In this episode of The Babylon Bee Podcast, Kyle and Ethan celebrate the one year anniversary of the show and welcome Kyle's dad, Brent, for Father's Day. They talk shop about duct tape, flashlights, initialisms, rocket science, and dad hacks. They also dive into the week's news stories. Kyle and Ethan enlighten Brent on what CHAZ or CHOP is, and then discuss Elon Musk's quest to occupy Mars, and an aerospace engineer's perspective on seeing God in creation. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Get a Sneak Peak! Send your emails to podcast@babylonbee.com and maybe we will answer you in our next Mailbag segment! Show Outline Introduction Today on The Babylon Bee Podcast, we welcome Brent Mann, Kyle's dad. It's Father's Day and we celebrate the Babylon Bee Podcast's one year anniversary! Stuff That's Good Kyle likes Avatar: The Last Airbender. Ethan likes Rifftrax. Brent likes Columbo. Remember Columbo? Weird News Mum renovating home finds 'clever' tip from previous owner under old wallpaper Florida man fist-fights alligator to save dog Deer runs into Black Lives Matter protest in New Jersey, seriously injuring woman Teen fell into coma after having bubble tea twice a day for a month South Carolina police seek couple accused of holding Pizza Hut manager at gunpoint, stealing Pepsi German police: Petty thief fled supermarket, forgot his son Story 1 Trump Enacts Tariffs, Travel Ban On CHAZ Summary: Trump has announced a new set of tariffs and a travel ban on CHAZ, escalating the trade war between the United States and the fledgling nation-state. The real story: An "autonomous zone" or Occupy Protest and sprung up in Seattle complete with warlords, speech codes, segregated gardens, calls for foreign aid from its capitalist neighbors, and brutal community policing tactics. Story 2 Study: Average Father Spends 97% Of Time Running Around House Turning Lights Off Summary: A new study of fatherhood in America found that the average dad spends up to 97% of his time running around the house turning off lights that the rest of the family left on. The real story: Kyle's dad has an ingenious solution to teach your kids to not leave the lights on. Topic of the Week It's Father's Day! Kyle, Ethan, and aerospace engineer Brent (Kyle's Dad) talk about all sorts of stuff like dad jokes, initialisms and acronyms, Brent's work on the Space Shuttle program, Elon Musk's amazing space feats, and a few of Brent's fatherly quirks like how he carries a really old cell phone in a ziplock bag. Hate Mail A recent article made some very overworked and stressed booksellers very angry. Subscriber Portion Ethan and Brent talk bladder blabber when Kyle leaves the room, and then they continue going through Brent's box of stuff he brought in, and finish by talking about more dad hacks and stories, including the time when Brent acted out a scene from The Bourne Identity to chase down a bicycle thief. Also mentioned on the podcast: Fingerprint of God: Recent Scientific Discoveries Reveal the Unmistakable Identity of the Creator by Hugh Ross To watch or listen to the full length podcast, become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
In a world of fake news, we bring you up-to-the-minute factual inaccuracy and a heavy dose of moral truth.
With your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
This is the Babylon Bee.
Fake news you can trust.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to the Babylon Bee podcast.
I'm Kyle Mann.
I'm Ethan Nicole.
And man, this signifies, this is our first time repeating a topic because this is Father's Day, and our second episode ever was Father's Day, right?
Yesterday.
It's a year.
We've been doing this a year.
Two days ago was the anniversary of our very first Babylon Bee podcast.
Yeah.
I listened to that article.
You listened to an article?
Wait, who's talking?
Who's this guy?
This is my dad.
Who invited this guy in?
I listened to that article.
Okay, I don't know.
Articles aren't, you can't listen to articles.
Well, not usually.
So what do you mean you listen to?
Unless you have the audio program.
Oh, the podcast.
The podcast.
Okay.
So you listen to it.
I need to listen back to that.
I'm curious what that sounds like.
We should do a subscriber post where we share our throwaway podcasts.
We did a couple before we did our first one that actually went out.
Yeah.
A couple of them were all right, but I think the first one or two rough ones.
Kind of rough.
I'm curious to listen back to see how rough even the first one of this one is.
They weren't as rough as you think.
Yeah.
No, they were good.
Well, we always think they're rough after we record the dad.
That's right.
I am biased.
A little bit biased.
Objective.
So, yes, we have Kyle's dad.
Kyle probably should introduce his dad.
This is my dad, Brent Mann.
That raised me.
Is there a more manly last name?
There really isn't.
Maybe manly.
Well, my initials are B-A-M, B-A-Man.
Oh, nice.
Bam.
And we'll talk a little more about initialisms, all the initialisms I grew up.
I don't know what it is with dads.
Nobody really messed it up.
My dad is obsessed with initials.
This is talking about dads.
He would always, the moment somebody told them the baby name he came up with, he'd go, he'd say the initials.
So he had a friend who was their last name was Troutman.
And so, oh, yeah, we're going to name him Robert Alan Troutman.
He's like, oh, rat.
R-A-T.
R-A-T.
Rat.
Ruined the whole thing for him.
They're going to name him after somebody and this messed it all up.
Well, we thought about naming Kyle Hugh.
Hugh.
Oh, yeah, Hugh.
Hugh Mann.
Hugh Mann.
There's a lot of good puns.
And I want to thank you for restraining yourself.
Practicing some restraint.
Yeah, all the superheroes you could do.
Because, yeah, there could have been quite a few.
We thought about making it.
So many possible dad jokes.
That's dad joke restraint, right?
I know.
We thought about naming Kiris Vita after grandma.
Oh, yeah, Vita.
So it would have been Vitamin.
Vitamin.
Oh, man.
This could be a whole show.
And we do have a sister, Megan.
So it's Megan Man.
It sounds like Mega Man.
Oh, Mega Man, yeah.
Say it real fast.
So I'm not convinced that wasn't intentional, some kind of pun.
It was thought about, but we did it anyways.
Yeah.
Well.
Well, this is our podcast.
So we cover the news and we talk about topics.
Stuff that happened last week.
All kinds of stuff.
And then this week we're doing our special topic of the week about dads.
And we're going to be talking about weird news.
We're going to talk about Trump.
Oh, Chaz.
We're going to be talking about what's going on down in Seattle.
And we get to explain to my dad when Chaz in Seattle.
So let's.
Yeah, he didn't know what Chaz.
I hardly know what it is.
I see these Babylon Bee headlines and Chaz is showing up a lot and I have no idea what you're talking about.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right, I've been watching a show that was popular 20 years ago on Netflix called Avatar the Last Airbender.
Like the Nickelodeon animated show, not James Cameron.
Correct.
Not the blue people.
The monk, magical monk guy.
And it's fantastic.
And I.
So you're not talking about the movie.
I heard that was pretty bad.
That was terrible.
Well, both I hated the movie with the blue people and Avatar the Last Airbender.
The movie was terrible.
What's his face?
Shamalama.
Shamalama didn't know.
Shamalama didn't know.
So because my parents didn't let me have cable growing, let us have cable growing up.
We just barely got it.
What do you mean?
You guys still don't have cable.
Well, no cable either.
But now cable's out.
Now it's all now.
You're old-fashioned if you have cable.
My wife likes cable.
We just got internet on cable.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
Well, cable.
Like a cable internet, like high school.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Because for a long time, we'd go to their house and you have the 200K, you know, DSL Wi-Fi.
Terrible.
I think it was a little higher than that.
I don't know.
It was 512.
512K.
Just pretty brutal.
But they still moved off my Netflix account.
Until you change the password.
But anyway, so the show's great.
And so when I was growing up, I wasn't allowed to watch.
Okay.
So you're watching those.
It's not that I wasn't allowed to watch Nickelodeon, but we didn't have it.
Okay.
So all my friends are talking about.
I was like, eh.
And I was contrarian, you know, that's not.
Yeah.
That's lame.
You guys are all I'm sitting down and watching it with my kids, and it's just a great experience because it's positive.
It's not, you know, it's got none of the weird stuff you see in modern shows.
And it's just a fantastic story.
It's well animated.
So, yeah.
I know a guy that wrote on that.
Awesome.
So if you missed, if you missed that trend, if you missed that trend, just check it out.
So my stuff that's good is so some of you guys might know Mike Nelson.
I have a different podcast with him called Audio Mullet.
He's from Mystery Science Theater, Riff Tracks.
My recommendation is Riff Tracks.
We had a little bit of a thing that happened on Twitter this week where some people like to dig through things.
They found some unsavory quotes, mostly from Doug, because Doug's a bit of a, you know, he likes to shoot his mouth off sometimes.
A little bit of a firebrand.
He's taking stuff out of context.
And you just, if you already hate him, then anyway, Mike has paid a bit of a price.
He's had some people cancel on Riff Tracks.
