Behind the Bastards - Part Two: Turkmenbashi: The Dictator Who Declared Himself Jesus Aired: 2019-03-28 Duration: 48:02 === Trust Your Girlfriends (02:53) === [00:00:00] This is an iHeart podcast. [00:00:02] Guaranteed human. [00:00:04] When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. [00:00:13] I vowed I will be his last target. [00:00:15] He is not going to get away with this. [00:00:17] He's going to get what he deserves. [00:00:19] We always say that. [00:00:21] Trust your girlfriends. [00:00:24] Listen to the girlfriends. [00:00:25] Trust me, babe. [00:00:26] On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. [00:00:31] I got you. [00:00:32] I got you. [00:00:36] On a recent episode of the podcast Money and Wealth with John O'Brien, I sit down with Tiffany the Bajinista Alicia to talk about what it really takes to take control of your money. [00:00:46] What would that look like in our families if everyone was able to pass on wealth to the people when they're no longer here? [00:00:53] We break down budgeting, financial discipline, and how to build real wealth, starting with the mindset shifts too many of us were never, ever taught. [00:01:02] If you've ever felt you didn't get the memo on money, this conversation is for you to hear more. [00:01:07] Listen to Money and Wealth with John O'Brien from the Black Effect Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. [00:01:18] Ernest, what's up? [00:01:19] Look, money is something we all deal with, but financial literacy is what helps turn income into real wealth. [00:01:24] On each episode of the podcast, Earn Your Leisure, we break down the conversations you need to understand money, investing, and entrepreneurship. [00:01:32] From stocks and real estate to credit, business, and generational wealth, our goal is simple. [00:01:37] Make financial literacy accessible for everyone. [00:01:40] Because when you understand the system, you can start to build within it. [00:01:43] Open your free iHeartRadio app, search Earn Your Leisure, and listen now. [00:01:48] You know the famous author Roald Dahl. [00:01:50] He thought up Willy Wonka and the BFG. [00:01:52] But did you know he was a spy? [00:01:55] Neither did I. You can hear all about his wildlife story in the podcast, The Secret World of Roald Dahl. [00:02:01] All episodes are out now. [00:02:03] Was this before he wrote his stories? [00:02:05] It must have been. [00:02:06] What? [00:02:07] Okay, I don't think that's true. [00:02:08] I'm telling you, the guy was a spy. [00:02:10] Binge all 10 episodes of The Secret World of Roald Dahl. [00:02:13] Now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. [00:02:21] Oh my God. [00:02:22] Oh my God. [00:02:22] The episode started and I don't have an introduction. [00:02:24] Dave, Dave, what do I do? [00:02:25] How do I introduce the episode? [00:02:26] Oh, no. [00:02:27] What is the show? [00:02:28] What are we doing? [00:02:29] It's, oh, God, it's behind. [00:02:31] You're behind something. [00:02:32] The music? [00:02:35] Yeah. [00:02:36] This is Behind the Music, a show where we tell you everything you don't know about the greatest pop hits of the 1990s. [00:02:42] Dave, this is part nine of our series on All-Star, the Hit Smash Mouth song. [00:02:49] Now, what do you think they meant with the line, get your game on, go play? === The Secret World of Roald Dahl (15:55) === [00:02:53] Well, I think it could mean a lot of things, Roberts. [00:02:56] Sophie almost threw pop-tarts at me there. [00:02:59] I'm Robert Evans' Behind the Bastards, of course, the show where we tell you everything you don't know about the very worst people in all of history. [00:03:05] I am, I've switched out my bubbly for a Dr. Zevia. [00:03:08] Much better drink. [00:03:09] Can I get a little? [00:03:10] Yeah, continue to pour it over the expensive recording equipment into your LaCroix. [00:03:15] Into my. [00:03:16] Oh, hold on. [00:03:19] I got a sweater. [00:03:21] I can stop it up. [00:03:22] Mop that up with your sweater, Dave. [00:03:24] This is so draft. [00:03:26] This is great. [00:03:28] I think we're okay. [00:03:29] We're fine. [00:03:30] It wasn't odd. [00:03:32] Almost spilled my drink cleaning that up. [00:03:34] We're okay. [00:03:35] It's all right. [00:03:35] We're doing great. [00:03:36] I don't know why people put us in a room together. [00:03:39] Sophie's really close to throwing those pop-tarts. [00:03:42] Great podcast content. [00:03:44] And great LaCroix. [00:03:45] The people in their cars really enjoy that. [00:03:47] Daniel, our audio engineer, is not livid. [00:03:52] This is the fourth set of thumbs up he's given us, which is a good sign. [00:03:55] We're on the right track. [00:03:57] Sophie's punching her fist. [00:03:59] I guess let's talk about the dictator of Turkmenistan some more. [00:04:03] Let's get back into it. [00:04:05] So, as you might guess, 9-11 was a very dangerous time to be both a New Yorker and an ostensibly Muslim dictator in a country anywhere near Afghanistan. [00:04:14] Neither of those were safe things to be on 9-11. [00:04:17] So, Niyazov made what was in retrospect the major mistake in the 1990s of engaging in substantial trade deals with the Taliban, mainly so he could run pipelines through their country. [00:04:27] As soon as the towers fell, Turkmenbashi reversed his stance on the Taliban and agreed to let the Pentagon use his country as a gigantic airstrip to prepare for the invasion of Afghanistan. [00:04:36] Oh, smart move. [00:04:38] Yeah. [00:04:38] Now, I haven't kept up on the invasion of Afghanistan since the early 2000s, but I assume it went well. [00:04:42] Yeah, I think I figured that wrapped up in a few months. [00:04:45] Yeah, it seems like the kind of thing that would get handled pretty quickly. [00:04:48] It didn't get out. [00:04:49] Yeah, yeah. [00:04:49] You know what I love about our wars is the defined endpoints. [00:04:52] Yeah. [00:04:53] That's the best part about how we do war in America. [00:04:55] Oh, absolutely. [00:04:55] So good at endpoints. [00:04:57] Yeah. [00:04:58] We're like lost the TV show of countries. [00:05:01] Yeah, exactly. [00:05:01] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:05:02] Just a couple seasons and you're done. [00:05:04] Just a couple seasons and you're done. [00:05:06] Tell a quick, concise story. [00:05:08] Now, helping America bomb a neutral country has always been a lucrative endeavor for the dictators who let us do it. [00:05:13] Turkmenbashi benefited mightily for his help. [00:05:16] During Clinton's time, Turkmenistan had barely rated $600,000 a year in military aid. [00:05:21] By 2003, after giving the U.S. access to Turkmen airspace and some land rights, that aid topped $19.2 million. [00:05:29] Yeah, it's like a 30-something times increase. [00:05:32] So smart decision, letting us bomb other people from your country after 9-11. [00:05:37] It's an easy fix. [00:05:38] It's an easy fix. [00:05:40] Now, President Bush was happy to offer this dictator a security alliance, which Niyazov used to crush what little resistance remained to his reign. [00:05:47] There really wasn't much, though. [00:05:48] And when Turkmenbashi finally saw major unrest, it would come in the form of one of his highest officials, Boris Shikhmuradov. [00:05:55] At that time, the Turkmen ambassador