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June 9, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
15:30
Jehovah's Feminists
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Excuse me, have you accepted feminism into your life?
Wait, wait, don't shut the door yet, Mr. Mrs. or insert preferred pronoun here.
Feminism's got a lot to offer you.
Why be a feminist?
Well, the first biggest reason to be a feminist is because you believe that men and women should be treated equally in our society and that women have it worse off than men.
If you don't believe that, if you think that either equality isn't a good goal or that it is a good goal but women have it better off than men, you're wrong.
And you don't want to be wrong, do you?
As you can see, these are articles of faith.
And like any good article of faith, it does not care about the facts.
And in many of the places where it counts the most, women are, in fact, taking control of everything.
For every two men who get a college degree, three women will do the same.
Women, for the first time this year, became the majority of the American workforce.
And they're starting to dominate lots of professions.
Doctors, lawyers, bankers, accountants.
Over 50% of managers are women these days.
And in the 15 professions projected to grow the most in the next decade, all but two of them are dominated by women.
So the global economy is becoming a place where women are more successful than men.
If you do believe in equality, if you do believe that women have a rough position in our society, why don't you want to identify as a feminist?
Exactly.
I can't think of a single reason why you wouldn't want to.
Unless you're not a misogynist, are you?
It's you!
So it turns out, behind the safety of anonymity, are occasionally massive bigoted wankers.
Don't worry, I know you don't want to be a massive bigoted wanker, but the thing is, you're not a feminist.
But that's okay.
You can convert.
What have we got?
Good question.
Well, we've certainly got an arch nemesis.
Satan is indeed very real in feminism, but that's a bit Christian, so we've got a new name.
a more impressive name and that name is now you might be thinking to yourself hang on Are you sure the patriarchy is a giant, unfalsifiable boogeyman that every problem can be blamed on?
Because if it's not, this is hardly a religion, is it?
I am totally into patriarchy bashing.
Because that is the problem, folks.
It's not men who are the enemy in the fight for equal rights.
It's our male-dominated, misogynistic society.
Feminists blame everything on patriarchy.
That's just the way things have been, and that's the way things are.
How can this be a patriarchy if men are not benefiting patriarchy?
So there you go.
Patriarchy.
Which is patriarchy.
Which is patriarchy.
So again, it's because of patriarchy.
Therefore, patriarchy.
Makes perfect sense.
Now I know what you're thinking.
But what if real life doesn't mesh up to what my new religion is telling me about patriarchy?
What can I do?
Luckily, that's an easy answer.
All it takes is a very tiny amount of doublethink, and you can accept it without question.
Today we're talking about patriarchy.
Before we can discuss patriarchy, we need to know what a patriarchy is.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as a society or institution governed by the principles of patriarchy.
The supremacy of the father in the family, the legal dependence of wife and children, and a disproportionate amount of power given to the men.
So, but this definition, do we in the West live in a patriarchy?
Well, no, not exactly.
The thing is, in our society, women can go into politics, women can succeed in politics, women can become the highest governing authority in a country, and they are not considered illegal property of their fathers, brothers, or husbands.
So, by the strict definition of a patriarchal society, we're not in one now, and we haven't been since at least the late 60s to early 70s.
So, does that mean that patriarchy isn't a problem?
Nope, still a problem.
We need to keep separate ideas going in our mind at the same time.
This has proven almost impossible when discussing anything that has to do with feminism or men's rights.
But let's try.
We can do this, you and I. See, a feminist can blame absolutely anything on patriarchy.
Now, you might be thinking, well, shit, that makes the patriarchy fucking terrifying.
And I agree, it is.
And you should be afraid.
But that's okay, because like any good religion, feminism is here to comfort you.
I is for the era.
Tasting misogynists around.
T is for the trolls, disgusting trolls that are there.
Sea is for the creepy street harassers that threaten our welfare.
H is for the harm that sexism has done.
H is for the harm when jokes you say are just fun.
We are very merry, extraordinary.
Let's campaign on an endeavor for the end of sexism together.
Do bear in mind that criticizing someone's musical ability is part of patriarchy.
But anyway, forget Kumbaya.
We have our own hymns and you will do well to learn them.
They're very good at fostering a group identity and a sense of community.
And in that community, you can help expunge the patriarchy.
Fuck that!
Their idea for the role of women, I'm guessing people mean men.
I don't know what the meaning of them is.
Chivalry, I guess, fuck chivalry!
Men feel entitled to watch me have lesbian sex.
Not cool.
Not cool!
I hate the standard of beauty.
Definitely.
Fuck it up!
Okay, and so we have all of these things that we hate about patriarchy.
They actually aren't sweet, but it's sweet.
Are angry about them.
So yes, now we're going to bring it.
Watch out for a child.
Yeah.
Watch out!
We don't want the candy to hit you, so are you standing bars?
See, that's completely normal for any religion.
And, remember, there is also the ritual sacrifice.
Don't let this pinata fool you.
The patriarchy is not as fuzzy as it appears.
Anyway, after the ritual sacrificing of the patriarchy, we obviously have to celebrate with a hymn about smashing the patriarchy.
Smash patriarchy, smash patriarchy.
I fly like paper, get high like planes.
If you catch me in the sky, I got sisterhood in my veins.
