This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast for the week of 4/15/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle talk about the great void in humor we sense as Bernie drops out of the race, how Biden is making the face mask regulations work for him when he wants to smell everyone, and how Trump finally solved his press briefing woes. Kyle and Ethan also talk about weird news like screaming goats taking over a Welsh town and also chat with comedian boomer Jeff Allen. In the subscriber portion, Kyle and Ethan talk about the latest open thread premium post about Good Friday for Babylon Bee subscribers, circumcision, Mediterranean food. and some unused headlines. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle and Ethan talk about milk production, goose racism, and word associations. Ethan also gives combat tips against geese. Kyle and Ethan talk about their Easter celebrations in quarantine. Stuff That's Good - Kyle: 90s CCM Albums Ethan: Best Worst Movie Weird news- Ethan inspires a soundbyte and a new segment. Coronavirus lockdown spurs police in England to dye 'Blue Lagoon' black to deter Instagrammers Mountain goats use coronavirus lockdown to take over Welsh town, video shows Mum who gave birth during coronavirus lockdown calls child 'Covid Bryant' Story 1 - Bernie Tests Negative For President : Presidential Hopeful and Socialist Bernie Sanders had his entire campaign derailed after getting back the results from a routine medical exam. Overall he had a clean bill of health but he did test negative for President. Bernie Sanders dropped out finally and endorsed Joe Biden! Since we may not see Bernie again, here are some Bernie Sanders greatest hits… Bernie Sanders Drops Out Of Race To Spend More Time With His Many, Many Houses Bernie Sanders Drops Out As Campaign Goals Of Locking Everyone Up, Destroying Economy Already Achieved Bernie Vows To Rebuild Berlin Wall '80s Movie Night Gets Awkward As Bernie Sanders Keeps Rooting For All The Villains Bernie Sanders Hastily Adds Right To An Abortion At Any Time To Copy Of The Constitution Bernie Sanders Unveils New Plan To Levy Special Tax On Anyone Who Makes More Money Than Bernie Sanders Nike Releases Bernie Sanders Signature Shoe That Helps You Survive Under Socialism Bernie Sanders Arrives In Hong Kong To Lecture Protesters On How Good They Have It Under Communism Bernie Sanders Praises China For Eradicating Poverty By Killing All The Poor People Bernie Sanders Leaps Into Wood Chipper To Reduce Carbon Footprint Bernie Sanders's Acme Rocket Explodes In His Face In Yet Another Failed Attempt To Catch A Billionaire Sanders Clarifies His Gulags Will Be Democratic Gulags Bernie Sanders Supporters Defend How He Always Wears A Top Hat And Monocle And Carries Around Bags With Dollar Signs On Them Bernie Sanders Praises Slave Owners For Free Housing Program Disheveled And Covered In $100 Bills, Bernie Sanders Claims He Was Attacked By A Group Of Billionaires Dems Combine Into Giant Mech To Annihilate Bernie Sanders Bernie Sanders Yelling At Kids To Get Off His Many, Many Lawns Bernie Sanders Banned From Fortnite For Throwing All The Other Players Into Gulags Bernie Sanders Takes Quiet Moment To Seek Advice From Portraits Of His Favorite Dictators Story 2 - Biden Cuts Hole In Mask So He Can Still Sniff People's Hair : Democratic presidential front-runner Joe Biden has agreed to wear a CDC-approved N95 ventilator mask. However his staff was troubled when he cut a nose-shaped hole out of his mask so that he could still sniff people's hair. This one went nuts. Burned Bernie Bros have been taking to social media to complain about Joe Biden too. We need to make a mask that looks like you have a bat hanging out of your mouth Is everyone complying with wearing masks out in public? Jesus not obeying the shelter in place order Story 3 - Trump Installs Ejection Seats Throughout Press Briefing Room : After several tumultuous press briefings with a combative media, President Donald Trump has sought to solve the ongoing conflict by reaching out a hand ... and pressing a red button on his podium that ejects journalists into space on rocket-powered chairs. Usual characters trade jabs with president at his press briefings with coronavirus task force. Yamiche from PBS has been sparring with him about ventilators. Mike Lindell the MyPillow guy retooled his 75% of his factory to make masks and gave some off the cuff remarks about reading the Bible and looking to God during this time, the media went apoplectic. CNN's Jim Acosta, another usual character, accused Trump of engaging in "happy talk" and painting a rosy picture despite personal protective equipment shortages. Trump slammed him. Interview of the Week - Millennial Kyle and Gen X Ethan talk to boomer and comedian Jeff Allen about life in America changing, Jesus saving Jeff out of alcoholism, and keeping comedy clean. Love Mail/Hate Mail/ Feedback - We get a neutral mail teasing us with knowledge of Carman. People! If you have stories about Carman, send a short audio file or email to podcast@babylonbee.com !!! Paid-subscriber portion (Starts at 01:24:54) Open Discussion Thread; Good Friday Some Unused Headlines and sneak peak at upcoming headlines in our drafts Mediterranean food and circumcision Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
In a world of fake news, this is news you can trust.
Grilling up hamburgers of truth in a world of vegan deception.
You're listening to the Babylon Bee with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
Welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast, the podcast where we cover the news more thoroughly than anybody else in the world.
That's right.
Even more thoroughly than the stuff they, the coding that they put on magazines and newspapers.
Is that pretty thorough?
The coding, Ethan?
To keep the ink from smearing when you read it.
To keep your greasy fingers from getting all greasy all over it.
So what kind of coding is that?
Let's move on.
That was just an analogy.
I thought you meant coding, like programming.
No, coding.
God.
Coating.
Waxy.
Culting.
I don't know, it's already, nobody reads magazines and newspapers.
Yeah, that's true.
It's gone.
I was just trying to tag team off of you.
You were talking.
Yeah, you know, we're riffing.
I'm trying to riff.
It's Monday morning.
I'm tired.
We spent hours writing this bit about coding.
We did not.
No, we didn't.
Ethan just, his brain, I mean, I think if I said that line to like 3 million people, you would be the only one who would go to magazines.
Magazine coding.
What covers the news more than if I just did a word association game with people and I said thoroughly, and you would be the only one to go, oh yeah, like magazine.
Were you already thinking about this?
Like, this is something that came in and when you were podcasting, you just have to jump on what comes into your head and it's not a talent of mine.
Possums or porcupines.
You just go with it.
Right.
Nice.
Porcupines.
Hugging your father.
Oh.
Because it's like a porcupine.
Yeah, no, this is.
I saw the connection there.
Connection.
That's great.
Yeah.
Well, this is a podcast where we cover the news by reading Babylon Bee headlines.
Yeah, and it's not a satire podcast.
People there, if this is your first time listening, this is hanging out with the Babylon B writers because some weird people want to do that.
I see that all the time.
It's not a market you would think that there would be any demand for, but apparently there is.
Yeah, so we understand.
When I see battery views, I'm like, oh, I totally get it.
I understand what you're saying.
But I'm always shocked at the good ones.
And we have so many good ones.
So I'm just riding along on this.
We're going to ride this.
We're going to milk this puppy until people figure out that we don't know what we're doing.
Have you ever milked a puppy?
We're going to milk this puppy.
Is that what I said?
Yeah.
Wiener dog milk anyone?
You can milk anything with nipples, Greg.
That's true.
That's from something.
It is.
It is from a non-Christian film.
It's weird that...
Meet the Parents, I think.
Why did we pick cows out of all animals?
Be like, yeah, we'll drink all of their milk.
Hakuni is part.
Like, why wouldn't we just even it out more?
Like, even just take a bit of milk from all the animals and make a mixture or something.
That's the boy.
We have almond.
Yeah, and that's weird because almond doesn't have udders.
There are no udders on an almond.
Yeah.
So I don't think that's actually milk.
That's crushed almond.
Yeah, we really outsource the milk production to the cows.
Yeah, it's really uneven.
And then chickens have it bad because they're having to give up their eggs constantly.
Yeah, there's a big trade depth.
That's why geese are such snobs.
They walk around with their noses in the air because they think, oh, chickens have it horrible because they're garbage.
They're race.
It's racism.
Chickens are a garbage race.
They're not elite like us geese who nobody kills and they should be killed.
I'm glad that we're bringing up the big issues like goose racism.
Goose racism.
I really, I do think that needs to be out there more.
It's what's that word?
Institutional.
Yeah.
The Babylon D podcast is bringing up the real issues that other people are afraid to touch.
I wish we had a goose sound effect right here.
Just to throw that in there.
Well, through the magic of technology, we can add it later.
Or just do that.
It's like an air horn.
Goose fighting an air horn or something.
Have ever told you guys that I used to get picked on by the geese.
Like, they act like school bullies when I would like.
I've heard you rant about geese.
I'd jog around this pond.
And they would be gathered there like a bunch of bullies smoking cigarettes, you know, like ready to take your lunch money.
And I couldn't, and they wouldn't let you buy.
And they put their arms out like they're like, come on, bro.
Like, come at me, bro.
Like, puff their chest out, you know.
One day I decided I wasn't going to take it.
I kicked the goose in the face.
I got up and I, I wasn't even planning.
I got up in like a crane kick pose.
And I just like, whoop!
And that goose's head flopped kind of like a noodle or like an out-of-control fire hose, you know, flopping around.
And it just chased me like it was mad.
Like, hissed at me.
And it chased me around half the pond.
Like, it was just going for me, like, biting at my legs.
So don't kick a goose in the face unless you're ready to like throw down hard.
