The Chesterton Prophecies And The Eccentric Elon Musk News Show 12.18.2020
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 12/18/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Elon Musk noticing our fine journalism, Dr. Jill Biden expertly saving a life with just a podium and a microphone, Disney announcing 7,562 new Star Wars shows. They also discuss how prolific and prophetic G.K. Chesterton was writing over a century ago. There's stuff that's good, weird news, glorious hate mail, and unintentional rambunctious reindeer. Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans Introduction Kyle is getting old and the guys discuss whether walking on one's back is a remedy. On the plus side, Kyle read all of Abigail Shrier's book Irreversible Damage. Kyle and Ethan remember Ebaumsworld and Newgrounds and how his Mission To The Moon music video is getting some attention recently. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes the board game Sonar. Ethan likes Scythian album Roots and Stones. Weird News Porch pirate steals bait box filled with cat poop Precious painting lost at German airport found at dumpster Woman receives birthday card mailed by her late mother in 2015 Man buys 160 tickets for one lottery drawing, wins 160 times Marvel's Star-Lord is apparently now a polyamorous bisexual Google sends 7-year-old warning that his parents are monitoring his account and WAY too many people are okay with that. Genius! These codebreakers just cracked the Zodiac Killer's infamous 340 cipher, 51 YEARS after it was first published. Teacher assistant mortified after missing rude detail on Christmas cardigan Sentence spelled out by balloons breaks Guinness record Stories of the Week Story 1 - Man Chokes In Restaurant, Dr. Jill Biden Springs Into Action To Deliver Educational Lecture Summary: As Dr. Jill Biden and her husband went out to eat over the weekend, a man began choking on his Denver omelet. But lucky for him, Dr. Jill Biden was there, and she is a doctor. "We need a doctor here!" cried a waiter. "Is there a doctor in the house?"Dr. Jill Biden sprang into action. "I'm a doctor!" she said, rushing over. "I'm going to need a podium and a microphone, stat!" After a busboy hurried over with the life-saving tools she would need, Dr. Jill Biden thanked him and then began delivering a speech on meeting students' needs at the community college level. An op-ed in the Wall Street Journal by Joseph Epstein sparked a debate over calling Jill Biden a "doctor" since she is not a medical doctor but has a doctorate in education. "Madame First Lady — Mrs. Biden — Jill — kiddo," the piece begins. "Any chance you might drop the 'Dr.' before your name? 'Dr. Jill Biden' sounds and feels fraudulent, not to say a touch comic." Epstein went on to argue that the prestige of doctorates and honorary degrees has been diminished by political correctness and the relaxation of academic standards before urging Biden to "forget the small thrill of being Dr. Jill, and settle for the larger thrill of living for the next four years in the best public housing in the world as First Lady Jill Biden." Conservative pundits pointed to the episode as an example of what they say is a quickness on the part of the political left to be offended. "I'm sorry. Telling a white lady in her late 60s that she should stop calling herself doctor because she is not an actual medical doctor, that is not sexist. It's not," commentator Ben Shapiro Hillary Clinton tweeted: Her name is Dr. Jill Biden. Get used to it. Lots of politicos on Twitter were changing their bio and hilarity ensued. Story 2 - The Babylon Bee Presents An Exclusive Inside Look At 15 Upcoming Star Wars Shows Summary: Disney announced about 7,562 new Star Wars shows yesterday. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, as more shows are soon to follow. We at The Babylon Bee have a Star Wars insider (we're not saying it's Gina Carano, but we're not not saying it). We asked her -- or him, or them -- what shows have yet to be announced, and they were able to tease these upcoming shows. They sound amazing! Story 3 - Immediately After Moving To Texas, Elon Musk Announces Tesla AR-15 Summary: After years of fighting lame California politicians who want to lock everyone in their homes so they can't go to space or build cool stuff, Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced he was moving to a land flowing with milk and honey called Texas. Almost immediately after the move, he announced a new product the whole world has been waiting for: the Tesla AR-15. Elon Musk really is moving to Texas Elon has a strange obsession with The Babylon Bee He said we were "savage" on Twitter. He also weirdly tagged us under an Onion story. What else could he create? Topic of the Week: Top Prophetic Chesterton Quotes G.K. Chesterton was a prolific and seemingly prophetic writer. Kyle and Ethan discuss. Hate Mail Ethan delivers a moving rendition of Linda not appreciating our satire when it targets her personal political hero and we discover a new word to describe journalism that makes us think of the bathroom. Subscriber Portion Bonus Chesterton Prophecies/Quotes Mailbag Caleb R. writes in to tell Ethan he is not alone with his toddler poop struggles. Bonus Hate Mail Someone was looking for highbrow content and mental stimulation and was sorely disappointed when he flipped out The Babylon Bee Podcast. Email your cool stories for subscriber exclusive reading to podcast@babylonbee.com
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon B. Fake news you can trust.
Look at you.
You're so lucky because you're hanging out with the Babylon B guys today.
But really, I feel lucky because I get to hang out with you.
We're all lucky when you think about it.
Everybody.
I think I feel a song coming on.
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
As you can tell, we did not write the intros.
Yeah, or at least, well, Kyle writes them in his head and then I write them in my head literally like 3.2 seconds before we go.
And so sometimes it works out great.
And sometimes not as much.
Rarely.
No, I think it works out well.
I think it works out.
Does it?
Yeah.
Okay.
If you have any feedback on the intros, let us know.
So I'm an old man right now.
Right now?
Now you're an old man.
Now I'm an old man.
Officially, I like hurt my back for the first time.
Like, I'm sure I've hurt my back before at some point, like, whatever.
I've been lucky with my back.
I mean, I get sore, but I've never had like that, like, oh, my back.
But I have my neck.
My neck's bad.
So we went out and played disc golf last Friday.
Me and my dad and Dan.
We went out and played disc golf.
I got into this hole and it had this weird like turn where you had to throw it like that.
And I threw a sidearm.
So I had to like, so I was like, okay, I'm going to do it.
And I did this whole weird tweak and I was like, yeah.
You know, just kind of the like complete timber fell over.
Was your back out?
I've always wanted to know what it felt like.
Well, I don't want to know, but your back goes out.
Yeah, I don't know what that means.
I know.
I assume once it happens, you know, like, oh, that's what it is.
I think that I think it was out.
You think so?
I think you'd know.
Like, I throw my back out.
You threw your back out.
Like when I sitcom and the guy's like, it's out.
And they're like, can't move.
It was like that.
Because then I went to the next throw and I was like, okay, I'll just throw it the other, I'll throw it the other direction.
That won't be so bad.
And I'm like, oh, shouldn't have done that.
And then I was like, somebody do like a spinal Heimlich maneuver on you and put it back.
I haven't had anybody do that.
I don't know how to do that.
So we can do it, maybe.
You know, I could walk on your back.
I could go to a massage place.
You're able to offer to walk on your back?
I'm like, that sounds like the worst idea on earth.
It's a spine.
Don't walk on spines.
My wife makes me do that to her all the time.
She's like, my back hurts.
Step on it.
And she lies on the ground.
I'm like, I don't want to hurt you.
Women have things in the front of them.
Yeah.
Like, what's this?
Like, smash.
Do you want 200 pounds of Kyle stepping on you?
Like, really?
