Santa Hacked, Iron Crotch Kung Fu, and Death By Poodle News Show 12.11.2020
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 12/11/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan are joined by actress Wendy Shapero, who you may know from Dirt, Free Samples, Robot Chicken, or the voice of the mom from our very own Babylon Bee animation. They talk about the week's biggest stories like how our government is covering up aliens being among us, the vaccine being distributed through pyramid schemes, and how Santa's Nice List has become compromised through software glitches. They also talk about how Kung Fu masters look to spread the gospel of the iron crotch, read hate mail, and wonder how many trendy food products Wendy will pitch to us before the show ends. Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans This episode is brought to you by Faithful Counseling. Babylon Bee listeners get 10% their first month at that link. Intro Wendy talks about some of the roles she has played for The Babylon Bee and Robot Chicken. You might recognize her voice as the mom for our family or from the Halloween special. Here is the song she can't get out of her head right now. Stuff that's Good Kyle likes Almost Heroes Ethan likes Sugar Taylor sauce and Junebug rub Wendy Shapero likes walking on hot coals with Tony Robbins and TUSOL which she swears is totally not a pyramid scheme. Weird NewsAliens in hiding until mankind is ready, says ex-Israeli space head Space aliens have reached an agreement with the US government to stay mum on the experiments they conduct on Earth — as well as their secret base on Mars — until mankind is ready to accept them, the former head of Israel's space program, 87-year old Haim Eshed, claimed in a new interview. "Trump was on the verge of revealing [aliens existence], but the aliens in the Galactic Federation are saying, 'Wait, let people calm down first,'" Eshed, who helmed Israel's space security program from 1981 to 2010, reportedly said. "They don't want to start mass hysteria. They want to first make us sane and understanding." He also claims astronauts have already been to Mars… at the Alien's secret base California man punches 350-pound bear in face to save beloved dog 'Buddy' This happened in Nevada county, the bear had the dog by the head in its mouth and was dragging it back into the woods 100 ft away so Kaleb Benham ran out and punched the 350 pound bear in the face. Buddy went into surgery and came out after three hours with some stitches and some staples, but was able to return home for Thanksgiving. Benham and Buddy spent the holiday in bed resting up and healing. Buddy is expected to make a full recovery. "I'm OK, Just A Bit Tired": Italian Man Walks 450 Kilometers To Cool Off After Arguing With His Wife A man from Italy walked 280 miles after an argument with his wife He was caught by police and fined for breaking the lockdown. Wife had to pick him up and drive him back home after paying the fine. Mall Santa Rejects Nerf Gun Request, Brings Boy to Tears A video making the rounds on social media shows a mall Santa bringing a young boy to tears by rejecting the child's request for a Nerf gun, and going even further to say, "No guns." The New York Post reported the story, referring to the Kris Kringle imitator as a "politically correct Santa." Update: Christmas justice! That mall fired Woke Santa and got a nerf gun for the kid he made cry. Chinese "iron crotch" kung fu masters fight to preserve a painful-looking tradition These guys smash their testicles Its most famous technique involves a steel-plate capped log, 6.5 feet in length and weighing 88 pounds that swings through the air and smashes into a man's crotch. "When you practise iron crotch kung fu, as long as you push yourself, you will feel great," said Wang, head of the Juntun Martial Arts Academy. Man uses sword to slice 68 grapes while standing on balance board to beat world record Stories of the Week Story 1 - 138,000 Kids Suddenly Added To Santa's Nice List In Middle Of Night Summary: Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop. But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list. There was a suspicious adjustment of 138,000 votes all for Biden in the middle of the night in Michigan. There are still various Trump lawsuits and the state of Texas lawsuit about the election procedures around the nation. We will probably get banned from YouTube for talking about it though according to their latest email. Story 2 - In Order To Appeal To Suburban Christian Women, Vaccine To Be Distributed Through A Pyramid Scheme Summary: Many people are skeptical of the coming vaccine, some due to political reasons, and others due to religious reasons or the fact that all the numbers in the vaccine's serial number add up to 666 or something. But there's one group that will definitely be on board with the vaccine now: suburban Christian women. That's because the vaccine is being rebranded as an empowering wellness product called VacciLife. Women can sign on as an independent VacciLife consultant just by purchasing a $200 starter kit. Then, they're able to become their own boss and control their financial future by selling the vaccine -- and, even more importantly, a great business opportunity -- to their friends and family. Story 3 - Newsom Issues Double Stay-at-Home Order Where You Have To Stay In A Smaller House Inside Your Original House Summary: In an attempt to fight another spike in COVID-19 infections in California, Governor Gavin Newsom has issued the first ever double stay-at-home order. With the new order, people aren't only ordered to stay in their homes no matter what, but also aren't free to wander around their homes. Instead they have to stay inside smaller houses inside their regular homes. It's suggested that each member of the household stays inside their own tiny house until the pandemic ends, even babies. Once again a policy that favors the rich (they have space in their big houses for small houses) Newsom is trying to ban gathering, outdoor dining, etc. Lots of local county and city law enforcement aren't listening LA County tried to ban outdoor dining, but lost a court case about it. Newsom is a hypocrite going to French Laundry with no mask and no social distancing LA County Supervisor Sheila Kuehl voted to ban outdoor dining and then went to her favorite restaurant Chef Gruel who owns nation-wide chain of restaurants called SLAPFISH Seafood basically said the government's orders aren't based on any science that outdoor dining is causing the spread of COVID and that banning outdoor dining is causing more people to gather indoors in their homes which we know is causing the spread. He told the government he's going to stay open. He says, "It's crystal clear... elected officials are owned by corporate America or Silicon Valley, perhaps the entertainment industry— the rules don't apply to them. But they obviously apply to all of us small businesses, and we're getting crushed..." Pete Davidson calling people babies for wanting to end the lockdown and get back to work —- FROM HIS JOB (SNL) The Austin mayor told everyone to stay home while vacationing in Mexico Topic of the Week: Wikipedia's List Of Unusual Deaths Kyle recently became obsessed with this morbid topic. Hate mail A woman really takes issue with how we apparently are banning meals that serve more than six. Subscriber Segment Subscriber update Kyle and Dan are launching a Babylon Bee Reads podcast starting with The Lord Of The Rings. Get the book, read the foreword, prologue, and chapter 1 and look for episodes to drop in a few weeks. Mailbag We have a Carman sighting from Bee friendCameron Belt MAGABoomer Bonus hate mail - A MAGAboomer responded to our newsletter and didn't like us poking fun at Sydney Powell and sent us the most ALL CAPS, LINK-FILLED, ANIMATED GIF-filled MAGABoomer email we have ever received. And we are absolutely in love with it. Subscriber headlines We do a weekly rundown of the top subscriber-submitted headlines of the week and give shoutouts to the ones that even got published! HUGE shoutout! Got any cool stories?
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome.
Babylon Bee Podcast Time.
Finally.
We're back.
You were just barely surviving the week crawling through like on broken glass like Die Hard.
You know, you're playing John McClain.
He more just walked on it, right?
He eventually crawled relics right.
And you get to the end of the week, and here it is.
Babylon Bee podcast.
There's someone sitting here.
Yeah, we got a guest host today.
There is.
Wendy Shapiro is with us today.
Hi, guys.
Joining us for the news show.
And Wendy met us because we needed a, I was trying to find voice actors who wouldn't be terrified to do work for the Babylon Bee, which is hard.
And she came and did our mother character in our Satan.
Satan.
And episode.
And the Holly Apocalypse.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I was a zombie.
And you were actually the daughter in that one too.
And then I ended up putting Bridget does that good.
Oh, she was great.
Yeah, she did that.
Yeah, man, man, man.
What was the line of the happy little flowers?
Was that little flowers?
Thirsty little flowers.
Thirsty little flowers.
It's like the mother is right here in the room with us.
She is.
Incredible.
American voice actors, they do go into the voice.
Yeah, like I went to Simpsons reading one time and it's just bizarre.
Suddenly they start cranking the voices and it's just like, you're hearing the voice, but it's in the room with you.
We do this thing called Hollywood and Wine with all of these voiceover actors, Tom Kenny, who's the voice of SpongeBob and Tara Strong, you know, E.G. Daly, Debbie Derryberry, you know, who's a voice of Jimmy Neutron and Tara.
Tara Strong's like Harley Quinn and like Italy.
Everything, yeah.
I worked on something with her.
So yeah, so you're hearing you've done, well, you've done Robot Chicken?
Yes, I did.
That's cool.
I played a blonde missionary with a Munchie Chi going down the river.
So is that a job where you go into a studio with them and record?
Or do you just do it from home?
Yeah, Seth Green directed.
Okay.
Yeah.
It was actually, you know, it's one of those things where, of course, only in Hollywood, you're working for a crazy entertainment attorney who runs down the hall screaming your name.
But then you were also, you know, meeting folks in the industry.
