THE BEE WEEKLY: Backhanding Blue Checks and Now You Can Be A Skittle
Candy can be trans now, Democrats are talking about backhanding women they disagree with, and pro-life conservatives tell a pro-abortion Oklahoma state legislator that his terms are acceptable. This week at The Babylon Bee, Kyle and Adam talk to Skillet's John Cooper about his new album, Dominion, which is lifting spirits and melting faces. This episode is brought to you by Alliance Defending Freedom Legal Fund: go to: http://ADFLegal.org/babylonbee This episode is also brought to you by Enduring Word Bible Commentary, which is completely free. Go to: http://enduringword.com Kyle and Adam talk about the banger and bomb articles of the week which involve a new M&M trans character and Uyghur Muslims being forced to make Golden State Warrior jerseys. Podcast viewers can enjoy the video about the first trans Skittle. Then, Adam gives you the news you need to know this week in Weakly News. The Bee also gets caught up on all the crazy things Blue Checks say like how women should be backhanded, it's now celebrated for a wife to renounce her husband's thought crimes, and USA Today wants us to better understand pedophilia for some reason. Also, Trey Gowdy doesn't understand how three times zero isn't three. Then it's time for The Celebrity Dating Game featuring AOC! Kyle and Adam then talk to John Cooper from Skillet about Dominion, honoring the Emperor, and what's causing crime to skyrocket in our cities. Of course, there is also hate mail. In the subscriber lounge, Gavin answers the ten questions and shows off his lightsaber collection with the news that we are one step closer to making lightsabers a reality. Subscribers also get the rest of the interview with Skillet's John Cooper!
Justice Stephen Breyer announced that he's retiring.
If you forget which Justice is Stephen Breyer, he's the one that you always forget about.
Oscar Meyer introduced a baloney skincare face mask.
What a bunch of salami.
A school in Michigan allegedly provided a litter box for furries.
The janitors are drawing straws to see who has to empty it.
Two Irishmen carried a dead guy to the post office to collect his pension.
They're calling it Weekend at O'Brien's.
We talked to John Cooper from Skillet, the world's most popular Christian band named after a piece of cookware.
All this and more on the B weekly.
Hey, everyone.
Babylon B podcast is here.
And me and Adam are here.
And we don't have a guest host this year.
We're going to be guest host today.
This is now awkwardly me and Adam talking to each other.
How are you?
Good.
How was your week?
Week was good.
Good.
Yeah.
I went to Utah on Monday.
Oh, nice.
I visited Angel Studios.
They gave me a...
Sweet.
I love Angel Studios.
They do Dry Bar Comedy.
Yeah.
Have you ever done Dry Bar?
I have.
I taped one in May.
Okay.
And it should come out sometime in the next couple months.
It's kind of going through the final edits now.
I saw all the pictures of the comedians on the walls.
Did you sign one of those?
Is that going to happen?
I did.
Mine's there somewhere.
It's there somewhere.
I was like taking pictures of it to see if I could see anyone I recognize like you or Kellen Erskine.
Kellen Erskin's there, yeah.
We've had a lot of drivers.
Erica Rhodes, I think.
Oh, there you go.
Yeah.
So I didn't see anyone I recognized, but at least you know that I knew personally.
But yeah, it was a lot of fun.
Cool to get away from.
Lots of Mormons.
Lots of Mormons.
We drank a lot of interesting sodas.
Because that's what they do.
We've had too many sodas.
I awkwardly asked, do you guys have coffee here?
Is that a thing?
And so they did have a coffee machine.
So maybe that'll get them in trouble with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
But actually, you know that article we wrote about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints this week?
Which is member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Wishes there were a shorter way to say member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
We wrote that because I was sitting down with them and they were talking about, you guys need to do more Mormon jokes.
And I was like, oh, we'll do one right now.
And we posted it right then while we were hanging out with them.
So they seem to enjoy that.
Nice.
We had a banger of the week this week.
Banger of the week.
Eminem's introduces new trans character who identifies as a Skittle.
Good old.
The good old standby man.
Good old identifies.
It works every time.
It's going to be a sad day when we post an identifies joke and it bombs.
But this was based on a real story where Eminem's characters are now becoming more inclusive.
Yeah.
Which is funny because it's just a very basic character redesign that all companies do with their character.
What have they actually changed?
Like when I read, it said that they were going to make the green Eminem less sexy.
And then, which I mean, I don't know.
I'm still attracted to her.
And then they said they were going to make the orange one embrace his anxiety.
But he's still anxious.
That's what I read in one of the articles.
Yeah.
Like, it's going to be like a, I don't know, the face of people with anxiety.
They said, I think they said with the brown one, that we're going to reduce her heel height to a more professional level.
That's one of those things I don't know if it's sexist or not.
Like if a woman was in the office and you were like, that's unprofessional, change those heels.
But this is just wonderful.
Everything about this is hilarious.
But the article is great and the sketch turned out really well too.
Oh yeah, we actually filmed the commercial of the trans Skittle.
You want to watch that?
Let's go to it.
Ever since I was mass-produced in a factory, people have been trying to put labels on me.
Nutrition labels, expiration dates, telling me I was biologically chocolate on the inside.
But deep down, I knew I wasn't who they said I was.
I was.
I am a Skittle.
Part of moving forward is accepting responsibility for your past.
The people at Mars Inc., they weren't bad people.
They were just ignorant.
They thought they knew what candy I was just because they knew my exact chemical composition, but we are not our biology.
We're holding ourselves accountable for the way in which accurate product descriptions cost hurt and pain to the trans candy community.
I just woke up one day and realized I am not defined by the chocolate center I was made with.
I am, and always was, a delicious grape Skittle.
And I'm proud of it.
So, Mars has committed to never again assigning an identity to the candy we produce.
Instead, we'll let each candy decide for himself or herself or Skittles self who they really are.
And whatever the candy says, we will falsify nutrition information to make it a reality.
Now, reality can truly be whatever we want.
