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Aug. 2, 2015 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
01:29:11
Cards Against Humanity Stream
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Time Text
Right.
So hello everyone.
We're playing Cards Against Humanity.
These are people you probably know, so I won't bother introducing them.
All right, fine.
Don't say, hey, everyone, Armored Skeptic is here.
You're supposed to announce lordship.
Probably.
You've never played the Saviour Armored Skeptic.
No, this is my maiden voyage and cards against humanity.
Okay, so at the moment, then what you can see on your screen, you should be able to see a black card.
And I'm the card czar, which means that I get to read out the black card and then you guys have to answer it, and I will choose the best answer.
And the funniest answer is completely arbitrary and subjective.
Whichever I find the funniest wins, and then that person scores points, but I don't know who put that down, so go for it.
So the question you have to answer is, you were banned.
The reason was blank.
Okay.
Got it.
Yeah, I got mine.
And then confirm selection.
My cards are kind of shitty.
Okay.
Yvonne.
The reason was.
I do kind of want to go Thunderfoot, but African children is a bit funnier.
I like mine.
I think Thunderfoot was funny.
It makes sense if you're on it.
Okay, well, the next one is...
Okay, shoot.
Sweet.
How am I maintaining my relationship status?
Uh, the obvious choice is a little obvious.
How am I retaining...
How am I maintaining my relationship status?
Dragon dildos, child beauty pageants, emotions.
Dragon beards.
Good.
Oh, cool.
Child beauty pageants.
Jesus.
I will say though, I did chuckle more at the child beauty pageants.
Oh, God.
Who's the cards?
Oh.
Oh, it says, yeah, skeptic if I do.
Yeah, wouldn't it be great if all games were blank?
I mean, I'd play this game.
I'd play this game.
Great if all games were keeping choice for Christmas, dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the poll up and sexual humiliation.
I like the shut up.
I don't know, because it's pretty obvious which one I want to click.
Do it.
Okay, here we go.
Oh, come on.
That was mine, but I liked other people's answers.
As soon as I knew that it was skeptic, that was running this one.
I was like, keeping the Christ in Christmas.
I'm going to play on the atheism.
That's how I'm going to win this game.
You don't know me at all.
I've never seen one of your videos, sir.
Tell the first team.
Who is he?
All right.
Oh, God.
Okay, so we're up here.
White people like blank.
Oh, well, I win, so this is the winner.
If you don't pick this, I don't.
Okay, I can't see him just yet, so it's mine.
Okay, yeah, sure, maybe.
Oh, white people like free samples.
Tumblr, laying an egg.
Oh, God.
The obvious answer is obvious.
It's fucking Tumblr.
Yay.
I told you.
I suck at this game.
I'm playing my cards.
Okay.
I do not know with which.
I do not know with which weapons World War III will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with blank.
Um, God, well, you know what?
World War IV will be fought with possible transvestites.
Yeah.
It's the future, man.
Immediately, Eddie Azard comes to mind.
It's not possible.
What would grandma find disturbing yet oddly charming?
I got mine.
Oh, God.
You always know it's a good one when he laughs.
I make a wish one isn't the placenta.
Well, the placenta.
Yes.
Are you telling me that your grandmother doesn't find Will Smith disturbingly charming?
How do you think he got popular in the 90s?
Sargon, you're getting your ass kicked.
I know, man.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, my screen.
This game totally.
I don't have any awesome points.
Look how not awesome I am.
Skeptic.
Oh, I am the card czar.
Okay.
I learned the hard way that you can't cheer up a grieving friend with blank.
I'm just getting worded.
With hope.
I don't know.
you could cheer somebody grieving with all three of these things one way or another.
I guess I'll go with this one, just because it's so fucking boring.
That's right.
Show people Reddit.
Fuck them.
All right.
I am the card czar.
Now, this is a two-card pick, so you get to pick two cards.
Skeptic, you were prepared for this, man.
I know.
We're trying to teach him the ways of the cards against humanity.
So, okay, I'm going to do this in the voice of a movie announcer.
In his summer comedy, Rob Schneider is blank, trapped in the body.
Wow, you suck.
You suck. You can do it.
Whatever shoe I'm winning.
Damn it.
Fuck.
His new summer.
Rob Schneider is a carrot.
Rob Schneider.
Rob Schneider Okay well I wasted these cards I better win.
Yeah, I think I'm just going to get rid of some of the ones I've got that I can't really use.
Yeah.
Boom, Shakalaka.
Please never say that again.
Now you know you have to only say that after everything.
Let us not fight.
Okay, let's see here.
In this new summer comedy, Rob Schneider is a tempur-pedic Swedish sleep system trapped in the body of clams.
All right.
In this new summer comedy, Rob Schneider is heartwarming orphans trapped in the body of Mr. Clean right behind you.
In this new summer comedy, Rob Schneider is the Kool-Aid man trapped in the body of Anita Sarkeesian.
Ooh, it's a tough one right there because Mr. Clean is a scary motherfucker.
Obviously, it would bring in the no, but I gotta go with the Kool-Aid Man and Sarkeesian here.
That's amazing.
Oh, shit.
You and I are tired.
Those were all extra.
Those are all good together.
Right, okay.
Dear sir or madam, we regret to inform you that the office of blank has denied your request for blank.
Okay.
This.
Okay, I think I just figured out what I'm going to do.
So, dear Sarah Madam, we regret to inform you that the Office of Read them all out for the audience, Sargon.
These are all awesome, right?
The Office of Substitute Teachers have denied your request for boobs.
Pictures of boobs.
That's amazing.
The Office of Huff Post has denied your request for overcompensation.
That's irrelevant.
Man, that is a good selection.
I'm going for the huff post because I fucking hate the huff post.
Ah, fuck you.
You're facing my good goddammit.
All right.
Yeah.
So, Armory, I need you to distract you while I win the rest of this thing.
This is how we're going to do it.
Harmful Opinions finally made it.
His potato internet finally works.
You're all fucked now.
You're done for.
The thing is, I'd say you've got like a four-point fucking handicap, but then so do I.
So, you know, you're probably still true.
So, yeah, just kind of, you know how to play this.
