Secret Docs, Divisive Spokescandies, Family Board Games
Kira Davis joins The Babylon Bee again to laugh at all their nerdy board games and find more top secret classified documents. Kyle also talks to Patricia Heaton and David Hunt about their new life-affirming movie Unexpected which begins streaming in February! This is the episode where The Babylon Bee begins to wonder: is something off about Kira? Apparently, there are top secret documents everywhere and America is sending its top-of-the-line main battle tanks to Ukraine. Also, M&M's apologized for its divisive spokescandies, but do not worry! They have a plan to unite America once again! Sizzler Facts is ushering in a quiet revolution around America (outside the Sizzler Dead Zone) and The Babylon Bee continues getting spicy hate mail. In the subscriber portion, the Bee asks Kira the Second Ten Questions and runs through their lists of their favorite tabletop games that are a "step up" from the family fare. Kira Davis has a new book out now called Drawing Lines: https://www.amazon.com/Drawing-Lines-Conservatives-Battle-Fiercely-ebook/dp/B0BNP1PJJ5 Check out the new movie, streaming in February: Unexpected. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt11620708/ This episode is brought to you by our wonderful sponsors who you should absolutely check out: Private Internet Access: https://www.piavpn.com/TheBabylonBee (get 83% off with THIS LINK) The Anchored Podcast by CLT Exam: https://www.cltexam.com/Bee Allegiance Gold: https://allegiancegold.com/bee
Adam Jenser has been raptured and we've all been left behind.
America is sending its top of the line tanks to Ukraine.
This is fine.
And yet another blow to Biden's employment numbers.
All the eminent spokeskins have been laid off.
All this and more on the Babylon Bee Podcast.
All right, everyone, welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast.
I'm hanging out today with my friends Dan Brandon and Kira Davis, everybody's favorite podcast guest here at the Babylon Bee.
How you doing, Kira?
I am doing great.
Happy New Year to you guys.
Happy New Year.
Happy Chinese New Year to me.
Oh, yes.
Happy Chinese New Year to you.
I'm sorry.
Year of the.
What year is it?
It's a year.
What year is it?
Oh, they transitioned.
You're so Chinese.
They transitioned from the year of the tiger to the year of the rabbit.
And I know that because there's a video of this Chinese zoo.
They had this ceremony transitioning from the tiger to the rabbit.
And they thought it would be a great idea to put a tiger and a rabbit on a podium together.
I'll let you guess what happened.
The rabbit leaped with its sharp teeth.
Something like that.
Well, it's the year of the bee here at the Babylon Bee.
Nice segue.
Very well done.
And we have Babylon Bee Live coming up, which is super exciting, February 24th in Fort Worth, Texas.
And three of the people that you see on the screen right now are going to be hosting that podcast live on stage.
I'll let you guess which one.
You can guess which three.
Did you guess?
You might have been right.
Leave it in the comments down below.
We'll see.
But yeah, Kira's going to be joining us out there.
And so we're so excited to be here.
I can't wait.
It's going to be so fun.
Yeah, you're always, we don't like having you on sometimes because people comment and say, why isn't Kira just doing your podcast?
It's very bold.
I actually get such a kick out of people who say, oh, Kira's like one of the favorite guests on Babylon Bee because you guys have the coolest guests on here.
So I'm always like, you could have any, you guys could ask for anybody.
So whenever somebody says, oh, we love seeing you, Kira.
We can't wait to see you again.
It's such an honor.
We could have the coolest guests.
That's why we have Kira.
You're my favorite.
Dan's my favorite.
And also the favorite is the one who will not be on stage.
Right.
Well, I like people who aren't going to be stealing my spotlight, my thunder.
So it's easier for me to get along with Daniel.
That's true.
Yeah.
Well, the thing is with podcasts, the best way to host a podcast is to be good at talking.
Yeah.
And none of us are.
Well, you are, but the rest of us are not.
Yeah, then talking is literally what I do for a living.
And I do it because I never shut up.
It's why my husband is really supportive of this career.
It's like, well, as long as you're talking to somebody else all the time, I'm in full support of it.
So thank you.
I mean, not only are you good at talking, but you are good at talking words onto a page in your book, Drawing Lines.
Yes.
You want to tell us a little bit about this?
Thank you.
Well, I am so thrilled this week.
My new book has published Drawing Lines.
Thank you.
Why conservatives must begin to battle fiercely in the arena of ideas.
And it is a book about everybody.
It's basically it's time to stop complaining.
Everybody's wondering, you know, what can I do?
I feel like we're losing the culture.
We're losing everything.
And I got to this point one day where I was like, you know what?
I'm sick of everybody just complaining and acting like the culture is gone.
We've lost everything.
It's definitely, we're definitely in trying times, but there's a lot that we can do to wrestle back the culture.
And I think there's conservatives have been standing by for far too long.
I think because we're very, for the most part, agreeable people, especially Christian conservatives, you know, we're very agreeable people.
So we never want to be causing trouble.
We never want to be arguing with people.
And it's, I believe that's why the culture has left us behind.
So it's time for people to decide where your line in the sand is.
Draw that line.
For me, it was critical race theory.
That's really when I was like, oh, I've had just about enough.
And then on top of that, the transgender stuff, they went hand in hand.
But for you, it might be something else.
So I outline different issues in the book, what I consider the top cultural issues of the day.
I give you arguments, you know, just sort of logical, kind of down-to-earth.
It's sort of activism for dummies.
It's not really that complicated, but it's just here's some arguments why you need to be involved in this particular issue.
And then I don't just leave it there.
I just give you suggestions about what you can do right where you are.
You know, I ran for office.
I ran for school board in the fall.
I lost, but maybe not everybody wants to run for office.
So I give you ideas about what you could do right where you are.
But what I don't want you to do is keep giving me excuses about why we're losing and why everything is hopeless.
Like we're going to lose if people are just going to sit around and feel sorry for themselves.
But there's still plenty of winning out there to be had, I believe.
Is it a good strategy to spend all day on Facebook arguing with your liberal friends?
Yeah, I actually do address that in the book, and the answer is no.
No, sad.
Yeah, no.
That's all I do.
Yeah, sorry.
I did some informal polling and I discovered that no one has actually ever changed their mind from a Facebook comment or a Facebook post.
I think the biggest win I've ever had on Facebook is I had one of my liberal friends admit this is the first time that I haven't seen capitalism in an entirely negative light.
I'm paraphrasing.
That's pretty good.
Wow.
Well, can I talk about some of the chapters in here?
Yeah, I just want to introduce you to some of the chapters here.
Oh, what's that?
What's the lowest?
Sorry, guys.
Is that part of the book?
Oh, oh, my gosh.
It's for your eyes only.
It's Joe Biden's secret documents.
Oh, my gosh.
How did that 10% for the big guy?
10%.
Interesting.
That's crazy.
I wonder.
We shouldn't have these documents.
I don't think so.
I don't know.
What do we do with that?
I don't know what even what to do.
Proper disposal.
I know.
What's the proper disposal of a coffee?
Is there like a hotline we can call?
Yeah.
1-800 FBI.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, there.
Whoa, whoa.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Uncalled for.
Chill, bro.
All right.
Okay.
It's our law enforcement, ladies and gentlemen.
All right.
That was unusual.
How did they get in here?
Who let them in?
No knowledge of wow.
That's the first time I've ever had a gun held on me at the Babylon Bee before.
That's hard for me to believe.
No, it's true.
I'll have to go back and look at the sketches and see it.
Anyway, go ahead.
Check out Kira's book.
Where can people find this out?
You can buy this, of course, at Amazon or you can go to faithfultext.com and you can order directly from the publishing company.
It's been endorsed by some heavy hitters, like Dan Bongino, who's a friend of mine.
I'm so proud to have him endorsing my book on the cover.
And of course, I would have endorsed it.
But I was not asked.
No, just like I've never asked Kyle to be on my podcast.
I've also never asked him to endorse a book.
She did say heavy hitters.
I did.
So but I do thank you guys for having me on the show to talk about my book.
I'm really proud of it.
It's my first book.
And I hope you guys will go out and support it.
And I hope you're inspired by it because you know what?
It is all hands on deck time.
And I can't tell if I feel this way because I'm getting older.
I'm like getting, I'm pushing 50.
I'm pushing it.
I'm not there yet.
I'm pushing it.
My kids are, I have a kid in college now, and maybe I just don't have as much patience as I used to, but I'm sort of sick of everybody whining.
Like, let's get in this game, guys.
We can win the culture.
It's not lost yet, but I'm really sick of everybody like saying, oh, the left is winning everything.
They don't have to.
Buy the book and find out.
She is good at the words.
Yeah, it kind of seems like conservatives historically have always been like the silent majority.
They're like, I don't want to really get involved.
I've got my day job.
I'm raising my kids.
I go to church.
But then it's a certain point.
If we don't say anything and we don't do anything, then what's going to happen?
When I was running for school board, as you guys know, again, I would knock on doors.
I did a lot of knocking on doors, walking, talking.
And I would talk to people.
And when I would tell them what my platforms were, you know, I just want to bring sanity back to the schools.
We want to kind of get the CRT out of the schools and start reversing some of this transgender nonsense that's been going on.
A lot of people, like a lot, were like, I love everything you say.
I'm going to vote for you.
Yes.
I'm so glad that someone like you is out there running.
And then I would close with the pitch, like, that's great.
Thank you so much.
Can I put a sign in your yard?
Oh, no, no, no.
My neighbor is a Democrat and I really don't want to like cause any tension because they get weird about that kind of stuff.
It's like people didn't even want to make themselves a little uncomfortable for two weeks, even just to have a sign in the yard.
And that's what I was like brushing up against a lot.
And I get it.
I'm a very conflict-averse person.
Like I'm the peacemaker type.
I want everyone to get along.
But I just reached a boiling point several years ago where it's like, I'm the one that's being considered evil because I oppose dismembering babies.
Yeah.
And I'm the evil one.
And I just reached a boiling point and I was like, maybe people won't like me, but you know, the Bible says people aren't going to really like you.
I don't know when we got, we're went exactly the moment where we got to this place in society where we're like, we're not allowed to ever make anyone uncomfortable.
You know, like Jesus made a lot of people uncomfortable, but not on purpose, not just walking around being mean, but just his very presence made people uncomfortable.
And it's like, there's nothing wrong with if people are uncomfortable around you.
I think we've elevated niceness above kindness and compassion.
Yes.
And we conflate all those three things as if they're the same thing.
But we're more concerned.
A lot of times we're more concerned about being presented as nice or easygoing.
But kindness is not always in line with niceness.
That's right.
Compassion is not always aligned with niceness as the world sees niceness.
If it's just peace, love, and flowers, that's not always kind and compassionate.
Flowers.
I like that one.
Get rid of those flowers.
No, they're done with all this niceness.
No, I mean, and I would love to be nice, but if it's nice, if being nice means saying that we can, lying, saying that men can become women, if being nice means supporting the murder of babies, then niceness is overrated.
This is the origin story of based Brandon.
For me, it was the pandemic.
It was when you couldn't walk into a store without a mask and people would confront you.
And I started to go, you know what?
I don't care.
Like, I just don't care.
I'm not the one causing trouble.
I'm living my life normally.
You are the weird ones.
And that was the moment that I decided I was going to stop not, I was going to stop caring so much about confrontation.
I want to stick it out, but if I walk in a store normally and you confront me, then fine, whatever.
I don't care.
I did.
Yeah, I did what you did.
But I think for me, that all came to a head during my school board race because the unions were so and the progressives were so cruel So aggressive that I was used to dealing with that.
I'm used to dealing with that in my day job, right?
As an opinion writer for a blog, a website, keep calling it blog, a website called Red State.
Obviously, you have people as a black conservative, especially who are going to be mean to you.
But when it's people in your own community, it's super weird, right?
Because I socialize with these people.
Our kids go to school together, but they were so aggressive and they would show up in hordes at the school board meetings when they knew I was going to speak on an issue.
We had Libs of TikTok picked up one of our teachers, right, and blew her up because she was transitioning, an English teacher at San Juan Hills High School.
She was transitioning and she had a TikTok account that was monitoring her.
You know, she would show her transition.
So when she had her breasts removed, she showed the surgery scars and she had a queer library in the school that was full of pornographic materials.
