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Feb. 11, 2014 - Sargon of Akkad - Carl Benjamin
23:15
Jezebel.com has lost the plot
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Time Text
Welcome gentle viewer.
I would like you to join me on a journey into the dark heart of madness as we explore Jezebel.com.
So, um Jezebel is an interesting name.
Jezebel was a biblical princess of Tyre who was married to King Ahab of Israel and was a very bad influence on him and had built up such a negative depth of feeling against herself that when he died in battle she was killed by defenstration and then fed to dogs.
So this is a bold move.
Especially given the duplicitous nature of Jezebel herself.
You wouldn't really want to be associated with a person like her.
And interestingly, the character herself isn't really very sexual.
She's far more deceitful and conniving.
And she's clearly a woman who has manipulated her husband to commit murder, amongst other things.
So I'm surprised, and it is very, very interesting.
Right, let's have a look at Jezebel.com then.
Okay, I'll be honest.
I don't really know what I'm looking at here.
These icons along the top probably mean something to the target audience of the site, but they don't mean a whole lot to me.
I don't know who Rebel Wilson and Anna Kendrick are.
I also don't know who Nikki Minja is, or why her taking off her wig in a selfie is particularly important.
I do appreciate the nipple through the shirt, though.
That's excellent.
Okay, so none of this is really important.
So let's scroll down a bit and see if we can find something that looks like it's worth clicking on.
Lulu Man to make men's yoga pants because God either loves or hates you.
Hmm.
Interesting.
Hmm.
Pissed bride sues over wet terrible wedding video with applause track.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Freaked out by Rachel Frederickson's biggest loser win.
Read this.
Hmm.
Generous Texas man pays off entire elementary school's lunch debt.
Hmm.
I have never seen a better collection of banal bullshit in all my life.
What the fuck is this pointless crap?
I don't want to click on any of this.
Why would anyone want to click on any of this?
None of this okay, uh right, okay, no, no, no, I I'm being far too negative.
I'm definitely going to have a look at um just go for the yoga pants.
Just just do the yoga pants.
Oh, that picture's from Robin Hood Men in Tights.
I love that film.
Since I don't know what Lulu Mon is, I can only go from the description I'm given here.
And apparently it's a store that gives you the opportunity to pay upwards of ninety dollars to have strangers see your ass crack and is branching out into new ass crack demographics.
I honestly didn't even know there was a market for this outside of prostitution.
Anyway, she bitches inconsequentially about the price and quality of these horrible pieces of clothing that I don't know why she would bother because clearly she's not planning on buying them.
And then goes on to say that uh this company has said that fatties don't deserve yoga pants, but in their defence, who really does deserve yoga pants?
Kinda sounds like there's a little bit of entitlement going on in there.
You know, if someone deserves something, they are certainly entitled to it.
I think we'd better check this out.
So the most the most evident problem with really fat people wearing stretch pants is that the more they stretch, the less dense they are.
And the less dense they are, the more transparent they are.
And so it turns out that this company have had a lot of complaints because it may, their yoga pants kind of make really fat people look like they're naked.
Which is exactly what you want really fat people to look like.
I can believe they've had complaints.
Now, co-founder of Lulumon, Chip Wilson, opened his big fat white heteronormative mouth and put his foot right in it.
Chip Wilson said, there has always been pilling.
The thing is that women will wear a seatbelt that don't work, or they'll wear a purse that doesn't work, or, quite frankly, some women's bodies don't work for it.
Ooh, indeed, Chip.
What are you thinking, man?
You can't tell fat women they can't do something because they deserve this.
They deserve it.
Do you understand, Chip?
Deserve it.
They deserve those stretch pants, Chip.
Get with the program.
Sort this out.
We do not need to go to Mars.
We will contact NASA.
We will get some space-age goddamn stretch fabrics that don't make ridiculously fat women look naked when they're wearing stretch pants.
But no, Chip doesn't listen and it gets worse.
They don't work for certain some women's bodies, Wilson continued, for some unknown fucking reason.
