Jetpacks Over LAX/Karate Moves In Church/Rejected Bee Headlines News Show 9.4.2020
This is The Babylon Bee News Show for the week of 9/4/2020. This episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast is brought to you by Faithful Counseling.Go to faithfulcounseling.com/babylonbee and get 10% off your first month! In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan talk about the week's big stories like a mysterious man with a jetpack spooking airline pilots approaching LAX, people are being karate chopped in the throat at church now, and wild bears are becoming regular customers at a convenience store. Kyle and Ethan also talk about rejected Babylon Bee headlines that for one reason or another didn't make the cut. Also, Kyle and Ethan got turned into a cartoon and President Trump retweeted The Babylon Bee. Introduction Bee Fan Zander sent us an awesome animation of Kyle's origin story, where Kyle discovered he had super satirical powers, and we moved to a new office! Stuff That's Good Kyle: HOPE Coffee Ethan: The Monster Engine Weird News Not The Bee has hit the ground running and will definitely be our go-to place for harvesting weird real news from now on . A lady got throat-chopped by another lady in a Catholic church service and I have so many questions (NTB) This weird looking sheep just sold for half a million (NTB) 3-year-old gets tangled in kite, literally goes flying 100 feet into the air 2 airline pilots report seeing "a guy in a jetpack" flying next to them above LAX Bears make repeated visits to California convenience store Two large pythons crash through man's kitchen ceiling Stories of the Week Large Turnout At Memorial For Hans Gruber Who Was Thrown From A Building By A Police Officer Summary: A huge crowd turned out Sunday for the memorial service of a victim of extreme police violence, Hans Gruber. Gruber was thrown from the top floor of Nakatomi Plaza by New York police officer John McClane, which many consider one of the most excessive uses of force ever witnessed. McClane was not even in his jurisdiction at the time of the crime. Biden: 'If You Thought The Republican Convention Was Good, Just Wait 'Til We Have Our Convention!' Summary: Joe Biden conceded today that the Republican Convention was "alright," "pretty inspiring, to be honest," and "a real gas." But also said the Democratic Convention is going to be "even better" in a conversation with a department store mannequin. It was unclear how Biden got into the department store, as it's been out of business since 2013. Aides located him after they put out a Silver Alert and coaxed him into a windowless van by writing "FREE HAIR" on the side. They were then able to transport him safely back to the basement for storage until the election. Trump retweeted us 14 Mostly Accurate CNN Headlines From The Last 6,000 Years Of Human History Summary: CNN has been there from the beginning, always running toward the important stories and absolutely never covering them up. We went through CNN's archives and dug up these 14 headlines they published while covering some of the most significant events of human history. They are truly a bastion of truth and honesty in journalism. Topic of the Week Babylon Bee Headlines We Never Published Hate Mail We encounter another Susan out in the wild. Subscriber Portion Kyle and Ethan lead subscribers on a tour our new office, talk about their plans for growth and where things have come, They also read some more of Ethan's and Kyle's very first headlines from the early days. To watch or listen to the full podcast, become a subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans.
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon B. Fake news you can trust.
I'm feeling nostalgic.
I was sitting at my desk at my construction job in 2016, and I got this, and I saw this Facebook post, and it was Adam saying, we're launching a Christian satire site.
You know, submit your ideas here.
And I was like, it was like the cracking the knuckles, pulling the shades down, putting in the headphones, and just I don't even know where it came from.
Yeah.
I never wanted to write that.
It was all inside you.
Have you ever written a satirical article before that day?
No.
Hey, Ethan.
I'm a cartoon.
Oh.
I feel so weird right now.
You were a cartoon a second ago.
And all of a sudden.
Now you're real.
And then now we're in a weird new place.
The walls changed colors and our pictures are all gone.
The pictures are gone.
Very sad.
The lighting's different.
Why is that?
Our chairs are blue.
What happened?
I don't know if people can see the chairs.
I don't know.
They look like they belong in a lawyer's office waiting room or something.
Or perhaps this company.
You're going to dox us.
Yeah.
Fleep that.
Generic office building.
There's in an unknown location.
We have moved our offices finally at long last, faithful viewer and listener.
Yeah, thanks to all our subscribers.
Yeah, goodness gracious.
People spend the money and people that look at ads incessantly.
And people that mash that subscribe button.
Yeah.
Comment.
And comment and stuff.
Don't forget to comment.
Don't forget to comment.
Do that this early in the video.
We got to make it like it first.
Yeah, I guess.
So yeah, I don't know if you can see.
We are showing.
Can we make one of these cameras like just look around, Dan, and see what is all around us?
How's it work?
How does this technology work?
Well, we were thinking about doing a walkthrough with a phone.
What's going on off screen here?
Look at that.
Did you see that?
Yeah, look at that.
That's our friend.
There's Matt.
Hi, Matt.
Matt, you're on the Babylon Depod.
That whole area is going to end up being the exclusive subscriber lounge at some point here once we get our couch and our cool stuff set up.
Is that me?
Oh, there's Dan.
But we were previously in like maybe a 350 square foot place, 400 square feet, something like that.
We just interviewed Kevin Sorbo.
I don't think it's gone up yet.
But we basically had to butter the door to get him inside.
And we said, you know what?
And just squeeze past me.
We had to be all buttered up, smushing past each other.
We decided it was time.
So here we are.
But we've actually been working on this for a while and it finally happened.
We had a year lease.
We were stuck there for you.
We were stuck.
And yeah.
Never commit to anything.
That's what happens.
That was the lesson that we should have learned from that.
Good job.
Ethan.
So Xander, the guy that animated that opening.
Yeah.
That was cool.
And that was that story is from a subscriber portion.
Yeah, I was telling the story.
Pirated subscriber audio.
Darn you, Xander.
He asked permission.
I'm just kidding.
But yeah, I want to see him do that with full shows.
I mean, I was like, man, I tell stories all the time and you do one of Kyle's?
That's because mine was easy to tell because it's a guy sitting at a desk.
Your stories would be difficult to animate and inappropriate to animate sometimes.
He can be stylistic, like Quentin Tarantino.
Or something that you're kind of artsy.
There's a lot of blurry.
I want to see a cartoon of one of my stories.
Yeah.
Ethan Storytime.
I did write the song for Ethan Storytime with a little animation you did.
It was nice.
I can't wait to get Ethan to tell some stories to use that intro again.
I'm running out.
Tell a good story.
All right.
Well, this is the Babylon B show, and what we do is cover the news and talk about things.
Yeah.
Which is a very unique thing to do for our podcast.
The main goal is to laugh at the news, though.
That's true.
If you're trying to get news, you shouldn't go thus.
That's true.
This is us watching.
This is like Mystery Science Theater, except we're watching the news, going, ah, that's stupid.
And we're not as funny as that.
Yeah, we're not nearly as professional.
And they have whole script writers, and we just make it up on the spot.
We should make excuses for ourselves.
It's like mystery news theater, but not 3,000 more.
I'm like, let's move on.
More like 1,000.
