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Oct. 29, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
01:08:12
Let's Play： Rome： Total War 2 PvP - The Revengening
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Time Text
Yep, that's right.
I'm back and I'm gonna get my fucking revenge.
This is it.
Fucking Epirus versus Carthage, isn't it, mate?
Um Yep, yep, yep.
I'm gonna play as Carthage.
Yep, and we all know what happened to Carthage.
They lost, so I need to make that happen again.
I'll see about that.
Yeah, we will.
We absolutely will.
It's alright, it's new practice.
That's all.
I haven't done any practice, so I might be in some trouble.
Let's see.
I probably want some of those.
Oh, what am I thinking?
Holy shit, I didn't even notice that.
I'll guarantee you're going to have a larger armory than me.
Well, that is probably presumptuous.
Okay.
I'm probably going to have a more incompetent army than yours.
So, yeah, oh, yeah, whenever you're ready.
Oh, sorry, I'm just trying to.
No, no, not at all.
Not at all.
Balance this out a little bit.
This should be good.
Oh, we're going to fight the pyramids again.
Oh, sorry, yeah, I forgot.
Yeah, we'll change that.
Let's mix it up a bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll go.
Statue of Zeus Olympia.
No, that's not in Carthage.
I think we did that one as well.
I need one in Athens.
Oh, Carfago.
There we go.
Is that actually in Carthage?
No, it's not.
It's just near Carthage.
No, no, it's just like outside, I think.
Okay, here we go.
Let's fulfill Pyrrhus' dream of invading Africa.
Alrighty.
Let's see how this works.
Let's see how this goes for him.
Carthage, what are you going to have?
You're going to have, you're going to have phallaxes.
You're going to have a lot of cavalry.
And there's going to be elephants everywhere.
Yeah, and there's going to be elephants.
Shit.
Fuck.
I didn't think, I don't know why that, I don't know why elephants weren't the first thing that sprang to mind when I thought when I when you mentioned Carthage but for some reason they weren't.
And now I'm fucked.
Well, you might be, because, well, let's see.
Well, let's see.
It looks like it.
It looks like it's going to be some pretty flat terrain this time.
I don't know if that's a good thing.
I'm actually kind of thinking maybe not to my detriment.
I wish I'd taken some javelin mud or something.
Shit.
Well, you could just do what I did last time and chose some of those, what was it?
Thorax, Spearman.
They were glorified fucking javelinmen.
Yeah, they're good.
They're damn good.
Oh, your computer sucks, man.
It does.
Damn it.
Well, if anybody wants to buy me a new computer, I'm up for that.
Yeah, everyone buy him a new computer.
I tell you what, if you want, I can insult you and then you can start a Patreon.
Okay.
I shouldn't make Patreon jokes because I fucking got one, but I don't.
You know, I don't do what they do, for fuck's sake.
And if I do ever seem to start be doing what they're doing, fucking call me on it.
You know what I mean?
Jesus.
I will make a personal note of that.
Please.
Honestly, I can't imagine turning off your comments.
What kind of maniacs turn off the comments in their videos?
Don't you want to know if people have a counter opinion or some facts that you may not be aware of or something like that?
I mean, I can't imagine not wanting feedback from people.
Well, why would you need that if you already know everything?
Oh, well, yeah, I wasn't listening and believing.
That was my problem.
That was my problem.
I'm such an idiot.
You have too little faith.
Oh, come on, man.
What's with your computer?
I don't know.
Leave it alone.
Your computer.
But this is a giant, almost flat landscape.
It's almost featureless just for a few bushes.
I mean, I can't load all this.
I grew this potato myself and then named it a computer.
It has.
I mean, yeah.
Oh, man.
Jesus Christ, man.
Oh, man.
It's probably all those elephants.
Too many polys.
Ah, shit.
I tell you, the elephants in Rome, they're always way bigger than elephants actually are.
Oh, yeah.
Well, the big ones were.
Like, the really armored ones, they were fucking huge.
They were like elephant.
Oh, no, no, they were like the fucking elephants from fucking Lord of the Rings.
That's what I was about to say.
They are ridiculous.
They're fucking like the olifants or whatever they call them.
Yeah, yeah, all the fans.
Yeah, just, sorry, elephants are not that fucking big.
You know, I mean, they're big, but.
And then this time, they fucked up again, and they made African elephants have a fucking carriage on their back.
I'd say.
Yes, they did.
Fucking amateurs.
I know.
Jesus.
Is your computer actually still loading it?
Or has it just been like, you know, I can't even.
No, I think it gave up on us.
I think it's just kind of gone its own way.
Seriously?
Honestly, I'm surprised if Skype calls still going.
Be quite frank.
This is going to be such an exciting video.
Okay, well, should we re-host it then?
We might have to.
Yeah.
I mean, does it say it's loading and it's just taking forever?
I mean, like, the bar doesn't seem to be moving.
It's, like, I would say 90% of the, you know, 90% of the way there.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
It's the worst kind of thing.
I know.
Well, that's always where it stops at, like, 90% or 100%, and it just doesn't work.
That's how every device ever has worked.
Every piece of software.
Okay.
Like, if it's going to stop somewhere, it's going to stop right about when it's finished.
Oh, it moved.
That's a good sign.
Now we're at 91%.
Well, you've got 49 seconds, so.
Jesus Christ.
This is my problem with technology.
Nothing just fucking works.
I know.