And I wasn't ready.
I would listen to like a one-minute long podcast.
It's just Ethan's life advice.
And that's why, kids, you should not kick a goose in the face.
Yeah.
Well, I think what the real issue is is they don't have a lot of, like, if you kick a person in the face, they don't have much neck there.
So the face stops.
There's an impact or gravity.
But if you kick a goose in the face, there's no impact because it just flops around.
They don't feel anything.
It just shakes up the rage in their brain, and then they come at you.
So where should you kick a goose?
I would, if I was to do it all over again, I'd kick it right between the legs up into the air.
Well, then they can fly and dive bomb you.
I think what you should do is you should stomp a goose.
I think what you should do, actually, okay, you should grab it by the neck and then slam it into the ground repeatedly.
Like, like, who's the guy?
The railroad track guy?
What?
Tom.
Paul Bunyan.
No, Paul.
Yeah, he's the railroad version of Paul Bunyan.
I don't know.
Yeah, Tom.
Let's just do Paul Bunyan.
Thomas the team.
Like smashing an axe or whatever.
Yeah.
All right.
I wasn't trying to take over the show with goose murdering tips.
So how's your Easter?
You have a good Easter alone in your home?
My Easter.
So we did do streamed church.
We got through most of it.
We got through most of it.
Not a big fan of streamed church, but we do what we have to do nowadays.
But my two-year-old was buck naked the entire time.
He was jumping all over us, terrorizing the whole family, screaming, turn it off, and then he was hitting us, jumping on us.
And then finally, when we got him to leave us alone, first he went into the bathroom and flooded it.
Like he just turned on the sink and somehow clogged it up.
And my wife looked out in the hall.
We saw water coming out into the hallway.
So he had the entire floor at like an inch of water.
And then he went outside and he came running in.
He goes, egg, egg.
And he's like got these eggs in his hands because he had found the eggs that we were supposed to go looking for after the church service.
So at that point, we had to just cut it off.
And like, sorry, pastor, like, mute the pastor.
It's kind of a nice feature, actually.
Yeah, you can mute the pastor.
And I'm sitting there in my bathrobe, you know.
I think we're all going to get real used to that.
And then when we actually go back to church, we're going to be like, oh, man, you can't just mute the pastor.
Yeah.
I got to wear clothes.
Yeah, I got to wear clothes.
The kids got to put his diaper on.
It's just.
But my favorite thing was that he had never experienced the.
Well, I think he didn't remember last year.
So this is his first time really comprehending what was happening.
That there's eggs hidden everywhere and there's candy in them and money.
And he talks cute because he's two.
So he kept, he just kept walking around going like, oh, I take a moy egg.
I get the moy egg.
Like, he's saying I want to get more eggs.
No, he's saying a moy egg.
Yeah.
He kept saying a moy egg.
In our family, it was hilarious.
We kept singing, that's a moy egg, singing the song.
That's a more.
That's a moy egg.
Our three, almost four-year-old is getting into the Easter thing.
He gets the egg thing.
He understands what's happening.
Yeah.
But he's really loved it.
He's really bad at finding eggs.
Yeah, they're terrible.
They walk right by me.
Right there.
Right there.
Yeah.
It's right there.
Yeah, like I will point and my finger will be like two inches from it.
And he just is looking all around my hand.
That's excellent.
Yeah, so we did the church thing on the TV, and then my wife made a full Easter dinner.
Oh, I did too.
Ham, mashed potatoes.
I made a honey bourbon glazed ham.
That's awesome.
It was pretty awesome.
Did you bring any leftovers to share?
There's a ton in my fridge.
So you guys can't come over because we'll all die.
But it would be worth it for that ham.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It turned out good.
All right.
Well, in this show, we are going to do some fun stuff.
We have a news segment this week where we're going to look at weird news.
Yeah.
News that actually happen.
But we talk about stuff that's good.
We look at weird news.
We read Babylon B headlines so you can be incredibly informed.
And then we have a topic of the week.
And this week we're talking to Jeff Allen, who's a comedian that was on like bananas comedy.
You know, I got the DVD at my parents' house.
Bananas comedy.
He's done something.
I'm going to pretend I know what that is.
You're such a jerk to our interviewees, to our guests.
I wouldn't mean that.
Yeah, I've never heard of that.
Sorry, Jeff Allen.
No, because Kyle always references things Christians know about, and I don't know why.
I think I had this window.
I had this window in the 90s when I became a Christian around mid to late 90s.
And I was like probably like a five-year period where I was really engaged in mainstream Christian culture, and then I kind of lost my taste for it.
And so that's my only reference point.
But there's a lot there.
There's Jars of Clay, there's Third Day, there's like, you know, a lot of stuff there, but like I still missed a lot of bandwagons.
If you were to do a Venn, a Venn diagram of the experiences that Ethan and I have had, like the knowledge of Christian culture, it would look like boobs.
Because it's just.
He just caused a lot of men to stumble, Kyle.
It's just like circle, circle, and then this small crossover right in the middle.
Really?
That's what boobs look like?
I don't know.
So homeschool.
Can we say that word?
We'd have to say bosoms or something.
Well, I mean, but covered, obviously, in like a denim.
Because what's the thing in the middle of the?
No, no, I'm not going to expose boobs.
I'm talking about well-covered, modest.
Modest.
Yeah.
Because if we're not forget, God created the bosom.
So don't, you know.
Just remember that.
My point was we have a very small crossover.
It's like two circles.
But when I think of these objects that we are speaking of that belong that are on women's bodies.
You think of these?
I don't think of a small circle in the middle.
That's like.
Well, it's not a circle.
It's like a crossover.
It's like a little.
Oh, it's the crossover.
You know, it's like the almond shape in the middle.
That's right.
Yeah, it's not a third object.
It's the crossover part.
My point is we've been.
Also, we don't visualize.
Do you want to just start this whole thing from the top?
The whole show.
We're just going to go.
The whole show start over.
Let's start over.
Take two.
All right.
Well, let's talk about some stuff that is good.
But now, this week's edition of stuff that's good.
All right.
I want to recommend some 90s CCM albums.
What's CCM?
Creighton's Clearwater Murder.
Yes, that's what it is.
I like to assume people don't know what we're talking.
We've been accused of having inside jokes on the reviews before.
So I just want to say it's Christian.
No.
Contemporary Christian conservative music.
Stop messing up.
You want to inform people and then you keep.
It's contemporary Christian music.
Contemporary Christian.
Which means music that sounds like it came out about 10 years before.
Always about 10, 15 years old.
About 10, 15 years off from the mainstream.
Exactly.
Do you say Execo?
Wait, music that came out.
Yeah, okay.
I get what you're saying now.
Like whatever was popular about 1015 years.
We're always behind.
We're always behind about 10-15 years, Jack.
Yeah, because we're like, if it's new, it's evil, but then we catch up.
So I put a list up on Twitter of my top 10 CCM albums.
And I'll just pick out a couple of these that I think you should listen to.
Five Iron Frenzies, our newest album ever.
Their best album.
What was the big song on that one?
They all blurred together in my.
The one that went with a.
They had one on like MTV, I think.
You know, that was a handbook for the sell-out.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's the one that sounds.
It was Ska, but it was kind of like they were adding a little bit of a rock sound to it, a little more driving.
Yeah, that was their biggest.
Like, that was their main.
That was the big one.
The big album.
Yeah.
They had upbeats and beat downs.
They had Quantity as Job One.
They had the live one.
The End Is Near, The End of the Year.
Yeah.
That was probably my favorite album.
Is that the one that had Every New Day at the end of it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was the big one.
Blue Comb, Old Canada, Sucker Punch.
I used to lay in my bed and stare at the scene and listen to Every New Day and cry.
Oh, it's so good, man.
So good.
My brother got a giant boom box for his birthday one year.
And I think he got our newest album ever.
And I got MXPX's Life in General.
Ripoff?
For Christmas or whatever.
And then we traded.
We traded CDs because he realized he didn't like Ska as much.
I think it wasn't cool enough for him.
Like, you know, this isn't cool.
So we traded.
He had MXPX Live in General.
But it was weird because we lived in the same room.
So I was like, I'm trading you this.
We're just sitting there anyway, listening to it.
But that's how I got our newest album ever.
So anyway, that one, Supertone Strike Back, Supertone's best album.
I was never a big fan of the Ska with Rock.
Sorry, with Rap.
I was a huge fan of theirs for a while.
We had a song that ripped off that Supertone Strike Back song.
Yeah.
Almost like stanza for stanza.
Yeah.
The rapping at the beginning, and then we had the ska music.
A band that I was in, different one.
Yeah.
So I don't know.
I never much loved how they added rap to everything.
Like, it was just the white guy's rapping was a little weird.
But it was a great album.
Michael W. Smith's I'll Lead You Home album.
I'm not from very early 90s.
The only song is I know is that girl, you don't have to be picture a perfect song.
You don't have to be pictured perfect.
Oh, man.
It was all secondhand.
Anyway, I remember that because I had the cassette tape when I was a kid.
I just listened to it.
And My Little Walkman.
Cool.
That one is very 90s.
That one sounds 90s.
Yeah.
These other ones that sound 90s just because they're ska, but they don't sound dated.
Like, it sounds like good ska.
So anyway.
So if you want to trip back into yesteryear, those are a couple of albums you can.
Obviously, DZ Talk is Jesus Freak, but he missed the boat on all this stuff.
Yeah.
I don't need to recommend Jesus Freak because everybody knows about it.