And I would just like to encourage you guys to go over to Riff Tracks, either subscribe or get it.
You can just buy one movie or you can buy a couple of MP3s that you sync up to a movie.
If you have the app, you can sync up.
Basically, what they do is they do a joke track over any movie.
A lot of mainstream movies, superhero movies, Harry Potter movies, the Twilight series.
They do all these movies that are already kind of a bit ridiculous and they kind of bring it out.
So Riff Tracks is hilarious.
A lot of them are kind of family friendly.
Sometimes they'll say like the Lord of the Rings ones, I think, are family friendly.
But they're never, they don't swear.
Like they don't, it's like PG-13, probably at the worst.
Anyway, so yeah, I'd really love to see Mike see a boost to balance out that little hit he got this week.
So can you subscribe directly at Riff Tracks or is it a Patreon thing?
I don't know if they have a subscription.
The way I've always done it is you can just buy per item.
I do think they have Patreon or something.
Some kind of subscription.
But yeah, the MP3s with like a all the Marvel movies are hilarious.
With them, I recommend like 300 is really funny.
There's so many good ones.
The Twilight movies are a great gateway in.
Fantastic.
Check out Rift Tracks.
Riff Tracks.
All right, Dad, my turn?
Yeah, what's good?
What's the free advertisement going on?
Keeping with the theme of movies.
Okay.
I got one word for you.
Okay.
Columbo.
That's a show.
Oh, well, I have a Tarjan TV show.
Huh?
Oh, it's true.
That's it.
Yeah, but the thing is, is Colombo seems so long, it seems like it's a movie.
It's like an hour, what, hour, 15 an episode, or hour an episode or something like that?
It's back when TV was real back in the good old days.
In fact, the other night, Saturday night, on channel five point, or is it four point something or another?
Points now.
Well, see, they don't have cable, so it's it's there's 200 free channels broadcast through the air right now.
Come through this room, coming through our bodies, bunny ears, and you can watch all the and it's all free.
It's all bunny ears, you can know like the antennas, yeah, antennas, but all from off that.
So, usually on Saturday night, channel 4.2, they play Colombo, and so I flipped there Saturday night, and there's a Colombo that I did not recognize.
Don't you own them all on DVD?
I thought so.
So, it's a good show.
I watched it for a while, I got into it.
So, I quickly ran out to the garage, grabbed my VHS tape, popped it in the recorder, and I hit the record button.
Have I told this about my dad?
Uh, he got one of those blockbuster accounts where you get like three movies at a time.
Oh, you did say this, yeah.
He, his whole goal was to burn the entire store onto DVD, so you'd have three at a time, and you'd just be he wouldn't even watch me just be burned as a hobby for him because it's what you do, and you don't have to work anymore.
That's great, but I think Colombo is like on Netflix or something, isn't it?
It's not as fun in low def, it gets more real in low diff, yeah, because when you put it on the tank, you hit the six-hour feature, yeah, and then it's like a 100 by 100 resolution or something.
Yeah, a lot of those old movies were there, all their effects are based on the bad, like the bad quality.
So, you put that quality down so you can see all the smears in their makeup, right?
Right, the weird screen behind the painting on the wall and everything.
The guy in the back holding the microphone, yeah, you couldn't see him before or the shadow, visible panty lines, the reflection in the mirror.
Yeah, Dan, I'm gonna need you to bleep out the word panty lines and have that on the Babylon B podcast here.
All right, let's do some weird news.
This news is weird if he bleeps out panty lines, it's gonna be worse.
It's always the imagination is so much worse.
You see those all right, weird news, mum.
This must be uh, so this is news that actually happened.
This is real news, actually.
Actually, this is yeah, this isn't fake news, this is real news, it's crazy news.
We think it's wild and wacky news.
Mum, mom, renovating home, finds clever tip from previous owner under old wallpaper.
So, what I liked about this one is the note.
She's she's changing her house up, tearing down the wallpaper, and there's a note underneath.
It might need to be flower bedded.
Uh, this note from 22 years ago said, If you ever need to wallpaper this room again, it will take eight rolls of wallpaper.
I bought just six rolls at $17 per roll on December 5th, 1997, and didn't have enough.
It really peeped me off.
Well, you know why, right?
You know why, why?
Because they're in Australia, yeah, and they're in the outback, and it would cost more to go get another roller drive all the way back to home.
Do you have Home Depot, or do they call it like something else like Home Dinkum?
Home Depot, the old Joey Mott, yeah, something like that.
Yes, they always, yeah, everything's got like journalisms are called Jornos and stuff like that.
Yeah, what are they called?
Toilets, I can't remember, Dunny or something, the Dunny Dingle Hoppers, something like that.
I used to know, I was obsessed with Australia because that was where I went my first international trip ever.
Florida Man fist fights alligator to save dog.
That's cool, just punched it.
Florida man for you, yeah, just punching an alligator.
Florida's got some cool guys.
I saw a picture the other night of a guy with a 17-foot python wrapped around his neck that he had killed in the Silverglades.
And Florida will actually pay people to go out and get them out of the Everglades.
Yeah, I heard that like Disney World will pay you to hunt alligators on their property.
Oh, really?
Because people will just.
Well, a couple of years ago, a two-year-old got.
Oh, yeah.
That's horrifying.
Right.
I guess they're just swarming the place.
So you can just take your boat and go sailing around and grab alligators and turn in the carcass, and they'll give you 25 bucks or something.
Wow.
You turn in the carcass?
Couldn't you sell it for more than that?
Well, I think you show them and then you can go see it.
So keep it.
Okay.
This is appropriate Father's Day topic.
Yeah.
You want to read one?
Sure.
Deer runs into Black Lives Matter protest in New Jersey.
Seriously injuring woman.
Okay, the not funny part is she was really hurt.
But this deer just like, there's people protesting and he just like ran into like the entire crowd.
So did the protesters.
Possibly the deers are racist.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Did the protesters go beat him up?
Yeah, gay.
Get over here, deer.
Burn down his lair, throwing small a top cocktails at the deer, steal his hide.
It does beg a question.
If deer attack Black Lives Matter protests, that means there could be racism within the deer community, which means hunters this whole time have been on the right track.
Shoot them all.
They should defund the deer population.
Defund the deer.
Abolished deer.
Aren't there like white-tailed deer?
The white-tailed.
There's also black-tailed.
So the black-tailed are probably all right.
It's as dumb.
It's as dumb as human racism to say that.
Deer of color.
Deer?
Oh, dear.
Your dad's problematic.
Was that the first dad joke on this pod?
Oh, dear.
Teen fell into coma after having bubble tea twice a day for a month.
It's diabetes, I think, is what happened.
I know you don't want to do that, but why would you drink?
Why are you picking all these news stories where people get like a teacher?
You're messed up, man.
Classic.
I think I only do.
I was in a hurry that day, and if I made me chuckle a little bit, I just put it on.
I didn't think about it.
Later, it was like, oh, yeah, somebody got messed up.
You're like, hey, coma.
They're fine.
It's just, you know, they just realize, oh, I have diabetes.
I shouldn't drink two giant bubble teas a day.
What's a bubble tea?
How do you find these?
Bubble tea?
You search weird news.
Like boba?
Yeah.
It's like all the giant tapioca balls.
So are the full sugar?
Those are high in sugar.
High cream.
It's just like, oh, yeah, super high in sugar.
I think boba is disgusting.
Something about it.
Like the giant structure.
Do you know when you see like frog eggs?
That's what it is.
And you kind of just, you just want to see what it feels like in your mouth.
No, no, I've never had these.
Yeah, but it would be gross.
Yeah, because it'd be gross.
But what if it wasn't gross?
That's what Boba Tea answers that question.
Wasn't Boba a character in Star Wars?
Boba Fat.
Yeah, there was a Boba in Star Wars.
It is weird, but I have had my moments where I enjoy a good little bubble tea.
I don't know.
I think it's because I'm sure at some point humans slurped up eggs of other animals like a bunch at one time.
Like chicken.
Yeah, it feels powerful.
It's kind of like when you're eating broccoli.
It feels like you're eating trees.
So I like the feeling of just being a giant eating a whole civilization of eggs.
I don't know.
That's like when you eat the roe or whatever they call it.
No, the roe isn't eggs.
Roe is the other stuff.
Caviar.
Yeah, the little orange eggs, flying fish eggs.
I can't remember the name.
Yeah, they put it on top of sushi or whatever.
Chakanari or something.
But you'll be the one where it's just full of it?
No.
It's like, wow.
I just ate like Germany worth of fish.
You'd probably get diabetes.
Fall into a coma if you ate a whole civilization.
Fish feed a fish.
I would think.
Man goes into coma after eating two civilizations a day for two months.
much for planned fish hood do you do you have any thoughts on sushi dad Excuse me.
Not a fan?
Is that all your thoughts?