I mean, ask her if she wants me to do it.
Oh, step on your wife's back.
Should I be feeling the floor under my foot?
But so then I took off to my parents' cabin in the woods all weekend.
And it was like, I kept trying to lie in the bed to read.
And I'm like, oh, not on that side.
And then you can't get up and you have to roll 270 degrees this way to like get out.
Yeah, you're old the moment that when you get up, you go, you start making more noises.
This is like me since I was like 13.
But it worked out because once I got in the position, I was reading Abigail Schreier's book, Irreversible Damage, which we're going to talk to her at next week or the following week.
We're going to have our interview.
That's a great interview.
And so I couldn't move.
So I was forced to finish the whole book.
Wow.
I heard you had a video go viral, didn't you?
Yeah.
So 13 years ago, when I was in a band, I animated a music video.
I spent an entire month.
I was on unemployment and I worked day and night on this music video.
I set like, I did 30 days.
It was your music.
It was our band.
It was interactive.
I was singing in it.
It's a song we wrote.
It's a good song.
It's actually because we were a bunch of Christian guys, Christians who happened to be in a band.
And the song, the funny thing is, the song is about like it's about the church.
It's about like kind of hiding, creating a little Christian utopia and hiding in it.
But anyway, it's this crazy music video.
It's long.
It's an epic song.
It's not a standard structured song.
But anyway, randomly, this huge YouTuber guy named Penguin Zeo or something.
His name's Charlie.
He has like millions of followers.
He's a gamer guy.
I've seen him doing Russian slap fight commentary.
He's like Keanu Reeves.
He's like kind of this weird counter used looking guy.
And randomly, he did this video about just nostalgic videos from the days of Newgrounds and the old Flash videos.
And the first video he brought up was my Mission of the Moon video I made 13 years ago.
It's weird when I have little successes that have nothing to do with anything right now.
Nothing to do with Axe Cop.
Nothing to do with Babylon B.
It's just a thing that just popped up.
So suddenly getting all these notifications on my video, it went from like 10 comments to like 500 comments and like 10,000 views and like stuff.
I'm like, what's in that from like 100 views?
And yeah, so it's just been going bonkers.
So I'm very proud of the video.
It's a ton of work.
So yeah, you guys should go watch it since it's popular again.
You kind of wonder if it's like, it never was, but actually, it did really well on Newgrounds, but it never did well on YouTube.
That's the thing that the weird thing that's popping up is I didn't really, I posted it on Newgrounds, I never paid attention.
And now I'm saying I was like, oh, I remember, I love this video on Newgrounds.
I forgot it did well there.
Did you ever do Newgrounds?
I remember you could play little Flash games and stuff.
It was like a Flash YouTube almost, but like people just post.
And there's videos, but there was also games.
I remember playing there.
Yeah, there's games.
It was all homemade.
But yeah, there's a lot of these old YouTube videos.
I think that's where those Stick Fighter Kung Fu kind of stuff came from.
I remember E-Bomb's World.
Yeah.
That was the one where we would go find funny videos of people falling down and stuff.
Yeah.
But I kind of wonder if this is how Sunseed felt when Jesus is a friend of mine went.
Yeah.
Probably.
They just checked their phone one day and they were like, I guess when it went big, nobody had smartphones.
They log on to AOL and they're like, what is this?
We're huge.
So that's how you, so you're the new Sunseed.
Cool.
Are we going to have a link to this video?
Sure.
Link to the video.
What's it called?
Mission to the Moon.
Mission to the Moon.
Lunar Active.
Mission to the Moon.
There's two copies of it on YouTube.
There's one on my account and one on the Lunar Active account.
That's fantastic.
All right.
All right.
Let's do some stuff that's good, eh?
Yeah.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
My stuff that's good is Canada, eh?
No, not really.
I'm not going to pick a country for the stuff that's good.
Board games.
We all like board games.
And you know what's a board game that everybody knows about is Battleship.
Right.
You know what the problem with Battleship is?
It's terrible.
Hey, you know, Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon B.
Yeah, he did the electronic battleship.
You sunk my battleship.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anyway, sorry.
There's a little connection there for you.
There's a funny interview about that on Retin Link before they turned on the Lord.
Before they put on their fedoras.
Yeah.
Cast off their WWJD bracelets and put on fedoras.
Yeah.
Sad.
But yeah, Battleship is a terrible game because you're just guessing.
But Dave D'Andrea is great.
No, the voice is awesome.
It's iconic, right?
Yeah.
My wife was like, when I first started getting into board games, my wife was like, I gotta, she's like, we gotta play Battleship.
Battleship is fun.
So I got a copy of Battleship and we played it.
I'm like, this is horrible.
Why are we playing?
I don't like games that are pure randomness.
It's completely random.
But I remember as a kid thinking other strategy, finding out what no.
Have you played Skipbo?
I have a card game.
My mom really likes it.
I have not.
No.
I was like, why don't we just do our taxes?
It feels like the same thing.
We're just like, we're sorting numbers out.
It's stupid.
Sorry, continue.
With the state of modern board gaming, a lot of people would enjoy a game where you just do taxes.
No, I'm going to talk about the board game called Sonar.
Oh.
Which is like Battleship if it was good.
Okay.
So there's a.
Does it have Dave DeAndrea?
No, Dave D'Andrea.
We need an electronic version with Dave D'Andrea.
Okay.
So this is a game for two teams, either one-on-one or two-on-two.
And you tell the other guy, like, my ship is moving north.
It's moving east.
It's moving west.
It's moving south.
And then they start to track you with a marker and they have their map and they're trying to figure out where you are.
So eventually they can deduce where you are and then launch torpedoes at you.
It's very short, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, tracking each other.
They keep tracking in.
They're like drawing.
And all of a sudden they realize they've written never going to give you up.
You rickroll.
And then you just rickroll.
Yeah.
And then they just get this.
You're like, boom, I won.
You're telling them all the directions to go.
That would take a while.
That would take a while.
Now I know I'm never playing sonar with Ethan.
But if you got kids, family, want to play board game?
Sonar.
It's a good one.
Okay.
Your turn.
All right.
Well, mine is.
So a while back, I mentioned that I love this band called Scythian.
They're like this awesome, they play like pub Irish gypsy, crazy, great music.
And then they reached out to me because they are fans of the Babylon B and they saw me talking about them.
So that was cool.
So then they sent me their new album that wasn't out yet and it just came out.
So their new album's out.
It's called Roots and Stones.
And so you guys should get it.
I think it's their most best-produced album that they've got so far.
You figured out this thing of getting free stuff.
I haven't figured this out yet.
If you want me to promote free trips, I don't get any trips.
If you want to meet to promote your board game, send it to me.
Yeah, send them board games.
I want cigars.
We should give lists.
I want cigars, meat.
I like board games.
I like drawing games.
Drawing tablets.
You know, anything for technology for drawing?
Video games.
I like video games.
Meat jerky.
Food.
Yeah, any food.
Beverage.
We'll take it all.
Yeah.
So whatever it is.
We can be bought.
Yeah.
Totally.
Let's do some weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Porch pirate steals bait box filled with cat poop.
Owned.
Hey, Ontario, Canada.
So this woman was tired of these package thieves.
So she thought of a clever scheme.
She filled a box full of cat poop and it was stolen within 40 minutes.