So anyway, go ahead.
Well, as usual, I'm recommending something that is wholly unfit for Christian ears and eyes.
But it's one of my favorite documentaries.
So there's a movie called Troll 2.
Have you heard of Troll 2?
Yes.
It's a bad movie, right?
It's considered the worst movie ever made at like the lowest rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Troll 2 is a sequel to Troll 1, but it has no trolls in it.
It's just this sincerely made attempt at a horror film with a bunch of.
It turns out it's community, I think in Utah, a bunch of Mormons who had not acted in hardly anything.
This guy from Italy comes in, very serious, you know, dark rings under his eyes, like curly hair.
It looks like Stromboli or whatever from Binocchio.
And he is convinced that he is the most amazing horror writer ever.
He's written this script in broken English, and he is forcing these small-town Mormons to read every line as he has written it, even though it doesn't make any sense.
And so it just is made for this hilarious, ridiculous movie.
But Best Worst Movie is about how that movie, you know, completely was fizzled out and died and the theaters didn't do, you know, did horrible because it was a horrible movie.
Then about 10, 15 years later, it suddenly resurged as this cult favorite bad movie.
Was it because it was featured on Mystery Science or something?
Or was it just out of the blue?
I think it was just the internet.
I think it was the internet.
I think there was a couple comedians that, you know, but it had, yeah, it really was because once the age of the internet came around, these gems start getting dug up.
And what I really love about the movie, because everybody gets kind of brought back together who worked on the movie.
So the main guy that's in the movie is a dentist.
They're all these small-town people.
And it's this great juxtaposition of the people who don't take themselves seriously, who can laugh at themselves, and then the people like the director and the artists who take themselves all too seriously.
Like still.
Yeah, they still.
They still think it's a great work.
They can't laugh at it.
To me, that's the funnest part of the movie.
And also, I kind of related to it because I related to the strange experience that I went through with Axe Cop, where their lives just suddenly changed because of the internet.
But it's just a fun, ridiculous movie.
But even if you, it does help to watch Troll 2 than to watch this.
Both I would give warnings on.
There's swearing.
There is some weird nudity type stuff in Troll 2.
It's more like it's not.
It's more like a weird statue or something.
Anyway.
Are there any Venn diagrams?
Yeah, there's a weird shot of a strange side Venn diagram.
That is our new word for.
Yeah, it's not explicit, but we watch Troll 2 with our kids.
I mean, not the youngest, because it's not scary at all.
it's hilarious there's certain anyway I don't want to spend the whole show talking about this but it's one of my favorites so I That sounds very interesting to me.
I did finally watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 and I watched Manos, The Hands of Fate.
It's a rough one.
And it was rough.
It was rough.
Riff Tracks.
Well, no, no, it was Troll 2.
It was Riff Tracks.
It was their live version of that, not Mystery Science.
But yeah, that's awesome.
All right, guys.
Well, check out this stuff.
That is good.
All right.
This has been stuff that's good.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Did you want to do weird news for?
Yeah, so why don't we just jump into it?
Just for the fun of it, we'll throw some weird news.
Do we have a weird news audio?
We don't have an audio clip yet, but maybe we'll have one.
Maybe we'll throw something in here.
What's a weird thing?
What's a weird noise?
Weird news.
I can't believe it's not the Babylon Bee.
All right, so this is sorted headlines from around the world that could have been Babylon B articles because they're so crazy.
Yeah.
So what do you got?
Coronavirus locked down Spurs Police in England to dye the blue lagoon black to deter Instagrammers.
Yeah, try to take in a selfie now.
Yeah.
They just filled this beautiful crystal blue lagoon with black ink just so that Instagrammers would stop taking selfies in front of it.
Problems.
So what was the meeting where they're like, what are we going to do about this?
These people are gathering in the taking selfies.
They really should burn down the forests.
Could they put those pigeon, you know, those like spikes they put up so pigeons can't land?
Could they put like Instagrammer spikes?
Yeah, and then you try and stand there.
Oh, God, I've been impaled.
Ow!
I like they have Instagrammer spikes.
That's a good idea.
It's like the U.S. government blows up Mount Rushmore so people will stop going and taking selfies.
Yeah.
They just paint it.
Just absolutely disgrace.
They paint giant mustaches on them or something.
Own.
Defaced.
Yeah.
Well, as the coronavirus lockdown continues, a Welsh town has been taken over by mountain goats.
So everybody's locked inside and mountain goats are just roaming the bag.
Taken over.
They're sitting in the bus benches.
What else are they doing?
They're like riding the trains around.
I mean, I always thought the apocalypse would be like zombies taking over mutants.
But no.
What are they eating in?
It's mountain goats.
What's Welsh?
Welsh grape juice.
Well, I'm sure they eat it.
Do they have haggis?
That's not Scottish.
Scottish.
But they're close.
They're around there, right?
Do you think there's any haggis crossover?
Sure, they're in the general vicinity where maybe something topples into their border.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I like the idea of saying the word haggis.
Oh, yeah.
Haggis.
And then you have like a haggis.
Don't they have a haggis tossing competition or something where they throw that stomach of a sheep?
Yeah.
There's some weird competition they do.
Yeah, so I imagine the town's just overrun with goats and people are sitting in their homes.
And this is all they hear from outside in the streets.
Oh, man.
For people that don't know, those are all actual goat noises.
Except one in the middle when I yelled.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, Kyle threw one in there, but it sounded identical to the other one.
Yeah, the one moment where it didn't sound really real.
That's when I'm like a real goat.
Did I heard that?
And I looked out and there's all these goats.
This is it.
This is the end of the world.
This is the end of the world.
Now, are the goats wearing proper face protection?
Probably not.
Probably not.
I bet the locusts in the book of Revelation, that's them.
Like, that was what the Apostle John saw and he wrote down.
He's like, ah, they're kind of like locusts, I guess.
A plague of goats.
So the locusts were symbolic.
All right, so there's another one here.
So this must be a UK headline because it says mum, not mom.
Mum who gave birth during coronavirus lockdown calls child COVID Bryant.
Double.
I kept trying to figure out if this is a joke, but like apparently it's real.
She named her child COVID Bryant.
Well, you know, they can't even spell mom right.
What makes you think they're going to have good names for their babies?
Will that joke not get old?
Like, hey?
Like, that's like a dad joke.
That's a dad joke.
That is then now with you for your whole life.
You've burned onto your child.
That's like making a joke like, oh, nice to meet you, hungry.
And then, like, tattooing that on their chest.
And then, especially, like, 40 years from now, when Kobe Bryant is like one of those sports people that were popular 40 years ago, but the modern people don't think about him all the time.
Like, what?
COVID?
What?
Who?
Yeah, like, what a, what will be like a famous sports guy that's been dead for a long time now?
Yeah, or it'd be like one of those old guys from like 50s baseball.
His name's like Spanky Robinson or something, and nobody knows him now.
Well, yeah, how about Brett Hull?
No idea.
But I don't know any, I know only the very most famous.
Yeah.
So like I only have room in my brain for maybe like three or four athletes.
Yeah, you know Babe Ruth.
Yeah.
Because he's a candy bar helps.
Anything that's associated with food or candy, you probably don't do that now.
Like there's no giant candy bar named the Michael Jordan or anything.
That's weird.
Never thought of that.
Interesting.
The more you know.
The more you know.
Anyway, that is your news.
Are there any good names that people could name their children?
You know, in the midst of this corona, corona, my corona, of all the Wuhan, Wuhan, Bat, Willie, Wuhan Willie.
Yeah, it would have to be because they're combining a horrible virus with a recently deceased athlete.
Yeah, that's true.
So, who's recently deceased?
I can't do this on the spot.
Yeah, I can't think of anybody who's like William Wallace.
You can do Wuhan Wallace.
Wuhan Wallace.
I don't know.
Yeah, I can't think of anybody who's died.
Like iCorona or something.
Yeah, Corey, Corey, Haim, Corona Haim.
I don't know.
I got enough of them.
All right, now I'm going to go to the real story.
Well, now I'm not going to be able to talk the rest of the program because my head is just going to be trying to think of puns and Jeremy Camp.
It's already a pup.
That was a built-in pun.
Yeah, it was last week.
All right, let's go to the real stories from the Babylon Bee.
Presidential Hopeful and socialist Bernie Sanders had his entire campaign derailed after getting back the results from a routine medical exam.
Overall, he had a clean bill of health, but he did test negative for president.
Oh, man.
It's disappointing.
That's rough.
You know, he's like, okay.
All the hopes and dreams.
Vitals are good.
Had the momentum.
It's not bad.
Height.
A little hunched back, but they're like, it's fine.
Blood pressures, a little high.
President, negative.
Terrible.
Dang.
Yeah, so sad.
So Bernie is out.
Yeah, he was hoping for like one 1024th president material.
That's why he got his DNA test back.
And no, he's just completely negative.
Hmm.
That's disappointing.
Sad.
So did he endorse Joe Biden now?
He just endorsed him, right?
I don't keep up on the news very well.
Dan was talking about it when I came in.
I didn't realize it had happened already.
Yeah, and they're Skyping live, doing like a live little Skype together.
Joe Biden's trying to stay awake.
Bernie's talking about seizing the means of production.
Yeah.
Wake up, Joe.
It's so weird how with this, like everybody's Skyping now on YouTube, all the famous people.
Yeah, it is weird to watch that.
And they all act like they thought of it.
It's like everyone else without money has been doing it for a long time.
Because you can't travel.
