Worst Christmas Songs Ever And It's Pronounced Heron News Show 12.4.2020
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 12/4/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like Biden's all-female communications team reminding us that we should already know what's wrong in the nation, Biden's arm falling off in peanut butter jar opening attempt, and a bowl of porridge getting a record-shattering 80 million votes. Kyle and Ethan inform you about the worst Christmas songs ever so that you can avoid them. There's weird news, glorious hate mail, and Kyle learns how to pronounce the word 'heron'. Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans Introduction The Babylon Bee wishes our fanbase in Wyoming, MATT TUNSTALL, a happy 40th birthday! Also, Ethan is having some killer deals at his Axe Bear Store with a way to get a free Axe Cop trade paperback. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes The Battle of Five Armies Behind the Scenes Video Ethan likes Axe Cop the Game which is available now on Steam! Weird News More than 150 Santas ride jet skis for Guinness record Mike Tyson eats ear off Roy Jones Jr. cake ahead of exhibition bout George Clooney Has Been Using Flowbee For Years Anti-gay Hungarian politician József Szájer resigns after being caught attending 25-man orgy in breach of COVID-19 rules Eel bursts out of Flying Heron's stomach alien style Stories of the Week Story 1 - Biden All-Female Communications Team Won't Tell Nation What's Wrong, Nation Should Already Know Summary: Biden's transition team has announced they will be appointing an all-female communications team. According to sources, the team will not tell the nation what's wrong, since the nation should already know. Story 2 - Biden's Arm Falls Off While Trying To Open A Jar Of Peanut Butter Summary: Staffers have revealed that Biden was the victim of yet another tragic accident after his arm fell completely off as he attempted to open up a jar of peanut butter. Story 3 - In National Survey Of Favorite Foods, Lukewarm Bowl Of Porridge Wins 80 Million Votes Summary: In a surprise result from a national survey of favorite foods, the winner, with 80 million votes -- blowing away the previous record of 69 million votes -- was a lukewarm bowl of porridge. The soggy bowl of chopped grains has apparently exploded in popularity around the country and is now handily the most beloved food of all. Topic of the Week: The Worst Christmas Songs of All Time Mary Did You Know? The Christmas Shoes Last Christmas Wonderful Christmastime Little Drummer Boy Baby It's Cold Outside We Three Kings Anything by Chris Tomlin "Joy to the World" Santa Baby I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth Feliz Navidad We Wish You a Merry Christmas 12 Days of Christmas Every Hanson Christmas album Bonus: Christmas songs we like O Holy Night O Come O Come Emmanuel Rob Halford's III Winter Songs Dio's God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman Stryper - Winter Wonderland Handel's Messiah Hate Mail A concerned fan believes the Joker has released laughing gas at The Babylon Bee studios and some dude has a thing for sweaty jars of mayonnaise. Subscriber Portion Behind the Scenes Update Subscribers actually get to see the subscriber-exclusive lounge. Mailbag Video question from subscriber Allen Boone. Bonus Hate Mail This is the most flowerbedded email we have ever received. Headline Forums Got Any Cool Stories? Email your cool stories for subscriber exclusive reading to podcast@babylonbee.com
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hey, everybody, and welcome to the Babylon Bee podcast.
I'm Kyle Mann.
I'm Ethan Nicole.
And I guess I run the Babylon B.
I guess that's what I do.
And I guess Ethan does some like Photoshops for us.
All these guys.
I'm still not sure.
All these beautiful works of art behind us.
Just beautiful.
It's coming along in this studio.
I think this is done now.
Coming along.
Yeah.
Coming along, and it has arrived.
It's here.
Ethan also does all our cartoons and beautiful animations.
I do a lot of stuff.
He's a cool guy, Ethan.
I'm pretty cool.
I think so.
Yeah.
So what happened this week, Kyle?
Anything?
I guess it was.
We're selling our book like crazy.
If you haven't bought our book yet, it's like almost gone.
This morning, there's like 200 copies left.
It will probably be gone by the time this airs.
Oh, that's true.
Just in case it isn't, go to shop.babylonbb.com and check out our book.
Yeah.
It's our best of book.
It's beautiful.
All these Photoshops are in there.
Well, maybe most of them are in there.
It's awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Most of this stuff's from the book.
And if I can talk up my buddy Ethan.
Please do.
He's got a sale going on.
Axe Cop.
Is this my stuff that's good?
No, it's not.
Oh.
You pick your stuff that's good.
I filled in.
Oh, it's an introduction.
Oh, you're right.
So I don't have a sales copy.
You have all this good stuff to promote for yourself.
Axebearstore.com.
Now, if you go there, I have two simultaneous sales going on.
My bear books are $10 off, which is the lowest price ever done on them.
You can get the hardcover that's usually around $50.
It's closer to, it's like $35.99.
And then the softcover is $10 off.
It's like $14.95 right now.
So they're both full color, nice, nicely printed books for a lot less than us.
You sell them on Amazon.
The softcover is also on sale for $10 off.
So you can do it there if you want.
This is just the soft cover.
You don't care about anything else.
But you can also, if you've ever been curious to try out Axe Cop, I have, you know, I just have a stock of Axe Cop comics in my, and they're trade paperbacks.
They're not like little flimsy comics.
It's a full hundred page.
Yeah.
You've got a whole throne of this.
And what I will do if you, if you use the code Black Axe Day, Black AXE D A Y. Sounds a little bad.
It's going till December 11th.
If you use that code and you spend more than $20 in my store, make sure you add the, you basically add the random Axe Cop comic to your order that I draw in.
I will draw in the book.
You'll get a free act.
It's a random Axe Cop comic.
You can't pick which one, but you get a free Axe Cop comic for free.
A free trade paperback.
Yeah.
It's a full trade paperback with a drawing signed on top of your on-sale bear book.
You could get Axe Cop 1.
You could get...
You're probably going to get 2, 5, or 6 because that's what I have the most of.
Two is my favorite one.
President of the World is Bad Guy Earth is two.
Bad Guy Earth is two.
Five is Axe Cop gets married, and I actually love that one because there's so many inside the Water Queen in Axe Cop.
The woman he marries is my wife.
Like I actually use photographs of her to create the water queen.
So all of the, I had her pose for all the shots.
So you can, that's why she has a different look to her than Axe Cop looks like cartoony than she looks like real.
So that's why it's like my little, anyway.
All the wedding photos from Axe Cop's wedding are from my actual wedding because I was getting married when we did this.
Anyway, that's a whole story.
This is the Babylon B podcast, not the Axe Cop.
Them are super cartoony, and then she's just like, Yeah, light shining down.
You can really tell where Ethan's head was.
It was hilarious in the show because she like releases a tear sparrow and like her tears turn into a sparrow to go bring a message to Axe Cop.
And in the show, Jewel, the singer, did the voice of Tear Sparrow.
She's like, I never thought when I drew that that one day Jewel would be singing Tear Sparrow.
And if you don't know, you have Hulu, Axe Cop's on Hulu.
That's true.
And it's a fun watch.
We should start an Axe Cop podcast.
We should, where we talk about Axe Cop.
Welcome to the video games out too.
Let's start again.
Welcome to the Axe Cop podcast.
Yeah, where we talk about all things Axe Cop.
But this is the Babylon B podcast.
We talk about the news and stuff.
So here we go.
Oh, we did want to wish a happy birthday to Babylon B subscriber Matt Tunstall.
Tunstall.
He's in Wyoming and he's a 40th birthday from his wife, Jewel, which I assume is not the same.
Probably not the same one.
But happy birthday.
Probably our only fan in Wyoming.
Maybe.
I don't know why.
There's not a lot of people in Wyoming.
That's true.
It's Tumbleweeds and Antelope.
Dead ones.
Yeah.
And they probably don't read Babylon B.
Yeah.
So let's do some stuff that's good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
What you got, Kyle?
I'm going to recommend something weird because I've run out of like video games and board games I want to talk about.
Oh, there's, if you have the Battle of the Five Armies, which is the third Hobbit movie and the worst, which the first one was kind of an enjoyable adventure, but I think I like the idea of watching it more than I actually like watching it because I started.
I'm like, you know, I just want to watch that first part of the Hobbit trilogy again.
And I go watch it.
And it's like, they do like 20 minutes of backstory before you even get to the Shire.
I'm like, this is a kid's book that was like 200 pages.
Drives me bananas.
But there is a behind the scenes feature in there that I recently found out about where Peter Jackson talks about basically how horrible the Hobbit movies are.
Oh, yeah.
Which is fantastic.
He's like so honest in this behind, and it's on the DVD that you can buy.
I found it on YouTube and we're going to link it in the show notes.
If you search Battle of the Five Armies Exhausted Peter Jackson, it'll come up.