And Matt Senrich, who was the creator, along with Tom Root, they I sort of became friends and I was at a holiday party and they were like, you should do Robot Chicken.
I'm like, I should.
I should.
And so they called me up.
They said, it's going to be the easiest job you'll ever do.
So I, you know, played a few characters.
One was Freddy, what was Freddy Krueger's wife?
So it was why he went crazy because he had a scratchy sweater from his daughter who got it from the holiday fair.
Yeah, we were just making the argument in this.
We're working on a short right now, another animated short.
It doesn't have actually, sorry, I don't need your part in it, but it's mostly a song.
But we do make the argument that Freddy Krueger is also a Christmas movie because he wears a Christmas suit.
He does.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Red and green.
All right.
And itchy.
Yeah.
Apparently, that's the way he got the claw.
I think that's all coming together.
Every movie is a Christmas movie.
All you need is snow.
All you need is snow or a Christmas tree or a dead terrorist without a machine gun.
Ho, She put that into a song.
Yeah, it will be.
Oh, speaking of, I can't stop singing your song.
Oh, kill your parents.
Kill your parents.
It literally wakes me up at night.
I have no joke.
I'm like, I walk around the house.
You got to stop doing that.
I was trying to give it that poppy earworm, and I think I pulled it off.
We rocked it.
Doesn't have to be.
Now we're stuck.
Seriously.
If you haven't watched it, go check out that YouTube video.
Yeah.
I don't remember what we called it.
Like, should parents let their daughter go watch Concert with Satan?
Yeah, it's on our animation playlist.
So go check it out on our YouTube channel.
It's hilarious.
And let's do some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
What's good, Kyle?
There's this movie that Chris Farley was in.
I believe it was the last movie he did.
It's called Almost Heroes.
And the concept is that Chris Farley and Matthew Perry are trying to compete with Lewis and Clark in the 1800s to make it to the West Coast.
Yeah, come out.
Did it come out after he died?
It might have come out posthumously.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I pronounce things wrong.
I pronounced the word heron wrong last week, like the bird.
Heron?
Heron.
How did you pronounce it?
Yeah, see, there's not here on.
How would you mess it up?
Huron.
Huron.
And so they end up titling the episode.
How do you pronounce heron?
Do you know Siskel and Ebert?
My mother used to say Sisko and Ebert.
Sisco.
Like, why?
It's Sisko.
There's an L.
It's right there.
Anyway, this is a great slapstick movie.
Almost Heroes.
If you like Chris Farley, I think it's one of his best.
I went and like looked.
You're ever depressed when you go look at the rotten tomato scores of movies that you like.
And it's like, I think the rotten tomatoes is like 10% or something.
Really?
This is a great movie.
Wow.
Classic movie.
I still quote lines from it all the time.
Yeah.
Was it not like politically crazy?
Well, but this was like late 90s where that wouldn't have been a big issue, really.
So anyway, Almost Heroes.
Check it out.
Okay.
So I'm going to be a little bit gratuitous right now because I got my one of my first ever a listener of the show said, hey, I work for a company and we make like because you like to grill and stuff, right?
Well, I make sauce and rub and you want to try it.
And he didn't even ask me to talk on the show, but I knew really that's what he meant.
Like, you know, you like it.
So I got some and I used it over Thanksgiving and I made it.
I put it on steak.
And so the sauce is called Sugar Taylor.
It's like this like it's kind of like a honey mustard type sauce, but a little more kick to it.
It's really good on turkey.
My kids liked it, even though it was a bit spicy.
And the June bug rub and put on everything.
So if you're the type of person that would buy soft and rub for off the internet, it's legitimately really good.
Junebug rub, sugar tailor sauce.
The June bug rub has some like chipotle and coffee in it and stuff like that.
It's a rich, flavorful.
But I legitimately liked these.
I've been putting on everything.
And so I figured, you know what?
I've eaten like half of this rub.
I should mention it.
I need a new rub.
Yeah.
It's spelled bug, B-U-G-G, by the way.
Junebug.
What do you think I was saying?
Well, you just said Junebug rub, but there's two G's at the end of bug.
Oh, is there?
Yeah.
Because I googled Junebug Rub and it came up with a meme with a June bug lying on its back saying, rub my belly.
Well, of course.
You can Google anything.
Yeah.
June bug.
June bug.
All right.
Yes.
Buy that.
Is that what people intend when they send us free stuff?
I'm guessing, but I got all this free stuff.
I'm like, oh, I'll have to do a mega.
I'm doing this so that people will be encouraged to send me more free stuff.
I don't know what people, I want people to send me.
I was trying to think of what I'm going to, I'm working for a company called Toefool.
Tofool?
It's not really.
I'm doing, you know, just to get free stuff.
Yeah.
Same sort of thing.
Like tofu?
It's Toesol.
T-O-S-O-L.
And it's so it's packets of like smoothies.
Okay.
You get 20.
Packets.
Smoothie packets.
Smoothie packets.
So it's 20, 20 in a box.
Okay.
And they can be auto-shipped.
But is that your stuff that's good?
That's one of the things that's good.
I have so many things that are good.
Are you recruiting people into a pyramid scheme on our podcast?
Oh, shoot.
Is that what this is?
Did I accidentally not realize what I'm actually doing?
Yeah, and it's an amazing business opportunity.
And here's my Venn diagram.
Here's my old circuit.
Cure garments.
Cured my kidney stones.
Right.
And Tony Robbins.
So we're going to have him selling a $10,000 package later, too.
Wow.
Anyway, sorry, Segway.
I can tell that's real or not.
It's actually true because I did go to a weekend workshop with Tony.
That's a whole other kind of conversation.
Hot coals.
Oh, yes.
Wow.
Okay.
Yep.
Yep.
And I mind-melded the guy who looked like one of those guys that, you know, steampunk character.
They're all there with their, you know, masks and goggles and like boots.
And I'm like, you will not set fresh coals on.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, wait, okay, wait.
Tony Robbins is here.
There's a bunch of milkshakes.
Sorry.
Steampunk guys walking on hot coals.
Drinking smoothies.
Yeah.
No.
So, sorry, I'm totally segueing right now.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Where did you find this?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
This isn't water, by the way.
Packsaw.
You don't care.
No way.
Anyway, all to say, no fresh, hot, hot coals.
They didn't burn my feet, but hundreds of others did.
The end.
That's the end of that.
You watched them.
Yeah.
You didn't go across?
No, I did.
I did.
But you didn't burn your feet.
I didn't burn my feet.
Okay.
Sorry.
But they're real.
Yeah, they were.
But then, you know, the guy was like, you know, putting fresh coals on.
I was like, yeah, do not put fresh coals.
Yeah.
It was like, don't put fresh coals on.
Don't put fresh coals on.
And he didn't.
And then right after I got across, he put fresh coals on.
And then people started screaming.
Yeah, then hundreds went to the hospital.
But you were at one of those.
That's what I was saying.
Yeah.
That's what she was saying.
Yeah.
This is.
It's all off word.
It's like interviewing Mike Lindell.
Like he buries the crazy parts.
When I was good.
I mean, like, I like these milkshakes where I watched and then people were on hot coals streaming.
I'm the CD Robbins.
Steampunk guy flies in.
He flies in in a Zeppelin.
And then you're.
What?
Wow.
I want to dig more into that.
We'll dig more into that in the subscriber portion.
I want to know what kind of wounds they had.
Blisters.
Okay.
Lots.
You're supposed to save it for the subscriber.
Sorry.
There's more to that story.
I bet.
Stay tuned.
I bet.
Find out what kind of injuries you get when you step on hot things in the subscriber portion.
Hundreds of people.
This concludes the most bizarre stuff that's good segment of all time.
Let's go to weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
All right.
What's weird?
What's weird today?
Aliens in hiding until mankind is ready, says ex-Israeli space head.
So aliens are.
This Israeli space program guy was saying that.
So he's not a spacehead.
That sounds like a space head.
Yeah, space head.
Space head.
There was a space head in one of the Star Trek movies.
That was the worst movie.
Space aliens have reached an agreement with the U.S. government to stay mum on the experiments they conduct on Earth, as well as their secret base on Mars, until mankind is ready to accept them.
What's that mean?
The former head of Israeli space program, 87-year-old Haim Ashed, claimed in a new interview.
You're going to make fun of my Jewish Hebrew pronunciation.
Trump was on the verge of revealing aliens' existence, but the aliens in the Galactic Federation are saying, wait, let people calm down first.
Ashed, who helmed Israel's space, what does that mean?
Let them calm down first.
People are walking like, Hail.
Hail, they're really like, and then they're, what, like, how are they going to be able to tell when they're ready to see an alien?
So is he implying that Trump had a meeting with these aliens?
Because Trump was on the verge of revealing their existence.
I said, wait, They're like, wait, people are too freaked out right now.
And Trump's like, it's not you guys, it's me.
They're freaking out about me.
They don't want to start mass hysteria.