So we obviously were protesting it and they'd show up and they would call me the most horrible things and you can't respond because it's a meaning and there's a format.
And they would just say, you know, you're transphobe, you're a homophobe.
She hopes that gay kids die.
And, you know, and that's when I was like, you know, what am I being nice for?
Like, I'm holding my tongue in some cases because I don't want people to think poorly of me.
But you know what?
This is, these people are coming for my kid now.
You know, that's when it's time to like not be nice anymore.
As soon as you get in between me and my kid, I'm not going to be nice anymore.
I'm with you, Brandon.
I'll be kind and respectful.
I'm called to treat people a certain way, you know, as a child of the kingdom.
But, you know, as far as just sort of being agreeable, that's over.
And the things that I can or can't say, no, those don't apply to me anymore.
I'll say what I want.
It sounds like you're drawing lines.
Yes.
You got the Travis laugh of it.
Very good.
All right, everyone.
Well, please check out her book and go to BabylonBLive.com so you can get tickets and join us at BeLive on February 24th in Fort Worth, Texas.
Yeah.
It's going to be a great time.
For this episode, though, we've got fun stuff in store for you today.
We're going to play a board game live.
That sounds thrilling.
We're going to give you our top five board games for your family to play so you can break your kids' smartphones, sit around the table, and have fun.
We've got a consume segment.
We've got Sizzler Facts.
It is an action-packed episode.
Let's dive in.
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It's time to consume.
All right, this is our second consume segment that we've ever done.
This is a segment where we talk about books we're reading, movies we're watching, video games we're fiddling around with, and such.
So, no necessary format here.
I don't know what the format is.
So, let's just dive into it.
I mentioned last week I've been playing Breath of the Wild on my Switch.
I'm a few hours into it now, and I'm really taking it slow.
not trying to rush the divine beasts.
I'm just trying to wander the...
Why are you laughing at me?
I'm just trying to wander the open area and have a good time, you know, relax after work.
I'm familiar with the game.
I'm just trying to imagine what a third party who has no knowledge of the game would be.
I'm not trying to rush the divine beast.
Kira, what does that mean?
I think that I actually, I'm not a gamer, but I have a son in games.
So I think what you're really saying is you're exploring the world.
Yes.
Thank you, Kira.
See, I'm not weird.
See, you remember, I don't know if you ever watched Key and Peel about during the Obama administration.
They used to do this Obama's anger interpretation.
I should be the nerd translator.
He's exploring the world.
He's exploring the world.
Yeah.
I also restarted watching Avatar the Last Airbender.
Why?
What?
You don't like Avatar the Last Airbender?
The cartoons?
Oh, the cartoon.
The animated series.
The anime.
The animated?
The animated series.
Oh, for some reason, I just was thinking about the movie, The M-Night.
No, no.
I've never seen that.
My kids went and watched it and said, no, don't watch it.
It's horrible.
I have not seen it.
It has nothing to do with it.
But I forgot how good these, I forgot how good they used to do stories and these kinds of things.
The funny thing is the Avatar 2 movie, the James Cameron movie, just came out a few weeks ago in theaters, and it's called The Way of Water.
And I heard the next one's going to be like something about fire, really?
The Fire Nation?
Is it going to be the Fire Nation?
And then they're going to go to the Earth Kingdom or something.
I don't know.
Now we're all going to be very confused.
I know.
Well, one was successful and one is just going to be buried in the annals of time.
Which one are you talking about?
I'm talking about the James Cameron one.
Buried in the Annals of Time?
No.
Oh, James Cameron will be obviously.
Well, it makes a lot of money, but I also think I feel like it is also buried because I don't remember a single thing from the first Avatar movie.
Yeah.
You know, it's like one of those movies that like you watch and you're like, okay, that was technically impressive, but then I don't understand the hype.
I don't get it either.
I don't get why it's like the highest grossing movie of all time.
I saw the original one in theaters and I walked out and immediately forgot what I watched.
It was like so forgettable.
Yeah, I'm not like if you go to like Star Wars or Lord of the Rings, like you're, you see those costumes every Halloween.
You can quote lines from them and people will know.
But those Avatar movie, yeah, again, even speaking of James Cameron movies like even Terminator 2 or Titanic, like you can quote, there's so many quotable James Cameron movies, but like Avatar.
I quote Titanic often.
I dress up as a novie every time.
Of course you do because there's always somewhere you go to the show.
I'd rather dress up as Kate Winslet quite often.
Kyle is famous for his Kate Winslet cosplay.
I started listening to The Pilgrim's Progress on audiobook again.
Absolutely loving it.
One of my favorite books of all time.
Dan hates it.
I don't know why.
He's just weird.
I can't get into Pilgrim's Progress.
I really like the postmodern Pilgrim's Progress.
So I read that and I went back to Pilgrim's Progress to try to read it and I got 100 pages in and just got stuck and I couldn't find it.
It does have a little more exposition than I remember where they get to something and it's like, this is, you know, there's like a man in a cage and then it's like, and then he stops and he goes, the man in the cage represents you in your sin.
You know, and I'm like, yeah, I got that.
I think that's what it is.
Everything is so one-to-one and it's expositional.
It's like everything is explained.
Nothing's ever left to your imagination to like, oh, maybe it's this or maybe it's that.
The funny thing is the first time I read this, I don't know how old I was, probably possibly under 10.
And just maybe my brain wasn't developed enough.
I didn't even read it as allegory.
I just read it as a story.
The entire thing is a story.
You're like, oh, it represents something.
I didn't even think about that because I probably didn't know what half the words meant.
Like, so I just thought they were character names.
Wow.
When I was 10, I read Helter Skelter.
Oh.
That's the Charles Mansey murder book.
That's what I remember reading.
Did you really read that when you read it?
I did.
I did because we lived in the country.
I lived with my mom, rural Canada, and we lived in the country.
And so you can only get to the library every so often.
So, um, that was the only book left.
We get it.
No, it was the only, it was the only book when I would go through my library books because you could only check out like what six or seven at a time.
And we only went every two weeks.
So, me and my mom were avid readers.
So, when I would go through my books, I would start picking through my mom's books that she got.
And every now and then, there would be something that was like readable.
And Helter Skelter had pictures in it and brutal, horrific, gory pictures of murder in it, but pictures nonetheless.
So, I thought, well, I'll just read this book.
And I, and I did read it, and it was horrifying.
And I didn't understand that it was real.
Like, I thought it was a real event until I got to the end of the book.
And then they started talking about what happened to Charles Manson and where he was at that day.
Anyway, yeah.
But I'm totally normal.
It's expensive.
Why are you guys looking at me so weird?
I'm totally normal.
You have to caveat the end of your story with.
Don't worry.
I'm totally normal.
No, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
But no blue people in that book.
No.
Sad.
A lot of red people covered in all covered in black.
Anyway.
I finished my first book of the year, Applied Economics, which Brandon recommended to me, Thomas Soule.
And then I got basic economics for my birthday.
So I'm excited.
Did you read applied economics before basic economics?
So it is the short version of basic.
I recommend it.
It's much short.
I recommended applied economics before diving in.
If you like applied economics, you'll like basic economics.
Basic economics is like this thing.
It's a tone.
Applied as a.
It does seem backwards.
It seems like you should do the basic one first and then apply it.
I say they're applied because they're like examples.
It's like a bunch of examples.
But if you read them in alphabetical order, then A becomes before B.
Now you can wear your Thomas Olfax shirt and not be fraudulent.
I also got The Moon is a Harsh Mistress for my birthday.
Have you read this?
I have.
Is it good?
It's good.
Okay, I'm excited.
It's quite good this soon.
And then to finish mine up, I started reading with the Church Bible Study group.
I started reading Disciplines of a Godly Man.
It's like 20 years old, but they have an updated edition.
And so good.
And I know we've done a lot of tangents, but just really quick, since you mentioned the moon, did you guys hear about the Chelsea Handler thing recently?
She thought the moon up until she was 40 years old, she believed that the sun and the moon were the same thing.
She just said that.
She just admitted that a few days ago.
That she believed the sun and the moon were the same thing.
I hope she's joking for the sake of human beings.
She's just like calling her, like, I'm kind of an idiot.
Hoped she was joking.
Yeah.
It was in like dim mode or something.
Yeah, basically.
I don't understand.
It's like, yeah, basically, I just thought that the, you know, it was just like a different version of the sun coming back up.
It's like so bizarre.
Yeah.
And even if you did think that, why would you say that publicly?
I think she was joking.
If it was a joke, that's possibly the first moderately funny joke she's ever told.
Kira, what are you consuming lately?
Well, my family and I just started watching The Last of Us on HBO Map.
What do you think of it?
I love it.
I was a little annoyed because the actors didn't look like the actors, but or the video game characters.
But I've heard only good things.
I don't play video games, so I have no emotional attachment to any of the material.
My daughter plays that game, plays that game, and she enjoyed it very much.
She enjoyed it.
And I really positive buzz.
Yeah, I love post-apocalyptic sort of dystopian.
I just connected it right now, The Last of Us.
I thought you said this is us.
You're like, huh, this is the post-apocalyptic.
I didn't think that was dystopian.
You get infected by a dystopian fungus and the other you get infected by an emotional fungus.
Yeah, I heard I heard last of this.
I'm looking forward to that too.
It's actually, it's excellent.
I'm a couple episodes in right now.
We're a couple episodes in, only two, but yeah.
So that's a great show.
I recommend it if you're into that dystopian sort of sci-fi fantasy world, which I am.
I can't get enough of that stuff.
Love it.
This is us.
Check it out.
You'll be in for a totally different.
Yeah.
Like, when do the man-eating fungus come in?
There's something in my back.
This is season five.
Okay.
What is it?
Okay.
Do we have to stop?
Are you okay?
Oh my gosh.
Packet that says classified documents.
Joe, don't take these home.
Just stuffed under my cheeks.
Who's Joe?
Crazy.
We don't have a Joe.
We don't have a Joe here.
Is it Joel?
Joel?
Joel?
No.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh, my gosh.
Hey.
Oh, my God.
Hey.
No, no, no.
Is he just like standing outside the studio door?
I think he's our personally assigned FBI agent.
That's the new group of classified documents we have found in the B studios today.
That's hopefully there aren't any more because it's really weird.
I'm sure there aren't more.
And a lot of people, this is a common thing that happens.
Did that guy kind of look like Travis?
Maybe.
Oh, not really.
I don't think Travis has a twin brother.
No.
In the FBI?
He has a twin brother, but he works for the CEO.
Okay, Mr. Conspiracy Theory, Mr. Tinfoil Hat.
Okay.
Well, Dan, where are you consuming?
Well, I didn't get to tell you.
I didn't get to tell you.
I'm also reading a very interesting book called The Sociopath Next Door, which is a book of.
And I'm totally normal.
We just want to clarify before she says this that she's totally normal.
No, I'm totally, I'm completely normal.
It's a book about sociopathic tendencies and how you can identify those in people and why some people are sociopaths.
It's really a deep dive into like human consciousness.
Sometimes I think I'm a sociopath.
No, if you think you are, then you're not.
Okay.
Is anybody in this room displaying any tendencies towards sociopathy?
Dan.
Dan, yes.
Very, yeah.
Signs include reading health or skeleton.
It's definitely not me.
I do have a funny story, though.
I went to my church's men's Bible study for the first time last night, and I don't like meeting new people, you know, and I'm very awkward.
And I was just sitting there like this, like listening to all the discussion or whatever, and I don't say anything.
And the leader leans over and he's like, hey, are you okay?
And I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm just listening.
And he's like, all right.
You're like, I'm just an introvert.
I think I'm a sociopath.
No, if you think you're a sociopath, you're not a sociopath.
You must have just been glaring at everybody or something.
He's like, this guy's going to shoot this place up.
Do we need to call somebody?
Anyways.
All right.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
I'm learning a lot.
Are you consuming anything else?
I don't want to step on those.
Are my main things.
I have a myopic focus.
I'm the type of person like I latch onto something and I'll just do that one.
That's better because like when I'm like, I'm saying, oh, I'm starting this.
I'm starting this.
I won't finish half of this stuff.
That's part of it.
Problem.
Dan, what do you consider?
Might be a problem.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So for me, I'm consuming lots of stuff.
We've been playing lots of board games here at the office.
So we played the Kings of Israel.