I'll just carry on this.
Yes, indeed.
You're already tied with Sargon, so you're doing okay.
And Sargon's been here since the beginning.
He's the fucking game.
Yes, Matt, that was the joke.
Very good.
So if he's happy for explaining all my jokes, get it.
Haven't you watched my channel or not?
Those pictures are not worth my time, Matt.
You don't explain jokes.
It just looked like you're not having to deal with them again.
A curse upon thee.
Many years from now, just when you think you're safe, blank shall turn into blank.
Except, of course, the game is not updating for me.
You might have to wait until the next.
All right.
Come on, guys.
I've got some good ones, but I don't know how to arrange them.
This game sucks.
There's like nothing to the imagination.
If you get shitty cards, it's not funny.
I didn't even get to choose one.
I guess it must be a timer.
Okay.
Chris Apondi, many years from now, just when you think you're safe, Zoe Quinn shall turn into coat hanger abortion.
Chris Pondy, many years from now, just when you think you're safe, my humps will turn into a low standard of living.
Oh, fuck, I had an amazing combo for that one as well.
I can't tell the next one.
Okay, these two are really good cards, so whoever used these wasted good cards, so I'm going to go with it because I feel bad.
Yeah.
Yes, you pitied me.
I pity you.
Collusion.
Collusion.
What helps Obama unwind?
What helps Obama unwind?
You took my job from me.
Answer the goddamn question.
I got a good missed camera hug over here.
Sorry.
Oh man, there are some good ones there.
Fucking hell.
Oh my god, there's some good ones.
Choose wisely.
Oh god, I make enemies with some of these.
There is only one correct option.
There we go.
Hey, there you go.
God damn it.
I'm lost still.
I can't believe being marginalized doesn't help it.
Nobody thinks you're funny, Sargon.
Check your.
I've got the fucking bullet here.
Come on.
This one can't possibly be on the card.
I don't have anything for that.
Alright.
Check your blank.
I don't have a good one.
Can I just get rid of this?
Sargon, I'm counting on you.
I'm counting on you.
I want at least one point.
Alright.
Before Sean Head wins this.
Check your man spreading.
Check your Hispanic.
Check your spreadsheet.
For what?
Their papers?
Is this Arizona?
Just don't click Sargon's Law because you know he did that.
I have no idea if he did.
You could be lying.
Oh, God.
This one's fucking funnier.
It's harmful.
He's making a quick comeback.
How is Hispanic's not the best one?
Because I live on the West Coast, man.
I get accused of being hateful towards Hispanic enough.
That's just.
You might have freedom of speech, but it doesn't mean you can say blank to me.
Oh, I got a good one.
Ooh, I got a good one.
Doing my happy dance.
If you don't pick mine, you guys are misogynists.
I am openly misogynistic.
I don't mind.
It doesn't matter to me.
Some of us keep our misogyny hidden in very dark places.
I keep Minecraft.
This is tricky.
I like.
You might have freedom of speech, but it doesn't mean you can say bossy to me.
Ah, damn it.
Fuck.
Not a single point.
So you're not a misogynist.
All right.
That was a close one.
Sargon, get good, Scrub.
Get good.
Wait, did I win?
Yeah, you won.
Yeah, I'll win.
Oh, no, wait, is it still on?
Oh, it's a new one.
Yeah, we're playing a new round.
Okay.
That picture of Blank gave me STD.
PTSD.
Open your goddamn eyes.
Anyways, that picture of Blank gave me PTSD.
It is literally just like rape.
Wow, I'm so glad I don't have to answer this one because this is horrible.
All right, let's see how we do.
Beach one, you ready?
This one goes out to all the MRAs out there.
Oh, we have one.
We're doing this one again.
my maintaining my relationship status.
This one is true.
Does it count as a relationship if you abduct them?
We're not here to argue semantics.
Really, whatever way you want to do.
Oh, okay.
Let's see.
How am I maintaining my relationship status?
Abstinence?
Powerful thighs.
That's interesting.
Not giving a shit about the third world, obviously, because fuck them.
And stranger danger.
Ooh, I got a bigger laugh.
Yeah.
Sargon, all right.
Yes.
I'm off the steel credit.
You are.
you are going to be uh...
cardies won't keep repeating I know.
Speak cards are the Office of Impressed Me.
All right, this one's good.
It's a little racist, but it's good.
What do you mean, but it's good?
It's a little racist, so it's good.
Well, you know what Avenue Q says, Shu.
Everyone's a little bit racist sometimes.
Okay, well, you can't be the only one.
It's a racist one.
I'm just dumping cards.
All right, let's see how this is going to be.
Is that Sargon?
Is that your strategy?
You're just like, ah, fuck it.
Yeah, that's why you lost all man.
See what's next.
No, should I be reading through all of these?
Yes, each one.
Just read the one you want, though.
You don't know.
Right, okay.
Make it fun for the audience, man.
Read that shit.
People who like to read.
It's 2015.
It should be like the fish approach to Cards Against Humanity.
Make it as painful for them as possible.
It's going to be.
Dear sir, madam, we regret to inform you that the Office of Instilling Patriarchal Views has denied your request for a mime having a stroke.
Come on!
Well played.
That's good.
Okay.
The Underground Railroad denying Michelle Obama's arms.
That was good as well.
That was good as well.
I was surprised he picked mine, but thank you, social opinion.
Frank, bet you can't have just one.
Ugh.
God, you shit cards.
Oh, fuck it.
Dead parents, bitch.
Yeah!
That's...
That's more like factual than it is.
That's a game.
You've got him on grammar.
I'll be black in a second.
I'll be back in a second.
You'll be black in a second?
Uh-oh.
What's he planning to do?
What is my anti-drug?
I'm pretty sure racial transition takes quite a long time, so he's lying to us.
If he has a sharpie or a lot of shoe polish and a brush, two minutes he's good.
Is that what Shu uses on her hair?
Yes.
What is my anti-drug?
I'm just going to have to throw a shitty card at this one.
Get something good that I can use.
Trans black.
Hey, that's Sargon.
Tangled slinkings.
Republicans.
