Episode 28: The War On Christmas - 2019 Christmas Special
In the twenty-eighth episode of The Babylon Bee podcast, editor-in-chief Kyle Mann and creative director Ethan Nicolle welcome you to the Babylon Bee Christmas Special which will be much much better than the Star Wars Holiday special. Well, at least better than The Last Jedi. Kyle and Ethan talk to Captain Andy Miller of the Salvation Army, bring in two scholars to debate the existence of Santa Claus, talk Christmas movies, and read listener submitted stories. Pre-order the new Babylon Bee Best-Of Coffee Table Book coming in 2020! And if you need a last-minute Christmas gift, get someone a Bee subscription! Show Outline Stories Of The Week: Christmas stories over the years Story 1 (2018) - Mall Santa Arrested For Punching Man Who Denied Divinity Of Christ Story 2 (2017)- New Museum Memorializes Fallen Heroes In The War On Christmas Story 3 (2016)- Starbucks Unveils New Satanic Holiday Cups Dramatic Poem: The War On Christmas Interview: A conversation with Captain Andy Miller III of The Salvation Army. Andy Miller is a sixth-generation Salvation Army officer who loves Jesus, his family, and the opportunity to serve God through The Salvation Army. He and his wife, Captain Abby Miller, have been officers since 2007. Andy is Area Commander of The Salvation Army - Tampa. Main Topic: Christmas The Great Debate for the Existence Of Santa with William Lane Kringle and Scrooge McDawkins Kyle and Ethan's Top Five Christmas movies: #5 Kyle: Die Hard, Ethan: Jingle All The Way #4 Kyle: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, Ethan: Gremlins #3 Kyle: Home Alone, Ethan: Die Hard #2 Kyle: It's Christmas Time Again, Charlie Brown, Ethan: A Christmas Story #1 Kyle: The Santa Clause, Ethan: Home Alone Listener submitted Christmas stories Paid Subscriber Portion: Should you tell your kids Santa is real? Kyle, Ethan, and Dan debate. More listener stories Ethan and Kyle share their own Christmas stories Dave DeAndrea reads NOEL By JRR Tolkien Become a paid subscriber at https://babylonbee.com/plans
In a world of fake news, this is news you can trust.
Winning the war on Christmas, even though candy canes are gross, you're listening to the Babylon B with your hosts, Kyle Mann and Ethan Nicole.
Oh, the fake news outside is frightful, but satire is so delightful.
And Babylon B is dope.
Let it snopes, let it snopes, let it snopes.
Yes, we are sitting here by the fire.
With a cup of cheer.
The cup of cheer.
Who put those chestnuts on that fire?
They're roasting quite nicely.
I love that scent of chestnuts.
An eggnog boiling in the pot.
I love that we made Dave say dope.
Yeah.
Is that a drug reference?
It's a definite drug reference.
Everything is dope.
I can't think of anything good that's well, not the drugs are good, but that somebody would say a good thing about the word.
I'm just, I don't like it.
It was between.
I'm troubled.
It was between dope, fat, and tight.
Yeah, what could you rhyme with Snopes?
And only dope rhymed with Snopes.
Snopes.
Dope.
Yeah.
Did you say dope as a junior hire?
No, I was never that cool.
No.
I was into dope.
I mean, I wasn't into dope, but I said dope.
You said it?
Yeah.
310.
Yeah.
I said dope.
So this is our Christmas episode.
Very excited.
And by the way, I'm sick as a dog right now, so I'm going to try not to cough from the microphone too much, but we might have to edit some coughs out of this thing because I'm dying.
Okay.
Well, we can do that.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
So this is our first holiday episode, right?
Well, we did Thanksgiving episode.
Kind of, but it was a filler.
We just did Brian Gadawa and we just recorded.
Oh, yeah, we didn't do a Thanksgiving episode.
We didn't really do an official Thanksgiving episode.
So this is our first.
All right.
So the much anticipated, long-awaited Babylon B Christmas special.
Yes.
A lot of things going on.
We're going to read some Christmas stories.
