Corporate Media And Political Theater With Guest Host Michael Malice
This is the Babylon Bee Weekly News Podcast for the week of 1/29/2020. In this episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome guest host Michael Malice to discuss this week's stories like how Democrats sowed doubts about the legitimacy of the 2020 Presidential election, a CNN analyst claimed to provide "satire" to his Twitter audience, and how knee-jerk conservatives don't always respond to AOC the right way. They then dive into the main topic of how corporate media tries to weave narratives going beyond the plain facts of current events. In the subscriber portion, Kyle and Ethan discuss more about the impeachment proceedings, Trump being the first President to speak at large March for Life crowd, and how Bernie Sanders is now alt-right adjacent for touting his Joe Rogan street cred. You can find Michael Malice's podcasts "YOUR WELCOME" and Night Shade here. You can also buy Michael Malice's book The New Right. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! Show Outline Introduction - Kyle and Ethan welcome Michael Malice, talk about the recent and tragic death of Kobe Bryant among several others in a nearby helicopter crash, and Kyle threatens to call the cops on the anarchist. Story 1 - Democrats Warn That American People May Tamper With Next Election Back in December House Impeachment proceedings Jerry Nadler Said We Can't 'Trust an Election' to Get Rid of President Trump Nadler is missing some of the proceedings because his wife has pancreatic cancer. The house case managers act as prosecutors in the Senate trial. Adam Schiff (CA congressman) opened Senate trial on Wednesday by saying "The president's negligence cannot be assessed at the ballot box (in November), because we cannot guarantee that that vote will be fairly won," and without foreign interference requested by Trump, Schiff said. Apparently they are mind readers about his intent behind the plain words of the call transcript. "If not remedied by his conviction in the Senate and removal from office, President Trump's abuse of his office and obstruction of Congress will permanently alter the balance of power among the branches of government," the 59-year-old congressman said. Schiff accused Trump of attempting to "use the powers of the presidency to cheat in an election." Story 2 - In Major Deal, The Babylon Bee Purchases Competing Satire Site CNN Joe Lockhart CNN political analyst (Comms for Clinton WH) sent out a dumb tweet recently: "Overheard convo between two Republican senators who only watch Fox News. "is this stuff real? I haven't heard about any of this before. I thought it was all about a server. If half the stuff Schiff is saying is true, we're up shit's creek. Hope the White House has exculpatory evidence" The Babylon Bee responded: "Leave the satire to us; we'll leave the fake news to you." Joe went on to tweet: "Ok maybe I made up the convo, but you know that's exactly what they're thinking." Story 3 - Dumb AOC Accidentally Strangles Herself Tying Her Shoes (Because She Is So Stupid) Conservatives don't always intelligently handle the case against socialism from principle or history or economics. Too often often they resort to "She Dumb" memes Topic of the Week - Michael Malice joins Ethan and Kyle to discuss how Malice's conception of "The Cathedral" relates to current events like the Impeachment and election campaign season. "The Cathedral" according to Malice, is the collective of political, media and cultural entities who frame the worldview or narrative in a way that becomes the contemporary consensus seeking to control the narrative of neoliberalism/progressivism for our society and lives and institutions Impeachment analysis in The Cathedral. What is going on? We always poke fun of CNN and others for being biased and lefty. Is something more insidious going on? Hate Mail- welp, these happened so we do a rapid-fire hate mail segment. Paid-subscriber portion Story 1 - Nation Immediately Forgets All About Historic Impeachment Trial After Realizing It's Taco Tuesday No one is watching (4.7% of voting age adults) The Nielsen ratings for Wednesday and Thursday showed that ABC, CBS and NBC lost a combined 3 million viewers per day by airing the Senate impeachment trial instead of the daytime soaps No one cares (approval ratings seem to be same or slightly better since impeachment) Story 2 - 'Absolutely Nothing Happening Today,' Says CNN Reporter Gesturing Toward Massive Crowd At March For Life Donald Trump made history Friday as the first-ever president to attend and address the major annual pro-life rally March for Life, telling attendees, "All of us here today understand an eternal truth: Every child is a precious and sacred gift from God." "Every human life, born and unborn, is made in the holy image of Almighty God." The theme for this year's march is "Pro-Life is Pro-Science." About 100,000 were expected to attend the event, but the number may have been a lot more than that. Ford Fischer, a journalist with News2Share, said on Twitter that the best estimate he was able to get was from an organizer who said 200,000 to 300,000 were there today. Story 3 - Bernie Sanders Welcomed As Newest Member Of Alt-Right After Joe Rogan Endorsement Joe Rogan endorses Bernie Bernie shares the clip touting Rogan's support Leftists on twitter and in corporate media upset Supposedly Joe is "Transphobic, alt-right racist" Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
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You're listening to the Babylon Bee with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
Welcome to the Babylon Bee Podcast, broadcasting live, but not actually live from Ankapistan.
And that voice, that anarchist-sounding voice that you hear.
There's such manic anarchism in that voice.
It's Michael Maus.
Chuckling with such rebellious.
Are you all right?
I have better than all right.
He's our first guest host on our new format where we have a weekly news show, which we are wholly unqualified to be doing.
He's way more qualified, so it's great to have him on.
Well, you know, it's better than getting the news from the corporate press, not very qualified, right?
But who really is?
So what's more reliable, Michael, the Babylon Bee or the corporate press?
The corporate press is very reliable for what they're trying to do.
They never get a sense of everything, right?
They never skip a beat.
They always double down.
This is what I think I harp on this on Twitter all the time.
This is what I think some conservatives, both decreasingly, thankfully, and leftists decreasingly, thankfully, don't understand.
They're not making mistakes over and over.
I mean, these aren't stupid people.
They're educated.
They're intelligent.
You keep doing the same thing, despite being given evidence to the contrary.
At a certain point, this isn't a mistake.
This is your agenda.
Yeah, this is one thing I've noticed every time on Twitter, someone will say, this is an error, or whatever.
And you always, you are the master troll, and you'll reply with, you know, this is exactly what you meant to do.
Yeah.
Like, and why are you running interference for people who would want you dead?
At the very least.
I think we're going to need to call the police on you, Michael.
You want to start with the cops?
You are talking to an anarchist.
We'll get to that.
