The Babylon Bee Podcast: White Lives Matter and Movies That Need A Remake
The Babylon Bee talks about the news of the week like scientists discovering something about how the dinosaurs died that sounds like something we read somewhere, Ye and Candace Owens wearing Pope Gear that says White Lives Matter, and John MacArthur writing an open letter to Gavin Newsom about his abortion billboard shenanigans. Kyle, Brandon, and Emma also talk about movies that definitely need a remake. They also talk about their recent sketch videos that seem to be doing numbers. Also, can Christians support legalizing abortion? The answer is definitely no. This episode is brought to you by our wonderful sponsors who you should absolutely check out: My Patriot Supply Dwell Allegiance Gold In the subscriber portion, The Babylon Bee poked a little fun at progressive Christians and the hate mail was totally worth it. Emma answers the second set of Ten Questions!
Scientists are finding out what killed the dinosaurs and it's a real flood of information.
Yay and Candace want everyone to know that white lives matter and that is racist.
Gavin Newsom put up abortion billboards around the country and John MacArthur has some thoughts.
Elon Musk is buying Twitter at the agreed upon price of $44 billion.
But with all the inflation lately, it's really like five cents.
We meet fun and progressive Christians and the comments are worth it.
All this and more on the B weekly.
Hey everyone, welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast.
I'm hanging out with my buddies Brandon and Emma.
Hi.
How you doing, Brandon?
How are you doing, Brandon?
What's going on?
You know, it's been a week.
It's been a pretty busy week here at the B. Very busy week.
It's been a fun week.
We got a lot done.
A lot of fun sketches upcoming.
Be on the lookout.
Lots of great video sketches we shot this week.
So, although I managed to avoid all the shoots.
You were not there for any of them.
So I was really busy.
I had a board game to play during the zombie one.
You're always there in spirit and in your writing.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, I just kind of like, but we have a great team, so I just write something and I go here.
You guys go do something with that.
That's why I'm here.
That's what you do, man.
So that's a lot of fun.
So this week we're going to talk about movies that need a remake.
Some of our sketches are going viral now and we will talk about them.
Yeah, that's true.
Like we just kind of did, but we'll keep talking about them.
And we've got some hate mail.
We did this Christianity light sketch, which I'm sure we'll play a little bit later on.
And the hate mail was fantastic.
It was.
A lot of people don't like being called out for not, you know, adhering to Christian beliefs.
Yeah.
The Bible.
You know.
Yeah.
Just, you know, the Bible.
The whole Bible thing.
Our managing editor, Joel Berry, assistant to the regional editor, had a conversation on Twitter with Phil Visher, the creator of Veggie Tales.
Oh, how'd that go?
Was it pleasant?
Was it a nice back and forth?
Phil Visher has a strange position on abortion.
It seems to me like he doesn't like abortion, or maybe he wants to say that it's bad, but he also is like scared of saying that.
And a lot of it has to do with his opinions on race.
Like he feels like if the majority of black Christians in America are pro-choice, then to condemn abortion wholesale is to condemn the black church.
So it's really rooted in his kind of CRT.
But I don't understand.
Like it's different segments of the population have different sins at different times, you know, that that segment of society happens to fall victim to.
The white church has sin.
And I even hate saying the white church and the black church, you know.
It's the church.
Yeah.
Why would you segregate it like that, Kyle?
Well, you know.
That's Phil Visher.
He's the one.
Yeah, he's slowly ruining my childhood because I love Veggie Tales.
He's quickly ruining my childhood.
Were you guys VeggieTales aficionado?
Yes.
Yeah, I was too.
Were you?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
I felt bad like about a month ago when we were on the podcast.
We were talking about Mary Rice Hopkins and you made a comment.
You said, oh, she's still a Christian?
I was like, yeah, absolutely.
Unlike Phil Visher.
And I felt really bad about that.
Now I don't anymore.
Well, I wouldn't go so far as hateful bigot Brandon, but I do think it's very troubling when people say stuff like that.
And I do, I mean, but I can still like disagree with Phil Visher and enjoy original Veggie Tales because I do think that was classic.
There was just something about the offbeat humor that Christian stuff was really lacking.
Because you had Donut Man that was like, everything was very pointed.
And Veggie Tales had jokes just for the sake of it.
It was highly entertaining.
Yeah.
Though Phil Visher also did have a thought on Twitter.
He was saying, when you think about it, though, Bob and Larry weren't actually vegetables.
They were both fruits.
Did he say that?
He's he said something along those lines.
might be paraphrasing was he trying to be funny or make a we'll see Yeah, you can't call a group of people fruits anymore.
Yeah.
Very good.
Phil Vischer?
Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, what am I going to sing when I lose my hairbrush now?
It's true.
There's plenty of hairbrush, lost hairbrush-inspired songs that you can still.
That song gets sung often in our house every morning because the kids lose their hairbrush.
And I'm just singing it walking around the house.
And Phil Vischer's progressivism will never take that away from us.
I actually have to pay him royalties every time I sing it and walking around the house, which is sad.
Don't make fun of me.
I do that.
You pay royalty?
No, no, but I've seen that.
No, I do.
I'm literally saying I do.
I'm agreeing with you.
Yeah.
Speaking of paying royalties, shop.babylonbee.com has shirts, books, mugs, tumblers, hats, and stickers.
It is great.
It's so great that I forgot to put on the shirt and then someone came in.
I can say his name.
Someone came in and said, you should put on that fax shirt.
And I said, nah.
But it's really good.
It is good.
I just, I was actually lazy to change it.
I saw it for the first time yesterday.
They turned out really good.
It did turn out great.
So we've got a Thomas Soule fax shirt.
We have a Truth Is Not Hate Hate speech shirt, which I was wearing yesterday.
I love that shirt.
And I'm a good person who supports the current thing shirt.
You know, that's cool.
And we also have a Babylon B book bundle where you can get the Babylon B Guide to Wokeness and the Babylon B Guide to Democracy for one moderate price.
I love that alliteration.
Babylon B book bundle.
The Babylon B. Only way to make it better is if you buy the Babylon B book bundle and put it in a bindle.
You could do that too.
And then it's a Babylon B, it's a bought Babylon B book bundle bundle.
Correct?
Yeah.
Do it.
Do it now.
And we've also got Thomas Hope.
Take a picture of you with your books in the bindle, and we'll send you a Sizzler gift.
We won't.
We actually won't.
Sorry, I can't make those promises.
We have a Clarence Thomas Hope t-shirt and conservative tears tumbler, which Brandon is sipping out of right now.
So if you want to support the Babylon B podcast, do that.
Another way you can support the Babylon B podcast is by subscribing to the Babylon B podcast YouTube channel, youtube.com slash thebabylon bee podcast.
Let's see what's in the news this week.
Treasure in heaven is great, but it's not going to buy you a tank of gas.
