The Left Makes Enemies List/Pandemic Is Over/The Sacred Texts News Show 11.13.2020
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 11/13/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's biggest stories like the pandemic being officially over now that Biden is President-elect, Biden's secret list of cabinet picks getting leaked by The Babylon Bee, and the party against fascism, the Democrats, are creating a giant list of enemies because that always ends well. Also, The Bee's big 'covfefe' table book The Sacred Texts of The Babylon Bee Volume 1 is finally hitting the streets and we have weird news and glorious hate mail! Be sure to check out The Babylon Bee YouTube Channel for more podcasts, podcast shorts, animation, and more. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans Introduction Kyle and Ethan talk about why Kyle looked like a hobo last week, vacuum haircut devices as seen on Wayne's World, the brand new The Sacred Texts Of The Babylon Bee Volume 1 available now and whether or not to accept the election results. Stuff That's Good Kyle likes Dungeons & Dragons Basic Rules Starter Set Tomb of Annihilation Tomb of the Serpent Kings Ethan likes Bear in the Back Seat by Kim Delozier and Carolyn Jourdan. Weird News "Bigot" has been given a new dictionary definition (NTB) Oxford English Dictionary's definition of 'bigot' now reads: "A person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic toward a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group." It no longer reads: "A person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions." Woman arrested for pretending to be FBI agent and demanding free Chick-fil-A. She even talked into her shirt like she was calling backup. (NTB) Authorities said Ragsdale kept up the ruse even as she was being arrested Thursday, at one point pretending to talk into a radio supposedly hidden under her shirt and urging the FBI to send someone to her aid, according to The Polk County Standard Journal, citing police. She also claimed her credentials were electronic-only when officers asked to see identification. Can FBI agents demand chick-fil-a? Russian scientists discover huge walrus haulout in Arctic circle What the heck is a haulout - is it pronounced "haloot!" which is another word for Walrus dance party There were 3,000 walruses found in Russia The animals are believed to be going further and further south as scientists believe their habitats are warming and melting due to climate change Is John Bolton among them? How is he doing? "Hey, Siri … How old is the president?" Her answer might shock (and infuriate) you (NTB) For some period of time, Siri would tell you how old Kamala Harris is… not Donald Trump or even presumptive President-elect Joe Biden Kyle tried it and it worked 100 Year Old Disc Golf Player Breaks Guinness Record With Long Throw At age 90 set a World Record when he lobbed a disc at a distance of 189 feet At age 100 threw a disc 189 feet for the over 100 age bracket Shinn said he is proud of his world record, but he feels like he can beat it again Indian man builds 9-foot-long marker pen for Guinness\\\\\\\ record This one is just to piss Kyle off. Parrot returns to British Owner speaking Spanish - four years after disappearing Nigel, a grey African Parrot, flew away from his home in California in 2010, but was returned to his British owner, Darren Chick, after he was discovered in Torrance, California. The bird's British accent is gone, replace by fluent Spanish and someone called "Larry" King of West African Tribe returns to gardening job in Canada Eric Manu became royalty when his 67 year old uncle, Dat, passed away last year He moved back to British Columbia, he has returned to landscaping and gardening in the town in a bid to raise cash for his 6,000 strong tribe Manu hopes to improve healthcare with all the money he raises Stories of the Week Story 1 Pandemic Officially Over Summary: After almost a year of suffering under a devastating killer pandemic, America was relieved to learn that the pandemic is officially over after they saw huge crowds of people smashed together celebrating Biden's apparent electoral win. You still can't go to church or go to a funeral, but hey! People were celebrating in the streets in mass crowds when major news like the AP and others declared Joe Biden the President-elect on Saturday 11/7. Scientists predict if Trump manages to flip the results COVID will return with a vengeance Story 2We at The Babylon Bee have acquired a top-secret list of Biden's cabinet picks. Here they are. Story 3 The political party vocally opposed to fascism, the Democrats, have begun creating lists of undesirables AOC's tweet The Trump Accountability Project "Remember what they did," the group's sparse website declares. "We should not allow the following groups of people to profit from their experience: Those who elected him. Those who staffed his government. Those who funded him." Topic of the Week The Sacred Texts of The Babylon Bee Retrospective on the life of The Bee Pull our favorite articles from the book Read through some of the new infographics Hate Mail This guy really hates Jonah Goldberg. Subscriber Portion Behind the Scenes Update Mailbag From 13yo Kaitlyn and Jana asks about our podcast diet. Bonus Hate Mail Cancel your own subscription! Headline Forum - Subscriber Headlines of the Week Got Any Cool Stories? / Calvin Update Email your cool stories for subscriber exclusive reading to podcast@babylonbee.com
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth.
With your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast.
I'm Kyle.
Kyle, you're sounding very chipper.
Boom.
You have like a booming voice.
I went into the depths of Kazadum and I fought the ballrog and I have returned because it was election week.
I thought you smelled soul free.
And I was down.
Remember, that was just the bean and cheese burrito you ate.
You know, it was funny last week is I had my hair was insane and I had like put the hoodie on and all this.
And I was like, oh yeah, you know, I did wake up kind of haggard, but I was like, oh, we'll just play it up for the podcast.
Like I was all tired from the election.
But then all the thumbnails showed me all the thumbnails.
No explanations.
Just no explanations.
It's like, hey, the Babylon Bee Podcast.
And there's just like this hobo representing the Babylon Bee.
Yeah, they thought we were just having the CEO of Twitter on.
See by the beard.
I need to grow out the beard a little more, get the cardboard sign, and then I would look like Jack Dorsey.
I'm Ethan, by the way.
Did you ever say that?
I said, I'm Kyle, and then you started making fun of me.
Yeah, instantly.
That's what happened.
Well, you got a nice haircut.
Looks like you're after your first day of school.
My wife cut my hair because she's a haircutter.
She does that.
That's what she does.
But she said she was missing some, I don't know, something that blends.
I think that's the right word.
So it didn't blend exactly right.
So it's a very sheer.
Every time she sees me, she looks up at my hair.
She's like, oh, I got to blend that.
So I don't know what blending is, but I have a Vitamix.
Would that work?
What?
A light.
It's a kind of blender.
Oh.
Oh, blender.
It's a really nice blender.
It's like 300 bucks.
I don't think that works for hair.
Okay.
As much.
Not so much.
Probably in the 90s.
But that was a look.
Anyway.
Do you remember the Phlobes or you vacuum your hair up into the thing and it would cut?
Oh, that's real?
I remember that was on Wayne's World.
Yeah, it was real.
It sucks as it cuts.
Yeah.
Certainly does suck.
Certainly does.
And today's a very special day because this week we received the sacred texts of the Babylon Bee.
Yes, the book that we've been, well, I mean, mostly me, but like working really hard on a lot for a long time.
I mean, it's, I compiled lots of hard work that you had done, and then I had to redo a lot of it because you didn't do it at the right resolution.
You didn't have to read it.
There's a lot of writing that I didn't have to read.
You didn't have to read my writing.
That's true.
My Photoshops, just to be clear.
But also to be clear, the Photoshop is usually much more time consuming than the writing.
Not for me.
Not the way I do Photoshop.
I've heard you type.
Tommy Gunn.
But you compare it to my Photoshop work.
My Photoshops only take like that.
So I don't know what takes you so long.
I don't know.
I'm an amateur.
Yeah, it's glorious.
I've never been part of such a beautiful book.
The cover is this glorious leatherbound.
I mean, we'll get into it later.
For our topic of the week, we're going to kind of talk about the walk down memory lane.
We'll read some of our classic B articles out of this bad boy.
Maybe show you some of the Photoshops and stuff.