to China, which is a really important job in Turkmenistan because China's kind of like your big trading partner in that area. [00:06:04] Like, pretty important to be in good terms with China. [00:06:07] So, this guy is a high-up official. [00:06:09] His nightmare came to life when his ambassador to China, Boris Shikhmuradov, resigned and began denouncing his regime. [00:06:15] He claimed that Turkmenbashi had ordered dissidents tortured and executed, that he'd rigged elections, and that he'd embezzled billions of dollars in government funds to his personal bank account. [00:06:23] Now, Turkmen, yeah. [00:06:25] He's not wrong. [00:06:25] He's not wrong. [00:06:26] Yeah. [00:06:26] And Turkmenbashi responded by accusing Boris of embezzling tens of millions of dollars, which is also probably not wrong. [00:06:32] Yeah. [00:06:32] Yeah. [00:06:33] Probably both embezzling. [00:06:34] Oh, yeah. [00:06:35] This is just everything's blowing up now. [00:06:37] Everybody's pointing fingers. [00:06:39] It's like that gif of Spider-Man pointing at Spider-Man. [00:06:41] Yeah. [00:06:42] That's what's happening here. [00:06:44] Now, Shikhmuradov went to Europe and became the international symbol of resistance to Niyazov's reign. [00:06:50] Nothing happened for a while, and no resistance rose up from inside the country, but Shikhmuradov was sort of a thorn in his side, like always going around the world talking about how terrible things were in Turkmenistan and trying to get people. [00:07:02] This is the period where the U.S. is overthrowing a couple of dictators, so he's trying to be like, overthrow this guy. [00:07:07] Maybe put me in charge. [00:07:09] Overthrow this guy. [00:07:10] Right. [00:07:10] He's one of those people. [00:07:12] Seems like it. [00:07:13] He may have been. [00:07:14] And again, this. [00:07:14] Yeah. [00:07:15] It just goes back to the, there's corruption. [00:07:17] Yeah. [00:07:18] I'll do it. [00:07:19] I'll fix the corruption. [00:07:21] Yeah. [00:07:22] No, don't have anyone ever be in charge of anything because people are bad at being in charge of countries. [00:07:26] Yes. [00:07:27] Have people be in charge of, like, it makes sense for a person to be in charge of a power plant. [00:07:32] Makes sense for people to be in charge of a factory or one goal. [00:07:37] Yeah. [00:07:38] People shouldn't be in charge of something like a country. [00:07:40] It never works out. [00:07:41] Yeah. [00:07:42] It's bad 100% of the time. [00:07:44] Yeah. [00:07:46] Sorry, my radical politics infecting this history podcast. [00:07:50] Burn it all down. [00:07:50] Just burn it all down. [00:07:51] Burn. [00:07:52] No, just burn all the leaders down. [00:07:53] Sure. [00:07:54] Yeah. [00:07:54] Burn the leaders down. [00:07:56] Use the ashes of their bodies to grow potatoes. [00:07:59] Oh. [00:08:00] Yeah. [00:08:00] That's delightful. [00:08:01] I feel like if there's one thing we need more of, it's potatoes. [00:08:04] It would be like you could sell a brand dictators. [00:08:08] Oh my God, Dave, you nailed it. [00:08:11] I know I did. [00:08:12] I felt that one coming from my gut. [00:08:15] It would be perfect. [00:08:16] It's one of those jokes that like shifts the firmament of the universe. [00:08:19] It's so appropriate. [00:08:21] Oh, boy. [00:08:22] I, I, that tickles me. [00:08:24] Oh, we got to go into business. [00:08:27] We got to go into business. [00:08:28] I wonder where they buried Saddam. [00:08:31] Oh, I mean, could find out. [00:08:33] We could find out. [00:08:34] And if we don't, we could lie and say we did. [00:08:36] Exactly, because who's going to know? [00:08:37] Yeah. [00:08:38] Exactly. [00:08:38] Perfect. [00:08:39] Oh, man. [00:08:39] I even know some people we could bribe in that part of the day. [00:08:42] Anyway, once Turkmen Bashi had kind of put the kibosh on this, essentially accused this guy who had, you know, risen up against him of being corrupt, he sort of figured that was it for a while. [00:08:53] And he went back to his favorite pastime of being a lunatic. [00:08:56] In August of 2002, at the annual session of the People's Council, Turkmen Bashi announced that he was renaming all of the months. [00:09:05] I mean, why not? [00:09:05] At this point, why not? [00:09:07] Why not rename the months? [00:09:08] Yeah, fuck it. [00:09:09] January was renamed. [00:09:10] Can you guess what he named January? [00:09:12] I assume after himself. [00:09:13] Yeah, you got it. [00:09:15] January was Turkmen Bashi. [00:09:17] February was Flag. [00:09:19] April was named after his mother. [00:09:20] Okay. [00:09:21] Apparently, because the month April signifies growth. [00:09:24] And May was named after his favorite poet. [00:09:26] Now, as a fellow writer, Dave, you know how creative flow works. [00:09:29] Once you're really focused and you're putting out good work, you don't want to stop sometimes. [00:09:34] You know, even if you like finish the project, you just start something else because you're like, well, I'm never, I'm, you know, it's rare to get in this headspace. [00:09:39] Oh, yeah. [00:09:39] You really want to take advantage of it. [00:09:41] And I think Turkmenbashi got caught up in that headspace a little bit because right after renaming all the months, he decided to rename all the days of the week. [00:09:48] Sure. [00:09:48] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:09:49] You got to keep that going. [00:09:50] You might as well. [00:09:52] Now, Monday was renamed Beginning Day. [00:09:54] Tuesday was Young Day. [00:09:56] Should have been fun day. [00:09:57] Should have been fun day. [00:09:58] Wednesday was Good Day. [00:10:00] Thursday was Blessed Day. [00:10:02] Friday was Mother Day. [00:10:03] Saturday and Sunday were soul and recovery day, respectively. [00:10:07] Recovery Day makes sense. [00:10:08] Recovery Day makes. [00:10:09] Especially since Saturday, Soul Day was also the day that everyone in the country was supposed to read his book. [00:10:15] So you really need some recovery after that. [00:10:18] Now, after no debate, the Parliament and the People's Council ratified all these changes to the names of the days and months. [00:10:23] This basic method, Turkmen Bashi making a declaration and then changing suddenly huge aspects of daily life in an instant, happened with increasing regularity in the early 2000s. [00:10:33] When Turkmenbashi learned that the traffic police were extorting bribes from motorists, he fired them all and replaced them with army recruits. [00:10:39] Sure. [00:10:40] Sure. [00:10:41] That's going to work out, right? [00:10:42] Fine. [00:10:43] A bunch of new guys with guns directing traffic with no training? [00:10:48] I don't see how that could fail. [00:10:50] I don't see how that could work out badly. [00:10:52] He also continued to shower Turkmenistan with the blessings of his wisdom. [00:10:56] Here's the book Inside Central Asia. [00:10:58] Inspired by what he believed to be a semi-divine revelation, he decreed that the life of a Turkmen consisted of nine stages of 12 years each, starting with childhood and progressing through adolescence, youth, maturity, what he called the prophetic stage, and then from age 61 to 62, the inspirational stage, which just happened to be his age at the time. [00:11:17] Wisdom and old age followed, ending with