The Tim Dillon Show - 150: 150 - Your Thoughts Have No Value (with Luke Touma)
Aired: 2019-06-02
Duration: 01:03:56


=== Leaving New York For LA (14:36) ===

[00:00:00]  Fill her up.
[00:00:02]  You are listening to the Gash Digital Network.
[00:00:05]  And now, Tim Dylan is going to hell.
[00:00:27]  Welcome to Tim Dylan is going to hell, everybody.
[00:00:30]  It is the last episode recorded from New York City, a once great city that I will be leaving to head to Los Angeles, California.
[00:00:41]  You know, guys, I got to be honest.
[00:00:43]  I was one of the only comedians that did it all.
[00:00:45]  I did the alt rooms.
[00:00:47]  I did the clubs.
[00:00:48]  I was respected by everybody.
[00:00:50]  That breed of comedian is dying.
[00:00:52]  And when I leave, I imagine this entire city and comedy scene, of which I have no interest in, will disintegrate pretty much immediately after I'm gone.
[00:01:01]  As soon as they say wheels up and that plane's in the air, I would imagine that the mediocre New York comedy scene that gets softer by the day will collapse immediately and it will be chaos without me because I was really a mascot of this scene.
[00:01:18]  I was an avatar for it.
[00:01:20]  It is the end of an era and it's tragic for many people.
[00:01:23]  I've been getting messages all week from people that are trying to decide whether or not they should continue living on this earth.
[00:01:32]  Okay?
[00:01:33]  With me today, a guy who's opened for me a few times.
[00:01:36]  I mean, comedically, Luke Tuma.
[00:01:40]  He's very funny.
[00:01:41]  Luke is a New York comedian.
[00:01:43]  He grew up in Buffalo, which is, what is your house worth in Buffalo?
[00:01:48]  Like $100,000.
[00:01:48]  $100,000.
[00:01:49]  Yeah.
[00:01:50]  $100,000.
[00:01:52]  Yeah, which is all right out there.
[00:01:53]  You can get a house in Buffalo for like $16,000.
[00:01:56]  And it's actually a nice house.
[00:01:57]  Yeah, it's all right.
[00:01:58]  Yeah.
[00:01:59]  Yeah.
[00:01:59]  $100,000.
[00:02:02]  This kid grew up in a car.
[00:02:04]  This kid grew up in a BMW seven series car.
[00:02:08]  He never had tuna tartare.
[00:02:10]  I took him to open for me at Mohegan's son.
[00:02:12]  He didn't know what tuna tartare was.
[00:02:15]  We were sitting in Bobby Flay's restaurant, Bar American, fine.
[00:02:20]  And they bring out a tuna tartare, and this kid's like, what is this?
[00:02:24]  And he just, he's so excited, which is not, it's always good to be friends with somebody who, you know, has experienced less in their life than you have because I get very hardened and cynical and I want to experience things through Luke's eyes.
[00:02:39]  So I bring him on the road and like, you know, when we, you know, go to a nice restaurant or something or a place with like tablecloths.
[00:02:46]  No, I'm kidding.
[00:02:48]  How bad is Buffalo?
[00:02:50]  It's not good.
[00:02:51]  It's not, it's a lot like Newark, New Jersey.
[00:02:53]  I mean, it's like shitty.
[00:02:54]  It's like Philadelphia is the closest vibe I've seen to Buffalo, but it's like much, Philly's much nicer.
[00:03:00]  Yeah.
[00:03:00]  Buffalo's like.
[00:03:01]  Well, Philly has commerce.
[00:03:02]  Yeah.
[00:03:03]  Buffalo had like a Kodak factories back in like the 1900s and then that's gone.
[00:03:07]  Will your family ever leave Buffalo?
[00:03:10]  Never, dude.
[00:03:10]  Yeah, born and raised there.
[00:03:12]  They left each, like my mom and dad each left for like two months apiece and then this was that's it.
[00:03:16]  Sucked them back.
[00:03:17]  So you're the only person in your family to leave Buffalo and you're trying to become a clown.
[00:03:24]  So how embarrassing is that?
[00:03:26]  Can you imagine his parents being like, well, yeah, Luke's leaving.
[00:03:29]  He's in New York.
[00:03:30]  Oh, what's he doing?
[00:03:31]  Oh, he's a comedian.
[00:03:33]  It's like, it almost doesn't count, but it is nice to have you here.
[00:03:37]  I think you're one of the good ones, you know.
[00:03:39]  And what I mean by that is white.
[00:03:42]  No, he's a, you are part Muslim.
[00:03:47]  Yeah, I'm Lebanese.
[00:03:48]  You're Lebanese.
[00:03:49]  Doing my first Lebanese gig.
[00:03:51]  Yeah, well, you're getting smart.
[00:03:52]  You know which way the wind is blowing.
[00:03:54]  Very smart.
[00:03:56]  You're trying to internet Lebanese.
[00:03:57]  To start leaning into that hardcore, start wearing sandals on stage, get a little bit of that.
[00:04:04]  Yeah, I am in the internet, and you're in an interracial relationship.
[00:04:09]  Yeah, my girlfriend's jack box, Jack, Lebanese Jack.
[00:04:15]  Suck a couple dicks, and I'll be good.
[00:04:16]  You might have to.
[00:04:17]  Yeah, dude.
[00:04:18]  Listen, you gotta do what you gotta do.
[00:04:20]  What is a Lebanese comedy gig?
[00:04:23]  This girl, Natalie, hit me up.
[00:04:24]  She's Lebanese.
[00:04:25]  Apparently, Dave Mirage was going to get the gig, and then he's out of town.
[00:04:28]  So they booked me.
[00:04:29]  And it's called Life, and it's like Lebanese investment, financial, I don't know, E, something.
[00:04:39]  But it's like life is the acronym, but it's old, like 50-year-old, rich Lebanese dudes that like have an investment firm.
[00:04:45]  And I'm going to be doing like a half hour for them.
[00:04:47]  And you don't really have a ton of bits about being Lebanese.
[00:04:50]  Literally, zero.
[00:04:51]  You're going to have to maybe go off the top of your head.
[00:04:53]  Yeah.
[00:04:53]  And I don't even know anything about Lebanon or being Lebanese.
[00:04:55]  I mean, I'm from Buffalo, which is worse, probably.
[00:04:59]  And they're not going to, and rich Lebanese guys in the city are not going to give a fuck about Buffalo.
[00:05:02]  Well, it's when I get booked to do gay gigs.
[00:05:04]  I don't really have a ton of material about being gay.
[00:05:06]  So sometimes the gay audiences are mad because they just want to hear about themselves for a half hour.
[00:05:12]  Do you do a lot of gay gigs?
[00:05:14]  No.
[00:05:14]  But every now and then I will get booked.
[00:05:16]  My friend at work is gay, and I was like, oh, I opened for this guy.
[00:05:18]  He's my buddy.
[00:05:19]  He's like a gay comedy.
[00:05:20]  He's like doing really well.
[00:05:21]  And he's like, what's his name?
[00:05:21]  And I was like, Tim Dillon.
[00:05:22]  He's like, oh, like, does he have any jokes about gay lifestyle?
[00:05:25]  And I told him the joke about like jumping off the George Washington bridge.
[00:05:29]  And he just like looked at me for a couple of seconds and he goes, that's dark.
[00:05:32]  I like Chris Dahlia.
[00:05:34]  Yeah.
[00:05:34]  Well, good.
[00:05:35]  Good.
[00:05:35]  I like Crystalia too.
[00:05:37]  You know, my comedy is not for everybody, especially waiters.
[00:05:42]  You know, how about getting a job?
[00:05:46]  What's your friend do?
[00:05:47]  How old is he?
[00:05:47]  He's like 26.
[00:05:48]  And what is he doing at working at the restaurant with you?
[00:05:52]  He waits tables and gets hammered.
[00:05:54]  And what is the ultimate goal for his life?
[00:05:56]  I think that's pretty much it.
[00:05:58]  Yeah, good.
[00:05:59]  I don't want him.
[00:06:00]  I don't want that.
[00:06:01]  I'm trying to get, I want fucking climbers.
[00:06:04]  I want a Gary Vee type audience of sociopaths that are trying to pull themselves up.
[00:06:10]  No, I will say this.
[00:06:12]  I will say this, folks.
[00:06:14]  The Milo Yiannopoulos thing, and I don't want to spend a lot of time on this because it's kind of, we get it.
[00:06:19]  And I think nobody cares.
[00:06:21]  It's not in the comedy community in New York City.
[00:06:23]  But to just rehash it, you know, Milo's publicist reached out to Legion of Skanks.
[00:06:30]  One of the reasons probably is because they bill themselves as the most offensive podcast on earth.
[00:06:35]  Okay?
[00:06:36]  So you would say if there was a podcast that was going to host Milianopoulos, it wouldn't be like Hoda Kotby show on Sirius.
[00:06:46]  It would be Legion of Skanks.
[00:06:48]  So they announced, they put a flyer out, Legion of Skanks is going to be at the Creek in a Cave in Long Island City.
[00:06:54]  Milo Yiannopoulos is going to be the guest Monday night.
[00:06:58]  They're always there Monday night.
[00:06:59]  And then there was the reaction, the stereotypical reaction of people that are concerned about safe spaces and people feeling safe.
[00:07:09]  They then said they were going to show up to the creek in combat boots and start chucking milkshakes at people and physically attacking them.
[00:07:16]  Those are the people that were interested in the safety.
[00:07:19]  They wanted everyone to feel safe.
[00:07:21]  So they wanted to show up and start a violent riot just to make sure that everybody felt safe.
[00:07:29]  How many people do you think that was total that were like outrageous?
[00:07:32]  What?
[00:07:32]  50, 100 people?
[00:07:33]  Maybe.
[00:07:34]  All New York comics.
[00:07:35]  Well, a lot of them are New York comics, but then you have groups like Antifa, which is the anti-fascists, you know, who show up to places with masks on and hit people with bike locks.
[00:07:50]  Again, to promote safety.
[00:07:54]  They want a safe world.
[00:07:57]  So when Ben Shapiro shows up at Berkeley, they have a riot.
[00:08:01]  And when Milianopoulos showed up at Berkeley, they were like shooting firecrackers into the auditorium.
[00:08:06]  Again, because they want a safe world.
[00:08:12]  This is how they want it.
[00:08:14]  And I guess, and then there was a lot of New York City comics.
[00:08:18]  I use the word comic loosely because here's the thing.
[00:08:22]  I've been in the room when a lot of these people are on stage.
[00:08:26]  Not anymore because they don't get booked anywhere.
[00:08:29]  But in the beginning, I saw a lot of these guys and women go on a stage and fight like hell against what the verdict was that you should be nowhere near a microphone ever.
[00:08:50]  Like you should be as far away from a stage as you argue that Milo now should be.
[00:08:58]  Like that should have been the response to half of these people getting booked should be violent uprisings.
[00:09:04]  That's what it should be.
[00:09:06]  Shouldn't only be Milo.
[00:09:07]  Half of these people you see the reactor like, oh, the response to you getting booked at the creek should be stomping boots and hurling milkshakes.
[00:09:15]  These people had careers that didn't work out in comedy.
[00:09:20]  Some of these people have very lucrative careers in things like writing.
[00:09:26]  Some of them are researchers for shows.
[00:09:29]  Some of them are in the sketch world.
[00:09:32]  But I do think it kind of drew a line between stand-ups and everybody else, like working stand-up comics, like people that make a living talking in front of a crowd.
[00:09:43]  That's how they earn their living.
[00:09:45]  Because those people, if you're a real comic and you're up every night and you're training in these environments and a lot of them are hostile and you're dealing with hecklers and you're learning how to shut people down, you're learning how to get your jokes out there.
[00:09:57]  You can't be afraid of words.
[00:10:00]  If you're a comedian, a real comedian, you cannot be afraid of speech and words.
[00:10:07]  That's your whole fucking job.
[00:10:09]  Also, if you're like working at it, you don't have the time to like start an online mob.
[00:10:13]  No.
[00:10:14]  The Legion of Scan.
[00:10:15]  Like you don't have the time to do that.
[00:10:16]  You shouldn't.
[00:10:17]  You shouldn't.
[00:10:17]  But I think even on a basic level, your business is words.
[00:10:22]  How do you get behind a movement to silence someone?
[00:10:26]  I don't care how offensive they are.
[00:10:29]  If you cannot shut that person down with your own words, your own arguments, if you can't invalidate their opinions, that's a whole bit, because the argument, and then we're going to, we'll get off this, but the argument that these people make all the time, and I try to find, because there's people that I respect comedically that I disagree with.
[00:10:50]  And then there's a whole host of people who I don't respect comedically because there's nothing to respect.
[00:10:57]  They just, there's nothing there.
[00:11:00]  I don't know what, you know, they're delivering food, they're walking dogs.
[00:11:03]  And again, I'm not knocking those jobs, but these people have not proven, and they don't believe, by the way, that it matters.
[00:11:15]  Like they think that they're as good as I am or they think they're as good as Louis is or Kevin Hart.
[00:11:22]  They don't believe in talent.
[00:11:23]  They don't believe in hard work.
[00:11:24]  They think that the only reason that I'm in a better position than them or that other comedians are in better positions than them is because we've found a way to exploit some loophole or we have opinions that put us comfortably in the mainstream or whatever.
[00:11:38]  But what it really is, is that we're able to make people laugh consistently.
[00:11:42]  That's why you get work.
[00:11:44]  That's why you get booked is because people will pay to see you do comedy.
[00:11:48]  If you are not getting booked, here's what it means.
[00:11:52]  Two things.
[00:11:52]  Number one, people will not pay to see you do comedy.
[00:11:55]  And number two, nobody believes that people will pay to see you do comedy either now or in the future.
[00:12:02]  That's what it means.
[00:12:04]  That's what it means, guy.
[00:12:05]  It doesn't mean that you're too edgy and radical and you're too much of a truth teller.
[00:12:13]  It's not what it means.
[00:12:14]  It's a simple business equation.
[00:12:16]  It means that people do not think that people will spend money to hear your thoughts.
[00:12:23]  Why?
[00:12:24]  Theme of the show, new shirt coming.
[00:12:26]  Why?
[00:12:27]  Because your thoughts have no value.
[00:12:31]  I want you to say it before you go to bed.
[00:12:34]  My thoughts have no value.
[00:12:36]  How freeing is that?
[00:12:38]  How nice is that to finally accept that what comes out of your mouth is immaterial.
[00:12:45]  It doesn't matter.
[00:12:46]  No one cares.
[00:12:47]  No one wants it.
[00:12:48]  Who ordered this?
[00:12:49]  Nobody.
[00:12:50]  It's a waiter putting a bowl of shit on the table.
[00:12:53]  Did you order the shit?
[00:12:54]  No one did.
[00:12:55]  No one did.
[00:12:56]  And you don't have a right.
[00:12:58]  But they don't believe that.
[00:12:59]  They don't believe that, and this is why they fall so easily into Marxism and everything else, because the idea that somebody's better than them or has a talent they don't or works harder than they do, they hate.
[00:13:10]  But then, that's the majority of people.
[00:13:12]  But then there are people like James Indolmian who's brilliant and very talented who I would disagree with on this issue.
[00:13:18]  There's guys like Eddie Pepit.
[00:13:19]  I don't know how he feels, but I'd probably disagree with him.
[00:13:22]  And he's one of the funniest people in the world.
[00:13:24]  And I believe that.
[00:13:24]  So I'm not saying that everybody on the other side is not talented.
[00:13:29]  A lot of them aren't.
[00:13:31]  But there are some very talented people that.
[00:13:33]  But the whole deplatforming thing is this.
[00:13:36]  It's that the only reason that Milo Yiannopoulos is not literally Hitler.
[00:13:43]  This is what you have to believe.
[00:13:45]  The only reason that widespread fascism has not taken root in this country is because people have not heard the message.
[00:13:56]  This is what they believe.
[00:13:58]  And if Milo gets the platform and his ideas apparently are so attractive and the American people are so irrational that they will sign on.
[00:14:11]  And if that's what you honestly believe, we have much bigger problems.
[00:14:15]  We have much bigger problems.
[00:14:16]  Doesn't it seem like they should like are showing a lot of respect for Milo's ideas?
[00:14:20]  They're like, they're like, we got to keep this guy off Twitter because if people hear this, they're going to love it.
[00:14:24]  Yeah.
[00:14:25]  Well, this is what, this is what they believe.
[00:14:28]  They believe that like the only reason that people aren't signing up to fucking to follow this guy to the ends of the earth because they haven't heard his ideas.
[00:14:36]  I feel like this shit's so good.