But we wanted it to look, you know, like it could sit right next to all your deep theological collections, your commentaries, your Bibles, and make them and put them all to shame.
It does look nicer than any Bible I currently own.
Yeah.
Because my Bibles are all either like the message.
No, they're just like messed up or they're just like plain paperback or something.
Yeah, just plain looking Bibles.
So I don't have anything that looks this nice.
Yeah.
So, all right.
Well, here it is six checks of the Babylon B. You can go to shop.babylonb.com and get one.
Yeah, and the deluxe editions, they could be gone by the time this airs.
They're going fast, and we only made 500 of them.
We made 500.
We've sold about half of them, and we just announced the come with an amazing slip case, all this other stuff signed by me and Kyle.
We'll throw up a thing.
Yeah, we'll throw a thing up.
Yeah, go to shop.babylonbabylonboo.com and get one of these.
And then we've also got the deluxe.
So hopefully they're still available by the time ultimate Christmas gift for the Babylon Bee lover.
For the discerning consumer.
Well, crazy week.
Here we are.
Here we are.
In the world of Limbo.
Well, if you don't accept, do you accept the election, Kyle?
I reject the election results.
Fraud.
And now there's going to be demonetized.
There's a fact check under our video now.
It's there.
It just popped up.
We need to say all the keywords to make it demonetized.
Whatever are the fraud.
Dead people voted.
Illegitimate.
Mail-in ballots.
Civil War veterans.
Voting.
Regenerate.
Not Regeneron.
What was the company that made the bad voting machine?
Dominance or Dominion.
Dominion.
Diminatrix.
No, that's not.
What am I calling?
Dominion voting.
Dominion voting.
Deep state.
Coup, military coup.
Frogs are gay.
Frog.
Yeah.
So just general.
Now that we have no chance of making money on this, we can press on.
Proceed.
So this is a podcast where we talk about Babylon B articles and kind of cover the news.
Sort of.
Sort of.
You're just hanging out with Babylon B guys.
So let's dive right in.
Let's do it.
Dig right in, but you could dive or dig, I guess.
Whichever metaphor you prefer, we're either diving or digging.
Here we go.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
Why don't you go first?
Because I'm going to go on for a while.
Oh, man.
Okay, I'll go and then I'll go to the bathroom.
Yeah.
Okay, so I found this book called Bear in the Back Seat.
I can't remember where I found it, but it's, I actually would recommend the audiobook.
This is a book written by a ranger who worked in Smoky Mountains in Tennessee.
So he interacted with bears constantly.
He also tells other stories, but a lot of bear stories.
But they had this guy with this really awesome Appalachian accent do the audiobook.
So we're so like, I can't do it.
But it's also very family friendly and funny.
There's a lot of funny stories in it.
They're all true stories.
And it has been the favorite road trip book that our family listens to for the whole family.
The kids love it.
And I think there's another volume.
I think there's two volumes now.
But yeah, I highly recommend the audiobook.
It's a great family listen.
So a bunch of bears in the wilderness anecdotes.
They're anecdotes.
A ranger who has worked with they all the issues with bears have run into like the bear in the back seat story.
It's a story where he has a tranquilized bear and they have to put it into a helicopter and get it to care before it wakes up.
So it's like late, they couldn't get it anywhere else.
It's just in the back seat and they know that at some point it's going to wake up and things are going to get crazy.
The beginning of some family-friendly comedy movie.
Yeah.
There's always stories.
There's stories about him with all the wild hogs out there and stuff, and a lot of you know, just a lot of funny little anecdotal stories.
Sounds fantastic.
Good stuff.
Check it out.
So, I'm going to talk about Dungeons and Dragons today.
And I can't remember if I ever officially talked about Dungeons and Dragons and the stuff that's good.
Well, we know.
But you guys know.
That'd be like if I was like, stuff is good.
GK Chesterton.
Yeah.
Like, we know that we're doing it.
Right.
Yeah.
So, but I wanted to recommend a couple of specific products.
All right.
So, first off, if you've never played Dungeons and Dragons, you can go online and you can get the basic rule set for free.
It's just a PDF.
And you can actually play Dungeons and Dragons just for free.
And you can roll dice online.
And if you have paper and pencil or just use your computer, it's good.
So you can even go on DD Beyond and you can just create your character on the screen and it'll like track everything for you.
You roll your dice right on there.
So you don't really need any supplies, which I like because a lot of like, if you're into any nerd culture stuff like board games, video games, you got to spend a lot of money.
So this is nice as something you can play with your family.
That's just download the rules.
If you do want to spend a little bit of money, there's the starter set, which is like 12 bucks or 15 bucks on Amazon.
And it comes with dice, pre-made characters, and it comes with a little adventure that's actually a really good introductory set.
So you can check that out.
And then I wanted to recommend two more products here.
I thought DD was just your imagination.
Everybody says that.
Sounds expensive to use your imagination.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
It's not because you can just play it for free.
I just said that, but you were sleeping.
I missed that.
I also wanted to talk about two more things, even though Ethan is making me feel terrible.
I'm just trying to keep it, you know, this is for my own.
Tomb of Annihilation is a hardcover book.
And if you've played, if you've gotten through the starter set and you want to play something that's a little more hardcore, Tomb of Annihilation is a lot of fun.
And because I feel bad that I'm just recommending like the stuff that's good thing, I'm like, hey, check out this product from Hasbro, a giant corporation, one of the biggest companies in the world.
Hasbro is DD.
Yeah, they own Wizards of the Coast.
I wanted to talk about a little, there's a little module you can get called Tomb of the Serpent Kings, and we'll have a link there.
It's on drive-thru RPG.
And that's like an independent designer just built this fun little dungeon.
And you can play with basically any RPG system.
Tomb of the Serpent Kings is a lot of fun.
It's brutal.
Your characters will probably die in it, which is my favorite kind of DD, is killing all the characters.
Also, we're going to work on getting a DD one shot going.
We're going to force Ethan to play.
Okay.
And not fall asleep.
Only if I can have a cigar while I'm doing it.
Yeah, absolutely.
All right.
All right, let's go on to some weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Oh, man.
This news is weird.
I was just looking at it.
How about this headline?
Bigot has been given a new dictionary definition.
This is from Not the Bee.
So the Oxford English Dictionary's definition of bigot used to read a person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions.
All right, that makes sense.
Yeah.
Here's the longer new one.
Updated.
Fixed.
So the old bigot is, hey, I don't like your opinions.
Get out of here.
You're human garbage.
Okay, that's an old bigot.
Okay.
The new bigot is a person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic towards a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group.
I don't even understand that.
What's the point of that just made it more confusing?
Yeah.
I don't get what they're, what are they doing?
I mean, what's the angle here?
Like, they're making it so that you can define more people as bigots because I still don't.
Yeah, or specific, more specificer people?
More specifically.
So, see, the beginning of that definition has nothing to do with being a bigot.
A person who's unreasonably attached to a belief or opinion.
Like, I really like, I don't know, what's a belief?
Does it mean there's certain people it's okay to be bigoted towards because they're.
I don't know.
I'm trying to.
But what, what the weird thing is, is they redefined it to be like, if you're just really passionate about something, that's being the bigot.
And then it says, well, especially if you hate other people because of it.
So if you're unreasonably attached to a belief opinion or faction.
Like, that's a zealot.
That's not a bigot.
So I don't even understand why they redefine it.
It's just more confusing now.
Well, let's just be happy that we're making progress in the right direction, Kyle.
Sorry.
Don't be negative.
Am I sounding like a bigot?
How dare you question?
A woman arrested for pretending to be FBI agent and demanding free Chick-fil-A.
She even talked into her shirt like she was calling backup.