the Oguz Khan stage at age 109. [00:11:22] Oguz Khan was the legendary founder of the Turkmen nation, like the Romulus. [00:11:27] He divides life up in all these stages, ending at 109. [00:11:31] So that's how long you're supposed to live. [00:11:32] So he's at this point, he's now defining aging. [00:11:36] Yeah, he's. [00:11:36] I'm surprised he's not personally naming every citizen at this point. [00:11:40] He's pretty big lying outside. [00:11:43] I did run into a bummer of a fact that's not related to him, but it's related to culture in Turkmenistan. [00:11:48] It's one of those places where people don't want to have too many girls because there's a lot of social cachet and having too many boys. [00:11:54] And so one of the most common names for girls is literally the word enough. [00:11:59] Jesus. [00:12:01] If you've had too many girls, you name your girl enough. [00:12:04] Or like, there's another one that translates like, please, God, stop. [00:12:08] Why even? [00:12:09] Yeah, it's pretty fucked up. [00:12:10] That is fucked up because it's like, you know, is that like they're setting a reminder? [00:12:14] Like, okay, this is the last one. [00:12:15] They're telling God, like, we're done. [00:12:17] We have enough girls. [00:12:18] Jeez. [00:12:19] Yeah. [00:12:23] But that one's not on Turkmen Bashi. [00:12:25] I think that's just some culture needs to wake up a little bit on women's issues, maybe. [00:12:31] Yeah. [00:12:31] Yeah. [00:12:32] People are terrible. [00:12:33] People are terrible and have been forever and are everywhere. [00:12:36] Yeah. [00:12:36] Now, on the 25th of November, 2002, attackers in three vehicles ambushed President Niyazov's motorcade, firing on it with machine guns. [00:12:44] Several of his guards were wounded as they fought off the attack. [00:12:46] President Niyazov, inside his armored vehicle, reportedly did not notice he had been attacked until he arrived at the office later that day. [00:12:53] Oh, I'm glad he's all right. [00:12:55] You were worried. [00:12:56] I could see. [00:12:56] I was worried a little bit. [00:12:57] In the immediate wake of the attack, Turkmen Bashi declared that the shooters were, quote, hired, given weapons, and sent to carry out the shooting. [00:13:04] They got high and tried to carry out their orders. [00:13:06] Punishment will be brought to them, but they are not the ones who bear the main responsibility. [00:13:10] You want to guess who bears the main responsibility? [00:13:13] Is it that guy? [00:13:14] It's that guy and a bunch of Turkmen dissidents who all lived in foreign countries. [00:13:17] Okay. [00:13:18] None of whom lived in the country. [00:13:19] I mean, this is smart. [00:13:20] He thought of it. [00:13:21] It's a good opportunity to pin the blame. [00:13:24] Well, and it may not have actually happened. [00:13:26] Oh, okay. [00:13:27] I mean, the shooting itself happened. [00:13:30] He didn't notice, apparently, so it didn't happen for him. [00:13:32] Yeah, yeah. [00:13:33] And he declared Boris Shikhmuridov to be behind it all. [00:13:35] But Radio Free Europe, which is just so there's, is a U.S. government-funded organization that reports from inside non-democratic countries with no press freedom, but it is a government-funded country. [00:13:45] So it's one of those things where, like, they're definitely towing the U.S. government line, but they also often have good sources inside countries like Turmanistan. [00:13:52] But take it with a grain of whatever you take a U.S. government-funded journalism institute as, you know. [00:13:59] Anyway, Radio Free Europe talked to all of the accused dissidents and also to several other sources in the country, and they posited a counter theory about what happened. [00:14:07] Quote, the former deputy prime minister and national bank had denied any role in the attack and said the assassination attempt, which allegedly took place as Niyazov was being driven to work, seemed strange. [00:14:17] Niyazov has two vehicles, a Mercedes and a Jeep. [00:14:20] Both have double-plate armor. [00:14:21] These vehicles cannot be destroyed by machine guns or even rocket-propelled grenades. [00:14:25] Think for a minute. [00:14:26] The alleged attackers let Niyazov go by, then they blocked the road in front of the police following Niyazov. [00:14:31] If the plan had worked, it wouldn't have been for eliminating Niyazov. [00:14:34] So basically, the allegation is that he faked an assassination attempt. [00:14:38] False flag. [00:14:38] A false flag. [00:14:39] Inside job. [00:14:39] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:14:40] Which, yeah, maybe. [00:14:42] Right. [00:14:43] I mean, he saw 9-11. [00:14:45] He was like, well, that's a false inside job. [00:14:47] Exactly. [00:14:48] And we all know that 9-11 was an inside job. [00:14:50] Exactly. [00:14:50] Absolutely. [00:14:51] Because jet fuel cannot melt steel beams. [00:14:54] No, I can't melt anything. [00:14:55] It's just jet fuel. [00:14:58] That's why I use it for hair pomade. [00:15:01] You can drink it. [00:15:01] You can drink it? [00:15:02] Oh, man. [00:15:02] Yeah, that's what most doctors say. [00:15:04] A pint of jet fuel a day keeps your insides from becoming steel beams. [00:15:08] I mean, you certainly won't have any other worries medically after that. [00:15:13] After drinking your daily pint of jet fuel? [00:15:16] Your problems are all set after that. [00:15:19] So if Niyazov's goal was to use the assassination attempt as an excuse to crush the tiny amount of resistance that remained in his own country, it worked. [00:15:26] Shikhmuridov turned himself in to stop his family from being horribly tortured, or at least horribly tortured anymore than they'd already been horribly tortured. [00:15:35] A few days later, he showed up on state TV, clearly drugged, and admitted to attempting to orchestrate a coup. [00:15:40] He thanked Niyazov for the mercy that he'd shown in not executing them all, and also thanked the great leader for his compassionate spiritual guidance. [00:15:48] That's a real bummer. [00:15:49] That's a real bummer. [00:15:51] You're watching it on TV like, I think we got to get out of this country. [00:15:54] I think we might need to leave this country. [00:15:55] Yeah. [00:15:56] He told state news, quote, among us, us being the conspirators, is not one normal person. [00:16:02] We are all nobodies. [00:16:03] I am not a person capable of running a country. [00:16:05] I am a criminal, only able to destroy it. [00:16:10] Yeah, it's one of those things. [00:16:11] I don't really know. [00:16:12] This is like, it's the third act, like the dark moment before the hero is able to beat the dystopian leader. [00:16:20] And I, yeah, I feel like that's not going to be the thing that happens. [00:16:24] That's only a thing that happens in movies. [00:16:26] I know. [00:16:27] But it's just so overtly evil of a moment. [00:16:32] It is. [00:16:32] And like Shikh Muradov, it's one of those things to raise to that position in the government of Turkmenistan. [00:16:37] He's probably pretty corrupt himself. [00:16:38] But he also seems to have been a legitimately courageous guy. [00:16:41] And like, obviously, this dude needed to be, like, I don't know if he would have been good or not if like the dictator had been replaced. [00:16:47] But I