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Feb. 20, 2015 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
14:53
Don'ts for Husbands and Wives (1913)
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Literally, just maybe a hundred or so years ago.
100 and such a few years ago, that women were still viewed as chattel!
Oh Matt Binder, that sentence is going to come back to haunt you.
Especially because I picked up a couple of books recently.
They're only small books, written by a lady called Blanche Ibberts.
And they were released in 1913.
100 years ago or so.
They're really cute.
They're called Don'ts for Wives and Don'ts for Husbands.
And I thought, well, I'll grant those, because that is surely going to give us quite a good impression of the societal attitude towards men and women around 100 years ago.
They're literally advice for people to follow to have a successful and happy marriage.
And I've read them, and they're very cute.
It's very quaint, very old-fashioned, and yes, a lot of it is quite out of date now.
Each entry takes the form of a short paragraph, two or three sentences long that begins with the word don't.
There is very definitely something timeless and charming about these books.
For example, don't be surprised if you have married for money or position or fame that you only get money, position or fame.
Love cannot be bought.
Blanche was definitely writing for a well-to-do audience.
Many of the passages refer to servants, and I mean take this one for example.
Don't take a bigger house than you need just for show.
You will find it will need more servants, more furniture, more everything, and you'll have to scrape to keep up appearances, instead of being comfortable on a less expensive plane.
And don't domineer over the servants.
Unwilling service is never good, and a kind word or a pleasant smile will do wonders in saving your wife from being harassed.
Again, it's just, it's so quaint.
But yeah, it's definitely aimed towards sort of upper middle class and possibly higher status people in society.
Definitely not for those of the serving class.
The most striking thing about this is the wife's one is certainly aimed at ladies of leisure whose entire profession is to manage the household.
And the very interesting thing about this is that the household it's an economic unit with employees of its own and so it really requires management.
And one thing that's never put down is the amount of work and effort required in managing a household.
For example in the don'ts for wives you've got don't allow outsiders to interfere in your household management.
Even mothers should lie low.
But don't refuse to listen to good advice from people of experience and act upon it if you can.
And from don'ts for husbands don't interfere with your wife's household management.
Nothing upsets servants more than interference in matters of detail from the master of the house.
And don't run away with the idea that there is nothing to do in a house and that your wife should therefore never be busy or tired.
You work for a few hours at the office and come right away from it until the next day, but a woman's work is never done until bedtime and then she lies awake and thinks of something that she has left undone.
It is quaint and outdated, but you can see how much importance is placed on the management of the household.
And the term the master of the house is almost a misnomer because the husband has virtually no say in the running of the house according to this advice.
In fact, Blanche tends to treat the husbands as if they know that they are an inconvenience when it comes to running a house and they know their place.
They absolutely know that this is not the place for them.
They are not the ones making the decisions in the home.
And not only does she know it, but they know it as well.
So returning to Matt Binder's, Women were still viewed as chattel!
There are definitely a few bits of advice that deal with the way husbands and wives interacted.
From the book for husbands.
Don't keep up the poor little woman pose too long.
A woman may like to be a plaything for a little while, but the novelty soon wears off.
Don't condescend.
You are not the only person in the house with brains.
Don't be surprised or annoyed or disappointed to find after treating your wife for years as a feather brain that you have made her one and that she fails to rise to the occasion when you need her help.
Don't keep her in cotton wool.
She isn't wax, she is a woman.
Don't try and take all the work and worry off her shoulders.
You can't attend to her business and your own too.
Don't belittle your wife before visitors.
You may think it a joke to speak of her little foibles, but she will not easily forgive you.
Don't talk down to your wife.
She has as much intelligence as your colleague at the office.
She lacks only opportunity.
Talk to her of anything you would talk of to a man, and you will be surprised to find how she expands.
Don't keep your wife outside of your business interests.
It's foolish to say that she knows nothing about business, and therefore that you can't interest her.
You'll often find too that her fresh mind will see a way out of some little difficulty that had not occurred to you.
Don't try to regulate every detail of your wife's life.
Even a wife is an individual and must be allowed some scope.
Don't expect your wife to hold the same views as yours on every conceivable question.
Some men like an echo, it is true, but it becomes very wearisome in time.
Don't hesitate to talk politics with your wife.
Many men are satisfied to believe that women don't understand politics.
Why don't they?
Because they never have a chance to crystallise their beliefs by thrashing out questions of public interest and argument with men who have studied them.
Encourage your wife to read and talk of political matters.
Never mind if she sees things quite differently from you, let her form her own views and express them.
Blanche seems to have really been on the ball here when she says effectively, listen, if you're going to treat her like a child, then she'll act like a child.
Don't think that she's of lesser capability or capacity than you, just because she's a woman.
Don't get me wrong, because she was giving this advice, there must have been some men who were, well, presumably acting this way.
Although, saying that, I mean, in a hundred years' time, if people look at don't tell women not to get raped, tell men not to rape, we might be under the impression that there are plenty of men out there who don't know that rape is wrong.
So, hmm.
But Blanche clearly has confidence in the women of her time, and it seems to be merely by social convention.
That honestly, it seems like the path of least resistance for women to say, you know what, I'm just going to be a housewife and nothing more.
There doesn't seem to be anything stopping women from doing anything more.
The way that she approaches it just appears to be women kind of fall into lazy habits by being a housewife.
I'll read a few passages from the Don'ts for Wives that I think backs this up.
Don't let your husband feel that you are a dear little woman, but no good intellectually.
If you find yourself getting stale, wake up your brain.
There can be nothing that your husband can talk about that you will be unable to understand.
Don't profess to care nothing about politics.
