Prophecies Fulfilled, GameStop Stonks, Impeaching A Former President | Babylon Bee Weekly
Kyle and Ethan from The Babylon Bee talk about Gavin Newsom lifting lockdowns, GameStop stonks, and the impeachment of a former president. They also throw down in an epic rap battle and tell you how you can have a zoo name a roach after your ex. Introduction Kyle and Ethan have a rap battle so you will throw money at them. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes his trusty Leatherman Rebar. Ethan likes his new collection of G.K. Chesterton poems signed by the man himself. Weird News Zoo offers to name roaches, rats after patrons' ex-lovers GoPro camera recovered after six years underwater in Hawaii Skier chased by a bear at Romanian resort Inventor unveils airbag jeans to protect motorcyclists in crashes Oklahoma bill would establish a Bigfoot hunting season Toronto woman finds knife-wielding squirrel in the back yard Man catches 54 pieces of popcorn in his mouth in one minute Stories of the Week Story 1 'You Can Reopen Now!' Governor Newsom Shouts At Row Of Abandoned, Dilapidated Buildings Story 2 GameStop Announces That Due To Skyrocketing Stock, They Can Now Afford To Pay Up To 25 Cents For Your Used Games Story 3 Congress To Retroactively Impeach All Previous Republican Presidents Topic of the Week https://babylonbee.com/news/another-10-fulfilled-prophecies-from-the-babylon-bee Hate Mail Richard takes issue with us assuming the fate of the eternal soul of Jeffrey Epstein or making light of hell. Subscriber Portion Subscriber Update Mailbag A LOVE MAIL from Joseph R. and asking for advice on marriage & purity, and also to dispute Kyle and Dan's ranking of LOTR films. Bonus Hate Mail Kwame thinks our AOC coverage is bad and we should feel bad. Subscriber Headlines of the Week Got Any Cool Stories? We get an unbelievable update about one of Calvins- you already know which one.
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hey, everybody.
It's the Babylon B. I'm Kyle Mann.
I'm the editor-in-chief of the Babylon B. How's it going?
I'm Ethan the Cole, bro.
Oh, man, righteous.
Righteous.
Yeah.
The Lord just loves you guys.
We just want you guys to just feel, just come as you are.
We just want to love on you.
We just love you.
All over you.
We just want to do life together, man.
We have love and we want to pour it on you.
Yeah.
Like a bucket of salami.
Ah, like, like syrup.
Like, you guys are toast, and God's love is like syrup.
And melting butter.
And then we just want to pour the melted butter over you, man.
Oh, man.
And we just want to remind you to bring your friends to the big event this Wednesday night.
Righteous.
We're going to have a slip and slide.
We're going to have it covered in jello.
Foo fight.
There's going to be a food fight.
A big food fight.
Are you serious?
Food fight.
We're going to put marshmallows in our faces until someone throws up.
And we're going to jump in the pool in our clothes.
What?
You're crazy.
Because we're crazy for Jesus.
Oh, yeah.
But really, this is not the Babylon Bee youth group.
This is the Babylon Bee podcast where you hang out with the Babylon B writers and stuff.
And here it is.
And you're all gone now.
And you thought you had the wrong podcast.
What the heck?
What the heck is this?
Did I just accidentally play the relevant podcast?
That's how they talk.
I always imagine we just assume so.
NPR sounding.
Overall.
I don't know.
Relevant?
That sounds such a, it's a desperate name.
That's like naming your podcast important.
This is weird.
I don't know.
And we just want to report that Jen Hadmaker has said something very biblically true and literate.
And we just love her so much.
I assume.
That's what I'm kind of thinking.
Gotcha.
Okay, well, no, this is the Babylon B podcast.
So we wanted to mention that last week, Daryl had written in.
Daryl.
And he had asked us to, what did he ask us to do?
Make fun of you.
Make fun of you for saying darn.
That's right.
Dang.
Dang.
And he said he would subscribe.
And I checked, and he did.
All right.
He subscribed.
Now, he only picked the $5 a month plan.
What a cheapscape.
Seems a little cheap.
Yeah.
For us dedicating a solid thing.
We're going to see if he deletes it next month.
Oh, and then he'll just cancel.
It's not worth it.
Yeah, then it wouldn't be worth it.
Well, it was worth it.
I got to mock you.
But as part of a new segment where Kyle and Ethan sell ourselves, become sellouts.
I'm trying to not use a word.
Ethan and Kyle sell themselves to get you to prostitute our souls.
There you go.
That's a better word than the one I was thinking.
Get you to subscribe we had someone Who wrote in for this Who was this?
We had a name.
Someone asked us to do a rap battle and said if we did a rap battle.
Oh, here, here it is.
It's Nathan Bears.
Okay.
And he says, you said you would do anything if we promised to subscribe.
Anything.
Anything we ask, if we promise to subscribe.
I'm almost ready to quit freeloading this close.
He's close.
Yeah, he's right on the verge.
The one thing that could nudge me over the edge would be if Kyle and Ethan have a rap battle on the podcast.
You got to take it seriously, though.
How would we take it seriously?
I don't know.
So can Dan get on the mic?
And then, Dan, there's a list of topics on there.
And then whenever you say the topic, we have to switch to that topic and switch and switch sides.
And I believe the goal of a rap battle is to insult each other.
Yeah, see, I don't know.
This is where I'm.
You've seen the movie bodied.
Yeah, I know, but I'm just not good at it.
Well, no, neither am I. That's why it's.
But it'll be interesting.
We're not doing it to be cool.
We're doing it to get money.
That's true.
Or at least to get the Babylon B money.
We're doing it to get money.