We'll get to that.
So this is a, we don't have this as one of our news stories, but Kobe Bryant crashed in a helicopter around here.
Shocker.
This yesterday's week, just out of nowhere.
Out of nowhere.
I guess death is always out of nowhere, but not always.
Not always.
The most inevitable thing, and yet shocks us every time, right?
So how did the corporate press respond to this Kobe Bryant?
I have this master thread on Twitter, which I, you know, I kind of, the thing that's happening now, and you guys are really, really great with this, with the work you do, is instead of, it used to be, you know, corporate America would be like, oh, you're racist.
And then you're spending six months saying, no, I'm not.
And now it's like, oh, let's focus on the techniques you guys use and make those techniques ineffectual rather than reacting to some nonsensical accusation you're going to throw out.
Here's an example.
Camela Harris, senator from California.
She ran for president.
And when I, and I know we have a lot of Christian listeners, and I apologize in advance, and you forgive me in advance, when I kept referring to her as a pig and Officer Harris.
And when she dropped out, we did a ham tasting on my live stream.
They shipped in $400 to fans, and I bought all the expensive hams in honor of the pig being roasted by the Hawaiian.
But the thing is, they couldn't decide whether people making fun of Kamala Harris were doing it because they were racist or because they were sexist, right?
So they have their little technique.
Right.
They're just going to apply it regardless of the input.
And I think now, this is the circuitous way of getting to it.
I have a master thread where what they do is when they present a person or entity who the audience is supposed to feel anathema toward or is a bad person, they will write it as Joe Rogan, comma, who has a history of making racist jokes, comma, today endorse Bernie Sanders.
Like that, it's in the first sentence.
And that I do, I did hashtag as an aside.
You could hit that hashtag.
And it's very, once you notice it, it is so incongruous because if you ask someone who's objective or even left of center, who's Joe Rogan?
Popular podcast host, comedian, MMA guy.
You don't say the most cogent thing about him is that he's been known for making racist jokes, which is even accurate.
That's an analysis.
But the fact that they put it front and center, they are telling their readers who have been trained since they were kids in public schools to look at these people as authorities and arbiters of truth that this is the most important thing about this person is that he is known for telling racist jokes.
That's not the even if he had, that still wouldn't be the most important thing about him.
They did this when Don Imos died recently.
And with Kobe, they couldn't get fast enough.
And I'm not even familiar with this case that, oh, don't forget he had a rape accusation.
My understanding is he was completely exonerated.
But don't forget, you know, it's like, okay, his wife loves him.
His kids love him.
I think that might be a little bit, his basketball career might be that little asterisk that might be of value here.
Like the one day you could not bring it up be the day he died.
But this is what I was saying, why it's an agenda.
Regardless of the input, the output's the same.
And this is very, very, very healthy.
When those cadets were playing the circle game and all the headlines were, well, oh, these cadets seem to be engaging in white nationalist symbols.
My buddy Cernovich had this tweet.
He goes, it's a good thing that they are trying, in one sense, to destroy these kids' lives so that people realize just how evil the press is.
Because we know what the circle game is.
If you didn't, it's their job to tell you what the circle game is and be like, look, you might think it's this okay symbol that the alt-right has created, but in reality, it's this game that people play.
It's a Malcolm in the middle.
Oh, you mean like the little hand thing?
Yeah.
The circle.
The circle game.
The circle game.
Someone to look at it like that.
Yeah, look at it that way.
And then you can punch it.
It is an excuse to punch each other.
Right.
But they're presenting it as these, you know, I don't remember what academy they're from, were Klansmen.
And they had no shame and no remorse in doing this.
And when you are at a point where you are blithely in headlines suggesting that a young man or woman is a Klansman, you are depraved.
And that's the thing I was talking earlier why I love talking to you guys.
Christians understand better than anyone that evil exists in the world and that evil's not walking around with horns.
Evil is seductive.
It is, you know, melodic voice.
It's going to be the person next door.
It's not going to be some 10-foot-tall demon.
It's wearing a suit.
Yeah.
And tie.
Got the scar on his eye.
Yeah.
An eye patch.
You mean Dan Crenshaw?
He's pretty weak.
He's a red flag loss.
I mean, we've pretty much dove in, but should we dive into our stories of the week?
Yeah, let's get started.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Story number one.
Democrats warned that American people may tamper with next election.
It's a very scary proposition.
Yeah, that's horrifying.
This is one of your headlines?
Yeah.
Okay.
I got scared.
You're like, what?
Who wrote this?
You were already firing off your angry tweet on Twitter, you know.
So apparently, Jerry Nadler said we can't trust an election to get rid of President Trump.
Does that mean we can't trust an election?
He said that.
That's what we got here.
This is what our new researcher found for us.
Wow.
And is that a direct quote?
Direct quote.
This was inspired by Adam Schiff's comments in the Senate trial when he said, The president's negligence cannot be assessed at the ballot box because we cannot guarantee that that vote will be fairly won.
So Buck Sexton, who I'm sure you guys are fans of, he's a good conservative commentator.
He was on my show, You're Welcome, a couple weeks ago.
And it's very often that someone drops something that makes me even do a double take.
He suggested, and I don't see a reason why this couldn't happen, that if Trump wins re-election, the House would refuse to certify the results of the election.
And you can even hear their reasons right now.
We got to make sure it was fair, blah, blah, blah.
Russia interference.
I mean, they say that Trump is an unprecedented attack on our institutions.
And then for three years, it's been unprecedented.
Electoral college and all this other stuff.
It's like, it's just amazing.
Yeah, coming from a small town, every time I hear somebody act like it's so obvious that we shouldn't have the electoral college, electrical college.
I said it.
I said it earlier.
I said it earlier.
It's coming out that way.
Electoral college.
Sounds smart.
I go, oh, so like just the big city should all decide who gets to be president.
And then I moved to a big city and realized how people in big cities are idiots.
Yes, they're marginally intelligent.
No offense.
They're midwits.
Yeah.
I mean, that's where that's the funny thing because I lived in the small town.
I remember this guy standing behind me in line.
He's like, he's from the big city talking to this guy.
He's like, man, people in small towns, they're so kind of closed off and in a bubble.
But the real group thing is in big cities.