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What's in the news this week?
So Kanye West and Candace Owens wore a White Lives Matter shirt and featured an image of Pope John Paul II.
I don't why was it Pope?
I listened to Candice talk about this too, and she didn't get to the Pope part when I stopped listening.
But I don't get the Pope part.
Does anyone?
Like, are there series circulating?
Why is there the Pope?
And it's not even the current Pope, right?
Is that the current Pope?
Perhaps we can ask Kanye when he's on the podcast next.
Is that the current Pope?
I always feel like Francis should be the name of the Pope.
Oh, Francis is the current Pope.
Okay.
Yeah, I'm a Protestant.
We don't care about yourself.
Why would any Pope be on there?
He's just a pastor of a church in Rome.
He has nothing to do with me.
I've just offended a large portion of our audience.
They can write it.
We need to generate more hate mail.
Maybe it's one of those things where you buy a shirt and you think it just has a cool thing on the front and then you get it and it has like a giant thing on the back.
Maybe like maybe they just thought of this really last minute and they didn't have any like blank shirts to screen print onto.
They're like, hey, we've got these Pope shirts.
Just that.
Add a text to that.
Oh, man.
The Anti-Defamation League categorizes the phrase as a hate slogan used by white supremacists, including the KKK.
How crazy is this?
How crazy is that?
That that's considered a hate slogan.
It is pretty crazy.
Versus the ideology that has destroyed hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of property that has killed people, that has burned down neighborhoods.
It's Blue Lives Matter.
Talking about MAGA?
Exactly.
I'm talking about January 6th.
I did it.
Wow, your ring hurt me.
Sorry.
Well, that's cool.
So gas prices hit a record high of $6.46 in Los Angeles, soaring past its June high.
Oh, and we have a personalized picture.
This is a picture near Dan's house.
So you could probably triangulate this and figure out where Dan lives now.
And one of the prices, like the most expensive one, credit or without car wash or something, is $7.09.
I don't think I've seen it cross seven yet.
This is the first I've seen it crossed.
Do you think they would like intentionally skip over between $6.65 straight to $667 just to avoid the imagery?
I have not seen a 666.
I have seen 665 and 9 tenths.
And I took a picture of it and I said, not today, Satan.
And I think they do that.
I do think they skipped 666.
If you see a 666 gas, it's like 13 to us.
Floor 13 on a hotel.
Yeah, they don't do that.
They're okay with it being that high, but they're not okay with that number.
Well, the other thing is I think they're usually odd numbers.
Aren't they always?
They always end in like nine or five or more.
I never noticed that.
Well, I know that it's below $3 in Florida.
So it's not an everywhere problem.
It's just California.
Yeah, but it does go up at a similar, you know, where it's just that we have that additional dollar tax or whatever added up.
But I don't think it's the taxes.
I've been reliably informed by Gavin Newsom that it's because of corporate greed from the corporate greed and nothing else.
Do you guys remember when Biden was like, this is my message to gas stations?
Take down your prices.
Stop it.
Do it now.
Stop it.
Like, what is this?
This is my message.
What is this crown world?
Do it.
Just stop it.
Stop it now.
Stop.
Well, I posted, I went to a gas station.
I posted a picture and I had my friends from Hawaii and New York both tell me that our prices are higher than theirs.
And I've seen other people take pictures when they're at the gas station, which I think is kind of fun.
Because I thought it was just me and Dan.
Should just carry around a little poster board with an I did that and get in their picture.
I don't want to be in that.
But yeah.
It's crazy.
How could it be higher here than in Hawaii?
Because of Gavin Newsom.
We need to drill his head for oil.
I was literally about to say that.
Didn't you pitch that as a headline recently?
Yeah, I just told your headline.
Zero likes.
Oh, man.
It's sad.
I'll go give it a like.
So, and the weird thing, too, is that Biden was claiming credit for gas prices coming down a few months ago, and now it's just radio silence.
Like, no, like, and they just kind of crept back up, and the news didn't report on it.
It wasn't made a big deal.
It was just like, oh, yeah, we're doing seven dollars again.
That's what we're doing.
So, corporate greed.
Really sad.
And, and it's the California restrictions where you can't, you have to get the oil from California.
So, just limits your supply.
They could just change those rules in an instant and it would solve the problem.
Yeah.
It's almost like taking responsibility for your bad decisions.
Yeah.
I mean, Christianity Light would teach you not to do that.
Stay tuned.
Christianity Light.
I really, you know what I learned for the first time?
What?
This week?
Gavin Newsom considers himself a Christian.
I never, yeah.
Is it just in public?
Well, he's related to Nancy Pelosi.
Well, she's a Catholic, so is he a Catholic?
Catholic, yeah.
Okay.
Not a Christian, a Catholic.
I stand corrected.
That's strike two.
Listen to Catholic audience.
John MacArthur released a fire open letter to Gavin Newsom after Gavin put up billboards around the country promoting California as a place to go get an abortion and even used scripture to say abortion is loving your neighbor.
So is this part of his like Catholicism ideology?
It's part of his Antichrist theology.
But yeah, that story last week made me absolutely sick, sick to my stomach.
Dude, when I saw that billboard, I thought it was maybe Photoshopped or like someone was like, it was one of those outrage things.
Someone's like, true.
What kind of process, approval processes did that go through?
And finally.
He just thought he was totally slammed.
And he ran this in Mississippi or something.
So he's trying to slam and just throwing it in their faces.
How disgusting.
But Johnny Mack had something to say.
Johnny Mack said, you have not only failed in your responsibility to punish evildoers, you routinely turn it on its head, rewarding evildoers and punishing the righteous.
In mid-September, you revealed to the entire nation how thoroughly rebellious against God you are when you sponsored billboards across America promoting the slaughter of children whom he creates in the womb.
My concern, Governor Newsom, my concern, Governor Newsom, is that your own soul lies in grave eternal peril.
Each one of us will give an account of himself to God.
My plea to you, sir, is that you would not let it come to that, that you would not go to that day of judgment apart from receiving forgiveness and righteousness through faith in Christ alone.
Why put scripture on the billboard?
Why not just put a because he's just throwing it in your face because he's an evil person.
That's why.
Because that's what Satan does.
It doesn't even make any sense to you.
He was trying to convict Christians that they need to support crushing the skulls of babies severing their spines and chopping them up while still alive.
Also severing their vocal cords so they can't scream.
Love your neighbor.
Love your neighbor.
Love your neighbor, y'all.
And it's on the ballot coming up soon.
A vote.
It's like Proposition 1 if to make abortion in California part of the Constitution.
Just absolutely disgusting.
And it includes, it doesn't even have any limitations to it.
It's just automatic that any late-term abortion would be automatically legal and part of the Constitution.
Democratic Congress would not pass the, would not vote yes on the Born Alive, Born Alive Protection Act.