When host Trish Reagan asked if he asked if he trying to sorry, it's hard to read this accurately because it's full of mistakes.
When host Trish Reagan asked if he trying to explain away the sheer pants fiasco by blaming them extra large asses, Wilson swiftly denied it, because he was dancing on hot coals at this point.
I don't think that, because even our small sizes would fit an extra large.
Oh, Chip, are you about to start man-splaining?
Or, in English, explaining?
It's really about the rubbing through the thighs.
Ah, Chip, now you're telling them they've got to have a thigh gap.
You know women this big are not going to have a goddamn thigh gap.
What are you talking about?
How much pressure is there over a period of time and how much they use it?
Chip, these all sound like reasonable things to bring up and maybe contributing factors.
But at the end of the day, you're being a real dick to these women, apparently, by telling them that the laws of physics do not favour them being enormously fat.
Would you please spare a thought for their feelings?
Reality has no place here, and why should it?
Okay, so we've covered how fat people are definitely entitled to wear any kind of clothes they want.
So let's see what other kind of topics Jezebel.com covers.
Alright, relationship advice.
I cannot wait to find out what kind of relationship advice these people are going to give.
Not to exaggerate too terribly much, but we're all hyperbolic as fuck now.
How very self-aware of you, Jezebel.
You could have just put, we are all hyperbolic as fuck, though.
So what this cod swallop is, is this article is about how some thing called the Good Men Project has made an article called Newsflash You're Not Special Through Going For a Bad Breakup because God knows that every woman who goes through a bad breakup is indeed very special.
It's a very unique thing.
No people have ever gone through any kind of bad split before and even if they have, fuck them, they don't know how it feels.
So the basic premise is that some guy called Ward Anderson posits that the use of the word has got out of hand.
The use of the word survivor.
And he says people going through divorces shouldn't claim they survived anything or be applauded because to the contrary to what they seem to think by using such a term, they are not in fact special or unique snowflakes or any other thing that signifies being worthy of such a word.
Everyone goes through breakups, he tsks, which I'm pretty sure is real journalistic language.
Most of them are bad.
In fact, over half of marriages end in divorce and nearly all relationships will end.
So get over yourself.
That's good advice.
Oh, wait.
Not according to Jezebel.
Because reasonable points have made so far, Jezebel obviously has to respond with unrestrained female insanity.
Huh, where to start?
Yes, where to start indeed.
There is so much wrong.
There are so many feelings unaddressed there.
Okay, let's get on with this.
Well, for onesies, because proper journalistic language, people don't say they survived because they feel special.
They say it because they feel they survived something terrible.
Well, I'm sure that breaking up with your significant other is as dangerous as crashing a plane into the mountains.
And so I'm sure you feel completely justified by using the term survivor.
A term that directly implies that there was a risk of death.
Because why not?
Why wouldn't you just throw yourself to the wind and go absolutely crazy?
Indulge these feelings as much as you can.
Don't possibly try and get a grip on reality.
So they go on to say that most people will endure a divorce and a breakup.
But it doesn't matter how common it is.
Then why bring it up?
It's one of the top stresses for everyone over the course of a non-robot life.
The frequency of a thing across all humans has no bearing to the degree of which it sucks.
Why are you making points that disprove your arguments, Jezebel?
These are top stresses, apparently.
And apparently they suck.
They really suck.
It's so sucky that they have to tell us that when it's over, it can be devastating.
Devastating.
Are you devastated?
Have you ever been devastated?
You probably survived something, then.
Survived it.
For some reason, Ward Anderson doesn't know how to shut the fuck up, and then proceeds to go on and make the point that if it wasn't dangerous, you're not a survivor.
Jezebel is obviously not happy about all this.
And so they go on to say, if you really feel like you survived a terrible, devastating breakup, you can say so.
The thing is, if you do say, I survived a terrible breakup, I'm such a survivor, then people will probably think you're mental.
People will think you're unable to control yourself, and they will think that maybe, just maybe, they may assume that you live in the first world.
The comments are exactly what you would expect from a site like this.
