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April 2, 1996 - Bill Cooper
59:32
Don Imus, Radio and TV Dinner
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Time Text
Please be home and be sorry.
Once and ever will be the good of their singing and song.
The End
You're listening to the Hour of the Time, and I'm Pooh.
And I'm William Cooper.
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
And good night, folks, and God bless you all again.
Okay, I'll see you later.
I'll come and tuck you in.
Okay, goodnight Allison, and goodnight Mommy, and goodnight Poppy.
Goodnight babe.
Let me see here.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are not going to do what you thought we were going to do tonight, simply because I have received what I've been waiting for, or one of the things that I've been waiting for.
And tonight we're going to have a little humor, which I think you'll all get a kick out of this.
You're going to hear, first, President Clinton give a little speech.
And then you're going to hear someone else give a little speech, and I'll let you discover who it is when it happens.
But it's incredibly truthful, incredibly witty, it's handled with a degree of high intelligence, and of course, humor.
I regret, sincerely, that you will not be able to see the look on Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton's face during the second part of this broadcast, because I've got to tell you, if you could see it, you would.
It would be worth probably a million dollars to most of the listeners of this broadcast to be able to see the face of Billary when this takes place.
I'm having a little trouble here with this silly disc player.
And I don't know why.
But I'm going to get it straightened out somehow.
I don't know what's wrong.
Let me try this.
and see what happens.
Well, I don't know, folks.
It looks like my disc player has died.
And if it has, we're not going to have any music.
And if we don't have any music, we're going to lose part of the fun.
And that's certainly not working.
So, let me try one thing else.
I understand that a lot of you didn't comprehend what we were doing last night, and let me say this to those of you who didn't.
If you're really that dumb, you shouldn't be listening to this broadcast.
We're going to continue what we did last night tomorrow night, but tonight we're going to do this.
If that's hurt your feelings, then I'm sorry, because the level of intelligence that you need to listen to this broadcast is higher than that of a duck.
If you didn't understand what we were about last night, then folks, I've got to tell you, your IQ is about on the level of a duck.
Sorry about that, but it's the truth.
You see, if you want to know what this New World Order is all about, you have to understand who brought it about.
Well, it's one for the money, two for the show, Well, got something working there.
Now let's see if I can get the one that I want.
I know it can't be the way I live.
Yeah, I know that I keep rocking.
Keep walking, strolling, stick to you.
And do that crazy night.
Mama, don't really get around.
Turn that edge out, we got to go.
When I say mama, don't put me down.
Turn that down, turn that all over time.
Stand tight, stand tight.
Stand tight, turn that down, turn that down.
Mama, mama, looking up.
Stand tight, turn that down.
Now you're making me feel so nice.
Tell me, baby.
Stand tight, turn that down.
One more time.
Well, in the light.
Thank you.
I have to contract a speaker before the State Union and get his suggestions for what I should say.
You all remember what his suggestion was.
He broke the entire speech.
He said, I hope you will say, thank you and good night.
Now we are together again on another historic night where so much hangs in the balance.
According to the White House Situation Room, nine minutes ago, the Razorbacks of Arkansas and UMass started their basketball game.
And so, uh, Mr. Speaker, and Mr. McConnell, and Mr. Cronkite, Mr. Hamas, thank you, and good night.
He, uh, almost took five years off his life.
He said, you're not serious, are you?
Well, uh, just a few remarks.
But for the benefit of the pool reporters who are here working tonight, I have to, before I say anything else, read a note that reaffirms new policy from my press secretary, Mike McCurry.
The pool reporters tonight are perfectly free to laugh at my jokes, but when reporting on this event can identify me only as a highly placed commander-in-chief of the world's last remaining superpower.
I'm really glad Don Irvis came to Washington University.
You know, all politicians pander to Don Imus, because real people listen to him.
And he actually takes credit for getting me elected in 1992.
He might have done it.
But what I want to know is, what has he done for me lately?
I mean, the You know, I really had thought, well, he was farming in 92.
Surely, after I've done such a good job as President, he'd be farming in 96, but not on your life.
I got out dead.
Senator Doe, who is a skillful negotiator, as we all know, I've told him, he can be ironless in the morning, and the White House Press Secretary in the afternoon.
You heard the Speaker talk about the historic meeting we had yesterday at the White House with Senator Doe, I was mildly apprehensive, but it was just like all of our normal meetings.
The majority leader asked me for the first time whether the roof leaked and when was the last time the kitchen was remodeled.