And it'll probably get taken down because it's probably not supposed to be up there on YouTube.
But it's kind of amazing because most of those behind the scenes are like, this is such a great movie.
And I love this movie we're making.
We're so excited to be making this movie.
It's in the third movie and he's just sitting there with his, with his head in his hands.
Oh, I bet.
And he's just like, I don't even, we don't even have a script for today.
Oh, my God.
And he basically explains how, you know, he obviously wasn't the one who was originally scheduled to do the movie.
They pulled him on the project and they're like, oh, yeah, we're filming in six weeks.
Oh, my God.
You know, and he's like, oh, he has no storyboards.
There's this hilarious part.
It's only like seven minutes long, so I'm talking about it longer than the video actually is.
You can just go watch it.
But they're filming the battle scenes for Battle of the Five Armies.
And he's just telling the people, like, just swing your swords at each other.
I don't know.
And they're just like, and then they just film this for like two days.
These people swinging.
He's like, I don't know where this is going to fit in, but I guess we can just use this footage somewhere and like somewhere in the battle.
And it's, we'll use it.
If you've ever just been on a deadline as a creative person trying to write and you're like, what?
It's just, it reminded me of you guys trying to write veggie tales.
Yeah.
It's like a conveyor belt.
But it's fascinating.
So if you kind of wonder, if you love Peter Jackson and you're wondering like, why are the Hobbit movies so bad?
This is just like, it really shines some light on it.
So check it out.
All right.
I guess I'm talking, because I kind of already talked about XCOP, the game being out.
It's on Steam.
Axe Copyright.
I don't think we did because we mentioned it on the, we did, we did a YouTube video where Ethan and I played through AxeCop, but it didn't come out on the podcast because it's just YouTube.
All right.
Okay.
We haven't mentioned it.
So there's an XCOP game if you're into old RPG Nintendo games.
Very Final Fantasy S. Fantasy, Earthbound, games like that, where you fight with a menu and little numbers pop up.
Yeah.
You're like a guy who looks like a little guy and they talk and read signs.
It's like that.
I think that your defining characteristic of a JRPG is you fight in a menu and you read signs.
That's my.
See, I explained this.
I grew up on beat-em-ups.
I just liked Double Dragon.
So I was always confused by these RPGs.
But I know they're huge.
That's the most popular games out there.
So they made an Axe Cop one.
And it's super detailed, like the amount of things they got from the comics.
It's made by this small team of indie game makers.
They deserve every dollar that you can spend on this game because I feel bad for that.
They spent three and a half years on it.
I think I had underestimated.
I had said two.
It's close to four years I spent on this game.
And they went through every comic.
They scoured.
They put all these Easter eggs in there.
They put all these.
There's like, if you go to one of the shops, I'm the shopkeeper.
There's all these little things in there.
It's pretty cool.
So, and I want to know all the details.
So if you find cool stuff, email me.
And we played it on YouTube.
So go to our YouTube channel.
You can watch the first level.
Play it.
We may do some more.
We may try to keep playing through it.
Yeah, I want to see what happens with Unibaby.
Here's a good review of it on Steam.
Retro fun with Lemon.
If you're an Axe Cop fan, or you're at least, at least you're not a bad guy, I'm sure you'll love Reliving Axe Cop's exploits.
Here's a bad review.
This game is not a good game.
Is that real?
Yeah.
This is not a good way to get the story of Axe Cop.
Just go read Axe Cop.
So that's even good for you, even.
Go read Axe Cop.
Either one of them.
I think it's interesting is that Malachi never read comics.
He wasn't a comic.
That's the little brother.
My little brother's name is Malachi.
He's the one who I created Axe Cop with.
He turned our playtimes into comics.
But he thought in video games.
Video games are his world.
That's why Axe Cop has bombs that only kill the bad guy.
Stuff like that.
It's video game world stuff.
So he would have been way more excited about a video game all along than a comic.
So I'm interested to see how he reacts to this game.
Actually, I haven't heard if he's tried it yet or not.
I can attest to the fact that it is fun.
It is fun.
We played it.
You can see right on YouTube us reacting.
Axe Cop on Steam.
Check it out.
Please do.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Oh, man.
So, did anything weird happen this week?
Sure, hope so.
Otherwise, this section is going to be really boring.
So, got anything else to talk about?
Oh, here's one.
Kyle's going to love this.
More than 150 Santa's ride jet skis for a Guinness World Record.
Slowly deflating.
Do you love that?
150 jet skis.
Do they rent all these jet skis?
Do they all rent Santa costumes to beat this record?
Like, that's a lot of coordinating.
We were just hurting.
We interviewed, was it Mike Lindell?
It's not, it hasn't aired yet.
But he was telling us about all the regulations to get a Guinness record.
You have to have all these judges, like per 50 people or something.
So they had to have all these judges out there judging that the Santa costume was a proper Santa costume.
The jet ski was really a jet ski.
All this stuff, right?
Yeah.
They're checking out the color.
There's nothing so stupid as to be in the Guinness Book of World Records for the most Santa's on jet skis at once.
One guy's actually wearing maroon, not red.
It's like they blow the whistle and you're out.
Yeah, you're out of here.
Disqualifying.
Beard is too short.
This is not a Santa beard.
Now, I'd be impressed if they like beat some speed record or something.
And they just had like the Santa part is just incidental.
But there would happen to be 150 of them in Santa uniform.
Other than that, I'm on the record as being opposed to Guinness Records.
And this does not change my mind.
Mike Tyson eats ear off Roy Jones Jr. cake ahead of Exhibition Bout.
This is more like cute news.
Aww.
Silly old Mike Tyson.
Cute well, because you know, I assume everybody knows that Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield's ear, right?
Right, right.
Or actually, what most people don't realize is he bit off both his ears.
He said he watched the actual fight.
It's either he bit the same ear twice, but I think he bit both.
Like, he actually bit both ears during because he did it twice.
That's the crazy thing about that fight.
Is he did something that insane, and like they couldn't just end the fight?
Like, well, we want to see how this pans out.
So, he should have been disqualified, but they're like, okay, we'll keep it going.
And those guys ears bleeding.
And when he did it a second time, I'm like, all right, fine.
We got to disqualify Mike Tyson.
He's got no more ears to bite off.
He's like pushing to see how far he could go.
Yeah.
He said it tastes so much better than Evander's.
They are friends now.
That was in my RBG song.
Yeah, that's true.
In keeping with the holiday spirit, Tyson also calls Jones a turkey.
And he gave the leftovers to his dog.
This could have to be really creepy or kind of cute.
I guess I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know.
Well, good job, Mike.
I hope you enjoyed the cake.
I made a cake of your ear and I ate it.
That's creepy.
Very Roy Jones Jr.
I don't know.
George Clooney has been using Flobe for years.
Flobe.
We talked about this recently.
The vacuum.
It sucks as it cuts.
Sucks as it cuts.
Certainly does suck.
It was featured on Wayne's World, I think.
George Clooney, I cut my own hair.
Been using Flobe for years.
Is this an ad?
Do you think he got hired by Flobe to say this?
I've been using Flobe for years.
Like, I wouldn't do that if I was that rich.
I would have somebody do my hair.
Yeah, you could probably have someone come to your house while you're sleeping, do your hair.
And you wake up and your hair is cutting.
You wipe up and your hair is cut.
You're showered.
You got your clothes on.
Everything's ready to go when you wake up.
You've eaten breakfast.
You've done your taxes.
I mean, the Flobe is only four easy payments of $9.99.
Oh, did he say that in this interview?
That's what this article.
So it's only a moment.
I don't trust this.
This smells like a rat.
Like, he hasn't had enough big movie roles lately or something.
He's like.
Some of these weird news stories, it's just like someone tells a joke and they go make a whole story out of them.
Yeah.
Like he might have been joking about it.
Anti-gay Hungarian politician.
I think it's Mike.
Did you get all that?
Oh, is it?
Oh, you're right.
That's your turn.
You got a good one.
I save all the good ones for me.
Actually, you jumped right in because you wanted to make fun of me with the guinea stuff.
I wanted to get off the.
You want to read it?
Go ahead.
Read this.
Anti-gay, Hungarian politician.
Got all that stuff.
He's anti-gay.
He's Hungarian and he's a politician.
Okay.
And his name is Joseph Sezjak.
Good job.
He resigns after being caught attending a 25-man orgy in breach of COVID-19.
But who's counting?
Dude, you respect COVID-19?
So is it because he attended, he resigned because of the orgy or because they weren't social distancing?
Yeah.
But he's anti-gay Hungarian.
Is that a difference being anti-gay and anything else, or is it just Hungarian politician?
I don't know much about Hungarian politics.
Yeah, are they like very pro-gay or very anti-gay?
