Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin - Splat!, Narrated
Aired: 2015-03-25
Duration: 04:21


=== Feminist Art Spectacle (03:47) ===

[00:00:00]  Welcome one and all to another feminist art narration.
[00:00:04]  Commissaurs among you may have noticed that this intro does imply deep-seated childhood trauma, which is no surprise given that this is a feminist production.
[00:00:13]  Let's see how they plan to desecrate memories of their youth and act out their daddy issues in front of an audience.
[00:00:22]  As you can imagine, this is indeed the calm before a particularly vile storm.
[00:00:34]  Unsurprisingly, our main performer is on a swing.
[00:00:38]  You'll notice more references to childhood as a princess walks out of shot here and the main performer lulls the audience into a false sense of security.
[00:00:49]  And it's worth noting that this ballet dancing is the closest you will get to an actual artistic performance in this entire spectacle.
[00:01:00]  Yeah, that looks safe.
[00:01:10]  Nothing good ever follows the statement, just do it like you're in the zoo.
[00:01:15]  So prepare yourselves.
[00:01:19]  Yes, this is a naked feminist spasming in a harness before a crowd.
[00:01:23]  Yes, these are her dead eyes.
[00:01:26]  And this is the entire spectacle in all its glory.
[00:01:28]  It probably wasn't necessary to pixelate this part, but if you saw the original, you'd thank me.
[00:01:33]  God only knows what this degeneracy is meant to represent.
[00:01:37]  But they're only just getting started.
[00:01:41]  And here our mental patient pushes a condom out of her vagina.
[00:01:45]  Screams internally indeed.
[00:01:47]  But luckily for us, a half-naked Minotaur on roller skates turns up to restore some sanity.
[00:01:59]  I did say that they were going to defile their childhood memories, and I wasn't joking.
[00:02:08]  And here our feminist performer cocks her leg up like a dog and takes a piss.
[00:02:13]  I think we can all agree that she isn't waving to her parents.
[00:02:16]  I swear that this is not real blood.
[00:02:18]  I actually did check.
[00:02:20]  It is vile though.
[00:02:21]  Finally we get to vomiting, the least disgusting bodily fluid on offer here.
[00:02:29]  Probably not, because as far as I can tell, this is a woman breaking packets of ketchup on something that's protruding from her vagina.
[00:02:37]  Like you, dear viewer, I'm going to choose to believe that that bucket is filled with paint.
[00:02:47]  That seems like a rather spectacular non sequitur.
[00:02:55]  Sure, why not?
[00:02:56]  This is actually the gayest part of the whole thing and I am glad for it.
[00:03:02]  Nobody is excreting anything.
[00:03:11]  Thankfully we can all rest assured that this look of desperation is absolutely genuine.
[00:03:17]  And then our star gets pulled off the stage through the tour.
[00:03:21]  Why wouldn't she?
[00:03:24]  Unbelievably, people have actually put their names on this.
[00:03:30]  A surprising amount of people.

=== Thank Goodness for Education (00:48) ===

[00:03:43]  Supported by the Arts Council of England, Laban Theatre and the Queen Mary University of London.
[00:03:48]  Thank goodness for a university education!
[00:04:18]  JILOSATA LIFES BAY FORKAY.