I'm going to just put us down there.
All right.
So, all right, let's go on.
But now, this week's edition of Stuff That's Good.
Oh, yeah.
What's your stuff that's good this week, Kyle?
Anything good?
Well, I'm drinking right here a nice cup of Starbucks coffee.
But I'm not going to talk about Starbucks.
Okay.
I'm going to talk about the coffee I use at home.
Aren't you tired of drinking godless coffee?
Coffee that displeases our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
That's true.
This tastes like Satan.
And I don't like that.
Like Satan.
Like demonic, demon-possessed coffee beans.
Boiled down to his essence.
It's not good.
I'll tell you that.
But no, no, no.
My sister, full disclosure, my sister works for Hope Coffee Coffee.
She's Satan?
Oh.
No, no, no.
She works for Hope Coffee, which is a coffee distributor that they go and they buy beans directly from farmers.
So they have a direct relationship with these farmers.
They buy the beans and then they just bring them to us.
So it's kind of like Fair Trade coffee, but it's more, I guess they make more money than they make even more money than in Fair Trade.
They actually pay a lot more.
The farmers do, you're saying?
The farmers make a lot.
Hope Coffee makes a ton of stuff.
My sister jumps in these piles of money.
Can they get the monkey poop coffee?
The one that's like that rare.
Like the monkey eats it.
The rare panther.
It's like the panther one, isn't there?
Like a rare panther coffee.
I guess there's a bunch now.
There's all kinds of poop panthevs.
But it's like $100 for a pound.
Make sure she gets into that.
It's big money.
I'll let them know.
Okay.
The monkey poop.
I've always wanted to try it.
Apparently, the process of it, because they swallow it, it comes out and it's still whole.
And you just grind up some monkey poop coffee and apparently it's way better.
It's worth $100.
Continue.
Goodness gracious.
So anyway, it's quite good coffee.
It helps out farmers.
And then they build relationships with the local areas and minister through the churches there, help build shelters.
People just care it tastes good, though.
They build shelter.
They bring clean water to the people.
Yes.
So it's a cool little ministry.
It's good.
Yeah.
My sister's been involved with for years.
And I like it a lot.
Starbucks, they're handing out bike locks to Antifa.
Yeah.
So anyway, I quite like the coffee.
Okay.
I'll have to try it.
I quite like it.
Where's mine?
I'll get them to send us some bags.
Okay.
And then we'll have to disclose that we received some bags.
Disclose.
But we haven't.
So we haven't actually.
Have you drank it before?
Yeah, I have.
Okay.
But I'm saying we haven't received bags here.
So this is not paid for.
This is not paid.
In any way.
Stuff that's good is free advertising.
It's free advertising.
It's not really worth just telling about.
It's stuff I like.
Stuff we like.
Anyway, it's called HopeCoffee, HopeCoffee.com.
Go ahead.
So mine is a thing called the Monster Engine.
I guess it's just a website, but uh, it's literally just an artist named Dave DeVries or DeVries.
I'm not sure his name.
I don't even know that he's done anything for a while, but uh, it's a fun thing.
If you haven't seen it, it's good to look at.
He takes children's art, they draw a monster, and then he's a professional artist and he renders it out like epically, makes this awesome piece of art out of it.
So, he has this whole collection.
You see the kids' art, and you see his updated version of it, and uh, just really fun to look at.
So, if you've never seen it, check it out.
Does he chew up the drawings and poop them out like a monkey?
Monkeys, no, that's coffee.
I know, I was trying to interrupt you like you interrupted me.
I was just trying to make it more interesting.
So, my stuff that's good wasn't interesting enough for you, you know.
Just spice it up.
That drawing guy sounds interesting, but it'd be cooler if they chewed it up and pooped it out.
Yeah, sure.
That's always better or more interesting, anyway.
Interesting doesn't always mean good.
Cool, cool.
That sounds good.
Weird news.
This has been stuff that's good.
This news is weird.
Hey, who's this guy sitting across from me wearing glasses?
Hi, my name's Keith.
And Nichols.
Well, we're going to talk about weird news, which is news that actually happened, but it's weird.
And we wanted to mention that we launched this site.
Not really, we.
Well, not us personally.
But our cohorts.
Our cohorts, Adam Ford, Dan Dylan, Seth Dylan, launched a site called Higher Ups.
Not the Bee.
Not the Bee.
Which is like the Babylon B, but not.
Or as they pronounce it in Germany, Nazi Bee.
You shouldn't say it that way, though.
That was a stupid joke.
Not ZB.
Yeah, we're going to have a branding problem in Germany.
That's for sure.
But yeah, so Not the Bee is like, as far as I could tell, it's this fun new site where it's real news that you can't believe it.
It's not really the B.
It's, but it seems so ridiculous it should be.
It's gotten goofy.
There's going to be more stuff going on.
There's kind of a social network element where you can post to the site and then stuff can get voted up.
You can follow particular bloggers or writers that you're like on the site.
So it's, you know, they just launched it.
It's going to definitely get built out a lot more, but it's already pretty fully featured and functional.
Yeah.
Throw off for sure.
Adam Ford is awesome at commentary on things.
I was reading his story on that video where all the antifa people are trying to push a giant push the truck back.
But so yeah, I think there's elements of things about the Babylon Bee that we always lament that it really isn't good for.
Like, for instance, interaction.
We don't have a big community there because I think you'd invite a lot of trolls.
So we don't have a lot of big.
You can comment if you're a subscriber, but bloggers, personalities, you hardly even, unless you go to the about page now, which is fairly recent, you don't really know who's behind it.
So Not the Bee is kind of cool because it's a little more for everything the Babylon Bee's not that you kind of wish it was.
But it wouldn't work.
So we do it over there.
It's kind of best of both worlds.
The Babylon Bee is this very narrow thing.
Not the Bee is everything the Babylon Bee isn't.
So we don't sell bicycles.
Not the Bee sells bicycles.
Not that Bee can do anything because it's not the B.
We don't have a for sale section.
Right.
They do.
We don't do human trafficking.
Not the Bee does.
Potentially.
I mean, I'm saying this is not going well.
Not the Bee's basically going to be that.
Remember that website that we had the guy's mom, and then he went to prison for like his entire life.
It's going to turn into the Silk Road.
So Dan at some point is going to be Silk Road hanging out with Silk Road guy in prison.
And then we'll have Dan's mom on.
If you really miss buying drugs on the Silk Road, get them not the beef.
At some point, Seth's listening to this right now.
Are we going to read weird news?
Seth's listening to this driving his Tesla.
What?
His Tesla just had to put it into automatic because he's going to crash.
Here's some weird news.
All right.
Notthebe.com, by the way.
Yeah.
This is from Not the Bee.
A lady got throat chopped by another lady in a Catholic church service.
Do I need to read the B headline?
That was their B headline.
And I have so many questions.
That's Adam Ford right there.
So if you watch the video, there's just a unassuming.
She looks like a, I don't know, chaperone at a school dance.
She's like a nice older white lady.