After hours, of course.
Right.
Wow.
Not never during hours.
Never during a podcast.
They worked.
Have to work hard, obviously, all day long.
So we played Kings of Israel, which I think is just awesome.
It's kind of like a ripoff.
It's a ripoff of pandemic, but it's got like a layer of Old Testament plastered over it.
And it's just, it's awesome.
It's wiping out syncubes instead of disease cubes.
Right.
And you're all call it syndemic.
See this person in the cage?
That's you in your sin.
That is you.
The cube represents your sin.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But it's pretty funny the banter that happens around the table when you're playing this game because you're like, we got to get up there to the city of you know, whatever.
I don't remember all the names of the cities, but we got to get up to Megiddo because there's a bunch of sin and they just erected a golden calf and I got to build an altar and make a sacrifice and then we can get wow.
Wow.
It's fun.
It's really fun.
It's very fun.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You have good, and then there's scripture on the cards, so like you can get some devotional time in.
I insisted that we read every flavor text scripture as the card was drawn and pray after pray before every move.
That's right.
You get to knock out your entertainment and your Bible study all at one time.
Who is the Ahab in your life?
So we were playing that.
Travis and I were playing Castles of Burgundy, which is another meaty board game.
I've been reading through the Bible on my Bible reading plans.
So Genesis, Psalms, and Joshua is where I'm at right now.
I've been reading Ordinary by Michael Horton.
It's one of those orange books.
There's another orange book called Radical by David Platt.
This one's the opposite of that.
So it's ordinary.
It's just living.
It should be blue.
What is the opposite of orange?
Blue.
It should have been a blue book.
Yeah.
Purple.
It's purple.
Is it purple?
Yeah.
But it's just, it's just about living an ordinary, faithful life.
Like you just wake up, you're changing diapers, you're doing the dishes, how you serve God and just the ordinary everyday life of serving your neighbor, loving your neighbor, loving God.
And it's not these big, momentous, revolutionary things.
It's just, you just wake up with God every day.
I like that.
Yeah.
I think we have, especially as Christians, we have this idea that we're supposed to be out like just doing these huge, big, world-changing things.
You got to go on a missionary project or, you know, build a homeless shelter.
And obviously, there are people who are called to those things.
But there are times in your, there are times when just, and I think, even, especially nowadays, living an ordinary life where you like, you're, you have a family, you have a home, you serve your community, you go to work, and you, you're an upstanding person who just has, you know, traditional, right?
Lives your life according to traditional Judeo-Christian values.
That's subversive.
That's something that really stands out these days.
Purple.
You're about to say something, Kyle?
Purple is the opposite of yellow.
Because it's like the Lakers.
I mean, that's like blue and orange goes together.
The Lakers, you know, yellow and purple.
I was going to say something, and then I forgot what I was going to say.
Ordinary.
Oh, sometimes all we can muster is like getting the kids ready for church.
That's all you have to do.
I think sometimes that's I don't think we're all like here to be making a bunch of noise.
You know, the noise is all around us, and we're the calm in the storm.
And, you know, when we look, look at what's around you now.
I mean, just if you are a person who even just to say, I was, I was out with somebody last night and they were, they were asking me if I was married and I said yes, 26 years this December.
And there were like, they were floored.
They were like, I just hardly even heard of such a thing these days if you're under a certain age.
Even just to stay married in this society is like an act of rebellion.
Yeah, it really is.
That's awesome.
And then one final thing I'll mention: I got the movie Ice Age and I took it home and I just bought, I bought it at the discount store at my local library.
And I got a giant stack of stuff and that all cost me $11.
Everything was like $1 or 50 cents.
It was at the library discount store.
And so I just, I just got a bunch of movies.
I got Civil War stuff.
I got C.S. Lewis.
I got Calvin and Hobbes.
I got all of that for like $11.
My daughter's reading Animal Farm in school right now and she's just complaining endlessly about it.
That's what I said.
She's like, we're reading Animal Farm, and I was like, oh, that's a great book.
She's like, why does every grown-up say that when I say it?
Most importantly, you got the classic Snoopy and the Red Bear.
Snoopy and the Red Baron, which I also read with my four-year-old.
So my four-year-old loved Ice Age, and I haven't seen it in 20 years.
It came out in 2002.
And something that struck me immediately is like they don't make stories like this anymore.
It's like everything is so woke or ideologically driven.
It's always got like some political points trying to make.
And Ice Age is just like the baby gets separated and the whole journey of like these animals trying to bring the baby back.
Yeah.
And just holds up.
It holds up.
I like it a lot.
It's really cool.
It's a good story.
I feel like I never connected with any of those DreamWorks movies.
It just felt like Pixar knockoffs to me.
If I don't say how to train your dragon is okay too good, my wife will murder me.
So it's okay to good.
I would agree that it is somewhere in that scale.
Okay.
We loved it.
We loved how to train your dragon and my family.
It was a big, a favorite and still is to this day.
Okay.
So this week I finished Tress of the Emerald Sea by Brandon Sanderson.
It's not one of his best works, but I thought it was had some great characters, had a great world building.
The story was so-so, but forgivable.
And I think it's an excellent new addition to the Cosmere.
I want all of Brandon's quotes on the front of the books he reads.
Forgivable.
Did I say forgivable about this?
He said it was forgivable.
Oh, forgettable.
Oh.
No, no, I don't know what I said.
I thought you said it was fine.
You said the story.
Yeah, but it was forgivable.
You're probably correct.
I actually love that as a book review.
Just forgivable.
Well, it's forgivable because Sanderson's world building is just so fantastic that he created a great world.
You can overlook that for you.
He created a great world, and the story is just lackluster.
Forgivable.
And I also read He Forgives You, Brendan.
Sanderson.
I also read Upgrade by Blake Crouch.
And I would put it as one of his lower-ranking books.
I do like a good book.
I do like Blake Crouch.
I loved Dark Matter and Recursion.
This is above Abandon, but it's not one of his best.
No, he really likes Black Matter.
Do you forgive him for Blake Crouch?
Is it forgivable or not?
unforgivable um it's it's it's a little it feels derivative Like, I think recursion and dark matter were so, felt so original, and he delved into all these really unique concepts.
And this one, I feel like I've read/slash seen this in movies many times before.
So it wasn't entirely memorable.
What are you consuming?
Let us know.
Podcast at Batmalambi.com.
Let's talk about what's in the news this week.
What's in the news this week?
So American NATO countries are sending more tanks and armored vehicles to Ukraine.
I think they just announced this morning that we're sending 31 Abrams tanks to Ukraine.
So this is fine.
Yeah.
Like you do.
And Russia apparently has sent a warship within missile range of Washington, D.C. with unstoppable, nuclear-capable, hypersonic 7,000 mile per hour missiles.
Good times.
What could go wrong?
What I don't understand about that story is these are top of the line, state-of-the-art.
Like, this is the best tank in the world, and we're giving it to Ukraine.
Like, I don't understand, number one, like, what's that going to do?
30 tanks.
Is it really worth escalating?
Yeah, I don't know if 30 tanks is significant or not in the scope of the conflict.
Like, we're giving them our best technology.
And I don't really get that.
Yeah, I am so unqualified to talk about this.
What is going on over there?
But it does seem like, well, we're giving them a lot.
Like, how long is this going to go on?
I'm pretty sure this is actually the prequel to The Last of Us.
Actually, you have The Last of Us.
Well, it was climate change that messed up the I was just making a post-apocalyptic joke.
I don't know.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I've never seen This Is Us.
I took it too literally.
Obviously, it's climate change that is going to create the apocalypse.
What scares me about that story, though, is that all of the experts and all the people on mainstream media, when they talk about that story of us sending tanks or missiles or another $100 billion or whatever, they just go like, nothing's going to happen.
This is going to be fine.
They never consider the possibility of like.
And they're never right about anything.
Yeah, they never consider the possibility.
Like, what if Russia just has enough and just decides to send a missile our way?
Or I don't know.
It's going to be okay, Dan.
Yeah.
Don't worry.
Hey, we all made it through the 80s and, you know, the threat of nuclear winter every five seconds.
I still think the likelihood of nuclear war is extremely low.
I do too.
Okay.
I agree.
Okay, good.
I agree.
I think it's a terrible choice to send tanks to Ukraine.
I think funding Ukrainian war is a terrible idea.
I also think Putin isn't really a moron, you know, and like you knew DC, your whole country is leveled.
Yeah.
You know, and that just wins you nothing.
So I don't know.
I mutually assured destruction.
It's a thing.
You know.
So this is all fine.
It's fine.
As we said at the top of the show.
Okay.
I'll stop worrying about it.
It's fine.
The doomsday clock is something.
It's like around 4 p.m., 4:20.
No, it's 90 seconds to midnight.
No, no, if I had to set it.
Oh, that's where I put it.
Oh, okay.
If Babylon Black is the doomsday clock, we're having some afternoon snacks.
Afternoon.
Are we day drinking?
Absolutely.
We are.
Oh, yeah, but it's fine.
A little Japanese whiskey.
It's really fine.
Yeah, I mean, there is that, there is the, you know, it's naive to not feel nervous, right?
It's naive to not be worried, but at the same time, it just feels like the word says it.
Matter of fact, I open my book, Drawing Lines, with this idea that everything is cyclical.
And even the word says there's a season for everything.
There's a time for everything.
We do go in circles.
And I find a strange, dark comfort in that, you know, that there is nothing new under the sun.
And neither is this.
Well, if we're going to be day drinking, then my drink of choice is a guava LaCroix poured into my conservative tears of joy tumbler, which you can purchase at shop.babylonbee.com and I will enjoy right now.
And then while you're drinking your LaCroix out of your tumbler.
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
There's nothing in here.
Oh, well, my this is getting embarrassing.
This is crazy, man.
Are you serious?
It says top secret.
I will not believe what's in here.
The FBI guys probably with Val Kilmer.
What in the world?
Do you see that?
Does that say what I think it says?
Are you kidding me?
Well, I knew that about Hunter.
I mean, everyone knew that about Hunter.
Oh, no!
Not again.
Take it.
Take it.
Get out of here, Fed.
Wait a minute.
Oh, no.
And the Zodiac letters.
I'll crack them.
Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
I'm sorry that the FBI guy stepped on your pitch for your book.
It's fine.
I just, I didn't expect to be in the presence.
Close the door at least.
That was nice.
I didn't expect to be in the presence of so many classified documents.
Though niceness is overrated.
It's true.
Oh, my gosh.
So, classified document apropos of nothing.
Classified documents were now found at the home of marriages between a man and a woman.
My pence.
My pens.
I haven't heard that reference.
You hadn't heard this?
I haven't heard this story enough.
Yeah, so they found some classified documents in his home in Indiana.
It sounds like he probably figured, like, this is a good time to, like, it's like Joe Biden's finding one like every other, every other day.
And he's like, you know what?
Here's mine.
Like, here's mine.
There'll be three more Joe Biden ones by the end of the week.
I think what's going on here is that I think probably there are a lot of politicians who have classified documents at home.
And part of the issue is overclassification, right?
Like rumor has it that some of Trump's classified documents are really things like, you know, a birthday card from a world leader or something like that.
They put those things, they mark them classified.
And then when sometimes when these people leave office, they're like, well, what are they going to do with this?
I'm going to take this.
This was addressed to me.
Technically, it's mine.
So I wouldn't be surprised if, you know, there's classified documents as we've seen today everywhere.
They might even be in your house.
And as a matter of fact, check under your seat right now.
Do you have classified documents?
You get a car.
You get classified documents.
You get a visit from the FBI.
I think you're right.
I think they're everywhere.
I think like every president probably had some.
And it's just the only reason that we're talking about it is because they made such a big deal about when they found it in Trump's closet.
And since they made such a big deal, now they've got to make a deal about it.
They try to set it up like, this is so unusual.
This is so out of the norm.
Like, how could a president ever do this?
And now it's like everyone's got them.
Like, okay.
Which, you know, if my tinfoil hat were a little bit pointier, I might say might be part of, you know, the deal, the reason why they made such a big deal out of Trump's documents because they didn't know there were others out there.
Absolutely.
And now, now we have a reason to get rid of Biden, right?
Democrats can't be like, oh, well, we're not going to support the current president of the United States for reelection.
But also Democrats are like, this guy is maybe not going to make it.
