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June 16, 2019 - The Tim Dillon Show
01:06:48
152: 152 - Feral
# west hollywood tim dylan neuralink alex jones chelsea manning comedy industry conspiracy theories dallas pride darpa desmond the amazing devin costa edward snowden elon musk government overreach gun rights isis lgbtq+ culture

Tim is joined by Devan Costa live from the porch once again. Tim is settling down in Los Angeles and running into a lot of demons and feral people. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcriber: nvidia/parakeet-tdt-0.6b-v2, sat-12l-sm, and large-v3-turbo
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Time Text
Road Trip Tow Truck Scams 00:03:23
And now, Tim Dylan is going to hell.
Welcome to Tim Dylan's Going to Hell, everybody.
It's a nighttime podcast right here in Los Angeles, California.
Devin Costa's back.
It's great to be back.
How long were you gone?
Oh, like a week and a half, I think.
Road trip?
Road trip.
Moving my girlfriend out to LA from Dallas, driving back with her car that broke down.
What kind of car?
It's a Mazda CX7, 2008.
Her aunt gave it to her.
It was her daughter's car.
Yeah.
So we got some work done on it.
Like, just for, like, take it in.
Like, is it okay for a road trip?
You know, they charge us like $400 to a radiator flush, all sorts of shit.
That's a lot.
You know, $400.
Yeah.
That's a lot.
It's fine.
They say it's fine.
Within half a mile of driving it back to her place, the engine starts smoking.
We have to pull it over.
We get a tow truck driver to come out from All State.
They only, you know, have tow truck drivers from like Saudi Arabia that speak in grunts.
Like nobody knows what's going on.
Yeah.
We have him take it back to the same mechanic, but even though I'm like, I don't know, I feel like they fucked us since they just worked on it and it broke.
We get back to the next morning, tires flat.
The tow truck driver just popped one of the tires just because he didn't care about, you know, tying it up right onto the fucking tow truck.
It was just an endless thing.
Then they charge us $800 for an air conditioning compressor.
And then we're like having.
When you're on the side of the road and you're fucked, you're treated worse than a pedophile who's like caught in a schoolyard.
It really, you were treated like you are when you were on the side of the road.
You were at your most vulnerable and helpless when you were in this Long Island mafia-owned tow truck companies own the parkways.
Right.
So AAA will tell you, they're like, we don't, we'll reimburse you, but we don't even go on the northern state.
They don't want to deal with it.
Yeah, they're like, we don't even do that.
So you call Johnny and Vinny's removal.
Yeah.
Johnny's towing and they'll hook you up.
And then some guy pulls up.
He's like, hey, how you doing?
My friend lent me his car once.
A lot of people lend me their cars, their homes, things like that.
And I expect the things you lend me to be in good condition.
That's the reality.
You're lending me your car.
This fucker lends it to me and the thing breaks down.
And I call him up and I scream at him.
I go in.
Now, when this happens to you, do you look at the girlfriend?
Do you start going wild?
I just, I mean, well, no, because she would freak out.
Right.
So if I like started complaining too much, being myself, if I'm alone, oh my God, it's fucking, it's over.
I'm just screaming at the tow truck driver.
I'm screaming at the mechanics.
Yeah.
I'm going to pretend that they fucked with it and I know you're up to something and shit like that.
But with her around, I have to be like diplomatic a little bit.
I have to pretend I know anything about cars.
Yeah.
Oh, radiator.
I just, I don't know what I'm doing.
I try to get in with the tow truck people and I go, let's, I'll get in on a scam.
I'll break more of the car.
Screaming At The Mechanic 00:16:18
Just cut me in.
Tell me what I need to do.
Once it gets to that level, it's like you're in debt to the car Lacosa Nostra.
Like you're, it's like the mafia, they, they have you by the balls.
You need to get around and they control you having transportation.
I don't want to buy a car here.
I've been in LA about a week and I'm Ubering and Uber costs money if you're going all over the place.
And I spent $80 the other night on Uber to perform at a coffee house.
Okay, $80.
I spent $30 to go to Santa Monica.
Welcome to LA.
And then I made $10.
I got Venmo $10, which is worse than nothing.
It is worse.
You'd rather get nothing.
You'd rather get nothing.
You get Venmo'd me $10.
Then my friend guilted me.
She goes, You said you would do our show too.
So I said, Okay.
And then I got in a 30-minute $45 Uber all the way to the East Side, wherever the fuck they took performance of Coffee House.
I'm going to go bankrupt doing comedy here.
Like, I'm going to, I'm spending more money.
Right.
Getting to the place than you're getting from the comedy.
And it's bad.
Yeah.
You're also, your self-esteem is just.
I got, and here's the problem.
You got to watch out for who books you here because there's certain, listen, and I don't want to offend anyone here, but here's the reality of what is going on.
Do you know, have you seen like a horror movie or the like The Walking Dead or Bird Box or any of these zombie movies, these post-apocalyptic movies where like everybody gets a disease?
And there's always a scene in the movie where a guy, you know, like eight people that haven't been turned into zombies or holed up somewhere.
And then somebody comes into the thing and they're trying to figure out like, is this person feral?
Right.
Have they been bit?
You can't say.
So this is the thing.
When you get booked on a show, you start going.
So I look at this one comic.
She books me.
She goes, hey, I'm a fan.
I got two shows for you.
So I said, okay, really cool.
Then I look at her Facebook and I see her Facebook profile has every club she's ever worked at.
Like comedian at comedy store, comedian at improv, comedian at flatbirds, comedian at this, right?
Comedian at ha ha, comedian at.
So immediately, as soon as I see that, I go, she's been bit.
She's feral.
She's feral.
She's feral, which means she's mentally ill.
She's no longer with us.
She's no longer healthy.
She's no longer fighting the good fight.
She's been bit.
She has the disease.
She has the disease.
She's got the itch real bad.
So I'm a little skeptical of the show, but I figure it's probably just a regular shitty show that this zombie people.
Yeah, that this zombie has booked me on.
Because that's what comedians who don't succeed become zombies because they're running on an operating system that isn't human.
It's not human anymore.
You're not having human feelings and interactions.
You're just, you're out there in the fucking.
So I show up to this lounge in Studio City at 7 fucking p.m.
It's the day.
It's the day.
And it's a lounge.
Okay.
I go in and there's a bouncer there and he goes, hey, man.
He puts his hand up like, whoa, like, where do you think you're going?
Who the fuck are you?
Immediately, I know it's a problem.
He goes, are you audience or are you on the show?
And I'm like, I'm on the show.
And he goes, all right, what's your name?
He goes, write it down.
So I write it down.
And then I swear to God, he goes, legibly.
So I write it down again.
Yeah, more legibly.
And he goes, did you get a chance to share the flyer?
The guy at the door asked me.
He said this to me.
The flyer where my name is spelt wrong.
And the flyer that is also advertising seven weeks of upcoming shows with other headlines.
Okay.
That flyer, he would have liked me to promote their entire operation.
And I said, yeah, I think I retweeted it.
He thought for a minute.
He thought for a minute.
And then that was apparently okay.
And he goes like this.
He goes, okay.
So I made it past him.
So I go in, I go into this fucking dungeon.
Pair.
I look around.
Well, we can't do that now because we have the video.