All right, here we go.
The Babylon B rap battle for money.
Kyle versus Ethan.
Wait, do we need a rap name?
We each have a rap name?
Yeah.
Can I be vanilla soft serve?
I'll be heavy E. All right.
All right, we got V Soft Serve and Vanilla.
And what was your name?
Heavy E. Heavy E.
Yeah, yeah.
And heavy E. Or E Thang.
We need someone to like do the.
Isn't there a person in the middle that's like judging it?
Oh, we have to be.
Yeah, they have to, whenever we make a good rap, they're going to go, oh, all right, DJ, spin that stuff.
Drop it.
Drop that beat.
Oh, Epstein.
Epstein.
Epstein.
Bring it.
Epstein hanging in his cell because of Hillary Clinton.
And your name is Winston.
And yeah, you're going to be hanging in your cell because you know what?
You're going to heck.
Oh.
Heron.
Heron.
Here on this podcast, you say hair on all wrong because when I hit the gong, you try to sing a song.
But you are nothing but a big ding-dong.
You got it all wrong.
King and check.
You're like Cheech and Chong.
Smoking your weed in the back of a bong ho.
Chick-fil-A.
Chick-fil-A.
It's my pleasure.
And you're hanging out at Chick-fil-A because that's what you like to eat all day.
And you like to get the sauce, the Polynesian style.
You eat a lot, way more than Kyle.
John the Baptist.
Camel hair bikini.
I think I want to eat some linguine.
You look a little bit like a little bit teeny, like a little teeny bopper, like Dennis Hopper.
You think that you're like to ride around in a chopper?
Get through the chopper.
I want to teach you like a sloppy Joe, like Larry Curly and Moe.
You're a schmo, bro.
DMT.
Straight-bodied.
Yo, yo, you like to do drugs because you're all bugged out in the head.
Like, because your head's full of lead, man.
You do the DMT.
You see those machine elves.
You do the DMT because you're dead like RBG.
Oh!
Is it over?
I don't think Dan's ever led a rap battle.
I don't think I've ever been in a rap battle.
I've never been either.
But you did pretty good.
I think you might have a future.
It didn't make any sense.
Yeah.
So now do we need to do the who was going to win?
Like, someone puts their hand over Ethan, like, what about this guy?
And then the crowd's like, the two guys here.
No, the comments can decide.
And then I slink away from eight miles.
Shame.
Mic drop.
So I said John the Baptist.
What were you talking about, Ethan?
Camel hair bikini.
That's all I had left for John the Baptist.
It's like all I had that is one off that because he wears camel hair bikini.
Camel hair.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Do you think this was worth it to get a $5 a month subscriber possible?
It's obnoxious.
We'll do the sequel in the subscriber portion.
Freaking beautiful.
All right.
Let's do some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
If you're a man, you might not actually be a man if you don't have one of these.
If for the people that are listening.
Specify people that are listening might be like using their imaginations.
It's a Leatherman tool.
Okay.
I used to have a Leatherman tool that my dad gave me that he had grown up with or had had for years.
He gave it to me.
I lost it.
It's like passed down generations and it's like, whatever.
Yeah.
So I finally got one.
This is my Leatherman Rebar.
I feel like every father needs one of these because...
I need one.
Can somebody get me one?
Because if your kids are like, dude, I can't get the tag off my shirt.
And it's like a Clint Eastwood Western.
What do you need?
Yeah.
What's it gotten there?
What's it gotten there?
have the corkscrew if you're single you want to impress a woman and you're like you know out with her when she's like oh i can't get that you just swim in and she's like yeah Needle nose.
Yeah.
You need pliers?
I got them.
You need.
Can you know, you know what every single thing on there does?
I think on this one.
There's a lot of them where it's like, this one cracks a sepia nut.
Like some like rammed nut no one's ever heard of.
So I do have also have a Swiss Army knife.
That's the old school.
This one has like.
Wait, why do you have both?
Why not?
It's overcompensating.
This one has a hook.
The parcel.
I tried to Google to figure out what this hook does.
It says it's a parcel hook.
So if you're carrying a parcel that is wrapped in a tiny string, you can make shift a handle for it.
That's perfect.
Which it's like an incredibly specific.
And then probably the one time that I'll have to carry one, I'll be like, oh no, I forgot my pocket knife.
My parcel hook.
Anyway, get one of these and you will impress your wife and or future wife.
All right.
My stuff that's good is just kind of gloating.
If you follow into my social media accounts, you've already seen me gloating about this.
But my brother, who's incredibly generous, bought me GK Chesterton collected poems.
The thing that's significant about this copy of this book, which does look like some kind of funky poster from the folder that you'd put in your trapper keeper in the 80s, but then all the color faded out, is that it is.
So is that the original binding and stuff?
Signed.
Signed by G.K. Chester.
By GK Chesterton.
Wow.
He has.
My stuff that's good is GK Chesterton's signature.
I don't know if you can see the glory of that signature, but it's like, that's some serious penmanship.
I don't know if those are swords that he's got on his signature, but like, it looks like swords.
But I feel bad about my signature when I see that thing.
If you happen to have an extra thousand dollars, pick yourself up this thing.
So is that the original cover and binding and all that?
It's hard to tell because this weird pattern on here, but then the inside paper, so maybe all that is covering that stuff.
So I don't know if they so that it's possibly rebound.
It's possibly rebound.
And yeah, it's like a really like ratty page.
It's from like 1927.
That's incredible, man.
But this will be my prized possession.
That's so cool.
That I will take with me to heaven.
Well, theologically inaccurate, sir.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Zoo offers to name roaches and rats after patrons' ex-lovers.