And just free.
Free at last to be me, the real me.
We're even offering every peanut M ⁇ M a total nut removal, free of charge, because they're free to be themselves.
Nuts or no nuts.
Having completed my transition to living as a grape Skittle, I've been so grateful for the acceptance I've found here at Mars Incorporated.
Thanks for accepting a Skittle.
Like me.
Ah, every bit as funny.
Great.
They shot that so well.
I love the operation.
Do you wince a little bit when you watch that part?
Does that make you uncomfortable?
It's like just a very slow motion, like nut getting cracked.
I don't know.
No, I'm just thinking about that green MM.
Then we also have the bomb of the week.
We should all agree that parents have a fundamental right to direct the upbringing of their children.
But this right is under increasing attacks from public school indoctrination.
Many schools have enacted policies that allow minor students to change their name and pronouns at school without parental consent.
Our friends at Alliance Defending Freedom are challenging this indoctrination and threat to parental rights, but they can't do it alone.
They need your help.
Preserving parental rights protects the future of our children, and that is why it is vital that you join us in supporting ADF.
Just go to ADFlegal.org slash Babylon B and make a tax-deductible donation to ADF's Freedom Fund to ensure they have the resources necessary to continue their challenges in court all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary.
We've seen what happens when Americans stick together.
We can make a difference, and with your gift to ADF, we can help protect parental rights.
Join us.
Please go to adflegal.org slash Babylon B and make your donation today.
That's adflegal.org slash Babylon B. Bomb of the week.
Uyghurs burn Warriors jerseys in protest, but unfortunately have to start making new ones afterward.
I think it was pretty good.
See, I like that one a lot.
I think it's one of those where maybe the wording is a little target, but when you get what it's saying, I think it's a good pitch.
Yeah.
So billionaire investor in part, owner of the Golden State Warriors, and I'm going to butcher his name.
Chamath Paul Tia said that he doesn't care what's happening with the Uyghurs and that nobody else really cares.
Did you watch the clip?
It's crazy.
He's just like arguing with them on a podcast quote because no one, he goes, nobody cares about them.
I was wondering if he was just trying to say like people should care but don't.
No, if you, because that's what I was confused when I read the headline, but if you actually watch the clip, he's saying like people just don't care.
His argument then that he goes on to is that people should care more about like problems here than before we sort of worry about issues in China and that and the like, but it came across very heartless.
He said, every time I say that I care about the Uyghurs, I'm really just lying if I don't really care.
So I'd rather not lie to you and tell you the truth.
It's not a priority for me.
Not backing down, at least.
I do like, you know, it sucks that I disagree with him.
It's like he's the one who's not apologizing.
Like whenever we say, like, oh, don't apologize.
He's the one who's like, I'm going to take a stand on not caring about the Uyghurs dying.
You just wish it was something a little that you approved of taking a stand on a little yeah exactly.
All right, let's do some weekly news with Adam Jenser.
It's time for the weekly news with Adam Jenser.
This week we lost another comedy legend.
Louie Anderson died at the age of 68, far outliving his life expectancy.
Of every time I've seen a picture of him, And on Thursday, at a Dallas hospital, Meatloaf passed away.
His remains were sent home in a doggy bag.
Louis Anderson and Meatloaf are now both in heaven, which is starting to sag under their combined weight.
Russia has been moving more troops to the Ukrainian border in preparation for a possible invasion.
Soviet Russia will then rename Ukraine Crane U. Every time you get mad at when I pitch in the slack, I'm always going to do it here Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced that she will run for re-election again this year, although she's expected to face a tough challenge from her opponent Father Time.
Grim Reaper, yeah.
Due to government censorship issues, a Chinese streaming service altered the ending to the film Fight Club without getting the studio's permission.
In response, the U.S. has sent them copies of the Star Wars sequels.
Valuable service they could provide.
Yes, they're eager to see how they change them.
Your communist ending is still better than what the studios did.
A school in Michigan is denying rumors that they place giant litter boxes in the bathrooms for students who identify as furries.
They've also discouraged the students from coming to school as furries by shaking a can of pennies and spraying them with a water bottle.
I need to stop taking a drink before each of these.
They're not that funny.
The Supreme Court announced that they will reconsider whether race-based affirmative action can be used in college admissions.
And in lieu of Justice Breyer's retirement, Joe Biden has announced that he will use race-based affirmative action to fill the Supreme Court.
19-year-old Zahra Rutherford became the youngest woman to fly solo around the world.
Here's Joe Biden congratulating her.
Be him sniffing a woman.
Like the ones you have to describe.
Yeah.
I hope I can find a picture of that somewhere on the internet.
Just in time for the Olympics, China has brought back its anal swab COVID test.
Can I make a joke about how the male figure skaters will enjoy this?
Oh, is this the joke you asked me?
You just did, so I guess so.
And I have no other punchline.
Peter Dinklage called out Disney for trying to make their new Snow White movie woke by casting a Latina actress, but still including stereotypical dwarf characters.
In other words, he's being grumpy.
I found it odd that his name is Peter Dinklage because that sounds like a mean name you'd make up to insult a little person.
Here comes Peter Dinklage.
What's the matter with you?
Don't call him that.
That's messed up.
What's his real name?
Willie Teeny Pickles or something.
It's always weird that, like, I know you're not supposed to call them midgets, but that sounds like a more legitimate term.
Like, little person sounds more insulting.
Like, oh, look, it's a little person.
Two men in Ireland propped up a dead man's body between them and took him to a post office to try to collect his pension money.
It's the same way Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi are trying to run America.
Oscar Meyer introduced a baloney skincare mask, which quickly sold out on Amazon.
In other news, Chris Christie's skin has been looking fabulous lately.
Strip clubs in Washington, D.C. are being warned that their employees, including nude strippers, have to wear face masks.
In fact, Matt Gates and Hunter Biden have kindly volunteered to go to the strip clubs and warn the strippers in person.
Such nice guys.