Everyone knows.
But I don't smoke.
And I will say this: we are sponsored by Marlborough Lights.
Marlborough Lights, they're not just for Asians, but Asians love them.
And I think that's a smart ad campaign.
It is.
They should do that.
I walk into this lounge and I look around at everybody that's there and it's clearly people that are not, they're not audience.
They're all comedians and they're all unwell.
You can see them.
It's just people that are just starting.
They think this is their moment.
Right, right.
It's not a cool mic.
It ain't hit.
You can tell these aren't the kids who think these people are.
And then I look at the woman who booked me and I can just tell.
I look, I take a quick look at her and she's thrilled.
She's smiling.
I can't believe you showed up.
She's feral.
She's been bit.
So she's thrilled.
She's happy and she's smiling.
And I say, oh, she's a zombie.
She's a zombie.
So now I got to talk to this feral zombie who is bitten by the bug of delusion and everything else.
So I say to her, I go, hi.
Is this an open mic?
Like, just let's.
Jesus.
She goes, no, it's a book show.
She goes, but it's all comics in the audience.
And I'm like, well, that's a mic, but I don't say that to her.
No, you can't.
Because she's been bit.
So I don't want her to bite me.
I don't want whatever has infected her to infect me.
That's why you can't spend time with losers.
People think I'm being mean when I say that.
No, you catch it.
You catch loser from these people.
So then I see a girl that I love who's a brilliant comic who's sitting at the bar, who's really good, who's had a rough go of it.
And I walk up to her.
I approach her carefully because I don't know if she's been bit either, but it don't look good.
Doesn't look good.
Doesn't look good.
She looks fine from the outside.
You can't see the scales yet.
You can't see the bulging veins and the bluish skin.
You can't see the vacant look in her eyes and you can't see the blood dripping from her mouth because she's just had a fresh kill.
So I see her sitting at the bar and I'm like, well, she's, she's okay, right?
I mean, I knew her.
She looks how she used to look when I knew her.
Right.
I walk over to her and I go, hey, how are you?
And I say, is this an open mic?
And I swear to Christ, she put her hand on my shoulder and she looked at me.
She goes, honey, where in hell?
And then she goes, you want to see the dresses I bought?
And she opens a bag and starts pulling out dresses, which were disgusting.
And I mean, I'm not a fashionista, but they were like shit brown.
They were not good.
Yeah.
This was not a rodeo spree.
She was on.
These were probably dresses of people who she bit.
And she's drinking a milk glass of scotch.
And she then, and then as she showed me the dresses, I just back away slowly.
Right.
I back away slowly.
Like if I had a gun, I would have the gun on everybody as I back away.
Like I'm making, I'm looking at everyone, not making eye contact.
And I finally get in an Uber and I get the fuck out of there.
And then this cont who booked me messages me on Instagram.
She's like, what about that other show I had you booked on?
I'm like, well, what's the deal with that one?
She booked two different shows?
Yeah, because I still, she's like, oh, don't worry, I already booked it.
And then I wanted to go off on her, tell her what she was about.
Right.
Tell her, but then I said, no, no, block her.
Just block her.
Yeah, you have her.
Get her out.
Yeah.
Get her.
Don't send her a message.
And she's going to then publicize.
These people are like, they're like mediums that talk to ghosts, except the ghosts are their shows and their career in comedy.
People cannot even begin to understand the human tragedy that is comedy.
It's unbelievable.
Most of the shows here, they're like pranks.
You show up and it's like, is this jackass?
Like, what is going on?
Are there cameras around?
Why'd you do this to me?
I don't care where you work.
I don't care if you work in a cancer ward of sick children.
There is nothing sadder than what this is.
I don't care if every day you have to walk into a room and tell a bunch of parents it's his last morning.
Go on in there and kiss him.
That is much more uplifting than dealing with the feral zombies that walk the earth in hell.
It's like we just saw this great play, The Ferryman in New York City.
And man, I wish I had that quote from like Greek mythology or something where the guy goes, and there's just these thousand souls.
Hades won't even take them on the river across to like hell or whatever.
There's these thousand souls.
They just walk the earth undead, looking, waiting for the ferryman.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.
I know them all.
Yeah.
I know those people.
I got them in my phone.
I know.
And you got to be nice.
I'm like, no, it's okay.
I just, I can't show up because of this or that.
You can't just say like, you're an absolute sociopathic maniac.
I'm not saying that I am fucking, you know, like anything that should be respected or whatever.
I'm saying if you have a show, tonight I walked through a show to have four people there.
Right.
And I said, we're not doing this, right?
No, and then they looked at me like I was insane.
Right.
No, see, it doesn't matter who you are.
It matters that you're a human being that deserves human respect.
Yes, queen.
And for whatever reason, the minute you say you do stand-up, people are just like, no, it's okay.
You'll come.
You do stand-up in my bathroom to my, you know, I was in a, right.
You come, come do stand-up in my bathroom.
I'm going to OD in the top.
I was in an Uber the other day going, you know, taking another $70 Uber ride just around L.A.
The Uber guy goes, yeah, you in the comedy business.
And I'm like, I'm like, because I was talking to him on the phone.
So I go, yeah, I was.
He goes, you know, I always want to get in that older guy, older guy, the white guy, like, you know, that, you know, like someone's fun uncle who ain't that fun.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
That guy.
Yeah.
And he's like, you know, I always wanted to get in.
He goes, it seems like it takes so much balls to just get up there.
And as he says that, I just put my headphones in and I just pressed play and just went out.
I just stopped.
I said, I can't do it.
I can't even engage this guy in conversation about what an utter nightmare.
I mean, just and that's for his own sake.
I mean, you know, like you would just be so unbearably just.
He goes, it's got to take a lot when there's a lot of people in the audience.
I said, well, there's no one in the audience, sir.
Lucky for you, there's no one here.
Everyone in the audience wants to get on the stage.
They're just waiting to get on the stage.
Yeah.
It's a fucking.
That's a bunch of people making flyers.
It's just they're using, you know, Windows Movie Maker.
They're making a really good flyer.
They just care about the flyer.
Yeah.
They put a movie scene that they love that they couldn't.
You should do a fake show that never happens and just make a big fly.
That's it.
A glossy flyer.
There was a whole year in LA where I just posted that I was on shows.
Yeah, no one knows.
I would just say, like, I'm on Laughtub tonight, 9 p.m.
Check it out.
Come.
I would cancel mics.
I'd be like, the mics canceled.
People would not show up.
You can just have control.
It's all a farce.
It's all insane.
It's completely insane.
They are wandering the earth.
Souls that can't get into heaven or hell awaiting the ferryman that just won the Tony for best play.
That's what it is.
They are just the damaged.
It's not even cute.
No, it's really not cute.
If you're not performing in a club, it's embarrassing now.
People are going, I'm having my four-year anniversary show, and we're doing it in the back of a truck, and we're opening up the truck, and we're doing some pop-up show in the back of a truck going down the 405, and it's the four-year anniversary.
I walk into some of these shows and I'm like, you've been doing this three years.
You're admitting it, and you're having an anniversary.
How about you get married and have an anniversary with someone who loves you?
Right.
Instead of inflicting your comedy on people.
Worst is the road trips that you see them.
