This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 1/8/2021. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Biden's new mask womandate, totally healthy dead Cosmopolitan cover girls, and The Babylon Bee's new 100% effective marriage proposal service. The always prophetic Bee writers have made predictions for 2021, there's weird news, and ever-glorious hate mail. Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans Stuff That's Good Kyle likes coffee. He ranks his methods of coffee prep. Ethan likes BroForce. Weird News German pilot makes point with syringe in the sky Kentucky man goes viral for clearing snowy driveway with flamethrower UPDATE ON JETPACK MAN: Los Angeles pilot finally captures elusive 'jetpack man' on video Escaped hamster braves freezing temperatures to get to candy store Bodybuilder may spend holidays alone after sex-doll wife is 'broken' Police respond to chickens 'wreaking havoc' at New Jersey McDonald's UAE chefs bake world's longest line of pies for Guinness record Story 1: 10 Tips for Proposing to Your Girlfriend: A Love Story! Summary: Spring is almost here. We think. We're not really sure since we've all been locked inside our homes since last spring. Anyway, now is the time when Ring Before Spring takes over all the Bible colleges and young men start proposing left and right. Some of our readers might be wondering: how should I propose to my girlfriend? We asked love experts like Gary Chapman, our youth pastor, and Joshua Harris, and compiled these ten tips for proposing to your woman. Real Story: Top ten list in the link. The main thing was to keep number 9 and 10 in there for Jackson Baker to propose to his girlfriend, Kelsey. One of the pictures he sent is below: Story 2: Biden Promises Nationwide Mask Mandate And Womandate Summary: In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask womandate as well. In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan. Real story: Hilarity ensued when House Democrats opened up the 117th session of congress with an opening prayer from Rep. Emanuel Cleaver, D-Missouri, minister at the St. James United Methodist Church, a prayer made in the name of "the monotheistic god, Brahma, and god known by many names by many different faiths," which ended with AMEN and A-WOMAN. Amen is not gendered. It is from Hebrew and means It means "it is so" or "so it be." Amen is derived from the Hebrew āmēn, which means "certainty," "truth," and "verily." Other ways on which Rep. Cleaver has updated his speech. Story 3: 'This Is Healthy': Cosmopolitan Features First-Ever Dead Cover Girls Summary: Yass, slay, queens -- dead queens, that is! Cosmopolitan Magazine is promoting body positivity with the first-ever series of corpse cover models. The issues feature interviews with and profiles on a dozen dead girls who show how they too can be healthy despite being completely dead. Real story: Cosmopolitan Magazine is featuring on its cover very overweight women as the picture of health with the main story being '11 women on why wellness doesn't have to be one-size-fits-all." Topic of the Week: The Babylon Bee's 2021 Prophecies! Hate Mail Bryan says we've become too political. Subscriber Portion Mailbag from Drew that puts Ethan right to sleep Bonus Hate Mail Cool Story From Becky Headline Forum
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon B. Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody.
We come to you today on the Babylon Bee podcast.
A very exciting day today, because as we are recording this, the U.S. Capitol building is burning down.
It has been sacked by a crazy guy in a buffalo hat and some Trump supporters or something?
I guess, yeah, like it looks not really burning.
The Grand Pubah from Flintstones, they had like the giant buffalo hat.
Is that what it is?
You kept saying Grand Puba.
I didn't know what you were talking about.
You're like, yeah, it's like his Freemason group at these parties.
Oh, okay.
The stone cutters of the Flintstones.
I think so.
Is it the Grand Pubah?
It sounds familiar.
I didn't know that that's what that came from.
I just, I have heard the phrase before.
Real quick.
Yeah.
So I don't know if that's bad or good.
The Grand Pubah taking over the White House might be.
I don't know if that's better or worse than Trump.
You know, they're going to look in the Constitution and they're going to find in the fine print somewhere.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
So Grand Poobah.
Yeah, that's like when you arrive image on the screen.
Yo, yo, Jamie, throw that up.
Yo, yo, Jamie.
They're going to find some fine print on the Constitution or on the back.
Like anybody who makes it into the Capitol and stands up in the front and wears a buffalo hat is president.
No tag backs.
We really have no recourse here.
This is he's president.
I saw a crazy picture of all these guys, like CIA guys or Secret Service guys holding their guns on.
They like shoved the cabinet deal in front of the door and they're just like, wow.
Yeah.
You thought they would be more prepared.
We tried to call my mother-in-laws there on the few days.
Yeah, maybe we can throw it in like the sub portion of the audio up maybe if people are really.
We were hoping to get like a video stream.
Yeah, we couldn't get video.
And it didn't work that well.
We could throw it as bonus at the end in the subscriber portion.
But yeah, she got tear gassed.
Like there's just tear gassed flying everywhere.
She said there wasn't evidence.
I was surprised.
I thought she'd be like ready.
I was feeding her.
I was handing it to her.
Like, so it was really annoying.
Was it really antifud wearing MAGA hats?
He's like, no, pretty sure I talked to one of the guys.
It was a real guy.
She's talking to this guy in this buffalo hat, this shirtless guy.
And he's like, you know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to get in the front of the center.
Well, he's after he came back out.
Oh, she talked to him after.
They didn't like kill him or like arrest him?
Yeah, you think, how do you get back out?
I heard a lady got shot in the neck.
Really?
Yeah, but this is all coming out like now.
Say right now.
This information is probably wrong.
Everyone's going to know what really happened.
But yeah.
We'll be under the grand poobah.
The rain.
