Death by Rooster and Observing Lent While Hating Everybody
Ethan is joined by Doug Tennapel in Exile and Wes Halula on this Bee Weekly to talk about Texas ditching mask mandates and what it's like to celebrate Lent while hating everybody. Ethan and Wes also discuss totally substantiated rumors of more Star Wars stars getting cancelled, irony striking at cockfights, and Satanic cats trying to crash passenger airplanes. This episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast is brought to you by The Word of the Lord Endures, a fifteen minute, verse-by-verse bible study with Pastor Will Weedon. INTRO Kyle is gone for this week, but the Bee turned 5 years old, we have 100,000 subscribers on YouTube now, and comedy pitched to the algorithm gets rejected. Subscriber Dare (We'll do anything to get you to subscribe) Jason Tate writes, "mention my new podcast Caffeinated Theology on a podcast, and I'll upgrade my subscription. (Are y'all still doing that? Lol)" Michael Poush writes, " I was on the fence about subscribing, and then I heard you guys talk about how you'd do anything to get people to subscribe. On further review, I never did come up with anything I wanted; no websites to plug or anything. Can I get a voucher for one free shoutout at a later date? Thanks! Weird News Florida couple find 7-foot alligator lurking in garage Passenger flight turns around in Sudan when stowaway cat attacks pilot There are blue, pink, and green dogs running wild in Russia and I have questions. A rooster killed its owner with a knife. This woman was refused service at a grocery store for not wearing a mask so she did what any ordinary person would do NC-based Marine sentenced for smuggling firearms to Haiti in plot to train army, become president Giant NCAA bracket on Indiana hotel breaks Guinness record Totally substantiated Star Wars Rumors Star Wars land is crazy right now and everyone is getting cancelled. Doug Tennapel in Exile Doug Tennapel joins Ethan and Wes to talk about the week's craziness and also what it's like to celebrate Lent while hating everyone. Hate Mail Chayse says we crossed a line with our cat humor. Heads Up Stay tuned for our upcoming interview with Stryper's Michael Sweet coming next Tuesday! Subscriber Portion Ethan, Wes and a mystery guest talk about showrunning and writing in Hollywood. Mailbag Michelle appreciates how we handled a delicate situation with certain celebrities abandoning the faith. Bonus Hate Mail The Bee Support asks why Anna cancelled us and she says we make fun of conservatives too much. Subscriber Headlines of the Week
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth.
With your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hey, Wes.
Did your tight schedule ever prevent you from sitting down with your Bible?
All the time.
Yeah, constantly.
I've never read the Bible.
Do you sometimes find the Bible confusing?
If I read it, I would.
Well, I read it upside down.
Join Pastor Will Whedon for the word of the Lord Endures Forever, a daily 15-minute verse-by-verse Bible study with the church past and present.
You can listen anytime, anywhere on your commute.
You drive a long way to get here.
I did.
At the gym or while doing housework.
Do you do housework?
I do not do that.
I do a lot.
But I'll start if I can listen to this podcast.
Yeah, that's nice.
Learn more at thewordendures.org or your favorite podcast provider.
The word of the Lord endures forever.
The wordendures.org.
That's what it's called.
Forever.
Forever.
Oh, hello there.
Well, here we are at the Babylon B podcast.
Good to see you there.
It's a special fifth five-year anniversary of the Babylon Be, and to celebrate, we just got rid of Kyle.
Oh, finally.
So this is the first, this is historical.
It's the very first podcast to not have Kyle on it.
That's amazing.
He did one without me on it recently.
So that's revenge.
That makes sense.
Absolutely.
Sure.
Yeah.
So this is Wes Halula, who was recently on, and no complaints that I could see.
Everybody seemed to like you, even though you had all these annoying sound effects you did.
Hey, I brought it with me.
If we need to bring that out, I can do it.
Yeah, it's the backup plan.
Yeah, things start to get quiet.
Now, Kyle's not here, and correct me if I'm wrong, but you guys liked me so much that Kyle quit so that I could take his place.
He got canceled.
He got canceled.
He's out.
Cool.
Yeah, he started a parlor account or something.
I don't know.
He's out.
He's gone.
Good enough.
Yeah, so we're here.
We're doing the podcast, the weekly podcast.
We got a lot of stuff for you.
Oh, and don't forget to like, comment, subscribe.
I've been noticing people in the comments on YouTube.
They're just posting commenting for the algorithm.
I want to be like, I'm like this.
I see them.
Because these are just people just choosing of their own volition to just put a comment because they know that the algorithm will make the video go further.
If they just write something.
Yes, we're clapping for you people.
Thank you.
And thank you.
And if you ever post a question in the comments, I generally check most of them.
We'll answer you.
We're self-obsessed.
And my promise to you is that I will not.
Yeah, he's in and out.
He's too famous.
That's what it is.
All right.
So we've gotten some subscriber dares.
Now, I don't know if these people knew that they'd be on a show without Kyle, who may be really disappointed.