I feel like I've seen this in a movie or something.
Well, the best are like, I love those bait.
You've seen those YouTube videos, right?
Where the guy creates this glitter bomb package.
It's made so that, and there's cameras on it and stuff.
So you just get to watch the person like steal the box, open it up, and like, what the, what?
They're like alone in a parking garage, like opening it up to see what I got.
What I get.
So if this lady was really clever, she would have made a cat poop bomb box.
So you could see the person exploding in a cloud of cat poop in a parking garage.
What about glitter and poop?
Like a poop glitter.
Poop glitter.
It would never come off.
We're YouTubers.
We should do this.
We don't have a problem with people stealing packages here, though, yet.
Yeah, we just have this normal podcast.
If we want to be big on YouTube, we have to do stuff like this.
Yeah, we do some crazy stuff.
Oh, wow.
Yep.
You got poop on your face.
Or like, it's a prank.
We're making a burrito and it's full of toothpaste and we're going to see who can eat the whole thing.
Yeah.
And I think it's big to like fake pranks.
Like that's totally scripted out.
The guy's in on it and you can totally tell.
Yeah.
But they go huge.
They eat millions of people.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Obviously, yeah, obviously fake pranks.
We need to do it.
Precious painting lost at German airport found at Dumpster.
Okay.
So, this painting worth more than a quarter million euros, which is $340,000, more than a quarter.
That's crazy.
That was forgotten by a businessman at this airport, Dusseldorf.
It was just by the dumpster.
Somebody was like, oh, a painting lay around.
Let's throw this away.
Professor Dusseldorf, a bad guy and something.
That sounds familiar.
Dusseldorf's airport.
I'm going to recover from a nearby.
So he left it at the airport.
Yeah, I don't know if somebody Dan told me about this.
I forgot.
Somehow they lost the painting.
I don't know if somebody, I don't know if somebody stole it.
I'm waiting to see if Dan nods or shakes his head.
Oh, he just sat it down and forgot about it.
Think of all the things.
A $340,000 painting.
So it's hanging in an airport.
I understand.
Isn't there gum all over it?
Airports are gross.
I can understand leaving your Game Boy behind or something.
Yeah, or a sweatshirt.
Other device that you wouldn't have for 20 years.
I still have two Game Boy.
Okay.
The original.
So reptile.
You left one at the airport.
You had three.
Well, my sister did.
She left two behind the park and stuff, and I've never forgiven her.
I'm bad.
I leave jackets.
My sister left my Game Boy.
She was like, I don't know, three or four.
She left my Game Boy at the bakery.
She gave a Game Boy to a three-year-old.
But I didn't give it to her.
I had left it in the car.
And she wanted to listen to the music from Donkey Kong Land or whatever the mini version of Donkey Kong Country was that was on the Game Boy.
She's like, Mom, I want to listen to the music.
So she put the headphones in and she walked in listening to the music and just said it there and left it there.
And I was so I was distraught.
The mini version of Donkey Kong should be called Dinky Kong.
Next.
Next story.
I forgive you, Karis.
Woman receives birthday card mailed by her late mother in 2015.
Is this the USPS?
Yeah, I guess they just were really late in delivering this letter.
And so yeah, her mother had long died.
So yeah, this is Ohio.
So yeah, USPS.
What's the letter say?
Did she share it?
So the mother passed away in 2018.
It was postmarked June 20th, 2015.
It had a birthday card in it.
Hmm.
Wow.
So it wasn't meant for you to receive back then.
It was meant for you.
Wait.
What?
Is there a warning on the screen right now on Facebook saying, like, don't worry, mailing birthday cards is safe and secure?
And this triggers triggers the notification.
Well, that's, I mean, that's nice.
It's kind of, it's kind of cool, though, on the one level, right?
Like, her mom's been dead for two years and now she gets a letter from her.
That's cute.
Because your members are saying, did you get a card from me?
Which you never did.
Huh.
It's a little touching.
Yeah.
Touching is long.
Yeah.
What's the scene in what's the scene in the post office?
They're like looking.
Did you ever send that letter out?
And it's like sitting on a.
Yeah, where was it?
Like, where does it?
It probably fell between like, you know, between the fridge and the counter.
Yeah.
And they're cleaning it out.
Yeah.
She finally got the fridge replaced.
But I like that they sent it instead of just being like whip it up.
Would you think that that would make more sense because it makes them not look as bad?
Yeah.
Instead of like, oh, I guess we better get this out.
This is somebody's mom.
Have you ever done, I've done this before.
There's this site called Future Me, and you can write an email to yourself and then set a date in the future to get it to yourself.
Oh, wow.
Do you have any more coming in?
I did one at like, no, I don't have one coming now, but I had one.
I did like five years or something like that.
And I wrote a message to myself from when I was living alone in an attic, like alone, depressed.
But I tried to write myself an encouraging letter in the future.
And by the time I read it, I had a family, I had kids, axe cop had happened.
And I'm like, hey, I hope you're doing well.
This is Ethan.
I hope you found a wife and stuff.
It was crazy.
When I got it, I was like, I wish I could answer you.
I wish I could reply to this.
Yeah, it would be much more valuable to send a message now to the past.
To back then.
Yeah.
You feel terrible for this kid.
He just gets a real loser, man.
Man buys 160 tickets for one lottery drawing.
Wins 160 times.
I smell...
I smell a rat.
He won 160.
But did he play the same numbers?
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
Oh, is that what happened?
Okay.
He played the same numbers over and over.
So he got the.
Okay.
I don't know.
It works.
See, I was thinking this is like something like you know that McMillions documentary?
Yeah, where they were stealing the guys were like the guy was like stealing all the winning tickets for the McDonald's.
Yeah, the Monopoly one.
The Monopoly.
So that's what I'm thinking.
It's happening here.
So he won $5,000 160 times for $800,000 total.
Yeah, that's pretty good.
Have you ever played?
Have you ever done a lottery?
I might have won maybe once.
It always felt a little seedy to me.
Yeah, they filled.
I don't know.
At Dan and I's old job, our boss was just like kind of this gruff guy, and he would just stop by the, you know, he'd be driving us to whatever the next office is.
We had to go on a field call or whatever.
He'd just stop at 7-Eleven.
Got to get my lottery tickets.
It is just like, did he ever win?
I don't think so.
I mean, I'm sure he won $100 here and there.
But it just, it's a different culture.
I've heard those stories.
Yeah, because I have a friend who, yeah, that he kind of lives, he came from, you know, the very poor family, but his dad, his stepdad would continually buy these lottery tickets.
He won one, like a big, it was a big win.
He was like on the TV show or whatever.
But it created this like insane drama in their family.
Like just, yeah, you owe me.
Everybody wants the money and it's gone like instantly how they spend it.
And also creates all these problems because they have all these taxes to pay and stuff.
Anyway, it's kind of wild.
It's a very large percentage of people that win a lot of money in the lottery that are bankrupt within a year or two.
Yeah.
They're not very smart about it.
I guess if you're dumb enough to buy lottery tickets, you're not smart enough to make it.
Dumb enough to handle the money.
Marvel's Star-Lord is now a polyamorous bisexual.
Huh.
Isn't that kind of redundant?
If you're polyamorous, aren't you?
Everything like isn't bisexual.
Multiple partners.