And they post on Facebook, you know, like, just drove 37 hours straight.
Oh, yeah.
Finally, in, you know, upstate New York.
Yeah.
Four people in the crowd.
I did 70 minutes.
I just want to say to everyone in this audience who's not pursued your dream, good for you.
Yeah, you're like legends.
You are the legends.
They're amazing people.
You are the winner.
Just, God, the people that just went and got their welders.
The winner.
The winner is the person who unclogs a toilet and gets paid for it.
Right.
That's the win.
The winner is not the person who wanders around Los Angeles for 35 years trying to get it.
It's really.
It's crazy.
It's insane.
And then the other half of it here, which I love, is I have a few friends who are connected to obscene wealth, the kind of wealth that doesn't even make sense.
And it's so, it's, they're so rich, they're bored.
Like, have you met people that are so rich?
Yeah, they're bored.
They leave.
Like, they go on vacation away from their vacation.
That is their life, essentially.
They have these, they have lots that are 18,000 square feet, houses that are 6,500 square feet, rooms upon room.
No one's using any of these rooms.
There's homeless people living in the rooms.
They've never met the homeless.
And they just float in a pool all day, and it's boring.
They have 10-foot hedges, so nobody could see them.
Then there's all these, like, I went to one or two of these rooftop pools, and the idea of everyone being hot here is like a movie.
That's a TV show.
Because I went to a few of these rooftop pools.
There's fat chicks eating bowls of ice cream.
Yeah.
Because that's the new thing now.
No, that's what's hot now.
That's hot.
There's billboards and I've seen in LA for weed, like Kush City or something, and they're all sponsored, but it's a fat woman on every single ad.
Yeah.
Like sponsoring the weed.
You got to be near death right now to get any attention.
Yeah.
If they don't think you're going to explode in the room, they won't write a check.
You got to be fat, like big, like not even curvy anymore.
No.
Because then they get mad at you.
If they give a curvy person like Amy Schumer a job, they all go insane and go, but she can still walk on her own.
So she's not really representing us.
We want a scooter bitch in that movie.
We want a girl that can't fit through a subway turnstile that has to be rolled around like Violet Beauregard.
It's not representation if she can breathe on her own.
Does she have a sleep apnea mask?
If not, it ain't representation.
We want fatties, not curvy, not a few, you throw down a few chip witches.
I'm talking about sitting alone in your apartment drinking soda and eating chips, like dirty white trash fat, like constantly farting, where you're never not farting.
Right.
All the way to the bottom of the farting.
That's the level of fat.
Where their walking is fueled by their farts.
Yeah, like a hot air balloon that's just losing altitude.
That's the type of woman we want representing our brand.
They hydrate with Hollandaise.
People get mad at these brands.
They have plus-size models and they get mad that the women aren't in a hospital.
Right.
They're not in an OR.
Because, you know, surgery is invasive shaming.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right.
Right.
Well, you can't, you can't, you know, it's, you can't say anything about it.
You're actually like an accessory to murder if you don't say, like, if you're not honest about somebody's unhealthy weight, aren't you kind of aiding them and dying?
Well, many of the people that are succeeding right now in this business, and I say this, are people, and myself is one of them, people that should be in some form of a group home.
Like, these are people that shouldn't be allowed to plan their own day.
They should have lost.
Shaming Unhealthy Weight Loss 00:04:07
You look at some, you watch some people now that have a show and you go, that person's like retarded.
Right?
Right.
Like their brain is bouncing around in their head.
Yeah.
And then there's a bunch of people making a lot of money watching.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Watching this person emolliate in front of them.
They're like bearded ladies in the circus, you know, being exploited by a you know a network.
But I mean, other than other than that, LA's been great.
Other than that, it's been a real, we've had a real time of it.
And I show one of my friends, show one of these guys from Long Island the house I'm at.
I'm like, this is a beautiful house.
This is why people from Long Island, you always gotta, I always have respect for them because there's a level of stupidity that they have like, it's become like, it's so innate to who they are to try to educate them would be to completely destroy them.
Yeah.
It would be to completely, because my friend goes, that ain't that nice.
And I go, okay.
He goes, the bricks are fucked up.
And then in this beautiful, huge backyard in LA, he zooms in on a few bricks on the deck that aren't even.
Italian guy.
He was a bricklayer, hasn't it on his build.
And I'm like, dude, what is wrong with you?
It's muscle memory.
But this is the way that they just look at everything.
You're like, so what?
Right, right.
That ain't good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I should have laid those bricks.
Right.
I envy that, though, in a way, you know?
I envy that.
That's great.
It's one of the ways, and that's why I took Ben out to Long Island when he came to New York.
And he kind of got it immediately because one of the first things we saw was a Chevy Suburban on like, what was that thing on?
It was on like huge, it was like a monster truck that they had made out of a Chevy Suburban.
Completely irrational, unreasonable, no reason for it.
And just it's there.
It's there.
And the guy's just driving like a psychopath.
And you go, that's what these people are about.
They don't give a fuck.
Not at all.
And that's what this city's lacking.
Yeah.
A lack of giving a fuck.
Well, you know, I don't know.
I look at here and I'm like, am I going to be here six months, six years, 16 years?
I don't know.
I can't know.
It's very interesting.
Some of my friends are worth so much money and have done so well.
And you look at them and you go, that's a fucking real inspiration.
And then there's people I know that have been bit and are fearful and are wandering the streets waiting for the ferryman.
And you go, well, somewhere between those two, I hope to carve out a little niche for myself.
What were you doing in Dallas?
Do you like Dallas?
No.
I mean, it's nice.
It's set up for people that have made it.
You know, they got money.
And it's just, everyone is just, they're looking forward to their next meal after.
Yeah, well, the people in Dallas, whether they have money or not, they're going out and eating steak.
You're in a suit.
They know.
Yeah.
It's just very nice, but it's like, it's like, you know, even the young people, it's like, are you retired?
You're like 28.
Like, this is what you just, you just like Long Island.
Everybody in Long Island, like their musical tastes are their parents.
Right.
There's like, there's like 17 year olds that are like, I like Billy Joel.
It's like, yeah, Billy Joel's great, but like, why don't you go and get something that your parents don't approve of?
Right.
Same as politics.
Yeah.
The same, the kid that just peded his parents' politics.
Well, in Long Island, everybody gets a house because their mother starts showing signs of cancer.
And instead of taking her to the doctor and getting her better, you wait.
You just wait and you sit on your hands and you listen to her voice.
And every day it gets a little weaker.
And then one day she goes, you go, everything's fine.
And then she falls down the stairs one day and you look at her and you wait till she stops breathing.
And then you call the ambulance.
And then she's dead.
You inherit her house.
And immediately, while her body is still warm, you start bitching about all the taxes you have to pay on the house that you fucking inherited.
You're like, these taxes are ridiculous.
Waiting For Her To Die 00:14:30
I'm paying for everything here.
And you're 40 years old.
You barely had a job and you're just waiting for your mother to croak.
Yeah.
And that's how they get the fucking, that's how they get the houses.
I can't wait till we do this.
We're doing this thing.
You know, we have Wix as a sponsor.
We're doing this thing where we're allowing people to call in that have upgraded their sites using my site, which is TimDillon'sgoingToHell.com.