They got ripped off.
Yeah, for sure.
But so Jason Tate said, if you mention my podcast, he'll subscribe.
Oh, yeah?
So the whole idea here is we'll do whatever you ask and you subscribe.
You become a paid subscriber, which is a huge help.
Recently, Facebook is like completely crushing our numbers.
Oh, wow.
It's the first time our numbers are down.
And you can actually see articles that do amazing.
Like it used to be nothing could top our Facebook numbers.
And now a story will do amazing on Twitter and other platforms and it just will be like nothing on Facebook.
Wow.
So their new algorithm they're doing is just like, it's pretty painful.
And you never know what social media is going to do, what to what to you, you know, you're trying to get that stuff out there.
Right.
So if you want to get our stuff, you like what we're doing, subscribing is a huge help.
That's cool.
Yeah.
So Jason has a plan, right?
He wants us to mention his podcast.
Should we do it?
Let's do it.
Okay.
Caffeinated Theology.
That's the name of the podcast.
That's the name.
Have you ever heard it?
I've heard of it.
Heard of it?
Recently.
Recently.
Yeah.
Moments ago.
Moments ago.
But it sounds like Pat said he listened to it.
Dan said he listened to it.
Or watched it.
As a watcher, listen.
It's very watchable.
So it has coffee and theology?
Yeah.
Like beef tombs and stuff.
Yeah.
Two of my favorite things.
Yeah.
I'm in.
So it's like, what kind of coffee do you need to resurrect?
Sort of a pun-based very hilarious.
I'm sure it's a comedy podcast.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Sure.
Because now you're stuck.
Jason Tate has to subscribe.
We'll send our lawyers after you if you don't.
Want to do the next one?
Yeah.
My good friend, Michael Poosh.
P-O-U-S-H.
Paus.
It could be, I don't know.
But he's a good friend of mine.
And he writes, I was on the fence about subscribing.
And then I heard you guys talk about how you do anything to get people to subscribe.
On further review, I never came up with anything I wanted.
No websites to plug or anything.
Can I get a voucher for one free shout out at a later date?
So, yeah, and we'll even figure out how to pronounce it.
Completely.
So he's like Rempel Stiltskin, basically.
One day he'll show up.
Aha!
I figured out what I want.
I want your child that you just gave birth to.
Well, I'm not having any more kids.
Poosh.
You're like, no, it's poosh.
Poosh is here.
We just got pooshed.
You got pooshed.
He should start a show.
All right.
Well, we got a show for you guys this week.
We got what we got.
We got some.
We're going to talk about crazy Star Wars rumors.
There's so many rumors after Gina Crano got fired.
Sham.
The spiral death out there.
Yeah.
Lucasfilm Ranch, whatever it is, out there, Lucasfilm place.
And Kathleen Kennedy.
Oh, yeah, we'll get into it.
Yeah, don't, don't.
It's going to be crazy.
And we're going to be talking to Doug Tenapel in exile, the man, the myth, the legend, Creator, Earth, and Jim.
He has exploded on YouTube.
And we're just going to talk to him.
That's me like our main.
He'll determine the topic.
Our old boss.
We'll try to keep up.
He was our boss on Veggie Tales.
I didn't tell people that.
Me and Wes work together on Veggie Tales.
We did the last time you were on, I think.
Last time.
Yeah.
I think people are tired of hearing about it.
Right.
Yeah.
I've heard enough.
Yeah.
We're going to do some weird news and let's read some hate mail.
So let's get into that weird news.
This news is weird.
Florida couple finds seven-foot alligator lurking in garage.
So my first question is: do alligators ever not lurk?
Yeah.
They're like, what else would he be doing?
And shifting the tires.
Is it, I would, I would say this is not weird news and it's not even news.
Like Florida couple finds a gator in their garage.
Yeah, well, okay.
But it was lurking.
Oh, it was lurking.
Maybe they realized it had been there for like a lurker on the internet that's just been there for a long time.
It wasn't paying rent.
So I get it.
So she said she, the woman said she thought her husband was playing a practical joke on her before she opened the garage door.
I don't get, how'd she know it was in there?
She thought he was in an alligator suit.
Oh, okay, lying on the ground.
Why are you lurking in there?
You nut.
When my husband said there was a gator in the garage, I thought he was kidding.
Oh, I see.
She doesn't believe him.
Yeah.
When I opened the door, I was literally on the other side of the, it was literally on the other side of the door.
So it's lurking right there in the doorway.
What a jerk.
Now I'm terrified that there will be one under my car.
I don't know if it can, if it came from the lake.
I don't know if it came from the reserve.
Maybe I could find an investigator to find out.
Well, that is weird news, Pat.
Pat, it's bizarre.
Oh, my gosh.
There's an alligator in Florida.
Next.
Okay.
Pat.
Now, this might elevate the weirdness here a little bit.
Passenger flight turns around in Sudan when stowaway cat attacks pilot.
I love this.
So they had to turn around.