Bisexual is the two sexes, but then polyamorous is wait.
Oh, yeah, because polyamorous.
I've got multiple partners.
Bisexual is you might have one or the other.
Okay, I guess I was thinking pansexual.
So bisexual means this is a man or woman.
Polyamorous means you have one on each side.
So that's what happened in the comics.
This is in the comics.
The superhero finds himself teleported to a mysterious dimension named Morinus, a place of rebirth where Star-Lord spends 150 years with an alien man and an alien woman while only a few short months pass in our world.
As he embraces his two lovers, the alien says, Congratulations, Peter Quill.
The you that was is over.
You are newborn and ready to learn our ways.
Does he say that in a very seductive voice?
I don't know.
I don't read comics.
I like the idea that anytime Chris Pratt does or says something, then Marvel does a comic to like to slam him or to go the other way.
Yeah.
Like Star-Lord rejects Christ, accepts the flying spaghetti monster.
He wears a MAGA hat and then they're like, Star-Lord wears Black Lives Matter shirt.
They just, yeah.
He drinks water from an organic husk instead of a plastic bottle.
I don't know.
Organic husk.
Some husked alien creature.
No, that's not, that's meat.
You think like a tusk?
A husk, like a husk of corn or something.
I don't know.
I'm not trying to get just like a shit.
When people get mad about what you've drunk, when you drank water from a plastic bottle, what's the alternative?
Okay.
His hands?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Anyway, that joke worked.
Yeah.
Google sends seven-year-old warning that his parents are monitoring his account.
And way too many people are okay with that.
That's an Ottoman headline.
Yeah, I didn't think you would be that opinionated to throw your opinion into the headline.
That is freaky.
So this seven-year-old, it's weird he has his own email address, but like he got an email from Google.
You can see it right here.
It's freaky.
For homeschooling.
So he has to have this Google for homeschooling, Gmail or whatever.
Yeah.
And so then he gets it says, Hi, Liam.
This is Google's voice.
We want to remind you that your parent is supervising your privacy is important to us.
Yeah.
That's freaky, right?
Sincerely.
The family link team.
Figure out what the thought process was here because I get the, they'll, they'll periodically, because I'll do like the location sharing with my family.
Yeah.
And periodically, they'll be like, hey, just a reminder.
And see where you are.
Yeah.
You know, like I pull up to the bar.
I'm like, I'm going to have a few beers.
And then Google will be like, just a reminder.
Your mom and dad are watching.
Yeah, that's very strange.
But yeah, I don't understand this.
That doesn't really happen.
I was just kidding.
The beers.
The beers.
Genius.
These code breakers just crack the Zodiac Killer's infamous 340 cipher, 340 cipher, 51 years after it was published.
Cracked it.
Little late, guys.
What does it say?
So that was like the famous all the symbols all in trying to figure out what he was writing.
Yeah, I didn't read, but they were saying like a.
Oh, here it is.
I hope you are.
We need to read this.
Do you have a good serial killer voice?
Can you do a good Ted Cruz?
I have no idea what Ted Cruz sounds like.
I only read, I never watch videos.
I hope you were having lots of fun trying to catch me.
That wasn't me on the TV show.
Which brings up a point about me.
I am not afraid.
I'm going to turn it into the Joker.
I am not afraid of the gas chamber.
They're always like awkward guys.
Because it will send me to Paradise all the sooner.
There you go.
Because I now have enough slaves to work for me.
Where everyone else cares nothing when they reach Paradise.
So they are afraid of death.
I am not afraid because I know that my new life is life will be an easy one in Paradise Death.
There's some typos.
Paradise is spelled wrong.
Spelled like a board game store that would call itself Paradise.
Paradise.
Paradise.
Oh, Paradise.
Paradise.
It's like a Paradise.
Yeah.
There is a game store called Paradise down in San Antonio.
The GameStop I used to go to as a kid, the guy that owned it or that was the general manager or whatever was, I'm trying to remember his name.
I'm going to forget his name.
Herbert or something like that.
Just some real nerdy name.
And he'd talk like that.
I'd be like, oh, you guys get the new Xbox yet?
No.
We don't have any Xbox here.
And it was just like, he was just way over the top with everything.
Don't get the Xbox because it's terrible.
It was like very comic book guy.
Exactly how you would picture him, too.
There's a gamer store in my hometown called the Game Hen.
Game Hen, okay.
But like when you say it quickly, it sounds like the game in going to the game in.
Yep, going to the game in.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Is there?
Teacher assistant mortified after missing rude detail on Christmas cardigan.
So she's the shirt with reindeer on the front.
Yeah, this is like a cardigan.
It's got these reindeer on it.
But if you look closely at what the reindeer are up to, that laugh is the season to be jolly.
You just like involuntarily did the Mary Poppins laugh.
I want to laugh.
Long along Cleo.
You guys start floating.
I don't know what the Mary Poppins laugh is, but okay.
You ever seen that?
The guy that he's laughing and he floats.
I've seen him, but I don't know.
He's very whimsical.
It is whimsical.
That's the way it caught you up, Cardinal.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what we can show of this, but we'll blur out kind of the groin area or something.
We just showed that these reindeer are reproducing on this shirt.
Trying to figure out how to get around this.
Kyle?
Sentence spelled out by balloons breaks Guinness World Record.
I made you read the Guinness Record one.
Did you do that on purpose?
I guess I picked who went first.
Oh, yeah, there's the sentence.
Success has nothing to do with luck.
It is a matter of consistency.
I was thinking about...
Fairly true-ish.
I was thinking about what bugs me about the Guinness records.
Every week we get a new monologue about your opinions on the, which is my fault.
This feels like it could be topped pretty easily.
That's what bugs me about.
They pick some arbitrary number, and it's like, well, if I wanted to, I could beat that.
And I have no special set of skills.
Yeah.
And I could beat this record.
Yeah, anybody could do this.
I feel like it's really compensating for how dumb the thing is.
Wasn't there like a story where this town beat the world record for like the amount of balloons and it created like a horrible something bad happened.
But they released them all together.
All of them.
Yeah.
Because it was millions or something.
Oh, man.
Here's a story somewhere about that.
Google that.
Yeah.
Yeah, because it went all into the water and the lake and like a bunch of stuff.
It created problems.
Well, screw you guys.
No more Guinness records.
Yeah, right.
Sure.
Let's do stories of the week.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
As Dr. Jill Biden and her husband went out to eat over the weekend, a man began choking on his Denver omelette.
But lucky for him, Dr. Jill Biden was there, and she is a doctor.
We need a doctor over here, cried a waiter.
Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr. Jill Biden sprang into action.
I'm a doctor.
She said, well, she did.
I'm a doctor.
I'm going to need a podium and a microphone.
Stat.
A busboy hurried over with the life-saving tools.
Dr. Jill Biden thanked him and then began delivering a speech on meeting students' needs at the community college level.
So dumb.
That was a long summary.
I'm out of the loop on this.
She's not really a doctor, but she insists on being called one.
I don't even think she insists on me calling it a doctor.
It just became one of those issues everybody has to take a side up.
Somebody probably made some dumb comment online and it just became a thing.
And then we said, all right, we'll make a joke about it.
Everyone's going to talk about it.
I guess we'll make a joke about it.
