The Tim Dillon Show - 157: 157 - Cancel Your Family
Aired: 2019-07-21
Duration: 01:17:47


=== Earning Respect on the Porch (01:29) ===

[00:00:00]  And now, Tim Dylan is going to hell.
[00:00:23]  We're live.
[00:00:23]  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tim Dilloner's Going to Hell.
[00:00:26]  My name is Tim Dylan.
[00:00:27]  Devin Cost is with us.
[00:00:29]  What's up, Tim?
[00:00:29]  New co-host.
[00:00:31]  Very high marks.
[00:00:32]  People like him.
[00:00:34]  Most of them like you.
[00:00:35]  Most.
[00:00:36]  Yeah, I don't know.
[00:00:36]  You know, it's the same.
[00:00:38]  Well, you know, you got to earn their respect.
[00:00:40]  I got to earn the respect.
[00:00:41]  You got to earn it.
[00:00:42]  Reddit doesn't just give it.
[00:00:44]  You got to earn it.
[00:00:45]  I got to earn it.
[00:00:46]  You got to work for it.
[00:00:47]  We're here.
[00:00:48]  We're on the beautiful porch.
[00:00:49]  We're thinking about doing a studio.
[00:00:51]  Do we do a studio?
[00:00:52]  Do we stay on the porch?
[00:00:53]  I don't know.
[00:00:54]  Does the porch make us look like we can't afford a studio?
[00:00:57]  I think people like the porch.
[00:00:58]  I know.
[00:00:59]  I don't know.
[00:01:01]  It's, you know, everyone else has a studio.
[00:01:04]  People message me.
[00:01:04]  They're like, everybody else has a studio.
[00:01:06]  Why don't you have a studio?
[00:01:08]  And I can't give them an answer to that.
[00:01:10]  And I'm like, well, I like being on the porch.
[00:01:12]  Yeah.
[00:01:12]  So weigh in, weigh in out there, studio or porch.
[00:01:17]  Should we get a studio or should we do a porch?
[00:01:21]  Should we show up, fight Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen, and then take over their studio?
[00:01:28]  Because we will do that physically.

=== Studio vs. The Beautiful Porch (15:11) ===

[00:01:30]  I'm not talking about a battle of wits.
[00:01:32]  I'm talking about we go in their studio and fight them.
[00:01:36]  Okay, really?
[00:01:36]  All right.
[00:01:37]  Yeah.
[00:01:37]  Okay.
[00:01:38]  Yeah.
[00:01:39]  You're going to send me first to see how it goes.
[00:01:42]  You're going to do a lot of the heavy lifting up front.
[00:01:45]  Throw me at them.
[00:01:45]  As the Marines would do.
[00:01:46]  I'm going to tactical.
[00:01:48]  I will fall back.
[00:01:50]  I'm going to judge your progress and then assess what's going on.
[00:01:55]  Okay.
[00:01:56]  I believe this.
[00:01:57]  I think I would lose a fight.
[00:01:59]  If me and Brendan Schaub fought, I would lose.
[00:02:02]  I think so, too.
[00:02:03]  Yeah.
[00:02:03]  Would you lose?
[00:02:04]  I think I would as well.
[00:02:05]  Oh, we'll shoot him.
[00:02:06]  That's true.
[00:02:07]  You'll have to kill him with a weapon.
[00:02:09]  Yeah.
[00:02:09]  I guess.
[00:02:09]  Who cares about their studio?
[00:02:13]  Theo would be a little bit more of a fair fight, but he might still win because he's got that.
[00:02:19]  He's got southern wrestling gators.
[00:02:22]  Yeah, no, he'll.
[00:02:24]  Yeah.
[00:02:25]  We're not going to talk about Jeffrey Epstein for the whole episode.
[00:02:28]  You know, I know that people don't like people.
[00:02:30]  A few people, a lot of people love it.
[00:02:32]  By the way, some people love it.
[00:02:33]  They don't want anything else.
[00:02:35]  Some people right now are in like hog heaven with this story and they don't want to talk about anything else.
[00:02:40]  They're just fucking in.
[00:02:41]  They're happy.
[00:02:42]  They're bringing it up at like family barbecues.
[00:02:45]  They're sitting there.
[00:02:47]  But I get that it gets a lot, but it's just funny to me.
[00:02:50]  It's funny to me because a friend of mine said to me recently, he's like, we got to talk about other stuff.
[00:02:54]  You got to talk about other.
[00:02:55]  And it's like, you know, you have two presidents, two, two American presidents that are eerily close to a guy who's running an international human trafficking ring.
[00:03:09]  And people are like, but you know what?
[00:03:11]  You got to talk about other stuff.
[00:03:14]  You can't spend all your time on it.
[00:03:16]  It would be like going to Thanksgiving dinner.
[00:03:18]  Your brother is being murdered in the kitchen.
[00:03:21]  Your sister is being raped in the bathroom.
[00:03:24]  And you're like, I get it, but can we have dessert?
[00:03:27]  I want to have pie.
[00:03:28]  I like pie.
[00:03:30]  I just, I don't understand.
[00:03:31]  So then I had to explain to this friend why it's bad that the president might be involved with the human trafficking ring.
[00:03:39]  You have to explain.
[00:03:40]  You do have to explain it to people in this country.
[00:03:43]  You do have to sit down and go, this is not good.
[00:03:46]  And here's why you should care that we might be run by some very, very bad people.
[00:03:55]  You got to break it down for them.
[00:03:57]  It's not obvious to most people walking around why it should affect them.
[00:04:02]  Why the abuse of children should affect that?
[00:04:07]  They don't get it.
[00:04:07]  They're walking around like, I don't understand.
[00:04:09]  But what does this have to do with, especially in LA?
[00:04:12]  Everything's about them.
[00:04:13]  Like, it's about me.
[00:04:14]  It's about me and my, I want to just manifest the life that I want.
[00:04:21]  Right.
[00:04:21]  Like, I was talking to somebody the other day in Manhattan.
[00:04:24]  I'm like, it's getting bad.
[00:04:26]  And we're standing in the middle of Manhattan.
[00:04:27]  They're like, no, I think it's like it's good, dude.
[00:04:30]  Things aren't that bad.
[00:04:31]  I'm like, we're in the middle of the wealthiest city in the country.
[00:04:37]  We're in the middle of it.
[00:04:38]  Outside of this city, people are crawling on the street.
[00:04:43]  They're living in tents.
[00:04:44]  They're gnawing each other's flesh off.
[00:04:46]  Yeah.
[00:04:47]  Just a few miles away.
[00:04:48]  And people are like, I think it's fine.
[00:04:51]  I think you got to relax.
[00:04:53]  But it's LA.
[00:04:54]  People don't want to talk.
[00:04:54]  People want to do yoga.
[00:04:55]  They want to eat avocado toast.
[00:04:57]  You want to talk about avocados and dating.
[00:04:59]  Everybody loves dating.
[00:05:00]  It's a lot of dating podcasts.
[00:05:02]  Dating's very complex and interesting.
[00:05:04]  Right.
[00:05:04]  Because you don't, there's a certain type of woman out there.
[00:05:07]  She's got a few pounds on.
[00:05:10]  She lives in a major city.
[00:05:11]  Maybe she celebrates Hanukkah.
[00:05:13]  And this type of woman has had a cushy life.
[00:05:17]  And her only real challenge, maybe other than like dyslexia or something, is finding a guy to fuck.
[00:05:23]  She wants a Prince Charming to put his dick in her and they're going to have babies.
[00:05:29]  And her entire life from when she fucking gets wet for the first time till she traps one of these poor losers is about stalking and finding this guy.
[00:05:39]  And she needs podcasts about it.
[00:05:43]  And it's everything.
[00:05:44]  It's Friday night they go out.
[00:05:46]  Saturday night they go out.
[00:05:47]  They got to find the guy.
[00:05:48]  I got him.
[00:05:49]  And then Sunday, they got and dashed.
[00:05:52]  Why was they like?
[00:05:53]  And then so there's got to be podcasts that break down every millisecond of this interaction because it's fascinating.
[00:06:01]  And that's what really does well.
[00:06:04]  What really does well is if you can, bro, when do you text?
[00:06:07]  Do you text?
[00:06:08]  What do you text?
[00:06:09]  When do you text?
[00:06:10]  What are you text?
[00:06:11]  When you meet the parent, what's it like?
[00:06:13]  Now, people say to me, oh, fuck you, Tim.
[00:06:17]  You blow people in hotel rooms.
[00:06:19]  You get prostitutes.
[00:06:21]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:06:22]  And so you don't understand why dating is important.
[00:06:25]  You don't give a fuck about your family or their approval.
[00:06:28]  You don't live a wholesome life.
[00:06:29]  Yeah, fine.
[00:06:32]  Okay.
[00:06:33]  Correct.
[00:06:34]  Correct.
[00:06:35]  But still, enough with the dating all the time.
[00:06:40]  I get that I'm not, I understand that certain people need it more than I do.
[00:06:44]  Right.
[00:06:45]  I understand trying to suck off some financially desperate kid at NYU and then buy him fucking, you know, a filet of salmon so I can put my tongue in his ass is not.
[00:06:58]  I get a lot of people are like, oh, that's, we don't, we're, we're in a different world.
[00:07:02]  Like we want to have a good life.
[00:07:05]  Okay.
[00:07:06]  But enough.
[00:07:06]  Enough with that you're in your mid-30s and you can't find someone and you're enough with that.
[00:07:13]  Opposite.
[00:07:13]  I did that Wix ad about opposites.
[00:07:16]  I was like, good is bad now.
[00:07:17]  People don't realize good is bad.
[00:07:19]  Like fat is now thin.
[00:07:22]  And I said that in the Wix ad.
[00:07:24]  The energy that used to come with being thin now comes with being fat.
[00:07:29]  Like when you were thin, people used to be like, yes, bitch.
[00:07:33]  Now no one will say that if you're thin.
[00:07:35]  In order to get that reaction, you have to be three hunch.
[00:07:39]  You have to be knocking on 300 pounds to get people excited about you.
[00:07:43]  People are like, yes, bitch, you go, girl, you go girl used to be a hot chick in a little black dress walking around in the 80s or 90s.
[00:07:51]  Now you go girl is a fucking, they got to look like Thanos, you know?
[00:07:56]  You got to look like Thanos from the Avengers if you're a woman to get a yogurt.
[00:08:02]  Fattest thin.
[00:08:02]  We've transferred all the qualities from thin people to, that's why I have to lose weight because I don't want to be part of the fat.
[00:08:11]  It's not cool anymore.
[00:08:12]  Fat pride movement that's happening.