Yeah.
It's already, it would be good enough if the cat attacked the pilot.
That'd be great.
And it's actually better than if the plane crashed because there's no death and it and the plane just had to go back.
We got to go back.
That's it.
We're taking this cat back.
Was the cat, did the cat want them to go back?
I left my handbag in security or I don't know.
Yeah, it's a demanding.
That's true because cats, like any little tiny sharp thing you have on your person, they take from you at the airport.
That's right.
So you don't realize what power cats have.
They will.
They're like, ah, there's little sharp stuff.
They got those little claws.
Yeah.
It's deadly.
They can't be on planes.
So the flight was from Khartoum to Doha.
Oh, that's a nice thing.
Did you ever make that flight?
That's crazy.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
You can see the desert.
Made an emergency landing in Khartoum.
What did they say in their radio?
There's a cat attacking Frank.
It's all over his face.
Go to Khartoum.
Go to Khartoum.
Khartoum.
Emergency landing.
The crew attempted to capture the feline, but the flight turned around when they found themselves unable to wrangle the stowaway.
That is unbelievable.
Have you ever witnessed a cat that's lost it?
Yeah.
Like they just.
There's nothing you can do.
Like we had my friend was watching his friend's cat and brought it to our house.
And cats don't like being moved locations.
Oh, interesting.
Our cat, when we moved to a new house, just freaked out and just disappeared.
Never seen it since.
Wow.
Check your old house.
I tried.
I would drive by it to try to find it and it just is gone.
Wow.
It's probably dead.
Yeah.
Oh, I'm sure.
It was pretty tough, though.
Is it like a real one of those cats that's always bringing dead stuff in?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
It's probably good.
That's awesome.
My friend's cat freaked out.
I was doing this, you know, that thing that makes like human noises.
Like, and it was backed against a wall.
And I'm not kidding.
It had covered the wall behind it in cat poop.
Just like it was like rubbing it.
It's just blasting it all over the wall and just like every time you come close to it, it's hacking.
Wow.
So I came with a brilliant idea and I got a PVC pipe and then I aligned a guitar cord through the PVC pipe and I created one of those animal control loops.
Unbelievable.
And I caught it and then we put it into its kennel because it wouldn't, nobody could go near it.
Wow.
And yeah.
So if it was like that, maybe you got to stop the plane.
Are you happy that this cat is gone?
Oh, this was a different cat.
Oh, it's a different cat.
Yeah, my friend brought multiple cats.
So it was my friend's cat at my house.
So the cat was like three deep in Strangers.
So this is like freaking out.
I was going to say, when I moved as a kid, we had to do the same thing to my sister.
She just freaked out and backed up.
Oh, that your sister strapped all over the wall.
Women, man.
Yeah.
I don't have a sister.
So everybody knows that.
That's why they got it.
That's why they thought it was hilarious.
Okay.
News of the weird.
Keep going.
All right.
Now that's cat news.
But now in dog news, there are blue, pink, and green dogs running wild in Russia.
And I have questions.
That's the headline.
From Not the Bee, from our sister site, Not the Bee, if you ever want to read news site news that's real, but sounds kind of like it came from the Babylon Bee.
Love it.
So nobody really knows that there's just multicolored dogs in Russia just running around Russia.
It was assumed some unnatural process created the dogs.
It's not as if being blue confers some Darwinian advantage to the dogs given their habitat.
What is this from the site?
Where would a blue dog blend into its surroundings?
Wait, what?
This is like the site being funny.
Yeah, that's right.
It's a hilarious sight.
I'm sorry I didn't laugh at that.
I'm paid to say it's hilarious.
They had theories.
The factory.
So it's some factory.
They get a dog factory?
It's like a Chernobyl-esque factory out in the middle of nowhere in Russia.
So this is like the government.
And they covered nobody would admit, like, we can't do this.
The dogs will be multicolored.
I'm not telling the boss.
You can't tell the boss.
And then, like, oh, multicolored dogs.
Multicolored dogs.
They break free.
They're running wild in the.
And so the guy who was responsible, they found he tried to blow the whistle and he's been executed.
That's right.
That's right.
And my theory is that they, you know, if the question is whether there are natural dogs that are blue, I think that's possible because humans, when they get old, maybe these are just old dogs because humans, when they get old, they get blue hair, right?
Yeah, I always thought it was a stretch to say blue.
Yeah.
I don't know enough about it.
Yeah.
And then there's pink and green.
So punk dogs.
Yeah, there you go.
Okay, so a rooster.
This is better than the Florida Gator story for sure.
A rooster kills its owner with a knife.
It gets better, though.
A rooster fitted with a knife for an illegal cockfight in southern India has killed its owner, sparking a manhunt for the organization's event.
Not a manhunt for the roosters.
Yeah, that's enough.
The organizers of these at large.
The bird had a knife attached to its leg when it inflicted serious wound to the man's groin as it tried to escape.
What a way to go.
Oh my gosh.