Okay.
What's next?
Maybe it's my turn.
South Carolina police seek couple accused of holding Pizza Hut manager at gunpoint, stealing Pepsi.
So apparently these people, they didn't get their tool of Pepsi with their order.
So they took justice into their own hands and held the guy up at gunpoint.
12 years ago, I said the world is going down the tubes.
That's what you said.
Exactly.
12 years ago.
2008.
That was the year.
We reached AP.
Oh, it was that when Obama got elected.
Was it because of Obama?
I think that was the California passed the Marriage, You Can Marry Anybody Act.
Okay.
That you can be married.
Is that what it was?
You can marry anybody or anything.
That you marry anybody.
Dining room chair if you want to.
I just want to say I don't support holding a person at gunpoint, but I understand the passion.
You ordered your food.
It came all the way to your house.
They don't include the pop.
And now these pops, I'm not from the West, but I said pop.
Actually, you know what?
When I was a little kid, I was in Colorado, so that could be where I'm getting that.
Dad, soda or pop or cola or cocoa?
What do you say?
Pop when I was growing up.
Red pop for a dime.
Red pop?
Red pop for a dime.
Big red sodi pop.
So when you order food from these delivery services now, you know, like Uber Eats and stuff, if they mess it up, you just got to deal with it.
So, right?
And that restaurant has no, they don't even find out they messed up.
There's no accountability.
We're living in a society.
So I think there should be some kind of vigilante group who you call.
They mess your order up.
Yeah.
kind of justice needs to be served so they show up with the you forgot the man's chopsticks The lead pipe.
Yeah.
Or the wrench or the rope.
Yeah.
All the clue items.
Those are like, because some of those superheroes that, you know, heard of the real superheroes, like in Seattle and stuff, the guys that actually walk around dressed as superheroes and they claim to be fighting crime.
Like, that's something they could do.
So make it connected to Uber Eats.
Mess the order up.
Would you like to summon a superhero to messed up order?
Yeah.
At $5.
I see an entrepreneurial venture here.
It's something we could do.
Something in reverse.
Yeah.
Some anti-cub.
Anti-dash.
Vigilante dash.
Anti-Hoober.
Justice dash.
All right.
Dad, you got the last one on the end of that page there.
The petty thievery?
Yeah, yeah.
That's the petty thievery.
German police.
Petty thief.
Fled supermarket.
Forgot his son.
This reminds me of the guy who goes into the bank, hands a teller a note.
I'm sticking you up.
Give me all the money in your drawer.
I'm sure that's what it said.
Yeah.
The police went to it.
He wrote it on the back of a canceled check.
No.
With the address.
With his address.
Yeah, all the information on there.
I guess this guy was stealing $5.65 worth of stuff.
So is he a petty thief?
Because he's really bitter about something.
He's really petty.
Yeah.
He goes running out, and I don't know if there's a banana peel there or what, but he just, I guess he face planned it outside.
It was not a good day to be this guy.
And then he forgets his son inside.
And he got, and he didn't even get the $5.56 worth of stuff that he stole, which I don't know what that is.
What's $5.65?
That's what is that?
Like an energy drink and the Snickers bar?
Yeah.
Like that.
Be about an energy drink in his Snickers bar, maybe.
Probably needed the energy drink.
He was just not on his game.
This wasn't last week in LA, was it?
That one?
That one was Germany.
Germany.
I saw a lot of this happening last week in LA.
Oh, yeah, it's true.
It probably happened a lot of places.
Yeah.
All right.
So now we're doing our weekly stories.
Let's do it.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Trump has announced a new set of tariffs and a travel ban on Chaz, escalating the trade war between the United States and the fledgling nation state in Seattle.
Chaz.
Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.
So Capitol Hill.
So it's an acronym.
Yeah.
Right.
Chaz.
Chaz.
I thought it was a country in Africa.
It's not short for Chester.
What's up, Chaz?
Chazzy.
How you doing, Chazzy Boy?
You're going to have to explain this one to me.
I have no idea what a Chaz is.
Is that one of those things on the old computer cards that they used to use?
They even used in Florida about 20 years ago.
Those are Chad's.
Chads?
Chads.
Remember the Hanging Chads and the Hanging Chaz?
The Chads.
No, you don't know.
I don't know that at all.
That was the whole dispute with Bush and Gore was some of the ballots didn't get read properly because the little things were hanging on, the little papers were hanging.
They called them hanging Chads.
Now the Hanging Chads messed up the result.
The old hanging Chads.
The old hanging Chads.
So maybe that's a Chaz native.
I don't know, but yeah, it's the Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone, formerly known as Chaz now.
So they changed it already.
Because they changed it to CHOP.
So is this like a record?
Is this a record?
I'm making this up.
This is a real period of time that a country has changed its name.
It might be.
What other countries have changed their name?
Czech Republic.
No, that's true.
Czechoslovakia.
But it took them longer, though.
They didn't do it as well.
It's Russia again, right?
But yeah, they were around for a long time.
Usually some historical event happens, like a giant war or like independence or something.
Then they change their name.
What happened in Chaz that they became Chappelle?
CHOP.
It's pretty pretentious to already get to that phase.
We got a hatchet.
We can finally cut firewood.
Let's change our name.
So what does CHOP stand for?
Capitol Hill Occupy Protest.
So they took over.
Is it still a country station?
Yeah, you still need to describe this to me.
I don't know what it is.
They took over like six blocks of Seattle or something?
Yeah, so most protesters, you know, went home and they were like, okay, we've made our point.
In Seattle, they were like, let's just stay.
Let's live here.
And part of it was the police station, right?
They took over.
They were government buildings.
They took over the police station, the little precinct building there.
Fully, it was packed with these antifa guys.
And the mayor and the cops just left.
And they said this is a cop-free zone, our own autonomous zone.
And they said it was not part of the United States, not part of the state of Washington, not part of Seattle, its own country.
So it's a sit-in protest?
Well, kind of, but they're outside.
They're claiming to be starting their own country.
They're saying this is our own country.
They've got one building.
There's a sign like six blocks.
There's tents everywhere.
They're building gardens.
There's a sign that says you are now leaving the United States of America when you enter.
This is within the borders of America?
This is in Seattle.
Yeah.
This is in Seattle.
Is Seattle in America still?
I don't know.
There's a little spot.
It's up for debate.
And you look on the map.
There's a little spot missing.
They took it out.
It's like a Native American America picked a little scab.
Are they Native Americans?
Like, they've got their own.
Yeah, it's like a reservation.
It's like a reservation.
Yeah.
Reservation is technically like their own country, but not really.
Kind of.
but kind of so what are the so yeah we got a lot here on chaz What are the authorities doing about this?
Nothing.
Yeah, that's the crazy thing.
They just let them.
You know what?
It's kind of like when you hear your kids upstairs doing something crazy and building a fort and all that, and you're thinking, I'm going to have to clean all this up later.
You know, but you're like, yeah, let's let them wear themselves out.
Are there people people living inside here?
Are there businesses inside here?
And then there's some are in there, yeah.
There's businesses in there.
This is crazy.
It's wild.
Yeah, it's really crazy.
The funniest thing to me is they put a wall up almost immediately.
Yeah, they immediately built a border wall.
They built a border quicker than Trump ever could.
They have guys checking IDs at the mortar.
Yep.
And all of that.
I think Trump ought to hire them.
Send them south.
So they have this small patch of dirt where they're growing their own food so they can be autonomous.
And crops will be ready this fall.
Until then, it's Domino's Pizza.
And they have segregated their gardens by race.
So we have a picture here of this garden is for black and indigenous folks and their plant allies.
So there's a segregated garden.
Is that like a not thought through at the end?
I don't know why it says and their plants.
Plant allies.
Like, what is a like is the cactus an ally?
Like, I don't understand.
Are they identifying it as plants?
It really almost reads like Jim Crow.
It's very weird.
Yeah.
Like sticker.
Like are they going to give them their own drinking fountains too?
Like what else are they going to do?
To stop racism.
Yeah.
In the name of ending racism.
Everything's a horseshoe, right?
It all meets at the stream.
Back to game back around.
Yeah, I know that they've had issues where people are like, you know, since they don't have cops, you know, I guess one guy was accused of being a thief.
So he's just being surrounded by these guys with a baseball bat.
Now, if cops were trying to get a baseball bat up holding against the wall threatening with a baseball bat, that would look bad, right?
I think that would look bad.
Sure.
But it's okay because it's guys with man buns.
Yeah.
Not very, not very threatening.
Yeah.
I guess if the cops had man buns, maybe we'd cut them a little more slack.
Well, they're probably holding the baseball bat upside down and everything.
And have you ever?
Yeah.
Have you ever even played a baseball?
I know more about baseball than this guy.
I like this picture of the official chaz medic in full night armor.
There's this guy in a medic?