I'm at the Chick-fil-A here, and they're not giving me the free chicken nuggets here.
Over.
I like that.
So why?
I like that.
Does anybody else want more Chick-fil-A sauce?
Well, she'd need to make it sound like they're talking her, right?
So she'd be like, come in, Commander.
Sometimes she does do the other voice, though.
She's going to throw the voice here.
Because the person here will be the person on the walk talking.
Was that the whole reason she dressed as an FBI agent was to get free Chick-fil-A?
That's pretty creative of all the reasons you could.
She also urged the FBI to send someone to her aid.
They're not giving me the nuggets.
Send backups.
Send backups.
She also then claimed her credentials were electronic only when they asked to see some ID.
Can we see some battery?
Why did they even get to the point where they're asking for ID?
Like, why aren't they just like, we don't give FBI agents free Chick-fil-A?
Maybe they do.
Maybe she knew something we don't know about.
That's what I want to know.
That's a good reason to become an FBI agent, if that's real.
I like her plan.
Her plan had a fatal flaw.
She should have pretended to be like someone they would give free Chick-fil-A to.
Like I'm from corporate, you know, show up in the Chick-fil-A thing.
I'm from corporate.
Well, FBI is pretty authoritative.
These chicken strips have been compromised.
I need to confiscate those.
But I feel like some restaurants will be like, oh, we'll comp the meal for this officer or this firefighter.
But FBI doesn't feel like it has that level of.
Well, if she walks in and she's like, hey, oh man, I love chicken strips.
I only got a dollar.
But I'm in the FBI and I literally just stopped a tear bomb from going off in the middle of Manhattan.
So I don't know.
So it's the perfect plan is what you say.
I mean, a thousand people could have been dead, but I don't have the dollar.
Russia.
Russia.
Russian scientists discover huge walrus hallut haulout in Arctic Circle.
What is a hallout?
Is it pronounced hallut, which I believe is another word for a walrus dance party?
You see that giant halloot going on down there in Antarctica?
Walrus is raving on ecstasy.
Come on down.
Come on down to the bar next Friday.
We're going to have a real holy.
We're having a real hallut down there.
There are 3,000 walruses found there.
It says in Russia.
Like in that in this.
Does that mean in the entire, because Russia's huge, so I'm not surprised by there being 3,000 walruses in all of Russia.
So it's a hallut, like a unit of measurement?
I think it's just haul out, but I never heard that term, a haulout of walruses.
Oh, I thought you said, I thought you wrote on here, it's pronounced hallut.
You were just guessing.
I was wondering, is it I've never seen the word haulout because it's all one word, hallut.
Halut.
Haulout?
We went to SeaWorld over the weekend and we saw the walruses.
You saw a halut?
We saw a real hallut.
It was probably a small percentage of a hallut, but we still know what hallut is.
Yeah.
I guess if I had read the signs, maybe we can define it.
We're just redefining words or making them up anyway.
But me and my wife have been saying throughout the week since we went to SeaWorld, we need to be more like the walruses.
Be like the walruses.
Google Kachube.
Because everybody's all stressed out over the election and stuff.
And we went there and they were just like lying on their backs.
They like swim backwards through the water just like and they just stare at you as they go by the window and they're like, so well, a walrus is basically like a like a quadruple amputee GK Chesterton.
They just have no arms or legs, giant mustache, and they just kind of lay there because they can't move much.
So now I need to see this Photoshop.
You don't want to see it.
I don't want the GK walrus.
John Bolton, John Bolton joke?
Yeah, was he part of that Halut out there?
Or even?
I don't know.
I think they're in a rave.
What is the significance of this story?
I don't know.
There's not usually walruses in this area, and suddenly there are.
They're believed to be going further and further south as scientists believe their habitats are warming and melting due to climate change.
Oh, they're running away from the melting.
I'm looking at the picture and it's like a giant pile, like a pyramid of walruses.
Maybe it helps look at the picture.
Maybe that's why it's interesting.
They're making a walrus pyramid.
We're going to rename this mildly interesting news.
Okay.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Hey, Siri.
Oh.
I knew that was going to happen.
How old is the president?
Well, let's see what she says now.
Donald Trump is 70.
Oh, yours got it right.
They changed it.
So for a while there, you would say, how old is the president?
And she would say, Kamala Harris is 48 years old or whatever.
Yeah, that's so crazy.
Was that a glitch?
I videotate myself doing it and put it on my Twitter.
It's funny.
It's just like, because my wife got an iPad.
I'm like, hey, let me see that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My wife's like, oh, that's freaky.
But takeover, it's here.
That's weird.
Is yours a 2021 model?
What?
Your iPad?
Did you get like the newest?
You know, and they release a new model and it's the next year, even though it's not that year yet.
I don't know.
I don't know.
They annualize.
You know how they do that with cars?
All new 2021.
Yeah.
So then you wonder, would it know who's going to be president if you could ask it since it's the 2020?
For the next one?
Oh, maybe, I guess, yeah.
I'm just trying to figure it out.
I'm just trying to figure out the science.
Well, basically, I think there was some search algorithm, whatever they use to do this kind of thing, because there's like AI that's all behind it.
Someone went and found the code that, like, oh, it's misinterpreting the word president as blah, blah, blah.
Someone broke it down and deconstructed it.
It seems like if you're this AI, I mean, how like there's a lot of levels.
There's a lot of missteps there.
Yeah, a lot.
She's not the current one.
She's not the president.
She's going to be the vice president.
But not if we have anything to say about it.
That's right.
Because, yeah, scary.
100-year-old disc golf player breaks Guinness World Record with a long throw.
So what I like about this one is it combines a thing you love with a thing you hate, Kyle.
I'm very conflicted here.
You love disc golf, but you hate Guinness World Records.
He was 90 when he set a world record and lobbed a disc 189 feet.
Is that a lot?
No.
But at age 100, he threw a disc 189 feet for the over 100 age bracket.
Is that a lot for a hundred-year-old guy?
What course is that?
I recognize that course.
His name is Shin.
He said he's proud of his world record, Kyle.
But he feels like he can beat it again.
Where is that?
Yeah, this is so serious.
This is Kit Carson, Dan.
That's like Kit Carson.
It's at the Escondido course.
So he's around here.
We could have interviewed him.
Yeah, we could have brought him in.
That guy could do better.
Okay, so this is the Guinness World Record for the over 100 age bracket.
So they say, if you're over 100, you're in this.
That's pretty impressive, Ryan.
We're going to go play this golf right after this.
Just to make up for that one, because I knew that you wouldn't be too upset.
Indian Man builds nine-foot-long marker pen for Guinness record.
A nine-foot marker.
Horrible.
He is in the picture, though.
Oh, I thought this was like when you take all the dry erase markers and you click them together.
He made like a giant.
It's like a giant Sir Mark Salot.
He just built a giant marker.
Yeah, it's massive.
Like, look at his.
Look how happy he is.
He's like, he did it.
You mean mom and dad?
When we were on a family trip to the East Coast, my dad made us drive through a blizzard.
He drove us through this blizzard, and he's like reaching his hand out the window to wipe the thing so we could see the world's largest globe in Maine.
Globe?
Yeah.
And we arrived and it's like, there it is.
There's the globe.
And then we drove back through the blizzard, back to wherever we were staying.
Yeah, I like the giant ball of twine.
Yeah, that kind of stuff.
This is like the, you know, you can redact, you know, an entire document with like one.
Yeah.
Easily with this.
I guess that's the point.
I don't know what the point is.
It's for the FBI.
It's if God wants to sign things.
All right.
Well, now that I'm thoroughly angry, let's go to the next one.