That's like, there's a strange irony to that being how you die when you are trying to have a cocktail.
Have a cockfight.
Absolutely.
We didn't say that.
I don't know if he can say that.
It's almost insinuated, but we didn't swear.
It's right there.
It's right there.
It's all in there.
Okay.
So the rooster was briefly held at a local police station before it was sent to a poultry farm.
We may need to produce it before the court said, Jivine.
Jivan.
Jiivan.
So the rooster's going to court.
It's being held at the silence of the lambs type of poultry farm.
Poultry farm.
And they might need to testify later in court.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing with the truth?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, this woman was refused service at a grocery store for not wearing a mask.
So she did what any ordinary person would do.
She took off her underwear and put them on her face.
That's what I would do.
Sure.
I would do that with maybe.
No.
Depends on the day, the time of day, what I've been through that day.
Sure.
Yeah.
What you had for lunch.
Yeah, exactly.
Right.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's super disturbing.
Apparently, there's a video that you should probably never watch.
Right.
But yeah, that's been documented.
Okay.
North Carolina-based Marine sentenced for smuggling firearms into Haiti and plot to train Army and become president.
It's good to have aspirations.
I guess.
He was inspired by our own politics here in the U.S.
No, that central.
So prosecutors allege that DeRosso.
So maybe he was like of Haitian descent or something.
He's got a French name.
Smuggled the weapons to train Haiti's army in foreign armed conflict.
Court documents also say that DeRosso planned to get caught at the airport in Haiti with the weapons so that he could, quote, gain a platform to make a statement.
So his plan to overthrow the country is to buy a bunch of guns and then get caught with them at the airport.
That's probably going to work.
I've seen worse.
Okay.
All right.
And finally, giant, this is for Kyle.
We miss you, Kyle.
Kyle's out.
Rest in peace.
His wife's sick.
He's taking care of his family.
Oh, he's alive.
He's alive.
Okay.
His family's not.
Well, they're alive.
Giant NCAA bracket on Indiana Hotel breaks Guinness World Record.
Oh, I love the Guinness Booker World Records.
So they just painted a big thing on the hotel?
Yeah, a giant NCWA bracket.
I bet it was four giant open lobbies, and they just had like a massive.
It's a screen.
It's a screen.
A screen?
They just projected it?
Yeah.
That's super.
Does that count?
No, that is.
Projecting?
I don't know.
I don't even care.
Let's not even look at it.
That's just a step better than the Gator story, honestly.
All right.
So if you're keeping up with Star Wars news, I mean, I know I do.
In fact, Kyle's going to be mad that I'm talking about Star Wars when he's in here because I'm always rolling my eyes.
But because I've been so entrenched in the Gina Carano stuff, I'm now getting all these Star Wars videos in my feed, and there's tons of them.
Yep.
And there's like, there's guys that put out like 13 Star Wars videos a day that like are all like, and they're all speculation and gossip.
Wow.
You heard some of the gossip?
Oh, I've heard.
I've heard.
I keep my finger on the pulse of that whole scene for sure.
Pulse of Star Wars.
Gossip.
Not Star Wars, Star Wars gossip.
Like Kathleen Kennedy.
Yeah.
She's like, what happened?
She's like trying to ruin everything.
Oh, I've heard a little bit about that.
Yeah.
But she's also just freaking out because Disney's, somebody's mad because she fired Gina Carano.
So she's just freaking out.
So she's got...
That's just a rumor.
She's alone in her apartment drinking just bottle after bottle of Chardonnay.
Wow.
Watching Sex in the City alone, crying under her blankets.
And at least that's the alleged what's happening.
And then when we know that Jon Favreau's silent, his silence is deafening.
It is deafening.
What else?
Well, speaking of Gina Carano, she was fired because she wasn't a puppet.
Right.
It's not even a rumor.
It's a puppet show, really, if you think about what it is.
It's a puppet puppet.
It's a puppet.
It's a bunch of puppets.
So they fired Jareena Carana Zadruno.
And they've replaced her since she wouldn't be a puppet.
They've replaced her with actual puppets.
And actual factory puppets.
Jim Henson factory puppets.
Frank Gauss will be playing her.
Frank Hawz is a voice singer.
This is a rumor.
It's exciting.
It is exciting.
If true.
Big if true.
Yeah.
And I guess they're hiring Lena Dunham just because why not hire on there?
Yeah.
And then Ryan John Rian Rain Johnson.
Yeah.
He's been given the green light.
It's pronounced Jonsen.
Jonsen.
He's going to destroy all original copies of the trilogy, the original trilogy.
He's been given the green light to do that?
Yeah, so he can go into your house.
What?
He can whisper into your ear at night to erase your memory.
He doesn't exist.
Yeah.
That's all a lie.
Man, if that's true, that makes me so mad.
I got the green light.
So it's happening.
I love it.
Kathleen Kennedy did it.
And then also, Kathleen Kennedy mandated that all stormtroopers have to wear COVID masks over their masks.
