Advice for a Long Term Courtship [Requested Video]
A follow-up to my previous video, specific advice for a man in a long-term courtship.
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I discussed the issue of sexual morality in an immoral society as part of a requested video for Rui.
Now, this is going to be more about his personal situation and what he can do to steer out of this these shoals that are full of rocks.
So let's read the email.
I'm approaching 30.
Have been in a relationship with a woman for 10 years, three years younger than me, and we start dating while we were in high school.
Neither of us was religious or cared about it at the time.
Brother, we were all good little atheists.
That's how every single one of us was raised.
You know, the TV, the culture made absolute certain of that.
I had a few girlfriends before her, and early on, we decided that we wanted to start a family together, even before I considered religion and brought her into the concept.
She was raised Catholic, but the kind that goes to church three times a year and on special occasions.
I was raised agnostic, and until a couple of years ago, I had been to Mass only a handful of times.
Our country is traditionally Catholic, but that means very little nowadays.
It does have better social milieu, better default assumptions, but you're right, very few people take it seriously.
Now, for all of these years, we have been having sex.
I'm employed as a clout person, and my girlfriend is ending her master's degree.
We don't yet have the financial stability to start a family.
I wonder sometimes if this is a cop-out or an excuse.
At the same time, I don't want to bring children into the world without being able to support my family and not having to send kids to be cared for by strangers four months after my wife gives birth.
On my pay alone, currently, this is next to impossible.
The pay is not great.
Half my paycheck goes on income and social security taxes, and the living costs in my country are already high in light of the salaries and getting higher.
All right, so first of all, without knowing, I don't know the specifics of your situation, obviously, but I will tell you that, brother, what you want to have happen will happen.
Alright?
You have got the tools for it.
And yeah, kids are expensive.
Absolutely.
But are they that expensive?
Now, on the one hand, yeah, you know what?
You can't be a couple of dinks, double-income no-kids.
You can't have the dink lifestyle and have kids.
I've got a dog, so I can't live in a high-rise anymore.
She's a big dog.
She needs the art.
Kids will cramp your style.
Absolutely.
But are you really certain you can't afford them?
And quite frankly, another unpleasant reality that we're living with is that this society, this economy, you know, we've got people that they work like men and they spend like women.
You know, it doesn't matter which sex you are.
You're supposed to do both.
And you're right, it is putting a pinch on things.
Okay, it's very, very hard for couples to get along without both of them working.
This is one of the sacrifices that you have to make if you're going to have kids.
So honestly, brother, yeah, it is a cop-out.
If you want to have kids, then have kids.
In fact, I would say if you want to be with a woman, then accept the fact that kids are a natural product of that.
Focus on, I mean, again, focus on making more money or consider moving somewhere else entirely, maybe somewhere rural.
Consider a different line of work.
Because part of it's living in the cities.
Part of it's, you know, going downtown and paying 500 bucks a month for parking and all of this.
Like, there's so much expense to exist in one of these office towers where there's, you know, there's a Starbucks or whatever, that's a coffee shop, and there's an organic food shop, and everything's polished, and it looks really nice.
They have a huge janitorial staff.
All of this.
Huge expense at running a major city.
And yet you are going to pay for that luxury, for the luxury of working in this beautiful office tower.
So I would seriously consider shaking everything up.
You know, like you're in the dink lifestyle.
You need to get out of it.
Which is brutal, I know, like, believe me, I wish things were better, but that's just the reality.
So he goes on.
I know I haven't followed many of the church's or the Bible's teachings on sexual morality, namely contraception and premarital sex.
Which, by the way, part of the reason for that teaching is that the availability of contraception and premarital sex is what kind of let you slip into this dink lifestyle.
So now you have these dink standards that you want to have, as opposed to normal real life, which is the exception these days, which is married with children and, you know, and guess what?
You can't afford whatever it is that you want to afford.
He says, of course, working in an office with several women, I also suffer from general lust, committing adultery in my heart.
Are you committing adultery in your heart?
When you look at a woman and she's dressed in a sexually provocative manner, guess what?
You have healthy instincts.
You are going to be sexually aroused by her mimicking sexual arousal.
She's got high heels on to exaggerate the buttocks.
She's got lipstick on to mimic the flushed lips she gets during sex.
She is painting herself up to look sexually aroused and you get sexually aroused.
Brother, that's just normal.
Okay?
Lusting.
Lusting is when you have constant fantasies about a woman that's not yours.
And of course, everyone's going to be tempted a little bit.
You know, whether it's just our innate weakness or if it's a devil whispering in your ear, suggesting things that you shouldn't do.
There's a huge difference between seeing a nice car and wishing you had one and plotting to steal a nice car or even fantasizing about stealing a nice car.
So don't beat yourself up for finding women attractive.
You are supposed to.
Let's see, as to whether or not, like, does it matter, like, since you're not married to her, again, these are getting into weird technicality.
Does it matter?
But we'll get back to this.
All right, now this bit, what you're about to say, I've got something to say on this.
The priests I talked to either told me there was no problem, as long as we had the intention to marry, or that I should confess after each time committing the sins without much thought of not repeating them, and everything should be fine in this sin, confession, sin cycle.
They didn't offer any practical advice on how to deal with the situation, but also didn't seem very taken aback by it.
Yeah, they probably do hear it all the time.
But dude, like half the priests have girlfriends, okay?
They shouldn't, but they do.
Guess what?
We're all being tempted by this pornographied society.
Now, that said, that's bullshit advice.