That's what all.
Yeah.
Well, ultimately, this is a very tragic thing, even if you didn't support Bernie Sanders, because one of the main sources of material for the Babylon B is going away from the limelight.
Yeah, we're losing our Bernie jokes.
Unless he... I mean, if he...
Whatever.
What if he lives long enough to run for president again next year?
He's still a senator, right?
Yeah, maybe he'll get made.
I doubt he's going to get vice.
That'd be weird.
If he'll get what?
Vice president.
Oh, yeah.
If Joe runs, you know, because who's Joe?
Joe's obviously going to pick a woman.
He said he was going to pick a woman, didn't he?
So it's either going to be Elizabeth Warren or I don't know.
Who do you think it's going to be?
Tulsi?
Yeah.
They need somebody young and spry.
They pick someone who complements the strengths and fills up the weaknesses of the main candidate.
If they know that Joe, on the very day he's sworn in, he's going to retire.
Yeah, I know.
So if they say Biden, like he's attracting moderates, then they'll pick someone who attracts the far left.
Yeah.
Because they're going to try to get that wing on board.
And if he's strong in the South, which I think he is, then they'll get someone who's strong in the North.
That's kind of how they do it.
So, I don't know.
I mean, Warren's a possibility.
She was on the progressive wing.
So that would be interesting.
Anyway, so we just wanted to take a trip down memory lane and just rattle off some of our favorite Bernie Sanders, actually just almost all of them.
We can jump around if we want to, but we got a bunch of our old Bernie Sanders headlines.
So in Memoriam, Bernie Sanders campaign, 2018 to 2020.
Rest in peace, Bernie.
Rest in peace.
Bernie Sanders drops out of race to spend more time with his many, many houses.
Now, didn't you say one of our headlines was like, oh, no, it was Joe Biden.
We had some really big because we jumped on announcing Bernie testing the one you read about Bernie testing negative.
Yeah.
It was huge.
It was like the third top Bernie article shared, right?
Yeah, it may even be the top now.
It beat out like CNN and some of these other actual news outlets.
Yeah, actually, like of the articles shared about Bernie in the past week, I was shirt about the dropout.
It was number one or number two or number three or something like that.
So one of our secrets behind the scenes here is we know these people are probably going to drop out, so we ahead of time have articles ready.
And Kyle's always on the ball, like he jumps on it.
So that thing went out as soon as Bernie announced we had those up.
It was wild.
It was crazy to see the numbers on that thing.
I think for a lot of people, that's how they announced, that's how they found out and shared the news that Bernie had dropped out.
All these poor souls who get their news from the Babylon Bee.
Actually, that was a subscriber headline, if I remember right.
Oh, nice.
Good job, subscriber.
Who wrote that?
I don't remember.
I don't know.
Another one in front of me.
So another one, Bernie Sanders drops out as campaign goals of locking everyone up, destroying economy, already achieved.
Nice.
Which I like that because that's mocking right now what's happening and explaining the joke.
I can't be explaining jokes.
You got to stop that.
I got to stop that.
Okay, so of the articles shared about Bernie in the past year, the number one is from the New York Times.
Bernie Sanders drops out of 2020 Democratic race.
Okay.
The number two is from the Babylon Bee.
Wow.
Bernie tests negative to Pressed.
The New York Times.
I love the idea.
And they have like a skyscraper or something.
The New York Times has like a whole building.
I know.
And we're just like beating secretary in an underground bunker.
Wow.
Three annoying white guys.
Oh, man.
Well, Dan's not that annoying, but it's because he just shuts up.
Yeah.
He's quiet back there.
But he's not even annoying when he doesn't shut up.
Yeah, he's got a really smooth voice.
He's actually the smart one.
Real quick, the subscriber that contributed to that article, his name is Timateo Velasco.
That's John Timiteo.
In our forum, he's faster than John.
Don't dox him.
Oh, should we not do it?
No, it's that his real name?
It's on public.
It's out on the site.
It says, yeah.
Timiteo.
He's doxed himself.
Wait, Timothy.
Is that like if you like to talk to Timiteos or something?
Is that a real word?
So our next one is Bernie vows to rebuild Berlin Wall.
Did you say that already?
No, I didn't.
Bernie vows to rebuild Berlin Wall.
I like this one.
80s movie night gets awkward as Bernie Sanders keeps rooting for all the villains.
Have we covered that one before?
I don't think so.
I love that.
That's a Frank Fleming one.
I like that one because you have to bring the knowledge with you.
That Russians were always.
Yeah, they're always bad guys.
I want to quickly read just an excerpt from that one.
No, stop him.
The capitalist is getting away, shouted Bernie Sanders during Rambo First Blood Part 2, when the titular character fled his Soviet captors.
Well, in 80s theme movie night seemed like a fun idea.
It had turned awkward after the invitation of presidential candidate Sanders, who started cheering on the villains in all the movies.
What's wrong with these kids running around with guns fighting people who are just trying to bring them free health care? Sanders said during Red Dawn.
The NRA must have gotten to them.
Read the whole thing.
Excellent.
Bernie accents there.
Thank you.
Sanders seemed very confused by all the movies, as each had characters with great economic views.
But instead of those views being embraced as his have been by the nation's youth, the people with those views were shot at and sometimes blown up with explosive arrows.
These are sick, sick movies, said Sanders, as all the other guests just tried to enjoy the films.
That's a great salon.
Great, great, great.
Nike releases Bernie Sanders' signature shoe that helps you survive under socialism.
Did we cover that one?
I can't remember we covered that one.
That was a fun one, but I think a lot of people missed.
Oh, it did pretty well, right?
Yeah, that'd be great.
Yeah, it did well.
Because that one, it's the what makes it.
Oh, I think I put the wrong link.
Doe, daddy, daddy messed it up.
What I said.
Did you get to my children?
Just refer to yourself as daddy.
Part of being a father is regularly referring to yourself in the third person as daddy, but it somehow just happened to me amongst adults.
That was weird.
Daddy messed it up.
It totally changes the context.
Like, if I were at your house and you start talking to Calvin, you say, hey, Daddy, Daddy needs to work right now.
It's fine.
But then he walks out and you do it.
And it changes the connotations in.
Hey, Daddy needs you to do that Photoshop, Ethan.
Daddy needs to fix that link.
So these have these Bernie Sanders, they're called the Bernie Sanders air marks.
And they shrink with you as you wither away.
They have extra padding for standing in breadlines for hours.
They have a Venezuelan flag on them.
There's an air pump to constantly pump up your wheelbarrow tire.
Did I write that joke?
I don't even get it.
It might be mine.
Because you're working in the.
I get it.
I get it.
I always add extra jokes to your jokes.
Aerodynamic chase zoo animals for food.
And they're completely edible.
They can't be made into soup.
Laughing at our own jokes.
Yeah, great sand.
Just the best.
Bernie Sanders arrives in Hong Kong to lecture protesters on how good they have it under communism.
Bernie Sanders praises China for eradicating poverty by killing all the poor people.
It's a dark one.
Goodness gracious.
Good job, China.
Bernie Sanders leaps into a wood chipper to reduce carbon footprint.
You got in trouble on that one because you used a wood chipper that.
Yeah, the company was upset.
The company was Bernie Bros.
Picture of their wood chipper.
So our chippers are not supposed to be leaped into.
They're not for Bernie Sanders to jump into.
No, they were like very concerned that we had a person jumping into their wood chip room.
Yeah.
It's bad for public image.
So I had to Photoshop a different wood chipper.
Bernie Sanders Acme Rock.
This one did terribly, but I love it.
The Photoshop must be because he's sitting there.
Read it.
Bernie Sanders' Acme Rocket explodes in his face and yet another failed attempt to catch a billionaire.
Yeah, he's always frank filming ones.
Like he has Bernie Sanders like cat and mouse chasing trying to get the billionaires.
He's like Wiley Coyote with the billionaires.
But yeah, so I just have the Photoshop.
He's just sitting in the street looking disappointed and he's like little tips of his hair like on fire and he's all charred looking and just like looking like looks like Bernie Sanders is blasting off again.
Or he holds over the sign that says mother.
Yeah.
Please end this cartoon.
Disheveled and covered in $100 bills.
Bernie Sanders claims he was attacked by a group of billionaires.
That's another example of that.
Although I did skip one, which you've got to make sure you read.
Bernie Sanders praises slave owners for a free housing program.
That was something else.
Did you say something about free housing in somewhere?
I forget.
Yeah, it was invented.
Somewhere.
What was it?
I don't know.
Dan, what was Bernie Sanders praising for free housing?
What was that?
Cuba or something?
He was talking, he was going on about a free housing program.
I think it was worse than that.
I can't remember what it was.
He did the literacy programs in Cuba.
I remember that.
Yeah.
Maybe that was it.
I can't remember.
Is that the keyboard and Frank frantically typing?
Dems combine into giant mech to annihilate Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, and now he's joined.
He's joined.
He's joined the mech against himself.
I have met the enemy, and they are me.
So they are us.
I wonder what part he is because the H1 got a leg and two arms, two legs, and a head already.
So he's like a cod piece.
I was looking for a good word for that.
Use the Venn diagram.
I just wanted to say cod piece.
Cod piece.
I think it's your turn.
I don't even know where we are.
We're just strattling him off.
Oh, yeah.
Bernie Sanders banned from Fortnite for throwing all the other players into gulags.
So dumb.
That one failed badly too.
It did fail badly.
Failed badly.
The failing Babylon beat.