Sisters come up here, I'll fly all day.
A rest from misogyny is good for the brain.
Sometimes I feel sitting untrained.
Every joke I overhear is part of the game.
So many taking parts, such a great shame.
And for all this, we know who's to blame.
All I wanna do is go bang, bang, bang, and Smash patriarchy!
I know this all seems a bit militant, but don't worry if you've got young children, they can smash patriarchy too.
Yes, Led Zeppelin.
And what's the best song?
Cashmere, and what do we do for fun?
We smash the patriarchy!
Smash the patriarchy!
Smash the pazon party!
Smash the patriarchy!
See, there is nothing unhealthy about feminism.
Now, you might be thinking, well hang on a second.
I like my religions to have a good dose of original sin.
Do you think feminism doesn't have that?
Honestly, what kind of religion would feminism be without privilege?
I want to talk about male privilege.
I can't talk about privilege without talking about marginalization first.
Marginalization is basically the idea that some people in our society are systematically oppressed.
That they in some way, shape, or form are not given access to the same rights as those who are not marginalized.
Also known as the- It's easy to see that if someone's born male, they're automatically born with privilege.
Male privilege.
In fact, let's get a complete list of male privileges.
Now, the list is very long, but we can see by just looking at the top three, that they've got the privilege to murder, the privilege to rape, and the ownership of women's bodies, that men have got a lot going for them in society.
And remember, if there is any evidence to show that they don't have these privileges, do the double think, put it into two separate thoughts, and ignore it.
Feminism's right.
You're wrong.
This is an article of faith.
And remember, you're only criticizing this because of the patriarchy.
For instance, I am white, able-bodied, middle-class, and educated.
In these ways, I am privileged.
I know, you're thinking, holy shit, that applies to me too.
Fuck.
I've had this privilege my whole life and I've never even known about it.
What can I do?
Believe it or not, feminism has the answer.
All you need to do is confess your sins.
Repent of them.
Ask for forgiveness, and it shall be bestowed upon you.
That thing you said was offensive.
You just say, I'm really sorry, okay?
I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.
I'm ignorant and I'll change.
That's all you need to do.
Isn't that a load off your mind?
All you need to do is prostrate yourself at the altar of feminism and you will be forgiven your sins.
I'm sure that at this point you've realised that there's a lot of jargon that you're not aware of, a lot of esoteric words, but that's okay, because feminism has high priestesses who will go on TV and explain to you the things that you need to think.
So there's always been this sinister culture that has gone along and it's always been sexual.
The Barbie doll herself is a fetish.
She is descended from a sex toy.
Little girls learn to flirt with their fathers, you know, kiss daddy good night and all this sort of business.
If you're thinking there's no problem out there of inequality, probably you need to raise your standards.
So by now, I'm sure you're thinking what I'm thinking.
Holy shit, the world is fucked up.
I mean, there I was just enjoying my breakfast when you knocked on the door, and now I realize that actually I've been oppressed or I have been oppressing my whole life.
What can I do about it?
I can't just sit still.
Well, luckily for you, feminism has crusades.
There's a politician who proposed that men should be required by law to urinate in a sitting position.
This is Van Bossy.
Take one.
Stubborn.
Stubborn.
Pushy.
Pushy.
Stubborn.
Stubborn.
Bossy.
Bossy.
When I was growing up, I was called bossy.
I think the word bossy is just a swasher.
Being labeled something matters.
By middle school.
Girls are less interested in leadership than boys.
And that's because they worry about being called bossy.
You wrote a piece this week, Five Ways We Can Teach Men Not to Rape.
Don't teach women how not to get raped.
Teach men not to rape.
I think that's an awesome idea.
I completely agree with the sentiment.
It shouldn't have to do with how we dress or what part of town we're in.
It should have to do with the fact that as a culture, we should teach men not to rape.
See, isn't that all great?
Isn't that just fantastic?
Feminists campaigning for multiple issues.
You look like the sort of person who really wants to get out and actually change the world.
You're not just an armchair crusader.
You are an actual crusader and you need to get out and change things.
Just look at the thousands of feminists who are right there with you.
No more playboy, no more.
Can you shut the fuck up for a second too?
This is a list of the things that we're working towards.
Now, if you would shut the fuck up, we're the 50th million die.
Bullshit.
You hate sexism, but you're an MRA.
Okay, no points taken.
Meet the wait.
We win it.
We can see through your disguise.
MRANS!
We can see through your discards.
MRA, I'm going to be able to do it.
You might be thinking, so I want to protest, but I don't necessarily want to cut someone's balls off and then hold them proudly on a website promoting a feminist extremist group.
Well, in that situation, you do precisely what Christianity does with the Westboro Baptist Church.
You do precisely what Islam does with terrorism.
You say they are not real feminists.
Now, the beauty in this lies in its simplicity.
Because feminism, like other religions, is something that one has to self-identify as.
And the beauty of self-identification is that it happens by declaration.
All you need to say is, I am a feminist.
And then you were a feminist.
And if someone else does something that you don't agree with, you can say they are not a feminist.
And because there was nothing in writing, there was no organization they signed up to, they cannot prove that they are in fact a feminist.
Because all it would be is anecdotal evidence.
So your argument is watertight.
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