People just don't, you don't interact with anybody who doesn't think exactly like you.
Well, I mean, because there's a very big social stigma to coming out.
Now you're them and not us.
And that's, and the internet's spread that out.
Yes, very much so.
Big time.
And I think they have to be doubling down because I think the Trump election was a kind of a psychological trauma for them in many ways because now they realize that the people who they talk to in the office or, you know, in their apartment building, some of them aren't like us.
And now it's scary because you don't know who's us and who's them anymore.
Right.
So you really got to have this anguish signaling to show each other how upset you are.
Like that anguish signaling.
Yeah, that's a thing, though.
Yeah, totally is.
Yeah, I've had that.
I was just realizing the other day I found more friends of mine from comics who have deleted me on Twitter.
Wow.
We were always cool.
We never said no bad things.
I didn't even post that much political stuff.
I think not part of the club now.
Well, you guys are also a big threat to their hegemony.
So it's a situation.
What do you think, Kyle?
Maybe they just didn't like XCOP.
Yeah, that's possible.
Today, I forgot today is the 10-year anniversary of the day that Axe Cop website went.
Oh, Mazzanto.
That's wonderful.
Yeah.
So that was it.
10 years ago today.
He was one day away from retirement.
And then it went bumpers.
I wouldn't think anarchists would be a big fan of XCOP.
Actually, you wouldn't like XCOP.
AXCOP declared himself to be president of the world.
I would like Emperor Norton.
He was made president of the world.
Oh, they dropped Kyle.
He didn't want to do it.
Plot Laden Robinson.
He eventually quit the job and became president of just karate.
Well, anarchists could get behind that.
President Karate?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
It's a volatile.
That's kind of a private president.
Yeah, yeah.
And we're okay with private presidents.
Yeah.
Really derailed that time.
Do you guys know about Emperor Norton I?
Oh, okay.
So Emperor Norton was a guy from San Francisco in the 1800s and declared himself Emperor of the U.S.
And he handed out currency and he was like a figure of what San Francisco was up and coming and becoming weird.
Yeah.
So this was a thing.
That's awesome.
Well, what's the difference between the president who just says I'm the president?
But that's how you are.
Well, the real presidents kill a lot of people.
So the emperor was a better guy.
He was a better guy.
Yeah.
Cool.
I am a fan.
Can you still get currency with Emperor Norton's face on it?
I think it's a very expensive thing.
I looked on eBay for it.
Yeah.
So his money even retains value better than the U.S. dollars.
That's true.
Wow.
That guy's great.
That's actually a great.
Yeah, but yet another argument for private currency.
That's actually a great, wow.
How did I not think that?
What did they call him?
Like, that one was free.
Norty Bucks or what are they called?
Norton Bucks.
All right.
Story number two.
Sure.
And major deal.
The Babylon B purchases competing satire site, CNN.
Owned.
That's what we need more guest hosts to laugh at our jokes.
It's nice when someone else laughs at our jokes, not us.
Why would you want to?
That's like going to an oncologist and saying, I want to buy cancer.
Can you put cancer in me?
I don't have enough cancer in my body.
They write great satire of the corporate press.
It is.
I mean, everyone I know who is right of center infinitely prefers MSNBC to CNN and has no problem with like a lefty network spewing left.
Yeah, just because they're honestly like.
Because they're honest.
Like, okay, that's your point of view.
That's cool.
Except, but now, I don't know if you guys saw this.
They've turned on Bernie and watching all these lefties get red-pilled.
Red-pilled, meaning realizing that what the media presents as truth is, in fact, a carefully constructed narrative designed to keep some very unpleasant people in power.
You have Joanne Reid, who should probably be in jail for calling the FBI about tweets she wrote at the very least.
And they had a body language expert to demonstrate that Bernie was lying.
And I watched the clip.
Oh, yeah, that was crazy.
That was wild.
But it was even crazy by their standards.
And the one was saying, oh, look at him in this moment when he's asked this question.
He kind of ducks down like he's embarrassed to tell the truth.
It's like he's on a national debate stage and being put on the spot to tell whether his very good friend and ally lied about him in the last two days.
Don't you think most people would be a little nervous regardless of the veracity of what they're about to say?
Right.
He's old.
And he's old.
The craziest part of that clip is they said something like, he won't confront her directly.
Look, he's turning away.
And then as she's saying that, he's like literally pointing his finger right at her.
And you're like, I see what I can see with my eyes.
But what's very, very healthy, which I don't know if people on the right are realizing, is all the vote, the undecided, went to Bernie.
So now they were like a three-way tie or his neck and neck.
He's two to one over Warren in Iowa now, which is great.
Because we saw this with Trump, how everyone's ordered, it's not legitimate to vote for him.
All the Fortune 500 companies, all these organizations who never endorsed anyone before, every politician, you do not have a right to vote for this Joker.
And everyone's like, oh, cool story.
Okay.
And then they go vote for him.
And now they're basically doing the same thing.
You do not have a right.
Bernie, you know, Mr. Misogyny, trying to make him out to be some kind of, you know, like sexual predator is just crazy by their standards.
But amazingly, it's backfiring.
We saw this with what's his name?
Yank Uyghur.
How do you pronounce his first name from the Young Turks?
Oh, Chenk.
Chenk.
I have no idea.
I don't want to try.
Do you see what they did with him?
He was running for office.
Yeah.
He's in trouble now.
Oh, no.
He was running for office.
And the New York Times, which is failing badly, had a clip where he had David Duke, David Duke, on his show.
KKK guy.
Yeah, and you saw the video where he's like arguing with him very vociferously, obviously.
And at the end, Duke was, Duke, of all people, was trying to make the claim, well, I'm not an anti-Semite.
And Uyghur goes, no, of course not.
Which is hilarious because you could, at best, you could see, well, I can see why people call you that, but you're not right, theoretically.
The New York Times just wrote, Duke said, I'm not anti-Semite.
And Uyghur said, no, of course you're not.
As if he was saying it verbatim.
And it's like, that's not a mistake.
That is agenda.
And you're trying to make it seem it's not possible to watch this clip and think Uyghur thinks Duke.
He's being sarcastic.
They caught it.
They ignored it.
Yeah, they ignore it.
They presented it as.
Correct.
I'm just processing the slower thinkers.
