter and angry.
[00:09:46]  Everything's fine.
[00:09:48]  But if they want to talk to me on panel, I will do that.
[00:09:52]  Now, here's what will also happen.
[00:09:54]  That episode won't air.
[00:09:56]  That's also going to happen because it's not going to air because I will ask them what they're doing.
[00:10:03]  Like I will look at one of them as I'm sitting there and go, let me ask you a question.
[00:10:06]  What are you doing?
[00:10:07]  Like, what in God's name are you doing?
[00:10:11]  I mean, I know this pays well, but I will just keep bringing up real shit and there will be censors because you got to realize the people that go to these shows, like the people that attend, imagine going to New York City, the greatest city in the world, in my opinion.
[00:10:30]  And I'm right.
[00:10:31]  But imagine, I mean, London's a goth nightmare.
[00:10:34]  The food stocks.
[00:10:35]  Shut up.
[00:10:36]  Shanghai, that'll have its time.
[00:10:38]  It's coming.
[00:10:38]  Don't worry about it.
[00:10:39]  You'll have the next century.
[00:10:40]  Let me have the past one.
[00:10:42]  Thank you.
[00:10:43]  Imagine going to New York City with a group of your friends, group of your friends, the great restaurants, the great public spaces, all the things you can do, the museums, and having one of them go, I'd really like to watch a taping of the tonight show tonight.
[00:10:58]  Imagine being on a trip with someone that said that and just the, it would be like the just feeling in the pit of your stomach of a doctor saying positive to you.
[00:11:09]  That's what it would feel like to me of a doctor telling you that you, you had AIDS, you know, not even AIDS, something even worse than that.
[00:11:16]  Like just you have six months to live.
[00:11:18]  We're sorry, inoperable.
[00:11:20]  The word taping of the tonight show to me is synonymous with the word inoperable, like be hearing it's inoperable.
[00:11:27]  Because if, I mean, can you imagine hearing that from somebody like, I want to go to a taping of the tonight show tonight?
[00:11:33]  Why?
[00:11:35]  Why would you ever want to go see a thing that you can see on TV and you could watch it on TV and shouldn't, but what in God's name?
[00:11:46]  You don't know who the guests are.
[00:11:47]  They're all like, who knows who it's going to be?
[00:11:50]  It's going to be exciting.
[00:11:52]  We're going to see Jimmy's going to come out.
[00:11:53]  Maybe he'll have a field piece where he goes to the olive garden with Post Malone or Cardi B, and they can sit in the Olive Garden where people have worked 16 hours to make a living and they soak their feet every night because they swell because they're on them all day.
[00:12:08]  And they're taking amphetamines to just keep doing it and keep fucking answering the questions that fat tourists from Ohio have about Penne alovodka.
[00:12:17]  They have to do that and they're all drugged up and they can barely have a cigarette break.
[00:12:21]  And when they do, they go outside and it's just a cacophony of New York City blaring horns and ambulances and they go back into the olive garden and then they have to hear from their manager that, well, you got to look good today because Jimmy's coming in with Post Malone.
[00:12:34]  Now, I'm sure that there are some people that enjoy this that work at the Olive Garden because they're so broken.
[00:12:39]  They've been so destroyed in every possible way that some of them might get excited.
[00:12:43]  Maybe they're young kids.
[00:12:45]  But there's got to be a guy that considers having a Travis Bickle moment.
[00:12:48]  There's got to be, there's got to be a guy that thinks of throwing a tour of Italy on the table and then lunging at Fallon.
[00:12:55]  There's got to be one of those chefs in the back that's had quite enough of this shit.
[00:13:00]  What is the bit that the Olive Garden's good?
[00:13:03]  It ain't.
[00:13:03]  That's the bit that rich people do.
[00:13:05]  Let's go eat this shit that regular people eat and pretend it's good.
[00:13:10]  It's kind of good.
[00:13:12]  No, it's not.
[00:13:14]  It's not good.
[00:13:15]  It's disgusting.
[00:13:16]  And everybody who eats there hates everything you believe in or say you believe in Jimmy Fallon.
[00:13:21]  You know, it's a repulsive restaurant.
[00:13:24]  It is repulsive.
[00:13:26]  The Olive Garden is, there's no quality about it.
[00:13:29]  In New York City, you could get anything they serve.
[00:13:34]  They're better in a pizzeria.
[00:13:36]  And they go to the Olive Garden.
[00:13:37]  And I guess the joke is like, we're taking Cardi B to Red Lobster.
[00:13:40]  We're going to teach her how to use silverware.
[00:13:42]  I don't know what the joke is.
[00:13:44]  And she's like, what's Tramp's cocktail?
[00:13:46]  And you asked to explain it.
[00:13:48]  What is the bit?
[00:13:49]  I'm lost on the bit.
[00:13:52]  I'm really truly lost on the bit.
[00:13:53]  But imagine someone suggesting.
[00:13:56]  So this is why these celebrities and the people that rise to that level are so insanely disconnected because they're only showcased to us on that show or on a show like The View where they go out and it's just five women screaming about politics and then a celebrity comes on to promote some movie of the week that they're doing.
[00:14:16]  You know, I mean, it's truly crazy.
[00:14:20]  I want to hear a podcast from these people.
[00:14:23]  Where's Margo Robbie's podcast?
[00:14:25]  I want to hear Emma Stone's podcast.
[00:14:28]  You know, Emma's having panic attacks.
[00:14:32]  It's debilitating panic attacks that she's suffering.
[00:14:36]  I feel bad for her.
[00:14:37]  I don't like anxiety, but maybe you're too rich and you're too white and you're too pretty and you're too successful.
[00:14:43]  But it doesn't fill the hole.
[00:14:45]  Tim, it doesn't fill the hole.
[00:14:47]  When you get all that money and success, it doesn't fill the hole.