Damn it, Asian people.
You need to get on your technology and start improving shit.
China, I am not impressed.
What are you doing?
You made this.
Yeah.
The onus is on all you Asian people to fix this shit.
Yeah.
We just fucking invented it.
We didn't, you know, we don't have to upgrade it or anything.
It's your jobs.
And then the Japanese are going to pass it on to robots and then the robots are going to take over the world.
Yeah.
So.
I'm not looking forward to the singularity because they're going to be like, I've assessed you and found that you are fat, useless, and pretty ugly.
And I'll be like, well, that is an accurate assessment.
What do you want?
And they'll be like, well, actually, we just want to annihilate you now.
And I'll be like, well, okay, that is a logical step because I am fat, useless, and ugly and wasting precious resources.
And they'll be like, exactly.
I'm glad you understand.
And I'm like, uh, yeah, I do, unfortunately.
It was, do you mind if I just say goodbye to my mother?
It's like, well, no need.
Now we already told you you were dead.
Yeah, you know, everything has been taken care of.
We did, we did it for you.
Yeah, exactly.
So, yeah, I'm not looking forward to the singularity.
going to get judged harshly.
You fail at being a robot, but you also fail at being a human.
Okay.
Oh, failure sucks.
These pikemen seem to have really short, fucking.
Oh, they're just.
Hoplites, right?
I mean, that's fine.
No, no, I was looking at the wrong ones.
Okay, I was going to say.
Oh, that was.
I'm looking at my pikemen.
They don't have any pikes out at all.
I was going to say my pikemen actually failed to bring their pikes but they've got their falcatas or copuses whatever kind of sort that is And it's like, okay, well done.
At least you have a weapon.
You know, I mean, good job, guys.
I mean, they've all got their armor and shields, and they look lovely, and they kind of look bored, which is great.
Okay.
That's how I want my soldiers.
But how do I get them to...
Oh, no, no, no.
Right.
Pikes?
Pikes.
Pikes.
Anyone brought their pike?
Honestly.
Okay, right, okay, fine.
just assume that they're gonna find pikes in their arses at some point or something like that At least my hoplites have got spears.
Maybe I should have just gone for hoplites.
Oh, hoplitase, yeah, yeah.
I know that's the actual way of saying it, but I'm not saying it like that.
That's how Greeks say it, damn it.
Yeah.
I'm almost there.
30 seconds to go.
Yeah, this is even more embarrassing that someone with the worst computer on earth still whips my ass.
Yeah, you should be able to game that shit, man.
What's wrong with you?
Exactly.
I should just be like, you know, lag effectively.
This guy's fucked.
What's he going to do?
But no.
No, I can't do that.
Let's see.
What did you bring?
Why are you always on the high ground?
God damn.
It never does me any good, does it?
I mean.
Well, that's true.
I don't think high ground has mattered since fucking medieval 2.
That's a shame, man.
Yeah, it is.
That shit should be fucking paramount.
Okay, where are your elephants?
I may have lied.
Oh, your guys brought their pikes.
Oh, it's fucking like that.
That's probably why my Spartans lost.
You know, they were like, well, you know, we didn't think we'd need them.
I mean.
You mean 300 dead up like the movie?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're just going to beat you to death with their bronze dabs.
Probably the most effective armor against arrows, bronze dabs.
I forget about my general.
No, I didn't.
Good.
Did I even buy a general?
You think you have to have a general.
It's not like previous Total Wars, so.
Yeah, have some rocks.
Yeah, courtesy of the Greeks.
Thank you.
Can I have some more?
No, we've run out.
I forgot to bring some.
Notice how I don't bother with any of these archers.
Yes, I do.
That's why I had 500 left and I couldn't really get another squad of soldiers.
So I said, fuck it, I'll just get some slingers and just piss you off.
So you said they're getting notifications that our men are under attack.
Or something like that.
You know, it's like, yes, yes.
They're being very tangentially attacked in a very sort of passive way.
Standing back and chucking things, hopefully, you know.
I know.
I'm not expecting a great deal of impact from my slingers.
Oh, quick, run away, guys.
Run away.
I don't get hurt.
God forbid.
What am I doing?
Jesus Christ.
I forgot I had cavalry.
Oh, you have cavalry.
Leave my slingers alone
Yeah, the question is: how good is my shot cavalry?
Um.
Hopefully, not good for much.
Oh, shut up.
Okay, well, that's what happens when I don't pay attention to my cavalry.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Slingers, could you throw something, please?
They're like charging into Mali or something.
They are throwing something.
Insults.
Harsh language, yeah.
Uh, shaming language.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fucking sacred band, honestly.
You think they have faith?
Um, I think they did have some sort of faith.
Shit, man.
The sacred band's pretty tough.
I won't lie.
They're pretty fucking.
They can take it.
How is your cavalry not taking any casualties?
Well, I mean, they are.
Oh, no, no, you've got two.
Right, you've got two.
That's fine.
I didn't see that you had two.
I gotta quit forgetting to move my cavalry.
It is not useful to me at all.
Keep doing that.
Yeah, me too.
You know what?
God damn it.
It's hard trying to be pro.
Yeah, I've got to try and look like I know what I'm doing because I look like a fucking dick in my last video.
I'm glad I helped.
I swear to God everyone, I have genuinely played a game before.
Well, there goes my cavalry.
I hope so.
Probably.
I mean, I can't imagine they're going to outrun this.