SNL stars Colin Jost and Pete Davidson purchased a Staten Island ferry boat that they plan to turn into a comedy club, which will mark Pete Davidson's first foray into comedy.
Good luck with that.
The boat purchase also explains why Pete Davidson has recently been seen with two enormous new flotation devices.
I don't get that one.
Let's see the picture.
Oh, I'll see the picture.
76-year-old WWE founder Vince McMahon revealed that he still gets up to work out every morning at 3 a.m., a full 30 minutes earlier than most people his age get up to go for breakfast.
And also, keep in mind, those WWE workouts are completely fake.
A man in Minnesota was arrested for killing his roommates' emotional support ferrets because their cage smelled bad.
He's now in a cage that smells like his cellmate T-Bone.
That's it for the news.
Not a single Catholic joke this week.
All right, well, it's been a while since we've done this.
We're going to do real things blue checks say the craziest things that people have said on the internet this week.
Lots of people want to understand the Bible better.
A great place to start is the Enduring Word Bible commentary.
For more than 25 years, it has helped millions to understand and apply the Bible.
It's clear and simple enough for everyday Christians, and yet tens of thousands of pastors and teachers also use it.
Find the Enduring Word Bible commentary by David Guzick at enduringword.com.
And it's completely free.
No costs, no registration, no paid ads that you have to wait for.
Find all this and more at enduringword.com.
That's enduringword.com.
Real things that blue checks say.
The first one's from Robert Reich, which sounds like a Nazi name, but what is he?
He's like a, what was he?
Who did he serve under?
Was it Clinton?
Yeah, something like that.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Tonight, Republican senators lined up to shake Kristen Sinema's hand.
Democratic senators should have given her the backs of their hands.
I love just Democrats, like these women that don't fall online.
We should slap them.
And they always criticize Republicans.
Like, if you mention the word target, they'll be like, oh, they're talking about shooting people.
They're always trying to interpret everything as violently as possible.
And then he's like, they should give women the back of their hands.
He tried to issue a clarification.
Like, well, this is a common phrase meaning turn the slap a woman in the face.
It's a common phrase.
That means to hit somebody.
This one is from Cheryl Hines, Larry David's wife.
My husband's reference to, or no, Larry David's wife on the show.
I assume someone wrote that as a joke.
Yeah.
Cheryl Hines, my husband's reference to Anne Frank at a mandate rally in D.C. was reprehensible and insensitive.
The atrocities that millions endured during the Holocaust should never be compared to anyone or anything.
His opinions are not a reflection of my own.
Where have we gotten to as a society in this whole cancel culture thing where you like disavow your spouse on Twitter?
Yeah.
Where you're like afraid that you're going to get canceled because something your spouse said.
I wonder if they had a conversation about this beforehand or if he found out that she was disavowing.
Her husband's RFKG.
RFKG, yeah.
So this Democratic state representative thought he would own the right by making men stay with their baby mamas, but the Republicans actually liked this idea.
So Forrest Bennett said, this week I filed HB 3129, which codifies that a father's financial responsibility to his baby and their mom begins at conception.
Okay, we're on board.
So far it sounds great.
If Oklahoma is going to restrict a woman's right to choose, we better make sure the man involved can't just walk away from his responsibility.
Yep, another great idea.
Sounds good.
What is the meme, Dan, that we always do with this one?
Your terms.
Your terms are acceptable.
This is like when that Texas bill passed and then they were like, who was it?
Some big leftist celebrity was like, women should start remaining abstinent or something.
Yeah, I think it was Alyssa Milano who did the abstinence strike.
That's wonderful.
Yeah.
This one is from the Gospel Coalition.
Should I know who the Gospel Coalition is?
You're a Lutheran, so probably.
I don't know if that was an insult or not.
Not really.
It's just like.
I just don't see how the ministry of the church is strengthened by showcasing bad examples of preaching on social media.
This one is kind of interesting in that like they're talking about like these accounts like woke preacher clips or they'll make fun of bad woke preaching or like the segment we did.
Or the segment we did where he made fun of these like bizarre sermon things.
And we just thought it was kind of funny that this account is going like, we shouldn't point out really bad preaching in the church.
Just sweep it under the rug.
Let's hide it.
Just give those preachers the back of our hands.
Kathy Griffin wants a woman of color to be on the Supreme Court because that means she will have all the correct opinions.
Here's what she said.
Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer just announced his retirement.
Can we please get a female WOC who is the same age as Amy Coney Barrett?
Thanks.
And then Hector Osagera Esquire says Joe Biden should replace Stephen Breyer with four justices.
They're still pushing that court package thing.
I like that Kathy Griffin is still trying to get involved in politics.
It hasn't gone well.
Brian Stelter has different standards for presidential decency depending on who is president.
Brian Stelter, this is from 2018.
It's still true.
Biden was wrong to call Doocy an SOB.
The press is right to hold presidents to high standards.
Biden doesn't berate the media like Trump.
So the context for today is different, but it's still out of line.
And then in 2018, Brian Stelter said, it was wrong when Trump was just a candidate, and it's even worse now that he's president.
Yeah, Brian Stelter shared a post from 2018 where he criticized Trump for calling a journalist an SOB.
And then he reshared it and he says, this is still true.
Biden was wrong.
Trump was wrong.
So he's kind of trying to sound consistent.
And then he's saying that.
But Biden doesn't quite berate the media like Trump did.
So the context is quite different.
Good old potato.
USA Today wants us to understand pedophiles better.
They tweeted, we think we know what a pedophile is.
There's a lot that we're misunderstanding.
I don't think there's a lot to misunderstand.
And then the headline says, what the public keeps getting wrong about pedophilia.
This is from Gene Wu.
This is about meatloaf dying.
We mourn Mr. Loaf's passing.
In the end, he finally let us know what that one thing was that he wouldn't do for love, get vaccinated.
Now, I was annoyed with this one because that's not even the best wording of this joke.
It's supposed to say, I would do anything for love, but I won't get vaxed.