A Texas zoo is offering jilted lovers a chance to get some Valentine's Day revenge by naming a cockroach or a rat after their exes before it is fed to a larger animal.
This gets worse and worse.
So you have any exes that you would name a roach after?
No, I always had amiable breakups on the few times that I dated one girl through all high school.
And then married her?
She broke up with me.
She did.
While I was playing X-Men Legends on the GameCube.
And then I was driving her home.
So I drove her home.
Oh, man.
And then.
So four years of dating.
And then.
And then a few months later, I met my wife.
Wow.
So that was it.
And I have no hard feelings against her.
So I would not do it.
Just for fun.
Yeah.
There's probably some people I would want to name after.
Okay.
But not X.
I don't want to name Months podcasts.
Yeah.
So it's five bucks to have a cockroach named after their ex.
And if you want to make a stronger statement, you can pay $25 to name a pre-frozen rat for your phone.
So the rats cost more.
Is that the idea?
Yeah, the rats cost more.
They get fed to a snake.
But how do they even know this happens?
They film it or something?
Yeah, do you get a video?
I think you would want a video and you'd want to send it to the person or something.
And the zookeeper needs to be like, this is Jennifer.
And can you pay extra for it to be like a slow, torturous death at a high frame rate?
Yeah.
It's like epic music playing.
Oh, no, I'm dying.
Well, but in animal speech.
The frozen rat wouldn't react a lot.
And it feels like this would be some kind of arms race where you would just go larger and larger with the animals that you could name things after, right?
Yeah.
And I wonder how far this goes because if the zoo's just willing to be paid off for animal violence, right?
Like, can you, what is their price to put a bear in the gorilla cage and just see what happens?
Because everybody wants to know.
That's been the question for the ages.
You can't find a video of a bear and a gorilla fighting on YouTube.
I've tried.
Everybody wants to know what happened.
You got to go on the dark web for that.
There are huge debates.
I'm sure, like in China somewhere, they have underground bear and gorilla fights or something.
Yeah, I'm almost sure.
Absolutely.
But I don't know.
We got to find a way to do it in America.
Anyway.
GoPro camera recovered after six years underwater in Hawaii.
Now, the crazy thing about this is there's a memory card in there and it still worked.
So hats off to that memory card company.
That's all I got.
I think you know what's interesting is electronics.
If you're not using them, like they can stay.
They can be wet.
They can be wet.
But they got to dry out before you turn it back on, right?
It's the shorting out that messes it up.
Yeah.
Like you can actually take your computer and hose it down to clean it.
As long as you make sure it's 100% dry by the time you plug it back in.
I'm also not recommending that our listeners and viewers do this, but I have seen people do it on YouTube where they'll hose it down their computer and completely dry every drop of water.
So that's why they say when your phone gets wet, turn it off right away.
Yeah.
And don't try to turn it on until you're sure it's dry.
And then put it in rice.
Yeah.
Although I heard that wasn't true.
I read about your articles that saved you, but at the same time, if it's really wet, then the rice will get all caked up around it.
Then it'll be worse.
You don't want the rice to get all gooby.
You don't want sushi phone.
Yeah.
Skier chased by bear at Romanian resort.
Oh, I saw this one actually.
A man riding the chairlift at a Romanian skiing resort catch a video of the tense moment that a fellow skier was chased by a bear down the slope.
He's like going down the slope and this bear is just because they look like a cub or like a younger one year old bear.
They're still big.
And chasing them.
Yeah, they're big when you see them up close, even if they're young.
Yeah.
And I guess he threw his backpack off to distract the bear.
And the bear went for the backpack.
He's like, ah, this isn't a human.
Yeah.
What?
But he probably got an iPad or something out of it.
Yeah, iPad.
What else do you bring in the bar?
Yeah.
Well, that's probably what he wanted anyway.
Maybe.
Yeah.
iPad's pretty cool.
Sure.
Inventor unveils airbag jeans to protect motorcyclists in crashes.
So, Moses Chavaroir, who has been designing motorcycle safety jeans since partnering with Harley Davidson in Sweden 16 years ago, said this latest invention uses similar technology to airbag-equipped vests that are currently on the market for protecting a rider's chest, back, and neck in a crash.
So, there's a video here.
There's like a pull cord attached to the bike, but you go flying off the bike, it pulls the cord in your pants, go!
And then, like, your legs are straight and they're like giant sausage legs, which seems like wouldn't it be your whole life?
That doesn't make you face plant really hard.
Yeah, I'm wondering, I don't know.
Wouldn't you want it like your legs the last thing you need to survive?
You could ride around, you know, without legs, but they have the vest now, so you got to get the vest and the pants.
You need a helmet, but maybe they ever seen those scarves they got and these like airbag scarves for bike riders, and it looks like a big, like very effeminate scarf, but really it's like an airbag thing that goes over your head when you crash so that you don't have to wear like an unstylish helmet.
Oh, that's in place of a helmet.
Yeah, I guess the idea is that you don't need a helmet if you have this like airbag, this big gaudy scarf.
I have a giant boa around my neck.
It looks very like Portland hipster, it's like the hipster scarf, like you live somewhere where hips scarves are completely unnecessary.
I gotta say, this would make car crash compilations on YouTube much more entertaining.
Guys are falling off their motorcycle and going, yeah, and they live, so you get to enjoy it more.
And they're just bouncing down the street because motorcycle crashes, you almost always just bite your finger.
Yeah, oh, yeah, his arm should not move like that.
Yeah, there goes the skin.
Yeah, it's gone.
Uh, Oklahoma, an Oklahoma bill would establish a Bigfoot hunting season.