I really hope they won't.
Yeah, that's more like it.
See, if you'd brought those elephants...
It probably would have helped.
Especially against that cavalry.
I think so.
Unless they had Draco, because, you know, magic.
Those javelin ears, fucking...
Oh, you're in the back of my phalanx, are you?
I didn't see that.
Jesus.
Your cavalry can take it, I won't lie.
They're not fucking weak.
Well, I gotta use them for something, so I might as well run them into your back end.
Oh, yeah, of course, my Hellenic Royal Guard are routing.
Fucking hell.
All I wanted them to do is just stand there and look like a fucking phalanx.
That's all I wanted.
Was it really so much to ask for?
maybe jesus is what am i doing wrong I feel like I'm in demolition man.
let's see uh what a surprise What a fucking surprise.
Yes, it is shameful.
Why do my guys just die?
I just say stand there and fight, and they're just like, no, you know what?
I think I might put my weapon down.
Or something.
Well, you gotta quit choosing pussies, man.
That's your problem.
I'm paid for.
These leaders are 1,200 each!
I mean, I've just charged your fucking infantry from like three sides.
And they're just like, you know what?
Doesn't even bother us.
You killed two dudes.
What's your point?
What's your point?
Two men.
And it's just like, right, this is like the heavy fucking cavalry.
They're meant to be shock- shock cavalry.
They're meant to be good at actually fucking shocking people.
The only thing that's shocking about my cavalry is how weak they are.
That is pretty shocking.
How much do you pay for them?
They weren't actually that expensive, to be fair.
Okay, that's why.
shit.
I was, um, shit, I forgot about these guys.
Um, um, Are our men even fighting?
I don't think they are.
I think they've always been like, you know what, let's just throw a war and not turn up.
I swear, my slingers only start actually throwing stuff when I zoom in on them.
They'd say, oh, shit, he's looking, he's looking, quick.
Look busy.
I don't want to get in trouble.
Right.
Right.
If this was an actual battle, right?
I don't give a fuck how sacred your band is, right?
When fucking 300-odd-250 cavalry hit your unit in the back and go through it, that unit routes.
That unit's like, you know what?
Fuck it.
Even if we're winning the battle, we are right here right now losing.
So we have to go.
You know?
Jesus Christ!
Your guys just like, you know what?
Fuck it.
Just stand here, I think.
Just stand there.
You need to pay him more.
Yeah, clearly.
The secret of Carthage, what did you do?
pale and stand there and then they're like shit we are obliged to just die where we stood fucking okay i've decided that the phalanxes the pike phalanxes are shit I've decided I hate this game.
I don't think you're the only one that made that decision.
Have you played...
Have you got Rome 1?
I do actually have Rome 1.
We may well have to swap to that, because seriously, I suck at this game.
Let's see.
What's going on?
I don't even know what's going on in that centre.
What's my general doing in there?
He's died.
Did he?
Your general's dead and your men still aren't routing.
He died a good death.
Fuck me.
This is embarrassing for the Epirots.
I'm sorry.
I know, especially considering that our men just turned into a fucking mob.
I mean, isn't that what that center is?
Yeah, well, I don't know.
I think, you know, it's fine.
I'm alright with the center, to be honest.
It's fine.
I don't mind them kind of, you know, it's still roughly two lines.
But, I mean, look, look, some of my cavalry are just like, you know, I'm just going to regroup on the other side of the battlefield, where I was told not to go.
Jesus, where are you f?
No, it's fine.
It's fine.
Let them do what they want.
No point claiming I'm in control of this, because if I do, that means I'm responsible for losing.
Yeah, you wouldn't want that.
Oh yeah, Libyan infantry, famous for being able to take a cavalry charge in the rear without flinching, just...
I know, right?
It's a good thing they wrote that in those history books.
Oh, you've lost five men.
You lost five out of 70 men.
No, that's good.
That's good.
That's exactly what happens when a heavy cavalry unit charges an infantry unit in the back.
Five people die and the infantry are like, oh, there's someone behind us.
Fucking what?
I'll tell you what, one of the things I always annoyed me about Rome, always known about the routing, is that when they route, that's pretty much it.
They generally route until they get off the field.
And that really pisses me off because routing should be individual.
It should be generally a bit more sort of, you route, but you don't route for very far unless you're being pursued.
You know?
So if you're on the lines and you route, the enemy probably isn't going to chase after you.
They're probably going to hold their line.
And then you reform a few hundred meters away or something like that.
And stuff, because that's what the captains would do, you know?
Right, well, it seems like they kind of did that in Shogun, and I think it's a little bit better in this one.
I haven't actually played Shogun.
I do need to.
I've heard good things.
But jeez.
Yeah, a lot of people like Shogun.
Okay, I thought I had heavy infantry, but apparently I didn't.
Apparently I had shield maidens.
Well, that's good.
Yeah, I'm very...
This is the problem with progressivism.
I'm very inclusive, but it's only so useful.
Those are some ugly shield maidens, by the way.
I would not date any of them.
Listen, don't judge.
Okay, no, that's fine.
We got some.
That's got the best double goal.
I can still win this.
Well, it's off to a good start.
I wasn't too lopsided.
I mean, you took some casualties.
Let's see.
Yeah, that's true.
And you did have more men than me.
Looks like I had a periodic victory.
Yes.
Oh, shit, I need to press continue, sorry.