With all my supporters who aren't laughing, This is an interesting time.
I had an interview with a With a print reporter, a couple weeks ago, and he said to me, just at the end of the interview, he said, now, what is your bumper sticker slogan for re-election?
And I must say it, it took me aback.
This is the first time I had thought about the November elections.
So I gave him some answer off the top of my head, which was pretty good in the moment, but it sobered me up.
It made me think that we had better start thinking about the election and about our Bumper sticker slogans.
So a bunch of us sat down over the weekend and we came up with some possibilities and I thought I would share them with you.
We start out with the obvious.
Clinton Gore 9-6.
Alright?
The obvious.
Then, I showed this to the Vice President and asked for his reinventing government suggestion and this is what he came up with.
Dora Clinton, 2000.
And, uh, then we decided, you know, bumper stickers, you have to identify with them in a hurry, so we decided to see if we could just sort of modify some that are around a lot.
And this is the first suggestion.
Don't blame me.
I voted for me.
And then we thought we ought to have one that had a certain reverent overtone that referred to this year's budget battle.
Honk if you love Medicare.
And James Carville sent us one for the war room, you know, the hangs above the water deal.
It's the incumbency, stupid.
Thank you.
Hello.
And then we have one that should appeal to all parents of college students.
I send all my money to the electoral college.
Then we have these that remind you of these travel bumper stickers you see all the time.
I'd rather be in Ohio.
Would you believe Michigan?
California?
We have 47 others, but we're almost to halftime.
And then, then I wanted to identify with important interest groups, so I thought we'd try this one.
I'm a cat lover and I vote.
And then we did one for our upscale supporters.
Mr. Speaker, we have just a few left.
Our upscale Democrats who felt sorry for me when the bumper fell off the presidential limousine in Louisiana earlier this week.
We think this will reassure them.
No, this is not it.
Yeah, here it is.
My other car is therefore as one.
Thank you.
And then we have this very special one to appeal to the parents with school-age youngsters.
It says, My senior advisor for policy and strategy is an honor student, and I'm proud of it.
And finally, we've got one for when things don't go right.
It says, if you can read this, I've lost my motorcade.
So, we've got to get prepared because this election will be on us before you know it.
Things happen so fast in Washington.
I can't believe we've been here three years.
Just a year ago, the 104th Congress was underway.
The contract with America was in high gear.
I asked if the Democratic Party could be protected under the Independent Species Act.
A year later, it's fair to ask, how is the contract with America doing?
Well, great as far as I'm concerned.
But give the Republicans credit.
They are not backtracking.
They're hanging tough.
I did, however, hear one Republican refer to it now as A tentative oral agreement with America.
But seriously, they do remain committed to the contracts.
And one thing I will say about the Speaker that I really admire is he's got an incredibly flexible, imaginative mind.
And he has come up with a new, if only slightly less ambitious, legislative agenda for the remainder of this session to reaffirm just how deeply the Republicans believe in the principles of their contract.
Intent on returning all power back to the states, all 236 Republican members of the House have added their signature to the original Articles of Confederation.
They have spent real quality time, dozens of them, in states, especially Iowa and New Hampshire.
Last year they failed but tried to enact term limits.
This year they have a new term limit proposal.
A strict 15-minute limit on the stairmasters in the house gym.
And they're really serious about this one.
And they have a tax cut for families, which I support.
Unfortunately, they have targeted theirs at the Forbes family in New Jersey.
I want to say to all of you, I feel particularly indebted to you this year because of the work that The representatives of the media did at the White House recently when they came together and agreed to work together in a totally voluntary way to try to help our youngsters avoid seeing material that is too violent or otherwise inappropriate.
And while these moguls of the media were there, they gave me a lot of good advice for my own business.
Aaron Spelling said my staff was too old.
Ted Turner offered to colorize Warren Christopher.
Someone suggested that I should move the six loudest, most attractive, youngest staff members I have to New York and have them youngest staff members I have to New York and have them start working out of an oversized apartment in Cappuccino One of the TV guys said I should turn Leon Panetto into sort of a wacky neighbor character.
Someone from CBS suggested I write Elizabeth Taylor in all my speeches for a week.
Someone suggested I should have Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys, call the Oval Office the next time I score a major legislative victory.
And what I thought was really cruel, one man said, the next time you address the nation, you should flash winning lotto numbers under the screen.
Mr. Speaker, I even got a good suggestion for the next State of the Union.
Someone suggested that, like Ed McMahon, I should have Al Gore yell out things like, yes!