He's the official chaz medic.
Yeah, I am Sir Bartholomew Medicino.
I don't know.
This feels like satire.
Yeah, I don't know.
That's why it's so hard to.
Yeah, so Domino's Pizza is dropping off loads of pizza.
This sounds like some movie that would be pitched as a screwball comedy in the 90s or something like that.
Yeah.
He pitched the great movie, actually.
The founding of Chaz with, you know, who would be who would star in the 90s screwball comedy?
Sorry, I was looking at the notes here.
Yeah.
Yeah, that works.
The 90s comedy.
Wasn't he dead in the 90s?
Oh, maybe.
It would be like Tim Allen.
Those guys in three amigos.
Would he be like Steve Mark?
It would be Steve Mark.
He would start.
It would be, oh no, it'd be you ever seen that movie Metal Head?
Was it Metalheads?
Airheads.
I never saw it.
It's got Brandon Frazier, Steve Busemi, Adam Sandler.
That's where they're really early 90s.
They're a rock band.
And they basically occupy a radio station to try to force them to play their demo.
They hold them at fake gunpoint.
And it's actually a squirt gun or whatever.
And his name in the movie is Chaz.
I believe.
Wow.
So this was all predicted.
So it should be, yeah, it would be Brendan Fraser, Adam Sandler, and Steve Busemi in the 90s.
Totally do the Chaz movie.
We're going to need an overlay of that, Dan.
So it'd be Char.
It'd be Char instead of Chaz.
It'd be Char.
Char.
We had a guy, a street preacher, declared it a Christ zone, and he got taken to the ground and got a big old, got in a big old fight.
I like the idea that Calvinists are very upset that this is being called the autonomous zone.
Maybe that was his beef.
Nothing's autonomous.
And he's charging in.
This is a Christ zone.
And he got tackled to the ground.
So they didn't want it to be a Christ zone, I guess.
Oh, yeah.
They had these.
These street preaching black ladies that were like saying, Black Lives Matter, can't save you.
Only Jesus will save you.
And they were like, they were going, they were preaching hard.
Do you see those videos?
Were they getting yelled at?
No, they were like, they were talking to these white liberal girls and stuff.
They're like talking about how, we don't like, you know, most of the black people, I don't like abortion.
We're not all for all that stuff.
You say we're about.
It was actually when they gave me the idea for the article that came out that we just, I just put it out.
A new program that helps African Americans adopt a white liberal to speak on their behalf.
Because you can see the look on the white lady's face.
Like, I'm supposed to be talking for you.
Like, you shouldn't be having your own thoughts.
This isn't at all what I would put in the word.
These aren't the words I'd put in your mouth.
My favorite part of this whole thing is this warlord.
Now, who gave him the name warlord?
The title?
Yeah, I don't know.
Did you come up with that?
Or did somebody do it?
He had a gun and was walking around.
And is he the guy?
Because I believe there was a guy who they said he's like a sex offender or something.
I don't know, but this guy got canceled for homophobic tweets shortly after.
Oh, snap.
So I like how you were saying that nations change their name like, you know, hundreds of years and you have some big, and they just like went through this very rapid.
They've changed their leader.
They've changed their name already.
Like it was like a three-day little picture of what a whole nation goes through in like a thousand years.
So maybe they're going to go through all of it.
They're going to go all the way up to like revolution.
Slavery is going to happen.
I'm an emancipation war.
Civil war, a whole thing.
They'll atomic bomb themselves at some point and there'll even be like a miniature apocalypse just within the gates of Chad.
Chad's chop.
Now entering the apocalypse and then you have to walk through the gas mask and there's just skeletons glowing green everywhere.
Oh, in like one week.
Yeah, one week later.
In one week.
Could be entertaining.
We really got to get lots of cameras in.
I guess they beat up people with cameras, or at least they don't like it.
But we need it.
It's a reality show that we need.
Supply list.
Have we seen their supply list that they put up?
Yeah, so they have a, they were asking, even though they're supposed to be autonomous, they still wanted some foreign aid from America.
So they had supplies needed, clothes, male pants, male shirts, large.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, gendering.
Please do not gender the pants.
Please.
Ice, the good kind.
The good kind.
What does that mean?
My wife always likes good ice.
She says she wants good ice, and it's like...
I didn't know ice was moral.
Yeah.
She wants morally good.
No one is good, but the Lord, your God.
Well, you know what I mean?
They normally just have the cubes, but some of the places have the little round ones that kind of get pushed through like their little donuts.
Yeah, the weird little donutty ones that they get stuck on your tongue.
She likes those.
Oh, she likes those ones.
Yeah.
I would say that's the bad ice.
You can like chew on it really easily.
It's like it's a little broken up.
So maybe that's what they wanted.
They wanted the good ice.
Okay.
Men's shoes.
Cigarettes plus lighters.
I like how someone else added plus lighters.
Hello, we need lighters.
Lanterns, flashlights, headlamps, portable solar chargers, Gatorade, Gatorade, Electrolyte Powder.
So they needed their energy.
Tents.
Tents was circled by somebody.
Tents.
I like how they need this list.
Is basically everything a human can survive.
Well, that reminds me of Occupy Wall Street a couple of years ago.
Yeah, it is kind of just a repeat of that, right?
Yeah, it is.
They were complaining about corporate America.
They didn't mind you're starting a new country, though.
Sorry, go ahead.
True, true.
But all these people, protesters, were out there in the lawn in the REI sleeping bags and tents with their cell phones, the Apple made that their parents provided who work at these corporations.
Sunglasses.
So there's body wash.
There's also free bags of sprite you can take.
You're going to see this picture.
Take one.
Bag of sprite.
It's a bag of sprite.
It's like, look at this.
Take one.
Bag of sprite.
Bag of sprite.
That's like something my mom would give out on Halloween.
Flat.
Slash.
Take one.
It's just the weirdest choice that she could have come up with.
It's someone that was trying to save money and they bought the big three-liter bottle or whatever.
Like what Kyle used to do.
Like what Kyle used to do.
Yeah.
That's true.
I used to do that.
So are plastic bags okay for the environment, but a plastic cup would not be?
Maybe because I was thinking maybe they don't want to use plastic cups because it's bad for the environment.
Well, it's probably reusable.
That's true in the Ziploc bag.
You can use it as a receptacle later on when you have to go to the bathroom.
It's a circle of sprite.
Just make sure you're a circle of sprite.
Just make sure you label it.
Not to sprite.
Even though the colors might be similar.
See if it's still fizzy.
Take a sprite.
Take a bag, leave a bag.
Bags of recycled sprite.
Oh, man.
So we could go on forever about chazz.
So much chaz.
It's just too much.
Wait, to help protesters stay alive, someone offered to drop off a dairy cow, but the cow refused to go.
What?
The cow refused?
No.
Holy cow.
In my opinion, this is what happens when you lock everybody in their homes for too long.
Then they go out and found a country in Seattle.
Do you see the one?
I don't know if it's on here, but there was a guy who got his stuff stolen.
His laptop, he got like over $400 worth of stuff stolen in his tent.
And he got this note.
He's saying, I got to go.
I can't do this.
You know, stuff's my stuff getting stolen.
And somebody left him a note basically saying, listen, we're really sorry this happened, but you're just, you know, you're doing really good.
And it's probably possible the person that got it needed it more than you did.
And just think of it as an involuntary donation.
Contribution.
Involuntary contribution.
Yeah.
He did say donation, right?
Something like that.
Yeah.
It was like the idea that you're involuntarily donating.
Like, just rethink of being stolen from is that.
Redistribution.
Yeah.
That's how you should look at taxes.
I got a file for my involuntary donation on July 15th.
I've been putting that in my head.
I just got it.
Sorry to depress you.
All right, you guys.
We move on to our next story.
Sure.
You want to read this one down?
You got story there?
I do not.
He's struggling with his printout.
I do not.
Where's the rest of the pages?
Check out that iPad.
You have to ask your mom.
She printed it for me.
Blaming study.
Average father.
But it was that woman you put me with.
The mother of my children.
Your mother.
She's going to listen to this.
Of course.
I say it reverently.
Average father spends only 97% of his time running around house turning off lights.
It seems a little low to me, Kyle.
That was my entire childhood.
Your father turning off.
My father turning off lights and rooms.
It's very simple.
Sounds like a very dark childhood.
It's a very simple thing to solve.
If the light remains on, you just remove the light bulb.
Can I have my iPad back now?
Oh.
I feel naked without it.
Yeah, it's a little different in my house because my wife is a light turner offer more than I am.
She's way more obsessed with that kind of stuff.
Especially I'm when we're late because now that we have those LED lights and they're like way, you know, they're not as bad.
More efficient.
Yeah.
So then I'm like, eh, it's LED.
Well, I got one question.
Who pays the electric bill?
