THE BEE WEEKLY: Racist Soap Dispensers and Headlines By Kids
THE BEE WEEKLY: Racist Soap Dispensers and Headlines By Kids On The Babylon Bee Weekly, Kyle and Ethan are joined by stand-up comedian Trevor Andersen again. They talk about drag racing cops and the racism built into automatic soap dispensers. We hear the best headline pitches by our subscribers' children and find a new hero of the faith. As always we end in hate mail, this one most likely coming from a disheartened satire-hating robot. Intro Trevor Andersen is back on the podcast to guest host. Coming up next Tuesday we have Dr. Jason Lisle, a young earth creationist on the interview show. We read subscriber comments and YouTube comments Weird News Greyhound Wins Race In New Zealand, But Is Later Discovered To Be On Methamphetamine Michigan Woman Glues Eye Shut After Mistaking Nail Glue For Eye Drops Oklahoma Woman Charged With Felony For Not Returning VHS Tape 21 Years Ago Two D.C. Police Cars Were Totaled After Officers Decided To Drag Race Each Other Florida Family Accused Of Selling Bleach As A "miracle" Cure For COVID-19 Automatic Soap Dispensers Are Racist Now Biden Was The Only World Leader With A Mask On During Virtual Climate Summit British Speed-Eater Drinks Capri Sun in 15.71 Seconds For Guinness Record Kids Pitch Babylon Bee Headlines Buy Abigail Shrier's 'Irreversible Damage' (Save $18.99 with this link!): babylonbee.com/damage Heroes of the Faith Joanna Southcott Hate Mail We get hate mail from a Stephen Hawking robot Subscriber Portion We talk about what books we're currently reading BONUS HATE MAIL
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hello, loyal listeners and viewers.
Welcome to the Babylon Bee podcast.
It's that time again.
We're back again.
We're back.
After a long time, he's back with jokes and stuff.
I am.
We're hanging out and talking with Trevor Anderson.
Yeah.
Our resident owner of a wooden laptop that he brings to analog.
Yeah, the analog style thing.
It was made by Nick Offerman in his wood shop.
Handcrafted.
Yeah, this slide has a mustache on it.
Yeah, of course.
Instead of a space bar.
Anyway, hi, everybody.
I'm Kyle, editor-in-chief of the Babylon Bee.
It's my friend Ethan, who also works with me.
I work with him.
Creative director of the Babylon Bee.
Trevor's just a bum that hangs out with us sometimes and does stand-up comedy and stuff.
So I don't know.
That's us.
This is a podcast where we talk about stuff.
We're Babylon Bee guys.
And do we have stuff today?
We do.
We have cool stuff to talk about, I think.
Do we?
Do we?
Yeah.
We have a lot of stuff.
Anything crazy happen this week to anybody?
I think I can't think of anything.
I need a good 30 minutes to prepare for that question.
Yeah.
I got to sit down and say, okay, what did I do to remember the week?
Yeah, I don't know.
Yeah.
I'm sure something crazy happened.
This morning I told Trevor because we're going to do a sketch later with Trevor in it.
I'm like, hey, we're going to try to do the podcast early today.
Kyle's going to hear 10.30.
Not exactly.
Ish.
Yeah, earlier than usual.
Ish.
So Trevor beat me, beat everybody here.
Okay.
He said, I'm going to need you to get here pretty soon.
I thought it took him like an hour and a half to get here.
He said that at 8.30.
And so I'm a veteran.
And, you know, you say pretty soon, that means leaving.
Thank you for your service.
Yeah, you're welcome for my service.
I didn't do anything.
I took pictures, but, you know, whatever.
Wait, you're actually a veteran?
I am a veteran.
I didn't know that.
I'm actually a veteran.
I thought you were going to go on like I'm a veteran of L.A. traffic or something, but no, you're actually – But no, I've been to war.
Who hasn't?
So you were standing out here saluting the Babylon B, like, reporting for duty, Babylon B, I'm here.
Right?
Yeah, you're standing at the door right there.
Yeah.
Anyway, so.
So we prepped.
We're ready.
Guys, if you listen to the Babylon Bee podcast, just this Tuesday, we're going to have Jason Lyle on.
It's on our interview.
Dr. Jason Lyle.
He's a really smart guy, astrophysicist, and he believes that man rode dinosaurs 6,000 years ago.
They wrote on the dinosaurs.
He's a young Earth creationist.
Yeah.
Like Kyle.
Like me.
Yeah.
Except I'm not as smart as he is.
Yeah, he has all his credentials.
Yeah.
So he's the guy that people say, hey, you're dumb for believing the Earth is young.
And I'm like, that guy's pretty smart.
You can talk to him.
I don't know.
So it was really fascinating.
Kept trying to stump him and he'd get us.
Yeah.
We were trying to own him and we couldn't.
So anyway, tune in for that Tuesday.
Subscribers get it a day early.
So if you are a paid subscriber to the Babylon B, go to our website or subscribe on your custom URL feed thing.
I'm using all the wrong words, RSS feed thing.
And you get it a day early.
So you can get on Monday instead of Tuesday.
And we have been reading some of the comments that left on our videos.
It's a way to let you know the videos we've been putting up and also to interact with our friends over there on the YouTubes.
Yeah.
Friends.
Oh, wait, but we didn't read the subscribe to get a book.
Hey, you're supposed to get a book if you subscribe to the Babylon Bee.
That's our new thing.
Are we supposed to do that first?
Oh, you're right.
It's mixed in.
That's what threw me off.
Oh, because the whole idea was: if you're a paid subscriber, you get your comment read first.
Oh, okay.
So then he's a paid subscriber.
Okay.
Who is it?
Got it.
David the Florida man.
David the Florida man.
Is he a paid subscriber?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So he gets his comment read first.
Okay.
Comment on the subscriber.
And he's talking about my pastor.
Oh, yeah.
That was a great podcast.
I really enjoyed that one.
Craig.
He said, dude, bro, the pastor sounds like that comedian, Sam Kinnison.
You know, the screaming guy from that Rodney Dangerfeld movie, Back to Old School, which we were determining is back to school.