=== The Scam of Young Gravy (14:51) ===

[00:14:37]  We got to keep it in the dark.
[00:14:38]  They think these ideas are so potent, you can't debate them.
[00:14:42]  You can't knock them down with logic.
[00:14:43]  That can't happen.
[00:14:44]  The whole history of rhetoric and argument and debate and reason, we got to throw that out the window.
[00:14:51]  None of that matters.
[00:14:52]  The idea of how we come to a consensus and how we flesh out ideas, we got to get rid of that, throw it in the street, because these people are wizards somehow.
[00:15:01]  And they'll just, as soon as they start talking, people lose the ability.
[00:15:05]  So, I mean, so what's so the people that are on the other side, I'm like, so what exactly do we do?
[00:15:11]  Should we run every podcast guest by Antifa?
[00:15:16]  Should we run it by failed comedians that live in New York City and say, hey, guys.
[00:15:21]  And by the way, they vandalized Rebecca Trent's.
[00:15:24]  They vandalized The Creek in the Cave, which is where this was supposed to happen.
[00:15:26]  Rebecca did not book Milo.
[00:15:28]  She had nothing to do with this.
[00:15:29]  She gives comics autonomy.
[00:15:30]  She's always done that.
[00:15:31]  She's done it for years.
[00:15:32]  People fucking vandalize Nazis not welcome on the street in front of her restaurant.
[00:15:36]  And Rebecca has spent years helping comics, gay ones, black ones, people of color, trans comics, everybody.
[00:15:46]  Rebecca's literally helped all of those fucking people.
[00:15:50]  Her friends turned on her, people that she raised money for when they had fucking cancer, turned on her, threw her under the bus, put this out there.
[00:16:01]  And then they got these other organizations, these anarchist groups or whatever, to now start talking about boycotting the place and vandalizing it.
[00:16:10]  So shame on you, literal shame on you.
[00:16:14]  If the woman who raised money for you while you had cancer, if you're trying to get the last bit of fucking relevance out of your failed comedy career by throwing her under the bus, shame on you.
[00:16:26]  How do you sleep?
[00:16:27]  How do you sleep at night?
[00:16:29]  And what is the plan?
[00:16:32]  What's the plan?
[00:16:34]  Every podcast guest is, we're going to have to run them through an anonymous group of people that wear masks and, you know, say, guys, this guy's okay, right?
[00:16:44]  You won't show up and violently try to prevent this guy from speaking.
[00:16:49]  Because that's, by the way, that's what freedom of speech is.
[00:16:52]  It's freedom of speech without the threat of violence and intimidation.
[00:16:55]  People don't really understand that.
[00:16:56]  You can't, freedom of speech doesn't mean anything if you take five rifles and point them at somebody's face and go, what do you think now?
[00:17:04]  Tell us.
[00:17:05]  That's not what freedom of speech is, you idiots.
[00:17:07]  But what do you think about this?
[00:17:10]  You're a young comic.
[00:17:11]  You're new.
[00:17:12]  You're new.
[00:17:13]  You just got to New York.
[00:17:15]  You're in, you know, you don't really do a lot of open mics.
[00:17:17]  You do more shows because you have talent and work ethic, which a lot of your friends don't have.
[00:17:22]  They will die alone in the street like dogs.
[00:17:25]  And you'll have to watch that.
[00:17:26]  And it'll be unfortunate.
[00:17:27]  Get away from them as quickly as possible.
[00:17:30]  But what is your read on it?
[00:17:33]  I mean, I think a lot of these people are nihilists.
[00:17:35]  Like you pretend to be a nihilist, but you're not actually.
[00:17:37]  You're a cynic.
[00:17:38]  But like, I think.
[00:17:39]  I care about the world and the children and the families.
[00:17:41]  And that's why people listen to this show because they know that I have the right idea.
[00:17:45]  Tim Dylan has the answers.
[00:17:46]  He cares about it.
[00:17:47]  Yeah.
[00:17:47]  No, they want it all to sink.
[00:17:49]  I think they just hate humanity and anything that they possibly might be a little mad at.
[00:17:54]  They just want it off, sink it, kill it.
[00:17:56]  And what do you attribute that to?
[00:17:58]  They're resentful.
[00:18:00]  A lot of it, maybe they hate their parents or whatever, but a lot of these comics, they hate the world because they're so bad at comedy.
[00:18:06]  They're like, I had a dream.
[00:18:07]  I said it to you earlier.
[00:18:08]  It's like some of these people never had any natural talent, but they were like, my dream is to be a stand-up comic with none of the natural talent to be a stand-up comic.
[00:18:15]  It's literally like if tomorrow I was like, hey, Tim, I decided to pursue my dream of being an NBA basketball player.
[00:18:22]  And you'd be like, Luke, you're 5'8 ⁇ , you're Lebanese, you're like slow and uncoordinated.
[00:18:26]  I'm like, yeah, but it's my dream.
[00:18:27]  So like, it's definitely going to happen because it's my dream.
[00:18:30]  Yeah.
[00:18:30]  And you'd be like, that's crazy.
[00:18:32]  It doesn't make any sense.
[00:18:33]  And then it's like if 10 years from now, I hated the world because I didn't get to play it.
[00:18:37]  Yeah, they're angry.
[00:18:38]  They're angry.
[00:18:38]  They're bitter, resentful.
[00:18:42]  And my whole thing is even more so than stand-up.
[00:18:44]  There's a whole group of people out there that have been told to follow their dreams.
[00:18:48]  And a lot of them follow them at their own peril.
[00:18:50]  Whether it's the fucking Gary Vee fucking noise on Instagram telling you you're all going to be entrepreneurs, you're not.
[00:18:58]  You're sitting there watching Masterclass.
[00:19:01]  I want to watch Jet Appetal's Masterclass because there is no class for any of this, you fools.
[00:19:11]  There is no class.
[00:19:13]  I have a masterclass.
[00:19:14]  It's called You're Not an Entrepreneur.
[00:19:15]  You're going to Die.
[00:19:17]  You're going to die thinking that you're going to run the show.
[00:19:20]  Get a job.
[00:19:22]  Be part of an organization.
[00:19:23]  Start there.
[00:19:25]  I have friends that want to be entrepreneurs.
[00:19:26]  They've never had a fucking job.
[00:19:28]  Have you seen the Steve Martin Masterclass?
[00:19:31]  God.
[00:19:31]  The Steve Martin Masterclass.
[00:19:32]  I hope they all die.
[00:19:33]  Why is every celebrity that I used to like going to teach a masterclass?
[00:19:38]  Dude, you got to do this.
[00:19:39]  Steve Martin Masterclass.
[00:19:40]  How good is this money?
[00:19:41]  It's comics that we know are on it.
[00:19:43]  And he's like one of the comics like, yeah, I was playing a funny bone in Ohio the other day.
[00:19:46]  And like this thing happened with the crowd.
[00:19:47]  And Steve Martin looks at him and goes, What's a funny bone?
[00:19:50]  Yeah, Steve Martin does.
[00:19:51]  Steve Martin's masterclass.
[00:19:53]  Steve Martin was playing stadiums and then he quit and then he started doing movies.
[00:19:58]  And now he's back teaching idiots how to do well at the improv.
[00:20:02]  Steve Martin's back teaching people how to host.
[00:20:05]  Well, you got to make sure that the crowd is quieted down.
[00:20:09]  I mean, what are we doing here?
[00:20:11]  It's great.
[00:20:12]  Can we pull up, by the way, Alex?
[00:20:14]  Who are these masterclasses, by the way?
[00:20:17]  I know that Judd Apatow is teaching one.
[00:20:21]  I think, is Scorsese teaching one?
[00:20:23]  God help us.
[00:20:25]  We can find you a list, but we also have the trailer for the Steve Martin one here.
[00:20:29]  Oh, God.
[00:20:30]  Yeah, let's watch this.
[00:20:31]  God, God help us.
[00:20:34]  This is.
[00:20:36]  Oh, God.
[00:20:38]  Hi.
[00:20:39]  I'm quiet.
[00:20:41]  I'm Steve Martin, and welcome to Masterclass.
[00:20:45]  I was talking to some students, and they were saying things like, how do I get an agent?
[00:20:49]  Where do I get my headshots?
[00:20:50]  And I just thought, shouldn't the first thing you're thinking about is how do I be good?
[00:20:59]  I have a little bit of a pet peeve for comedians who come out and say, how are we doing tonight?
[00:21:03]  Why does anyone own one of the most important moments of your show?
[00:21:07]  I would fire.
[00:21:08]  Pause this for a second.
[00:21:11]  I would fire my manager over the phone if he brought this up.
[00:21:17]  By the way, can you imagine me in that?
[00:21:19]  They would never have.
[00:21:21]  They would never have me on one of these.
[00:21:23]  You and Steve Martin.
[00:21:25]  But just the idea that if like my manager or agent brought this to me and they said, Steve Martin wants to teach you to do comedy publicly for this scam called Masterclass, because that's what this is.
[00:21:37]  It's a scam.
[00:21:39]  I would laugh and then I would fire them.
[00:21:42]  And I love, like, I like Will Miles a lot.