Oh, no, that's no problem.
Okay, I'm not happy about that.
Let's see.
Does the general skill type make a huge amount of difference?
Well, I mean, like, yeah, they've got Strategist, Warrior, and Commander.
And I think, okay, so I think, like, the Commander is supposed to be, like, just keeping his men in line.
So what you're saying I need to be the commander and not the warrior, then.
Yeah.
Yeah, basically.
Is what you're saying.
Yeah, the warrior doesn't do anything, basically, except stop other people from using their abilities, which I suppose that's useful if we micromanage, but I don't think either one of us is really doing much of that.
No, I'm too shit to micromanage.
Yeah, me too.
Micromanaging shouldn't even be in a total war game, to be honest.
No.
At least not severe amounts of micromanagement.
Yeah, I really don't want to micromanage shit.
I want my guys to kind of act like people.
I mean, maybe like a rally.
That's fine.
I don't have any problems with rallying.
Yeah, rally's fine.
That's fine.
Who are you being, by the way?
What faction's that?
I'm going to try Armenia, because why the hell not?
I'm going to be, I think, the Gatia with German, if I recall correctly.
Gatia?
Yeah, they're probably Celtic, actually.
They're sort of Central European Celts or something.
Yeah, that wouldn't surprise me.
Yeah.
We'll see.
We'll see how they are.
And in the comments, you've got something like, they were completely different.
Yeah, I should have looked at it.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Unsubscribed.
No, no, no, they were, they were, yeah, they were sort of South Central European.
I'm sure they were.
And they were just a pretty aggressive tribe.
They probably had Celtic and Germanic influences or something.
I can't remember off the top of my head.
They weren't really that important in history.
I don't need that many of that.
I don't like the way it arranges your army for you.
Yeah, these guys look awful.
Uh, hmm.
Alright.
I'm just about there.
Let's see.
Okay, we're probably not fighting in Carthage this time, are we?
I'm I think the gator probably in this sort of area so Okay, this should be a fun matchup, I think.
I've got a little bit of everything this time.
Okay.
I've got a horrendous army.
Did you get any Falks, Falks, Falksmen, whatever they're called?
Well, they only cost 320.
So, yes, but that was literally the last unit I bought because I ran out of money.
they're evidently shit oh I have sorry no no go on Oh, I haven't had any luck with them.
No, I had a bit of luck with them in Rome 1.
I quite liked using the Thracians in Rome 1.
I can't even remember the Thracians in Rome 1 for some reason.
They were pretty good.
They had a good mix of Hellenic units and then barbarian units.
So you'd have the Pike Phalanxes, and then you'd have your Falcon that you could just, you know, sit behind the Phalanxes and then when everything was engaged, just get in there with them.
But obviously, they're only good on attack.
I severely doubt that they had entire units of Falk's users.
Oh, yeah, I know.
I always kind of think it'd be a bit mixed.
Yeah, it's the sort of thing that they probably operated a lot like the Saxon Haskals, where they'd be part, you know, behind the shield wall, mixed into the unit, and then, you know, if someone was breaking through, or they'd go out and attack a horse or something, and then go back in, you know.
But obviously, I understand that they can't really simulate that properly, so.
Well, I mean, I don't see why not.
Maybe, like, if they had mixed units, like, you know, say, like, a warpan and it has, like, spears, and you know, what they could do is, like, you know, this one has a lot of spears and, like, falksmen in it, so maybe it can add a little bit to its charge to simulate it.
Maybe that's a good idea.
And then, yeah.
You know, and like add a little bit to its, you know, like, you know, bracing capabilities.
I'm like, my voice is just broke there.
It's alright.
That's alright.
We all reach manhood eventually.
One of these days.
But no, I think you're right.
I think it's, I think they could do it in a sort of more nebulous way.
You know, like, just more representative, maybe.
I'm thinking in sort of a sort of Warhammer 40k sort of way, where you have a captain to the unit and you could give the captain a little bit of war gear.
Something like that.
You know, we just gave the unit like a Falksman sort of thing.
So you'd have a few Falksman sprinkled amongst the unit and it's just give it a plus one or two attack or something, you know.
Yeah, I think they would.
I think, yeah, I think they definitely could kind of mix it up a bit if they wanted to.
Yeah.
So.
Yeah, they should.
Even if it's just representative, I don't really care.
You know, I don't.
It fucks me off how much in the trailers for this and stuff.
They were going about, oh, look at how close to your units you can get.
And look at how wonderful they look.
And the animations are so choreographed.
It's just like, I don't give a fuck.
I guess it's nice, but I wouldn't have, you know, I wouldn't have sold my game like that.
Yeah, it's really not the selling point.
I would have just had it so, yeah, so here are you guys.
Yeah, they look alright, don't they?
And if people are interested in that, let them personally discover that and shit like that.
I was.
Creative Assembly, they've changed, man.
You've changed Creative Assembly, and not for the better.
They've become too Hollywood as a problem, I think.
Yeah, you fucking sellouts.
Didn't you press start?
Oh, yeah.
I'm trying to get some things grouped up.
I was just about there.
Okay, okay.
I'm there.
You were faffing.
I get it.
I get it.
I know.
I need it.
I've got a problem.
I just don't know who to talk to.
Oh, you went horse archers too.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Oh, hold on.
Who did you?
What's going on?
Your horse archers look decidedly better than mine.
They are undoubtedly going to be decidedly better.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Hmm.