Back to school, right?
Yeah.
I think he mixed up old school and back to school.
Just two different comedy movies from different eras.
You guys should take advantage of his doppelganger voice and do some knockoff parody movie scenes with him.
Okay.
So if we need a good Kinnison scene.
Yeah.
Somebody's looking up.
Oh, it's Kyle.
You're looking up Sam Kinnison?
Are you trying to get on board with what?
Stop talking.
It's probably very filthy.
Stop talking.
Every time it was going to last for a while.
I guess he kind of sounds like he screams a lot.
Yeah.
He did have that youth pastor voice.
That's what I said.
You know, Sam Kinniston, he was a Pentecostal preacher before he was.
And then something, one thing led to another.
And he's not a preacher anymore.
He renounced his faith.
I was looking it up.
I think the car accident happened when he was three.
I think there's a strong connection between people who want to be stand-up comedians, people who want to be like youth pastors.
Oh, yeah.
And I feel like a lot of youth pastors are guys who are couldn't quite cut it.
Yeah.
So if I could not fall back on it.
I'm just thinking if it doesn't work out.
Yeah.
I could always just pastor a church.
You already have.
Well, you know, my stand-up comic.
My dad was a pastor.
And ever since I started doing stand-up, he's like, you know, I could do stand-up.
And I was like, try it.
And he's like, no.
That's how I feel about stand-up coming.
I could do that.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not going to.
Oh, yeah.
No, I could.
My favorite thing to do when people are arrogant is to convince them to do stand-up comedy.
It's hilarious.
Because then they go and then they bum.
And then it's fun to watch people.
Bring their tears.
Oh, it's hey, man.
Comedy's not forever.
And then do you have a good I told you so look that you give them?
Can we see?
No, it's usually like if you want, if you think you'd be a good stand-up comedian, any kind of public speaking you do, start it by saying, What I'm going to say is going to be hilarious.
Yeah.
And then say what you're doing.
You're going to laugh really hard at what I'm going to say next.
Because, yeah, if you don't have that before, then everyone's expecting a sermon and they're so excited when you make a joke.
Like, oh, this is kind of fun.
Yeah, I told you one time I went and spoke at a conference in November, and they billed it as like an evening of stand-up comedy with the Babylon Bee.
And I was like, that's not what I mean.
No.
Well, then to everybody who thinks, oh, I could do stand-up, let me just tell you, don't be a marshmallow.
Yeah, that's right.
Now you got to blurt that out.
I want to do everybody.
No, don't go to an open mic.
They're super easy to find.
Go do three minutes of comedy.
Look at the faces of disappointment in the crowd.
Absorb that.
And if you still feel like you could do it after that, then continue.
And you've earned my respect.
You got the thing.
Well, now your youth pastor career is ruined after saying that word.
I just, you know what?
I realized last time I didn't get any swear words in, and I was kind of hoping to have a few.
I wanted a flower bed.
And so that's right.
Well, if you're a subscriber, like Florida Dan, Dave, David the Florida man, you too could be a subscriber because you could get the book.
Because if you get the annual subscription now, you get our giant fancy golden book.
It's very fancy.
We're going to put it in in post.
Yeah, it'll be shining right there in your screen.
It'll look exactly like this.
We got a message from Shannon Bream.
Oh, yeah.
She loves the book.
Fox News.
Fox News fame.
It goes right on your coffee table or on your bookstore.
You get the prototype again.
Yeah, you're freaking Patrick.
Yeah, it's not as wonked out as that because that's.
They sent me the cover, then they sent me a little bit of a break.
Look at this.
Freaking beautiful.
This is a heck of a deal.
So subscribe to the Babylon B, get this included with the premium subscription.
And look, oh, and actually, this one's the subcase that's already sold out.
Limited edition doesn't exist anymore.
Dang it, Patrick.
Think of what you could have.
Anyway, the book is like 40 bucks, 45 bucks.
The annual subscription is 100 bucks.
You're getting like half off your subscription.
Yeah, it's a good deal.
So subscribe.
BabylonB.com slash plans.
Now, we have a comment.
We have a comment from last week.
We mentioned the meth taco that went through the airport security.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, so this guy said, Ricky Shaw says, How many meth tacos do you need to get to level 130 in a Lord of the Rings game?
Well, you need to make the meth tacos.
So the Hobbit instead of the population make meth tacos.
Yeah.
Okay.
I would think a meth taco would be worth more XP than a pie.
But does it like run out faster?
I don't know how it works.
Yeah, you have to eat the taco when you're running low.
You know, the thing.
Life meter?
I don't know.
You know, the thing.
Yeah.
You know, the thing.
I'm just, you know, in Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild, they got the little green circles.
Stamina.
Thank you.
That's the word.
Why can't I think of words?
It's a good thing you're not hosting a podcast currently.
I can never remember words.
Yeah.
We did a cartoon with Chip and Joanna Gaines teaming up with Antifa for their new show, Smasher Upper.
And Pizzabot says, is this on YouTube?
It must be.
PizzaBot says, this might be concerning if Antifa was real.
Good thing it's just an idea.
A mostly peaceful idea.
Owned by Pizza Bot.
It's an idea.
Yep.
Oh, and then.
Go ahead.
Yeah, on the Zubi interview, Big Bad Raj said, since he's only a part-time woman, does he still get 80 or 90 cents per dollar being a rapper?
Part-time woman wages.
Yeah.
Part-time woman.
I don't know what rapping pays.
Seems like it's one of those ones where 90% make 1% or whatever.
Yeah, I think that.
Or 10%.
I don't think you can get it like an entry-level job as a rapper.
I think that you got to.
Rapper intern?
Yeah.
We have to defeat someone in a rap battle to get in.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Oh, because there's just a limited number of rappers.
Limited number.
It's like a reality show.
Okay.
Rap survivor.
So I was.
I think it's called The Rappist.
So I was kidnapped by Snopes and tied up.
I had to film a video as a hostage.
And Seth lovingly paid my ransom.
And so I've been released.
We don't pay a hot.
What is that?