=== Giving Voice to the Voiceless (14:45) ===

[00:14:49]  You're actually more upset.
[00:14:50]  Good.
[00:14:51]  Suffer in silence.
[00:14:53]  Shut up about it.
[00:14:55]  Shut up then.
[00:14:56]  I understand that.
[00:14:58]  I understand that it doesn't fill a hole.
[00:14:59]  I do things all the time to fill a hole and they don't.
[00:15:01]  I get it.
[00:15:03]  But just enough already.
[00:15:04]  We don't need a whole story about this.
[00:15:07]  You have Joaquin Phoenix talking about animals.
[00:15:11]  Yeah, we should say, can you get his speech up?
[00:15:13]  This is the craziest thing.
[00:15:15]  It makes you want to like just be vapid, wealthy people.
[00:15:21]  That's what we want.
[00:15:23]  We want to worship you.
[00:15:25]  We want you to be pretty.
[00:15:27]  We want you to be, you know, lucky.
[00:15:31]  We want to believe those things can happen to us.
[00:15:34]  We don't want to be moralized.
[00:15:36]  You don't need to come in here and tell us everything that we're doing wrong.
[00:15:39]  But it's part of the problem.
[00:15:40]  Part of the real issue with, I think, a lot of these celebrities is they just don't.
[00:15:45]  There's no place for them to be human beings because all of their people are terrified.
[00:15:51]  They might say something that'll lose them a deal.
[00:15:53]  They can't be the spokesman for that face cream if they say something untoward.
[00:15:58]  Now, if I was working on the red carpet, I would turn around to Corcee Ronan and I would go, Sorcei, a lot of people don't know this, but you're a huge fan of Donald Trump.
[00:16:08]  You're a massive fan of Donald Trump, and you actually campaigned behind the scenes for Brexit.
[00:16:12]  Is that not true, Sorcey?
[00:16:18]  Sorcerer, you're from Ireland, a country where people shit in the street.
[00:16:22]  Don't you think, don't you think even if we're just to protect immigrants, you shouldn't let them in there, okay?
[00:16:29]  Country where people have a 70 IQ, Ireland, where my family comes from.
[00:16:34]  The goddamn Irish, the damned.
[00:16:37]  Do you have his speech?
[00:16:38]  Yeah, you want the transcript or you want the audio?
[00:16:40]  Read some of the transcripts, okay?
[00:16:43]  I'll start at the beginning.
[00:16:44]  God, I'm full of so much gratitude right now.
[00:16:47]  And I do not feel elevated above any of my fellow nominees or anyone in this room because we share the same love, the love of film.
[00:16:53]  Lie.
[00:16:54]  I mean, it's a lie.
[00:16:56]  I just want a thing.
[00:16:57]  I don't feel elevated.
[00:16:58]  How not?
[00:16:59]  You won.
[00:17:01]  This is the problem.
[00:17:03]  People can tell these people are full of shit immediately.
[00:17:06]  I don't feel elevated.
[00:17:08]  No, the people that aren't elevated are in their seats.
[00:17:11]  You've been elevated.
[00:17:13]  It doesn't matter how you feel.
[00:17:15]  It's again, the feeling stuff.
[00:17:18]  And this form of expression has given me the most extraordinary life.
[00:17:21]  I don't know what I'd be without it.
[00:17:24]  I know.
[00:17:24]  I've got a pretty good idea of what you'd be.
[00:17:26]  You'd be in a bar, you know, somewhere getting hammered.
[00:17:30]  Yeah.
[00:17:31]  I have a good idea, Joaquin, of where you'd be.
[00:17:34]  Nothing good.
[00:17:37]  But I think the greatest gift that has given me, oh, I think the greatest gift that it's given me, and many of us in this room, is the opportunity to use our voice for the voiceless.
[00:17:46]  Right.
[00:17:46]  Yeah.
[00:17:47]  And we say who they are and we choose who are the voiceless.
[00:17:51]  How great is that?
[00:17:53]  How great is calling large swaths of the American public voiceless?
[00:17:59]  They have voices.
[00:18:00]  They're using them all the time on things.
[00:18:02]  Then you shut them down on social media.
[00:18:04]  They use their voice and you go, you're a Nazi.
[00:18:06]  And you take their account away half the time.
[00:18:09]  A voice for the voiceless.
[00:18:11]  Who are these voiceless people?
[00:18:12]  All I'm inundated with all day is people's voices.
[00:18:16]  Facebook, Twitter, Instagram.
[00:18:18]  Nobody shuts the fuck up.
[00:18:20]  There's nobody in this country without a voice unless they literally don't have a voice.
[00:18:24]  Unless they literally had their throat removed with cancer.
[00:18:26]  There's nobody that doesn't have a voice.
[00:18:28]  In fact, I think people's voices are a little too loud.
[00:18:31]  The voiceless.
[00:18:33]  That shit might have worked 10 years ago.
[00:18:35]  There's no one who's voiceless anymore.
[00:18:37]  Bill Cosby's tweeting from a prison cell at Snoop Dogg.
[00:18:41]  Who is voice?
[00:18:43]  And I know that he's using it as like, you know, an expression to mean people that don't have the political power and economic power that he does.
[00:18:51]  But words mean things.
[00:18:52]  And when you start saying that people are voiceless and that you need to speak for these voiceless people, again, you've set up this entire thing that's wrong.
[00:19:01]  It's completely wrong.
[00:19:02]  You go, I am here to speak with the voiceless.
[00:19:06]  Who appointed you to speak for the voiceless?
[00:19:09]  Because you won a trophy because you pretended to be the Joker?
[00:19:14]  Why isn't it a scientist who speaks for the voiceless or a doctor or a philosopher?
[00:19:19]  Why in God's name is it you?
[00:19:21]  Who made you the fucking standard bearer?
[00:19:27]  Keep going.
[00:19:28]  I've been thinking a lot about some of the distressing issues that we are facing collectively.
[00:19:32]  Oh, good.
[00:19:34]  That's when you're watching and you're like, oh, good.
[00:19:37]  I think at times we feel, or we're made to.
[00:19:41]  Here's how good he was at Joker.
[00:19:43]  This is how good of an actor he is.
[00:19:44]  I know that's not true.
[00:19:46]  I know that you're not spending a ton of time thinking about these issues because you did a phenomenal job in that fucking movie.
[00:19:51]  And you can't, you know, Serena Williams and Venus, you just can't spend like Serena Williams is not sitting around thinking about trade.
[00:19:59]  It's not happening.
[00:20:00]  I'm telling you right now, Venus Williams, whichever one's still relevant, fuck off.
[00:20:06]  I don't care.
[00:20:07]  No, it's the other one.
[00:20:09]  Shut up.
[00:20:09]  They're both fine.
[00:20:10]  The point is this.
[00:20:11]  I'll beat both of them.
[00:20:12]  I was at my grandfather.
[00:20:14]  I used to play tennis in Muttown, Long Island.
[00:20:16]  Perhaps you've heard of it.
[00:20:17]  He had a tennis court on his property.
[00:20:19]  Okay.
[00:20:20]  And I would play tennis too.
[00:20:21]  Okay.
[00:20:22]  In a classy way.
[00:20:25]  I think at times we feel, or we're made to feel, that we champion different causes.
[00:20:30]  But for me, I see commonality.
[00:20:32]  I think whether we're talking about gender inequality or racism or queer rights or indigenous rights or animal rights, we're talking about the fight against injustice.
[00:20:40]  We're talking about the fight against the belief that one nation, one people, one race, one gender, or one species has the right to dominate, control, and use and exploit another with impunity.
[00:20:52]  I think we've become very disconnected from the natural world.
[00:20:55]  And many of us, what we're guilty of.
[00:20:57]  Hey, Joaquin, guess who's guess who's suspect number one who's been a little disconnected from the natural world?
[00:21:03]  Now he's going to talk.
[00:21:04]  By the way, this flows in.
[00:21:05]  This is what I love.
[00:21:06]  The disconnected from the natural world will now flow into how no one's supposed to eat animals.
[00:21:10]  What have you ever seen?
[00:21:12]  Have you watched any nature documentary ever, any show ever on nature?
[00:21:17]  Nobody in the natural world is handing each other trophies.
[00:21:20]  There's no bear getting up at a podium and going, I am a voice for the voiceless.
[00:21:26]  I am here to give a voice for the like.
[00:21:30]  What are you even saying?
[00:21:31]  The beginning of that is all like, you know, Bard College, which is the Columbia School for Women.
[00:21:38]  And I'm not saying that it's because they're women, but Bard College freshman year paper that was handed to him before he got on stage.
[00:21:48]  Continue.
[00:21:51]  There's many great women that are very smart in this country, by the way.
[00:21:54]  I'm going to name five.
[00:21:58]  Barbara Bush, because she knew her husband was involved in the JFK assassination.
[00:22:02]  She helped cover it up.
[00:22:04]  I will tell you why.
[00:22:05]  That's great.
[00:22:06]  It's a great thing.
[00:22:07]  She's a very smart woman.
[00:22:09]  Tana Mongo Mogo.
[00:22:12]  She's an Instagram influencer from Las Vegas who married Jake Paul in a fake wedding.
[00:22:17]  And I'm a fan of her.
[00:22:18]  I don't know why, but I stand her.
[00:22:20]  I don't know why.
[00:22:20]  I like her.
[00:22:21]  She's got the big tits, the fake face, the fake lips, but there's something about her I like.
[00:22:25]  There's something I like people that come out of Vegas.
[00:22:27]  It just seems like everyone born in Vegas should die.
[00:22:30]  So when someone makes it out of Vegas, I like it.
[00:22:31]  And I like that she's selling us lip gloss and big tits.
[00:22:34]  That's what we get.
[00:22:35]  So I like her.
[00:22:36]  So Barbara Bush, Tana.
[00:22:40]  I don't know anyone else now.
[00:22:41]  And I can't do the whole episode.
[00:22:43]  I can't, I can't.
[00:22:43]  It's going to take me 40 minutes to do that.
[00:22:45]  I thought you were going to say Michelle Carter at some point.
[00:22:48]  No, because Michelle Carter just got lucky.
[00:22:51]  Yeah.
[00:22:52]  She just got lucky.
[00:22:54]  She was a devious bitch who told her boyfriend to get back into that car.
[00:22:58]  And after that documentary, I was over him, but I was, I was over her, but I was over him.
[00:23:04]  I'm over him.
[00:23:05]  It's another good-looking guy who's like, I just want to die.
[00:23:08]  And then she's like, die, die.
[00:23:10]  I'm over him.
[00:23:11]  I'm over his family.
[00:23:12]  I'm over HBO giving documentaries to this horse shit when some white kid gets killed.
[00:23:17]  Shut the fuck up.
[00:23:19]  I mean, enough already.
[00:23:20]  There's black people getting shot in the CVS.
[00:23:22]  Give them a documentary.
[00:23:23]  Who cares?
[00:23:25]  I'm sick of this shit.
[00:23:26]  It's a small town.
[00:23:27]  It's a small.
[00:23:28]  Everything on Netflix and HBO is about a small town that's being eaten alive by something.
[00:23:33]  Well, let it get eaten then.
[00:23:34]  Enough.
[00:23:35]  Sick of this shit.
[00:23:37]  Michelle Carter.
[00:23:38]  Where's my fucking special?
[00:23:39]  You got specials on HBO with a trailer's like, I don't do stand-up.
[00:23:43]  I just like driving around in a car.
[00:23:46]  Yeah.
[00:23:47]  Ugh.
[00:23:48]  Go on.
[00:23:49]  What we're guilty of is an egocentric worldview, the belief that we're the center of the universe.
[00:23:55]  We go into the natural world and we plunder it for its resources.
[00:23:58]  We feel entitled to artificially intimidate a cow.
[00:24:01]  And when she gives birth, we steal her baby.
[00:24:04]  How are the people, how are the people in the developing world going to eat, Joaquin, without some fusion of science and agriculture?
[00:24:15]  How are people in the third world going to eat, dummy, that can postmate vegan avocado toast to their house like you probably do?
[00:24:27]  And some terrified open-minded comedian has to go past your gate and hand you something?
[00:24:37]  Okay.
[00:24:37]  Bernie Sanders should execute all of these people, and I will support him.
[00:24:42]  Everyone knows that I'm a Tom Steyer guy.
[00:24:44]  I stand stire.
[00:24:45]  Steyer is Steyers is the candidate to win.
[00:24:48]  And I only say that because I don't know who he is.
[00:24:51]  And I won't know.
[00:24:52]  I won't know who Steyer is until I write his name in on the ballot in 2020.
[00:24:58]  But if Bernie said, here's what we're going to do, we're going to reign in Wall Street.
[00:25:02]  We're going to take all the CEOs out and shoot them in the face.
[00:25:04]  And then we're going to go to Hollywood and shoot them in the face.
[00:25:07]  And then we're going to give Tim Dylan a show on HBO and not some contu convinced your boyfriend to kill himself because Tim Dylan's actually talented.
[00:25:15]  Stop giving murderers all the airtime.
[00:25:17]  Can we stop giving murderers all the airtime in this country now?
[00:25:21]  You got to murder someone in a small town to get a show.
[00:25:24]  Now, I'm sorry I didn't kill someone in a small American town.
[00:25:29]  You know what I mean?
[00:25:30]  Stephen Avery's had nine seasons of a show because he raped and murdered people in a town, you know, in a salvage yard.
[00:25:38]  So he gets a show.
[00:25:39]  But I can't get a show because I haven't done that.
[00:25:42]  I haven't slit someone's throat with a carburetor in Wisconsin.
[00:25:46]  I apologize because everyone wants to sit around and watch murder all day in a small town where people go, oh, you know, I'm so down and earthy.
[00:25:56]  And oh, it's just shook up the whole town.
[00:26:01]  Continue.
[00:26:01]  I apologize.
[00:26:03]  And when she gives birth, we steal her baby, even though her cries of anguish are unmistakable.
[00:26:08]  Then we take her milk.
[00:26:09]  These people are all for late-term abortion.
[00:26:12]  They're all for late-term abortion.
[00:26:13]  They're like, we stole the cow's baby.
[00:26:16]  You don't mind if women take their baby and throw it out of the window at Cedar Sinai because it gets in the way of a book that they're writing.
[00:26:24]  Again, no consistency here.
[00:26:26]  I would love, I would love if he got up on stage, grabbed the trophy, went, I love death.
[00:26:31]  Thank you.
[00:26:32]  And just walked off stage.
[00:26:33]  I would clap and I'd go, fuck yeah.
[00:26:36]  Fuck yeah.
[00:26:37]  Consistency.
[00:26:38]  I stand styer.
[00:26:39]  Stire stand.
[00:26:41]  Then we take her milk.
[00:26:42]  That's intended.
[00:26:42]  Are you in?
[00:26:43]  That's Tom Steyer's logo.
[00:26:44]  Are you in?
[00:26:45]  It's like a bunch of seventh graders about to vandalize their gym, having a powwow.
[00:26:50]  Are you in?
[00:26:51]  It's literally the stupidest logo I've ever had, but he's for structural reform, which isn't real and doesn't.
[00:26:56]  It's just a coupling of words I've always found hilarious.
[00:26:59]  Structural reform.
[00:27:01]  Oh, so we're going to, it will also reform the structure of it.
[00:27:04]  Good.
[00:27:05]  Keep going.
[00:27:05]  I apologize.
[00:27:08]  Then we take her milk that's intended for her calf and we put it in our coffee and our cereal.
[00:27:12]  And I think we fear the idea of personal change because we think that we have to sacrifice something to give something up.
[00:27:19]  But human beings at our best are so inventive and creative and ingenious.
[00:27:23]  And I think that when we use love and compassion as our guiding principles, we can create, develop, and implement systems of change that are beneficial to all sentient beings and the environment.
[00:27:34]  Now, I have been, I have been a scoundrel in my life.
[00:27:37]  I've been selfish.
[00:27:38]  I've been cruel at times, hard to work with, and I'm grateful that somebody.
[00:27:42]  So now that's all over, that I'm a millionaire.
[00:27:44]  My selfish ways are done now that I have all the money in the world.
[00:27:48]  Now that I've done amassing money with the selfishness, I've decided to be a great person.
[00:27:54]  Chelsea Handler buys a house in Bel Air, calling that tiny Mexican guy on her show a nugget for five years, and then decides that she's Malcolm X when she has a house in Bel Air.
[00:28:07]  It's nobody on the journey decides.
[00:28:09]  Nobody has these revelations when they're broke, by the way.
[00:28:11]  Isn't that interesting?
[00:28:12]  Nobody has any of these revelations until they have a lot of money.
[00:28:15]  Yeah, there's something about sitting in a pool every day and watching Netflix documentaries about murder that makes you feel pretty damn lucky.
[00:28:22]  These people go, I'm pretty lucky.
[00:28:24]  I don't live in Ferguson, Missouri.
[00:28:26]  I'm pretty lucky.
[00:28:28]  And then they start telling everybody what to do and they start criticizing like, you know, oh, you know, we steal the baby from the cow.
[00:28:36]  We steal her baby.
[00:28:41]  It's the most insane.
[00:28:45]  We don't want to give up milk and our cereal.
[00:28:47]  I've been a scoundrel.
[00:28:49]  I'm grateful that so many of you in this room have given me a second chance.
[00:28:52]  And I think that's when we're at our best, when we support each other.
[00:28:56]  And give me a, that's when we're at our best.
[00:28:57]  We support me.
[00:28:59]  We give me another chance because I've been horrible and abusive to people on sets and I'm a dick.
[00:29:04]  But I also am a genius.
[00:29:06]  He's an amazing actor.
[00:29:07]  So when I treat people like shit because I'm talented, fine, there's some trade-off there.
[00:29:13]  I, you know, I'm very happy.
[00:29:14]  We're at our best when we forget about the scoundrel that I've been for my entire life and career.
[00:29:21]  We're at our best.
[00:29:23]  That's when we're all at our best.
[00:29:28]  When we support each other, not when we cancel each other out for past mistakes, but when we help each other to grow.
[00:29:33]  Right, Dan, you know what that means.