You are correct, sir, in the middle of the State of the Union.
Believe me, I need all the advice I can get, and I'm sure the rest of you will give me a lot of it between now and November.
Thank you.
Thank you.
But let me also thank you for having Hillary and me here tonight, and thank you for what you do.
Like the speaker, I grew up on Walter Cronkite, and I'm honored to be with him tonight.
I remember when he was first called the most trusted man in America, before faxes and cable TV and internet.
But the things he brought to this work are still important today.
I sometimes think that the exploding information and the technology makes your job even harder.
And the fact that Americans have so much information may make your job even more difficult.
To bring knowledge and judgment and honesty to the task of distilling what it is you report and how you report it, to be fair objectives, to be critical when you should and yet not be afraid to tell the good news once in a while, I think it's harder today than it used to be.
And sometimes politicians get to feeling sorry for each other.
I was, the speaker and I talked about this biography of George Washington because we both read it.
I felt better when I realized that General Washington was even more obsessed with his image than I am.
Maybe one reason why he had a better one, I don't know.
But I do think that there's some constancy in the tension that has run through the relationship with the press, the public officials over the years.
But we are, after all, the longest-lasting democracy in history.
And we are, after all, the best-positioned country in the world for the 21st century.
And we are because we have found a way to live with our incredible diversity and to keep growing and going and learning.
So I think that you face challenges that are different from the ones your predecessors faced, and so do we.
But if we can continue to honor the Constitution, And honor the public trust that you and we have inherited.
This country is going to do just fine.
I don't know about you, but this has been a good news evening for me.
And I thank you for that.
Thank you.
Mr.
President, we thank you very much for those remarks and being with us here tonight.
Thank you very much indeed.
Well, we in Washington tend to take ourselves a little too seriously, and tonight a dose of Don Imus is perhaps what we journalists and politicians could use very much.
Don Imus.
Thank you very much.
It's kind of interesting, it don't appear to be my notes.
Do you have the folder I gave you?
Where did this come from?
from nobody like this just laying around let me see if I can see what it says S. McDougal called again.
Says bank needs check and statement.
Told her both were in mail.
Ha ha ha.
Lisa, she looks stupid in those tank tops.
Maybe I'll just hang on to these.
No.
Oh, here we go.
Good evening, Mr. President, Mrs. Clinton.
Honored guests, ladies and gentlemen, radio and TV scum.
You know, I think it would be fair to say that back when the Clintons took office, if we had placed them all in a lineup, well, not a lineup, If we were to have speculated on which member of the first family would be the first to be indicted, I don't mean indicted, I meant to receive a subpoena.
Everybody in this room would have picked Roger.
I mean, been there, done that.
Well, in the past three years, Socks the Cat has been in more jams than Roger.
Roger has been a saint.
The Cat has peed on national treasures.
Roger hasn't.
Socks has thrown up hairballs.
Roger hasn't.
Sox got his girlfriend pregnant and had...
Oh, no, that was Roger.
And as you know, nearly every incident in the lives of the first family has been made worse by each and every person in this room, the radio and television correspondents, even innocuous incidents.
For example, when Cal Ripken broke Lou Gehrig's consecutive game record, the president was at Camden Yards, doing play-by-play on the radio with John Miller.
Bobby Bonilla hit a double, and we all heard the president, in his obvious excitement, holler, GO BABY!
I remember commenting at the time, I bet that's not the first time he's said that.
Remember the after occurs in the pickup?
And my point is, There is an innocent event made sinister by some creep in the media.
Although, in some cases, the Clintons have not exactly helped themselves.
Imagine if back in 1978, Mrs. Clinton had not said to Mr. Clinton, Honey, Jim and Susan are here and they've got some riverfront land for these great vacation homes and maybe we can make some serious money.
And he said, God, I love this Reaganomics.
Or later, she said, Bill, I talked to Webb and he said, put down 600 hours.
And he said, wow, that's a lot.
She said, yes, I think 60 makes more sense.
And recently, somebody said, I don't know, I left them on the table in the book room.
Which reminds me, in light of the controversy that surrounded the publication of Mrs. Clinton's book, perhaps Anonymous could have written It Takes a Village.
And then there's Senator D'Amato's book, It Takes a Village Idiot.
The senator suggests that the Clintons hung around with unsavory characters in Little Rock.
What the hell is he talking about?
All of his friends have bodies in the trunks of their cars.
By the way, my candidate for primary colors is Susan Thomas, the literary agent.