It's just shameless.
I think slowly.
We need to give Ethan a red pill.
That's what we need to do.
I think he's had his red pills.
I think every one of you guys will have the red pills.
You're all set.
I see those headlines.
I'm sitting at home.
I'm like, they are more savage than me.
This is not as verified as me.
So that's something sad.
I don't have a blue chicken.
He's got a blue chain.
I'm verified.
I'm back when they are giving him out, though.
Oh.
Giving him out like candy.
Like red pills.
So CNN analyst.
Oh, yeah, we had a little running with CNN.
Joe Lockhart.
Oh, you like him, probably.
Oh, yeah, he's the best.
I hit him pretty hard recently.
CNN, who is failing badly.
Political, and I'm going to say that every time.
Yeah, of course, he was just failing badly.
Political analyst Joe Locker.
He was also the comms guy for the Clinton wire.
He sent out this tweet recently.
He said, I overheard convo between two Republican senators who only watch fake news.
And he puts us in quotes.
Is this stuff real?
I haven't heard about any of this before.
I thought this was all about a server.
If half the stuff Schiff is saying is true, we're up shit's creek.
Hope the White House has exculpatory evidence.
And he leaves this up, and then he just replies later and says, Oh, well, I just made this up.
But you know, that's what they're really thinking.
That's what they're really thinking.
And then he quote tweets it later and says, Everyone, calm down.
This is just satire.
Which is hilarious because CNN always has been coming after us saying, Oh, we just use satire to cover fool people.
It's not satire, it's farce because this is an absurdity that is so removed from normal behavior.
What was interesting about that tweet, which I hit him on, I said this is the rare boomer-Creton hybrid because he was not only double spacing after periods, he was doing it after the colon too.
And I'm like, that's when you're so boomer that you don't even understand the rules anymore.
Well, Kyle couldn't help himself when he went on with the Babylon B account.
Oh, yes.
And I could buy a dunking on him.
He replied, Oh, I saw the yeah, yeah, yeah, that's the groke.
Leave the satire to us.
We'll leave the fake news to you.
That went wide, didn't it?
Yeah, I love it.
So, CNN on Suicide Watch.
That's my other line I said recently: that the average Vox reporter is a jihadi without the testosterone.
They like our idea for the concentration cap camp like Portland guys, like, hey, bro, just come on.
Non-GMO concentration camp.
Non-GMO coffee and step in the shower, bro.
Oh, man.
All right.
Story three.
Dumb AOC accidentally strangles herself tying her shoes because she is so stupid.
I love that headline because making fun of the boomers who are fixated on this broad, who the Democrats have forgotten about at this point.
It's like, oh, she's like the Sarah Palin, right?
They need a punching bag.
Can you believe how dumb this 27-year-old is?
Yeah, I can.
You know how?
Because I was 27.
It's true.
I can believe it.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
This one went over a lot of our readers' heads, though.
Because they always think we wanted to talk about the left.
Well, that's the other thing that's great is when you're a good troll, as you guys are, a lot of times it'll work on more than one level, and the audience won't get that you're making fun of them as well.
Yeah.
Well, I think, and this is written by probably our most intelligent writer.
I'd say Frank's pretty smart guy.
He's like an engineer.
But Frank Fleming, who writes some of our best articles.
Oh, I know.
What's his Twitter handle?
That's right, J-Front.
I-MAO.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I know.
Isn't he really young?
I don't know.
He looks really young in the picture.
Yeah.
Yeah, he looks like.
He's got boyish charm.
Gosh.
He looks like you would expect a programmer to look.
Okay.
Yeah, he's kind of thin and glasses.
Okay.
And beautiful.
He's beautiful, though.
I hate explaining a joke, but the whole idea here is we were making fun of all the stupid AOC memes.
Yeah.
Yeah, but Michael got that.
I got it.
Michael got it.
He's smarter than the average man.
I got a lot of hate mail about this.
Yeah, no, people really thought that we sat around and thought, oh, this is hilarious.
Like, no, we actually sat around in this meeting.
All of them were totally honing AOC.
I even put the, because she is so stupid in parentheses.
So it was like, we're telling a dumb joke and then explaining the dumb joke.
And it says dumb and stupid twice in the headline.
You know, you just think people would get it, but nope.
Yeah.
We had done a previous article that was.
I tried to even make the Photoshop look bad, too.
Yeah.
We did a previous article that was this joke but good.
And it was AOC gets her head stuck in a bucket.
Oh, yeah.
But then the punchline was the press covering for.
The press explains why this was actually a genius movie.
Oh yeah.
She's got the bucket on her bucket.
Well, no, you cover people.
You guys do that also with Biden's head falls off in embarrassing gaffes.
What?
Was that Biden?
Oh, yeah.
That's when he had like the weird blood thing.
Oh, his blood.
His eye exploded.
How awkward.
His head fell off.
Yikes.
Yikes.
Oops.
Hate when that happens.
But no, someone else had that headline because now you guys are joking, but they're basically, because the impeachment seems so nonsensical strategically, because you know you're not getting him out.
It's just emboldening him.
Trump is best in the counterattack.
His fans like him when he's being persecuted.
And now they're accusing Nancy Pelosi of playing 4D chess.
Because they're saying, okay, this doesn't make sense to interview, but this is actually strategically brilliant for the Democrats.
It's like, uh-oh, okay.
Well, yeah, when she was sitting on the impeachment articles.
Yeah.
Remember?
And people were saying, oh, this is all part of the strategy.
Wait, wait, what?
Wait, wait, what?
And then she handed them over with no leverage.
What?
That was strategy too?
Yes, queen.
Slay queen.
Is the article worth reading on this AOC article?
I have it up here.
Yeah, go ahead.
An excerpt or whatever.
Washington, D.C. While taking a jog yesterday morning, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attempted to tie her shoe, a simple thing that even a child can do, but she can't because she's so brain dumb and likes socialism.
But messed it up so badly with her stupidity that she nearly strangled herself with her shoelaces.
We were barely able to save her in time for her being so stupid, said a police officer at the scene.
But maybe we shouldn't have saved her because she's a socialist trying to ruin the country and she's dumb.
It's beautiful.
How could you read this?
It's so good.