[00:08:15]  No, I'm abusing myself.
[00:08:17]  They're like, you're perfect.
[00:08:18]  I'm like, no, I hate myself and I want to die.
[00:08:21]  They're like, yes, bitch.
[00:08:23]  No.
[00:08:24]  No, this is wrong and I'm killing myself.
[00:08:26]  I'm wanting to kill myself.
[00:08:29]  No, you're just perfect the way you are.
[00:08:31]  There's no relationship between weight and health.
[00:08:33]  There is.
[00:08:34]  There is.
[00:08:36]  I can't breathe.
[00:08:37]  There is a relationship.
[00:08:40]  I mean, of course there's a relationship.
[00:08:43]  All these women, you hear them, these big, big beasts, and they sit down.
[00:08:47]  They can't even breathe.
[00:08:48]  And they're like, you're not my doctor.
[00:08:51]  Don't tell me what I should be.
[00:08:57]  They're like, okay.
[00:08:59]  I was in Long Island.
[00:09:00]  First of all, bagel guy is following me on Instagram.
[00:09:04]  Unbelievable.
[00:09:05]  What was your reaction when you saw Bagel Guy for the first time?
[00:09:09]  Seems about right.
[00:09:10]  How tall are you?
[00:09:11]  I'm 5'10.
[00:09:13]  You're 5'10.
[00:09:14]  Yeah.
[00:09:14]  Now, that is the height of most Hollywood actors.
[00:09:16]  People don't realize this.
[00:09:17]  Yeah, like short.
[00:09:18]  Most Hollywood actors are not six feet like I am, although I present much taller.
[00:09:22]  Most people go, you seem like you're more than six feet, you know, because you have a very domineering physical presence.
[00:09:28]  But you're 5'10.
[00:09:30]  Yeah.
[00:09:31]  Have you ever found that to be a problem getting chicks?
[00:09:33]  Not really.
[00:09:34]  No.
[00:09:34]  Because you have kind of that LA scuzziness that women like.
[00:09:38]  Yeah, I guess so.
[00:09:39]  Yeah.
[00:09:39]  Yeah.
[00:09:40]  He looks like deformed.
[00:09:41]  He has like a weirdly shaped.
[00:09:42]  He is not a good situation over there in Long Island with Bagel Guy.
[00:09:46]  It's not good.
[00:09:48]  You're doing much better.
[00:09:49]  You have that skater-ish slime ball, you know, but LA kind of, you look like you're like 12 still.
[00:09:56]  Right.
[00:09:56]  You have a beard.
[00:09:57]  Yeah.
[00:09:57]  That's what LA people look like.
[00:09:59]  They look like 15-year-olds with beards.
[00:10:01]  Yes.
[00:10:02]  That's what they look like.
[00:10:04]  That's what people in LA look like.
[00:10:07]  Everybody's messaging me.
[00:10:08]  They're like, you got to have on bagel guy.
[00:10:10]  And I'm like, do you?
[00:10:12]  Do we?
[00:10:13]  Bagel guy?
[00:10:14]  No, they're calling him bagel boss.
[00:10:16]  Bagel boss.
[00:10:17]  Okay.
[00:10:17]  Because he threw a fit.
[00:10:19]  Now, listen, I got to be honest with you.
[00:10:21]  I have thrown fits in not that bagel boss, but they own a chain.
[00:10:27]  I have had issues because there is no pride in the service of others.
[00:10:32]  When someone comes in and orders something and you're looking at a mongoloid across on the other side of the counter who could give a shit less about you.
[00:10:42]  And you're coming in and all you want, all you want is an egg over medium, not sunny side up, you dumb bitch, not fried to where the yolk is now chalky over medium, which is a perfectly gelatinous where the egg yolk is kind of like semen, where it runs a little bit down the, down the roll, but not fully.
[00:11:05]  Doesn't fall on the floor.
[00:11:07]  It's viscous, like nice semen.
[00:11:12]  But bagel boss is, you know, people are like, you got to have this guy on.
[00:11:16]  And I'm like, do we really have to create the world we're all going to hate?
[00:11:20]  You know, like the world where in six months he has a television show and everyone's like, how did this happen?
[00:11:25]  Right.
[00:11:25]  It's like, well, how did it happen?
[00:11:26]  Because oh, you fucks.
[00:11:27]  But he tapped into something with people.
[00:11:30]  People, there's a lot of men that are angry that are not getting pussy, that are not getting laid.
[00:11:35]  He's like a red pill guy, it feels like.
[00:11:38]  Well, I think he represents a lot of angry dudes out there that are unhappy.
[00:11:45]  And, you know, he kind of came out and he flipped out and he got tackled by a big guy at the end.
[00:11:54]  And this is people who like comment on it.
[00:11:56]  Here's the thing about Long Island.
[00:11:58]  That archetype of guy is a guy that I've seen my whole life, a guy that will start the fight and someone else finishes the fight.
[00:12:04]  That's a very long island.
[00:12:06]  What are you?
[00:12:07]  That's as Long Island as you get.
[00:12:09]  As Long Island as you get is a guy mid-sentence gets punched.
[00:12:14]  And then we'll spend the next week twisting the story so that somehow he's the victor.
[00:12:19]  He's like, there fight was six of them.
[00:12:22]  It's like, no, you started a fight.
[00:12:25]  No one did anything to you.
[00:12:26]  Like, and you got your ass kicked, but then people will kind of twist and turn it.
[00:12:30]  But what people don't realize about Long Island is of all the pockets of white trash on planet Earth, right?
[00:12:38]  Of all the collections of human garbage that exist, there is no collection that is as charmless and that has less redeeming qualities than the ones that live on Long Island.
[00:12:54]  They are not like folksy hill people.
[00:12:57]  They're not charming backwards hicks.
[00:13:00]  They can't do anything.
[00:13:02]  Like you meet some trash, maybe where like Theo's from, like in Louisiana, you're like, well, these people are wrestling gators.
[00:13:08]  They aren't living off the land or whatever.
[00:13:11]  Long Island people are, it's puzzling.
[00:13:14]  Not really a skill.
[00:13:15]  It's not a skill.
[00:13:16]  Yeah.
[00:13:16]  They're just loud.
[00:13:17]  They're disgusting.
[00:13:20]  The actual word is this.
[00:13:21]  I was in Taco Bell the other day.
[00:13:22]  I went to dinner at the Taco Bell Pizza Hut.
[00:13:25]  I have one family member left, my Aunt Donna.
[00:13:27]  She's the only one I like.
[00:13:28]  She's it.
[00:13:29]  My father and his wife are officially done after this weekend.
[00:13:32]  They're officially done for a while.
[00:13:34]  They get niced.
[00:13:34]  I'll tell you what happened.
[00:13:36]  I will go into this.
[00:13:37]  I want to talk to Taco Bell first.
[00:13:38]  Okay.
[00:13:38]  Because a lot of people are finding this message of leave your family and friends incredibly inspiring.
[00:13:45]  Literally.
[00:13:46]  People are messaging me every day and they're going, oh, you're the Gary Vee that I need.
[00:13:50]  For my whole life, I thought I had to stay loyal to my family and friends.
[00:13:54]  You do not.
[00:13:55]  Leave them.
[00:13:57]  Leave them.
[00:13:59]  And people are waking up to this reality that, like, you don't need these fuckers.
[00:14:04]  They're ruining your life.
[00:14:07]  They don't want you to succeed.
[00:14:09]  They don't want you to do better than them, especially if they're boomers.
[00:14:12]  No group of people has ever cared less about their children than boomers.
[00:14:17]  Nobody has ever been less available for their kids.
[00:14:20]  They are a deeply selfish group of people who've raped planet Earth.
[00:14:25]  Almost every problem we have can be traced to mom and dad boomer sitting on their fat asses watching Wheel of Fortune while the entire planet emolliates.
[00:14:36]  Mommy and daddy drinking wine on the phone with Aunt Sue.
[00:14:41]  Hi, Sue.
[00:14:43]  Where's my kid?
[00:14:44]  I don't know.
[00:14:45]  Hanging himself in his room.
[00:14:46]  How are you?
[00:14:48]  What's going on, Sue?
[00:14:51]  When you were growing up, you were always in somebody's house and his mother was always on the phone running her mouth with someone.
[00:14:57]  Like these people who couldn't be less present, couldn't give a shit.
[00:15:01]  This was not the era where we took the kids on the college tour.
[00:15:05]  What college you want to go to.
[00:15:07]  This was the era of TV, you know, eating shit, fast food, KFC.
[00:15:14]  Here's some fried chicken.
[00:15:16]  And you're going to watch television with dad and mom.
[00:15:20]  Okay.
[00:15:22]  So I'm in Taco Bell Pizza Hut because I wanted to have dinner.
[00:15:26]  And my Aunt Donna drove me there.
[00:15:28]  She, she doesn't want to partake.
[00:15:29]  So she's sitting in that car reading a book.
[00:15:31]  And I said, I'll just go in here and have dinner by myself because I don't need to dine with anyone else.
[00:15:37]  Do you go out alone ever?
[00:15:38]  You have a girlfriend out.
[00:15:39]  Do you go out alone?
[00:15:40]  Yeah, I do.
[00:15:40]  It's very empowering.
[00:15:43]  So it is.
[00:15:45]  It's very empowering.
[00:15:46]  And if you're listening to this You haven't gone out alone.
[00:15:51]  I used to go out alone all the time and I would sit at a bar and I would get hammered and I would eat and I would gorge myself with food and then I'd get back in my car and drive home plastered.
[00:16:02]  And it's a good, you feel like, man, I really own my life.
[00:16:06]  Right.
[00:16:06]  I really own my life.
[00:16:07]  You're in control of your own destiny.
[00:16:08]  I'm in control, you know.
[00:16:11]  And I was at Taco Bell Pizza Hut.
[00:16:13]  And I said to myself, this is the last time I'm going to have Taco Bell Pizza Hut.
[00:16:17]  Taco Bell, I talked to Andrew Santino about it.
[00:16:19]  He's like, Domino's isn't good.
[00:16:20]  Pizza's not good.
[00:16:21]  Taco Bell's not good.
[00:16:22]  I'm like, number one, shut the fuck up, you Hollywood elitist.
[00:16:28]  You're an elitist.
[00:16:28]  I'm a man of the people.
[00:16:30]  Yeah.
[00:16:30]  Okay.
[00:16:30]  Yeah.
[00:16:31]  Like George W. Bush.
[00:16:32]  Yeah.
[00:16:33]  Man of the people.
[00:16:35]  And the Taco Bell Pizza Hut, what makes it so good?
[00:16:38]  You don't have them out here.
[00:16:39]  Do they have Taco Bell Pizza Hut out here?