He's kind of standing there.
And then this like tall, I don't know if it doesn't matter, but she's a tall black lady walks up and just starts throat chopping her like three times and walks away.
Let's go to the video.
Do we have, can we play the video?
More work for Dan.
But it is confusing.
Like, why is she chopping this woman's throat?
Did they ever figure it out?
As far as I could see, that was a big question.
See, I'm thinking either she had a mosquito and she was helping her.
Or maybe she had a wafer lodged in an esophagus because it's at a Catholic church.
So maybe she was like, you couldn't tell in the video.
She's like, buddy Christ.
And they teach that in Catholic school.
How to dislodge.
Should the wafer become lodged in the throat?
My wife will smack me if there's a fly somewhere.
She does not care.
Oh, anywhere?
She will kill the fly.
She's taken the spray bottle.
She's taking a spray bottle that's like a cleaner with Windex or something.
Yeah.
And I'll be sitting there.
She's like, I got him.
One time I put blue food coloring and water in an old Windex bottle and I told the kids to go outside and pretend they're fighting and spray each other in the eyes with it in front of their mom.
It's great.
She freaked out.
Did you just, what are you doing?
It was exactly what I wanted.
Is that how she sounds?
Yeah.
I was thinking maybe they were trying to make it look like a riot because it's a church service.
So to make sure it's all legal, just do it.
Everybody could just throat chop each other once and now and then governor will look right past this.
So it's in the order of service.
It's like announcements.
Opening ham.
They just made it part of the sign of cross.
Father, son, Holy Spirit, throat chop.
Throat chop.
It's the last one.
Yeah.
Weird-looking sheep just sold for half a million dollars.
Also from Not the Bee.
This is great.
The animal named Double Diamond comes from a very respectable lineage in the sheep world.
WWF wrestler.
Sorry.
Go ahead.
He was bred via artificial insemination using a champion ram, valued at more than $86,000 and a U valued at more than $46,000.
Okay, so the math is $86,000 plus $46,000.
Anybody?
I'm not good at math.
$132,000.
Wow.
But how did that get to half a million?
Well, it's exponential.
It's not like.
Yeah, but okay, so because I assume you buy a half a million dollar sheep because you're like, this thing is going to have some lambs that are going to drop me like a couple million dollars.
Yeah.
Right.
What else?
Like a really nice pet?
Oh man, it's going to be a nice sweater I get out of this thing.
So yeah, it's like a collector's card.
It's from a very respectable lineage in the sheep world.
Like the what would the human equivalent be?
Like the like the Keanu Reeves of sheep.
I don't know.
Like I can't, the Rothschilds or something.
I don't know what the so you're thinking like the that it's like Jesus leaves the 99.
Yeah, Jesus leaves 99 for the one because that's a half a million dollar sheep.
He's like, taking off.
These 99 are worthless.
These guys are worth like five bucks.
I'm going to go.
That's double diamond.
Double diamond's running away.
It's double diamond.
You guys understand.
Three-year-old gets tangled in kite, goes flying 100 feet into the air.
Yeah, it's pretty hard-stopping video.
They're at this big kite thing in Japan or maybe Japan, maybe China.
I'm not sure.
I should have paid more attention.
Somewhere in the Orient.
I can't say that.
Taiwan.
Somewhere the child is being Taiwan.
Like the tail of this giant kite just catches the child and just flying up there.
Like, it looks like something out of Matilda.
Have you ever seen Matilda?
Where they're throwing children in the air and stuff, but then they just land fine and they're fine.
Yeah, it's like any of those movies where they're getting a catapult or something.
Yeah.
But it's funny.
Yeah.
That something that would kill a child is happening.
So this child, you watch it, it's flying up there.
So it's like tiny, like a little pee.
And then all of a sudden it just lands like crowd surfing.
It comes down.
Everybody just kind of catches it and it goes for a ride of its life.
But there's a lot of people filming with their phones.
So not going to help catch it.
It's pretty messed up.
Heroes.
Heroes.
But I think that what disturbs me is that the child didn't get a little more hurt because now they're not going to learn their lesson.
They just had a fun up front ride and they're going to go to another kite festival.
Their whole life.
They're going to wrap themselves up in kite tails and be like, all right, I'm not wrapped up in a kite, but go ahead and send them off.
So I think that if you're going to be careless, like this three-year-old was, you need to pay some kind of price.
So maybe they just need to go up and like break his leg.
Her leg?
Yeah.
This is your punishment.
Just so that they'll remember.
Yeah.
Two airplane pilots report seeing a guy in a jetpack flying next to them above LAX.
Two different ones.
Oh man.
They rocked tears.
These are the conversations that they had.
So flight 1997.
Tower, American 1997.
We just passed a guy in a jetpack.
America 1997.
Okay, thank you.
Were they off to your left or right side?
That's the first question.
Off the left side, maybe 300 yards or so, about our altitude.
We just saw him in this.
This is a SkyWest pilot.
Okay, this is a different guy.
We just saw the guy passing by us in the jetpack.
I don't know, he's a farmer.
Then the tower alerted an incoming JetBlue flight reported hazard.
JetBlue 23 used caution.
A person in a jetpack reported 300 yards south of LA final at about 3,000 feet.
10-mile final.
I don't know what that means.
JetBlue 23, we hurt, and we are definitely looking.
Another pilot.
Only in LA.
What does that mean?
Yeah.
Only in LA.
Like LAX isn't expected someone in a jetpack anywhere else, but LA.
Yeah, the pilots all have their conversations.
Like, got to be careful flying in Canada, landing at those airports because there's geese.
You got to be careful at LAX because, you know, the guys in the jetpacks that are flying.
And there's probably naked people in parachutes and hot air balloons full of who knows what women and billionaire guys eating cocaine sandwiches.
So who was it?
You think Rocketeer?
There's Tony Stark.
Could be Elon Musk.
Those all might be the same person.
Or because he didn't learn his lesson, it was the kite kid.
And he got a jetpack.
Or he's on another kite.
They didn't realize there's a kite there in the crack.
The kite's so far away.
They just see them.
It's all coming together.
Bears make repeated visits to California convenience store.
Didn't we read this one?
No, we had one last week where I just went into the store.
Now we have bears who keep going into one.
So they must have read that news story.
This is what happens when you don't respond with some force.
Yeah.
They should have paid a price they want.
If you watch the video, the bear walks in and then all of a sudden it stops in the doorway.
It's like, holy marshmallow.
You can bleep that.
Because you can see his eyes.
It's like, what have I walked into here?
Because there's pork rhines and Pringles and beef jerky and rock stars.
Can you imagine meeting a bear?
All you've had to eat is like bark, and then you walk into that.
Do bears eat bark?
I mean, that's like probably your go-to, like chips.
And then, you know, for like a meal, you got to get a salmon, which that's a lot of work.
They're not just stacked on shelves.
But look, just look at the bear's eyes.
Maybe if Sam could take a freeze frame, Sam, does call Dan Sam?
Dan could take a freeze frame and just zoom in on his face right here and just show some emotion.