Oh, no, that's not the alien talking.
That's Eshed.
Ished.
Ishid.
They don't want to start mass hysteria.
They want first to first make us sane and understanding.
That's nice of them.
It sounds like this guy is kind of.
I don't know, just saying stuff.
Yeah.
Sounds like my intro.
He also claims astronauts have already been to Mars at the alien secret base.
So these astronauts could emotionally handle seeing aliens, apparently, but the rest of us aren't ready.
How are they going to emotionally prepare us to see aliens for the first time?
Releasing more TV shows.
Was Trump step one?
Yeah, Trump was.
They're going to do Trump, and then we're going to do Biden.
Then we're going to do a weird dead guy.
President Ocasio-Cortez.
And then you'll be ready.
You'll be ready for aliens.
The world has to get more and more insane.
Clones.
Yeah, something like that.
California man punches 350-pound bear in the face to save beloved dog buddy.
This happened in Nevada.
The dog had the, or the bear had the dog by the head, Nevada County.
Oh, is that where it's Nevada County?
California.
Oh.
He's a California man.
It's confusing.
I hate those when they do that.
People should be able to, you can't steal the name Nevada for your state.
It's true.
It's probably named for the mountain range.
Oh, yeah.
So confusing.
So the dog's head was in the bear's mouth and it was being drugged back into the woods.
So this guy, Caleb, just goes running up there and I guess he like jumped onto the bear and started punching it in the face.
And it worked.
He lived.
And the dog went to the hospital and he's doing pretty good.
The dog lived too.
Yeah, the dog lived.
But he said the bear keeps coming back.
The bear's like, where's my dog snack?
He's like, I didn't get to finish my meal.
There's an alligator in a pond.
Did you see that one?
Is that recent?
Yeah.
It was an old man, an older guy.
Oh, yeah, the guy with the cigar in his mouth.
Yeah, and he goes into the and the, so yeah, a little itty bitty dog.
Yeah.
And then the alligator's like, a chomp, and he's like, tiny dog.
Yeah, this guy goes underwater, grabs his, rips the dog out, and he's still got the cigar in his mouth.
It's awesome.
He's got his hand prying the mouth open.
Yeah, he pries it open like that with a cigar.
He's this old guy, the mustard.
That would absolutely be you.
Yeah.
If you ever had to do anything like that.
I'm too scared to think.
Well, when we're playing disc golf, we're all like, and we're doing the whole windup, and Ethan's like, I've always got a cigar in it.
He doesn't like going to the bottom.
The whole point of going out there for me is to have a cigar.
You want to read the next one for us?
This is the blue headline right there.
Okay.
I'm okay.
Just a bit tired.
Italian man walks.
I see if I could, I need glasses these days, but I don't have them on me.
Italian man walks 450 kilometers to cool off after arguing with his wife.
So that translates to 280 miles.
Can the men in here relate to that?
We all relate there, for sure.
I once, I was early in my relationship with my wife.
This is kind of a personal story, but as a man who faithfully saved himself for marriage, we were now, I was at this point in my life where I was.
That close to this and we were, you know, as we were young lovers or whatever, and things are getting crazy steamy.
He's talking about sex.
Well no, because it's pre-marriage, so it wasn't sex yet.
Yeah, you're talking about waiting, but it was, like you know, crazy making out and stuff, because we're like getting close, we're like engaged, so it was just what this one night she just like it was like you know, it kind of ramps up like you know, you know we're gonna, it's gonna be a good night, or whatever, and then suddenly she just fell asleep, or so no, something happened, but it was just like cut off in an instant.
Yeah, god intervened probably yeah, and I just like paced the streets of this of the town for the night.
I didn't know what to do with it.
I was like a wild animal and it really scared her.
Well, how old were you?
It's like 31.
i have been a virgin for 31 years yeah i also saved myself for marriage but it was less impressive you were like 90 because i got married when i was 20.
So uh, you did it the right way.
But see, I would have took me a long time to find the wrong way.
Yeah, it's awesome.
So my, my wife and I are different.
Where I won't, I wouldn't do this.
This guy that walks, because I want to like, talk about it right away.
I'm like no no no, we need to, we need to sort this out.
And my wife is she'll, she'll just shut down, like she'll she, she would be the one.
She's like i'm gonna go take the 300 mile walk.
Yeah, my wife will want to have like a talk until it's solved, and it'll be like one in the morning, like I don't think we're gonna solve it right now.
Neither of us understand what the other one's saying at all these two different languages, but I can't, like I can't go to sleep.
I gotta talk about it.
Oh, so you're like her.
Yeah oh, I like your kind of guy, thank you please.
But but you go, you go there too, you're willing?
Oh, we talk a long time.
I try, it's just at a certain point I go, I don't.
I don't think it's going to be solved tonight.
No right yeah, one night, it's true, and my, my brain doesn't work that well.
Like one in the morning or two in the morning before it's getting late.
Got things to do in the morning, oh so this Italian man was caught by police and fine, he was fined for breaking the lockdown.
Yeah, what I love is that his wife had to drive out 280 miles, pick him up and drive him back out home after paying the fine, so that probably didn't solve the fights.
Yeah, it didn't help.
Whatever the fight was about and it was probably about something really dumb, it's true, to be honest, they were fighting over a pizza like gluten-free, irregular.
Does anybody remember the dumbest fights you've had?
I'm trying to think of some of my dumbest fights we had, really stupid.
I remember I kicked a light pole one time because I was mad at her for something and I was like oh, and she was like leaving in her car And I kick this like concrete light pole.
My toe, my god.
And I think the fight was instantly over because she just started laughing.
Bruise your foot.
You know, we always have to do it.
It's really dumb fights, yeah.
Like for her coupons, they justify purchases.
So, like, if I buy a thing and I forgot to use the coupon, it's like a darkness comes over our relationship.
And it was going to say 48 cents.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was going to say 40, yeah, something like that.
Or it's like you're forced to buy.
You know, it's like, I want to get the good meal.
You have to buy like this so you can get this, and then you get one free drink or whatever.
Like, I didn't want that.
I wanted the other thing.
I hate being forced to buy certain things.
Speaking of, I have another good thing.
To say 48 cents.
You know, another stuff that's good?
I have another stuff.
That time has passed.
Yeah.
Okay.
We'll make an exception.
What's your other thing?
Factor, factor meals.
It's all about food, apparently, because that's this topic.
Is there a business opportunity?
Are you ashamed about all these pyramid schemes?
No, it's just, it's easy.
It's ready-made food, but it's very healthy.
This episode brought to you by Factor and Tussel.
Tussel.
I think I'm pronouncing it wrong.
Cut that one out.
To Sol.
Tosal.
Tasal.
I can't help but notice that S-O-L is in the word.
Sol.
Yeah.
Well, no, it's SOL.
I know what that means.
Yeah, we can't say that.
Maul Santa rejects Nerf gun request.
Brings boy to tears.
This was a big one on the internet.
This video made the rounds.
Amal Santa was bringing a young boy to tears, but he rejected the child's request for a Nerf gun, and he said, no guns.
Yeah.
He goes, nope, nope, no guns.
Sorry.
Your dad can get you a gun or something, but I'm not getting you a gun, not even a Nerf gun.
He goes, what else do you want?
And the kid just sits there quietly for a while.
And he just like, you see how he's trying not to cry?
He just breaks down.
It's so sad.
Like a nerf.
And I think the kid's dad's a cop.
So he's like, you know.
Bad Santa.
Yeah.
What a.
I almost swore.
Defund Santa.
So it looks like there was an update that the mall fired him.
Yeah, that's cool.
The mall fired the woke Santa.
And bought the kid a Nerf gun.
Happy ending.
He's probably got like a million Nerf guns now.
That's true.
Like, goFund Me for a Nerf gun.
The kid has this huge wall that slides out in the library, and there's like 400 Nerf guns already, and he just wanted one more.
It's not that heartwarming, people.
Now, if you're that Santa that got canceled for the, you know, you're safe because, you know, but it's just funny that you hold that secret now.
I was the Santa in that video who denied that child a gun.
Well, nobody knows who I was.
Like if he goes to apply for another Salt Santa job, and they're like, hey, wait a minute.
I recognize those eyes.
Yeah, you have that weird kind of nasally New Jersey.
Yeah.
No.
How gone.
Chinese iron crotch kung fu masters fight to preserve a painful looking tradition.
There we go.
That's weird news.
Kicking Chinese guys kicking each other in the region.
In the region.
The southern region.
Yeah.
The first note says, these guys smash their testicles.
So Wang, who is the Wang is the head of the Jun Tun Martial Arts Academy.
And Wang said, when you practice iron crotch kung fu, as long as you push yourself, you will feel great.
So the guy's screaming on the ground like the people at the hot coal thing.
Like, you didn't push yourself.
Yeah.
It's okay.
There's been a way of like reframing pain into a good thing.
Yes.