I think she wrote it and simply can't remember.
When I was asked to speak here tonight and was told who would be in attendance, my initial thought was, well, I've already said almost Every awful thing you could say about almost everyone in the room.
And then I thought, well, almost everyone.
And I recognize I'm not going to be invited to Renaissance Weekend, or that Bohemian deal where Newt, Rush, and Dick all sit in a teepee, naked, beating on Tom Toms.
I won't be having lunch with Peter Jennings and some Hollywood nitwit, so this could actually be fun.
Well, let's start at the bottom with you folks in the media.
And work our way up.
Do you remember the infamous curbside shooting photograph from the Vietnam War?
Well, I'm watching the CBS Evening News one night with Dan Rather and Connie Chung.
Things are not going well.
And I'm thinking we're a couple of nights away from another hideous photograph.
I mean, everybody in this room knows Dan Rather is capable of anything, including pulling a gun out on the set of the CBS Evening News.
Dan has these, uh... Dan has these utterly incomprehensible bucolic expressions that he punctuates conversations with several times after talking with him.
He would say to me, tamp him up solid.
Having something to do, I later learned, with fortifying the sides of underground tunnels that his father dug.
For reasons that remain unclear.
Now, I'm hard of hearing, hearing impaired, I guess would be better, from wearing headphones for a long time.
So I thought he was saying, tampons are solid.
And I'm thinking, why would he say that?
I mean, I know he's nuts, but what does that mean?
Anyway, I would laugh and I would say, uh-huh, and I would hang up.
And he's a great reporter, but he does not have all of his bait in the water.
And he's a little tense.
I mean, watching Dan Rather do the news, he looks like he's making a hostage chase.
They should have guys in ski masks, you know, and H.A. 47 just down the...
And yet, he is one of the three or four people most Americans get their news from.
Along with Tom Brokaw, of course.
By the way, nobody wants his out of Bosnia more than Tom does.
Simply so he doesn't have to try to pronounce Slobodan Milosevic.
Or report on fighting on the outskirts of Velika Kleduza.
Or describe how Slobodan Milo... I couldn't say this.
How Slobodan Milo... I can't say it.
And we know Brian Williams is standing in front of the White House thinking I'm two Serb war criminals' names away from Tom's town.
And then there's Peter Jennings, who we are told more Americans get their news from than anyone else, and a man who freely admits that he cannot resist women.
Amen.
So I'm thinking, here's Peter Jennings sitting there each evening, elegant, erudite, refined, and I'm wondering, What's under his desk?
I mean, besides an intern.
The first place the telecommunications bill should have mandated that a V-chip be placed was in Mr. Jenny's shorts.
My favorite moment on World News Tonight was when Peter threw it to Koki Roberts, who, we were told, was standing outside the Capitol building.
Remember that?
When they chromakeyed Koki outside the Capitol?
That happened during my friend Rick Kaplan's watch.
Bill Clinton's worst media day is when Kaplan left as executive producer of World News Tonight because he'd hump the Clinton administration harder than O.J.
has his video.
The only thing he didn't do was run a crawl of the Clinton Defense Fund's 800 number with a shot of Sally Struthers sobbing in the camera.
By the way, I like Sally Struthers.
I think she's a sweet, harmless soul doing God's work.
If you're going to go on television and beg for food for starving children, I mean... Shouldn't you maybe like eat a little less of it yourself?
I mean, I don't think the plight of suffering children is amusing.
I've raised... I mean, they might as well send a fat guy from Wendy's.
And by the way, this is really awful.
If you're Peter Jennings and you're telling more Americans than anyone else what's going on in the world, shouldn't you have at least had a clue that your wife is over at Richard Goldman's house?
She wasn't at my house.
Bernard Shaw and Peter couldn't be here tonight.
He went to the movies with Alanis Morissette.
Bernard Shaw and Judy Woodruff round out our network news anchors and deserve mention only to recognize that Bernie has greater nut potential than even Dan Rather.
If not for CNN, Bernard Shaw is at the post office marching somebody around at the end of a wire coat hanger and a shotgun.
And then there are the Sunday morning news programs.
This week with David Brinkley.
I love Mr. Brinkley.
He's an American icon.
He and I both had similar surgeries.
And I recognize that Mr. Brinkley is 75 years old.
He's adorable.
He also, frankly, looks like E.T.
One of these mornings, I expect him to say, Koki, hon hon.
Now, he's not the only extraterrestrial on the program.