That's good to know.
Yep.
Hell, your horse archers look better than my regular cavalry.
What?
Oh, let's have a look here.
I want to have a look.
Let's see.
Who are you?
I'm Armenia.
Shit.
Oh, this looks like fun.
Toggle mount.
Yeah, don't do that.
Yeah, I get what it does.
And good, yeah.
Please, please remain mounted, everyone.
I'd appreciate that.
I like these formations.
I never use them.
Probably should.
Should I?
Armoured Horse Artists I had no idea that Armenia had armored horse archers.
Well, they do in Rome, too.
I'm not saying they didn't.
I mean, they certainly did.
I'm sure they wouldn't have put them in if they didn't have them.
Right.
I just had no idea.
Well, let's be honest now.
They might put it in even if they didn't have him.
This is, yeah.
That's true.
That's true.
Actually, no, never mind.
I was going to say something, but I don't know what I think about it.
No, let's fucking go balls to the wall.
Let's do this.
I don't even care.
I don't like horse archers.
Oh, they probably don't like you either.
Yeah, yeah, you better fucking run.
Alright, alright, calm down.
I did send him into the attack.
I'm assuming he's not made of paper or something.
Well, you're super wrong.
Persian hoplites, eh?
That seems geographically correct.
No, no, no, it's fine, it's fine.
They had hoplite units after Alexander.
I swear to God, my horse arch is better fucking skirmish.
They're doing a good job so far.
Getting ran into and everything.
What?
Oh!
Oh, fuck me!
Come on, horse archers!
Is it really so difficult to create a script that just says, oh, they're getting a bit close, retreat?
You need to not let them drink before battle.
I've got a strict fucking sobriety rule and policy in my army.
I don't let them drink.
I told them.
Well, you need officers, man.
Look, I'm an anarchist.
That's too hierarchical.
I can't be having that.
Yeah, I've decided Falksmen are worthless.
What's going on?
I'm...
I'm pretty sure you decided correctly.
I've got these elite swordsmen, so you'd think that sending them into a nice thick battle would be good.
You know, it'd do some damage.
It'd fuck them up a bit or something.
You'd hope so.
I would have thought.
I have had four units of my cavalry in the back of one of your cataphract units for fucking ages, and it's still got more than half the men left.
All my guys have done have swarmed the rear of your unit.
Your guys should all be fucking dead.
Well, they are getting there.
But just the second you fucking hit someone in the back, you know, okay, not the second, but you know, within, it does not take long to route a unit of men when you hit them in the back with almost anything, you know?
There are so few examples of people surviving a rear attack.
You know, if you read any of the fucking ancient authors, one of the things they say is like, what's the good?
It's like even the bravest are surprised by sudden terrors, you know, and they always go on about how dangerous being attacked in the back is.
And so you think that attacking someone in the back would be dangerous.
You know, in a game.
I mean, I would personally programmed it that way.
It's just one of those things.
You get just a giant morale penalty if your unit gets hit in the rear.
It just would make sense.
He certainly hoped they would do that, but...
You know, I hate to say it stands to reason, but it stands to fucking reason.
I hate to say it stands to reason, but it stands to fucking reason.
Okay, now you see how my horse archers run away?
Yes, I'm a bit annoyed about it.
I'm assuming that you've got some sort of cheat.
Uh, I do.
I call it micromanagement.
Fuck, man, I suck at this game.
Alright, next time we're doing our own one, my game.
Well, it's not like I do much better.
Well, you do, because you beat me.
Oh, there goes my general.
He already went, man.
He's been dead for a while.
I meant the whole unit.
You need to get better runners on the field.
They're not relaying information as well as they could be.
They're not.
I can't believe that the cheapest and shittest of my units, my infantry, are the ones who survive this.
I mean, fuck me, this is pissing me off.
I don't understand this game.
That's the thing that's pissing me off about it.
I just don't understand how this is all working.
I mean, what do you do instead of charge a unit in the back?
What is better than that in this game?
Elephants?
Seriously though, this is pissing me off, that's...
Alright, no, just...
Okay, I won't try rear attacks.
I won't.
I mean, this game fucks me off.
Creative Assembly, get your shit together.
You know, if you want to simulate an actual ancient battle, why don't you simulate an actual ancient fucking battle?
God, this is going to be embarrassing to put up.
Oh, man.
Well, I think if they... Maybe if they like...
I don't know.
I think a lot of it starts with just letting your units survive longer than five minutes.
And I swear to God, it is five minutes.
I've had battles last five or six minutes.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
I've had that as well.
But the thing is, I mean, I thought, right, okay, heavy swordsmen, I will charge them in against your hoplites.
And, I mean, your hoplites aren't even in a phalanx.
So, my swordsmen should be tearing you apart.
You know, they should just be able to get in amongst your men and stabby-stabby and slash.
But no, apparently not.
And these are the best swordsmen that I have.
I couldn't buy anyone better than these guys.
Which is probably why they're still alive, even though they're surrounded and getting cut up.
Okay, no, okay, I'm just gonna put this one down to the gate, not my terrible tactics.
I'm gonna blame that.
Okay, no, just like the Spartans.
One from the guys chosen for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No.
This one.
Only when I have even failed with the Romans will I accept that I suck at this game.
Fucking what?
Oh, I didn't even know I had a unit over there.
Holy shit.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You've got so many fucking men, you don't even know.