[00:21:45]  I respect people.
[00:21:47]  I get people got to work.
[00:21:48]  And in fairness, I don't know what kind of money this was that they were offered.
[00:21:51]  Yeah.
[00:21:52]  Because for a fucking number, certain number, I'd be sitting on the couch looking at Steve Martin like, hi, Steve.
[00:21:58]  I will be fucking just, I don't give a fuck.
[00:22:01]  And by the way, I will now say this.
[00:22:04]  If I am on Masterclass, no, it was great money because I will fucking sit there and read the teleprompter on, but this scam.
[00:22:17]  Can you guys find like who's who's doing these?
[00:22:20]  You have a list of them.
[00:22:21]  Who are the people teaching these masterclasses?
[00:22:24]  Because I love the idea, by the way, that it's just you're selling people on the idea that they're going to become proficient in something.
[00:22:32]  What's the Judd one?
[00:22:33]  It's David Lynch, Judd Appetow, Aaron Sorkin.
[00:22:36]  Keep going.
[00:22:37]  Aaron Sorkin's going to teach you how to smoke crack in a hotel room in Washington, D.C., which is what he's a genius, though.
[00:22:44]  He's a guy that, like, you know, all his drug problems, everything.
[00:22:47]  He's an amazing writer.
[00:22:48]  Gordon Ramsey, Phil IV.
[00:22:50]  Aaron Franklin, Masterclass Barbecue.
[00:22:54]  This is like Penn and Teller, Natalie Portman.
[00:22:58]  What the fuck is she teaching?
[00:22:59]  Acting?
[00:23:01]  Natalie Portman, Masterclass, being hot.
[00:23:04]  Be gorgeous, yeah.
[00:23:05]  Be hot.
[00:23:06]  Timberland.
[00:23:08]  Okay, get this out of here.
[00:23:11]  Masterclass.
[00:23:12]  It's also like people that haven't done this.
[00:23:14]  How much is this?
[00:23:15]  How much do I have to, if I want a masterclass, how much do I have to pay for a masterclass?
[00:23:20]  $15 a month.
[00:23:22]  $15 a month.
[00:23:23]  Let me explain this to someone out there that may be listening to the show.
[00:23:28]  And I don't want, and this is in no uncertain terms.
[00:23:31]  I don't want to hurt people's feelings.
[00:23:32]  If you have paid a dollar to a masterclass, I want you, I'm telling you, this is what I want you to do.
[00:23:43]  I want you to listen to me.
[00:23:44]  I want you to listen.
[00:23:45]  I want you to go and get all the money out of your bank account.
[00:23:48]  Get every last set.
[00:23:50]  Argue with the woman when she goes, you got to leave $5 in to keep the account.
[00:23:53]  Say, I'm not going to need the account, ma'am.
[00:23:56]  Take all the money.
[00:23:58]  Go and buy a gun.
[00:24:00]  Seriously.
[00:24:02]  And I want you to blow your brains out while watching the master class so that somebody in some job has to wipe your brain matter off Judd Appentow's face while he's telling you how to direct movies.
[00:24:17]  You fucking, I mean, Aaron Frank.
[00:24:21]  I want to be a pit master.
[00:24:23]  Aaron Franklin's masterclass.
[00:24:25]  You blow your brains out in Steve Martin's like prop comedy.
[00:24:27]  That's a great start.
[00:24:28]  It's great.
[00:24:28]  It's a great start.
[00:24:29]  You're doing great.
[00:24:31]  I use props.
[00:24:32]  Can we play more of the Steve Martin trailer?
[00:24:34]  Because I hope to God no one in my audience has bought a masterclass.
[00:24:42]  I hope to God.
[00:24:44]  This is worse than Gary Vee.
[00:24:46]  This is people you respect.
[00:24:48]  At least with Gary Vee, you know he's a fucking clown and it's a scam.
[00:24:54]  It's a put.
[00:24:54]  These are people you respect sharing.
[00:24:57]  By the way, is there anything that demystifies something more than having a master like reveal all of their secrets to fucking people that they cast to be in this?
[00:25:08]  Or like you, Steve Martin doesn't know who he's teaching.
[00:25:12]  It's anyone who pays $15.
[00:25:14]  So if you're a master, think of a master giving away the knowledge at the end of his life.
[00:25:19]  He's going to give it to like an apprentice, somebody who's worthy of it, right?
[00:25:23]  No.
[00:25:24]  Anyone who's paid $15 a month gets the benefit of all my hard years and learning knowledge and wisdom that I've accrued.
[00:25:32]  You pay $15 a month and it's yours.
[00:25:35]  If you're a Nazi, don't worry.
[00:25:37]  Don't worry.
[00:25:38]  Fucking kids, you're a pedophile.
[00:25:40]  Maybe you're taking the Jed Appentown masterclass to make better fucking kiddie porn.
[00:25:44]  Doesn't matter.
[00:25:45]  15 bucks a month, you get it.
[00:25:48]  You get the class.
[00:25:49]  You can be a master fucking kid fucking director.
[00:25:53]  Maybe that's what.
[00:25:54]  Let's watch more of this Steve Martin.
[00:25:56]  Sorry, ran out of the front.
[00:25:57]  What?
[00:25:59]  We're going to talk about a lot of things.
[00:26:01]  We're going to talk about my specific process.
[00:26:04]  Thank you.
[00:26:04]  Performing comedy.
[00:26:05]  Hey, move that over there.
[00:26:06]  We're going to talk about writing.
[00:26:09]  Editing is one of your most powerful tools.
[00:26:13]  See, that bit's not working.
[00:26:14]  It's gone the next night.
[00:26:16]  Now, what gets the laugh?
[00:26:17]  Whenever it's the word fucked that gets the laugh, I always question it.
[00:26:21]  An ultimate goal of mine is to work clean.
[00:26:24]  Well, then you should take out fucked up.
[00:26:28]  I never actually thought I was funny.
[00:26:31]  You may think I don't have any talent.
[00:26:33]  I guarantee you, I had no talent.
[00:26:37]  Get it out of here.
[00:26:38]  Dude, this is also brilliant.
[00:26:40]  It makes it seem like white people did get lucky.
[00:26:43]  Like, it makes it seem like literally maybe everything's, maybe these fucking people are right.
[00:26:48]  Well, it's also such a good way to sell it because...
[00:26:50]  This guy doesn't know what TikTok is.
[00:26:52]  He doesn't know little Nas X. Trying to be, if you're trying to make something good in this environment, you're insane.
[00:27:01]  You're an insane person.
[00:27:03]  Lil Nas X had the, it was, that's like a parody song on TikTok.
[00:27:07]  He was number one, and it just became a huge song.
[00:27:11]  Listen, there are these rappers now, like Young Gravy.
[00:27:14]  Now, I know Young Gravy because I sat on a mega bus next to the guy who does social media for Young Gravy.
[00:27:21]  Bring up Mr. Clean, Young Gravy.
[00:27:23]  It ain't horrible.
[00:27:24]  It ain't great.
[00:27:25]  Bring up.
[00:27:26]  Now, I thought Young Gravy was doing a parody of a rapper, a parody of a white rapper.
[00:27:31]  And I thought it was funny.
[00:27:33]  And I thought it was a joke.
[00:27:34]  I thought Young Gravy was in on the joke.
[00:27:36]  Gravy is not in on the joke.
[00:27:37]  Gravy is deadly serious.
[00:27:40]  And I guess his fans don't care.
[00:27:42]  It doesn't matter anymore, whether it's ironic or not.
[00:27:46]  Like when I do those desk videos, people are like, is that you?
[00:27:49]  Is it a character?
[00:27:50]  I'm like, it doesn't matter anymore.
[00:27:52]  Don't you get it?
[00:27:53]  Trump is the president.
[00:27:55]  We're gone.
[00:27:55]  We're in the void now.
[00:27:57]  And you have Steve Martin, giving this advice from 1970.
[00:28:00]  You got to craft.
[00:28:01]  Hey, you got to craft it all.
[00:28:03]  Kick the fuck up.
[00:28:03]  You just got to craft it.
[00:28:06]  You would stop.
[00:28:08]  Let's watch Young Graveyard.
[00:28:09]  Where's Young Graveyard?
[00:28:10]  Young Gravy.
[00:28:12]  Produced by White Shinobi.
[00:28:15]  I thought Gravy was kidding.
[00:28:17]  I thought this was a bit.
[00:28:18]  Is he a white guy?
[00:28:21]  I mean, if you're a rapper now, I assume you're a white child.
[00:28:28]  So you see Gravy here.
[00:28:30]  He takes out toothpaste.
[00:28:31]  There's a boat doing donuts.
[00:28:34]  You see a nice.
[00:28:36]  You can watch the Mr. Clean YouTube.
[00:28:38]  Gravy make a splash.
[00:28:39]  And now a guy with like a dad voice comes out.
[00:28:43]  He's not even particularly good looking.
[00:28:44]  He's like a tall guy.
[00:28:46]  He's sitting on a horse.
[00:28:47]  He looks like a cashier at 7-Eleven.
[00:28:50]  Mega Blueberry Muff.
[00:28:51]  Yeah, with your mom in the kitchen.
[00:28:52]  Blueberry Muff.
[00:28:53]  I'm like, all right, yeah, this is enough.
[00:28:57]  But I thought this was a game.
[00:29:00]  And then I realized that it starts as a joke, like the Trump candidacy, and then it becomes real.
[00:29:07]  This is what people don't understand right now.
[00:29:10]  It's very interesting.
[00:29:14]  It's really an interesting comment on where we are.
[00:29:16]  And this is probably why some of these idiots that are like so afraid of comedy, they think comedy is to blame for all this.
[00:29:22]  Comedy is not really to blame for all this because this guy, Young Gravy, is deadly serious, by the way.