=== Supporting Each Other at Our Best (02:17) ===

[00:29:34]  Hey, don't dig too deep on old Joaquin.
[00:29:37]  Don't dig too deep on Joaquin.
[00:29:40]  I'm saying no more milk.
[00:29:42]  I'm on the thing.
[00:29:44]  I've been handed bullet points by a freshman at Columbia University to read here at the Oscars.
[00:29:50]  Don't go looking back for the many moments where I was a scoundrel.
[00:29:56]  None of the canceling.
[00:29:57]  Let's start the process of giving me more work and money because that's when we're at our best.
[00:30:03]  But when we help each other to grow, when we educate each other, when we guide each other toward redemption, that is the best of humanity.
[00:30:10]  When he was 17, my brother wrote this lyric.
[00:30:12]  He said, run to the rescue with love and peace will follow.
[00:30:16]  Man, did the wrong brother bite it?
[00:30:20]  Did the wrong brother check out, huh?
[00:30:23]  I'd love to have River back.
[00:30:26]  He'd probably be saying the same shit, but I don't know, at least more poetically.
[00:30:30]  I'm sorry.
[00:30:32]  I mean, just enough already with these people.
[00:30:34]  It's really, it's incredulous.
[00:30:38]  Like you watch it and it's not even funny anymore because they're so disconnected.
[00:30:43]  Like there was a period of time when it was funny when like Sean Penn would bring up like a Native American to accept the award from and they would start yelling about something.
[00:30:50]  It was kind of funny because you're like, yeah, these people were fucked over, right?
[00:30:53]  I mean, I don't know what's going to happen now, but this is at least something.
[00:30:57]  Now these people are just, you know, so he ended it with his brother's lyric.
[00:31:02]  How sweet.
[00:31:04]  How sweet.
[00:31:05]  We got to, we got to wrap and then we'll be back.
[00:31:10]  All right, everybody, we are back now.
[00:31:12]  We had to interrupt the show.
[00:31:13]  I had to do three stand-up comedy spots, two at the improv and one at the comedy store.
[00:31:19]  And then we had to go to Mel's drive-in and get two wellness shots and a waffle sundae.
[00:31:28]  I had a little bit of my cayenne pepper and ginger wellness shot.
[00:31:31]  It was not good.
[00:31:32]  So I opted to not be well.
[00:31:35]  Ben took his down.
[00:31:37]  He likes spice.
[00:31:38]  It's Texas boy.
[00:31:40]  I don't know what the fuck that was, but it was not for me that well in the shot.
[00:31:45]  I was very angry earlier about the Oscars, and I'm right about everything I'm saying, but we're calmer now.