Bernie Sanders yells at kids to get off his many, many lawns.
And Bernie Sanders takes a quiet moment to seek advice from portraits of his favorite dictators.
Oh.
Well, we will remember you, Bernie.
I will remember you.
All right, well, let's move on to our next one.
Let's move on to stuff of that.
Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden has agreed to wear a CDC-approved N95 ventilator mask.
Good for him.
However, his staff was troubled when he cut a nose-shaped hole out of his mask so that he could still sniff people's hair.
Laugh track.
It feels like it needs a laugh.
That's very like Saturday Night Live.
I was just trying to imagine what he used to cut that perfect little hole out because he seems like he might have the greatest motor functions.
Yeah.
His hand is just jagged, square, with his nose hanging out like a leather face or whatever.
His nose is all tight.
Texas chainsaw mascara mask.
But that's pretty nice.
I liked you because you did the Photoshop on it.
It worked pretty well.
It looked great.
Thank you.
Look real.
Yeah, I appreciate it.
Legit.
I appreciate it.
It's hilarious.
It was like, I was like, I don't know if this Photoshop's going to work.
And I almost texted you to do it because I was like, I can't make this work.
I never zoomed in on it and examined it, but from the distance that I always saw it and never heard the story.
It looked great.
Yeah.
I figured out how to make it look like.
Because what I realized the problem was that it was like this flat mask pasted on his face, but your nose sticks out.
Yeah.
So eventually I cut it in two layers and one's going over the nose and one's going under.
I said WWE D. Huh.
Which sounds weird.
Yeah.
But what would Ethan do?
Yeah.
Well, I've been diagnosed with WWE D.
So this one did huge, which we've made all these jokes about W E H D.
Yeah, this one.
This went crazy, man.
Crazy.
You made lots of jokes about Biden smelling hair.
Tons of them.
Just for some reason.
This one, it tied in with the corona, I guess.
Riding that corona wave.
Riding the corona wave.
Next year, I'm not going to be able to repost a single article we published last month.
It's going to be a drought of reposts.
Remember the good old days?
We'll have to have a series of like remembering the coronavirus.
Remembering.
Like a sledgehammer.
Yeah.
With I will remember you playing them every day for a whole year.
Yeah.
Every year.
So are you wearing a mask, Ethan, right now?
So I bought some of these flimsy little masks off Amazon.
And then, of course, I had one in the car prepared anytime I need one.
And of course, my wife moved it to the other car.
No, so you don't have it.
How do you get pulled over?
I got nothing right now.
And it's like there's been a decree.
Oh, he's got one in his pocket.
Yeah, see?
Like, we can't, you're not supposed to go out in public at all in our county without a mask.
Yeah, and it was just, there's no law.
It's just one official or something.
Somebody just made a decree.
Like, they stood out on their balcony and said, our decree.
Hear ye, hear ye subjects.
A county health official has declared masks.
And have you been in the grocery store?
It's weird.
Like, it's like everybody is in Antifa.
I haven't been to the grocery store.
Yeah, Trump told us not to go.
But how do you get food if you don't go?
Is everybody supposed to order delivery groceries?
I don't know, man.
This whole thing is going to blow up soon.
It's really weird.
But, yeah, I don't know.
Yeah, in our county, they announced that everybody had to wear masks, and they were like, even in your cars by yourself.
Really?
In your car?
You have to have it on?
That's what they said.
And then they backtracked.
They said, there were some inaccuracies in their initial announcement, and they pulled back on several of them because everybody was blasting them.
Like, what are you talking about?
Why?
Why?
Well, we had this other joke about Jesus not obeying the shelter and tomb order.
Yeah, the stay-in-tomb order.
The Roman centurions are going after him.
Yeah, so we have all these, there's been all these stories in the news.
I don't have them in front of me at the moment, but there's been a few churches that have tried to have gatherings of different types and getting giant fines.
Yeah.
In Kentucky, there was police.
Somebody put nails in the parking lot.
It wasn't clear to me if that was the police or not.
Oh, that's like the bird spikes.
Yeah.
Huh.
So they could do that there, but not the Blue Lagoon.
I guess.
Huh.
They say they do it to Christians.
Yeah.
And then they were going around putting notices on people's cars.
Your license plate number has been recorded.
Wow.
And you must now obey a 14-day quarantine.
Well, there's one church that is like a 250-person church.
16 people met, and they were all parted out, keeping their, he's strapping a mask onto this mic.
He just broke it.
That was sad.
He's trying to be hilarious.
And that's just, you know, sometimes things break.
But yeah, so I guess they got like a $2,000 fine or something like that for meeting.
And then there's another one.
It was a drive-in church.
Everybody stayed in their cars, but they all met in the parking lot or something like that.
And everybody got $500 fines.
Oh, my gosh.
That seems like a different country to me.
That's psycho to me.
Like a communist country.
Yeah.
That's what it seemed like to me.
yeah it's bizarre it's like i mean can't we all be adults and understand like yeah we're all trying to keep social distance Most of us are.
People are trying to find workarounds because they really want to meet.
And like it's just crazy.
Like at Home Depot, people are just crowded together buying two by fours.
And then 16 people are spread out in a 250-person capacity church and they're getting a giant fine.
It's just totally arbitrary.
My favorite thing is how all of the press conferences where these county officials and stuff are telling everybody to wear masks and stay apart.
There's like 12 people crammed on stage with no masks.
And then those cops that were walking around in Kentucky.
Yeah.
They're just walking around together.
No masks.
Yeah, they're all arm in arm, care bear stare, locking arms.
It's just, huh?
And yeah, so I think that churches, if you guys want to gather, you guys need to meet at Home Depot.
Just be like, we'll meet in the sandpaper section, and we'll just have ourselves a little church service right there in the aisle.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Church service at Home Depot.
Home Depot or whatever's open.
The grocery store.
What's a good symbol of the bread section for the bread of life?
After several tumultuous press briefings with a combative media, President Donald Trump has sought to solve the ongoing conflict by reaching out a hand and pressing a red button on his podium that ejects journalists into space on rocket-powered chairs.
Wow, so some ejection seats going on there.
Yeah, so it's to eject like this guy's out of line.
Next question, please.
There have been some crazy questions the press has been asking.
They asked him about Tiger King.
Yeah.
I kind of liked that, though.
Mr. President, what do you think about Joe Exotic?
Yeah.
It was a nice break from all the corona stuff.
Just so funny.
He's like, who's that?
Who's that, Donnie?
I like how they see themselves as these heroes that are sitting there, like, asking some inane questions.
I mean, I'm all for the press, holding politicians accountable.
Yeah.
I guess what bothers me is that they never do it with anybody who's a Democrat.
Yeah, I was always like Obama.
What's it like being so awesome?
The whole press was Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live doing those interviews.
Obama, remember when you passed Obamacare?
Remember that time you were like the first black president?
So cool.
That was awesome.
Man.
Was that your idea?
You listened to Conway with Kanye West or whatever with all the cool music he listens to.
And Obama's like, yeah.
Well, you like remember that?
What's your favorite rap song?
Yeah.
That was awesome.
That was awesome.
Yeah, and then they were getting all mad at the My Pillow guy because he retooled his factories to do the masks or whatever.
That's infuriating.
And he said something about the Bible, and people were in the press was getting all upset.
That's disgusting, Mike Lind.
What did Jim Jim Acosta say?
He accused Trump of engaging in happy talk and painting a rosy picture despite equipment shortages.
So what he should have done, Trump should have put a giant red flashing light on top of his head spinning around the light of doom like the Empire State Building did.
Yeah, I liked that red.
They were like, oh, this red siren is for healthcare workers.
It's to honor them.
But it made New York look like a total 1984 stupid.
Like they should put giant loudspeakers up there with like drowning pools.
Let the bodies hit the floor.
Let the bodies hit the floor.
And a strobe light, maybe.
What is the message?
Float! Float!
Well.
I'm not going to do it.
I don't want to get anything thrown at me.
Well, I don't have anything more to say.
I got nothing more to say about that one.
But what's Yamiche?
There's a bullet point here I missed from PBS.
I don't know what that is.
Mike Lyndon.
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to find more.
Well, just be thankful, everybody, that we have the press that is there to point out how heroic the press is during this crisis.
That's right.
Thank you, journalists.
Yeah, thanks.
Good job.
So we have coming on the show right now, Jeff Allen.
Comedian, Christian, and a boomer.
A boomer.
So let's talk to him and say, okay, boomer to him a bunch.
All right, let's do that.
If he can figure out how to use his webcam because he's Skype to work.
Let's do it.
Presenting an exclusive Babylon B interview.
I thought Kyle was going to do it.
I could do it.
You want me to do it?
Yeah, yeah.
Jeff, you can tell that we're very professional here at the Babylon B.
This may be the most professional interview you ever.
I'm starting to feel better about my last 20 minutes.
Can Jeff hear the sound effects?
Yeah, so.
No, I can't hear anything.
Jeff, Jeff Allen, by the way, who's a comedian?
How old are you?
I'm 63 years old.
So you're a boomer.
I am a boomer.
I've been getting a lot of the millennials or on my feed and Facebook.
We represent a boomer.
Okay.
Okay, Boomer.
That's what we wanted to say to you because it took you 20 minutes to figure out how to log into the Skype.
And the good news is I'm not even ashamed.
If we were on video right now, we'd probably have a blurred image of your chest area as we talk to you.
That's whenever I try to Skype with my dad, it's like he's facing the wrong way.