Parrot returns to British owner speaking Spanish four years after disappearing.
The dangling modifier there.
Parrot returns to, yeah.
It sounds like the owner is speaking Spanish.
So the parrot didn't speak Spanish, flew away.
Flew away, learned Spanish.
Came back four years later.
It's like, hola.
Hola.
Hola, senor.
He's got like a suitcase that's got the Mexico sticker on it.
It's got the sumbread.
Hola, senor.
So Nigel flew away from his home in California, but was returned to his British owner after he was discovered in Torrance, California.
This is a lot of twists and turns here.
Wait, so he did he ever go to Mexico or did he just learn maybe he got taken in by a family?
I don't know.
The bird's British accent was gone, replaced by fluent Spanish and someone called Larry.
The bird talked about a guy named Larry a lot.
Yeah.
Me gusta Larry.
Just like.
Yo quiro Larry.
There's some guy that just runs this like parrot brainwashing facility in Mexico.
Got another one.
The bilingual parrot project.
Donate now.
This qualifies as weirdness.
That is a qualifying.
I guess that'd be yeah.
Usually it's like they learned a bunch of cuss words or something.
That's funny.
King of West African tribe returns to gardening job in Canada.
King of West Africa tribe returns to gardening job in Canada.
That's different than Return of the King on Lord of the Rings.
It's a different angle.
Is it a big deal when you're a king in Africa?
I don't know how that works because it seems like you meet guys that are like, yeah, I'm a king in Africa or something.
You're like, so again, this sounds like you work at Chick-fil-A or I don't know.
Yeah, this sounds like some kind of family-friendly Disney comedy.
And like, he gets this phone call, like, hey, your uncle passed away.
You're the king.
Yeah.
But then he's like, oh, sorry, you're not the king now.
We got a gardening job lined up for you.
He's still the king, but this is just a tribe of like 6,000.
That's how he lost his job.
It didn't come with like fame and fortune or anything.
Right.
Because it's like, because one of us could be king of this if he wanted to.
It's just like, okay, so you're the king.
So he headed back and he's landscaping and gardening in order to raise money for his tribe.
This is a true humble servant.
Yeah, he's a good guy.
Gone back to the.
It's funnier to imagine the cartoon version and just a headline.
I just imagined a king.
He's out there like, you know, weeding the garden.
They're like, you know, I was a king back in Africa.
I used to have this guy with tennis.
Tennis racket, but he just trimmed the bushes, man.
This guy named Crazy Burt would come into the gas station when I worked Graveyard Shift, and he always carried a tennis racket.
I think I told you guys about him.
He claimed to be the rightful king of Hawaii.
He had this whole story about how he was the rightful king of Hawaii.
Maybe he was.
He had like some crazy mind stuff going on.
He believed that Alex Dubrek and may he rest in peace.
Yeah.
Pat Sajak and Mike Tyson were his children.
Because the government stole his material you use to make children if you're a man and created them to be perfect human specimens.
It was wild.
He had great, it was an all-night entertainment when he'd come in.
This king hopes to improve health care with all the money he raises.
Okay.
It's like I have this plan.
And all the Rudabagas that he gardens.
I'd like to imagine he gets the tribe together and he has like a slideshow for them.
It's my five-step plan to improve health care.
Go to Canada.
Canada.
Most some lawns.
Trim a few hedges.
All right.
Let's do some stories of the week.
Every week there are stories.
These are some of them.
After almost a year of suffering under a devastating killer pandemic, America was relieved to learn that the pandemic is officially over after they saw huge crowds of people smash together celebrating Biden's apparent electoral win.
Finally.
Turn up opened up Twitter on Saturday morning.
So everybody like smashed together.
Doing the YMCA outside the White House.
Yeah.
Because I was supposed to own Trump because he did it at his things.
Oh, is that to own him?
On his rallies?
Yeah.
People just listen to it.
It's ironic.
It's like our ironically owned Trump constantly.
What are they going to do if he's really gone?
You're going to have a lot of listless people now.
Yeah, I guess a lot of people kind of drifting around, not sure what to do.
Nothing to do with my life now.
They don't even know what Twitter's for now.
It's like all the Republican radio hosts when Obama went out of office.
Yeah, well, I've built my whole personality around this.
What am I supposed to do now?
I don't know if we got some videos of those, but we got to watch the play those videos of these crowds dancing.
It's like, sorry that you couldn't go to your dad's funeral and everything.
Yeah.
Sorry, you couldn't visit your dying wife in the hospital.
But here we are.
We're dancing.
Now we're dancing around.
There's a weird cognitive dissonance, too, because I see people that are like defending it.
Like, well, they're wearing masks.
Most of the people are wearing masks.
Yeah, because that's the Biden campaign.
Symbol.
What was it that they were saying when the Black Lives Matter protests were going on?
Like, well, racial, it was like, what was the justification?
Like, racial injustice leads to bad health outcomes.
Therefore, I think Governor Kumo said this.
Therefore, maybe it was de Blasio.
Therefore, protesting actually helps fight the pandemic.
Like they had this whole twist of intersectional logic to make that okay.
Amazing, whatever.
But basically, it seems like we're going into the second wave of this pandemic.
Like, all these numbers are going way back up again because we're entering the winter months, and now you have the double up with the flu and all this.
And it's something about this pandemic.
Like, the flu has seasons, so they always count per season the amount of deaths and stuff.
But this just keeps getting tagged on.
Like, they just imagine we just did the death toll of the flu.
Yeah, like in all time from the beginning of the day.
All the strains.
This is how many people have killed, been killed by the flu.
Now we have that for one billion deaths.
And CNN has a counter on their site.
Yeah, it just keeps going.
It's going on.
You're just constantly afraid.
But basically, it seems like it doesn't matter.
People are mandating, you know, cities and governments and states are mandating masks or lockdowns.
And it's like, it doesn't matter.
All the things are still going up because that's never really going to work, I don't think.
Well, great.
So thanks, Biden, for ending the pandemic.
We appreciate it.
He was quoted as saying, America can finally get back to work and I can get to sniffing.
Who approved this?
I didn't approve this.
And then he walked off stage following his nose.
Man.
So, yeah, I guess if this, if Biden's coup to take over the country works and we aren't able to fight back and get the rightful president Trump in, I'm curious what will happen.
Is he going to go in and be like, lockdowns, masks?
Because that was his promise, right?
That was the promise.
Mandatory masks the moment you leave your house, even if you're like out in the middle of nowhere.
Right.
Which he actually doesn't have the authority to do.
And so I don't even know how you would enforce it.
Like, do you create a new police force of federal government?
Dare you question the authority of the president?
I don't question the authority of the president now.
But on January 21st, then it's reflected.
Then it's a revolt.
So we become the resistance.
Then we'll become the resistance.
Finally, we have to flip our sticker around.
Ethan will have the purple hair.
Yeah, basically that girl that's going like she's screaming with the purple hair and the glasses.
I should dress as her for Halloween.
Dude, we should totally go to Washington, D.C. on the inauguration and still film ourselves again.
No!
But if Trump pulls it through, gets all these lawsuits and proves that he actually is the rightful president, then COVID's back.
I think COVID will be scientists have said.
Yeah.
But see, this is what I'm wondering.
Because Biden's going to push it like masks, lockdown.
I'm a strong leader.
But at the same time, the media is not going to report it as intensely.
So I don't know which way.
Well, it'll be like, yeah, it'll be short, right?
Like a month of like masks and blah, blah, blah.
All this stuff Trump didn't do.
And then it'll be like, wow, we cured it in a month.
Yeah.
And those stop talking.
Done.
Did you see Trump's claim that they delayed the release, the announcement of that vaccine until after the election?
