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Aug. 21, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
01:03:03
Let's Play： Depression Quest #GamerGate #NotYourShield
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Time Text
Hello everyone, um Depression Quest was free on Steam and I've never played it and I've never been depressed so I thought I'd check it out I'm not doing this just to take the piss out of Zoe or anything like that.
I've honestly I've literally just loaded it up and this is what this has given me so I don't know anything about it yet either.
But I wanted to give it a fair shake, you know?
Because I don't see games as art being any less valid as anything else.
I mean you know I there's nothing wrong with being like an artsy game or you know interactive experience or anything and I've been tempted to do stuff like that myself.
You know it's there's nothing wrong with that at all.
So I wanted to give it a go and I just wanted to give her a fair shake of the stick to see how her work stands up.
You know because at the end of the day you know even if she is you know a pretty gross human being then you know let's see what her work is like.
Let's you know merit speaks for itself.
That's the thing.
So okay I'm gonna give this a go and I'm a I apologise if I sound a bit gaky.
I'm being oppressed by hay fever.
So I do apologise for that.
So David Foster Wallace who name rings a bell but I don't know where from.
I don't really keep up with the video game press too much.
Only the gamer side of it like Jim Sterling and whatnot.
But hmm so its emotional character is probably most indescribable except as a sort of double bind in which any slash all of the alternatives we associate with human agency sitting or standing doing or resting speaking or keeping silent living or dying are not just unpleasant but literally horrible.
Well yeah that that sounds awful okay if you're currently suffering from the illness or you are easily triggered okay Tumblr calm down right okay well what are the controls right
so shift and backspace which is inconvenient shift and tab which is less inconvenient tab scroll okay all right let's do this It's early on a Monday morning.
You're a mid-twenties human being.
You have a significant other named Alex.
Can I?
How did I meet Alex?
I met him through a mutual friend a few months back.
We hit off pretty well that first night.
After a series of initially awkward dates, you finally become a couple.
Much to your surprise and excitement, Alex is three months younger than you are and is currently a student with a part-time job and a broad social circle.
Alright, she's a girl okay, she's got a wide variety of interests.
you worry that you're boring your relationship consists of a lot of nights in watching Netflix and when you've got time off work she doesn't have classes well and she doesn't have classes with your social outing tends to talk you into attending right okay so you don't these these sound like pretty stereotypical tumblerites she tries to be understanding when you are in one of your moods as she puts it can I turn this music off
I assume that's the only sound in the game then.
Um right she tries to be understanding when you're in one of your moods, but as she puts it that you are starting to feel like she doesn't understand what it's like for you and this sort of tension in your relationship coupled with your reluctance to want to go to college parties.
This feeds your worry of not being exciting enough for them.
Well, okay.
I think this seems to be the sort of thing that probably a lot of young women experience from what I've gathered from like you know from the from the collective opinions I've kind of gleaned from the people of Tumblr and this is exactly what I'd expect a social justice game to look like
and again that that in itself isn't inherently bad so okay so I met Alex and the rest of my social circle The social circle is made up of a few close friends, some which you've known from high school and some from jobs you've worked.
You've made various acquaintances, though reluctantly going to social events with Alex, you keep in touch with a few friends of friends that you occasionally run into see.
I just want to.
I want to sit here and give people advice on how to improve their lives.
When I'm reading this, you know I just want to be like, okay look, you've got to start being more outgoing.
I know you don't like it, I know you really.
You know you find it uncomfortable, awkward and stuff like that.
But everything is at first, you know.
You just have to power through it until you're comfortable with it.
I'm really sorry about this hate fever problem I'm having but I wish I could do something about it I don't have any more hate fever tablets so we've got a bunch of friends but I don't see them often you feel incredibly nervous about trying to make new friends on your own and are very good at talking yourself out of going to unfamiliar places or larger social engagements regardless of how much you might actually want to attend meeting new people stresses you out to a high degree this is something you wish you could work past
I'd like to know why it stresses you out I don't understand why that's something that is just so stressful I mean I meet new people I'm not that bothered about it it's you know sometimes it's good sometimes it's bad you know it depends on the person I'm meeting really doesn't it You admit you have a bad habit of flaking on social engagements, even with long-time friends, and are puzzled as to why some days you just can't force yourself to go and see these people.
You really do care about those that have stuck around long enough to be that close with.
You understand that this is something you sometimes do and seem to have more or less accepted, and seem to more or less accept it, even though they charge you for it on occasion.
However, you've had friends in the past give up trying to maintain a friendship with you because of this trait, taking your social anxieties as a personal slight, or even getting tired of trying to track you down all the time.
You feel incredibly guilty about all this but are not quite sure how to change.
I would say, just go to the engagements that you've previously arranged to go to would be the easiest way of changing that, and I I think I must be turning into my dad or something.
I just want to be like.
No look yeah, all right, just okay.
Okay, what's my day job?
What a surprise.
My day job is really nothing special.
I started out receiving minimum wage, but I've stayed long around long enough to be making enough to support yourself.
It says a lot about the world that minimum wage isn't enough to support yourself, doesn't it?
The work is dull and unrewarding, and most days you feel like just about anyone could do it.
Well, that's because anyone could.
But I like...
That is fine.
That's.
That's probably a very accurate reflection of what it's like to be in your twenties and have left university and then entered the working world.
It's probably a great disappointment.
I know it was to me, like, ten years ago, so.
You have a hard time relating to most of your co-workers, so you mostly keep to yourself and get the work done while you're there.
There are one or two people you chat with, although you wouldn't consider yourself close with them.