None of these are that funny, but I guess I'm going to go with some tasteful side boob when in doubt.
Drug.
Everyone loves tasteful side boob.
I just picked an appealing card, to be honest.
I didn't have anything fitting, so just go for the pandering option.
Okay, I'm the czar.
You might have freedom of speech, but it doesn't mean you can say blank to me.
We already did this one.
I know.
There's a lot of repeats this round.
This isn't actually a game.
You are being tested for Alzheimer's.
Am I passing?
I'm going to disagree with that because I live in America.
We give mental health zero fucks here.
Yes, because everyone lives where you live, Matt.
Jeez, get over your shit.
Hey, man, I live in Oregon.
You know the hipster population here worse than Brooklyn.
All right.
I'm sorry, that's extremely offensive.
Did you hear that saying America is a microaggression or describing a place as being American, if you mean the United States, is very exist?
Really?
It suggests that South America doesn't exist.
Jesus Christ.
Shoe, that's got to be you.
That's got to be you.
It wins through.
I even said this.
Just wanted to see who won anyway.
Just want to know.
So you know, this means both Shu and I are confirmed for hating that video.
Yep.
That's perfectly fine.
You guys have larger subscribers than me anyway.
Feel free to make all the fun of me you want.
God, bring them to the channel.
Let me win them over with my wiles.
Don't try to take those emotional position.
In the new original movie, Hannah Montana struggles with blank for the first time.
This had better be good.
Really good.
I can't promise you much.
I'm sorry.
God damn it, harmful opinion.
Matt has a feel to be the only one without a good voice in this chat.
Burn.
My voice is fine.
Thank you very much.
I am coming off being sick, so I do sound a little out of it.
Yeah, but nobody's getting wet off your voice, is what we're saying.
Hey, hey, we're live, so I can't talk about some stories, but that is not true.
I'm kidding, I'm the only one.
I get some weird messages, man.
Anyway, let's see.
In the new Disney Channel original movie, Hannah Montana struggles with quivering chows for the first time.
The neglected Tamagotchi and asymmetric boob drop.
Oh my god, it's the Tamagotchi.
Oh, seriously?
Seriously.
Did you ever have a Tamagotchi when you were a child?
Yes, 24.
So when Tamagotchis were around, you were literally in diapers.
No, I had like seven Tamagotchi.
I had a Tamagotch babysitting service.
Thank you very much.
I took care of my friend Tamagotchi's.
Anyway, sorry, I got a little defensive.
Yeah, get with the knife.
UK shit.
She's like, I had those in slap bracelets.
Oh my god.
UK universities have banned blank as it is a microaggression and thus unacceptable.
Hmm.
Huh.
Ooh, I got my favorite card here.
There we go.
Ah, damn it.
I want to change my card, but I can't.
Any given answer is liable to actually be true.
Oh, shit.
That could well be anything.
Shame I'm not in this round.
I were kind of kicked because I was away.
My favorite is.
UK universities have banned egalitarian as it is a microaggression and that's unacceptable.
That one tickled me.
Yes!
That's how our role sounds is going to end up being true.
Yeah.
I'm scared.
U.S. presidential candidate Hillary promises.
It's me, actually.
Sorry.
Oh.
But yeah, Hillary promises to end blank as part of her campaign.
Sure.
You know, I think apples to apples is funner because it leaves stuff to the imagination and you have to be funny.
Have you guys ever played that game?
No.
It's what Cards Against Humanity is based off of.
So nothing's like derogatory or dirty.
So you like have to make things dirty and derogatory.
It's fun.
I'm playing worst cards ever game today.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I think, really, it's got to be Hillary Clinton promises to end Donald Trump as part of the campaign.
Oh, yes.
Fuck.
I love Donald Trump.
I find him so amusing.
Yes.
I think everyone should just vote for him as a joke.
I think so.
I mean, it couldn't be any worse than Bush, surely.
Blank.
That's how I want to die.
Kick some good ones.
Got a good one for this.
Kotaku, that's how I want to die.
No, I do not.
Teaching robots to love.
That's how I want to die.
Exchanging pleasantries.
That's how I want to die.
Oh, well, we're going to go with this one.
Oops.
No, it's not letting me.
There we go.
I need a Sarkeesian sitting on my face.
That's how I want to die.
Damn it.
Okay.
Harmful opinions swept this one.
God damn.
He did.
That's crazy shit.
Give me some good fucking cards this time, asshole game.
You've got to click start because you're the host now.
Uh, okay.
Start.
Once I've seen a couple rounds, I can just metagame it.
I know all of your personalities now.
I can just destroy.
Matt, it's you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, I'm the cards.
All right.
Major League Baseball has banned blank for giving players an unfair advantage.
I've got some really great ones.
I don't know what to go for.
Do you have good cards this time, skeptic?
Is he dead?
I'm here.
Oh.
You have to understand, he's strategizing.
Let's pack the juice.
Is Dr. Lehman here?
Is that where I came from?
Oh.
Oh, dental dams.
Really?
You didn't go with the Jews?
Dental dams are funnier.
You can blame the Jews for anything.
Yes, if you're saying that.
Sams only have a few purposes.
Here is the church.
Here is the steeple.
Open the doors and there is blank.
I got a good one.
I'm always scared when people laugh.
That sounds like a problem.
Well, just because they laugh doesn't mean that the card czar is going to laugh.
Oh, fuck.
One of those is really good.
I like it.
Okay.
Oh, come on.
There's an obvious choice there.
Here's the church.
Here's the steeple.
Open the doors.
And there is sexual tension.
Yes.
Well done.
I thought the Boy Scouts was funnier.
Yeah, that was mine.
In a thousand years when paper money is a distant memory, how will we pay for goods and services?
Hmm.
Hmm.
Ooh, this one might actually be true one day, and it kind of scares me.
I've got nothing, so I'm just tossing out a card that seems funny to me.
Vaginal yogurt.
Yeah, that's something I never wanted to think about ever again.
Oh, God, that's horrifying.
I can be both part of this.
Vaginal yogurt is worse than dead babies.
That's where we are right now in our society.
Is that produced by or just eaten out of or what?
No, produced by.