mean, generally, yeah, generally speaking, if they're like, let me take over, it's probably not going to just be the cycle beginning again with a new face. [00:16:56] That is what the odds say. [00:16:58] Yeah. [00:16:59] But yeah, I mean, he also did turn himself in to save his family. [00:17:02] So maybe he was a decent person. [00:17:04] Yeah. [00:17:04] That's hard to say. [00:17:06] That's not an easy choice. [00:17:08] I guess not. [00:17:08] Because you know you're getting tortured. [00:17:10] Yeah, but if you like your family, if you don't like your family, then it's like, fuck him. [00:17:14] He's not a total sociopath. [00:17:16] He's a total sociopath would not have turned himself in. [00:17:18] Yes. [00:17:19] Yeah. [00:17:20] So, I don't know. [00:17:21] I don't know. [00:17:21] Shikhmuradov, sorry that you got sentenced to prison for the rest of your life. [00:17:26] On TV, Niyazov explained that he had shown mercy to all of the conspirators because only Allah decides death. [00:17:34] Wow. [00:17:34] I'm surprised he hasn't taken that up too, that he can decide death. [00:17:39] Yeah, because he's a saint. [00:17:40] He's deciding a lot of things. [00:17:41] And he did. [00:17:42] He did have a lot of people executed. [00:17:43] Okay. [00:17:44] Yeah, he did have a lot of people executed. [00:17:45] Okay. [00:17:45] So he's just a liar. [00:17:47] He's definitely a liar. [00:17:49] Now, next, Niyazov clamped down on civil liberties even more. [00:17:53] He ordered the secret police to monitor public conversations. [00:17:56] He also asked citizens to report anti-national talk. [00:17:59] Being Turkmen Bashi, he also did something insane and banned anyone in the country from listening to the radio while driving in their car. [00:18:06] His reasoning was that the noise would obscure subversive conversations from the eyes of hidden police. [00:18:11] It really seems like these are moments in his life where he's like being driven around and hears the radio and it's distracting. [00:18:18] He's like, you know what? [00:18:19] No more radio for anybody. [00:18:20] Yeah. [00:18:21] Fuck the radio. [00:18:22] Yeah. [00:18:22] I hate the radio now. [00:18:26] Put it on the list. [00:18:28] Ballet, radio, radio, movie theaters. [00:18:31] Make sure that puppet theater is still running. [00:18:34] Who are the people running the puppet theater? [00:18:37] I want to know about them. [00:18:38] I bet they really need a cigarette. [00:18:40] Yes. [00:18:42] Or they were like, they were probably very passionate about puppets, and then he declared them. [00:18:46] They're like, now's the time. === Puppet Theater Economics (04:58) === [00:18:48] There's just one puppet-loving man who was like, this is the country I was born to be. [00:18:53] Oh, yeah. [00:18:54] And they exist. [00:18:54] There are puppet-loving people. [00:18:56] There are puppets. [00:18:56] Matt Stone and Trey Parker. [00:18:58] Yeah. [00:18:58] And they've been really successful here. [00:19:00] I had a neighbor who kept asking me to come over and watch a puppet show. [00:19:04] That's unsettling. [00:19:05] Yeah. [00:19:05] I was like, that, that, that, I know. [00:19:08] You're going to get murdered. [00:19:09] It was, I was living in this terrible apartment, and this, our weird neighbor was like, look, I do puppet shows every week if you guys want to come. [00:19:16] And it was just like, no. [00:19:17] No. [00:19:18] I don't want to die. [00:19:19] I'm young. [00:19:20] I feel like the word no enters your mind as soon as the word puppet show enters your ears. [00:19:25] I did have one roommate go and I was like, how was it? [00:19:27] He was like, it was weird. [00:19:31] It's what it sounds like. [00:19:32] It's what it sounds like. [00:19:34] Our neighbor's puppet show. [00:19:35] Yeah. [00:19:37] Speaking of puppet shows, I don't. [00:19:41] As you might see here. [00:19:44] You know what isn't a puppet? [00:19:46] Busy bone dog treats. [00:19:49] The only dog treats currently sitting on this table. [00:19:52] Yeah. [00:19:53] They look good. [00:19:53] You could probably eat them. [00:19:54] I felt like this was the time for an ad plug. [00:19:56] I also feel like the bones on the front of that kind of look like tampons. [00:20:01] There's even a string coming out of one of them. [00:20:03] Oh, good God. [00:20:04] They really do. [00:20:05] They're teaching the dog. [00:20:06] Why is there a string coming out of that? [00:20:09] Okay, it is an arrow. [00:20:11] Okay. [00:20:11] All right. [00:20:12] That was an unnecessary digression. [00:20:14] Speaking of unnecessary digressions, actually, speaking of necessary digital. [00:20:18] I was about to say, it's pretty necessary. [00:20:19] You know what's necessary? [00:20:28] I went and sat on the little ottoman in front of him. [00:20:32] I was, hi, dad. [00:20:33] And just when I said that, my mom comes out of the kitchen and she says, I have some cookies and milk. [00:20:41] This is badass convict. [00:20:43] Right. [00:20:44] Just finished five years. [00:20:45] I'm going to have cookies and milk. [00:20:47] Yeah, mom. [00:20:48] Yeah. [00:20:50] On the Ceno Show podcast, each episode invites you into a raw, unfiltered conversations about recovery, resilience, and redemption. [00:20:58] On a recent episode, I sit down with actor, cultural icon Danny Trail to talk about addiction, transformation, and the power of second chances. [00:21:06] The entire season two is now available to binge, featuring powerful conversations with guests like Tiffany Addish, Johnny Knoxville, and more. [00:21:14] I'm an alcoholic. [00:21:16] And loud. [00:21:18] This project. [00:21:20] Open your free iHeart radio app, search the Ceno Show, and listen now. [00:21:29] I feel like it was a little bit unbelievable until I really started making money. [00:21:34] It's Financial Literacy Month, and the podcast Eating While Broke is bringing real conversations about money, growth, and building your future. [00:21:42] This month, hear from top streamer Zoe Spencer and venture capitalist Lakeisha Landrum Pierre as they share their journeys from starting out to leveling up. [00:21:51] If I'm outside with my parents and they're seeing all these people come up to me for pictures, it's like, what? [00:21:56] Today, now, obviously, it's like 100%. [00:21:59] They believe everything, but at first, it was just like, you got to go get a real job. [00:22:04] There's an economic component to communities thriving. [00:22:07] If there's not enough money and entrepreneurship happening in communities, they fail. [00:22:11] And what I mean by fail is they don't have money to pay for food. [00:22:13] They cannot feed their kids. [00:22:14] They do not have homes. [00:22:15] Communities don't work unless there's money flowing through them. [00:22:19] Listen to Eating While Broke from the Black Effect Podcast Network on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. [00:22:28] Hi, I'm Bob Pittman, chairman and CEO of iHeartMedia, and I'm kicking off a brand new season of my podcast, Math and Magic: Stories from the Frontiers of Marketing. [00:22:36] Math and Magic takes you behind the scenes of the biggest businesses and industries while sharing insights from the smartest minds in marketing. [00:22:43] I'm talking to leaders from the entertainment industry to finance