So is that, was that to provide medical care for babies that were born alive surviving an abortion, a failed abortion.
So that's where we are.
On that happy note, guys, the Babylon Bee podcast, you come here for your, for your job.
I don't get worked up by that too much, but when I saw that scripture, it's man, and I really appreciate it that MacArthur does seem to have a care for Newsome Soul.
You know, he's like, you need to repent.
I thought that was pretty cool.
So speaking of the wrath of God on horrible people and countries, we now believe that a global tsunami is what killed the dinosaurs, according to secular scientists.
An asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs also triggered a global tsunami, according to CNN, which is cool.
So next up, we're going to know that we're going to find out that dinosaurs didn't exist either.
No, they did.
Satan planted the bones.
That's not what Ken Ham said.
What?
He had a different word for dinosaur.
Dinosaur kind.
Donovan.
Did he call them dragons?
Was it animal kind or reptile kind or something like that?
Well, he said the word dinosaur was invented in mid-1900s.
Yeah, but that's just an etymological point.
Yeah, that's the word.
So Ken Ham won, Bill Nye Zero.
That's right.
And also, an ancient city's destruction by an exploding space rock may have inspired the biblical story of Sodom and Gomorrah, according to, this looks like Huffington Post or something.
So they found out that around the time of Sodom and Gomorrah, a whole city exploded in the area.
And they're saying, well, the biblical story was inspired by this.
Inspired by it.
Like so many stories were inspired, like had flood mythology.
Exactly.
Interesting.
Wiped out with a blast 1,000 times more powerful than an atomic bomb.
That's something.
What kind of power in the universe could be more powerful than an atomic bomb?
Elon Musk, his lawyer, announced that he is going through with the $44 billion purchase of Twitter.
Yay.
Will Babylon Bee be on Twitter this time next week?
Stay tuned and find out.
We're about to find out.
What should our first tweet back be?
We've had a few ideas.
Should I say it here?
Sure.
I wanted to do Doctor of the Year is Jill Biden.
I like the idea of referencing the Rachel Levine tweet somehow.
I also like just, hey, what's going on, guys?
I also like...
Adam was pitching the idea of like just totally slamming Elon Musk as our first tweet and being like, just to see if he's really going to support this tweet.
Yeah, to test free speech.
That feels like something The Onion's going to do, though.
So we have a banger of the week.
Banger of the week.
Not to be outdone by Lizzo, Beyonce performs concert wearing George Washington's teeth.
That's a lovely picture.
Terrifying.
I had to Photoshop her cleavage, Adam.
Terrifying.
Good.
I messaged Joel because it had been up all day, and I'm looking at it.
I was like, you can't.
So I prevented the young men from lusting.
She looks like the Hessian from Sleepy Hollow.
Starring Johnny Depp and Christopher Walken as the Hessian.
Chandler did a good job as her voice.
If you go over to the Bee Radio podcast, there's a good impersonation of Beyonce's.
I believe black people should be played by black voices.
How do you know that Chandler's not black?
Because I know her.
She's white.
And when you know someone, you know their race.
You do know their race.
However, even though that was the banger of the week, this one should have been the banger of the week.
Phil Visher penns fun new Veggie Tales episode, Laura Carrot gets an abortion.
I know why that doesn't do well.
Yes.
It's a lesson in nuance.
I would feel weird about liking it.
Yeah, nobody would.
It's like, yay, a carrot gets an abortion.
Because baby.
And it's vegetarian.
The joke is baby carrot, you know.
And so, on that subject, our very own Joel Berry took to Twitter to eviscerate Phil.
Yeah, get it.
So, someone asked, Yeah, I got it.
So, someone asked Phil Vischer, do you support legal abortion and instances of pregnancy resulting from rape?
And he says, I don't have a specific position.
Can I do a mob of the tomato voice?
I can't do a bob that I don't have a specific position, but probably if it's early in the pregnancy, that sounds like a specific position.
That's a pretty like, yeah.
And Joel shared it and said, Remember, kids, God made you special and he loves you very much, unless you're a product of rape.
This is just so dark.
Yeah.
And then James White, not the football player, the apologist, Wade in.
He's quoting some early church fathers that say things like, You shall not abort a child or commit infanticide.
And that's in response to Twitter's so annoying because he's like, That's the nested gun.
But he's quoting Phil, who said that, well, you know, Christians throughout the years have disagreed on this.
And this did a, there was a whole big back and forth with Phil Visher and a ton of other people.
And Phil Visher said, Right, but a majority of Christians approve, approve of some exceptions to an abortion ban, to which Joel replied, Congrats, Phil, you're in the majority.
Joel's just going to town.
And Phil was getting pretty hardly ratioed on the pretty severely ratioed on these tweets.
So, you know, it's nice that Joel's just ethering the creator of Veggie Tales.
I wish they would do a debate.
Oh, that wasn't the bomb of the week.
That really was the banger.
Then should have been the banger.
It should have been the banger.
According to the budget.
They should have done a Phil Visher never has people on the podcast that he disagrees with.
So it's just a little mini echo chamber.
Yeah.
Like us.
Yeah.
We should debate him.
Yeah.
Get Phil Visher out and debate him.
Has he been on before?
No, we had the good one, the Larry, the guy with my good one.
Mike Naraki came on.
Oh, okay.
Well, here's our bomb of the week.
Bomb of the week.
Zelensky asks Ben Stiller if he can put him down as a reference on his NATO application.
Now it's time for Sizzler Facts.
No commentary on that one.
I don't really care.
I just don't care.
20 weeks ago, we debuted a new feature to the podcast called Sizzler Facts, and it was met with overwhelming praise.
This week's Sizzler Fact.
Trevor Noah once referred to COVID plexiglass as the sneeze guards from Sizzler.
Now we have some questions about this.
How familiar is Trevor Noah with Sizzler?
Has he ever been to a Sizzler?
Does he fully comprehend that indisputable fact that Sizzler offers choices?
Does Trevor know where former Sizzler CEO Carrie Cramp is right now?
Will Trevor be.
Will Trevor be spending a lot of his newfound free time at local Sizzler restaurants?
It's time for Sizzler comments.
Sizzler comments.
Sent to us by Alyssa.
Hey, I've got a Sizzler fact for your podcast.
No, you have a comment.
I was folding my laundry watching Everybody Loves Raymond as a 30-something year old mom and wife does on a Friday evening.
And Ray makes a joke about Sizzler in regards to his wacky father, who is clearly a fan.
Since last week's Sizzler fact was that one of your employees went there with his family, I thought this would be a good step up.
Or this may be a step up.
Season one, episode six, 1425 Mark Peace.
Now you know where to get.
Look it up.
Sizzler in the media.
We should do an upcoming Sizzler in the movies for Sizzler Facts.
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We go in Sizzler.
We go in Sizzler.
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Well, this has been Sizzler Comments.