Over the helmets.
Yeah.
Well, I agree with that.
I think that's going to be safe.
That's a good message.
Yeah, exactly.
It's good optics.
I heard that the little rat guy in Job of the Hut's Layer, you know him as Salacious Crumb.
They fired him because he wasn't shrill enough.
Oh, yeah.
So he was outspoken, but not outspoken.
But not outspoken.
He didn't need to shriek more.
Did he say enough?
He did not.
So he'll be added to the spit where it's being cranked.
That's right.
Getting cooked.
That's right.
Right.
So a lot of other actors are being canceled.
Bill Burr.
Oh, that makes sense.
Right.
He's canceled.
Well, they're trying to cancel the Ashoka girl.
Wow.
What's her name?
Ahsoka.
Ahsoka.
Ashika.
I think it's Ahsoka.
What's her name?
Rosaro Dawson.
Yeah.
Something turf or something?
I don't know.
Man.
They're canceling her.
They're canceling Bill Burr.
What did he do?
Well, he was Bill Burr.
He's Bill Burr.
Yeah, they finally looked at his YouTube clips.
Yeah, it's why did they put him on in the first place?
Because it's Bill Burr.
He's Bill Burr.
Yeah.
But they're replacing him.
This is just a rumor with Bill Maher.
Bill Maher.
He'll get canceled.
Yeah, he'll get canceled.
James Earl Jones is getting canceled.
Wait, is he alive?
Well, if he's alive still, I haven't heard his voice in a while.
Either way, he's gone.
Even if he's dead, they're going to cancel him.
The puppeteers of the Sarlock pit, all of them canceled.
Right.
Because they won't keep their hands themselves.
This is going to blow your mind.
Jawa number four.
Right.
Canceled.
The fourth one.
The fourth one.
That's my favorite one.
I think he was the only one who went, he's gone.
Yeah, apparently he started a parlor account.
Oh, that was it.
Yeah.
There was an ATAT that got canceled.
Really?
Really stepped in it.
Hey, yo.
Oh, zing.
No, this is going to blow your mind.
They literally canceled the entire planet Alderan.
Aldron?
Canceled.
Gone.
Just blown out.
You know, and then so there's those frog parents.
There's like a frog mom and a frog dad.
Oh, in the Mandalorian.
Yeah.
With the eggs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they bring them across the galaxy to.
Yeah.
Good point.
Apparently, it turns out they're very pro-life.
Oh, because they're protecting in the stack, like these eggs are just like, come on, get over it.
Those are not frogs.
It's just a bundle of eggs.
Those are just eggs.
A bundle of cells in a circle.
Yeah.
Canceled.
Also, Watto.
Watto.
Which one's Watto?
I have no idea.
Who's Watto?
Oh, I remember the flying.
Oh, yeah.
There's a picture will pop up of him.
They'll put it on there.
Canceled.
Well, yeah, it was a Me Too thing.
I see.
Yeah.
That's basically like Harvey Weinstein with a weird snout wings.
Just in case.
They're canceling him just sort of as a preventative.
He just looks enough like Harvey Weinstein that.
Yeah, I better get him.
So there you go.
They're your giant, like crazy rumors.
Don't hold us accountable.
Star Wars rumors.
I like it.
All right.
Well, we're going to talk to Doug Tenaple and see what he has to say.
Nice.
He's keeping everybody up on the news on YouTube.
His channel's blowing up.
And so, well, let's talk to Uncle Doug.
Okay.
All right.
Well, you may have seen him on the YouTubes.
No, you may have seen him on our show back when we had him on multiple times.
But if you hadn't, this is Doug Tenapel.
And now he's in exile.
Are you in exile right now?
I'm so in exile.
I was the first one here.
Where have you all been?
We're trying to get to exile, but you paved the way for the rest of California, didn't you?
I was canceled when the bar was very high to be canceled.
Now it's down on the floor.
You're in Tennessee.
What's Tennessee like?
Are people wearing masks everywhere?
Are they like done with that?
I was surprised.
It started telling me how woke this place is because you can always tell by how many masks are being worn, like in church and stuff like that.
I was surprised at how many for how conservative this town is, how many people were wearing masks.
It's kind of like the number of vegetarians and feminists always go up, you know, in percentage, what the more masks there are.
Right.
And now everybody's wearing double masks.
So, and Texas opened up.
And then Mississippi just opened up.
Yep.
Mississippi opened up.
It's happening now.
Now everyone's going back to, now it's going to be a race for market share of who can go back to work and make the most money.
Yeah.
I mean, that's the thing.
It's like you have to have somebody has to start.
And then everyone else is paranoid and they're like, they're not dying yet.
Yeah.
But they can't, they have a rule.
They can't open up.
This is my conspiracy.
I'm trying not to be conspiratorial, but they cannot open up the masks fully and have everyone go back to work before they pass the $2 trillion pork spending bill.
Because if the economy just comes roaring back without needing that help, they're going to be like, how are we going to get all our money to all those trans operations?