and everywhere in between. [00:22:47] This season on Math and Magic, I'm talking to CEO of Liquid Death, Mike Cesario, financier and public health advocate Mike Milken, take-to interactive CEO Strauss Zelnick. [00:22:58] If you're unable to take meaningful creative risk and therefore run the risk of making horrible creative mistakes, then you can't play in this business. [00:23:07] Sesame Street CEO Sherry Weston and our own chief business officer, Lisa Coffey. [00:23:12] Making consumers see the value of the human voice and to have that guaranteed human promise behind it really makes it rise to the top. [00:23:22] Listen to Math and Magic: stories from the frontiers of marketing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. [00:23:29] When you listen to podcasts about AI and tech and the future of humanity, the hosts always act like they know what they're talking about and they are experts at everything. [00:23:38] Here, the Nick Dick and Pole Show, we're not afraid to make mistakes. [00:23:42] What Koogler did that I think was so unique? [00:23:45] He's the writer director. === Math and Magic Marketing (14:59) === [00:23:47] Who do you think he is? [00:23:48] I don't know. [00:23:50] You meet the president? [00:23:51] You think Canada has a president? [00:23:54] You think China has a president? [00:23:55] Lazois proves that. [00:23:58] God, I love that thing. [00:24:00] I use it all the time. [00:24:01] I wrap it in a blanket and sing to it at like. [00:24:05] It's like the old Polish saying, not my monkeys, not my circus. [00:24:09] Yep. [00:24:09] It was a good one. [00:24:10] I like that saying. [00:24:11] It is an actual Polish saying, it is an actual Polish saying. [00:24:14] It's a better version of play stupid games, win stupid prizes. [00:24:17] Yes. [00:24:18] Which, by the way, wasn't Taylor Swift who said that for the first time. [00:24:20] I actually, I thought it was. [00:24:21] I got that wrong. [00:24:22] Listen to the Nick Dick and Paul Show on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. [00:24:33] Hey, and we're back. [00:24:35] Hey. [00:24:36] Okay, so when we last left off, Niyazov had just banned the radio. [00:24:41] Sure. [00:24:42] I mean, not the weirdest thing he's banned. [00:24:44] Not the weirdest thing he's banned. [00:24:46] The next and last period of Niyazov's life was a golden age for baddy-ass laws. [00:24:51] He required universities to test all applicants on their knowledge of his dumb book, the Run Nama. [00:24:56] He reorganized the justice system so that prisoners could only be released when they'd sworn an oath upon his book. [00:25:01] In 2004, he demanded that the Runama should be used in mosques alongside the Quran. [00:25:07] I'm not one for burning books for obvious, maybe. [00:25:12] Yeah, but it feels like we need to get rid of this book. [00:25:15] I also, I'm going to guess it's probably pretty clear to the listeners, but in case you haven't had a lot of experience with Muslims and Islam, I can't imagine anything more blasphemous than what this guy's done. [00:25:25] Oh, yeah. [00:25:27] That's pretty hardcore blasphemy. [00:25:30] Yeah. [00:25:32] Now, the National Mufti, the Islamic religious leader for the nation of Turkmenistan, objected to this random dude's book being made a requirement alongside the Holy Book of the Faith. [00:25:44] He was instantly arrested and declared to be a part of the coup two years ago. [00:25:48] Yeah. [00:25:49] Yeah. [00:25:49] That sounds about right. [00:25:50] Retroactively. [00:25:51] Retroactively. [00:25:52] Part of a coup. [00:25:52] Responsible for the coup. [00:25:54] Now, during a tour of small villages that same year, 2004, Niyazov was allegedly angered that none of the local libraries had enough people in them. [00:26:01] He ordered all rural libraries across the country shut down. [00:26:05] This may have been due to the fact that Turkmenbashi described all writers who were not himself. [00:26:09] He considered it a personal insult that anyone would want to read any book besides the Runama. [00:26:14] Sure, yeah. [00:26:14] That makes sense. [00:26:16] Yeah, it fits. [00:26:16] Yep. [00:26:17] Also, in 2004, he declared July 10th a melon holiday and April 27th, Horse Day. [00:26:23] Nice. [00:26:24] Yeah, we got a Horse Day in it. [00:26:26] He banned beards because he was worried. [00:26:31] Sure. [00:26:32] Sure. [00:26:32] He was worried about Islamic fundamentalists hiding amongst the populace. [00:26:37] I think he saw a guy eating soup and he was like, dude. [00:26:40] No, I don't want to say that. [00:26:41] No more beards. [00:26:42] So his tired assistant's like, yeah, I got it. [00:26:44] No more bands. [00:26:45] No more beards. [00:26:46] All right, we'll put it out. [00:26:49] He banned circuses. [00:26:51] Huh? [00:26:52] Hold on. [00:26:53] Hold on. [00:26:54] You can't be pro-puppet show and anti-circus. [00:26:58] Especially being pro-horse and anti-circus. [00:27:00] Yeah. [00:27:01] Well, I sort of get that. [00:27:02] If you see a circus, you're like, oh, God, those poor horses. [00:27:06] Okay, that actually might make a little bit of sense. [00:27:07] But like puppet shows and circuses, it's all in the same ridiculous spectacle. [00:27:12] Like, it's all the same circle of like, these are the things that are used for entertainment in hell. [00:27:19] Yeah. [00:27:20] Like circuses, puppets. [00:27:22] Yeah. [00:27:23] So basically, anytime the president expressed a mild dislike for something, it was essentially banned. [00:27:28] Now, he was not passing laws against these things. [00:27:31] He wasn't saying it's forbidden to have a beard. [00:27:33] He wasn't saying it's forbidden to do this or that. [00:27:36] He would go on TV and basically express his dislike for a certain thing, and then everybody would have to stop doing it because it's a police state. [00:27:43] Right. [00:27:44] So like that's the way this works. [00:27:45] And a good example of how it proceeded was Turkmenbashi's hatred of gold teeth fillings. [00:27:50] Aw. [00:27:54] He denounced them in a speech, saying, quote, I watched young dogs when I was young. [00:27:59] They were given bones to gnaw. [00:28:00] Those who view whose teeth have fallen out did not gnaw on bones. [00:28:04] This is my advice. [00:28:05] What? [00:28:06] Gnaw on bones. [00:28:08] Take out your gold teeth. [00:28:10] Wait, wait. [00:28:11] Yeah. [00:28:12] He didn't like gold teeth. [00:28:13] He expressed that he didn't think they looked good, that natural teeth looked better, and that people should gnaw on bones if they want their teeth to be healthy. [00:28:20] Okay, so he's like against just missing teeth in general. [00:28:24] No, gold teeth in specific. [00:28:26] Okay, so you can lose a tooth and you can get like a replacement that looks like a normal tooth, but not gold. [00:28:31] Okay, but not gold. [00:28:32] Yeah. [00:28:32] So here's how a Telegraph article that interviewed several people in the country who had to get their teeth replaced described what happened next. [00:28:38] Quote, In Turkmenistan, a Niyazov lifestyle tip is as good as law. [00:28:42] In a Pavlovian response to his remarks, which were broadcast repeatedly on television, people rushed to swap their gold teeth for porcelain. [00:28:48] Miss Tolivia, a 32-year-old laboratory