=== Taco Bell Pizza Hut Confessions (06:18) ===

[00:16:41]  No.
[00:16:42]  They have Taco Bell KFCs.
[00:16:44]  Interesting.
[00:16:44]  That's an interesting combo.
[00:16:46]  That's wild.
[00:16:47]  Yeah.
[00:16:48]  That's a wild person that does that.
[00:16:53]  That does a Taco Bell KFC.
[00:16:56]  Because that, what I like about the Pizza Hut combo, and I used to go Red Cump all the time, you have the warm, cheesy, gooey goodness of the, now they're not serving Supreme pizzas anymore because everyone's too lazy or whatever to put the put the green pepper on it.
[00:17:08]  It's a whole problem.
[00:17:09]  Fine, fine.
[00:17:10]  We can only do pepperoni.
[00:17:11]  Nobody's going to do Supreme.
[00:17:13]  Fine.
[00:17:13]  You know, I like the Supreme.
[00:17:15]  You get that little cardboard mushroom that was never a mushroom.
[00:17:18]  And you get like one of them.
[00:17:19]  Yeah.
[00:17:19]  And then you get a few green peppers.
[00:17:21]  You get like an onion that was on something else.
[00:17:24]  You know, it was like just take an onion from another thing and throw it on the pizza.
[00:17:28]  But they can't do the Supreme.
[00:17:29]  I always used to, I was a devotee of the Supreme and sausage that is made from like meat bits that they stir with water and make like clumped up meat things.
[00:17:38]  They don't have that.
[00:17:39]  So I just got a regular cheese.
[00:17:40]  What's nice about the Taco Bell pizza is you have the warm gooey pizza and you dunk it in the marinara sauce and then you have the cool, refreshing, kind of healthy Taco Bell.
[00:17:51]  You know what I mean?
[00:17:52]  Like you have like a healthy.
[00:17:53]  You do consider Taco Bell healthy.
[00:17:55]  When I started with you, he's very healthy.
[00:17:58]  I will have you killed.
[00:18:01]  I think it's very healthy and it is the healthiest fast food.
[00:18:04]  There's articles about it.
[00:18:05]  There's experts about it.
[00:18:07]  Thank you.
[00:18:08]  I'm not going to have them on the show, but the reality is Taco Bell is a very healthy alternative.
[00:18:12]  Okay.
[00:18:13]  Especially for boomers who don't want to raise your kids.
[00:18:15]  We ate that shit all the time because my parents did not cook.
[00:18:19]  They were too busy.
[00:18:20]  My father was too busy playing guitar in one of our spare rooms.
[00:18:25]  Okay.
[00:18:26]  Because it was about him.
[00:18:28]  He was trying to get his album together.
[00:18:31]  So we didn't cook dinner.
[00:18:33]  He would go in and strum his guitar.
[00:18:35]  And my mother would go take pills and teach swimming.
[00:18:40]  And I would just left to waste away in my room and with no dog.
[00:18:46]  Nobody got me a dog.
[00:18:48]  Oh, wow.
[00:18:48]  Okay.
[00:18:48]  Well, that's good.
[00:18:49]  Well, don't hold your breath waiting for grandkids.
[00:18:52]  How about that?
[00:18:54]  That's why I chose to become a gay cocaine addict because of the way that they reared me as a child.
[00:18:59]  I hope they're proud of themselves.
[00:19:01]  How's your album, Dad?
[00:19:02]  Is it good?
[00:19:03]  How's the song?
[00:19:04]  Is it good?
[00:19:06]  So do you enjoy it?
[00:19:13]  So it went from bagel boss to you hating your dad.
[00:19:16]  It's got angry.
[00:19:17]  I haven't even seen it.
[00:19:18]  It seems like there's a connection.
[00:19:19]  I've had it.
[00:19:19]  Well, I've had enough with boomers.
[00:19:21]  Lock them up.
[00:19:22]  Throw away the key.
[00:19:24]  Put the boomers in the ice camps.
[00:19:26]  Let the illegals in.
[00:19:28]  Let MS-13 in and get the boomers.
[00:19:32]  I'm done with the boomers now.
[00:19:33]  These fucking, they're all going to retire soon.
[00:19:37]  Good.
[00:19:37]  Light them on fire.
[00:19:39]  So, and I'll tell you why, but I'm in Taco Bell Pizza Hot.
[00:19:43]  This is my point.
[00:19:43]  I want to go back to Bagel Boss.
[00:19:45]  There's a morbidly obese woman with purple hair who is accosting the cashier.
[00:19:53]  And she goes, hey, hey.
[00:19:55]  And she's got another fat pig next to her.
[00:19:58]  Big fat pig with purple hair, another pig next to her.
[00:20:00]  Two big beasts.
[00:20:02]  And I walk up, you know, and now the whole counter is just a monument to bad living.
[00:20:08]  And we're, and it's a small Mexican cashier.
[00:20:11]  She's sweet, very efficient.
[00:20:13]  A good Taco Bell cashier runs a bell, runs the bell.
[00:20:17]  She goes in the back.
[00:20:18]  She's like, fuck you, because that's the job of there.
[00:20:20]  She's like, let's go, you know, and then you see everyone else kind of afraid of her.
[00:20:24]  And it's usually a woman that can run it, you know?
[00:20:27]  Yeah.
[00:20:28]  So this, this, this big, a purple-haired ape is complaining that there was sour cream on her burrito, and she requested that there not be sour cream on it.
[00:20:38]  And she's been a vegan for a year, almost a year, and now this has ruined her life because she ate sour cream.
[00:20:45]  And she's complaining to a friend.
[00:20:47]  She's going, I've been a vegan for a year.
[00:20:50]  I've been a vegan for a year, and I just ate sour cream and I ate a lot of it because I didn't realize it was in the burrito.
[00:20:55]  And she goes.
[00:20:57]  So the cashier's like, all right, I'll get you another burrito.
[00:20:59]  And then the cashier walks away and this vegan lady turns around and to a friend and goes, they don't even care.
[00:21:04]  This restaurant doesn't even care.
[00:21:06]  She called it a restaurant.
[00:21:07]  She goes, do they even care?
[00:21:10]  So this fat vegan monster, something out of monsters ink, is angry.
[00:21:16]  And she's like, I had a lot of it.
[00:21:18]  I didn't even know that there was something.
[00:21:19]  So I start.
[00:21:20]  So I don't give a fuck.
[00:21:22]  I said to her, I go, between you and me.
[00:21:26]  Say, between you and me.
[00:21:28]  First bite.
[00:21:28]  First bite of the seven layer.
[00:21:30]  I've had a seven layer.
[00:21:31]  First bite of the seven layer.
[00:21:34]  You tell me you don't taste the sour cream when you go in?
[00:21:37]  She goes, what?
[00:21:38]  I said, I'm just asking.
[00:21:40]  So we all slip up.
[00:21:42]  I said, I've given up dairy many times.
[00:21:44]  I'm here right now with everything on it.
[00:21:46]  It's cheese.
[00:21:49]  I get it.
[00:21:51]  Be honest.
[00:21:52]  You go into the seven layer.
[00:21:54]  You go into the seven layer.
[00:21:56]  You don't notice the sour cream.
[00:21:58]  She ate half the seven layer.
[00:22:00]  The bitch ate half the seven layer.
[00:22:03]  You don't, the cooling sensation is the sour cream.
[00:22:07]  It's a separate thing.
[00:22:09]  Everything else is whatever.
[00:22:14]  But apparently they, whatever it is, they got rid of the cheese or the sour cream is what threw her.
[00:22:19]  What's what fucked her up?
[00:22:21]  My point in that story is that if you take a camera on Long Island and point it in any direction and wait for 10 minutes, you will have a new viral garbage person.
[00:22:34]  You will have a new viral pig.
[00:22:37]  Right.
[00:22:37]  Okay.
[00:22:37]  Yeah.
[00:22:38]  Not a lot, would not take a lot.
[00:22:40]  You just need to point it in the direction of any human being.
[00:22:46]  Ordering something anywhere.
[00:22:48]  If you go to any place in Long Island where money is exchanged and goods are delivered, you will find something out of Lord of the Rings going crazy.