There is a woman who created yogurt out of the bacteria from her vagina.
And it's not very edible, but she tried.
I hear a babby.
Yeah, I've got my son in...
That's why I had to be careful.
He's sleeping in a sleeping bag, but he's kind of restless today.
Aww.
Sorry, everyone.
Female minority gamers took to arms behind I'm taking this way too fucking seriously.
Like my heart is pounding all right female minority gamers took arms behind the kill all men hashtag okay Behind the necrophilia hashtag, behind the sock puppets hashtag, behind the neo-Nazis hashtag.
These are amazing.
Okay, the sock puppets actually make sense.
That's basically what it was.
Which one?
I'm gonna go with that because whatever.
Exactly, how high are you?
Because last I checked, isn't this game not be about reality?
I don't know.
Let's talk about it.
Was difficult for cavemen before...
Blank.
Mmm. All right.
For Doritos, no.
Life was difficult for cavemen before Doritos.
Pick Doritos.
Airports law.
It's a good one.
I kind of have to pick the one that was.
I kind of have to pick Doritos.
No.
Oh, shit.
That wasn't very funny either, because I realized I fucked up as I wrote it, but I win now, so who cares?
Let's move on.
All right.
Good job.
Good job not picking Doritos.
Playing high five, bro.
Yeah.
Thanks for doing my job for me, Shoe.
All right, Grumpy.
Come on.
Oh, baby.
All right.
Docs, high-five, bro.
Self-diagnosis.
High five.
Oh, my God, please.
Dying.
High five, bro.
Stormfront.
There we go.
That's funny.
He's dying.
I keep wasting all my good cards on you, Matt.
This is boring.
Were you dying?
I was dying.
I was dying.
Due to a PR fiasco, Walmart no longer offers.
Blank.
Hmm.
Hmm.
That was a good one.
Maybe they'll finally stop selling Isis Cakes.
I'm trying to imagine the situation where you go into a Walmart looking for these things.
And which one would be the most entertaining?
And I'm going to have to say: due to a PR fiasco, Walmart no longer offers cockfights.
Back in the game, baby.
Woo!
Fuck sleep.
This game sucks.
Why are we doing this?
This is you guys planning something that wasn't.
That wasn't funny.
Did you know here in the UK we call cockfights dick jousting?
I can't listen to him, everyone.
One word to describe feminism is blank.
Oh, I got a good one.
I win.
Oh, goodness.
Oh, there's some good ones up there.
That's sweet.
Jesus, that's very good.
Oh, let's go for a web of lies, I suppose.
Yes!
Keep my shit!
Chew, where you hug box?
Hugbox is the perfect one.
Blank, good for the last drop.
There we go.
Ugh.
A super soaker full of cat pee.
Good to the last drop.
Oh, these are all good.
Pixelated bukkake.
Good to the last drop.
Elderly Japanese man.
Good to the last drop.
The diminishing purity of the white rice.
Oh, no, these are all so good.
Chat, help me out.
They're far behind.
Yeah, there's like 30-second delay.
Fuck, I can't click this one.
Come on, let me click it.
Hope this isn't Matt.
You hope this isn't.
Hey, alright, Sargon got it.
Hey, finally.
Mine is pixelated Bukake.
Okay, I'm sorry.
What don't you want to find in your Chinese food?
Yes, a baby.
Correct answer.
I don't think we want to find a baby anywhere.
Alright, mine makes no fucking sense, but...
What don't you want to find in your Chinese food?
8 ounces of sweet Mexican black tar heroin.
Come on.
Excellent.
There we go.
I mean, can you imagine?
You open up your Chinese food and the person who made it is in there.
Unless it's a dog, I don't think it would happen.
Dear Abby.
Dear Abby, I'm having some trouble with blank and would like your advice.
Oh, I got a good one.
Oh, it's him.
Dear Abby, I'm having trouble with partying the Red Sea.
Kanye West pulling out and feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
See, the obvious one here, there's an obvious one, but I happen to like the feeding Rosie O'Donnell.
Hey!
I finally got a point.
Dear God, now I'm tied with him.
You're tired of the loser.
Blank is problematic to blank, so it must be banned.
You know, that last black card, that is what you can...
If you've gone for pulling out, that is what you can say during formal sex rather than casual sex.
I already got mine.
There's almost 1,400 people watching the stream right now.
Are you serious?
Holy shit.
I know.
Why?
People like Sargon.
Even though he supports Davis Arene and white nationalism on paper.
Yep.
That's Sargon.
Just on paper, though.
Just on paper.
I can't talk at that.
My microphone, you sons of bitches.
Okay.
Yeah, professional baby.
I'm now to go for this one.
Rampant sexism is problematic to teeny tiny Tumblr teeny boppers, so it must be banned.
Yeah, buddy.
Ah, goddamn of a bitch.
Not the woman.
Okay, how am I maintaining my relationships?
Look, just to be clear, I don't hate Shu because she's a woman.
I hate her because she's a woman and she doesn't hide that fact.
Yes.
Um.
Oh, this is a stupid one.
I like the last one.
Oh no.
Great.
This is good to know.
Chris, I'm the lowest scoring person in this game.
That's not good.
War, what is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.
Say it again now.
No.
Do it.
You can't just start off with war.
My good mind.
Mine's more like punctuation at the end of the song.
What is it good for?
Well, I mean, this was an episode on Always Sunny, so I'm going to have to go with this.
There was an episode on that.
I'm really slicking this game.
Jesus.
There was an episode of that show where they had a war so that you could more easily pick up girls at an abortion clinic.
Yeah, basically.
They had a war with eggs.
Before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I must show you.
I don't have any good ones.
Oh, come on.
My erection.
Nice point.
I'm sure there's a porno out there that actually has that exact same scene.
Before I kill you, Mr. Bond, I will show you my erection.
Damn it, now he's beating me.
This is bullshit.
Oh, my God.
Start picking mine, goddammit.
Comeback of the century.
Baby is actually my spirit animal, so.
Okay, I'm the cards are this time, so I cannot let Shu or Sargon win.
But thanks to Tumblr, I learned blank is oppressing minorities.