=== How To Ruin Your Life (02:02) ===

[00:29:28]  But people are looking at this and some of them are enjoying it because of how over the top it is and how ridiculous it is.
[00:29:35]  And it seems like in the world that we're living in right now, to get attention, it should be over the top and ridiculous.
[00:29:42]  Yeah.
[00:29:42]  And that's why Lil Nas X got a lot of attention because it was kind of over, you know, I mean, what do you think of that song?
[00:29:48]  I mean, you love rap.
[00:29:49]  You listen to rap all the time.
[00:29:50]  The Lil Nas X song.
[00:29:52]  Yeah.
[00:29:52]  I mean, I think all the biggest people are just trolls.
[00:29:54]  Like the big Trump's a troll.
[00:29:56]  Lil Nas X is a troll.
[00:29:58]  Takashi6ix9ine is a troll.
[00:29:59]  Cardi B. Like all these people are just trolls.
[00:30:02]  Well, John Goon is a troll.
[00:30:04]  Yeah, they exist in the environment that we're in.
[00:30:06]  They totally do.
[00:30:07]  Which is why it's hilarious.
[00:30:08]  Don't you realize, folks, the irony of having a masterclass at all?
[00:30:12]  Well, what's going to be amazing is hilarious.
[00:30:14]  In 20 years, Young Gravey is going to have a masterclass.
[00:30:17]  It's going to be a fucking masterclass right now is how to manipulate people on social media.
[00:30:23]  That's what it seems to be.
[00:30:25]  The masterclass is not perfecting your craft.
[00:30:27]  It's going to work for like one guy.
[00:30:29]  No.
[00:30:30]  I mean, so these masterclasses are just a grift.
[00:30:35]  And they're to get people out there sitting on their couch eating Doritos.
[00:30:42]  They're like, I want to make a film to then go and watch these people.
[00:30:47]  But when you look at who's succeeding in this environment, I mean, masterclass, little Naset, like these people are succeeding because they're being ridiculous.
[00:31:00]  And Steve Martin's being very, you know, earnest and talking about and illogical and rational.
[00:31:08]  And the kids are sitting there and he's like, listen.
[00:31:11]  He's like, when fuck is the thing that gets left?
[00:31:14]  I question that.
[00:31:15]  And it's like, buddy, what world are you in right now?
[00:31:21]  What world are you living in?
[00:31:22]  Well, and you know, it's so like, it's so brilliantly sold too, because the first thing he says, because they're selling it to people that aren't talented, because that's who's going to pay $15 a month to listen to Steve Martin talk when he has to do it.

=== When Logic Goes Out The Window (03:41) ===

[00:31:31]  You know what?
[00:31:31]  Here's a masterclass for stand-up comedy.
[00:31:32]  I'm going to give it to you for free.
[00:31:34]  Ruin your life.
[00:31:36]  Go to LA or New York and ruin your life.
[00:31:40]  Maybe start in Boston or Chicago first.
[00:31:43]  Ruin your life.
[00:31:45]  Destroy your credit, your relationship to your family, your friends, and then reality.
[00:31:51]  And hopefully you come out on the other side of that with a few credits and a little career.
[00:31:56]  But you might not.
[00:31:57]  That's the masterclass.
[00:31:58]  Now you save $15.
[00:32:00]  You're going to need it for medicine.
[00:32:04]  What was he saying?
[00:32:05]  I don't even know.
[00:32:08]  Oh, God.
[00:32:09]  Look at this fucking freak.
[00:32:11]  I love this guy.
[00:32:12]  He's so terrifying looking.
[00:32:14]  I can't decide what kind of terrorist he looks like.
[00:32:18]  They just hired this guy.
[00:32:19]  Is it ISIS?
[00:32:21]  Is it Boco Haram?
[00:32:23]  He's white, too, I think.
[00:32:24]  He just has a, he has a look of somebody who's commune with the prophet.
[00:32:31]  But this is my issue with them.
[00:32:33]  I did an open mic last night in Long Island.
[00:32:36]  Yeah, I was crazy.
[00:32:37]  I was out.
[00:32:37]  I was out with my dad.
[00:32:39]  I went to go.
[00:32:40]  Did you bring him to the mic?
[00:32:41]  No, I went to my dad.
[00:32:43]  Me and my dad and his wife and her, her parents, who I like.
[00:32:48]  Big libs, but very smart.
[00:32:50]  Like he's a lawyer, argued in front of the Supreme Court and whatever.
[00:32:52]  He starts talking about taxes.
[00:32:54]  I go on my phone.
[00:32:55]  He starts talking about grieving to him.
[00:32:57]  He's like, well, he says to my dad, he's like, people like your son that lose interest after a few minutes.
[00:33:01]  I'm like, yeah, I don't give a fuck about your tax grievances, your tax assessment problems on Long Island.
[00:33:07]  And I hit him back from like the left.
[00:33:09]  I'm like, I don't care about a bunch of white people on Long Island with tax.
[00:33:12]  He's like, well, it's actually the black people that are paying too much.
[00:33:15]  That's who we're trying to help.
[00:33:16]  I'm like, yeah, isn't that always how it is with you people?
[00:33:19]  Isn't it always interesting that you're always trying to help black people, even at lunch while we're eating shrimp cocktails?
[00:33:24]  You're always just trying to help black people.
[00:33:27]  Do you remember when we did that gig in Long Island for those like 90-year-old people?
[00:33:30]  Yeah.
[00:33:31]  And we walk in and your dad's in there and it's like a bunch of your dads.
[00:33:34]  The crowd was just your dad's like friends that were all like senior citizens.
[00:33:37]  Yeah.
[00:33:37]  And we walk in.
[00:33:38]  We were like on the way up and you were like, I think these people might be old.
[00:33:41]  Yeah.
[00:33:41]  This could be an old crowd.
[00:33:42]  Oh, it was old.
[00:33:43]  And we get in there and everyone's like 90 years old.
[00:33:45]  We walk in and your dad's like, Timmy.
[00:33:46]  And he starts introducing you to his friends.
[00:33:48]  He's like, this is Maurice and this is Martha.
[00:33:50]  And as you're shaking their hands, you lean over to me and you're like, this is my worst nightmare.
[00:33:54]  Yeah.
[00:33:55]  They're all ready to die.
[00:33:57]  They're all ready to go.
[00:33:58]  And my dad's 67.
[00:34:00]  He's, you know, he's done logic.
[00:34:02]  I love him, but he cares about dogs and wine.
[00:34:04]  And that's it.
[00:34:05]  If you're not a glass of Cabernet or a dog, get the fuck out of his face.
[00:34:11]  He doesn't have any time for you.
[00:34:13]  So we're sitting there having lunch and his wife, who I enjoy, says, you know, I'd like you to drive my new Benz back to the house.
[00:34:23]  They just bought a little cottage on Long Island too.
[00:34:26]  She's like, you're going to own that cottage one day.
[00:34:27]  And immediately when somebody says that to you, you go, well, when?
[00:34:31]  When are you going to die?
[00:34:33]  Literally, I'm 34.
[00:34:34]  When are you going to drop dead?
[00:34:36]  You might outlive me.
[00:34:37]  As soon as somebody goes, well, that'll be, you'll own that one day.
[00:34:40]  It's like, when will that happen?
[00:34:42]  When are you going to die?
[00:34:43]  And it's not even a negative thing.
[00:34:45]  It's just a thing that you're forced to think about immediately.
[00:34:48]  When are you going to check out?
[00:34:49]  Yeah, they're letting you know when we die, your life's going to get a lot better.
[00:34:53]  Yeah, so die.
[00:34:55]  I'm not trying to be a dick, but how many more holidays do we need to have before I get to cottage?
[00:35:02]  I want the cottage.
[00:35:03]  I want a cottage.
[00:35:05]  So I'm, hey, hey, I'm kidding.
[00:35:10]  But, you know?