But that's why you guys listen to the Babylon B podcast because we just stand there and fiddle and laugh while the Capitol burns.
And we have fun.
Three days ago.
Three days ago.
Wait.
Or two days ago.
Two days ago.
Three days ago it was from when we actually posted this.
So now that the Capitol is like just charred lumber and brick or whatever it's made out of.
Olympus has fallen.
Olympus has fallen.
Then we're now you can enjoy whatever it looks like.
Hey, this is.
Olympus has fallen the movie, and then you touch it to real life.
That's what it looks like.
This is our first episode since the new year.
Oh, yeah.
Happy New Year.
So happy new year, everybody.
I haven't seen you since last year.
It's true.
Is it true?
No, I saw you yesterday.
Well, I mean, I've seen you a lot, but not really.
Yesterday, you hadn't seen me since last year, right?
I'm talking to the audience.
Okay.
I've seen you guys last year.
Since last year.
You guys and girls.
Amen and a women.
I'm not going to apologize for using guys.
We all know it's a generic term.
It's like amen, amen.
Did you Make any New Year's resolutions, Ethan?
Not really, only because I was already kind of like resolving to lose weight.
So I, I mean, I guess I kind of had been resolving to do something new every month with diet.
Yeah, diet and exercise, fasting, kind of just trying different combinations.
So I went a little looser in December because I knew that December's hard.
But I'm going hard now in January.
Awesome.
So yeah, how about you?
You're running.
I did.
I did make New Year's resolutions.
I actually listed them.
It's given you like an elder look and a more crestfallen look.
I don't know what it is.
What?
Yeah, you have this like this look about you.
Like you don't have a glow, you don't have a Dorphin rush look.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know if like there's something secretly going on.
There's a different look to you right now.
Okay.
It aged you.
Aged me.
All right.
I'll take the age, I guess.
I've never felt like I look particularly old.
Yeah, I don't know.
It's like, I don't know.
Because you know how when you're around someone a lot, you don't notice them aging, and then suddenly one day you're like, oh, look a little older.
You're really old.
Yeah.
I suddenly started noticing you looking.
Thanks for that.
So, no, I'm going to lose some weight.
I'm actually trying to run a seven-minute mile, which doesn't sound that intense.
No, I did a 10 one time and almost died.
Yeah, so like junior high, I ran a six.
You know, high school, I could run like a seven.
And then I went to the gym for the first time in a long time, like three weeks ago, and I ran like 14-minute miles.
I'm amazed that there's gyms you can go to.
Well, I have one that's a secret.
You can't know about it.
It's a secret gym.
They just covered all the walls and all the windows and like tinted paper and advertisements and stuff.
You just walk in.
So how do you find out about it?
It's like a coffee.
Well, it's just near my house.
And I just, we just, I, they had put up their exercise equipment outside so that I think some people would think, oh, they're doing outside, but it's not.
It's all inside.
That's what everybody's doing.
Nice.
So no masks.
We wander in.
We work out.
It's fun.
Cool.
It's not fun.
It's miserable.
Miserable.
Anyway, I've gotten down to 855 mile now after three weeks of practice.
So I think I can do seven.
You'll get there.
I'll get there.
Yeah.
And some other stuff.
I'm going to read 12 books this year at least.
Okay.
Try to do one a month.
So all the Dr. Seuss books.
Yeah.
Jordan Peterson's new book coming out in March.
I'm excited about it.
You're going to read 12 books and 12 more rules.
And 12 rules.
So 24 things.
Cool.
Math.
Okay, let's do some stuff that's good, eh?
Hey.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
My stuff that's good is Canada.
No, just check.
We said A.
A bucko.
Yep.
Bucko.
So I like coffee.
Me too.
And because I like coffee, I have a particular way that I like to prepare my coffee.
And I have certain.
That's what I'm interested in here.
I have certain.
Well, okay, I just wanted to.
You talk in more of a pretentious voice.
I wanted to rank like coffee in the middle of the day.
What are the different ways?
Because ground.
So just regular drip, like pot coffee.
Drip.
You know, hot coffee.
Coffee in a pot.
Okay.
You know, not that kind of, not hemp coffee, which I'm sure exists.
I'm sure it does.
You know, you just make the coffee in the pot at work.
That would be like, to me, that's bottom of the barrel.
Gas station.
That is, I mean, that's all that is.
Yeah.
The big old percolators or whatever.
Okay, but what?
So then there's like a glass thing.
Then I would say, like, we do Keurigs here at the office.
And so you rank Keurig above.
I do because.
But what if it's fresh ground?
Then that's probably better.
But the thing is, it just sits there on that pot, like burning all day, you know?
Well, maybe you drink it.
Well, no, because that's how work coffee works, you know, is it sits there and then you go and you go, oh, I'll pour more.
Oh, I'll pour more.
And it just sits there and it's not good.
But so, like, at least a Keurig, you know, it's just like, I get my own.
It's not good coffee necessarily.
I think it's highly overrated.
Well, who overrates Keurig coffee?
Like, who really likes it?
I mean, it's just simplicity.
It's so excited about it.
Yeah, I guess it's just the simplicity or something.
I got one for my wife for Christmas, even though I kind of resent Keurig.
And now even now I kind of get it.
I'm like, oh, she didn't make coffee.
I'll just make a Keurig.
Yeah.
So because of the simplicity, I do rank it above like making a pot of coffee.
Okay.
Then I would say an AeroPress.
If you've ever used an AirPress, maybe you've ever used one of these.
It's like the...
Is there other kind of press?
There's French press.