What does it entail to be an anti-gay politician?
Hungary's probably a Christian nation.
They're right-wing.
Right-wing.
Right-wing.
So they're anti-like gay marriage or something?
Yeah.
He's like, I'm not an anti-25-man orgy.
It's just nothing because you get married.
Don't need to be, you know, starting families.
He was caught breaching bills.
Okay, so he's a member of European Parliament.
He was in Belgium and he breached their strict lockdown rules to attend this gathering.
Okay.
Police found him in 25 naked men at the gathering.
And he jumped out the window, right?
Is that what you guys are saying?
He was caught climbing out a first floor window and spotted fleeing along the gutter.
Was he naked at this and fall fleeing out the window?
I don't know.
He said they found 25 naked men.
I don't know if he's included.
You assume.
Naked men.
He might have been there doing vigilante work as an anti-gay politician.
He was actually in the middle of like, you know, Batman fights 25 guys.
Yeah.
And he keeps circling around.
He's just taking them out.
Watch up.
Yeah.
Two at once.
Two at once.
Yeah.
And then knocks their heads together.
Swings them around by the ponytails.
Big whirlwind.
Where he's falling over like dominoes.
He's like, throwing was this girl who played Dorothy and Wizard of the Oz?
I forgot.
They're making us look stupid.
I can't remember.
That's so bad.
He said the obvious name.
Shirley Temple.
No.
Throwing her CDs at them.
That's too late.
The joke's gone.
Wizard of Oz.
Judy Garland CDs.
Throwing Julie Garden CDs at them like ninja stars.
It's over.
It's over.
Moment's gone.
Way gone.
We're smart.
Next one.
Eel bursts out of flying heron's stomach, alien style.
Heron.
You say heron?
Heron.
How do you say heron?
Heron.
Did that you say heron?
I've never heard the word heron pronounced before.
It's a common word.
It's a common word.
When's the last time you heard anybody pronounce that word?
Wasn't that bird that was over at the Bayar pond where we used to have our office, a heron?
I just call them pelicans.
A pelican has the giant chin thing that can carry babies.
Oh, maybe I called them flamingos.
No, a flamingo is like a pink S.
I don't disagree.
I'm just saying, how many times have you ever heard of them?
Birds are very distinct birds.
I'm just saying.
When's the last time you said, oh, look.
Heron.
There's a heron.
Recently.
At our office.
Yeah, I think that's a heron.
It's beautiful.
I've never heard you say that.
Heron.
It's not like a cult leader from the future.
Well, you would be reading this one.
What I love about it.
You hadn't stolen my head, my gay RG headline.
I picked this one.
I did steal your gay RG headline.
Thank you.
But what I like about this is that mankind had no part in the insanity of this situation.
This is all a God thing.
God thing.
A heron is flying through the sky.
An eel bursts from its chest.
And God's like, yeah, that's me.
I did that.
The heron had apparently swallowed the serpent whole.
Unless herons can go breach God's will, can they?
I don't know.
I don't know how it works.
So the eel is just like, nope, I'm not getting eaten today.
Not today, Heron.
Photographer Sin Davis told Life Science this week he thought at first the eel had bitten the bird and climbed on.
Oh, is there a picture?
But he blew up the photos and saw an entirely different scenario.
I could see the eel.
You could see its eyes.
Holy, he said, it was coming out the other end.
That heron looks like, yeah, it's still flying.
There's a giant eel hanging out of its chest, and its eyes look dead.
Yeah.
Wow.
It's like, that's a bad day for a heron.
Heron is now hair gone.
It's kind of heronic.
Stupid.
That's the joke I say, and I hope nobody laughs at that.
I don't want to be encouraged to make that bad of a joke.
And then Patrick just kills himself laughing.
Oh my gosh.
The funniest thing I've ever heard.
Well, we need to stop giving a meth before the show.
It's true.
Stories of the week.
Story of the week.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
What was the other animal I pronounced wrong on the show?
There was one like me once for protecting her pronunciation of a dinosaur.
Lemurs.
You said lemurs.
He's trying to be fancy.
I say bagel?
Bagel.
Bagel?
Bagel.
Wow.
It's not bagel.
It's bagel.
I don't know why.
That sounds like a Jim Henson character or something.
Bagel.
Bagel rock.
All right, here's the stories of the week from the Babylon Beach.
Let's do it.
Biden's transition team has announced they will be appointing an all-female communications team.
Yay.
Matriarchy win.
Is that how you say that?
I don't know about that.
According to sources, the team will not tell the nation what's wrong since you guys should already know.
Yeah, the nation should already be well aware.
They'll just say, everything's fine.
And then glare at you.
Imagine the press conference that came up.
Yeah, it's fine.
Everything's fine.
Is there anything wrong?
Should we be worried about anything?
I said it's fine.
Where do you want to eat tonight?
Wherever.
Wherever.
Never mind.
But you know what's funny?
I think Trump already has an all-female communication team.
He doesn't get any credit for any of the females.
I know.
They don't count.
Well, if he hires females, it's because he's a creepy old weirdo.
But if Biden, somehow, if he hires, and he announces I'm hiring all females, like there's nothing suspect about that.
I'm proud of the Babylon B for not telling that joke.
Yeah.
Because that's the obvious.
That's the obvious joke.
He's just walking to there all in the line.
He's just in.
Out.
I said women with herbal essences.
He's like, if you use that Australian shampoo with the kangaroo picture on it, just leave now.
I hate that stuff.
Is that called?
What is that called?
I don't know.
Aussie.
Foster's foster's shampoo.
That's the beer.
Furties.
Ferties?
Ferties?
No, there's like one that has a kangaroo on it.
I think it's just called Aussie, right?
Or am I thinking of the wine?
Isn't there a wine with a kangaroo on it?
Everything has a kangaroo on it.
I wouldn't know.
Shampoo, Aussie.
Aussie shampoos.
It's called Aussie?
Yeah.
I almost said that weird.
Aussie?
Called Aussie?
Call Heron?
I tweeted out this joke before we actually.
Oh, yeah, it was funny.
You tweeted as you.
I just tweeted the joke, and it did well.
I was like, oh, let's turn into a Babylon B article.
And people were like mad at me for copying the Babylon Bee.
Maybe you can let the Babylon B know you're stealing their jokes.
And then I got, we had a bunch of people replying saying, I love the sexism.
I love the sexism.
Not like they're mad.
Like sarcastic.
Such sexism.
I like when you make a joke like that and you get literal activist chauvinist type guys who are like, yeah, women suck, man.
No, it's just a light-hearted joke.
Light-hearted joke.
Yeah, man.
High five.
Yeah, sometimes you attract the worst people.
Yeah, it's the best of us.
Yeah, this is like one of those things where there's a lot of crossover between being like a male feminist and being like a total creep.
Like they would both do the exact same thing.
They would both do the same thing.
Like, I'm going to hire all females to work under me.
I will be at the top of all of them.
They will all do as I say.
So the male feminist is like, I'll hire all females.
I will give them all jobs.
They'll just give them all jobs and all females.
And then the creep is like, I'm going to hire all females.
Oh, yeah.
Said the exact same outcome.
Exact same things, just slightly different tone.
Yeah.
Possibly the same goals.
Fantastic.
Once more, Patsy.
Well, good job, Joe Biden.
Thank you for putting women in these positions.
Yes.
Good job.
That they passed your smell test and made it on the team.
Yep.
You have a nose for talent.
Yeah.
Nothing else.
Nothing else.
Let's see.
You have the whiff of success.
Sniffing success.
Sniff smell.
I'm just playing word association now.
Yeah.
Women are your cocaine.
Scent of.
I don't know.
I got nothing.
All right.
I can't be funny on.
I can't be funny all the time.
You can't be funny on the spot.
All right.
Next story.
Staffers have revealed that Biden, we're back on Biden here, was the victim of yet another tragic accident after his arm fell completely off as he attempted to open up a jar of peanut butter.
So how's that physically happened?
Sad.
So he's like, and then there's like a and all of a sudden his elbows, his elbows over there.
I'm trying to picture it because you're putting the tension on it, right?
Like you're torquing it.
You're twerking it?
Torking.
You pronounce that.
Twerking.
You pronounce that like twerking.
Torquing it.
Torquing.
Heron.
Twerking.
Does that get bleeped?
Does twerking get bleeped on this show?
Maybe, but I'm not saying twerking.
I'm saying twerking.
I'm not saying twerking.
I'm saying torquing.
Torking.
I don't know where you get accents from.
You're from Southern California.
That's right here, bro.
I'm just from here, dude.
Bro.
Bro.
Yeah, so I'm picturing torquing it.
Yeah.
Everybody wants to be the pickle hero.
And there's like 300 foot-pounds of torque on his shoulder.