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We do not grant you the rank of Sizzler Fact.
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And now we're going to do a perennial classic, a list segment.
We are going to list our top movies that need a remake.
Now, I find this an interesting topic, and I hope a few of you do too.
Because to me, whenever I see lists about movies that need a remake, it's movies that people really liked.
And I say, yes.
So why do you want them to be remade?
Lion King wasn't good enough, so they had to make it with one of the greatest animated movies of all time.
Aladdin was a terrible movie.
Therefore, let's make it with Will Smith.
Right.
So if you look up, go Google lists of movies that need to be remade, and they're all movies that absolutely should never be touched.
Princess Bride, I mean, don't remake it.
Like, don't.
Don't remake that movie.
But...
The never-ending story.
That's all on my list.
Yeah, Nevending Story.
Don't touch it.
Just don't mess with it.
Why wouldn't you touch that movie?
You can make your case in a second.
You can make your case in a second, Emma.
But I feel that the real movies that need to be remade are the ones that had a ton of potential, great concept, or maybe a great property.
And then boom.
And the problem is when you have a movie that does terribly or isn't executed well, Hollywood won't touch it for 20 years.
And you have to wait.
You know, some time has to go by.
So I've got a few good ones.
I picked like 10.
Dan told me to only pick three, so I picked 10.
But I'll do three and then some honorable mentions.
Okay.
Okay.
I did three.
Yeah.
I have a few extras, though.
How many did you do, Emma?
I have three because one of them is now eliminated based on your Holspiel.
No, you can do.
You can do.
I'm still going to say that.
No, you do it.
He was just mocking you.
So Emma is going to go first and give us her movie that needs to be remade.
Okay, I think the never-ending story could be remade because even though people enjoyed it as a kid, it's not something that you can watch now.
Like, you can't get through it now because of the weird dragon dog and the special effects that are just really cheesy.
And so I think if it was made now, it would just be, you could continuously watch it in the future.
And if it was made, I don't know, better.
Do you think though that some of the low special effects are like part of the charm of some of those classics?
Maybe for like the labyrinth, I think it works still.
And I could still watch it now, but I can't watch the never ending story now.
I think in the age of, and don't get me wrong, I actually do have a great appreciation for CG.
I know a lot of people just slam anytime they see CG.
They hate it.
It's done well.
I actually appreciate it, but there's something about practical effects.
There's something about puppets.
Even though puppets don't look like real creatures, one can argue Moz Kanada looks more like a real creature than a puppet, but there's something organic about that puppet.
That's like the weird creatures in Labyrinth or fragile rock.
But I think that the never-ending story could be better today.
I still think you should use as much practical effects and environment than CGI.
But now that we could make a dragon that doesn't have a dog head, like let's do it.
So in your remake, who would sing the theme song?
I don't know.
Would it be Ed Sheeran?
Or no one?
Trevor Noah.
Beyonce wearing George Washington skin.
Yeah, no big people like that.
No big people, no Lizzie.
No, like, no Beyonce that's going to sing it.
No, no Lizzo.
Playing James Madison's flux.
Playing the Never Ending Star.
Never ending story.
Now, as you were talking, I remembered one other introductory comment I wanted to make.
And that is, I don't think Hollywood would actually do a good job at remaking any of these movies today.
Because I feel like there was a tipping point like four or five years ago where all remakes just became like, okay, they're going to race swap.
They're going to gender swap.
They're going to inject representation.
I think generally Hollywood as a single conglomerate entity is less interested in storytelling than they are in money making and pandering and ideology.
But that being said, there are some exceptions.
If the right director, the right studio got it.
Like Dune is something that Dune is something five or six years ago I would have said absolutely needs to be rebooted.
It was rebooted and it was done great.
It was awesome.
Yes, and that was much better than the David Lynch production.
Absolutely.
Despite the fact that it had a superior score by Toto.
So anyone else?
My number one is The Hobbit, The Hobbit trilogy.
And this to me was one of the biggest cinematic disappointments because the potential of a two to three hour film telling the story of The Hobbit, and I'll grant maybe a two-part.
I don't even like doing a two-part.
But if you want to do a long movie, a three-hour movie, three and a half-hour movie, the story of Bilbo Baggins, self-contained, you can watch it with your kids in that universe with the same feel as Peter Jackson's universe.
I would love that.
And I was so excited when it was announced.
And I didn't even see any of them in the theaters because it just immediately was obvious.
I've never seen the third movie.
I never finished it.
It's not worth watching.
Not worth watching.
What ruined it for you?
Because I think part of it, part of the charm of the original is that it's more practical than it is CGI.
And they really got into 3D movies.
Well, and they thought that was going to be big.
One of the biggest things about it was, well, I mean, there was the whole weird 48 frames thing that I don't know why he decided to do that.
I also saw that in Sam's Club.
It was playing on one of the big TVs.
And I was like, this looks like a soap opera.
Like, why?
Why are they doing this?
But also, I kind of blame the studio for this.
And I think Peter Jackson himself was moderately disenfranchised by this decision.
I could be wrong.
But the fact that they were like, this is literally a money printer.
And so they decided to make six pages an entire movie, a three-hour movie, just expounding upon it far more than it needed to.
I don't know if I said this on podcast before, but a few years ago, I was doing a reread of The Hobbit, and I was like, oh, it might be fun to play the soundtrack while reading it.
I was literally reading the story faster than the soundtrack.
And I was having to skip forward in the soundtrack to be at the same part I was in the book.
And I literally read the book faster than the soundtrack.
It's a 250 to 300-page little kids' book you can sit down and read in one sitting.
And it was three movies.
It was 10 hours long.
No, no, no.
I agree with the CGI comment.
The physics, it feels like a cartoon world.
By the time they get to the goblin hole and they're like falling and surfing down falling bridges.
And you're like, oh, okay, so these people can't die.
So why do I care?
It would have redeemed itself in the barrel river sequence if someone had shouted out, do a barrel roll.
That would have kicked it up one star, yes.
All right.
How many are we doing?
That was my first, and she's doing.
Well, I think we're trying to list three, and then I'll rattle off some honorable.
Then I will start with a completely obscure pick that I don't think any of you will get, and that is The Pirates of Penzance.
It's a Gilbert and Sullivan classic musical that is witty, it's brilliant, inspired a lot of animaniac songs, fantastic music, and it's absolutely hilarious.
The 1983 version with Kevin Klein, Angela Lansbury, and Rex Smith is the best version to date, and it is terrible.
I mean, it's very good, but it's also like very poorly done.
And they were playing with this release model where they released it on video at the same time as theaters, 1983.
I don't know what they were thinking back then, but it bombed.
It looks like a glorified high school stage production visually.
But that's-I feel like musicals are making a comeback in the theaters.
You feel like that would be something that they would do.
But here's another note for Hollywood: stop casting non-singers in musicals.
