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June 2, 2016 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
24:27
From the Mouths of Babel
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Time Text
Alright, sound, check.
Video, check.
Backup video, check.
Stage technology, check.
Target out of my league, check.
Host channel above my station, check.
Gaud-shaped bottle, check.
Gord, good, good, good.
Good.
Hey, Sargon, how did ancient Mesopotamians pronounce things?
We should work together on this most worthy of conundra.
Okay, so we're gonna take something silly and make it serious, and then silly again, and then serious again.
We'll keep alternating as much as we can until someone's brain falls out, and then we'll do lunch.
Equal pay is an issue.
Whoa there, Jimmy!
Whoa now!
We've had you for about one second, and I think that puts us in the copyright notification.
Danger Zone!
About 25 minutes with John Oliver was enough to get us crooked off last time, and I'm just doing the math.
You're incredibly famous, Jimmy.
Incredibly.
All just thing aside, Jimmy.
How do you feel about Gorka?
Agreed.
So, whatever differences we may have, we should be fighting together for the common cause of bringing down the likes of Gorka, right?
I mean, little did they know we have a Hulk.
The cave troll has done most of the necessary damage.
But it doesn't help much, Jimmy, if despite this victory, you are going right ahead and growing exactly the same radioactive greenhouse bonsai cancer in which Gorka specializes.
You've only had one second in which to speak.
And you've already hit a questionable statement.
Equal pay is an issue.
Imagine, Jimmy, if the very first thing you said was Kennedy did not get assassinated.
Because the very first thing you did say, Jimmy, was Kennedy did not sign the Equal Pay Act of 1963.
He did, Jimmy.
It happened more than half a century ago, and you're still pretending it didn't.
Equal pay is not an issue.
Beetlemania is not an issue.
The invention of AstroTurf is not an issue.
Unless you are stuck in the same regressive upside-down RNG plasma-coated time warp as the likes of Gorka.
Pause for bewildered reaction.
RUN INTRO
Women are peeing Did I expect it to sound more sprightly than that?
Women are peeing Women are paid less than men because they earn less.
Equality of opportunity has been achieved, but it does not translate directly into equality of outcome.
Especially not when you're dealing with two biologically disparate sets of people.
That is the correct answer, the objectively correct answer to the question, why are women paid less than men?
But at least it's a valid question.
At least that question does not contain a lie, unlike the next one.
Why do you think women get paid less than men for the same jobs?
They don't.
You just lied to a child.
I know I know you have something of a checkered past, Jimmy, when it comes to lying to children for shits and giggles.
Well, doing it with the cunning use of a surreptitious incorporeal female voice may slip you under everyone else's radar, but not mine.
For those of you out of the know, for the past five years, Jimmy Kimmel and the American public have been conducting an experiment to see what happens when you lie to children about stealing their Halloween candy.
the results are apparently hilarious.
It's perhaps amusing for the first 10 seconds but by the end of the 30 seconds it's beginning to dawn on you what this is.
Of course, one important detail which mitigates but does not excuse these actions is you eventually do tell them the truth and you give them back their candy after a sufficiently entertaining tantrum has been bled out of them.
But here, in this latest offering, Jimmy and Co, you're lying to a very young girl, telling her the bad man will take away 23% of her candy.
And what are you gonna do if she throws a tantrum?
Are you then gonna say, sorry, honey, I was lying?
No, you're gonna keep fucking lying.
You're gonna let her spend the rest of her life throwing this tantrum?
Because you're fucking cunts.
Let's see how hilariously this pans out, shall we?
Why do you think women get paid less than men for the same jobs?
Girls don't work as hard as the boys.
Wasn't expecting that!
What are they doing instead of working hard?
Um doing other stuff.
Like what kind of other stuff?
Texting and running on the track.
Brutal!
Bass kid search the truth.
Ace and all, 15 love.
Your name is now Bass Kid.
Find me Bass Kid.
I want to run HPR, I want to run Overlords, I want to run drunken fucking presents.
She's a legit legend now.
Fuck trickly puff.
Hello, success story for once.
Base kid for president!
Base kid!
Base kid!
Don't leave her alone, I'm kidding.
