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March 14, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
12:14
Lena Dunham, comedienne extraordinaire!
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You guys, this is so much fun.
I'm so glad we stopped talking about it and actually had a jewelry party.
If I didn't tell you it was fun, how else would you know?
And it looks like Claire's purchased the first five items.
I like to sparkle.
Nothing's funnier than watching a morbidly obese woman trying to fill the void in her life left by her inability to find a partner.
Guys, can I say I love this Yuri party?
It's so fun!
And thanks, Juke, for letting me bring my boyfriends, Bruce.
Yeah, I guess I didn't realize I'd be the only male.
Oh, Bruce, you're a card.
Of course, you'll be the only male.
None of these women have boyfriends or husbands.
Well, we love having you, and we especially love Marisol.
She's brought so much joy to our office.
Yeah, she's the bad one.
Hey, you guys, stole.
It's too much.
You're too mes, we have.
Okay, now, how did you two meet?
Okay, I was in a beauty party in Venezuela.
I didn't know it, okay?
But he saw on the internet and he lied.
He just not like, he loved.
He was emailing or appluring for mass, and I say, no, I'm not interested, you know, because I normally go for big guys, like a massive guy, not like a little skinny guy, you know.
But he was so persistent, and so I let him bring me to USA.
Oh, because everyone knows that Latin women are thoroughly unsophisticated and dumb.
And they can't do anything.
Anything at all.
Oh, that's so sweet.
And what do you do, Bruce?
If I told you, you'd honestly be bored to tears.
Quickest way to say it is I'm a grassroots activist.
He is a men's right activist.
Oh, you crazy Latin women.
So dumb.
So dumb.
Totally unable to think for themselves.
Men's rights activists.
You're not one of those guys that like holds weird rallies about discrimination against men, are you?
No, I'm one of those people who holds weird rallies about the color of toys and toy shops.
I have, but only when the weather was nice.
I'm kidding.
We hold them Rainer Shark.
Who's here?
Bruce, a good guy, huh?
But let's not talk about my job.
Let's talk about my girlfriend who is very bonita.
I'd actually love to talk more about your job, Bruce.
Because I'm one of those assholes who likes to force people to do things they don't want to do.
I'm the sort of person who will invite someone into my house and then have the group ridicule them because I'm so fucking insecure.
Come on, Bruce, why'd you be so chai?
He fights the equal pace of men's and women.
Bruce, you fight against equal pay for men and women.
Yeah, Bruce.
Do you really think that?
Just because so many women graduate with gender studies degrees doesn't mean they deserve to get paid less than like a STEM field.
I mean, that gender studies degree is definitely worth as much money as say an advanced physics degree.
I fight for the right to be paid more if you're a man.
Wow, this is the first time I've ever heard someone say that.
And it's on a feminist parody of all things.
Hmm.
I wonder if there's a coincidence there.
Now, would you guys call this a chunky necklace?
So, Bruce, you're saying men should be paid more than women.
Well, no, of course not.
I mean, those gender studies degrees are going to help us colonize Mars within the next three years.
So how could I possibly think that someone with, say, you know, an astrophysics degree should be paid more than someone who did women's studies.
I think that women should get all the money and run the how well that's what I think too, 100%.
Oh, Latin women, you're so dumb.
No, I don't think it is, Bruce.
Yeah, Bruce.
She doesn't think it is.
She doesn't think you think women should have all of the money and run the whole world.
What are you?
Some kind of misogynist?
Huh?
What are you saying?
Well, Marisol, he's saying some things that we don't all agree with.
Yeah, you dumb Latin bitch.
And if there's one thing that you don't understand about the Femborg Collective, it's that we have a shared group mind.
And we all agree on all of the same things all of the time.
But you wouldn't know that because you're stupid and Latin.
Yeah, Bruce, let me guess.
When you were 18, a girl broke your heart, and that's how you got into your male activism.
Yeah, Bruce.
It's nothing to do with the false statistics that feminists use to try and imply that men get paid more than women.
And it's nothing to do with the women's life choices that they get paid less than men.
Absolutely none.
It's fucking misogyny, Bruce.
Are you in favor of misogyny?
Do you want to hate women?
You want to see all women dead, don't you, Bruce?
You're a fucking monster.
That is an accurate description, yes.
Bruce, Bruce, tell them the good things you do.
He shut down two bad organizations.
All right, he said.
I was part of a larger movement than two planet parahoos!
What?
Bruce, you shut down two planned parenthoods?
Oh, on top of everything, you're a fucking Christian as well, Bruce.
My group did, yes.
Hey, boopy child!
He the top banana!
That's what he told me!
I the top banana!
I was yumping on a bed with his little army, yeah.
I shot down a pad plate!