=== Viral Pig and Detention Center (14:24) ===

[00:23:00]  And I sat there and I enjoyed my meal in the Taco Bell.
[00:23:05]  What'd you get?
[00:23:06]  What did I get?
[00:23:07]  I got the Supreme Pizza with, and then I got a chicken quesadilla and a Baja chicken chaloopa.
[00:23:13]  That's the thing that's healthy to you, right?
[00:23:14]  The Baja.
[00:23:15]  Well, the Gordita is healthy.
[00:23:16]  The Chaloopa is the fried bread.
[00:23:17]  Right, the Chalupa is the fried bread.
[00:23:18]  So the Baja chicken gordita, I think, is healthy.
[00:23:21]  And you cross-examined a fat lady that well, she's essentially, she's lying.
[00:23:26]  The fat woman was trying to play a game.
[00:23:29]  Yeah.
[00:23:30]  And I wanted to let her know that I knew.
[00:23:33]  I know what game you're playing because her friend caught her.
[00:23:36]  She would have scarfed down that whole burrito.
[00:23:38]  She's not vegan.
[00:23:39]  No.
[00:23:39]  You're ass, you're vegan.
[00:23:41]  Shut up.
[00:23:42]  Okay.
[00:23:42]  She's a fat medical biller.
[00:23:44]  I don't know anything about her, but I guarantee you she's a fat medical biller, and she sits in a fucking office in an industrial park in Comac all day and harasses people who can't pay their medical bills who are dying.
[00:23:56]  Okay.
[00:23:56]  This is what this, okay?
[00:23:59]  And just like in a biblical sense, it will happen to her.
[00:24:02]  In a few years, she'll, you know, be wasting away somewhere, or she'll just have exploded or whatever.
[00:24:10]  And that'll, you know, she'll be getting the calls.
[00:24:12]  Long Island, here's the thing about Long Island.
[00:24:14]  After Hurricane Sandy happened, insurance companies who are the devil, like, let's be honest, they paid out too much money to certain like elderly couples.
[00:24:26]  So people on Long Island, certain Long Island comedians were telling me they did this.
[00:24:31]  Their job was to call up the elderly people that now, finally, after the hell of Sandy, the hurricane had ravaged their life.
[00:24:39]  They called the elderly people.
[00:24:41]  It wasn't only elderly people.
[00:24:42]  I think a lot of them were older people.
[00:24:44]  Their job was to call them up and threaten them and go, the insurance company paid out 30 grand more than they should have.
[00:24:50]  You owe us that money.
[00:24:52]  And if not, we're going to take you to court and put a judgment on your house.
[00:24:54]  Oh, man.
[00:24:55]  And do you know how many people were willing to do that in Long Island?
[00:24:58]  Thousands, thousands showed up for the job.
[00:25:02]  Thousands showed up for the job.
[00:25:03]  They go, We need you to browbeat elderly people who just got back in their house.
[00:25:09]  It's their first night in their new house since the hurricane.
[00:25:12]  Are you able to do that?
[00:25:14]  And man, they showed up en masse.
[00:25:17]  They showed up in mass to call up the greatest generation, the World War II generation, to call them up and go, you owe us 30 grand or we're going to take that brand new house from you.
[00:25:27]  You'll be right in the street.
[00:25:29]  And they would harass him.
[00:25:30]  This is, there is no more morally bankrupt place than Long Island.
[00:25:36]  Is the Wolf of Wall Street from Long Island?
[00:25:37]  Yeah.
[00:25:38]  Yeah.
[00:25:38]  Okay.
[00:25:38]  Long Island deserves Sandy was the very beginning of the biblical reckoning.
[00:25:51]  It was like the locusts.
[00:25:52]  That Long Island, Long Island deserves 10 of those things.
[00:25:56]  And the people that are listening right now from there, if they have any self-awareness, they're going, yeah.
[00:26:01]  Yep.
[00:26:03]  Yes, we do.
[00:26:04]  So let me tell you about my father, who now, him and his wife have bought a second home in Long Island.
[00:26:09]  They like it so much.
[00:26:10]  They want more property because it's good.
[00:26:13]  Right.
[00:26:14]  Where's he getting his money from?
[00:26:15]  He's a failed musician, right?
[00:26:17]  No one knows.
[00:26:18]  And he's a wine salesman.
[00:26:20]  I guess he's doing fine.
[00:26:21]  I do love my father.
[00:26:22]  I don't hate my father.
[00:26:24]  People listening to the show know he is and blah, blah, blah, blah.
[00:26:27]  But he's part of a generation that is responsible for destroying civilization.
[00:26:33]  And he, and I, and so what am I going to let him off the hook?
[00:26:36]  Because we're related?
[00:26:37]  No.
[00:26:38]  So I call, so he texted me photos all him and his wife just bought a cottage.
[00:26:43]  Okay.
[00:26:44]  Yeah.
[00:26:45]  White caps.
[00:26:47]  They just bought a cottage and eat.
[00:26:48]  I'm not going to say where, but wherever it is, it's by the water.
[00:26:52]  You know?
[00:26:54]  It's by the water, but it's, it's by the Long Island Sound, which is bathwater.
[00:26:57]  It's not the ocean.
[00:26:59]  Rocky Beach.
[00:27:01]  Long Island Sound is for having a house on it and having a sailboat.
[00:27:04]  It's for a big mansion at Sands Point with a view of Manhattan.
[00:27:08]  It's not to sit by a beach, whatever, right?
[00:27:11]  Fine.
[00:27:12]  Him and his wife buy a cottage.
[00:27:14]  They text me photos of this cottage all the time.
[00:27:17]  Look at the sun.
[00:27:17]  Look at the sunset.
[00:27:19]  Look at the sunset on the beach.
[00:27:21]  Look at the sunset on the beach, you know?
[00:27:25]  And all she talks about when we have lunch is how bad it is for like immigrants, you know?
[00:27:30]  And then, you know, then they go get the cottage on the beach, you know?
[00:27:34]  She's constantly talking about Trump and fascism and, you know, the sunset.
[00:27:39]  Look at the sunset on the, okay.
[00:27:44]  They invite me out to see it.
[00:27:46]  They're like, you got to come out and see it.
[00:27:47]  You got to come see the cottage.
[00:27:49]  Okay.
[00:27:50]  So me and Ben fly out to New York to fuck Jeffrey Epstein's townhouse.
[00:27:55]  That was my video.
[00:27:56]  Can you imagine Jeffrey Epstein's like in his prison cell in the Metropolitan Detention Center?
[00:28:01]  And like his lawyer comes up to him.
[00:28:02]  They go, We've had an incident at the property.
[00:28:05]  And Epstein's like, well, what's going on?
[00:28:07]  Vigilantes?
[00:28:08]  Did somebody try to get in?
[00:28:09]  Was there a break-in?
[00:28:10]  They're like, no, you know, the fat guy that Rogan retweets?
[00:28:13]  He fucked your door.
[00:28:15]  And Jeffrey Epstein just watching me like grind on his door, fuck his door.
[00:28:19]  And Epstein's just shaking his head in the Metropolitan Detention Center.
[00:28:23]  And he's like, where did it go wrong?
[00:28:25]  Where did it go wrong?
[00:28:27]  A few years ago, I was on my private island with prime ministers and presidents.
[00:28:31]  And now some fat guy with 60,000 followers who's been shadow banned is desecrating my $70 million mansion.
[00:28:42]  He's like, this is the most embarrassing thing that's happening.
[00:28:43]  He goes, this is so embarrassing.
[00:28:45]  He has a tiny little egg penis that he can only get hard when he shoves into 10-year-olds.
[00:28:49]  And he goes, this is mortifying.
[00:28:52]  This is really bad.
[00:28:55]  And he we went to go see the prison.
[00:28:59]  Ben, you can talk now.
[00:29:00]  Tell us about the prison.
[00:29:02]  Oh, God, Ben.
[00:29:04]  All right.
[00:29:05]  Yeah, we, yeah, we went to the, we went to see El Chapo.
[00:29:09]  Well, I didn't know I was going to talk.
[00:29:10]  I'm sorry, man.
[00:29:12]  Are you ready now?
[00:29:13]  I'm ready, yeah.
[00:29:14]  Okay.
[00:29:15]  Okay.
[00:29:15]  It's not that complicated, Ben.
[00:29:17]  It's not that hard.
[00:29:17]  Don't rest.
[00:29:18]  You feel like there's a lot of pressure now.
[00:29:19]  It's a lot of nerves.
[00:29:20]  People are watching the show now.
[00:29:21]  I get it.
[00:29:22]  It's very.
[00:29:23]  We filmed the video, which was a lot of fun.
[00:29:25]  And then we went to go see the prison that's holding El Chapo and Jeffrey Epstein.
[00:29:30]  And what was that like?
[00:29:32]  And there was someone in a window, right?
[00:29:34]  So in the lower window of the facility, some guy was looking through the blinds.
[00:29:39]  Why are you talking like that?
[00:29:40]  You've never talked like this ever.
[00:29:42]  I was feeling like this.
[00:29:43]  He's like, there's a guy.
[00:29:45]  Just talk like a regular party.
[00:29:46]  He's like this.
[00:29:47]  He's like, we went to the prison.
[00:29:49]  There was a guy in the window.
[00:29:52]  What are you doing?
[00:29:53]  Are you putting on an affectation?
[00:29:55]  There was a guy in the window.
[00:29:57]  Just talk like you talked.
[00:29:58]  Like the regular people.
[00:30:00]  Is this fine?
[00:30:00]  Yeah.
[00:30:01]  Is this good?
[00:30:01]  So what happened at the prison?
[00:30:03]  So there was some guy scratching on the window with like his fingernails, just peering through the blinds, scratching all the way down.
[00:30:10]  The creepiest thing.
[00:30:11]  A guy, a crazy guy came up to us and he said, this is the last time you'll ever get to talk to me.
[00:30:17]  This is the last time.
[00:30:18]  Right outside the metropolitan detention center.
[00:30:19]  Probably some guy that just let out.
[00:30:22]  You know what I mean?
[00:30:24]  They're like, go and start your life.
[00:30:26]  Go and start your life.
[00:30:29]  The best part is we went up to that security guard and we're like, hey, is Epstein in here?
[00:30:34]  He's like, yeah, no, fucking Epstein's in here.
[00:30:37]  But yeah, El Chapo's in here.
[00:30:39]  The other guy said, Get the guy, El Chapo's here.
[00:30:41]  I don't know about Epstein, but you know, Chapo's here.
[00:30:44]  I'd love to put my mother-in-law in here.
[00:30:46]  Come on.
[00:30:46]  You know what I mean?
[00:30:47]  Hey.
[00:30:49]  Hey.
[00:30:50]  He's so happy.
[00:30:51]  Like, we thought we were going to get shot in the face for going to the prison.
[00:30:53]  This idiot's so happy that someone's coming up to him.
[00:30:56]  Yeah, we got a Chapo.
[00:30:58]  Epstein.
[00:30:59]  We got it all.
[00:31:00]  Nobody comes here.
[00:31:01]  They should come here because it's like, it's pretty cool.
[00:31:03]  We got bars on the windows.
[00:31:06]  That's why that's how to kick it out.
[00:31:07]  We're like, all right.
[00:31:08]  We thought he was going to be like, get the fuck out of here.
[00:31:10]  I didn't even go near the thing.
[00:31:12]  I sent Christoph, this kid who helps us with the YouTube channel.
[00:31:15]  I sent him.
[00:31:16]  So I'm like, if somebody needs to get a bullet to the face, it's this fuck.
[00:31:20]  He's, you know what I mean?
[00:31:21]  With all due respect, I got a free Jeffree sign that we just did the video.
[00:31:25]  I'm like, the last thing I'm doing is walking up to the Metropolitan Detention Center, which is like on par with Gitmo in terms of the fucking security measures.
[00:31:32]  I'm walking up there dressed like a little girl with a free Jeffree sign.
[00:31:37]  I said, I'm going to get shot in the mouth right now, and no one will feel bad for me.
[00:31:41]  No one will care.
[00:31:43]  My father and his wife won't care.
[00:31:45]  They were in their cottage.
[00:31:46]  They won't give a shit.
[00:31:48]  So, all right, give the mic back to Devin.
[00:31:50]  Thank you.
[00:31:50]  Thank you for your time.
[00:31:51]  I don't know who was in the window.
[00:31:54]  I don't know if it was a cell.
[00:31:55]  It was very interesting because I read about the prison and I think the real deal cells are like on the inside.
[00:32:00]  I don't think the people, I don't think you get a, you know, the view of City Hall.
[00:32:04]  I don't know.
[00:32:04]  What do I know?
[00:32:05]  But people can message me about the inner work of the Metropolitan Detention Center.
[00:32:08]  I don't really know.
[00:32:09]  Okay.
[00:32:09]  I don't know.
[00:32:10]  It was Takashi 6ix9ine.
[00:32:11]  Yeah, it could have been.
[00:32:13]  Could have been.
[00:32:13]  Where is he?
[00:32:14]  Where's Takashi?
[00:32:14]  I think he's in Rikers, actually.
[00:32:16]  He's in Rikers.
[00:32:17]  How long is he going to be there?
[00:32:19]  I don't know.
[00:32:20]  I don't know his sentencing.
[00:32:20]  I'm not sure if it's happened yet.
[00:32:22]  I think he's, you know, the trial is awaiting.
[00:32:25]  He's awaiting the trial.
[00:32:26]  Interesting.
[00:32:27]  Rikers is, do you ever get worried about what you would if you were in a prison or jail?
[00:32:32]  I think about it.
[00:32:33]  Yeah.
[00:32:34]  Why?
[00:32:34]  Because I love crime shows.
[00:32:37]  You love crime shows?
[00:32:37]  Yeah, I love people giving false confessions and then their whole life is ruined.
[00:32:41]  You're afraid.
[00:32:42]  What if I...
[00:32:43]  What if you just confessed it?
[00:32:44]  I'm a jumpy guy.
[00:32:45]  You are a jumpy guy.
[00:32:47]  I could easily see myself just agreeing real quick.
[00:32:49]  And I'm like, oh, shit, what the fuck did I just say?
[00:32:50]  And then just go into jail.
[00:32:51]  And then I'm just raped for like 80 years.
[00:32:54]  Do you think you want to be raped?
[00:32:55]  Do you think maybe that's a good idea?
[00:32:56]  Maybe it's a hot fantasy.
[00:32:57]  You know, maybe you want to fuck a dude.
[00:33:00]  Yeah.
[00:33:00]  You're like, I just want to fuck a really built gang leader and I just don't know how to do it.
[00:33:06]  I've never fucked a gang member.
[00:33:08]  I've always had the fantasy of going up to like the Bronx in a project and fucking like a real hard-bodied gang member who's a murderer.
[00:33:18]  But that's never happened.
[00:33:20]  It's pretty alpha.
[00:33:21]  Yeah, but I don't want to fuck them.
[00:33:23]  I'd probably want to buy them because I feel like it's a waste to fuck them.
[00:33:28]  Why is that?
[00:33:29]  I don't know.
[00:33:29]  I think if they're a murderer, they got to the power of a murderer.
[00:33:37]  You know, in like a hot project.
[00:33:40]  I got to mean hot, like sexy.
[00:33:41]  I mean, like literally hot.
[00:33:44]  And then like, I don't know.
[00:33:45]  I've always thought that that would be a fun thing.
[00:33:47]  I've never done it.
[00:33:48]  Does danger make you hornier?
[00:33:50]  Like if there's like a threat of like, maybe this guy will bludgeon me?
[00:33:53]  It's like almost.
[00:33:54]  I don't know.
[00:33:54]  I haven't really thought this one out.
[00:33:56]  I haven't really thought it through.
[00:33:58]  It's just one of those things I think about.
[00:34:00]  I'm like, that's an interesting, you know?
[00:34:03]  So my father goes, you got to come see this cottage.
[00:34:07]  So the day, when did I fly?
[00:34:08]  I fly Ben back Sunday.
[00:34:10]  Ben misses his flight because he has Bojangles and falls asleep in the airport like an idiot.
[00:34:16]  He has Bojangles in Northgate.
[00:34:18]  He misses his connecting flight.
[00:34:20]  Not yet in Charlotte.
[00:34:21]  He doesn't miss the flight he should miss.
[00:34:23]  It's 6 a.m. out of LaGuardia.
[00:34:26]  He's there for that.
[00:34:26]  He misses the connecting flight because he eats Bojangles and then goes to sleep in the airport like an idiot.
[00:34:33]  Okay?
[00:34:33]  Like a fool.
[00:34:35]  And then he runs over to them and they're like, are you Ben Avery?
[00:34:39]  He's like, yeah.
[00:34:39]  And they're like, yeah, we called you a bunch.
[00:34:42]  And, you know, he's like, all right.
[00:34:44]  So then his next flight's like five hours from now.
[00:34:46]  So then he goes back to Bojangles and eats a second meal at Bojangles in the Charlotte airport.
[00:34:54]  And I call my father.
[00:34:55]  I go, Jesus, I'll come out and see the cottage today because they've been very insistent that I see this cottage, which is 20 minutes from the house that they own.
[00:35:05]  They're trying to figure out if they can live in a smaller space and then they may sell the bigger house and then maybe get something in Florida or whatever.
[00:35:12]  Who knows?
[00:35:15]  He's like, okay, well, and this is after, this is, we've had this plan for a while.
[00:35:21]  He goes, yeah, well, we're going to go to our friend's house today that has a pool.
[00:35:26]  You're more than welcome to come to that.
[00:35:31]  What?
[00:35:32]  Hey, I'm almost on a train heading to Long Island to come see your house.
[00:35:38]  I'm going to go to your friend.
[00:35:40]  I don't even know these people.
[00:35:42]  And I'm going to go swim in their fucking pool and eat their food.
[00:35:46]  I don't know them.
[00:35:48]  But it's, again, this is just the mentality of the boomer.
[00:35:52]  It is, yeah, sorry about that.
[00:35:56]  We're going to, we don't, we're, who are you?
[00:35:58]  Who are you?
[00:36:00]  Who are you?
[00:36:00]  My only child?
[00:36:02]  Yeah.
[00:36:03]  We have a very casual relationship with someone that owns a pool.
[00:36:07]  We're going to go there.
[00:36:08]  We're going to go there.
[00:36:10]  Sorry.
[00:36:11]  Don't worry about it.
[00:36:12]  We'll see you again.
[00:36:13]  Not a big deal.
[00:36:14]  This is, no one has loved their children less than that generation.
[00:36:19]  Nobody has cared less, who has been more casual, very cash, super cash.
[00:36:25]  He's like, you know.
[00:36:27]  So the next day, I call the next day.
[00:36:30]  Okay.
[00:36:31]  I call the actual next day and I'm like, okay, maybe I'll come out today.
[00:36:37]  So I'm leaving tomorrow.
[00:36:39]  And then he's like, yeah.
[00:36:42]  And then I'm like, I'll Uber from the train.
[00:36:45]  It's not a big deal.
[00:36:46]  And then him and his wife start arguing about that the Uber will be too expensive from the train and that he should just pick me up.
[00:36:53]  But it's becoming an argument and you can hear it.
[00:36:55]  She's like, no, you pick him up.
[00:36:59]  My dad's like, I think he has a car.
[00:37:02]  My dad's like, he's got a car.
[00:37:04]  My dad invents a car that I don't have.
[00:37:06]  My dad goes, he'll drive here.
[00:37:08]  They start fighting about it.
[00:37:09]  I'm like, I don't even love either of you.
[00:37:11]  I just want to go swimming.
[00:37:14]  I just want to swim.
[00:37:16]  I don't care.
[00:37:17]  What do you think you two are?
[00:37:18]  Great conversationalists?
[00:37:20]  I just want to come and swim.
[00:37:23]  So I'm just like, okay, guys, I can't do it.