Torque.
And then it just pops right along the shoulder seam.
Oh, the shoulder.
I was thinking elbow.
So then it's like, and then just spinning.
Oh, yeah, because there's all that tight.
There's all the torque.
It's torquey.
Wait, I didn't read the copy on this.
Let's see.
Okay, I haven't read it either.
Let's discover it together.
I want to hold myself.
If you had written this story, you would have been very descriptive about how it happened.
Yeah, the arm would have been like a fire hose of blood just spraying around the room.
Yeah.
I think Joel wrote the copy here.
Nothing.
I mean, it's just his arm just fell off.
His arm is just lying on the floor.
Fired.
Yeah.
But Biden really did get injured, didn't he?
Chasing his dog or something?
Playing with his dog.
Was he really chasing it?
I don't know.
Playing with his dog.
I just can't imagine being as old and kind of like feral as he.
I guess maybe he was trying to, where the cameras watching or something?
Or was he alone in the yard playing with his dog?
That's what he said.
What are you doing out here?
I was playing with the dog and I snapped my ankle.
How'd you get out?
Yeah.
I chased the dog.
The dog stole my teeth.
The dog's running around with human teeth.
I'm like, ah, get him.
Yeah, that's something.
The dog steals the human teeth.
That's something.
Because you know that he like that, it's quite possible that he wasn't actually playing with the dog.
He was like in the same area as the dog.
Oh, yeah.
They just found him on the ground and like, okay, what's the story, guys?
It's true.
They had to work on it.
Playing with the dog.
Yeah, really, he was trying to sniff the hair of a woman who was walking a little too fast.
And he goes with his nose.
Of course, she stops abruptly.
But he hurt his foot.
Yeah, I heard his hairline fracture on the foot.
Hairline fracture.
I think.
Yeah.
Hairline fracture on the foot.
Okay.
So what are the odds that he survives until Inauguration Day?
Are we putting odds down?
50-50?
I think he survives.
To the inauguration?
But I think he becomes like he will very soon, I think, become like, you know, everybody has that parent, the grandparent, who just kind of sits in the corner now and you feed him applesauce every now and then.
He's already that.
Yeah, that's what he's going to be.
Like, you have to like smear it.
It's just like, yeah, the other end of life where it's the same thing as like you're using a spoon with like rubber on it to not have any sharp, you know.
They're cutting his hair with safety scissors.
Yeah, just make sure that nothing happens to him.
Adult diapers.
Frank wrote this article today that Trump plans to upstage the Biden inauguration by jumping the Grand Canyon in a rocket car.
And that just, to me, that encapsulates what the next four years are going to be.
Like Biden, as long as he survives or whatever, he'll be in office and he'll just be saying stuff like, oh, here's the new initiative we're going to do.
Yeah.
And nobody pays him any attention.
Well, the media will always be like, it works so well.
It was amazing.
Most people just don't pay him any attention because Trump is much more interesting.
Yeah.
And he'll be out there having rallies.
He's going to be rallying for four years.
We'll get it back.
It was stolen.
Oh, man.
It'll never end.
Third story?
Let's do it.
Frank had said that he had done his funniest joke ever in this story about Trump jumping the Grand Canyon.
Oh, really?
But I don't know what it was.
He just said, my funniest joke ever is in there, but I never got a chance to ask him.
Oh, I thought it was his calculator watch one.
I don't know.
I'll have to ask him what it was.
Okay.
Story number three.
In a surprise result from a national survey of favorite foods, the winner with 80 million votes, blowing away the previous record of 69 million votes, was a lukewarm bowl of porridge.
Projected winner, just bowl of porridge cooling off.
The soggy bowl of chopped grains has apparently exploded in popularity around the country and is now handily the most beloved food ever.
What's further, if you don't like this lukewarm bowl of porridge, you are absolutely a homophobe and a racist.
It's true.
Right?
It's true.
How could you not like the bowl of porridge?
It's just there.
Right.
So some people think that the porridge is actually really popular, but the more likely thing is that the other option on the survey was deep-fried bacon-wrapped Twinkies.
How could that not win?
Which a lot of people really love, but then a lot of people really hate.
Oh, okay.
So it's divisive.
Gotcha.
The hated food.
Would this really happen?
I still think the bacon-wrapped Twinkie would because I think that there's unlike if the analogy is that Trump is the bacon-wrapped Twinkie, a lot of people will lie on a survey and say that they don't like Trump, then they'll vote for him.
True.
The opposite with the Twinkie.
They'll be like, oh, yeah, man, I love bacon-wrapped stuff and Twinkies.
And yeah, yeah, but then everyone will be like, yeah, I don't really want to get sick right now.
Did I destroy this story?
No, You look concerned.
No, because we were trying to come up with what the best analogy for Trump was.
Maybe that isn't the best.
Deep-fried bacon-wrapped Twinkie.
Or if it's something that's not.
But it's definitely something people are really passionate about.
Yeah.
I mean, it's like a pineapple pizza situation where half the people are like, yeah.
Yeah, like divisive.
Yeah.
But then the other half would actually go out to vote for the bowl of porridge just to defeat the pineapple pizza, even though they don't like the porridge either.
Yeah.
But the porridge is just bland.
Yeah.
That's the main thing about porridge.
Porridge is made for British people to say.
It's not good English.
Porridge.
English, but like, you know, the way we talk.
Whatever you call our accent.
Porridge.
Way better for that.
Normal accent.
Porridge.
Porridge.
So what is porridge?
Is it just oatmeal?
Like oatmeal, basically.
Because, yeah, they have it everywhere.
When I went to the UK, like at all the hotels, the breakfast bar, porridge?
They have all the stuff you could put in it.
It's a food commonly eaten as a breakfast cereal dish made by boiling ground, crushed, or chopped starchy plants like grain in water or milk.
So I guess it's not, I guess oatmeal.
Oats, but yes.
Oatmeal is oats and porridge is like grains.
This is the podcast that gives you all the details on what porridge is on the cutting edge of information.
So do you think the 80 million votes for porridge, Joe Porridge, was legit?
Oh, is that how we're talking?
Is that you think it's fraud?
Is this a fraud joke?
That's not a joke.
I'm just asking if you really think did Biden really get 80 million foots?
Yeah, I guess that's true in this situation.
I'd be like, wait a minute.
Yeah.
How did the porridge get the most votes in history history?
They take the survey of your food.
More than what would the food be that was Obama?
I'm afraid everything I say will be racist.
Oh, man.
Right?
You can't say anything chocolate.
That's immediately racist.
He's probably a health food.
He can't be.
You know, anything I say, I can't say it.
Like a granola bar.
I don't know.
Like a granola.
Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.
Because it's got to be more something cool.
What's a cool food that's healthy?
Doritos Locos.
Kombucha?
Oh, kombucha.
Kale.
Smoothie?
Maybe like a Jamba Juice smoothie or something.
Yeah, Jamba juice.
Or is it cold brew, nitro?
I don't know.
With milk in it, so it's a light color.
Yeah.
No, you can't do anything.
You can't do that.
That's what I'm saying.
You compared him to a dark beverage.
Oh, yeah.
He got milk.
No coffee.
Just take the coffee out.
He could be a strawberry frappuccino.
Okay.
That's too gay sounding.
I don't know.
Too pink.
I could see it.
Mango.
Whatever he is.
He's a mango smoothie from McDonald's or something.
And then I really want to dissect this and find the perfect food that is Barack Obama.
Yeah, we should have done this before the podcast.
Yeah.
But he's like, so he's just something that you're like, okay, I get why people voted.
Because it'd be like historic.
The mango smoothie.
One.
Like a Barack Obagel.
I don't know.
Yeah, we need a lot more time to think about this guy.
But whatever he is, he's a good food.
Let's say Mango Smoothie.
Yeah.
And then like eight years, wait, eight, four, four years later, you're like bowl of porridge.
Got 10 million more votes than he did.
Yeah, exactly.
That's just a weird.
Yeah.
But I get people, you, I mean, maybe we were underestimating how much of it.
He's like a krispy cream.
Like there's people lining up for him.
Yeah.
In his time.
Krispy Kreme.
Okay.
We'll go Krispy Kreme.
Okay.
He's Krispy Kreme donut.
Right.
He's light, sugary, addicting.
I don't know.
Nothing else.
All right, let's do our topic of the week.
Enough politics.
Yeah.
Let's do our topic of the week, which is non-political.
Woohoo!
Let's be angry.
And now the Babylon bees talking is water.
Well, everyone, it's that time.
Christmas.
It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Do you like that song?
No, but I don't hate it.
Yeah, I don't hate it.
I don't like it.
We're going to talk about Christmas songs we hate.
In the spirit of the holidays.