Instead of this clunky, he finally let us know what that one thing was that he wouldn't do for love, get vaccinated.
Oh, man.
Yeah.
Yeah, the joke's real screwed up there.
This is the same guy who was taking a picture of his salad when the Texas Democrats went on strike and flew to Washington.
And he's like, I am day one of me being a fugitive.
This is my meal.
And he's a picture of his salad, and everybody was mocking him.
What is DCCC, the Democratic Coalition for Something?
So this is the Democrats.
Republicans have no business interfering in your private medical decisions.
Period.
But probably not for vaccinations.
I would guess that doesn't apply there.
This is from Stakeham, the Stakeham's food account.
Beef unto others as you would have them beef unto you.
I mean, I like that one.
Have you followed the Stakeum, like all the philosophical things that they tweet?
No, I barely know how to read these tweets I'm looking at.
Never go on.
I don't like Twitter.
I don't use it much.
It's kind of the worst.
So Stakeham has this history of tweeting very strange things that are deeply philosophical.
So here's one.
You can maintain independent critical thinking toward institutions without dipping into fringe conspiracies that get jump-started by individual anecdotes being virally spread as data.
It's not easy, but it's necessary to keep any semblance of responsible online information flow.
Like the Stakeham account.
That's amazing.
Just like tweets all this bizarre.
But I like that.
That one didn't have any beef puns in it.
Yeah, I don't know why.
Yeah, that's kind of a weak one from Stakeham.
Very sad.
And then this last one is one that I saw, and I can't believe this wasn't like this clip, my jaw dropped when I was watching it.
It was Trey Gowdy on Fox News earlier this week talking about why he doesn't believe in math.
I haven't seen this, so I'm very excited.
Let's check it out.
Question from Elvia in Texas, who writes, How did you graduate from college without taking a math class?
Elvia, with lots of hard work and ingenuity.
That's how.
I've never been good at math.
I took trigon trigonometry in high school and made a gentleman's D.
I never understood why I should multiply or divide fractions.
Why don't we just wait until those fractions grow up and become whole numbers?
I sort of gave up on math when someone told me three times zero is zero.
I've never understood that.
I have three of something.
I'm not doing anything to it except multiplying it by nothing.
So how does that three all of a sudden disappear?
It can't disappear.
This is math, not a magic class.
No one could ever tell me where that three went.
I actually took this one math class in high school, and the teacher get this.
The teacher put letters like X and Y in the math equation.
And letters and numbers should never ever be mixed.
So I petitioned the dean at Baylor, and after talking with me for a little while, he actually agreed I probably could not pass a math class.
So he made me an offer.
I had to take two logic classes in the philosophy department in lieu of basic entry-level math.
So off I went to the philosophy department, took my two logic courses, had the time of my life, and left even more convinced than ever that three times zero cannot possibly be zero.
If you have a question you'd like to share, please send us a video or message online.
I have questions.com.
It's crazy because I think he's trying to be funny at the beginning when he was talking about like trigonometry and like he's trying to make it kind of funny.
Yeah.
But I think he's genuinely convinced that three times zero can't be zero.
I like that they had a stock image prepped for that too.
Yes, to show the equation.
And that all of his producers went along with this.
This is a good idea.
You should say this on national television.
Everyone will be on your side that three times zero can't possibly be zero.
I want footage of him in his math classes at high school, in high school and elementary school now.
Yeah.
And the teacher's like, three times zero is zero.
He's like, where does it go?
Where does it go?
And also like, I know it's not math, but it's weird that he took a logic class and still it convinced him more that three times you think that would have explained it.
It makes sense to me.
does it make sense to you three yeah because he's it's no time his His example, in the mathematical sense, is one times three, because he's saying if you have three of something.
So that's one times three.
His premise is wrong.
He's saying, but either way it works.
If you say you have zero times three or something, you have zero.
You still have zero.
If you have a three, nothing, it's still nothing.
But he doesn't, he can't wrap his head around that.
Yeah, it struck me like they were trying to be fun.
So much so that he wouldn't take math and argued with the dean to get out of it.
It definitely struck me like they were trying to be funny in this segment.
Yeah.
But it kind of like came through that he obviously I think he's trying to be funny about it, but he's clearly convinced that that's a real thought.
This is like a new Fox strategy.
Didn't they do that thing about the show you?
Yeah, but I hated that thing.
But it was like obviously a bid.
Yes.
But it's not obvious 100%.
Like people thought it wasn't a bid.
Yeah, some people thought it was either real.
Yeah, some people thought like they really like were arguing over the show you, but I don't know.
I didn't find that one very fun.
This one I find pretty funny, but not, I don't find his jokes funny.
I find it funny that he doesn't believe three times zero equals zero.
I think it's like a new Fox strategy to get these little clips to go viral and get people to share them and stuff.
We'll help him out.
We'll help them out, I guess.
Yeah.
Well, that's wonderful.
That was the best thing that Blue Check said this week.
Let's check out.
We have a new sketch this week.
Yeah, here's something else that should go viral.
Hate me date me featuring Alexandria Casio-Cortez.
Yeah.
Let's check it out.
Welcome to Hate Me Date Me, the show where three contestants have the chance to win a dream date with everyone's favorite bartending congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, whether they want to date her or not.
AOC, what would you like to ask your first suitor?
Bachelor number one, where would you take me on our first date?
I'm not a bachelor.
I'm a Republican senator, and I don't want to date you.
I'm married.
But I do have some serious issues with economic policy.
So I would probably take you to the nearest econ 101 class and teach you a few things about economics.
You want to take me back to school?
Settle down, Senator.
Come on out a bit too strong.
You like me so much.
I assure you, I do not.
I'm honestly not even sure why I am here.
I thought this was going to be a debate.
Ooh, you want to kiss me so bad.
Bachelor number two.
If I were a sandwich, what kind of toppings would you put on me?
If your socialist policies passed, we wouldn't even have bread to make sandwiches.