A lot of days lately, you have a really hard time getting out of bed and forcing yourself to go in.
You're starting to wonder how long you can keep this up.
You'd really like to find another job in your field of interest, but feel that you are underqualified every time you look at online job postings.
Sometimes you think about going back to school, but be unsure how you would be able to support yourself and wonder if the degree would really help anyway.
I don't think a master's in gender study is really going to help all that much.
I suppose you could become a professor.
You'd be doing more with you'd like to be doing more with your life, as would your parents.
Okay, let's hear about my parents.
This will be interesting.
Time to get Freudian.
You're one of the people, uh, few people you know whose parents never got divorced.
Speaks volumes, doesn't it?
But you do wonder if you still if they still love each other sometimes.
You have an older brother named Malcolm who moved across the country with his wife to work in a high-paying job.
Patriarchy.
Sorry, I'm not gonna.
I'm not gonna take the piss.
This is just you know.
I can't help it.
I really can't help it.
I've heard all of these sort of things before, you know.
But um anyway, I'm I'm gonna I'm really trying not to be a dick about this.
Every major holiday that you see him at, you feel a bit jealous, like the lesser kid, despite being genuinely happy to see him.
You feel very ashamed of these feelings.
Okay.
Well, I mean, it's good that you can it's good that the mindset is that you can see these feelings.
So I don't understand why you don't just, you know, get over them a bit.
You know, don't let them get the best of you.
Just kind of.
Anyway, your parents genuinely care about you.
Of course they do.
This often involves inviting you back to your childhood home for dinner, although your mother thinks you never visit quite enough.
But you get the impression they don't fully understand you.
They want to see you succeed and don't know why you haven't gone farther in life.
Because you're so smart and talented.
Any time you've tried to talk to them about your motivation issues, they tell you that the solution is to simply work harder or want it more.
Your father is generally more forgiving of your lack of a career path, while your mother thinks that you're too smart to be in the position you're in.
You know they love you and they're not bad people, but you really feel like a big disappointment sometimes.
Sorry, this hayfu thing is really driving me crazy.
If anyone gets hate-fever watching this, they'll probably understand exactly how annoying this is.
So, this is actually what I expect from someone from Tumblr.
This is uh you know this sort of you know disaffected teenager sort of mentality.
So, I mean, there are no surprises for me so far.
So, you're still in the process of doing more with your life.
Oh, you'd like to, sorry, you'd like to be doing more with your life, as your parents, but you're still in the process of figuring out what it means and how you go about it.
You're also dealing with motivation issues that sometimes make dealing with these things difficult.
Right.
So, I don't really have the motivation to deal with the things that are probably sapping my motivation.
You feel like this is probably your fault.
And on bad days, you can feel inwardly angry and down on yourself for being lazy.
But you're not quite sure how you can break out of it.
Or how other people deal with these feelings and seem so very functional.
You spend a lot of nights fixating on thinking about this.
But never seem to do anything about it other than lose sleep.
It's the way these things are described to me that I find very bizarre.
So saying you isn't necessarily a bad thing, but second-person storytelling, there's nothing wrong with that.
But I don't really understand why I'm doing all of these things.
Why do I feel like this is probably my fault?
I mean, it is my fault.
That's the thing.
I'm dealing with motivation issues.
So.
I'd rather someone say, you know, you just don't want to get out of bed.
You know, and then suddenly I can relate to that.
I can say, you know what, there are fucking days where I really don't want to get out of bed.
You know, actually, since becoming like a, I guess, you know, video blogger podcaster, I don't know what I am now.
But I've really noticed this, but I haven't had that.
You know, it's only when I've had crappy jobs that I've had that.
But yeah, I don't know.
I mean, I suppose the motivation issues must be, you know, just the mundanity of their job and probably the challenges emotionally they're going to find as they go along.
See, I really am trying to view this from the social justice perspective.
I swear to God.
So, you feel like this is probably your fault, and it is, but I don't think it's necessarily an unreasonable response to the kind of nihilistic mindset that these people seem to have.
Just, you know, they seem like goths from the 90s.
Just like, oh, what does it matter?
You know, nothing I do will make a difference.
The world's awful.
And, you know, it is to a certain extent, but you're also an actor in the world.
So you need to kind of grab it by the ponies and, you know, do what you can.
But anyway, you feel like this is probably your fault.
And on bad days, you feel angry and down yourself for being lazy.
But you're not quite sure how you can break out of it.
That would be the motivation for me to break out of it.
I would be like, you know, I'm actually genuinely pissed off of myself today.
I could have done something good, and I didn't.
I'm going to gao and stop wasting my life, you know, or do whatever.
But I would use that as the driving force.
Or how people deal with these feelings and seem so very functional.
I guess I would feel it's just not succumbing to these feelings.
But I'm having trouble understanding why she or yeah, I assume it's a she who this character is, but I don't know, it doesn't really matter.
Why this person can't do anything, you know?
But uh, and you spend a lot of nights fixating on thinking about this.
That's weird.
I would put if you put you spend a lot of nights fixated on this, then I'd be like, okay, well that's that's clear to understand.
But when you say you spend a lot of nights thinking, uh, fixating on thinking about this, you're you're sat there, you're you're fixating on the act, what you do is fixate, so repeatedly go over the act of thinking about thinking about why you're lazy and depressed and whatnot.
You know, it's as if you're sat there going, you know, I'm really gonna analyse why I'm having these problems.
I really should do that.
I'm not gonna do it.
I should analy I'm gonna analyse why I should analyse my life.