No is Tim Dylan's D-I-L-L-O-N-S.
So there's a few.
And one guy sent me a message that ADM me goes, Hey, I'm getting my business idea ready.
Can you buy me a week or two?
I'm definitely going to do the Wix site, but I don't have my business idea ready to go on your show yet.
And I said, Well, we're probably not doing it for another week, but I'm thinking in my head, I'm like, You know, this guy has no idea.
Right.
And he's just sitting around and he's going to call in here and he's going to tell us an idea that's already a thing.
Yeah.
He'll tell us an idea that's already a fully operational business.
Yeah.
You know, he's like, I need a while to get my business idea ready.
I'm like, it's God help us.
It's Uber.
Yeah.
Oh, it will be.
It'll be Grubhub.
It'll be something that's already functional.
I mean, what do you like?
If you're a tech guy now, what do you think?
What is left?
I've thought about that.
I don't know.
Yeah, what is left?
I really don't know.
It's just like apps for.
I think once they legalize prostitution, that's coming.
That'll be good.
That'll be coming.
There will be a cold run.
I want to go on a Grubhub and just pick a dick.
Yeah, right.
And then just go, you know, I think that's going to be the next thing.
That'll be the next thing.
That'll be the next thing.
I bet you they have it already ready.
They're just waiting for like a law to get passed and then they just drop the hammer of their Rogan made a good point.
He's like, there's all these incels.
Legalize prostitution.
Right.
Just legalize prostitution.
Cut out the shootings.
Eventually.
Eventually, what I think you'll start to see is you will start to see like the, there's all these weird, creepy, like Elon Musk owns a bunch of these companies.
I think one is called Neuralink, where it's literally about just, you know, implanting, like it's merging biology with AI.
It's essentially merging.
It's like Elon Musk has said, we got to merge with technology so that AI doesn't destroy us.
We have to merge with it or they're going to destroy us because we've already opened the can of worms and it is what it is.
And as soon as AI can just read, they can read every book that's ever been written in an instant.
They're going to be smarter than us.
They'll be smarter than Jordan Peterson.
They'll be smarter than everybody.
And then they're going to come and they're going to look at us like bugs and they'll probably get they'll just get rid of us if we stand in their way.
So Elon Musk is like, what we have to do is merge with them.
Right.
And the government's been studying all these things.
Like the Pent, there's this thing called DARPA, which is the defense.
I don't know if I'm going to say it right, but it's like the defense agency, the defense agency research projects, administration or something of that.
And they study weapon systems of the future.
And the book on it was written by Andy Jacobson, who's, she just went on Rogan.
And I know her a little because her son is friends with my friend's son.
And I've tried to get her on my show, but she's too busy for that.
And she's got, she talks like a stripper.
And she's like, well, I heard her.
Yeah.
Actually, Joe, Joe.
She's talking about mummies.
Actually, in Area 51, it's really wet.
It's really wet.
And it's wet because.
And it's like, she's a phone sex operator with a brand.
For UFOs, yeah.
Yeah, for UFOs.
So she wrote a book, and she was basically like, listen, these guys are 20 years ahead.
All the technology that we have, 20 years ago, they had this, or they had some version of it.
And that they have things that are so 20 years from now is terrifying.
And she said some of the things that they're working on are these neural links, neural interface programs where you can order drone strikes with your head because it's too much time to order them with your finger.
Because there's a lot of deliberation, right?
Doesn't it seem like that?
Yeah.
When we're just bombing weddings and poor kids playing soccer in Pakistan, it's apparently too hard to level villages.
So what we need to do is have basically some chip in someone's head so they could just think about a drone strike and then it'll just start to light the world on fire.
So that's on its way.
Me and Ben were watching drone strikes the other day.
It's important, by the way, it's important.
If you're feeling patriotic at any point, go and watch a drone strike.
Go watch a death machine fly across the air and kill probably an innocent child and really get an idea.
And the idea that, like, and by the way, these people have never even seen this technology.
It would be the equivalent of us having UFOs come here and just vaporize them.
They're out there and we're just, and you start to realize that, like, ISIS was never a threat.
All of the idea that these people are threats is a complete fucking lie.
These people are in caves.
We fund them.
We fund them.
We make them.
They're false enemies.
They're improv teams.
Yes, and terrorists.
Yeah, that's what we do.
That's exactly what we do.
Yeah.
Okay, so pretend that you're, let's say you were going to attack a country, which maybe you do it with this weapon.
This is a prop.
It's that old Bill Hicks joke.
You know, you give the guy, you know, you give, it's like that Jack Palance in the movie Shane.
You give the guy a gun and you're like, look at, yeah, look at him.
He had a gun.
But it's like you watch those drone strikes and you say to yourself, it's hard to take any politician seriously that gets on TV and starts talking about ISIS or any of these.
You could just vaporize.
I know.
And they all have to get to that level, which is the most depressing part because they all start off like in this time where they go on Rogan.
They sound like, oh, man, like grassroots.
Like this is going to be, they're like real.
It's a real person.
Yeah.
They keep going.
A year goes by, they campaign, then they're talking about all this shit that we're talking about.
You got bit.
Yeah.
Well, yeah, well, what I think the reality is that one of the two things is the show, right?
So it's either Obama coming out before he gets into office saying, I think that we've gone a little too far in Iraq, which is what needed to happen.
Nobody would have won if a guy was like, listen, the problem is we need more.
At that point, the country was like, wait, wait, hold on, wait a minute.
You needed a guy who was cerebral and articulate to go out there and go, yeah, there's limits to what the American military could do.
So then what they did was just quietly drone strike people, quietly drone strike people.
And then he, you know, went on Ellen and danced.
So all these idiot blue check marks out here were like, ya queen.
They were like, oh, he's great.
And so you say to yourself, you're like, well, which is the real guy?
And then it's more complicated than that, I'm sure.
And I'm sure it's not as easy.
And I'm sure when you get in there, the CIA, all these people, because I know because I've read books and I've had people on the show, they start telling you all the things that you need to do because we're in, because they basically go in there and go, the presidential daily briefing, the threat assessment, which Trump, by the way, was like, I don't need it.
Thanks.
Keep moving.
But that is really to just go in there and terrify who's ever the president.
They just terrify him.
And they go, we heard that a guy was going to blow up the Sears Tower just because some raving lunatic, some open micer in Beirut is running around talking nonsense.
And they present it to the president like it's an actionable piece of information.
Right.
Where they're like, well, any day now, that's so you just better authorize whatever the fuck we have to do.
And this is why it's like it's hard to take anybody fucking seriously when they go out there, any of these politicians, and they start talking about, you know, the great threats and da-da-da-da-da.
And it's, yeah, I mean, it's like, you know.
It's like a, I feel like now it's like a, the country's like a, like a Madlet, like they fill in the blanks for what they know we want to hear now because they're hip enough to it because of the internet and shit.
So like, oh, the people, okay, now I know what they want to hear.
I'm not going to come off all fucking dumb, like at the 80s or 90s, like just out of touch.
Right.
I'm going to say what they want to hear.
But then when I'm in, I'll just do what the fuck they tell me to do.
Yeah.
Because that's what we have to do.
All the threats are internal.
Yeah.
Let's be honest.
Yeah.
It's the opium.
I mean, the opioid epidemic.