Ransom.
We don't negotiate.
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
Just let them die.
And so we got some comments on that video.
Alex Fiat on YouTube says, Babylon B, please let me go.
I have a wife and kids.
I don't deserve this.
Snopes.
Fact check, mostly false.
And then some dead emoji.
Skull emoji.
Skull.
That's like crossbones.
James Z Laffy emoji.
Okay.
Okay.
And noose Pharma name.
Noose Pharonami.
Said, fun fact, Babylon Bee is accurately more accurate than Snopes.
Actually, more accurate than Snoops.
Yeah.
That's a pretty common comment.
So if you haven't seen it on our YouTube channel, we have something to help you relax and de-stress.
It's an ASMR video.
ASMR.
I've just learned about these things.
People just go.
People do that?
Lip smacking?
Is lip smacking really quiet?
Quietly, like this.
That's supposed to be really soft and make you.
Is lip smacking a thing?
Yeah, yeah.
That would drive me insane.
Yeah.
Oh, and then they got like they put microphones up to their dogs eating snacks.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's terrible.
It's like for hours.
Oh, yeah.
Three hours of a dog eating a churro.
Is it like where like a hand going into some squishy stuff or something?
Yeah, and then you whisper, put the microphone real close to your mouth.
Okay, we get.
So we did one kind of like in the spirit of the crackling fire log fireplace.
Yeah, you'll log.
Your Yule log.
Three hours of Yule log.
We did three hours of peaceful protest.
So the city burning and the Molotov cocktails soaring overhead.
The soothing sound of a distant siren.
And if you listen to the whole three hours, you get all the secret messages that were thrown into it.
So Chiaki Nanami says, you tagged an ASMR, you mad lads.
The comments on this one are the best.
People that got it just loved it.
Alex Ghost says, as someone who listens to rain, oceans, and soft music, this perfectly captures the serenity of the summer of 2020.
The summer of love.
Guys, this is honestly pure genius.
Your best work.
That's our best work, guys.
Best work of everything we've done.
Three hours of people.
That was all, Brandon.
Good job, Brandon.
If you guys haven't watched it, you need to.
We have an interview with BLM's founder.
Yeah.
Played by Kira Davis.
That's one of them.
It was really good.
And she tells us how justice won't be served until she can get a fifth house.
And this guy, man-made, comments on it and says, most comedy skits are exaggerated, but this one's pretty true to life.
And always gratifying.
As a black man and former fetus, I find this hilarious.
Indeed.
Fantastic.
All right, let's do some weird news.
This news is weird.
Greyhound wins race in New Zealand, but is later discovered to be on meth.
Meth tacos for meth taco.
It increases stamina.
So a three-year-old Italian greyhound named Zipping Sarah was caught with drugs in her system.
How do they test that later?
Was drug testing as common?
Is it normal?
Yeah, it was a post-race urine test.
Trainer Angela Turnwald was disqualified for four months, fined $3,500, and was stripped of the winning stake, which was $4,000.
So lost $4,000, had to pay $3,500.
But she gets to keep the dog?
They didn't take the dog.
They didn't take the dog.
That seems like animal abuse.
The dog probably likes her, but the dog would go into withdrawal.
Oh, yeah.
She took it away.
They haven't.
That's a long process for dogs.
I'm wondering how they started suspecting this dog.
Was it acting like it was on meth?
Yeah, Greyhounds already seem very methyl.
I don't know how you like a Chihuahua, you'd be like, oh, that guy's dead.
Yeah, definitely.
They have natural meth in their system.
Michigan woman glues eyes shut after mistaking nail glue for eye drops.
I hate when that happens.
Is this the same woman who glued her hair with the gorilla?
Not the same as the gorilla glue.
Same spirit.
In the same spirit.
It's a copycat.
Murderer, and then there's the copy murderers.
This is a copycat gluer.
So nail glue, not the kind of men have nail glue, but it's like glue that acts like a nail.
Yeah.
Oh, that's what I was saying.
Liquid nails.
You can't get your fingernails back on.
I wonder if you said nail glue to like 50 women and to 50 men.
How many.
Yeah.
I bet 100% of the men would think.
Like liquid nails.
Yeah, that's exactly what.
Oh, we have a quote.
I was like, oh my goodness.
And it dropped in my eye.
And I tried to wipe it away and it sealed my eye shut, the woman said.
Oh, my goodness.
Okay, so she only did it in one eye.
It seems like, okay.
If she had done both eyes, I would have been concerned.
Like, after.
Okay, that's how I thought.
I thought she had done both of her eyes.
Yeah, it's a good thing she's not fast.
I put sriracha in my eye yesterday by mistake.
You thought it was.
Well, not by mistake, just by like cleansiness.
Was in your hand.
I was eating beef stir-fry with chopsticks.
And we were at the restaurant, and I said, This isn't spicy enough.
Can I get some sriracha?
So she brought it over, and I was like, Yeah, and then I go, I was like trying to, I'm a white boy trying to eat with chopsticks, and I flicked it up, like catapulted it into my eye.
Like, oh, so after telling this lady it's not spicy enough, I'm like, oh, I'm rolling around, idiot.
But it wasn't glue.
That's good.
So that's good.
Yeah.
So the contact lens saved her.
Yeah, the doctor says the contact lens saved her vision.
Oh, that's good.
It was stuck in there.
It was like a female diaphragm.
Is that what they call it?
I don't know.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I was going to say like a mask.
I appreciate it.
That's better.
We're going to go with mask.
It's your turn.
Yeah, go ahead, Trevor.
Stand-up comedy man.
Oh, geez.
This is going to be really hilarious.
Right.
Oklahoma woman charged with felony for not returning a VHS tape 21 years ago.
So a VHS tape is this old technology where you watch a movie on a giant brick that you put in a machine.
It's in the late 1900s.
People used to watch movies on tape.
You know, when you say, let's rewind that video?
The reason we say wind.
Yeah, because it wounds.
Because it actually winded wound.
Yeah.
All right.
So she'd go to a store and rent them.
So you have to physically move yourself to get a movie.