You had the minds of the bad one, but we all sat down.
Yeah.
This was the best slam they could come up with against AOC.
After police got the shoelaces off her neck, AOC said, I like socialism, and then turned and walked into a tree.
I think I read this.
Another thing only very dumb people would do is regular smart people know how to walk around trees and not into them.
Everyone then laughed at her because she's dumb and no one likes her.
What an idiot.
That's beautiful.
Oh, Frank, that's music.
Music to our ears.
Oh, man.
Well, some people really didn't get that.
I thought, I was hoping.
There's an interesting way to divide our readers up.
Like, okay, these ones are kind of a little slower.
These ones get together.
We were trying to see if a bunch of boomers would share it unironically.
Yeah.
Did it work?
There were some.
Did anybody share it thinking it was a true story?
Probably.
What story that you guys have done got the most traction as being possible?
Let me preface this.
Last week, Tulsi Gabbard, Madam President, sued Hillary Clinton.
Okay.
And this was like one of my biggest tweets ever.
I photoshopped it.
I said, this is the weirdest aspect of the legal briefing.
Oh, I suck.
And it said, like, you know, bullet point five.
Oh, that was.
Tulsi Gabbard.
No, it's a naturalized thing.
It's got me for like five seconds.
I thought, and I, she is not, has never and does not intend to experience thoughts of suicide.
Right.
And I thought this was an obvious joke.
And Gutfeld's retweeting it.
All these people are retweeting it.
And it was not.
People thought it was serious.
Like, what of your articles has gone widest in terms of people actually believing it?
Got a number of them.
Yeah, we got a bunch.
Actually, the one that recently Snopes fact-checked was when we said that Hillary Clinton posted her condolences for Tulsi's suicide one day early.
That one just recently, that Jim Baker one's been going around.
Jim Baker's been going around.
We quoted Jim Baker, the televangelist, as saying Trump was merely sharing the gospel with that porn star.
And so that one's been going around.
And then the Liberty University, there's the new stained glass window of Trump.
That one got a ton of people believing that was real.
They really thought my Photoshop was real.
That was a lot more work to Photoshop than the documents.
And the best part is what they always say is like, you can't make this stuff up.
Then they'll share it.
I'm like, well, actually, we literally made that up.
Yeah.
Actually, we did.
Yeah, your edited thing of her legal document or whatever, it had me for like maybe five seconds, you know, and I'm reading it and I'm like, that's Michael Mouse.
Yeah, I didn't think for a second anyone would believe it because it was so, it like, I just, I don't know.
It just seems so ridiculous to me.
Like, oh, people are buying this.
The only other time I've seen documents like that were when I was helping my wife get through her, like, her divorce with her ex and all the psycho things that they wrote into those pages.
I just, I'll believe anything goes in those things.
Well, I was inspired because there was that, was it Neon Taster or Comfortably Smug when the book by Michael Wolf came out, Fire and Fury, and they had Photoshop that there's this page about the gorilla channel, and Trump watches it, and he yells at the gorillas, and now they have to make a gorilla channel.
And people, I think Ben Rhodes, I think, was sharing it.
And you're reading this and you're like, Trump knows, no matter how stupid you think Trump is, he knows gorillas on a television can't hear him and understand him.
Like, let's get them that level of like it touches reality.
And people bought it.
I'm like, I don't, it's hard for me to reverse engineer your thought process that you think this is real.
The stained glass is not ridiculous in the sense, maybe Liberty University, because it's kind of tongue-in-cheek and ironic and funny.
You could see someone doing that because it would be hilarious.
Yeah.
Very expensive.
Yeah.
If you see the photo, I mean, it's massive.
It's like in a church.
It's a massive, looks like a...
You did a good job on Photoshop.
I mean...
I mean, thank you.
Yeah, the Battle of Justice was fishing.
And I think around the same time, there was some Southern Baptist seminary that had stained glasses of like Rick Warren and these different preachers.
And so I think people were thinking about that.
They saw yours and it was like, ah, another one.
All right.
Well, should we just jump into our topic of the week here?
Let's do it.
Keep moving.
And now, the Babylon Bees Topic of the Week.
What about the topic of the week?
And just realizing now we didn't actually like you're relying on Michael Mouse to do all the heavy lifting here.
I think we were talking about the concert of the cathedral, but we talked about that a lot last time.
But how would you tie that into the whole impeachment stuff and just put it on right now?
We want to talk impeachment and we want to talk The narrative that's being built around that.
I think you're the guys are the only ones in this country who want to talk about it.
Yeah, that's what I said, right?
Yeah, I think we more want to talk about how dumb it is.
No, but I'm just, I was looking at somebody.
Not even the lefties are excited about it.
Yeah.
Like, no one, it's like happening totally on like the seventh channel you'd go through and flipping through your rotation.
It's like, all right, I guess I'll watch this because the other six are all reruns.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I saw some of the stats that, you know, the Kavanaugh hearings, tens of millions of people watching.
You know, the Comey hearings, a little bit less.
And it's just like people are getting more and more worn out until I think most recently it was like 8 million people on the last day of impeachment trial that has happened now.
We're watching it.
It's just done with their opening statements.
I have no idea.
Okay.
Yeah.
I would have to watch it.
I'm so confused about what it even means or it does.
It's nothing.
What is it?
Why?
Is it just so that, because if he gets impeached, he can still run for president for the second term, right?
Impeachment has no bearing on anything unless you're removed from office.
It has no bearing.
So is it just like getting called a dude?
And then you're stuck with that name.
Sure.
I actually tweeted this out, which is probably a lie, but that's okay.
Andrew Jackson was censored by either the House or Congress as a whole.
I don't remember.
And then four years later, or two, whatever, his party took over the Congress and they un-censored him, uncensored him.
So I said, you know, as soon as there's a Republican House, they can un-impeach him.
I don't think that's true, but it's good to spread these messages to have people have meltdowns.
Mike Huckabee has started this.
I had this tweet, which I, and the campaign's watching my stuff.
I had this tweet where I said, look, free troll, go to Trump rally, hold up Trump 2024 signs in front of the cameras and watch the meltdowns ensue.
And then Trump tweeted out a thing, you know, about how he's going to run for president in 2080.
Of course, Methuselah.
Oh, my God.