Me and my wife together.
And your family.
Who actually sees it?
Oh, sees the amount of heroes.
And writes the check.
It's true.
Yeah, I guess it's her.
I never see it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So my dad eventually started stealing the kids' light bulbs in their rooms.
What?
So if you left the light on, you did get a warning.
Yeah, he's like, one warning.
Next, I'm taking your light bulb.
I love that.
And it sounds like one of those empty threats that parents say, like, oh, we're turning it around.
Well, turn this car around.
It's a commitment.
If you're going to say that, you got to commit to it.
But he would do it.
You'd go in there and you'd try to flick your light on.
Like, where's the light?
He's stolen the light bulb.
Would it be easier to.
I'm trying to think.
I guess.
I was trying to think if it would be easier to take the light switch out, but yeah, I guess the light bulb is easier.
Yeah, the light bulb is easy.
Depends on the fixture, right?
The fixtures.
I hate getting into those.
There's all the dust and like the, I just don't want to touch it.
I guess we probably mostly had like lamps, floor lamps, or desk lamps or whatever.
Okay.
Yeah, that's a lot easier.
Yeah, for me.
I hate those.
But make sure you do it after it's been off for a while.
Yeah, it burns.
What are your thoughts on energy-efficient light bulbs?
They're cool.
They're very cool.
But I don't like how bright white they are.
Yeah, I don't like the light that comes out of them.
So I like that warm orange light.
Yeah.
So do they have anything that's that orange?
I think they're getting there.
Trying.
They're getting better.
I think they're getting there.
We have a bed lamp that you can actually choose blinding white or soft yellow.
Blinding.
Why would you want lightning?
What would anybody do?
It's an option.
And on my side, it's soft yellow.
And on your mom's side, it's blinding white.
Maybe if it's like, maybe it's a defense feature.
If a bad guy comes into your room, you can hit the turn it to blinding light.
Well, that's what that's what those headlamps are for.
Yeah, so my dad has a collection of flashlights and headlamps, snake lights.
Did you bring any flashlights with you today?
I considered it, but no, I did not.
I was limited in the capacity of my pockets.
I always feel pathetic that the main flashlight I use is on my phone because I know that everything's on your phone.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's kind of cool, though, now that they have the flashlight icon right on the screen and you just boom and you've got the big LED light on the sweet.
Yeah, you've always got it.
That's pretty cool.
When backpacking with Ryan a week ago, we come back from a hike, Andrew and I did.
And in Ryan's tent, you could hear white noise.
He's playing the light noise.
He's played from his phone.
Yeah.
Isn't nature like white noise?
Like, isn't that awesome?
Yeah, that's the good white, especially if it's like ringing or something.
Yeah, it's just perfect.
A brook nearby.
So it'd be funny.
It'd be funny if he was playing nature sounds.
Yeah.
Next to him.
Well, let's jump right into our topic of the week, Father's Day.
It's a pretty good crossover.
Because we're just already talking about it.
Yeah, we're there.
And now, the Babylon bees topic of the week.
So let's continue on these flashlights.
Flashlights, okay.
So I have, you know, we made fun of my dad growing up because teenagers are sarcastic jerks, right?
We make fun of all his little idiosyncrasies.
And then, and then at some point, you realize you've become your father.
Yeah.
You know?
And so, like, I have my little spot in the garage that I go sit now.
And you have your man cave that you go sit at.
I actually have a spot in the garage and the man cave.
Do you have a spot in the garage?
Yeah, you do have a spot in the garage.
Yeah.
And the man cave.
Depending on my mood.
Depending where you want to go.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
So growing up, we didn't get it.
You know, so we'd go into the garage and it'd be completely dark.
And all of a sudden, my dad's headlamp, he would click on his headlamp and he'd be sitting in the corner.
In the corner dark, he'd be sitting in the corner in the dark.
I don't know why you were in the dark.
Is he a serial killer?
He could be.
He could be.
I don't remember the dark thing.
Everything else I remember, but you'd see, or you'd, or you'd get up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water or something.
You'd be out on the couch, like shining the light.
All of a sudden, this headlamp on?
His headlamp would go on, and he'd see you just blinding.
Ah, he ever used the infrared or the red ones.
He's got the red.
Keeps your night vision.
So, one cool thing about my dad is, you know, we'll talk about what he does.
He's an engineer.
But he likes space.
So he's got the telescopes.
And so he'll use the red to because you can't, you know, look up at the stars and screw up your night.
Screw up your night vision.
So is the red, is that what's good for that?
That's for him.
And the red is although technical studies show yellow is actually probably better.
Yellow and orange.
Yellow and orange is better than red.
But for some reason, everybody uses red.
For the telescope looking.
Looks more sci-fi.
For stargazing, yeah.
Yeah, for stargazing.
And if you come into an area where there's telescopes and you got your lights on, everybody scowls at you.
Oh, yeah.
It's like you're not wanted here.
I worked for a telescope manufacturing company for a little while, so I learned all the stuff that I never needed to learn about telescopes.
Which one was it?
A small company called Harden Optical out of abandoned Oregon.
They were trying to become a competitor.
They're trying to make they still exist.
They might.
I think they actually do.
Oh, you've heard of them, huh?
Wow.
I did their early catalogs and like advertisements and stuff.
That's what I got on that topic.
So you were asking if my dad's a serial killer?
Wait.
Yeah, I was.
Yes.
Sorry, I saw something on the notes here.
I've got to be very curious about.
You asked my dad with a serial killer, and I just want to show you his notes.
Wow.
Is this for this show, or what is this?
These are the notes.
I always do my homework for the show.
Wow.
So many different highlights.
This is very serial killer.
He's very ready to go.
Yeah.
Status.
There's no photographs of like a Victorian woman with her eyes scratched out.
Yeah.
With pen or anything.
That'd make it more serial kill.
There's no yarn connecting thing.
Yarn.
Yeah.
That's all.
That's FBI.
Yeah.
Photographs.
Usually I can keep a photographs of me at a cafe sitting alone.
Little slow ground.
Yeah, they scratch things into the wall.
They have all these.
But it all makes sense to them.
You know, because they're like sociopaths.
It's like, oh, this all makes sense.
They like to cross the eyes out.
Yeah, cross the eyes out and write until the pen's gone through the paper into the wood.
Or the guy in Beautiful Mind.
That was more Beautiful Mind than Serial Killer.
That was more eclectic.
Right.
Right.
All right, Beautiful Mind.
We'll go with the positive.
So what caught your eye in the notes?
That some of these initialisms and acronyms.
Yeah, we're going to talk about initialisms.
A lot of these sounded really bad.
You don't want to, what, what caught your eye there, Ethan?
Okay, so we'll just go down the list.
What's STB?
Oh, straight to bed.
Straight to bed.
That's a famous manism.
It's like your kids are coming out with some STBs tonight.
We would get home from wherever we were at.
We'd pull up in our van into the driveway.
And I would shout STB.
And they all knew what that meant.
So there were probably hundreds of these that are lost in time.
Like these initialisms that he would use and go, STB, LT5.
LGBT LT5.
I don't know how it should do that.
So do you say these?
Does this come from like engineering?
Is this?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And when I started working in 1982, my first day on the job, everybody's talking about SRBs, ETs, SSV, and I'm just kind of like, what the heck is that?
So your mind just automatically turns things into.
And so after being immersed in that for years, you can't help but come home and you're thinking to yourself, oh, it's time.
We got to go straight to bed.
And STB.
So you abbreviates everything.
It just comes out.
So if I say a sentence, do you already know what the abbreviation is?
No, I'm trying to get how far how into beautiful mind this is.
Yeah, some people, that's like, doesn't require any effort.
I actually have to think about it.
You have to think about it.
But it is kind of knee-jerk default reaction.
So how much time a day do you save by abbreviating these phrases?
What do you do with all that spare time?
At the end of the day, you're like, I saved a good 20 minutes today abbreviating things.
Yeah.
Well, when you have to write something over and over and over and over again, like solid, like solid rocket boosters.
So you don't have to write solid rocket boosters?
Yes.
You just type SRB.
And everybody knows.
And then when you start speaking it, you don't say it every single time.
Okay.
External tank.
ET.
Not extraterrestrial.
External tank.
Now, are these company specific?
Or if you went to someone in a different company in aerospace.
They are not company specific.
There can be, but they generally are not.
They're generally, you know, a niche industry.
So people in aerospace part of industry would know that.
Like if I went up to Seattle for the Boeing commercial jetliner, they would have acronyms I wouldn't understand.
Some of them I would understand.
Could you have a conversation with someone entirely abbreviated?
Like H. H. H-A-Y.
Yeah.
Since I'm immersed in it, I don't recognize it.
But I've heard that when people from outside come in and they're new or whatever, like there's a new guy that I'm working with at work, and he comes from the research side of Boeing.