technician, had been sent home from work because of her offending teeth, as universities, government departments, and state-run companies humored their president for life. [00:28:58] I have had gold teeth since I was 18, Miss Tolivia said. [00:29:01] It was my dowry from my parents when I got married. [00:29:03] Before, I was really proud of my teeth. [00:29:05] They showed me as a success, but now I cannot work and have them. [00:29:08] As her husband hovered protectively, each crown, bloodied and flecked with pieces of tissue, was carefully saved to be melted down later by a jeweler. [00:29:15] The couple, he confided, were not quite sure what to do. [00:29:18] Perhaps we have enough for a ring, he pondered, or maybe earrings. [00:29:21] Until he bans those. [00:29:23] Until he bans earrings and rings. [00:29:24] I love that they call it lifestyle tips. [00:29:26] Like this is goop. [00:29:27] Like Gwyneth Paltrow is a dictator. [00:29:29] It is kind of Gwyneth Paltrow as a dictator. [00:29:31] This guy's like, you know what? [00:29:32] Cigarettes are bad for me. [00:29:33] Nobody gets to smoke. [00:29:36] Cigarettes are out. [00:29:37] Cigarettes are out. [00:29:39] So are gold teeth. [00:29:40] Chew on some bones. [00:29:42] Isn't Gwyneth Paltrow? [00:29:43] She's big into the bone broth, right? [00:29:44] Probably. [00:29:45] Probably. [00:29:46] She looks like she's big into the bone broth. [00:29:48] This is a dictatorship of Gwyneth Paltrow. [00:29:51] That's exactly what's going on in fucking Turkmenistan right now. [00:29:54] Well, during the early 2000s. [00:29:56] Yeah. [00:29:57] So, when local meteorologists were incorrect about a forecast, Niyazov fired the head of the meteorology department and also banned TV reporters from wearing makeup, quote, because it masked their natural wheatish color, making them look white and masked the difference between the appearances of men and women. [00:30:15] It really is just every little thing that bugs us. [00:30:18] He's just always on TV. [00:30:20] He has opinions about everything and everyone's scared to, like, they're not laws, but everyone's scared to not to do something that the president doesn't like. [00:30:27] But at this point, it's almost like he has a show and he's just trying to fill time. [00:30:33] So he's like, all right, what do I not like? [00:30:36] What am I pissed about today? [00:30:37] His makeup. [00:30:37] Makeup. [00:30:38] Yeah, no, don't wear makeup anymore. [00:30:39] Yeah, I don't even think he's that passionate about this stuff at this point. [00:30:43] He's just trying to make content. [00:30:45] Yeah, yeah. [00:30:45] Turkmenbashi's commands generally came during TV interviews. [00:30:48] He would say something, express an opinion, and suddenly it was the way things were. [00:30:52] In one interview, he ordered the education ministry to watch the hairstyles of students. [00:30:56] Young men should not be allowed to have long hair in addition to the beard ban. [00:31:00] All goatees also had to go. [00:31:02] Which is the first time I'm on, you know what? [00:31:04] All right. [00:31:04] Yeah. [00:31:05] Yeah, let's get rid of those. [00:31:06] I mean, yeah, I'm getting to that age where if I look at college students, I'm just like, change all that. [00:31:11] Change all of that stuff. [00:31:12] Get rid of all of it. [00:31:14] You know, when I think about what situations might justify the deployment of like a fire hose against people, it's every time I've walked past a frat house. [00:31:23] Sure. [00:31:23] Just hose them out. [00:31:25] Yeah. [00:31:25] Empty that building with pressurized water. [00:31:28] Yeah, like because, yeah. [00:31:29] Yeah. [00:31:29] You just need to clean it. [00:31:30] You just need to clean it and the people inside it. [00:31:33] Yeah, it's that or if people are on fire. [00:31:35] That's it. [00:31:36] Yep. [00:31:36] Those are the only two circumstances. [00:31:37] Frat houses or burning to death. [00:31:40] Now, as a cost-cutting measure, Niyazov fired 15,000 healthcare workers and replaced them with untrained military recruits, figuring that what worked for traffic police would work just as well for nurses and EMTs. [00:31:50] Now, did it work for traffic police? [00:31:53] No. [00:31:54] Of course not. [00:31:56] What are the EMTs going to do? [00:31:58] Whatever untrained 19-year-olds know how to do. [00:32:02] Oh, no. [00:32:04] Who would think that? [00:32:05] He's old enough to know. [00:32:07] Well, he doesn't know a German doctor. [00:32:09] He doesn't go to doctors in Turkmenistan. [00:32:11] Oh, yeah. [00:32:14] He also closed down all of the hospitals outside of the capital, saying that anybody who had a medical emergency could just come to the capital. [00:32:21] Yeah. [00:32:23] Yeah, that's fair. [00:32:24] That's fair. [00:32:24] That's fair. [00:32:25] In 2005, Niyazov opened a gigantic horse track near the capital, the largest in Asia, because he'd gotten really into horses. [00:32:33] Solid. [00:32:34] Solid. [00:32:36] That Telegraph reporter was in town during the opening of the racetrack, and his description of it is quite a lot of fun. [00:32:42] The attention to detail is remarkable. [00:32:43] Along the approach road, teenage conscript soldiers in khaki boiler suits robotically place whitewashed stones in small circles around the trunks of newly planted fir trees. [00:32:51] At the center, there are swimming pools, therapy centers, and state-of-the-art veterinary facilities for the animals. [00:32:56] Yenardag, the president's stallion, is almost as prominent in Turkmenistan as his patron. [00:33:01] Niyazov is busy cultivating the myth that he is reviving an ancient breed of horse. [00:33:05] The Akhal Teke is his personal claim to restoring national greatness. [00:33:09] In fact, to criticize the money lavished on the Akalteke horses is to commit the offense of parricide, defined in the National Criminal Code as questioning the policy of the president. [00:33:18] Wow. [00:33:19] So don't get angry at his horses or you'll go to prison. [00:33:22] I bet Gwyneth Paltrow likes horses too. [00:33:24] I bet she would do all of the things he's done. [00:33:26] So key to a great nation, statues and horses. [00:33:29] What else could it be, Dave? [00:33:30] Yeah, that's fair. [00:33:31] Yeah. [00:33:32] In addition to building a palatial racetrack, Turkmen Bashi ordered hundreds of homes bulldozed in the capital so he could build a series of massive white marble apartment buildings he designed himself. [00:33:41] The buildings were never occupied because no one in the city could afford them. [00:33:44] The owners of the homes previously on the land were, again, not compensated for their loss. [00:33:48] Yeah. [00:33:48] No. [00:33:49] Turkmenbashi declared himself a landscape artist next and promised to create a forest in the desert that would last a thousand years and improve Turkmenistan's brutal climate. [00:33:57] To achieve this goal, he planted a massive cypress forest around a fake lake he had built in the desert. [00:34:02] How'd that go? [00:34:03] Well, Paul Thoreau visited shortly after the forest was planted, and he observed that, quote, although Bashi's trees, mostly a type of juniper, were two or three feet high when planted, the forestation was not a success. [00:34:13] Drip irrigation had been