=== Watching America Hollow Out (02:40) ===

[00:35:12]  What was the open mic like?
[00:35:13]  So I said to my, I said, well, I'm going to go to this open mic.
[00:35:16]  I messaged one of the guys that I started comedy with on Long Island.
[00:35:20]  I said, is there any comedy going on tonight on Long Island?
[00:35:22]  The answer every night, by the way, is no.
[00:35:25]  Unless it's like Sebastian is doing Paramount or whatever, Chelsea Handler is, you know, having a town hall meeting, having a healthcare town hall, coming out and talking to everybody about health care.
[00:35:38]  You know, after a decade of talking about getting railed, she's now an expert in espionage after she talked about getting it in the ass for a decade.
[00:35:48]  Now she knows about espionage.
[00:35:50]  She knows about the Mueller report.
[00:35:52]  Where do you get your analysis in the Mueller report?
[00:35:54]  I go to Chelsea Handler.
[00:35:55]  It's so crazy.
[00:35:56]  Do people be like, Cardi B took it to Trump today on Trump?
[00:35:58]  Yeah, I go to Chelsea Handler because she wrote a story a few years ago about shitting herself on a date.
[00:36:03]  So I said, if anybody wraps their head around international spycraft, it's going to be Chelsea.
[00:36:10]  Fuck her.
[00:36:11]  I saw her in first class on a plane and I said hello.
[00:36:14]  She should know who I am.
[00:36:15]  I'm kidding.
[00:36:15]  She shouldn't.
[00:36:16]  But the point is that she should.
[00:36:19]  And I go to this open mic at Shakers Pub.
[00:36:22]  I like the darkness.
[00:36:23]  That's why I'm into conspiracies.
[00:36:26]  I mean, I've always just been into that stuff.
[00:36:29]  I read a lot of like alternative history and the media that I consume is not mainstream.
[00:36:37]  And one of the reasons is because I want to know how bad it is.
[00:36:41]  And a lot of mainstream takes are sanitized.
[00:36:44]  Okay.
[00:36:45]  I want to know how bad it is.
[00:36:47]  How dark does it get out there?
[00:36:49]  You don't have that, which is sweet about you.
[00:36:51]  No.
[00:36:51]  That's very nice about you.
[00:36:52]  That's why I bring you on the road and stuff.
[00:36:54]  You don't have that, which is nice.
[00:36:56]  I like to know how dark does it get?
[00:36:59]  How deep is it?
[00:37:01]  You know, how deep is the well?
[00:37:03]  I love that.
[00:37:04]  How loud are the screams?
[00:37:07]  You know?
[00:37:07]  So I said, let me do this open mic at Shakers Pub in Oakdale, Long Island, which is part of Suffolk County, Long Island, other than the Hamptons and a few other hamlets, is a very bleak place.
[00:37:19]  Is that where Levittown is?
[00:37:20]  Levittown's right on the border of Nassau, Suffolk.
[00:37:23]  But once you get into Suffolk, it's very bleak.
[00:37:26]  I mean, it's so bleak out there where you go, why are we afraid of MS-13?
[00:37:31]  A few papooses and machetes is maybe what the doctor ordered because it's bleak and it's sad.
[00:37:38]  And it's what a lot of America looks like.
[00:37:40]  It's the erosion of America.
[00:37:42]  It's the erosion of what once seemed like a great idea, which was suburbia.
[00:37:50]  You're watching it die in real time.