There's also Sam Donaldson and George Will.
First, Sam, the New Mexico sheep rancher.
You would think anyone who's taken as much money from the government in wool subsidies as he has could come up with something better to put on his head.
I mean, what is that?
Something Strom Thurmond threw out?
A cheap doily he swiped at Arianna Huffington's house?
And then there's George Will and they call Steve Forbes a geek.
Anyone that buttoned up, I guarantee you, is spending part of his weekends wearing clothes That make him feel pretty.
Things he's picked up we now know at Victoria's Secret over in Georgetown.
Meet the press with the utterly charming, gregarious Tim Russert has brought a new sense of adventure and enthusiasm to Sunday morning television.
Mr. Russert's unique probing and interrogation of guests is widely seen as bold and refreshing.
Sawing off Bob Terry's wooden leg was a special moment.
Good-natured, however, and patient to a fault, Tim is to be admired for enduring frequently insipid observations and questions from contributing correspondents who, for some inexplicable reason, include the coma-inducing William Sapphire, the terminally tedious David Broder, and Elton John look-alike, Mary McGrory.
Where did she get those glasses?
By the way, Russard, as many of you know, came to television from the world of politics, having once worked for New York's Senator Moynihan and Governor Cuomo.
He was a fine aide, whose duties included hiding the bottles for Pat and the bodies for Mario.
Some of you may have noticed Mike Wallace wandering around here tonight.
For some insane reason, I agreed to be interviewed by Mr. Wallace.
It's a good thing, actually, because, frankly, time is up over there at 60 minutes.
I mean, they've gone from biographical essays of Martin Luther King, Mother Teresa, Stephen Hawking, to profiles of blab-mouth morons on the radio.
I mean, have they no standards?
And if they're going to fold up like a $2 suitcase every time some blood-sucking weasel in a Brooks Brothers suit threatens to haul them into court, then upload the entire cast in an amulet now and ship them off to the drug test.
I mean, I hate to be harsh here, but where are the days when Mike Wallace used to stick a camera in some poor sap's face and beat him like a rented mule?
Where are the sobbing confessions?
And they've been doing this for a hundred years.
It is over.
Except perhaps for Steve Croft, and he's hoping he can go over to NBC and blow up trucks.
And Ed Bradley, rethink the air ring thing, Ed.
Ed, you're a newsman, not a pirate.
Molly Ivins is going to be a commentator.
Amen.
Amen.
Why not just go ahead and get Florence King?
I told you in Thornburg, pleasure isn't jokes when funny.
Speaking of people whose place on the planet is a waste of space, the White House Press Corps.
I mean, no wonder the President doesn't want to hold any news conferences.
Who needs to be assaulted by a pack of rodents whose idea of a question is to confront the President with an insulting observation designed only to impress their equally rude and arrogant colleagues?
Mr. President, to Rita Braver, CBS News, we all know you're a pot-smoking weasel if you once ate an apple critter the size of a baby's head and that you actually run a 12-minute mile.
Could you, therefore, tell the American people why that thing on your lip looks like a melt-dud?
And if it is a melt-dud, then I'd like a follow-up.
Sir, Brent here may be senior.
Sir, everybody knows the closest you ever came to standing in a child line was the cheeseburger window at McDonald's.
So tell me, in the American people, is that where you came up with buy one, get one free?
The President gets treated better by Rush Limbaugh.
Rush may not, as Al Franken suggests, be a big fat idiot, but I'm sick of him.
The radio show, the television show, the stupid books, and now men's ties.
Bold, vibrant, colorful, and all designed to look great with a brown shirt.
What a surprise that Rush is selling something that goes around a person's neck.
And Rush didn't date in high school?
You're kidding.
You mean the varsity cheerleaders weren't falling all over a fat pig-eyed schmoo who looks like a cross between a red dog and one of those Budweiser frogs?
He should be on a beach somewhere in a pair of Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, white socks, sandals holding a metal detector.
He couldn't get a date in high school?
Maybe they should have had his senior prom at SeaWorld.
Remember the old joke, what's got a hundred feet and four teeth?
You know, the front row at a Willie Nelson concert?
Well, of course, now it's a rush room.
How appropriate that these ditto dorks all get together and eat and listen to Lard Butt.
And then there's Newt.
Who, uh, who names a child Newt?
And only slightly better than a boy named Sue.
Well, he came into the world from the right side of town, Georgia boy who was big and round, dreaming one day he'd wield power absolute.