Yeah, he's looking at the wrong, like the he's looking at the wrong little circle on the machine.
He thinks that's the camera.
It's really like screwing him on.
Is this on?
Is this on?
Can you guys hear me?
Can you guys hear me?
Yeah.
Well, I'm a Gen Xer and Kyle's a Millennial and you're a boomer, so we represent a massive bunch of.
Yeah, my sons are like at the cusp of all of that.
They're 35 and 32.
Yeah, you go.
Yeah, so hopefully we can bring some through this brief Babylon B episode, we can bring some healing, some cross-generational healing to the masses here.
Right.
This is yeah, to let people know that we can converse, man.
That's right.
So why don't we each say something that we like about the other generations?
I like Gen X because they gave us Pearl Jam.
I like the Boomers because they get cut.
Yeah.
I can see you mentioned Pearl Jam and my phone shut off.
Maybe there's a correlation.
It's a thing I've installed on my phone.
The Boomers gave us drugs.
It's true.
So we got $21 trillion in debt.
Don't forget that.
So thank you for your service, Boomers.
We had issues, us boomers.
That's like, you know.
Perfect.
I like Jerry Reed.
That counts as boomers, right?
I don't know who that is.
Yeah, yes.
Jerry Reid.
Come on, man.
Wow.
That's a song.
And what else?
And then Millennials?
Come on, Ethan.
This is hard.
Do you have any millennial things you like about millennials?
Jeff?
Yeah, Jeff.
What do you like about millennials?
Yeah, I love your heart.
Your heart.
That's true.
Sounds like a cop-out.
That's a cop-out.
Your naive little heart.
You guys don't do anything right, but your heart's in the right place.
Sad.
Well, I'm a big fan of the Millennials.
I'm at least a realist that I know whatever country your generation decides we're going to be, we're going to be.
So I'm all for being kind to the Millennials.
I just wish, you know, it's this thing I've been talking about.
It would teach math.
I don't, you know, my sons, I had a hard time getting them to do.
We had flashcards.
That's what I grew up with.
We didn't have calculators.
And my parents would hold them up at the dinner table and we didn't have basic math problems.
You had to say you didn't have calculators?
I basically, no, we didn't have calculators.
I basically, I'm not bragging, but I want to put this out there that if I was in retail, I could make change without a calculator.
Wow.
I'm not a genius, but yeah.
And I've always said that it's gotten to the point now where I just drop three pennies on the counter at McDonald's and I step back and watch the show.
So it just I just enjoy that.
It's and it's funny because I'll ask if somebody does change really quickly without you know, if I do that and I if I remember at the end I got that nickel or six cents or whatever it is to to round it up.
And if they do it right away, I ask, are you homeschooled?
Nine out of ten times their own whenever somebody counts their change back to me.
I like feel like I'm in another era.
They're like, they're old fat, like they're going to offer a shoe shine next or something.
Right.
I don't even know what they said.
I'm like, that's cool.
That feels like official.
Thank you.
That sounds about right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I'm glad you did that because I couldn't keep up with the stuff.
I don't know what all the numbers were.
You could have said that in a different language.
Gen Xers are kind of like the middle child in a family of three.
You get to the point where you don't even notice them.
Yeah, that's right.
They just blend in.
And nobody says anything about Gen Xers.
It's weird.
It's very weird.
So let's actually introduce Jeff.
Yeah, all people know right now is he's a boomer.
So we just brought a random boomer on our show.
The boomer interview.
Yeah, the boomer.
So we're doing this early enough in the afternoon where I can take my nap afterwards.
We're not cutting into Matlock or anything.
Okay.
Well, you know, yeah, I got it on loop.
So Jeff Allen is a stand-up comic.
And he says he's says here on my notes, he's got over 130 million views on social media.
Wow.
And so you've been a comedian for quite a long time.
Decades?
Is that right?
Since 1978.
Since 1978.
Wow.
I wandered into a comedy club drunk and said, boy, you know, that would be fun.
And I had a drinking problem that I didn't really address till another 10 years later, maybe.
So I always said, if you like to take naps and sleep, get a job at a mattress factory.
And if you like to drink, get a job at a bar.
So that's where I worked.
Did you actually work at the bar because you were a comedian?
Well, I did the comic stuff.
I got lucky in 1978.
By 1980, the country exploded in comedy clubs.
So I was able to travel around, be bad at something, get paid a few bucks until I learned how to do it.
So it was actually a good time to be a comedian or starting out as a comic.
I don't know if I could do it today where you got to bring in your own audience.
I'm just not that ambitious.
So how did you beat alcoholism?
Oh, I crawled into Alcoholics Anonymous a year into my marriage.
And they basically said you got to pray.
I said, to what?
I didn't believe in God.
And that kind of set me off on an eight-year search for, I never got the higher power thing.
I always used to say to people, look, if I'm making up a deity, that kind of makes me delusional, doesn't it?
And if it gives you comfort, that's great for you.
But if I'm on my knees praying in the middle of a storm, the loss of a job, cancer, death of a child, life, and I'm praying for some comfort to this thing I made up.
I don't know how that works.
So that was kind of my journey.
And I went through all the self-help and the new age, the Buddhism.
At one point, I came home and told my wife, I'm going to put our kids into a Buddhist monastery.
And she said, over my dead body.
And it took her 12 seconds to talk me out of that.
I kind of saw it in her face.
But I had a theory.
I was full of anger and rage.
And I had two boys, and I didn't want them.
I knew enough about psychology that the sins of the father are usually passed to the sons.
My father was a rage freak.
My brother was.
I am.
So I didn't want my two boys to be like that.
And I thought, when's the last time you've ever read about a Buddhist monk in the road rage incident in America?
So I thought they were pretty calm.
So that was my theory.
And she talked me out of it in about 12 seconds.
And then I went into, I finally wound up with Ayn Rand.
And if I wasn't a Bible-believing Christian, I probably would be an objectivist with Ayn Rand.
Yeah, because she's no Christian.
Not at all, you know, but it's interesting.
She had, you know, it was her theory on altruism was basically it makes you feel good, so it's a selfish act.
You know, and I thought, well, you can't deny that.
It does make you feel good.
But you wondered, you know, if God wired us for altruism, you know, that makes more sense to me.
Yeah.
I mean, we talked about it many times on the show, but it's the fascinating thing about the way life is set up is it seems the more you give of yourself, the more your life has meaning and fulfillment.
And it's not self-evident to people.
We want to set life up so that it's all about gratifying your desires.
And that turns out to be a pretty miserable life.
Yeah, I can attest to that because that was really my angst came from that nothing gave me purpose, lasting purpose.
You know, I would taste it.
I would give, you know, I describe it as kind of a thirst for something and I didn't know what it was.
And then I go to this trough, whatever it was, whether it was a New Age book or whether it was even Buddhism at some point, whatever it was, it quenched it for a while.
And then I would find the holes and the flaws in it and it wouldn't last.
And my wife would look at me and she would say, you know, our marriage was falling apart at this point.
And she would say, I get the impression you don't care.
And I'd go, I don't.
And she would go, I said, you're not crazy.
I mean, I'm looking at my wife going, you're not insane.
I don't care.
And I want to know why.
If you're in a relationship that's full of acrimony, at least you feel like there's something.
But when you get to apathy, that's when it's just painful.
And, you know, I finally met a guy that put the Bible in the first Bible sermon I ever heard eight years into a 12-step program.
I listened to a sermon from a pastor in Texas, and it was on Ecclesiastes.
And when I heard meaningless, meaningless, all is meaningless, my heart leapt.
It was like, yeah, yes, yes.
And I soaked in the book of Ecclesiastes for like a month, month and a half.
If I was king of the world, every high school freshman would have to study Ecclesiastes.
And then every high school senior leaving would have to take a refresher course on Solomon's conclusions because that summed up my eight years, that one sermon.
And that told me at a deep level that the Bible was true.
There's things in this book that are true.
And it was kind of the last, my last look.
I just flipped over that rock.
I'd see it in hotel rooms.
I'd look at it.
I'd thumb through it and go, I don't understand what anybody gets out of this.
At times, I used to mock it because someone said it's a living, breathing word of God.
So I'd open it up and go, breathe.
Come on, breathe.
But boy, that day, I remember it as vivid as ever 20-some years ago, just sitting in my living room.
My wife took the kids.
She was leaving.
She wasn't coming back.
And I just flipped open this tape.
I've been collecting them for a while.
Some guy signed me up for a church tape ministry.
And anyway, it was that.
It was an unbelievable transformation.
I remember when I first read Ecclesiastes as a young Christian, I was blown away by the honesty of it.
And it was one of my favorite books.
It still is one of my favorite books of the Bible.
But I actually had this.
Well, that tells me something about you because I remember when I shared it at a church the first time, I had Christians coming over to me going, I can't believe God used the book of Ecclesiastes for anything.
Yeah, it has like a negative.
And I go, What are you talking about, man?
And he goes, It's such a cynical book.
I go, Well, you didn't know me like he knew me.
I found it exhilaratingly exhilarating and honest.
Yeah, so honest.
It was, it doesn't paint any rosy picture.
And I look around.
Yeah.
You know, I had a crazy experience with it.
When I was actually a dishwasher, I had a guy that I worked with who I was convinced I needed to lead to Christ.
But he had a friend who was the guy who was getting him to do drugs, getting to go party, and kind of just pulling him away from like this whole life.
And so I was praying and praying for this guy constantly all the time.
And one night, not him, but the friend calls me up and says, I want to accept Christ, and I don't know who else to talk to but you.