French press.
Is that different than ArrowPress?
It is different than Aeropress.
And I think because it's a little harder to do.
Is that A-R-R- or A-E-R?
A-E-R-O.
Aero.
Arrow.
It's like the guy, you know the guy that invented that like weird frisbee disc?
The Aero disc or something like that?
He likes.
It's like Aerodynamic.
He was like, Arrow Press.
Okay.
Anyway, it's good, portable.
It's a little more work, but you can make espresso shots with it and then add your hot water.
So that's nice.
And then Cream of the Crop last year, we invested in a, I say invested, we wasted our money on a Breville or Breville or whatever you call them, Breville espresso machine.
They're called Breville Expresses, and they're fairly inexpensive.
This is an espresso.
that count as coffee i mean it's like oh yeah But it's a different kind, right?
But what I do is, so with the Breville Express machine, they're fairly reasonable as far as espresso machines go.
500 bucks to 700 bucks, depending, you know.
So usually you're going to get an espresso machine.
You're going to be spending a couple of grand to get a good one.
But these ones, depending on the model, you can have ones that have either the two scoops or the one scoop.
So what I do every morning is I make a double shot of espresso, and then you add hot water for an Americano out of those.
Get good beans.
Yeah.
Get good beans with it.
And that's the best way to make a cup of coffee.
I feel like that was a really long roundabout way of saying espresso is better than coffee.
Sure.
But I do agree.
I like a shot of espresso in my coffee.
They call it a red eye.
I do like red eyes.
Yeah.
What about cowboy style?
I don't know what that is.
You just put a pot of hot water over the campfire and you dump all your coffee grounds in there and just brew it up.
And then you just scoop all the grounds out or you pour it through like a net or something so that the beans.
Oh, and that reminds me of pour overs, which are obviously the best, but I've never been able to do them because it takes so much.
My sister does pour overs and she looks like she's like a drug dealer because she's got all this, you know, you got to.
They cut into lines?
Yeah.
Like snorting it and all that.
Fall off a mirror.
You know, and I just can't.
And then my sister roasts her own beans too.
You know, I got to roast my own.
I wasn't that the thing where people don't ground the beans up because it's violent.
It's cruel to the beans.
So they just.
Wait, this is a thing, isn't it?
I'm wondering.
We like to be gentle.
I'm never sure.
They don't want hostility in the beans.
So my stuff that's good, because that was a long one, man.
I know I'm really late on this because I don't play video games, but I happened to because I was bored during this whole break we were on.
Started looking at the, I'm on PS now where you get to play video games for, you can stream them, you know.
And I found this game called Bro Force, which I think I had been told about in the past.
It's a run-and-gun side-stroller, like Contra style.
But all the characters are like spoofs of like Rambo.
You got Commando, Time Cop, MacGyver, Conan the Barbarian.
You got Ripley from Alien.
It's just like a massive, you got men in black, just like a giant cast of all these different characters.
You get to have like their weapon, and you just fight.
It's a total spoof on like 80s and 90s action movies.
This is incredible.
And it's a four-player game.
It's a blast.
It's really fun.
Guys are exploding everywhere.
It has great physics.
It's a really fun game.
I play with my daughter, my five-year-old.
She loves it.
And I don't know if she's six now, actually.
Is she six now?
I can't remember.
I'm lost.
But yeah.
I want to talk to if anybody out there is a programmer.
Let's make an Axe Cop mod for BroForce.
Yeah, it's something I watched.
I was like, man, Axe Cop.
Why is there no Axe Cop character?
Because they got machete on there.
He throws machetes.
They got Matrix.
They got Bruce Lee.
The amount of characters is crazy.
So just throw Axe Cop in.
But I don't know when the last time they made any new characters for it because it's, like I said, it's like five years.
I think it came out like five years ago.
But it is excellent.
And it's on PS Now right now if you have a PS Now subscription.
So it's all right, cool.
Bro force.
When you die, it's like, rest in peace, bro.
I remember it was how all those video games used to be real hardcore.
Like when you would select something, it would be like, good luck.
Yeah.
Bro face.
You know, or whatever.
Or you'd quit and it'd be like, dying too much, loser.
Wait, what game is this?
Like Doom and Duke Nukem and stuff.
They would say stuff when you would quit, like, too much for you, sissy.
Oh, geez, I just have to go.
I mean, do my homework.
I don't know.
All right, let's do some weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
German pilot makes point with syringe in the sky.
So the story is that he flew in the shape of a syringe.
It's pretty good, too.
I mean, that's like an accurate syringe, except for there's a, I guess that's he had to start and take off and then land, but there's a weird thing in the end.
So he's telling people to get vaccinated?
Get your vaccine.
But how can people see that?
I guess because it made if they watched the entire flight and like hold like some vellum up to the sky with a marker and trace his flight.
I don't know how that.
I don't know how people.
I don't know if it's getting the message out there he wants to get out there.
Yeah, I like how much.
He needed the news's news media's help.
Yeah, I like it.
It's not really a great, which then he could just lie.
He could just like, I could Photoshop that pretty easily.
It would be like me saying, I drove around town in the shape of a syringe this morning.
And then you have to like send it to the news and be like, see my GPS tracker.
Which we could just make.
But it's like if he had like skywrited test this, if he had like skyroded it, it would be like, oh, I see the shot.
He should come with a special message for mankind.
And I'll just Photoshop it in green line over a map.
We'll send it to the media and see if they can.
Look what we did.
Man flies in shape of pygmy dolphin in the name of saving the sea creature.