And he's not in his right mind and he's becoming a liability.
So what do you do?
You got to figure out something to force his hand to step down or to force the tides to turn against him, something like that.
If my tinfoil hat were pointing out, they went after Trump on purpose so that they could set up this argument.
Did you see that video of Joe Biden singing happy birthday to the Martin Luther King relative?
No.
And he totally forgot, like, didn't know who he was talking to or who he was singing to.
Happy birthday, dear Sally.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Valley.
Happy birthday to you.
I think he said Valley.
Oh, no.
Well, I saw Ralph Warnock at his church recently looking all lost and weirded out.
They used to go to the black church.
Yeah.
Well, it's like, it was almost like he came to in the middle of right, right?
Like, I don't where mates, like, you can see him looking around for help.
I don't see him as somebody who is like, I don't know what black church is like.
Because frankly, he does, because he's campaigned in black churches for 50 years.
So he does know what it's like to be in a black church, even if he certainly didn't grow up in black church.
But up there, he was like confused.
And if you look at Warnock's body language, he's not even looking at him.
It's like, it's almost like he knows that Biden is lost and radioactive.
And I don't want anything to do with him.
Warnock himself looks so uncomfortable up there.
I don't know.
It's sad.
Very sad.
He left the scene and drove over a woman's foot on the way out.
Did he really?
No.
Is that a reference to something?
He ran over his wife's foot.
Who did?
Ralph Rafael Warner.
Oh, he did?
I didn't know this.
Yeah.
It's a great reference.
Very deep cut.
Another great reference is MMs because MMs says that they are sorry for their spokes candies being so polarizing.
And they issued a statement saying they're sorry for the polarizing female purple MM and changing the shoes of the brown MM.
And that instead they will be using Maya Rudolph to bring America together.
That can work.
Nothing says units.
Love Maya Rudolph.
The strangest thing to me is that they use the spokes candies to announce that they are retiring the spokes candies because they are divisive.
They actually have the spokes candies right there in the graphics saying, sorry, these guys were so divisive.
We'll be retiring.
Want to get one last look?
Yeah.
One last look at green.
The candies were never divisive.
That wasn't the candies that were divisive.
It was the woke weirdos that were changing the whole purpose of these mascots and what they were, you know, they were going woke.
Nobody wanted their candies to be woke.
Everybody was just fine with them.
It's not the candies that are divisive.
It's the idiot progressive ideology behind the candies.
What's in it for these companies to make political statements?
I still haven't figured that out.
Like, can you just make candy?
You know what?
You're a candy company.
Can you just make candy?
I had a CEO on my podcast, Just Listen to Yourself with Kira Davis, available wherever you get your podcast.
I interviewed a CEO, Jeff Webb is his name, about this very thing.
What's in it for corporations to go woke?
I think we were talking specifically about Disney at the time and what was going on with them.
And Jeff said that the thing is, is that it used to be right that the board, your board runs the company, the CEO and the board members, and they make the decisions.
He says, now HR runs your companies because there's so many woke laws.
HR has become a powerful department in any corporation and they set a lot of policy and they're not business people.
They don't care about the profits, right?
So a lot of this is basically HR or HR adjacent designers, people working in the company at the lower level going, well, this is what we're going to do because it's the right thing to do.
And then corporates just scared of the HR complaints.
So some of it is just plain old bullying.
But quite frankly, I have to admit, I don't think it's entirely bad that all these candy companies have been going woke because I used to have an Oreo problem.
I used to buy every flavor of Oreo that came out.
But since Oreos went woke, I stopped buying Oreos.
You've lost 300 pounds.
Since MMs went woke, I don't feel like I need to buy MMs.
And that brings us to Babylon B's woke diet, which you can sign up for.
This feels like a Babylon B headline, like conservatives losing hundreds of pounds.
You might be onto something, Brandon.
The woke diet.
I like it.
All right.
Well, there's a lot more that happened this week, but we're going to have to clip right along.
So let's move on to the Babylon B banger of the week.
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Banger of the week.
NHL player says that if he wanted to support the gays, he'd be playing soccer.
Ooh.
Yeah, this guy, this is the real thing that happened.
This dude refused to wear the pride jerseys when he dressed up for Philadelphia Flyers practice.
And his coach actually backed him up and came out and said, he's standing up for his beliefs.
What do you want me to do?
So that was cool.
Yeah.
Good for him.
Based Russian Orthodox guy.
He was drawing lines.
He drew his line.
You are the master pitcher for your stuff.
Like, you know how to turn anything into a plug.
Looks so crazy.
Shall we try?
Shall we try?
Let's come up with like a topic or something and see if Kira can turn it into a plug for her book or podcast or something.
Yeah.
It has been revealed that C.S. Lewis was actually an alien visitor from another planet.
Yeah, you know what?
I don't know if C.S. Lewis was an alien visitor from the planet, but C.S. Lewis is a controversial figure these days just as a Christian.
And we can't really even talk about him publicly.
And I think that's because we have been so pushed back by the culture that we feel apprehensive about sharing our faith and sharing the work of great philosophers like C.S. Lewis.
Like, we don't want to offend people.
But you know what?
It's time for you to draw your lines.
Conservatives need to start drawing lines.
Our cultural figures are just as important as those woke cultural figures.
So if you don't stand up for C.S. Lewis now, in the future, you might not even be able to whisper his name.
And I talk about that in my book, Drawing Lines, why conservatives must begin to battle fiercely in the arena of ideas.
That was pretty good.
Here's a little harder one.
I have an air fryer.
Oh.
You have an air fryer?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, great.
Well, you know, it's interesting because on the environmentalist front, there are a lot of progressives who are coming after our gas stoves, right?
They've already come over, come after our gas-powered cars.
They're coming after our stoves.
And a lot of people these days love their air fryers.
I know I just got one for Christmas and I do love it.
But how long do you think it's going to be before they come after that too?
See, the environmental lobby is going so far because they need to control everything, right?
It's a matter of control.
It's not about the environment.
Control your air fryer.
That's why you have to draw your line at being able to consume the products you want to consume.
Say the things you want to say about your products.
You know, climate change is an excuse just to control humanity.
And it's really attached to every other ideology on the planet.
It's all one big progressive slash Marxist ideology.
We know best what's for you, not you.
Not the gas stove, not the convection oven.
If you don't stand right now, if you don't draw your line at them coming for your gas stoves and your gas-powered vehicles, how long is it going to be before they come for that air fryer?
How long, Kyle?
I don't know.
That's why you got to start drawing your lines now.
Why conservatives must begin to battle fiercely in the arena of ideas.
That was pretty good.
Wow.
I would say 10 out of 10, drawing the line from air fryers to the book.
So very good.
Bomb of the week.
Bomb of the week.
Our article was George Santos signs lucrative endorsement deal with whoppers, which, by the way, is like the absolute worst candy.
It is.
Thank you.
Like we're getting to the bottom of the Halloween candy bowl from my daughter's trick-or-treating this year, and that's what's left.
That's the only thing crackle candy bar.
Whoppers is top tier.
You're going to go S tier on Whoppers.
That is.
Wow.
That is.
I don't know if I hate Whoppers.
I feel like I associate them with the memory of Easter and like, you know, you get a little thing of Whoppers.
And I know they're not like Reese's level.
So I'm not going to say S tier.
But I wouldn't put them bottom tier.
I'm with Dan.
I put them in the bottom tier.
Bottom of the bottom.
Bottom of the Halloween candy bag.
Yeah.
Mid-tier.
Next to the licorice.
I might have gotten a little too excited.
Maybe not top tier.
I don't know.
My only problem with this article is I have no idea who George Santos is.
You don't?
I have not.
Oh, my God.
I see.
He's the best thing to have in a politics.
I see someone talking about like, oh, he told these lies.
I just don't care.
I'm just like, oh, a politician lied.
I don't like this.
Yo, this guy invented an entire identity.
He lied about every single thing.
A former drag queen from Brazil running on a Republican ticket.
That's awesome.
He said his mom died in 9-11.
She did not.
She's still alive.
He said his mom had cancer and he had to raise money.
She did not.
She's still alive.
He said he was a property owner.
He is not like, these are all the things he ran on.
He does not.
He rents money.
In fact, he rents a department.
In fact, he owes money for rent.
He said he went to what?
Barouche College?
He didn't even graduate from college.
That's hilarious.
But also just from his election.
From a consequences standpoint, is that worse?
Or is like the lies that the Democrats told to get Biden into office?
Exactly.
That we're about to start World War III.
So I don't care about this weirdo drag.
And I think that is why I love George Santos because he is so rich.
That's a funny story.
It is such a liar, liar, pants on fire story that it's like, well, no, you guys started this.
So guess what?
He's in office now.
Deal with it.
But look at his face.
Like, did anyone believe anything he's ever said?
Look at him.
Look at the sweater vest.
That's pretty amazing.
He's wearing a sweater under that.
Oh, you should see some of his outfits at the Capitol.
The other day it was...
His drag queen outfit.
It was...
It was a sweatshirt over a shirt and tie and a jacket over the sweatshirt.
Like, he's the king of layers.
Oh, that's just great.
If he showed up in drag into Congress, what would they do?
I would have to accept it.
I would name him a word out there.
They would have to accept it.
He's my favorite.
They would have no choice.
Well, now it's time for a segment that doesn't have any whoppers in it.
All truth.
Sizzler facts.
16 weeks ago, precisely 16 weeks ago, we debuted a new feature to the podcast called Sizzler Facts, and it was met with overwhelming adulation.
This fact is a news item that comes from Washington State.
The News Tribune reports, if the slow waning of the American dream took a physical form, it would probably look a lot like the scene in Lakewood on Thursday night.
There, with a line stretching out into the cold, the witnesses stood huddled, anxious and hungry, waiting to pay their final respects.
The Sizzler on South Tacoma Way, a touchstone of casual steak and buffet dining in Lakewood since 1978, was closing.
Oh, man.
By the time it locked its doors on Friday, it would be gone forever.
The closure, which was announced to Sizzler staff on January 14th, according to co-owner Joel Starr.
Oh, I love that guy, Joel Starr, marked a final blow for the chain in Pierce County and across most of the state.
There's only one Sizzler left in Washington now, in Longview, near the Oregon border, according to a spokesperson for Sizzler USA, Incorporated.
Wow.
That was a work of art.
Wow, that was a heck of a piece of writing.
That really was.
A local newspaper reporting on a Sizzler closing.
It really was.
They poured their heart and soul into that story.
All right.
This has been Sizzler Facts.
And now it's time for Sizzler Commons.
Sizzler Command.
Here's an email we got from Tom Walker of Provo Utah.
He says, look what you all made me do.
You guys should seriously earn a commission.
And he also included his phone number in case we want to contact him.
And he includes pictures of himself eating at Sizzler because of our podcast.
And there's the cheesy bread, steak and all-you-can-eat shrimp coming soon.
And that's the 1385 South University location.
That's right outside, directly outside of the SDZ, the Sizzler dead zone.
Oh, yeah.
And then here he actually included his receipt for us to look at.
He paid $16.23 cash.
Look at that price.
Wow.
$1,398.
All-you can-eat shrimp.
Chicken, all-you-can-eat shrimp-at as promised.
That's a good-looking meal, right?
That's a good deal.
That is a heck of a deal.
Oh, yeah.
So that's wonderful.
And all-you-can-eat cheesy, cheesy toast.
Oh, I love the cheesy toast, the old cheesy bread.
Thanks for your Sizzler comments.
And now it's time for our top five board games.
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The Babylon Bee's top games to force your family to interact.
Yeah, nerd.
Shira's favorite segment that she's been looking forward to.
Let's do it.
So I noticed something.
So about 10 years ago, I started to get into physical board games again, you know, and it felt like there was this revolution that was happening where people were moving from a quiet revolution happening, sweeping the nation, where people were trying to get away from screens somewhat and get more into face-to-face interaction.
This happens like there's actually books on this, this phenomenon, that people are like, as we move more to the digital space, people want to own physical things.
And it's kind of a rebellion against that.
Vinyl is one example.
My daughter is obsessed with vinyl.
My kids like vinyl.
Like both my sons like to collect vinyl records.
Yeah, it's crazy.
My son, my oldest son, actually got a gramophone.
He wants to listen to 78 gramophones of 1940s big band stuff.
Wow.