But the funny thing was the inconsistency because they wouldn't refer to Ben Carson as a doctor.
Yeah.
Very rarely would like the New York Times, they would say Mr. Carson.
Dr. Ron Paul, who delivered babies for decades.
Nope.
Just Ron Paul, Mr. Paul, Representative Paul, whatever.
But even imagine if it was one of those guys and they weren't a doctor, but they people were taking, like, that became, call them a doctor.
Well, she's a doctor of, she got her, what is the education one?
EDD.
EDD.
That counts as a doctor, but it's not a PhD.
It's like a different kind of doctor.
Yeah, it's not a PhD.
But I think teaching doctor.
To me, I don't mind if it's.
I don't care.
Call a doctor, whatever.
But it's like an inconsistency.
And I think there's a context thing, too.
Like, if you're going to a dinner with some friends or some acquaintances, you don't introduce yourself, Dr. Jill Biden.
Yeah.
You know.
But if you're on school, if you're on school grounds and you're giving a lecture, the students would probably refer to you as doctor.
I remember going to college, the professors who had a doctorate, you call them doctor, whatever.
Even if it was doctorate in theology or whatever.
I don't see the problem with that.
The person that is a doctor and they insist you call them the doctor.
That's when you know.
I don't think that's the case in Joe Biden's case, but I do.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
That is annoying.
Yeah.
Actually, it's doctor.
It's doctor, please.
I have a doctorate in satire.
Dr. Mann.
Would you take a doctor seriously if you went in and he's like, I'm Dr. Mann?
Dr. Mann?
Sure.
Why not?
So.
Yeah.
Cool.
Ben Shapiro weighed in.
He said, I'm sorry, telling a white lady in her.
Okay.
Okay, listen.
Okay, listen, folks.
Okay, guys.
I got off.
Okay, listen up, folks.
I'm sorry.
Telling a white lady in her late 60s that you should stop calling yourself doctor because she's not an actual medical doctor.
That is not sexist.
It's not.
That's what he said.
Well, that's what it became a sexist thing.
Yeah.
Well, I think somebody was saying it's sexist to not refer to her as doctor.
And then that was his response.
Okay.
So, hmm.
But I disagree that you don't have to necessar that it has to be a medical doctor to be, to use the degree to the title doctor.
Right.
Because I think it was actually like philosophers were called doctors before medical doctor.
I mean, yeah.
This is dumb.
And then Hillary Clinton said, her name is Dr. Jill Biden.
Get used to it.
Owned.
And she snapped her fingers like this.
Wow.
This is just an example of how dumb an argument becomes where every side is like having to pile on what they say.
Hmm.
And then Twitter had fun with it.
So everybody started making their own doctorates up.
Well, it was like for a long time for a while there on Twitter for a couple of weeks anyway.
Everybody was changing their handle to like president-elect.
Okay.
I'm president-elect Kai-Man.
And I think I'm on Twitter.
I miss all this somehow.
I don't know.
And now everybody's like, doctor.
Doctor.
Yeah.
So doctor could be a pronoun that you assert.
Yeah.
I identify us.
Do we just tell the conservative?
We need a counter.
There's one conservative joke, right?
Well, we have it.
I think we are allowed.
I just saw a guy say that's one of the three conservative jokes.
Well, I think we may have developed a third.
Didn't we develop a third on this show?
I thought we decided we had the third.
Oh, it was the science lab.
Slapping Black Lives Matter on something to make it okay.
Oh, yeah.
We decided that was the third conservative joke.
So we have three now, and we need a fourth.
Three is a magic number.
Trinity.
But each show, we're allowed to tell the two jokes each once.
Okay.
So that was what.
I used it up.
Well, I used one of them, yeah.
Okay.
So now we can do the other one.
The other one is, did you just assume my gender?
Okay.
So we can do that at some point later on in the show.
But this is a perfect example of a controversy that's a non-controversy that like a year from now, you're going to be like, what?
No one will be talking about it.
What are you telling me?
That would be like three days from now.
Yeah, exactly.
Probably by the time this podcast comes out, what are they talking about?
Who?
Huh?
Yeah.
Next story.
Disney announced about 7,560 new Star Wars shows yesterday.
But that's just the tip of the iceberg as more shows are now soon to follow.
We at the Babylon B have a Star Wars insider.
We're not saying it's Gina Carano.
Carano, Caranyo, Carano.
But we're not saying it.
Now she's not going to share this video.
I don't know how to say that.
Carano.
Carano.
It's like Corona, but mixed up.
We asked her, or him, or them, what shows have yet to be announced?
And they were able to tease these upcoming shows.
Oh, they sound amazing.
So there's a list.
All right.
So here's all the Star Wars shows.
I know Ethan's really excited about this.
He loves talking about Star Wars.
So we have My 3,000 Pound Life, which is.
Is that a Job of the Hut joke?
Even I get that.
That's an inside look at the triumphs and tragedies of being a body positive hut.
Body positive hut.
He goes from Job of the Hut to Job of the Hut.
That's good.
Like that.
That's good.
Good job.
Tatooine's Got Talent.
Get it?
Because it's not America.
It's Tatooine.
Which isn't a planet.
But see, Tatooine has various musicals.
Couldn't that be Earth's Got Talent?
Oh, they have music there?
Yeah, like Fig Rundan and the Modal Nodes.
Okay, I don't know.
The Max Rebo Band.
You know that what's so funny about the Star Wars universe is like, I think Red Letter Media talked about this: how it's supposed to be this huge galactic universe, but in every movie, like they stumble across the same side characters that just happen to be there on this planet.
And like, it did every cantina you go in in the whole universe is playing the same song.
Well, in those sci-fi, like, a lot of times, a planet is really just another town.
Yeah, it's just on a different scale, right?
Yeah.
It's like, oh, this is the one where everybody's a hillbilly or something.
Why is the entire planet of hillbillies?
The whole planet?
The whole planet.
Forests.
Yeah.
That's not how planets work.
Well, there are some planets that are just really cool.
I'm not a scientist.
Are you a doctor?
Jim.
Darn it, Jim.
I can't say it.
It's a great Star Wars reference.
Next one is Better Call Maul.
That's a good one.
I like that one.
We follow Darth Maul's post-fall life as a CD lawyer clawing his way to the top of the exciting Dathomir legal world.
Oh, there's a link with more stuff.
If you click on it, there's more jokes you can use.
Oh, I have to make up jokes.
Here's another one: A Thousand Ways for Rose Tico to Die.
Because people don't like that one.
We just killed it.
He just kills Rose every episode in a different way.
He's like Kenny on South Park.
Yeah.
I actually know what that's about, even though I've never really seen it.
How about Watto and the Tatooine Pawn Stars?
Makes no sense to me.
You don't get that at all.
Do you remember Watto?
I don't know about Pawn Stars.
Kind of.
I never really watched it, but is Watto that weird snouty guy?
Yep.
No, that's flying.
Yeah.
Hey, good job, dude.
I'm so proud of you.
Where did I see who's on a toy or like a cup?
I think we had like a Taco Bell cup or something.
You got to get out of his husk.
You get like the free cup from like, you know, it's like we had it for like a 10, like 10 years or however long it's been since that came out.
Your credits are no good here.
Only money.
And he's like basically a racial stereotype.
He's totally a racial stereotype.
100%.