Trent Reznor.
So they just like brutal.
Oh, wow.
So there's like the cartoonish.
Yeah, it's like a battering ram.
Big battering ram log, and they just like push it out, and it goes and they're like standing there.
Oh man, that's a full tree.
That's like a tree that's in the groin and why I mean, there's so many things we can ask that about.
Okay, he has two children and says it does not have any effect on fertility.
If there are more students, carry it forward and spread it to the whole country and the world.
If they can carry this form of kung fu forward, then my dream will come true, said Wang.
So he's like a like he wants to start Jehovah's Witnesses for crotch kung fu battering ram crotch.
We all got to have our thing.
We all got to have a purpose.
They're going door to door.
Do you have a moment to talk about the iron crotch?
Oh, they also have iron throat, iron head, iron chest, and iron back as well.
What could go wrong?
I'm like, I don't want to see, but I do want to see the effects of this on their genitalia.
Like, I don't want to look at it, but like, I want to see how to do.
Yeah.
In a more medical way.
Sure.
Sure.
For medical.
Yeah.
Medical purposes.
I just want to see the proof.
Well, I refused to read this last one.
So would you like to read it?
I like that it's 50.
It's 50 point.
Man uses sword or sword to slice 68 grapes while standing on balance board to beat world records.
I had to make sure to get one in there for a college week.
Every week we have to.
I'm on the record as hating world records.
Thanks for pronouncing it sword, by the way, and making fun of me and my hair on.
It's a callback.
It's a callback.
Callback joke.
So that's it.
I mean, who cares?
Who cares?
He did that.
You're not cool.
Well, I mean, it's a balance board.
He balanced.
See, here's the thing.
When you add more elements to it, it makes it less impressive.
Like, if you were just to say that a guy managed to slice, you know, 500 grapes in three minutes or something, I'd be like, oh, that's pretty cool.
But when they're like, well, standing on a balance board, I am wearing a Santa hat.
And there were 50 donkeys in the room.
I mean, like, it's too much.
It's too much.
Well, it's like you're trying to compensate for the lack.
Like, this isn't impressive enough, so we're going to compensate with all this other stuff.
But he's balancing.
Makes it harder.
Yeah.
Where do you find this stuff?
Odd news.
Interesting.
Just Google weird news.
Yeah, it's fun.
It's fun.
But now we're doing real stories of the week.
Stories of the week.
Okay.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop.
But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of Santa's list.
So if you look at the graph of naughty and nice, it's like it goes up and then like that.
Yeah.
So suddenly.
Lots of ballots came in.
Yeah.
Yes.
A bunch of them.
So at like 3 o'clock AM, a whole bunch of kids gave their allowance to a cancer charity and got out of bed.
And this is a completely normal thing.
It happens sometimes.
Yeah.
It's within the realm of probability.
Right.
There's no evidence of widespread Santa Claus changing lists.
Isn't Santa Claus kind of creepy with this like naughty nice thing?
Isn't that a little creepy?
I'm just thinking it's weird.
I'm always watching you.
Yeah.
It's already weird.
Like when you think about it, it's just for a different time, I think, but he's just, he's this old fat guy with a beard.
And like, oh, kids.
I don't know.
It's just weird.
I don't know.
Oh, kids.
Like, you'd think it'd be like a rabbit or like a dinosaur Barney or I don't know, just something more.
The Christmas dinosaur.
It's just not like a thing that you think, oh, for all the kids, we're going to do an old fat guy with a giant beard that dresses in a weird outfit.
You see how hard it is to keep up with this guy?
It's too much for me, honestly.
So if I'm like Christmas dinosaur, yeah.
Did you see, speaking of, did you see the Mel Gibson film, The Santa?
I did.
I was actually disturbed.
I was, well, I wanted it to be so good, and it was kind of slow.
Couldn't do it.
We couldn't do it.
Wait, the movie's out?
Yeah.
I saw the trailer.
Yeah, I thought it was going to be a while.
Yeah, it's on Amazon to rent.
It just wasn't enough.
Almost every moment in the trailer is in the final five minutes.
I got a little bit of that sense, yeah.
So like it's not really Santa with a gun.
It's just progressive Santa.
Is it progressive Santa?
It sort of feels.
I don't know.
Kind of.
I didn't watch it to the end, so I really don't know.
Maybe there's redemption.
It was, yeah, it was slow.
He does have a gun in the end, so a nerf gun.
I think if you're going to do breaking bad Santa, like you need to like, you need to commit to that.
You really need to commit to that.
And it kind of walked a weird line.
Yeah.
It was a little art filmy and a little like, I don't know what it was doing.
And you're just like, what?
It's, it took itself too seriously while on the dressing itself in this ridiculousness.
And you're like, are you trying to be deep here or something?
I don't know what's going on.
Yeah, I was hoping for like the equalizer or like slogan or something.
Action movie with Santa.
So no decapitations or anything?
I don't remember.
There wasn't a lot of violence in it.
I was kind of just in a haze when I watched it because I was just like disappointed.
And it's not that it was horrible.
It just wasn't great.
Which is not a ringing endorsement.
No.
Not when there are other things you can watch.
Yeah.
There's so much now.
It's a huge flood, big fire hose.
I just know how you get that wrong.
You're going to do this movie with gritty gun-toting Santa with Mel Gibson in the lead role.
And is it Wade Goggins?
He's awesome.
He's hilarious.
I love that guy.
And he's the bad guy.
And then is that disappointing?
Sad.
Yes.
Not good.
So are we still talking about the not even nice list?
I don't know.
Is that good enough?
We already know what it's referring to, obviously.
We can't say it, though.
We can't say it because YouTube has now announced that they will take down anything questioning the results of the thing that happened.
That's psycho.
In the beginning of November.
So there's a giant event with two very important people, apparently, and on TV.
There was two old men.
Two old men, and they were talking a lot.
And then a bunch of people put paper in boxes.
And you could write one of their names on the paper.
In the middle of the night, a bunch of them suddenly appeared and shot up.
Allegedly.
But there's no evidence of widespread voter fraud.
Fact check.
True.
So yeah.
All right.
Even though there's full-on court cases going on about the old men in the white paper boxes.
Story two.
Story two.
Many people are skeptical of the coming vaccine, some due to political reasons and others due to religious reasons or the fact that all the numbers in the vaccine serial number add up to 666 or something.
But there's one group that will definitely be on board with the vaccine now, suburban Christian women.
That's because vaccine, the vaccine, is being rebranded as an empowering wellness product called Vasa Life.
Women can sign on as an independent Vassalife consultant just by purchasing a $200 starter kit.
Then they are able to become their own boss and control their financial future by selling the vaccine and even more importantly, a great business opportunity to their friends and their whole family.
You might be interested in that.
We just brought you on to mock you.
It's all right.
$200 starter kit.
That's not bad.
That's not bad.
I could, I could, it's an easy investment.
Yeah.
I think like when LulaRowe was big, it was like $5,000 to get started.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Like, you had to buy different ones.
Probably have different ones that have been tiers of wife level, like how much money their husband has.
Because that's really what's going on here.
If we're being that's terrible.
My buddy, I was to be in a band with Anthony.
He one day come to me.
He's like, envelope stuffing.
Oh, I got an envelope stuffing job.
These things can make a ton of money.
He's all excited.
So he sent off the kit or sent off the thing and then they sent back an envelope with like a starter or whatever.
And they completely misspelled his name.
But my favorite thing is that we were from Coose Bay, Oregon.
They had misspelled the city Gooseboy, Oregon.
So whoever these people were misread his handwriting and thought that he lived in a town called Gooseboy, Oregon.
Gooseboy sounds like an ex-cop.
So I think immediately lost credibility.
Yeah.
So yeah, that's all I got.
Wish I could add to that.
Pyramid schemes, man.
I tell you.
Yeah.
So there, that's the story.
Pyramid schemes.
We're just making fun of.
I think, yeah, I mean, I think if you took the vaccine and you like just put young living, you know, this is peppermint oil.
Because everybody's a little scared to try it, right?
So I heard the first lady ever just tried a vaccine, right?
The old lady, 90-year-old.
Oh.
Was she the first ever?
I just heard she was the first, like, I don't know, in that country or something.
Oh, is it in that country?
And survived?
Well, obviously, they think they've done trials with people.
Oh, there's trials.
I don't know.
Yeah, she was like a, was she 87?
She was old.
That's the first one in England or something.
Maybe I'm.
We should put this in the notes.
Guy's talking sounds.
Even though it's called the news show, right?
Yeah.
We just call that in our notes.
We don't call it the news show on.
I think we call it.
Dan, we call it the news show, don't we?
Oh, do we?
Yeah.
Dan's nodding.
This is a news show.
We should have more information.
Vaccine, are you going to get vaccinated?
I'm going to follow my wife's lead.
She's a nurse.
So she does.
Well, she'll have to.
You cracked on that.