One, I'm serious now.
I read an article.
I think it was on science.com.
98% of the money is going to trans operations of the stimulus package.
It was on science.com.
Experts agree.
It's science.
You can't argue with science.
Stimulus.com.
The world will just change overnight.
Now, I have a theory that there will be, so people, you know, sort of on the left will be very angry at states opening up until a very blue state opens up.
And then it'll be like, well, yeah, now it's actually okay.
Oh, it's fine.
Now it's totally fine.
And those guys were idiots for doing it yesterday, but we did it today.
I think that's going to happen.
It has to be a legit blue state, not a fake one like Arizona.
It has to be legit, right?
It has to be like California or New York.
Yeah, exactly.
It'll be New York.
It's Massachusetts.
There's all the power that they lose the moment that they give up on this.
That's why I can't see it ending.
Because with mail-in voting and everything, and all the different things that they can manipulate and like, well, but there'll be some sort of like, well, we waited until the, what's the word?
When you get the needle in your arm?
Vaccine.
Vaccine.
Wes.
It's a big word.
No, this was on science.com.
So when you get to a certain level of vaccines, they're like, that's why we had, we waited for the certain number and the vaccine number.
Dr. Fauci told us to wait for.
Right, right.
And then it'll be, the numbers will be the same in all of those states.
And it's going to be, but they'll be like, yeah, but we were right.
We were right.
I'm not saying anything right after the vaccine's done.
It's like everyone's going to be just have an overwhelming desire to buy Windows products.
I'm not saying anything.
The vaccine.
The thousand milestare must buy inferior operating system.
And Ted Cook's like, why didn't we think of this?
Dang it.
So smart.
So what else is in the news, Doug?
You keep up on the news now.
You're putting videos out every day.
Yeah.
I hate everything.
That's no secret to anyone.
And news doesn't help that problem.
Exactly.
What's funny is that when I read anything remotely like MSN news or CNN news, the slant is just so bury the needle.
You know, it'll be like, you know, Trump found a cure for cancer, but hates his mom.
You know, they're like, they always throw that in written in the article with a straight face as if we don't know what they're doing now.
They've just given up on credibility.
So I read all kinds of news now, and I read a lot of international news too, which when you realize, just in case everyone here thinks that like, oh, Californians, they're all like, this state is screwed up until you go to like every other state and you're like, all of them are screwed up.
And now I'm reading stuff in India and it's like, no, everywhere is screwed up.
That's why I hate everything.
Yeah.
It's like it's the human condition almost.
It's like that.
It's similar.
And now the new thing is the president thing, right?
Is when are we going to hear from Biden live?
Oh, yeah, he hasn't talked for a while.
Has he ever given a press conference?
Man, they hid him for the entire election cycle.
They didn't let him talk, which that was a smart move on their part, really.
Yeah, it's incredibly smart for him to not have a press conference either, right?
If it's going the way I think it's going to go, right?
Right.
Yep.
Yeah.
Well, okay, so I thought of a great name for the bat for a new, you know, Babylon B, there's a lot of guys that hate Trump.
So you need to branch off because we all have to divide everything now and start off and create our own tribe and brand.
We call it the Babylon Re Babylon Rex for all the Trump complainers, like Ethan.
All the Trump babies.
Wow.
I might have to join the RE.
Honestly, I'll be frank with you.
This is on the RE.
I, like you, I hate everything.
I post something online.
Why don't you include Trump in your hate everything?
Yeah, come on.
Well, why did you think it didn't?
Of course I hate it.
Of course I hate him.
He's a very hatable guy.
Of course I know, no.
Everyone else is more hateable than Trump.
I'm only saying I also hate him.
Oh, I see.
I see.
Yeah.
So there's an element of the B that's anti-Trump.
People would be shocked by that.
Well, they're not politically kind of never Trumpish.
There's some.
I mean, I feel like it's pretty common among conservatives.
They're like, they aren't crazy about him from the beginning.
Right.
But I think that some of us warmed up to him some more as things went on.
Still conflicted.
I mean, you know, I still think he's like the ideal candidate for president.
But like at the same time, I think that what got me to vote, I didn't vote for him the first time.
I did vote for him the second time.
Yeah.
And what got me to do that is it's less about how insane I didn't part of it is that like I was scared at first.
I had no idea what to expect from a Trump presidency.
And I really did think, could he become this megalomaniacal destroyer of worlds or something, blowing up countries?
And he really wasn't that.
And then the left just went so, so crazy that I just, I could, I did not want them to have any power.
That was really what it came down to.
One reason that I hate him is he didn't declare a war on China and North Korea and really the whole world.
And Canada.
Especially Canada.
Freaking jerks.
They always pronounce a boot and all that.
They're so fake, nice.
They're half French.
That alone is a reason.
Well, the fact that full thermonuclear, full-scale thermonuclear.
And we should construct a virus and send it over to them.
Monkey bat or something.
Get eating some bats.