We won't say what race, even though Owen Benjamin wants us to.
So people come in and try to sell their stuff, and he's like, best I can do is three hutties true boots.
The next one is that was good.
I don't deal with good Jar Jar.
That was great.
So Jar Jar Binks cooks up.
He's combining stuff.
He cooks up his dust sticks to pay his medical bills.
Okay.
You said it, so you can do the next one.
Okay, this show is just.
Oh, I guess I would do that.
Oh, yeah, that's how that would work.
This show is just five seasons of baby Yoda doing cute things.
I would watch that.
Yeah, I would do well.
Naked and Afraid on Hawk.
It'd be like Yoda Babies instead of Muppet Babies.
Which Yoda's a Muppet, so Yoda Babies.
Space Muppet Babies.
Space, yes.
Sorry, I ruined your Naked and Afraid on Hawk.
That's the joke.
Next one.
That's it.
Okay.
What's Hoff?
Is that a planet?
That's a snow planet.
That's a planet.
It's all snow.
This planet?
Snow.
Yep.
Ice planet.
The Taunton King.
Oh, like Tiger King?
Took me a minute.
I was trying to figure out.
There's a way to suck all the humor out of this.
We have discovered it.
Oh, that's like this.
I'm just like, can I get these?
And I don't pay attention to Star Wars very much.
The great Bothan Bake Off.
Many Bothans died to bring us these pies.
Okay.
How I Met Your Father.
Not bad.
Thanks.
Do I need to read all that?
Dirty Jobs with Darth.
Darth Vader just goes around and documents all the dirty jobs.
To catch an SJW.
How's that Star Wars?
Star Jedi Walker?
SJW?
No, Social Justice Warrior.
So this is Gina Carano.
This is more like a reality thing.
Gina Carano entraps.
Saying your last name confidently like that.
It's Carano.
Carano.
Okay, just making sure.
Entraps and then ambushes whiny Star Wars fans on the internet and confronts them in person.
And then she beats them up.
All right.
I would watch it.
I don't know.
The masked bounty hunter.
Because then you try to take off the Mandalorian's mask and he freaks out.
Because they got masks.
But if you take off his helmet, he'll kill you.
Oh, really?
So it's like, oh, let's see who it is.
And he tried to take off his helmet.
He's like, no.
And then he kills them all.
Sith Busters.
This is just funny because it sounds like MythBusters.
I got it.
Okay.
Star Wars.
All right.
Well, next story, huh?
Do it.
After years of fighting lame California politicians who want to lock everyone in their home so they can't even go to space or build cool stuff.
Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced he was moving to the land flowing with milk and honey, Texas.
Almost immediately after the move, he announced a new product the whole world has been waiting for.
The Tesla AR-15.
Would that be like...
I guess it's electric, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, it runs on electricity.
It has a flamethrower.
You would definitely have a flamethrower.
You can change your mind.
You can talk to it with your mind without moving your mouth.
Like, you just think.
All this stuff happened with Tesla?
Shoot that bird.
And then it just doesn't.
Oh, is he working on that?
You were telling me something about the brain.
He saw when he was on Joe Rogan and he's like.
But he was probably high.
I want to do a thing where you can talk to somebody and you don't have to move your mouth.
I don't know why I'm making him sound slightly European.
Is he?
He is, right?
The name is South African.
Oh, South African.
Okay.
Okay.
He just sounds different.
Different brain.
But anyway, so yeah, he's a Texan now.
So now he talks like, woo-wee!
And he pronounces Tesla, Tesli.
Go down, Tesla.
So he's been, he likes us.
At least he likes some of our stories.
He's a strange obsession with us recently.
Yeah, like he keeps tweeting.
He like reply to our stories.
You're all tweeting.
He randomly tweeted one day, the Babylon Bee is savage.
Yeah.
And then like, we posted a story about him, didn't you, that day?
Like we did it like a couple days later.
You just randomly tweeted in the sound.
We didn't know what story he was.
He found us somehow.
And he just some lot rolling laughing.
And then we had some old story.
I saw people were sharing stories with him that were that we had done.
Like we had the Noah's Ark one and stuff.
And then he was like, he's catching on.
He's finding all these jokes we made.
Yeah.
And then there was a weird one where the onion posted some story and he just went under it and just tagged us with no explanation.
Yeah.
So we were like we're buds.
So oh yeah, so if you're watching Elon Musk.
Hello, Mr. Musk.
Dr. Musk.
Dr. Musk.
If you'd like to, you should come on the podcast.
Yeah, come on.
Tell us about mind reading stuff.
Robots.
And if you want to purchase the Babylon Bee for $50 million, we'll entertain that offer.
Yeah, we will sell anything.
We're total sellout.
Total.
100%.
So, what else would Elon create in Texas?
Yeah, well, now he's in Texas.
Rocket-powered barbecues.
Yeah, he could do it, bore out a huge underground brisket pipeline.
I'm trying to picture this.
Because briskets, what is brisket?
It's like shredded.
You see shredded meat.
No, is it shredded?
I was thinking it could be the pulled pork pipeline.
And it has a nice alliteration to it.
So, is this where you could have a pulled pork faucet?
That's what I'm saying.
You go up and you go, yeah, you just like so you're get it out.
You're at the gym and you're like you're at the gym, you go over to the drinking fountain and yeah, or it's uh it's like the drinking fountains in the park where it shoots into the air, then down and you just put your mouth into the stream NASCAR, but with rockets.
I don't know.
Yeah, it goes so fast it just looks like a blurry oval on your screen.
Stuff's happening.
Um, electric-powered cows.
Yeah, that's good.
Maybe he would do something where he puts like a robotic device on the cows behind and turns the fart into something.
Yeah, you return the fart into candy or something.
Yeah, candy or like something really good for the world, like candy.
Yeah, I was trying to get something more healthy.
Like what?
I don't know.
Electric, no, it turns into a fan that wind power.
I don't know.
He is going to put the first meme on the moon by 2024.
The guy was going on Twitter and just like blasting memes.
He's just me.
He's meme and harmony.
I was trying to picture the scene in the corporate headquarters where he's like, Arlene, hold my calls.
Cancel my two o'clock.
And he, I got stuff to work on.
And he just starts like going on meme generator and like making me.
You can hear a muffled laughter in his office.
He's just reading memes.
I'm sorry, Mr. Musk doesn't want to be disturbed right now.
There's like a whole like, yeah, there's like a whole long table of all these executives waiting for him, you know, like Hudsucker proxy style.
Did you see what the Babylon Bee posted?
This is hilarious.
They're trying to talk to him, sir.
That's fantastic.
Second quarter numbers.
Oh, yeah, it's your turn.
Oh, we were trying to figure out a way that he could make the beer hat more efficient.
More efficient with the two beers.
I don't know if it's more beers or he could make it so that the beer, you know, how he made the rocket shoots out of space and lands right where you want it to?
Yeah, like lands on it.
So when the beer runs out, like those fly and they land in the recycling container, then two more beers shoot out of the fridge and land right in your hat.
Yeah.
Or even a distribution thing where it's at their warehouse and you're just like, I really could use a beer.
And it's like the Tesla beer warehouse, there's just beers flying out of it out into people's mouths.
Beer incoming, and you'd like to do this.
Yeah, they could probably do it.
They can sense when you need another beer.