I guess this company announced the vaccine.
And then there was in a report that they called the Biden campaign and said, we've got the vaccine.
And it didn't notify Trump or the White House.
What?
I don't know how true that is.
I'm saying I saw it on Twitter.
So be careful.
It must be true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry, our book just filled out.
It stands really good if you don't hit it with your hands.
It's a very sturdy book.
That was one of the design parameters.
We said we have to make it standard.
It must be freestanding.
Ethan sent all his bunch of money on book stands.
That was money requirements and bullet points.
Stands really good.
Yeah.
And the printer preferably that it could walk of its own volition, but that was expensive.
This is why the book took so long.
Yeah.
Because they were trying to make it stand.
We'll get to that.
Story two: We at the Babylon B have acquired a top secret list of Biden's cabinet picks.
Ben Gay, where there's where the original, where there's a talcum powder.
I'm looking at the wrong cabinet here, I think.
It's not Biden's second.
I didn't approve that one either.
Should we get a little drum set in here?
Matt, get on it.
Snare and hi-hat.
Anyway, not a snare and hi-hat.
Snare and simple.
Right?
Do you need a bass drum for it?
No, it's not bloom.
No, I know, but I said they do the snare, they'll hit the bass at the same time.
He's nodding.
Patrick's nodding at me.
He knows a lot of weird things.
I think you can just go snare, snare, hi-hat.
Yeah.
Let's Google it.
Okay, no, actually, let's read.
You can't afford a bass drum.
They're a lot of money.
Read through the cabinet pics here.
Cabinet pics.
So the cabinet is people that he hires.
Okay, so he has selected people understand political science.
So the cabinet is people he hires.
And here's what they are.
They're in like a cabinet.
It's like it's big enough to hold people, though.
It's like it's kind of like a pantry.
Are you okay?
You're like sweating or something.
I'm just fat and greasy.
Okay, he has selected Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as the Secretary of Math.
Okay.
Because she's dumb.
Is that a real thing?
Jeb Bush, Secretary of Energy.
No, that's not a real.
Oh, yeah.
Because he's low energy.
Jeb!
That picture of him like that is the best picture over the whole electoral mouth.
He looks like he's singing and he's got the whole world in his hands or something.
Was that the moment his campaign ended?
Is when he said, please clap.
Please clap.
That was rough.
I feel like that was.
He's a Babylon B fan.
Oh, yeah, that's true.
He's said stuff.
We don't know if he listens to the podcast, though.
Probably not.
You never know.
I feel like that on this podcast sometimes tell a joke and it's like listening.
Please clap.
Please clap.
That's why we've got Patrick.
Yeah.
Because he laughs.
Hunter Biden has been chosen as the Secretary of the Treasury.
So not data forensics.
No, laptop smashing.
Pete Buddha.
Secretary of gay stuff.
I didn't approve that one.
You're going to get.
We are definitely demonetized, if not deleted.
I didn't say.
I was just reading.
He didn't write this joke.
Who's Nicole Hanna-Jones?
The 1619 project.
Oh, 1619 project.
Okay.
She's been selected as Secretary of Education.
Okay.
That's good.
Ibram X. Kendi, Secretary of Resegregation.
Rachel Maddow has been selected as the Secretary of Defense.
CNN President Jeff Sucker, Secretary of Ending the Pandemic.
Keith Olbermann is the Secretary of Mental Health.
What was I going to say?
What was he saying on Twitter the other day?
Like, that guy was going insane.
Chinese president Xi Jinping.
Xi, U.S. Trade Representative.
He just said like he's listening to a sermon.
Like it sounds delicious.
Yes.
He just ate a chicken.
So true.
Jane Fonda is the Secretary of Veterans Affairs.
That works.
Okay.
Petro Poroshenko, Secretary of Not Sure Yet, but we'll get him in somewhere.
Don Lemon is the Director of National Intelligence.
I'm sure he already believes that in his heart.
Any female of color will do Secretary of Diversity.
Bernie Sanders.
That's true.
That's a joke.
Yeah, that's a joke.
Bernie Sanders is Secretary of Labor.
Carol Baskin from Tiger King, Secretary of Health and Human Services.
Oh, geez.
I'm screwed.
Elizabeth Warren is the director of the Bureau of Indian Affairs.
Gavin Newsom is the Secretary of Hair Gel.
Just kidding, it says Secretary of Transportation.
Are you punching up the jokes live on live on the podcast?
He should be the Secretary of Electricity, is what he should be.
No more electricity.
It has been banned.
The Secretary to End Electricity.
Trump is the Secretary of Nicknaming Stuff.
He is good at that.
He's great at it.
I like that idea, like across the partisan divide.
Yeah.
Trump, we have a place for you.
I can offer you my services.
He's giving Joe Biden nicknames for his enemies.
He's just got his own writing room now.
He's like, I got this whiteboards everywhere.
This Republican's going to run against me in 2024.
Trump, what do you got?
I got you back.
He's got some names crossed off, circled on the whiteboard.
This guy's name is Sleepy Eyes Sullivan.
Bob Brown, Secretary of White House Handicap Accessibility.
I don't get that joke.
I don't get it.
I don't know who that is.
I don't know who these people are.
Who wrote this?
Joel.
Okay.
Or the writers.
Dale Smith.
We should get clip notes.
Dale Smith is the secretary of White House maintenance and telling the president whatever those flyover state people are up to.
Okay.
Please clap.
I don't know who Dale Smith is.
Please clap.
I don't know who these last people are.
Amber Carter, RN.
Is that a registered nurse or Republican something?
Secretary of reminding Biden what his name is.
Oh, it's a joke because he's an RN.
She's just the nurse.
Okay, take a minute.
And finally, Chef Gordon Ramsey is the secretary of crushing up meds into Biden's applesauce.
You know, I feel like when we're reading these lists, it's like late-night show hosts.
Like David Lutterman is not really into it, and he's just reading.
He's reading the list, yeah.
We need a saxophone like a band to go like after we do all this.
You know, we need to get our money back on these books.
They don't stand up correctly.
All right.
We should have a little fold-out flap that stands.
Yeah, we'll do that next book.
Next.
Yeah, that was Kramer's copy table book.
It's like a coffee table.
I wish we had thought of calling it a cafife table book.
A cafe table.
Cafe.
Caffife.
Cafe table book.
Okay.
Next story.
Next story.
The political party vocally opposed to fascism, Democrats, have begun creating lists of undesirables.
No, that's not satire.
Yeah, we didn't write the joke version, huh?
That's just the that's just true.
Should we fix that?
That's fine.
No, that is the joke.
That was the joke we wrote.
That is the joke.
Oh, that's so close to the truth.
Yeah.
It was just the ironic way we worded it.
Right.
I like that it says the political party vocally opposed to fascism, Democrats.
Just in case you just case you were.
I typed that summary and I was like, I need to write Democrats in here.
I don't know.
I have a bad temptation to explain everything.
So Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said this.
Is anyone archiving these Trump sycophants for when they tried to downplay or deny their complicity in the future?
I foresee decent probability of many deleted tweets, writings, and photos in the future.
And then, so there's a group called the Trump Accountability Project.
Yeah, they like, yeah, we'll do it.
You can go to trumpaccountability.net and it says, remember what they did.
We must never forget those who furthered the Trump agenda.
And so they began compiling these lists of Trump supporters.
The funny thing is they have the kids in the cages big picture.
That's funny.
It came from like the Obama.
Oh, that's so bad.
There was this guy at Adam Rahuba.
This is interesting because I saw this one and it freaked me out.
It says in the coming weeks, I'll be launching a new website.
Users will be able to see every neighbor who financially donated to Republicans on a map.