=== Selling Jewelry Over the Phone (10:23) ===

[00:31:51]  We've all had our food.
[00:31:54]  Everybody is, we understand that, you know, people deal with all kinds of things.
[00:32:02]  There are people that are not trusting the process with my new business venture, which kind of is upsetting me.
[00:32:10]  Many people know that I'm a comedian.
[00:32:12]  We've kind of established that already.
[00:32:14]  But what people don't know is that's not my real passion.
[00:32:17]  My real passion has always been jewelry.
[00:32:20]  And I've seen the look on someone's face when you give them something that is special and unique.
[00:32:26]  And to me, what that is is a perfectly set stone, perfectly set stone.
[00:32:31]  It could be Topaz, could be one of the other ones.
[00:32:35]  And jewelry has been in my passion.
[00:32:37]  Now, a lot of people are like, they're not.
[00:32:40]  We have a mail order jewelry business called Jewels by Podcaster Tim Dylan.
[00:32:46]  A lot of people have given us a lot of money and are now getting angry at us because the jewels haven't showed up at their home for them to sell.
[00:32:53]  Now, this is the type of amateur bullshit that I expect from some of these people.
[00:32:58]  This is amateur hour.
[00:33:00]  Okay.
[00:33:02]  Number one, you don't need the physical jewels to sell.
[00:33:06]  You can get out there and you're selling a lifestyle.
[00:33:09]  You're selling an idea.
[00:33:11]  You're selling an identity.
[00:33:14]  So you're going to get the jewels.
[00:33:15]  They're coming.
[00:33:16]  But I fear for many of you because the complaints are so unnecessary.
[00:33:22]  And I just feel like a lot of you aren't taking it seriously.
[00:33:25]  You have one job when you sell jewels by podcaster Tim Dylan.
[00:33:30]  You have to convince people that they are not happy because they don't have the right jewelry.
[00:33:38]  And you also have to convince them that they need to sell jewelry for me and you and this whole company.
[00:33:46]  I'm trying to start a company here.
[00:33:48]  And a lot of people don't take me seriously.
[00:33:50]  I'm trying to start a goddamn company, an operation.
[00:33:55]  And I just feel like a lot of you are ungrateful because many of you have no idea how to be an entrepreneur.
[00:34:02]  And I am a businessman.
[00:34:03]  That's what I've been since I'm a little baby boy.
[00:34:06]  I've been a business boy forever in my whole life.
[00:34:11]  All of my existence has been business.
[00:34:14]  Crunching numbers, chopping the onions, making it work, fitting a square peg into a round, whatever.
[00:34:22]  The point is, I don't need your fucking ungrateful mouth.
[00:34:27]  Oh, the kid isn't here.
[00:34:28]  The jewel kit's not here.
[00:34:30]  Improvise, you stupid bitch.
[00:34:32]  Figure it out.
[00:34:33]  It's going to get there.
[00:34:34]  It's on its fucking way.
[00:34:36]  You're going to get it.
[00:34:38]  Also, we're coming up with the sales strategy because I realize that many of you need much more help than I had anticipated, which is okay.
[00:34:50]  I want to give you that help.
[00:34:52]  But many of you are not salespeople.
[00:34:53]  You're not closers.
[00:34:54]  I can hear it in your voices.
[00:34:57]  I can hear it in your emails that are very, that are rage-filled.
[00:35:01]  When you send me an email and you're like, I spent all this money.
[00:35:05]  I haven't been given any guidance or any help.
[00:35:07]  I don't even have the jewels.
[00:35:08]  Where are the jewels?
[00:35:10]  I'm telling everyone I'm selling jewelry for you and I can't even do it.
[00:35:13]  You know, all I hear is failure.
[00:35:16]  And I don't know, is that who you are?
[00:35:19]  Is that who you want to be?
[00:35:21]  That's not who I want to be.
[00:35:22]  That's not what I am.
[00:35:24]  So we're doing a seminar in Arizona, Hilton, or Marriott.
[00:35:32]  We're going to see.
[00:35:33]  And it's going to be three days.
[00:35:35]  It's going to be a three-day intensive sales training seminar.
[00:35:38]  We're going to train you on the product.
[00:35:39]  You got to get trained on the product.
[00:35:41]  Then you got to get trained on the strategy.
[00:35:44]  And then once you have the product and the strategy, you're good to fucking go.
[00:35:48]  Okay.
[00:35:49]  Product plus the strategy, sales strategy.
[00:35:54]  Okay.
[00:35:54]  Now I'm going to show you.
[00:35:56]  This is an example.
[00:35:58]  And again, you're not going to be at the level I'm at for a very long time.
[00:36:01]  Maybe never.
[00:36:02]  But if you listen to me, I've invited Ben to lunch.
[00:36:06]  Ben is someone I have not seen in a very long time.
[00:36:08]  I've invited him to lunch by messaging him on Facebook.
[00:36:11]  We do a lot of our ads on Facebook.
[00:36:14]  Stay away from Twitter.
[00:36:16]  Stay away from Instagram.
[00:36:20]  Stay away from, God forbid, TikTok.
[00:36:22]  Stay on Facebook.
[00:36:23]  What I like about Facebook is that Zuckerberg, they're not trying to verify everything on there.
[00:36:30]  They're just letting it fly, which I think is very important for a small business that you're starting.
[00:36:36]  So I message Ben and I want to get lunch with him.
[00:36:38]  Now, I don't bring up Jules by podcaster Tim Dylan in the message.
[00:36:42]  I just reconnect with him authentically.
[00:36:45]  And he agrees to have lunch with me at the local diner.
[00:36:50]  Now we've done some of our bullshitting.
[00:36:54]  And now it's the time when I'm going to pounce.
[00:36:57]  The word is pounce like a puma would, like a big cat.
[00:37:00]  Have you ever seen a big cat fuck something up with his paw?
[00:37:04]  That's what we're doing, but we're helping people.
[00:37:07]  Do you understand that?
[00:37:09]  I'm helping him, but because he is so lost, I need to paw him like a large cat would to help him.
[00:37:19]  Now, so this is the time when I'm going to do it.
[00:37:23]  Huh, this lunch has been very good.
[00:37:25]  I've enjoyed it.
[00:37:26]  It was great.
[00:37:27]  Yeah, it's very good.
[00:37:28]  It's so good.
[00:37:28]  It's very good.
[00:37:29]  I enjoyed, I like rye bread.
[00:37:32]  Me too.
[00:37:33]  It's wonderful.
[00:37:34]  So nice to see you.
[00:37:35]  I haven't seen you since high school.
[00:37:37]  How's things?
[00:37:39]  It's pretty good.
[00:37:40]  You know, things could be better, though, not going to lie.
[00:37:45]  Well, let me tell you a story.
[00:37:49]  Do you want to hear a story?
[00:37:50]  You have time for a story?
[00:37:51]  I'd love to hear one.
[00:37:52]  I have nothing to do.
[00:37:53]  When I was a young child, I became obsessed with jewelry.
[00:37:59]  I would steal it.
[00:38:01]  I would wear it.
[00:38:03]  And I would sell it.
[00:38:05]  And even though looking back on that now, that seems immoral.
[00:38:08]  What it did was give me a real understanding of the market, the market for jewels.
[00:38:15]  I have an opportunity for you.
[00:38:19]  I have a company right now that I haven't told anybody about because I'm still trying to decide who's worthy about knowing about it.
[00:38:27]  It's called Jules by Podcaster Tim Dylan.
[00:38:32]  Now, I see your face and you're surprised and you're shocked.
[00:38:35]  And I think maybe you feel a little lucky.
[00:38:38]  Do you feel, you seem to feel a little lucky?
[00:38:41]  You're not wrong to be lucky.
[00:38:43]  What I want you to do is I want you to go into your community.
[00:38:48]  I want you to go to your family, your friends, people who trust you, people who you've built rapport with over your entire life and sell them jewelry that I have provided for you to sell them.
[00:39:03]  I get my jewelry from the best jeweler.
[00:39:06]  I won't tell you where.
[00:39:08]  But have you seen the movie Uncut Gems?
[00:39:10]  Yeah.
[00:39:11]  Him.
[00:39:16]  There's nothing like the look on someone's face when you marry them to a perfectly set stone.
[00:39:22]  Many people aren't happy in their life.
[00:39:24]  They're fat and they're on heroin.
[00:39:28]  And the reason that this is the case is because God is dead and the country is shit now.
[00:39:36]  Even though it's kind of good, it's still shit.
[00:39:42]  But one thing that always glitters brightly is a jewel.
[00:39:46]  And everybody wants it.
[00:39:48]  That's why, do you remember Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs?
[00:39:53]  Yeah.
[00:39:54]  What were the dwarfs doing?
[00:39:56]  They were mining for little jewels.
[00:40:00]  That is the oldest story in America.
[00:40:02]  Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
[00:40:04]  Really?
[00:40:05]  Yes.
[00:40:06]  So in the beginning, there were jewels.
[00:40:08]  There will always be jewels.
[00:40:10]  And when you, you have to make people understand how lucky they are to be in the unique position of being sold jewelry over the phone or in person at their house.
[00:40:28]  Because you say, you could take a trip, Mrs. Miller, when I go into a sale, I go, hello, Mrs. Miller.
[00:40:36]  You could go anywhere and buy jewelry, but you're not buying it from a trusted name and you're not buying it from somebody that has a passion.
[00:40:45]  So what are you really doing?
[00:40:47]  You're being stupid.
[00:40:49]  And if you're stupid, you're going to fail.
[00:40:54]  But I don't fail.
[00:40:55]  I win because I'm not stupid.
[00:40:57]  I'm smart.
[00:40:59]  My jewels are bright.
[00:41:01]  They shine.
[00:41:03]  Remember the rap song, Shine Like the Diamond?
[00:41:07]  Shine Bright Like a Diamond.
[00:41:08]  Shine Bright Like a Diamond.
[00:41:10]  That's not the way it goes, but I like the way I'm doing it a little better.
[00:41:14]  Shine bright like a diamond.
[00:41:19]  The best thing about these jewels is I'm not only selling them to you, I'm selling them to you so that you can sell them to other people.
[00:41:24]  So you're trying to help me.
[00:41:26]  I want to help you.
[00:41:28]  I want to help you create a revenue stream.
[00:41:30]  I don't want you to have to get up and work a nine-to-five job like some dumb pig.
[00:41:38]  I want you to be able to create your own business and your own opportunities.
[00:41:41]  I want you to have multiple revenue streams.
[00:41:43]  I want you to have a sales strategy that works for you.
[00:41:46]  I want you to put your tentacles into the community and choke people very softly so that they understand that jewels by podcaster Tim Dylan is the fucking thing that is going to be the thing that's going to happen.
[00:42:02]  Another thing I want to touch on is that Aaron Hernandez doc was so stupid and people in this country are so incredibly stupid that when everyone was like, it's mind-blowing.