rigged for them, but they were baked by the sun and blown flat by the wind. [00:34:17] A full third had that peculiar rust-red hue, the vivid color of an evergreen's death. [00:34:24] He's just, man, he's spinning out of control at this point. [00:34:28] He's just really trying everything. [00:34:29] I'm going to make a forest. [00:34:31] I'm going to make a forest now, motherfuckers. [00:34:33] He's great. [00:34:35] Next, he built an ice palace outside the capital city. [00:34:38] Is it in the desert? [00:34:39] Yeah. [00:34:41] Yeah, so at this point, he's just like, fuck reality. [00:34:44] What an ice palace. [00:34:45] Yeah. [00:34:46] He built a 130-foot-tall pyramid. [00:34:48] He built the largest mosque in Asia, which he named the Spirit of Turkmenbashi himself. [00:34:54] A lot of stuff, by the way, I feel like are things that Nicholas Cage has done as well. [00:34:58] Yeah. [00:34:58] Like, I feel like the Venn diagram, like, there's a large crossover between the two. [00:35:03] I feel like if Nicholas Cage built a mosque, it would be less blasphemous than this. [00:35:07] Yeah. [00:35:07] Like, he would show more respect for the religion. [00:35:11] And of course, this gigantic mosque was again festooned with quotes from the Quran and from Turkmenbashi's equally important book, The Ruknama. [00:35:18] Turkmenbashi insisted that Turkmen visit the mosque as a regional equivalent to the Hajj, which is, you know, the Muslim requirement to go to Mecca if you possibly can. [00:35:27] Okay. [00:35:28] Yeah. [00:35:28] Yeah. [00:35:28] He just putting himself right on that level. [00:35:30] Yeah. [00:35:30] Yeah. [00:35:31] This is also around the time when he declared himself a prophet of God. [00:35:34] Oh, man. [00:35:35] Yeah. [00:35:35] Well, he hadn't done that yet? [00:35:37] Not officially. [00:35:39] Okay. [00:35:39] Yeah. [00:35:39] You gotta make sure everybody knows. [00:35:41] You know, he had written a book declaring himself God's son, but you gotta make it clear, you know, that you're a prophet of God. [00:35:47] In 2006, when New Yorker writer Paul Thoreau visited Turkmenistan, the people of the country had just spontaneously declared their leader the national prophet. [00:35:54] So, sorry, that's how it went. [00:35:55] Okay. [00:35:56] I mixed up my notes there for a second. [00:35:57] So, in 2006, the Turkmenistan people declared their leader the national prophet. [00:36:03] Did they, though? [00:36:04] Yeah, I mean, of course they did, Dave. [00:36:06] Like, they love him. [00:36:09] They love him. [00:36:09] The president for life of Turkmenistan would not lie about the people of Turkmenistan declaring him the national prophet. [00:36:14] Yeah. [00:36:15] Now, in Paul Thoreau's trip through the country, he saw portraits of the leader everywhere. [00:36:18] Quote, several of them measuring hundreds of square feet everywhere in Ashkabat. [00:36:22] In some, he looked like a fat and grinning Dean Martin. [00:36:25] In others, he was the truculent CEO with a chilly smile. [00:36:28] A common image showed him, chin on hand, squinting an insincere bonhomie like a lounge singer, a heavy drinker, a bully, and a wearer of bling, two or three diamond rings on each hand. [00:36:37] He had Italianate features and was sometimes portrayed with a stack of books like an author on a book tour. [00:36:42] Jeez. [00:36:43] Yeah. [00:36:43] I just realized, I don't know what this guy looks like. [00:36:46] Oh, yeah, we got to pull up a Turkmen Bashi picture for you. [00:36:48] We'll throw one up on the site, too. [00:36:50] Now, as he aged, Turkmen Bashi became increasingly insistent on demanding that his people smile at all times. [00:36:57] He's that guy. [00:36:58] He's that guy. [00:37:00] Oh, yeah. [00:37:00] Here's his picture. [00:37:01] Oh, okay. [00:37:02] Yeah, that looks about right. [00:37:04] Yeah, that looks about right. [00:37:05] He looks like a big old, big old baby. [00:37:07] Big old babyface. [00:37:08] Big old baby. [00:37:09] Babyface Turkmen Bashi. [00:37:10] Yeah. [00:37:12] In the Runama, he had written, quote, a smile can make a friend for you out of an enemy. [00:37:16] And when death stares you in the face, smile at it, and it may leave you untouched. [00:37:21] How is that not the thing that incites a revolution? [00:37:25] Like, hey, guys, smile more. [00:37:26] I'd be like, all right, we're done here. [00:37:28] I was okay with the puppets. [00:37:30] I'm ready to die now. [00:37:33] Over the years, Turkmenbashi continued to drive home his point about smiling, telling his people to talk to each other with smiles and promising there will never be any wrinkles on a smiling face. [00:37:43] He claimed his love of smiles had been inspired by his sainted mother. [00:37:46] Her smile is visible to me in the dark of night, even if I have my eyes shut. [00:37:50] So that's sweet. [00:37:52] Yeah, real sweet. [00:37:53] He renamed ketchup. [00:37:59] He declared, well, because the word ketchup's a foreign term, and he believed it deserved a real Turkmen name. [00:38:05] Okay, but it's not the only thing named with a foreign term. [00:38:11] He was getting around to all of them, but ketchup was a priority. [00:38:13] Got to start a ketchup. [00:38:14] Got to start it. [00:38:15] Everybody loves ketchup. [00:38:18] He really loved renaming things. [00:38:20] What did he rename ketchup to? [00:38:22] Oh, just a Turkmen word. [00:38:24] Oh, okay. [00:38:25] Yeah, I didn't catch that. [00:38:27] Okay. [00:38:28] I wish it was his name. [00:38:29] Turkmen Bashi. [00:38:31] Yeah. [00:38:32] Oh, dear God. [00:38:34] He also required that doctors swear an oath now on the runama rather than the Hippocratic Oath. [00:38:38] Sure. [00:38:39] I'm surprised that didn't already happen. [00:38:40] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:38:41] I think I may have gotten my times a little bit mixed up on that one. [00:38:43] That might have happened when he closed down most of the hospitals. [00:38:45] Oh, okay. === Renaming Ketchup (09:15) === [00:38:46] Yeah. [00:38:46] Sorry, there's a lot of crazy things to keep track of in order here. [00:38:53] And it's not consistently crazy. [00:38:56] It's this beautiful potpourri. [00:38:59] It's puppet shows and ketchup. [00:39:01] And like, oh, man. [00:39:03] And then like false flag attacks that oppress dissidents and really smart policies of neutrality and renaming ketchup. [00:39:10] Right. [00:39:10] Yeah. [00:39:11] Yeah. [00:39:11] Like some of the stuff, it's like, oh, yeah, he's doing the classic hits of a dictator. [00:39:15] And then he's throwing in these crazy ones. [00:39:17] Yeah. [00:39:18] Because you can imagine Stalin doing some of this, but he would never have bothered to rename ketchup. [00:39:22] Right. [00:39:22] No, fuck it. [00:39:23] It's fine. [00:39:24] Maybe eventually. [00:39:25] Maybe linen sauce. [00:39:31] In 2006, Turkmen Bashi had constructed the Turkmen Bashi Eternally Great Park. [00:39:37] Nice. [00:39:38] Yeah. [00:39:38] It was an enormous wooded park with a concrete crete path up a mountain built by Turkmen Bashi as part of an effort to urge his people to be healthier and exercise more often. [00:39:48] In 2006, Niyazov declared the first Saturday in November to be health day. [00:39:52] He demanded that all of his ministers partake in