You know, it seems to have taken an extra step back and said, look, don't fixate on why you should do it.
Or thing about that.
Just do it, you know?
But never seem to do anything about it other than do sleep.
So, I don't really understand the social justice warriors.
But I'm...
And I don't really understand the mindset.
I guess it seems to be just falling at the first hurdle.
But the thing is, I mean, I think this is doing a good job of what it's trying to do at the moment.
I wouldn't expect to understand all of this in the first instance.
So this is a lot of information, and it's well presented.
You know, so let's go next.
It's an unseasonably warm Wednesday evening.
You've spent the past several hours at work.
The past week or so, you've found your job motivation flagging more so than usual.
You've been in the fog practically all day today, simply going through the motions without realising even what you've been doing half the time.
And yet, times seem to be moving at half speed.
Well, that's because...
Oh, sorry, no, I'm not...
Right.
You're so checked out that when your boss approaches you to tell you that it's dead.
What?
When your boss approaches you to tell you that it's dead and you can go home early, it barely registers.
Sorry, what's dead?
As you walk home...
Sorry.
The streets hiss from the recent rainfall.
You know that your significant other will be in classes until late.
At least a couple of hours at least.
You briefly consider using this serendipitous solitude to catch up on that project you've been working on haphazardly for the past few months.
Right, what's my project?
A while back, you and some of your older friends were out at a bar catching up.
After liquefying considerably more of your paycheck than was perhaps responsible and ending up thoroughly in your cups, you open up to the only people you really consider yourself close to and end up launching into a drunken tirade about the meaningless of your utterly menial job and ultimately your own existence.
This is exactly what happens in this sort of system.
But having never really seen you in such a state before, your friends were briefly taken aback by your sudden uncharacteristic outburst.
One of your friends suggested that getting involved with your hobby on a more regular long-term basis, suggesting that spending your energy on something you actually care about might help you better cope with the shittiness of your 9-5.
That's good advice.
Although you were com although you were embarrassed to l that you let your guard down, you're with your best mates.
They're the closest people to you.
You don't have to keep your guard up.
You know, and if you do, they're not really good friends, are they?
But uh and you felt self-conscious at seeming to have single-handedly brought the mood down at the table.
You convinced yourself on the cab ride home that maybe it would be worth trying out.
Okay.
It seems like they're bartering with their own emotions.
They're like, look, if we can do this emotions, we'll all feel better and we can all get something done and everything will be better than it is now.
How does that sound?
The emotions are just sulking in the corner going, alright, you know.
Anyway, you begin your project some months ago and have miraculously managed to keep at it.
Although your level of motivation and subsequent effort rises and falls considerably.
While you were surprised when you started out how good it felt to actually work on something you were passionate about, lately you find it hard to muster the energy to really even care about even this.
Well, it does feel good.
I can honestly say that.
I know that.
Right, okay, great.
So as soon as you think about the work that awaits you home, you feel the panic creeping in from the back of your brain, unbridden.
All you can think about is how incredibly far behind you are.
The amount of work seems nothing less than insurmountable.
I actually have some good advice for this.
I started learning how to program about six years ago now.
It was...
Well, that's not true.
I started when I was about 12.
I got an Amiga 500 with Cube Basic.
But I started to Seriously Program when I was about 28, 29.
And I spent a lot of time just alone in a room with lines of code that I didn't really understand and didn't work.
And it was literally through persistent sheer bullheadedness that I managed to get to the point where I'm actually working on something I think I can actually release commercially.
Now, I mean, I decided to jump in the deep end and start with multiplayer and 3D and all that sort of thing.
I didn't start on anything like this.
And in hindsight, if I'd known how much work it was going to be, I could quite easily say that I probably wouldn't do it.
I would probably have quit and just found a slightly better than awful job that I have.
I'm really glad I didn't.
And the advice I have is: whenever you have a giant project, just look at what's directly in front of you.
Just take it one step at a time, because the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
It literally, I know it's just an old saying, but it's so true.
Don't look at the magnitude of what you have to do.
Just look at one tiny piece of it at a time.
Overcome that.
But not only that, right?
That gives you the feeling of success.
Even if it's a tiny success, you add them all up and halfway you're like, well, this is going great and I haven't got that far to go.
So, you know, and I know I shouldn't just criticise, but, you know, if she ever watches this, I just want, you know, to any social justice warriors, I want them to understand that, look, you have options.
You know, I know that depression's like in your head, and but controlling.
I understand that for someone with depression, it's very difficult to deal with.
I do understand that.
Sorry.
But um and I I can't say that I understand what it's like to deal with that but you've I think you've got to remember that you do have options and it relies on you to take the first step.
No one can do it for you I suppose I mean I don't know anything about depression really so I imagine it's some sort of chemical imbalance in the brain or something.
But um anyway By the time you arrive home and change out of your uncomfortable work clothes, the stress is weighing down on you like heavy wet wool blankets.
Your computer seems to be staring at you staring you down from your desk.
You want to sit down and work but the mere thought of trying to work sends your stress levels flying.
More than anything you sudden you feel suddenly and absolutely exhausted and feel a strong desire to simply hide in bed.
Hmm now this I'm glad we've finally got some options here.
So this is interesting.
Option one is order some food, grab a drink and hunker down for a night of work.
Now that that's the option I would take in real life.
But since I can't do that, I suppose this is to highlight the finality of having depression, isn't it?
So that simply isn't an option.
So what's the next best option?
Well, I think they're all bad options because work is what needs to be done.
But do I sit down at my desk and try to make yourself do something?