I'm going to tell you, I liked that experience better than what we have now.
Yeah, you take a chance.
It was a take a chance.
Because you're like, I made the trip.
And it was.
You're judging them by their cover.
And it was like an experience.
Like you and your wife would go and be like, we're going to pick something tonight.
We're going to make it.
And you just sit there on Netflix now.
There's such a fire hose of content.
You don't pick anything.
It's just not picking up.
I like the five for five for five.
Five is great.
It's five dollars, five days.
Oh, yeah.
Because then that's like your Netflix.
You're getting a miniature Netflix you're bringing home and you have five movies to pick from.
But you're committed.
You've pre-one bad, then you have the other one.
Then you have the other ones.
But get them all five Van Dam movies or whatever.
Well, then they used to have like on the outside wall would be all the new movies.
And then on the inside, there were all these categories that they had, and then there'd be like the cult classics section where these weird stuff.
Yeah, all the weird stuff.
And we would go and like run a bunch of those and then see how long we could watch them.
It's cult classic.
My favorite thing was to rent like an N64 game.
Oh, yeah.
And then you didn't have enough time to beat it.
So you would put it back and then hope that by the next time you rented, someone hadn't overwritten your save file.
Oh, yeah.
Overwrites.
You're going to have to save it in the disc, huh?
Yeah, it would save it on the cartridge.
Cart disc.
What am I?
What are you, a Zoomer?
Yeah.
You didn't have a memory card.
They had memory cards on the PlayStation.
Yeah, the cartridges would save it on there.
Wow.
So this woman rented Sabrina the Teenage Wit, which in 1999.
Just like a show?
Like a couple episodes?
Or was this?
They're all on Hulu now.
I don't.
I don't know.
Sharon McBride.
She said that she doesn't even remember renting the movie.
It may have been rented by a man who was living with her at the time who had two daughters.
So just he's living there.
I just, I think it's weird that if you just have a VHS gone for that long, it becomes a felony.
Yeah.
It's a weird little bit.
It's a cautionary tale about cohabitation.
Yeah.
Yeah, there you go.
This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't been cohabitating.
Who's pressing charges?
There's no way the video rental company is still in the middle.
Well, it says that she was charged in March of 2000, and she just found out, oh, I've been watching this for 20 years, I think, is the story.
There's no injured party anymore, though.
Felony embezzlement.
Nowadays, if you just keep it like a red box or whatever, you just buy the movie.
Right.
Automatically charging.
Not in the old days.
A blockbuster would charge you the cost of the movie and all the, like you could rack up $200, $300 charges, and then they'd fine you for not rewinding it.
Yeah.
Which is when you would.
Right.
You had to take a pencil and spin it.
All right.
That was the sound of me.
That was ASMR sound of rewinding.
Okay.
Oh, man, we're killing it today.
Two DC police cars were totaled after officers decided to drag race each other.
Bad idea.
Last Thursday evening at 5 p.m.
Yeah, I was thinking, oh, yeah, so they're just like 2 a.m. or something.
They're doing it at 5 in the afternoon.
They reach speeds of up to 62 miles per hour.
That's not a fast drag race.
Yeah, that's just converging onto the freeway.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't know what happened.
You could accidentally do that on a residential street if you're not paying attention.
Yeah.
Florida family accused of selling bleach as a miracle cure for COVID-19.
So a Florida man and his three sons have been indicted for selling bleach as a cure for the coronavirus, even claiming the solution could prevent infection.
They generated a million dollars for the family.
Oh, we read this story before.
I think this is a different one.
Oh, this is the same guy.
Is it?
Because Army Trump.
These guys have been doing miracle cures for all these different things.
Okay.
The Genesis 2 Church of Health and Healing.
I don't remember that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was like a whole religious thing.
They made this whole religious cult out of it.
Oh, my gosh.
Genesis 2 website lists the group as a non-religious church.
They do good deeds for the health of all mankind.
They didn't mention the dangerous side effects such as severe vomiting, diarrhea, and low blood pressure.
And bleaching your guts.
Dying.
Impossible death.
This is what people were saying that Trump was saying.
Right.
The drinking the bleach.
And I think we actually got an angry email about this when we read the story before it.
Someone was like, you guys have it all wrong.
Those guys are legit.
They were mad about it.
Was it the same?
It was the same?
I'm almost almost.
Why is this again though?
I think because now they've been indicted before they were like just investigating them.
Gotcha.
So update on the update.
Biden was the only world leader with a mask on during virtual climate summit.
So he's on Skype with a mask on.
But he was the only guy with a helper.
Is that why?
Yeah.
But they said there was a couple of people sitting at the table with him or something.
So that's why he put it on the road.
Yeah, telling him what to say.
They had to write down the questions for him real quick.
They were pulling.
Yeah.
And pull the strings.
Yeah, yeah.
Lift up the arm.
Cue cards.
That's right.
Yeah.
He was also the one without his country's flag on the screen with him.
Which is, you know, we don't really want him associated.
Yeah, I don't want people to say this guy represents me.
Just to be clear.
I don't want to be at distance here.
This is nice of him.
But he is the true president.
And we want everyone at YouTube to know that we believe that.
Oh, you skipped one here.
From not the be.
Not the be.
Oops.
Automatic soap dispensers are now racist.
Oops.
Now, so they're saying the reason.
It took me a second.
I get.
Yeah.
Go ahead.
The reason they're saying this is because they say that the little eyeball that sees the hand can't see black hands.
It's designed to only see white hands.
To only see white hands.
And then they say they have to flip over their hand to the lighter skin to be able to see it or something.
To do that, anyway?
Get soap, yeah.
Yeah, I don't know who does that.
Who's doing this?
Who does Ezekik Hyle at the dispenser?
Not the black guys.
No, that's true.
I mean, isn't it just motion?
And like, wouldn't you?
That's the thing.
They're saying it's a reflective.
It's a reflecting break the beam or whatever.
Oh, yeah, it reflects back.
This just seems like an unfortunate thing, really.