In the spirit of the holidays, we're going to be.
Let's talk about stuff that's horrible.
Yeah.
Well, I love Christmas.
Do you love Christmas, Kyle?
I do love Christmastime.
I absolutely do.
So we're just saying that these songs we could do without them or they should die.
Some of them I do think should burn a fiery death or die in a burning fiery death.
I don't know if I said that.
Go back in time, kill the songwriter.
Would you do it?
Depending on the songwriter.
Yeah.
Yeah, we could decide on each one.
We could decide on each one.
Also, when do you start listening to Christmas music?
When do I start?
Yeah.
Around now.
We just put our tree up yesterday.
Okay.
We're right about like Thanksgiving or beginning of December.
Christmas music, decorations.
My wife turned on this Christmas music from Spotify, and it like literally every song that played were songs that we listed on this list in preparation for this part.
You cannot say like play Christmas music.
It's always a horrible music.
It's always the worst.
They pick these like really bad.
I think it's the thing is we like because there's a genuineness to Christmas.
Yeah.
And a lot of the old songs are genuine and there's like post commercialized Christmas and all the songs that realize, oh, this is big, there's big money in Christmas songs.
It was like post like 1940s, 1950s or something.
It just turned and all like, I'm going to write this big pop Christmas song.
Yeah.
Terrible.
Right.
And I think some of the Christmas songs we like, like the Christmas hymns, aren't necessarily Christmas hymns.
They're just hymns.
They're hymns and they happen to mention the incarnation.
So anyway, let's do this.
Worst Christmas songs of all time.
First one.
Okay, these are in no particular order.
No particular order, but let's just alternate and here we go.
Mary, did you know?
Well, yes.
Yes, I did.
So this is the ultimate man splaining Christmas carol.
Mark Laurie going on.
Mark Boy walking up to Mary, little, she's just sitting there humbly, 14 years old or whatever.
She's obviously stupid because she's a teenager.
He pops out of the hay.
Yeah.
Mary, did you know that's your baby boy?
It has that.
My experience of this song that every year, most churches I've gone to, it's actually usually a woman singing it, but sometimes a man.
But they're always the one who sings with the karaoke track that's a little bit off, like a little bit warbly because it's a cassette tape.
It's like, like all those like, like Bonnie Tyler type song, you know?
Yeah.
And then they sing it like, did you know and your baby boy?
We just have to sit and wait through it, you know?
And the only person clapping real hard is their husband.
Go, honey.
Yeah.
She hits the high note and the yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, you get the guy that does that.
Yeah.
They always call it special music.
Yeah.
But it's listened to the special and that's coherent.
You're not supposed to sing along.
But the overhead turns off and you're like, oh, it's a song, but we don't get to have to participate.
Yeah.
I'm going to sing at you.
So it's going to be like a real concert, but like not nearly at all as good at all.
Not anywhere near.
All right.
Here's another one.
This is the obvious, most obvious, right?
The Christmas shoes.
Which I don't think I've ever heard the whole thing.
I've had so many warnings to hate it that I will hate it because I haven't ever.
It's like those country songs that tell a story throughout where it starts out like the boy was going into the shop and his mom was dying of cancer.
It's just so like on the nose and obviously trying to get you to cry.
Does it make you cry?
The first time it's so, it's just, it's so obvious.
It doesn't.
No, there's no punch to it.
Because I do like a good sappy country song that makes you cry.
Like what?
Well, my like, okay, so my experience with this is when I was moving from Oregon to California, I it hadn't really dawned on me that like I was leaving the state and I had been living with my brother and like say goodbye to my brother everything, got in the car, getting ready to move, you know, leave.
I had forgotten something.
So we're adults.
I'm like 25.
He's like six years younger me.
So he's like 19 or 20 or whatever.
And I walk in to pick up the last thing I forgot my wallet or something and my brother's weeping.
It didn't dawn on me that my brother would like be so heartbroken that I was leaving.
And it wasn't that I wasn't heartbroken.
I hadn't, it hadn't hit me yet.
It hit him before it hit me.
But I tried to be the big brother.
I just hugged him and said, it's okay, brother, you know, everything's good.
So I got in the car and the first song came on my car randomly.
I've never heard the song before, but it was Randy Travis, Three Wooden Crosses.
It's a super sappy song where like a, there's like a hooker and a preacher and another guy.
They're all riding a bus together.
And uh, and the car, there's a huge car wreck, and at the end, there's a preacher telling a story about the three wooden crosses in the highway.
So, it means of the four people, one person survived, and everybody thinks it's the preacher because he's telling the story.
And then you realize he's holding that blood-stained Bible up that his mama gave to him because she was the hooker in the car who like got converted, you know.
So, when that came on the song, I just started bawling, but I was like, ready to bawl for anything.
So, when that came on, sorry, that was a huge aside.
That was the Ethan story.
Story time.
I'm tearing up right now talking about it.
He's never boring, he's never dull.
It's story time with Ethan Nickel.
I know you're really, but I'm thinking about my brother crying.
I'm not thinking about the song, but that's it's a good song.
That's the kind of song I'm making fun of.
Yeah, so maybe the Christmas shoes is a good song.
I don't know, maybe, but anyway, the guy wants the kid wants to buy shoes for his mom because she's dying.
And he goes, shoes cure cancer.
And then he wanted his mom to wear pretty shoes when she saw Jesus for the first time.
Okay, and then like he doesn't have enough money.
He has horrible theology.
And the shopkeeper's like, You can't have the shoes at 30 bucks, bro.
You know, I think five when someone gets the money.
What do you think this is?
A charity.
Uh, okay, next song is Last Christmas.
That one, last Christmas.
You gave me my heart, but the very next day you gave it away.
I hate that part.
I know that I hate that part.
I can't really put my finger on why to save me.
I think part of it is that that doesn't rhyme right.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day you rhymed with day.
What do you abandon the line before it?
Yeah, I think that's what I hate about it mostly.
Maybe they couldn't think of a rhyme for heart.
And how do you give it away?
Well, the funny thing is, they say that you tear it out of somebody's anus, you don't give away a hearty heart away.
How's that work?
Like, you stomp on it and burn it.
I think the thing that bugs me about the song is not the mechanics of giving your heart away.
Or other than the fact that this guy's like, Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and then you broke my heart.
This year, I'm going to give it to someone special.
But did he not think that person was special?
And he's that much of a psychopath that he's still talking about a year later.
Yeah, he's writing a song to the other girl.
He's like, With someone else, I'm so over you.
I'm going to write a song about it a year later.
Didn't he think that person was special at the time?
Isn't that the whole thing?
The perception: did you think they're special?
And he's like, Yeah, his current girlfriend.
He's like, I wrote us a song.
Well, it's really about my ex-girlfriend, but it's about how much I love you.
You sit on the couch.
I'm going to play right now.
And then the other thing that bugs me.
When I say you in the song, I mean her, but it's about us.
The other thing that bugs me is it's not a Christmas song, just happens to be set during Christmas.
Last Christmas.
But wait, isn't that what diehard is?
We'll talk about that some other time.
Okay.
Sensitive.
All right.
Wonderful Christmas time.
This feels like this is Beatles, right?
Yeah, it's, is it McCartney?
Oh, McCartney.
I wonder for Christmas time.
This feels like, you know, Target was like, we have a huge budget for you, Paul McCartney.
Write a Christmas song.
He's like, oh, Roy, whatever.
Oh, Roy.
Just like just the most bland Christmas song.
Yeah, it's just something they wanted something to play when you go into Sears.
I don't think we have this one on here, but there's also that one about the whole world.
Do they know it's Christmas?
About, you know, I almost put that on here.
Did I not put it on here?
I don't think it's on here.
That was like the one that I did for charity.
I was on the fence because I couldn't remember what, and then I heard it on that playlist last night.
My wife was playing.
I was like, oh, yeah, this is horrible.
Do they know it's Christmas?
Yeah.
I can't remember how it goes.
But it's so pandering, like, just dumb.
Like, are you kidding?
All these cuts to all these different celebrities singing.
Do they even know it's Christmas?
So, in this wonderful Christmas time song, there's another funny lyric.
It says, The choir of children sing their song.
They practiced all year long.
And then it goes ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong.
So, what did they practice all year long?
Like, they're like, ding.
That sounds like a racist thing about like a Chinese choir.
I'm sorry.
Ethan.
Is that all we got to say on that one?
Is it your turn?
Your turn.
I don't know.
Little drummer boy.
I put this on.
Yeah.
Because rum, pum-pum-pum is not a word and it's stupid to say it.
And it doesn't.
I despise that word.
That's not what a drum sounds like.
Exactly.
And you have to say it so many times in the song.
Like every few seconds, you're saying rum, pum-pum-pum-pum.