Kidding.
What?
Um, maybe women aren't acting as they should.
Maybe they're acting weird, so people think that they shouldn't be treated as really as men would be.
I can't quite do this by myself, in a manner of words.
I'm going to need to go old school counsellor.
One moment.
Young man, has anyone had the talk with you?
The one about how girls are allowed to hit you, that you're not allowed to hit girls?
Uh it's not fair, it's not right, but that's the world we live in.
People are strict gender fascists, even when it comes to violence against children.
Uh according to the practical implications of the Violence Against Women Act, we would sooner see a hundred infant boys brutally tortured than see so much as a solitary adult woman pushed aside in self-defense.
Well, that general rule isn't just limited to physical violence.
It also extends to speech and expression.
You're allowed to say men are not acting as they should.
That's progressive.
That's right think.
But you are not allowed to say women are not acting as they should.
Even with a baby in front of it.
That's called misogyny, young fellow, my lad.
You're suggesting that women might be responsible for their own underachievements.
That you hate women, little boy.
That's what that is.
I know you're only nine or whatever, and you're struggling to word this right.
But the truth is, millions of adult women now think you're a misogynist because of how you worded that.
So, for future reference, the answer they are looking for is women earn less than men because men are not acting as they should.
Is that clear?
Yeah, it's not the correct answer, but it is the only acceptable answer.
How did you do that?
Because probably some women in California don't really have jobs.
Bloody good point.
I mean, why would you get a job when the government will pay you to rape a man with a job?
Why do you think that women make less money than men?
I think these are very underrated because they can do more, but people expect them to do less.
Oi, geeky specky kid from before.
This young man is properly trained.
See, once upon a time, he would have given the same answer as you.
Maybe women aren't acting as they should.
But someone quickly snapped to attention and went, that's a horrible thing to say.
You're a misogynist.
You hate women.
Never say that again.
And now he understands.
The acceptable answer is women don't need to do anything.
Women need to stay exactly as they are, and all the other people need to make all the sacrifices.
Do listen to the motherload of auditory dog treats you'll get for saying that.
What kind of mother can they do?
Well, a lot of people underestimate them and they could do so much more.
There's jobs that men can't do that women can.
Woohoo!
Assertions!
If there's one thing we love, it's assertions.
Like what?
Like.
Come on, Sonny.
Like what?
Can you translate that assertion into an example of demonstrable reality?
You've got every woman in the audience in the palm of your hand.
They are hanging on your every whimsy like a sick patch of Gandhi's pubic lice.
Don't let us down now.
What things are women good at?
They can be an actress.
A man can't be an actress.
Well, they can do whatever their heart tells them to do.
You could be president.
My lad.
I'm serious.
You think like Justin Trudeau and you talk like Donald Trump.
How do we make women great again?
Here, let me tell you something.
I love women.
Women do good.
And if we all women, great.
I win economy current year.
Jobs, women policy moving forward.
China, China.
Taxes, healthcare, China, women taxes.
Hey, check out this woman's shoes.
They're awesome.
You're all awesome.
I'm having a great time.
All right, I hope we're learning some shit next.
Because maybe she doesn't know those stuff, and maybe they don't teach her those stuff.
But the guy knows that stuff?
Yes.
She might be talking about qualifications in STEM fields, or perhaps what she meant by those stuff is a healthy degree of self-doubt.
Maybe that's what women aren't being taught.
To doubt themselves, to reconsider their moral superiority once in a while.
It feels character.
Maybe you should be cheering for this young lady rather than for weed justin true dump back there.
But no, you'll never be president, young lady.
Not with this maybe women should learn more stuff attitude.
No, no, no, no, no.
Men should learn more stuff.
Or less stuff.
Whatever.
Women are already learning all they need to know in the gender studies departments.
They should just, they should, they should, men should give women more money.
All right.
Just and there is a god!
You don't need to believe him, but you have to say it!
Check out this next kid.
He's barely out of the larval stage, but look how well trained he is.
They're very good.
And they work all the time like my mom.
So what are you guys doing right now?
Wait, here, now.
Are you having your lunch break together?
Alrighty.
And how about men?
They work till.
Where's your dad?