Oh, yeah.
I probably have to.
I know.
My voice cocks a lot.
And it's a charming quality.
Yeah.
So she is or she isn't.
Well, she'll probably have to for a job.
I'm guessing, yeah.
Oh, she's, you said she's a nurse?
Yeah, she's an RN.
So yeah.
We're probably going to stand back as much as we can and watch what happens to everybody else first.
You're going to see if your wife turns into a giant mothers.
She's going to start growing other appendages or start having a hunger for human flesh.
Anything like that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you're going to need your little vaccination card to get into anywhere.
Go anywhere.
To buy and sell products.
You have to have a cute computer chip in your wrist.
This is it.
The Mars.
This is happening.
Mark of the Beast.
It's happening.
See, the thing is, I never even get the flu shot, but it's not because I'm a crazy anti-vexor.
Just because, like, I don't want to go.
Too lazy.
I don't know.
It's like if I get the flu, oh, well, I'm sick for a week or whatever.
I don't know.
I get the flu pretty hard.
So, yeah, but I don't get it every year.
But if I happen to be at CVS and I see their daily life.
Yeah, if it was convenient, maybe I'd do.
Sure.
Okay.
It still takes too long.
20 minutes?
Come on.
Yeah.
I don't have time for that.
I see a kinesiologist.
Don't ask.
Do you know what that is?
No.
Okay.
Well, if you want to ask, you can.
But it's a doctor who does muscle testing and all that kind of stuff.
So it might look a little witch doctor-y, but it's not.
You have like chicken bones and stuff?
It's a she, but she, um, no, no.
So, but there's a spray flu vaccine.
So, you know, you can spray.
It's a homeopathic kind of thing.
That's where I go.
So there will be no vaccines for me.
Okay.
You know, those like things that your wife puts up in the house that like automatically spray when you walk in the room.
Oh, yeah.
I should have that for the vaccine.
Anti-vaxxers are melting.
No, that thing isn't freaked me out.
It sounds like some of the distant sneezing.
Oh, yeah.
I always think a snake is like a kin.
Yeah, it's in the bathroom.
So you're alone.
Going to the bathroom.
Yeah.
Sounds like a woman sneeze.
Yeah.
Because they do that.
Well done.
Well done.
Hey, Dan, I appreciate you not explaining to us what kinesiology is.
He's got a master's degree in kinesiology.
I'm going to believe that.
So it's just going to say Dan has a master's degree in me.
Apply kinesiology or muscle testing.
So could you have done that?
Could you apply?
Could you start your own kinesiology company?
Like some kind of rub?
Yeah.
Spray.
Flu sprays.
He could invent what we were talking about.
Yeah.
Wasn't just sneezing on somebody if you have the flu.
Isn't that just kind of a flu spray?
Yeah, it's the same thing.
It's an anti-flu sneeze.
Like they will get antibodies.
Oh, I see.
They might get sick for like a week, but then they'll have antibodies.
Yeah.
Same idea.
Does anyone know anybody who's gotten sick, by the way?
Didn't COVID come?
Yeah.
Okay.
Actually, everybody I know that's gotten sick has been like a friend of a friend.
And everyone okay?
I suspect I already had it.
Like before even anybody knew this existed because I got pretty sick like in early January and they said it was already in LA by like November or something.
So and if it spreads as much as they say it does, it's like, how did not everybody not already have it at that point?
Right.
We're coming with it.
Yeah.
My stepmom got it and sister and she has a baby.
They got it.
And my dad, I think, somehow didn't get it.
My dad's really old, so we're lucky he didn't get it.
But I do have an uncle.
Actually, I haven't even mentioned this.
He did get it and he did die.
Oh, wow.
But he had a, I think he had a heart issue, so it exacerbated that.
So I mean, it's a situation where I think if he got a flu, maybe he would have died too.
It's like happened.
I'm sorry.
It's real.
It is real.
It is real.
Sorry, I didn't bring the mood down.
Well, I did it.
That was my fault.
I asked the question.
Sorry.
I'm like, should I lie?
Should I just not see this happen?
No.
But yeah.
It's okay.
Tricking off.
We can all still go to the Satan concert.
I didn't know.
Yeah.
But, yeah.
Okay.
Story number three, huh?
Let's do it.
In an attempt to fight another spike in COVID-19 infections in California, Governor Gavin Newsom has issued the first ever double stay-at-home order.
With the new order, people aren't only ordered to stay in their homes no matter what, but they also aren't free to wander around their homes.
Instead, they have to stay inside smaller houses inside the regular houses.
Smart.
You think each family member has to have their own little house inside of the bigger house?
It's suggested that each member of the household stays inside their own tiny house until the pandemic ends, even babies, even their little baby house.
In their baby house.
This is another policy that favors the rich since they have lots of space for small houses.
Yeah, they got a big house.
They could put my house in their house.
So they're like, oh, it'd be easy.
Just put a smaller house in the house.
Yeah, just stay home, stay safe.
Wow.
I think it's Tommy Clinteck.
I don't want to, you know, be wrong there, but he was funny.
It was some guy.
And he said, I forgot, you know, and of course with Gavin Newsom and all of his many things that we're supposed to do, you know, he was saying how he supports Gavin going and doing what he is, of course, free to do, like the rest of us are free to go and do things.
Yeah.
And he says, but for God's sakes, do not laugh in your house.
Do not, you know, but he doesn't do not sing in your house.
I can't sing.
Do not do it yet, Donald.
You can sing, but it has to be lower than your speaker.
Do you have to laugh lower than anywhere else?
Did they say that?
Because that would make sense.
Laughter seems more projectile than singing, right?
All kinds of things can happen.
When you're laughing, it's like, are you an evil genius or are you just trying not to infect me?
I don't know.
Don't laugh to yourself.
Well, that was a real thing, right?
Oh, that wasn't a China.
There was a sign that said, please laugh to yourself or something like that.
There's a really funny sign.
No, it was the one in Japan that said, scream inside your heart.
Oh, yeah, scream inside your heart.
On roller coasters, there was a sign that said, please scream inside your house.
I'd love to see a visual of that.
Wow.
Seriously.
Little brackets, like a subtitle.
Yeah, that's the terminal screaming version.
Screaming inside your heart.
That's like the name of an album.
The next song you guys will write.
Yeah, we'll make it happen.
Yeah, so there's all this new lockdown, new stay-at-home orders in California.
I just, at this point, does anybody listen?
I don't know.
It feels like nobody is listening now.
Because we're even going to really liberal cities out here and they're still doing the outdoor seating, even though California is saying not to.
Yeah.
Good for them.
Good for them.
It's hilarious that we're this far along and they're like, you know what?
It's really going to work what we've been doing the whole time.
It's getting worse.
Because it's been, I mean, I'm sure we're past the hump of like the most masks worn, like where people wear them.
I mean, we're more people wearing masks now than ever.
So like to be like, we're going to up masks.
We've done it.
Yeah.
Lockdowns.
What I love about where we live, I mean, just in the U.S., is like, because every state gets to do this how they want to, the states that didn't do as big of lockdowns should be like, you know, just piles of corpses to the sky.
But so far, I haven't seen that.
So where's the proof?
I think it's even the World Horse World Health Organization doesn't recommend lockdowns unless it's absolutely necessary.
So anyway, I'm sure everybody's talking about that.
What I like is all the people that are, you know, banning things but then doing them.
Like we know Newsome going out, banning, and then going out to the French restaurant or whatever.
There was the Sheila Koo, county supervisor in LA, voted to ban outdoor dining, and then she went out to her favorite restaurant.
Well, that one was amazing because that's the one where she voted.
She's like, we will ban outdoor dining.
They literally went over to the door.
The dine took the, I think the ban took effect the next day.
So she immediately races across town to Santa Monica, her favorite Italian restaurant.
Just don't get it.
Just like someone just, I guess someone followed her.
Like some reporter probably just followed her there or something.
It was just fantastic.
What is this chef gruel?
I haven't read this.
Chef Gruel?
Is that a person?
It's a real person.
I am Chef Gruel.
Yeah, he made some big statement where he was like condemning the restaurant called Slapfish.
Lockdowns and stuff.
Okay, just saying it's Crystal Clear.
Elected officials are owned by Corporate America.
I don't know.
I'm going to read.
I don't read all that.
I like this Pete Davidson, the comedian on SNL.
Yeah.
He's like, a bunch of babies when they go to work.
Yeah, because you want to go to work.
Where are you talking from right now?
You're at work.
You're on SNL.
You're not at home lockdown.
Isn't there a live studio audience?
And they're paying their live studio audience.
Like, that's how they found a loophole, I guess, on SNL.
They actually pay the audience to come so they're employees, so it makes it legal.
And they're calling everybody babies while they do this.
My favorite example of the hypocrisy was the Austin mayor that flew to Mexico and then gave a speech from his computer or his video phone or whatever, telling everybody to stay home.