He's a guy who spends a lot of time in a fridge, and it's no wonder he wants to bring back the orphanage.
You would, too, if your parents named you Newt.
Now, all you atheists had better beware, because schoolchildren's heads will be bowed in prayer to seek to the Lord to get rid of the poor and the queers.
Remember, Newt and his conservative proteges were going to fix this country in a hundred days, and he was so proud he was on the verge of tears.
But now the ethics folks are snooping for cash, and His cheesy book was less than a smash, and the polls all report he's held in disrepute.
His sister's a thespian and appeared on Friends.
And his poor old mom's still trying to make amends.
I'll tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Newt.
And it was Newt, remember, who wanted to give every kid mired in the poverty of urban America a laptop computer.
Not nearly as popular as Phil Graham's plan to give every white male in the country a lap dancer.
My friend, Kinky Friedman, who headed Gay Texans for Graham, told me early on that the Senator was not going to be President.
Now, of course, we all know that.
I was in Las Vegas when the news broke that Senator Graham had financed a porno movie.
It was better than having Ed McMahon hand me a check for ten million dollars.
Only better news would have been had Senator Graham actually appeared in a movie.
I mean, how great would that have been?
I could, like one of those farmer's daughter deals, I could see Phil in a role of a traveling salesman.
Lamar Alexander, like as a farmer.
Pat Buchanan, the weird ranch hand.
One of John Kerry's old dates.
Right off the bale of hay on Heehaw.
And by the way, what was the deal with the wagon?
Pull the wagon.
Push the wagon.
Get in the wagon.
Get out of the wagon.
What wagon?
Where did he think he was?
The Ponderosa?
Senator Graham was fond of saying he was too ugly to be President.
Well, that was not his problem.
I know he has a Ph.D.
in economics, but you can't sound like you just walked out of the woods in deliverance and not scare people.
You got a real party mouth on you there, Bubba.
Not happening.
Bob Dole.
What else does Bob Dole want?
Willard Scott's already wished Bob Dole happy birthday.
Twice.
Amen.
Thank you.
Bob Dole should be pleased.
Bob Dole says, tell Willard Scott to stop lying about Bob Dole's age.
And I agree with Ted Koppel.
Pat Buchanan has a certain inherent charm.
However, if he gets elected president, two weeks later somebody's knocking on your door at three o'clock in the morning.
Just checking.
Kind of a name of Imus.
Although, All this stuff about being anti-Semitic, I don't know about that.
A lot of people aren't aware that he lost a relative in a concentration camp.
His uncle fell out of a guard tower.
Mort Saul made the original observation that people who talk most about family values are all on their second and third wives.
And I would point out that they all have families you could rope off and charge admission to view.
You throw up a tent, put Pat Buchanan, his brother, Bay, Newt, Mom, Candace, and Hugh Rodham in it, and you're looking at the theme park.
Now, I love... I love Ronald Reagan, as do most Americans.
Regardless of politics, but man, what a weird family.
Nancy staring at him like a glass-eyed moony on mushrooms.
Checking with this nut log out on the West Coast who's charting the course of the country on a Ouija board.
I mean, what was that all about?
And the kid, Ron, cramping around in his underwear on Saturday Night Live, and Patty's naked in Playboy, and each of them had these Mommy Dearest book deals.
And of course, they all still hate Michael.
We're a family that's not confined to Republicans, of course.
Remember the Carters?
Pam Jordan and Willie Nelson are smoking dope on the roof of the White House, and Billy's out in the middle of an airport holding down the runway, while Jimmy's flailing away at a killer bunny with a canoe paddle, asking Amy to weigh in on America's role in the nuclear age.
And while President Clinton's cabinet is not technically a family, they are the single oddest looking group of people ever assembled.
Like the bar scene out of Star Wars.
I mean, watching them file in for the State of the Union reminded me of seeing all those clowns crawl out of the Volkswagen as a circus.
And speaking of Congress, while Mal D'Amato, Jesse Helms, and Strom Thurmond are mildly amusing as the chairmen of various committees, I miss the Democrats who were in charge.
Especially Joe Biden.
And Joe Biden's head.
Tracking the progress of his plug job is like watching time-lapse photography of a Chia pet.
He was most entertaining, however, as a committee chairman conducting hearings because Senator Biden always looked at me like he was coming on to the witnesses.
Excuse my women.
So, Anita, when this is all over, you want to have a drink?
And although he's disappeared, he hasn't, as have 13 of his colleagues, actually quit.