We have a brief interview with the Salvation Army and ways for you to go help out the Salvation Army.
They were embroiled kind of in that little Chick-fil-A controversy, so we have a little discussion about that.
What else do we have?
We're going to have an epic debate between two scholars on the subject of the existence of Santa Claus.
A little apologetics for everybody.
It's important to equip people.
A little fala la la la apologetics.
That was a stretch.
That was a stretch.
We also have some stories from listeners.
So you guys have been emailing us a bunch of stories.
We couldn't get to all of them.
We picked out a good, I don't know, 10, 12 stories, and we're going to go through them.
I have some of my own.
Oh, no.
And that deep groan that you heard from across the land.
No, I'm just kidding.
I love your stories.
They're very special to me.
We're also going to count down our top five Christmas movies.
Yes.
We will.
And yeah, so let's do it, man.
All right.
Ready to dive in?
First, we're going to do some weekly stories.
Let's do it.
Every week, there are stories.
These are some of them.
Maul Santa arrested for punching man who denied divinity of Christ.
Kapow.
So is Santa like a Christian?
Well, we'll get to that later when we debate his existence.
Okay.
And we have that with those two scholars that are coming in.
When I saw it, because I'm making the book, I actually didn't get this one.
No.
Yeah, bad on the show if I admit I don't get a joke of ours.
kind of an apocryphal story but but there is a story that went around saying that uh kind of a legend that oh a real santa did this saint nicholas the saint oh the real one punched arius right am i right dan who did knows all this stuff that i don't know he should be the one co-hosting who denied the divinity of christ yeah supposedly this was at the council of nicaea and they were you know coming up with the nicene creed and all that and debating and saint nick was there Saint Nick was supposedly there.
And what is this?
Narnia?
Throwing Saint Nick in there?
So I guess you could say he was the Mike Tyson of church history.
So he punched.
Supposedly.
I've heard people's got a plan until they get punched in the face.
That's Mike Tyson.
His best quote.
That's a good quote for just for life.
Yeah.
You get punched in the face and your plans.
I've heard that about war too.
You have a plan and then the shots start firing and the plan doesn't matter anymore.
Just like satire.
Just like satire.
You have a joke and then you get punched in the face.
The bullets and the bricks and the punches.
Yeah, it's a hard life.
So Maul Santa is a real hero.
So thank you for your service, Maul Santa.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll do the next story.
New museum memorializes fallen heroes in the war on Christmas.
If you are a hero, a veteran of the war on Christmas, we just want to thank you for your service this holiday.
I mean, Christmas season.
That was a close one.
That was close.
Yeah, for us, Christmas is really more of like Veterans Day.
Yeah, that's more of a real...
It's a never forget kind of day.
Never forget.
Because, yeah, it's a day of war.
It's a time of war, really.
How many millions of people do you think have died so far in the war on Christmas?
Countless.
There was the brave hero Kurt Cameron who saved Christmas.
We hang shell cartridges on the Christmas tree.
One for each dead.
I don't know.
Yeah.
Yeah, you light a candle and like you are waiting for their return.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So we had a fallen hero in the war on Christmas yesterday.
There was about 30, 40 mile an hour winds at our house.
And we put out Santa.
We have a big inflatable Santa and a big inflatable.
Isn't that sacrilege?
Probably.
We have a big inflatable Santa and a big inflatable snowman.
And the Santa, I saw him down the street in a bush.
I've always, like, when I look at those on the street.
Wait, hang on, I'm not done.
Oh, sorry.
And then the snowman is just completely gone.
I have no idea.
He blew away.
He's gone forever.
And he's just, he got raptured.
He melted.
So when I see those inflatable giant things in people's lawns, I think, why would anybody buy that?
And I'm always curious to ask the people who bought it why they would buy that.
And now I know a guy.
Here I am.
Why would you buy that?
I don't know.
My wife did.
Oh, okay.
I'm not really a fan.
You know, I'm not a huge fan, but I do like how festive our house looks, though.
Yeah.
Do you guys ever go up to the Thoroughbred Lights?