It just sounds like an animal that people want to save.
Save the pig.
They're not just dolphins.
They're pygmy dolphins.
They're so cute.
People just eat them up like tuna.
Kentucky man goes viral.
Not in that way.
Just internet.
For clearing snowy driveway with flamethrower.
Oh.
Well, that seems brilliant.
I mean, that's probably a good use of a flamethrower, you know, other than you shouldn't, you know, burning people is not a good use.
I like it.
He's done fans after a relative filmed him standing in his driveway wearing nothing but a bathrobe, socks, slippers, and a hat.
Do you go out in your bathrobe?
I don't know.
I don't.
I don't really have a bathrobe.
You're so such a youngin'.
What are you supposed to do with the bathroom?
It's the best.
You just get so you get out of the shower and you put the or you get out of bed and you throw the bathrobe on.
It's warm, comfy.
You walk around yelling at your kids, hitting them with a newspaper, tapping out your ashes on your pipe on their head.
And then you go out to the mailbox and the neighbors are looking at you like, there goes a majestic father figure.
Check the paper for the news.
Well, you did say I look a lot older.
Yeah, you need to get it back.
Maybe it's time.
So we have an update on the jetpack man.
Jetpack Man.
It's not Pac-Man with a Jet Jetpack Man.
A pilot has finally captured the elusive Jetpack Man.
Like in a cage?
On video?
Oh, on film.
Oh.
So this is capturing.
This isn't as exciting video, right?
This isn't as exciting as I thought.
Are they going out there with nets?
There's a video that I have not seen yet.
Okay, well, this isn't.
This is just another exciting.
Well, I think the other ones, I don't know if they had video for all of them because they were saying like pilots that they saw.
Pilots were like landing and taking off, saying, you know, traffic control.
There's a man in a jetpack.
You know, that kind of thing.
Yeah.
So now they've got him on video, I guess.
Rocketeer, you can be Rocketeer in Bro Force, by the way.
Bro Force.
Bro Force.
Every time we have to like brought to you by then do the Predator?
Yeah, the Predator handshake.
Epic handshake.
We don't have the muscles, though.
You're working on it.
I'm working on it.
That hurt, though.
All right.
This is an inspiring Christmas story.
Escaped hamster braves freezing temperatures to get to candy store.
Now, what I like about this is the details of the story.
The hamster seemed to have broken out from somewhere.
Hamsters are, you know, maybe a cage.
And gotten into the streets where it was five degrees.
It was later caught on CCTV footage.
So they're like, zoom in, zoom in more.
There's the hamster.
It was clinging to an unaware person who entered the Poundland candy shop in Glasgow on New Year's Eve.
Then the hamster jumped off the unaware person inside the store and was going on.
It's like, oh, could you imagine being a hamster?
Like, you just got, okay, a person's leg is like a moving giant redwood tree.
And you're like, I'm going to cling to that thing.
And then you're like, I don't know.
It smells amazing.
And you get off and you're like, oh, like in a candy store.
This sounds like a Pixar movie.
Hamsters don't even know that candy exists.
And maybe they know a piece or two exists, but to be in a candy store as a hamster.
I just want to know how full his cheeks were when the police found him, when he got cleared out.
Because they caught him.
This could be the sequel to Brave Ollie Pack.
It sounds like somebody needs to buy the movie rights to this Pixar.
Brave Hank Hamster.
Yeah.
Brave Hanky Hamster.
Bodybuilder may spend holidays alone after sex doll wife is broken.
So I think we did this as weird news.
He married.
I don't remember if we did or not, but I remember the guy said he married his doll.
Doll.
After marrying his doll, Margo.
His horse doll.
His doll, Margo.
His lying down doll.
He was planning on spending the holidays with her, but she broke down right before.
Wait, broke down?
What kind of like a robot?
We shouldn't explore that line of inquiry.
The enamored muscle man was recently seen on Instagram planting a gentle kiss on Margot, who appeared a bit stiff in her revealing white gown as she clutched a bouquet of flowers and stared into the distance at their wedding.
What are you?
You're a bodybuilder.
Yeah, you'd think he could like find her?
Real.
I said we're not exploring the line of inquiry.
Oh, dear.
I've already shut it down.
This is Doug Wilson right here.
It's like he prophesied this, I think.
Oh, this was his book.
His book, right?
Prophecy fulfilled.
Never excited about that.
Police respond to chickens wreaking havoc at New Jersey McDonald's.
I love this idea.
The chickens are just wreaking like revenge.
Apparently, like the chicken antiphon chasing customers through the parking lot.
An animal control officer is dispatched and report of a flock of chickens wreaking havoc.
They're wreaking havoc out here.
And you can hear in the background.
The officer arrives to find two chickens harassing and chasing customers and pecking at car tires.
They're like, well, get it away from the tires.
Can they do damage to the tires?
Just get these little things.
Just get my tires.
They have large talons.
The chickens have large talons.
Yeah.
So the animal control is able to capture them with the help from the manager of McDonald's and the police.
I like the manager of the McDonald's.
He's helping out.
I got you guys.
He's looking through his handbook.
They do the credit in there about that.
Yeah.
I'm getting too old for this.
It could be in there in the chicken nugget section of their handbook.
It's like, warning.
Chickens get pretty P.O.'d when they find out about what we're doing with their bodies here at McDonald's.
So the chickens are, yeah, they're going through the parking lot and they see like an open chicken nugget container.
Yeah.
They saw McDonald's commercial.
They make chicken.
What?
Come.