Oh, dear God.
The acceptable answer to this is everything is oppressing minorities.
I like my answer.
Being a dinosaur, fabricating statistics, a rival dojo, sobbing into a hungry man frozen dinner.
Yeah.
Confirm, cat ladies.
Woo!
Come on, go with the obvious answer here.
Matt, I take back every horrible thing I ever said about you.
That's fantastic, Scout.
Thank you.
It's the least I could do.
That's good.
You might have freedom of speech, but it doesn't mean.
Oh my god, they keep repeating shit.
Are we playing the same deck, though?
I think that they may not have a lot of black cards.
I don't have anything else.
That is an increasing problem in card games.
They just lack diversity.
Yeah.
Well, we need some yellow cards and some brown cards and some rainbow-colored cards.
And what's a trans color?
Is it just like a mishmash of colors?
Paramel cards.
Paramel cards.
That's right.
You gotta forget about them light-skinned people.
They catch a lot of shit.
You might have freedom of speech, but it doesn't mean you can say good grammar to me.
Say foreskinned.
Yeah, baby.
God damn it.
Skeptic in the house.
No.
Don't let him win.
I'll never hear that.
You see the card sets?
Yes.
Here's some expansions or something if you want.
Yeah, I did.
Like first version, second version, something.
Canadian version.
No, we're not doing that.
Only one person here would win.
Hey?
Sorry.
Yeah, I got a bunch of expansions on here now.
Okay.
Alright.
In the seventh circle of hell, sinners must endure blank for all eternity.
This is a good one, so I'm scared I'm wasting it.
Who's the card CR?
That would be I'm someone in the chat was wondering about the fat acceptance movement, like it was some kind of joke.
At the Festival of Dangerous Ideas, you know, the thing that in the past Hitchens has spoken at, there's going to be a talk called Radical Fat Acceptance.
Really?
Yes.
Wow.
That's so sad.
Who isn't picking their cards?
Sorgon?
No, I chose one.
Okay.
I think.
One, two, three.
I have picked mine.
I've picked the winning one.
Ah.
Okay.
In the circle of hell, sinners must endure gamer Ghazi for all eternity.
That's right, goddammit.
Well done.
They're all good cards.
They are.
Sexual agenda for all eternity.
That's hysterical.
Listen, Gary, I like you.
But if you want that corner office, you're going to have to show me blank.
Where did the skeptic go?
I'm here.
Oh.
All right, so you show me euphoria by Calvin Pyrrhus.
Literally just as bad as rape, or breastfeeding a 10-year-old.
Yeah, okay.
That's how you get the corner office in me, Gary.
Are you getting the corner office in Westeros?
Not many people get that corner office.
A successful job interview begins with a firm handshake and ends with.
Oh somebody got a blank code Oh, no.
Send this.
Mouth herpes.
Leaking orifices.
An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
Breathe bleeding.
Oh, there's two here.
There's two here I really like.
But someone wasted a blank card.
You can tell which one's you can tell which one, too.
I'm going with it.
Horrible bit.
There we go.
God damn it.
Mouth herpes, man.
That's where the fun is.
Yeah, I'm just gonna let pick that one.
I forgot we were like live on something.
Play cards against humanity with me, and you'll end up leaking for weeks.
When Pharaoh remained unmoved, Moses called down a plague of what?
What'd they call down, skeptic?
Come on.
You know this religion atheist shit.
I'm the czar.
I can't tell you.
Oh.
Call down.
like this one uh...
only got and One of these I cannot say for sure.
Please go with it.
It's perfect.
But these are all so good.
The answer is feminists.
Yes!
Did you know there's a feminist version of the Bible where he calls down a plague of brocusts?
I hope that's true.
Okay, James is a lonely boy, but when he discovers a secret door in his attic, he meets a magical new friend.
Is it Jared from Subway?
Is it that guy who was directing all those Law & Order episodes that was just convicted to child pornography?
Ghosts.
Spic.
I didn't know Spic is now just the name.
Judge Judy.
That'd be funny.
Ghosts.
Sexy Sammy's Twins.
That's a good one.
I like that one.
I'm going with the one that's going to be bad.
Yay.
I can get a point.
Suck it, skeptic.
Oh, yeah.
Enjoy your racist point, Sargon.
You bought that point through racism.
It's a dirty point.
Anthropologists have recently discovered a primitive tribe that worships blank.
If I had a Chihuahua, I would probably call it Spick.
Mmm, whatever.
I'm out of wine.
Who are we waiting on?
Sorgon.
No, no, you've got my racist choice.
Oh.
I have pros in Maya, yeah.
Oh, okay.
The first and the last one are good.
I like...
I like the first one, but it just doesn't fit enough the way I'd be saying it.
Anthropologists have recently discovered a primitive tribe that worships 4chan.
Yep.
Yeah, that's right.
The Ray tribe members do not take names.
They just keep chanting, we are Legion.
We do not forgive.
We do not forget.
Expect us.
That is an odd and unnecessary detail about that story.
That's anon, man.
That's old Anon.
That's not this new Netflix friends and blank lol.
Matt, Skeptics and Normie.
Oh, God, he's a Normie.
What are you doing dating a Normie?
It's disgusting.
I go everywhere.
I have to apologize for it.
Sorry.
And he's like, Andy's Canadian.
I'm like, I'm sorry, he's Canadian.
Okay, you know, as a person who is a first-generation Canadian American, you can cut him some slack for that one.
Okay.
The six things I could never do without oxygen, Facebook, chocolate, Netflix, friends, and blank lol.
Shut up!
Netflix friends and blank lol.
Oh man, why are my cards so amazing for this one?
Ethnic cleansing.
I want to go for movie bob, but ethnic cleansing is definitely funnier.
Ah, shit.
Blank just came out as a transsexual.
Oh, on the card.
Bizarre.
I can't see the game anymore.
What the fuck?
Yeah, it's just so true that you got booted out.
Just follow the link again, man.
You'll drop back in.
Imagine you were given the option to have a little red button.
If you pressed it, Movie Bob will be force-fed a gallon of ice cream.
But someone in the world would die.
Would you press it?
Can I pick the person?