You know, so he like cranks it and plays and it'll play for the whole length of the side of the record or whatever.
That's crazy.
I started getting into like buying things physically.
Like once they started like for a while, it's like been streaming is the normal thing, right?
Like for all your TV shows, all your movies.
And then they started censoring them.
Like 30.
I love 30 Rock.
Right.
And they just randomly took away some of the episodes.
I'm like, wait a minute, where'd my episode go?
I want to watch community.
Yeah, 30 Rock community.
So I'm like, what's wrong with Blackface?
Like, where's my Blackface episode?
I bought 30 Rock on DVD because they were peeling stuff out of that.
And I have another podcast.
It's called How Inappropriate, where I just watch an older movie with guests each week, and we talk about all the things you could never do today.
And I did a movie a while back called Joanna Mann.
And I don't know if you remember that, but Joanna Mann's from the 90s.
It's about a guy who wants to play basketball, but he can't play in the NBA anymore.
He's not good enough.
So of course it goes to the WNBA to play posts as a woman.
Well, I mean, there's a lot of reasons why that movie could not be made today.
So I was looking for where to tell my guests to watch this film, and I could not find it anywhere.
It's been erased from the internet.
You are not allowed to see this movie anywhere.
I had to go buy a bootleg DVD off of eBay and send it to my guests.
So now he's the proud owner of a piscal copy of Juwanaman.
Oh, awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, some things are just getting erased.
I like the idea of a guy just making up his own cottage industry of printing out Juwanna Man.
He's just like in his basement somewhere just printing him out by the thousands.
Control.
Well, another thing, you know, especially during the pandemic, it really showed us the value of face-to-face interaction where like we all think Zoom meetings suck.
We all hate the video chat.
Obviously, it's helpful for certain things.
You can talk to people across the country and see their face.
That's cool.
It's cool technology, but nothing replaces that sitting together and hanging out.
So I got really into board games, and I really love how you can, like how transparent the mechanisms are.
You can see how a designer puts something together.
And I really like games that just bring people together and have you like see your personalities against each other.
Even something simple like a card game like poker or hearts or whatever.
It's like you can tell that someone's a little more aggressive or they're always a liar and they bluff about everything.
And I like that it brings us together in that way.
So we put together a list of our top five board games.
If you're just getting into board games and you want to get your family together and smash your screens with a sledgehammer.
So here we go.
Dan, why don't you give us your first of the family games?
Well, just based on your description right now, I had a game pop into my head.
It's not on my list.
I'm going to say it, King of Tokyo.
That was a great game.
Good call.
Have you ever played Yahtzee where you're rolling dice and trying to, oh, yeah, I got the ones and I got the twos.
So take that idea and combine it with big giant monsters smashing Tokyo.
And you're all fighting over Tokyo.
You're fighting.
It's like trying to be king in the middle and you're pushing everybody out to score all the points.
And you're upgrading your monster.
You're getting big, massive power-ups.
So like you're a big giant Gigazar and now you have molten lava breath and you've got wings.
Picture that.
Picture that.
Are you picturing it?
Yeah.
You painted quite a bit of picture.
It's so simple.
You're just rolling dice and you're saving the dice you want and everyone's rolling dice together and it's just fun.
Good quality family time.
Remind me to bring in King of Monster Island.
Yes.
The co-op version.
Bring in King of Monster Island.
You might be interested in it.
I don't know.
I don't know if it's good to call it Tokyo because Tokyo is so simple and fun.
Yeah.
It's simple.
It's fun.
Is it another dice game?
It's exactly that game, but you're playing together, like you're all on the same team.
Oh, okay.
One thing a lot of these games are doing now.
It's cooperative.
Yes, like Dungeons and Dungeons and Dragons.
So it's not we're getting mad at each other and flipping the table over, which is a great thing for families.
Yeah.
I think I prefer the one-on-one, head-to-head, competitive.
Try to kill you.
Let's smash each other and crush each other.
I tend to prefer that too, but sometimes it's nice, especially if you have kids that get mad at each other.
You can play the cooperative game.
So that's nice.
My number five is Downforce.
This is a racing game where you buy cars and then race them by playing cards.
I hope you're sold.
It's awesome.
Okay.
So in the very beginning, you bet on the cars.
You bet on what you think.
You bid on them.
You bid on them.
You auction them off.
And then you own a certain number of cars as your racing team.
And then you play cards that move all the cars together.
So it looks like a pack of cars driving around the board.
So you've got a whole hand of cards and you can see what you can move and what it's not going to move.
What I love about this game is it plays great from two players to six players.
I've introduced it to people who hate games.
Kira, I could get introduced to her right now and she would love it.
I'm falling asleep list.
No, but I trust the depiction of it.
Trust me.
I just was thinking about what I needed to get on the way home from the beach at the grocery store.
A card game that pushes your car forward.
All right, Kyle.
I didn't sell it.
My number five is SushiGo.
Great game.
If you get the family tin, you get all the extra expansions and stuff in it.
It's a party.
That's it.
That's sushi-go party.
It's a drafting game.
You take one card and then you pass it over to the next person.
They take one card, pass it on, and you're just trying to get the best sushi meal.
The best sushi meal that you can.
No, I don't understand anything you just said.
What?
You have a card?
You're trying to make a sushi meal?
Yeah.
Out of cards.
Yeah.
You don't actually eat it.
It's collecting.
You're like collecting cards.
Well, that's even worse.
Like, you know, there's not even real sushi.
It's just on the card.
I mean, you could, you could eat the cards if you wanted to.
You want.
Well, and then you're, you're, so you're pulling the card and you're like, okay, I'll have like rice.
I have like a rice roller.
Yeah.
Or whatever rice.
Because you can get more points for sushi.
So your hand might have like tempura in it.
You might have wasabi.
You might have like soy sauce to dip it in.
And you have to pick, hmm, I'd like to take this.
And then the next hand comes and you're like, ooh, I'll also take this.
Do you have a partner?
You play the partner?
No, you're playing against people.
So it's like you could be at the beginning, you're like, oh, I'm going to, I'm going to collect the form of poker.
I'm going to collect the soy sauce.
Yeah, because then you realize everyone else is.
The other people are trying to collect soy sauce.
It is like poker in that you're trying to create sets.
So you like poker, you would like full house, you know, whatever.
You can get like a full house of sushi and stuff.
So nerd poker.
Nerd poker.
You got it.
Got it.
Got it.
All right.
She's tracking.
She's tracking.
I got number four, Dan.
Okay, this is good for all ages.
So I have a four-year-old.
So finding a good game that you can play with someone that's that young, it has to be very simple, just basic concept.
It's called Super Rhino.
And basically, it's like stacking cards to Super Rhino.
But it's like, you're stacking like a house of cards.
And so you have these little wall pieces and you play your card and there's wall pieces.
You're building up a big skyscraper and you have like a little tiny rhino guy that moves from level to level.
And it's whoever knocks it over loses.
Okay.
So when you're playing with, you know, you're playing with a four-year-old, a three-year-old, they get it.
Like, they want to build the walls.
They want to stack the next level.
It's great.
So good.
Is that the little small box one?
It's small box.
I'll bring in the giant one.
Super Rhino Hero Battle.
You have a giant one?
Yeah.
Wow.
I'll bring it in.
And if you would like to know how to get rid of rhinos, please go buy my book, Drawing Lines, Why Conservatives Must Begin to Battle Fiercely in the Arena.
I have ideas.
Number four for me is sonar.
You know how Battleship is dumb?
What if it wasn't?
What?
Hang on.
Battleship starring Rihanna.
Well, that's like the only board game I like.
Well, see, it's completely random.
You just guess.
Yeah.
You just guess.
And then, yeah, you hit a red and it's like, okay, well, it could be this way, this way, this way, this way.
I guess I'll guess.
All right, go on.
So in this one, I'll guess.
In this one, it's a two versus two game.
So you have two people on this side and two people on this side.
One of them is steering your submarine around and the other one is trying to track the enemy's movements.
And so the other guy has to call out, we're moving east, we're moving west, we're going north, we're going south.
We've surfaced.
And you can track it on this little transparent map with a marker and you can figure out where they are.
And then you launch missiles at them.
This sounds like the kind of board game that guys who go to like ham radio conventions like it's very simple and easy for families to play.
And I highly recommend it.
It works great with two players.
It also works great with four players.
Sonar.
Check it out.
My number four: The Mind.
Now, if you can get over the hippie, the peace signs and stuff, the theming of it, I wish I could scrub that.
But it's a really fun cooperative game.
Someone on Not the Beat once called it not a game, but still fun.
But basically, there's one card labeled one through 100, and you're dealt a specific number of cards depending on what level you're on.
So you might have two cards if you're on level two, and everyone has to collectively figure out non-verbally how to play those cards in ascending order, non-verbally.
Oh, that sounds interesting.
Well, why do you like his game?
Blow up each other's subs.
She's like, play numbered cards in order.
And she's like, ooh, that sounds good.
Well, it's really, it's all about body language.
I'm fascinated by that.
I like this game.
It's all about body language.
So it's like you see someone like going in and it's like, are they going to jump 10?
Yeah.
Or do they have like, or are they going to try to jump 30?
And it's just really fun to see how people react and how nervous they get, just depending on what kind of gaps.
Yeah, that's what interests me.
That's why I told you about that book I'm reading, The Sociopath Next Door, like human interaction, like body language.
Like I'm just, I'm fascinated.
Would a sociopath be good at that game or bad at that game?
Probably bad because they couldn't read any cues of what other people, they would just be like, oh, I'm going to win.
No, they would probably read all the cues because a sociopath is like an expert in human behavior, really.
They know how to manipulate.
So you would win, do well at this game.
I'm not a sociopath.
I should bring David Wood in.
Perfectly normal.
Oh, yeah.
He is a sociopath.
For Christ.
What's your number three?
Sociopath for Christ.
So my number three is probably the most complex game on my list, but I would say pandemic.
It's a little more complicated.
Like you have to be into board games to kind of track with it because it's a little bit of setup.
It's a little fiddly.
You have to like stack the deck, but diseases are spreading all over the world and you all have to work together to stop the disease.
And it's a great game.
It is a great game.
I like that.
There's an app that like a game that's like that that I played one day.
Wasn't it the opposite?
Wasn't that game where you tried to spread the disease?
You were trying to infect the whole world?
That's one of my favorites.
I play that before I go to bed at night.
Yeah.
So you reread Helter Skelter.
Totally normal.
Not sociopathic.
That's the normal thing.
That's normal.
That's the normal thing.
How could I destroy the earth with a virus?
All right.
I'm going to try to sell this one to Kira.
Okay.
My number three is called The Quest for El Dorado.
Deep in the jungles of South America.
There's a place called El Dorado, and you have to build the perfect card deck to help you slash your way through the jungle and beat all the other explorers there.
This looks like one of those games that you would see in the game, in the board game setup area at Anime Expo.
Should we send these roasts to Tom Vaxel on Thursday?
All right, my number three is one that Kyle absolutely loves.
Shifty-Eyed Spies.
This is a really fun party game.
Euro probably like him.
With family.
I'm like, kind of like that.
It plays well with slightly younger players as well.
But basically, everyone has basically missions that they're trying to accomplish, and they're trying to accomplish these missions with other people around the table.
But you have to signal to them covertly.
You have to wink at them to let them know you have a mission with them.
Then they have to tell you where you're going to drop off the suitcase.
And it's just fun because you're trying to secretly deliver these messages and you're also trying to intercept other spies.
So you're like looking around the table.
Everyone's all paranoid.
Everyone's thinking everyone else is looking at them.
And you can catch people.
You can catch people.
So if I wink at Mirandon, like, I've got a package for you.
You can intercept.
You can look at me and go, like, I might have some classified document.
Yeah, I kind of, I, I, I, again, I like that concept of that idea of the body language, but it does, it feels a little nerve-wracking to me.
The spy thing, I, yeah.
It can be.
It just, it creates so many fun moments if you have the right play group that, yeah, that's on my list.
I'm halfway there.
It's almost not nerdy.
Okay, Kira, picture this.
All right.
You're on an island and the island is slowly sinking into the ocean.
Oh.
And as, and you have lots of people.
Tipping over.
It's tipping over because there's too many military personnel.
Yeah.
And you have to get all of your people off the island onto adjacent islands.