UAE chefs bake world's longest line of pies for Guinness Record.
So glad you had to read that one.
It was a good time.
All right, let's move on to our stories of the week.
Let's do it.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Just skip it.
You guys.
Flower bed.
Our first story of the week.
We have some tips from your friends at the Babylon Bee.
10 tips for proposing to your girlfriend.
Proposing marriage, I assume.
That would be the proposal that we are referencing, you guys.
And we have a heartwarming story about this story.
Yeah, this is a story with a story.
This is a story with a story.
So why don't we read through it?
We'll read the 10 tips and then we're going to tell you the heartwarming, moving story.
Heartwarming story behind it.
Number one, propose at church camp.
You met her five days ago, and now you're guaranteed literally weeks of happiness together.
Great tip.
Number two, never fall for the old seven years of hard labor trick.
This is a classic tactic among wily fathers-in-law.
They get you to work the field for seven years and then give you the wrong woman.
Go!
Skip the ring.
Just get her a nice Bible commentary instead.
Nice MacArthur commentary.
She can learn to fear the Lord.
Yeah, chicks dig that dispensationalism.
Number four, propose in a biblical way, like by giving her father hundreds of Philistine foreskins.
You'll win over her heart and the heart of her father at the same time with this giant pile of foreskins.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I think.
I don't know.
I'm just picturing like local cops.
Like, there's a pile of foreskins, and they're trying to.
We just got here from the chicken attack at McDonald's, and now there's a giant pile of foreskins.
Or like someone calls it, there's hundreds of guys here that are in pain.
Like, they're saying that some guy just ran in and yeah, are they fresh?
They built up a habit.
You collect them over time.
That's part of the gift is that you win and chop them yourself.
I would, I mean, I don't want to see it, but I want to see how it happened, how it all went down.
Is it in a box, like a nice gift bag?
And I want to, we should do, you know how they have those science videos where they're like, how much is a billion dollars?
And they like actually map out in a three-dimensional map.
Like, we need to do a science video.
How big is a pile of 400 foreskins?
I think it would be pretty unimpressive.
Like it would probably be like like maybe I'm guessing, yeah, it'd be like one of those cookie tins that your grandma would keep her needles in.
Right.
I don't know.
No, maybe more than that.
Yeah, like about the size of like a pineapple upside down cake.
That's kind of what I'm thinking.
Yeah, around there.
Anyway.
Anyway.
Don't ask her to marry you.
Tell her instead.
That's a good way to start the relationship.
You're marrying me.
Is that what you do?
Yes.
Okay.
A good wife is supposed to submit to the husband to everything, right?
Okay.
That's a good test.
Number six, commit to no side hugs before marriage.
Save that for the wedding night.
Honey.
Turn on that berry white.
You finally get to, your soreness in your arm is like, oh, finally, I don't have to hover anymore.
Something about that.
Soreness in your arm from that, yeah.
Don't get down on one knee unless you think you're protesting racial injustice.
Because if you get down on one knee, she'll be like, oh, we're protesting the national anthem.
And that's also cultural appropriation of formerly employed NFL quarterbacks.
Yeah, you can't do that anymore.
Get with the times.
However, if you propose while you're protesting the national anthem, then that's fine.
You should get on both knees or what should you do to really genuflect yourself before her as a female because you're a man.
I think you do like a classic bow, maybe.
You could jump in the air, then just face plant on the ground.
You go like prostrate.
Yeah.
Just plank.
Sure.
It should have been one of the tips.
Plank.
Plank.
Okay.
Eight.
Make sure you perfectly document the moment on social media, even if you have to redo it 37 times.
Because the Bible says it doesn't count without witnesses, and there's no better way to get witnesses than to take the perfect photos for Instagram.
Have you seen those people that will hire like the photographer and then set up the perfect proposal?
You see that one?
A guy worked at Target or something, and the girl went in in a wedding dress, and she had witnesses and a priest.
She's like, if you don't marry me right now, it's over.
And you see the guy working.
He's an employee of Target.
And he's like, dear, we can't.
Can we go talk?
Can we go talk?
And like, and like they go off and walk away.
Like, I'm sure it didn't go well.
She tried to just force him.
That wasn't on this list.
Okay, number nine, this is where it starts getting oddly specific.
Don't take her to a nearby park while she's visiting you at your parents' house and then start going through a book full of conversations to have before engagement only to feign getting distracted by this Babylon B article, which you read to this point before stopping and then tell her that you love her and propose.
Oddly specific.
But don't question it.
Don't question it.
This is an important one.
And number 10, propose by bribing the Babylon B writers to publish an article for you.
This is a great idea.
Write an article with the title 10 tips for proposing to your girlfriend.
Pay the Babylon.
Wait, we got paid?
And then convince your girlfriend to sit down with you and read the article during your daily Babylon B devotionals.
She'll definitely say yes if you try this one.
So here's where you may have figured out what had happened with this article.
We had a subscriber, Jackson Baker, who came to us and said, I'm going to propose to my girlfriend and I want to do it using the Babylon B.
This is the first ever proposal via satire that we know of.
That we know of.
There could have been more.
And she doesn't know if it's satire.
She doesn't know if her entire marriage is satire.
Like, wait, is this whole thing a joke?
She shows up on the wedding day and he's not there.
It's a satire.
It was just a joke, bro.
It was a totally joke.
I don't know how well it went when he's trying to read her the entire list.
And it's now, I'm assuming, like, you have to assume it held her attention all through all 10 points.
He's like, wait, this next one's great.
She's like, they're not that.