And so I had been in Ecclesiastes.
So he comes to my house and we just read the whole book of Ecclesiastes together.
He accepted Christ right there.
And wow.
He went on to become a way better Christian than me.
Like he became like a pastor and stuff.
That man, that man.
He was just ready to change.
That man's name was Jeff Allen.
Yeah.
And he's on the show today.
No, I don't think so.
I wouldn't be washing dishes.
My God.
But yeah, I don't know.
Ecclesiastes always takes you back to that crazy, like one of the few times I've gotten to actually be part of bringing somebody to Christ.
And it didn't feel like it was anything.
It's just I happened to be the one that was there when he was ready.
And he's thinking, Christians, who do I know?
This dishwasher guy.
And it's just so funny.
He's the guy I thought was the devil.
Yeah.
Right.
But you see, that's the thing to me is that I used to get into these things with atheist friends of mine, you know, and you realize at some point that it's your beginning of two different starting points unless you acknowledge that there is at least a mind or a God or unless you're at least an agnostic.
But if you dig your heels in as an atheist, then you just end up spitting words at each other because you're denying revelation.
I mean, without the revelation, then there is no transformation.
So, you know, that guy was obviously got the revelation hit him.
And that, and to me, the Ecclesiastes, I still visit it at least once a year as a reminder.
And it's interesting listening to different pastors' takes on it.
You know, that's the beauty of the internet.
You can go on and get liberal views on it and then the fundamentalist views on it and all of that.
But yeah, that and Job, you know, just to give you an idea of where I was at, I found Job to be actually funny as I was reading it.
I did too.
It's funny.
You know, there's been movies that may have not been overtly based on the book of Job, but they certainly parallel Job and they're very funny movies, you know.
From as long as you don't have to live through the hell that Job had to live through.
But yeah, you know.
Yeah, so let's talk a little bit about, you know, just paint us a picture.
You're a comic and you come to Christ.
So, you know, we all know that Christians aren't funny.
So I assume you had to immediately give up your act and just be serious all the time.
You know, here's a funny story.
I moved to Nashville.
Probably a believer for a year, and I get hooked up with one of those convention things.
What do they call them?
Anyway, where a bunch of bands get together and buyers buy them.
Anyway, they wanted some comics.
I go to Estes Park for this thing, and somebody sees me.
And I come back to Nashville and they invite me.
I get a call that says, Look, I got a group of people who want you to perform for them.
It could be a nightmare or, you know, it's 12 people, but they're 12 of the movers and shakers within the Christian music industry.
It was like head of the doves and the board of directors at a couple of labels and things like that.
Anyway, he said it's around a Carmen there around a board of directors table.
So 12 people in an office in front of a thing.
And anyway, I said, sure, I don't care, man.
I used to work comedy clubs for four people.
If you wanted to get paid, you had to go up.
So, you know, 12, man, that's a huge group.
So, anyway, the guy introduces me.
This is what I wanted to tell you.
He says, I saw this guy at Estes Park.
He's a Christian who's actually funny.
And so I call my manager the next day, who's Jewish, and I said, Here's what we're up against.
Christians don't think I'm funny just because I'm a Christian.
And this was the head of the Gospel Music Association or something.
I don't know.
So you're right.
It's a perception that even believers have of other believers that you can't be.
And we kind of was in Tropicana in Vegas at 9-11 when that happened.
And that's when I really came back and I told my manager, I said, I got to find another place to work.
I'm done with the clubs.
I can't be gone five, six days a week.
My wife was freaking out.
My kids were.
So anyway, I go to my Jewish manager.
I said, you think churches will hire me?
He goes, you're asking me.
So we were the blind leading the blind into the church.
Again, I was 40 years old when Christ captured my heart.
So I had no context of church at all and what I was headed into.
I didn't realize that there are churches in the North that don't acknowledge the Bible's authority.
I didn't notice, I didn't go into other churches.
Again, it was just all brand new to me.
And I just wanted to do my stand-up show.
And that's what I did.
And we kind of changed the way church did comedy.
There were a couple of people 20-some years ago that were doing club stand-up, but nothing like I was bringing in my club act into the church.
And at the end, I would just share my conversion story.
That's what I offered in the form of ministry.
I felt if they were digging into the tithes and offerings of their congregation, they should get something back in the form of ministry.
And it certainly wasn't in the stand-up act.
I opened the show with, if you learned anything from me tonight, you completely misunderstood it.
Yeah, it's not the kind of show it is.
So if you're a little soft.
How you mostly done churches?
It was interesting.
Sorry on the Skype delay here, I think.
How you mostly done churches?
Or do you still do some clubs now?
Or how's your oh, I'm back in the clubs full-time almost now with these with these viral videos.
I looked out one night and realized that I was 40, 41, 42 years old, and I just looked at the audience and they didn't get any older.
I was the only one that got older.
You know, people who go to clubs are still 25 to 35 years old.
And I wasn't drawing people in, so it wasn't my audience.
And that's when I just decided that, you know, you get on your knees and you go, look, if this is what you want me to do, then we need to find another place to do it because I'm burnt out.
I really was burnt out in the clubs.
And anyway, the doors opened up in the churches.
I hooked up with the singer Bill Gaither, and his stamp of approval opened up the pulpits and some conservative churches anyway because of just the fact that he put me on his stage.
You know, when your resume is 20 years of nightclubs and casinos, pastors are a little hesitant to give you 45 minutes or an hour in front of their people.
So anyway, it was a process.
The first year, I think I did one or two churches, and then I did a bunch more.
And then I started doing outreach.
Somebody told me about outreach.
And my testimony was at least hitting people, the older people that weren't maybe necessarily too keen on church, you know, with the alcoholism and the drug addictions and things like that.
But I'm kind of, you know, I was at the Irvine Improv last summer, and we almost sold it out.
It was about 30 people shy of being a sellout.
And it's a different time now for me.
Drybar changed my life.
It really did.
And again, being a baby boomer, seven or eight years ago, when I got on social media, I was doing it myself.
I didn't care.
Who watches this stuff?
Who pays attention to this?
And I finally realized I was talking to somebody.
My sister-in-law used to do big ad campaigns for Procter ⁇ Gamble and big companies like that.
And I said, why don't you go through my social media and my stuff and tell me what's right and wrong with it?
Two days later, I get a nine-page PowerPoint from her.
And she says they spelled your name right.
And I said, and she goes, no, that's about what's what's good about your stuff.
She goes, everything is done on the internet now.
And I said, really?
So anyway, I found a 28-year-old kid out of Texas that's to put it in perspective, prior to hiring this kid, a big video for me on my Facebook was maybe a thousand views.
And within four days, we had one over 600,000.
And then within a week and a half, we had our first million.
And then within a month, we had a couple million.
That's just on my stuff.
And then the dry bar.
That was before Drybar?
30s.
Wow.
That was before Dry Bar.
I knew I had booked Dry Bar in October and was taping it in January.
And I had heard from friends of mine that it could be very good.
So I wanted a team in place.
I wanted a publicist in place.
And I wanted a social media guy in place prior so that if something happened, you know, and Drybar called, they said when I taped, it would be six months.
And a month later, not even a month, they called us and said, we're going to release this as soon as we can.
It's really good.
So within two weeks of the release, the phone started ringing.
And we were able to book comedy clubs again off nights, Sundays, Tuesdays, Mondays, which is great because it leaves the weekend free.
I still do corporate.
And I do church.
I'm going in.
I was just talking to a pastor now about a message that he wants me to deliver in February.
So how does Drybar work exactly?
I think a lot of people know what it is or have seen it.
Some people might not have, but I'm kind of fascinated by it.
It kind of came out of nowhere.
My understanding is that they actually have it.
They incentivize clean comedy because all the comics that go on there aren't clean comics, but they believe they post their clean comic.
Yeah, well, their pay structure is, first of all, their audience.
They're Mormon guys, right?
They're these Mormon guys, I think.
Well, they are.
Yeah, it's out of Provo, Utah.
But they said to me on the phone, look, we're not going to tell you what to do or what not to do.
But our audience will edit you.
They have an app that you can edit, and they base the pay structure.
It's like $55, $45.
If they don't edit you, it's $45, $55 if they edit you.
So you lose 10% of your revenue just by using language.
So you ask yourself, you know, and I don't worry about it.
As a matter of fact, I got edited.
I didn't realize, you know, it's a strict editing thing.
I mean, like, I did a thing about my granddaughter's, you know, she bashed into a wall and started crying in her nose, you know, and that yo-yo, that snot thing they get that goes up and down.
I don't know if that's an evolutionary design thing, but they know when it's time to suck it back up.
So anyway, I got edited because it's a body function or something.
Yeah, it's a strict, it's a strict thing, but I've always felt that, you know, I have to look in the mirror at night.
I mean, even when I go into a church, I know if your lips are moving and words are coming out, you're going to offend somebody.
So I don't, you know, and that's kind of the crux of the whole America I grew up in.
You know, I just, I look at the culture that we live in.
And, you know, my wife and I even were talking about, my sons have become helicopter parents.
And I looked at it one day.
I go, where did this come from?
We didn't raise you like this.
You know?
And Tammy said, you know, if we raised our kids today, the way we raised them when we did, we'd lose custody.
We may not go to jail, but we would definitely lose custody.
Have you ever given out a participation trophy?
My kid got one.
I couldn't believe it.
He finished dead last.
They didn't win a little league.
I was shocked.
That's when I learned about it.