=== The Bleak Reality Of Suffolk (07:18) ===

[00:37:52]  People cannot afford to live there.
[00:37:54]  There's a major heroin problem on Long Island.
[00:37:59]  There's big, big issues.
[00:38:01]  And you see all of that.
[00:38:03]  And it just looks hollowed out.
[00:38:05]  If I could use one word for this area, it's hollowed out.
[00:38:08]  It's fast food.
[00:38:10]  It's bars.
[00:38:11]  It's shitty.
[00:38:13]  Little fucking, you know, little sex shops are out there still.
[00:38:18]  It's real.
[00:38:19]  You took me to Levitton and it was like fast food next to cancer treatment.
[00:38:24]  The only nice buildings left on Long Island are radiology clinics where you get diagnosed because everyone's going to get cancer.
[00:38:32]  That's what everyone in Long Island is waiting for.
[00:38:35]  It's just the when and the where.
[00:38:36]  It's the when and the where do you get that diagnosis.
[00:38:39]  And you're just trying to get cancer so you can get in that building.
[00:38:41]  Is it after you shit a bloody steak tidbit out of your asshole?
[00:38:46]  Do you then go, oh, is it the colon?
[00:38:49]  Or is it after that last drag of a parley light?
[00:38:52]  Do you go, or is it something fancy like a blood cancer or you piss and you go, there's a real burning here.
[00:39:01]  It's just what part of your body decides to rebel against you.
[00:39:05]  And that's what Long Island's about.
[00:39:07]  Maybe it'll be dementia, you know.
[00:39:09]  And if you get lucky, you just get whacked on the LIE.
[00:39:12]  Some 19-year-old drug addict plows into you at high speed.
[00:39:16]  You don't even have to spend the money on the Red Energy College.
[00:39:19]  You don't have to spend the money on the radiology clinic.
[00:39:21]  It's just over.
[00:39:24]  Quick.
[00:39:25]  The gnarling of steel, the smashing of glass.
[00:39:28]  I've been in five accidents.
[00:39:29]  I've enjoyed every one of them.
[00:39:31]  I have.
[00:39:32]  I've totaled five cars.
[00:39:33]  Nothing feels better than walking out of a car wreck and lighting a cigarette and standing on the street and looking at that wreck.
[00:39:41]  It is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
[00:39:44]  And if you have not had it, you are a cuck.
[00:39:48]  But I'm out doing the open mic.
[00:39:51]  And I know it's all about the open mic.
[00:39:54]  As soon as I know, as soon as I...
[00:39:57]  Do you have a podcast?
[00:39:58]  What's your podcast?
[00:39:59]  You talk about MMA?
[00:40:00]  Yeah.
[00:40:00]  I had one.
[00:40:01]  I had one with Harrington.
[00:40:03]  What happened?
[00:40:04]  Harrington?
[00:40:07]  You know, it got busy.
[00:40:09]  Definitely.
[00:40:10]  I'm still paying for the blueberry listing, so we'll get it up soon.
[00:40:13]  Okay.
[00:40:13]  That's never going to happen.
[00:40:14]  Well, it's literally never going to happen.
[00:40:16]  Bite me.
[00:40:18]  It was supposed to be me, Diego Lopez, and Harrington.
[00:40:19]  Harrington fell off.
[00:40:20]  Where is Diego Lopez on everything with the Creek?
[00:40:23]  Where does that guy stand?
[00:40:25]  I know that he sparred with Lewis over the weekend and really took it to him after Lewis said, hey, maybe the guy's got some good points.
[00:40:33]  He just started kicking the shit out of Lewis.
[00:40:35]  Interesting.
[00:40:36]  It seems like Lewis is getting beat up over my life.
[00:40:38]  I would wonder what Diego would have to say because Diego's kind of, I don't know.
[00:40:45]  I think he would see both sides of it, maybe, or maybe not both sides.
[00:40:50]  I don't know.
[00:40:50]  I don't really care either.
[00:40:52]  But the point is, I walk into this open mic as soon as I...
[00:40:56]  Let's get some photos up of this bar that's at.
[00:41:00]  It's called Shaker's Pub.
[00:41:01]  I want people to understand when I say I like the darkness, I like the dark.
[00:41:05]  Like, I'm not fucking around.
[00:41:06]  Oh, my God.
[00:41:07]  You see immediately, if you're watching this, you see Shaker's Pub.
[00:41:12]  You see immediately this is not a place that supports life.
[00:41:15]  If it was a planet, you would say it does not support life.
[00:41:18]  It's just impossible.
[00:41:19]  There's no oxygen.
[00:41:20]  There's no water.
[00:41:21]  I spent years in bars like this.
[00:41:22]  This is a place where you go obliterate your life.
[00:41:25]  This is like, you know, there's not too much out there that is really worse than this.
[00:41:30]  The saddest places on earth are bars that are in plazas.
[00:41:33]  Yeah.
[00:41:33]  When a bar is in a shopping plaza next to like a strip mall bar, next to a fucking Big Lots and a Taco Bell, because you're getting all your sadness in one place.
[00:41:42]  Yes, that's a great point.
[00:41:44]  Yeah.
[00:41:44]  There's a lot of sadness.
[00:41:45]  You're not really looking for the social aspect of it.
[00:41:47]  You're like, I want to get a burrito.
[00:41:49]  No.
[00:41:49]  I drank in a corner in corner bars for years.
[00:41:53]  Yeah.
[00:41:53]  And I've now stuff in my act about it.
[00:41:56]  It was never social.
[00:41:57]  I was a degenerate alcoholic.
[00:41:59]  Were you an alone drinker?
[00:42:00]  Yeah, I would go to a bar alone and then talk to the other people at the bar that were there, but they were all fucked.
[00:42:05]  And I would drink a bottle of vodka at night or close to it.
[00:42:09]  And, you know, you would just get fucking, you would get shitty.
[00:42:13]  Yeah.
[00:42:13]  And that's why you went.
[00:42:14]  And the bar was up the block from my house, but it was never social.
[00:42:17]  You know, it was not as social, you know?
[00:42:21]  And a plaza bar is especially not going to be social.
[00:42:24]  When you went out, you'd go out with like eight friends, six friends, three friends.
[00:42:27]  Yeah, you get hammered.
[00:42:28]  You would go out with your buddies.
[00:42:29]  Yeah, but we had places like that in Buffalo with the strip.
[00:42:33]  Would you go every now and then?
[00:42:35]  Would you go in there?
[00:42:35]  Yeah, because you don't have a choice.
[00:42:37]  No.
[00:42:38]  In Buffalo, you got no other options.
[00:42:39]  You can eat chicken fingers for the fourth time today, or you can go to the shopping plaza bar.
[00:42:45]  Now, you, and you never had any addictive problems.
[00:42:48]  You don't have like an addictive personality.
[00:42:51]  I do, but not as, yeah, no.
[00:42:54]  I don't know.
[00:42:54]  Also, in Buffalo, it's very normal.
[00:42:56]  I had to learn that the way we drank in Buffalo was not normal.
[00:42:59]  Right.
[00:43:00]  So when I moved out of there, you realize like, oh, the rest of the world doesn't drink like this.
[00:43:04]  Yeah.
[00:43:05]  Because everybody's getting hamped, but binge drinking.
[00:43:07]  I've gone on the road with you.
[00:43:08]  You're pretty.
[00:43:09]  You're not a big, from my, you know, you don't smoke weed a lot or you don't drink.
[00:43:14]  You're not a guy that wakes up and puts a vape in his mouth, you know?
[00:43:18]  No.
[00:43:19]  Right?
[00:43:19]  No.
[00:43:19]  You're not that type of person.
[00:43:20]  No.
[00:43:21]  Yeah.
[00:43:21]  Not a big, no, not a big weed guy.
[00:43:23]  Yeah.
[00:43:24]  Were you ever?
[00:43:25]  You said you liked to do Coke every now and then.
[00:43:28]  You see what I was.
[00:43:29]  What's funny about that?
[00:43:30]  You can't admit that on the podcast?
[00:43:32]  No, yeah, absolutely.
[00:43:33]  I've done Coke a bunch of times.
[00:43:35]  You've done Coke a bunch of times.
[00:43:36]  I did Coke all night one time with my friend Nick and then flew from Buffalo back to Boston where I was living.
[00:43:41]  And there was a Russian lady with her baby and I'd been up all night doing Coke.
[00:43:44]  And the baby was like looking at me.
[00:43:46]  I probably wasn't looking at me, but I thought the baby was like looking at me and knew I was fucked up.
[00:43:50]  I was freaking out.
[00:43:50]  I've had some weird times on Coke.
[00:43:52]  I did Coke with a bunch of women.
[00:43:54]  But then what happened?
[00:43:56]  I mean, I was free bugging out and I don't know what got to Boston, called my friend, thought I was overdosing on Coke.
[00:44:01]  Okay.
[00:44:02]  The next day, which is impossible.
[00:44:03]  Yeah.
[00:44:04]  Can't overdose two days later.
[00:44:05]  I did Coke with a bunch of trannies in Boston.
[00:44:08]  What happened then?
[00:44:09]  It's crazy.
[00:44:10]  What'd you do?
[00:44:11]  There's this girl, Numsha.
[00:44:12]  She's the biggest Coke dealer in Boston, tiny little Asian girl.
[00:44:15]  We went to her birthday party.
[00:44:16]  She rented out a bar and it was all like these like lady boys from Thailand.
[00:44:20]  Yeah.
[00:44:20]  And we went back to her place and she was like, oh, we have fun.
[00:44:24]  It's my birthday.
[00:44:24]  And she brings out like a grapefruit-sized ball of Coke and puts it on the table and was just like half at it.
[00:44:30]  So it's me and two of my buddies and then like 10 of these transsexual women, ladyboys from Thailand.
[00:44:38]  And we were just doing Coke with them all night.
[00:44:39]  And then like five hours in, they took their wigs and their makeup off and now they're just like dudes we're hanging out with.
[00:44:46]  Right.
[00:44:46]  So we have to like remeet them.
[00:44:49]  We met the female version.
[00:44:50]  So you're not, nobody's getting their dick sucked from the lady boy?
[00:44:53]  No, I don't think so.
[00:44:54]  Interesting.
[00:44:55]  No.
[00:44:56]  Maybe my friend snuck out and did, but I wasn't, I was more interested in the Coke, not the ladyboy Dixon.
[00:45:01]  Interesting.
[00:45:01]  We've got to work on these stories.
[00:45:03]  They're good.
[00:45:03]  They're not great.
[00:45:04]  They need to get to the next level.
[00:45:06]  Somebody needs to get their hogs sucked.
[00:45:09]  Something needs to happen.