Okay.
Probably not.
That's how that's a trade-off.
No.
Because I think he would like being force-fed a gallon of ice cream.
Yeah, it'd just be a boon to Movie Bob, wouldn't it?
It'd just be a regular afternoon.
He's sitting down, ready to watch a movie.
It's like, got my one gallon.
Here's another one.
It's a challenge.
Captain N to the rescue.
Skep, are you back in?
I'm here, yeah.
Okay.
I like mine.
Where did all your points go?
Yeah, suddenly you behind me.
Suck it.
Oh.
Burn.
The cards are.
Wait, who won the last round?
I did.
Awesome.
Okay.
I wasn't looking for a second.
TSA guidelines now prohibit blank on airplanes.
Lumberjack fantasy is the mixing of races.
Partying and walking away.
Or cockfights.
Well, I like to think we live back in the 1950s.
So prohibit the chick airlines.
Polar airlines.
Yeah, led by the king of paper money has got a distant memory.
Blank will be our currency.
Oh. Chat's bullying me.
They're saying I sound like Google Translate.
Wait, you're not the dude, but I'm not going to lie, harmful.
When I first heard your video, I honestly was like, oh, it's like Bane 666 all over again.
Yeah, I thought you were a voice translator.
I thought, yeah, you have a really good voice, but just for a second, I had to stop and go, no, this is a real human.
I get messages asking me what program I use to make the voice.
They asked me where they can buy it.
Is it called Microsoft Boring 2.0?
Oh my god.
Tham is my father.
Okay, in 1,000 years, when paper money is but addicted memory, anal beads will be our currency.
That's great.
You're damn right, motherfuckers.
I'm closing in on it.
Everyone, just don't pick Matt's.
That's the game now.
You've no idea what's mine.
The game is now do not let Matt win.
That sounds like the game of life.
That it's not funny when you just make it sad.
I just feel bad.
This week, Sargon, you're up.
Read that shit.
I'm waiting for you guys to shut up.
This week's new popular anti-white slur on Tumblr is blank.
Is it two blanks?
Yeah, it's blank, blank.
Oh.
This week's new popular end is.
Why do I have amazing cards for the ones I'm the card star for?
This makes no fucking sense.
I'm just getting rid of these.
Can we just do the Making the Penises Kiss card, please?
Yeah, yeah, it's too much agile making the penises kiss.
well you okay and there As part of this contract, Prince won't perform without blank in his dressing room.
What does Prince need in his dressing room?
You have three minutes.
I actually have no idea how long you have.
Wow, that's scaling.
As part of its contract, Prince won't perform without...
When in doubt, choose.
Three of these are actually factually correct.
There we go.
Yay!
Oh, this is my favourite card.
Daddy, why is mommy crying?
Okay, this ought to be good.
This is my favorite black card.
My favorite white card is bees.
Just bees, question mark.
That's excellent.
Okay.
The events depicted in James Cameron's avatar...
I wouldn't stop.
Oh my god, there's two here that are really good.
Okay, we're gonna go with the because it makes sense.
Yes!
Damn it.
And it's Chew who called for my failure.
God damn it.
Awarding me the win.
Oh yeah.
Who won?
I did.
God damn it.
Isn't that two you've won now?
No, I've only won the one.
So keep going, Chew.
Fuck it.
I've still a beer left.
Okay, let's do one more, I guess.
What beer are you drinking?
Pironi, like a gay continental.
I have one of those too, but okay, I'm the czar.
What's there a ton of in heaven?
Of what is there a ton in heaven?
You fucking stupid guard.
Euphoric.
I got a good one.
I've got a shit one, but it's making me laugh, so I was getting that.
I feel like I'm the only one here only drinking water, so probably not playing this game right.
Okay.
Okay, this is the clear winner.
Who had guy?
Who put God?
And the card is on.
All right, war.
What is it good for?
The Virginia Tech Massacre?
Republicans?
This scum.
A possible Muslim?
I like this one.
I don't understand it, and I like it.
But not good for Republican.
It is, but a possible Muslim.
Come on.
Okay, charades was ruined for me forever when my mom had to act out blank.
Sure.
The blood of Christ, the witch.
200 years of slavery.
Bull on your pants.
Slavery.
Obvious answer is obvious.
200 years of slavery.
Long game charades, too.
She got to the whole lynching part, and I was like, oh, my God.
What is going to happen next?
Blank is a slippery slope that leads to blank.
Mine is depressing.
Getting high is a slippery slope that leads to reading out other people's black cards.
I'm sorry.
She just can't help herself.
Sorry.
Cards of colour.
Yes.
Oh, man.
Okay.
These are all good.
I mean, one of them hits a bit too close to home, but anyway.
Yes, that's fine.
My sex life is a slippery slope that leads to fetal alcohol syndrome.
Jesus.
Woo!
That was good.
Well, I'm not tweeting leading to a hugbox.
Letting yourself go leads to dying alone in pain.
So what's the next superhero?
I keep forgetting we're live.
Yeah, you know.
People are watching.
Yeah, nothing captivates an audience like radio silence.
And then I see the chat.
Gone, who hasn't posted?
All right.
Goonie Beard Man.
It's got to be Goonie Beard Man.
It's not Gooney Beard Man, it's Goonie Man Beard.
Oh, Goonie Manbeard, sorry, yeah.
Don't you know copyright infringement?
Gotta change that shit.
What's a girl's best friend?
What's a girl's best friend?
Mine makes sense.
Oh my god.
uh... come on Oh my god.
Jesus, fine.
And I wasted the lube card.
Son of a bitch.
As part of his contract, Prince won't perform.
Oh, goddamn, it's this one again.
Prince will perform without Blank in his dressing room.
Oh god, I'm scared.
I got a good one.
Going 90s.
As part of his contract, Prince won't perform without Arnold Schwarzenegger in his dress room, without soiling oneself in his dressing room, without fancy fees in his dressing room, without a cop who is also a dog in his dressing room.
Okay.
Well, there's a clear and obvious winner here.
I can't click it, though.
Not letting me click it.
Got it.
Jiminy click it.
Woo!
Oh, goddammit.