Yeah, well, I went to a Buffalo, a Buffalo Wild Wings one time, and I was in the bathroom, and I got the soap, and I'm washing my hands, and there was a black guy there, and he put his hands under it, and he couldn't get it to work, and he called his buddy over, neither of them could work.
And I put my hand under it, and every time I put my hand under, it was squirting soap, and they were laughing like, this thing is racist.
And I was like, I know.
So I just like got a bunch of soap and we all like rubbed our hands together.
So, I mean, inspiring story.
It is an inspiring story.
In a way, we defeated racism that day in the Buffalo Wild Winds Reserve.
That if it wasn't for that, you know, maybe we wouldn't have had that interaction.
So maybe certain places have racist ones.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, I like the idea that they were designing this and they're like, it works for black people still.
Back to the drawing board.
All right.
I think, oh, I guess I have to read on this one.
British Speed Eater drinks Capri Sun in 15.71 seconds for Guinness Record.
Wow.
Is that fast?
Because it's a woman, too.
I was interested.
I've never seen a speed eater that's a female.
No, there's no way that that's a world record.
15 seconds?
That doesn't seem that fast.
I don't think I've ever drank a Capri Sun in more than 15 seconds.
Unless you count trying to get the straw in the hole, that's like 30, 40 seconds at least.
Yeah.
It takes me forever.
Okay, I'm wondering what the rules are here.
Do we have any Capri Suns in the office?
Yeah, Patrick.
Maybe we could try to define.
Oh, look at this.
Amazing.
Wait a minute.
Give me one of those.
Always have a couple.
I want one.
Okay, we're going to try to beat it.
Who's going to time this?
So do we have to pull off the strawberry?
Oh, wait, yeah, you can't take the straw out yet.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Wait, we can't even pull it off the glue yet, right?
No.
Okay, let me.
Is there a video of her taking?
Can you give me a different one?
I accidentally already popped the straw out a little bit.
It's not fair.
Referees say that that is invalid.
Do we have to put it in the proper hole or can I just stab it anywhere?
Should we say SB proper hole?
I think it's proper hole.
Yeah, proper hole.
This feels weird to talk that's perfect for audio listeners.
Okay.
Okay.
Well, you have to get it in that little.
Yeah.
Yeah, you got to get in a little hole, drink the whole thing in 15 points.
Insert straw here.
All right.
So I think we did it.
I would stab it.
I think it's just have to be on the you can't touch it before the timer's hands.
How many ounces is a Capri Sun?
Does it say?
All right, I don't know.
Okay, we're ready.
Three.
Oh, no.
I'm not ready.
Wait, no, no.
No hands on it, Kyle.
Wait, oh, no hands.
No hands off.
Three, two, one, go.
No.
Oh, my God.
I can't get it.
Done.
Did I do it?
16 seconds.
Oh!
No way.
That was surprisingly more difficult than I thought it was.
The straw is too small.
I have a headache.
I'm going to die the slowest.
We need to do a replay on that because I'm pretty sure.
If you were not at 16, it was like 0.2 seconds from winning or from tying with this lady.
I'm light-headed.
And I still have some.
I just got kicked out of ketosis.
I was going to say it's because he's been on keto.
Say, I know.
I'm just going to desire the sugar.
Sugar, sugar, sugar.
I mean, you're like that greyhound right now.
Okay, so here's the thing: if I had some scissors, I could just cut off the top of the cup.
Sure.
That's what I was thinking.
If I could just bite into it and shug it like a vampire eating a hamster.
See, I think even if I didn't quite hit the record, I can definitely break that record.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was your warm-up.
Again, you're already out of time.
I'm good.
I mean, yeah, I already kind of have to pee.
Yeah.
I did too.
But that's normal.
Hey, speaking of having to pee, all our coffee drinkers out there, we have some great mugs.
I love this black one.
Yeah, I've never saw the black ones before.
I've never seen sleek.
Fake news you can trust.
Fake news you can trust.
Babylon B. Wait, shop.babylonb.com is our store.
That's the URL.
So go there.
Hey, and if you're a subscriber, you get a discount code, I believe.
Yes, you do.
Sell the tumbler.
Oh, yeah, we got a tumbler, too.
We got a tumbler.
It says decaf condemned as heresy, and it's in this beautiful like metal embossed, whatever you want to call it.
Screen colours.
It's like lifted.
Brushed.
Brushed metal.
Brushed steel.
It's like lifted up.
That's not a sticker that you guys just slapped on there.
I assumed it wasn't.
Sorry.
And painted.
And painted by elves.
Yes.
Yes.
All right.
We got a fun little segment here for you guys.
Kids.
Who doesn't love kids?
That witch in the woods.
Yeah.
UC Vogue recently.
Does love them.
She had a headline that said having a child vandalism, something like that.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Environmental.
Environmental vandalism.
Who wrote that?
What kind of like rolled doll bad guys in the trunch bowls?
Kids.
So we asked our paid subscribers, and if you're a paid subscriber, you get an opportunity to participate in stuff like this.
But we asked our paid subscribers to have their kids pitch them Babylon B headlines.
So the parents went to the kids and said, here's the Babylon B.
It's like, I'm amazed kids even use headlines.
What a headline is.
I mean, how old can these kids be?
Is there a cutoff for the age of the kids?
People were submitting stuff from their kids in college.
Yeah, I was going to say, my dad's got kids.
They're all grown.
Yeah.
But yeah.
But most of it is like my mom could be like, my kid, my son, Kyle.
You know, he has his great mind pitches.
Yeah, all the guys that are sending us cont headlines are like, mom, submit this for me.
But so here we go.
We're going to read your kids writing Babylon B headlines.
All right, this is from a seven-year-old.
Childless couple build robot children to write funny headlines.
Meta joke.
I like it.
I got a six-year-old named Clara.
Super Mario, now called Booper Mario, because you have to boop all the bad guys.
It's more accurate.
Nice.
So we got a couple here that don't have an age on it.
Yeah, they didn't give me the age on this one.
Okay.
A dinosaur is walking around the neighborhood.
That's a good.
Nailed it.
Yeah.
You want to report that?
Go to Photoshop.
I like this.