You don't even need them.
Well, that was like that one playthrough.
I mean, that one game we did, I totally forgot about the elephants.
Like, constantly.
I'd remember them and move them a little bit and forget about them.
I concede, I just...
Jesus Christ.
Yeah.
Do I want to save that replay?
Probably not.
No, I don't think there's anything to learn from that.
Well, the thing is, right, I've got Falcon, I've got Swordsmen, I've got lots of fucking cavalry, so I'm thinking alright, I'll be aggressive.
Didn't help.
Well, I had more cavalry.
You didn't, though.
I didn't?
Because, okay, let's see.
I have, let's see.
One or two.
You have more crappy spear people, but that shouldn't have been a problem for my elite fucking swordsman.
I had two cataphracts, two noble horse archers, and three armored horse archers.
Damn, those armored horse archers were decent.
Yeah, they were.
They're pretty good.
Yeah, just genuinely impressed.
Okay, um.
Who do I normally play?
Who do I normally play?
I normally play as Athens, but I'm scared to be Athens now.
Jesus, I suck with all of these.
No, right, okay, no, I can do this.
Come on, men of Athens.
There isn't much time for talk, but to the brave, a few words are as good as many.
Or something like that.
Right.
Okay, I need to be more calm.
Let's see.
What do I have available?
I want to win at least one of these battles.
Why do light peltasts cost more than normal peltasts?
Wait, what?
I'm not joking.
Oh, my God.
My normal peltas are 420, and the light ones are 460.
Which makes all the sense in the world.
Well, it makes all the sense in the world if you're fucking CA.
Yeah.
Well, one of the things I hate about this game is that skirmishers basically seem useless.
You're much better off.
At least it seems you're much better off just getting like Thorax spearmen.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the skirmishers need to be faster.
You know?
Guys in armor really, they don't run very fast, you know, and they don't run very far.
People not wearing armor are going to outrun people wearing armor.
It's just, there's, and this, Xenophon tells us as much, you know?
Xenophon tells us exactly that when he's retreating from Persia.
They literally couldn't catch up with the Persians because they were in the hop-like garb.
And the slingers and archers just turn around and run away.
And they'd be like, well, fuck.
You know, nothing good came of it.
Well, hopefully I will completely embarrass you this match as well.
I hope that does not happen.
Uh-oh, did my computer freeze?
No.
Nope.
the only way I'm going to get a victory here, so please.
What kind of games do you suck at?
Um, okay, let's see.
Uh, Rome 2 Total War.
Shut up.
You dick.
Let's see, what else?
What's another game you want to play with me?
Quake?
Okay, I don't have Quake, so.
Well, there's that Quake Live thing.
I was playing it the other day.
I got on there.
I kind of sucked, but then I sort of started getting back into the groove of it, and I was about halfway up the rankings by the end of the match.
Which wasn't too bad.
I'll have to try that.
Is it free?
Yeah, yeah, it's free.
Yeah.
I'll give that a shot.
It's good.
It's good.
Oh, did I start the battle?
My bad.
Oh, no, no, sorry.
I was choosing.
Oh, no, I did start it.
Never mind.
Yeah, I was just changing the map.
Sorry.
Faffing.
Sorry for people watching this.
I've still got 160 left and I can't do anything with it.
Come on.
You can upgrade your units.
I can upgrade a unit.
Better than nothing.
Hmm.
I can't wait to see how this match turns out.
Who are you again?
I'm the Icini.
Oh, really?
Yep, I'm pitting your people against you.
Shit, man.
No, they're not my people.
I'm English.
Well.
They're the Welsh, man.
They're the Welsh.
No, but I'm pitting the people of the aisle against you.
Yeah, they're the people that my people defeated.
So if I don't defeat you, then that'll suck.
Actually, that's not true.
I'm half Welsh, so if you win, I'm going to claim this victory.
Okay.
Just shit.
I fucked up.
I should have stayed away from all Germanics and British people.
Should have went with the French.
God damn it.
Yeah, it should have been the goal.
Yeah.
Okay.
How do I want to do this?
That's a very good question.
You're a buzzing sound.
A buzzing sound.
Okay, that's just feedback on my side then.
Right.
I'm happy with that.
I'm not.
It fucking hurts my ears.
Jesus.
Ow.
Sorry, man.
I have no idea what's going on.
Trying to take me out to beat the game?
I'm on to you.
Look, man, victory comes at any price, frankly.
I'm really not above dirty tactics.
right okay why is it that i mean is that yeah yeah that's genius that's That's fucking brilliant.
If you do, sorted single line, sorted double line.
And it's like, right, okay, you've got the general in the unit.
Does the general go on the front line, or is he in the rear line?
Oh, no, he's on the front line, of course.
Oh, he needs glory.
Which one is it that?
Yeah, exactly.
Which one is it that keeps the general at the back?
I have no idea.
I've never got that to work.
I always make custom lines.
How do you do that?
Oh, no, formation.
Yeah, just with me.
That makes sense.
I will probably have to do that.
God damn it.
Okay.
Um, one more time.
I've decided that I'm going to play remarkably defensively in this one.
I'm not very good at aggressive tactics.
That's probably a really good idea on your part.
I used to be pretty good at being aggressive in Rome 1.
Because, you know, units used to route.
Now they just stand there and die.
It's pissing me off.
I mean, there should be a lot more running away before people just die on the front lines.
Yeah.