We will then be encouraging users to aggressively but non-violently confront these people.
No safety for fascist enablers.
Now, I looked it up, and this guy is a troll.
But he actually is on the left.
But he actually is like an Antifa guy.
Loves Antifa.
So it'd be like, it's weird.
He kind of believes that.
But he says he's just trying to freak out people on the street.
It's like a weird Andy Coffee.
It's a weird.
So, yeah, but then the funny thing, what I find funny about it is like he posted that as satire, like, or not even just to try to troll people on the right.
But that's actually what they're doing.
And then AOC is like, oh, yeah, it's a great idea.
Like, he's like, this is too outlandish.
This is just to trick people.
Then AOC is on board.
Everybody's favorite conservative, Jennifer Rubin, wrote on Twitter, any Republican.
What's she going to do now?
I know she'd almost have a job.
Heard Max Boot need to go start up like a coffee shop or something.
They're all in a room.
They're in a writer's room now trying to come up with a new article.
Any Republican now promoting rejection of an election or calling to not follow the will of the voters or making allegations of fraud should never serve in office, join a corporate board, find a faculty position, or be accepted into polite society.
We have a list.
We have a list.
That always ends well.
Societies that make lists of people.
Yeah.
That always goes well.
Right.
Yeah, it's good.
Lists are good.
Lists are good.
Top 10 lists.
We should not allow the following groups of people to profit from their experience.
Those who elected him, those who staffed his government, those who funded him.
Isn't that like half of America?
Yeah.
Those who elected him.
Everything is like on the site.
It says like, oh, of course we shouldn't get after people for who they voted for in small letters.
Like they added it later or something.
Oh.
Well, that's not what I meant.
It says, we should welcome in our fellow Americans with whom we differ politically.
But, and then a bunch of words.
And then it says all that.
Yeah.
The funny thing is that the Babylon Bee predicted this August 7th, 2019.
Democrats proposed creation of National Trump Voter Registry.
Do not approach.
Do not.
Yeah.
Did you do the funny?
Yeah, you did the funny thing.
Yeah, Trump voter, do not approach.
Has different ideas and is very dangerous.
Well, sad.
Sad.
Remember, people who start making lists usually end up on a list themselves.
We need a list of people who want to make lists.
And it'll just keep going forever.
Yeah.
We're going to need a list of the list makers who are making the list.
Lists.
Yeah.
Just lists.
Everybody's on the list.
We're on the lists.
Okay, we're going to go to our topic of the week where we're going to talk about the sacred texts of the Babylon Bee.
And now, the Babylon Bee's topic of the week.
My local guitar repair store is calling me because my son, his guitars are there to be repaired because he drops them all the time.
Is he doing like a swing around the neck thing?
No, but he will learn how to do that eventually.
I'm sure.
There's a lot of accidents that can happen.
Yeah.
I'm always amazed at the bands that pull that off live in front of a big crowd and they're doing that.
I would do that thing where I just bring my bass way up over here and then like on like the when you get to that part, you know, everybody rocks out.
Except for one time, my guitar player happened to just get right in the line of fire.
And I fully like slammed him in the face with the end of my bass, and he was bleeding.
But the show had to go on because we were playing in like a little bar for like 10 people.
Keep going.
Having the dream.
Thank you for your service.
All right.
Well, guys, I'm a firm believer that we Christians need to set up Ebenezers in our lives.
You know what an Ebenezer is?
It's a duck with a top hat.
No, no, no.
That's Ebenezer Scrooge.
So in, was it 1 Samuel?
They set up this monument.
Here I raised my Ebenezer.
That's what it is.
Well, it's not raising.
You build it.
I've always imagined it being like a rod or something.
That's not what it is.
No, it's not raising.
That's what I always picture, too.
It's like holding up the duck.
I got this big dispute with my friend because we did that song.
What's that song that's in?
Here I raise my Ebenezer.
Come the fountain.
That's a good song.
And he swore it's pronounced Ebenezer.
And I kept saying Ebenezer.
He's like, no, Ebenezer is the Scrooge, but duck.
Ebenezer is.
He just made up this explanation for it.
I hate when people play that and leave out the Ebenezer.
Oh, they take it out.
There's the version that says, it's not here.
I raise an Ebenezer.
It's like, now the Lord has come to help me.
People don't know what the Ebenezer is.
They're embarrassed.
Anyway, it's just looking back and remembering how good God has been to us.
Yes.
So that's kind of what we wanted to do here.
And with these sacred texts.
Things you make aren't legitimately real until they're printed on paper.
So none of our articles have actually been legit or real.
Yeah, everything we've made has been fake.
Except our article.
It's real now.
Everything in here is now real.
So I was excited about this because when I came out of the Babylon B, I was like, the book we need to make is the book that is the B, like, because you guys have made that first book, which is a fun book.
But people want headlines and they want artwork of the pictures.
They want to flip through and just find a funny joke on every page.
And this delivers that glorious full color.
I've often said that your bear book is the best bathroom book.
And I don't mean that in an insulting way.
I mean in a very good way.
Yeah, because you can flip to any page and just be entertained.
It helps you.
And I feel like that's here, too.
Like I would be very happy if this helps you help you properly.
You talk about mentally.
Because you laugh hard.
Hard laughing pushes stuff.
So this is fun.
We have a new introduction.
Frank, I think, wrote all the chapter introductions or most of them.
And they're very funny.
Yeah, there's a ton of stuff in here.
It's great.
So yeah, if you think you're just getting the website printed out, you're wrong.
There's a lot of fully, I mean, yeah, like we said many times, I've fully did a lot of the Photoshops.
I had to, you know, really kind of made them big and fun to look at.
Did a lot of little side side note things and extra little things, you know, like in the Chick-fil-A prayer of abundance is here.
If you need to read there, the Chick-fil-A prayer.
Actually, I wrote that.
I wrote a special prayer.
Yeah, I was amazed at all the little jokes that Ethan stuffed in here.
Every photo has a caption under it, so that's an extra joke added on.
You're in a safe space here, hanging out with your friends at the Babylon Bee.
Kick back in your recliner.
Pour yourself a non-alcoholic beverage.
Order a delicious Chick-fil-A sandwich.
Unless we're still mad at them.
It's complicated.
Whip out your favorite brand of candy cigar and go on a journey with us through the very best reporting the Babylon Bee has to offer.
After all, God wants you to be happy.
Fun introductions and stuff like that.
I want to find some of Frank's hilarious chapter intros because they're great.
And there's only like four, three or four identifies jokes in here.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
That's pretty good for a conservative side to only do four.
That's only like 1% of the jokes.
So here's the chapter intro.
I'll just read some of it for the chapter on worldviews.
Narrow is the way, said Jesus, outlining the main problem with the Christian worldview.
You can maybe criticize Satan for a lot of things, but not narrow-mindedness.
If there's one thing Satan gives you, it's lots of options and ways to look at the world.
We tend to judge worldviews other than our own, but maybe we shouldn't.
If another worldview leads to people being happy, isn't it just as good?
And maybe it doesn't lead to people being happy, as evidenced by how all the modern worldviews lead to lots of hate-filled screaming.
But if other worldviews lead to a sense of smug superiority, aren't they just as good?
Who's to say one worldview is better than another?
Online mobs, that's who.
If you don't accept the right ones, you're going to get canceled.
And I'll tell you what's not the right one, ye old Christian way of looking at things.
That one will get you cast out to the outer darkness where you'll no longer be able to weep and gnash your teeth with the woke.
Maybe consider some other worldviews.
Jesus is the way, but there's lots of other lowercase ways that lead, well, somewhere.
Maybe somewhere fun, but at least somewhere more popular.