You have, you know.
Yeah, we ain't focused on any of that.
We're not focusing on that.
We have, we have people eating food with plastic in it, pretty much.
Like we have, we have people turning on their faucet and like purple water's coming out, brown water, shit colored water is coming out.
You know, we have a healthcare system where, I mean, I love this tweet where the guy goes, they go, isn't this great?
Home Depot, they tweet outside Home Depot.
They go, isn't it great?
They didn't know if his healthcare company would cover a walker for this three-year-old.
So Home Depot made him one.
Home Depot went and got some scraps from the parking lot and made a walker for this three-year-old because his parents talked to the healthcare company.
The healthcare company's like, well, I don't know.
We got to figure this out.
But why don't you carry him?
So they just fashioned a walker out of scraps in Home Depot.
And this poor kid is, so I mean, it's like, I mean, it is an evil system.
It's a bad, bad system out there.
And then you ask like, you know, Ben Shapiro and those guys, and you're like, well, you know, start a hedge fund.
What about, how about, why don't you do some currency arbitrage?
Why didn't the family, why didn't the family think about that?
Why didn't the family incorporate themselves and start buying real estate and flipping prop like, you know?
It's like the utter callousness of people.
And I'm not even that, like, I'm not a left-wing guy.
I'm not a right-wing guy.
I'm just a guy that looks at things and goes, we're beyond fucked.
And how, like, I don't think it's helpful that now if a 17-year-old comes up to you and goes, by the way, I'm from another planet.
And you go, wait, what?
They go, you're a Nazi.
That's not helpful.
Yeah.
That's not helpful.
It became a little dangerous when you were considered like punk rock to think there's like two genders.
Right.
When that day came, I was like, wait, what?
You're like a bad guy if you're like, no, there's like men and there's women.
And they're like, wow.
There's no logical.
There's no rational, logical person that when you say to them, there's actually an innumerable amount of genders.
Nobody believes that.
No.
People are either terrified into opening their mouths.
There's not a human being on earth that that makes sense to.
No.
Okay?
No.
Nobody.
Even the person saying that they're offended.
No, that person's been bit.
They're feral.
There's a lot of people that have been bit.
That's the problem.
You look at them, you go, oh, you're feral.
Yeah.
But to the left or to the right.
To the right, you have people talking about race and IQ and we're going to, there needs to be an ethnostate and we're going to, and you go, oh, you're feral.
Yeah.
You got bit.
Right.
And then the New York Times writes this article where they're like, well, people went down a YouTube rabbit hole and ended up radicalized to the right, which is easy to do, according to the New York Times.
And listen, I get it.
You can get because a lot of people are on YouTube going, why does my life suck?
Or some of them are just bored.
So they just go and they start here and then they end up somewhere in the nether regions or the internet watching David Duke or whatever.
But then you also got to realize that happens to the left.
The New York Times acts like there's no such thing as left-wing extremism.
And then go on Tumblr and there's somebody that's identifying as a cat.
Well, that person was radicalized by something.
People that are calling themselves other kin.
I'm a fairy.
I'm a pixie.
I'm a pansexual, queer-identifying demi-plepe.
Like, this is...
Both sides completely influence.
Yeah, salon.com is.
You're Ben Shapiro.
You're talking about Farrell.
Ben Shapiro's like a house cat.
Like he's in the same way where he's like, black people, like, why do they have so much black and black crime?
It's like, you're from Sherman Oaks.
You've never lived anywhere but Sherman Oaks.
You met a black person three times.
Candace Owens.
Candace Owens.
This is your first black friend.
Yeah.
But that's the thing.
And you have to now deal with rabid zombies like they're people.
And that, because everybody has a place at the table.
So somebody saddles up to the table and starts spouting craziness.
And you have to sit there and go, oh, really?
When did you first realize that you were a woman in the morning, but then a man for lunch?
And then a, or when did you realize that gender fluidity was the thing?
What article did you read where you self-diagnosed yourself as being gender fluid?
And I'm not saying that there aren't legitimate cases of people that don't identify as either gender.
Okay.
That's fine.
But you get one fucking designation.
One thing.
You don't get an innumerable amount of fucking things.
That's it.
Okay, I'm non-binary.
Good.
Then that's it.
It can't be 5,000 different make-believe genders that you've come up with because you read the Chronicles of Narnia and you want to be a fawn.
These are all nerds.
I mean, me and Mullen talk about it today.
There's a lot of nerds in the trans community.
Oh, yeah.
Real big nerds.
Yeah.
I have a hell of respect for like real transvestites and transsexuals.
They'll go out to clubs and have fun and do coke and fight each other on the streets in Greenwich Village.
Beat the shit out of each other on the C-train.
I don't think these fuckers are nerds now.
Hormonal geek squad.
They're nerds.
Nerds In The Trans Community 00:12:58
Yeah.
Fucking Lord of the Rings has become the new like fucking these weird like Game of Thrones trannies.
What is this?
What kind of tranny are you?
Well, actually, Westeros, I mean, it's like, wait a minute, what?
We've made trannies into people are really like kind of incapable at this point of holding two conflicting ideas in their head, which I've always thought was the basis of just like a normal, intelligent person.
I can't solve everything.
So I have to just kind of look at it in the middle.
There's nobody that I've ever liked in my life that I didn't also want to kill.
Right.
That is the thing that you have to remember.
There's not one person I've ever truly loved and appreciated that I didn't want to kill.
I imagine my close friends getting into car accidents as I go to bed.
I imagine them taking their last breath.
And I love them.
I love them more than anything.
But to me, if you don't feel that way, if you don't understand duality, you're not covering all basics.
You got to understand deep.
Like, I'm staying right now in LA at a house that my crazy friend is.
I'm paying rent to stay there.
And it's kind of, there's a sadness because her family's kind of dissolving.
But at the same time, there's an opportunity for me in the dissolution of her family unit.
So I have to go there and cannibalize the last bits of life of that family.
And I don't like that.
But baby.
What are you going to do?
They came to me and they go, we don't really kind of want to be a family anymore.
So can you live here with this fat cat?
And I said, yeah.
It doesn't mean I'm thrilled about the circumstances.
But this is what it is.
There's two things happening simultaneously.
You know?
It's like inheriting money from a family member that you loved that died.
You're sad about that, but you're like, oh, but also, like, I'm showing up to the funeral now.
And that's what pisses me off.
All sorts of gear I could say.
You see all these people.
It's like, oh, you want to eat the rich.
You hate the rich, but only because a lot of, in many cases, you want to be the rich.
And I'm not talking about people that have principled arguments, like, you know, the three-year-old with the fucking walker.
This is disgusting.
I'm talking about the people who are also rich, but not rich enough.
Right.
Not famous enough.
It's never enough.
And everything that they do and say is just to kind of get them to that next level.
And they admit it.
They go on stage and they admit it.
They're like, yeah, eat the rich, but I'd love to hang out with you.
Yeah.
Tweeting their outrage at billionaires from their Tesla on their way to their fucking $500,000 a year writing job.
They just, they just want to be famous, which is okay, but admit it.
I want an audience.
I want people to appreciate what I do.
I'm good at being funny.
I'm not good at solving problems.
I'm good at solving problems in my own life to an extent, but not even that good at it.