Just stop it.
I like Hugh Jackman and Zach Efron.
I thought, well, Hugh Jackman was supposed to be a singer.
Like, didn't he start off as a singer, but that doesn't mean that you can sing all things in Maxwell.
I didn't like him in Le Miz.
He was quite bad.
I don't know why I was so disappointed, but...
Because he was bad.
But I thought, well, before you saying that, I thought everyone seemed to love him in that movie.
Oh.
Well, I think people are entranced by his face and general charm and persona.
And he is a charming fella.
I was kind of hoping that your list would all be Pride and Prejudice.
Number one, movie needs to be rebooted.
Pride and Prejudice.
My wife knew Hugh Jackman personally and said he was a very, very amiable man.
Okay.
He seems like a nice guy.
And he's going to be in Wolverine, another Wolverine movie or something.
Is he?
There's a rumor about it.
I thought so, but there was a rumor about it.
Okay.
What is your number two, Emma?
Number two is A Wrinkle in Time.
It was done in 2018, surprisingly, and I didn't even know about it.
The book is so good.
Yeah, I remember liking the book a lot as a kid.
And when I saw the trailer, it just didn't really match any of the characters that I had envisioned.
You didn't picture Oprah Winfrey and it would be a bit more.
No, I pictured someone weird and quirky.
It's an Oprah in it.
Am I making that up?
Oprah is definitely in it.
And it took $100 million to make it, and it only made $30 million.
Total.
But I bet you that half that $50 million went to Oprah being in it.
Yeah.
That's such a disaster.
And it's so sad.
And it has such strong Christian themes in the original book that they just ripped out.
So I've got thoughts on that.
Oh, go ahead.
So I do love Wrinkle in Time.
It's always going to be one of my top 30 books, stories.
Very fond memories of it in my childhood.
I did read it again a few years ago.
And yeah, I used to think Madeline Langel had stalwart Christian principles written into her books.
She's kind of a universalist.
She is, but I don't know at the time if she was.
Wrinkle in Time was universalist.
You think so?
Wrinkle in Time mentions.
So when they're talking about kind of the pathways to heaven, the enlightenment, essentially, she mentions Menson's name.
I do remember that, yeah.
Jesus and Buddha and Muhammad.
Maybe not Muhammad, but Gandhi, I think.
I guess it's relative because if I'm reading that as Christian fiction, then I'm like, oh, this is heresy.
If I'm reading it as a secular book and I'm like, oh, there's kind of a bit of a Christian.
Brilliant story, a great start to a series that quickly went downhill.
I felt like there was some predestination themes.
Once we got to the Noah book with the little elephants, I was not into it.
Not into it.
Good.
All right.
My number two is John Carter.
This was a Disney movie that came out in like 2008-ish.
And it was an adaptation of the old books by Edgar Rice Burroughs, which were just fantastic sci-fi books.
It's essentially Superman on Mars, and they're wonderful.
And I think the first five books, they're totally worth reading.
And they, and the title of the sci-fi books, the pulp fiction books, is A Princess of Mars, which is the first book is called The Princess of Mars.
And eventually it became called the John Carter of Mars series or the Princess of Mars series.
And that's a great evocative title, A Princess of Mars.
And you're like, oh, what does that mean?
They changed the name of the movie to John Carter of Mars because they felt nobody wanted to go see a movie with Princess in the title.
Why would you?
And then they had test audiences or whatever, and they said, Mars, sci-fi isn't in right now.
Let's rename it John Carter.
And if you hear the name John Carter and you don't know what John Carter of Mars is, you're going to go, I don't want to go see a movie about a random guy named John.
Yeah.
The movie itself was okay.
Is it Channing Tatum?
I don't even remember.
The guy disappeared from Hollywood, I think.
Oh, okay.
Someone else.
Yeah, it was someone else.
But anyway, the movie was okay.
It really, they could have done better.
And it was kind of that weird, awkward era where they were just getting into realistic CGI kind of.
I'm thinking of Jupiter, Jupiter, whatever.
I'm sorry.
No, you're thinking Jupiter Ascending.
Yeah, that was Channing Tatum.
That one was okay.
Anyway, John Carter, I would love to see a good adaptation of the pulp series.
No thoughts from that.
Did you skip Wrinkle in Time?
No, it's on my list, but it's later.
Okay.
I'm just going to include it in honorable mentions.
Sure.
Go ahead.
My number two is Venom.
So Spider-Man 3 was on the horizon.
Little me, huge Spider-Man fan, and the greatest character.
And the funny thing is, I was never into villains as a kid.
Like, I know a lot of people now just love all the villains in various franchises.
And I was always, no, you vote for the, I mean, you root for the good guy.
Always.
The good guys, always.
The bad guys are bad.
Good guys are good.
However, Venom.
I loved Venom.
I always loved Venom.
And so when I saw that Venom was going to make his way to Spider-Man 3, I was elated.
And my disappointment for that.
That was my disappointment for that movie sent me into this emo spiral.
I attended jazz clubs and just danced.
Of the original Spider-Man, Spider-Man 3 or 3.
Of the Toby McGuire's, yes.
And then the Venom movie was announced.
And then the Venom movie was announced.
And at this point, I had zero hope.
I had no hope.
There's only one movie called that.
I did not.
Yeah, I watched it.
I watched it entirely dispassionately.
And then they teased, Let There Be Carnage.
And I was like, no, please, no.
Let it stop.
Let Sony not ruin Carnage as well.
And did they ruin?
I did not watch it, but I'm planning on it.
But like, again, like my childhood, I didn't like villains, but Venom and Carnage are like the two that were comic cookies.
The best villains.
And so, yeah.
Venom and Carnage.
I've never seen it.
They came up with a second one, right?
Was it Venom 2?
Is that the thing?
That's what I'm saying.
Is that the Carnival?
No, no, no, no.
Okay, got it.
I liked Venom a lot more than Spider-Man 3.
Well, Spider-Man 3 is a disaster or something.
And unfortunately, they kind of hinted that Venom is canonical with in the MCU, the Venom movie, the Tom Hardy movie.
Said.
All right, Emma, what's your number three?
Are we at number two?
I think we're at number three.
Okay, well, I'm going to say The Hunger Games, and then I have some honorable mentions.
Yeah, we'll rattle off honorable mentions after.
Yeah, I love it.
I love the movies, so.
I don't love.
I don't, I especially don't like the last one.
Okay.
So I don't like it when they ruin a series for no reason, like Harry Potter part two.
I don't like when they split the final movie.
I don't like when they do that.
Or when they split a movie or a book into three giant parts.
Yes.
So I thought that it could be filmed kind of differently.
It was more, it was like very soft and easy to watch.
I think it should have been more extreme or you should look at where they're living in the beginning and feel something just by how they're living.
You know, you see Jennifer Lawrence and you're like, well, she's not starving and she's not suffering in this village.