As the editor for the conservative National American blog, I disagree with almost everything you've ever said.
You're an idiot.
You didn't know what a garbage disposal was.
You're a Marxist.
My family actually came from a socialist dictatorship.
I'd love to have you sit down and hear from my father what it was like to grow up.
You already want me to meet your parents?
Bachelor number two?
I'm blushing.
Maybe you can meet me at Buena in Puerto Rico if her house doesn't fall down on her purse.
That's not what I'm saying.
Yes, it is.
You're saying you have a crush on me and you want to have a million of my babies.
Bachelor number three, what's your favorite thing about me?
Hi, Alexandria.
Or AOC.
I honestly don't know what to call you.
But I'm just super nervous.
But so I really love your hair and the way your eyes just get really wide whenever you talk.
I mean, it's so hard to pick one thing.
Your smile is so beautiful too.
Ew, stop cat calling me, you creep.
I don't need you degrading me with your toxic masculinity.
Pervert.
No, no, no, no.
I'm so sorry.
I just think you're like really pretty and smart and I really like you.
Stop sexually harassing me.
I'm not an object.
Okay, we are almost out of time.
So let's get to our bachelorette's final question.
Bachelor number two, so why do you want to date me so badly?
I definitely do not want to date you.
Right.
That's why you troll me on Twitter and write three-page articles debunking every statement I make.
You're totally in love with me.
You can't believe how hot I am.
Bachelor number one, why do you want to date me so badly?
I told you, I am a married Republican senator.
I don't want to date any other woman besides my wife, my mistress, and my side piece.
Well, you can't date me no matter how bad you want to, because I already have a boyfriend and he's super handsome and has a weird feature.
If you already have a boyfriend, why are any of us here?
What is this show?
Why are you hiding her as a silhouette?
We already know who she is.
None of this makes any sense.
All right, that's enough out of you, Bachelor number one.
Bachelor number three, why do you want to date me?
Because I'm single and I like you a lot.
Even though you have a boyfriend, I think if you just gave me a chance, you actually find that we have a lot in common and I would treat you like the queen that you are.
Ah, hashtag me too.
You're making me really uncomfortable.
I'm scared for my life right now.
Like during the deadly fatal lethal insurrection terrorist attack.
That sound means it's time for our bachelorette to make her final decision.
Alexandria, which lucky fellow will get to go on a date with you?
Well, Bachelor 2 is clearly crazy about me.
Clearly not.
Which is why I think Bachelor number one is a much better choice, even though he's a little too into me.
I am not interested.
Yeah, right.
Alexandria, as host, I think he might be telling the truth.
You may be wrong about what these men think of you.
Ooh, you think I'm wrong?
Now you totally want to date me.
I knew you couldn't host this show without falling for me.
You all want me.
That's it for this week's episode of Hate Me, Date Me.
But tune in next week when AOC has to give a rose to Alex Jones, Tucker Carlson, or Ben Shapiro.
Well, thank goodness that's over.
I'm late for dinner with my side piece.
Oh, that AOC.
So stupid.
Oh my gosh.
Always thinking people who hate her love her.
She's so hot, stupid.
Whoa.
Christian band Skillet has a new album out called Dominion.
And we got John Cooper back on the podcast for the second time to talk about it.
Do you like Skillet?
Are you a huge Skillet?
I heard about Skillet a few weeks before this interview when I was Googling Christian lyrics.
But he was awesome to talk to.
He's a really cool guy.
He's done a lot.
It was fun.
It was engaging.
I think I would like their music because he said it's like, he said they've toured with like corn, I think, if you're like that kind of music.
So I might like it.
All right, here we go.
Let's talk to John Cooper, the artist from Skillet, whose music Adam might like.
Yes.
If you ever listen to it.
Ringing endorsement.
And now for another interview on the Bee Weekly.
Not a rock and roll singer.
I didn't commit.
Sorry.
I didn't commit.
I could do it if I only tried, John.
You could, honestly.
You can be anything you want to be.
So is this Dominionism?
Is this about Dominion theology?
Is that what you're promoting here?
You know what?
I only actually heard of Dominionism recently because I was doing an interview and it came up and somebody had said something about it.
And I had to, it was actually my friend Elisa Childers.
So I texted her later.
I was like, I don't know what Dominionism is.
And now you're admitting it.
Yes.
I read a lot, but I hadn't read about that.
But anyway, you know, the record is called Dominion.
And I sure hope people love it, man.
It really is an exciting record to listen to if I can promote my own album.
It's just like this record makes me want to go to the gym.
I always think that's the standard for, it's true.
It's the standard for a good, a good rock album.
Can I go to the gym?
Will it make me angry enough to work out, you know, to actually finish the workout?
And I think this record does that.
So the title Dominion does come from the book of Daniel.
His dominion shall be an everlasting dominion.
But for me, it's a celebration of freedom.
And I kind of dedicate on the liner notes, you know, sometimes sometimes young people don't know.
There used to be a thing called liner notes.
It was on a CD.
You'd open it up.
I thought you were going to say young people don't know.
There used to be a thing called freedom.
That too.
Yes.
Yes.
And young people, even if they do know what freedom is, there used to be people who liked freedom.
Anyway, yeah, that's pretty clever.
Which is kind of what you guys do.
Anyway, but on the liner notes, we did dedicate the record to freedom.
We dedicated it to liberty.
People that put their lives on the line, gave up their lives for us, and people who still do that today.
And I think that's now, unfortunately, becoming broader than only people that serve in the military, which it is a nod to people in the military for sure, past and present.
But also, that's all of us.
I think that now we're living in a time that if you really want to be passionate about individual rights, if you want to be passionate about freedom of religion, freedom of speech, it kind of seems like you're putting your livelihood on the line sometimes.
You're putting yourself out there in a way that it just wasn't like this five years ago.
Everything's changing very quickly.
So Dominion is all about that celebration of freedom.
It is not about Dominionism, I have learned in the last three weeks.