Turn on the TV and just watch TV.
Or crawl into bed.
I'm so stressed and overwhelmed, you couldn't possibly accomplish anything anyway.
Right, these seem to be goals.
You're not...
You're depressed.
Interaction is exhausting.
You're becoming more and more withdrawn.
You are not currently seeking a therapy seeing a therapist.
You're not currently taking medication for depression.
Well, I guess if I'm at my desk I might end up doing some work.
You make a stop at your fridge, turn your favourite playlist on, and sit down to start working.
You open the last file you're working on and as soon as your hand touches the keyboard your mind goes blank.
All of the motivation and ideas you had when you arrived home vanish in a flash.
Your brain seizes up and you find yourself physically incapable of any sort of productive thought.
You take a break to loosen up, popping into your email and box, Twitter and various other internet-based distraction fodder.
Frustratingly, the pattern continues throughout the course of the evening.
I thought this would happen.
As soon as you try to focus on your work, your brain diverts all its energy away from the task at hand.
While you keep flipping back to your work, you find the sheer mental effort involved in keeping your brain focused is overwhelming and tiring.
Now, I'm not going to lie, I've had this problem too.
When I'm working and I'm not really in the mood, I find myself flipping through tabs on Google Chrome without even realising I'm doing it.
So, and I, you know, I have to catch myself and redouble my efforts just in my mind, sort of.
Okay, you know, I just caught myself surfing and not working.
So, you know, you just have to, you know, just be firm with yourself, I guess.
That's how I dealt with it anyway.
Um, a few Twitter arguments, YouTube videos, and a spast amount of actual work later.
But at least you've done some actual work.
You have playlist flips back to track one and the ice in your glass has all been melted.
Diluting the last dregs of the coke you were nursing.
We could at least be drinking an alcoholic drink.
You look at the clock and realise that a few hours have passed since you sat down to work, and you've made negligible progress.
But I've made some progress.
Any amount is better than none.
I can just wake up early tomorrow and catch up, you think to yourself as you climb into bed, even though you know that never actually happens.
I wouldn't do that, but.
It's a mild Friday afternoon.
Alex calls you from one of her classes telling you that there's going to be a really awesome birthday party tonight at her apartment that one of her roommates is throwing.
You've hung out with this roommate a few times with Alex.
You get along well enough, but aren't particularly close.
You don't have to work in the morning and have nothing else in particular to do tonight.
You're feeling kind of run down, but you have been fatigued most of the time lately.
You mention that you're feeling ill because you're not sure how else to explain those feelings to someone else.
And say that you aren't sure that you can make it tonight.
There's a second of silence over your phone, but you swear you can hear the sound of your partner's face fall.
She tries to convince you anyway.
You haven't seen her this week, and she sounds pretty insistent that you come over.
She even drops a few suggestibly worded hints that you can stay over with them tonight after the party.
what do you do?
Well, if I've learned one thing with dealing with women, you just fucking agree to it.
You agree to go, even though I'm not going to go, am I?
I'm just going to turn up.
I'm just going to sit at home and disappoint them.
You agree to go, even though you're not really feeling social.
You know it's important to Alex, and you'd really like to see her.
Seeing her does make you feel better sometimes.
And you hope this is the case tonight, even if it does mean dealing with all the usual social anxiety.
The time to leave rolls around and you grab your overnight bag.
Alex's apartment is a short walk away, and there are already people hanging out on the porch.
You feel your chest tighten as you approach the building and try to steal your nerves.
You quickly find your partner chatting away with the birthday girl.
And Alex immediately lightens up when she sees you.
Sorry, I thought Alex was the birthday girl.
Obviously, my mistake.
I'm so happy you came.
I wasn't sure if you were going to make it.
A young man taps her on the shoulder, and she turns back to you to apologise and let you know that they have to do something for the party.
Alex hands you a beer and plants a kiss on your cheek before going off to deal with whatever came up.
you look around you don't see anyone else you recognize okay so i haven't looked at the options yet and i i can tell that this is going to be a terrible thing And I do sympathise with this, actually.
It's not unfair.
So enthusiastically socializes, obviously.
crossed out so i suppose i could either awkwardly stand in the same spot put your bag in alex's room and avoid the crowd for a while cling to the back wall sip your beer and wait for your girlfriend to return Proceed to drink in earnest, hoping it makes you less uncomfortable.
Well, I would probably do that, but I don't particularly want to get really drunk in a really depressed state in someone else's party.
So.
I don't want to go to the Alex's room and avoid the crowd in there for a while, because I could see some guy coming in and persuading me to have sex with him.
I don't want to cheat on my girlfriend.
So I think I'd just chill.
As Alex leaves, you're not quite sure what to do with yourself, standing in the middle of the room leaves you feeling kind of exposed.
You don't feel ballsy enough to just randomly approach any of the groups of people clustered together talking.
You head to a clear spot on the back wall and lean against it.
For some reason, this always feels a lot more secure.
You scan the party for familiar face or any sign of your partner and come up with nothing.
Not sure what else to do, worrying that you must look creepy just standing there watching everyone.
You take your phone out and busy yourself.
Twenty semi-tedious games of bejeweled blitz later.
Ob obviously it's bejeweled blitz.
I mean there are no other games you could get for your phone.
There are just you couldn't get anything off decently.
So your partner returns.
Sorry.
You spend the rest of the night with Alex, occasionally being introduced to people and nodding along with group conversation, even if you don't participate that much.
At the end of the night, you're falling asleep with your girlfriend in the crook of your arm.
She thanks you again for coming.