Part of going to confession is you are making, you have a sincere desire not to commit the sins again.
Okay, this right here is the I call it a lie, except obviously isn't.
It's what people say about Catholics.
They go and commit a bunch of sins and they just confess them.
and then, oh, whatever, and then they do it again next week.
So yeah, that's bullshit advice you're getting from the priests.
They don't want to give you a hard answer.
So, to finish off your email, at this point, I don't see how I can effectively be masculine, show leadership, and retain intimacy and connection with my woman without the sexual relation we have had for these 10 years.
I don't think our relationship would die necessarily, but I don't think it would help bring us closer together either.
At the same time, I feel I might just be making excuses.
Okay.
What does she think about all of this?
Have you been talking to her about it?
Have you been saying to her, I think we need to actually get serious about this.
We need to stop being hypocrites like everybody else.
We need to start doing this right.
Because, you know, that sort of leadership, that sort of standard, I don't think that would offend her.
You should get married as soon as you possibly can.
I mean, you basically are married.
Or are you?
Now, here's an interesting observation my mother made: is that a lot of couples that live together before they get married tend to divorce fairly rapidly because when they live together, it's just playing house.
You know, I experienced this with a girlfriend I lived with her during college, and then as soon as she was about to graduate, she completely reevaluated everything and became a different person.
Because while we were together, it was just a fake, pretend, playing house college relationship.
And now, oh, she's about to be a real adult.
Which makes me wonder, because you say your girl has, she's finishing her master's degree, and you're worried that if the two of you were to be celibate, starting now until you're married, that she'd break up with you.
Maybe you're just making excuses because you want to keep having sex.
Or maybe, maybe you're sensing that she's just playing house with you.
If she is playing house, the absolute last thing you want to do is to throw good money after bad.
You spend a long time with her, have lots of good memories, I hope.
But if she's about to change her perspective, because now you know she'll be out of call, she'll be in the working world, she'll be making her own money, she'll be doing all of this, it's better to let that come out now and maybe you talk it through and she says yeah, I'm really tempted to go do the career girl sex in the city thing, but you're right,
this is wrong.
This dink lifestyle is wrong.
maybe it comes out and you two break up or maybe it comes out and she admits yeah yeah I do kind of want that but it's wrong it's better to get it out now than to have that fester for 10 years 15 years then she's throwing arguments at you that she was just trapped in this whatever she's resentful because you're trying to cover up what's really going on in that relationship
see I actually think this is the way more important question for you than marriage like listen answer is simple get married ASAP be chaste or at least be pretty close to chaste until you get married basically don't do anything that will produce a bastard okay can we do that
and once you get married don't use prophylactics don't use condoms don't use birth control and if children happen they happen nobody's ever ready to have children all right and you can probably afford them more than you admit to yourself especially if you get creative and experimental about what you're doing to make money
The real question is, are the two of you living in the real world?
Because, even though you've been together 10 years, marriage is scary, isn't it?
Marriage is a lifelong community.
I mean, it's like 10 years, it's a third of your life and yet something about marriage, something about making those vows, is scary.
So I think that's the real question that you're avoiding.
You you're worrying about all this sexual morality stuff.
Okay, like listen, sexual morality is not that big a deal, quite frankly.
The the excesses of it are obviously anything could be.
There's people that turn eating a cheeseburger into a mortal sin, all right.
But generally speaking, thinking women are pretty being tempted and kissing pretty girl, like that's not that big of a deal, all right.
I think you're focusing on the small things because it's helping you avoid the big picture.
And the big picture is, are you too playing house or are you too serious about getting married?
And you need to figure out that question asap.
You either like dude, it's been 10 years, put a ring on the bitch or set her free, and the same thing with her and you, you've given her 10 years, you know, and is she going to be a wife?
Or are you just roommates that sleep together.
And if it's the latter, then you could probably be doing something a lot better.
Both of you could.
To quote Jordan Peterson, if you tell the truth, or at least don't lie, or actively cover up a lie, that's the best outcome that could possibly happen.
So figure out what the hell you two are doing.
Get married or don't.
You know, like you can have a nice wedding for $10,000.
You can have it even less.
You can just have it for $50.
$25 for the priest and $25 for the Justice of the Peace or whoever signs the legal government document.
But yeah, figure out what is going on.
Because right now, to some extent, you guys are living in a fantasy world.
You need to get out of fantasy world and get into real world.
I hope that helped, brother.
Deus Volt.
And actually, one final thing.
The truth is scary.
The truth is absolutely terrifying.
And it's so much easier to just cover up the truth.
To not even, in Derp Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, there's a line where it's like when you have money in your bank account and you get a piece of mail, it's like, oh, you open it up.
If it's a bill, you can pay it.
But if you don't have any money, you'll just kind of let the...
I don't want to open up that mail because they might be asking for money.
I went...
Open up the damn mail.
Find out what is actually in it.
Find out if something is festering.
It's better to know now than when it's too late.
Do not shirk from the truth.
It's terrifying.
It's frightening.
Who knows what you're actually going to find out when you speak the truth and other people speak the truth to you?
So much easier if we all just lie to each other and all just play along and get along and then we don't have to deal with anything hard.
But this is the real world.
And you're dealing with things that have serious consequences for yourself, for others, for your children, for your immortal soul, all of us.
So figure out what's going on.
Find out what the truth is.
Don't be afraid of it.
Or at least don't let that fear stop you.
And once you figure out that truth, you can figure out what you're going to do next.