No, fucking.
You should have known it's so 1990s.
It had to be me.
I know, that's true.
Oh, this ought to be a good one here.
Today on BuzzFeed, 10 pictures of blank that look like blank.
Ugh.
This is a good one.
So says you.
Makes a lot of sense.
Makes a little sense.
Aw, that's a really shit one for this.
It really pissed me off because it was a great card.
I know I wasted a good one.
I always did a really good one.
Okay, let's see.
Today on BuzzFeed, 10 pictures of booby trapping the house to foil burglars that look like a middle-aged man on roller skates.
Anita's face that looks like mom's basement.
I can understand that.
You seen her jowls?
Ten pictures of a bull of gourds and grandpa's ashes.
I like that one.
And ten that look like MGTOW and auto-cannibalism.
I'm going to go with the top one here.
Oh, really?
Grandpa's ashes was a good one.
Grandpa's ashes.
That was okay.
Hey baby, come back to my place and I'll show you blank.
This is my pick-up line.
Yeah, this is my one as well.
It's the obvious one, but it's also just phrased so beautifully.
Hey, baby, come back to my place and I'll show you the moist, demanding chasm of his mouth.
Damn it.
Hey, baby, come back to my place, and I'll show you generally having no idea what's going on.
How about the leveling up one would have thrown back some SPU episode shit right there to say it?
Okay, this is a good one.
Blank is my head mate.
Shut up, Bobby Two Fish.
I read the chat.
Fuck you.
I love it.
I haven't looked at the chat for ages.
These guys don't even read the chat.
It's like, yeah, fuck you.
I read the chat very, very briefly.
I've been reading this.
He certainly feels like this guy's my headmate.
Yeah.
I'm back on the mat.
The Academy Award for blank goes to blank.
This is kind of sad.
Oh, man.
And the Academy Award for a Disappointing Birthday Party goes to a piñata full of scorpions.
Boo.
Academy Award for Kotaku goes to the Jews.
Academy Award for Dining with Cardboard Cutouts of the Cast of Friends goes to the gays.
I don't think the gays liked that show.
The Academy Award for Nothing Goes to Sean Connery.
Come on, pick the obvious one.
Kotaku.
Yeah, that's it.
No.
God.
Tokyo aren't nearly funny enough to be the Jews.
I hate when people laugh.
Sorry, I can't help it.
I'm kind of drunk now.
No, I mean, because I know the cards are going to be crazy.
All right.
Next from J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter in the Chamber of Waterboarding.
Harry Potter in the Chamber of Poorly Timed Holocaust jokes.
Harry Potter in the chamber of an oppressed people in a vibrant culture.
High part in the jammer of jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
Um...
Logo.
I kinda like this one.
I'm just scared it's Matt's.
That would be the worst.
Jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
That was me.
Okay.
Just so you feel better.
I wish I sound capped that.
Okay, this movie has an all-white cast.
It's just as bad as blank.
For a long time, I didn't realize SJWs were complaining.
I thought they were just saying that guy and that production is all white.
Like, all right.
I thought they just had speech impediments.
No, they're just functionally retarded.
I like my answer.
You better pick it.
Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
I think this is going to be cool.
I just wanted to know that it was you.
Bravo.
Bravo.
That is cool.
I didn't even need to read the rest.
Okay.
During high school, I never really fit in until I found Blank Club.
I don't know.
Whatever.
Oppression kin.
During high school, I never really fit in until I found a snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis club, Adderall club, Godwin's law club, or oppression kin club.
Oh.
It's got to be Adderall Club.
Boom.
That's also the esports club.
Video games.
So tonight we'll have sex, and afterwards, if you'd like, a little bit of blank.
Whatever.
No, there's literally nothing for them.
That was perfect.
Real men don't blank.
It's too bad I can't answer this one.
I know I can't grammatically fit it.
Yeah, none of these fit, but my one sort of turns it into what you'd find on a weird Engrish Japanese t-shirt.
I guess mine kind of makes sense.
Real men don't atheism.
Well, I am clearly not picking that one.
Whoever put that up can rot in hell in that order.
Oh, come on.
Sounds to me like he's figuring out who wrote that card based on faith.
Matt, he took my understanding.
He took my last goddamn blank card.
You are a fucking dead man, Matt.
You are a dead man, Matt.
Next on ESPN2, the World Series of... Blank.
The chat's like, shots fired, fedoras fired.
Series of women's suffrage, enormous Scandinavian women, savage Negro beasts, vigilante justice.
Okay, the world series of women's suffrage is kind of funny.
Yeah, pick that one.
Oh, now I'm not.
Sure, let's go with this one.
Boom.
It's all to play for.
Oh, wow.
I better choose Shu's answer next, or else the game's over, because you got Thai right now.
That's some crazy shit.
Y'all better get good.
And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't that fucking nice.
Fuck that up.
Good job, bro.
I did, yeah.
That's damn right.
And I would have gotten away with it.
Don't try it again.
Nope.
For them, shut up, Shoe.
All right, you all can read that shit.
Fucking there you go.
See, I'd totally win this one if Shu was the one choosing.
But since she's not, I'm fucked.
I don't know.
You might have the better one.
I don't know.
Peeing into a girl's butt to make a baby.
The primal ball slapping sex your parents are right now.
Chainsaws for hands.
Movie Bob Edie.
Dire gallon of ice cream.
Oh, God damn it.
All right.
Gotta go movie bubb.
It's Sam.
Why?
Peeing into a girl's butt to make a baby.
Those questions we all had when we were kids.
Oh.
That actually works, you know.
Okay.
So, do you want to do another one?
Does chat want to do another one?
I think.
Do they?
Okay, let's go.
They're probably like, no.
Do it.
Listen.
Oh, who says this?
Sorry.
Wow, chat.
Which one is the robotic paedophile?
Oh, I'm the card czar.
Okay.
Listen, son.
If you ever want to get involved with blank, I won't stop you.
Just steer clear of blank.
Okay, this one kind of makes sense.
If you want to get involved with medical porn, steer clear of the Japs.
Okay.
World Peace, steer clear of tweeting.
That's some sage advice.