So I didn't think they really sold that very well.
That these sections weren't as bad as they really are.
Because in the book, it's like North Korea.
But in the movie, it's not even that bad.
It's like downtown LA.
Weren't they still shooting people?
I don't know.
It just didn't seem that bad.
And I'm always against if they don't get dirt on the face of the star.
If she can look that clean the whole movie, I'm always just kind of like, oh, this is not good.
This is probably under contract.
Don't want to get it.
Probably.
And I didn't like PETA, the guy who played Peter Carlos.
I didn't feel like either of the love interests was great in the films, but I thought Jennifer Lawrence did a great job.
PETA's jaw distracted me.
He's so much shorter than that.
Distracted me.
Oh, yeah.
I thought, I also didn't like, I don't like Shaky Cam.
Oh, yeah.
There was a lot of shaky cam.
There's a lot of that.
Well, I think we do adhered better than we did it in that they did.
There's been a sketch or two of ours that was a little.
Yeah, I think that I first watched that movie and it made me motion sick.
Yeah, I didn't feel about it.
Have you ever seen The Born Supremacy?
No.
You got to watch The Born Supremacy.
I don't want to get that.
My dad was going to be a little bit more.
The Supremacy was the worst one.
Cloverfield.
But I love Cloverfield.
That's a good movie.
All right.
So my number three.
We're going up.
I was kind of down.
I'm just, I actually don't have a strong preference for ordering these.
Sounds good.
My number three, or my final choice for our top three, is the Star Wars prequels.
Sad.
An interesting choice, I know.
A controversial perhaps.
You hear that, Travis?
And I say this because to me, this is the perfect movie for this kind of list.
Yet it is a movie that has excellent bones.
There's a good story somewhere in there.
And they just need to redo it.
Well, obviously, Disney won't do a good job at it.
I'm just saying if there was some hypothetical world where there was a good filmmaker that was going to do the Star Wars prequels, keep George Lucas a thousand feet away from the set at all times.
Lock him in a room, whatever.
Lock Kathleen Kennedy in a room.
Here's what you need to do.
You need to let George Lucas come and do a whiteboard and say, here's the general story.
And then say, thank you so much, Mr. Lucas.
We will be seeing you.
That's all we need.
And they'll send him away.
Get in your jacket and enter the cell.
Get a good writer to write it.
Get a good director to direct it.
get a good cinematographer to shoot it, and keep him away from the set.
And I think the prequels, just tell a great story, and I would love to see them.
I have my doubt.
I mean, like, I have my suspicions that at some point Disney's going to do this.
They'll figure out some way to reboot the prequels, and it's going to be terrible.
We'll just say that up front.
But if Disney didn't have the rights, if someone else had the rights to do it, I would have loved to see a good take on the prequel trilogy.
I'm just sad in general about the state of Star Wars.
Sure, I agree.
My favorite IP of all time.
Yes.
There's a new show out, and I have zero interest in watching it.
Zero interest.
And see, this is why I say prequels versus sequels, because I don't think the sequels need a reboot.
I think they were executed well.
I just think that it was a bad story.
They didn't sit down and coordinate what this trilogy was going to be ahead of time.
It's like almost like they didn't plan the scripts.
It's the opposite problem as the prequels to me.
So, anyway, what is your final selection for the top three?
It wasn't me.
I thought it was going to Emma.
I think she already did it.
No, I did mine.
Oh, you did?
Rubing golden this one.
So, my final selection.
Oh, that's right.
You're right.
Ender's game.
I almost picked this.
Ender's game.
This is one of those books that you pick up and you cannot put down.
And the movie was just an abysmal stain on cinematic history.
I remember walking through at Comic-Con, they had like the Ender's game booth, whatever outside.
And I was walking through, looking around, and I was like, none of this is remotely close to anything that could possibly be good.
But I mean, maybe I have my own personal idea of what I want it to look like.
And I kind of wanted it to look like an 80s sci-fi movie.
How cool would that be if we just today made a retro 80s style sci-fi?
And I'm, I can't say I'm sure, but obviously written in the 80s, Orson Scott Card probably had that type of imagery in his head.
And so why not do it that way?
Yeah.
And also, you know, make it again, but good.
Make it again, but good.
We should get Orson Scott Card on the podcast to have ask him about that.
Yeah, he's baits.
Say, hey, how about you make it again?
But good.
But, you know, make it good.
So, all right.
Yeah, my wife saw that at midnight.
You know, because she loves the book and she came home like in tears about how bad it was.
So, all right, we have a few honorable mentions before we move on to our next segment.
What are your honorable mentions, Emma?
I would say the remake of I really like the original Swedish version of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo.
It's a three-part series, it's very powerful.
It's based on a book about human trafficking.
And then they remade it into a British version, and they made the first movie.
I thought it was good, even though it took me forever to watch it because I was against them remaking it at all.
And then they completely changed cast and director for the second movie, and it was a horrible mistake.
And I think they should just go back to the original cast from the first movie, make the second one, completely wipe the second one off the face of the earth, and then make the third one.
I didn't think about that.
I didn't think about movies that where I would say, keep the first one in the camera.
I did, and make the second one.
Like the Matrix.
You know, I could remake the second Matrix movie or whatever.
I will.
I was just thinking the fourth Matrix.
Right.
Yeah.
I mean, I think a lot, I think it's a movie worth watching, but people aren't going to watch it because it's in Swedish.
Yeah, I don't think I've seen any of the movies.
I read the book.
It's really hard to cover all the books, but I haven't seen any of the movies that I am aware of.
Yeah, it's hard to watch because it's about, you know, human trafficking and all the torture that she goes through.
But I always feel weird about eating popcorn in movies like that.
Like, this is like, I don't know.
We're watching a Holocaust remembrance movie.
Yeah, the Passion of the Christ and like eating popcorn.
Yeah, you can't eat.
Yeah.
Speaking of theater snacks, they should ban theater snacks in movies like Quiet Place.
It's not like I have a personal anecdote about that.
Or at least judge you.
Like if you're like, one, one ticket for Passion of the Christ, please.
And then you're like, can I please have a bag of popcorn?
And they're like, really?
Are you sure?
I just need it.
Yeah.
We've seen that.
Do you have any other?
I would probably eat popcorn during anything.
I also think they could do The Maze Runner again because I like that book.
It was terrible.
I don't think I saw the movie either.
I read the books.
I don't know.
One of those, they just chose like a pretty person to do it.
Pretty person.
Who was it?
Who was pretty?
Some guy.
Oh, okay.
He's not in anything ever again.
It just.
No.
Younger guy.
So every dystopian movie stars changed.
Oh, Peter's in it.
No, no, I don't think Peter's in it.
But yeah.
I also didn't like the story that they went with with the Wallace and Grommet movie.
No, I agree with that 100%.