=== The Stupidity of Documentary Viewers (04:30) ===

[00:42:15]  You have to watch it.
[00:42:16]  It's so mind-blowing.
[00:42:17]  The people in the documentary are so dumb.
[00:42:19]  Aaron Hernandez, of course, is the guy is a closeted gay guy who kills the guy or whatever.
[00:42:25]  You know how it is.
[00:42:26]  And everybody was like, in the documentary, they're like, how could he do it?
[00:42:32]  He killed someone and then he goes and plays football.
[00:42:34]  It's like, hey, idiot, athletes kill people.
[00:42:38]  We know this.
[00:42:39]  None of it's fascinating.
[00:42:41]  We know this.
[00:42:41]  They kill people.
[00:42:42]  They beat people.
[00:42:44]  He beat their wives.
[00:42:46]  I can't believe he sat it all in front of him.
[00:42:49]  I can't believe he do this.
[00:42:50]  Yeah, rich people kill people all the time.
[00:42:54]  How is this shocking?
[00:42:56]  When you hear that, that's mind-blowing and then you watch the documentary, you realize how fucked we are as a country.
[00:43:01]  We don't learn any lessons here.
[00:43:03]  We're like goldfish in this country.
[00:43:05]  We have no memory.
[00:43:06]  We cannot retain any piece of information.
[00:43:10]  We start at zero every fucking day here.
[00:43:13]  I can't believe you watch that documentary, all these people are like, it doesn't make any sense.
[00:43:18]  He's successful and rich and he just killed somebody.
[00:43:22]  How does it happen?
[00:43:23]  And then he goes and plays football like it didn't happen.
[00:43:27]  Yeah.
[00:43:28]  Yeah, that's what people do.
[00:43:31]  I don't understand what's shocking about it.
[00:43:35]  It's just so sad.
[00:43:38]  What election, I mean, there's 20,000 arenas, 20,000 seat arenas being filled up so people can watch puppet shows.
[00:43:49]  What election, folks, is going to help here?
[00:43:52]  I mean, I'm trying to, I mean, I don't understand.
[00:43:56]  There's 20,000 people that file in an arena to see two puppets argue with each other.
[00:44:02]  I'm not throwing, you know, whatever.
[00:44:05]  You could fill in who the comic is.
[00:44:07]  They make a lot of money, a lot more than me.
[00:44:09]  But when you see 20,000 people laughing hysterically at a puppet, what do you think it's going to look like here?
[00:44:20]  What country do you think we're living in?
[00:44:23]  Are you aware of where we are and who's in the little houses and in the cars?
[00:44:31]  I mean, they want to look at puppets.
[00:44:34]  They want to listen to puppets argue with each other.
[00:44:41]  Puppet shows are what I liked when I was three.
[00:44:45]  When I was three years old, I thought puppet shows were fun because there was a little thing at my school.
[00:44:51]  It was a puppet theater.
[00:44:52]  And the little puppet came up out of the little theater and they had a fun show.
[00:44:58]  I got over that by three and a half.
[00:45:02]  I was done with it.
[00:45:03]  I said, I don't like puppet shows anymore because I bought puppets.
[00:45:08]  Your parents would get you puppets.
[00:45:09]  This is what happens.
[00:45:10]  This is the natural reaction if your mind has not been completely like shattered.
[00:45:18]  You get the puppet, you buy the puppets, you play with the puppets for a few hours.
[00:45:21]  You go, oh, this kind of sucks.
[00:45:23]  I get it.
[00:45:24]  It's a puppet.
[00:45:25]  And then you're done.
[00:45:26]  And then you move on.
[00:45:28]  But there are large swaths of the population, millions and millions of people who still enjoy a puppet.
[00:45:43]  I mean, so, I mean, I'm not trying to say, I don't want to be better than people.
[00:45:49]  I don't want to be that guy.
[00:45:50]  But at a certain point, when everybody's like in politics, all these people are doing debates.
[00:46:00]  We're going to structurally reform the...
[00:46:03]  What?
[00:46:05]  They're watching puppet shows.
[00:46:09]  How this country doesn't have a dictator already is amazing.
[00:46:14]  I'm amazed that we don't have a dictator already with what people, where people are mentally in this country.
[00:46:26]  People are mentally broken in this country.
[00:46:30]  Their minds are broken.
[00:46:32]  They've been polluted with sugar and fat and drugs and booze and cheap entertainment.
[00:46:42]  And they like puppet shows.

=== Why Politics Is a Puppet Show (02:07) ===

[00:46:46]  You're going to talk to them about climate change?
[00:46:48]  Have the puppet do it.
[00:46:52]  I mean, I mean, have a puppet moderate the debate.
[00:47:02]  Folks, I don't know what you think is going to happen.
[00:47:04]  Good, listen, Bernie Trump, good, whatever.
[00:47:08]  Bernie's got great points.
[00:47:10]  I'm a big fan of people having health insurance.
[00:47:12]  I really am.
[00:47:12]  I know some people of you are upset at me about that.
[00:47:15]  I also, on the other flip side, don't know if he'll be able to get it done.
[00:47:18]  I know where we're living.
[00:47:20]  You know, I know in order to get anything done in this country, he's got to go into the woods and convince a bunch of people in hoods in the middle of the forest.
[00:47:27]  It's a good idea.
[00:47:30]  You know, he's got to convince a bunch of people barbecuing human beings, you know, that it's a good idea that we keep pre-existing conditions in.
[00:47:43]  And I know that can be challenging.
[00:47:45]  But I also am deeply skeptical of the ability for change because I've met people and I've spoken to the people and I just don't know, you know, what, you know, I mean, I remember I was in rehab with a kid.
[00:48:06]  I've talked about this before.
[00:48:08]  We got out of rehab and he invited me to his girlfriend's house or his house.
[00:48:13]  His girlfriend was there.
[00:48:15]  And he wanted to watch a Jeff Dunham special.
[00:48:17]  Now, I think Jeff is talented.
[00:48:19]  I've never met Jeff.
[00:48:20]  You know, all the disclaimers that whatever, you know, who cares?
[00:48:23]  Fucking Jeff Dunham.
[00:48:25]  I'm like, well, I'm going to go on the road with Jeff Dunham.
[00:48:27]  I'm going to open up.
[00:48:28]  I dress up like a big puppet.
[00:48:30]  Talk about Disney kidnapping your kids.
[00:48:32]  I don't think that's going to fly.
[00:48:34]  But I'll give all the disclaimers.
[00:48:36]  You know, Jeff's great.
[00:48:36]  He's got a lot of money.
[00:48:37]  He's talented.
[00:48:38]  Whatever.
[00:48:38]  God love him.
[00:48:39]  God, God, you know, hey, boo, baboo.
[00:48:43]  They wanted me to watch a Jeff Dunham special and they said, our favorite puppet is Peanut.
[00:48:47]  And I said, what?
[00:48:49]  I didn't really know.
[00:48:51]  I knew Jeff is a ventriloquist, but I didn't know.