Kanye West, steer clear of actually getting shot for real.
That guy's never been shot.
Neo-Nazis is steer clear of spix.
That's again fair advice.
But I'm sorry.
Anything with tentacle porn automatically gets the win.
Boom.
The Japanese love tentacle porn.
It's insane.
Blank.
High five, bro.
Yes.
Bestiality.
High five, bro.
Fisting.
High five, bro.
You can't really do it then, can you, though?
If you're in the moment, forgetting the Alamo.
High five.
Child abuse.
High five, bro.
That's got to be the one.
nothing helps you bond more.
He who controls blank controls the world.
This is shit.
Mine's okay.
We'll see.
We'll see how it fares.
I like the first one.
He who controls the bonus of the elderly controls.
It's true.
How do you think wars are made?
So mine is basically what feminists scream on Twitter.
Ha.
All right.
Mine kind of sucked, but we'll see what happens.
Yeah, mine's wank.
Who's the card cigar?
The card czar is skeptic.
I'm a beached whale.
Fuck you, not your shield.
I'm a beach.
I'm a carnies.
Fuck you, Mr. Snuffleup, I guess.
That sounds like something would say on an acid trip.
I'm exactly what you'd expect.
Fuck you, I'm two midgets shitting into a bucket.
Fuck you on point.
That could have been really good if you put something in the back that made sense.
So I'm going to go with.
Yeah!
Damn it!
You're not doing great.
I'm being anonymous.
Y'all bitches don't know it's me.
I'm so blank right now.
I wish the chat wasn't so delayed.
Yeah, the 30 seconds really hurts it because they're taking bets right now.
I see one guy here like, shoe takes the win here.
I'm so tumbler right now.
I'm so triggered right now.
I'm so filling a man's anus with concrete right now.
I'm so Rachel.
No, obviously I'm sorry.
Woo!
I'm so triggered right now.
Okay.
My new favorite porn star is Joey Blank McGee.
Oh my god, I love mine.
See, that's where I should have saved that fillings man's ass with concrete card for.
That would have been good.
Yes.
That would have been good.
See, damn it, me not knowing the future.
And me being the czar this round.
All right, my favorite porn star is Joey Vietnam Flashbacks Ricky.
That one get a teletubby McGee.
Kill all men, McGee.
Incest movie.
Oh, I've got to give it up to the teletubby.
Really?
That was like the latest funny one.
Are you kidding me?
That's fucking like what?
What?
Vietnam flashbacks is funnier?
Yes.
I like the gay teletubby line.
I think it's funny.
A rampaging feminazi approaches.
Throw away two cards.
Oh, man.
This is such a shit card.
This is a good card because you get to throw away your crap ones, but it's not funny for the stream.
Yeah.
Better just stay silent instead.
Yep.
Aw, they're so delayed.
Make someone the remedial or something.
They skip so many classes in school.
Okay.
I'm finding it hard to just wrap my head around what sort of metric I should be judging these on.
Yeah.
That's the entire point of the game, is there's no metric to judge anything on.
Just whatever tickles your brain the best.
You threw away two cards.
My favorite single card out of this has to be a monkey smoking a cigar because it's hilarious that it will get cancer.
Also scrubbing under the folds.
Scrubbing under the folds is something you should do if you need to as well.
So it's a bit of comedy and some good life advice.
Thank you.
So now we know how June spends her afternoons scrubbing under the folds.
Yep.
Fucking men.
People are blank.
Says people are.
Oh man, I've got some amazing ones for this.
It's not fucking fair.
The good ones come up when I'm choosing them.
I really want to know what kind of conversation is having them.
Oh, you're horrible.
I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of blank.
Remember, if someone suspects you of ripping a dog apart, put on some lipstick and a wig, if you are male.
I'm sorry, Professor, but I couldn't complete my homework because of John Wilkes Booth.
Right?
An all-midget production of Shakespeare's Richard III, the Dunning-Kruger effect, brown people.
Wouldn't the Dunning-Kruger effect make it easier to complete your homework, but you'd be overconfident and do it wrong.
Exactly.
He would have submitted it the same day.
But who could resist an all-midget production of Shakespeare III?
Exactly, Sargon.
Exactly.
Lilyo's my trapper.
I went to see it.
It fell short of my expectations.
Oh, boo.
Oh, that was good.
I know it was.
I'm just mad.
During Picasso's often overlooked Brown period, he produced hundreds of paintings of.
Come on, this one's gotta be good.
I'm enjoying it.
Even if no one else does.
This is the one you really need the biggest, blackest dick card for, but I don't think you have it.
I haven't seen it.
Yeah, I've never seen that card.
It's a shame.
I like it.
Well, if anyone has a blank card, now's the time to write it in.
It's black as dick.
Ebony Horsecock.
He produced hundreds of paintings of fetal alcohol syndrome, hundreds of paintings of my humps, hundreds of paintings of the land of chocolate, hundreds of paintings of Batman.
Okay, the chocolate one makes sense, so it's not funny.
Fetal aquasol syndrome is always funny.
That's a quote that's getting taken out of class.
Yeah, I guess that makes sense.
It's going to be a vokaroo of that, of just you going, fetal alcohol syndrome is always funny.
I like how Batman is said, though, like, hundreds of paintings of Batman.
So I might go with that.
Let's just, everybody hope and pray that it's not Matt's.
Fuck.
Where is he?
Where are the other drugs going?
Where is he?
Who wins?
All right, well, that was fun.
Thanks for inviting us, Sargon, to your lame birthday party.
I'm cool enough for it to be my birthday party.
Thanks for coming on, guys.
I really appreciate it.
Is it your birthday?
What?
It's not fun.
That was fun.
Good.
Yeah, no, thanks a lot for coming on, everyone.
I'll put links to the various channels in the description if you guys want to.
I'm actually subscribed to all of them because I have nothing better to do with my life.
Oh, you got us all with that one.
Good, thank you.
You got us.
Do you need the number for a suicide hotline, Sargon?
Yes, I do.
We can probably put you in touch with Randy Harper if you're trying to get over some online abuse.
I've tried.
She's not interested.
She's probably calls.
It's very sad.
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