=== Family Addiction and Stolen Money (08:33) ===

[00:37:24]  I have a meeting.
[00:37:25]  No worries.
[00:37:26]  No problems.
[00:37:27]  Goodbye.
[00:37:28]  They're done now.
[00:37:29]  They've been written off.
[00:37:31]  They're done.
[00:37:32]  We will review an application next year to see them potentially.
[00:37:39]  But the holidays are done.
[00:37:40]  I'm a free agent for the holidays now.
[00:37:42]  Nice.
[00:37:42]  Except I might go to my aunt.
[00:37:44]  We're going to do a Christmas thing in Rhode Island, but I'm a free agent for the holidays.
[00:37:48]  You know, we're going to put all the archives up when we do the Patreon.
[00:37:51]  You guys can go to this episode called My Last Christmas, where I detail why I was no longer going to participate in my stepmother's idea of a holiday, which was getting supermarket catered food and eating it in sweatpants like a methadone clinic and then doing the hokey pokey with a bunch of lobotomized relatives that I half know.
[00:38:11]  So that is now over.
[00:38:13]  Eating macaroni and cheese that was stirred by a heroin addict in a Long Island supermarket, okay?
[00:38:20]  While, and then they did the hokey pokey at the end.
[00:38:24]  Like a bunch of them got up and they were like, they're doing the whole, they weren't even drunk.
[00:38:28]  Our family parties.
[00:38:29]  Oh, that's so tragic.
[00:38:30]  They weren't even drunk.
[00:38:31]  Our family parties used to be just debauchery and drinking.
[00:38:33]  Did you ever have like big family parties?
[00:38:35]  Yeah, yeah.
[00:38:36]  There was always a big political fight at the end.
[00:38:38]  Why?
[00:38:39]  Because my mom's side of her family is more Republican and my dad's side is more Democrat.
[00:38:44]  And your mom is fucking plugged in.
[00:38:46]  Yeah.
[00:38:46]  Yeah.
[00:38:46]  My mom wouldn't get involved.
[00:38:47]  This is why my mom wasn't interested in this type of shit.
[00:38:49]  That's a great thing about being a conspiracy person is you let the people fight and they ignore you.
[00:38:54]  Like one side's like taxes.
[00:38:57]  The other side's like healthcare.
[00:38:58]  And you're just like, kids.
[00:39:00]  And you're like, you're like, mind control factory farms of human beings.
[00:39:07]  And they're like, like, I have a joke now where it's barely a joke where I go, I go, I believe in lizard death cults.
[00:39:15]  You know, I'm a centrist.
[00:39:18]  That's the centrist.
[00:39:20]  I'm in the center.
[00:39:22]  I'm the despised center now.
[00:39:25]  But like an Irish family, we started off.
[00:39:27]  Everybody was hammered.
[00:39:29]  Everybody was happy.
[00:39:30]  My father had seven brothers and sisters.
[00:39:32]  One of them died of melanoma, young.
[00:39:34]  Everyone else was still alive.
[00:39:36]  A lot of great music.
[00:39:37]  My grandfather had a big, beautiful home that he built himself.
[00:39:40]  A lot of fun.
[00:39:42]  Fist fights, craziness, whatever, great big meals.
[00:39:45]  We had 50 people at Thanksgiving.
[00:39:47]  My nanny would have two 22-pound turkeys and a little bird.
[00:39:51]  It was a massive thing.
[00:39:53]  It would go to 4 or 5 a.m.
[00:39:55]  And we grew up in that.
[00:39:56]  We grew up in that world of debauchery, fun, chaotic.
[00:40:01]  It was great.
[00:40:02]  It was very Irish family.
[00:40:03]  Singing, fighting, whatever.
[00:40:05]  Food, drinking.
[00:40:08]  Now it's not as fun because all of my relatives have been divorced and all their kids are heroin addicts.
[00:40:16]  So it's no longer as fun anymore because the legacy of growing up in that environment has been that you can't leave your coat in a room unattended because someone will go rifle through it to go get a package.
[00:40:32]  Now, they're doing good now, my cousins.
[00:40:33]  They're doing good now.
[00:40:34]  But I'm not excluding myself, by the way, either.
[00:40:37]  I had a rough time.
[00:40:38]  I used to steal.
[00:40:39]  I would steal at family parties.
[00:40:41]  I would run the pockets of an aunt or an uncle, and I probably still will.
[00:40:48]  But we were bad kids and we grew up in that environment where we were like, oh, we should be getting fucked up.
[00:40:54]  And this is an Irish family.
[00:40:55]  If you're truly Irish, it's great in the beginning and it has a lot of promise and everybody's excited and the kids are going to take over the world and they're all going to be Kennedys.
[00:41:05]  And then like the Kennedys, except the highs aren't as high, but the lows are pretty low.
[00:41:10]  At the end of the Irish family, it's a disaster.
[00:41:15]  And people are divorced.
[00:41:17]  People are broke.
[00:41:18]  They're bankrupt.
[00:41:19]  They have multiple addictions.
[00:41:20]  They're depressed, mental illness.
[00:41:23]  It's all bad.
[00:41:24]  It's all very bad.
[00:41:25]  It's the end of an Irish.
[00:41:27]  What are you race-wise?
[00:41:30]  Italian and Lebanese.
[00:41:32]  But not strongly Italian or strongly Italian.
[00:41:34]  No, there's no real...
[00:41:35]  The heritage was like Lebanese.
[00:41:36]  Like we'd have, you know, hummus and taboo.
[00:41:39]  California kind of steamrolls ethnicity.
[00:41:41]  Yeah, right?
[00:41:42]  You just leave it.
[00:41:43]  You just don't feel it.
[00:41:43]  You don't feel like, it feels here like you're just an American mutt.
[00:41:47]  And the culture is California culture.
[00:41:50]  Yeah.
[00:41:50]  Right.
[00:41:51]  Yeah.
[00:41:51]  There's no, you don't stick to anything, really.
[00:41:53]  Yeah.
[00:41:54]  In the East Coast, people stay in their little enclaves.
[00:41:57]  And they're, and they.
[00:41:58]  That's where everyone came through.
[00:42:00]  They feel more like they should, you know?
[00:42:02]  Absolutely.
[00:42:03]  I mean, you know, it is, it is a tough family.
[00:42:06]  I mean, it's tough now when you go at the family parties now and you're like, you know, there's cousins that are like, some cousins are really brilliant.
[00:42:13]  Like there's one kid who's brilliant, but kind of autistic.
[00:42:15]  Maybe he's not autistic.
[00:42:16]  He's like, brilliant.
[00:42:17]  He's like very smart.
[00:42:18]  He's going to go to an IV, but he like doesn't say anything to anyone.
[00:42:21]  Maybe he's just disgusted by us.
[00:42:22]  He might just be terrifying.
[00:42:23]  Everyone's like, I think he's autistic.
[00:42:24]  I'm like, I think he's disgusted.
[00:42:26]  I think he's disgusted that the most successful member of this family is a gay clown.
[00:42:32]  I think he's a little disgusted that that's the only member of the family not currently under like indictment.
[00:42:39]  I think he's, that's why he's not making facial expressions because the only facial expression he'd make is just crying.
[00:42:45]  He would just cry.
[00:42:48]  And then there's other cousins that are friendly.
[00:42:52]  And then there's my generation of cousins and they're, whoo, whoo!
[00:42:56]  All of us had our issues.
[00:42:58]  Yeah.
[00:42:59]  All of us.
[00:43:00]  You can tell, though, everyone's kind of white-knuckling.
[00:43:01]  Like, I just wish we could just all go back to getting fucked up.
[00:43:04]  I think a lot of people are white-knuckling.
[00:43:06]  I think, you know, the damage of certain life decisions doesn't necessarily reverse itself.
[00:43:16]  This is what people need to realize.
[00:43:21]  When you make certain decisions and you go into certain corners of the world, you can leave those corners of the world.
[00:43:30]  Some of those corners of the world stay with you.
[00:43:32]  So there are people in the family and not only cousins, but older people, wherever, where, you know, Those people, and myself probably is, or one of them, where you're like, Yeah, we'll never have the experience on the planet that people had that were not involved in some of those things.
[00:43:55]  You know, like there are people I meet and I have, there's maybe I envy them because they've never stolen money from their family.
[00:44:07]  A lot of people have never stolen money from their family.
[00:44:09]  I've stolen money.
[00:44:11]  You know what I mean?
[00:44:14]  A lot of people have never invented a fake school trip and printed up fake permission slips to try to get money to go through drugs.
[00:44:30]  You know, cashed a fake check.
[00:44:34]  Yeah.
[00:44:35]  No.
[00:44:36]  Have you done that?
[00:44:36]  No, I heard heroin addicts can do it, though.
[00:44:38]  They do it like with they need like a hundred bucks and then they just don't care about the best.
[00:44:42]  I never went there.
[00:44:43]  I never went that to that part, you know?
[00:44:46]  But like there are, there are things with, uh, with my family where I go, maybe that partying wasn't great for all of us to grow up around.
[00:44:58]  Some of it was.
[00:44:58]  I mean, listen, there are people that grew up because the next generation of cousins didn't grow up with that.
[00:45:03]  They didn't grow up with that.
[00:45:04]  We grew up with that.
[00:45:06]  So we internalized that as like, oh, that's the way to have fun.
[00:45:08]  So when we all went out, when we were 13 or 14 and we could fucking, you know, get booze or drugs, we went out and we were like, let's go do it because we had grown up with the idea that that was how to have fun.
[00:45:19]  That's how you have fun.
[00:45:20]  I was just talking to a friend of mine recently and I'm like, after 30, drinking looks bad.
[00:45:25]  It just doesn't look great after the age of 30.
[00:45:28]  It looks good again around 60.
[00:45:31]  You know, it looks distinguished again in a bar when you have a nice suit on, you're having a nice cocktail, whatever.
[00:45:39]  You know, you're on, you know, you met a woman off an app who's 19 and she's trying to pay her college loans.
[00:45:47]  You're, you know, you're going to go eat her ass later in a, in a Hyatt.
[00:45:53]  Whatever it is, it's a distinguished look.
[00:45:56]  It's a nice look.