He's just like.
Romantic music playing.
The employee, Paul Hay, hi.
Said the local bears repeatedly visit the store in recent weeks.
A video we recorded Saturday shows a bear lunging at him as he attempted to block path into the store.
It was kind of scary.
Yeah, I'm not going to lie.
He said, it's not in the job description.
No, not at all.
Fighting off bears was not in the job description.
That's how I imagine a guy who works at a convenience store in Sacramento.
He's smoking a cigarette in the back.
It wasn't in the job description.
Tell you that.
Yeah, so I don't know if bears know that shopping carts aren't sanitary, and that's why they keep it make trips.
So if we keep escalating at this rate, we had the one story with the chips.
Now they're going to the convenience stores.
What is next week's story going to be?
They're going to have a bear store.
They're going to have the big cart at Costco and just getting tons of stuff.
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to figure out, like, why are they making multiple trips?
Are they getting out there and they're like, who got the queso?
You forget the queso?
Ah!
Come back.
It was like a Wookiee.
There you go.
Two large pythons crash through man's kitchen ceiling.
Snakes.
Why do you have to be snakes?
On this.
There's a bunch of mother-freaking pythons on the mother freaking kitchen ceiling.
Snakes in a kitchen ceiling.
I like to think he was in the middle of doing that stupid joke that all men do at some point with their wife and they're like, hey, you know where the zoo is?
Because I need to cage these pythons.
And then right as he does that, they rip him into two pieces.
That's ironic.
And then the wife's like covered in blood and she's like, deserve that.
She doesn't even help him.
Yeah.
That's what you get.
The snake catcher said the male pythons were likely up in there fighting over a nearby female.
So they're like in the ceiling, having a big ol' fight.
And then they crash through the ceiling in their fight.
Like, does that happen to humans?
Only in movies, right?
That's like, I was thinking that's like Raphael fighting the Foot Clan in the first movie, but you probably didn't see that.
Ninja Turtles.
Yeah, no.
They like fall through the ceiling and then they get axes and start fighting and they axe through the floor.
They fall another level.
So these snakes, I wonder how many levels up they were at the beginning of their fight.
Maybe they were having an axe fight.
Who knows?
It's possible.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess the snakes that do that, you know, they have this crazy fight.
My brother just sent me a video because he was out mountain biking right in the middle of the road.
Two rattlesnakes standing up just fighting.
Yeah.
Wow.
Wild.
As you can hear, we are next to a loud road.
Maybe.
We have not gotten our sound installations.
We have not.
If you can hear that.
So if you can't hear that, then our microphones are really thankful to hear that awesome motorcycle.
That guy is so cool.
Yeah.
So impressed.
Me too.
It's amazing.
All right, let's go on to our stories of the week.
All right, we have a sponsor this week, Faithful Counseling.
Sponsored the show a few times before, so thank you.
Yeah, very thankful.
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Yeah, you don't want to go to, which, yeah, he moonlights as a psychiatrist sometimes.
And he wears the little mustache to disguise himself.
You don't want that.
Yeah, maybe you can't get that guy.
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Well, so we've been, you know, we've been looking for counselors.
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All right, let's go to stories of the week.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
A huge crowd turned out Sunday for the memorial service of a victim of extreme police violence.
This is very sad, very tragic.
Hans Gruber.
Kruber was thrown from the top floor of Nakatomi Plaza by New York police officer John McClain, which many consider one of the most excessive uses of force ever witnessed.
McClain was allegedly not even in, well, not allegedly, he was.
He was not even in his jurisdiction at the time of the crime.
He was all the way across from New York.
He's all the way over to the city.
He was in LA, not even on duty.
And he just threw this guy from a building.
The gall.
The humanity.
Well, the inhumanity.
They used to yell the humanity when it's.
Oh, the humanity.
Oh, the humanity.
The audacity.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sad.
Sad.
Not good.
And you can see why everybody's writing stuff.
What were they doing at this funeral?
Like, what was like the anybody speak?
I don't know.
Carl?
Carl Carl speaking?
Bond-haired guy.
I think he died too.
Oh.
So, I'm trying to think of who would have had a chance to speak.
Maybe that the guy there was a tech guy that they had, the black guy, glasses.
Maybe he could speak.
That man was a hero, said Doyle Graham, who traveled from Nevada to pay respects.
I mean, I don't really know much about him other than that some police officer killed him, but he seemed like someone we should all honor and emulate.
So pay respects.
Yeah.
It's good.
Do you think, should the homeschoolers be filled in on this joke?
When you started a hashtag, no, I just would like the homeschoolers to be in the dark on this.
Okay.
I have seen this movie, believe it or not.
I didn't see any of the sequels.
This is a reference to Die Hard for our homeschooling fans.
So you never saw Die Hard 2 or 3 or 4?
Were they worth seeing?
I always, oh, I did see the reboot.
I think all the way up to Die Hard with the guy from the Apple commercials.
I'm trying to think.
Yeah, the Apple Courser's one was kind of weak.
Everything since then's been bad.
It was like toned down to be PG-13, if I remember right.
It was toned out of PG-13, but it was also like Transformers-level stunts.
Oh.
Which is like over too much.
Because the fun of Die Hard was like ordinary guy.
Ordinary guy, yeah.
Put into this bad thing.
I thought two was pretty good.
I mean, one's still the best, but three's good.
Tired with Vengeance?
Is that a third one?
I can't remember.
The one with Samuel Jackson in it.
Why are you asking me?
I've only seen the first one.
Yeah.
Well, I would say let's have a movie night and watch him.
But last time we tried to do that, I didn't show up.
Yeah, I don't trust you anymore.
You guys just watched Commando without me because we set up a whole Commando night so I could see Commando.
You were the whole reason.
I'm tired.
Yeah.
The way you texted it was, I ended up at home.
No, I didn't.
I said, no, I said I ended up going home.
I didn't just wake up at home.
So I still have not seen Commando.
Whoops.
Sad.
Terrible.
Many at the memorial are now wearing shirts with Gruber written on them to remember the man who was taken too soon thanks to unaccountable police actions.
There are calls for the arrest of John McClain, including from Hans Gruber's brother, Simon, who vows to do something about him.
Oh, yeah, Simon was in the third one.
There you go.
There's the reference.
The brother.
We got you covered.
So are we going to cancel all cop movies?
Is that the idea now?
Yeah.
Are all cops bad?
Because that's like a lot of the best movies ever made.
Hot Fuzz, Lethal Weapon, Bad Boys, Beverly Hills Cop, Rush Hour.
I have seen none of those except what?
Rush Hour.
You did see Rush Hour.
Bad Boy.
You haven't seen Bad Boys 2?
You asked me.
Didn't you text me?
I did line from Let's Go See Bad Boys.
I was trying to see the new one, Bad Boys for Life.
And I was like, what?
It was all right.
Bad Boys 2 is the most, I mean, it's horrible.
It's just about as R-rated as a movie could be.
But it's also like, it's the most, you know, it made Michael Bay, Michael Bay, like over the top.