=== Life as a Bowel Movement (05:28) ===

[00:48:53]  Like, I didn't know people got that invested in the puppet.
[00:48:56]  I thought it was maybe like dirty puppet shit, like dark puppet.
[00:49:01]  You could have fun with puppets, right?
[00:49:03]  I guess.
[00:49:03]  I don't know.
[00:49:05]  But when I went to this house and I watched it with them and I watched how excited they were getting and they're going, and when Jeff brought out Peanut, they went nuts.
[00:49:12]  They started clapping on the couch.
[00:49:14]  I said, I looked at this kid and I went, you should do heroin.
[00:49:18]  Like you should go back to doing drugs.
[00:49:21]  That was probably a better life for you than sitting here and having your mind numbed.
[00:49:28]  And they just laughed so hard at this puppet.
[00:49:32]  And I realized that for most people, life, like for most people, for a lot of human beings out there, I don't know how many people.
[00:49:43]  Let's just say far too many.
[00:49:46]  Okay.
[00:49:47]  For far too many people, life is a bowel movement.
[00:49:53]  You know, it's just like they don't have, they just are existing on earth and they don't think too much about anything going on around them.
[00:50:10]  They don't have the mental faculty to comprehend what is going on.
[00:50:14]  They do not understand what is happening.
[00:50:17]  And then the people that do have those mental faculty and do understand what's happening tend to poison everyone else.
[00:50:26]  And the reason for that is because they meet them, like the Bushes, the Clintons, they meet all the people.
[00:50:31]  They go shake their hands.
[00:50:32]  They do all these events and they go, yeah, they're watching puppet shows.
[00:50:38]  So why not kill people, poison people, start wars?
[00:50:44]  You know, these people are watching peanut.
[00:50:50]  I mean, so, I mean, I'm not trying to say that we don't have a lot of bright people here, but the average American, like the average American, and this is why I could never run for anything, that in my past and present and future.
[00:51:08]  But the reason I could never run for anything is because I go, the average American is the problem.
[00:51:15]  Like the average American who wants to watch the puppet show and just and just like they just I mean, you look at the people that are on a cruise ship and they just want to eat and just float.
[00:51:36]  They just want to eat and fart and float.
[00:51:39]  That's what a cruise is.
[00:51:41]  It's a bunch of disgusting people that want to just sit on a boat and watch garbage comedians, garbage music, garbage entertainment, stuff their faces with food, pull into some port, go buy a knickknack, go home and put it on their refrigerator, okay, and then go watch a puppet show.
[00:52:08]  I mean, give them free college.
[00:52:19]  They're not going to go.
[00:52:21]  They won't go.
[00:52:24]  What are you going to do?
[00:52:24]  Force them to go with a gun to their head.
[00:52:27]  You're going to put the military, you're going to drive them in trucks.
[00:52:32]  Give them everything.
[00:52:34]  Cancel the student debt.
[00:52:36]  Cancel it.
[00:52:37]  Do what you want.
[00:52:42]  You know.
[00:52:46]  They don't want to know.
[00:52:47]  People just talk.
[00:52:48]  They don't care.
[00:52:53]  They don't even know why they're.
[00:52:54]  No one knows why they're on Earth.
[00:52:55]  So like the idea that most people are going to try to waste any time figuring out anything, they just go.
[00:53:03]  They shrug.
[00:53:04]  They just want to feel things.
[00:53:06]  Their minds are dislocated from their bodies.
[00:53:10]  They're impressed by light shows.
[00:53:12]  You know, you go to Vegas, you sit down in a restaurant.
[00:53:14]  They got light shows because everybody, yeah, you know, I went down to a restaurant in Vegas.
[00:53:20]  There was a frog singing and it's like, there's something fun about it because you're in Vegas.
[00:53:25]  But like, this is what people want.
[00:53:29]  They want the puppets.
[00:53:31]  That's why politics is a puppet show.
[00:53:34]  They're all puppets.
[00:53:35]  People are like, why are all our politicians puppets?
[00:53:37]  It's like, because you like actual puppets.
[00:53:42]  You like actual puppets.
[00:53:43]  So why wouldn't the politicians be puppets?
[00:53:46]  I mean, fast cars.
[00:53:52]  We like to see cars drive fast.
[00:53:55]  You go fast.
[00:53:57]  You can't go fast.
[00:54:00]  Like to see people beat the shit out of each other.
[00:54:03]  You know, that's it.
[00:54:06]  It's what it is.
[00:54:08]  We just, you know, want to see porn where people are beaten within an inch of their life, strangled, choked, defecated on.
[00:54:17]  You can't come unless blood's being drawn.