=== Surviving The Open Mic Circuit (10:00) ===

[00:45:11]  You know?
[00:45:12]  I got drunk.
[00:45:13]  I bought a house.
[00:45:14]  This is cool.
[00:45:15]  That's what cool people do.
[00:45:17]  But so get Shaker's pub up again.
[00:45:19]  I walk in.
[00:45:20]  I immediately know it's a problem.
[00:45:21]  I immediately know.
[00:45:24]  Would you have sex with a transsexual?
[00:45:26]  No.
[00:45:26]  Why not?
[00:45:27]  Are you into it?
[00:45:28]  I mean, I don't know.
[00:45:29]  Maybe.
[00:45:30]  I never say no.
[00:45:31]  You know, I mean, I don't know.
[00:45:32]  I don't think so, but I don't know.
[00:45:34]  It wouldn't do a little extra for you if the dude had a wig on?
[00:45:38]  No.
[00:45:38]  No?
[00:45:39]  No, I don't want women.
[00:45:40]  That's why I don't fuck women.
[00:45:42]  Well, I don't fuck.
[00:45:43]  Like, I don't like it because I don't like men.
[00:45:45]  Like, there's if they got a dick.
[00:45:48]  So if they have a dick, you can't do it.
[00:45:50]  No, man, I don't like dicks.
[00:45:52]  You heard it here.
[00:45:54]  He should not work.
[00:45:55]  He should never work again in comedy.
[00:45:59]  Look at Shaker's Pub.
[00:46:00]  I want you to show this bartender.
[00:46:02]  This bartender walked outside.
[00:46:04]  She lit a cigarette and she stood there.
[00:46:08]  This woman was really not happy.
[00:46:12]  She just waddled outside, put a cig in her mouth.
[00:46:16]  She doesn't even look human, dude.
[00:46:18]  And she was just watching.
[00:46:20]  There's a show.
[00:46:20]  I forget.
[00:46:21]  Jamie Foxx is home.
[00:46:22]  Is there a show that Jamie Fox hosts now?
[00:46:25]  What's it called?
[00:46:26]  What's that show called?
[00:46:27]  Because this woman.
[00:46:27]  Beach Shazam.
[00:46:28]  Or Beach Shazam.
[00:46:29]  Whatever.
[00:46:30]  The Shazam show.
[00:46:31]  She loved that.
[00:46:31]  She was watching that.
[00:46:32]  And then she would walk out every few minutes to smoke a cigarette.
[00:46:35]  And I mean, at this point, she's really just waiting for the devil to drag her to hell.
[00:46:39]  You know, that's all.
[00:46:40]  That's the only thing left in her life, sadly.
[00:46:43]  And she's got to sit and listen to 15 open mic comedians.
[00:46:48]  Look at now the open mic is in a side room.
[00:46:51]  Let's take a look at the photo of this because this was, I mean, a horror beyond.
[00:46:57]  She's two long tables.
[00:46:58]  It's very well lit.
[00:47:01]  They usually have bands in this place and they have all these signs.
[00:47:03]  It's like no mashing.
[00:47:04]  No.
[00:47:05]  Can you imagine you look like that woman?
[00:47:07]  You live whatever her life is.
[00:47:08]  You work in that bar at that age because you need to do it to pay your bills.
[00:47:13]  And then after all that, they're like, you know what, Cheryl?
[00:47:15]  We're going to have an open mic.
[00:47:16]  Yeah, you know what, Cheryl?
[00:47:17]  We're going to bring in.
[00:47:18]  Cheryl, tonight's open mic comedy night.
[00:47:20]  You imagine she doesn't even react.
[00:47:21]  She's like, what?
[00:47:23]  She has no idea what that even means, first of all.
[00:47:25]  She's like, Cheryl, tonight we're doing open mic.
[00:47:29]  People are going to come in and be comedians.
[00:47:31]  You like comedy?
[00:47:36]  So immediately these people start filing in.
[00:47:39]  And here's what I started to realize.
[00:47:41]  And I had this epiphany.
[00:47:42]  And I think this sheds light on a lot of the Milo stuff too.
[00:47:47]  When you start comedy, you barely know what it is.
[00:47:51]  And you know why you got into it.
[00:47:54]  And a lot of comics are troubled by, you know, a myriad of different things.
[00:48:02]  A lot of them have issues.
[00:48:04]  A lot of them, you know, comics are very sensitive people.
[00:48:08]  A lot of them have anxiety.
[00:48:09]  A lot of them are depressed.
[00:48:10]  A lot of them self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, food, whatever.
[00:48:15]  A lot of them are delusional.
[00:48:17]  They're somewhat narcissistic.
[00:48:19]  You kind of have to be to do something like this, right?
[00:48:23]  And you got to be delusional.
[00:48:24]  That's the thing.
[00:48:25]  You have to be.
[00:48:26]  If you're not delusional, this doesn't work.
[00:48:27]  You have to have a healthy amount of delusion.
[00:48:29]  You have to see yourself as something that you are not yet.
[00:48:33]  And you have to believe that becoming that thing is possible.
[00:48:36]  All of those are ingredients that you need, the delusion, the work ethic.
[00:48:41]  You need all that.
[00:48:41]  You need some talent.
[00:48:43]  You need some intelligence, which I didn't realize.
[00:48:46]  I didn't realize when I got into it that you needed to be smart and that a lot of people had high quantities of work ethic and talent, but just didn't make good decisions.
[00:48:57]  And when the decisions mattered, they made the wrong ones.
[00:49:01]  And a lot of it just came from the lack of intelligence.
[00:49:05]  And they were operating from an emotional standpoint and not a logical one.
[00:49:10]  And I've kind of now realized how much intelligence counts in this particular thing.
[00:49:17]  And I didn't realize that until, I think, somewhat recently in the last couple of years.
[00:49:24]  But these people are all filing in.
[00:49:27]  And what I realized was that comedy for me was always something that I loved and wanted to do and wanted to get better at and wanted to earn money doing.
[00:49:36]  That was my goal.
[00:49:37]  My goal was to see if I could earn money doing it because it seemed like this crazy thing that would be almost near impossible to earn money doing.
[00:49:47]  I mean, it just was not, if you told anyone you were going to be a comedian, they kind of smiled.
[00:49:52]  They were like, is this guy crazy?
[00:49:54]  Including your family and your friends, you know, even though they would believe in you, you know, they would have conversations behind your back and in front of your face where they're like, it just doesn't, I mean, I'm sure that, you know.
[00:50:06]  Yeah.
[00:50:06]  Do you think these guys even consider that?
[00:50:08]  The Shakers pub open micers.
[00:50:10]  Yeah.
[00:50:10]  Did they even, do they think about like, I need to make money doing this?
[00:50:14]  I need to.
[00:50:14]  Well, here's what I started to realize.
[00:50:15]  What I started to realize is that comedy, you're not doing the same thing.
[00:50:20]  You're not, you're at an open mic.
[00:50:21]  Let's say you're at an open mic.
[00:50:23]  You're there doing something else.
[00:50:24]  And a lot of the people are there not doing what you're doing.
[00:50:27]  It looks like they are because they're getting up and they're saying things into a microphone, but it's actually different.
[00:50:32]  It's different in a meaningful way.
[00:50:34]  A lot of those people are dealing with issues that have put them in those rooms.
[00:50:40]  And very much like Alcoholics Anonymous or like group therapy, this has become a way for them to socialize and for a way for them to kind of deal with whatever is going on.
[00:50:50]  And a lot of times a lot of people that get into comedy are in a transition.
[00:50:54]  They just got dumped.
[00:50:55]  I was, you know, my job, you know, I was in the mortgage industry that evaporated.
[00:50:59]  I sobered up.
[00:51:00]  I came out of the closet.
[00:51:01]  So a lot of people go into comedy because their life kind of hits a wall.
[00:51:08]  And they're like, what's this thing I can do?
[00:51:11]  Where is this place that no one can tell me to leave?
[00:51:13]  Well, yeah.
[00:51:14]  And you see them on stage and they're just talking about how shitty their life is and how sad they are and they're not funny.
[00:51:18]  And you realize like, oh man, you should have just gone to therapy.
[00:51:21]  Well, some of them get funny.
[00:51:23]  Yeah.
[00:51:24]  And some of them figure out how to do this.
[00:51:25]  The really only difference between me and the people, because I have a very similar story to those people who got in because things were fucked.
[00:51:35]  The difference is I learned how to get funny and I learned how to have a career.
[00:51:40]  And those are things that you have to learn and you have to be willing to be open to that, but you have to start treating it like a business, which a lot of people don't do.
[00:51:51]  And when I went to that open mic, I was looking at some of these people.
[00:51:55]  And when I started talking to some of them, I realized they're unwell.
[00:51:58]  You know, I mean, they're mentally unwell.
[00:52:01]  They're not well.
[00:52:02]  Something is wrong.
[00:52:04]  And it's wrong in a way that is obvious.
[00:52:11]  Yeah.
[00:52:12]  And there was a fight during the mic.
[00:52:15]  Fist fight?
[00:52:16]  Almost.
[00:52:17]  One guy turned around to the other guy.
[00:52:19]  There was this kid who was like stoned.
[00:52:20]  He was doing nothing.
[00:52:22]  Some lunatic turned around.
[00:52:23]  I was like, yo, who the fuck do you think you are?
[00:52:27]  And I'm like, wait a minute, what's happening?
[00:52:30]  He's like, who the fuck does he think he is?
[00:52:32]  And he's like.
[00:52:34]  So then they separate them.
[00:52:36]  It's a whole thing.
[00:52:38]  That's the thing about these open mics is like, the lines are blurred where like there's so many comics that can be actually funny, but they're close to being actual crazy people.
[00:52:47]  And then act the open open mics are actual crazy people.
[00:52:50]  You forget, you forget how much mental illness is in the open mic scene when you haven't been there for a while.
[00:52:57]  It's crazy.
[00:52:58]  You forget.
[00:52:59]  And I was sitting there and I'm watching these two guys almost fight.
[00:53:02]  And I'm watching people go up on stage.
[00:53:04]  And some of them are funny and some of them are crazy.
[00:53:06]  And this is an open mic.
[00:53:08]  And I shouldn't have been there.
[00:53:10]  But I was only there because it's the same reason I watch human trafficking documentaries.
[00:53:14]  You love the doctor?
[00:53:15]  Well, I want to see how bad it is.
[00:53:16]  How bad does it get?
[00:53:18]  Everybody that loves conspiracies or that loves any of that shit is really just trying to satiate their need for darkness to an extent, if you want to look at it psychologically.
[00:53:30]  But it's also a lot of people that want to answer that question.
[00:53:32]  It's always one question.
[00:53:34]  How bad is it?
[00:53:34]  How bad is it really?
[00:53:36]  Yeah.
[00:53:36]  You know, did they, did they off Kennedy?
[00:53:38]  Would they do 9-11?
[00:53:40]  What would they do?
[00:53:42]  I love 9-11 Kennedy assassination Shakers pub open.
[00:53:46]  It's the same really, if you had been there, if you had seen the people and some of them were fun, but like they're also hopeless.
[00:53:59]  They're two hours.
[00:54:00]  And here's the thing about Long Island in that particular part of Long Island.
[00:54:03]  It does not have any redeeming qualities.
[00:54:05]  Like if you go down to some, you know, hick bar in some southern state, maybe it's folksy and it's got some fucking appeal.
[00:54:15]  Long Island, it's not.
[00:54:16]  It's just garbage.
[00:54:18]  It's just garbage and garbage people.
[00:54:21]  And it's a real unending nightmare.
[00:54:25]  Dude, you took me to that tri-county flea market in Levittown.
[00:54:27]  Yeah.
[00:54:27]  It was a flea market.
[00:54:28]  It was like a three-story building, literally filled with garbage.
[00:54:32]  It was just like people's old garbage that they were getting, giving away and spray-painted t-shirts.
[00:54:38]  And we were like the only two people in there.
[00:54:40]  But I mean, these are the people that are going to buy the masterclass.
[00:54:44]  These are the people that are going to go back from the Shaker's pub open mic.
[00:54:49]  They won't even do it.
[00:54:50]  They won't even buy the masterclass.
[00:54:52]  No.
[00:54:52]  Shakers pubs below masterclass.
[00:54:54]  They won't even buy the master's.
[00:54:55]  And good for them.
[00:54:56]  Like, they won't even buy the masterclass.
[00:54:58]  You know?
[00:54:59]  They know what it is.
[00:55:01]  There's a guy explaining to me, you know, these guys run Bringer shows for 20 years.
[00:55:05]  Yeah.
[00:55:06]  You know, they just find people on Facebook that don't know any better or whatever.
[00:55:10]  And, you know, this is what it is.