And we're in the space side, and he's helping us out.
And I'm just talking, and he's like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
What is ML?
So within the department, there may be specific.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
So, okay, so this next one.
Can we say this on the podcast?
You have to say the initials.
Just the letters, but people can spell.
They can spell.
I think I can guess which one does.
T. I-T-S.
Time in the saddle.
Time in the saddle?
Saddle.
So when you ride bikes, you sit on a saddle.
The bike seat is called a saddle.
So the story behind this one is...
It's a practical application of that.
So, okay, this is because...
Like, what are you doing?
He's got a home.
his beautiful mind turns things into initials automatically you'll hear a phrase and then like most many has certain things in his mind He'll hear a phrase and then immediately just say the initials.
I'm like, oh, that's da-da-da-da.
Especially if it's like just a common phrase.
No, but you got to understand.
You wouldn't do it with just.
But don't you leave the out of acronyms usually?
So it shouldn't just be T-I-S or even just in the would be taken out.
The gets emphasis.
That's too.
Yeah.
It's more provocative.
So I don't remember the exact story, but he was talking to my brother about how much time they spent on the bike or something.
And he's like, oh, I can spend some time in the saddle, some old T, and just blurts it out.
But his mind, he hasn't caught up to what it says.
He's just saying the letters and everybody just, I'm like, what?
What?
What?
They're like, dad.
And I'm like, oh.
Well, we've done that one.
So the next one is MFers.
That's clearly that clearly stands for Millennium Falcon.
Yeah.
So I was wearing.
Why the Urs at the end?
I was wearing a Millennium Falcon shirt and he goes, ah, the old Millennium Falcon.
You're an MFer.
I did do that.
You got to understand it's completely innocent.
Yeah, it's not.
It's oh, shoot.
This reminds me of.
See, this is only two acronyms of the thousand acronyms.
So you're not hearing all the other acronyms.
Yeah.
This is a comedy podcast.
We don't want to just hear that.
Like SMMWE.
What is that?
So many monkeys.
What is that?
Sausage McMuffin with egg.
So do you say that at the drive-thru?
We need two M's for McMuffin.
Yeah, I would think McMuffin is just.
Well, they're both capitalized.
If it's like Nick.
It's true.
Whatever.
Like an Irish person's last name.
You don't say M.
Yeah.
G or whatever.
Did I ever tell a story when my stepdaughter used to do that with bad words?
She would say the A word or the B word or whatever.
So she's my stepdaughter.
Her dad would teach her all these other words are bad words.
And stop me if I've told this because I know I told other places.
So any word that was like at all, like hate was H word.
You know, stupid is the S word.
So she'd come home and be like, all these people are using the S word and the H word and the D word.
And like we find out what they were and they were kind of these simple words.
They weren't fairly square words.
So one day I came home in a new shirt that Jess had picked out for me.
She picks out good shirts for me.
And she goes, you know, they both thought I looked really good in this new shirt.
And she's five at this age.
And she goes, she whispers to her mom, Mom, I think Ethan's very handsome, even though he's the F word.
She meant to say fat.
Even though he's the O word.
He's the O word.
Wait, what's that?
Obese.
Obese, yeah.
M-O.
Even though he's MO.
Sorry, I felt bad saying obese.
That would just be implying.
It's a medical term.
He made me say you're a doctor.
I mean, you're with the medical community.
So my dad put the space shuttle into orbit.
Let's talk about that.
Okay.
So all my friends growing up thought my dad was an astronaut because I'd say my dad does he put the space shuttle into orbit.
He would come and do a presentation at our elementary schools.
Okay.
Like showing, oh, here's the space shuttle and all that.
Yeah, bring little trinkets to hand out.
So then I was the cool kid all the way up until the space shuttle becomes not cool, like maybe junior high or high school.
I was the cool kid whose dad was an astronaut, even though he's not.
Yeah, when kids turn to skateboards and yeah, yeah, like those are so cool.
Anything board related, board games.
Pretty much as soon as the wheel was invented, skateboards could have been invented, right?
It's so basic.
Who cares about skateboards?
They're dumb.
I'm taking a hard stance.
Taking a hard stance on skateboarding.
Somebody has something they need to deal with.
Yeah.
Girls like flock to guys.
They got a skateboard.
They put a skateboard right there.
Somebody got to get one of those.
Somebody hasn't dealt with their past.
Yeah, I got issues.
Do you want to talk about it?
We're here.
I mean, we're here for you, man.
I'm just speaking up for all the people out there who don't have skateboards and deserve to be also treated like they're cool.
They were discriminated against because of skateboard supremacy.
Well, that's what calculators were for.
Look at that calculator.
Because he's got some molecules of human fingers all over that thing.
This was primary in college.
And you could program these things.
This was primary.
What does that mean?
That means this is what.
Is that in the shot, Dan?
Should you hold it by his face?
This is your head's in the shot.
So there you go.
This is what's cool in college.
That's the cool.
Like that would get you girls right there.
Like they'd see that in this.
I don't.
I don't know.
I don't know about that, but it was cool.
That's like the Lexus of calculators.
Like rappers of the time were rapping about that calculator.
What kind of calculator is that?
It still works?
Does it still work?
Yeah.
Why is it cool?
Oh, those are tiny numbers.
Texas instruments.
I'm grabbing my Lexus.
Got my instruments from Texas.
It's a diamond necklace.
It's programmable.
We used to program it to land the lunar module on the moon.
Oh, so it has a bunch of extra features I wouldn't understand.
Yep.
I was just going to type 8008 and laugh.
Oh, T-I-T-S.
What has happened in this podcast?
It took me a second.
But yeah, yeah, if you can't skateboard, you just get one of these.
And we used to have little pouches.
You'd put them on your belt, your belt loop, and they'd hang down.
So you have like a holster for that.
Like it's a lethal weapon.
What was your first calculator?
It was a Commodore.
I worked three months on the farm, made 50 bucks over the whole summer, and went and bought the first calculator in high school.
The first.
Like the first?
Yeah, off the calculator.
The first one that I ever explained.
It was a four-function calculator.
We've invented it.
Who will buy the first one?
The calculator.
There's a four-function.
I'm ignoring you.
It was a four-function calculator.
Had the basic four functions, these orange keys.
I don't use those ones.
Or do I do?
Yeah.
What, plus, minus?
You don't use it?
Yeah, I use those ones.
I never use any of these.
I don't know what any of these mean.
And then it had one special key.
It had one special key on it that no other calculators at that time had.
What was it?
Called the CE key.
So what does CE do?
Does it like it?
Clear everything.
Clear everything.
Is that clear entry?
Oh.
I never know which tool.
There's like a C and a C E, there's a couple of them.
That's what started you on your path of mission.
The first acronym right there.
I never know what they do, so I always said all the ones that seem to clear it.
Whenever I need to clear, I'm like, What's the difference between C and C E?
CE clears the last number you entered because you made a mistake and you wouldn't have to start all over again.
But so C would clear everything on it.
Yeah, yeah.
Don't hit that.
But it's clear entry.
Oh, that's a CLR.
Oh, wait.
What's the CLR?
That's like C is clear.
Clear entry.
Wait, no.
So entry is the last thing you entered.
Yeah, the last number.
And CLR.
So if you're adding a bunch of numbers and you go add, C, you just clear the last one.
The last, like if you put in 77, and you're like, oh, no, I meant you put in 78, you meant 77.
Basically, almost like if you had a backspace.
Exactly.
Exactly.
He's got it.
So your calculator plugged into the wall.
They didn't want to put BS on there.
Backspace, yeah.
Isn't that BKP?
BSKP?
I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what it is.
All right.
So that's his one thing.
He brought a box of stuff.
Yeah, we're going to get into some of this.
Okay.
So what did you do on the space shuttle?
What exactly do you do?
I was a structural loads on dynamic analysis analyst.
What does that mean?
And basically, it means you sit at a computer eight hours a day running programs that solve second-order differential equations with a SOD.
Like if a really fat guy got on there, make sure it all holds together.
So you can calculate.
Exactly.
How many Ethan's?
Because I could have you work on my chair.
How many Ethans could you launch into orbit?
You'd have to get the shuttle and Ethens up to 17,500 miles an hour to achieve orbit.
So you know how fast you have to velocity you have to reach.
That's right.
So when you watched this new launch that just happened, the Elon Musk one, did you have special understanding of what was either impressive about it?
Oh, totally.
Everybody.
I guess.
If you're a rocket scientist, you understand how much energy it requires.
Like, especially for that one he did a year or two ago that put his car into orbit.
It actually goes into orbit out past Mars, his Tesla.
Oh, really?
You have to go watch it.
It was like February 2018.
It was a Falcon Heavy, three rockets tied together, and he put his Tesla on top with a dummy sitting in it.