And people act like it's a meaningful lyric.
Really feels like they were patting it up.
Yeah, you have to be like really passionate rum pump pump pum.
Yeah, because the big crescendos are like doing that.
Rum pump pump pum.
Yeah.
Rum pum pum.
It feels like we're all being pranked.
Yeah.
Like you're like, you're seeing like a big actor's in a really bad movie, and they have to like a crying scene.
And like, it's the stupidest situation ever.
That's, I feel like when we're singing Little Drummer Boy and acting like it's this impassioned like song to Jesus.
But we're singing the dumbest word on earth.
Rum pum pum pum.
Well, and then it's like supposed to be like historical, like this, like they put it, it's like historical fiction, I guess, because there's a kid that's playing his drum for Jesus.
Yeah, some kid walked up with drums around my baby the day I was born.
What are you doing?
I would kick him out of there so fast.
I'll tell you what, I'll be throwing you out the window.
And what did Jesus like wink at him or something in the story?
I can't remember what the.
Jesus.
What was the story?
I don't know.
Then I bowed to him.
He smiled at me.
He smiled at me.
That's it.
Yeah, so he winked, basically.
He smiled at me.
So like he's hitting the drums and everyone else is like, come on, shh.
And then freaking out the animals.
How freaky would it be if a newborn smiles at you?
Yeah, newborns.
Yeah, and they don't know what they're doing.
Like my said gas.
Yeah.
Farting.
I played my.
Then he smiled.
Yeah.
Then he smiled at me.
Is that the ending?
He smiled at me.
Well, then it goes on and on about my drum, my drum, my drum, purple, pum, pum, pumpum, me and my drum.
So the kid's a psychopath.
He thinks his drum has a soul.
Me and my drum.
Jesus.
Jesus smiled at me.
The baby is smiling.
Maybe it's a new dimension where the kid's actually psychotic and he never actually went to the manger.
I pictured all this in his head.
All right, next.
Let me do the next one because I want you to take the next one.
Okay.
Baby, it's cold outside.
This is a complicated one for us.
Yeah, because we want to like it because we can't, because all the woke people hate it.
We want.
Because they say it's raping.
We dislike it, but we need to be clear.
We just like it for a different reason.
Yeah.
Because we're okay.
We're okay with raping.
That's not what I mean.
I like how Ethan and I, Ethan in my comedic style.
It's like I go up to the line and I'm like, oh, we can't tell that, Jeff.
And he just goes, Geronimo!
I know that you'll censor it if you're not okay.
It's true.
Ultimately, the authority.
Put it on me.
Yeah, it's just kind of that sappy pop.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Again, it's that era.
It's the era once they've realized that Christianity, or not Christianity, but Christmas is super commercialized.
They're doing all these Christmas albums.
All the big stars are doing them.
These ones, especially, I hate these ones where they do all these, like, it feels like every single line they could look at the camera and be like, wasn't that funny?
Aren't I a kidder?
Like, it just drives me crazy.
I'll take your hands.
They're cold as ice.
They like wink at you.
And again, not a Christmas song, a winter song, right?
It's said in winter.
Is there anything about Christmas in this song?
I think not.
That's all you need is snow and you're good.
That's a Christmas movie song.
Captain America Winter Soldier, Christmas movie.
I have a broad.
Oh, I thought you Googled there.
No, I was Googling lyrics and then I got sidetracked.
I tried Googling the lyrics.
Oh, yeah, I really can't stay.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, because all the man's lyrics are in parentheses, so they're all the little LOLs.
Gosh, your lips are delicious.
There's bound to be talk tomorrow.
Think of my lifelong sorrow.
So stupid.
I like that she's just talking.
At least there will be plenty implied if you caught pneumonia and died.
I like the idea that she's just saying this stuff, and he keeps rhyming with every line.
And she doesn't know that they're trying to sing a duet.
Yeah.
He's like, what have you died?
That rhymes what you just said.
That's true.
Probably if this is like a real, like the way men and women really are.
Like she never picked up on him hitting on her the whole time.
She just left.
Like, well, he's nice.
Like, I told her how.
She's married.
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, this was your pick, and I'm interested because I didn't hate this one.
This one, I just find myself getting annoyed at it whenever every time I sing it.
We three kings.
Fine.
Three wise men.
Who really cares about them?
I mean, we care about Jesus.
They're just some guys.
They brought stuff to Jesus.
So it's already not an exciting topic.
It's pretty cool.
Did Angel's cool?
It could have been three anything.
But from a historical perspective, it's pretty cool.
You have these three Magi from the East that show up.
I probably just don't get why.
I'm just putting some distance between me and you in case a lightning bolt comes.
I just mean as far as it being interesting, like Noah on the Ark's interesting.
Okay, but if you look at all the historical events that have ever occurred, it's like top 1% interesting.
Yeah, they find the baby.
That's cool.
But it's Jesus.
Yeah, it's Jesus finding Jesus baby.
Okay, anyway, even if it's an interesting topic, it's a dumb song.
And my main thing is I hate about it is it's like, okay, it's already, the melody is already lame.
And so I'm imagining the writing session where they're sitting around like, hey, we should write a song about the three kings.
The Christmas season needs a three kings song.
All right, let's do it.
So they get through that part like that was pretty good.
Like, then they come with a second, they're like, well, I have a different song, but I don't know how to connect them.
Like, how do we put these two songs together?
She's like, I know.
We just do this part where he goes, oh, God of wonder God.
And that's it.
They just like stop the song.
Everybody goes, oh.
And then they, and then when they want to go back to their part, oh.
I think that's dumb.
Oh, it's specific complaint.
Yeah.
Like, Harry, everybody goes, oh.
So I have a funny story about this song.
And when I was at my last, it was at one of my churches in San Diego.
They approached me like right before the Christmas service.
And the pastor was like, oh, every year, it's a tradition.
We sing We Three Kings with three of the pastures.
And we put on the outfits and we'd sing the whole song.
Balthasar.
We're doing that at the end of the service.
And you know the name?
He's like, you're going to come in.
Well, the names aren't real.
They're just traditional.
How dare you?
I played Balthazar in a Christmas place.
That's why I think I'm acting like a theologian when I say that.
You're going to correct my bird pronunciation.
I'm going to correct your Bible stuff.
Balthazar.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Balthazar.
So, anyway, they pull us up.
They pull me up on stage and like hand me sheet music and put a rope on me.
And then we all put our arms around each other and swing back and forth and go, Oh, so you were one of the kings?
I had to be one of the kings.
Were you Balthasar?
Sorry.
And it was just brutal.
Oh, that's it.
It was just brutal.
Your plants didn't fall down or anything.
There's just a congregation of like 50.
Yeah, it's small.
A small church kind of spread out in this big building.
And then you just had like very creepy take turns doing verses or anything or going rap.
Probably.
And then, oh, star off wonder, star.
And they wanted it.
It's so monotonous.
Oh, you got to emphasize the swaying.
We got to sway back and forth.
Like, hey, we've got a melody for a song about this.
Ra, ra, rah, All right, it's good.
Let's do that.
Next song.
Oh, I hate this one too.
Anything by Chris Tomlin?
Yeah.
Does he have any good ones?
Any altered Christmas song?
That's my thing.
His joy to the world.
Joy.
Unspeakable joy.
It's rising in my soul.
The blood is boiling in my heart.
It never lets me go.
I see the value in adding a chorus in some sense and that you can broaden the audience for to stupid people.
To stupid people.
But the fact that the chorus adds nothing of value lyrically.
No.
Like you're already singing these rich dumbs about joy to the world.
The Lord has come.
And you're like, wow, this is great.
And then you go, doesn't joy feel good to me.
Unspeakable joy.
You know what it's doing?
It's rising in my soul.
And it never lets me.
It lets me go.
It makes it all about me again.
That's what all the worship songs do.
Yeah.
Every time we because it sucks, it's like the best part of the song when we get all of a sudden they hit that part and it just ruins the moment.
Like I look around the church when they sing that.
Most everybody just stopped singing.
Like, this isn't joy to the world.
It would be like, that's the thing that drives me crazy about like Christian artists or like culturally.
Like if you did that to like a precious secular song, like you'd be like, like flogged in the streets.
Like you take like, what's like a precious secular song?
Yeah, you take Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah.
You add a chorus.
You add a chorus and you act like this.
The new Bohemian Rhapsody that everybody's going to love.
Don't stop believing.
Yeah.
You'd just be ridiculed.
And you never stop believing.
Not one time.
Not one time.
And then you never stop believing.
And even like a flood rushing over me.
You make all the royalties.
Yeah.
Now we need to record our version of Don't Stop Believing.
You heard my idea for a Christmas carol is like you sing it like basically like O Come All You Faithful, but all the lyrics are like, please, please, Chris Tomlin, leave this song alone.