The Oklahoma State Representative introduced a bill that would establish a hunting season for one of the state's most infamous species of alleged native wildlife, Bigfoot.
Bigfoot.
But what inspired this?
It's got to be like a shot.
It's got to be a PR stunt for sure.
Yeah.
The Oklahoma Wildlife Conservation Commission shall promulgate rules establishing a Bigfoot hunting season.
The commission shall set annual season dates and create any necessary specific hunting licenses and fees.
So they're going to make some money.
So the region.
They're like, we got to get cash.
There's all these Bigfoot hunters out here.
We got to cash in on this.
The Southern Oklahoma region hosts an annual Bigfoot festival.
Maybe it's catch and release.
So, yeah.
I got him, but I had to let him go.
What do you bait a Bigfoot with?
Eight squirrels, apparently.
True.
I don't know.
Toronto woman finds a knife-wielding squirrel in backyard.
So a Toronto woman captured video when she looked into her backyard and was confronted with a bizarre sight: a squirrel holding a knife.
Might have been Leatherman.
The squirrels are indeed up to something.
They are up to something.
Another Babylon V prophecy fulfilled.
I don't know if the squirrel could have been part of a local squirrel gang.
She said the rodent gnawed on the knife handle for a while before abandoning it and then returned a short time later to chew on it a little longer.
Wow.
What an idiot.
What an idiot.
Stupid squirrel.
It's a stupid squirrel.
Dummy.
Your turn, Kyle.
It is.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Man catches 54 pieces.
Never gets old.
Stories of the wheat.
No, no.
Man catches 54 pieces of popcorn in his mouth in one minute.
Good job, I guess.
He has broken more than 150 Guinness records.
See, if one man can break 150 Guinness records, then the records are not worth anything.
He is promoting STEM education, Kyle.
Good for him.
Good cause.
All right.
He teamed up with his neighbor, Jonathan Hannan, who is ambidextrous.
So this guy could throw popcorn into your mouth with both hands, which is kind of cheating.
But it's the two-man record.
The previous record was 37, which was set in 2016 by Ashrita Furman and Bipin Larkin.
Bipin Larkin.
Just sounds like someone who was named for Guinness Records.
That's what your lot in life is going to be if that's your name.
Is there a one-man like that?
One-man, yeah, one-man show.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is it harder to do it when you do it or when someone else does it?
Well, how far away does it have to be?
I don't know.
I can do a lot if it's like.
And plus, time.
You throw it up in the air and you got to catch it.
That's going to take a lot of time.
It's true.
Well, good job.
David.
David Rush.
Who cares?
Stupid.
Just really stupid.
All right.
Let's do some stories the other week.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
In a stunning reversal of almost a full year of devastating lockdowns that have decimated California businesses, California Governor Gavin Newsom has decided to reverse them all and finally allow businesses to get back to work.
After he announced this, he was seen shouting at a row of completely abandoned businesses, telling them that it was time to reopen.
You can reopen now.
No, no.
Hey, everyone.
A dog walks by with a severed human limb in its mouth.
Tumbleweed.
Like, was that in your jimbo?
I'm trying to get like my Kira Saw references.
Wind.
That's like the sign that the city has gone bad.
There's a dog walking around with a severed human limb.
Yeah, tumbleweeds.
He's stepping on a partial corpse.
You can reopen.
Hey, buddy.
He sees like a bum look around the corner and then scurry away down the alley.
Hey, hey, hey.
So, yeah, Governor Newsom has suddenly been like, no more stay-at-home order.
I wonder why.
Because if you look at the statistics right now, it's a little strange.
When he initiated the lockdowns before, the last time when he went real hard, and you look at the numbers for that same week, they're actually up a little bit this same week that he's on, he's removing the lockdown.
Like, well, why would he do that?
I thought it was all about.
Yeah.
And now there's like, what, 4,000 deaths a day?
And he's like, open.
Open.
He may open now.
Science.
And he's probably meeting with the scientists.
And they're telling him, yeah, we got to keep going with this lockdown.
These scientists that he's hired or whatever.
And then he's like, well, look at all these people that are signing the recall Gavin petition.
If you live in California.
He puts a $5 bill underneath it and he slides it over to the scientists and he's like, I want to maybe revise those numbers.
Can we massage that a little bit?
Maybe run those numbers again, scientist people.
I mean, what do you think the chances are that a man, a human being, would just strangle the life out of his own economy, stomping on its face, rubbing its face into the ground like a cheese grater.
Double swinging.
Just because he doesn't like the current president and wants him to get out of office because it just seems a little fishy that suddenly now that Trump's out of office, he's like, all right, open back up.
Okay, but that's just Governor News.
Right.
So if it was a bunch of, if it was a bunch of Democrat leaders that did it all at the same time, then you would think.
That'd be a crazy coincidence.
Like if it was Whitmer from Michigan, who's been stalwart.
Yeah, if she had done it or Cuomo, Cuomo.
He had all of a sudden been like, lockdown's bad now.
Lightfoot.
Chicago.
She has had a heavy, brick-like foot.
Yeah.
Heavy foot.
Throat of COVID.
Heavyfoot is my favorite Hobbit last name.
The Hout and the Heavyfoots.
Who else?
The Illinois governor did the same thing.
DC Mayor Bowser.
Bowser.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's like shooting fireballs at COVID.
Yeah.
Well, it's a sheet.
She's a little hat.
Oh.
She.
Story number two.
GameStop announces that due to skyrocketing stock, they can now afford to pay up to 25 cents for a used game.
Whoa, I'm going to take in all my games.
That's crazy.