She's looking at TikToks.
She's not even paying attention now.
Yeah.
By the time you get to nine or ten, she's probably zoning out.
I want to hear how it actually went.
Well, we have a picture that we can throw up of the engaged couple.
And she said yes.
So I think yes.
She said yes.
So her name is whatever her first name is, Baker.
Got to be.
I do know it.
And now I don't remember, but it's in the email.
It's probably in here somewhere.
His girlfriend Kelsey.
Congratulations.
Soon-to-be Baker.
Best they don't take your life.
Hyphenate.
Kelsey, something else Baker.
A Baker slash a woman.
Yeah.
That's a great last name for a woman.
Fantastic.
All righty.
Story number two.
In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask woman date as well.
In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan.
Should I read the statement?
If you want to, listen, folks, we all make mistakes.
I realized this morning that my COVID plan includes a mask mandate, but not a woman date.
I have amended and also a womaned my plan to include a mask woman date.
Biden read off his teleprompter.
We will be adding a mask non-binary date, a mask genderqueer date, a mask to spirit date, a mask polygender date, and a mask non-berry trans, non-binary trans species date.
Who dates will be wait, more dates will be arriving?
My brain shut down, just like Biden's.
More dates will be arriving as we continue to do our research to make sure no one is left out.
So that was very, you were in character.
You were so into the book.
So in character, because I was saying, I was thinking while he said all these words, he would get messed up and he'd do that.
What did he do in that debate where he's like, who stopped?
Who stopped?
Something like that.
I can't remember what it was like.
He was constantly doing weird stuff.
Yeah, weird stuff like that.
I was trying to give one to put in there.
Oh, man.
Who's that?
Who are you?
Huh?
So the real story was that House Democrats opened up the 117th session of Congress with a prayer from Representative Emmanuel Cleaver, who's also a minister at a United Methodist Church.
Oh, that all makes sense now.
No, United Methodist Church.
And he gave a prayer in the name of the monotheistic God Brahma and God known by many names by many different faiths and then closed it with amen and a woman.
Wait, okay, United Methodist, and he's praying to Brahma.
So does that just mean you can pray to whatever God you pick?
Well, how's that work?
I think United Methodists are on the border of like.
I don't know anything about United Methodists.
They're probably like, but if you're so it's not a Christian denomination.
Sorry, if you're listening, is it a Christian denomination?
Technically speaking.
But you pray to Brahma in it?
I think you can do whatever you want.
It's like a mainline.
It's a mainline church, so you just pray to like Luigi, the brother of Mario.
Is there any limits?
Sure.
Well, I think if you did something like that, but would it be heretical?
Well, technically, probably according to their teaching, it's probably technically wrong.
Is it wrong?
They don't have any church authority that's going to come down and be like, you're a fired as a priest because you did this.
Is this the church that gives out like a wedding officiating?
No.
I forget what that's called.
The internet one?
The Indian church.
You can become like a wedding officiant, aficionador.
Efficienator.
Priest guy.
You're ordained.
The universal church.
Unitarians.
Well, but no, there's some church that they just made up online just so you could become a like a week or something.
You pretty much mail it in.
My brother did it.
Or my friend of mine did it.
So it was pretty clear to me that this Cleaver guy was kind of telling a joke.
Like he was joking?
Amen.
And a woman.
Yeah.
Like he didn't really think that the men in amen.
Yeah, he probably didn't actually think that.
But at the same time, it's like, dude, you're praying.
Like, what are you doing?
And they kept emphasizing this point about this is a gender neutral Congress now, and we have achieved equality, and women are the same as men.
And so he concluded with amen and a woman.
It's a really bad dad joke that was very bad, poorly timed.
Like you can't go and do that and do the very thing that like that's the bad conservative joke.
Yeah.
It's to be like, like we've probably told it a dozen times.
Like you take the word man in something and you're like, actually, it's woman.
I think one of the earliest Babylon B articles was feminists replace hymnals with hernals.
Oh yeah, hernels.
Which sounds like a painful thing.
It sounds like I got a hernel.
I found some other things.
Well, actually, I liked your, before I get to this, I liked your tweet where you said, like, to be working in satire in a time when a man says a man or a woman, or something like that.
I can't remember.
It's a great.
Yeah, when someone says a man and a woman, and it was Boromir.
It is a gift.
So here's some other sentences that we've heard him say, Representative Cleaver.
Okay.
One he says, I'm going to go watch the man or womandalorian.
Okay.
He said to celebrate the first Congress, he was going to go play his man delin and his womandaly.
Womandalyn.
Yep.
He was hungry, so he said, I'm going to go eat some top ramen or raw women.
Raw.
That doesn't sound right.
He also called on his constituents to donate to a charity that saves manatees and women.
Womanatees.
Oh, and he was out in nature taking a hike, and he's like, wow, look at that praying mantis or womantis on that branch over there.
I like the idea that people are saying these things.
Like some guy's just walking through the woods and he's like, oh, praying mantis.
And Cleaver like jumps out of the bushes.
Or womantis.
I think here at the Babylon B, one of our favorite songs is Satan Bite the Dust by the famous Christian rapper Carmen.
Or Car Woman.
Car woman.
It's so stupid.
Are we just telling a bunch of terrible dad jokes?
He also introduced his wife and her name's Amanda or a Womanda.
It's like if he really commits to this, like this is his thing, he's going to be totally insufferable.
That's just wonderful.
All right.
There we go.
We got all those out of thank.
I just want to thank him for giving us the opportunity to make such stupid jokes.
It is a gift.