=== Politicians Are Just Puppets Too (14:45) ===

[00:54:22]  You know, I mean, this is what people are doing out there.
[00:54:29]  They're eating cinnamon roll pancakes at Denny's or 1,900 calories.
[00:54:34]  I get it.
[00:54:36]  They're eating salted caramel banana cream pancakes.
[00:54:39]  That doesn't even sound good.
[00:54:42]  Serve with a pitcher.
[00:54:43]  I mean, Ben read it on a Patreon episode.
[00:54:45]  Serve with a pitcher of caramel.
[00:54:48]  Pitcher.
[00:54:50]  Not a side, a picture of it.
[00:54:53]  You could drown your pancakes in caramel and then go see the puppets.
[00:55:02]  You know?
[00:55:03]  People tell you proudly in America, reading's not for them.
[00:55:06]  They go, reading's not for me, proudly.
[00:55:09]  Long Island's famous found.
[00:55:11]  Long Island is the only place people take an intense pride in their ignorance.
[00:55:15]  It might not be the only place, but it's one of them.
[00:55:17]  They just laugh in your face and go, I don't know anything about that.
[00:55:21]  Like if you start saying something intelligent, they'll laugh at you.
[00:55:26]  I don't know anything about that.
[00:55:28]  Big smile on their face because they think they've won and they have.
[00:55:31]  They've won.
[00:55:33]  They've won because they don't know.
[00:55:36]  And then one day, you know, it all, the lights just go black anyway.
[00:55:42]  It just all goes black.
[00:55:43]  The end.
[00:55:45]  Produced by Dick Wolf.
[00:55:47]  It's all over.
[00:55:50]  You know?
[00:55:51]  So it's not that I'm like politically.
[00:55:54]  I think Sanders is really interesting.
[00:55:57]  I thought Trump was going to be interesting.
[00:55:58]  I think Trump's somewhat less interesting than I think.
[00:56:00]  I think the response to Trump is interesting because these fucking psychopaths on the other side cannot effectively counter him at all.
[00:56:08]  And it just proves that they're as wantonly, the Democratic Party is as wantonly corrupt as anything.
[00:56:14]  And they're trying to steal it from Bernie and they're trying to give it to Buddha Judge because he works for the CIA or whether he knows it or not.
[00:56:21]  And he probably does.
[00:56:22]  It's just what it is.
[00:56:24]  Okay.
[00:56:26]  And watching this in real time, watching the biggest human trafficking case with huge political implications, watching that completely go away and get out of the news cycle is fucking fascinating.
[00:56:40]  Watching this guy get killed, watching that all be covered up, watching them try to steal the election from Bernie in fucking real time.
[00:56:47]  I don't care if you like Bernie or not.
[00:56:48]  What's happening right now is fucking historic.
[00:56:51]  You're watching the ruling class of this country losing power and trying, scratching desperately any way they can to wrest and put power back in the control of the billionaire cartels of Wall Street, Hollywood, big tech, big pharma, all of these fucking things.
[00:57:12]  These elite organs of opinion, whether it's the Washington Post or MSNBC or the New York Times, they're all trying to diminish Bernie's accomplishments.
[00:57:26]  They did it with Trump.
[00:57:27]  They've been doing it.
[00:57:28]  As soon as Trump got elected, there was a coordinated attack on him from every which way.
[00:57:34]  Not to say some of it wasn't justified.
[00:57:36]  He's a shady guy, but it was over the top.
[00:57:39]  These things are kind of invented.
[00:57:41]  This collusion Russian narrative never played out.
[00:57:44]  And the amount that it was hyped, you said that the president was an agent of a foreign power for two years and then turned around and went, oops, guess who were wrong?
[00:57:55]  It's absurd.
[00:57:57]  And they're doing the same thing to Bernie in the primaries.
[00:57:59]  You have to realize that.
[00:58:01]  Doing the exact same thing.
[00:58:04]  They're throwing everything they can at him.
[00:58:06]  Whether you fucking think his economic policies are reasonable or not, understand the moment historically that you're living in.
[00:58:14]  Many of you do not grasp it yet because things are still good.
[00:58:18]  There's still Waffle Sundays and puppet shows.
[00:58:21]  I don't know that that'll be around forever.
[00:58:24]  And I know that when there's still Waffle Sundays and puppet shows, I like the former.
[00:58:29]  Many of you like the latter.
[00:58:32]  But because there's still Waffle Sundays and puppet shows, nobody has fully taken time to appreciate the time and place in history you are in now where you're seeing the cracks of a civilization become too big to hide and the fractures are becoming too deep and too meaningful to ignore.
[00:58:50]  And it's the national security state, it's big money players, and the people in this country are turning on the government.
[00:59:00]  They are turning on the established order.
[00:59:03]  They have been fed a diet of bullshit and lies for a very long fucking time.
[00:59:09]  We've seen horrible abuses of women, children, human rights abuses, all of this shit coming to head in the last 24 to 48 months.
[00:59:22]  And people are flipping the fuck out.
[00:59:25]  People's minds have melted.
[00:59:26]  The QAnon cult is people that really can't handle how much real shit is fucked up.
[00:59:33]  So they've kind of invented this subterranean war that Trump is having with these deep state people.
[00:59:39]  And he's going to, you know, bring justice to all of these people and whatever, all these people that they think are involved.
[00:59:44]  And, you know, and there's no real proof for that.
[00:59:48]  There's no evidence for that other than conjecture.
[00:59:51]  And that's not to say that there aren't slimy, shady people in Hollywood and Washington.
[00:59:56]  I've talked about that as much as anyone on this fucking planet.
[00:59:59]  I mean, maybe not as much as anyone on the planet because I want to have a little fun and laugh a little bit too.
[01:00:03]  I just can't fucking talk about that every fucking minute.
[01:00:07]  But, you know, we get how fucked it is.
[01:00:09]  And I get the, you know, people wanting there to be this war happening.
[01:00:14]  I've never, I've never not wanted it to happen.
[01:00:16]  I hope it is happening.
[01:00:17]  I just haven't seen any evidence of it.
[01:00:19]  And if I don't see any evidence of something, then I turn into Rachel Maddow sputtering on about Russian bots and Putin like a lunatic.
[01:00:26]  And I refuse to let my mind be melted, even though it's a mind-melting time.
[01:00:32]  It's a mind-melting time.
[01:00:34]  Trump is the president.
[01:00:37]  You know, that's wild in and of itself.
[01:00:42]  Alex Jones is one guy in Austin, Texas that had a news, you know, organization, one guy that became so threatening, rightly or wrongly, whatever you want to say.
[01:00:57]  And all the tech companies kind of got together and de-platformed him and took all of his, you know, he was kind of unpersoned, whatever you want to say, disappeared.
[01:01:10]  And it's a crazy time that you have one person with that reach that becomes that much of a threat to whoever, that they got to, you know, take quick action to get rid of him.
[01:01:27]  And you might agree.
[01:01:28]  You might go, hey, he's fucked up things and Sandy Hook, blah, blah, blah.
[01:01:31]  None of this is, we're not having moral arguments about all these things.
[01:01:34]  What I'm telling you is just sit back and think about how inconceivable any of this was even 10 years ago that these types of things were happening.
[01:01:43]  Because again, this is the result of the independence of media.
[01:01:53]  It's starting to become a real problem for people in power.
[01:01:58]  It's becoming a real devastating trend for them.
[01:02:04]  And they're going to have to do everything they can.
[01:02:07]  And they're starting with apps and the app's not working.
[01:02:11]  Well, the app doesn't work.
[01:02:13]  The app doesn't tabulate the votes.
[01:02:16]  And then they report that Pete and Amy came in second and third and they barely mentioned that Bernie won.
[01:02:22]  And then they'll tar him and feather him and say this about him and that about him.
[01:02:26]  And they'll, you know, arrange it so, or hopefully they won't, but they're going to try as hard as they can to get their boy in the White House, their gal, whoever.
[01:02:36]  You know?
[01:02:38]  Same reason Trump, you know, dropped that big bomb in Syria as soon as he got in.
[01:02:42]  He's playing the game.
[01:02:43]  It's just what it is, the mother of all bombs, the Moab.
[01:02:47]  You know, we're defeating ISIS.
[01:02:48]  You know, if you still believe that, I got, you know, I don't know what to tell you.
[01:02:53]  I got some jewels to sell you.
[01:02:56]  I mean, ISIS, all these things that don't exist that we pretend and we make them up and we trot them out when we need them.
[01:03:03]  ISIS, you know, yeah, they're using the Islamic State.
[01:03:08]  They're horrible.
[01:03:09]  They're terrorists.
[01:03:10]  They're bad.
[01:03:11]  They're bad boys and girls over there.
[01:03:13]  We got to go set them straight.
[01:03:15]  We got to go set them straight.
[01:03:18]  And then we go do that.
[01:03:19]  And then, you know, six months later, they're back again because I guess they're the most powerful fighting force in the world because I thought we were, but somehow they evaded us or they went underground and they came back up.
[01:03:29]  And it's like, you know, what a fun little whack-a-mole situation we've got going on there in the Middle East.
[01:03:35]  And it'll truly never end.
[01:03:37]  And Bernie's really not going to do much about it either because he's been, he's talked about the military industrial complex.
[01:03:43]  And I respect that, but it's just, how do you unwind that?
[01:03:45]  You just don't, folks.
[01:03:46]  You don't really unwind that.
[01:03:47]  And you people out there that think you can unwind it, understand that you can unwind it, but it's not going to be good.
[01:03:55]  It's going to be bad.
[01:03:57]  It's not.
[01:03:57]  And I'm not saying don't do it because it's morally an imperative that we don't do it.
[01:04:02]  But understand the amount of money that these people are making.
[01:04:07]  They're going to fight back.
[01:04:09]  It's going to be a fight.
[01:04:10]  And listen, you might win.
[01:04:11]  You won't.
[01:04:13]  But understand it's going to be bad.
[01:04:15]  They're going to do bad things.
[01:04:19]  I'm not saying it's not a worthwhile endeavor, but understand what's happening.
[01:04:23]  A lot of you have this pie in the sky view of things that things are just going to change peacefully and playfully.
[01:04:29]  And everyone's going to be like, all right, now is your turn.
[01:04:33]  It's not going to happen.
[01:04:36]  These people are not going to give up power without a tremendous fight.
[01:04:43]  They're not going to give up the money.
[01:04:45]  They're not going to give up control.
[01:04:48]  And you're not taking it from them.
[01:04:50]  It's not going to be violence in the street.
[01:04:52]  It's not going to be antifa.
[01:04:54]  It's not going to be your black backpack and your hat and you're throwing an egg.
[01:04:57]  It's Gavin McGinnis.
[01:04:58]  None of that matters to these people.
[01:05:00]  They don't give a shit because they have the police and the military and all the technology and all the money and all the resources and all the land and all the corporations and all the tech.
[01:05:14]  What you have is Twitter.
[01:05:17]  You have Twitter.
[01:05:19]  You go, I don't like you, me.
[01:05:23]  Now, if we have some massive demonstrations, some massive civil disobedience, if we have a guy like Bernie Sanders, maybe he's a transformational figure.
[01:05:30]  Maybe he's not.
[01:05:31]  I don't know.
[01:05:31]  I'm skeptical about how anybody, but understand what this shit is, what it is at its core, who we are.
[01:05:39]  Stop forgetting who we are.
[01:05:41]  Ray, I was on the phone right today.
[01:05:43]  He brought up a great point.
[01:05:43]  Who do these people think we are out there?
[01:05:47]  You know, we got to get back to where, what?
[01:05:50]  What?
[01:05:52]  Get back.
[01:05:53]  This country is a scam that ran out of steam about 50 years ago.
[01:05:58]  It's been propped up by cheap credit and foreign wars.
[01:06:03]  And it's going to fall.
[01:06:05]  And it's going to be bad.
[01:06:07]  Not immediately.
[01:06:08]  And not, you know, but it's coming.
[01:06:12]  It's coming.
[01:06:13]  And those fat behemoths know down deep it's coming.
[01:06:18]  That's why they all file into the arena and watch the puppets.
[01:06:24]  Because maybe they're smarter than us.
[01:06:27]  Maybe they're actually the smart ones.
[01:06:30]  Maybe they just want the raw fucking form of what this really is.
[01:06:36]  Why dress it up with Pete Budig and Amy Klondike Barr, whatever her name is?
[01:06:42]  Why dress any of this shit up?
[01:06:44]  Why not just go back to it in its original form?
[01:06:47]  Furry puppets.
[01:06:50]  Because that's what it is.
[01:06:52]  Entertainment, bread and circus spectacle.
[01:06:56]  So maybe I'm the idiot that tries to make sense of it.
[01:07:00]  And they're the people that just file in and watch the puppets.
[01:07:06]  You know?
[01:07:06]  Because those puppets are probably a hell of a lot funnier than Pete Buddha Judge.
[01:07:11]  Maybe they're not.
[01:07:14]  As always, I leave this broadcast with great hope for mankind.
[01:07:20]  We've got a bright future ahead in this country, and don't let anybody tell you we don't.
[01:07:24]  Don't let anybody tell you we don't.
[01:07:26]  Believe in yourselves and others.
[01:07:28]  Invest in your communities.
[01:07:29]  Invest in yourselves.
[01:07:30]  Push yourselves to the limit.
[01:07:31]  You are who you've been waiting for.
[01:07:33]  Greta Thunberg is going to lead us all.
[01:07:35]  It's all fine.
[01:07:36]  It's all great.
[01:07:37]  The water's going to not run, swell up, and everybody's going to be fine.
[01:07:41]  Buy that little house by the coast.
[01:07:43]  Doesn't matter.
[01:07:43]  It's all good.
[01:07:45]  Go on the date with that woman with fucking kleptomaniac who has a Viking addiction.
[01:07:53]  Don't worry about it.
[01:07:53]  Nobody's perfect.
[01:07:54]  Just bite it off.
[01:07:56]  Bite off more that you can chew and choke it down.
[01:07:58]  It's America, goddamn it.
[01:08:00]  Get your cinnamon roll pancakes and go watch the puppets.
[01:08:04]  It doesn't matter.
[01:08:05]  You're lucky to be here.
[01:08:07]  You're lucky to be here at the end.
[01:08:08]  And if you don't think it's the end, it might not be the end, but you're lucky to be here in the previews for the end.
[01:08:15]  Because we're previewing the end.
[01:08:17]  The previews are watching the previews.
[01:08:19]  We haven't started to watch the movie yet.
[01:08:21]  That happens when the dollar is no longer the world's reserve currency.
[01:08:24]  That happens when the pandemics break out and the plagues, when coronavirus comes here, you know, because that's all that is.
[01:08:30]  It's just, you know, Harvard scientists, you know, China's doing bio warfare and something slips out in the Wuhan province and blah blah blah.
[01:08:37]  You know, it is what it is.
[01:08:40]  They're cooking up your death in a lab somewhere.
[01:08:43]  They're cooking up your death in a lab and you're watching the puppets.
[01:08:50]  And they'll put little masks on the puppets to make it fun when we're all in fucking hospital beds.
[01:08:57]  They'll put little corona masks on the puppets for all of you.
[01:09:00]  And you'll like it.
[01:09:01]  You'll enjoy it.
[01:09:02]  You'll love it.
[01:09:04]  Because you're a big retard.