Can you point to him?
He's busy working.
Okay.
Who worked harder?
Moms.
Mothers work harder than men.
To say mothers work harder than fathers would be controversial enough, but mothers work harder than men.
I don't think anyone works harder than men, friend.
Look around you.
I don't think any organism outside the arthropod phylum has worked harder than men.
What you are saying is a falsehood, and you're saying it to appease your mother.
No doubt she does a lot for you, and it's admirable of you, especially for one so young, that you'd offer sympathy and encouragement and emotional tidings in return.
But a falsehood is none of these things in practice.
A falsehood only creates a crutch for its own codependency.
I hope for both of your sakes you grow out of this arrangement.
I'm going to steal your applause now.
I'm going to have it back when you stop lying.
How do you think we're going to make that happen?
Maybe we need a woman president.
Maybe, let's see.
If we have like a good group of people to help around the world, or maybe a good president who could help.
Don't say Trump.
And who would be a good president to help with that?
Don't say Trump.
Um, probably.
What am I doing?
Don't say Donald Trump.
Because he can.
I think he thinks of women and men the same and equal.
Except Rosie O'Donnell.
Yeah, if a woman is shitty at her job, fuck her.
Give it to a woman who's good at it.
Why do you think women make less money than men for the same jobs?
Lie.
Is this giving you a headache?
Stop lying to him.
There's a deer.
Why do you think that women make less money than men?
Well, probably because women care about shopping more than work.
Another place, kid.
They're fucking everywhere.
Hey, you wouldn't strawman a child, would you?
Incorporeal female presenter.
You wouldn't record a child's statements uncut and verbatim and then immediately, bold-facedly misrepresent what the child said in an attempt to shame her into retracting her statement.
Would you?
You wouldn't stoop so low as to apply your fascist micro-propaganda to a young girl as punishment for her honesty, would you?
And so you think that they're kind of slacking off at work, shopping online, and that's...
She didn't call women slackers.
She may have just meant there are many women who have no jobs to slack from because they'd rather spend their daylight hours gathering supplies.
She didn't say anything about online shopping.
But she's young and suggestible enough to be hoodwinked into thinking she said something she didn't say.
But shit, even though your straw man affirmatively screwed up the argument and your opponent's brain, it didn't even discourage her.
She's like, yeah, I'll take your straw man.
I'll fucking run with it.
I love this kid.
Yeah.
Have you ever seen that happen?
No, but I think it.
Actually, you know what I think she's alluding to?
I think she's one of those smart kids, and she's smart enough to be this sardonic.
She's, they're both, all of them.
They're standing in the middle of a bustling commercial area in California.
They only have to look around them to notice that women make up at least 70% of the people doing the shopping.
You are asking a child to mentally deduce something that is already being physically demonstrated all around you.
You're being willfully ignorant for the sake of trying to brainwash this child.
And although it looks like you may have successfully bullied her into some kind of philosophical submission, I think she's got one over on you.
With a little bit of help from the doctor.
Speaking of which, let's do a little bit of doctoring, shall we?
And they work all the time like my mom.
Have you ever seen that happen?
No, but I think it.
It's underhanded, isn't it?
Putting words in kids' mouths.
It's not just underhanded, it's.
It's a series of adjectives, each more homological than the last.
Never mind.
Uh, because men work harder.
Again, correct answer.
Objectively correct answer.
You are already smarter than the pediatric gotcha journalist who is interviewing you.
Harder in like real estate and other jobs.
How do you know that?
Because my dad's a real estate agent.
Alright, similar situation as before, except this kid is proud of his dad for being a real estate agent, and that other kid is proud of his mother for being a mother.
So both boys are getting a head start on their aspirations in life.
Have you ever seen a female real estate agent?
Uh, yes, I've seen a couple.
And you think they don't work as hard?
I think they slouch.
Damn!
Fucking hell.
Well, you know, no one in my family is a real estate agent, so I'm gonna have to bow down to your immersive life experience here.
And hey, it's not much, but it's something.
It's good advice, ladies.
Don't slouch.
No one wants to buy a house from someone who looks like they're decomposing from chronic fatigue.
In fact, there are very few jobs in which slouching is beneficial.