But then there's a catch.
There are sea monsters and sharks and whales that will mess you up and sink your boats and eat you.
Those whales will mess you up.
Yeah, they will mess you up and they will eat you.
And so at the beginning of the game, you place all your people on the main island that's sinking and they're numbered one through ten on the bottom of those people.
That's the best part of the game.
And when you bring them to the safe islands, they score.
So like whatever it is, if it's a 10 or a 1.
And so you're trying to get your people off and you're trying to sink the boats and have the sharks eat the other players' people.
The best part is that you share robots with other players.
So you can all be piled into one and you can like take one that everybody else is on and sail it the wrong direction.
Or you could put one of your low value pieces on and sail theirs right into a shark.
So you're trying to figure out like where people's high value pieces are, where they're ruining pieces.
No.
So it's a game called Survive and it's great.
You're just trying to get off the island, score points, and have everyone else's people die.
This reminds me of when I used to, when I was a kid and I used to gather all of my stuffed animals on my bed and play the floor as lava.
Yeah.
It's the floor is lava.
It's the floor is lava in a board game.
But with rules, but with rules.
But with rules.
So it's more fun.
And it's an actual game.
It's called Survive.
Survive, Escape from Atlanta.
And there's not, your mom isn't yelling at you from the kitchen.
Get outside for a change.
That's my wife now.
My number That's a great game My number two is Skull, which Brandon does not like as much as I do.
I've never played this.
I described it as getting a shot.
I picked this up recently, and I've played it a dozen times already.
We love it.
I play with the kids.
We play with various groups.
It's just a very simple bluffing game like poker.
The rules are actually simpler than the rules in poker.
You just have a bunch of discs and you put discs down in front of you and then you bet how many flowers you can flip over without touching a skull.
And so you're trying to bluff other people to think that yours are safe and then get them to flip over your skull and blow up the landmine.
Hard to describe.
Play it.
It's awesome.
It sounds actually like a fun game that kids would like.
Kids would like it.
You could play it like in a, in a bar, hang out.
Simple concept.
They're literally coasters, so you can just play.
Actually, it sounds like something that might be fun when you're drinking together as well.
I cannot confirm.
I will neither confirm nor deny that it is a good game to play with drinks.
All right.
You almost have me with that one, Kyle.
All right.
If you add a bottle of whiskey to this game, I might be down.
It's in the car.
All right.
I'll bring it in.
All right.
My number.
You have whiskey in your car?
No, I have skull in the car.
Whiskey's already.
Oh, I thought he meant whiskey, too.
Whiskey's in the office.
Skull is in the car.
My number two is a game I actually don't own because it's out of print, unfortunately.
But if you can get a copy of it, it's great.
Five-Minute Dungeon.
If they have a Marvel one, the Marvel one is not as good.
They tried to make it more balanced.
It makes it too easy.
But Five Minute Dungeon is a cooperative game in which multiple people have different, basically, skill sets, and you're playing these bosses and playing these cards as fast as you can to try to eliminate, get through a dungeon, and beat a boss.
And as the title implies, you only have five minutes to do it.
So it's kind of a game of speed, cooperation, really quick communication to let you know how you're going to defeat these guys.
And plays very fast.
My kids like that one.
Plays very fast.
You don't, but your kids do.
I thought it was fun.
My kids liked it enough where it was one of the few games that they'll get out without me and play.
And it's simple enough that they can set it up and play it and they just enjoy it.
I will formally apologize to your kids because I think I've owned your I've had your copy for longer than your kids probably.
I will bring it home.
It's a quick game.
It's very quick.
Five minutes.
Five minutes.
And you know what else else is quick?
This is a quick read.
Drawing lines, why conservatives must begin to battle fiercely in the arena.
I have ideas.
It's only nine chapters.
It's about 160 pages.
Quick, easy read.
Do you have like little people that you try to get off an island, or is there people?
That's the hidden chapter, chapter three.
Do you build a deck of any kind?
No, no, nothing like that.
Okay.
Yeah.
But it's fast, much like five-minute dungeon.
Got it.
Jinx.
Got it.
Understand.
Your number one family game.
Number one family game.
I have a feeling that I'm going to preempt you.
Carcassonne.
I had it and I moved it.
What's it called?
Carcassonne.
Carcassonne.
So it's a classic Euro game.
You're basically talking about a classic.
It's a classic Euro game, everybody.
So, Kira, hear me out.
Hear me out.
I'm so glad that we have Kiri here for you.
You pick a tile.
Hear me out.
You load a tile.
Hear me out.
And you place a tile.
That's all you need to do in this game as far as rules.
But as you place tiles, you're building out the city of Carcassonne and you're scoring points for completing things like roads, cloisters, cities.
You build the city and the walls around the city.
Rivers.
And you score points.
And it's a classic game.
It's awesome.
It's easy to learn, easy to play.
And you can get a few expansions and expand it.
And it's fantastic.
I taught some friends this game like on Friday or Saturday.
And they immediately said, We are going to get this game.
Yeah, it holds up.
Every time I play it, I'm like, this is a really good game.
You know what?
It sounds like I love computer games that are like simulation games where you have to build a world.
I like that like Civ or The Sims.
I'm super into The Sims.
And it sounds like.
Now you're mentioning all these video games that you play.
I like computer games.
I like games that I guess I like games that really don't involve other people.
Might be indicative of all the time I spent alone.
No, I have a list of top 10 solo board games that I could provide for you.
You know what?
Hang on to that.
Okay.
We're drawing lines here.
We're drawing some lines here.
So one thing I will say about Carcassonne that's really good is when you get to the higher levels of playing it, you're able to like take your tile, and even if you can't score points with it, you can play it in a way where it makes it sabotages.
You can mess other people up really hard.
I like that.
That's attractive.
That's an attractive quality.
Okay, so for me, it's that and the flower, the disc flower game that we're kind of like, all right.
All right.
I don't think I have Carcassonne here, though.
Do you have Carcassonne here?
All right.
I have it at home.
My number one is White Hall Mystery.
This is a game where you have, it's best with four players.
It also works with two.
You have one person who is Jack the Ripper.
You had me at Jack the Ripper.
I thought you might like it.
We got a winner.
We got a winner.
You have to wander around London, make three kills.
Okay.
And the other three players are Scotland Yard officers trying to track you down.
And it's very simple.
It plays in 30 to 45 minutes.
You are moving secretly on your own little board, and then they're wandering around.
They don't get to see where you are.
Oh.
And they look down the alleys and you have to tell them, Yeah, I was there last turn.
Or you caught my trail.
Is it like Baby Fury of Dragons?
And it's much quicker.
Have you ever played it?
I've not.
Oh, you'd like it?
It's really fun.
Similar would it be to Clue?
It's okay.
So it has elements similar to Clue because you know Clue you can like eliminate things and deduce.
It has that element of deduction where you go, he was in this spot three turns ago, which means he can only be here, here, or here.
And then you try to corner him.
I'm sold.
I love true crime.
You'd like it.
I love murder.
I'm perfectly normal.
I love solving murder mysteries.
I'll just mention this specifically.
Have you ever done those?
Murder?
Have you ever done those?
Have you ever done those murder?
Have you ever done those?
What is the one that was sponsored us?
Those murders?
Hunted Killer.
Oh, the Hunted Killer.
No, I've never done them before because I am scared to order one because then I just feel like my husband's just going to make fun of me.
Much like I've been making fun of you guys this whole podcast.
Yeah.
Don't worry about that.
But have one in this office that you could take home today.
Really?
The Hunted Killers are quite a bit of fun.
And there's a few of them.
Really?
Like, it comes with little objects like you, you know, like a fingerprint that you're trying to figure out, like a receipt that has a fingerprint on it.
And you're like, trying to sort of it's I love a good mystery.
I love like, I love like sort of the true crime.
And then I'm a like the Jack the Ripper thing.
I went to London a few years ago, did the whole Jack the Ripper tour.
Wow.
So have you ever done an escape room?
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah.
I figure you might like those.
Yeah.
All right.
I think Hunted Killer is a winner for Gira.
Okay.
All right, cool.
And what is your number one brand?
I'm sorry.
What was the name of that again?
The Hunted Killer one?
Or the one I call White Hall Mysteries?
White Hall Mysteries.
Yeah.
Okay.
My number one, I think, will just never be dethroned from my childhood.
That I've just, this has been my favorite game, my favorite family party game for forever.
It's called, it's also out of print, but it's called What Were You Thinking?
It's an old Wizards of the Coast game.
It was popular, yeah.
Yeah, it's a purple box.
Big purple box.
And it's basically just little prompt questions like name five foods with cheese or something like that.
And then everyone has to write down five foods with cheese.
And the goal is to think communally.
So the more common answers you get, the more points you get.
And the best part of this game is only the person with the lowest score moves up the track.
So there's only one loser.
Oh, that's good.
So everyone wins except one person.
And then they feel terrible.
I like winning.
And if conservatives want to win more, I suggest that you go get my book, Drawing Lines, Why Conservatives Must Begin to Battle Fiercely.
We need to have some Oscars music to play her off.
Well, what's been interesting about this conversation is that I've been able to notice you guys have your styles of board games, right?
Like I notice that most of what Brandon likes are games that involves body language and communication, you know, with other play with other players.
Does that make him a sociopath or not a sociopath?
I think it makes him a theater kid.
It just makes him a nerd.
Yeah.
Theater nerd.
Dan likes strategy games.
Yes, he does.
Yes.
Games that you build or you have strategy.
And Kyle, you like wizardy, like Lord of the Rings nerd type stuff where you would play it in a room that has swords on the wall.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's what you do.
I do have a sword.
It's a wizard, Annie.
Yeah.
And what were you thinking by Richard Garfield of Magic the Gathering fame, I might add?
Yo.
We are now going to play a board game live.
I did not include this on my list, but I would put it up there with some of my top family games.
It is called Snake Oil.
So please check out this game.
Do we have time for really, really, really quick honorable mentions?
Yes.
All right.
I'm just going to run through this list.
Telestrations, Santorini, code names, Una with modified Hong Kong rules, Taboo, Bananograms.
Want to know what the Hong Kong rules are?
Wavelength.
I'm not sure you do.
All good picks.
And I almost brought in code names for us to play, but I didn't want to try to figure out a camera angle for the board.
It would have been pretty sweet.
Code names is legit.
I would say code names out of that.
I would play code names.
Definitely code names.
If you like word games, code names.
All right.
So the concept of this game, the conceit of snake oil, is that we are all snake oil salesmen trying to sell each other terrible products.
Great.
Okay.
We will take turns being the person that's being sold to.
The other three people will create a product to sell to us.
The way that you do this is you take two cards from your hand and you combine them.
So as an example, I might try to sell you a nose tank.
And I would have to explain to you, you get a 30-second pitch of why a nose tank is a great product.
The other catch is that you are selling to a specific type of person.
So for instance, I am a nurse.
Okay.
So whenever you guys are ready, pick two cards from your hand.
Whoever gets their pitch ready first can start their pitch and try to sell me your product.
You're a nurse?
I am.
Yes, I am.
Okay.
I'm ready to go.
Okay, go ahead.
So you pick two cards, combine them.
I can't use the words like art.
Yeah, I can tell you what I have here, right?
Yeah.
So that blue one is your identity.
So you won't use that till your turn.
But like if you combine those two words, it'll be like two words together and that's your product.
Okay.
All right.
I'm ready.
All right.
Great.
Well, I want to sell you this body toilet.
So I know that part of nursing, you're dealing with hazardous materials.
And, you know, there's a lot of unsavory things that goes on with nursing.
And unfortunately, you know, we don't like to talk about stuff like this, especially on podcasts like the Babylon B.
But we don't like to talk about death.
But unfortunately, sometimes you do lose people in your profession.
What do you do with those bodies?
You know, well, I don't know.
I've never been to a hospital, really.
And I don't really know what happens to dead bodies, but I do imagine that you need places to put them.
Sometimes some of the traditional places might be full.
So the body toilet is a convenient appliance that you can have right there in your nursing station.
And all you have to do is fold up the body and put it in the body toilet and flush it away and it's gone.
You never have to think about it again.
It works for goldfish.
I like the idea of someone coming back to check on their grandpa.
What is that?
We passed on.
Oh, can we check out the body?
I'm sorry.