Like, it's like a two and a half hour action film.
They go from like street, they got gun chases, they have airplanes, they have this, like, car chases downhill.
And this insane.
Are there any train chases?
There's got to be.
There's everything.
Okay.
It's just insane.
Yeah.
So, I don't know.
All right.
Well, I put a bunch of serious stuff on here, but it doesn't feel right.
Doesn't feel right.
Die hard.
Die hard.
Joe Biden conceded today that the Republican Convention was all right, pretty inspiring, to be honest, and a real gas.
But he also said the Democratic Convention is going to be even better.
In a conversation with a department store mannequin, it was unclear how Biden got into the department store as it's been out of business since 2013.
AIDS located him after they put out a silver alert.
They coaxed him into a windowless van by writing free hair on the side.
They were then able to transport him back safely to the basement for the storage until the election, for storage.
That was great.
You got to practice.
Yeah, I guess we do.
It's also a very long summary.
Yeah.
Anyway, Biden said, if you thought the Republican convention was good, just wait till we have our convention.
Right.
There's the joke.
That's the basic joke.
So this is notable.
This is kind of a, you know, just cheesy, one of our Biden jokes.
You know, he's an old guy to the old man.
He's old and dumb.
He's old and dumb.
But it was retweeted by President Trump.
So that's why we wanted to.
It's now a part of history.
It's now a part of history.
Like in the history books, kids will be in class and they'll be like, the president back in 2020 retweeted the Babylon B. It'll be a question, which satire site did the president retweet?
A, the Union.
B, the hard times?
Borowitz.
C, the Borowitz report.
D, the Babylon B.
The kids will sit there chewing on their pencils.
What's the Babylon B, mom?
No teacher?
Everyone will be homeschooling then because that's true.
It's happening now.
That's true.
Everyone will still be wearing masks.
So, you know, what's bizarre is that, like, we always joke, one of these days we're going to get retweeted by the president.
It'll be the most glorious day ever.
And then it happened, and we didn't even notice for like 12 hours.
And we had the middle of the night.
And things have been going so crazy at the B because of the Twitter suspension and all that.
Like, this wasn't, it didn't even register as a blip, like, in terms of traffic.
And it's just like, oh, I got caught.
I think Joel, one of our writers, Joelson, like, said me, hey, guys, we got retweeted.
But yeah, it was like middle of the night.
That's how he talks.
It's possible, yeah.
Hey, guys.
It's possible that Trump got up to use the bathroom at like 3 a.m.
That's what it looked like.
How weird is it to think that the president of the United States was sitting on the toilet and retweeted our reading our story, tweeting it, tweeting it.
That Biden is real dumb.
Retweet.
That's what he sounds like.
Well, lastly, the question is, yeah.
Did he know?
Does he know it's fake, right?
Yeah.
Just making sure.
Yes, he does.
Okay.
I'm pretty sure.
There's always a little question mark.
So it didn't, it wasn't like life-changing.
Do you think the presidential retweet would be like instant, you're set for life.
That's it.
That's it.
We arrived.
No.
Superstar.
Didn't really change anything.
I think that post got clicked on more and got more retweets.
It was in the middle of, I think he was going like, retweet, retweet, retweet, retweet.
I mean, it was a huge barely registered.
Yeah.
If he just like tweeted once a day.
It passed people's screen like, yeah.
They're already forgotten.
Sad.
So please do it again.
But, you know, part it out.
Take a break, President Trump, and then retweet one of our best articles.
We'd like it to just be.
Which one do you want to retweet?
What's your favorite?
The one about everything has gone down in this country, downhill in this country since men stopped wearing hats.
I think it'd be funny if he shared a really stupid one.
Really dumb one, yeah.
Reports.
The squirrels are up to something.
Like that.
And it'd be better than a retweet.
It'd be better if he directly copied the link and pasted it in there, and then he was like, Absolutely, watch out for the squirrels.
I've been saying this for years.
That's what we want.
That's what we want.
Yes.
All right.
So here's our next story.
CNN has been there from the beginning, always running toward the important stories and absolutely never covering them up.
Well, we at the Babylon B went through CNN's archives and dug up these 14 headlines they published while covering some of the most significant events of human history.
Thank you, CNN, for being a bastion of truth and honesty in this postmodern world.
Yeah, I was aware that CNN had been around for my whole life, but I didn't realize they'd been around since before Christ.
Yeah, all 6,000 years of creation that have been around.
It was called BCCNN back then.
Yeah.
The snake in the garden.
That's right there in the beginning.
Represents they were there reporting.
Yeah.
Well, they were the snake.
It represents the snake, I guess.
Or they hired him.
I don't know.
Okay, here's the first headline we have.
I didn't go to journalism school.
Really?
We're going to need to check your credentials, sir.
2348 BC.
Watery but mostly peaceful flood destroys earth.
It's watery.
Wet.
But most of it was probably pretty calm.
Yeah, it's like there's just the part where the water's coming up and everybody's going, but then after that.
Everything else, that's like being at that splash pad place.
The water slide.
The water park.
The water park.
It's pretty much just a water park.
Good point, Ethan.
1025 BC.
David circumcises 200 Philistines in mostly painless medical procedure.
Because if you take the entirety of somebody's life, circumcision is just like a snip into it.
It's just that one.
And all the press time, the medical prep he was doing, they were just sitting there and they weren't feeling anything.
And actually, I think he killed them before he circumcised them.
It's like the tip of the iceberg.
Didn't he behead them or something before he circumcised them, if I remember right?
He beheaded them first?
I thought so.
I thought he killed him.
What was the point afterward?
Okay.
Because he went and wants to collect them.
It's like a Pokemon thing.
Got to catch them all.
It's easier than carrying a bunch of heads around.
Yeah.
That's true.
I have so many wrong thoughts.
So he collected.
You know how kids put olives on their fingers?
I'm going to stop there.
He collected all the foreskins and he brought them to Saul.
This thing's had to start smelling.
Well, I don't know how long he had them.
But they don't have refrigerators or anything or coolers.
What do you think the shelf life is on a foreskin?
We need to get a medical professional in here to talk about this.
This is what Dr. David Fisher would be perfect for that.
Get him on the line.
Call him.
I'm guessing.
I mean, because I know that the food handler and you get food handler's license is like six hours or something that you're allowed to keep things out.
And after so, but that's just like they're edible.
And it's probably longer than that, but that's the standard.
Yeah.
So if you had some preservatives and foreskin preservatives, but how long's it?
Because they don't, they're traveling by like camel and stuff.
And they got a giant sack of foreskins and it's hot weather.
It's hot out.
It's muggy.
I mean, the foreskins are just that is gross.
Okay, we should move on.
33 AD, mostly peaceful crowd demands Jesus be crucified.
Oof.
Oof.
No comment.
79 AD, fiery, but mostly dormant Mount Vesuvius erupts.
Yeah, there's only that one.
Is that the idea is that with the mostly peaceful thing, it's like most of the time it's fine.