They are literally the most selfish things I've ever seen in my life, and really do not give a good account of the women who make them.
For example, this one by Dolly RKR.
Yeah, my position is that divorce is the worst thing a human can go through.
I'd prefer that my husband died and I could cherish his memory and grieve and move on, rather than feel like I can never trust it again.
And I have to hate the person I loved most in the whole world because the man who promised to love me forever lied and broke my heart.
Right, because someone upset you, you think that divorce is now worse than, I don't know, rape.
I thought you thought rape was worst.
Anyway, it's the worst thing in the world.
It's worse than being tortured by the Viet Cong.
It's worse than it's worse than anything you could possibly imagine.
And now you have to hate him.
You can't just let it go.
You can't be pleased that now he's happy, which I thought was a sign of real love.
No, you have to be a really, really selfish bitch, which I'm guessing is the reason that he left you in the first place.
Thrag says, and you left a really important kind out, emotional abuse.
That doesn't break your body, but it breaks your spirit.
And some people never come back from that.
Oh my god, breathing hard, can't cry I'm at work.
Thank you for pointing this out.
I love you.
I get the feeling that Thrag doesn't really have a very important job.
User Is Leely has clearly spent too much time around men.
She says, your first two paragraphs, second especially, take the opposite position from the rest of the piece.
It's okay to use survivor non-literally, but not stalker.
Luckily, user Smarty is here to reinforce the collective groupthink of this by pointing out that despite the fact that the words used directly contradict this, she thinks it is a legitimate literal use of the term survivor.
And shut the fuck up, Isley.
That sounded like a thought that might be going against the group.
And that actually segues us nicely into a section of Jezebel.
And that section is actually called Groupthink.
That's right.
Groupthink.jezabel.com.
So what's the big deal?
I mean, what is groupthink exactly?
Groupthink is a psychological phenomenon that occurs when a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an incorrect or deviant decision-making outcome.
Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative ideas or viewpoints and by isolating themselves from outside influences.
Loyalty to the group requires individuals to avoid raising controversial or alternative solutions, and there is a loss of individual creativity, uniqueness, and independent thinking.
The dysfunctional group dynamics of the in-group produces an illusion of invulnerability, an inflated certainty that the right decision has been made.
Thus, the in-group significantly overrates their own abilities and decision-making and significantly underrates the abilities of their opponents, the out-group.
Well, I don't know about you, but I think groupthink is the sort of thing that any sensible, sane, and forward-thinking community would certainly adopt.
I think that I would definitely make a website with a section called Groupthink on it.
I imagine this is right next to the re-education section, shortly after the We Must Monitor Everyone Just In Case They Have a Thought section.
Why anyone would want to reclaim a word like Groupthink is absolutely beyond me.
I mean, did they just hear it in passing one time and thought, hey, that sounds like a scientific word.
Let's use that to give ourselves the aura of credibility that we so crave.
I d I just don't know what to say about this.
Why would you so publicly make yourselves look like idiots?
Why would you go out of your way?
I mean, they could have just put discussion.jezbel.com.
And it would have had the same exactly the same sort of effect without making them look mental.
And the thing is, I'm genuinely baffled as to why anyone would willingly portray themselves this way.
Why they would admit in public to taking part in groupthink.
It makes you sound like you are in a cult.
It makes you sound indoctrinated and brainwashed.
So I think we've accurately covered exactly the sort of tone Jezebel has.
So let's go on to the bit I really want to talk about now, which is the scandal.
Jezebel's scandal.
The untouched images from Lena Dunham's Vogue shoot.
If you're anything like me, you have no fucking idea who Lena Dunham is, and you don't care.
You don't read Vogue.
But Jezebel does.
And Jezebel offered $10,000 to see the original of the photo you are currently looking at.
Should we see it?
Do you think it's going to be shocking?
I think it's going to be shocking.
It was worth $10,000 after all.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
Ye gods, I cannot believe they did such dramatic Photoshop work to this woman.
It's almost like this wasn't even worth mentioning.
But Jezebel does have to go psychotically crazy over it.