Yeah.
There's a lot of those inflatable lights.
Have you guys done that this year?
We haven't done it this year yet.
You guys want to go?
Oh, family.
Like family.
Families?
Yeah.
It's drive-only now, though, right?
At this time of year, you can't.
You're right.
I think they changed it, didn't they?
Every year it gets more policed until it's going to be like the police stayed up there.
And then what's the point of going?
I mean, I know.
Because if we went all as a family, it'd be like walking and having hot chocolate.
We could all hire a babysitter to watch all our kids and we could all go in one car as couples.
So the kids.
Because our kids hate they're too spoiled.
Well, the younger kids will like it, but the two, we have like our junior high.
I'm like, do I have to?
Yeah, that's how our 11-year-old is.
Yeah.
I want to film a video of her, like being all bitter about Christmas lights and like, do I have to?
And then I want to play it for her when she grows up and has a kid.
And she's trying to get them to go see the lights.
I'm like, here, you deserve this.
That's a great idea.
Is that too vengeful?
Oh, that's awesome.
I think now.
And then there's so many opportunities to do that.
I'd be creating like an encyclopedia of these moments for her.
Well, it used to be hard to do because you had to get out the giant family video camera and now you can record them all the time.
Oh, I'm just texting someone to film you.
That's great.
All right.
Here's story number three.
Starbucks unveils new satanic holiday cups.
So these are kind of greatest hits.
This is an older one.
They were all doing Christmas-themed.
So this was one of our first ones that got snoped, if I remember right.
Yeah.
I've seen this one.
I remember seeing an email coming about this one.
Every time it gets shared, and Sundays, this is one of those that just flares up where we don't even share it.
Someone else finds it and shares it.
I think it's real.
I can't believe this.
You can't make this stuff up.
And then they share it and it goes around.
So it's nice.
There's a pentagram on the cup.
That was one of my first Photoshops, too.
There's the pentagram on the cup.
And it wasn't great, but it was okay.
And I think, didn't you do a new version for the best of book?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's got a big fallen goat on it.
There's blood everywhere and a goat being sacrificed in the background.
I'm too lazy to do all that.
But Reese does with like hoods on and a circle.
That's hot.
I've ever seen an email coming about that.
And the lady was so nice about it, but she was like, Hello.
I have a tough time believing Starbucks would do this, but you know, I don't want to call you liars or whatever.
It's really sweet, though.
Would you please show me the information?
What's the source of information?
Yeah, I don't know if this is accurate, but according to the website, I'm looking at the article and it's got 1.8 million shares.
Yeah, that's probably right.
That's massive.
These are our B of Babylon B numbers.
Yeah.
It's a big hit.
And it just, it's because we've shared it since 2016.
So every year it gets more and more and more.
Well, then the original controversy was that what did Starbucks have?
Like a happy holidays cup or something?
I don't even know that there was a controversy.
It's just one of those things.
There's something.
It's one of those things where there's like three people.
It's not really a controversy.
There might be three people that are creates.
Yeah, the controversy.
The controversy is always their cups don't say Merry Christmas this year.
They say happy holidays or something.
Yeah.
Well, didn't they have like a snowman or a Christmas tree or a snowflake on it?
And then they just took that off and then it was just a red cup.
Oh, I don't know.
Yeah, maybe it's not even.
I think my favorite part of this article is Christian groups expressed concern over this new design, but many believers were reportedly relieved that Starbucks was not promoting something like unity or tolerance.
Sorry, Christians.
We are your brothers and sisters in Christ, so you can't get mad at us.
In the spirit of the holidays, we all know that the war on Christmas is real.
The battle is being waged every day, but it only ramps up as the day approaches.
And so we have this very somber poem, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remove your hats, as Dave D'Andrea does a dramatic reading of the poem, The War on Christmas.
Twas the night before Christmas, the battle was waged.
This holiday is not all-inclusive, they raged.
Landmines were buried under piles of snow, waiting for orthodox statements of faith.
Then they blow.
Christian soldiers lay traumatized, half of them dead.