It's fine just the way that it was written long ago.
Please, no bridges.
Just write something original.
Oh, please leave me alone.
Oh, please leave me.
Do not hurt me.
What did I do to you, Chris Tomlin?
psychopath what else we got Can't baby.
Now you said you didn't mind this one.
I don't mind this as much.
It's kind of like fine if you want your cute Madonna.
Is it Madonna?
I don't think she ever wrote it.
She covered it.
I thought it was, no, Marilyn Monroe.
Right?
I doubt even she wrote it.
Or no, is this Earth a kit?
Earth a kit.
Okay, I would never got that.
I was thinking of the one that's possible.
I'm thinking of Brenda Lee, but she does the rocking around the Christmas tree.
Most of these Christmas songs that are popularized by someone are written like way before by someone else.
I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.
That one.
Quite a funny story about this.
He then mentions it, and he goes, this song is so creepy and weird.
Yeah, like, okay, so you see Santa making out with your mom, and then it's supposed to be fine for the dad not to find out because it's Santa and he's just allowed to go making out with people's wives.
And then I guess I never closely read the lyrics.
Like, these guys are all lyric scholars of Santa Santa Claus songs, apparently.
And apparently, the song is about that.
It turns out the plot twist is that Santa is the dad.
So really, it's good.
The kid could have been traumatized because it could have gone a lot farther than just kissing.
It's a good thing.
It's a good thing he was spying and not things didn't go that.
Never mind.
And it would have been fully redeemed by the Lord.
Within the bounds of marriage.
Is there any like because you know, your sexual freedom within marriage is pretty free?
Are there any costumes you shouldn't wear?
Is it for sin if there's a certain costume that you wear?
I mean, Satan, maybe.
Why?
Devil costume, you think maybe?
No.
Depends what the context is, probably.
I don't know.
Let's move on.
Tune into the subscriber portion for more.
So many ideas are coming up.
We're going to go over to the subscriber lounge shortly, and you can hear me.
Yeah, we can dig into that.
Oh, man, that hurts.
I think it's your turn.
Is it?
Oh, yeah, I don't mind this one as much either.
I kind of like it.
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.
Just stupid.
It's just dumb, but I kind of like the little cute country type song.
You know, I wonder if Weird Al had written it, if I would have been all over it.
Probably would have, yeah.
But Al's just cheesy.
Yeah.
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, another one, like in that vein.
It's fine.
I love the Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas album because we grew up.
That was like a tradition.
We'd open up the Christmas box of all the ornaments, and right on the top would always be the Alvin and Chipmunks tape.
And we'd pop it in, and that would be our decorating music.
So I was always okay.
Here was this next one.
We could be labeled racist, but we're going to take a bold step forward and both come out saying that Feliz Navi Dad is a crap song.
It's caca.
It is caca.
No quero.
No bueno.
No bueno.
I can't remember the.
No quiero feliz navidad.
No query.
Yo quiero as I want.
No quiero.
Feliz navi dado.
Our chihuahua would not want that.
That's an old talk of.
No quiero Feliz Navidad.
I was imitating the Chihuahua.
I saw that on the Lifetime channel, they have a movie starring Mario Lopez, and it's called Feliz Navi Dad.
And he's like a dad hot and on the market.
And you know, when they pitched that idea in Hollywood, they were like, get this.
They write it on the board, Feliz Navi.
Dad.
Dead.
And they underlined it.
They were really proud of them.
So I think the whole word is italicized, and then dad is on.
I don't know.
Something like that.
It's very clever.
But yeah, so let's just like.
I don't know what they're saying.
Oh, Merry Christmas.
Well, Merry Christmas, yeah.
Well, because then they explain it later.
They're like, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Yeah, and I feel like if you're going to write a song in Spanish, just commit.
Own it.
Just commit.
But also, just the, it sounds like so nasally.
Like, it sounds like they're just like holding.
Just very repetitive to me.
Super repetitive.
Is there other parts besides Feliz Navidad?
Do they add any lyrics later on?
Did Chris Tallman do his take on it?
Feliz.
Feliz Navidad.
You're a good, good Navidad.
It's rising in my soul, in my corazón.
It's Jose Feliciano.
Okay, so yeah, this is a very, if you look at the lyrics.
We're googling it.
No, look at it.
Look at those lyrics.
It's just a wall of repeated.
Oh, man.
You do need that?
You can't remember that?
Feliz Navidadad Feliz Navidad.
Feliz Navidad.
Prospero año y Felicidad.
Feliz Navidadad Feliz Navidadad Feliz Navidad.
So that's like almost a little song.
And then the next part is, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
I wanna wish you Merry Christmas.
I wish you Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.
It's aesthetic.
We love Mexicans, though.
Yeah, we love you guys.
Mexicans.
We wish you a Merry Christmas.
Did you have this one on here?
Yeah.
I wouldn't mind it because there's something like the.
Because I think that the people who sold this song the best is Weezer on their Christmas album.
It has a good kind of like, we wish you a Merry Christmas.
And there's like the guitars like, but then there's like the bring me my figgy pudding.
It's the stupidest lyric ever.
What is figgy pudding and why are you being so demanding about it?
And I hate it.
I can't get into that part.
And so for me, it's on the list.
I'm googling this.
I just feel like a jerk whenever, you know, to sing that.
Why do we want to take the position of a demanding jerk in a song of a Christmas song?
Like, oh, let's just imagine ourselves as some stuck-up billionaire.
Obvious one: 12 Days of Christmas.
Does anybody like this song?
I doubt it.
I had heard that this was.
A lot of people pretend they like it, but I think it's pretty.
I heard people say, oh, it's actually preaching the gospel.
Like the partridge in the pear tree, Jesus on the cross.
But then I heard later that that was just completely made up.
Someone just wrote that in the chat.
The three turtle doves are the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Yeah, like that kind of stuff.
Let's figure it out.
The theology of the 12 Days of Christmas.
Theology.
Okay, so on the first day of Christmas, I heard that this wasn't a partridge and a pear tree.
Second day, Trullo gave me two turtle doves.
I was wrong.
It's not three turtle doves.
It's three French hens.
So the two turtle doves are Mary and Joseph.
So yeah.
In verse three, the three French hens are obviously the Trinity.
The fourth one is Four Calling Birds, which is the wise men.
But there's a fourth one they added on.
They didn't make it in.
And the fifth, five golden rings, that's obviously something out of Revelation.
There's rings.
They got rings in Revelation, I think.
Snopes refuted it.
Or at least Lord of the Rings.
According to the internet, Snopes has refuted this.
Okay, but we can figure it out.
Six geese a laying.
Are you just making these up?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought you were reading some.
I was like, you're not watching any of this.
I'm like, what's Ethan talking about?
Okay, geese a laying is obviously Easter.
They're making eggs, which are Easter eggs, which point back to Jesus.
I was thinking the six, six, six, six.
That's the number in the beast.
Oh, okay.
Seven swans a swimming.
Seven churches of the book of Revelation.
Obviously.
And then eight maids of milking.
There's seven churches.
Seven is the magic number of Jesus or something.
I haven't heard.
That's the magic number.
Everyone, before I ascend into heaven, I'm going to give you the magic number.
This ministry brought to you by the number seven.
Seven, seven, seven.
Eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me eight maids of milking.
So that's in support of polygamy.
Probably it's Mormonism or something.
I don't know.
I'm just not a theologian.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me nine ladies dancing.
This is starting to sound like Joe Biden's Christmas Carol.
Nine Ladies Dancing.
Ten Lords a Leaping.
So this is like human trafficking.
I never realized that this song involved buying human beings that were milking and dancing for you.
Are you just hiring them or do you own them?
I don't know.
Who knows?
It's a mystery.
So ninth day of Christmas, nine ladies dancing.
What do those represent biblically?
The one?
Oh, I have no idea.
Where's dancing in the Bible?
Dancing.
Ten is the beast in Revelation with 10 heads.
Skip nine.
Oh, what's nine?
Nine ladies dancing.
The nine members of the fellowship.
Oh.
Is that in Lord of the Rings?
Yes.
Bible adjacent.
Yeah, it's adjacent.
And the tenth was what?
Revelation?
Yeah, the ten-headed beast, right?
And then 11 pipers piping.
So that's John Piper.
John Piper, obviously.
Yeah.
And his whole family.
He's got a son, MacArthur.
MacGuthen.
What's his name?
It's a weird name, like McGeeter or something.
Or the MacGuther?
McGeeter.
McGeezy Piper or something like that.
What's his name?
Barnabas.
Barnabas.
That's close.
I didn't know what you were talking about.
Piper's son.
John Piper's son.
He sounds like a labyrinth character.