And he said, you know, and it's hard because you don't want to sit your kid down and go, you didn't do anything to deserve it.
You know, you can't do that.
But you don't want to go, you know, okay, congratulations.
You're so good.
You're so, you know.
Anyway, it was a, we were, like I said, we were at the cusp of that.
We were right at the beginning of all of that.
And it was all new to us, to my wife and I.
It was really all new to us.
And now it's so steeped into the culture.
To me, it's a joke.
It's an absolute joke.
So I don't, you know.
Well, as a millennial, Kyle, I can see Kyle across the table as you keep talking about how the previous generation, he's just twitching.
He wants to say okay, boomer.
He's just trying so hard not to.
Okay, boomer.
Just, I don't care, man.
And again, I tell people, I tell people, my show is not an indictment on one generation or another.
It's not his kids.
It's just telling, it's just, I'm just some observations.
That's all.
Just some different things.
You're on a tour right now called the America that I grew up in.
The American America I grew up in.
I grew up in.
Yes.
Right.
So this is the topic.
The America you grew up in.
This is not the American now.
It's old anyway.
No, it's not.
Hey, I even talked about ethnic humor.
I remember, you know, I grew up south side of Chicago, and when we started comedy, everybody talked about everybody.
Every group talked about every group.
And we understood what malice was.
I mean, that's really, to me, what's the intent?
If there's a malicious intent, then who's going to laugh at it?
Nobody laughed at it.
But just making an observation about the way certain cultures live.
And it was certainly definite to find cultural differences that were funny.
Totally.
Now I realized about the mid-80s that things were changing.
I used to do a lot of stuff.
Obviously, I drank and I did drugs.
So I used to do a lot of stuff about drinking and doing drugs.
And then the laughs just weren't there by the late to mid-80, about 88, 89, somewhere around there.
The laughs weren't the same anymore.
And which is fine.
You move on.
And it was also the same with, I used to do generic, like everybody did, the differences between men and women.
And that all of a sudden started getting ire.
There was the women would stand up and go, talk about men.
Talk about, you know, so I started talking about my wife.
And I remember one night some woman stood up in the middle of my show and said, why don't you talk about men the ways?
I said, I'm not talking about women.
I'm talking about one man, the one I married.
If you're going to take that away from me, man, I'm not going to have anything.
So shut up.
Amazing people just stand up in your show and talk to you.
That's crazy.
Oh, yeah.
That was the beauty of comedy clubs.
My standard line was, please, please tell me whatever I'm doing that gave you the impression that I cared what you think.
Because I'll stop doing it.
I will.
I will.
I'll stop doing it.
You have like prepared lines for hecklers, like comebacks.
I don't get heckled anymore.
Yeah, churches, you don't get any more people who hire me.
That's the beauty of the internet as well.
People who hire me do their research, and they know it's usually a good fit.
And I did.
The last time I was in Vegas, somebody kind of started in on me, and I stopped.
And I said, look, man, you're going to have to give me a few minutes to get my chops back.
Why don't you sit there and sip a cocktail?
And when I really get my C-legs back, I've been working churches.
They just don't yell things out.
And the guy's jaw dropped.
He just got slack jawed looking at me because I didn't have any snappy comebacks for him.
I just kind of talked to him.
So that's kind of where I'm at now anyway.
I just asked him, what's your name, Bob?
Bob, that's great.
Where you're from, blah, blah, blah.
And after about a minute and a half, you just kind of go, you know, I'm going to work alone now.
This team thing you and I are doing isn't working out too well.
Well, it doesn't, yeah, it's not part of my life much anymore.
Well, how can we, you know, people want to check out your comedy?
Where can we send them?
Well, jeffallencomedy.com and then a dry bar comedy slash Jeff Allen, I guess.
They have all the clips.
They have clips and then YouTube.
Everything that I'm putting out is from, you know, I have hair.
I don't have any hair anymore.
You know, I'm reading the feed on the Facebook from people.
They go, he's not that young.
He's old.
He's got gray hair.
But yeah, jeffallencomedy.com.
Since there's about an Instagram.
Since there's about four billion ways to spell Alan, we'll clarify that it's A-L-L-E-N.
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
So yeah, check him out.
And also, we have one final question for you.
Have you ever met Carmen?
Ever met Carmen?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who's that?
Oh, sad.
Well, this was a past fail interview, and you have failed.
Yeah.
Carmen.
Carmen was a Carmen was a Christian rapper from the 90s.
And we always kind of gauge our guests on how well they know Christian culture by whether or not they know Carmen.
We're still trying to find somebody who knows him.
Let's try to find somebody who knows him personally.
Yeah, I'm not steeped into this.
Yeah, he got converted too late.
Yeah, again, that's what we always find.
That's what we always find when people convert to Christ later.
Yeah.
They don't hear about Carmen.
You miss the Carmen train.
You miss out on the blessings of Christian rap in the 90s.
I have a feeling he's on the internet, and that's why I hang up.
I'm going to be steeped in Carmen.
Check him out.
I don't like being stumped.
I don't like being stumped, guys.
You're welcome.
You made me feel.
You made me feel uncomfortable.
Where's the millennial at?
My feelings.
I'm uncomfortable right now.
Hey, facts don't care about your feelings, friend.
So everybody, go check out Jeff Allen.
His stuff is very funny.
He just gave you the addresses and stuff.
He's got YouTube, Facebook, and his website.
You can check him out.
We're also going to play a brief clip from him after he goes here.
All right.
Check him out.
Thanks a lot for coming on, Jeff.
Very cool.
Thank you guys for having me, man.
Again, big fans of you guys.
I had the pleasure of growing up in America before the lawyers took it over and ruined it on us.
Yeah.
In my day, if a kid fell off the monkey bars and chipped a bone in his arm, that was tragic, but it was funny to the rest of us.
Certainly wasn't reasons to take the monkey bars off the playground.
We all did dumb things.
That's how you learn not to do dumb things.
C.S. Lewis said suffering was God's megaphone.
That's right.
You do dumb things, it hurts, and then you learn not to do it.
But we're the most pained versus.
I'll give you an example.
When I was 12, someone told me to get a ball jar, canning jar.
Find some dry ice, put it in the jar, put the lid on it.
So I said, what's going to happen?
They said, it's going to blow up.
And I said, cool.
Where do I get dry ice at?
And they said, the ice cream man.
So one day I heard the ice cream man coming down my street.
I run out with one of my mother's canning jars and I asked, You got any dry ice?
He said, What are you going to do with it?
I said, I'm going to put it in this jar.
I'm going to put the lid on it, and it's going to explode.
Ice cream man says, Oh, here's your dry ice.
That's the America I grew up in.
Wow, that was an excellent conversation with Jeff Allen.
That was a lot of fun.
Thank you, Jeff.
Thanks, Mr. Allen.
Thank you, Mr. Allen, comedian, MD, boomer.
And so we are doing love mail, hate mail something now.
Yeah.
It is love me.
What is it?
It's kind of just a well, I found this.
It's a neutral mail.
It's really a review on the website, on the iTunes review.
But it is a five-star review, so it is love mail because it says, but the headline is what caught my eye.
Okay, so we'll call this neutral mail.
You know, we just need to have a generic mailbox.
We may need a new section for this.
Just mailbag.
Or what I we should call it car mail because this person's talking about carmen.
No denied or something.
Okay, so this person's addicted to email.
But yeah, so go ahead.
Five stars.
I have met Carmen.
This podcast is a lot of fun to listen to.
It's a nice break from some of the more serious ones that I'm subscribed to.
It's a little backhanded compliment.
We are very serious.
I do have a story about when I met Carmen.
Whoa.
All right.
So I want to just do a call out right now.
If this is you.
If you're listening right now, DM Rice, DM Rice, 251.
If you're listening, email us, podcast at BabylonB.com.
You can actually, if you want to tell the story, because, you know, what I would like to do is I know there's got to be other people out here who listen who have met Carmen or been to a Carmen concert and just have little Carmen stories.
Please start sending them to us at podcast at BabylonB.com because I would like to do a story where we compile.
And soon we'll set up a voicemail where you can actually leave your story.
Well, I think what you can do right now, we have the technology, right?
Just on your phone, record an audio file and send it to us.
Well, I don't think you can.
If you can't detach it, just send like a Dropbox link or something if you have that.
If you have a story, tell us in audio.
If you want to type it, that's fine too.
Send us.
Audio will definitely be.
If you really want to make sure you get on, audio files that are shorter will probably be prioritized.
So you leave like a 20-minute audio file.
It's not going to hold on.
But if you do like a one or two-minute one, there's a better chance we'll listen to it.
Everybody can hear your beautiful voice.
As long as you don't breathe in a whole bunch really deeply like I do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So yeah, I want to know.
I want to know your story, your Carmen story, and I would like to do an episode, a special, where we piece it all together and create a picture of the real Carmen.
Paint a masterpiece.
Through all of these different angles.
Yeah.
A mosaic, if you will.
Yeah.
A mosaic, a Carmen mosaic.
All right.
It's going to be an exciting episode someday.
Sounds amazing.
Let's do it.
All right.
Well, this is the end of the Babylon Bee podcast for people who don't have any money.
That's right.
For those of you who are subscribed, we're going to continue in our subscriber portion.
Yes.
Thanks a lot, listeners.
We'll talk to you next week.
Have an excellent week, everybody.
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Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to go forth and recklessly buy into everything you just heard without forming your own opinion.
If I was to do it all over again, I'd kick it right between the legs, up into the air.