But I'm never going to look at a group of people that came to see me in a theater and say, you know why we did this tonight, folks?
Do you know why we did it tonight?
For the poor.
We did it for them.
That's why I got on the stage and told jokes and made all this money for the poor.
For people that are fucked.
That's why I did this.
What I would say is that, like, hey, I'm doing this because it's what I'm good at.
Hopefully you enjoyed it.
And let's all not be pieces of shit.
And let's try to help people when we can.
But to disguise my career as like it's this altruistic thing, like me having a television show is a difference between the sick and destitute getting what they need to get would make me a fucking crazy person.
That would make me fear.
That would mean I had been bit.
I try not to get bit.
It's hard here.
Hard to not get bit because that's what people, when you hear people talk out here, they're really like, you know what would really help the world is if I got a movie.
Right.
If people could just hear that I'm Dominican, world peace would happen.
Yeah.
I think all the problems in the world would end if people found out that I'm gay.
Yeah, right.
Well, now I'm going to go into meetings and when they're like, Mr. Dylan, I'm going to say, excuse me?
Oh, no, it's Miss.
It is Miss Dylan.
And I'll wait for the check.
Thank you.
I'll wait for the check because my career, I want to sit down with my agents today and say, my career, I want to sit down today at my agency with all these rich fucking people.
And they're sitting there around the table.
And I go, I want all of you to know that my career is about lifting up marginalized voices and it's about ending world hunger.
Yeah.
Okay?
So when you go back to your desk today, don't think, hey, this fat guy just wants more money to stuff pokey in his face.
That ain't it.
That ain't it.
That ain't it at all.
No.
I want you to go back to your desk and go, this gentleman wants to solve world hunger and the Middle East.
I want to solve my career right now.
Yeah.
It's about solving the Israeli-Palestinian issue.
Yes.
Right.
Where everyone is.
That's why that's my next special.
Right.
My next special is about that issue.
Now, I won't have any material about that issue.
You're going to have to take my word for it.
You really are going to have to take my word for it.
I just don't, I don't really have a lot of material on that issue.
Yeah.
But it's about making people feel safe.
Yeah.
That's my career.
Right.
It's about safety.
That's why everybody, that's the other thing that loses me when people start talking about safety.
Like, I don't feel safe.
It's the safest it's ever been.
Yeah.
Crime rates have dropped to a point where you feel like a YouTube video is making you feel unsafe.
In the 70s, you would walk down the street in New York City.
People were cooking bodies.
They were like roasting bodies on a rotisserie like you were in Boston Market.
Nowadays, Travis Bickel is doing a show on YouTube on a webcam.
And people are like, he is like, you know, we got to de-platform him.
De-platform him.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of him.
Somebody tweeted at me.
I'm scared.
Yeah.
A hack did a joke.
People are all up.
I'm going to swat myself.
I'm trying to swat myself.
I call the SWAT team and go, get over here.
I'm kidding.
That's why I never live in an address that I ever, because you can't swap me.
You'll just swat another family that I'm living with, quite frankly, and that's their responsibility and they'll handle it.
You put a gun in somebody's face.
It ain't me.
I won't be there.
We broadcast from undisclosed locations.
I'm like Alex Jones.
You don't know where I am right now.
No.
You don't know where Alex is broadcasting from.
I don't know where I am.
I mean, how's it?
What about the Pride Parade?
Did you celebrate?
Did you go to Dallas Pride?
No.
No, I don't think, I don't think, I think they might have banned it in Dallas.
I don't know.
People are not mad at me.
They're like, oh, you don't go to the Pride Parade.
You didn't go to the Pride Parade.
I've been to Pride events.
I performed at Pride comedy shows.
I'm sober.
It seems like an environment that's fueled with drugs and alcohol.
I don't know, but I'm guessing.
I drove through the Pride Parade once in West Hollywood.
There's a lot of gay people, obviously, West Hollywood, but I also sensed a lot of guys there were just straight dudes trying to capitalize on.
It's also like, can I just suck dick in my room?
Can I be that kind of gay where I suck dick in my room?
Is that part of it anymore?
Yeah.
Is sex even part of it?
Right.
Is fucking, does somebody of the same gender even part of it?
Right.
Or do I have to wrap myself in a cloak and dance around?
Like, and say, these people, half of the people at Pride aren't even fucking.
Right.
They're not even gay, like you said.
Yeah.
It's also happening in places where it's like, yeah, we're okay with gay people.
Do the Pride Parade in Birmingham, Alabama.
Really make a change or something like that.
Ty Rivera.
Ty Rivera is a very funny guy who performs all over the country.
Yeah.
And he goes into places that are hostile to gay people.
Like I used to do.
And he has fucking balls and he goes out and he takes his jokes and he says, here people that might not accept my lifestyle.
You're going to find me fucking funny.
And I'm not lecturing you and I'm not going to moralize.
But I bet you leave here with more respect for gay people because one of them just fucking entertained you for an hour.
Okay.
So of course the industry doesn't give a shit about him.
Okay.
Yeah.
They like the people that are dancing around in West Hollywood like, ha, ha, child.
Nobody, the cats in West Hollywood are fags.
Nobody is impressed.
Performing in New York and LA, the straight men here are gayer than me.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you know how many straight men I could rape just and they wouldn't even say anything?
Yeah.
They would just sit there and be like, okay.
So the hot women are with them.
They don't have to deal with them.
They never touch them.
Right.
It's harder to go into places where they don't like gay people.
And listen, here's also the problem.
Why is there a 10-year-old dancing on this kid, Desmond the Amazing?
Have you seen this?
No, no.
There's a 10-year-old kid or 11, and he's dancing on a bar.
He's one of the drag kids, and he's dancing on a bar, and then people are throwing money at him.
And listen, man, this is not good.
And I've talked to a lot of gay people who are older, and people are like, what the fuck is going on?
And by the way, it's the same gay people that are like, why are there 400 gender?
Because you got to realize at a certain point, a lot of the trans shit and gay shit, bad heads.
Because I'm attracted to dudes.
So if you're a woman and go, I'm a dude.
It's still not working.
It doesn't matter.
It's like if you're attracted to really hot guys and I tell you, I'm thin.
I identify as thin.
I identify as a volleyball champion.
People go, I don't give a fuck.
Yeah.
Because I see what I see.
It's real.
So to me, it's this weird.
Even a kid, it's just so.
No, no, no.
There's something deeply wrong.
Oh, no, he said he was, he said he's a girl for a few weeks in a row.
So we had to do proper measures and get him hormotherapy.
If your kid has gender problems, number one, I empathize to an extent with being different.
But here's the deal.
You cannot inject kids with fucking hormones before they are 18 years old.
This is child abuse, literally.
It is.
And the reality is you cannot have a kid on a fucking bar.
First off, the alcohol.
You're not allowed in bars at 10.
Second.
In his sexual way.
Does he even know what sex is?
Having dudes throw money at him.
Because there's a lot of guys that I talk to who are in the closet and will probably remain so because they don't, they're like, well, I don't want to co-sign this.
Right.
And I don't want to co-sign it either.
I'm like, what the fuck?
I wake up some days and I'm like, what the fuck is going on?
Why is there a 10-year-old kid on a bar dancing?
Who is okay with this?
Who are this kid's parents?