I shot down a pad plate!
Marty Sol, do you know what planned parenthood is?
Jace, what is it?
Don't forget to explain it very slowly and clearly for the stupid Latina.
It's a place where women can go for low cost.
It is.
I am so upset right now.
I'd be upset if I flubbed my line too.
It's a place where women can go for low-cost medical advice and care.
And absolutely nothing else at all.
It isn't a place where women go to get their irresponsible decisions terminated.
What?
To hate women?
That's a good place.
Yeah.
Any Catholic Venezuelan girl would be totally down for a walk-in, walk-out abortion clinic.
That's a good place, Bruce.
What if I bought everyone here one of these necklaces?
Does that make us blame them?
Okay, okay, I gotta say something.
I wanna say something.
Before you do, I acknowledge that you are very out of my league and that I have deceived you by omission.
Oh, Bruce, you're not the only person here who's guilty of deceiving someone by omission.
Bruce, okay.
I know it's a law tonight.
Look, my boyfriend, Bruce, is not the base guy.
Yes, I think that's becoming apparent.
She says, without a hint of irony.
But he has always been nice to me and that means a lot.
Oh, thank God.
Mayor Sol.
I am you.
I am loco for you.
Before you, I was um Virgino.
Is clear?
Okay, but I'm not physically attracted to you, okay?
As much as I hate to break the piss-taking here, she's not exactly attractive.
I actually find her very plain, and he looks pretty average, so they look like a perfect match.
But I'm sure that she used to date, I don't know, Brad Pitt.
Like, I miss that masu guys.
You know, and sex with you is no good.
You can't leave me.
I cannot.
You know, I don't like Jubari.
Yes.
I don't like Juve.
So I think that may be just a go, okay?
At least we've settled the debate of who the shallow sex is here.
Okay, bye-bye.
Goodbye, Marisol.
Bye, bye.
Goodbye, women.
Thank you for this fine jewelry party.
Marisol, I will leave you the car and walk home.
Why the fuck would you do that, man?
She's just publicly humiliated you.
Why would you do her any fucking favours?
Chivalry's dead.
Women killed it.
She can fucking walk home.
That's her problem now.
She's just split up with you.
Why would you do anything chivalrous for this shallow tramp who was just using you for a visa?
Jesus Christ.
This is like some kind of feminist fantasy where they get to put men's rights activists in their place, and then the men's rights activists will just collapse in on themselves and go, oh, you were right.
Women are perfect in every way and should have everything I own.
I don't know anything about men's rights activism.
It's got the word activism in it, and so I'm not interested.
But I can't imagine anyone on earth just giving away their car after they get dumped.
Okay, thanks you, Bruce!
You gonna be okay, Mariso?
Oh, yes.
If there's one person who needs sympathy in this scene, it's the dumb Latina, isn't it?
Oh, Jake, you know what?
It's gonna be better because I don't like his porn because he has turos and he smell bang.
He has what?
He looks like turos.
Like a turo.
He's a slow turo.
And he smells bad.
Oh, turtles.
She means charges.
I definitely would have laughed at that when I was five years old.
Someone smelly.
Ha ha ha.
But it's okay because we're gonna find a masu guy.
Yeah, masu guy.
And they say women aren't funny.
Seriously though, I mean, this was the most pathetic and juvenile and mean-spirited thing I've ever seen.
I mean, if I were going to parody any other group, I wouldn't do it like this.
Even feminists, right?
I know I take the piss a lot.
A lot.
And I'm quite mean with a lot of it.
But at any point, they can say, look, I think we'd gone too far.
Maybe we were wrong.
We got caught up in it.
And, you know, it was, you know, a sort of self-reinforcing cycle.
And I didn't mean it.
But the point is, it was all about personal choice.
These people chose to be dickheads.
These people chose not to use their brains.
And at any point, they could start using their brains.
But these people are making jokes about physical appearance, smell, you know, and just all these really petty and shallow things that a person is born with.
And, you know, they don't really have the option of changing.
These jokes wouldn't be appropriate if you were a child in school.
You know, you'd have someone go, oh, don't be a dick, man.
You know, that's, you know, it'd be like taking the piss out of a kid in a wheelchair.
It's like, what was he going to do?
Get up and walk?
Stop being a cock.
You know, you're being a dick, not the person, you know, the person in the wheelchair, that's not funny.
You know, that's just something that you should kind of be a bit sympathetic about.
And that's the thing about this whole thing.
I mean, I don't know who the fuck Lena Dunham is, apart from when I took the piss out of Jezebel.com for being a bunch of idiots.
And now I wish I had known.
I wish I had actually done some research into Lena Dunham.
And I imagine I'll probably be taking the piss out of her more in future.
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