Isn't that littering?
Yeah, yeah.
And he launched it into orbit.
It goes out past Mars and then...
Huh.
Did it come back?
It goes around the sun.
Okay.
Because my understanding is that he made that one rocket that it came back, right?
Yeah.
Automatically came back.
Yeah.
And the coolest part about the one two years ago, I understand you're talking about the one that he just happened, right?
Is that the first time he pulled that off?
No.
On a launch?
Oh, I guess he probably tested it, I'm sure.
With the Tesla, it is, yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, that was the first time.
But with that particular launch, everybody was talking about it.
Even I was in NASA meetings at the time, and we all stopped to go watch Elon launch his Tesla.
It's like the Super Bowl for other people.
Yeah, the big party.
I still have no Super Bowl.
And the coolest, I still get, I still tingle when I think about when I think about watching both of he had three rockets to go up to launch his Tesla.
One of them then came back to land on a barge in the ocean and two of them landed at the launch site.
And they have a, you can probably get the video.
I'm sure, I'm sure it's out there.
And you can see both of these rockets come back near the launch site and like stick the landing.
Oh, from the Tesla one.
Yeah.
Oh, I didn't even really.
On the ground at the same time, boom.
Wow.
And it's just like, holy cow, how did he do that?
Wow.
Yeah.
So he just left his car floating in space.
His car is still in orbit.
So his hope is he's going to be able to go get it.
It's kind of like when you put something up, like your house up for a collateral or whatever.
It's like, okay, I'm going to achieve a point where I can get up there and drive around space.
But just to prove it, just to give myself incentive, I'm going to put my car up there.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's got it.
I'll be back.
He's got great plans.
He is going to Mars, but I don't know if he's going to get his Tesla.
What about boring?
He's going to dig a bunch of holes around LA.
We can all drive underground.
Yeah, I haven't heard much about that lately.
Yeah, they don't talk a lot about that.
But he was trying that.
The great thing about Elon is he's not afraid to fail.
Just try it.
Just go try it.
Don't mess around.
Don't waste time.
Give me a kid, whatever.
The problem, and I've said this at work many, many times.
The problem with the American space program right now is we are afraid to fail.
And NASA has to be perfect.
And we can't have any mistakes.
And that's extremely time consuming and extremely costly to make that work.
Elon's like, go blow stuff up.
And this is kind of what the space program was in the 50s and 60s was go, we blew stuff up.
Go watch all those videos.
Not on purpose.
Not on purpose.
Not ISIS.
But you go and try something.
There's a spectrum between Elon Musk and ISIS.
Where is he on the spectrum?
So if you had like billions of dollars, you would basically be Elon Musk.
Like you're pretty jealous of what he's able to do here.
Yeah, but he's got a spirit of adventurism that most of us don't have.
So you wouldn't do that.
You would just build them on a ranch.
I'm a fairly conservative straight-laced.
I don't like to spend money.
Ask your mom.
You would just bury the money in a ranch somewhere and not tell anybody it's there.
Yeah, I would make that mistake.
Would you hire a team of scribes to write down transcriptions of podcasts and stuff so you can go read the audience?
Exactly.
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
Do you have any cool space shuttle stories?
Do you mean like any of the famous astronauts?
Have you heard that story?
I don't know.
What's the story?
Well, I was at work and I heard that Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon, was out in the lab.
Any relation to Buzz Lightyear?
No.
Buzz Aldrin went to the moon and beyond.
He didn't go to infinity and beyond.
Did he go beyond?
He didn't really go beyond that.
He just went to the moon.
He thinks, yeah, right.
Well, as you're standing on the moon orbit around it, right?
That's right.
Hop up a little bit.
And now you're beyond.
Well, they orbited around it, so they went.
That's beyond.
Just beyond.
I think he was the guy who took a golf club to the moon and snuck it on the.
That's how he got all the craters.
He snuck it on the limb.
Now, what if the Apollo craft couldn't take off because it was one golf club too heavy?
I don't know what happened.
We didn't have enough thrust.
It was like there was a golf club.
Well, it's hilarious if you listen to the video of Apollo 11 landing on the moon.
In the background, you can hear the mission control continually saying, alarm 2001, alarm 2010, alarm 2017, alarm 20, you know, 44, whatever.
And that's basically the computer on the looter lander that was trying to land on the moon probably had 2K of RAM, basically memory.
And it was trying to do all these computations to land on the moon and not crash.
And the computer was overloading.
And every time it overloads, it has to basically just stop doing stuff.
And so all these codes meant something to them, like, I am no longer doing this.
I am no longer doing that.
I'm no longer.
And all I'm doing is firing thrusters and keeping you level.
And Neil Armstrong's hearing all of this stuff, trying to land and pick a spot to land.
And he was about 10 seconds beyond from what I understand where he was supposed to be because he didn't like the spot that the thing had chosen.
And so he flew it a little bit further and then landed.
And everybody was, you know, you know the rest of the story how it worked out.
But Buzz Aldrin was on that.
And I heard he was out in the lab where I work.
And somebody said, hey, Buzz is out here if you want to meet him.
I'm just kind of like, you know, do I?
Do I ever?
So I go out there and I'm pretty calm.
You know, people are just people.
My parents told me everybody puts their pants on one leg at a time unless you're a firefighter.
And everybody's the same.
Everybody.
Do firefighters not put their pants on?
Pretty much.
They jump in two legs at once.
Guys are in a hurry.
They're trained.
I just figured it out.
That's right.
They slide down the pole right into the pants.
Also, one-legged people don't put.
That would be the critically, politically correct.
Well, they'd still do one leg at a time, right?
It's just the only three-legged people.
I mean, whatever.
I'd be the same.
Legless people.
So, you know, everybody.
Double amputees.
People are just people.
I don't really care who you are.
We're all special in God's eyes, but nobody's extra special except Christ himself.
And so I go down.
This guy was amazing.
So it's like Christ, Buzz Aldrin.
So I go down, I go into the lab, and he's standing over there along with some congressmen.
And there's a few people milling around.
And I walk up and I am so freaked out and starstruck, I just, you know, I kind of just look down, I grab his hands, and I just said, Brent man, 33 years on the space shuttle program, and I walk away.
I'm trying to think what that is.
That's why I never want to meet people like that.
What's the equivalent for us?
Like, if you met.
Well, you've guys met a lot of people here.
It's like Norm McDonald or something.
Normal.
You guys get to talk to and meet a lot of Kyle Manbabel and be editor.
That's the weird thing about doing this, though.
You meet when you have some of the podcasts.
You have to pretend like you have to be pretend.
Yeah, you can't.
You can't be that way.
That's right.
You have to meet you, act like you have this rapport.
People have to sense, you know, that you're cool.
You're comfortable.
So you just have to throw that out the window.
Fake the comfort.
That's hard.
That's definitely one of the weird things.
I'm not like that naturally advanced.
There's probably somebody that you guys would interview.
And it might not be the same person for each of you where you would try hard.
You would try really hard, but.
I don't know.
When you interview, you go into a different mode.
Like you just, you know, you're- You're professional because you're professional.
Because really what's happening when you're interviewing is you are talking to the person in front of you, but really, we're all talking to the people listening.
Yeah.
It's weird.
The audience changes.
It's just a different dynamic.
So you go into a different, different.
Yeah.
I think I could go say hi and look Trump in the eye and wouldn't phase me.
But you go and talk to Neil Armstrong.
It would have been the same way.
If I'd got a chance to meet him, I would just be tongue-tied.
Well, we have a surprise for you.
He's here right now.
It's the third time I've used that joke.
Sad.
Though they haven't aired yet, so nobody would know.
All right, let's look at your cell phone.
And then we'll go to our hate mail and then we'll go to some cool stuff in the subscriber portion.
So fathers are known for like hanging on to cell phones forever.
I still have all the ones I've had.
They're on the junk drawer.
Yeah, but he still uses like his old phones.
Is this your current one?
It's in a plastic bag?
Yeah.
Okay, so let's talk about it.
So we have your current phone plastic one.
Well, you know, you guys pay, you know, what is it, an extra 50 bucks to get water resistance?
Do you know how much these things cost?
Like to get a case.
Well, I get a case so that if I drop it, it doesn't break.
All right.
So that's $100.
Yeah, $7,500.
Yeah.
Yeah.
These are like a half a penny.
But does that keep it from breaking?
It keeps dust, moisture, and other undesirables from getting into your phone.
Undesirables.
It's also sexy.
Okay, so this is actually a real- That's right.
I don't skateboard.
I don't skateboard, so.
Yeah, you don't have to worry about it.
You're married.
This is a relatively new phone for you, right?
Yeah, this is your grandma's old phone.
And you got that four years ago?
When my original smartphone died, the Palm Trio.
So you had a Palm Trio for 10 years.
10 years.