A chicken went to Chick-fil-A to save his friends.
That's why the chicken crossed the road.
He goes in there with a shotgun.
It's way back time.
This time, it's personal.
President Biden makes a new machine, the tax collector, 3000.
Lego people leave Earth.
We can't stand these humans anymore.
All right.
This is one of my favorites.
A chicken is surprised after walking into a hardware store paint-shaking machine.
That would be quite shocking.
What is happening?
I would like to know the backstory.
Chicken are surprised by everything, too.
And they're surprised by walls.
Yeah.
I'd like to know the backstory that led that child to think of that.
They were waiting in line with their parents at Home Depot, and they're looking at the machine going, you know what would really surprise a chicken?
All right, breaking news.
A restaurant's entire menu is hot dogs.
Is that a fantasy or a nightmare?
A fantasy for a kid.
The kid went to a Wiener Schnitzel for the first time.
Or like a hot dog on a stick.
I thought this was supposed to be satire, right?
Dad, your shoes are really giant squishy blueberries.
Got them.
Okay.
Gotcha, Dad.
I feel like the dad was like, I need you to write a headline.
And they just ignored him completely and just made an observation.
Okay, this is from a 15-year-old girl.
USS Enterprise canceled for being a Constitution class starship.
Dan, is that a good Star Trek joke?
Oh, that's Star Trek?
I thought it was a, well, it's a Navy joke.
Well, yeah, but it's a constant.
It's a starship.
Yeah.
Is it a constitution class in Star Trek?
You have to look it up.
Okay.
Weather report.
White stuff falls from sky.
Maybe cloud pieces.
Weird.
All right.
Easter report.
Weird bunny has been laying eggs everywhere and they look weird.
All right.
Here's one from a three-year-old named Noah.
A big meteor hit the whole world.
Sounds like some kind of clairvoyant three-year-old.
Five-year-old daughter.
To have the biggest journey, you've got to eat a sheep.
That sounds like one of those Japanese, they're trying to make it sound like English.
Confucius say.
I'd really like to read the opinion piece that that one goes with.
You want to have the biggest journey?
Yeah.
Isn't that a metaphor?
Got to eat a sheep.
The real sheep is the friends we've made along the way.
A five-year-old daughter, all leaves are eaten.
No plants will grow.
It's like farm news or something.
Right?
All right, this is from Clara again, age six.
Guy punches hole in the wall and says, oh no, this was supposed to happen tomorrow.
That sounds like a guy, the director?
Forget it.
I can't think.
Well, yeah.
Imagine, look, if the Kool-Aid man jumped through the wall on the wrong day, like when they were through, there's nobody there.
He's like, I want the party with tomorrow.
So now he has to rebuild the wall.
He probably has a wall guy.
Is it my turn?
I think so.
Daughter, age 15.
There is no crisis at the border, says Denithor as orcs storm Osgaliath.
Good job, Ethan.
That's a 15-year-old daughter.
Is she going to have a hard time?
That's homeschool, probably.
Oh, yeah.
Super nerdy.
Good job.
I think she's awesome.
Middle schooler.
Kids demand in-person learning to avoid explaining math to parents.
That's quite good.
It's better than some Babylon peels.
I'm going to use that one, huh?
I'm going to steal it.
Hold on, I'm going to steal it, right?
Oh, he's actually stealing his savings.
12-year-old named Christian.
Kamala Harris is caught bringing dynamite into Joe Biden's office.
Three looney kins.
She's just like an ox of acme TNT.
All right.
Seven signs that your dog is a racist.
One.
They bark at everyone.
That's pretty racist.
Work in progress.
There isn't any more than that.
Oh, Eliza.
This is from my daughter, Eliza.
Ethan's six-year-old daughter.
Oh, this is our big finale.
Yeah.
Ezra and Calvin rub poop in their eyes, and now their eyes are burning.
And she provided a drawing of this.
And you have to watch.
If you're on audio, you've got to pull up the drawing because it really has the joke home.
Like they look like they're shrieking in pain.
This is her first time really drawing facial expressions, and I couldn't be more proud.
And she doesn't know about the whole eye thing of pink eye.
She doesn't know about that.
But these kids definitely have a lot of people.
And they definitely have pink eye.
Like she somehow knows that if you rub poop in your eyes, that's what's going to happen.
It's a conjunctivitis.
Now the brown stuff all over Calvin's head is not.
Calvin added that.
She's very mad at him for that.
Oh, that's not poop.
No, that's just a cool hairstyle.
It's like with hair or something.
I don't know.
It's like a mohawk mullet.
Yeah.
A mullet.
It's a party in the front and a party in the back.
Well, that was fun.
That was fun.
Good job, kids.
Yeah.
You're funnier than me sometimes.
Oh, hey, guys.
We had Abigail Schreier on our podcast.
Yeah.
A while ago.
She was getting her book taken away by Carlson.
She was getting banned by a bunch of stuff.
And she Amazon, Target, whatever.
We had an interview with her.
If you haven't watched that interview or listen to it, go back and listen to the Abigail Schreier interview.
It was fantastic.
I read her book and it was amazing.
It's called Irreversible Damage.
And it's about this crazy influx of especially girls identifying as boys.
Or just like kind of androgynous or going for this whole, just the trans.
Yeah, and then there's this, but there's this whole system built around it with the psychologists and the teachers and the parents all pushing them towards like transition.
There's this whole like culture.
And if you all of a sudden are like, oh, yeah, I'm a girl.
Or I'm sorry, you know, girls, like, I'm a boy.
It's like all of a sudden you have all this clout and the social media approval.
And it's wild if you look at the numbers of how many girls are identifying as boys now.
And my wife was at a retreat, a church retreat this weekend, and she said like four of their parents had the same story that their daughters doing this, like all different varying degrees of the same identification, like this kind of stuff.
It's like, it is like, it is pervasive.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's crazy.
So her book, Irreversible Damage, we're trying to promote it for them.
If you guys haven't, for her publisher, if you haven't read it yet, we highly encourage you to get it.
Get it from us at babylonb.com/slash damage.