Of course, there are those Democrats who are not only staying, but are doing so with renewed vigor and enthusiasm.
Mostly by becoming Republicans.
With several noble exceptions, John Kerry of Massachusetts among them, which now gives me the opportunity to express my regret at having referred to my friend Senator Kerry upon his marriage to Theresa Hines as the Larry Portesky of the United States Senate.
Which reminds me of poor old John Warner.
The Senator marries Elizabeth Taylor, one of the most beautiful women in the world, Three weeks later, he comes home.
She's sitting in the kitchen playing deal-a-meal with Richard Simmons.
I mean, how do you get that fast and not live in a trailer?
And then he has to choose between Chuck Robb and Oliver North.
I mean, what's the deal with his karma?
But back to Senator Kerry.
I also now recognize that it was irresponsible to suggest that he was a suspect in his own wife's unfortunate mugging.
If the authorities thought it made sense that a senator from Massachusetts But being Puerto Rico on a fundraising mission during the time of family crisis, it should have made sense to me as well.
However, when I initially thought about it, it only seemed slightly more plausible than tipping golf balls at 10 o'clock at night.
But the Senator and I are past that, and in fact it has brought us closer.
And yes, some unanticipated good for other Democrats came out of the Republicans gaining control of Congress.
Senator Kennedy For example, was forced to focus and take a bribe, leaving Chris Dodd the opportunity to get his bearings and realize, hey, I'm a United States Senator, maybe I shouldn't be crawling around on the floor of this restaurant.
In fact, as you know, Senator Dodd has recovered sufficiently to become the General Chairman of the Democratic National Committee and will play a pivotal role in the President's re-election effort.
In fact, he has a couple bumper sticker ideas.
Clinton-Gore, please raise your right hand.
Or perhaps, Clinton-Gore, four more, or five to ten.
Now we're not sure what role James Carville or his dog will play in all this, but isn't it just like a Democratic consultant to come along and make a mess, and then expect somebody else to clean it up?
While I am not one of, obviously, Bill Clinton's advisors, and it's not that I think Al Gore has done a horrible job, However, if I were the President, and I wanted to make sure I won in November, I'd ask Colin Powell to run with me.
Stick Dole with that dork from Michigan.
However, it appears it will be Bill Clinton and the albatross, our dork for the Democrats, and Bob Dole and someone slightly less cranky for the Republicans, and the jug-eared little Martian from Texas for laughs.
One of the things that seems to me that the media ought to think about in the coming months, particularly in this election year, consumed by the chaos of the campaign, is the sensibilities of the people who you cover, the way you cover them, and your treatment of them as individuals.
For if nothing else, they are all good and decent people who, for whatever reasons, have chosen to devote the bulk of their adult lives to public service.
People who possess a passion for ideas and ideals, To which they have committed extraordinary energy.
It is almost always irrelevant and short-sighted to seize only on the unfortunate human imperfections of people who, frankly, have demonstrated an often puzzling willingness to endure great sacrifice both personally and professionally for what they see as a noble summons to serve the greater good.
More often than not, however, that is exactly the case.
You folks focus on each misstep, every misspoken word, I don't think so.
testy outbursts.
Do they not deserve some degree of our respect?
To be treated with the dignity that at least acknowledges the mission of altruism they believe they're conducting shouldn't we be willing to give them some benefit of the doubt?
I don't think so.
Thank you all very much.
Thank you.
And.
An enchanted moment has lifted me through.
It's from now that I surrender this warrior just to be with you.
The love tonight is where we are It's not the white-eyed wonderer That we've got this part
Can't be the love tonight I was led to rest And I'll make you the love tonight
The love tonight is where we are It's not the love tonight, but I'll make you the love tonight. but I'll make you the love tonight.
You fail when you learn.
But the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turns.
There's a rhyme and reason through the wild outdoors.
In the heart of this dark, rough voyage, peace is coming with yours.
Can you feel the love tonight?
The love tonight Is where we are It's enough For this wide-eyed wonder That we've got this far
And can't be the love tonight I was led to rest It's enough Let's change that I'm back up on The leap of everything
It's nice to make you stand back alone To leave the bed there Well, I hope everybody got a good laugh out of that Yeah.
And I hope you all appreciate that Don Imus sort of put himself on the line there.
And the President is probably singing, You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog.
So, he will not, I'm sure, be invited to any more functions to speak.
When the President is there.
And I think that warrants a little bit of admiration because it took a lot of courage to say a lot of the things that he said.