The first smartphone.
Then with like tons of little buttons.
Yeah, that's why I like it.
It had a keyboard, like a Blackberry, right?
Right.
Yeah.
And then thinking of a Blackberry.
And you could load apps onto it, but they were on cards.
That's right.
So you actually bought the physical card and brought your apps with you.
And then you went, oh, I want to use this app.
Really?
I had my stargazing apps on there.
I had 12 different Bible translations.
I had- Aijicard?
Sometimes, sometimes it would load in.
I'm going to use the King James now.
And I had, believe it or not, I had PowerPoint, Excel, and Word.
Did you have a baggie for each card?
Were they all in one baggie?
I like the techniques that people come with to not lose tiny things and to put it in a big thing.
Which totally ruins the whole point of making it tiny in the first place.
R-T-A-T-Q.
Right there at the refuse to answer that question.
Okay.
Is that engineering?
It's an acronym.
No, I just made it.
If you're at a congressional hearing, I'm glad you pre-screened it, hopefully.
Yeah.
I don't screen any of them.
They just come out.
Yeah.
Okay.
We got the other phones.
Yeah.
Yeah.
A lot of people had these 20 years ago.
So it's just.
It's classic.
I don't know what it is with DevOps.
We used to have kids.
That's when the phone was a phone.
That's the heck of when a phone was a phone.
Wasn't all those other.
I was really bummed when they wouldn't support that phone anymore.
So what's your resistance to the smartphone?
Like from what you'd like about the palm trio, I think you would like a smartphone.
I have a very small digital footprint.
So you don't want to be on the grid?
I am not.
Well, now you're on a very fast.
I can't just lie on all the information you put on.
Yeah, I have a very, I can't say I don't have an electronic footprint, but I have a very small digital footprint.
Okay.
All right.
I like it.
So you're there because you're a solo killer, you got to kind of keep that stuff.
You don't want people to be able to track you.
Yeah, it's just kind of like, why should you know where I'm at?
Like I was going to get a.
But they can still track you with that, right?
Anytime you have a cell tower or anything, this is true.
This is true, which is, you know, I try to keep them.
I try to keep them at bay.
I turn it on off all the time.
Just turns it off.
This is true.
They might be watching me.
They know right now that I'm or where I'm in the Babylon B compound.
And plus, does your car have any kind of tracking on it?
No.
Okay.
But the new ones do.
The other new ones, yeah.
Yeah.
It's inescapable.
Yeah.
All my vehicles are at least 13 years old.
Okay.
Is there a way?
There's probably like a YouTube hack where it's like, get the tracker out of your car, like stab it right here and twist and then pull it out and then rip the guts out and stomp it 30 times and burn it.
And then you're good.
You're good.
Not to bring the mood down, but we are talking about Father's Day.
I do want to mention my dad.
My dad is like 20 years older than you.
He was born in 1940.
Whoa.
So he was 40 when I was born.
Whoa.
And people know me for Axcott because I have a brother who's 24 years younger than me.
So he's a mature season.
He was in his mid-60s when he had Malachi.
So he's pretty old now.
He's in his 80s now.
And we just got word that he's got, the doctor just kind of threw a number out, but he has basically had issues with his brain for a while.
It's very hard to communicate with him now.
He can't think very well.
He can't get words out.
But he has a new issue on his spine that he can't, they can't operate on it.
So the doctor threw out the number of a year.
We don't know how long it's going to be.
So just asking for prayers that we're going to be able to get up there and see him, you know, before we lose him, you know.
Or Oregon?
He's in Washington.
So, so yeah, so prayers for my dad.
And I'm very thankful for my dad.
He's a huge, hilarious character.
And I'll have more dad's stories.
But I have the advantage of having this audience to like pray.
And I just want to be able to, I really hope we can get up there to see him before, you know, because just he could be any day now, really.
Yeah, I remember your stories last year that you told on your second episode.
Oh, yeah.
I told a lot of dad's stories back.
We really focused on my dad last time.
Yeah, it was like the therapy episode or something.
Cool.
Yeah, your dad sounds very fun and creative.
A free spirit.
My parents are both very free spirits.
Yeah.
He had no problem with living in a van.
Didn't he tell you stories?
He'd make up stories on the spot.
That was because we didn't have, he lived in a van, so we didn't have a lot of books laying around.
So we'd sit there and he'd just make them up.
That's where Axe Cop came from.
Yeah, I do think that there's that spirit that came into, yeah, Malachi.
Yeah, just the idea that you just make it up, just have fun.
It'll be fun.
Just throw ideas out there.
Awesome.
Yeah.
All right, let's go on to hate mail and then we'll dig into some more dad stuff in the subscriber portion.
I really miss Adam Ford.
All right, so we wrote an article that Bibles are pulled from shelves.
Bibles have been pulled from store bookshelves for the outdated idea that all humans are of one race and made in the image of God.
And the article got snoped, and a lot of people thought it was real.
I don't know why.
Because it could happen, maybe.
I don't know.
Well, I don't, I mean, I would see Bible.
You think that you would seem ridiculous enough, but also, people are just so touchy.
Yeah.
Well, I guess I get like people having this fear that Bibles would be pulled for bookstores from bookstores, but they wouldn't be pulled because the outdated idea that we're going to be able to do.
The outdated races are one race and made in the image of God.
Like, that's such a it would be pulled for different reasons than that.
Wouldn't be that blatant.
So we got a friendly email from a Barnes and Noble employee.
Because you decided to put Barnes and Noble on it.
Even though they did nothing to deserve this.
The article says nothing about Barnes and Noble, but in the image, there's a logo.
There's a Barnes Noble logo on the little sign that says, I had to pick a bookseller because they're the only ones left.
I mean, what are you supposed to do?
Yeah.
Anyway, so here's an email from an angry Barnes Noble employee.
I just wanted to write and thank you for adding on to the already significant amount of stress I have been under.
As a Barnes Noble bookseller, I am already overworked and underpaid.
And I now have the added pleasure of being screamed at by Bible thumpers.
I don't know if you're not anymore, though.
I know, right?
Overworked.
You probably just stand in there all day.
Yeah.
Drinking lattes.
I now have the added pleasure of being screamed at by Bible thumpers not wearing masks during a global pandemic thanks to your most recent viral post.
I sure hope you got the clicks and the shares needed to increase ad revenue on your site so my suffering isn't in vain.
But in all seriousness, flowerbed.
You Dan must have been sleeping.
There were nicer ones because we did get a warming.
We got a few of these.
We got like three or four upset Barnes Noble employees.
And some were a lot nicer than this one.
Viral post.
How does he know it was a viral post?
I guess it meant was it viral?
It must have been getting shared.
It's getting to them.
It did get snoped.
Yeah.
Got snoped.
So do you think there were really Bible thumpers in the bookstore screaming?
I'm curious what the actual, how many there were.
Yeah, because I like the visual of like the guy ripping his mask off.
You are the devil.
And I love that strange aside, like Bible thumpers not wearing masks during a global pandemic.
Like that's my fault or that's our fault.
Like they need to remove the mask to scream or they just don't wear them because they're because they're Bible thumpers.
They don't care.
They think Jesus is going to protect them.
Something like that.
Well, sorry, Barnes and Noble.
You changed the image, right?
I did change the logo so people wouldn't.
Yeah, I felt sorry for these people.
I feel sorry for them.
Yeah, if Bronson will do something to deserve it, I would totally feel okay with it.
Sure.
We try to Jenny and Eric's bookstore.
Jen and Eric.
Jen and Eric.
It's a punch.
Generic.
Jen and Eric bookstore.
I like it.
I think I get it.
Generic.
Jin for.
It's like generic.
Yeah, like Jin.
Yeah.
It was a pun.
It was play on words.
I was going for the dad joke, you know.
Oh, then it'd be G-E for Jen and Eric.
G-E's bookstore.
And then General Electric would get J-E.
Shouldn't overthink the dad joke.
You can never.
We'll get into dad jokes.
Coming up here.
We're going to talk about advice for fathers.
We're going to talk about dad jokes.
Talk about some more cool stuff about dads.
We're going to see what else your dad brought in his box of goods.
I think he might have some duct tape in there.
And I also have a question about my dad being a Christian in the STEM field.
The STEM field.
All right.
Science.
I brought a book about that.
You did.
All right.
All right.
Here we go.
The rest of this podcast is in our super exclusive premium subscriber lounge.
If you're not a Babylon Bee subscriber, go to BabylonB.com slash plans for full-length ad-free podcasts.
Access to our headline forum, 20% off the items in the Babylon Bee store, a gift, and more.
Please drop us a review on iTunes and share the podcast with a friend.
Feedback and love mail go to podcast at Babylonbee.com.
Follow Ethan at AxCop and Kyle at the underscore Kyle underscore man on Twitter.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.