As visions of Starbucks cups flashed in their heads on a satanic banner, a blasphemous disgrace.
They took Christ out of Christmas, put an X in his place.
Nativity scenes, now scenes of horror and destruction.
And the ACLU's onslaught of liberal corruption.
They tore down the green and red decorations, replaced them with rainbow flags.
Oh, what devastation.
But out of the smoldering wreckage and despair came a marmalade glow with a halo of hair.
Have hope, Christian soldier.
Be of good cheer.
They can't take away Christmas.
No, not this year.
They can take down the trees, silence our songs.
But there in the White House, a warrior stands strong.
A president eternal.
Trump stands in their way.
The war on Christmas isn't over.
Not today.
Did you know we have a store?
Yeah, a lot of people don't know that the Babylon Bee has a store.
We have all sorts of stuff in there.
Crazy t-shirts that you can only get from us.
We got a new Beerstein, which clearly is not meant for holding anything alcoholic.
We have hats, stickers, mugs.
There's all kinds of stuff in there for you.
Just check it out.
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You people out there who forgot to get a Christmas gift for your loved ones and you've run out of time, just go to BabylonB.com backslash gift and you can buy somebody one here.
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You can pitch headlines.
It's totally worth it to subscribe.
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This thing's going to be packed with all kinds of brand new pictures and even more jokes than your heart could desire.
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Lock in the price now.
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Let's move on to our interview with Andy Miller.
You want to do that?
Sure.
Yeah, this was cool because I didn't know much about Salvation Army and I learned some.
Yeah, I learned some too.
He's a captain.
Captain.
And he's a fan of the Babylon B.
Oh, Captain My Captain of Salvation Army.
So let's do this.
Presenting an exclusive Babylon B interview.
Well, everybody, stand at attention because we are here with an authentic Army captain.
That's right.
The Salvation Army, that is.
The grizzled veteran.
The grizzled Salvation Army veteran Andy Miller, who is a sixth generation Salvation Army officer achieving the rank of captain.
How you doing, Andy?
I'm doing well.
I've never had such an introduction.
Very solemn.
You know, we respect the troops here.
That's right.
So thank you for your service.
Well, I'm honored to give it.
Honored to give it.
All right.
So how do you become a captain in the Salvation Army?
Do you have to go to like a military academy or something?
Or how did you get to where you are?
Well, it's interesting how that it's not exactly an academy.
It's similar.
There's a process called a training school or training college where everywhere the Salvation Army serves in 131 countries around the world, they're connected kind of like a conference, maybe in the Methodist church or a district in other denominations.
We have territories.
So there are four territories for the Salvation Army in the United States.
And there are four training schools.
There's one in LA, so you guys can enlist today.
And then in Atlanta, Chicago, and New York.
And so you go through a two-year training process.
It's a residential program similar to like a Christian liberal arts school.
And you go through there, and then you get to be commissioned actually as a lieutenant is for the first five years.
And then you get to achieve the high rank of captain, like I am.
Oh, wow.
That's awesome.
So, how many like battles or wars have you fought?
Yeah, many, many.
Yeah.
I'm in a few of them right now.
You still have all your limbs?
I do.
I have all of my limbs at the moment.
I haven't received a purple heart yet.
So we were just talking before the episode started recording, and we always thought the Salvation Army had the Santa hats and was ringing bells outside things, but I guess that's not a real Salvation Army thing.
That's right.
Do you guys believe?
Do you believe in Santa?
I do not believe in Santa, I'm sorry to say, but we do use them.
Every now and then, a Santa Claus does want to, somebody wants to ring bells for us that has a Santa outfit.
I'm glad for that happened.
I think it's kind of become associated kind of with Americana sort of feels like when you see a movie like Christmas Story starts off with a Salvation Army band.
Other movies will often have a Salvation Army band on the street corner or something.
And so they've kind of merged a few ideas of the Santa Claus and the Salvation Army together.
Right.
Got it.
So if the Salvation Army is like an army or a military force, what are like the Navy SEALs of the Salvation Army?