And Mike Huckabee tweeted out, watch me later going on Hannity, and I'm going to show why this impeachment invalidates his first term.
And I just signed on as Trump's campaign manager for his third term campaign, right?
As if it's like the second term's already like a beta complete.
And the freakouts, especially from like unironic conservatives, like, oh, what about this amendment?
Blah, blah, blah.
It's like, yeah.
You don't think Mike Huckabee's aware, even a little, that there's like a two-term limit?
Really?
You don't think he knows about this?
What else I love, the argument is they said, well, if Trump's impeached and removed from office, he's basically not going to recognize that as legitimate.
Okay, let's pretend that's true.
He locks the door of the Oval Office.
Now what happens?
Are they like, well, I guess he's still the president and can like, you know, appoint Supreme Court justices and sign laws?
I mean, he locked the door.
That's what Bill Maher always says, right?
He's always going on about like, oh, he's going to, you know what he's going to do?
He's just not going to, you know, not going to recognize it.
Even though he gets voted out, he's just going to stay there.
Okay.
And like, and they're going to listen to him.
And the act is really scared about it.
Like, bizarre.
How would this play out?
He makes fun of religious views, but like his view on this, it doesn't make any sense to me.
Like, he thinks Trump has some kind of godlike powers to control people's minds.
It's not like the holy of holies that if you're behind the resolute desk by definition, therefore you're the president.
You're there.
Like, if I'm sitting here, I'm the president in the house.
I better not get up.
It's like hot potato or something.
No, no, I need musical chairs.
It'll be like when Kramer pretended to work at that place in Seinfeld and then like they just kind of started working there, but he never got paid.
Right.
Just keeps clocking out.
That's such a weird argument.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I personally am very afraid of that happening.
Are you?
Trump terrified.
I'm literally shaking right now.
Hashtag.
Hashtag literally shaking.
Hashtag impeach.
So why is the press focused on impeachment even though nobody cares?
It definitely seems like it definitely seems like this narrative they're trying to push.
Yeah.
But people are just like, eh, me neither.
And so people are waking up to that a little bit.
Like when you were talking about CNN and how the left was mad at them because of all the Bernie stuff.
Sure.
I mean, how excited were you when you saw hashtag CNN as garbage or whatever?
It's trending from the left.
I was more excited than I saw this was comfortably smug who brought it to my attention after Warren pulled her stunt.
Because this is why I have no problem condemning Warren.
I believe it's certainly possible Bernie said, I don't think a woman can get elected in 2020.
They're acting as if he said, I don't think a woman should get elected.
Even if he had said, I don't think a woman could get elected.
If I sit here and tell you, I don't think a trans person can get elected, that's not being anti-trans.
That's probably or an atheist.
I think these are facts in America.
And that's something she's had to grapple with, obviously.
So they're being disingenuous there.
So that night, all of her tweets were getting bombed with snake emotions.
Snakes.
Stewart's calling her snakes.
She got ratioed on everything she posted.
And it was weird because people almost never, Trump never gets ratioed, right?
You're going to have more likes than comments, even if it's Trump, who's probably the most hated figure on Twitter and probably also most loved.
She started getting ratioed, which is unprecedented for a presidential candidate.
It was amazing.
Yeah.
And I actually figured out to do snake emoji hard return.
So the tweet was the full screen of just snakes, like a huge column of snakes.
You are truly an innovator in our time.
I feel like I am.
I'm actually leading discourse.
I'm spite funding, you know, people chimp in money for me to buy stuff I don't want.
A pair of pants with a tribal print.
They're from Japan.
So when she drops out, I'm going to wear them for a week.
So you can just go to michaelmouse.com/slash contribute, throw cash.
Would a Jake the Snake gift count?
No.
No.
I need to buy the pants.
They're from Japan.
They look Native American.
Yeah, so I mean, I was trying to make a sub-point to what Ethan was saying, in which way.
Yeah, well, you were asking about impeachment and why are they pushing that so hard?
I don't have an answer.
Maybe none of us do.
Like, are there stories?
Is there things they're trying to distract from?
We think that?
Well, the lizard people, they're trying to push away from the lizard people narrative.
I know what that's a euphemism for, and I don't appreciate it.
Just because I'm first book, come on, people.
That's not right.
I made this point earlier.
Molly Hemingway made it on Fox as well, which I was very glad to see.
I think conservatives think that the media is an arm of the Democratic Party.
And I think this impeachment demonstrates my conviction that it's actually the reverse.
Because let's suppose you're a Democratic politician, right?
And you go back to your constituents and they've heard for three years, Russia, Russia, Russia, collusion, corruption, blah, blah, blah.
How would I, as a member of the House, say, look, I think this guy's garbage.
I think he's evil.
I think he's the most worst president, racist, you know, disgusting for America.
This is not impeachable.
I don't have that space as a Democratic politician.
So I think that is making people appreciate where the evil comes from.
You know, without the media, Pelosi probably wouldn't have pulled this.
She didn't do it with George W. Bush.
And things would be a lot more reasonable.
I mean, it's their job to constantly foment frenzy among the masses and drive up the vitriol to a maximum level.
It's just also hilarious how they will have no problem blithely comparing Trump to Hitler, the Klan, just like the worst actors in history.
And when someone says, you guys are fake, they act like they're the biggest martyrs since.
How can you say that?
I'm just trying to, you hate the free press.
You hate freedom.
You hate freedom of speech.
It's like, no, I hate you.
I was trying to find that girl who tweeted about Kobe.
Oh, if you go on my Twitter, I quote-tweeted her.
I said, The difference between them.
So she deleted them, so I couldn't find her.
Oh, it's captured.
I said, The difference between a vulture and this wretch is that a vulture will wait until your body's cold before telling you everything that's wrong with you.
She's a horrible human being.
Just a horrible human being.
So I don't remember how much we summarized this, but right after Kobe died, she posted a link to Kobe's old rape case, a story about it.
And then later on, after she got ratioed hard, she says, Well, that was eye-opening.
And then goes on to say that she's being persecuted by all these people.
It was so funny to me.
It says, That is eye-opening, but then she still completely misses why people aren't.
I quoted that.
I said, That feel when you're of the devil, but seem to think you're as big of a martyr as Joan of Arc.