At the beginning of the program I was talking about some of you didn't understand what the broadcast was last night, why we're doing this thing on Karl Marx.
Well, I'm going to read you a letter.
This letter is brutally honest.
Actually, it's a fax.
Brutally honest.
So listen very carefully to it.
And take the hint, folks.
If you're not up to the standards of this broadcast, you can also take a hike.
It's just the way it is.
Here's the letter.
Dear Bill, maybe you should explain to the listeners once again what you were doing last night with your research into the racist attitudes and beliefs of Marx and Engels, etc., and why it is important for them to understand what you are telling them.
I think the information is going over many heads.
I have fielded phone calls today from callers asking, quote, Why was Bill lecturing last night?
end quote.
What was the point of all that?
With everything else that's going on in the world, I can't understand why he spent an hour on that stuff.
What's the deal, man?
Well, I have explained that the victim mentality which is promoted and rewarded in this country leads to an embracing of socialist ideologies which, if they were understood in light of the men who gave structure to the philosophy, most would find abhorrent, especially if they have been recipients of the alleged benefits of the socialist philosophy.
If they were honest, For even one minute, and gave this matter some thought, they would have to admit that everything which has been done, quote, for the good of the people, end quote, which is based on a socialist doctrine, has been destructive, punitive, leads into captivity and annihilates self-reliance and self-respect.
It may be necessary to speak to some of these listeners at a lower grade level, as it were.
A listening Of certain sacred cow socialist ideals and programs needs to be once again labeled as socialist, then identified with Marxism, and then exposed as intended for the destruction of the recipients, as documented in the racist writings of Marx, etc.
If the phone calls I have handled today are any indication at all of the kind of reaction your program is having overall, I would have to say that the material is over their heads.
In addition to the less than receptive reaction I have observed to last night's hour of the time, there is a disturbing attitude concerning the beating of the alleged illegal immigrants by California law enforcement officers last night.
Far too many people are saying, quote, well, in California they're really fighting illegal immigration.
And they know those people are going to resist and fight back.
the cops did what they probably had to do." In response to these and similar comments, I have explained an agenda of desensitizing the public to seeing this kind of behavior, and have asked if any of the callers observed any signs of resistance in the people being pulled from the truck.
None had seen evidence that the people in the truck were being pulled.
We're trying to fight law enforcement.
No one saw the arrestees pulling a weapon or trying to hit the officers.
I suggested that they might rethink the situation if they were being pulled over for a speeding ticket.
Did not resist, but were beaten anyway.
These beatings are just another manifestation of, quote, guilty until proven innocent, end quote.
These remarks coming from people who supposedly are Constitutionists.
Additionally, I've discussed the alien issue at great length with many people, trying to make them understand that before too long, patriots will be the aliens.
We can achieve nothing in exile, in prison, or from the grave.
People are so stupid, I can hardly stand it.
I just couldn't say that word on the air, folks.
It's brutal.
And it's right to the point.
As far as I'm concerned, it's absolutely accurate.
That's the letter.
I'm going to tell you right now, I'm not going to explain anything.
If you don't have the intelligence of a duck, and I know a lot of ducks that can understand what I did last night, then you need to tune in to some other broadcast somewhere else.
You are not fit to listen to the Hour of the Time.
Good night, folks, those of you who deserve it, and for all of you, no matter who you are, what your intelligence level is, God bless you.
I hope he does.
Maybe he'll bring your level up to speed.
See you later, Rattatater!
Well, I saw my baby walkin' with another man today.
Well, I saw my baby walkin' with another man today.
Well, if you ask me what's the matter, this is what I heard him say.
See you later alligator, after five o'clock tonight.
After wild crocodile, see her on her head.
After wild crocodile, can't see her in my way now.
Don't you know you step aside?
When I thought of what she told me, dearly made me lose my head.
When I thought of what she told me, dearly made me lose my head.
But the next time that I saw her, dearly reminded her of what she did, dearly made me lose my head.
See you later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
See you later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Can't you see you're in my way now?
Can't you see her in my way down?
Don't you know you're never shy?
She said, "I'm sorry, pretty daddy." pretty daddy." You know my love is just for you.
She said, I'm sorry, pretty daddy.
You know my love is just for you.
Won't you say that you'll forgive me?
And tell your love for me is true.
I said, wait a minute, Gator.
I know you mean it just for playin'.
I said, wait a minute, Gator.
I know you mean it just for playin'.
Don't you know you never hurt me?
And this is what I have to say.
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