=== Turning Down Success After Thirty (15:09) ===

[00:45:57]  Yeah, drinking's cool at the start of life and at the end.
[00:46:00]  Yes.
[00:46:00]  The middle, you're kind of.
[00:46:02]  19, you're like, yeah, look, I'm just like getting fucked up.
[00:46:05]  My bros and my bitches.
[00:46:09]  30, it looks bad.
[00:46:10]  You look nervous.
[00:46:12]  Every 30-year-old who's drinking looks nervous, and they should be because they realize that life is passing them by.
[00:46:18]  Everybody 30-year-olds who's really drunk has that energy of like, hey, man.
[00:46:22]  Hey, man.
[00:46:24]  I bumped into a kid at a comedy club recently that I knew.
[00:46:26]  This kid was in a massive comedy club openings.
[00:46:28]  The stand opened up in New York.
[00:46:29]  You guys should go.
[00:46:30]  One of the best clubs, blah, blah, blah.
[00:46:32]  I'm passing the comedy store now.
[00:46:33]  New York can literally be bombed.
[00:46:37]  I don't care.
[00:46:38]  I literally, without exception, everyone that lives there could burn in hell.
[00:46:42]  I don't care.
[00:46:44]  9-11, every day, every building on the hour.
[00:46:47]  I don't give a fuck.
[00:46:49]  Fuck you.
[00:46:50]  You didn't know what I fucked you had when I lived there.
[00:46:52]  I gave my best years to that fucking city and got very little.
[00:46:56]  The only person I like is Patrick Milligan, who's from Long Island.
[00:46:59]  That is it, who booked the stand.
[00:47:01]  Everybody else can burn in fucking hell.
[00:47:04]  I hope your skin melts off your face.
[00:47:07]  The stand is good.
[00:47:08]  Go to the stand.
[00:47:09]  At the opening of the stand, I have a guy come up to me who is in the midst of a full-on breakdown.
[00:47:18]  The guy, this is weird.
[00:47:20]  Comedy clubs in New York bring out people.
[00:47:21]  The opening of a comedy club will bring out people you thought quit.
[00:47:24]  Right.
[00:47:25]  And they just show up like they're going to have the right conversation.
[00:47:28]  They're going to get back.
[00:47:29]  They're going to get back in the game.
[00:47:31]  They're like, if I just bump into the right guy, things are going to go well.
[00:47:35]  If I just make the right quip and Mark Norman laughs, gonna turn around.
[00:47:41]  So some guy, and this guy's a guy that I recommended for JFL.
[00:47:45]  Like, I've been very nice to this guy.
[00:47:47]  He shows up, right?
[00:47:49]  Like, hey, man, how's it been?
[00:47:50]  We're standing outside of the club.
[00:47:51]  He goes, as soon as you hear that, you know, run.
[00:47:59]  You got to run.
[00:48:00]  As soon as you hear that, you got to run.
[00:48:01]  He goes, oh, I'm like, oh, no.
[00:48:04]  He goes, I'm 10 years in.
[00:48:06]  I got nothing.
[00:48:07]  I'm like.
[00:48:09]  Well, you're a real funny guy, man.
[00:48:11]  And he goes, don't say that.
[00:48:13]  Don't say that.
[00:48:14]  He goes, I don't look at you like the rest of these people do.
[00:48:17]  I'm not starry-eyed when I look at you.
[00:48:19]  And I'm like, I don't think anyone looks at me starry-eyed, but whatever.
[00:48:23]  He's like, he's like, you're crazy.
[00:48:26]  You're crazy.
[00:48:27]  I know you're crazy.
[00:48:28]  He's like, so everything you say, and I'm like, okay.
[00:48:31]  Only in comedy are the, if you succeed on any level, you're crazy.
[00:48:36]  You're a lunatic.
[00:48:37]  It's the people who've not figured out anything that are somehow morally pure and good.
[00:48:43]  Everyone else who's, everyone else who's done anything is crazy, right?
[00:48:47]  So I say to the guy, I'm like, man, you can't do this here.
[00:48:50]  You can't have a breakdown in front of everyone.
[00:48:52]  It's not that good.
[00:48:53]  He's like, I have this shitty job.
[00:48:55]  I have a day job.
[00:48:56]  And I'm like, man, at least you're connected with us.
[00:48:58]  Now you're trying to find things so he doesn't put a gun in his mouth.
[00:49:00]  I'm like, at least you're connected to other people.
[00:49:02]  At least you have a schedule.
[00:49:03]  He's connected to real people.
[00:49:04]  He goes like this.
[00:49:05]  He goes, I do it with other comics.
[00:49:07]  I'm like, well, yeah, well.
[00:49:11]  And I'm like, listen, man, you know, it is what it is.
[00:49:14]  But why are you mad at me?
[00:49:15]  What are you mad at me for?
[00:49:17]  Because when I said to this guy a few years ago, he should do a podcast.
[00:49:20]  He laughed in my face.
[00:49:22]  Okay.
[00:49:23]  It is what it is, dude.
[00:49:24]  Yeah.
[00:49:25]  It is what it fucking is, man.
[00:49:27]  There's a lot of angry people out there that had an opportunity to do the things that a lot of us fucking did.
[00:49:34]  And why would you not want to do a podcast?
[00:49:35]  Fucking fun.
[00:49:36]  You know what I mean?
[00:49:38]  It's fun.
[00:49:39]  And you should fucking do it.
[00:49:40]  I just tested for that David Spade show, lights out on Comedy Central.
[00:49:44]  I'll probably do panel on that.
[00:49:45]  It's just fun.
[00:49:46]  Why would you not want to do it?
[00:49:47]  You just write jokes, you show up, you make jokes.
[00:49:49]  David Spade's hilarious.
[00:49:50]  Who give, you know?
[00:49:51]  It's just fun to do.
[00:49:53]  These are fun things to do.
[00:49:55]  You can't not do things and then get angry that you didn't get the things that other people got from doing the things that you fucking refuse to do.
[00:50:04]  So, but it's just funny to me that people show up to a fucking opening in mid-breakdown, mid-panic attack, thinking that somebody's going to be like, get over here.
[00:50:15]  You're going to work every night now.
[00:50:17]  I love you.
[00:50:19]  Come here.
[00:50:20]  And everyone's going to go hug them.
[00:50:22]  Nobody gives a fuck about you.
[00:50:24]  Nobody cares about you.
[00:50:25]  This is my problem.
[00:50:26]  I don't have a problem with Gary Vanyachuk in the way that people think I have a problem with him.
[00:50:33]  I don't hate his hustle.
[00:50:35]  I don't, whatever.
[00:50:36]  Do what you want to do.
[00:50:37]  The problem with Gary Vanyachuk is he never tells people about their limitations.
[00:50:43]  He never tells them to embrace any type of realism.
[00:50:46]  He never tells them about the other side of risk.
[00:50:49]  Okay.
[00:50:50]  He's, he, he, he leaves all of that out.
[00:50:53]  It's all about hustle and grind and all this literal gibberish.
[00:50:57]  There's better sales trainers, Brian Tracy, Ziggler.
[00:51:00]  They'll literally talk about selling things and what to say at every moment during a sale.
[00:51:04]  They actually do that.
[00:51:05]  Okay.
[00:51:06]  But the problem with Gary Vee is like, I'm all for, you want to start your own shit?
[00:51:10]  You want to do your own thing?
[00:51:11]  I'm all for that.
[00:51:11]  I'm not.
[00:51:12]  Now, most of you shouldn't.
[00:51:13]  Most of you should not.
[00:51:14]  Most of you should not.
[00:51:16]  Pull the car over and listen to me if this isn't getting to your fucking head.
[00:51:20]  Okay.
[00:51:21]  Most of you should not do your own thing because your happiness in life will not come from it.
[00:51:27]  It's going to come from relationships.
[00:51:29]  It's going to come from children.
[00:51:30]  It's going to come from your communities, your hobby.
[00:51:33]  It's not going to come from work.
[00:51:35]  People are chit.
[00:51:35]  Now, my happiness is going to come from work because I am a demon from hell sent here to destroy and then to rebuild.
[00:51:46]  I'm part of a cycle.
[00:51:47]  People don't get that.
[00:51:48]  Okay.
[00:51:50]  And those, everyone that you see who's successful is a demon.
[00:51:53]  Megan Rapinoe is a demon from hell.
[00:51:55]  She's a demon from hell.
[00:51:58]  That dyke worked so hard because she doesn't feel.
[00:52:04]  The bitch doesn't feel like you feel.
[00:52:07]  She didn't care about the sweater you got her for Christmas.
[00:52:11]  She just wants to win.
[00:52:14]  Oh, Megan, grandma's dying.
[00:52:16]  Oh, fuck her.
[00:52:17]  I want to play soccer.
[00:52:20]  I'm a power-hungry dyke.
[00:52:23]  That's all I want.
[00:52:24]  I want to get in fights with Trump because I can kick a ball.
[00:52:27]  My skills kicking a ball in the net.
[00:52:29]  Fuck you.
[00:52:31]  But I respect her because she's a demon from hell.
[00:52:35]  Okay?
[00:52:36]  That's the real motivational training.
[00:52:38]  Gary Vanyache gets out and goes, who hears a demon from hell?
[00:52:43]  Many people aren't going to raise their hands.
[00:52:44]  He goes, that's good.
[00:52:45]  You all get jobs.
[00:52:46]  You all go and get jobs.
[00:52:47]  But Amy Schumer goes, Yes, Queen.
[00:52:50]  And he'll go, yeah.
[00:52:52]  And that's why she's in arenas.
[00:52:53]  Now, I'm not saying, you know, don't come at me here and be like, well, you know, so-and-so donated money to, you know, Doctors Without Borders.
[00:53:06]  Shut up.
[00:53:07]  Shut the fuck up.
[00:53:08]  That's not what I mean.
[00:53:09]  You know what I mean?
[00:53:10]  What I mean is the qualities that you have that make you human.
[00:53:14]  If you want to succeed, you got to turn them down a little.
[00:53:17]  Turn them down.
[00:53:18]  Turn the feelings down a bit.
[00:53:21]  Turn them down.
[00:53:22]  You've got to be more Asian.
[00:53:23]  Be Asian.
[00:53:26]  Just business.
[00:53:27]  Asians succeed.
[00:53:28]  They don't give a fuck.
[00:53:30]  They don't flip out and bagel shops.
[00:53:32]  No manners.
[00:53:33]  They just straight to the point.
[00:53:34]  They do what they need to do.
[00:53:37]  So what I'm saying is when I meet somebody who's like uber emotional, I'm like, you got to rein it in or find a business where you can be emotional.
[00:53:45]  But there's not a lot of them.
[00:53:46]  A lot of business, you got to be strategic.
[00:53:48]  Okay.
[00:53:49]  Like my friends think they're going to all be entrepreneurs, but they can't not, you know, they don't know what it's like to not like get AIDS, you know?
[00:54:00]  And I'm not saying that they have AIDS, but it's an accident that they don't have AIDS.
[00:54:04]  So it's like, well, you don't even know how to not get AIDS because you're so impulsive that you're just like, give me that bloody pussy.
[00:54:11]  How about you need to not do that?
[00:54:14]  You need to get a fucking figure something out where you can, like Megan Rapinoe did.
[00:54:19]  She's a demon from hell.
[00:54:21]  And I don't, I don't say demon from hell in like a negative way.
[00:54:24]  I know that there's a negative connotation.
[00:54:27]  But I mean, this is a bitch that stuffed her emotions.
[00:54:31]  Stuff your emotions are impoverishing you.
[00:54:34]  They're making you poor.
[00:54:35]  They're making you stupid.
[00:54:36]  Not all of them.
[00:54:37]  And there are people that are genuinely fucked.
[00:54:39]  Don't message me and be like, so does this mean that a four-year-old would can't?
[00:54:43]  No, it no, no.
[00:54:45]  I believe I think I'll probably vote for Bernie.
[00:54:49]  I think I'll probably vote for Bernie because Bernie's the only, here's one reason.
[00:54:53]  He's the only one not dancing with Jeffrey Epstein at dinner.
[00:54:58]  Bernie's the only fuck not on a conga line with Jeffrey Epstein.
[00:55:03]  For that reason alone, maybe let's try him.
[00:55:07]  Right.
[00:55:08]  He's in Vermont and he wants people to have health insurance.
[00:55:13]  You know, I might get on that train.
[00:55:16]  He's the only guy that seems like a person, like an honest enough person.
[00:55:21]  Yeah, I think we give him a shot.
[00:55:22]  I understand why people gave Trump a shot.
[00:55:24]  They were like, he's the outsider.
[00:55:25]  He's not the out guys.
[00:55:26]  Guys, guys, guys.
[00:55:28]  What outside is he?
[00:55:30]  You think anyone gave a shit about, you think he would care about human trafficking?
[00:55:34]  He's at Mor-a-Lago.
[00:55:35]  They're like, some of these girls aren't of age.
[00:55:36]  He's like, hey, get out of here.
[00:55:38]  He doesn't care.
[00:55:39]  You made him in a moral crusader.
[00:55:41]  Grow up.
[00:55:42]  Grow up.
[00:55:44]  Why?
[00:55:45]  Because he fucking says shit.
[00:55:47]  He tweets.
[00:55:48]  And Akasha Cortez, the other one, you like her because she's a bartender who can clap back.
[00:55:53]  Grow the fuck up.
[00:55:55]  Grow up.
[00:55:57]  Gary Vanyachuk, you fuckers don't deserve Gary Vanyachuk.
[00:56:02]  He thinks too highly of you.
[00:56:04]  That's the problem.
[00:56:05]  I know what you are.
[00:56:07]  You don't get a business.
[00:56:08]  You shut your mouth.
[00:56:13]  I do understand when I go on these rants why I think the dating podcasts are successful because I do think after at a certain period, this is very toxic.
[00:56:24]  But I do think, like, this is an abusive podcast, probably.
[00:56:28]  Like, people, some people are in a relationship, like an abusive relationship with this show.
[00:56:32]  But all I'm saying is that all I'm telling you all to do is be pragmatic and embrace a cynical realism and just tone it down.
[00:56:48]  You know, stop being so easily manipulated.
[00:56:52]  You don't all have to do FaceApp.
[00:56:56]  You don't have to do it.
[00:56:59]  You don't have to do it.
[00:57:00]  The NSA loves that you do it.
[00:57:03]  Now you're only, you probably were in a database, whatever.
[00:57:06]  But you don't have to do it.
[00:57:08]  You don't have to do what everyone else is doing.
[00:57:10]  I know.
[00:57:11]  And they'll say, like, we're living in fascism, and then everybody the same day does the same thing.
[00:57:16]  Fascism, let me tell you right now, you people need an ism.
[00:57:22]  I don't know what it is.
[00:57:23]  Communism, fascism.
[00:57:25]  You fuckers out there need an ism.
[00:57:27]  And it ain't capitalism.
[00:57:29]  You need an ism.
[00:57:30]  You need a boot to the neck, most of you.
[00:57:32]  And I don't know where it's coming from, the left or the right.
[00:57:34]  I'll just work for whoever.
[00:57:36]  Who's ever, whoever wins the battle, I'll sit there like grim a worm tongue or salacious crumb because I don't just want, I don't want to be with you.
[00:57:47]  I don't want to be with the masses.
[00:57:48]  This is my new favorite thing.
[00:57:51]  You know, people go, I love this time because the gatekeepers are done and the people get to choose.
[00:57:58]  No.
[00:57:59]  Get the people out.
[00:58:01]  I have no faith in the people.
[00:58:02]  I hated the gatekeepers because they were also people.
[00:58:04]  Right.
[00:58:05]  Get the people.
[00:58:06]  Where's the third option?
[00:58:08]  Aren't the people on TikTok?
[00:58:09]  Yeah.
[00:58:10]  What people?
[00:58:12]  They're like, oh, the gatekeepers are done.
[00:58:14]  No, everything's been democratized and the people can rule.
[00:58:16]  The people can make the decisions about the music.
[00:58:19]  The people shouldn't have a say in anything, really.
[00:58:25]  Every song now is a joke.
[00:58:27]  It's like, every song's a fucking joke.
[00:58:32]  Yeah, everything's an ironic parody.
[00:58:34]  Everything's an ironic parody of something.
[00:58:36]  Yep.
[00:58:37]  Okay?
[00:58:38]  Because the people that are so great require nothing.
[00:58:43]  It's amazing.
[00:58:44]  They demand and require nothing of culture and of their government, and they get it.
[00:58:47]  Yeah.
[00:58:47]  And they get it.
[00:58:48]  And they'll continue to get it.
[00:58:50]  They'll continue to get it.
[00:58:51]  It'll just keep getting worse and worse.
[00:58:53]  And people want to talk about dating and avocados.
[00:58:55]  And there'll be videos coming out where Jeffrey Epstein and Bill Clinton are fucking, you know, just fucking, you know, double teaming some fucking child.
[00:59:03]  And everyone will be like, can we talk about something else?
[00:59:06]  I want to talk about that bachelor.
[00:59:08]  Let's take it a chance.
[00:59:12]  We don't deserve saving.
[00:59:15]  The earth, we don't deserve it.
[00:59:18]  You don't deserve it.
[00:59:20]  You don't get it.
[00:59:21]  You don't get it.
[00:59:25]  It's very hard to wrap up here in a positive note because I feel a lot of people.
[00:59:29]  I feel this is very positive.
[00:59:31]  To me, it is so positive to admit that we are, as a civilization, we are hopeless unless we merge with robots.
[00:59:41]  I think that is such a freeing idea that we as people have completely failed.
[00:59:46]  It's not my idea.
[00:59:47]  It's not a new idea.
[00:59:48]  Carlin, a lot of people embrace that type of idea.
[00:59:52]  But I just look around at the world and all these people that are just happy.
[00:59:55]  They're like, well, the gatekeepers are done now.
[00:59:59]  And now the people will have their say.
[01:00:02]  God help.
[01:00:03]  God help us.
[01:00:04]  God help us.
[01:00:06]  Bad baby's a millionaire.
[01:00:08]  The president is the guy that owned the Miss Universe pageant.
[01:00:14]  That's the president.
[01:00:16]  Bad Baby's a millionaire.
[01:00:18]  And they're going to make, they're making fast and furious 26 because the people get a say.
[01:00:26]  We're living in idiocracy.
[01:00:27]  No thanks.
[01:00:28]  Get the people away.
[01:00:30]  No people.
[01:00:32]  Maybe that's the shirt.
[01:00:33]  We got to come up with some merch shirts.
[01:00:36]  No people.
[01:00:37]  Your thoughts have no value.
[01:00:38]  That's good.
[01:00:41]  Be more Asian.
[01:00:42]  Be more Asian.
[01:00:43]  That's going to get won't work.
[01:00:47]  I'm a real, I'm an RN and I don't mean registered nurse.
[01:00:53]  I think that's great.
[01:00:56]  I'm an RN and I don't mean registered nurse.
[01:00:59]  You know what I'm saying?
[01:01:03]  Very sad, all our friends on 8-Chan.
[01:01:05]  What happened to 8-Chan, Ben?