Babylonb.com/slash damage.
And you can pick up Abigail Schreier's Irreversible Damage.
It's a wonderful book.
It's one of the best books I've read recently.
So check it out.
Chikadoot.
Awesome.
All right, we're doing another new segment.
Now, this segment is called Heroes of the Faith.
And we're going to look back on some possibly forgotten, lesser-known, lesser-known heroes of the Christian faith and maybe other faiths.
Who knows?
We're going to just go, we're going to find just crazy stories.
Yeah.
We'll maybe do some of the false religions as well.
Who knows?
Yeah, so you guys all know about Chuck Spurgeon.
You guys know about Martin Luther.
You know about the Apostle Paul.
These are the guys that you're the undercard.
Yeah, so we got Joanna Southcott.
Yeah.
Oh, look at her.
Now, yeah, we got a cute picture.
Now, apparently, so she's from England and she was just doing dairy work and stuff like this, you know, just normal life.
And then at one point, they were, I guess this guy said she was growing mad.
But she was, she started prophesying and like having all these visions and dreams.
And pretty quickly, I don't know how you go from being a dairy farmer to suddenly being like this prophetic woman that has like people following you.
But she started in 1792.
She was with the Wesleyans.
And then she wrote and dictated prophecies in rhyme.
So she's kind of a rapper.
Oh, nice.
And then announced herself as the woman of the apocalypse that was spoken of in the prophetic passage of Revelation 12, 1 through 6.
Remember, that's like the image of the woman who's giving birth and there's a dragon and stuff like that.
She's saying that's her.
Yeah.
So she began selling paper seals of the Lord.
And actually, if there's an image we can bring up there of her seal, people would buy these things.
And if you bought one, then you were insured to be placed among the 144,000 people who would be elected to turn.
She's selling seats of the 144,000 people.
Yeah, selling seats.
Limited time, limited sealing, everybody.
But it gets crazier.
At the age of 64, Southcott affirmed that she was pregnant and would be delivering the new Messiah, the Shiloh that is mentioned in Genesis 49, 10.
So then the date, 19th of October, was fixed for the birth.
That's the day this baby's coming.
And she was pregnant looking.
And on the day that the baby was supposed to be born, she didn't show up.
And apparently they said she was in a trance.
And it turns out she had this disorder, which just gave her the appearance of being pregnant because I guess she was 64 years old and a virgin still.
So she had a massive tumor.
She had some kind of crazy gut thing.
Yeah.
And it's a condition that still afflicts me.
Yeah, I have it.
Yeah.
I wasn't going to say it.
It's called being a big fat lady.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Now, her followers had reached a number of around 100,000 in 1814, mainly in the London area.
She died not long after.
The official date of her death was 27th of December 1814.
But it's likely that she died before that because her followers held onto her body for a long time, believing that she would be raised from the dead.
But then finally, when she started not smell so good, they handed over the corpse.
What a hero of the faith.
So now the weirdest, craziest part of this that I wanted to get to, the Southcottian movement did not end with her death in 1814.
Her followers are said to have numbered over 100,000, but it declined by the end of the 19th century.
In 1881, there was an enclave of her followers living in the Chatham area of East London who were distinguished by their long beards and their good manners.
You see a guy walking by.
Oh, there's a Southcotter.
My lady, and he tips his hat.
That's must be one of those.
That's like 80 years after she died.
Yeah, there's people still.
Southcott left a sealed wooden box of prophecies.
Now, here's the thing: Jonah Southcott's box, usually known as Jonah Southcott's box, with the instructions that it be opened only at a time of national crisis and then only in the presence of all 24 bishops of the Church of England at that time.
So the bishops were to spend a fixed period beforehand studying all of her prophecies before they figured out what to do with them.
So they had this box.
Attempts were made to persuade the Episcopate to open the box during the Crimean War and again during the First World War.
But in 1927, psychic researcher Harry Price claimed that he had the box.
Wait, so hang on.
So the Church of England is like respecting her wishes?
Apparently they're holding on to the box or I don't know.
And they're like, okay, we have to do all this stuff before we open the box.
We can't open it yet.
Got to have bishops there.
It's weird to me that they weren't just like, she was a psycho.
Let's open it and see what's in her.
We can see what's in this thing.
And maybe they're just refusing to open it because she's a psycho.
That's true.
You don't want to.
Yeah, maybe there's making a mysterious ticking noise or it's just anthrax in there.
So this guy who claims he had the box open it.
And what says, oh, there's a lottery ticket and a horse pistol and a few random things.
So the Southcottians deny the authenticity of that box opened in 1927.
Did you say a horse pistol?
A horse pistol.
Like something a horse can use, or is it like for racing?
Or is it to shoot a horse?
To kill a horse?
Are there specific pistol specifics?
That's like the horse shooting.
That's like a horse.
That's like a horse e-break.
Yeah.
It was used to take down enemy horses for, you know, it's like you're riding and you've got the...
Have you ever done that on Red Dead?
You're riding on your horse and you just shoot the horse while you're on it, right out from under you?
Actually, I don't know if you can do that.
That would be messed up.
Okay, so this is interesting.
So then an advertising campaign on billboards.
Now, this is in the 60s and 70s.
So she has followers.
Yeah, 1960s and 70s.
In British national newspapers, they took out ads and the Sunday Express and also they put out like billboards.
So those are big billboards that say like, open the box.
To try to persuade the 24 bishops to have that box opened.
Open the box.
We've been hanging on for like a century and a half.
And they have a good slogan.
The society's slogan was, war, disease, crime, and banditry.
The stress of nations and perplexity will increase until the bishops open Joanna Southcott's box.
I feel like they could have tightened that up a bit.
Yeah, that's a good slogan for a bumper sticker.
Southcudians can't meme terrible.
So, according to the society, this true box in their possession, a secret location for safekeeping, with its whereabouts to be disclosed only when a bishop's meeting had been arranged.
And Southcott prophesied that the day of judgment would become in the year 2004.
Her followers stated that if the contents of the box had not been studied before that, the world would have had to meet it unprepared.
Also, it had stuff to help us find.