And then you kill a bunch of people.
But that's not the norm.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Are you catching on to the calm them through?
Well, I'm trying to figure out what makes reporters like justify saying the mostly peaceful thing because in their head, it's like you do wonder why.
You look at this crowd.
Well, most people aren't killing people.
Yeah.
But that's true of everything, right?
Like, unless absolutely everybody is killing somebody.
Yeah, I guess you could even say that.
I mean, what percentage of the Nazis were like actually murdering people regularly?
Sure.
I mean, a higher percentage than a normal group of people.
Yeah.
But you could say mostly peaceful Nazis.
Yeah, it's true.
Maybe we'll get there.
Yeah, maybe.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
There's no, we don't have any Nazi jokes.
Sad.
I think it's your turn.
If we're reading them all.
1235 AD, Genghis Khan attacks China in mostly pacifist invasion.
1347 AD, Black Death peacefully kills millions.
Trump to blame.
1453 AD, Constantinople liberated by a religion of mostly peace.
Gonna bleep that one out to make it on YouTube.
What?
Well, you gotta bleep.
Because it's like, you know, religion of peace.
I don't know.
He's a long joke.
Are we allowed to tell Muslim jokes?
We rarely tell them.
You gotta believe that.
You just said the word.
Oh, darn it.
We get people that email us and say, make fun of Muslims more.
Yeah, Jews.
And we've maybe ever made fun of Muslims like once.
Yeah.
Twice.
Yeah.
We're wimps.
We are wimps.
Hindenburg has mostly pleasant flight.
Terrible.
A lot of people died, Kyle.
Did they?
I don't know.
Didn't they?
It's full of people, right?
I don't know.
How many people died in the Hindenburg?
Hey, Alexa.
How many people died in alexa?
Siri, how many people died in the Hindenburg?
Hey, Siri.
36.
Oh.
Oh, it's only 36.
I thought it was hundreds.
No, no, no.
Wow.
I don't think they carried that many people.
Oh, that's fine then.
Let's joke about it.
Yeah.
Thanks.
We've passed the statute of limitations on the jokes for Hindenburg.
1945 AD, America drops two mostly.
Oh, a lot of people did die in this one.
America drops two mostly peaceful nuclear bombs on Japan.
That's dark.
I was reading this earlier.
I was like getting more and more depressed as we got down the list.
Chinese citizens, 1959, mostly don't starve to death in great famine.
It's true.
Only a small percentage of the people.
1986 AD, USSR reactor at Chernobyl mostly not exploded.
That's right.
It was just one rated reactor that exploded right in the other ones.
We're fine.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And even like if you looked at the amount of the reactor that blew up, probably the chunks.
Like there were a good amount of chunks that were not.
I finally watched that, by the way.
Did you?
Did you like it?
First episode, I was like, this is exactly what I expected, and why I wasn't going to watch it.
Yeah, you go to McDonald's, you order it, and it's always down.
Every time.
It's because you use a stupid plastic spoon to make it.
Like, have you heard of, you know, how they do that?
What?
That McFlurry machine, the way it works, they take your spoon that you're going to eat with and it plugs it into the machine, and then the spoon is what.
Oh, the little square.
Is that why they have a hole in them?
I never knew that.
Yeah.
And I think it's dumb.
2008 AD.
Obama runs mostly scandal-free administration.
Whoa, bias is coming out here.
Yeah, sad.
Jeez.
Not good.
2017, possibly the most tragic of all.
The Last Jedi, mostly not a terrible movie.
Is that true, though?
If you've good?
If you disregard the bad plot points, a plot is a large part of a thing of a story, though.
But it's filmed very well and there's good acting.
Okay.
51% not terrible.
Sad list.
All right.
Well, let's go to our topic of the week.
We're going to read some Babylon B headlines that we never published.
This should be spicy.
This should be spicy stuff.
Actually, most of them are just not funny jokes.
Too stupid.
And now, the Babylon Bees topic of the week.
Got plenty to do.
Well, I noticed Dan's been doing like Photoshops and little effects and things.
It's pretty going all out.
He's doing good work back there.
If you're listening to the audio version, you're missing out on all these special effects Dan's adding on.
It's pretty great.
All this other stuff.
Check out our YouTube channel, youtube.com.
I'm doing animation on it.
Smash that subscribe button.
Yeah.
And you can catch my cartoons working on with Frank Fleming and Austin Robertson.
They're pretty fantastic.
All right.
Well, when we write Babylon B headlines, we write a lot of jokes that we never end up using because they're dumb.
Or there's a lot of reasons we might not run a joke.
Feels wrong.
Feels wrong.
Or there's another joke that works better, but this one was pretty good.
Sometimes you write it and then you're like, oh, crap, someone else already made this joke.
Yeah.
That happens a lot.
Just doesn't feel right.
Kyle's.
Kyle didn't like it.
Kyle's the main reason.
Basically.
Kyle's finger hovering over the publish button and then nah.
Or if it was something else.
If it didn't even make it through a time when Kyle was gone and Ethan was in charge, then it's pretty bad.
Yeah, because Ethan has no standards to publish anything.
If it made me chuckle, I'll post it.
That's pretty good.
That joke's as fart.
Publish.
How dare you?
I have never posted a fart headline.
Have I?
Oh, I did post.
I think I did our first fart joke a little while back, the Goya Beans joke.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
What was that one?
Like, Republicans are suffering from question because of the.
Maybe I tied in global warming somehow.
I don't know.
All right.
Babylon B headlines that we never published.
Benny Hinn cashes in on frequent liar miles.
Get it?
So it's a pun-y thing.
Is that a pun?
Or a play on words?
Yes.
Pun.
It's a pun.
Yeah.
Good one, Babylon B. Can we get a we need a laugh track, Dan laugh track after every headline.
Yeah, we need that because it's gonna be rough.
Go ahead.
So, this in context, this is when Netflix put out a spicy Netflix put out like a Jesus is gay thing or something, right?
A gay Jesus.
Yeah, there's some gay Jesus show or something that they do.
And they were acting like because they're so brave to do that.
It's like, oh man, taking on religion.
Take this religion.
So we had prepared, even with an image.
Netflix defends.
Don't post the image, Dan.
Netflix defends new comedy depicting Muhammad and drag.
There's almost entire something in Netflix.
Which isn't that funny, which you couldn't.
The thing is, no matter where you go, it's going to be super offensive.
I think the main reason that we backed off on this one, and it was tense, because we really wanted just to hit back at Netflix for this.
We wanted to do something, but admittedly, because we had had a couple stories where people had thought it was real.
And if some Islamic terrorists saw the story and thought it was real and decided to go to Netflix and bomb it, we would have felt pretty bad.
It's like, you can come attack us.
Yeah.
But we don't want you to blow up Netflix because of us.
Yeah.
So has there been a way to make sure they didn't do that?
I'd have them a little more safely.
Cowardly.
Pansexual.
You can tell us how big of cowards we are in the comments.
Pansexual.
Now I just shouted the word pansexual.
Sorry.