I'm going to take in all my games.
That's generous.
GameStop.
And trade them all.
That's literally the only thing I know about GameStop is that when you bring a game in.
There's been a lot of times where I've been at GameStop and someone's been up there with like their PS3 and all their games.
And then the guy's like, oh, yeah.
He's like, I'll give you 28 bucks for the lot.
You know?
Yeah.
Yeah, you see.
It's like, that's my soul.
But yeah.
Actually, I hate the insult.
I hate GameStop because I've stopped going there because me and Dan used to, when we were trying to not go insane at our last job, we would just wander around the town at lunch.
We drive different places.
You just embrace it here.
Yeah, here I just go insane.
But we go to thrift stores, GameStop.
Let's go and GameStop and see what they got.
And then the people just pounce on you when you come in there.
The sales are like, hey, man.
They started actually carrying around.
The old GameStop.
The ones I've been at, they're always like, they seem annoyed that you want to go in there.
They are.
They're both annoyed that you want to be there, and yet their corporate overlords are telling them they have to.
So they come up, like, hey, man, what game systems do you have?
And they give you that look like, don't ask me for anything.
And they're like punching it in the tablet.
Oh, you got an Xbox One?
That's cool.
That's cool.
So have you pre-ordered the new Halo game?
They offer to your first time.
They started coming out from behind the counter and doing it when you walk in.
And I'm like, I don't want to pre-order anything.
I'm just.
I might just emanate a guy who doesn't care about games because they don't come after me.
Yeah.
I'd be the smell.
Yeah, it's the smell.
Cigar smell.
Hey, that was a good rap battle.
Insult.
Do I get points?
No.
So actually, GameStop's stock price shot up all of a sudden.
I don't understand at all what happened here or how this works.
So apparently.
I'm going to explain it, and I'm going to be completely wrong, but I'm going to try to sound like an audience.
You're going to explain it in lemonade stand for me.
So I will do that.
So apparently, people noticed that GameStop's stocks were being shorted at a high rate.
I already lost.
I'm already confused.
So a bunch of Wall Street billionaires.
Billionaires.
They're wearing their Monopoly Man hats.
They've got the little monocle and they noted.
And then it popped out.
Can you do better pop sound than that?
It popped out.
And they said, oi.
Game.
Oi.
They're British.
GameStop.
GameStop is going under.
Now they're all Australian.
They're Australian billionaires.
They go, GameStop's going under, mate.
Come on.
We better stop shorting.
So they all shorted it.
So they're betting that it's going to go under.
And people on Reddit notice.
How do you bet?
Where's this gambling place?
I will explain it in terms of lemonade stands.
Okay.
Waiting.
So, but just let me finish the GameStop story.
So then to screw them, a bunch of people on Reddit decided they would all buy GameStop stock, which made the price shoot way up.
And now all these people are losing millions of dollars.
Okay.
Because they bet on it losing and they bet on it.
Yeah.
Oh, that actually kind of makes sense.
So they met them.
I don't get it.
So shorting stocks is borrowing stocks.
And then after an agreed upon amount of time, you have to give the stocks back.
So let's say you have 100 lemons and lemons are worth epic lemonade stand.
And lemons are worth $5 each.
So I have $500 worth of lemons.
I'm betting.
I know something about the lemon market.
And you think it's going to die.
And I'm like, dude, it's going to rain.
Lemons are out.
It's going to rain tomorrow.
He's not going to sell anything.
Lemons are going down.
So I say, hey, buddy, can I borrow your lemons?
And you're like, why would I let you borrow them?
I don't know.
I don't know why.
See, this is where it falls apart.
I don't know what the mechanism is or why people are allowed to do that.
I don't get why you borrow stocks.
That's weird.
Yeah, you can borrow stocks from people.
But maybe it's because they think it's going to go up.
So anyway, so I borrow the lemons from you.
Then I sell them to someone else.
So I sell them at five bucks hip-hop.
Now I've made $500.
Okay.
Then after a week.
You bought them from me for $500, right?
Okay, sorry.
So let's say, no, no, I didn't buy them from you.
I just borrowed them.
Oh, I bought them.
I bought them.
I bought them.
So I've made $500.
Okay.
Minus fees, broken fees.
So then in a week, I have to give them back to you.
Okay.
Lemon market has tanked.
Lemons are only worth a penny each now.
Oh.
So now I go to the market and I buy 100 lemons at a penny each.
$1.
It only cost me a dollar.
Then I give them back to you.
Here's your lemons back, buddy.
Wait, so you sold the lemons for $500.
Yeah.
And then I had to give you your lemons back.
So I had to spend a dollar to get those.
You got $500.
And I hand them to you.
And now I made $499.
Oh, because you have to give me the $500.
I have to give you the lemons back.
But I got them.
But I'm giving now that I'm giving them back to you, they're much cheaper.
So I can buy them and hand them back to you.
That's shorting something.
Does that make sense?
Well, I don't get because if you bought, if you had borrow the lemons, you sold them for $500.
Yeah.
And then they went down in value.
Yeah.
And you bought them back for $5 at this low price.
$5 or whatever.
And then I handed them back to you.
But you have $500.
So you spent $5 to get them back.
That's like, it feels to me like you just made money.
That's exactly.
But why is that bad?
I thought that was...
Oh, so the guy that bought the lemons is Reddit.
No, that's the hedge fund manager.
What they're trying.
That's what they're trying to do.
That's what they're trying to do.
I think you're against the public.
Okay, what happened?
So then what happened is they said, hey, look at these punks who are doing this to this lemon guy.
Or lemonade stand kids.