And then everybody's celebrating.
He's on Good Morning America.
Like, this is great.
Now, I'm not against.
If that kid wants to be in a dance class and you have a boy that wants to dance with a woman.
Let him build up to it.
Let him in ballet classes and they don't find out he's gay when he's 16.
My parents put me in dance classes because I was a professional fucking actor, by the way.
And it was part of what I had to do.
And I danced around.
It's fine.
That's not a thing.
The problem is being in a bar and having dudes throw money at you is sick.
And I don't know why.
And there's a lot of people, gay, straight, and otherwise, that are kind of uncomfortable with this shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Because it kind of hurts all the progress that you guys just made just to be allowed to be gay.
It's a problem.
And when you try to have discussions with people, they go, oh, you're a self-hating gay guy, or you're this, or you're that, or you're not really gay, or you don't really, you don't get it.
And I'm like, no, no, no, I get it.
What I also get is that this really sets any movement back because people are looking at this shit and they're going, this is fucking wild.
And it's wrong.
It is.
It's wrong.
And this poor kid is going to be drugged out by the time he's 14 or 15 years old.
And I just don't.
And so it becomes a problem.
And I have no issue.
You can, you know, pride events are great and people, but listen, if you want to wear a G string and do all that stuff, that's not every gay guy.
And the media loves that it thinks it is.
And everybody likes that it is.
And there's all these gay guys that'll go out and be like, well, if you don't embrace that, then you're not really gay.
And it's really crazy.
It's like telling somebody that like, if they don't conform to every stereotype, they're not really, you know, you're not a black guy.
Twisted Freedom And Guns 00:06:46
Oh, you play ball?
Right, right.
You're a rapper?
Oh, you're not black.
Yeah, yeah.
You're like, wait a minute, you know?
Yeah.
It becomes a problem.
And it's like, it's hard to have these conversations with people because you get accused of all these things, but it's like, no, this is not okay.
This is a fucking problem.
The kids, it's just that's I, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy.
I was obsessed with John Wayne movies, loved cowboys.
Imagine if my parents were like, well, we have to respect this.
And they took me to the desert, put me on a horse, and left me alone.
I'm sure that is going on somewhere.
I'm sure where Ben grew up in Texas, that shit's going on.
They're like, our son's a cowbar.
They give him a real gun.
They got to give him a horse.
They give him a real gun.
And then the kid decides the saloon is the lunchroom at school.
And he walks in, he kicks open the doors and he goes, Guess what?
I'm wired Earp.
And then everybody goes down in a hail of bullets, which I am against.
I'm against school shootings.
And I have said that.
I have come out and I've said that.
And I don't know why people have kind of twisted it and made me the I've said that I'm against school shooting.
You denounced it.
No.
No, I am against school shooting.
I've said we got to rein in the guns.
Everybody can't have an AK-47.
It just can't happen.
No.
I know people want it.
But here's the deal, folks.
You don't want freedom.
You say you do.
You really don't.
You don't care that the government reads your mail.
You don't give a shit that the government kidnaps people, tortures them, waives their right to a trial.
You don't care about who gets Miranda right.
You don't care that they're selling black kids.
You don't care that there's private treasure slaves being sold in Libya.
The only thing you really care about is that you can have an Uzi.
That's the only freedom you want to retain, is that you can have an AK-47 because in your Star Wars fantasy, that's how you're going to defeat Nancy Pelosi.
And it's just like, if you care, if this was a really freedom-loving country where people are like, we really want freedom.
And there were riots in the streets when they opened Gitmo and when they passed the Homeland Security Act, people were like, this is fucking insane.
And when they started prosecuting whistleblowers and torturing them, if people gave a shit about any of that, I would take the Second Amendment purists a lot more seriously.
But they don't seem to care about any of that.
They love the cops.
All these people that love guns, they love the police.
They love cops.
They love them kicking in your door.
They love them shooting your dog in the face because you got a little weed in your fridge.
They want fucking, they don't mind fucking beating 15-year-old kids that walk down the wrong street.
They love the police.
They love security.
They love their gated communities.
And they love that the cops are going out there putting guns in black people's faces.
They don't really give a shit about that.
They just want to make sure that they can have a small arsenal in their home.
That's the only thing they really give a shit about.
They don't care.
Oh, good.
Read my mail.
What does it matter?
Read my mail.
Compile a list of people that are critical of the government.
Good.
Yeah.
Good.
That's good.
That's good.
Compile a list of people that have said questionable things online.
That sounds good.
No, fly those death machines in other countries and blow up kids.
Blow arms and legs off Pakistani kids.
I don't care.
I've never met them.
I just want, I just want my guns.
You don't give a shit about freedom.
This is the thing.
You don't.
So I would take you seriously if you did, but you really don't.
No one gives a fuck.
Edward Snowden was run out of the country.
Chelsea Manning, who is annoying on Twitter, but still, they locked Chelsea Manning, this girl.
They locked her in a room and she lived in a tortured case.
And what was her crime?
She said, by the way, we're blowing off civilians' heads.
She leaked that information.
She goes, by the way, you know what we're really doing over here?
And they locked her in a cage.
Obama, the good guy.
They locked her in a cage.
And you know what people did?
They did nothing.
They didn't care.
They didn't care.
Where was the right wing then?
Where was all these gun nuts then?
We're having a moral compass.
When she lost her freedom, then nobody really gives a shit.
No, not at all.
Because I see all these people that are all, you know, their freedom and they're going to take my free.
You don't have any free.
No one's taking the freedoms you don't have.
You have freedom to get in your car and drive to Jack in the box.
And that's all you want.
That's what people say freedom is.
You're like, I can get in my car and go and go down to Ponderosa and get myself a T-bone.
Right.
And then go in your backyard and shoot squirrels or whatever the fuck you're doing.
But this whole idea of freedom, the corporate state.
And this is where I think there'll be people that are like listening in their cars and everything.
And they're kind of looking at their chick or they're looking at their friends and they're kind of like, yeah, I don't, I don't really, you know, the other episode.
I don't know.
I don't know.
The other episode, he talked about his Christmas dinner.
It was, he just shit on that.
That was, that was funny, but I don't, I don't really know where all this is coming from.
And it's coming from that I performed for four fucking people in a deli today.
So someone's got to get it.
And you know who's getting it now?
The corporate state.
I'm giving it to them.
I'm giving it to them.
I'm giving it to the military-industrial complex.
But people think these people have won in a way that it's like, you know.
I mean, we organize marches and revolutions on phones we know were made by slaves.
It's like, what's it's all about.
Well, we don't even organize march.
I said the other day on this podcast, I said, I said this is a joke.
I said, if you were serious, you'd strap a bomb to a toddler and send one into a busy train station every week and blow it up.
And I'm never, I don't advocate violence and I would never because I'm a comedian and I think violence is abhorrent.
But I can't pretend, if we're going to have an intellectual discussion, I can't pretend to ignore the idea that you're not going to really get my, you're not going to get the attention you want without a little bit of, you know, I mean, this is the reality.
Yeah.
You know, you got to, oh, you got to have mass demonstrations.
You got to have millions and millions of people in the street.
But it's not going to happen.
It's never, you're never going to get millions and millions of people in this country to walk into the street and shut that.
They're not.