I like the little fake quotes you put on here.
Everyone has a view of the world until they get punched in the face.
Mark Driscoll.
That's basically a Mike Tyson quote reattributed to Mark Driscoll.
I never said that.
I think Mike Tyson says everyone has a plan or something like that.
Then they get punched in the face.
Hobby Lobby introduces new line of Calvinist home decor.
I love these signs.
We got to make these.
Yeah, I got to make those.
I have the files somewhere.
I want the one that says, you contribute nothing to your salvation except the sin that made it necessary.
Put that in like cursive on some like weathered piece of wood.
Repurposed.
It would be fun to slip that in among my wife's other ones that she has where she has like the, it is well with my soul.
And I just put like the Calvinist one next to it.
Some of these I just improved the original.
Like in this one, you know, the wife was just cleaning the driveway, but I added the husband back there.
Yeah, which makes striking blow against toxic masculinity.
Man graciously allows wife to shovel driveway.
So he's sledding.
Exactly.
Something about toboggins or funny name.
I haven't read some of these.
I know I like proofread them and double-checked them, but I don't remember them.
What are theological liberalism's main teachings?
It can be summed up in the acronym Mushy.
M, make sure not to believe anything that might be embarrassing.
You, under no circumstances should you defy culture.
S. Stay soft and pliable at all times.
H, herald your moral superiority for everyone to see.
Why?
Why believe the Bible, though?
Elsa for why.
Got it.
Why?
It's in shorthand.
Fantastic.
Yeah, so much good stuff.
So many nice stuff.
Here's one of our identifies jokes.
Oh, here we go.
Motorcyclist who identifies as bicyclists.
Set cycling world record.
Hey, you shouldn't have put them so close together.
What?
Oh, I put him wrestling.
Grizzly bear shatters all pro wrestling records after identifying.
I think we had one more in here.
Identifies thing.
Attack helicopter jokes.
Yeah.
I mean, I worked so hard on this.
It's like.
This is a beautiful chart of the.
Yeah, all these cool big charts where we kind of re- I love the possible modifications.
I added some new ones on down there.
Look at that.
Oh, this is funny.
All the possible attachments for your AR-15.
Bible attachment, MAGA hat launcher, Ben Shapiro soundboard.
You match firing your AFC.
I don't care about it.
All right, folks.
Don't care about your feelings.
All right, folks, listen up.
Okay, gang.
Okay, gay.
Bike horn.
You always warn people before you're going to start shooting them.
You always revert back to Looney Tunes here.
And then Chick-fil-A sauce, dispenser, the squeeze bottle.
There's a whole section on the Christian cinematic universe with all those Photoshops I like put all that work into.
It's nice to be able to print them all nice and big and pretty.
So there's our realistic gritty Larry boy.
You got the full.
It's nice to have that because we spent so long on that.
Yeah, all these took so much time.
And we knew each one of these articles was not going to do very well.
And the big spread of the CMU.
And that one did fine, but it wasn't even a huge thing.
It's become a very useful piece of art.
Christian joke, but I mean, look at that.
That is beautiful.
We have a section on Snopes.
And it was fun that we got to have Kevin Sorbo here and interview him while we had the Photoshop on the wall of self, him as salty and the sambo.
I'm remembering some of these, man.
We got a guide to Snopes new fact check ratings because they invented a fact check rating for us.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
So we have like a section that shows some other fact-check ratings that they would do.
I don't know if you can even see that.
Oh, that's a fun part.
We have like the Snopes Hall of Fame, a bunch of the ones that got fact-checked.
These are actual ones that got fact-checked.
We should have set up a special camera for showing the book.
So there's like better than true.
This has been rated better than true.
This has been rated your true.
Half-true.
Make it true.
True eventually.
Yeah, that one would be useful.
Morally true.
New truth.
It's like, you know, hot off the presses.
Fashionably true.
Truth bomb.
Inconveniently true.
False.
Hot garbage.
That means they don't like that one.
Shut it down now.
Just science.
This ain't it, chief.
It's a popular one.
Sponsored true.
So it's true because it's been paid for to be true.
Sponsored true.
And then there's put a pin in it.
It'll be true once we're ready.
I'm picturing this now.
Like they fact-check some Biden statement or something.
And it's like, this fact-check was sponsored by the Biden.
You have to get the book to see the cool little logos with each one.
I'm looking for the first B article I ever wrote.
I deleted it.
I know what's in here.
We have the entire all 66 books of the Bible, too long didn't read version.
So you don't even need a Bible now.
You got this.
That was a fun article to write.
Does it still have the thing where I kind of phoned it?
That was when I met you, like one of the first things you said.
We met at the cigar shop.
And you're like, I'm working on this too long didn't read Bible thing.
You want to contribute to the doc?
And you're like, you linked me to it, and I never contributed to it at all.
Does it still have where I phoned in the minor profits?
The minor prophets?
Or did you add jokes for those?
I just said like minor, I just copied.
I was too busy.
Oh, it's like, I think, because I'm on the minor prophets.
I'm like, this is just a minor profit.
You can skip right away.
Feel free to skip.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Feel free to skip.
I don't know what to put for, like for O.
I was trying to find pictures to put in there.
I wrote that article, that article, that article.
Okay, okay.
That was yours?
Yeah, that was my early one.
Feggy Tales, Michael Bay.
That was mine.
That was mine.
My mom, this is my mom's idea.
Christmas play prominently features essential oils and product placement too.
Hershey's replaces kisses with more pure side hugs.
That's mine.
That was mine.
I read a lot of that early content.
Good work.
Where's I'm trying to find the first article I ever wrote?
The fog machine one.
Can you use the handy index that I made?
Oh, yeah.
You created this index and it's like every word that's used in the entire book.
Well, I just, I thought it'd be funny.
And it's funny.
Let's see.
Oh, here it is.
This is Fog Machine.
Look for Fog Machine.
Is it page 58?
I don't think I can't read.
Yeah.
It's in there.
Fog Machine 58.
It's very tight.
Yeah, I'm awesome.
Holy Spirit unable to move through congregation as fog machine breaks.
Patrick liked it.
Patrick really liked it.
We've all heard it like 60 times.
It's fun to look through the index and just find a word and be like, what?
I love this article.
Home Bible Study Leader asks if anyone else has any blatant heresy they'd like to share.
That's a really interesting, thoughtful take on this passage, Heather.
Does anyone else in the group have any totally incorrect thoughts they'd like to share?
Fun fact, the original photo for that was of Adam Ford.
But he wasn't high-res enough for the book, though.
Yeah.
I improved some of you guys' photoshops like you guys had your precious moments figures, the conquest of Cain, and I added severed heads and more blood.
Oh, yeah.
That original Photoshop, I had to find.
I had to find the picture like on eBay because that was the only place I could find that figure of like, it's like David with a sword or something.
And that was challenging.
And then this lady got really mad about that article.
She sent me this long email about how her dad came up with that joke decades ago and we stole it from her dad.
And then I think she actually found those.
That's probably half our jokes.
Yeah, it's like, it's just, we're kind of popularizing Christian joke.
Dad joke ether.
But she found some old like angel fire page where he had posted a similar joke, like linked me to it.
Like, why are you stealing my dad's joke?
That's where we troll for ideas.
This angel fire.
This guy was an angel fire dad web pages.
Majority of Americans now say it is okay to punch a grammar Nazi.
Sure, I'll read the Chick-fil-A prayer of abundance.
Okay.
The abundance of God is an infinite source.
All waffle-fries, lemonade, and chicken strips.
Rain from heaven.
The river of life never stops flowing, neither do the fountain drinks.
Let us dwell in the midst of abundant chicken sandwiches, spicy, original, and deluxe.