=== Long Islands Unending Nightmare (03:20) ===

[00:55:12]  I mean, if you think about it.
[00:55:13]  I got one guy because I texted one guy that I was friends with who now he doesn't do comedy anymore.
[00:55:19]  And he's like, I was like, are you going to go to this mic?
[00:55:23]  My dad lives, you know, kind of close.
[00:55:26]  He's like, all right, I'll go.
[00:55:27]  So I got him to come back to comedy.
[00:55:29]  So I'm like, getting this guy to relapse.
[00:55:32]  He got out.
[00:55:34]  He's like, out.
[00:55:35]  I pulled him.
[00:55:36]  I'm like, why don't you keep it?
[00:55:38]  Yeah.
[00:55:39]  You, you're horror.
[00:55:41]  Why would you do that?
[00:55:42]  Because I know he's out for good.
[00:55:43]  Like, he'll never get back.
[00:55:45]  But you also kind of want him to be in the darkness with you.
[00:55:47]  Well, I wanted to recapture the fun of what we used to do, where we'd go to a diner afterwards.
[00:55:54]  And I thought it would be fun.
[00:55:56]  I thought I'd be able to go back and be like, it'll be fun going to a diner and shitting on the people at the mic who are crazy and everything.
[00:56:03]  And not only was it not fun, but it was, it was, I was not prepared for how bad and dark it was.
[00:56:10]  And I, I was like, was it maybe, I don't, maybe it was like that when I was there.
[00:56:15]  I just don't remember.
[00:56:16]  And I just had the good sense to get out.
[00:56:18]  Yeah.
[00:56:18]  I had the good sense to get out of it.
[00:56:20]  When you first start, you're just psyched that you're getting on stage at all.
[00:56:23]  So you kind of, you notice that there's crazy people and that it's a really fucked up place that you're spending your time in.
[00:56:28]  Right.
[00:56:28]  But you don't really think about it that much because you're just trying to figure it out.
[00:56:33]  I mean, I don't know what to tell you, folks.
[00:56:35]  Here's my problem with the whole masterclass thing.
[00:56:38]  And then we'll get out of here.
[00:56:40]  There is no honesty anymore in this world.
[00:56:44]  And, you know, people that achieve really great things have to take, in many cases, really uncertain paths to get there.
[00:56:54]  And it's kind of perilous.
[00:56:57]  And there's a lot of sacrifice involved.
[00:56:59]  And it doesn't always even out.
[00:57:01]  Like, you don't get all those things back.
[00:57:03]  You don't get it all back.
[00:57:04]  You don't get all these sacrifices you made back at the end.
[00:57:06]  Now, maybe you make a thing or you do a thing that's worth it, but you don't get it.
[00:57:11]  You don't get the time.
[00:57:11]  But Steve Jobs will never have the time with his daughter back.
[00:57:14]  You just don't get it back.
[00:57:15]  You know, it is what it is.
[00:57:17]  And there's a lie now because we told a whole generation of people, go and follow your dreams and blah, A lot of what people that get to a certain level, a lot of times you meet them, you're like, they were always going to get there.
[00:57:32]  They just chose to get there a certain way and they're always going to get there.
[00:57:37]  Masterclass, the idea of somebody sitting there and you could sit on your ass on your couch and learn anything is hilarious to me.
[00:57:51]  You could really learn anything valuable sitting on your fucking couch in your room, eating a hero, watching masterclass.
[00:58:00]  Well, that's kind of what it is.
[00:58:01]  It's like, let me pay $15 a month so Steve Martin can tell me how to be famous.
[00:58:05]  Like, oh, I'm paying the monthly fee.
[00:58:07]  Now I'm going to be famed.
[00:58:08]  I don't even think these fuckers are thinking about being famous.
[00:58:10]  I just think they think they're getting something.
[00:58:13]  They think they're really getting something.
[00:58:14]  Like learning.
[00:58:15]  They think they're learning.
[00:58:17]  They think they're learning.
[00:58:18]  It's even sadder than just this idea of like, well, I just want to be famous.
[00:58:21]  Yeah.
[00:58:23]  But there's no honesty.
[00:58:24]  We don't tell people, listen, you can take a route, but at the end of the day, there's no guarantees.

=== Paying For Steve Martins Fame (04:35) ===

[00:58:32]  And you might decide, even if it works, that you missed a few of those other things along the way.
[00:58:39]  Yeah.
[00:58:39]  You know?
[00:58:40]  And we don't tell people that because people want a Disney version of whatever else is out there.
[00:58:46]  You know?
[00:58:48]  Where can people find you?
[00:58:50]  If people like you, you didn't get a lot.
[00:58:51]  You didn't say a lot today, but that's the way.
[00:58:53]  That's my podcast.
[00:58:54]  The guest comes on and it gets spoken at.
[00:58:58]  Yeah.
[00:58:59]  That's what it is.
[00:59:00]  I mean, I've spent a lot of time with you anyway though.
[00:59:02]  You know how it is.
[00:59:02]  Now, why?
[00:59:04]  Why?
[00:59:05]  Theme of the show.
[00:59:06]  Shirts are cut.
[00:59:08]  Why?
[00:59:08]  Shade in the mirror.
[00:59:10]  Your thoughts have no value.
[00:59:13]  They don't have a value.
[00:59:16]  You don't get to run off the mouth what you thought.
[00:59:20]  That's why you have your own podcast.
[00:59:23]  That's why you have your own friends and your own girlfriend.
[00:59:26]  When you're in my presence, you listen to me.
[00:59:29]  You'll call me.
[00:59:30]  Yeah.
[00:59:30]  You'll call me.
[00:59:31]  Yes.
[00:59:32]  You'll be in the middle of like a rant that you that you're calling as if I've been listening to the beginning of it.
[00:59:37]  You asked in the golden gloves.
[00:59:38]  You're watching the golden gloves one time.
[00:59:40]  Yeah.
[00:59:40]  And you called me and I was like, What's up, man?
[00:59:42]  And you didn't even say, like, hey, man, I'm watching the Golden Gloves.
[00:59:44]  You just said, these people are insane.
[00:59:45]  Yeah.
[00:59:46]  I mean, this is a dark business.
[00:59:48]  Yes.
[00:59:48]  You'll start a phone conversation like that.
[00:59:50]  Yeah.
[00:59:51]  Go for another 45 minutes.
[00:59:52]  I appreciate your friendship because you're okay with that.
[00:59:55]  Yeah.
[00:59:55]  Good.
[00:59:57]  My mom texts me.
[00:59:58]  She's like, I feel bad.
[00:59:59]  I followed Tim on Instagram.
[01:00:00]  Honey, is he okay?
[01:00:02]  And I was like, why?
[01:00:02]  She goes, sometimes he says really dark things.
[01:00:05]  I know, but what you have to tell her is that, mom, Tim's funny.
[01:00:09]  Say, Mom, I'm trying to be funny and I'm a little bit of a goofball, mom.
[01:00:15]  But one day when I crack, I'll start saying some meaningful shit too.
[01:00:19]  I'll start talking about pedophiles.
[01:00:20]  You got to tell her.
[01:00:20]  You got to tell her, go, mom, I don't say anything that matters, and I never have, but one day I'm going to.
[01:00:27]  And I hope when I start saying things that matter, you worry about me too.
[01:00:32]  Because if you're just talking about fluffy, goofy garbage, everything's going to be fine.
[01:00:38]  But one day, one day, Luke, I don't know what it'll be.
[01:00:40]  Maybe your girlfriend will leave you.
[01:00:42]  Something will happen.
[01:00:43]  You've been waiting for me.
[01:00:44]  Maybe she'll die.
[01:00:45]  You want me to.
[01:00:46]  I want you to say something that matters.
[01:00:48]  And you never will unless you experience some real tragedy.
[01:00:51]  And not just like, it snows a lot in Buffalo.
[01:00:55]  Because you're a great comic.
[01:00:56]  Yeah.
[01:00:57]  You're so good on stage.
[01:00:58]  You're so, you have a real way with the audience.
[01:01:01]  The only thing you're missing right now is a tragedy.
[01:01:05]  You know what I mean?
[01:01:06]  Somebody getting burnt to the ground.
[01:01:08]  Maybe, you know, and I love your mom.
[01:01:09]  I don't want anything to happen to her.
[01:01:10]  But like, maybe, maybe the house goes up in flames, you know?
[01:01:16]  Because you're missing the thing that makes you go, fuck it.
[01:01:21]  I don't care.
[01:01:22]  I'm just going to say whatever.
[01:01:24]  You know?
[01:01:25]  So just the next time she says, be like, mom, Tim is fine.
[01:01:27]  Number one, mom, you should subscribe to his podcast.
[01:01:30]  Number two, Tim is fine.
[01:01:32]  But what you think is dark, mother, it's just things that matter.
[01:01:37]  That's all.
[01:01:38]  And I've never said one, but one day I will.
[01:01:41]  One day I will.
[01:01:42]  And that's when you'll really succeed.
[01:01:44]  But where can people find you?
[01:01:46]  Where can people find you in the meantime?
[01:01:48]  On Instagram at luke.tuma, l-u-k-luketuma.t-o-u-ma.
[01:01:53]  Luke the little baby.
[01:01:54]  And on Twitter at LukeTuma, L-U-K-E-T-O-U-M-A.
[01:01:57]  Tim J Dylan, D-I-L-L-O-N on Instagram.
[01:02:00]  If you want the real unadulterated shit, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-O-N on Twitter, TimDylanComedy.com for all these dates.
[01:02:11]  You got to fucking start coming out to some of these shows.
[01:02:13]  Fox, buy tickets.
[01:02:14]  We have a great time at a lot of these shows.
[01:02:16]  Comics at Mohegan Sun, June 20th through the 23rd, August 1st through the 8th, American Comedy Call in San Diego.
[01:02:23]  Side splitters, I'm sorry, in Tampa that got moved to October.
[01:02:27]  I have some really cool down south dates.
[01:02:31]  I'm going to be in Charlotte, North Carolina.
[01:02:33]  I'm going to be in Nashville, Tennessee.
[01:02:35]  I'm going to be in Hoover, Alabama.
[01:02:37]  I'm going to be in Huntsville or Hoover, something.
[01:02:40]  I don't know.
[01:02:41]  Listen, they're all on the website.
[01:02:42]  They're all on Instagram, Tim J. Dillon, D-I-L-L-O-N.
[01:02:48]  And this is it.
[01:02:48]  It's the final episode from New York.
[01:02:50]  Are you going to miss me when I'm in Los Angeles?
[01:02:52]  I think you'll be back a good amount.
[01:02:53]  I'll be back a good amount.
[01:02:54]  I think I'll get just the right dose.
[01:02:57]  Well, because everyone, you know, a lot of people that are, you know, like, like, I don't know what to, I don't know the word for them, but they're like, they're young.

=== Upcoming Dates In The South (00:48) ===

[01:03:07]  Yeah.
[01:03:08]  They're young people.
[01:03:10]  For sure.
[01:03:10]  Yeah.
[01:03:11]  And you need some people that aren't young.
[01:03:13]  I'll miss you.
[01:03:15]  But you're keeping your place.
[01:03:16]  If you weren't keeping your place, I'd be sadder.
[01:03:18]  But you'll be around.
[01:03:19]  Let me tell you right now, if in six months I know who you are, it means I have failed.
[01:03:26]  And I will not fail.
[01:03:28]  You know, this is one day you're going to be somewhere.
[01:03:33]  I don't know where you're going to be.
[01:03:35]  And you'll say, I knew that guy, and he was a genius.
[01:03:39]  And now he's dead.
[01:03:40]  And now he's dead.
[01:03:41]  But he mattered.
[01:03:43]  He mattered.
[01:03:44]  And you'll look at some check that you're in bed with and you go, honey, we don't matter.
[01:03:49]  And we never will.
[01:03:50]  And then you'll turn off the light.
[01:03:52]  And it'll be beautiful.
[01:03:53]  And it'll be the end of it.
[01:03:54]  Good night, everybody.