We couldn't have made those jokes without him.
Yeah, because we can't just make that joke because it's just stupid.
So dumb.
If he actually does it, then you're allowed to do it.
The gates are open for a short period of time.
Yes.
Slay queens.
Dead queens, that is.
Cosmopolitan Magazine is promoting body positivity with the first ever series of corpse cover models.
The issues feature interviews with and profiles on a dozen dead girls who show how they too can be healthy despite being completely deceased.
So there's just dead rotting corpses.
And it says a big caption over them: this is healthy.
This is healthy.
I'm still waiting because, I mean, I've seen because they also had a feature with very overweight women.
And it says, this is healthy, right?
Yes.
That was the main thing.
And it said 11 women on why wellness doesn't have to be one size fits all.
Why don't they do guys ever?
Like, why don't they show me on there and go, this is healthy?
Well, one of the funny things is we actually had a Babylon P article that was men's health features first ever obese cover model.
Yeah.
And we had a guy just pounding pizza and beer.
He's like, that's health.
This is healthy, bro.
And then it actually came true, but with Cosmo.
But I think it is more common for female magazines to do this.
Like, they'll be like, what?
Big is beautiful only if it's women.
Never, never.
Unless you're maybe trans.
You can get away with it.
Then you're beautiful no matter what.
But yeah, if you're just a dude, you're not beautiful.
I'm beautiful no matter what they say, Ethan.
Words can't bring me down.
Party of science.
This is healthy.
Party of science.
Party of science.
All right.
We want to do our topic of the week.
I guess so.
Yeah, not much to say on that one.
And now, the Babylon Bees topic of the week.
Here they are, everybody.
The Babylon Bees predictions for 2021.
Oh, man.
Get ready.
Buckle your prediction belts.
Buckle your prophecy belts.
It's official, everyone.
2020 was the worst year ever, except for almost every other year in human history.
It was probably since the existence of mankind.
Yeah.
Will 2021 be even better?
Here's the Babylon Bees.
We looked at our crystal ball.
We got our hat and stared at our sear stones.
And this is what we came up with.
Okay.
Infallible predictions for this year.
January 1st, everybody's new year resolutions begin.
Then watch out right around the corner.
January 5th, new year resolutions downgraded.
That is true for me.
I didn't start my technically my resolutions till about the 5th.
I don't think I ever, through the year, go like, I'm giving up on that.
But you just kind of go like, well, anyway, I only lose 20 pounds.
I'll do it next New Year's.
I did 10.
That's pretty good.
January 20th, Biden's sworn in.
January 21st, Biden dies of natural causes.
Was there a scare quote in there?
Natural causes.
Sure.
Sure.
January 22nd, Trump announces 2024 presidential run.
January 23rd, 2024 campaign kicks off.
Does it feel like the presidential campaign cycles are getting so much longer?
Like, I used to feel like the guy was president three or four years, and then like maybe six months before the election, four months before the election, like, oh, these guys are running.
Let's see who wins.
Yeah.
And now it feels like two or three years beforehand, it's like people are floating.
Everybody wants to head the other guys off.
Well, we're at an early start.
Yeah.
So it kind of sucks because you never get that break.
Yeah.
Never ends.
Never ends.
Sad.
Not good.
Is it my turn?
January 25th, Obama releases new memoir.
January 27th, feminists finally begin to reverse the handmaid's tale.
To reverse things.
Finally.
Oh, because Biden's been elected.
Oh, okay.
I think.
Yeah.
Okay.
I guess.
February 1st, all remaining Trump supporters hunted down and executed.
Finally.
February 2nd, the next day.
Electoral college, First Amendment, Second Amendment, churches, and capitalism eliminated.
February 3rd, Democrats announce return to unity.
Finally.
See, that's great.
I'm sure they get rid of all that stuff.
It's going to be a good year.
February 26th, so a little later towards the end of the month, China officially annexes the United States.
Oh, geez.
March 1st, all pronouns must now be tattooed on your forehead or your hand.
Not foreskin.
No, not foreskin.
March 3rd, by that time, someone knows your pronouns.
Hey, don't assume.
What would be the technical term for that?
Foreskin-bearing person or something.
I don't know.
March 3rd, two days later, Space Force training exercise accidentally blows up the moon.
March 6th, Elon Musk fixes the moon.
Well, he probably just launched like an artificial moon.
He's like, we've developed it.
The moon.
There you go.
Big giant hologram in the sky.
With his face in it.
March 10th, Obama releases new memoir.
Hey, wait a minute.
March 21st, introduction of COVID-20.
Ooh, COVID-20, the sequel.
March 25th, FDA approves first permanent mask facial implant.
Oh, man.
Would it have a mouth?
I don't know.
I'm excited to find out.
April 1st, Kumo hunts down all the remaining elderly in New York.
Cuomo.
I don't remember.
That's the worst name.
Cuomo.
It's like the vowels are out of order there.
It sounds like they're forcing you to have an accent of some weird kind.
Like the name's Cuomo, but you have to say Cuomo.
Cuomo.
April 19th, Stephen Furtick announces he is the Messiah.
May 5th, Elon Musk accepts Christ.
All right.
May 6th, Joel Osteen accepts Christ.
Chain reaction.
Is that because of Justin Bieber becoming a Hillsong pastor?
Maybe.
You never know.
Anything can happen in 2021.
It's true.
May 10th, Obama releases new memoir.
Wow.
It's a big year for Obama.
June 6th, AOC tweets something dumb.
Well, only once in the year so far.