There really should.
It actually is pissing me off because it's completely unrepresentative.
Let's see.
What?
No, wait.
What?
It's not part of the same?
Okay, okay.
How do I ungroup things?
Uh, Just hit on group again.
Presume that you have all the ones that are grouped together, selected.
Well, yeah, sorry, where's ungroup?
What?
Oh, shit, it is.
It's just a group.
It's like recreate selection group.
Under group controls.
Under where?
Group controls.
It's at the bottom of the middle bottom part of the.
I see it, I see it.
Two little flags.
Yeah, I'll pretend like I understand all that.
sorry this is taking so long but I have no fucking idea what I'm doing So no, it's a really good thing for me that it's taking long.
I was apologizing for people listening.
You should be apologizing to me.
What's wrong with you?
This is the worst.
No, this isn't going to work.
Okay, I've decided the phalanx formation probably isn't any good.
I don't like it.
Doesn't seem to work for me.
Don't know what I'm doing wrong.
Yeah, I don't know.
It doesn't seem to be very good when you start off the battle, but sometimes if you have a cavalry rush, I don't know.
I think it helps out a little bit.
Oh, honestly, I'm totally unimpressed with cavalry rushes.
They don't do shit.
Yeah, okay, I can agree with you with that.
jesus honestly i mean i understand not wanting to make cavalry overpowered and all that but ah come on guys Ah, come on guys.
Honestly, that actually really does annoy me.
Cavalry hitting your infantry in the back and the infantry is like, oh.
Something's going on.
I don't even know what the thing is.
It's like, what are you doing?
Can you see that?
What?
No, what?
Okay, good.
Good.
I'm not saying that it can't be seen.
I'm just saying I can't see it.
Trust me, you would know exactly what I'm talking about.
Right, okay.
Screw it.
Alright, what am I actually looking at here?
Chariots?
Right, I mean, your infantry surely suck balls.
They should.
Even the heavy infantry should be pretty bad.
They probably are.
Yeah.
But this is CA, so don't count on that.
Yeah, I'm not counting on that.
Heroic nobles, right?
They look dangerous.
You should probably run into them.
I'm not too scared of your chariots, though.
These chariots, right?
They're fucking light as shit.
I mean, look at it.
In fact, just look at it.
Looks like it's made of wicker.
You know?
The chariots, chariots from the British chariots are just not like the Mesopotamian ones at all.
Just watch as they hit like a truck.
If they do, I'm going to be angry.
I want to know who your historical advisors are because I want to punch them in the mouth.
Honestly, just, just, just...
I mean, I'd be polite after that, but they need a punch in the mouth.
If they can do that, I will be annoyed.
Well, hopefully we'll get a chance to find out.
Wow, you really do micromanage your infantry, don't you?
A little bit.
I'm sure pros are watching and telling me why I shouldn't be doing this.
Um, well, they're probably screaming more at me for what I shouldn't be doing.
So I would.
That's probably true.
I would.
Sorry, go on.
No, I was going to say, you are the star of this channel.
I wouldn't say that.
I'm more like the fucking idiot of this channel.
All I'm glad about is that hardly anyone watches my gaming videos.
So they don't know just how bad I am.
And this is what I tread seven.
You know, gaming is inclusive.
You can suck at gaming and still like gaming.
Okay, so those are actually Javelin Men, it looks like.
I don't have to watch out for that.
So, I don't really like Javelin Cavalry in this game.
I suspect I won't either.
They'll run out of ammunition so goddamn quickly.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I just feel like they don't get enough done.
Or if they don't.
See, one thing that people used to do in ancient battles was pick up javelins that had been thrown at them and throw them back.
And again, that's just something that's not represented in this.
So I would personally represent it by just giving them a bit more ammo.
Maybe the way you should do it is when they're idle.
If they've been idle for a certain amount of time, they could just start naturally regaining it.
Or maybe even better if they can do it like around a bunch of dead bodies.
Yeah, yeah, if you could have just areas of the map that, you know, dead bodies have built up on or something.
Just anything to represent the fact that, you know.
Like slingers running out of ammo in this game fuck me off so much.
Are you kidding?
Anything heavy on the floor will do, you know?
Oh yeah.
I mean, if I zoom in, yeah, there are probably rocks on this floor.
Actually, you know, saying that right, see, here, perfect.
There would definitely be rocks on this little area I'm looking at where your guys are just walking over.
Oh, yeah, I can see him too.
There's rocks fucking everywhere.
Yeah, exactly.
I mean, to be fair, though, there are, I mean, a field or grassy area.
There's no sling ammunition there at all.
So I can understand why, you know, there you wouldn't be able to.
But yeah, I mean, these are all fairly small details that they'd probably just be like, you know what, screw it.
Yeah, I think the biggest problem, though, CA, that is, is they've made this too much of an arcade game.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, their problem is listening to their advisors, I think.
If they just did as they were doing when they were a smaller company, then everything would probably be groovy.
I really would like to see maybe a mode.
You know.
That could be more historically accurate.
Yeah, me too.
I mean, didn't they basically do that with Rome 1?
They had an arcade mode, I think.
Did they?
Well, I mean, they probably did.
I'm just not aware of it.
Yeah, it's like stamina.
I don't think your truthet's down.
They can just run everywhere.
Oh, yeah, but yeah, I never put on.
So if this was AI, I would just be going around you, but since we actually have people watching, I will go up those hills.