This is of the devil.
I'm sorry, when someone is just died, a family man who has many accomplishments to his name, and your first impulse is to denigrate him as much as possible.
There's something fundamentally evil and fundamentally wrong with you.
Yeah, that's messed up.
And the fact that you think it's your role to be like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, before you're mourning for this athlete that many people admire, keep in mind once he was accused and acquitted of something.
Okay, cool.
What do you think the goal is there to bring that up?
I think the goal is with the cathedral, it's always to define who is us and who are them and to make examples out of people.
And it could be: no matter what you do in life, if you fall out of line in any way, that is what is going to be used to define you.
And if we can do the, and they tried, they failed.
If we can do this to Kobe, imagine what we could do to you, you know.
And I had this other tweet: I said, look, I am very, very, very, very optimistic about the world and this country specifically.
And there's something called being blackpilled on the internet where you just think all hope is lost.
And those are the people I try to reach out to the most because if you look at who the corporate press has needlessly alienated in the last couple of years, these are unforced errors.
They have gone after, well, Trump, okay, fine, Trump fans, PewDiePie fans, Joe Rogan fans, but also Tulsi fans, Bernie fans, Kobe fans, Andrew Yang fans.
So when this is not a left-right issue, this is these, this is an entity that is evil and again, intent on using anything they can to maintain the hold of power.
And all of us have friends who have different political persuasions, and we can sit down and talk with them with no issues whatsoever.
This is something completely removed.
All of those friends would be mortified if someone they knew who was a veteran was being accused of being a white supremacist for playing the circle game.
Doesn't matter where you are politically.
If you're at all a decent person, which most people are, I think, you find that to be horrifying.
So this Felicia girl also added, It's hard to see what's accomplished by sending me messages such as these.
If your response to a news article is to resort to harassment and intimidation of journalists, you might want to consider that your behavior says more about you than the person you're targeting.
Yeah.
It's like you almost had it.
You were right there.
Like you never had it.
You almost got the point, you know.
Kind of reminds me of that one.
This is going back a bit, but the remember the guy who, you know, said, buy me a beer or whatever, and then he like made a whole bunch of money.
So he was giving the money to the children's hospitals.
So then they dug up and found the old told racist tweets when he was in high school.
And the journalist who had dug them up got like massively, he got doxxed and like they found all these bad tweets of his.
And his lesson he got out of it was: this must be what black people and women go through or something like that.
It was like the lesson.
Like, you were so close to getting the lesson.
His lesson that he got was that, oh, now I'm now oppressed just like other victims.
Yeah.
It was incredible.
It was shockingly amazing that that came with his takeaway.
I mean, it's kind of like Agatha Christie, but the murderer is always the same.
You know who the murderer is going to be.
Rebecca Long Bailey, who is possibly and probably going to be Jeremy Corbyn's successor as head of the Labour Party in Britain, who I'm desperately hoping gets that position because she's a real-life Titania McGrath.
She's 40 years old.
We just had him on last week.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, that's awesome.
Yeah, interesting.
Great.
So she had this whole tweet about poor Megan Markle because she's the victim of such hatred and racism.
I'm like, I go, there's literally no one on earth more privileged than an actual princess.
That's a synonym for privileged.
Oh, princess.
And this is who is your Rosa Parks.
And I really hope she takes over the Labor Party.
It's going to be a glorious thing.
Maybe that needs to be the next Disney princess.
The woke princess.
As like the oppressed.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
The oppressed woke princess.
I guess Cinderella was kind of oppressed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But that was before she was a prince.
Yeah.
No, no, she was always a princess, right?
No, no, because she got married by the prince.
Oh, it wasn't through, wasn't she secretly a princess through genetics?
No, no, that was like tangled or tangled.
Yeah, Rapunzel.
Okay.
So in Cinderella was the shoe.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Shoe.
You're like, yeah, I'm clear on that.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's just a maid.
No, but I didn't remember how she became a maid.
Is that ever clear?
Her father, her mom died.
Her father married some horrible, horrible woman's stepsister.
So they're like, yeah, okay.
Can you think the prince crap?
Yeah.
Because he's heteronormative.
Yeah.
And problematic.
Problematic.
Well, let's jump into some hate mail, shall we?
What do you think?
I really miss Adam Ford.
Never gets old.
Do we need a Phil Michael in?
I'm wide.
You know what?
He laughed.
It's funny.
It's so weird sounding.
Adam Ford founded the Babylon Bee.
Okay.
And so when he sold it, people decided that the B declined in quality.
Jumped the shark.
And they'll email us.
Whenever they don't like something we make, they say, I really miss Adam Ford.
That's funny.
So we took our BO guy saying that and put auto-tune to it.
Perfect.
So he's singing the story.
I really miss Adam F.
I guess it's not a long story.
That's the whole story.
That's it.
All right.
So here's some hate mail.
We're doing like a rapid fire hate mail.
We got like four.
We got a bunch.
Okay.
We got a lot of fun.
How do people get your hate mail to you?
We get a lot of like the contact form on our website.
Got it.
Sometimes we'll pull Facebook comments or Twitter.
Dan, are you ready with the flowerbed?
For F-words, we use a special button.
We have a bleep button.
Or any Any Swear.
Are you ready?
Okay.
So this is from someone named Trump Supporter.
I know that guy.
What the flowerbed is the Babylon Bee?
Never heard of you.
Go back under your rock and flowerbed yourself.
Simple?
Correct?
Someone, False Song, someone who follows me had this great tweet.
He goes, It's a very simple person who thinks his ignorance of a subject is a commentary on the subject that he's ignorant of.
I never heard of you.
Therefore, you guys are dumb.
I don't understand this math.
Therefore, the math is stupid.
No offense, but we haven't heard of you either, sir.
You've never heard of a Trump supporter?
Yeah, that's true.
Not here.
Not in California.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true, too.
You guys are full of truth.
All right.
So I'll do the next one.
This is from a guy named Don.
I won't give his last name just to protect him.
It's not Trump.
Okay.
Reason complain.
Message.
If you're going to post TV videos, news clips, we don't actually run them unedited and let us decide for ourselves if you're full of flowerbed.
How in the flowerbed can I believe you're when there's no actual proof?