Well, this is the only one that we were calling out, specifically.
Oh, okay.
But I really hope that on June 6th, there's something particularly dumb.
So we're going to be watching this list closely, right?
Actually, we need to set a calendar reminder.
Let me text you on, yeah.
Please set calendar reminder for, what was it, July 6th?
For every single event on this list.
For June 6th, that AOC should tweet.
You need the word.
Well, I know, but at least we get that one.
We got to keep track.
What if on July 3rd?
I don't want to steal yours.
That was my turn.
July 3rd, Kami Law.
Kamala.
No, she likes.
It's Kamila, right?
No, it's Kamala.
Kamala?
Yeah, Kamala.
Kamala.
And they'd add a law at the end.
Kamala.
That's what I'm saying.
Kamala.
I don't know if I was joking.
I was trying to throw you up a thing, Kamala.
Kami Law.
Harris forces gulag prisoners to make bricks without straw.
And then August 15th, Netflix releases Cuties 2.
I like to be positive about the future.
September 5th, Chaz 2 founded.
September 6th, Chaz 2 dismantled.
Sad.
October 1st, Beth Moore becomes the head pastor of Christianity.
October 8th, Obama releases new memoir.
October 11th, ISIS takes over Canada.
November 17th, development complete on Cyberpunk 2077.
Patrick liked that one.
Sounds like a cancer.
Do you understand that game or something?
I heard about kind of people in the news.
I guess they released it and then they took it back because they didn't, it wasn't done or something.
They released it and it's been in development for like 10 years or something and everyone's been super excited about it.
And it came out and it was like, oh, this game isn't finished at all.
Man.
I can imagine all the little contingencies and things that can go wrong in those giant, massive games.
Just play Bro Force.
I think it's your turn, December 10th.
Oh, we've got a reminder.
Joel's just sent me a screenshot.
Reminder.
AOC will say something dumb.
June 6th.
Okay.
December 10th, we finally find out what the squirrels have been up to.
That's a Babylon B article reference.
December 25th, Christmas.
Kamala Harris outlaws Christmas and becomes Empress of the World.
You think she would do that before Christmas, though?
Yeah, surprise, children.
Surprise.
Where did all the Christmas trees go?
Where are all the gifts?
She's got them all before her throne.
All the gifts of America.
They're mine.
December 27th, Obama releases new memoir.
So basically, every time he finishes a book tour, he's back on another one.
December 30th, Sidney Powell announces Kraken will finally be released next week.
December 31st, Jesus returns.
So overall, a good year.
Overall, pretty good.
Yeah.
Well, if Jesus comes back, then it is a good year, right?
That wipes out everything.
Yeah.
Cancels out all the time.
A lot of Obama memoirs.
Yeah.
I hate the word memoir and hate the word Cuomo.
Cuomo watch memoirs for him.
How do you say noir, like film noir?
Is it noir?
Like noir?
I always say that wrong too.
Noir.
I think it's French.
Oh, yeah.
And you may say like a smoke cigarette.
Film noir.
I don't know.
Noir.
Anyway, I'm glad that we were able to enlighten everybody with some predictions.
All right, everybody.
Hold us accountable.
Let us know how many we get right.
Put them all on a calendar.
And then share the calendar and we'll all keep track.
A couple of our more hardcore fans would probably do that.
Yeah, someone's going to do it.
Yeah.
Do it.
All right.
Let's do our hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Oh, how I love hate mail.
And this one is particularly good.
This is from someone named Brian.
Brian.
So far, it's not so bad.
All right, here's what he says: Shame, shame, shame on you.
You've become so political.
Trust me when I say this is going to jump up and bite you in the butt.
Have you become just another right-wing rag?
And then, quotation marks: Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Shame on you.
It's very Game of Thrones.
Not that I've ever seen Game of Thrones, but shame.
But there's the famous GIF.
Shame, shame.
Shame, shame.
I've seen that shame.
We only know it from the GIFs, okay, people.
Yeah.
Shame on you.
Shame.
My favorite thing about this hate mail is that he does like the he comes right out of the gate really strong with the shame on you.
Shame.
Shame like four times.
And then he's like, he explains why he doesn't like the side.
Oh, you become too political.
And then he's like, trust me.
And then he's like, he's like done with his email and he's like, oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And he's ready to hit send.
And then he's sitting there.
He adds one more.
Shame on you.
Fantastic.
Well, we feel very ashamed, Brian.
Thank you for sending that.
We have received a nice dope dose of shame.
We received up to four shames.
Yes.
And okay, we're going to go to our subscriber portion now.
Oh, yeah.
We got more.
Actually, we're going to eat and then we're going to go to our subscriber.
Food.
Food smoking jackets.
Join us.
We're going to hang out in the subscriber exclusive lounge, which is a lot of fun.
A little more laid-back.
We're going to do some mailbag.
Yeah, mailbag.
Bonus hate mail.
Bonus hate mail.
We have a really wild story from a fan.
We always do cool stories.
Yeah, we got some crazy ones about a sneak.
And we're going to read some subscriber headlines as well.
So let's do it.
Join us.
Join us.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
I have an army of Ethans at my disposal if I ever want to do something funny with fat, I don't know what.
Like an Ethan online flash mom.
And by the way, I think the content in this article is pretty offensive.
I don't even reply to him.
It's just like, whatever.
So we're going to do a mailbag.
Mailbag or female bag.
Dear sirs, I am writing to complain about the Kellen Erskine episode.
You may wake up.
I am done talking about Star Wars.
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to BabylonB.com slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.