Pansexual, exclusively attracted to cookware.
So damn.
That's pretty good.
Pansexual.
That's pretty good.
They're like, no, no, no, that's a crock pot.
No, no, no, no.
That's a kettle.
I need a pan.
I like the idea of a guy that's got pansexual in his bio on the dating side.
And they're like, oh, great.
He's very open and accepting of all.
And then he meets the girl and he's got like all these pots and pans.
There's guys like that with shoes, right?
Have you heard of that?
I don't know, but shoe.
I know there's like a foot thing.
I mean, is he talking foot thing?
Are you talking?
No, I can't remember.
Mike Nelson was telling me about like one of these guys, his fetish was he had like a whole shed full of all these weird different like women's shoes or something, like rubber boots or something.
Now is what he's into.
Just the shoe?
You know, that's fine.
You do you, you, you.
We're not.
I like, I like women.
He likes rubber boots.
It's pretty much the same.
No judgment.
That's a total equivalent.
Yeah.
Fine.
It's a social construct.
It's only society that has told us that a rubber boot and a woman are a different thing.
Yeah, that's true.
It's the patriarchy.
Yeah.
It's big rubber.
Big what?
Those capitalists.
What am I on here?
Climate crisis.
Well, I meant like, what am I taking?
No, just kidding.
Climate crisis solved by Coca-Cola offering cool, refreshing beverages.
Sponsored article.
That was TV joke.
Okay.
It's like, why does it say sponsored article?
No, because they like solved racism, right?
It's like, hey, you can't top what they already did.
That's the thing.
With the Pepsi thing?
Yeah.
Was it Pepsi or Coca-Cola?
It was Pepsi with the riots.
Yeah, like they go out in the middle of the riots and hand them a Pepsi and they're like, oh, yeah, racism is over.
That would be a great joke.
But it already happened.
It was a real ad.
This was a Frank Fleming joke, and I kept wanting to publish it.
And I'm like, I don't want people.
It's going to be very confusing because people did Coke really sponsor this.
So maybe we'll run it sometime, Frank.
New rule requires TSA agents to buy you dinner first.
Oh, yeah.
That's worth it.
That sounds like kind of an uncle joke.
Yeah, they should have bought me dinner first.
The TSA probably hears this all the time.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're going to buy me dinner?
I don't know.
It didn't feel right.
I already had the image that made it even more suggestive.
It was like the guy was like unbuckling his belt or something.
Yeah, that was an Ethan.
Liberals irritated at having to constantly explain how their we smell like pee slogan isn't what it sounds like.
Frank requires this sounds like a frank one where they have to explain it.
This requires some context.
I think this was during Defund the Police.
Oh.
Because they were all that's when it all came out like defund the police, defund the police.
And they're like, they keep having to explain everything.
They don't mean defund the police.
They had a lot of those.
They had like kill white people or something.
Yeah.
Or like believe all women.
Blew All Women, they had a, they're always like really blatantly like the worst thing you think of like.
There's a feminist one that was like kill all men or something.
Well, we don't mean kill all men.
Yeah, but it's still our hashtag.
So they have the sign up, we smell like pee.
But it's not.
No, we don't mean literal pee.
It's a good joke, Frank.
It's a good joke.
Yeah.
It's a good joke.
We love you, Frank.
Oh, man, there's a few Franks on here.
Now I feel bad.
I feel like we're just dunking on Frank.
He just writes a lot.
So there's more that end up in the pipeline that we never use.
Key to writing good headlines is writing a lot of headlines.
I think Frank was trying to do a sequel to his shoelace joke where you're making fun of a bad Ocasio College.
Well, that's a Frank one, too.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
Man swears he can stop watching Jordan Peterson videos anytime he wants to.
You never posted that one?
That was like when you got in the big rabbit hole, right?
yeah i started watching a couple of clips but then i just started reading the book yeah you just started but that was back when i remember you wrote the headline when like did i write the headline you don't You just dove into, I think we saw him when you started watching the videos or something.
Maybe we did publish it.
I don't know.
I don't think it was published.
Oh, yeah.
I don't think it was.
I remember I made the image of the guy looking like all like...
Like he got caught.
Well, he's just in the dark staring at a screen.
His eyes are just glazed already.
I can stop.
I can stop anytime.
I can stop watching the Peterson.
That's how they sound.
Hip and relatable.
Beto O'Rourke answers voter questions while casually hanging upside down from rafters like a bat.
This was during Beto's heyday when he was still running for president.
He kept jumping up on stage.
Standing on tables.
He's jumping on podiums.
Skateboarding.
Skateboarding everyone.
So he's hanging upside down for the rafters like a bat.
That's the joke.
Hip and cool bats.
Laugh track.
Study.
Best way to make wife hurry up while getting ready for church is to sit in a car in your car and honk the horn.
Oh, my horn's broken.
I thought you had like an old pseudo-baker.
Yeah.
Church joke.
The problem with the church joke is you've got to really commit to it because you got to know there's a very good likelihood it's going to get about 10 shares.
Yeah, nowadays, especially.
Because we've narrowed down our church fans to only ones that are far right-wing extremists.
That's true.
We only have Nazi Christians left.
They're faithful.
This Game of Thrones VBS really getting out of hand.
A lot of them are like kind of the incomplete joke, right?
Like that one.
It could go somewhere.
What?
I like the idea.
Some blanks filled in there.
Game of Thrones VBS where they're cutting everybody's heads off.
She had walking through town naked, shaved head.
Yeah.
Because that must have never been what happened in the show.
Yeah, I don't know.
Uh, this is our last one.
Biden says, boot up your AOL MySpaces and surf on over to Joe at Juno.biz.
I think that was after his.
What did he say at the end of that one?
He said, like, everyone, go to Joe3030.
Oh, it was like a text thing or something.
You're supposed to like text.
And he's like, get on your computer and go to Joe 30.
And everybody's like, what?
Go to it.
It didn't make any sense what he said.
So, sad.
Now we're going to read.
Well, it's funny that these are the best of the worst or the unused.
I've tried to pick ones that would make people chuckle or see why we didn't publish it, maybe.
But yeah, writing comedy is hard.
Yeah.
I mean, Ethan's going to.
Now, Ethan, when he signed up, when he contacted me the first time, he sent me like 50 headlines.
So let's read a few of them and then we're going to save the rest for the subscriber portion.
This is my very Ethan's very first Babylon B headlines ever.
I should have found some of mine.
Maybe I can for the subscriber.
Here's okay.
So here's Ethan's, the ones that he sent me.
I barely knew this guy.
Yeah.
And he's like, here's 50 ideas.
Or whatever it was.
I was older back then.
That's what he sounds.
Hey, man, I can tell jokes too.
Archaeologists find congregation who was never told to sit back down still standing.
We used that one.
We did publish that one.
How did it do?
I can't remember.
I don't remember either.
So the chirpers are still standing.
They're, yeah, they basically got chiseled.
They're all like in rock now.
They never, yeah, they never sat down.