a five-mile walk, starting at Turkmen Bashi Eternally Great Park and going all the way up to the top of the mountain. [00:40:00] You're making them walk. [00:40:01] Yep. [00:40:02] Turkmen Bashi himself did not walk. [00:40:04] He had a helicopter fly him to the top of the mountain where he'd had a helipad installed. [00:40:08] He made fun of anyone who took more than two hours to make the walk. [00:40:11] That is perfect. [00:40:14] Classic Turkmen Bashi. [00:40:16] Yeah, at this point, he's just like, I wonder what more I can get away with. [00:40:20] What more can I get? [00:40:21] That turned out to be the last thing he could get away with. [00:40:23] Because on December 31st, 2006, Supremarat Niyazov, great leader of the Turkmens, God's prophet on earth, died of heart failure. [00:40:31] Good. [00:40:32] Good. [00:40:35] Here's how the book ends. [00:40:37] It was a wise choice. [00:40:39] Really, the thing I've agreed with the most that he's done is dying of heart failure. [00:40:44] Here's how the book Inside Central Asia sums up his legacy. [00:40:48] The Turkmen despot left behind a republic where the average monthly income was $60, yet most people managed to get by on generous state subsidies for housing and basic foods, free electricity, water, and gas. [00:40:58] We are not free, but we are not hungry. [00:41:00] An unnamed Turkmen told visiting New York Times correspondent C.J. Chivers, who noted that food was inexpensive, gasoline sold for 4 cents per gallon, and bazaars were filled with Chinese goods. [00:41:10] And that is about the best that anyone can say for Turkmen Bashi, the lunatic president of Turkmenistan. [00:41:15] He was a brutal monster and a nut, but food and gas were cheap, so nobody murdered him. [00:41:20] Yeah, I mean, it really does kind of come down to what comes out of that. [00:41:24] I know I said it earlier, but I feel like a lot of this is like, so we got to call ketchup something else, but gas is still cheap. [00:41:32] I feel like people here would put up with a lot for 4 cents a gallon gas. [00:41:36] I've been saying this a lot. [00:41:38] Yeah. [00:41:38] Is that if we got like red dawned, when they'd land, I'd be like, so what do you have to offer? [00:41:44] So yeah, what's y'all's play? [00:41:46] Yeah. [00:41:47] Things are not going great here right now. [00:41:49] What's the. [00:41:50] If it's not good, I'll be like, okay, go Wolverines. [00:41:52] But like, yeah, first of all, I'd hear the pitch. [00:41:55] I'd hear the pitch. [00:41:56] And even if I went Wolverines, I'd probably take advantage of the free health care first. [00:41:59] Oh, yeah. [00:42:00] I haven't been to a doctor in a while. [00:42:02] Oh, yeah. [00:42:03] I am falling apart. [00:42:04] Yeah, it's a disaster. [00:42:09] He was replaced by a dentist, by the way. [00:42:12] Okay. [00:42:12] Yep. [00:42:13] Okay. [00:42:13] Yep. [00:42:13] The dentist banned cigarettes and had all the cigarettes in the country incinerated. [00:42:17] Wow. [00:42:18] Yep. [00:42:18] So it seems like things are continuing right on that path. [00:42:22] What's his view on gold teeth? [00:42:23] Now that I'm not aware of. [00:42:25] Yeah, I want to know. [00:42:26] That's another episode. [00:42:27] Yeah. [00:42:28] The dentist president who came next. [00:42:31] So it's not going great for them still. [00:42:33] Oh, again, gas prices are good. [00:42:35] Yeah, I think gas is still pretty cheap. [00:42:37] So it's not nothing. [00:42:38] I mean, yeah, I mean, he killed people. [00:42:41] Bulldozed homes. [00:42:42] Bulldozed homes. [00:42:44] Oh, man. [00:42:44] Banned ballet in the radio. [00:42:49] What a weird maniac. [00:42:51] What a weird maniac to have a country. [00:42:54] Oddly specific. [00:42:55] Very oddly specific. [00:42:57] Like, I'd love to talk to the people who lived who lived there because they have to be confused by that shit, right? [00:43:06] There's a great passage in that Paul Thoreau New Yorker article where, like, he recites a conversation that his driver and his interpreter had where they were trying to figure out what the days of the week were. [00:43:17] And they were both natives. [00:43:19] Like, no, no, no, this is what he renamed the day-to-day. [00:43:22] And then, like, no, I think it was this. [00:43:23] And it was like, it clearly took time for everyone to figure out. [00:43:27] Right. [00:43:28] Maybe it was a performance art piece, the whole thing about how arbitrary dictatorships are. [00:43:34] Because it's that where it's like, I guess it's renaming the weeks. [00:43:37] It's like it's as worthwhile as anything else we do, I guess. [00:43:43] I did check and the timing did not work out for him to have been Andy Kaufman. [00:43:47] Oh, okay. [00:43:47] I was kind of, I was suspicious of that. [00:43:49] One of these days, one of them will be Andy Kaufman. [00:43:52] It didn't work out. [00:43:53] Dave, pluggables. [00:43:57] No, geez. [00:43:58] I mentioned my Patreon, patreon.com slash gamefully unemployed. [00:44:01] We do podcasts. [00:44:02] We do streaming. [00:44:04] I also want to give a shout out to Some More News, which I write episodes of. [00:44:08] Oh, yeah, yeah. [00:44:09] Give money to Some More News. [00:44:10] Yeah, yeah, yeah. [00:44:11] Gamefully Unemployed. [00:44:13] Which is Cody's. [00:44:14] Cody's Shodi. [00:44:16] Neither of them will ban Golden Teeth. [00:44:19] Yeah, that's true. [00:44:20] I also write for Bunnyears.com. [00:44:22] Check that out. [00:44:23] Mikoly Kokin might ban Golden Teeth. [00:44:25] Oh, he already has. [00:44:26] Yeah. [00:44:26] Okay. [00:44:27] He's a monster. [00:44:29] He's the Turkmen Boshi of Internet Comedy. [00:44:32] Oh, yeah. [00:44:35] This has been Behind the Bastards. [00:44:37] You can find us on the internet at behindthebastards.com. [00:44:39] You can find us on Twitter and Instagram at BastardsPod. [00:44:42] You can find my book on Amazon.com, A Brief History of Vice. [00:44:47] It's, I hurt my friends with drugs. [00:44:50] He poisoned me. [00:44:51] I poisoned Dave with drugs very irresponsibly. [00:44:55] It was great. [00:44:56] When I say I am the opposite of a doctor, I mean it. [00:45:00] I am the opposite of a doctor. [00:45:02] Yeah, it's still fun to get medical advice from you, though. [00:45:05] Oh, man. [00:45:06] Oh, yeah. [00:45:07] I've got it. [00:45:08] Hit me up on Twitter at iWriteOkay and ask me medical advice. [00:45:11] I will give you medical advice. [00:45:14] Legally binding medical advice. [00:45:16] Sure. [00:45:16] Yeah, absolutely. [00:45:17] All right. [00:45:18] Well, that's been the podcast. [00:45:20] Buy a shirt. [00:45:20] T-Public, Behind the Bastards. [00:45:22] We've got the new Raul Wallenberg shirts. [00:45:25] Save lives. [00:45:26] Do crimes. [00:45:28] I love about 40% of you. [00:45:45] When a group of women discover they've all dated the same prolific con artist, they take matters into their own hands. [00:45:53] I vowed I will be his last target. [00:45:55] He is not going to get away with this. [00:45:57] He's going to get what he deserves. [00:46:00] We always say that. [00:46:01] Trust your girlfriends. [00:46:04] Listen to the girlfriends. [00:46:06] Trust me, babe. [00:46:06] On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. 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