Half drunk, she confides that she thought you were going to flake out and was pleasantly surprised that you managed to come out.
See, life is so much easier when you just live up to your obligations.
And I know it's work living up to your obligations, and believe me, I do know it's work, but if you just do it, even if you're not perfect, you know, it's better than not doing it at all.
She says it lovingly, but you're not quite sure how you feel about that statement.
Uh I'd be pleased.
What?
I don't know why I'm not sure how to feel about that statement.
I I wish they were giving me more information.
Why am I confused about that?
That seems nice.
It's a little afternoon on a muggy Saturday.
Your mother has come over for a surprise visit.
So did I get some or what?
Claiming loudly that she doesn't see you enough, and so she's decided to invite herself over.
Excuse me.
Um yeah, as you converse, she walks around your place and you get the distinct impression you're being inspected.
Well, that is what parents do.
Um sorry, I just need to clear my throat now.
So what's going on with you lately? she asks abruptly.
Why isn't that in the comments?
Anyway.
Somewhat taken aback by this left fielder, you tell her that you're not sure what she means.
She repeats the question, saying that you haven't seemed like yourself lately.
She gestures to the dirty dishes piled in the sink and notes the fact that you haven't called or visited in a while.
Your reticence only seems to spur her on more.
She presses you, asking you if you have having problems at work or with Alex, and you begin you're beginning to feel increasingly battered by her sudden well-meaning but overwhelming inquisition.
Fair enough.
Under her questions, you become increasingly uncomfortable.
You want to be able to explain to her how you've been feeling, but the truth is you're not really sure yourself.
Nothing horrific has happened at work or with your significant other, or with friends like that, or with anything like that.
But all the same, you can't deny that lately you felt drained as if you're not really here.
This seems to me the sort of symptom of corporate life, doesn't it?
You know, you go into you go into a job that you don't really care about, and you have to start at the bottom, obviously, because you majored in gender studies.
So so, you know, I I c i it it it I can see why modern life, especially in big cities, is creating people like this.
I I really can.
Um you wish you could tell your mother thing the these things, but she hasn't been approachable about the negative emotions in the pa about negative emotions in the past.
Did you tell her you're an other kin or something like that though?
She's the kind of person who holds the opinion that the solution to any problem is to simply try harder and maintain a positive attitude.
That is the solution to a lot of problems.
And it stands that it's reared its head in the past, in past conversations, when you've begun to explore the the subject with her.
You know she's unlikely to be understanding.
You feel the energy drain out of you when you imagine that what would happen if you managed to blurt out it and you feel the energy drain out of you when you imagine what would happen if you managed to blurt out everything you were feeling.
What do you do?
Um well I think talk to her is probably the best bet but um yeah I thought that might be crossed out
Now that seems like a reasonable response, I mean if you were going to deal with this yourself and you didn't want someone to help you deal with it then that's a nice response.
Um I'll try and be honest with her anyway though You attempt to tell your mother how you're feeling despite initial misgivings that you have about doing so.
Finding the right words for how you're feeling feels like trying to untangle Christmas lights.
I bet the patriarchy did this.
Searching for the dead bulb in the cluttered mess.
She watches you intently and audibly sighs before you can clearly articulate anything.
Unfortunately she reacts predictably.
Okay.
That's that's interesting.
She watches you intently and audibly sighs before you can clearly articulate anything.
That's very interesting, because that's the perspective of the social justice warrior.
It's you know this person is trying to genuinely express their feelings and the people around who aren't depressed are you know very impatient with it and I've probably been like this myself with them.
With people who've had depression.
See, um okay so you already know that you're not going to get a good response.
An attitude like that won't get you anywhere.
You need to work harder at getting what you want instead of sitting around feeling sad about it.
Nothing good will happen unless you make it happen.
Now, this is the absolute fucking truth of the matter though.
You know, no matter how you're feeling, the real world doesn't care about your feelings.
So you have to manage them and get on with your work.
Otherwise, you won't ever see any results.
Now, I mean, that's that's interesting.
Because I am seeing how from this perspective that wouldn't be that helpful.
Because I mean, the characters already displayed that they know that that's the case.
But for some reason, the depression, I assume, the you know, the thing's always crossed out.
So, I'm actually quite impressed with this so far.
I i it is helping me understand what this is like.
I just don't know why these things are crossed out.
You know, I I I assume it's this motivation issue.
But uh anyway, she isn't angry or spiteful as she tells you this.
You try to explain that it's not a matter of that, but you can tell her that you're not getting anywhere.
The frustration chokes the words in your throat.
You give up on trying to push the subject any further.
You know she's giving you the best adv uh the advice that makes sense to her, and that's genuinely she wants the best for you.
However, she doesn't understand that it's not simple as somehow deciding to be positive or work harder.
It's that those things aren't viable options because of these feelings.
Right.
Those things aren't viable options because of feelings.
I think that pretty much sums it all up.
Feelings don't actually change your options.
You know, they're inside your brain.
You know, they're not external factors.
So they are still viable options because you could still take the actions required, theoretically.
But if it's in your brain, and your brain isn't, you know, you can't take an action without your brain making it happen.
And if your brain isn't making it happen, then, you know, what could you do, realistically?
I want to approach this like everything they're saying is absolutely true.
And I'm trying to understand how what they're trying to say in a like, in an honest way, I swear to God, I'm doing my best at this.
I find it really difficult, though.
So, my brain isn't letting me do these things.
I know that they need to be done, but there's something in my brain that's preventing me from doing these things.
And despite the fact that I know she's right with what she's saying, I can't.