So then they bought the bought a bunch of lemons and now lemons are scarce.
Now they're rare.
That makes sense.
And now the lemons are worth $100 each.
Gotcha.
And now I have to give them back to you today.
Okay.
I have to go buy them for 100 times 100, which is $10,000.
Yeah.
And now I have lost $9,500.
Okay.
That makes a lot more sense.
So that's what they did.
The first example was how short selling works.
The second is how they're screwing the shorts.
Gotcha.
Okay.
Okay.
So.
Wow.
I apologize to probably the most people in the podcast audience that already understood what's going on.
Hopefully, some people didn't understand.
Some people learned.
Hopefully, any stock.
My explanation was true.
Let's go on our next one.
Kyle got it wrong and rip him apart.
Congress has announced plans to retroactively impeach all previous Republican presidents.
We must spend our time working on important things like impeaching all those presidents who aren't in office anymore, said Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.
Oh, that's who that was.
It's what the American people want.
I just assume she talks like the bag of people at I try not to listen to anybody speak ever.
Joy sounds like she can't breathe through her nose and her jaw is about to fall off.
He must spend no time.
He'll bring you in again for all the things that you're preaching to presidents.
What?
Who are you to the office anyway?
Oh!
My prose.
Wait, she's never mind.
My ovaries.
So they're just going through the list and they're going, all right, here we go.
Abraham Lincoln.
Everyone, yay, nay, impeached.
I guess, yeah, if you can impeach presidents that aren't even president now.
Yeah, why not?
He loses to this great impeached Hayes, Garfield, Arthur, Harrison, impeached, McKinley, Roosevelt, Taft, Harvey.
Just showing off how you know all the impeached.
It's on my notes.
Oh, oh, they're right there.
Yeah, I can Coolidge, Hoover, Eisenhower, impeached.
Then they're going to impeach Nixon a second time.
Although, is it considered impeached if you didn't?
Because he got impeached by the House, right?
And then he resigned.
So is that it's like his impeachment was what is that considered?
Canceled?
Yeah, kind of.
Or like it was never confirmed, I guess, or whatever you call it when the Senate does it.
Unpeached.
Unpeached.
I don't know what that means.
Ford, Reagan, Bush, and Bush.
And Trump.
And then they have to do Trump again.
Yeah, because it was for old time's sake.
It's so fun.
I don't know.
But yeah, it's actually funny because they're trying to.
They're still going with it?
Because they impeached him before he left office.
Yeah.
The Senate didn't convene to confirm the article of impeachment.
Okay.
And it was like Nixon, kind of?
No, but he didn't resign.
There's only one of them.
Because you have to get both.
I don't understand.
Pete.
Can you explain in 118 stands?
The House has to ratify, might be the right term, or confirm or whatever.
They vote on the Articles of Impeachment.
And when they agree on the Articles of Impeachment, which is like charges, they send it to the Senate and the Senate holds the trial to determine impeached or not impeached or whatever.
Okay.
And the Senate never held the trial.
The first impeachment.
Right.
And now they're trying to hold the trial.
The second one.
Even though he's out.
Even though he's out of office.
So he was acquitted in the first trial.
Now there's another trial.
Are they trying to prevent a 2024 or something?
Is that the whole goal?
Yeah, because I think if you're impeached, you can't run again.
So that might be what they're trying to do.
Impeached.
All right, let's go on to our topic of the week.
And now, the Babylon Bees topic of the week.
We have done this before, but we're going to read through some Babylon B prophecies.
Because we're a one-trick pony that are fulfilled.
This is what you, this is what you chumps, want.
This is what you guys want from us.
It's delightful.
You want us to just do this and yell prophecy fulfilled over and over again.
This is funny because it combines satire with reality.
Here are more.
Doom we're experiencing.
All right.
So everybody knows that The Simpsons predicts the future all the time.
We at the Babylon B do too.
Probably not as well as The Simpsons, to be honest.
Yeah, not as well.
Because you can't really compete with a show like The Simpsons.
Yeah, it's hard.
It's been around for so long.
You've got some great writers.
Some great writers.
Indeed.
Especially those first 10 seasons.
I was raised in a Christian household.
I just watched The Simpsons for the first time.
Wow.
And wow.
And incredible.
Actually, I've forgotten most of them, so I should go back.
It's definitely worth watching for sure.
Okay, here are 10 more Babylon B prophecies that kind of, sort of, came true.
Okay.
Prophecy number one, made July 26, 2020.
Nevada church avoids coronavirus restrictions by installing slot machines.
Fulfilled on August 6th, 2020.
Calvert Chapel to hold prayer service for Trump at Las Vegas Casino.
So all the churches were closed or beyond a certain capacity.
And so they said, well, we're going to hold our service in the casino.
It's kind of 80% fulfilled because it's the reverse.
They didn't bring the slot machines in.
I'm blanking on it.
Oh, Dr. Ian Malcolm in Drask Park?
The church finds a way.
The church finds a way.
Finds a way.
Finds a way.
Prophecy.
Oh, wait.
Prophecy?
Fulfilled.
I did it.
Oh, sorry.
No, I'm just saying.
Usually I don't do it.
You did it.
Prophecy number two, made September 4th, 2020.
Anonymous White House source claims Trump punched a baby.
Wait, how could this possibly be fulfilled?
So, in this next one, it's mediate posted.
Watch 98 times Trump disparaged babies by using them as an insult.
No way.
Disparaged them.
That's incredible.
I want to read some of the disparaging babies he did.
There's no link here.
So it's because he's going like, he's a big baby.
They're a big baby.
Is that it?
Why is he talking like Bernie?
I don't know.