So they say that within two hours of offering $10,000 for unretouched images, they receive the unaltered images.
As expected, they're great.
Lena looks fantastic.
Aside from the obvious lighting tweaks that any publication would make, the unretouched images are pretty perfect.
Which makes some of the adjustments, slightly narrowing of the jaw, raising a waistline, seem that much more unnecessary.
Why bother?
These slight tweaks, the you look great, but you'd look a little more great if stuff is insidious.
Is it?
God, they'll have you wearing makeup next or something.
So they go on to complain that various images of this woman have been very slightly altered.
In fact, sometimes she's put into entirely new images that she wasn't in originally.
My goodness.
This goes on for far longer than is necessary.
Until they get to this point.
While Dunham has not been radically photoshopped, it's clearer than ever what kind of woman Vogue finds Vogue worthy.
The taller, longer-limbed, svelter version of reality.
Vogue is not interested in reality, of course.
Oh, it's Vogue that isn't interested in reality.
They also go on to complain that it also looks like Dunham and Driver were pasted into an intersection in front of Manhattan's Flaterion building.
A shot we received shows her in a similar pose on his shoulders, but not in the same location.
Doesn't matter.
Vogue puts you where it wants you to be.
In the end, while Dunham's images were not drastically altered, now that is really the argument for not making this article at all, but it's important to remember how unforgiving the media is when it comes to images of women.
Men are generally allowed to have paws and wrinkles.
Women are supposed to be perfect, a state that does not exist.
You are trying.
You're not only trying my patience, but you are trying very hard to create something out of nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Nobody cares if though used a bit of Photoshop on this woman.
And that lack of interest in this story that you've desperately tried to drag and create a problem out of could not be any better typified than in your own commenters, Jezebel.
Let's have a look, shall we?
Jenny Them Apples has the temerity to say, looks like they did a pretty simple edit job.
I've done more retouching on basic portrait work.
Inexcusable, Jenny Them Apples, but that's okay, because Tehelen and Back Again is here to reinforce the group mind and to shame you into getting back on track.
Then you're a crap photographer.
I'm sure you'll agree with me that its genius lies in its simplicity.
Ho Couture says, Jezebel has gotten mean and petty lately, and so have a lot of Jezebel commenters who fancy themselves above the fray.
She waffles on and then goes on to say how I'm getting this full stop, close, full stop to leaving Jazz.
A Basil plant managed to post, Wow, this is the ultimate in concern trolling.
I thought you kind of liked Lena.
How does body-positive Jezebel end up posting unretouched photos with markups to show the bags under someone's eyes and the other imperfections and in any way think that's appropriate?
It's hurtful.
It's mean girl bullshit.
And whether you or not you intended it, Lena is your target here, not vogue.
I'm quite shocked.
To which a Brazil nuts managed to reply, the worst part of this tag is the post under Photoshop of horrors.
What the fuck?
The sheer hypocrisy of this site baffles me.
This is the problem.
This is exactly the problem.
Everything about this feelings-driven bullshit is hypocritical.
It is absolutely hypocritical.
Because it's driven by feelings, and feelings are subjective.
At one point, you might feel one way, at one point, you might feel another.
This is why it is a bad idea to make decisions based on fucking feelings.
Jezebel.com's own audience are calling them crazy and hypocritical.
This is the level of insanity that is enjoyed on Jezebel.com.
It's crazy.
It's absolutely crazy.
I can't think of another word for it.
Why are any of you participating in this bullshit?
Why are any of you going along with it?
Why do you care?
These people are paid to be feminist fucktards.
You are reinforcing and financing it by reading it.
Don't do it.
Avoid it.
It's bullshit.
It's literally bullshit.
You are saying yourselves that it's bullshit.
Cut it out.
Go somewhere else.
Maybe, just maybe, this is all exactly as you describe it.
The thing is, it's a hub of people who don't know how to think for themselves.
And even the rats in the cage are learning this.
Jezebel, you are all going to die alone because you failed to convert the entire world into your radicalist, crazy bullshit.
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