Toddler covered in a thick layer of saliva after Gladys and Ethel work nursery.
I should have seen so many.
This is and then the kid is just covered in like a layer of mucus and the little ladies work in the nursery.
I should have seen all your gross headlines coming.
All the warning signs are obvious in hindsight.
Worship leader born in Idaho sounds Irish when she sings for some reason.
So I don't know if this is the thing I've noticed, but like all these alternative singers, like they're trying to sing like Bjork or something.
And when they talk, they're like, oh, yeah, I totally believe in Jesus.
And they start singing like, I can sing of your love forever.
Listen, the British guys, they sing like they're American.
Maybe everybody, there's, isn't there like a singing accent they say?
Is there?
I think so.
Except when you're trying to sound Swedish.
Let's do like two more and then we'll save the room.
These are hilarious.
Oh, am I going?
Congregation takes turns sitting next to zoned-out husband to receive unconscious neck rubs during service.
That would be a good guy that's just sitting there.
That would be a good video sketch or something.
Yeah.
He just doesn't realize it's not his way.
They all rotate through like a conveyor belt kind of thing.
Yeah, yeah.
That takes some vision to get that.
Ethan has a very cartoony mind.
You have a very like you think of things in terms of what would be funny in a video scene or something.
Offering plate just an iPad with PayPal app.
That's my worst one.
That's not even funny.
I like how you jump to defend it.
Oh, no.
And I was reading last night.
This is probably true, right?
I mean, I probably do it now.
I mean, it's not your fault.
It's reality's fault.
This one doesn't make sense either.
Well, we're going to read it.
All right.
In the subscriber portion.
Yeah, wait for that subscribers.
Let's go to hate mail.
I really miss Adam Ford.
Got to scroll down through all my gazillion headlines.
I can barely read that.
It's tiny.
All right.
Here's a hate mail from a lovely lady named Susan.
And she says, Do you want to read?
Is Susan a derogatory term now?
I think they have Susan's and Karen's.
What's the Susan?
I don't know.
Are Susan's like Karen's?
Let's see, Susan.
This is why we need a researcher.
Designated researcher.
Dan's too busy to be researching during the show.
Yeah, during the show.
Susan.
Susan.
Susan is gossipy and addicted to wine.
Karen summons the manager.
Okay.
Brenda watches Gray's Anatomy and believes she's a medical expert.
There's a whole list now.
So they have all these names.
It's going to lose its potency.
Urben Guard.
I don't know.
What is Ermen?
I just learned that's the name.
Urben Guard?
Ermengarde.
I don't know what that is.
That's a girl's name.
Why would you describe yourselves as news?
Should I be hiccuping because she's drinking wine?
Why would you describe yourself as news?
You can trust.
Print an article about Kamala Harris planting weed on pence and attempting to plant cocaine on President Trump.
I don't like Camela at all, but printing trash like that is what makes us look silly.
Unsubstantiated and fake ourselves to others.
A diet-in-the-wool far-right thinker.
Please stop.
Oh, she's a doctor.
Is she?
Oh, that's what she says on Doctor.
At the end, she has a doctor.
Yeah, look at that.
I like, there's a couple of funny quotation marks in here.
She says an article about Kamala Harris planting weed.
Quote-unquote weed.
And then she says, this is what makes us look silly.
So I don't know.
We don't describe ourselves as news you can trust.
We describe ourselves as fake news.
Fake news you can trust.
It says fake, right?
Big difference.
You're trying to fool people, but you wouldn't call your site fake news you can trust.
Goodness gracious.
Wait, because I remember our joke where she plants weed on pence, but we didn't want to say she attempted to plant cocaine on Trump, or is that in the article?
Maybe it's in the article.
I wrote the article.
I don't remember.
Unsubstantiated and fake and fake ourselves to others.
She writes like a doctor, writing on a prescription.
I don't understand it.
I don't know what fake ourselves to others means.
Unsubstantiated and fake ourselves to others.
A died in the wool far-right thinker.
Is she signing off?
I'm a dyed-in-the-wool far-right thinker.
Yeah, I think so.
She's saying she's conservative.
Or she's saying unsubstantiated, a fake.
I can't understand it.
Do conservatives describe themselves as far-right?
Like, usually that's the dyed-in-the-wool.
I'm a far-right thinker.
Who's always died in the wool?
Isn't it leftists?
A died in the wool leftist?
Is there a died in the wool?
Certified right-winger?
I don't know.
Seems like they're not never died in the wool.
A swastikud.
I don't even know what diet in the wool means.
It goes deep down into the roots of their wool.
Died in the wool.
They're a $300,000 sheep.
No, that's a half a million dollars.
Half a million dollar sheep.
From a very respected lineage.
He's of the.
Like, if you say that name of that sheep's lineage, everybody stands.
Like, is the sheep's last name Kennedy or something?
Maybe.
I don't know.
Are we talking about that article again?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, this is the end of the Babylon Bee show if you're a freeloader and have not subscribed to the Babylon Bee.
If you are a subscriber to the Babylon B, we're going to continue to read some of Ethan's early submissions.
And I'm going to go find some of my early submissions.
And we're going to give you a little tour of our new space we just moved into days ago.
I'm going to try to see if I can walk around with my channel.
Changes.
Do that.
Walk around my phone.
So we're going to give you a walk in the middle.
It won't go very far, will it?
Yeah, we can add it in the phone footage.
There you go.
We can do that.
And we're going to talk a little bit about our plans for the new office, how that's going to go.
We're going to have some cool stuff coming up for the subscriber lounge.
Oh, yeah.
We're going to build an actual subscriber lounge that you can't come to with only us.
Yeah.
But in spirit.
Spirit.
If you're not a subscriber, we still appreciate you.
Yeah.
And we want you to go on YouTube.
We want you to go on YouTube and murder that subscribe button.
Yeah.
It's elbow drop it from the top rope.
Take that subscribe button and click the bell so you get notified.
And then drop it like a hot tamale.
Yeah.
Don't comment.
Leave comments.
We do read the comments.
Yeah.
There's one guy who gives me crap for my voice cracking.
He tells me to speak in the proper frequency so my voice isn't crack as if I am voluntarily speaking a different voice in order to crack.
You do.
Once you get on the show, you start changing so you can crack.
Yeah.
To give the people like.
Hold on.
I get my crack voice.
One guy was very upset that we recommended secular comedies.
So we do read the comedies.
We do read them.
It is fun.
It's fun.
So yeah, go to the town.
Peace out.
Correct us.
We need a good sign-off.
Until next time, believe everything you read on the internet.
We'll work on that.
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
If you're not a Babylon Bee subscriber, go to BabylonB.com/slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Access to our headline forum, 20% off the items in the Babylon Bee store, a gift, and more.
Please drop us a review on iTunes and share the podcast with a friend.
Feedback and love mail go to podcast at babylonbee.com.
Follow Ethan at AxeCop and Kyle at the underscore Kyle underscore man on Twitter.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.
Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to go forth and spread the gospel using selfies, doxing, and manufactured outrage.