Like, I was trying to think, what did he name his kid?
Oh, yeah, Barnabas.
Poor Barnabas Piper.
Yeah, it's not his fault.
He got named it.
12 Tribes of Israel, 12 disciples.
Oh, yeah, obviously.
Yeah.
12 disciples.
Easy.
Boom.
Now it's a Christmas.
It's still a crappy song, even though it's totally biblical.
We still hate it.
All right, our final one: Every Hansen Christmas album.
Every single one.
Yeah.
Because my wife listens to all of them.
Oh.
Over and over.
They're actually not bad, but are there any Christmas albums quickly that you want to recommend?
Or we could talk about that in the subscribe portion.
I just want to check and make sure that nobody's tattling on me to my wife because I know there's people who listen to this podcast and talk to her.
Hey, Kyle Disdunhansen.
Oh, there's Christmas songs we like on here.
Bonus.
Are we going to do that?
Yeah.
Or do you want to do it in the subscriber portion?
Okay.
I'm more of albums than songs, but yeah.
Christmas songs we like, Oh Holy Night.
Well, yeah, that's definitely good.
I have actually some old covers that I did recorded of O Holy Night, Ocum Manual, and I have O Come All E Faithful.
I could link them or something if anybody wants to hear if you guys want to check out Ethan's SoundCloud.
Yeah.
Oh, Holy Night.
They might be on my SoundCloud, yeah.
I find them.
I mean, who doesn't love Foo?
My dad's a trained opera singer.
And he loves that song, so in his tiny church.
And he used to sing to auditoriums of people without mics.
So like we would get that part and he would like go up three octaves.
And you could see people like flinch like a gun had gone off.
Like all you just did.
And then we just probably a bunch of people just ran off the road.
Yeah.
Listen to our pup.
Sorry anybody.
But that was tame.
I'm listening to these true crime podcasts you're recommending me.
And they keep like playing sirens.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
And I'm driving myself.
Oh, it screws you up.
Oh, come Ocum Emmanuel.
So good.
So good.
I actually like Rob Halford.
I'm a huge fan of Heavy Metal Christmas.
Rob Halford has Judas Priest album called Winter Songs.
He's got a version of We Three Kings that's really good.
And I think he's got a version of O'Come O'Come Emanuel.
It's really good.
Ronnie James Deal recorded a version of God Rest You Merry Gentleman, which is just the super down-tune heavy guitar.
God rest you, Mary.
Yeah.
Love it.
I kind of like the Bad Religion not Chris's album, actually.
It's pretty good.
Though I think I hate their God Rest You Merry Gentleman version.
Yeah.
I think Blind Boys of Alabama put out at least one of the, I think they put out multiple, but they had one.
I hear the name of that album.
I think it's great.
It's one of my favorite Chris's albums.
Blind Boys.
There's also a band called The Klezmonauts who sing, do like super Jewish-sounding klezmer music.
Like it sounds like the music in like the Star Wars cantina, but it's like Christmas songs.
It's pretty funny.
MXPX used to put out like a Christmas song every year.
I don't know if they're still doing it.
It's always good.
It's like punk rock with the jingle bell on the back.
Perry Grip just put out a Christmas album.
Christmas Pizza, I think it's called.
Look at that up.
It's probably on Spotify now.
And plus, he already has a gazillion Christmas songs already.
Maybe they're on there.
I don't know.
Handles Messiah.
I don't know if I ever listened to them.
I've always liked Oh, come all you faithful.
I love that song.
Oh.
But all those old ones.
Though I don't know, Silent Night's alright.
But we can make it.
It's a very nursery rhymey feeling.
Could we make it?
Yeah, I don't like that.
Away in a Major Silent Night, not a big fan.
Like Jesus making no crying sounds.
Like, what is that?
Yeah, why'd you have that?
Yeah.
Come on.
We could just, we need to make a year and declare anything before this is okay.
That's Christmas music.
Yeah.
Anything after there's no good.
That's basically it.
Yeah.
1901.
It's Go Tell It on the Mountain is the name of the Blind Boys.
The Blind Boys of Alabama.
Oh, there you go.
Album.
Yeah, and they have all these duets on there.
They're like Tom Waits on there and Solomon Burke.
It's great.
All right.
Well, Merry Christmas, everyone.
We'll talk more about Christmas in these coming weeks here.
Indeed.
Speaking of Christmas, let's do some hate mail.
Let's do it now.
I'm Miss Adam Ford.
Every week we read hate mail on the Babylon Bee podcast because we get a lot of angry comments, emails, reviews.
Every medium you can think of.
We get angry messages.
These are iTunes reviews.
iTunes, which we really appreciate the nice iTunes reviews.
You want to give us a good iTunes review?
It helps a lot.
Thank you.
Do that.
I think YouTube comments are good.
All right, this is actually about Patrick who laughs in the background.
Although they think it's Dan because Dan was our producer or is our producer.
They didn't brought Patrick in, but we didn't mention that we brought Patrick in.
All of a sudden, this guy's a musician.
So they're knowing that Dan just became old.
I actually sympathize with this hate mail.
Because they just assumed Dan all of a sudden hilarious.
Normally mild name.
I mean, you too, but in his email or his review, he thinks only I'm funny.
Oh, man.
Okay.
But maybe that means he thinks mine lines are worth laughing at, and he doesn't understand why he's laughing at you.
Why are you laughing at your ears?
Okay, here we go.
This is by Every Nickname Is Taken.
And he says, take away Dan's drugs.
Two stars.
It's like the Riddler has released laughing gas, and Dan is laughing himself to death.
He's laughing at every word from Ethan's mouth.
You've ruined the podcast.
I like Riddler's plot to kill everyone with laughter.
It does sound like over there because he said at the end, you've ruined the podcast.
now it will ruin you and then we got this other one from and for the record Dan did not laugh at that yeah Yeah.
He's just nodding stoically.
Yeah, Dan's very stoic.
That's what this guy doesn't get.
Okay, so Lipson, something like that.
Oh, we need to get his other.
This guy's nice to sent one to Audio Mullet also.
So me and Kyle do a different podcast called Audio Mullet with Doug Tenapel.
Which does not, the Babylon Bee does not endorse it.
Does not endorse at all.
We don't endorse ourselves in it.
We sit there and go, why, Doug?
Why are you saying this?
Exactly.
So the title of this one is Stung and then One Star.
So I think they stung us.
Stung, dude.
A bunch of sweaty mayonnaise jars whining about how no one likes them.
Do we have a hypothesis?
And we ever said, like, oh, no one likes us.
I guess that's what hate mail is.
That's what hate mail is.
But are we whining?
But we're laughing.
Enjoying it.
We're being self-deprecating.
And then this person, same person, same screen name, went over to the Audio Mullet podcast and made a slight alteration.
Sweaty old jars of mayonnaise using the Bible.
Oh, no.
The headline is sour mayonnaise.
Not stung, because there's no Babylon B joke.
Sweaty old jars of mayonnaise using the Bible to make excuses for the deep-rooted bigotry who are mayonnaise.
So I guess we're a white.
I guess that's why we're mayonnaise.
Like if he criticizes different people of different races, does he come up with a jar of stuff that looks like their skin color or something?
I don't get his style.
Sweaty old jars.
I guess sweaty jar of mayonnaise means it's been sitting out.
It's not been in the fridge.
It's sweaty.
Just picturing like being at a barbecue or something.
They're like, hey, you want some mayonnaise?
We've got this.
I'm sitting on the picking table in the sun.
I'm just like, and you're just like, oh.
Not good.
All right.
I can't stop picturing like three guys on a podcast, two, like just giant tubs of mayonnaise.
But I actually do, I like, because I like creative reviews.
So I want to give Lipson, the person that gave these reviews, three to four star review of their reviews, because I like the creativity of sweaty jars of mayonnaise rather than these are ignorant white men.
Yeah.
No, I like sweaty.
I'll take that man.
Sweaty old jar of mayonnaise.
Descriptive.
All right, everybody.
Thanks for joining us on the Babylon Bee podcast.
We're going to go into our subscriber portion now.
We're actually going to go over to our brand new subscriber lounge set.
Yeah, the lounge.
But you're not welcome unless you give us money.
We got video.
We got more hate mail.
A little more talk.
This hate mail is insane, too.
Yeah, we have the most insane, the most flower-bedded hate.
The most curse words ever said to us in one paragraph.
So get ready for that.
And we read subscriber headlines and we tell cool stories.
Let's go hang out in the lounge, Ethan.
Do it.
See the rest of you punks later.
You guys.
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
If you're not a Babylon Bee subscriber, go to BabylonB.com slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
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Please drop us a review on iTunes and share the podcast with a friend.
Feedback and love mail go to podcast at babylonbee.com.
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Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.