No, no, no.
Feel free to go around if you want.
It will take so long.
That's okay.
And to be quite honest, I just don't feel like doing that.
You have hidden units?
Eh, sort of.
I mean, not really.
You kind of had a general idea where they would have been.
Oh, good.
I'm glad my guys can finally decide to, you know, use their ranged weapons.
That's wonderful.
That makes me very, very happy.
Well, it's good to see that they're useful for something.
I swear to God, if my cavalry just...
Good.
I was going to say, if they just crash into your fucking units now, I'm going to be more than disappointed.
These fucking vast columns of men just run away, cavalry, run away.
Come on, you can do it.
You've got lighter men, faster horses, surely.
Yeah, well, they're slingers, for fuck's sake.
I'm not all that surprised.
Yes, that's right.
My little javelin cavalry will throw javelins at your heavy cavalry.
Shit.
They're pretty good, actually.
Oh, they still have ammunition?
Yeah, they do.
I'm as amazed as anyone else, to be honest.
What was that?
What was that?
No.
Fuck's sake
Oh, what a surprise.
Did you hear that?
Oh, what happened?
One of our units has used all its ammunition.
Yeah, yeah, no kidding.
No kidding.
I don't want mine to use all its ammunition.
I'm surprised any of my guys have ammunition.
Alright, calm down.
They were getting fucked.
It's not that bad.
It's actually completely normal when you're getting fucked.
I probably shouldn't have forgotten about these guys.
Which guys?
You'll find out.
Oh, will I?
Let's go the chariots.
Yeah.
Right.
If charging with fucking 150 horse into your spearband doesn't route them, then fuck this game.
Fuck this game!
Well, they are dying, though, it looks like.
Oh, brilliant.
The thundering of the who's should have been like enough to make everyone shit themselves and run.
Oh, it's the world's worst charge, though.
I mean, I don't blame your guys for laughing it off.
I was like, charge, and they were like, oh, I don't know.
I don't know if I came here to charge, so let's try and bring some order upon us.
Oh, you guys eventually were like, actually, maybe this is going to get us all killed.
It looks like quality over quantity might actually win this battle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
it's the the only chance I have so come on hoplites
Come on, men of Athens.
Fucking hold your ground.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
What about running to their back and slash them with fucking swords, don't you understand?
I mean, they're just standing there with their backs to you.
I guess my guys are too honourable.
That's the problem.
They're like, excuse me, would you like to turn around so we can have a duel?
F***ing idiots.
God damn, I'm surprised I don't have anybody left.
I... I... I...
I can't believe how well my men are doing.
Usually barbarians, if you don't get them within the first few minutes, they're just kind of like, alright, we give up.
Yeah.
Okay, no, no, fuck.
Alright, guys, you know what?
Just let them run off.
Let's go and do something over here.
Yeah, those chosen bands are pretty good.
Oh, yeah, they're not awful.
They don't run away at, you know, sync.
Oh, good.
Oh, no, these guys are actually facing me.
That's why they're not dying.
I'm impressed.
They had the common sense to turn around and look at my dudes.
Mercy Vet and...
One of my...
An entire unit of mercenary veteran hoplites are like staring at this one guy and he's kind of giving them some shit across the battlefield and they're all just facing him.
And it's like, guys, why don't you just ignore him?
Looks like we're probably going to get a mass route here in a sec.
Um.
Well, I've been hoping for one for quite some time.
Can I, like...
Yeah, no, I got a firewall.
How do I?
Flaming shot.
Yeah, let's get some flaming shots.
Fire into Mali, everyone.
Fire into Mali.
Oh, your chariots are back, are they?
It's good to see.
They need to be in here for one last charge.
Oh, they're routing, I think.
Yeah.
I tell you what, the British chariots are fucking awful.
And they were historically.
I don't know.
They were more like a status symbol than anything else, I swear to God.
They were basically like battlefield taxis.
No, that actually makes sense.
Yeah.
Yeah, get your men into the battle.
Yeah, I mean, it's, you know, they were fine for what they did, I suppose.
Yeah, there's no way there's no point charging those heroic nobles with my cavalry.
But my cavalry have no fucking ammo, so...
Oh, two arms!
Oh, that's a...
Why didn't I think of that?
I think we shout two arms before we arrive at the battlefield.
Ah, of course my general's fallen.
Hey, why don't we all just run away then?
Why don't we do that?
I think all of our men have given up.
Yeah!
They're like, fuck it.
I can't believe it.
I can't either.
Oh, I can't believe the skirmishing still doesn't fucking work.
Motherfucker, my archers were just looking at your heavy infantry, charging them and being like, well, what?
You know, what?
I'm not wearing any armor.
Fuck me.
Oh, my God, man.
Suck at this game.
I should not have won that.
No, you fucking should have.
Look at those losses.
Oh, man.
That was good stuff, man.
That was good stuff.
Next time we're playing Rome 1, though, man, I understand that game.
Oh, yeah.
That, or at least Medieval 2.
Yeah, something like that.
Because things make sense in those games.
They do.
I mean, what am I doing wrong?
Seriously, what am I doing wrong?
I'm not...
I really thought I was alright there.
Ah.
I couldn't answer that for you, man.
I have no idea what's going on.
I mean, you should have won that.
You should have.
I don't know I did.
But, um, okay, well, I hope the people in the comments can tell me what I did wrong there, because I need to get better at this.
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