And he's at his vacation house or whatever.
He's at a resort in Mexico while he gives this speech.
Wow.
Stay home.
Stay safe.
There's like people in sunburrows walking by.
Giant margarita.
He's got his giant margarita.
Yeah, he's like slurping the worm out of his drink.
No, I think he was just like in a normal room, but then someone found like his daughter or something posted on Facebook.
Here we are.
Instagram.
Yeah, whatever.
Snapchat.
Can't control it.
TikTok.
Daughters and their cell phones.
Instagrams.
Can't control it.
They're going to expose you.
So what do you think all these people just think?
Well, I'm on this level.
I'm very intelligent, well-rounded.
I can follow the rules, right?
So I can go to restaurants, but it's all these dumb people out here that they're so stupid.
We need to tell them to just lock themselves away.
I've read people like comments and stuff trying to justify it where people are like, well, it's not individual actions that are, that's making all this negative, the negative outcomes.
That's not what drives negative outcomes.
It's that we need a better sweeping response from the government.
So until that happens, individual stuff, that doesn't matter so much.
And it's like this, it's like, well, it's just, it's a different difference in philosophy.
Like to me, individual responsibility is what's going to drive any kind of effective response.
To these people, it's just a different worldview.
It needs to be mandated from the top down.
And unless you have absolute totalitarian control, that's the failure is government, not individuals and our individual choices.
So they don't see.
They say, well, the reason Gavin was able to go do it is because there wasn't a good national response in the beginning.
Oh, so they're blaming federal.
They're blaming like the federal response or state response or whatever.
And, well, because he had this loophole, that's a fault of the system.
He just took advantage of the loophole.
That's their.
So your personal responsibility is completely based on whatever the highest order in the land is.
I guess.
That's scary.
But it's the same thing with climate change and stuff where I say, yeah, we need to take care of the environment.
We need to be careful, but that's on an individual level.
Yeah, it's on an individual level.
Like, well, I'm flying around in my private jet, but that's because we don't have good regulations yet.
So they don't make that connection.
That it's really bizarre.
Yeah.
So that's collectivism versus individualism.
Because you get Vestworth World, you get to like, you get to virtue signal, but you also still get like the iPhone that was built by children in China or whatever.
You get to like have a private jet and you get all that stuff, but you still get to completely rage against the horrible people up there in Washington.
Well, Mike Garcetti, who, of course, said he wants to, you know, he defunding the police and then says, police, you need to come and protect me from all the people outside my house.
And like, here's a giant list of things to enforce on top of everything you already do.
Like if people are taking bites, you know, eating their food and not putting their masks back on between bites, you need to take a really big bite between.
They're singing above a speaking voice.
Tase them.
Take them down.
We got them, boys.
Okay.
Let's do our topic of the week.
Very random topic of the week.
Make counseling great again.
That's what I always say.
Yeah.
Because, man, it's really gone downhill lately.
Yeah.
All those atheist counselors, Satanist counselors, demonic counselors.
Yeah.
You don't want that.
So you're looking for a counselor that has read their Bible.
Yeah.
That knows what a Bible is.
Yeah, at least knows.
And at least has it on their shelf.
Yeah.
It's like, oh, yeah, Jesus.
I've heard of that guy.
Right.
Things are hard right now.
Quarantine.
You may be locked down.
You might be depressed.
Depression's way up.
I feel sorry for people without families.
I don't think about that.
It's like, you're just like, I got nobody.
Yeah.
Imagine people locked in their houses for months with nobody.
Yeah.
What you might need is some faithful counseling.
Faithful counseling is online professional Christian counseling to deal with depression, stress, anxiety, crises of faith.
Correct.
You can text, you can chat, you can phone, you can video anything because you know a lot of us we have our certain method of communication we prefer.
I hate when people want to talk on the phone to me.
I would text I would text a counselor.
Yeah, I like texting.
I don't know if I want to go show up in person.
Yeah.
But it's affordable.
Faithfulcounseling.com slash Babylon B. Listeners get 10% off your first month.
Yeah.
And do you think counselors use emojis?
Probably lots of smileys.
Yeah.
Like they probably wouldn't send a lot of like crying.
Yeah.
Well, maybe they're trying to sympathize.
Like you're like, oh, I'm so sad today.
And they would send this sad.
I would feel good about that.
I feel weird about a counselor using emojis, but it's to each their own.
They probably accommodate what we're not guaranteeing that they use emojis because anything we don't know.
But it's not, yeah, that's not a guarantee that they make.
Yeah.
But you can get started today.
Faithfulcounseling.com/slash Babylon B. Do it now.
Now.
And now the Babylon B's topic of the week.
So I was.
So what time of night was this when you well?
I was going to bed at I don't know 10:30, 11.
Wow.
That's fairly early for me.
That's fair.
I usually manage to fall asleep about 12, you know, 12:30, something like that.
And you were in bed for two hours.
Yeah.
Someone had tweeted out something about some death of somebody, and I click on it, and somewhere in there, it linked to the Wikipedia page on list of unusual deaths.
Wow.
And I read the entire thing.
I think it goes back to like, you know, when the earth was created in 4000 BC, you know.
Wow.
So we're just going to read some.
So we're just going to read through and comment.
Let's just see some weird people have died.
Weird deaths.
Would you want to die unusual?
I think we're all going to die.
You might as well die.
I'd rather die in a way that people get to have fun with it.
People remember.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, you know, it's okay.
So you can look this up on Wikipedia, list of unusual deaths.
Of course, keep in mind, Wikipedia is always reliable because anybody can edit it.
So here we are.
These are all.
I jumped us to like the 20th century and 21st century because there's some that's when it I think there was probably a lot of weird deaths before that, but you know, you just didn't have people recording them on cell phones and stuff.
Right.
All right.
So I'm in the 20th century, 19th century.
The first one fits our brand pretty well.
An unnamed person was beaten to death with a Bible during a healing during a healing ceremony gone wrong in Honolulu.
So he's being treated for malaria when his family summoned a kahuna who decided he was possessed by devils and tried to exorcise the demons.
The kahuna was brought up on a charge of manslaughter.
So he's trying to beat the demons out of the guy with the Bible.
Wow.
That's fantastic.
And he's a kilhuna.
They killed him.
Killed by the big kahuna.
Kilhuna.
Man.
Kind of went the other way on that one, kahuna.
Okay, this was Frank Hayes, 22-year-old jockey of Elmont, New York.
He won his first and only race when he was dead.
Riding a horse named Sweet Kiss, he suffered a fatal heart attack mid-race and collapsed on it.
The horse still managed to win with his body on it, meaning he technically won.
He had a heart attack.
Do you have the list on your phone?
I have to get it.
I don't have a no, I don't have the list.
We very last minute decided to have Wendy on, and we didn't give her any notes.
So she's really improvising.
Yeah.
I mean, I have one, but it's not.
Well, what do you get?
Yeah, go what do you get?
I mean, given that one of my other favorites is the crown.
Oh, you never got, you told us you were going to plug the crown, and then you never did.
So you veered into the Tony Robbins factor and all kinds of food items.
Yeah, there's no business opportunity with the crown.
Sadly.
Well, my girl Princess Diana, who died in a car crash in the crash, and who often said that she worried that one day she would be killed in a stage vehicle accident.
Whoa.
Did she know or didn't she?
Yes, she did.
Yeah, this was just said to me.
That was interesting.
Can we play in like an ominous chord behind that?
Yeah, I need that.
If you're a voice actor, you could probably do it.
Dissident.
Yeah, dissident.
So take that and paste it before.
Okay.
I'm just going to read a random one.
Hopefully it's not horrible.
Philip McLean, 16, and his brother were clubbing a cassowary, which is one of crazy birds.
It's a crazy Australian.
Like, it's like a hair on?
It's like a crazy thing on its head.
Oh, it's blue and red and black.
I know animals.
You should do.
On the family property in Mossman, Queensland.
That's Australia.
When it knocked him down, kicked him in the neck, opened a large cut, leading to death from loss of blood.
That's not that unusual.
I mean, it's unusual that it was a cassowary.
Well, maybe the activity is more unusual.
They were clubbing.
Why were they clubbing a cassowary?
It won.
The cassowary.
It won the fight, really.
They have talons, man.
They're dinosaurs.
They have large talons.
This isn't fair.
You do have a long list.
Yeah, we need to give her the list.
Can someone send her up to the list?
Let me send it to you.
I'll send it to her.
We'll just read Kyle to you or whatever.
Okay, so Mary Reeser's body was found by the police, almost totally cremated.
Found by the police.
All right, so I was listening.
I was sending her a list.
Bad at radio.
So the police responded to this woman was missing.
They kick her door down, whatever.
They go in, and she's just a pile of ashes in the middle of the room.
Okay.
The rest of the house was unburned.
So some people think that this is like an evidence of human spontaneous combustion that she just exploded.
So they just went in there and there's a pile of ashes.