Well, praise the Lord for that.
That would be wonderful.
Seems like something, someone should do something about.
And, you know, their military can't be that strong.
They have a ton of property.
They're already, we're already landlocked.
You might as well just full-on take them over.
There was some comedian back in the 90s, I wish I could remember who it was, but he had this whole bit about we should just go to war with Canada just because we would win so easily.
And he said we could call it Operation Leaf Blower.
I think that's brilliant.
We'll figure out who said that in post.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
But what's great is you guys laughed as though I said it.
And yeah, you got the credit.
I got the warm fuzzies.
You win.
You shouldn't have credited that guy, dummy.
Wes, you take those.
That's how we do it at the B. Notice how I said B like I'm on staff now.
That's how we do it.
That's how we do it at the B.
Well, now I just got back from Lent service church, which was great.
And they were talking about, I'm only allowed to talk about this because this is the B and we're allegedly Christian.
Is that the pastor was talking about how everyone's like, when's everything going to go back to normal?
And he kind of alluded to the disciples being lost before Christ, you know, is sent on the cross.
And I just kind of thought how little and how really trivial our anguish is right now.
Like we're sad, and yeah, there's a pandemic and stuff, but you know, this is kind of back when we, when it was the glory days of two years ago, um, that was the abnormal freak show that we should have been looking at each other going, why is everything so good?
Like, this is outrageously weird.
And now there's a pandemic and a near vegetable in the White House, and everyone hates each other, no one's having to wear two masks.
This is the norm of human history.
This is normal.
I actually 100% agree with that.
I'm kind of a history nerd.
And the more you sort of like soak in all of these biographies and stories, you're like, well, we only have one thing to worry about right now.
Like, even the 1918 pandemic, the Spanish flu, they had World War I and the pandemic.
And what was the disease that was wiping people out?
Polio.
Yeah, it was literally like everything.
It was racism, Wes.
There was some of that, but literally like everything was trying to kill them all the time.
And we just have one thing.
And it's not even trying very hard.
Yeah.
We're just, yeah, I'm fine.
And we're all like, how can things get worse?
Good job, 2021.
I get on my cell phone and I'm eating all my, we have like a too many calories problem.
I have too many carbs.
I have too much food.
Is my, that's my burden to bear.
My life is hard.
That's my, they're putting my people on a train.
It's, I have too many carbs.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
Uh, history has, you know, we are living in like the easiest time in all of human history for sure.
Yeah, so stop and say thanks for a second, guys.
Thank God that you got to count your blessings because it's only terrible if you only think about them after they're taken away.
Yeah.
So think of the good and your family and your friends and laughter.
And even in woke culture, everyone's like complaining like, oh, Mr. Potato Head got switched out to whatever.
I'm just kind of going, that's kind of a low bar for your Holocaust if Mr. Potato Head got changed.
Right.
Gina Carano got fired, you know.
And I know, look, I mourn with her because it's not funny to her, but I'm just saying in general, it's not like all of our lives are in crisis.
Right.
Things are pretty good.
Yeah, part of it.
Yeah, it's kind of, it's fun.
The silliness of everything is kind of, we get to laugh at Mr. Potato Head being canceled.
It's so stupid.
Yeah, Ethan, how can your job be any easier than today?
Exactly.
How can, by the way, you guys, there's a couple of them where I, you know, I'm a member, so I get the email and everything.
And I was dying laughing.
Like, usually the bee's good for one laugh a day.
These all three.
I was calling out to my assistant, Bo, Bo, and I'd read about to him, and he would laugh.
They were, you guys were on fire this week.
Thank you.
Good job, writers.
Yeah, on fire.
All right.
Well, thank you, Doug.
Thanks for the uplifting message of thankfulness and gratitude.
And hate.
Thank you for that.
Bombing China.
Bomb China.
Observe Lent.
We're looking forward to Easter is coming.
Easter's coming.
Easter's coming.
That is a good thing.
And check out Doug Tenaple.
Is it Doug in Exile or Doug Tenaple in Exile?
It's Doug Tanaple in Exile.
You just get there by putting Doug Tenaple or in Exile in YouTube.
And usually my videos will come up.
It's just like, it's like pro-Trump porn.
It's just a lot of our audience will like that.
It really is like I'm the biggest cheerleader for him because so many people hate it.
I'm just having fun.
Yeah.
Do you feel like, see, as a never Trumper, do you feel like you want to hang out with that guy?
Like, do you think like, I understand like, you know, judges and some things are good, but like, would you enjoy spending even five minutes with him?
I wouldn't enjoy spending time with anyone remotely associated with New York.
Yeah.
Right.
Exactly.
That is a state full of.
Flower beds.
Yeah.
In fact, the entire East Coast really could get just cut off and float off into the ocean.
I'm from California, so they all seem so Thurston Howell-ish, you know, on their yachts and their upper crust Boston thing.
I'm like, I hate all of them.
Yeah.