Body toilet.
We've put it in the body toilet already.
How much is this?
The body toilet?
Well, it is normally pretty pricey, but my boss has given me the go-ahead to give you a deep discount on this.
So I can give it to you today for the low, low price of $999 free installation.
And as a bonus, you'll get a copy of drawing lines.
Why conservators begin to battle fiercely in the arena of ideas?
Nursing obviously is a valuable profession and they see so many patients.
There's just so many patients.
And what's the common affliction that all these patients have?
Generally, if they're in a hospital, one thing that they almost all have is some form of pain, whether that be physical, spiritual, or mental.
And when you have just so many, so many patients that are just clamoring for your attention, you don't always have time to administer the drugs, which can be a lengthy process.
So I introduced to you Painstick.
Just walk in the room, smack them with a stick, run out.
Next room, smack them with a stick.
Next room, smack them with a stick.
Easiest pie.
So to clarify, the painstick takes away pain.
Oh, I think I just read the exact same.
This product is fly.
However, mine also comes with a copy of Drawing Lines by Gary.
Nurse Kyle.
Yep.
You are dealing in an environment that has lots of bacteria and viruses, things that are dangerous to your health and to the health of your patients.
So I present to you Virus Glove.
So you can wear this glove and catch all the viruses before they infect you or those you love or those you are carrying.
Yeah, you can catch the viruses and store them away.
You are drawing a line between healthy human beings and viruses.
And this is free.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Oh, beautiful.
In fact, that feels like the rules.
That feels like it shouldn't be, it shouldn't be the rules.
All right, I'm going to award this to Kira for the bottom.
Yes.
Thank you, Body Toilet.
All right.
Now we all are going to pitch Kira.
Now, Kira, what is your profession?
You can pick either side of that card.
I am a rapper.
Okay.
I did not assign you that card on purpose.
I just.
That was random.
I am a rapper.
Yeah.
Okay, Kira, you're a rapper.
Yes.
You want street cred.
You want people to respect you and fear you.
So I present to you fear socks.
You put on these socks and people will respect you.
You will have all of the street cred that you could ever want wearing these fear socks.
And these are free.
Like Dead Stratigan comes with a copy of Drawing Line.
All right.
And there's no like, you know, how do they work?
What is it about them?
They just exude fear.
They are, they are nuclear powered and they make everyone afraid of you because at any moment you could blow up.
Or I could lose my feet to radiation poisoning as well.
All right.
Okay.
I love it.
All right.
Great.
Thank you.
Thanks, Dan.
Thanks for that pitch.
And it's free.
And it's free.
Yeah.
I think a lot of rappers these days have socially conscious messages, something that they want you to really chew on and take their message to heart.
And also, I've never heard of a vegan rapper.
I don't know if that even exists.
But since they're also producing things for you to listen to, I present to you ear meat.
It's something to chew on.
And it's not vegan at all, but it's for your ears.
It's meat for your ears.
It's sustenance.
It's flavorful.
It's bold.
So you're really selling me like a concept.
No, it's like literal meat that you could put in or for people's ears.
Yeah.
It's literal meat.
Literal meat.
It sounds like Brandon's figuring out the product.
I'm like changing almost.
Ear meat.
I love your ears.
Oh, okay.
Speaking of bold, the worst thing that can happen to a rapper is what?
Obscurity, exactly.
Right.
You want people to know who you are and remember you.
And you always remember those iconic moments in fashion when people come out wearing like some crazy thing.
What else do rappers like?
Weed.
Exactly.
I took the words right now.
So this is a seed dress.
It's a dress made entirely out of seed from marijuana trees or whatever they're growing.
Okay.
That's no contest.
Brandon didn't even really have his concept fleshed out.
I really think that this could actually really work in real life for the rap community.
I'm going with Kyle's seed dress.
Oh, wow.
I will take it.
Yes.
I'll get this card.
Oh, the other one, the one that you, the rapper one.
I get the rapper.
Not that I'm.
Oh, sorry.
There you go.
Brandon, what are we selling?
Who are we selling for you?
I'm just a humble prison guard over here.
Oh, okay.
So, Brandon, you work every day in a dark, dirty, you know, place that has a lot of restrictions.
And you don't have to.
You don't have any restrictions.
You kind of feel like you're prisoners anymore.
Yeah, you're kind of like inside of a cave, right?
And what you need is to have a different view, a different look on life.
So I present to you freedom goggles.
So when you're working inside the prison, you put on these freedom goggles, and it's like you're at the beach every day.
You're at work.
And, you know, it's free.
Could I give it to the inmates for them to feel like they're free?
If you were so inclined, you could not inclined.
Well, I mean, if you wanted to, you could.
He's a mean prison guy.
But like, but it's mainly for you.
So you can enjoy your day while you're beating up the inmates.
Got it.
Yeah.
What's the worst part about being a prison guard?
The food.
The anger.
Exactly.
And you can get rid of your anger in our anger tank.
This is a completely soundproof tank that you can go into and yell and scream and just punch things.
There's a teddy bear in there that you could punch.
You could also just sleep in there if you're tired.
Yeah.
Or angry.
Or angry.
It sounds like a room at Google or something.
All right, well.
Mimosa children.
Anchor tank.
Well, what is one thing that prison guards really have to worry about?
Escapees.
Okay.
Right.
And it's just everybody.
And so prisoners escaping is a big problem.
And what do they usually escape through?
Which we learned from Josh Ank Redemption.
A hole in the wall.
Large pipes.
Oh, okay.
Right.
So you're going to need to protect those pipes so they can't be easily broken through.
So I give you pipe carpet.
Pipe carpet.
You line the pipes with this pipe.
Doesn't that make it easier for the inmates to like it pads their knees?
That's their well, no, it's like extra layer so they can't really shaggy.
You can't use your little rock hammer to chisel through the carpet.
And then you still have to get through the pipe part.
Why carpet?
Like there are harder substances known to man than women.
Well, you still have a pipe, but the carpet goes around the pipe as an added deterrent for those very determined prison escapees.
Pipe carpet.
Carpet is made of barbed wire.
Yeah, it does.
Are you selling the product for her?
I know.
Thank you, partner.
And it also comes with a free copy of Drawing Lines by Conservatives.
That's all it took.
Hey, all right.
Pipe carpet.
All right, Dan.
Final one.
I am a pro wrestler.
But what are you in the game?
Well, it just happens to coincide right now, Kyle.
Okay.
That I am a pro wrestler.
All right.
I just realized there's two sides to this card.
Do you pick one?
Yes.
Okay.
So I could be a lifeguard too, but I will be a pro wrestler.
You should be a lifeguard.
I have a much better one for that.
I am a pro wrestler.
I have a river raft.
I literally have a river raft.
That doesn't sound like a good pitch for a pro wrestler, Kyle.
Pro wrestlers are sometimes you guys have to work in teams, right?
If you have those big cage matches or whatever, sometimes the technical term is tag team, yes.
Right.
Partners, right?
I've seen it.
And she's seen it.
I've seen it around.
And, you know, sometimes your partner, yeah, it's great to have a human partner, but sometimes you want a partner from the animal kingdom.
And so I've got a great product for you.
And it will help you win matches.
It'll help you strangle the competition.
A body snake.
A body snake.
Take it into the ring with you.
And you'll be able to either strangle your competition or just murder them with venom.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
That seems like it could come really in handy.
Yeah.
And it comes with a free copy of Drawing Lines: Why Conservatives Must Begin to Battle Fiercely in the Arena.
What is the number one cause of death among pro wrestlers?
Getting strangled by their own body snake.
Oh, which is why you need an animal leash to help you.
I guess you have to buy her product for this.
He's been selling my product all game.
Brandon, what do you got?
So you're down on the mat.
You're pinned down by this 300-pound behemoth.
There's no way you're going to get out of this unless you recall from your distant memory that you have learned because you purchased this product.
The secret art.
Oh, the secret art is basically any secret move.
It's the final episode of any anime series where all of a sudden he remembers.
Remember that thing we learned in episode two of season four?
This is the secret art you need when you're pinned to the mat by a 324-pound man, Samoan man.
Or you could just have a snake bite them and win the match immediately.
That's against regulation rules.
I think Body Snake is where it's at.
Here you go, Kira.
Thank you.
Pass that over.
All right.
It looks like Kira has won the game with two awards.
The master salesperson, as we already knew, I thought she got two.
She got three.
She got three.
I got three.
I like how she's like, you guys are total nerds.
I would never play games.
I would never play games like you, you nerds.
And then she's like, wins.
Trust your enemies.
See them driven before you.
Nerds.
Well, that's a fun game of snake oil.
Check that out.
That's a fun one to play with the family, or check out any other games that we've mentioned.
If you buy snake oil on Amazon, it comes with a free copy of Drawing Line.
It does not, actually.
No, it doesn't, but you can still buy drawing lines.
You can buy them together.
And now, now, probably on Amazon, it'll say frequently together.
Yeah.
That would be a hilarious association.
We are now going to talk to Patricia Heaton.
She was the wife on Everybody Loves Raymond.
I love her.
And she's also been in a ton of other things.
So let's not distill her career down to that.
And she produced a movie called Unexpected, and her husband, David Hunt, directed the movie.
And we had a few people in the office here screen it.
So we went ahead and interviewed them.
And you guys can check out Unexpected.
It's coming out on streaming platforms next week.
So here we go.
And now it's time for another interview on the Babylon Bee Podcast.
Yeah, this is going to be awesome.
I'm Kyle.
I'm the editor-in-chief of the Babylon B.
I run a lot of our interviews and stuff as well on the podcast.
It's great to finally be talking to you guys.
But Patricia, I saw you sharing B articles, I don't know, a few years ago, and I was like, oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I was one of the early, early adapters.
She was an early adapter, that's for sure.
Exactly.
So that was really exciting.
Yeah.
So we'll talk about the movie.
We've been screening it here in the office.
We've had a few of our guys go out and watch it for a few days here.
So everybody's really excited for this.
Oh, good.
The response has been positive, we hope.
Yeah, it has been.
Otherwise, we're leaving right now.
And yeah, we'll talk about that a little bit.
I mean, it's interesting to do kind of more positive movies.
Would you guys consider it a faith-based movie?
No, no, I don't think it really is.
Obviously, there are some elements in there.
And I think, but I think overall, I would describe it as life-affirming.
And we're hoping, even in the tiniest possible humble way, that it has a positive effect on the culture and gives people a sense of optimism when they see the final scene.
And just sorry, we're going straight into it.
Well, let's wait till we actually start.
Okay, I just the movie is called Unexpected.
Now continue.
Well, I was just going to say, talking about positive, the way it was initially written left the ending a little, I would say, vague, and I switched a lot of stuff around in editing.
I did a lot of changes.
And I didn't tell Patty.
And I put it together and then screened it for her.
She was the first person to see it.
And when she saw the ending, why don't we just talk about the ending of the movie?
No, listen.
It was a positive thing.
And then another friend of mine said, you had to have an ending like that because there were a bunch of journeys.
So the journey is, you know, it doesn't shy away from some difficult questions along the way.
Let's put it that way.
Yeah.
And now I'll shut up.
You guys seem like you have a fun relationship.
What's it like working together?
I mean, is she your boss and she just tells you what to do and you're scared of her?
Or what's the dynamic like?
Yes.
No, no, no.
No, actually, no.
We had one fight on this set.
Well, it wasn't really a fight.
Well, there were two, but the one I'm referring to, we just had, we were hit by COVID with five days left to shoot this movie.
We had to shut down and basically reshoot the movie a year later.
I had to shoot the whole movie twice.
But when all that was happening on location and Dave was kind of flipping out, we had two of our kids working.
Well, let me finish.
We had to 32 years, ladies and gentlemen.
And, you know, two of our kids are on the set.
We had to move hotels because our hotel plans.
Let me finish the story.
Yeah, but I want to say from my perspective.
So then, see, everyone who's out there listening who like thinks marriage is hard, there's hope because we've been doing this for three years.
I'm not going to say it gets better, but you can do it.
But anyway, okay, let me finish.
It's all under the heading of how on earth are they still together.
Let me finish the story.
But, you know, so we had to move hotels and Dave was kind of flipping out because we were in the middle of a shot.
And I was like, I'm going to take care of it.
I'm going to take care of it.
You just do the movie.
You make the movie.