=== Creating Your Own Reality (02:15) ===

[01:01:07]  Oh, they're back.
[01:01:08]  8-Chan is back.
[01:01:13]  Where is the Donald?
[01:01:13]  The Donald has been taken off Reddit.
[01:01:16]  So here's what I think happened to the Donald.
[01:01:17]  Because the Donald, every now and then, they get a little perky in there.
[01:01:20]  And, you know, they throw out a congressman's address and go, yeah, go see him, you know?
[01:01:24]  You know, maybe they do.
[01:01:28]  I don't know.
[01:01:28]  I think they do.
[01:01:29]  But I think, like, you know, supposedly during the bin Laden raid, which, you know, who knows what really, but the story of the bin Laden raid is like, either it was Obama or somebody walked in and they were like, we got him.
[01:01:42]  You know, it was about Bin Laden?
[01:01:44]  Yeah, yeah.
[01:01:44]  I think Reddit was just looking at the Donald trying to find like a violation of their terms of service that was drastic enough to delete the entire thing.
[01:01:52]  And I think like somebody was probably just like, I don't know what they did, but it might have been like, you know, here's a photo of Nancy Pelosi's kitchen from like, you know.
[01:02:01]  And I think somebody from Reddit like just walked in the room and was like, we got him.
[01:02:05]  And everyone knew that they meant the Donald, you know?
[01:02:07]  They're like, we got him.
[01:02:09]  And they're like, yeah.
[01:02:10]  They're like, yep.
[01:02:11]  They're coming down and they pulled the Donald down.
[01:02:16]  Andrew Yang, Yang Gang, does he have any steam left?
[01:02:19]  I don't know.
[01:02:20]  I'm not sure.
[01:02:22]  I just believe that I, I know that people say that listen to this show, they think that I'm negative.
[01:02:27]  I'm not negative.
[01:02:28]  I am the most positive human being you'll ever meet in the sense that I believe you can really do truly great things if you stop like these old fucking like whether it's like these old systems and the way that everybody, it's just like, guys, enough of this.
[01:02:47]  Like how easily people are manipulated by media.
[01:02:52]  We're in the, where was like the mass media age has really only existed from like what the 50s until like, you know what I mean?
[01:02:58]  Like, I mean, in the sense, and now obviously in the last five to 10 years, they have the digital media and things like that.
[01:03:05]  But you look at how easy it is to just put people in groups and how easy it is to get that.
[01:03:11]  You know, maybe it does turn around.
[01:03:13]  Maybe it does turn around.
[01:03:14]  Maybe, maybe next year people are throwing french fries at each other and not milkshakes.
[01:03:17]  I don't know.
[01:03:18]  Maybe that's a step up.

=== Meditation Is Not For The Planet (06:01) ===

[01:03:22]  But I think to look at the world right now and to have like a positive view of what's happening is should almost be like you should be almost committed.
[01:03:33]  You know what I mean?
[01:03:34]  Like to look at the world.
[01:03:35]  Now, a lot of people will disagree with me because these are people that need to believe everything's fine to get out of bed.
[01:03:40]  Right.
[01:03:40]  You know, that's all Gary Vee thing.
[01:03:42]  It's like create your own reality.
[01:03:43]  I'm like, I can still participate in this while admitting it's got some cracks.
[01:03:49]  Yeah.
[01:03:49]  I don't.
[01:03:50]  Who are the people hopeful?
[01:03:51]  Who are these hopeful people?
[01:03:52]  They're out there all the time because they need to be because they're hopeful because they're like, hey, man.
[01:03:57]  It's a very LA thing.
[01:03:58]  They're like, negativity is just not my thing.
[01:04:02]  It's not my thing.
[01:04:03]  Yeah.
[01:04:03]  And then they get hit by a car.
[01:04:04]  They don't have health insurance.
[01:04:05]  They're laying in bed going, ah, but up until that moment, we're all like chancing.
[01:04:12]  We're all in a video game, like, do, And the guy in front of you falls down the thing and you're like, woo, but you jump over it.
[01:04:22]  Yeah.
[01:04:22]  So you jump over it.
[01:04:23]  Then you start saying, hey, fuck that guy.
[01:04:25]  Fuck the guy who fell in the hole.
[01:04:27]  That was his fault.
[01:04:28]  Fuck him.
[01:04:29]  He must have not manifested a positive reality.
[01:04:33]  It's a very LA thing.
[01:04:34]  He deserved that.
[01:04:35]  Yeah.
[01:04:35]  He deserved falling in that hole.
[01:04:37]  Oh, what?
[01:04:38]  His family doesn't have food?
[01:04:40]  Get out of there.
[01:04:42]  Get out of there.
[01:04:43]  Let me meditate.
[01:04:44]  I want to take some more time by myself.
[01:04:46]  I like meditation.
[01:04:48]  All these comics that are always, I love Nikki Glazer.
[01:04:51]  She's one of my favorite people.
[01:04:53]  Enough with the animals, but all these comics, and it's not only her, it's all of them.
[01:04:57]  They love meditation.
[01:04:58]  They're always worried about everybody, but they love meditation.
[01:05:02]  Could you be doing less for the planet while meditating?
[01:05:05]  How about you go meditate some soup into a bowl for a homeless person?
[01:05:10]  How about you go meditate a house for someone?
[01:05:15]  I just need to get myself in like a good space so I can succeed and everything around me can crumble and burn.
[01:05:23]  Just admit it.
[01:05:24]  Just go admit that it's freeing, but you can't.
[01:05:27]  That doesn't sell.
[01:05:29]  That doesn't sell.
[01:05:30]  Amy Schumer can't admit that.
[01:05:32]  She's got to, you know, talk about, I'm boycotting, you know, Wendy's because they don't.
[01:05:38]  What?
[01:05:39]  What did they not do?
[01:05:40]  I don't know.
[01:05:41]  She got mad at Wendy's for whatever.
[01:05:42]  They fucked up her order probably, but I'm kidding.
[01:05:45]  Shout out to Harloping for you.
[01:05:47]  You know I love you, bitch.
[01:05:48]  Never met her.
[01:05:49]  Never met her.
[01:05:49]  No, I'm kidding.
[01:05:50]  I met her once.
[01:05:51]  Me and Taylor Tomlinson just did the Netflix 15.
[01:05:54]  She goes to Taylor.
[01:05:55]  She goes, that was such a great set you had.
[01:05:57]  And then she just looked at me and she goes, hello.
[01:06:01]  It's a lot of the hyde matchup.
[01:06:03]  And I went.
[01:06:03]  Hey.
[01:06:04]  That's great.
[01:06:05]  Hey.
[01:06:07]  But that's the whole thing.
[01:06:08]  People, and I'm not against, listen, meditate, do whatever you want, but I just love the idea that people think meditation is like they, when you hear them talk about it, they act like they are doing something for the planet.
[01:06:22]  Now, I understand like you being in a good mental space is good for the planet.
[01:06:26]  Not being crazy is good for the planet.
[01:06:28]  I understand that.
[01:06:29]  But it's a relatively low threshold of, you know, it's a very LA thing.
[01:06:34]  Well, it's just a very like, I'm just, I'm just going to take some time for me.
[01:06:37]  Self-care.
[01:06:38]  It's a big thing now.
[01:06:39]  Self-care.
[01:06:41]  Hey, hey, guys.
[01:06:43]  Hey, is there anyone in this fucking country that has not spent their entire fat life caring for themselves?
[01:06:51]  I'd like to meet them.
[01:06:53]  Is there anyone in this country that needs to be told to take some time out for themselves?
[01:06:58]  I don't think so.
[01:07:00]  I've met nine people in this country who've given a shit about anything.
[01:07:04]  And the Reds, I mean, it's just such a great fucking thing, self-care.
[01:07:08]  Just take some time for yourself.
[01:07:11]  Just take some time for yourself.
[01:07:13]  You're not treating yourself good.
[01:07:14]  You gotta, you gotta care about yourself.
[01:07:17]  Such a great, there's no other care.
[01:07:20]  You notice that?
[01:07:21]  There's no movement for that.
[01:07:23]  No other care.
[01:07:25]  Self-care.
[01:07:26]  Care about you.
[01:07:27]  What about everyone else?
[01:07:29]  It starts with you.
[01:07:31]  Yeah, it starts with you and it ends with you.
[01:07:33]  It starts and ends with you.
[01:07:34]  Let's fucking be honest.
[01:07:37]  There's not an epidemic in this country of do-gooders passing out because they're helping too many people.
[01:07:44]  That's not an epidemic.
[01:07:46]  Nobody's going to the hospital because they're dehydrated because they've just been swinging a hammer building houses all day for the homeless.
[01:07:52]  So what is self-care again?
[01:07:54]  What is it?
[01:07:54]  Masturbate on your couch?
[01:07:56]  Can someone explain to me what it is even?
[01:07:58]  What are you supposed to do?
[01:08:00]  Don't work too hard?
[01:08:01]  What?
[01:08:03]  Self-care.
[01:08:04]  Get toxic people out of your life.
[01:08:06]  Yeah, how about take them all out of your life?
[01:08:09]  Why have people in your life?
[01:08:10]  Have a phone.
[01:08:12]  Meditate in your room and get a dog that you act like you want to fuck when you keep putting an Instagram.
[01:08:23]  People know what I mean.
[01:08:25]  Getting weird with the animals, folks.
[01:08:26]  Enough with that.
[01:08:28]  It's getting enough with it.
[01:08:29]  Starting to get odd.
[01:08:32]  Self-care.
[01:08:33]  Could there be a more useless, I mean, it's like telling people this country to enjoy themselves, you know?
[01:08:42]  It's like, hey, guys, take a look.
[01:08:46]  Enjoy yourself.
[01:08:48]  A country built on all-you-can-eat buffets, bottomless brunch, being told to go out there and let it out.
[01:08:56]  Let it loose, guys.
[01:08:57]  Let loose.
[01:08:59]  A country that's fueled by all-you-can-eat dinner cruises, booze cruises, all-inclusive resorts.
[01:09:09]  You're like, and you got to tell these people, just relax.
[01:09:12]  Self-care.
[01:09:14]  Stop doing all that stuff you're doing for your community.
[01:09:17]  Stop working so hard on behalf of your community.
[01:09:21]  Why don't you take some time for yourself?
[01:09:23]  Yeah.