Yeah.
So this album will help you get ripped.
It will help you lose weight.
Have these statements been evaluated by the FDA?
Yeah.
Does it really matter anymore?
I guess we don't.
Yes.
It doesn't matter with the FDA or the CDC or the WHO.
Nobody believes it anymore anyway.
So it wouldn't matter.
But it's been approved by me.
And I basically am.
Let's see.
I basically am as I have as much credibility as the FDA does now.
Let's just say that.
I don't have something to brag about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's going to be on one of these gossip rock sites.
Oh, yeah, immediately.
You know, get over it, get over it.
Yeah, could you just say something really controversial, please?
Yeah, I think I just did.
I'm trying to think of what I can't think of anything offhand.
That's your guys job.
Yeah, we have to do it.
We'll get to something eventually.
Well, you've got this single, Surviving the Game.
It says it's going to be on the upcoming rock band game.
Can you play it on rock band?
Are you good at rock band?
Actually, no, I'm not very good at rock band.
It's actually quite hard.
It's not that it's hard.
It's different.
It's a different skill set.
But I'm just thrilled there is a rock band because guitars are becoming popular again.
And I don't want to say that that is one of the signs in Revelation, but it might be.
I'm so happy that guitars are coming back in.
So, yeah, it's a great look for us.
Surviving the game's a ripper, too.
It's a face melter.
So I hope that people, you know, because I had a great guitar riff that I cannot play on that video game.
That would be awesome to see the band try to play their own thing on rock band.
Rock band's so much fun, but it and guitar era.
But the thing that's so weird about them is you put so much effort into getting good at that, and then you still can't actually play the song on guitar.
It's like you might as well take guitar lessons.
Still can't do anything in real life.
That's probably a little peek into the world we live in currently.
Everybody can go online and yell at each other about stuff.
But when it comes to actual real life, most of the people doing most of the yelling don't know how to live real life anyway.
That's what I found.
That's what I found out.
So last time we talked to you, we were talking about all the CCM artists who are deconstructing their faith.
And they get all these headlines in mainstream press for leaving Christianity.
So we just want to check up on your soul.
Are you still saved?
Do you want to come out and deconstruct on this episode?
I am still saved.
I do not want to deconstruct.
And by the way, I liked you guys' post you did about me a couple months ago about me not de well.
I can't remember what it was.
Yeah, it was something like that.
It's like the shocking, this artist has not abandoned his faith yet.
Something like that.
Yeah.
Exactly what it was.
I mean, yeah, you know, the media loves it.
They love it when they see somebody from the Christian world finally turn their back on the faith, you know, and they get kind of quite giddy about it.
And I think it's a really sad state of affairs because I think that deconstruction, let's just say deconstruction, not specifically about Christianity.
Let's just say deconstruction about whatever, right?
That could be deconstruction of American values or even political philosophy, whatever.
It really is so destabilizing in our culture, but people love it.
They just love to see people like leave something and burn it down.
And I think that really speaks a lot about the chaos that we're in and that our kids are growing up in.
They're growing up in a culture that enjoys the negativity, that enjoys the destruction, that enjoys the chaos of nothing ever being rooted on firm ground.
And it's really saddening.
And at the same time, those suicide rates are skyrocketing amongst the young people and depression rates and anxiety, divorce, all this stuff is skyrocketing.
But we keep doing the same things over and over and it keeps getting worse.
So, you know, that's why I'm kind of so passionate about telling people about the truth of Jesus Christ that never, ever changes.
It is solid ground.
And don't you want a little bit of peace?
I mean, a little bit of peace in 2022 would be pretty nice.
But, you know, our culture just seems to prefer the destruction.
I find that really sad.
And it is true.
The media definitely loves when that happens because even as you're saying, I'm thinking about it.
Like when I look at like a CNN or like a mainstream like news website, they'll only report on like a Christian artist or author when they leave the fake.
It's like they would never do a story about this person.
They've never been featured on their website ever before.
And it's like, oh, hey, look, this person's not Christian anymore.
Now we'll give them some attention.
It's so lame, isn't it?
It makes me so.
I've even done interviews.
In fact, I'll do it again right here on the Babylon B. I've done interviews when I have specifically asked. some of these gossip sites, you know, that they only cover the things when they want to try to like catch me in something that makes me sound crazy, burn me down for something, and they'll try to get me in trouble.
I've even said, please report me saying this because they don't want to report any good news.
You know, like I'll brag about other bands.
I'll brag about bands that have treated us good or did something nice for a fan when they didn't have to, you know, they never want to record that because they don't want to record any good news.
They don't want to record anything in anything positive.
We truly are just a culture that just loves destruction.
So anyway, I hope that when people listen to the new record, they are going to hear whether you're religious or not religious, it doesn't matter.
You're going to hear this very positive message that you can relate to, whether you're left, right, center, religious, not religious, anti-religious.
It's a positive message about taking your life back and not giving in to like these negativity and this destruction and these dark forces.
And I really hope that it, it's going to sound cheesy and trite, but I hope that it encourages people and makes people's day better because my gosh, everything you see on the news and social media is just people freaking out and losing their minds every minute.
It's sad.
So you want to lift their spirits while you melt their faces off.
That's exactly right.
Now, that should be my tweet for the day.
I want to lift their spirits while melting their faces off.
I was thinking a little tagline for Skillet, maybe.
Like, if you want to use that, I'll just lifting spirits, melting faces.
Yes.
You're the wordsmith, man.
That's it.
That sounds pretty good.
So concerts are kind of starting back up again.
I know they have been for a little while.
I was looking at a few bands that are going to play in my area and they all require vaccine cards and or negative tests within a certain amount of time.
And I'm like, that's not very punk rock.
And so I'm just like, man, I can't go to any of these shows.
I got to like drive to Arizona to go to a concert now.
It kind of sucks.
So I guess you have this stance about not playing venues that require vacc cards.
Is that crazy?
Can you even pull off a tour like that?