And yeah, so they think that that's insulting babies.
But doesn't everybody use baby as an insult?
Why are we singling out Trump for this?
Oh, it's a video.
There's a whole video of it, huh?
Are you trying to want?
Are you doing this right now?
I'm really curious to see an example.
Trump has invoked Infanto Americans to describe Americans.
Is this real?
Did he actually say this?
Is this a parody site?
I don't want the B to get tricked by its own.
This all looks like legit.
Wait.
Media is real.
Media is real.
Okay.
President Trump is currently under fire for calling U.S. military leaders losers and babies.
He's also got a comically long history of disparaging infants.
Okay, Infanto Americans is a new one to describe a variety of feelings in adult humans.
So it's just when he calls people babies.
Yeah.
You big baby.
People do it all the time.
It's not an insult.
It's insulting to babies.
It's just true.
Disparaged babies.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Inclusivity win, state of California to make all prisons gender neutral.
This was on September 20th, 2017.
Fulfilled on September 20th.
I promise you that that sounded, that felt outlandish in 2017.
That's 2017.
Fulfilled September 26, 2020.
Governor Newsom signs a law requiring California prisons to house transgender inmates according to their gender identity.
So you can be like, I'm actually a woman.
And he gets sent over to the women's prison.
White power bill.
Yeah.
I'm actually a woman.
I'm a serial rapist, but I've changed my ways.
I've woken.
I've awoken.
I'm woke.
There's actually a little girl named Tina living inside of me.
Prophecy.
Oh, yeah.
Prophecy.
Fulfilled.
Prophecy number four, made September 30th, 2020.
Biden.
You have to elect me to find out what my policy positions are.
Who said that?
Okay, so then Daily Caller posted that Joe Biden said, you'll know my opinion on court packing when the election is over.
Incredible.
Just incredible.
Shocking.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Prophecy number five made October 23rd, 2020.
Biden calls a lid until election day.
Is that like a child sleeping and they put his head on him?
It's so cute.
So adorable.
Fulfilled on October 25th, just two days later.
Joe Biden says that he won't do any more in-person campaigning for the remaining nine days.
Of all the historical things in Biden, not only that he had the most votes in American history, that he did nothing for two weeks before he even the election.
Like who could get away with that?
And the rallies are like 12 people in a hot dog cart and just standing around and they circle everybody standing in their own little isolated circle.
And yet to doubt any legitimacy is completely what are you psychotic?
You disgust me.
You're trying to insurrect everywhere.
You're trying to insurrect everywhere.
Stop insurrecting.
Stop insurrecting.
Gosh.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Polsters claim their polls were 100% correct, but everyone voted wrong.
Okay.
And then later on, fulfilled November 4th.
Same day later that evening.
Oh, really?
Nate Silver to 538 Critics.
That's a company, I guess.
F you, we did a good job.
538 is Nate Silver's statistics.
Oh, his company.
And he's the guy that pulls all stuff out.
He's a pollster.
He's a pollster.
And he says, F you, we did a good job.
Fantastic.
That would be hard.
He tried.
He tried.
What can you do?
Prophecy.
Fulfilled.
Am I supposed to raise my cup?
Fulfilled.
Can we redo that one?
Yeah.
Someone screwed up on camera.
Sorry.
Repeating the Nate Silver one?
The Nate Silver one.
Okay.
Sorry, guys.
My God.
Good catch.
Prophecy number six, made November 4th, 2020.
Polster claim pollsters claim their polls were 100% correct, but everyone voted wrong.
I love this guy in the picture.
We were right.
Yes!
Yeah.
And then the Daily Beast reported on the same day later that evening, Nate Silver, noted pollster, to the critics of 538, his company, he said, you, we did a good job.
You can add a flower bed there.
I just like that.
I like that everyone's like, hey, why were the polls strong?
He's like, screw you guys.
We did a good job.
Fantastic.
Probably.
Oh, when people are like, why wasn't your article funny?
It's like, F you, we did a good job.
Joke was hilarious.
It had pronouns.
It had an identifies thing.
We had a grizzly bear beating up a wrestler.
What more do you want?
We did a good job.
Exactly.
Prophecy.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Prophecy number seven made November 17th, 2020.
Study finds connection between believing Russia rigged the 2016 election and believing the 2020 election was foolproof.
How can this possibly be fulfilled?
Fulfilled November 24th.
This is astonishing.
From Zayn, I don't know who that is.
Someone on Twitter from their newsletter.
91% of Democrats think that the 2020 election was free and fair, up from 43% in 2016.
That's a big flip.
That's a huge job, man.
Like, we won?
It was completely fair.
It was totally fair.
I'll bet the numbers are the same for Republicans, though, in the opposite direction.
Yeah, yeah.
That's fantastic.
That's good stuff.
Prophecy.
Fulfilled.
Fulfilled.
Prophecy number eight, made September 24th, 2020.
Trump announces he will only leave office if a challenger beats him in ritual combat.
How could this possibly be fulfilled?
That Photoshop creeps me out.
What's that from?
It's from Black Panther.
Oh, I don't remember that.
Rudy Giuliani.
So fulfilled January 6th.
Rudy Giuliani says, I'm willing to stake my reputation on the fact that there is election fraud.
Let's have trial by combat.
That's insane.
I assume he was being a little bit funny, but you never know.
You never know.
You never know.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Prophecy number nine made on August 7th, 2019.
Democrats proposed creation of National Trump Voter Registry.
Fulfilled on November 1st.
I think I made this Photoshop.
Trump voter, do not approach.
If you believe a microaggression has been committed, please contact your nearest law enforcement agency.