I'm not fully in control of my brain.
Well, okay.
I'll carry on.
So, yeah.
You accept your defeat, and the conversation drifts on to other subjects.
She leaves after chiding you to call her more often and take better care of yourself.
You sigh heavily as you close the door behind her, spend the next few hours laying in bed, staring at the ceiling.
Well, that sounds boring.
I've heard these sort of literary devices used, and I can never think of a time when I've actually done it.
I've laid there for like ten minutes and gone, this feels like I've been here for a few hours.
I'm going to go and do something else.
It is a lazy Sunday morning.
You're idly clicking around online as your phone rings.
Why aren't you working?
I swear to God, every day I get up, roll out of bed, turn on UT and just get on.
But anyway, a co-worker of yours, Sam, the co-worker of yours that you're friendly with, asks how you are and makes hurried small talk with you.
Okay, I assume this this the character I am is a girl because that kind of colours my opinions of people's motivations You know if if I were a girl and a man was talking to me, I guess I would have the I would probably be like 50-50 as to whether he was going to try and pick me up,
but that's because I'm a man and I know what men are like and they are like that.
There's you know, there's no there's no getting around like social justice warriors or the feminists going, oh, well, people say that we're attractive and they try to date us.
Yes they do.
Yes they do.
It's something you're probably just going to have to live with.
But they do do that.
I mean I can see why I can see why it'd be annoying, especially if you genuinely weren't in the mood for anything.
All you can really do is make it obvious from your outward demeanour that you're not looking for anything and hope for the best.
Try growing a beard.
I'm sorry, I'm trying- I'm mansplaining.
I'm gonna try and stop it.
I really am trying to stop that, sorry.
So, yeah, you typically only ever want to talk to him on the phone when one of your needs when one of you needs a shift covered.
Oh, you typically only ever talk to him, sorry.
So, it's slightly awkward, and you're waiting in anticipation of him to ask you to come in on short notice when he veers the conversation in a completely different direction.
How do you feel about cats?
He asks.
Mine had kittens a few weeks ago, and I'm having an awfully hard time finding a home for the last one of the litter.
You don't have any pets, right?
Oh dear.
Um, it takes you a moment to process this new information.
You're caught off guard as he begins to earn to try to sell you on the idea of taking the last kitten off his hands.
It's not something that you had specifically considered before, and he seems fairly insistent.
She's a real sweetheart, really loves people.
She's got all her shots already taken care of, and the vet said that she's healthy as a horse.
I can bring her over by your place tonight if you're interested.
You look around your apartment and try to picture a cat in it, and he continues to tell you about how cute she is.
You tell him this is kind of this is all kind of a sudden, and that you don't have anything for the kitten set up here.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I can bring over a litter box and food since that's all you'd really be help since you'd really be helping me out in a fix.
It's the least I could do.
I just don't want to have to put her in a shelter.
You can't help but feel like you've been guilt-tripped, but you decide to give it some serious consideration.
It does get awfully lonely around your apartment, and it might feel less empty with a cat around.
However, since you've been feeling down, it might it might not be a good idea to take on the responsibility of a cat, even if they are fairly low maintenance.
Well, okay.
Um, I love cats.
Cats are adorable and funny.
Uh, so but then so are dogs.
I just, you know, okay, get a cat one.
I'm fine with you getting a cat.
Uh okay, we're not going to just take the cat and full world take great care of it.
And we're not going to say no, even though you'd be totally capable of taking care of it, you're not much of a cat person.
Um, so we can either become a cat owner, use the companionship, uh, decline, you're not in a good enough place to be taking on more responsibility right now, or decline because I don't like cats.
Um, would a cat be good for me?
Probably not.
I don't know. I really don't know.
I'm just trying to think what would the what the depressed people think of cats.
I mean, am I likely to kill my cat at some point?
I don't want to kill my cat.
I'd rather just go to a shelter and then get picked up, because kittens and shelters, I imagine, get picked up instantly.
So it's not like it's going to suffer terribly.
And it'll probably be really grateful when the owner takes it back to a really nice home.
So, you know, it'll probably be a good relationship for the cat and owner.
I suppose I'm going to have to take it.
Otherwise, I'm just going to sit here depressed and alone all the time and never see anyone.
Hey.
You accept the offer of the kitten and hang up shortly after making arrangements for when your co-worker can drop her off tonight.
After hanging up, you worry if you've suddenly taken on responsibility you can't handle.
It's just a cat.
And hope you don't make a small animal suffer for it.
You're not entirely sure what to expect.
You spend the rest of the afternoon researching cat care online and try to think of a name.
All you have to do is change its letter and feed it.
The evening rolls around and you hear a knock at the door, startling you out of reading a Wikipedia entry too hard, Wikipedia entirely too hard.
You take possession of a small, terrified black and white kitten in a carrier.
Now I want a cat.
I don't have a cat.
I live alone in my apartment and I don't have a cat.
Along with everything you need to start taking care of her.
You take her into your bedroom, close the door, and open the close the door and open the door to the carrier excitedly.
She cows in the back of it and you back off.
Feeling slightly defeated, you remember what you were researching when introducing a kitten to a new home.
You leave her alone to go mess around in your computer.
Hopefully checking over your shoulder every so often to see if she's come out yet.
See, I would say that's the wrong thing to do, just leave her alone in a strange place.
I would actually pick up the creature and like hold it in my arm and just stroke it.
Just, you know, reassure it.
It's, yes, you know, this is all terrifying.
You don't know me, but I'm going to be doing nice things.