Any man who is worth his salt does care, and many men learn to despise women as a whole because their wives take such an unintelligent attitude.
Don't be talked down to by your husband.
When you want to express your views on any subject, you have a right to be heard.
Don't vegetate as you grow older, if you happen to live in the country.
Some women are like cows, and there really is no need to stagnate.
Keep both brain and body on the move.
Don't consent to be treated as a child who cannot be expected to take any responsibility.
Insist on hearing bad news as well as good.
You did not marry your husband to be wrapped in cotton wool and put away in a glass case.
You married him to be the partner of his joys and sorrows.
Don't pose as a helpless creature who can do nothing for herself.
Don't drag your husband away from his office to see you across the street.
Don't profess to be unable to understand Bradshaw or to take a journey alone.
It is true that the weak clinging wife is often a favourite, but she is equally often a nuisance.
As you can see, Blanche is a very, very British woman.
She is extremely no-nonsense with her advice, and she completely understands that there is a certain kind of woman in her era, and frankly still now, who will just take the path of least resistance and do the minimum amount of work.
And unsurprisingly, the results that yields are not favourable ones, and in her mind, she's seen men look at women in this way and thought, that can be changed.
This is the advice on how to change that.
The thing I find most interesting is that the only thing really holding women back in this way are their attitudes.
There appears to be absolutely nothing legally holding women back from living their lives however they like.
One of my favourite passages from the Don'ts for Wives is, don't interpret too literally the obey of the marriage service.
Your husband has no rights to control your individuality.
Ultimately, that's really not the sort of advice you would expect an old lady to give to a young lady if that young lady were the property of her husband.
And from the don'ts for husbands, don't try to regulate every detail of your wife's life.
Even a wife is an individual and must be allowed some scope.
And don't try to be a sultan.
This is the West, and you can't shut your wife away from other men.
Don't insult her by trying to.
Now I'm not trying to say that there weren't men who did this, because otherwise she wouldn't have felt the need to write these things down.
But this was bad form.
It would have been looked upon as just inappropriate.
There's actually plenty of advice dealing with the wife's income.
From the don'ts for husbands, don't think that you married merely to get an unpaid housekeeper, and that position is going to satisfy your wife.
She could have obtained a good salary as a professional housekeeper to any other man if she had wanted to.
She married for other reasons.
Don't persuade your wife to hand over to you for investment any money that she may have of her own.
Your intentions are the best in the world, but she will not find it difficult to hold you responsible if the investments prove to be unsatisfactory.
Keep clear of her private income.
Don't get her to put her private money into your bank.
Let her keep a separate bank account, and then she will know just where she is, and she will be able to do as she likes with her own.
Don't be ungracious when your wife lavishes her private money on you.
It takes a strong man to receive favours readily.
If you really care for your wife, you will let her do things for you occasionally and accept her offerings graciously.
And from the Don'ts for Wives, don't forget that you have a right to some money to spend as you like.
You earn it as a wife and a mother and a housekeeper.
Very likely you will spend it on the house or the children when you get it, but that doesn't matter.
It's yours to spend as you like.
Don't grudge the trouble of keeping accounts.
It's worthwhile knowing what becomes of your money.
And don't get into debt if you can possibly help it.
You don't want to carry around a load on your own mind, nor to worry your husband with it.
From these passages we can see that women can be independent economic actors, and the choice to become a wife seems to have been a choice.
It doesn't seem to have been something that couldn't have been avoided.
But like with all things, the gender roles that are presented in the advice from these books are ones of necessity.
Someone has to manage a house.
Someone has to keep the house running.
Someone has to have a career and earn money to sustain the house financially.
What I'm saying really is that none of it appears to have been done through any kind of malice.
No one seems to have wanted to oppress women and women seem to have been completely free to operate as they choose.
One of the most interesting reoccurring things that I've noticed from the advice for wives is don't allow your husband to do X.
The wife allows the husband to get away with it, and Blanche is simply saying, if you don't let him do it, he won't do it.
There's also advice that deals with the concept of respect.
For example, don't drop when alone with your wife the little courtesies that you would offer to other women.
For instance, always get up to open the door for her, as you would for a lady guest.
Don't fail to treat your wife with due respect.
Let there be nothing of the high and mighty suggestion that a mere woman can't possibly understand things.
There are even realms in which you can look up to her as owning superior knowledge, and there are none in which she is to be despised.
Don't flatter your wife.
Unless she is very vain, she is sure to see through you, and she will be more hurt than pleased.
Don't be jealous of your wife's girlfriends.
If she wants to spend the day with them now and then, spare her with a good grace.
Don't let her feel that you're a selfish tyrant.
Don't be nervous about your wife.
She can take care of herself much better than you imagine, and she hates you to be fussy.
I rather enjoy this one.
Don't put your foot down if your wife wants to join some society of which you don't approve.
Produce your arguments, then, if she fails to find them convincing, let her be an iss or an ante to her heart's content.
She really has as much right to her opinions as you have, and there is no cause for quarrel.
And from the don'ts for wives, there are a few really great ones that women really should pay attention to.
Don't say I told you so to your husband, however much you may feel tempted to.
It does no good and he will be grateful to you for not saying it.
Don't expect all the give to be on his side and all the take to be on yours.
Don't manage your husband too visibly.
Of course he may require the most careful management, but you don't want your friends to think of him as a hen-pecked husband.
Above all, never let him think that you manage him.
Don't attempt to dictate to your husband on any subject.
He won't stand it and there will be trouble.
But don't let him dictate to you.
Always respond to reasonable persuasion, but let him see that, although you are willing to be led, you are not willing to be driven.
I could go on reading this, but I won't.
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