God works in a myriad of ways, even adding bacon.
I now open my mouth to receive thy chicken.
Nothing is as good as the chicken of your table.
By thy power, transform the filthy rags of worldly fast food.
May Chick-fil-A sauce manifest itself at this blessed table.
Amen.
I think I actually took like a Mormon prayer and changed the words.
Changed the words around on that one.
This is an LDS prayer.
Sorry, don't say Mormon.
This is a fun Easter egg, but our acknowledgments have all these.
We have to thank our friends and family and blah, blah, blah.
That's what we should be doing: Easter eggs.
And then it goes, and Joe Lostein.
And then it's like in the next paragraph.
Oh, yeah, and Jesus.
I kind of cribbed that from Five Iron Frenzy.
Yeah, I guess we had this thing about the Museum of the Bible displaying the original golden tablets containing the Jesus freak lyrics.
Yeah.
And so I, in the little caption, the Museum of the Bible will be the new home of the golden tablets, along with other great artifacts of Christendom, like God's football from his big, big house with lots and lots of rooms, Rhea Stroper's blue comb, Carmen's used eye cucumber slices and face cream, and T-Bone's demon executing electric chair.
With a little bonus, I'm kind of worried about some of the jokes that got snuck into the captions because you're not sure you're going to find one.
You're like, because you did them all, and then I was like, okay, I've got to go through and prove freedom and make sure they're okay.
And whenever I have to filter Ethan, it ends up being interesting.
That was when I had to redo the Elevation Church water slide baptismal, which my favorite.
I don't know if we can get that picture of this guy up here.
I love this guy.
He's like, woohoo!
Sliding for Jesus.
That was one of our early ones that got snoped.
And Adam, if you look really close at the Photoshop, it's really bad.
Yeah.
But it worked really well.
That's the color that you glance at.
He just basically took like an orange, swirly water slide on the stage from Google Images or something and copy-pasted it onto a video capture of Steven Furtick preaching.
It worked so well.
So here's a biblical guide to children.
Number one, don't make them mad.
Number two, they make cool hats for old people.
There's scriptural references and all that.
Yeah, well, I mean, everyone knows that one.
Ephesians 6:4.
Number two, they make cool hats for old people because it says grandchildren are the crown of the aged.
That's right.
They aren't very smart.
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child.
Take their iPad away and it'll go super smoothly.
What's it proper 29?
Discipline your son, he will give you rest.
Just give me rest, son.
And then don't let them be on American Idol.
Little children, keep yourselves from idols.
I don't think I meant children.
I'm just getting towards the end on that section.
Those are the last ones I did.
Is it weird that we're just going through our book?
I like it.
Pope announces any time spent watching the view counts as time in purgatory.
And you put your caption above the latest Pope.
Sometimes I don't know what to write.
I committed to phone that one in.
I committed to putting a caption on everything.
But it makes me laugh because the Ocasio-Cortez severely burned after accidentally touching book on basic anomics.
She's holding her hands on fire and it says, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stares at her flaming hand in surprise.
It reads like we outsourced the captions to India or something.
Well, we want to, do we want to anything else?
You want to just read the whole thing cover to cover?
Yeah, let's do it.
Because it's like if you watch a video of Gordon Ramsey eating something he cooked just slowly and passionately.
You'll probably get millions of views on you.
Man, I'm awesome at cooking.
And we get, you know, we get this.
We get to do this.
We've earned this.
We get to bask in this.
We've earned this.
So.
It's the long silences that really make it fun.
Anyway, guys, this is a lot of fun.
Maybe we'll read a little more in the subscriber portion or something, but this is the sacred text of the Babylon B.
This is it.
And we want to thank you guys.
Volume one.
It's only the beginning.
Thank you guys for being fans, listening, watching, everything, being subscribers.
You guys made this happen, and we're very proud of this.
So if you're looking for a looking for a gift for your friends, liberal friends, liberal family members, send them this bad boy.
Your uncle Jimbo, who's got the MAGA hat at the Family Thanksgiving.
And it is freestanding.
We need to make it one of the bullet points on this.
As long as nobody makes any sudden moves.
All right, let's do some hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Oh, yeah.
So we had a lot of hate mail to pick from after having Jonah Goldberg on.
The only reason we had Jonah Goldberg on is because we were running low on hate mail.
And so we said.
Like, I knew of people that didn't like him, but I was realized, like, wow, we really don't like Jonah Goldberg.
The thing is, like, I'm not a never Trumper.
I don't really agree with him on everything, but he's a good follow on Twitter.
He seems like it might have been.
I thought it was a fun conversation.
I don't get that.
I don't understand the whole absolute hatred for him.
But a lot of people hate him with a passion.
I think it's because he's, yeah.
If you're really into Trump, then you really hate people that don't, aren't really into Trump or something.
I don't know.
Maybe it's people that really hate Trump.
We get some of that.
Maybe they really hate Bassett Hounds.
Like they just hate dogs or something.
Yeah, because he loves dogs.
Maybe they're all cats.
All right, here we go.
This is from someone named Bo.
Bo.
And Bo says, you had a POS named Jonah Goldberg on.
He is no better than Creepy Joe or Commie Harris.
They're never Trumpers too.
That's a good point.
I mean, really, I guess.
They are, technically.
Technically.
Just an elitist scumbucket.
Crickets.
I don't know.
This is weird.
They're what?
So are crickets.
That's a good point.
This cuff is a never Trumper.
And it's a Trump.
And the Trump's picture was on there until it's scraped off.
It's kind of fitting.
They are Never Trumpers 2.
Just an elitist scumbucket who failed William F. Buckley's minimum test.
I didn't know he did tests.
Vote for the most conservative candidate.
If it weren't for Victor Davis Hansen, the National Review would have gone broke.
Like Crystal's Never Trump Stain was thinking of joining your site, but you have to be better than sucking that.
If I wanted to hear him, I'd put on Juan Williams' greatest hits.
What?
I want to like Photoshop an album cover of Juan Williams' greatest hits.
The punctuation is very strange here.
He kind of goes full on like at the end.
He loses the periods.
This is all one sentence.
The National Review would have gone broke.
Like Crystal's Never Trump Stain was thinking of joining your site, but you have to be better than sucking that.
If I wanted to hear him, I would put on Juan Williams' greatest hits.
He goes like really Cormac McCarthy there.
It just goes nuts.
Fantastic.
Well, if you like hate mail, we do more hate mail in the subscriber portion.
Yeah.
And I think it's a good one today.
Juan Williams, great.
Yeah, it's a funny one today.
So anyway, we're going to do that in the subscriber portion.
We're also going to do a behind-the-scenes update.
We're going to answer mail in the mailbag and read some subscriber submitted headlines and also tell cool stories and find out what Ethan's son has been up to.
The latest Calvin update.
The adventures of Ethan's three-year-old.
So here we go.
Thank you guys so much for listening.
Subscribe, follow.
Wait, we got to the sacred text of the Babylon B. Subscribe.
Comment.
Share.
That was my potato impression.
That's kind of like Yoda.
You're here.
Subscribe.
There you go.
You do a really good potato impression.
Thank you.
All right, let's go to subscriber portion.
See you later, freeloaders.
You don't have to be a freeloader.
Subscribe or you can buy this and we'll consider you almost as good as a subscriber.
Almost the rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
If you're not a Babylon BEE subscriber, go to Babylonbee.com.
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Feedback and love mail go to podcast at babylonbee.com.
Follow Ethan at AxeCop and Kyle at the underscore Kyle underscore man on Twitter.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.
Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to go forth and punch Satan repeatedly in the ribs.
And it is freestanding.
We need to make it one of the bullet points on those.