So which kid are you gonna listen to?
That one or this one?
They can do whatever their heart tells them to do.
Because that kid's saying slouch if you want to.
And that's bad advice.
Universally bad advice.
You'll do your spine in slouching all the time.
This kid is an enabler of women's unhealthy lifestyles.
He's a feeder in the making.
You know what I mean?
He's not just a chubby chaser.
He's going to set up shop and grow himself a human spillage.
Why do you think women make less money than men?
Because all the men make all the decisions and make all the rules.
What?
You've never seen women making rules?
Sorry, incorporeal female presenter voice.
I thought I'd do the honours of pulling that trick of yours.
You keep forgetting to do it at the most just goddamn it moments.
And it's always male presidents, and there's never a female president.
Okay, so if you had a female president, maybe she'd sign some kind of Equal Pay Act of 1963.
If there was a female president, do you think all that would change?
Probably a little bit.
Do you think that'll ever happen?
I hope so.
Thatcher.
Margaret Hilda Thatcher.
For three consecutive terms, she led the government of the sovereign state of a female monarch.
I make this point for anyone who's tactically thinking to themselves, if we elect Hillary, then at least everyone will shut up about the glass ceiling once and for all.
Yeah, no, they won't.
They'll pretend it didn't happen.
Thatcher didn't count.
Angela Merkel doesn't count.
Queen fucking Bodicea didn't count.
And they'll figure out a way to make Hillary not count either.
The myth of the glass ceiling will remain until 50% of your leaders have been female, having been put there because of their vaginas.
And even then, the myth will still remain until there are 90% to compensate for the history of patriarchy.
And even when all the men are dead, the myth of the glass ceiling will still be believed.
The myth of the wage gap will still be believed.
And the myth of the patriarchy will still be believed.
Articles of faith do not go away because of logic.
They go away only with the death of the last generation of fools who believe them.
This is going to take a long time.
Why do you think women make less money than men for the same jobs?
I know the resista plays.
She was told to say that.
She was fed that line.
It's obvious because of what her eyes were doing.
All the other kids were either looking at the interviewer or looking to various empty spaces while they tried to articulate their thoughts.
She was very clearly looking from one adult to another to make sure she was saying the right things at the right time.
And she said it with no naturalistic intonation at all.
When they sound like peanuts characters, you've done a shitty job of putting words in their mouth.
Thankfully, for the most part, you've done a shitty job of getting them to lie for you.
I guess they're too young for that.
I never used to give any credence to the idea that children are in some way smarter than adults.
Like, more keyed in.
I thought it was just some bullshit head trick that people pull on themselves to stop them from strangling their kids.
But I'm starting to see it.
See, the way this format normally works, the whole kids say the funniest things routine, is you interview children about a grown-up subject, and you laugh when they get the facts wrong, and you cheer when they get the facts right.
But here, when you ask them about this faith article of yours, when they get the facts wrong, you cheer, and when they get the facts right, you're all plunged into stony silence, where you're thinking, oh, they're wrong, they're obviously wrong.
We can't figure out how, but obviously they're just little misogynists.
They're just too young not to be misogynists and internalized misogynists.
We'll educate them later.
We'll figure out how to do this behind closed doors when they're mid-pubescent and desperate for an identity.
Until then, we'll quietly shuffle them away and hope they don't say these horrible, horrible, untrue things again.
Maybe women are not acting like they should.
Well, I never.
No dinner plates for you tonight, young man.
You'll have two beans and you'll eat them off your glasses.
I'm now seeing how childhood indoctrination works.
And I'm seeing why we've historically had this rule that children should be seen and not heard.
Because children have this nasty habit of saying things like, Daddy, daddy, if God knows everything, then how can He change anything?
And also saying things like, Mummy, Mummy, people get paid less because they work less.
It's a sure sign of a regressive society when you can figure out the first bit but not the second bit.
Well, yeah, the first major sign of a regressive society is shut those men up.
The next sign is shut those children up.
The third and final sign is shut those women up.
This usually happens after a major catastrophe or severe depletion of the Empire.
And the signs are alive.
Watch the skies for the changes.
I will be elsewhere.
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