So his problem, first of all, is being a New Yorker, not being the president or orange or anything like that.
Right.
And just kind of the rich people.
I never really hang out with those people.
I like rednecks and poor.
I'd rather hang out with almost any homeless person would be more fascinating.
I'm 100% with you on that.
I agree.
We have some common ground here.
Common ground between the Trump pornographer and the never Trumper.
My problem is if you have a remotely woke youth pastor, I would get into a hacksaw with Trump before I go have lunch with him.
Because he would make my skin crawl right off my body and run out the door.
Which one?
I'd walk around like an illustrated man.
I'd look like Hellraiser.
Well, amen to that too, I guess.
I don't know.
Right.
Let's answer your question, Wes.
Did I answer your question?
No, I think that's great.
I like it.
I think we might have a lot more common ground than you think.
That's right.
See, now me and you could hang out and make fun of both Trump and your youth.
Exactly.
Exactly.
100%.
And it would beg the question, why do I have a youth pastor?
I think there'd be a lot of questions.
Wes is much older than you think he is.
Yeah, that's right.
Yep.
No, I meant that.
I meant the youth pastor that works at your church.
I already know everything about him.
I've never met him and you've never talked about him.
I've already got him zeroed in.
I already know.
Tell him I said remove his ironic tattoo and to go chop wood.
That's what I said.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Wes will send that message off.
I'm tweeting him right now.
We will thank you for joining us, Doug.
It has been.
Pleasure.
Good fun, man.
Good to see you.
I really miss Adam Ford.
All right, this week's hate mail.
I actually haven't actually read this yet, but I'm kind of excited to.
We did an article called, Is Your Cat Satan?
It's like seven signs that your cat might be Satan.
Sure.
And I think they could have used that on a Boeing 747 recently.
They needed to read that article.
They did.
They should have.
Maybe they just made him turn around.
Oh, it's Satan.
So, yeah, somebody didn't like our message about the cats.
So this person's name is Chase.
Chase says, love your site, but you crossed a line with the cat is Satan article as a rescuer.
He's a mouse?
Is he a mouse that rides on seagulls?
Yeah, I think so.
I'm appalled that you would suggest tying a cat up in a sack and throwing it in a bog.
That you would suggest that even in jest.
Jess, that's not funny.
Animal abuse is a serious problem in the world.
Just recently, one of my friends rescued a cat that had been tied up and thrown in the river, not a bog.
Another was found submerged in its carrier seconds from drowning.
That's sad.
I'm not saying that's not sad.
actually horrible to even joke about torturing animals is irresponsible on your part some moron will think it's okay to do that's where you lose me at the end there well let me just say this there if you are a moron yes don't drown your cats right okay do my advice to morons yeah is don't be a moron that's step one do smart stuff yeah and then as you're getting ready to do things ask yourself is this a thing a moron would do And if it is, then don't do that thing.
Don't do that thing.
Do something else.
That's just a general rule for life.
And if you apply that, then you can read the Babylon D and not imitate every article.
Yeah.
Like it's an ask.
Ask Abby or whatever.
It's a call to action.
A call to action.
Yes.
Yeah, that's good.
Thanks.
Thanks for watching the message to the moron.
We're sorry, Chase.
We're only saying if the cat turns out to actually be Satan, then actually follow because all that stuff's not sad if it's Satan.
Satan's tied up in a burlap sack, thrown in a bog.
Right.
Celebrate.
And, you know, not to bring the scripture into it, but didn't Jesus send demons into pigs and they ran into the bog and drowned.
Not in a bog.
I mean, really.
The ocean, but yeah.
Probably a boggy ocean.
And weren't people kind of upset that that happened?
Wouldn't pigs like a bog?
I would think.
They like mud.
They do.
Maybe it was an act of but they are mammals.
They have to breathe.
They do have to breathe.
Yeah.
They can't breathe mud, though they seem like they try.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Good talk.
Thanks for bringing the theology in because this is a Christian podcast.
See?
All right.
Well, we got some fun to be had.
We have a special guest, an old friend of ours, is joining us only for the subscriber portion.
And other than that, we're going to read some, we have bonus hate mail.
Oh.
And we'll be reading some of our subscriber headlines.
So yeah, the rest of you, we'll see you next time.
But oh, you know, I want to mention also, check out the interview show coming up.
We're going to be interviewing Michael Sweet, the lead singer of Striper.
Yes.
Hell of the devil.
Hell of the devil.
Right.
And all of his cats.
All right.
Well, that's the show.
That was fun.
All right.
Let's go put on our smoking jackets.
All right.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
Knowing what you would do, if you had to go get a job washing dishes, if you knew that you would do whatever it took to pay whatever bills needed to be paid, that's what you need to bring into marriage.
It's not get some great big career and then get out and get married.
It's who you are, not what you are.
So great.
We advertise a special guest.
It's Patrick.
You got me.
Okay, write a script with a lot of action in it.
All right.
This script has way too much action in it.
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to babylonbee.com slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.