So they never figured out why.
No, I heard some of that.
It's like unusual deaths, not hilarious deaths.
Yeah.
Everything is going to be funny.
And then I'm like, why is that funny?
That she exploded?
I mean, that's pretty funny.
She did explode.
Very bizarre.
It's very loony tunes.
I mean, all of it, let's just preface this with all these.
Shot a gun at backfire, and then she crumbled into ashes.
I think I heard someone say that maybe she just drunk, she drank so much alcohol that she was like basically flammable.
She was basically like a wick.
Oh, yeah.
And she had a cigarette or something.
That'd be a lot.
Like bathe in it.
Her blood alcohol levels like 200% or whatever.
Okay.
Have we tried?
Oh, wait.
Gareth Jones, an actor, died of a heart attack between scenes of a live TV play.
Wait, what?
Gary?
He died between scenes of a play.
So they were broadcasting this play live, and he died in between the scenes.
Other members of the cast continue to improvise lines, such as, I'm sure if he were here, he would say this to compensate for his absence.
His character was scheduled to die of a heart attack in a later scene of the play.
Oh my gosh.
So just a little too early.
It was like a method actor thing.
He was like, what's the Batman guy?
What was his name escaping me?
Batman.
No, Christopher Nolan's Batman.
Oh, Bruce Wayne?
The guy, the actor's name.
Christian Bale.
Yeah, it's like his method acting.
He just got way too into it.
All right, where are you at?
I'm in the 1970s now.
Okay.
Were we skipping the 60s?
I kind of flipped through them.
I didn't see any.
There's only like two.
Really?
Only two unusual deaths in the 60s.
I very much doubt that.
Yeah.
I very much would doubt that.
Yeah.
Or is that?
Yeah, what, late 60s?
I should read an random one.
I don't got time to do it.
Do it.
Basil Brown, a 48-year-old health food advocate from Croydon, England. died from liver damage after he consumed 70 million units of vitamin A in around 10 U.S. gallons of carrot juice over 10 days, turning his skin bright yellow.
What?
Sounds like a rolled doll character.
What?
Like a Road Doll villain?
No, like the girl who she turns into a plumbing plum, basically.
Forgot her name.
John Bowen, 20, was killed at a halftime show when a 40-pound model plane shaped like a lawnmower crashed into him.
What?
So they were having this halftime show at some event.
I guess it was a baseball game.
And they're like, everyone, behold the flying lawnmower.
Yeah.
And it kills a guy.
Oh, man.
Let it into him and kill him.
I like this one.
Okay.
1988.
A poodle named Ketchy.
I like it already.
In Buenos Aires, Burenes fell from 13 floors and fatally hit 75-year-old Marta Espina, killing both instantly.
In the course of the events, 46-year-old Edith Sola, who came to see the incident, was fatally hit by a bus.
An unidentified man who witnessed a death, had a heart attack, and also died on his way to the hospital.
So there's four in one.
Wow, Mikey won.
That's crazy.
It's okay.
Lady's walking, poodle hits her, poodle dies, she dies.
Sam.
Lady goes, oh my gosh, a poodle hit the lady by the bus.
And the guy goes, a poodle, it's a lady, and then a buzz, it's a lady, and ha!
Wow.
That was 1988.
This is very...
This would be a movie about that.
It's very Looney Tunes.
One thing leads to another.
We need to brainstorm what the next one would be.
So the guy has the heart attack and he lands on a little kid.
Or he lands on a rake that flings a knife at a guy and goes through the guy's hand.
We need a Rube Goldberg machine of deaths.
Yeah, who knew that the first step in this line of deaths would be a poodle falling from a balcony.
Ketchy.
Named Ketchy.
Obviously, didn't catch anything.
Except for a bunch of deaths.
Should have been named Folly.
Yeah, very domino effect here.
So this guy in 1982 died after smashing his golf club against a golf cart.
So he swings the golf club, gets all ticked.
He was like kicking a lighthouse like you.
Yeah.
The head of the golf club broke off and impaled him in the throat.
That was a bad guy.
We're talking about these are just cracking.
I know.
Classic.
We can relate to it, right?
But that's what we're saying.
Like, we would be okay with one of these deaths being brought on us at some point because we feel like that's how we want to go.
Yeah.
Like, I can't be a human being.
I'd rather my death brought laughter than sadness.
Yeah.
But this is like one of those things where you die in a really immature moment.
Throwing a fit with a golf club.
Really mature person.
Why do all the deaths end at 1990?
Oh, you might be on the there's different lists for centuries.
I see.
Very good.
Go down to the 1990s or whatever.
Oh, man.
Some of these are brutal.
Yeah, some of these are pretty brutal.
Trying to keep it light.
I don't know how to keep it light when we're reading deaths.
This guy's name is Dick Wertheim, a tennis linesman.
Died after a ball struck him in the groin and he fell out of his chair.
So he's sitting on the tall chair on the side watching.
Yeah.
Hey, everyone, be polite.
Let's have a good game.
Terrible.
That's a terrible way to go.
And his name is D.
Okay.
He died as he would have wanted to go.
Getting hit in the NADs.
Can we say NADS?
Can we say NADS?
An entire football team of 11 in the Congo were fatally struck by lightning while playing.
The other team was unharmed.
Wow.
The entire team died?
All 11 of them died, and the other team was completely unharmed.
So that's like when you're praying.
That's the other team prayed, Philippians 4.13.
We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
It's insane.
This one fits our brand.
Brune, 22, an inmate at the Metro Toronto East Detention Center in Canada, died trying to swallow a pocket-sized Bible.
He was trying to hide it.
Maybe it did have to be.
He was trying to get the word inside.
Get the word in.
Yeah, implant it in his whole life.
Nate Pickowitz has a new book called Eat Your Bible, I think.
Oh, really?
Be careful, though.
Maybe he reads about that.
We need a disclaimer on that.
Yeah, we should let him know.
People die.
Pickleitch.
We like that name.
Pick away.
Sorry, that's loud.
My headphones are like slightly loud.
They're slightly hot.
And like every time.
Denver Lee St. Clair was asphyxiated by an atomic wedgie.
Oh, I did read this one.
Okay.
Well, I read all of them.
Administered by his stepson during a fight after he had been knocked unconscious.
The elastic band from his torn underwear was pulled over his head and stretched around his neck.
Oh, so it wasn't the he didn't die from like butt injury.
He didn't get like split.
No, it got bad.
Sorry.
I love this poodle one, man.
I know, it's so good.
Now we're trying to top it.
Yeah.
I don't know if we can top it.
There's a long one here.
I always wonder if the long ones are worth the journey.
Yeah, you kind of have to skim them and see if they're worth it.
Oh, I've heard his name is Ouchie.
Have you heard about this one?
The lawyer that was trying to demonstrate that his windows were unbreakable on the skyscraper?
Oh, I think I did hear about that.
He's like.
Oh, is it because businessmen were like committing suicide or something?
No, He had a group of visitors in his office and he's showing off his high-rise in Toronto.
You're your Hudsucker proxy.
Look at my giant desk.
You know that my windows are unbreakable.
And he ran out the window and jumped into it.
And the window popped out.
I'm sorry, this isn't funny.
It's not funny.
But it is kind of like funny.
Oh, man.
But so the window, he was right.
The window didn't break.
The window did not shatter.
Oh, the window came out and he went with it.
It just popped out.
Oh, my gosh.
He rode the window down.
Dabbed down.
Magic carpet ride.
We're probably going to have some listener who's like the son or the grandson of one of these people.
And they're like, that was my father.
I usually like your satire, but this time it goes too far.
All right.
We want to do like a couple more and then we can save some for the subscriber portion for more morbidity and can't read that one.
Death.
Now, why can't you read that one?
It involves bestiality.
Oh.
You got to be careful with your questions.
Well, you don't have to answer.
Now we can't forget it now.
Brian Douglas Wells, a pizza delivery man from Erie, Pennsylvania, was killed by an explosive collar.
Oh, yeah, I saw that movie.
That's sad.
That's not fun.
Was he joined?
Was he part of the plot?
I couldn't tell.
No.
It's like he kind of was.
Some people feel like he was kind of mentally, right?
He was kind of being used.
Right?
Yeah.
Oh, I saw you guys.
That's a Nicky one.
Yeah, you saw that one.
There's Steve Irwin.
He made the list.
Man.
Okay, this one's kind of interesting.
Okay.
64-year-old man attempted to light a bonfire with petrol.
That's just gasoline, right?
English people have to say weird, you use weird words.
Petrol.
Petrol.
Get some petrol for the trolley.
Well, you know, trolleys are.
What are trolleys in England?
They're carts or trucks or something?
Yeah.
Anyway.
So he attempted to light a bonfire with gasoline, but inadvertently set his clothes on fire.
Then he ran into a river, jumped in, and drowned.
Oh my gosh.
He's like, oh, no.
Dark.
Dark.