You don't have to, because you're thinking they have to say it.
And it's all powered by electricity.
Yeah.
Or the moment something that kind of sad happens.
Yeah.
You know, like you're like, oh, the moment it's like you just got in a fight with your wife, a beer appears in your hand.
I think it was Chesterton who said, only drink when you're happy, not when you're sad.
Giant sweet tea fire hose.
I don't know.
Because they'd like drink sweet tea.
He could overcome.
He's in Texas.
He might overcome the genetic problems with inbreeding.
That's terrible.
Why would you make that joke, Kyle?
Why'd you write that in there?
I didn't write that.
That's disgusting.
I don't know who wrote that.
All right, let's move on to our topic of the week.
And now, the Babylon Bee's topic of the week.
Chesterton.
Chesterton.
GK Chesterton.
So G.K. Chesterton, known for being very prophetic, though he doesn't like, he wasn't actually prophesying, but propheticizing.
In the sense where the Babylon Bee has been prophetic, where we've written a story, and then later on, it's like, hey, that's like But it's a little different in his case.
Yeah, he'll like say something anyway.
He did predict, like, he'd say, one day this might happen, and then it would actually happen.
This is where he'll say, this is where this philosophy is leading.
Like, he actually did three years before the beginning of World War II.
He died three years before.
He warned against Hitler before anybody else was freaking out about him.
And somebody edited the document.
I lost it.
He was warning about the outbreak of violence against the Jews.
He predicted the war would come, that it would begun on the Polish border.
That would be the most horrible war in history.
He predicted with airplanes that wars would be conducted not just between soldiers, but on innocent civilians.
And he also predicted that Russia would, he predicted the rise and fall of communism in Russia before it happened.
Pretty good.
None of that's in this list, but that's awesome.
We've got some great quotes.
We're talking about prophecies in a more general sense.
And here we go.
We're going to run through the top 10 Chesterton prophecies fulfilled.
All right.
And yes, we're saying that every time.
Fulfilled.
All right, number one.
We shall soon be in a world in which a man may be howled down for saying that two and two make four, in which people will persecute the heresy of calling a triangle a three-sided figure and hang a man for maddening a mob with the news that grass is green.
Feels like we're headed there for sure.
Well, we are.
I mean, the two and two make four thing was an actual thing.
It's like racist and colonialists to believe that two and two make four.
He had another quote about this where it was like, we will stand with swords in our hands and fight to the death the idea that two and two.
It's part of this same thing.
Yeah.
His point was that we all take for granted what we call reasonable or rational.
Like we all think that, oh, well, that's reasonable.
But like today's reasonable things are tomorrow's uprisings and rebellions because we, you know, things that were reasonable 100 years ago or whatever, they're not reasonable now.
Yeah, and he had this.
That's why you need to be a person who thinks about what you actually believe because just going off of what culture says is reasonable.
Yeah.
It means nothing.
It's fluctuating constantly.
Yeah, he talks a lot about how being conservative or believing in tradition is the most revolutionary thing in many cultures.
Eternal rebellion.
Very true right now.
So I'm going to declare this one prophecy fulfilled.
All right.
Therefore, the modern man in revolt has become practically useless for all purposes of revolt.
By rebelling against everything, he's lost his right to rebel against anything.
Are we including this long paragraph as part of that?
Oh, is that part of it?
Oh, it is part of it.
Okay.
Linked to larger paragraphs.
Or maybe it might help put it into.
Oh, yeah, because this is that.
Oh, yeah, this is the real.
This is better.
Yeah, I got to read this.
It's long, but this is really good.
This isn't the same as that big.
Whatever.
Go ahead.
Suppose that a great commotion arises in the street about something.
Let us say a lamppost, which many influential persons desire to pull down.
Have we read this on the podcast?
Yeah.
But keep going.
It's so good, though.
A gray-clad monk who was the spirit of the Middle Ages approached upon the matter and begins to say in the arid manner of the schoolman, Let us first all consider my breath and the value of light, if light be in itself good.
At this point, he is somewhat excusably knocked down.
All the people make a rush for the lamppost.
The lamppost is down in 10 minutes.
They go about congratulating each other on their unmedieval practicality.
But as things go on, they do not work out so easily.
Some people have pulled the lamp post down because they wanted the electric light.
Some because they wanted old iron.
Some because they wanted darkness, because their deeds were evil.
Some thought it not enough of a lamppost, and some too much.
Some acted because they wanted to smash municipal machinery.
Some because they wanted to smash something.
There's war in the night.
No man knows whom he strikes.
So gradually and inevitably, today, tomorrow, the next day, there comes back the conviction that the monk was right after all.
That all depends on what is the philosophy of light.
Only what we might have discussed under the gas lamp, we now must discuss in the dark.
That's good.
I classified that as prophecy fulfilled because of all the reasons that people had to tear down the lamppost just because they wanted to smash something.
That was, oh, man.
Fantastic.
Yeah, that's right.
It's been all the statues being torn down.
We're in a culture that loves tearing down right now, but you do get the sense that none of them really know why they're doing it, and they all have different reasons.
They're different reasons.
There's definitely a lot of them just like tearing things down.
Yeah, it's like some want to replace it with something.
Some want to.
Yeah.
It's not like they're all going to get together and raise a statue that they all agree on.
Well, we got a perfect picture of this.
It was like Chaz.
He's like, we've done it.
We did it.
What now?
You know, and there's like, no.
Prophecy.
Did I hurt your ears?
Sorry.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Because Ethan won't say it, honestly.
I keep forgetting.
Number three, when all are sexless, there will be equality.
There will be no women and no men.
There will be but a fraternity, free and equal.
The only consoling thought is that it will endure but for one generation.
So it hasn't happened yet.
Well, I don't know, but I wonder if we can already see this happening because of the whole sexual revolution and all that that already fell apart.
Right.
But it is like the constant, I don't know.
Yeah, just the undercutting of anything traditional, anything, you know, oh, you're just as straight and normal.
You don't, you're not like into like, you know, a bunch of other stuff sexually.
What are you?
Some kind of square?
You like girls?
That is like the weird pressure that's coming.
You know, my kids at a teenage age, like in schools, it's like this weird pressure to not just be some boring old straight, straight-laced.
Oh, I just realized we read two, that those were two separate ones.
The rebellion against everything he's lost right against anything was two, and that large paragraph was three.
That was four.
Oh, okay.
So, yeah.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Prophecy fulfilled.
Is it my turn?
I think so.
I read the sexless one.
Satire has weakened in our epoch, epic, epoch, for several reasons, but chiefly, I think, because the world has become too absurd to be satirized.
You believe he wrote that in 1908.
Yeah, that in 1908.
1908.
And we're just like, man, how the heck do we write satire about the world in 2020?
And he was saying that 100 years ago.
Prophecy.
Fulfilled.
Fulfilled.
The trouble with modern England is not how many or how few people vote.
It is that however many people vote, a small ring of administrators do what they please.
Chesterton destroys the deep state and releases the kraken.
I do wonder what Chesterton would say about Trump.
That's what I'm saying.
I'm really curious.
I love to get Dale Alquist.
I'd love to get on and talk about that stuff.
He knows he's the president of the president of the society.
The American Chesterton Society.
Gotcha.
Prophecy.
Fulfilled.