Here's some food, in fact.
Treats, food.
that would be a really great way to show the cow that, hey, I'm on your side because I'm going to give you nice stuff.
And, you know, but just leaving it alone in a room in a strange place seems really, it seems like bad advice.
I...
I don't know what she was reading.
Yeah.
So she hides inside her carrier periodically, making sorrowful cat howls long enough for you to start worrying that she really doesn't like you.
Yeah, well, you've...
Good God, I'm not surprised...
My girlfriend got a cat.
A kitten.
She's already got two cats that I really like and I don't love with her.
I was visiting and she literally comes in and she says, you're going to be really mad at me.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.
Alright, go on.
What is it?
And she's like, I bought a kitten.
I was just like, why?
And then she gives me this tiny kitten and puts it in the thing.
And he's all nervous and shivering.
And so I just sat there with him on my stomach for, I don't know, like three hours or something.
Literally, like, he just didn't move.
And he was just, like, on my lap while I was working or doing something on my computer.
And, you know, he was sat there, and when I wasn't, like, using both hands, I'd just give him strokes and stuff.
And he seemed fine, and he just dozed there until he suddenly realised that everything was okay.
There was no particular threat around, and he just got up and started.
And now she's getting to the point where she's going to have to rehome him because he's so rambunctious that he's actually depressing the other two cats.
The other two cats are just, they're turning into like Zoe from Depression Quest.
You know, they're just like, oh, God, life's awful.
They just seem to be unhappy.
You know, it's really weird.
But yeah, this is...
One of the things that he didn't like, though, was at night we'd leave them in the sort of outroom with their, you know, food and litter trays and stuff.
And the kitten hated it.
He absolutely hated it.
He was just yowling on his own, and I felt terrible about it.
But, you know, what can you do?
And, yeah, I'm not surprised.
This is horrible.
She had this high carrier periodically, making sorrowful cat howls long enough for you to start worrying sure it doesn't like you.
But by the time you go to bed, she's curled up at the foot of it.
Eyeing you nervously before falling asleep.
Yeah, she's wondering why you're not interacting with her.
It's a kitten.
It's a newborn animal.
It expects a parent figure to be interacting with it.
Imagine a baby.
You were just treating a baby like, you know what, I'll just wait till the baby comes over to me.
You know?
Over the next few days you gain her trust before you feel it.
What the fuck?
And she begins affectionately following you around, sleeping on you and hopping up on you any time you sit down to do some work.
Most kittens do that.
You know, you don't have to spend days trying to gain their trust.
They'll do that from the start if you're just nice to them, because it's the instinctive understanding that if someone's going to be nice to you, they're probably not going to eat you.
You know?
If someone's feeding you, they're not going to eat you.
Anyway, nature, hey, doesn't exist.
It's all nurture.
So it's late Friday afternoon.
And quitter time is just around the corner.
But at least we have a kitten now.
A bright clear day is giving way to a still temperate evening.
You can hear your co-workers around you anxiously making plans for their evenings and weekends.
And you're really looking forward to just going home and resting after what's turned out to be a very long and taxing work week.
Just before the end of your shift, you get a call from Alex.
It seems a group of your mutual friends are heading out to a nearby pub for dinner and drinks.
Celebrate the end of the week.
I love that that's the sort of thing that actually needs a celebration these days, isn't it?
It probably always has to be fair.
And they want to know if you'd like to come along.
You tend to tell her that you're emotionally exhausted from work.
See, I don't get a choice here.
You don't know that I don't want to go.
I'm feeling pretty good, actually.
Depression Quest is kind of perking me off.
People feel sad, but then I've got a kitten.
And I like cats.
So I like animals.
So I'm just like, oh, I've got a kitten.
I'm trying to be emotionally open when I'm doing this.
It seems that a group of your mutual friends are heading out to a nearby pub.
Okay.
So, yeah, you're emotionally exhausted from the work weekend.
Social outing like that would just take too much out of you today.
You encourage her to go and have a good time, since you know it's been a while since you've gone out with friends.
But the effort feels futile since you know she isn't going out with you.
Well, you could go for a while.
You know, you'd be like, oh, I'm kind of knackered.
I'll come down for an hour.
Put, you know, make sure my face is shown to see you, you know.
Show that I'm going to put the F in, but I am exhausted as well, so I'm just going to go out.
You could do both.
Anyway, especially when a couple of hours later, the two of you find yourselves.
Alright, okay.
What, has she come over to me or what?
Okay, yeah, she has, right.
So you're watching comedy shows on Netflix.
A box of pizza open on the coffee table in front of you.
See, if you'd just gone with her for an hour, A, you might have changed your mind and started enjoying what was going on.
But B, you know, you would have done what they wanted, and then, you know, after answering, do you mind if we go?
No, no, that's okay.
I know you didn't want to come out, sort of thing.
And then you could go home and you could still be watching Netflix and eating pizza.
You know, best of both worlds there.
But um as you look across the couch fr at her, you start to feel anxious.
Alright.
You feel bad about effectively forcing the two of you to stay in tonight again.
Well, you did.
So while you're always appreciative of your partner's efforts to take your feelings into account and help make sure that you're socially comfortable, you sincerely worry that you're holding her back from enjoying a more fulfilling relationship.
I think you should really just worry about yourself in this situation.
If they're with you, they know why they're with you.
And if they don't want to be with you, they wouldn't be with you.
So, honestly, there's very little point worrying about that kind of thing.
That's, you know, that's kind of like it it's kind of like gaming the relationship almost.
You know, it's like, oh god, what can I do to make it more fulfilling for her?