=== Stop Working So Hard For Others (06:52) ===

[01:09:24]  We know from day one of your life, all we tell you to do is to follow your dream, only study the things that excite you.
[01:09:31]  Then we tell you to go to a school for four years, take out a bunch of pretend money loans, majoring, whatever the hell you want, and then only get a job that really makes you hot and wet.
[01:09:41]  You know, get a nice job that makes you pussy wet or stiffens your cock every morning.
[01:09:46]  And then spend all your time on the way to the job and on the way back from the job listening to hucksters and motivational speakers that try to advise you on how to be the best you.
[01:09:57]  And then only fall in love or consider marrying somebody who checks every box on an unrealistic, crazy list that you got, okay?
[01:10:08]  And then have a bunch of kids and just use them as status symbols to one-up other people in your shitty planned community.
[01:10:15]  But during that whole life, don't forget to take some time out for yourself.
[01:10:21]  Don't forget to take some time out for you.
[01:10:25]  TimbyLongComedy.com, I will be at Hilarities in Cleveland this weekend.
[01:10:28]  You fucking missed it already.
[01:10:30]  I will be, we got to sell some tickets on the southern leg of the tour.
[01:10:34]  Okay, I'm very excited about this.
[01:10:36]  We're doing one night shows down south.
[01:10:38]  It's going to be fucking bananas.
[01:10:41]  Everybody is going to love it.
[01:10:43]  We're going to Charlotte, North Carolina, Comedy Zone, August 4th.
[01:10:47]  Nashville, Tennessee, August 6th.
[01:10:49]  Huntsville, Alabama, August 7th.
[01:10:51]  Hoover, Alabama, August 8th.
[01:10:53]  Okay.
[01:10:54]  Comedy Zone in Charlotte.
[01:10:55]  Zani's in Nashville.
[01:10:57]  Huntsville Stand-Up Live.
[01:10:58]  Stardome in Hoover, Alabama.
[01:11:00]  Go get tickets for those things.
[01:11:02]  August 1st through the 3rd.
[01:11:04]  I'm going to be at the American Comedy Company in San Diego.
[01:11:09]  Okay.
[01:11:10]  So definitely check that out.
[01:11:12]  Okay.
[01:11:13]  It's going to be really, really awesome.
[01:11:15]  And Good Nights Comedy Club, late August in North Carolina, 822, August 22nd through the 24th.
[01:11:27]  Good Nights Comedy Club in Raleigh, North Carolina.
[01:11:32]  College might be back in session.
[01:11:34]  So if you want to come and fuck me in the mouth in the green room, send a DM and a photo, please.
[01:11:43]  Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-O-N on Instagram.
[01:11:45]  We're being shadow banned.
[01:11:46]  Our numbers are hurting.
[01:11:47]  Please get over there.
[01:11:48]  It's a lot of fun.
[01:11:49]  Also, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-O-N on Twitter.
[01:11:52]  Devin Costa, where can people find you?
[01:11:54]  You have a podcast called Hate That You Love It.
[01:11:57]  It's on Apple Podcasts on Apple Podcasts.
[01:11:59]  What is your social media?
[01:12:00]  Twitter at Devin Costa, D-E-V-A-N, C-O-S-T-A, and youTube.com slash Devin Costa.
[01:12:06]  Go subscribe to Tim Dylan is going to hell, the YouTube channel, please.
[01:12:09]  Okay, we want to grow the subscriber base there.
[01:12:11]  We've got clips coming, videos coming.
[01:12:13]  Patreon will be started within the next week or two.
[01:12:16]  We'll have all of the archives from Gas Digital, all the shows that we've done for the last two years, a lot of great conspiracy interviews if you're into that shit.
[01:12:22]  A lot of funny interviews.
[01:12:24]  You can go back two and a half years to see the start of the show.
[01:12:27]  We'll have some different tiers on Patreon.
[01:12:28]  It won't be a ton.
[01:12:29]  It's not going to be super complex.
[01:12:31]  But if you want all those archives, we'll get you those archives.
[01:12:35]  We're also going to do an extra episode a week for people that want to contribute to the show.
[01:12:40]  But if you cannot afford that, that's fine.
[01:12:42]  Keep telling people about the show.
[01:12:43]  Subscribe on Apple Podcasts.
[01:12:45]  Subscribe on YouTube.
[01:12:47]  Weigh in if we should get a studio if you like the porch.
[01:12:50]  If you like the porch, we'll stay with the porch for a little while.
[01:12:52]  I like it, you know.
[01:12:57]  I'm so sick and I have to keep flying.
[01:13:00]  And it's disgusting.
[01:13:02]  I should practice self-care and not go to these gigs.
[01:13:05]  Yeah.
[01:13:05]  You should be homeless.
[01:13:07]  Yeah.
[01:13:08]  Love that.
[01:13:09]  Self-care.
[01:13:10]  And I know that a million people are going to get mad at me.
[01:13:12]  Number one, they don't understand comedy.
[01:13:14]  So they're going to be like, they're going to be like, actually, self-care is for your mental health and it helps you stay mentally fit.
[01:13:24]  And listen, don't start.
[01:13:26]  I don't care.
[01:13:27]  Hey, shut up out there.
[01:13:29]  Shut your mouth.
[01:13:30]  One of Mac Miller's last best songs was called Self-Care.
[01:13:32]  And then he overdosed.
[01:13:34]  Yeah, Mac Miller, who is very talented and I like, by the way.
[01:13:36]  He's great.
[01:13:37]  I'm going to do some big social media stuff soon.
[01:13:40]  I'm going to get some of these YouTubers, these crazy wild YouTube guys on.
[01:13:44]  Oh, really?
[01:13:45]  Yeah, all those guys that used to shit on four years ago, now we're all as comics.
[01:13:48]  Like we have to be them or we're going to die in the street.
[01:13:50]  That's funny how that happened, huh?
[01:13:52]  We all thought it was so cool sitting at Gotham Comedy Club four years ago, shitting on these YouTubers.
[01:13:57]  Now they all own houses.
[01:13:58]  We can't afford a chicken sandwich.
[01:14:01]  And we're desperate.
[01:14:02]  Desperate as hell to get on there.
[01:14:04]  You're postmaning to Logan Paul.
[01:14:06]  Yeah.
[01:14:06]  Yeah, right.
[01:14:07]  It's true.
[01:14:09]  Yeah.
[01:14:12]  It's the way of the world.
[01:14:13]  But leave your friends and family.
[01:14:15]  Leave them.
[01:14:15]  If they're not doing, if they're not working for you, take a sabbatical.
[01:14:18]  Take a break.
[01:14:19]  Reign it in.
[01:14:21]  Okay.
[01:14:23]  You can, you know, some Gary Vee fans messaged me.
[01:14:26]  They're like, I don't think you get it.
[01:14:27]  No, I get it.
[01:14:28]  I get it.
[01:14:29]  Okay?
[01:14:30]  I get it.
[01:14:31]  Okay.
[01:14:32]  Everybody needs something.
[01:14:34]  Some people need Gary Vee.
[01:14:36]  Some people need whatever.
[01:14:40]  Yeah.
[01:14:40]  I get it.
[01:14:41]  I'm not taking away what you, if you need it, if you need Gary Vee to tell you to hustle, hey, I don't, you know.
[01:14:50]  Do you think Gary Vee maybe has some people on the inside of Instagram that he was kind of pissed off about?
[01:14:55]  I don't know.
[01:14:55]  So I've heard things about that.
[01:14:56]  I don't know.
[01:14:57]  I don't want to embrace conspiracy thinking, but I have heard.
[01:15:03]  You're right.
[01:15:03]  Why would you do that?
[01:15:05]  I've heard that, yeah.
[01:15:06]  I mean, I don't know.
[01:15:07]  I don't know.
[01:15:08]  I don't know, man.
[01:15:09]  I don't like people without a sense of humor.
[01:15:12]  You say whatever.
[01:15:13]  I don't care what you say about me.
[01:15:15]  I don't give a fuck.
[01:15:15]  I mean, I think it's all fun and games.
[01:15:18]  I some of what I say has value.
[01:15:21]  Some of what I say is insane and ridiculous.
[01:15:22]  It should be entertaining.
[01:15:24]  But Gary Vee's not doesn't say that.
[01:15:25]  Gary Vee thinks every word that comes out of his mouth is great.
[01:15:29]  He tweeted the other day, kindness is delicious.
[01:15:31]  I mean, you know, if you need that, if you're a person out there and you need a guy to tweet, kindness is delicious.
[01:15:41]  It's like there's these LA cult churches.
[01:15:43]  Like, you know, Mosaic, that church, that LA church.
[01:15:47]  All these good-looking people just go in there and these fucking actors and shit.
[01:15:51]  They're all guilty because they have money and all their friends are, you know, living in their own filth.
[01:15:55]  So they go into Mosaic church and, you know, they're like, they just got like a rock band on stage and they're like, oh, God is an awesome God or whatever, you know, the Christian rock.
[01:16:05]  And they're like, it's hip.
[01:16:06]  It's cool.
[01:16:07]  It doesn't matter.
[01:16:08]  You know, I'm like, I love God.
[01:16:10]  I'll lead a trans person's ass or whatever.
[01:16:12]  Whatever it is.
[01:16:12]  You know, they don't like gay people serving the leadership over there, though.

=== LA Cult Churches and Jail (01:30) ===

[01:16:16]  Neither would I.
[01:16:17]  They wouldn't show up.
[01:16:18]  But church was at 11.
[01:16:23]  But, you know, it's a very, that's type of, we're not on the planet Earth here in LA a little bit.
[01:16:30]  No.
[01:16:30]  People are not on Earth.
[01:16:31]  No, no.
[01:16:32]  And so things work really well when they're not on Earth.
[01:16:35]  Like, like, like cult-like churches, you know?
[01:16:39]  Horoscopes.
[01:16:40]  Horror.
[01:16:40]  I love it.
[01:16:41]  I had a woman that I worked with not show up to work one time for a whole week.
[01:16:44]  It was a weed job, so you kind of could do that.
[01:16:46]  Right.
[01:16:47]  But I asked her, like, what happened?
[01:16:48]  And we worked near the beach.
[01:16:49]  So on lunch, we'd go sit at the beach sometimes.
[01:16:51]  And she said, last week I was at the beach and a seagull shit on my head.
[01:16:58]  And it already wasn't my month.
[01:16:59]  So I just took that as a sign, man.
[01:17:02]  And she didn't show up to work.
[01:17:04]  Yeah.
[01:17:04]  It was amazing.
[01:17:05]  It already wasn't my month.
[01:17:06]  She had a weird interaction with a bird.
[01:17:08]  By the way, nothing is less interesting, and I'm not going to go into it now.
[01:17:12]  Nothing is less interesting than like the burgeoning weed business.
[01:17:15]  Oh, no.
[01:17:16]  Could anything be less interesting?
[01:17:18]  It's the worst.
[01:17:19]  It's the worst.
[01:17:20]  Like, I have friends in it and they try to show me what they're doing.
[01:17:23]  Med men.
[01:17:24]  It's like Verizon.
[01:17:25]  I'm at a convention.
[01:17:26]  There's people blowing bongs.
[01:17:27]  It's like, guys, how about we recriminalize this and put everyone in jail again?
[01:17:31]  How about everybody goes back to jail?
[01:17:33]  I'm all for that.
[01:17:35]  Ban private prisons.
[01:17:36]  We need prisons inside.
[01:17:38]  It's Starbucks and Chase.
[01:17:39]  We need so many prisons in this country that you can't go walk a block without seeing one.
[01:17:45]  Yeah.
[01:17:45]  Goodbye, everyone.