Sorry.
I'm not doing it as good as you.
And I'm lost.
I lost my spot.
Oh, yeah.
Number seven.
Oh, no, it is.
It is only by believing in God that we can ever criticize the government.
Once abolished the God and the government becomes the God.
That's like a quote we take for granted.
I mean, it's like a.
Now it's obvious.
It seems pretty obvious, but it probably wasn't obvious when government was a little more fresh.
But yeah, we've talked about this.
I mean, if you don't have angels in heaven and demons in hell, then they're all here on earth.
And they're not.
Politicians become your worst possible beings you can imagine are human beings, and so you treat them as such.
Let's combine this with the next one.
The special mark of the modern world is not that it is skeptical, but that it is dogmatic without knowing it.
There you go.
Yeah, the I mean, it's like they get rid of the oppressive moral judgments of Christianity, and then they come up with their own set of moral judgments.
They get rid of in times prophecies, and then they come out with the world will end if we don't do this and this.
And you always have that, you always have dogma one way or the other.
Our Abigail Schreier interview is big.
Oh, man.
That's our whole thing's a religion.
A lot of the trans stuff that there's no science behind it.
It's just asserted.
Yeah.
You just have to, we all have to follow this set of rules.
Yeah.
Can't be questioned.
And it denies the physical reality in favor of this philosophy.
You can't talk about it.
Yeah.
Freaky.
Prophecy.
Fulfilled.
Was that better?
You're on number nine, I think.
The dim democracies of the valleys.
While a few prigs on platforms are talking about oneness and absorption in the all, the folk that dwell in all the valleys of this ancient earth are renewing the varieties forever.
With them, a woman is loved for being unmanly and a man loved for being unwomanly.
With them, the church and the home are both beautiful because they are both different.
With them, fields are personal and flags are sacred.
They are the virtue of existence, for they are not mankind, but men.
It's pretty beautiful.
It's a thing that, like, anytime people start talking about unity or this weird utopian idea that we're all going to like, hang and be, you know, we're going to, we're all going to have the same philosophy and we're all going to wear the same outfits and drink the same weird grape drink or something.
I don't know.
That sounds horrible.
The drink.
We don't think about how the store.
Like, because so much, there is so much trouble involved in a variety of human beings, we forget how much beauty is in it as well.
I think we would miss it if we lost it.
Yeah, I don't remember his wider point in that essay, but yeah, it was something about the difference between this like sameness that they want to bring on from the top down.
And like, everybody must believe these things and do these things.
And he said, the beauty of humanity is the differences.
And we've lost a lot of that.
And that is the continually, you know, that's the thing.
Because that's really the goal that seems to be what's behind like when they're asserting gazillions of genders, really they're asserting there is no gender.
It's all whatever you want to make it.
Right.
This whole idea that we're all everything, there is nothing, so we make it.
He makes a great point about that in orthodoxy about evolution.
Just say when you think about what evolution is, if it's not something God started, or if God uses evolution, then evolution literally is just, it doesn't mean, it means there's nothing.
It means globs of stuff turning to different globs at the best.
At best, there is no monkey turning.
There's no monkey, there's no man, there's no cell, there's no current glob of stuff.
Yeah.
All right, here's the prophecy.
You sound like a preacher.
Fulfilled.
All right, here's our final one.
And you know, why don't in the sub-portion, we can do five more.
How about that?
Sure.
Bonus.
We have some mail, but maybe we can save it for next time and just do the five bonus ones.
So if you want to stick around for the subscriber portion, we're going to do five more.
But here's the last one.
The weakness of all utopias is this, that they take the greatest difficulty of man and assume it to be overcome, and then give an elaborate account of the overcoming of the smaller ones.
They first assume that no man will want more than his share, and then are very ingenious in explaining whether his share will be delivered by motor car or balloon.
Yeah, they're like, oh, yeah, Sid Nature, we'll take care of that.
It's easy.
If we just, yeah, if we just set up the cars and the balloons and everything, right?
Yeah, that'll be fine.
Yeah, people will figure it out.
Because, yeah, that'll be done.
But it's like the same people.
That's the real issue.
It's like the same people who are like, capitalism doesn't work.
Everybody's too selfish.
They're going to steal.
And they're like, communism will work.
Yeah.
But everybody will just be expected to share.
The same gray bowl of stew.
The food.
The food cube.
The food.
All right.
Once and for all.
Prophecy fulfilled.
It's terrible.
That was bad.
Let's go to some hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Okay, we wrote a story saying that Trump was going to file a lawsuit against everyone who did not vote for him.
And Linda didn't like it.
This lady Linda did not like that.
Linda was not a fan.
Ethan, your best Linda rendition for us, please.
Your story about Trump suing everyone who didn't vote for him is not funny and not necessary, not even a sarcasm.
Aren't there enough people ridiculing him due to how uninformed they are about after being fed lies by a main yellow stream media?
Yellowstream?
That P?
Is that a P reference?
Please stop with this crap.
I will never subscribe to the B as long as you throw in such low-class punches such as this story.
Is that Linda?
Is Linda Adam Sandler?
I mean, I don't know.
What are you doing here?
I do like the idea that a mild joke criticizing Trump is low class.
Low class.
Trump, of all people.
Yeah.
So.
Sorry, Linda.
Sorry, you didn't like that one.
Sorry that you will never subscribe.
I hope you liked my voice I did, though.
Probably not.
She's like, it's spot on.
How does he know that I sound like this?
The Yellowstream Media.
That is the new one.
I got a Google with that.
I don't know if I want to search for that.
Yellow Stream.
Because the yellow papers or whatever they call it, the yellow news.
Like yellow journalism.
Yellow journalism.
So her head was just filled with all these terms and she couldn't.
Oh, she mixed it up.
Because I Google Yellow Stream Media and nothing comes back.
It's just.
Yellowstream.
But it kind of works.
It sounds like peepee.
It sounds like a phrase that they would make up, like Yellowstream, like Trump said sometime.
Yeah.
Yellowstream media is ball.
Yeah.
But no, it's not real.
Maybe she's trying to coin it.
She's trying to make it.
She's starting it.
Okay.
Cool.
All right, everybody.
Thanks for joining us today on the Babylon Bee podcast.
You want to subscribe?
We're going to go to the sub portion where we do five more Chesterton quotes.
Hold on, Kyle.
What are you doing?
Oh, oh, I forgot about this.
I don't know which one's mine, though.
The big one.
I assume that I can't touch it.
Put on my smoking jacket here for the yellow.
This is not mine.
For the subscriber portion.
Wearing my smoking jacket.
Let's go relax, Kyle, without these freeloaders.
Every day we go to the lounge in our smoking jackets.
Right.
That one must be yours over there.
We'll find out.
I'll figure it out.
Here we go.
Name tag on it.
That made Dan laugh.
See you later, low-class people, yellow stream, freeloaders.
Coming up next for Babylon Bee subscribers.
So anyway, we're going to do one subscriber email and then we're going to go ahead and read five bonus Chesterton prophecies.
And he says, I thought I'd let Ethan know that he's not alone with toddler poop stories.
This guy was not happy with our Kellen Erskine interview.
This is one of our best episodes.
It is true we make politics so big and we think about all the truly big things in life around us.
So sad we spend so much time on that kind of stuff.
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