I'm not saying you shouldn't think of your partner, but just, you know, don't try and do nice things that they'll enjoy rather than, you know, this kind of different way of looking at it.
I don't know how to describe it offhand.
Well, she does seem to enjoy spending time with you.
As the two of you sit in comfortable, almost contented silence watching old news shows that you've seen two or three times before Oh, what did I get news from?
Before your ever-increasing fear of your relationship is becoming one-sided weighs more and more heavily on you.
You feel more than ever like a burden or reward to her.
Award is someone they look after.
And it's virtually impossible for you to see what value you could possibly offer to her in return.
Some people like looking after other people.
You aren't them.
That's the thing.
Not everyone's the same.
People are different.
Worst of all, this nagging fear has made you feel more self-conscious than ever.
Withdrawing ever inwards, you started to pull away from even Alex herself.
Okay.
So I can't say that, despite the bad times, I know my girlfriend loves me, and relationships are a two-way street, and you resolve to always be there for her like she has been for you.
And I can't tell her how important she is to me and enjoy my evening.
Okay, this is making me...
I am very depressed.
I... I...
I do spend a large amount of time sleeping and hating myself right now.
I don't like either of these options at all.
I don't even know.
If I don't talk to her, then she's going to be like, you didn't talk to me all evening.
I know because this is the sort of thing women remember.
I've had too many girlfriends.
And if I ask her if she's happy with the relationship, she'll start focusing on things that she's not happy with, and then she'll realise that she's not happy in the relationship.
Or, if I just said, you know, hey, I'm really glad you came over.
I really appreciate it.
I'm having a great time.
Do you want me to give you head or something?
You know?
I would be able to make sure that she's happy with my relationship.
So, I don't know what to do.
Oh, let's just have a talk, fuck sake.
You look over at Alex, who hasn't noticed you're watching her yet.
You tried to pass the expression on her face.
You worry that it's one of sheer boredom and bare intolerance.
But you don't know.
so don't worry, it might be Does it look like it?
These things, you know, if she's just sat there, like, with her brows furrowed, eyes narrowed, and just lips pursed, then yeah, maybe she is, you know, barely tolerating all this.
But you wonder if she's thinking about all of the fun things she could have been doing tonight if she wasn't trapped on this couch with you.
Probably not.
She's probably just watching whatever you're watching.
Ordering from one of the same three take-out places you order, always order from.
A sense of disappoint.
A sense of disappointing her creeps over you.
That's odd to read.
A sense of disappointing her creeps over your eyes.
So the fear of disappointment creeps over you as you picture what the night could have been if you had just accepted the invitation she had made earlier.
I know this is a pretty boring Friday night for you.
Are you really happy being with me, being like this?
Oh god, no, why did I do this?
She turns to look at you, forehead wrinkled.
Why do you ask me that so often?
You feel her body stiffen and pull away from yours just a little.
Well, I mean, you start, but are unable to try and think of how to answer.
Fuck's sake.
I knew I should have shut up.
It's probably silly, but it's reassuring when I hear that we're on the same page.
I obviously can't say that.
I just want to make sure I'm right for you.
I can't say that.
I don't want to say any of those things.
I don't want to say, I know it's not what you'd usually be up to.
And it's like, you're making, that's the sort of thing that makes people feel bad that they have other interests.
You know, that they happen to like doing things.
You know, that's making them feel guilty for the fact that they like doing things that you don't like doing.
I hate that kind of thing.
It's like, well, I know this is what you usually do.
Yeah, but I'm doing it now, so would you please shut up about it?
You know, I'm fine doing it.
If I wasn't fine doing it, I wouldn't have consented to do it.
So, you know, yeah, I might have other preferences, but life isn't about getting what you want all of the time.
Sometimes it's about just sucking it up.
Anyway, I don't know.
I guess I kind of get worried that you're getting bored sometimes.
It's like I am now, but never mind.
Yeah, let's just drop it.
This is far from the first time you've had this conversation with her.
You could have warned me of that in advance.
If I'd known, I would have just stayed silent.
And it's one of the that and it's one that plays out the same every time.
Well, just if you know it, just stop.
Why didn't you warn me?
You explained your fears of being worthless.
See, I'm trying to win this game.
I tell you, alright, this is actually not a bad experience at all.
And it was free on Steam.
And honestly, this is probably going to get flagged and you'll be like, oh my god, he put a let's play up of her game, quick!
Tear down his channel!
But this is not a bad game.
And, you know, I.
It took a little bit of work to become invested in it, but, you know, I'm not against a bit of work.
And it's, yeah, this is alright.
I'm actually kind of enjoying it.
But I'm not necessarily enjoying it for the same reasons they're enjoying it.
Or they think I should be enjoying it, perhaps.
But it's really not bad.
I don't actually know how long I've been doing this for.
Christ, I've been doing this for an hour.
Okay, well, I think I'll leave it there.
But I may well carry on with this at some point.
It's really not a bad game.
And again, a game.
Oh, God, I don't want to go into the semantics of gamer.
I said competitive, just say, look, it's where you've got an opponent that you're fighting, like the AI or something.
It's not just, you know, clicking.
It's not just a skinner box.
But yeah, I do recommend you give it a go, because the thing is, you know, all of this thing, it's obviously, like, bad, but this is actually something that does have its own merits.
And I do think she probably worked very hard on this.
You know, it's really not bad.
And the story isn't being told badly either.
The writing's fine.
You know, it's not amazing, but it's fine.
Fit for purpose.
And, you know, yeah, I.
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