We have met unprepared since 2004.
I mean, look at what's happening.
Yeah, it's gone south, man.
Maybe the Southcudians were right.
Okay, so now the box.
What's in the box?
We have figured out that hopefully nobody's girlfriend Severate head is in the box.
Yeah.
Or his wife.
I don't remember.
Probably, I think it was his wife.
This is his wife's head.
Yeah.
That was from.
That was a reference.
Brad Pitt movie.
Seven.
Oh, yeah, I've seen that movie.
So what is in the box?
We have some theories about what could be in Joanna Southcott's box.
For instance, maybe Joseph Smith Searstone can be in there.
Paul McCartney's death certificate.
Proof.
Proof that he's dead.
Sorry.
God's Not Dead 4.
The Weeden Cut of the Snyder Cut.
Of God's Not 4.
Dead 4.
Larry the Cucumber's Hairbrush and Reese Roper's Blue Comb.
A deep cut for you.
We throw one out for the home.
For the 90s youth group kids.
Oh, a canister that held the secret ooze.
Oh, yeah, from the turtles.
Wasn't allowed to watch it.
George R. Martin's manuscript for the Winds of Winter.
Snyder Cut.
The Snyder Cut of that Snyder Cut.
Obviously.
Carmen's Book of Spells, perhaps.
This is the one that he was talking about in the Witches.
Invitations.
Yeah.
Witches.
Invitation.
Yeah.
They all rhyme really well.
Season two of Firefly, The Snyder Cut.
Okay.
D. Snyder's hair clippings.
The actual Snyder cut.
That's a real Snyder Cut.
Oh, that's a common sense pun control.
We need that.
Robert Downey Jr.'s finger from Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang.
Have you seen that?
Kyle's never seen that.
That's his main name.
But a dog ate it.
No, the dog ate it.
It's true.
But they got it out.
I didn't supervise most of them.
A mostly filled Sudoku book.
She likes Sudoku.
Yeah, it's not all the idea that they open and it's like.
A lottery ticket and a horse gun.
No, a horse pistol.
Yeah, a horse pistol.
The original cut of Star Wars.
Snyder Cut.
Snyder Snyder Cut.
The original cut.
Snyder cut.
I would watch that.
Just like the whole movie in slow motion.
Frank Stallone.
He's in there.
We found him.
This is a Norm McDonald reference.
Just what happened to his career?
Just in that box.
Oh, Denzel Washington's Book of Eli.
Book of Eli's.
Yeah.
Oh, a Chick-fil-A Sunday pass.
Yeah, you just wear that around your neck.
And on Sunday.
Hey, we're close.
Oh.
Yeah, come on in.
Oh, you found Southcott's box, did you?
All right, and this has been Heroes of the Faith.
This has been another.
A first.
A first.
And last.
And last.
If you know of any good Heroes of the Faith that we want us to cover.
Commenters.
I really miss Adam Ford.
We got some hate mail this week.
And this is a funny hate mail because it's from a robot, we think.
Yeah, we think it might be.
It's either Spock or a robot.
He was very analytical in the way that, or it was very analytical in the way that it commented.
Yes, we actually got a recording of it in Stephen Hawking's.
Oh, we do?
Okay.
Can we hear it?
Yeah, let's hear this.
Hawking?
Oh, his name is Steve.
His name is Stephen.
Stephen.
Stephen Spencer Hawking.
Without empathy, one cannot put oneself in the mind of another to gauge reaction.
Hiring someone having, say, 15% of empathy at normal humans who may help to inform the editor what constitutes humor.
Humor in additional amounts of subverted expectation, which herein you have done not at all.
And everyone knows that this punchline will be in service of the same biases as the last and will be utterly predictable based on subject.
The onion heard of it on the boat.
I'm pretty sure it's exactly how it sounds.
That's exactly how this guy sounds.
Did anybody get that?
But he's saying we don't have empathy.
I love that.
It just sounds so robotic because he's like, you guys only have 15% of the empathy of normal humans.
How do you know that?
What does that even mean?
How do you measure that?
15%.
That's such a precise number.
Fact of empathy detected.
Countermeasures deployed.
And the way he speaks, humor is additionally about subverting expectation, which herein you have done not at all.
What constitutes humor?
What is love?
Why is love?
I like how it's like the onion heard of it.
No, what is that?
What's that mean?
All right, now we have two one-star iTunes reviews that we're going to read.
Yeah.
This is by someone named Two Bears.
Maybe an Elisha reference there, perhaps.
It's P2 Bears.
P2 Bears.
P2 Bears.
I will pray for you.
Jesus does not want you to spread absolute lies.
There is no such thing as trans people pressuring kids to become trans.
Shame on you.
If you want to get Abigail Schreier's book, you can go to babylonb.com slash damage.
That's where we should have pitched it.
I bet that's the episode this person is talking about.
Here's a confusing one: it's a one-star review from Gabriel, and it says, bruh, bestest podcast.
Does he have like fat finger?
Does he not know how stars work?
I'm thinking the fat finger theory.
Fat finger theory.
Or he just thinks five is like less somehow.
Yeah, I don't know.
One's one stars.
You guys are number one.
You guys are the number one podcast.
Yeah.
You're the first star.
He's just north stars.
He's just going through Apple Podcasts, trashing all his favorite podcasts.
This is my favorite podcast.
One star.
All right, guys.
Well, this has been a show.
Thank you for joining us.
And subscribers, rich people, join us now in the cool subscriber lounge.
And we're going to talk about what books Babylon B subscribers have been reading lately.
And we also have a bonus hate mail.
Bonus hate mail.
Here we go.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
We're going to be talking about books in the subscriber portion because we're all smart and we all read books.
Yeah.
So many books.
Later by Stephen King, which was complete garbage.
Newer one or an older one.
It's new.
It just came out.
I got it like the day it came out.
It was absolute garbage.
All right.
Bonus hate mail time.
Oh, yeah.
Bonus hate mail from Egon, who sounds like on the Ghostbusters.
Why didn't they just fly the Eagle ons into Mortar?
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to BabylonB.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.