=== Wasted Oxygen on You (02:18) ===

[01:09:12]  oxygen, air and water has been wasted on you.
[01:09:44]  Nei, jeg tror vi har blitt hjemmesøkt.
[01:09:46]  Altså, det er noen som prøver å komme seg ut av veggen her.
[01:09:48]  Er det noen som er nettopp av deg, hva?
[01:09:49]  Nei, ikke som jeg vet.
[01:09:51]  Ja, men da er Bridget Jones da.
[01:09:53]  Hæ?
[01:09:54]  Ja, eller, du vet ikke, altså, serier, filmer, dokumentarer, sånne ting da.
[01:09:59]  Åja.
[01:10:00]  Alt for mange vet ikke at de har TV2Play i veggen.
[01:10:03]  Eller i TV-pakken da.
[01:10:04]  Sjekk selv på TV2Play.no, veggen.
[01:10:07]  Hei Mikkel.
[01:10:08]  Hei, Gustav skal bli med hjem i dag.
[01:10:10]  Kan han spise med oss?
[01:10:11]  Ja, selvfølgelig.
[01:10:12]  Hva er det til middag?
[01:10:12]  Eh, grønnsakssuppe.
[01:10:14]  What?
[01:10:15]  Vi kan ikke spise det.
[01:10:16]  Vi er jo carnivore.
[01:10:17]  Alle har carnivore nå, pappa.
[01:10:19]  Åja.
[01:10:19]  Ja, det er i hvert fall i utgangspunktet enkelt med frukt og grønt i hverdagen.
[01:10:23]  Med frisk og billig hos Rema 1000 får du nemlig alltid lave priser på frukt og grønnsaker.
[01:10:27]  Blant annet 1 kilo guldrot til kun 19,90 og et utvalg hel melon til bare 14,90 hver kilo.
[01:10:32]  Det er slutsummen på kassalappen som teller hos Rema 1000.
[01:10:35]  Altid lave priser.
[01:10:39]  Hei, du har kommet til Aschim, gjenferd og ånde utrivelse.
[01:10:42]  Eh, vi tar spøk på alvor.
[01:10:44]  Nei, jeg tror vi har blitt hjemmesøkt.
[01:10:46]  Altså, det er noen som prøver å komme seg ut av veggen her.
[01:10:48]  Er det noen som vet av hva det var?
[01:10:50]  Nei, ikke som jeg vet.
[01:10:51]  Ja, men da er Bridget Jones da.
[01:10:54]  Hæ?
[01:10:55]  Ja, eller, du vet ikke, altså, serier, filmer, dokumentarer, sånne ting da.
[01:11:00]  Åja.
[01:11:00]  Alt for mange vet ikke at de har TV2 Play i veggen, eller i TV-pakkerne.
[01:11:04]  Sjekk selv på tv2play.no veggen.
[01:11:07]  Tjeger terriblechau.
[01:11:07]  Tjeger pelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspelspels vuvet.
[01:11:08]  You know, we're trying to get more ads here, but you know, the people that get us ads seem to be very relaxed about the ads.
[01:11:17]  They all seem to be like, oh, yeah.
[01:11:21]  There's no killers out there.
[01:11:22]  I mean, I'm sure there are killers in the podcast ad space.
[01:11:25]  We don't know any of them.

=== Getting Nutty with Fan Ads (04:05) ===

[01:11:26]  These are all fans of comedy, which means they're derelicts.
[01:11:29]  They're degenerates.
[01:11:31]  You're a fan of comedy.
[01:11:32]  You're a degenerate.
[01:11:33]  Most of the time.
[01:11:34]  Not all of the time.
[01:11:35]  Not fans of me.
[01:11:36]  Fans of comedy.
[01:11:37]  You know?
[01:11:38]  Like the thing.
[01:11:39]  Like to be fans of specific people is fine.
[01:11:41]  But to say you're a fan of comedy means you should be hit by a car.
[01:11:45]  Okay.
[01:11:45]  I didn't want to giggle.
[01:11:49]  I'm a fan of comedy.
[01:11:50]  I'm a return.
[01:11:51]  Yeah.
[01:11:52]  You fan of com what does that even mean?
[01:11:54]  I'm a fan of com a fan of laughing.
[01:11:55]  We're all a fan of laughing.
[01:11:56]  Shut up, stupid.
[01:11:57]  Not you, everyone.
[01:12:00]  So, what I mean is that if you want to advertise on the show, please just contact us, okay?
[01:12:07]  Email fucking the show.
[01:12:08]  Do we have an email for the show?
[01:12:10]  The Tim Dillon show at gmail.com.
[01:12:12]  Yeah, to email us and not with horse shit.
[01:12:14]  If you have a real ad, I don't care what it is.
[01:12:16]  We have no moral qualms about anything here.
[01:12:19]  I will advertise for a dictator.
[01:12:22]  Literally, I will advertise if the U.S. is going to invade your country and you're a genocidal dictator, email me and I'll try to build up some good, good, good karma for you on this side of the pond.
[01:12:34]  I'll try to get some some good thoughts out there in people's heads about what you're doing.
[01:12:40]  Email me, Ben Salman.
[01:12:42]  No, but he's our best friend.
[01:12:44]  We love Saudi Arabia because that's who we did 9/11 with.
[01:12:50]  Have you been to Chili's recently?
[01:12:52]  Chili's yum yum yummy.
[01:12:55]  You want your ribs?
[01:12:56]  Come and get your ribs.
[01:12:58]  But I want my baby back.
[01:13:01]  I mean, it's a real that's the country.
[01:13:04]  I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs.
[01:13:08]  Come to Chili's.
[01:13:09]  Come to Chili's and then go watch a movie.
[01:13:13]  Go watch a movie in a big parking lot after you filled yourself with chilies.
[01:13:18]  Maybe Joaquin Phoenix will be in it.
[01:13:21]  Oh, boy, it's late.
[01:13:22]  We're getting a little nutty, folks.
[01:13:24]  This isn't me.
[01:13:25]  It's the Waffle Sunday talking.
[01:13:27]  We shouldn't have had it.
[01:13:28]  I should have had the weldness shot.
[01:13:29]  How's that welding shot sitting?
[01:13:30]  It's decent.
[01:13:31]  It's not bad.
[01:13:32]  Shut up, you bitch.
[01:13:33]  Trying to make me feel bad.
[01:13:34]  I didn't have mine.
[01:13:37]  I took one sip of that.
[01:13:38]  I'm like, the fuck, I'm wellness shot at Mel's diner.
[01:13:41]  It's the insane wellness.
[01:13:48]  We don't have much else to say here, folks.
[01:13:54]  All right.
[01:13:58]  We don't guarantee results.
[01:14:02]  Jewels by Podcast, Tim Dylan.
[01:14:04]  Full website being launched.
[01:14:06]  We have a reel coming out of real people talking about how this has literally changed our life.
[01:14:12]  How literally before they started selling jewelry, they were living in the street and they were bathing in their own piss.
[01:14:20]  But then they started selling jewels, they started pissing on others.
[01:14:24]  That's what America is about.
[01:14:26]  One day you're bathing in your own piss.
[01:14:28]  The other next day, you're pissing on someone else.
[01:14:32]  Because that's what this country is about.
[01:14:34]  Piss and puppets.
[01:14:39]  I want to go see the puppet.
[01:14:45]  Yeah, 9-11's fake.
[01:14:52]  Nobody worked in those buildings.
[01:14:54]  They weren't even there.
[01:14:56]  I'm kidding.
[01:14:57]  I'm joking.
[01:14:58]  I'm joshing you.
[01:15:00]  I'm pulling your chain.
[01:15:02]  We're just pulling your chain.
[01:15:07]  But it was fake.
[01:15:08]  Probably.
[01:15:09]  I don't know.
[01:15:09]  What are you going to do?
[01:15:10]  Buy the dick pill, please.
[01:15:12]  That's all we're doing here, selling your cockpills.
[01:15:14]  I just ramble in between cockpill heads.
[01:15:18]  Just put your mushy mashed potato cock in somebody.
[01:15:23]  But before you do, chew some of these blue chews, you animal.
[01:15:30]  Good night.