But why is it a were-rabbit?
That's not even spaceships or anything that.
Yeah, and Wallace and Gromit is best when they have some really silly small problem they're trying to solve and they go off and do it.
I didn't love that it was like...
I don't like when they take this thing where it's a small scope and they make it this big epic like, the curse of the were-rabbit.
You know, it just feels and it feels like a Halloween movie instead of Wallace Group.
Yeah, why is it a Hollywood?
Yeah, I agree with that.
Strong thoughts.
About Velocity Grom.
There's no cheese in the movie, so how could it, yeah?
I've never seen the movie, but yeah, I think I remember vaguely watching it.
It does require cheese.
Yeah.
We need more of those clay stop motion movies.
I love Chicken Run.
Yeah, that's nice.
Yeah.
I didn't love Chicken Run, but.
Chicken Run's great.
I didn't love it.
I thought it was okay.
It's a little anti-Semitic.
Not really.
What?
Was it Neil Gibson or that?
I don't remember.
It was Voices.
Maybe it was.
It was just VO.
Yeah, I don't know.
Did you have any more honorable mentions?
Well, I did have an idea of a movie that you could remake into a live action that might work, but it's not been done.
I don't think there's been an animation out there that's been remade and it's been successful.
What is that?
But if they were going to do that, then I think they could do that with Princess Mononoke and make it into a live action.
Because I think Studio Ghibli is movies that you could put into a live action that just hasn't been done before.
Except for My Neighbor Trails.
Say sacrilege, but you know.
But it's like no one succeeded at it, so don't do it until you've figured it out.
But if you do, I think Princess Mononoke would have done it.
If it's done well, yeah, right, right, right.
Any other honorable mentions?
No.
Mine are Kroll, the classic 80s sci-fi movie.
I would love to see that done well.
A Wrinkle in Time, which you already talked about.
Star Wars Rogue One, make it with characters whose names we can actually remember.
Conan the Barbarian, which as much as the Arnold Schwarzenegger version is beloved, it does not capture the magic of the original Conan stories, which was like Monster of the Week, episodic.
I'm going to go into a dungeon and steal some treasure and fight something, and a wizard's going to cast a curse on me and I have to fight my way out.
Do it as an episodic series.
Monster of the week.
I would love a modern Conan.
They already rebooted it, but it was bad.
1984.
Like, we haven't had a good adaptation of 1984.
I heard someone was remaking it, and I don't think it's going to be good because what they were saying is like, 1984 is so related to our current themes of fake news and the attack on democracy.
I'm like, oh, so you're going to do this wrong.
I see.
Solomon Kane, it had a movie version in like 2008.
It's a fantastic property.
Same author as Conan.
I would love to see a good Solomon Kane movie.
And finally, Stephen King's The Dark Tower, which had a middling kind of half-butt version done a few years back.
Any honorable mentions for you?
I had one on the tip of my tongue and I forgot what it was, but I'll just go along with the list that I have.
I think the Chronicles of Narnia could be refreshed.
I think they're going to.
Yeah, the latest iteration was not good and I didn't finish it.
Though the BBC mini-series is inspired cinema with that wolf superimposed over like ha ha ha in the giant beaver suit.
I don't know if anyone's going to catch this, but High Tops.
It was an old Christian musical.
I vaguely remember it.
That's great.
I would love to see that.
And Newsboys Down Under the Big Top, but with a black lead played by Michael Tate.
They race swapped Peter Perler.
Gotta get there.
That's it.
That's all I got.
All right, so Hollywood, don't touch these, but if anybody else outside of Holly wants to reboot these, please go ahead and do it.
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So we filmed a sketch and put it out called Californians Adjust to New Life in Texas.
Now, this was the first that we're actually gonna be doing in a series.
I think we're gonna film five or six episodes.
The second one is coming out soon.
It'll probably be out by the time this is.
It's out already right now.
You can check out the second episode right now.
Yeah.
Hi.
Hey there.
Thanks so much for inviting us.
We've never been to a real backyard barbecue before.
Yeah, LA neighbors never invited you for a cookout?
We never met our neighbors.
You need to meet the host.
Oh, yeah.
Howdy.
Hi.
Well, boats, this is Clay.
Hey, how are you doing?
I'm Timpany.
She, her.
I'm Steve, he, him.
Well, Timpany, see, she, her, and Steve, he, him.
It's, uh, it's, uh, I'm Clay.
Hey, Sam.
Why don't you just meet these new neighbors that we have?
They're the ones that Kevin was telling us about.
Yes, well, welcome to our humble little hacienda.
Hey, me, Casa, yesu casa.
Oh, I know this one.
Hey, Vato, go Dawyers.
The Latinx love me.
My gardener, Javier, nicknamed me Caronito.
It means he cares.
Anyway, we brought a salad.
It's a quinoa kale salad with a balsamic reduction.
Jennifer Anison ate this every day on a set of friends.
Well, bless your heart.
I'm just gonna go sit this somewhere else.
Well, what did that tell you?
They are exactly like you described them.
Thank you.
That's so sweet.
I better go check on the ribs.
You two have fun, you hear ribs.
So I heard you guys moved back to California.
Actually, is that true?
Oh, we did.
But when we got there, squatters were in our homes, and by state law, we can't evict them for months.
So we moved back.
That's horrible.
We had no real right to the house, anyways.
It being on the traditional and unceded homelands of the Tongva, Shumash, and Kitsch peoples.
Huh.
Well, we are about to eat.
So, we're gonna say a few words.
A land use acknowledgement.
Ah, Grace.
I don't get it.
Praying.
Oh, like the emoji.
Just like that.
All right, everybody.
Why don't you guys come on over?
Let's take care.
Take our hats off.
Let's bow our heads now.
Lord God, Heavenly Father.
Poor mother.
We just pray, bless this meat we are about to eat in the name of Jesus.
Who was a person of color?
Everybody said he stays.
All right, let's get you guys some food, huh?
Remember, take a napkin.
Remember, take a napkin?
Thank you so much, you know.
This line might be a little bit too long.
I'll get you something straight off the grill.
Oh, yes.
Hey, partner, what are we working with here?
Hey, we got sausages, brisket, ribbed, your choice.
Do you guys have any vegan options?
Oh, that's beyond impossible.
Great, we'll take either one of those.
What he means is, it's beyond impossible to find a vegan option at a Texas cookout.
Too bad.
Oh, I guess we'll just have a bun with some ketchup on it.
I can get that.
Great.
It's gluten-free, right?
Uh, sure.
Awesome.
Get me cheeky to eat all of this.
I can still hear him crying sometimes in the middle of the night.
I don't think I've worked alone.
We know he's maxed out.
Excuse me.
Sam Hantha, have you seen my husband?
He disappeared a little while ago, and I'm starting to get worried.
Oh, well, why, sweetie?
You think this is one of those get-out movie situations?