This is all dark.
It's all dark.
We're reading about people who died in horrible ways.
Did you ever gone to the murder museum in Hollywood?
Oh, no.
That exists.
Oh, yes.
I haven't.
I haven't gone.
Oh, okay.
Peng Fan, a chef in Foshan, China, was bitten by a cobra's severed head, which he had cut off 20 minutes earlier while preparing soup.
So the severed head sitting there for 20 minutes.
And it's like, he's finally kind of getting lax around that head.
Probably at first, you're like, well, on your guard.
Yeah.
Then he just is like, you know, rests his elbow on it.
Wow.
And there's still enough venom in the head.
I guess it's just in the teeth because I don't know if there's like venom glands down in here that would like shoot more out or something.
I don't know.
I don't know how snakes work.
All right, one more, and then we'll go to hate mail.
So this is, I went back to the 1800s, 1854.
William Snyder died in San Francisco when a circus clown swung him around by his heels.
What?
He was like a guy from the audience or something?
Yeah, I assume so.
Yeah.
Is there like any volunteers we swung around?
Well, I clicked on it.
I want to read all these now.
I can't stop.
See, this is what happened to me in the middle of the night.
Yeah.
Attack and killed by a deer.
We should do rapid fire.
Crushed to death by Alexis 2002 after its owner started by remote control.
Oh, Alexis?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dry ice.
Died after eating a bag and a half of black licorice.
We read about that guy, right?
Yeah, that was a news story.
Ooh, that's brutal.
What?
I just read a brutal one.
Oh, don't care to share it with the rest of us.
We'll put the link down.
Oh, it's just funny, and then the way the death happened was like, oh, wow.
So Charles II of Navarre, he was burnt alive by a servant.
When he fell into a state of decay in 1387, the king was wrapped in a linen cloth soaked in brandy.
But the servant who sewed him into the sack forgot her scissors and used a candle to sever her thread instead.
Having set fire to her master, she fled.
Gosh.
That's a bad day of work.
So is that a medical treatment to put brandy in a sack and put him in there?
I guess it?
I don't know.
That's what it sounded like.
Sounded like.
We must put him in the brandy sack.
This is 2018.
Sam, because I was thinking this is like old, an old remedy.
Sam Ballard, 29, died from angiostrongyaliasis after eating a garden slug as a dare years earlier.
I read the whole story on this, but I went and read the news article.
Okay.
So is there a slug alive inside of him?
I guess if you eat like slugs, they have this disease that can like screw you up pretty good.
He should have Googled that first.
So he ended up.
I wouldn't have known.
I think he contracted the disease pretty quick and then years later it finally killed him.
Wow.
Can you imagine like doing one stupid thing?
One stupid thing.
Because I've done a lot of stupid things.
You know, you do one stupid thing and it just ends your life.
Like, geez.
Man.
Like hitting your golf club into a cart.
The sad ones are when the person had nothing to do with it.
Like there's this one in here where at the zoo, an elephant threw a rock and it hit a little girl.
Oh, just like go to the zoo.
Never think a kid's going to die from an elephant throwing a rock.
This is.
That shouldn't be a thing that should happen.
No.
Or William Holden.
That's where you, that's where you start questioning your faith, right?
You're like, wait, God made elephants.
Why did he allow them to throw rocks?
And then you're like, oh, maybe zoos.
Maybe it's the zoo thing.
But you start going down this path.
Are zoos evil?
What's that?
Why?
Zeus?
Oh, zoos.
In what world?
How could we have prevented this?
It's our fault.
All right.
I keep saying one more.
Last one.
This sounds like it could be a movie with Samuel Jackson.
In 2010, 20 crew and passengers died in a plane crash in Congo when a crocodile being smuggled in a sports bag by a traveler freed itself.
Panicked passengers ran towards the cockpit, causing the aircraft to unbalance and nose die.
No.
One person survived and so did the crocodile.
The crocodile lived.
Yeah.
Just walked away.
He's just like, what do you mean?
That was worth one more.
That was bad.
That was worth one more.
Really bad.
The poodle one wins, though.
We should edit this and put that in the last one.
Catchy.
All right.
Well, we got more intriguing ways to die in the subscriber portion.
Maybe.
Or maybe just start the stuff.
We'll see.
Yeah, let's do it.
Let's do our hate mail.
Okay, so we published an article saying that YouTube had banned all recipes, all videos that had recipes that fed more than six people to stop you from gathering during Thanksgiving, Christmas.
And this woman said as hate mail about it.
And not only is she upset by this, but she seems to think that we're the ones banning the videos.
She thinks she's sending hate mail to YouTube by sending hate mail to us who published the article about it that was fake in the first place.
So does she respond to all news articles like this?
Like, what were you thinking when she sees like an article about Trump or something?
She emails CNN.
She reads the article about the poodle killing the four people and she emails the airtime journalists.
She's like, why did you send this poodle there?
Yeah, why'd you throw that poodle off the rail?
That's horrible idea.
I have a poodle.
Do you have a poodle?
No.
Oh, no.
Oh, you're pointing along.
She's such a good voice actor.
She got me.
Okay, so she says.
Hey, we could have our voice actor read.
Oh, we need to do good enough?
Sure.
Can you read a good enough piece?
Can you do, can you do kind of like a kind of like an older woman?
Oh, okay.
So I don't say the name, obviously.
No, no, no.
You can say the first name.
It's Patricia.
It's Patricia.
Reason.
General.
That's the subject line.
Message.
Really?
You're going to actually, you're actually banning cooking segments.
You want me older, right?
A little older.
Yeah.
A little older.
Really?
You're actually banning cooking segments that show meals that serve more than six people.
How stupid do you think you people are?
First of all, it's an insult.
And second of all, that's not going to make any impact as to whether or not, is she spelling that right?
Whether or not people will gather in groups larger than six.
Exclamation point.
All you're accomplishing is insulting anyone with any intelligence and making people angry.
If this is your so-called contribution to keeping people safe, it's pathetic and best at best to no one is taking it seriously.
I don't know.
There was like that.
Wasn't quite the reading I would have if I had had a little bit of a test.
We would give some notes and do it, and we just threw it a few times, but that's fine.
That's that's great.
I could have done it as a 90-year-old.
I really could feel like I could see the 80-year-old woman sitting at her iPad.
Like, I could see it in my head.
That was great.
Okay.
Yeah.
I think she thinks she really like owned the people.
She's like, no one's taking you seriously.
Got him.
Like, everyone's looking at you like you're an idiot.
Got him.
I bet you look foolish.
Got some egg on your face.
All right.
Well, we're going to go to our subscriber lounge now.
Yeah, we're going to lounge.
And we're going to lounge it together.
Maybe read some more deaths.
We got more deaths.
We might talk about a Carmen sighting.
Maybe.
I don't know.
Did we got some Carmen sighting?
We got some bonus hate mail.
Bonus hate mail.
And we have a hilarious email.
It's a hate mail.
I haven't read this yet.
This lady was like, she replied to our entire newsletter point for point.
We made fun of the release the kraken thing, like the kraken's coming.
And she just, she like debunked our entire worldview.
This massive email, which is just fantastic.
So we're going to read that.
And it's going to be great.
Oh, also, I wanted to mention that we are starting a Lord of the Rings read-through.
Oh, yeah.
It's going to come out on the regular podcast feed.
We might eventually break it into a separate feed, but we're at least going to launch it here so that if you subscribe, you'll see it.
It'll be on YouTube.
It'll be here.
We're going to just comment on it, hang out, talk about Lord of the Rings.
So if you want to read through Lord of the Rings, if you've been looking to read one of the greatest books of all time, begin now.
Read the foreword and the prologue, maybe chapter one, and that's where we're going to start.
Because that's at the beginning of the book.
And Dan's going to be on it, right?
And Dan's going to be on it on camera officially with us.
It's going to be great.
Stoic.
Yeah.
Stoical Dan.
Stoical Dan.
Deep voice Dan.
He's like super stoic, and then we just give him one shot of whiskey.
And then he just turns like I said, Lord of the Rings is the brightest thing ever.
I've seen Dan drunk.
That's a story you can tell in the subscriber lounge.
Dan's like, you can't say that.
From a chair to the side of this podcast.
It was his fault.
It was an accident.
We held him down.
He tipped his head funnel.
He didn't know his own.
Yeah.
Okay, everybody.
So here we go.
Subscriber lounge.
We're going to go hang out.
See you later, everybody.
Bye.
Coming up next for Babylon B subscribers.
We keep setting up our guests.
You can man spread.
Yeah.
We allow it.
So we forgot to tease this.
But our friend has some dirt on Kirk camera.
I've agreed to none of this.
Hate mail.
Hate mail.
Bonus hate mail.
Because you're standing there like, do you like that?
Like, and then walk away like this to go write more satire that doesn't make fun of Sydney Powell.
Wondering what they'll say next?
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
Go to babylonbee.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.