And a neighbor that was across the street in the location comes over and says to me, Can I pray for you?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That would be good.
Okay.
Now.
Yeah.
I was just going to say, you may now talk, David.
Thank you.
How long do I have?
I don't know.
No, it was, it was a kind of a bizarre situation because we were staying in the same hotel as the Utah jazz basketball team and with Rudy Jobert and company.
And of course, that was when the whole thing broke out and the NBA suspended their season.
Well, we were on set the next day when this all unfolded.
And as Patty says, in the middle of shots, in the middle of a scene, we got a message from the hotel first of all saying, well, when you come back tonight, you'll have to leave the hotel.
And then it changed to, you need to leave the hotel now, literally like within the half hour.
And it was absurd.
It was kind of a crazy situation.
We had to send people back and unpack our stuff.
They were chucking things in boxes so we could go and get another hotel.
And this was in the middle of a very busy day.
So that's, I kind of, I was getting a wee bit stressed out that day because I was getting it from sort of both ends, as it were.
Yeah.
It's stressful making a little low-budget indie movie anyway.
You have to kind of make your day is the phrase that is used, right?
So you have a shot list for the day that you would like to get done by the end of the day.
You'd like to have all those shots done.
So you're always trying to make your day.
In fact, that put a little tension.
But if I may, let me just say that, you know, the context of all this is that it was a low-budget production.
And so I didn't have much time.
I had to be really prepared within an inch of my life.
I had storyboards.
I had shot lists.
I mean, I left nothing to chance.
So there was no room for COVID to come along.
To cut a long story short, I shot pretty much the whole movie all over again the following year after a year of suspending production.
But just to go back to your initial point, do we work well together?
I think we do.
We've done a couple of things acting-wise together in the past.
But when I got in behind the camera on this particular production, I turned to Patty and said, I don't know why I didn't do this 20 years ago.
Because I loved it.
Directing, you mean?
Yeah, directing.
I took to it like a duck to water.
And actually, we did make a great team because Patty enjoyed being in the role she was in.
I love sitting behind the monitor and just looking at the shot and making tweaks.
And then we both, as actors, love actors.
And that was to my advantage being an actor.
I knew how to talk to them.
And everybody's different.
Everybody responds to notes differently.
But we made it.
The bottom line is we made a really good team and we had a great set.
We made sure that everyone got fed properly.
So we'd have a lot of coffee trucks and character trucks.
Food is the key to a happy set.
Yeah, especially on a low-budget movie because they're not getting on any movie.
I've worked on some particular movies.
Anyway, you have to keep the crew happy.
But anyway, so we made, I think we made a good team.
You got to have a nice spread out there is what I hear.
Yeah.
And no, no bunny rabbits or ducks or turkeys were harmed at the making of this film.
Absolutely none.
Okay.
Yeah.
And, you know, what was cut out of the movie was a mouse.
And the animal wrangler came up and was so upset that the mouse got cut.
Oh, that's it.
Oh, man.
You spend a lot of work on those things and you come up with some great bit and then it gets cut.
But that's how a good movie is made, right?
In the editing room.
I really enjoy that part.
Yeah.
The editing?
The editing part.
I mean, that's really where the vision that I had in the beginning that's always been in my head.
That's where I, you know, can bring it to life.
My favorite part is shopping online while you're waiting for the shot to be set up.
That's awesome.
I have like three coats and one coat in like four different colors I got on Amazon.
It's interesting.
But it was cold there.
It's interesting because our American Express bill shot up during the filming.
I'm like, I didn't buy a pain.
I've been on set 16 hours a day.
Buying stuff.
Yeah.
There's no Prada story in Oklahoma City, is there?
I didn't buy any Prada.
Okay.
Does not sound like it was very profitable.
So because you spent so much on, yeah, that's a sad.
What attracted you guys to this project?
I know you guys probably look at tons of scripts, have ideas of different things to produce and direct.
And we at the Babylon B, like we produce sketches, we look at longer form projects and it's like you could pursue hundreds of different things.
What was special about this project that attracted you to it?
I know there's a lot of more preachy pro-life movies out there where it's like more on the nose of what the topic is.
This kind of has adoption woven in as a theme throughout.
You know, is that the main thrust as you want to get the message out there?
Was it just that this is a positive, fun, you know, comedy and family movie?
Yeah, life.
Actually, Patty discovered the book Enslaved by Ducks in 2004.
And we optioned the rights.
Now, the book was originally just about, and it's a true story about a journalist who brought home, whose wife brought home animals at their little farmhouse in Michigan.
And it was just kind of an amusing retelling of that.
I've heard her adopting all kinds of rest.
Well, we wrote several drafts.
And anyway, cut a long story short, we did a reading in LA with a bunch of great actors, and it just was not working as a screen.
And I turned to the writer, Rodney Vaccaro, who we'd worked with on a couple of projects before.
And I said to him, look, I had this thought that the animals should be a substitute for children.
Why don't we introduce the fact that they, let's make this an adoption story, that she can't have kids and it's the journey that they go.
And he said, oh, what a great idea.
He called me back a week later and he was hoarse.
He had already done the I've got the first draft for you.
I said, what, a week?
He said, yeah, it just bored out of me.
I said, why is your voice so hoarse?
He said, I never told you this, but both my girls are adopted.
And we had no idea.
We'd been working with him for several years.
So it clearly struck a nerve.
So I knew at that moment for sure that we were onto something.
And then it really became a film about how we're all connected.
As you've seen the film, you'll know what I'm talking about.
And I really wanted to make people laugh and entertain people.
But then I wanted to, you know, reach in and rip their hearts out.
And, you know, because I just, I'm getting tired of seeing so much nihilistic stuff in the world, period.
You know, all you can do is try and tip the scales in the other direction just for a minute.
Yeah, that's awesome.
That's awesome.
Because we always talk about how do you fight, you know, the culture war, whatever you want to call it.
And is it creating systems outside Hollywood?
Is it just making good stuff?
So it sounds like you lean more towards that side of the scale.
Yeah, I think it's just making good stuff.
And, you know, it is so hard to get any project off the ground after you've been trying to do this.
As Dave said, we optioned that book that the movie is semi-based on in 2004.
We have finally gotten this thing out there in 2023.
So this is not unusual, right, for Hollywood that, you know, it takes just an enormous amount of perseverance and energy and commitment and passion to get stuff done.
So it's and you need help financially.
I mean, help and the cast changed numerous times.
We thought we'd had it financed numerous times and it always fell through for any number of reasons, which I won't bore you with.
But now it seemed like the timing was right.
And I must tell you, when casting Anna Camp had to have been an act of God, because she's just completely brilliant in this film and was the person that I'd always wanted in the role.
And she and Joe are so wonderful together, you know.
But when we went back for the reshoot, we were stuck in Tennessee.
It was in the middle of a big ice storm, snowstorm, like one of the biggest ones of the century or something.
And we couldn't leave.
We couldn't get to Oklahoma City.
And we were days were going by and we were like, we're not even going to make pre-production.
What's going on?
This is after we came back from the second.
This is the second shoot.
This is post-pan, this is post-2020.
So we get to Oklahoma and there's snow on the ground everywhere.
And I went, there hadn't been any snow in my first.
If I want to save anything from the first shoot, I'm toast.
I'm done.
What am I going to do?
We don't have enough room in this schedule.
The next morning, the skies opened up.
It was blue sky.
Our entire shoot.
No one got COVID.
The snow melted.
No one got COVID.
We had beautiful weather.
And the day after we wrapped and left, there was a biblical thunderstorm that came in.
And we said, ah, okay.
Well, something's going on here.
That's awesome.
I love stories like that.
So, Patricia, we reviewed your Twitter, and I regret to inform you that you will be canceled for just about every tweet that you put up there.
Really?
Yeah.
No, you are such a vocal presence on Twitter.
Like, what's it like?
Have you faced any repercussions for that kind of stuff?
I don't think my Twitter feed is very strong.
I think I...
Well, compared to the average, I mean, you're pretty strong out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I don't.
We just have, we have friends from all corners of every, you know, ideology or political side or whatever.
And as I said before, like.
Religious or not religious.
Yeah, atheist.
And, you know, like I said, it's like being in the foxhole here in the trenches of trying to get stuff done, trying to get a show on the air.
Once you get it on the air, trying to keep it on the air.
Like when we go to work, whether it's our own movie or we're going on to a TV show or whatever, everybody is just trying to make the best product possible.
So the stuff that, you know, the way things are framed on social media don't really correspond to what happens day to day in our business.
We just, yeah, no, we're just, everybody's just, it's so hard.
Like, it's so hard that, you know, we're just trying to one thing I will say, though, is that because it is so hard to get things made, you want to work with people that you like because life's too short.
Yeah.
And it's such a grind.
And as a friend of ours once said, they're going to cancel you anyway.
So you may as well have a good time along the way.
Well, you guys seem like a delight to work with.
So I'm sure that helps.
When does Unexpected come out and where can people check this out at?
It's going to be available on demand, I think, initially on Amazon, various other platforms on February 1st.
I know iTunes are then showing it on the 2nd of February.
So it'll be on just about every on-demand platform you can imagine for the month of February.
And then it'll be on some streaming platform.
We don't know exactly which one yet.
We have an idea where it's going to be.
Yeah, but February 1st, February 1st is where you can rent it or purchase it.
And I don't know if we've actually said what the movie is about, but this is a movie about a married couple who can't have kids and the wife wants to adopt and the husband doesn't.
And it's a comedy and drama and it's about the journey they go on to resolve this issue.
And it's really delightful and moving.
Absolutely.
All right.
Well, guys, thank you for coming on.
Thanks so much.
Best of luck with the movie.
All right.
Thanks.
Thanks so much for having us on, guys.
I really appreciate it.
God bless, guys.
That was awesome.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Here's one from Jonathan Baker.
He says, hello, I was listening to your recent podcast about MLK and Vilma.
The speakers were laughing about Prince Harry and making male genitalia jokes.
I understand you are comedians, but you are also Christians.
I think that joke topic went too far considering that I like most of the other stuff you do, and that's no joke.
Jonathan, I don't think that's hate mail.
It's constructive criticism.
Constructive criticism, male.
We just didn't like the reference.
We weren't really making those jokes, I don't think.
I think we were making fun of because in the book, he talks about it a lot.
He talks about frostbite.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So maybe we were laughing.
Sorry, Jonathan.
I didn't.
I think there were some callbacks of the MLK statue.
But I mean, isn't the statue?
The statue itself is kind of a joke.
Yeah.
So I think my delineation is, is it in a sexual nature or is it an anatomical nature?
Sure.
I think that's a good delineation.
And I would concur.
All right.
Here's another one.
We sent out an email.
This was our newsletter.
IRS agent Slide Down Chimney is looking for gifts of $600 or more.
And we got a reply from Jim.
Who wants to.
I do not.
I'll read it.
I'll take one for this team.
Flowerbed.
You white nationalists, fascist pigs, go live with your dictator and white racist Putin.
Inscribe May from this and Shi.
There were some typos in it.
I like how you didn't have to actually alter the last word because it was just written with typographical errors.
Yeah.
Very well put.
So eloquent.
Jim.
Inscribe May.
I like that one.
And honestly, to be honest, Jim, I never really thought of it that way before.
That should be a thing.
Instead of unsubscribe me.
Inscribe May.
And I like the BS and then the S-word.
Like, why do you need to say both of those things?
Inscribe me from this BS and Shii.
I don't understand.
All right, everyone.
Thanks for joining us today.
We're going to go into our subscriber portion where we have our top five nerdy board games.
Kira's going to love that.
We have both.
I can't wait.
Bonus hate mail.
We're asking Kira 10 questions, probably, and subscriber headlines and all kinds of fun stuff.
Please join us at Babylon Bee Live.
It's going to be a freaking blast.
And we got Kira on stage with us for the live podcast recording.
Yeah.
It's going to be awesome.
It's going to be so cool.
Here we go.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
That's layers.
Too many layers.
Layers.
It's a long way to get there.
More layers than George Santos wears.
Big wheel keep on turning.
Proud merit keep on burning.
And we're rolling, on a river.
These people are, you guys are the biggest nerds I have ever met in my entire life.
This has been another edition of the Babylon Bee Podcast from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee.
Reminding you to go forth and punch Satan right in the face.