Paper lays there for anyone to write on, and I don't like propaganda, which is exactly what you're producing.
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm sorry.
Read that line about paper again because that is so well.
That is like a colon.
Kind of.
It is so beautiful in its insanity.
Wait, read it again.
I started tearing up when I was reading that last line.
Paper lays there for anyone to write on, and I don't like propaganda.
Paper lays there for any.
I'm going to tweet that out.
That is a beautiful sentence.
I don't even like it.
Paper lays there for anyone to lie on.
It's so deep that I don't get it.
To write on or lie on?
Write on.
To write on.
Okay, paper.
He's saying anybody can tell any story or anything.
Is that what he's trying to say?
Like, anybody can be a journalist.
Like, we're just sitting there and there's a stack of paper and we're like, hmm, maybe we should write some fake news.
There's this sign that says community paper take one.
Please write a story.
Oh, my.
That's beautiful.
No propaganda, please.
All right, here's the next one.
Yeah.
From Rita.
Rita says, I do not want you on my news feed.
I do not like satire and want you removed.
It's like, it's too bad.
She called tech support.
It's too bad social networks don't have some way for you to.
If only there was some function.
See, like, they could call it like unfollowing.
Yeah, someone.
You're unsubscribing.
I want you removed.
I want you removed.
It's dangerous.
She wants us to remove ourselves so she doesn't have to do any work.
Well, I love that on Twitter.
Someone comes up to me and they go, shut up.
It's like, you just went up to a stranger.
Like you're just chatting with your friends and someone walks up.
Shut up.
Like, oh, what?
All right.
Last one.
This guy calls himself Boomer.
Kind of.
It's part of his email address, but we won't give his whole thing.
We're not going to dox him.
Reason.
Report.
Message.
Flowerbed.
Y'all.
Y'all.
Flowerbed.
Saying fake.
Flowerbed.
That old timer shooting the man.
If he would have not been there to support everyone.
Oh, wait, guys.
This is about.
This is about Jack Wilson, the church, the guy who defended the church against that.
We'll say that now that you know the context.
That old timer shooting the man.
If he would have not been there to support everyone, a whole church would be dead.
You're probably just some sand.
Flowerbed.
Some Molina.
I know what that word was.
That's ungrateful for your citizenship, even though you could be back in the Middle East, either married to a man 30 years older than you or dead from the constant violence and decapitated.
That really escalated.
I did not expect to have that word alluded to today.
You didn't wake up this morning expecting to do that one, huh?
Add more bleep to that.
Maybe.
Just bleep the whole thing.
That was brutal, man.
That was brutal.
I like how he had this idea that we were against like.
Yeah, I was so confused by it because we were very pro that guy.
Yeah, we were like, I think most people in general.
I don't think this is like a 50-50 split.
Do you think it's good that he's not?
Is that mad that they're like, man, we really want guns to be taken away, so it sucks when this happens?
I'm like, that's too bad.
They really thought we were on the pro-terrorist side, which was interesting.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Good stuff.
Thank you.
Please keep sending it.
What do you want to promote?
If you want to promote anything, you need the new right?
I guess if people want to read the books, the new right is about the non-conservative or unorthodox right wing and the history of it.
So that came out in May, which it did very well.
And my other book, if you want to know everything you need to know about North Korea in one sitting, it's Dear Reader, the unauthorized autobiography of Kim Jong-il.
And I figured out a way, which you guys would appreciate with what work you do, is to take the story of North Korea and find humor in it, even though it's very, very, very dark humor.
But that makes it palatable.
And then you can be followed.
Michael Malis.
We'll put that all in the show notes.
And I apologize in advance to all the God-fearing listeners.
Yes.
Michael Malice.
Just some flower beds.
We didn't get any complaints when I asked compliments.
Can I tell you a story?
Yeah.
I was speaking at a think tank many years ago and someone said HE double hockey sticks or something or darn.
And there are a lot of kids in the audience were Christians and they complained to the guys running it.
They go, let's watch the language.
And they pull me aside and they go, you know, this is a situation.
And I go, one of my books that I co-author has the F-word in the title.
Like, can I not mention it?
And he's like, no, I guess that's different.
I go, look, I won't use foul language, but I am going to have my Aunt Frank jokes.
Are you okay with that?
And he's like, he goes, just do what you want.
And I got no complaints.
So I think there is a difference, and people understand this when people are vulgar for the sake of being vulgar and they think they're being transgressive or trashy.
And then it's, you know, someone's from Brooklyn and sometimes it slips out.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think, I mean, I know so many Christians that listen to Rogan.
And we're used to being in a world of swearing.
And a lot of us, we, and even that, like, I think that for us, we're creating this, you know, I swear among friends, but like I understand the enjoyment of a break from it for Christians.
It's like, it's so nice to have like a podcast.
You know, it's not, it's just, you don't have to worry about it.
Just nice to have a little break from it.
It's a place for you.
You don't have to be the tourist all the time.
This is our place.
It's a safe space.
Yeah.
People joke, but that term has merit.
Yeah.
Totally.
Like with your friends, right?
Your house is a safe space.
Come here.
You're safe.
You can say whatever you want.
Yeah.
Not my house.
My house is very unsafe.
Well, and I think there's a difference, too, between like people who cuss as though they just discovered the F-word.
Yeah.
Right.
Who think they're being grown up?
Right.
If you think you're making yourself more grown up by swearing, then that's yeah.
All right.
Well, we're going to go into our subscriber portion with Michael still here.
We're going to get a few more stories out.
Anything else, Kyle?
We'll get Michael to say some candid things.
Candid.
Sorry, freeloaders.
Your ride ends here.
That's right.
We are kicking you off the train.
We're going to talk about Taco Tuesday.
We're going to talk about I'm trying to find some good tantalizing.
Oh, March for Life.
Oh, some Bernie Sanders stuff.
All right.
Oh, Joe Rogan.
Okay, we're going to get into some more of that stuff in the subscriber portion.
Anything else we're going to say?
Will Dave say the rest?
I think Dave says it all.
All right, cool.
Bye.
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Ethan would like to thank Seth Dillon for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.
Until next time, this is Dave D'Andrea, the voice of the Babylon Bee, reminding you to send any evidence you have on Epstein to the media so that it can be immediately disposed of.