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May 11, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
10:21
IT'S THE WORLD'S TOUGHEST JOB
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Time Text
Yeah, we all know what this is gonna be, and it is a fake job.
You know what?
No, go on, go on, I won't spoil it.
How considerate of you to waste the time of these people who are actually looking for a job.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you as well.
Have you ever done one of these interviews over the camera before?
No.
Well, let me tell you a little bit about the job to get started with.
It's not just a job, it's sort of probably the most important job.
The most important job.
Well, I'm guessing that there aren't already billions of people doing it then.
The title that we have going right now is Director of Operations.
Hmm, that does sound like an important job.
So, how many people will I be directing exactly?
How much is this operation worth?
Feel free to give me an estimate that's rounded off to the nearest 500 million.
But it's really kind of so much more than that.
Responsibilities and requirements are really quite extensive.
First category for the requirements would be mobility.
That's interesting.
How many miles a day will I be expected to travel?
Feel free to round this off to the nearest thousand.
This job requires that you must be able to work standing up most or really all of the time.
Right, so if I'm understanding you correctly, this job won't be taking place in a living room with a comfortable sofa.
Constantly on your feet, constantly bending over, constantly exerting yourself, a high level of stamina.
Well, it sounds a lot like warehouse work or possibly factory work.
I don't know whether you know what a director of operations does, but they generally spend a lot of time sat in front of a computer sending emails.
Uh okay.
You know what?
Don't call us, we'll call you.
That's a lot.
For how many, like, for how many hours?
135 hours to unlimited hours a week.
It's basically 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
135 to unlimited hours a week.
Well, I'm guessing that the job is actually Martian colonist then.
I'm sure you'll have a chance from time to time to maybe just sit down here and there, yeah?
You mean like a break?
Yeah.
No, there are no breaks available.
Yeah, no, no breaks, none at all.
At no point in this job will you be, for example, sat on the sofa watching loose women, Jeremy Kyle, or EastEnders while the client takes a nap or a timeout.
Is that even legal or representative of reality?
Of course, yeah.
Okay, so like no lunch.
You can have lunch, but only when the associate is done eating their lunch.
Uh, I think that's a little intense.
Really?
But you were just fine with the 135 to unlimited hours a week?
No.
No, not possible.
That's crazy.
No, this position requires excellent negotiation and interpersonal skills.
Which will normally manifest themselves in you either trying to bribe the client with sweets or screaming louder than them and smacking them on the back of the legs.
Really looking for someone that might have a degree in medicine, in finance, and the culinary arts.
You will be expected to perform open-heart surgery, balance the books of a Fortune 500 company, and obviously cook a 16-course meal for the Emperor of Japan.
You must be able to wear several hats.
Associate needs constant attention.
The associate also never takes a mid-afternoon nap.
Sometimes they have to stay up with an associate throughout the night.
Sometimes being once or twice a year.
Able to work in a chaotic environment.
If you had a life, we'd ask you to sort of give that life up.
And there will be absolutely no way you could get someone to fill in for your job for any period of time so you could go out and do something without the client.
No vacations.
In fact, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, and holidays, the workload is going to go up, and we demand that.
With a happy disposition.
Because so far, we have in no way misrepresented just how much work it actually is.
Ah, that's almost cruel.
That's almost a very, very sick, twisted joke.
Yeah, it kind of sounds like it's sweatshop labor in Burma or something, doesn't it?
But when there's time to sleep or...
Oh, no time to sleep.
That's right.
The client is awake 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year.
You will never ever sleep again because the client never ever sleeps.
Yeah, all-encompassing almost.
That's exactly right.
365 days a year.
Yes.
No, that's inhumane.
Yep, by his description, it does sound inhumane.
That's very insane.
The meaningful connections that you make and the feeling that you get from really helping your associate are immeasurable.
How is it that none of these idiots have spotted what he's doing at this point?
Also, let's cover the salary.
The position is going to pay absolutely nothing.
With a brief addendum that it does actually guarantee that you will never become homeless or go hungry.
Excuse me?
Idiot.
No.
Idiot.
No, why are you doing that for free?
Yeah, pro bono.
Completely for free.
No!
Double idiot.
What if I told you there's someone that actually currently holds this position right now?
Then I'd ask, why the fuck are you interviewing me for a job I can't have?
Billions of people, actually.
Who?
Idiot.
Moms.
Yeah.
Told you.
Yeah.
Moms.
That's awesome.
Yeah, that's brilliant.
Yeah.
That's just fucking wonderful.
I don't have credit card debts.
I don't have rent to pay.
I'm not worried about how I'm going to keep my car on the road.
You know what?
I'm not even worried about how I'm going to feed myself.
I was prepared to do the most difficult job in the world, and it turns out that you're taking the fucking piss out of me.
That's really awesome.
Thanks, buddy.
Thanks.
I really hope this goes around on the net and so I can look like a fucking tool to millions of people because you know what?
That's really gonna help me.
You know, that's really gonna help.
That's gonna help me get further in my life.
Thanks a lot, you fucking prick.
And they meet every requirement, don't they?
You know what they do?
At no point are infants unconscious.
At no point do plasters substitute for open-art surgery.
At no point do they get free money from a government.
And at no point do they put something in a microwave and push the start button.
Oh my god.
Moms are the best.
Yeah, you were never gonna get the job.
Even if it was real.
Yeah, that's no pain.
They're 24 hours always there.
And at no point in my life am I ever planning to be one, so talking them up now is not gonna help me in future.
Now I'm thinking about my mom.
Yeah, and what are you thinking about her?
I'm thinking about all those nights and everything.
And whether I can borrow some fucking money, because seriously, man, I needed this job.
Thank you so much for everything you do.
I know it doesn't seem like I appreciate all of it, but I definitely do.
Wow, you kind of seem like you're in on this whole thing from the very beginning.
So, mom, I want to say thank you for everything that you've done.
I love you very much.
You've been there through thick and thin.
I think she's having a fucking stroke.
But yeah, it's almost like a child is for life and not just for Christmas.
My mom is just awesome.
There's only one way to end this video appropriately.
I'd like Mr. Bill Burr to play us out.
She's giving her this big ridiculous intro.
Like, she's done this, she's done that, she's done this, and she does the most difficult job on the planet.
She's the mother, and continues on immediately.
I just look at my girlfriend, like, like, really?
Being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet.
Oh, yeah, all those mothers who die every year from black lung from inhaling all that coal dust.
Dude, women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are, and no one corrects them because they want tornado of like misinformation.
Hey, the most difficult job on the planet.
What would you rather be doing?
Drilling to the center of the earth, shaking hands with the devil.
Every time there's a rumble in the ground, you wait for the whole thing to collapse down on top of you so they can write that folk song about you, you know?
Would you rather be up in the sunshine running around with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed anytime you want on some sort of trumped-up charges, right?
Because you want to have a drink and watch the prices right?
You know what I mean?
I couldn't believe it.
It's the most difficult job on the planet.
Oh, yeah.
I thought roofing in the middle of July is a redhead.
I thought that that was the.
But these mothers are bending over at the waist, putting DVDs into DVD players.
I don't know how they do it.
I don't know how they do it.
Dude, any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job.
All right?
Get break.
Jesus Christ, you're 35 years old playing hide and go seek.
You're living the dream.
You're living the dream.
No time card, no taxes.
You're off the fing print.
They can pops at those stick houses.
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