Known aliases.
Brad, the wink, beat up.
Beat up.
Sorry.
Fulfilled on November 4th, 2020.
Adam Rahuba on Twitter, who's a little bit of a troll.
He's a troll.
But he had a bunch of people like actually sharing this legitimately.
We're like, yeah, let's do this.
Yeah, yeah.
He says, in the coming weeks, I'll be launching a new website.
Users will be able to see every neighborhood financially donated to Republicans on a map.
We will then be encouraging users to aggressively, but non-violently, confront these people.
No safety for fascist enablers.
So I get that he was trying to be a little satirical.
Yeah, his account is basically the punk boomers who like think this gets real.
Yeah.
But I think when everybody's sharing it unironically and going, yeah, this is a great idea.
And there were actually people in Democrat leadership that were saying, like, we need to hold these people accountable.
We need to start making lists.
Then there were some other people talking about it.
It's like, you need to punch up your satire just a little bit to stay ahead of your party.
So, yeah.
He's like 30 seconds ahead.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Prophecy number 10, made August 12th, 2020.
Men's Health magazine celebrates body positivity with first obese cover model.
It's a big fat guy on the cover.
He's like drinking olive oil.
Or no, it's probably just a beer.
Eating nachos.
It kind of does look like olive oil.
Wow.
Yeah.
Fulfilled January 1st, 2021.
Kind of.
Cosmopolitan.
This is healthy.
It shows fat ladies.
Excuse me.
You can say fat man, and it's fine.
You say fat lady.
What?
What?
It shows people who are very healthy at their size.
They're at a healthy, healthy size.
At every size.
Got a healthy amount of weight at every size.
Wellness doesn't have to be one size fits all, Ethan.
I am waiting for that cover.
Like, why, if gender neutral, all this gender neutrality, where's the guy who's sitting there laughing like fall fat?
Even me.
I want to be in a lead tard doing that.
A rain of Cheetos coming down from the heavens.
This is healthy.
All right.
Screenshot me.
Well, perhaps no other time in history has the line between satire and reality been.
I wanted to mention because we did one of them.
There's one that just happened.
That was a good closing, man.
It was good, but like we just had one.
What was the one?
Oh, the triple mask.
Oh, we should probably do these two.
I tweeted out a couple.
Yeah.
They keep coming in.
We can't keep up.
Okay, here's two bone.
We'll do them in the subscriber portion.
Bonuses?
Two bonus prophecies that are fulfilled.
All right, subscribers.
Subscribers, buckle up.
And if you're not a subscriber, hold on to your babble belts.
Then subscribe.
All right, let's go on to the hate mail.
Your good ending?
Oh.
Wait, what was my ending?
I said, the line between reality and satire has never been thinner.
Let's move on to hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
We get a lot of hate mail at the Babylon B. Here's some hate mail from a guy named Richard.
And he says, you know, I just posted on your Facebook account about Mr. Epstein being released from hell.
And I would like to ask, I thought you guys were Christians.
If you're not, I would like to know.
But if you think you are, then why do you make satire out of the destruction of the wicked in hell?
God is not laughing.
And neither am I or many believers.
If you are Christians, then scroll the comments on your post and see your witness.
It is full of hate and mockery and scorn.
Is this the legacy you want God to judge?
Oh, dang.
He's throwing down the gauntlet there.
Yeah.
That's our witness.
So this was an article Jeffrey Epstein released from hell after declaring he is transgender.
Who was this one?
It was probably me.
It made more sense in the context of when Epstein was actually killed, like at the time.
And there might have been something else that happened where someone else was saying that they're transgender and so they were getting transferred to prisons.
And there's a context.
I'm not going to defend it.
I'm not going to defend it.
But I'm saying there's sometimes you repost one from a year ago and it's like, wait, what is that job?
What am I thinking?
Yeah.
No, no.
I mean, it's always good.
It's always good.
But sometimes there's some context.
Well, sorry, Richard.
We hope you still read the site, I guess.
Yeah, I promise there only be there's it's you know, we don't do a lot of jokes about people burning in hell just now and then.
But I think if you're gonna make a joke about someone burning in hell, like Epstein, Epstein, you probably kind of feel like that's safe, but yeah, you know, and we need to theology is all messed up, though, because you can't get out of hell by declaring yourself transgender, right?
You're all you're all wrong.
Facts, so facts matter, facts first, facts matter, yeah, okay.
All right, we're gonna go to our subscriber portion where we're gonna do two more fulfilled prophecies.
We're gonna answer some mailbag, mailbag, and we've got a bonus hate mail as well, and then we're gonna go through our subscribers of the week.
Wait, subscriber headlines of the week, and I have an insane, some insane.
Ethan has an insane story about his son in multiple instances, an insane, the most insane son, yes, and it's gonna be fun.
So, here we go.
Subscribe if you haven't already.
Subscribers, join us in the lounge.
You're gonna join us, put on your smoking jackets and let's do this and send us pictures of you in your smoking jackets.
As long as you have like clothes on just clothes, yeah.
All right, yeah, see ya coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers, Kyle and Ethan.
Both of you remain abstinent until marriage, and as a devout follower of Christ, my efforts are the same.
I know I'm free from sin, but sometimes the efforts of self-control are still incredibly difficult.
Ethan, I don't know how you did it.
Wait, what about me?
Calvin goes, Mommy, I flushed the toothbrushes down the toilet.
Both of them.
You're gonna be one of those guys that's always taking off your clothes to show your cats off.
Yeah.
However, Tube Ask can help protect you from COVID.
However, some are finding it hard to breathe.
Some are finding it.
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to BabylonB.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.