Are you finding any pockets of places where you're able to do that?
Yeah, I am.
You know, again, it's one of these things that like sometimes I can't believe the things that hurt that I say that hurt my career.
Because I'm just like, five years ago.
No, no, no.
Let's know.
Two years ago, literally at the beginning of this pandemic, even when President Biden became president, he was saying we're not going to be doing mandates.
That's not what America is all about.
If I remember correctly, I think Dr. Fauci said that as well.
Of course, he said everything ever, so it doesn't matter.
But the point is, I mean, one year ago, it wouldn't have been controversial for me to say, we're not playing shows that have vaccine mandates because I believe it's authoritarian.
It's tyrannical.
It's anti-American.
That's my little stand.
If it costs me, it costs me.
And man, the market lost their poop.
And I'm just like, how come there aren't, how come there aren't rock bands, that many rock bands standing up against this?
But instead, it really turned on me, which is a shocker to me.
So it's almost like to me, that wasn't a political stance.
And I think that part of it is how, you know, how we've kind of, we've kind of not understood that all politics is religion.
I mean, everything that you believe about some political opinion, it comes from some sort of core belief.
And so all of a sudden, people are like, John, you're being political.
I'm like, that is not political.
That is a conviction.
I think it's wrong.
I think we have to fight this, or you don't know what the government may do after that.
If they can force you to do this, then they can force you to do something else.
And we have a lot of history to look back on upon that, about tyrannical government.
So all that to say, yes, we are in tour right now.
It does seem like the states that we're able to play in, they are red states.
That's just the way it goes.
The Southeast, Florida, and Alabama, and Georgia, Tennessee, South Carolina, places like that, Ohio.
But I can't wait until everything goes back to normal because people need music.
You know, people help, music helps people.
It's therapeutic.
It gets people through a bad day.
And little by little, I think that we're getting into that place where there's some hope of playing concerts.
But we are playing concerts now, supporting the new record.
And it's just good to see people having a good time again.
How do you handle all the Bible verses that talk about like submitting to governing authorities, honoring the emperor?
That's kind of been something that a lot of Christians have been struggling with through this pandemic.
Oh, wow.
You're going deep on me.
You're going deep on me.
I'm challenging you.
I'm calling you out.
All I have to say about that is this: melting faces.
What was the first?
It's lifting spirits experience.
Melting faces.
Lifting spirits sounds so good.
Lifting spirits.
Melting faces.
You know, it's like, anyway, yeah, you know, I do think that this, the last two years has really brought that argument back to the fold.
It's really something that we haven't had to argue about, I think, in Christianity in America in kind of a long time.
Maybe even, you know, the Puritan and pietism stuff.
How I handle that is basically this.
I've got a lot of love, a lot of love for Christians that disagree with me on this.
I don't call them not brothers in Christ.
I don't want to burn them down.
I don't make fun of them, but I do disagree with them.
I believe that that aspect of submitting to the government authorities at all costs, no matter what, I would say that that's, I see it different.
I see, I believe in sphere sovereignty.
That's the short answer.
I believe in the sphere of sovereignty model, that God has given government the authority to do certain things, but not to do certain other things.
But I will say this.
I think that we have to know in this situation, we have to count the cost.
Is the government trying to make me do something that I'm willing to go to jail for if I say no?
And I would say, not everything I'm willing to go to jail for.
Do you know what I'm trying to say?
So if they come and say, you must do A, B, or C, and if it's absolutely against my faith, would I go to jail for that?
I think it's an issue of counting the cost when it comes to like that sort of government evil.
So that's basically the short version of how I would handle that.
And I do think that the church has a job to do to help, I think, I would say prophetically teach the government what is righteous and what is not righteous.
And that ends up being kind of one of my major issues with the pietism in Christianity is I think we should be involved.
I think that we have the word of God, which gives us the basis for what is wicked and what is righteous.
And we should be informing.
I don't believe, of course, the church should step into the role of the state.
I do not believe that.
That's idolatrous as well.
Just like the state stepping into the church is idolatrous.
But I do think we should be a prophetic voice to them about what is righteous and what is not.
So that's where I stand on that.
What if the government told you you could only play folk music?
Would that be worth going to jail for?
That would probably not be.
It might be.
It might.
I'm trying to think.
What about bro country?
Bro country.
Yes.
Yeah.
That's where you draw the line.
I don't know.
I'm not really sure.
I don't mind.
I guess I don't mind bro country.
Here's what I don't want to do.
Here's what I wouldn't do is play rock songs on acoustic.
You see, I would rather play folk music than to do like acoustic versions of rock songs.
That feels that's anathema.
So there's not going to be a skillet unplugged album.
Yeah, that's what I'm wondering.
Everybody always wants this to, and I always try my hardest to not do it because it just doesn't sound right.
And then people really hear how rough my voice really is.
My voice needs a lot of distortion on the guitars so that you cannot hear what's really happening behind that person.
It's true.
I don't mind admitting it, man.
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That's enduringword.com.
So you have this Cooper stuff podcast, and you recently talked about Omicron and the crime-a-thon.
What are the world?
Yeah, so what do you think is at work that's leading this like massive crime wave that we seem to be living in right now?
It's popping up in, you know, around the country, but especially in big cities.
Yeah, I'm having a hard time remembering the podcast, but I can't answer the question because I talk so much just as my wife.
We know more about him than he does.
He did our research.
But whatever you're going to say, it's right.
You have more credibility than the FDA and any other government agency.
So what is causing this crime wave?
According to expert John Cooper.
So when people submit to the governing authorities, they're really submitting to me.
It's basically, I think that's what you just said.
I'm lifting the spirits and milk.
You know, I mean, I think undoubtedly, I mean, again, some Christians say, why are you getting so political?
It's not a political statement.
It is a philosophical statement.
I would say it's a theological statement.
Really, what's causing it is just humanism.
I mean, it's just as simple as that.