Of course not.
Is it?
Uh, you know, I think I saw the fellas going around that side of the house.
I'm sure Clay's just giving him a hard time.
Okay.
Who's y'all's favorite Batman?
This one came from nothing.
What have you done?
Maybe it's now what it looks like.
You're eating meat.
It was an accident.
It means nothing to me.
I just slept and the meat fell into my mouth.
You were praying.
I don't even know you anymore.
Baby!
Don't go.
Not yet.
You're gonna run after?
In a minute.
Does that real food himself?
No, man.
That's all right.
Now you're home.
It's so good, it's so good, it's so good.
Not gonna talk to me for the rest of the ride home.
Not when there's still barbecue sauce on your face.
You know what?
You're right.
I was wrong.
In fact, I don't even deserve to be in the car with you right now.
I'm just gonna get out right here and walk the whole rest of the way home.
Oh, you mean right here by this Whataburger?
What?
I didn't even see that Whataburger over there.
Seriously, let me out.
Hmm, that's good barbecue.
That was actually, yeah, I had some thoughts about the barbecue, but I'll save that for another time.
Not good.
So, where did you order the barbecue from?
I think Dan got it from.
I actually don't remember what the place is called.
Two different places.
But we did get the Texas.
Like, it was supposed to be a Texas barbecue, and we got the brisket and had sauce on it.
And I was like, wipe the sauce off, wipe it off, wipe it down.
Texans are gonna be a little bit more.
Although that is kind of a proto-hipster, like new, the new, the new, I was gonna say the new age, the new wave of pit masters that are strictly no sauce.
And there's actually only one restaurant in all of Texas that does not serve sauce.
But is it sauce on the side?
You dip the brisket into the sauce?
Are any places have it on top?
I'm a purist myself.
I just do salt and pepper and sometimes Lowry's.
We also did a video called Christianity Light.
Let's check that out right now.
Hey, you there.
You with the Bible.
Me?
Yeah, you.
Are you tired of all that God stuff?
Do you want Christianity to be easier, more exciting, and less demanding on your free time?
Boy, do I.
Then why don't you throw out that old lame Christianity classic and try the very new Christianity light?
Woo!
Wow!
This is totes bussing, yo.
Christianity Light uses all the same terms as Christianity Classic, but without all that unwanted salvation from your sins and wrath of God stuff.
Now you can be a Christian without everyone thinking you're a total square.
You know, I used to think you were a total square.
Turns out you're not like one of those Christians who follows the Bible, bro.
You're pretty cool.
All up in the club.
I'm drinking alcohol.
Alcohol.
Swear words.
I'm right.
Weed.
Brochures.
Ha ha.
You're like, where the... ALCOHOL!
Way!
And best of all, with Christianity Light, you don't even have to go to church.
Now I can have Christianity and my sin, too.
Thanks, Christianity Light.
I'm watching Game of Thrones, and I ain't watching it on Vidangel.
Christianity Light has been endorsed by Joel O'Steen, Rob Bell, Jen Hatmaker, Rachel Hollis, Oprah Winfrey, Richard Rohr, and Satan.
It's the only version of Christianity with none of the guilt and judgment, but with the same great spiritual feelings.
Side effects may include sharp increasing sin, a hole in your heart, you can't seem to fill, demon worship, earth worship, self-worship, diarrhea, trust in the Enneagram, drug you, supporting the murder of babies, deconstructing your faith, deconversion, posting to Black Square and IG, eventual atheism, agnosticism, anxiety, nihilism, judgment, buddhism, eternal suffering, severe injury, and second death.
Christianity Light is not responsible for those who suffer everlasting damnation.
Check with your pastor to see if Christianity Light is right for you.
Now you are prepped for our hate mail because all the hate mail this week is comments on Christianity Light.
So here's we had a pinned comment where we said, what sins are you most excited about committing under Christianity Light?
And Jesse Phillips said, or Jesse D. Phillips said, using the phrase, totes bussing.
Well, that's a sin.
And Daryl Lee responded to Jesse D. Phillips and said, pump the brakes.
Even Christianity Light has its limits there, buddy.
Oh, no, this isn't actually hate mail.
This is just funny comments.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Robert Coggan said, slouching.
Nope.
Oh, crap.
This is, I just have a short torso.
Wyatt said, clubbing baby seals, and Vernon said, listening to Nickelback.
And Samuel Carter said, ripping the tags off mattresses that are illegal to remove, or office chairs.
I was so afraid of that.
And drinking Pepsi.
Ayachi X2i.
All right, here's some hate mail.
This is a comment on our Twitter Chaz video where we have Twitter employees form their own autonomous zone within the Twitter offices.
James Stewart says, women can't be funny.
Comedy 101.
Of course, this is the first lesson you learn at comedy school.
Julia Savik said, the script is all right, but the acting energy is maybe 35%.
It's so boring.
From Blarnix, lowercase, you're not as funny as the onion, and you never will be.
No period.
I think the performances were great, and I think the highlight for me was Dan.
Of course.
When he says, of course, there's someone says spazz, and he says, Lizzo says you can't say that anymore.
And then he hides behind the thing.
And also, watching Brandon's vein actually gets another an Oscar for that performance.
I have your vein was popping out of your neck.
I have prominent veins.
I'm aware of this.
Yes.
I think my favorite part is Claire.
I was about to say watching this makes me miss Claire and Travis, who's still out of the office.
Yeah.
And I remember Adam being very fixated on the bean can.
So I was glad his bean performance finally got shown.
Right.
There were actually a lot of bean references in the podcast referencing Adam and beans, but no one really knew what it meant because that sketch had never been aired.
Oh, yeah, we didn't even mention it.
And we filmed this sketch.
Oh, months ago.
Months and months ago because the Elon deal was going through, and then the Elon deal got canceled like the day we were going to release it.
And so we just said, eh, well, it's dead.
And literally, like two days ago, I was like, I finally killed it.
And I was like, let's get rid of this.
It's never going to come out.
And then the next day, it was like Elon finalizing Twitter deal.
I'm like, put it out.
So that was awesome.
The Texas video was actually supposed to come out in like 30 minutes before it was about to go live.
We were like, this is going up insane.
So now we're going to go into our subscriber only portion.
We have more comments from the Christianity Live video.
We have a classic article of the week.
Well there.
We have subscriber headlines of the week.
And we're going to ask Emma the second set of 10 questions.
Well then.
You'll want to see that.
Subscribe now if you haven't already.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
We did go to a restaurant recently and under the food items, they had descriptions of the items and they were actually pretty funny.
And one of them was like lamb offal soup and it says tastes better than it sounds or something like that.
Oh, those four like those funny lamb or like lamb innards or lamb intestine.
And it says, just don't tell the kids what it is.
This has been another edition of the Be Weekly from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee, reminding you that fake news of the people, by the people,