You're just not.
You're not.
Because we're not a country.
We're a collection of loosely affiliated.
The streets are empty if Game of Thrones is having a finale.
Advocating Against Clown Violence 00:02:40
No one's, everyone's at home.
And we'd all feel stupid.
We'd all feel dumb going.
I'd feel dumb.
Like I'm suggesting this and I'd feel so stupid going to this.
Because then you'd get there and you'd turn around and some person you hate's there and you'd be like, I don't, I don't, I don't condone.
I don't want to be associated with this clown.
Yeah.
And we're all chanting in front of the White House.
And I'm like, I look over and I see some, I see some, this moron that booked me on the open mic.
And I go, oh, I don't want her to live.
Right.
Why am I on her side?
Yeah.
We're never going to come together.
So it's like, all you can really do in this society, all you can really do, to be honest with you, is support my career because my career is the answer.
Yeah.
I've learned that.
I've been in LA only a week and I've really learned that like all we can do is just help Tim Dylan.
Because if I get famous, if I'm really famous and I have like a big house and I live in the Hollywood Hills and I have a big pool, I'm going to swim in it.
But hear me out.
But hear me out.
Just don't fucking don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Let me tell you what else is going to happen.
Every now and then, I'm going to go to a dinner.
I'm going to write a check, and I'm going to give that check to a company that will take 98% of that for their operating expenses, and then distribute 2% of that.
They'll go and they'll hand a guy a new pair of sandals right before our new Darth Vader drone comes and blows his feet off.
And again, I'm not even making light.
It's funny, but it's like I don't like this.
That's why I go on about it.
But I will go to that dinner and I'll sit there and I'll write the check and then I'll go back to my house and I'll swim at night because I like night swimming.
And there's something nice about swimming at night.
It's better than day swimming.
And I'll be a harem of young men there that are there because I appreciate their intellect and what they have to say.
All the guys I go out with are very smart.
They're very smart people.
They say, what a lot.
They go, what?
And I go, right.
And I will swim in the pool with those gentlemen and I will think.
I will think because I'm a thinker.
And I'll ponder.
And I'll go, this is real.
This is kind of wacky.
This is kind of wacky.
This is all kind of wacky.
Night Swimming With Young Men 00:06:02
This is all not good.
And I'll look out and I'll see this city of the Satanists probably be smoking a cigarette, even though I don't smoke.
And I will say to myself, I would look at the boys and I'll look at the boys, young men, and I'll say to them, if I wasn't this successful, do you realize how much worse it would all be?
Do you realize how much worse it would all be if I didn't have this pool and this beautiful home?
Man, you think it's bad now?
It would be chaos in the fucking streets.
So, TimDylanComedy.com, please get tickets for the live shows because we don't want it to get worse.
We only want it to get better.
I will be at Mohegan's Sun June 20th through the 22nd.
Skank Fest on the 23rd.
Hilarities in Cleveland, July 19th and 20th.
American Comedy Company in San Diego, August 1st through the 3rd.
Stress Factory in Jersey, I believe, in September.
Coming to Comedy Connection in Providence in December.
I've got some other things happening.
We've got new videos dropping very soon.
Devin, where can people find you?
You do a lot of funny videos on YouTube.
Go subscribe to Devin.
Watch all his videos.
They are very funny.
He's got a podcast called...
Hate that you love it.
Hate that you love it.
And where else can people find you?
YouTube.com, Devin Costa, D-V-A-N, C-O-S-T-A.
That's mostly where I want you to go.
But Twitter at Devin Costa, same spelling.
And yeah, that's good.
Ben Avery is good on Twitter and Instagram.
And we're cutting some new videos together.
They're going to be really funny.
We're doing some crazy shit.
Still got to go to Vegas.
We're going to Vegas.
We're going to Vegas.
We got a lot of videos going to shoot in Vegas, do a podcast in Vegas.
There is this guy I'm going to have on the show, this guy, Gret Gleier, who seems like a cool dude.
He's a young guy, and he's actually doing some good shit.
He's got a thing called Donor C, and he set up this platform that people can donate to people in third world countries like Malawi.
This kid lived in Malawi, and he is, he's a little, like, he set up a platform where you can donate to people, get real video updates on, like, how your money is being used.
It's kind of a revolutionary idea.
I don't know that much about it.
So, in three weeks, when it comes out, that it's a front for human trafficking, don't fucking yell at me.
Don't fucking DM me.
Don't tweet me.
I just said it looks good from, and I want to have him on the show because, like, he seems like a good dude.
He seems like an interesting guy.
I really appreciate that.
I think he's doing a lot for people.
It seems like nowhere near what I'm doing by broadcasting and telling jokes.
Not even a little.
Not even a little.
He's not fit to hold my robe.
But I would like to probably have him on the show because I'm kind of curious.
We're going to start bringing some more guests in too.
We've got maybe some very controversial guests coming up.
They can't say.
I don't want to say, but Milo, you guys.
Yeah.
Are we having Milo?
But I think I will say somebody from my past.
Okay.
Who I didn't know that well, but was in the comedy world for a while and has had some issues.
All right.
I will say that, but was always very, very, you know, nice guy to me.
Don't agree with him on everything, but I think that will be a very interesting conversation.
Can I take some guesses?
There's a joke.
Yeah, there's a joke.
There's a book called, I think it's called The Joke by this guy, this author Milan Cunbera or something.
I don't know if I'm pronouncing that right.
It's about a joke that ruined somebody who told a joke and it ruined their life.
And I never read the book, but Drew Michael told me about it.
And I should read it.
But I would say that this guy, a joke, kind of ended up ruining his life.
Or if not ruining his life, it unraveled his life.
Something that was initially satirical took on a life of its own.
And I think it'll be a very fascinating conversation.
You can take some guesses.
We'll say who it is.
I have no problem saying who it is.
I honestly don't.
I can't think of a joke.
Was it on Twitter or he said a joke on stage?
It wasn't a joke.
It was something that he did that was initially satirical that became something that I think he lost control of.
And I think it spiraled.
I honestly don't.
Okay, so we'll leave it.
It's okay.
This is a surprise.
Yeah, it'll be a surprise.
And we'll see what happens.
But it'll be, I'll get some shit for it.
Put it this way.
Okay.
I'll get some shit for it.
Jesus.
Who the fuck could they?
I'll get some shit for it.
Okay.
Because this person has been deplatformed on almost everything.
Okay.
So I will get some shit for this.
Do you know who it is?
But I will tell you this.
My job, if I have one and I don't, is to talk to people.
Yeah, you can.
Right?
Yeah.
So what you have to do in that situation is people, the people that are always going to be suspect of your intentions and always think you have horrible intentions, you got to say, fuck them.
You can't, you can't go by the people that are going to give you shit and hate you anyway and throw a fit and do the same horse shit and do the same stuff and throw the same tantrums over and over again.
You really can't fucking listen to those people.
So I will have this person on.
I don't believe in the whole thing where it's like you're a bad person for giving, like you're giving somebody a platform for their evil or whatever.
If you're asking the right questions and putting them on the spot, you're actually doing good because then they could easily be able to get a lot of people.
By the way, everybody that are in favor of what they, you know, by the way, who's given the CIA a platform?
Who's giving them a platform?
Goodbye.
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