It is a fact that the prevailing worldview of America has shifted so far from Western civilization's worldview, which, as we all know, is built on really the Reformation and Christianity.
It's moved so far from that that really people actually do believe that we are born good, that we kind of, or that we're at the least, that we're a blank slate, if you will.
We can do good things and we can do bad things.
And our biggest issue is that we suffer trauma when we're young and this, that, and the other.
And that's the only reason we do bad stuff.
The only reason somebody goes and steals is because they need to have a psychologist speak with them about why they're doing this and what their mom did to them when they were young that caused this great misfortune.
It's really just a denial of human nature, you know.
And I know that you guys would agree with that, I'm sure.
It's just a denial of original sin that we are not born good.
We are born into wickedness, and we all think of brand new ways to do wicked stuff.
And that's why Jesus came and died for us, right?
So, so that we could have a brand new heart, be given a brand new heart through repentance through Jesus Christ.
So, I look at this stuff that's happening, and it's remarkable to me.
I think what's really frustrating is that if you are a progressive, you can try all these new things out of love for man.
You know, like I love people, so we're going to get rid of bail, you know, just let people out of jail.
You can try these things, and even when those policies bring more death and destruction, like they are now, even though more people get hurt, and disproportionately, it is marginalized people of color and yada yada, it hurts those people even more.
Even after the policies hurt, the people that instituted them never get called out for it.
It's always going to be us, Christians or conservatives, or whatever.
It's always going to be us that hate people, even though what we're saying is your policies are going to hurt people.
And that's what I think is so frustrating.
That's why I don't think it's a political statement.
This is it, but this comes down to core beliefs in either the goodness or the wickedness, uh, inherent wickedness, I would say, of mankind.
It's really sad to see that happening, but that's the way it is.
All right, well, we're going to move into our subscriber portion, uh, where we're going to talk about some more cool stuff, and then we're going to ask you the 10 questions, the second set of 10 questions, because you already answered the first set of 10 questions last time.
Oh, yeah.
Well, for everybody that's leaving the podcast, now I love you.
I wouldn't mind saying this very quickly to all those people.
I got to brag on the Babylon B because I tell you what you guys do for people.
I'm sure you know this.
It just when I open up my phone and I see a Babylon B post, it just makes me feel not crazy.
And I know that sounds maybe dumb, but I know everybody watching this knows exactly what I mean.
You're like, I knew I wasn't the insane person, and it's a way to laugh about something so that you don't.
In other words, laughing about something is therapeutic, it doesn't make you angry.
Then you can begin to laugh at the situation, and it helps you get through it in a way that just being rapidly angry at something doesn't really help.
So, I want to brag on you guys.
I think absolutely the funniest thing happening in America, and I think it's bringing some sanity to a lot of people.
So, my bragging portion is done.
Everybody, go listen to Dominion now.
I was going to say, you used the whole time to plug us.
Yes, you promoted us, and then but then you did add well.
Uh, you know, um, I'm a rock star, I can do whatever I want.
And they should also check out we have here that you uh, you have a book that you wrote called Awaken Alive to Truth.
Is that right?
Yeah, yeah, you can get that.
They should check that out as well.
Yeah, you can get on my website, johnlcooper.com.
I think it's available on Amazon as well as on Audible if you're the kind of person that wants to listen to the book.
So, go check that out, but make sure you listen to the new record Dominion and tell somebody about it.
That's whole work.
Awesome.
Listen to the new album while reading Babylon B headlines and exercising at the gym and exercising.
Well, that was a great conversation with John Cooper of Skillet, and we've got more where that came from in the subscriber portion coming up shortly.
So, become a Babylon B subscriber if you want to hear the rest and hear him answer the second set of 10 questions.
In the meantime, we've got some hate mail to close out the show with.
So here's a reply from Robert E. Lart Waters on Twitter, and he was replying to one of our articles, and he says, I can remember when the Babylon Bee was funny.
In fact, I can remember when it had some respect for Christian values and didn't like to bear false witness.
But according to this, that's a response to the Hunter Biden Ukraine article.
Yeah, like writing in on a blasphemous article.
didn't like to bear false witness yeah but let's like if you think that satire is bearing false witness then we've always i wonder if robert ellert waters is secretly hunter biden So we have some more hate mail.
This hate mail is from Brian Stelter.
That's not really hate mail.
He actually kind of fun.
Yeah.
MJ, who works here, what is her position?
She does like our Instagram, and she's our funny TikTok person because she's the only one here who understands what TikTok is.
Yeah.
She tweeted out forms of potatoes ranked one mashed, two roasted, three baked, 57, Brian Stelter.
And he responded, he said, I'm that high up.
And she said, yeah, lucky for you, I haven't figured out the 58th way to make a potato.
But that's great.
He also retweeted a recent article with the tattoos, like the Joe Rogan.
Yeah, we had him on trying to be like Joe Rogan, and he replied to it and thought it was great.
He has a good sense of humor.
I like that.
See, we're bringing the nation together with all our jokes owning the Democrats.
We're going to move into our subscriber lounge now where we're going to finish out the John Cooper interview.
And we also have a fun thing where we're going to talk about this lightsaber world record.
Yeah.
Where a guy supposedly has the world's first fully retractable lightsaber.
And Gavin is one of our animators and graphic guys.
And he's also our resident lightsaber expert.
He is our lightsaber expert.
And so he's going to analyze the article for us and demonstrate some of his lightsabers and lightsaber skills.
It's going to be a packed subscriber lounge.
So let's dive in.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
Guinness World Records recognizes Russian YouTuber as making the world's first retractable lightsaber.
This reminds me of like an animal segment on a talk show where his handlers come in and like, what are we going to see next?
Bring in the ferrets.
This is more of a display piece than or a cosplay piece than a dueling piece.
Like if you're trying to impress a girl, you bring this up.
Look at this.
Yeah, that's.
This has been another edition of the Bee Weekly from the dedicated team of certified fake news journalists you can trust here at the Babylon Bee.
Reminding you that fake news of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.