Oh, man, that's a good question.
Well, I imagine it could be the people who are serving the hardest places, right?
So a lot of times in the United States, we're generally thought of as a charity.
Like people know us for the work we do for the homeless, for the hungry, for after-school programs for kids.
But a lot of there's throughout the Salvation Army's history, believe it or not, there has been persecution of salvationists, particularly in the early days.
But even now, I mean, there's places where the Salvation Army is serving in countries where they are not open to the gospel, where salvationists are often at times killed.
But in the early days, there was a group.
You'll think this is interesting, I think.
There was a counter-movement that came up with the Salvation Army in England.
We started in 1865 in England, and there was a group that came together.
They called themselves the Skeleton Army.
And they would fight against, they would come against us in, we'd have meetings on the street, and they would often come and they would throw not just tomatoes, but often bricks.
We have many people who died in the early days of the Salvation Army.
So I think those folks who were really putting their lives on the line, they'd be the Navy SEALs of the Salvation Army.
Wow, the Skeleton Army.
That sounds made up.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
That's crazy.
Made to me a movie.
So what happened, the reason that happened is that often when the Salvation Army would come to town, people would stop drinking and people would get converted.
And the bars would lose business in that time.
So it was the bar owners, the pub owners in England who put together these skeleton armies.
And that's actually how we ended up having brass bands in the Salvation Army too.
Was they would come and they would sing.
Well, like you can imagine a little group of Salvation Army soldiers on a street corner singing and witnessing.
Then all of a sudden what would happen is these skeleton armies would come up and they would sing the bar songs louder and they were like to be competing.
Well, eventually a group of guys came to kind of protect the Salvation Army and then they started using their brass instruments to play over them so they could be louder.
So that's how we ended up having brass bands because of the, is in part because of the persecution.
And then the drunkards invented heavy metal.
And then they outplayed us, yeah.
Yeah, what's your strategy to get louder than heavy metal?
Oh, yeah, I'm still working on that.
All right, so uh, recently there's been a little bit of a controversy with Chick-fil-A saying that they were going to stop donations to certain organizations, including uh Salvation Army.
Uh, can you give us a little rundown on what happened with that?
Yeah, so in November, um, with Salvation Army, often like in our local context, receives funding.
Like even just this past weekend, uh, Chick-fil-A in our area, I'm in Tampa, Florida.
They host a big Christmas festival and they have lights, and our band played at that, and they gave us free chicken sandwiches.
It was a great thing, but at the corporate level, their foundation refocused their giving areas.
And then, when that happened, we were no longer part of that.
But the history has been, I think people who listen to your podcast and follow Babylon B probably know that there was a bit of a history at this where Dan Kathy had been one to speak for traditional marriage.
And as a result of that, there was like a appreciation, Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.
And I think a lot of the evangelical community sees them as somebody who aligns with their vision for the world and their worldview in general.
So all that's kind of like at the backdrop of this.
And then eventually they've received a lot of pressure.
And then we were at least just a kind of actually a small area of funding from their foundation.
We no longer received that.
But at the same time, it seemed to be, at least to many people, looking like they were caving to the political pressure.
Now, at the same time, that I'm not certain that that's the case, but it did seem like there came out, there'd be stories that they were supporting other groups that were more in favor of LGBT causes.
But what's so awkward in all this for us is that Salvation Army, our mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and meet human needs in his name without discrimination.
We are probably the largest provider of services to people in the LGBT community.
I mean, even at the shelter that I have the privilege of serving right here in Tampa, I mean, we know that we're serving people who are part of that community.
We serve without discrimination while at the same time holding a biblical view of marriage as a denomination.
So that's a little bit what happened.
I think some people felt betrayed.
We appreciate whatever Chick-fil-A had done for us in the past and what they do for us on a local level.
But it was a little surprising that that had come up.
And then what's hard for us is that we end up then looking like we are anti-LGBT, like or anti-anybody.
And that's just not the case.
And that's unfortunate.
So LGBT person comes up to Salvation Army to receive help.
And you guys don't like chase them off with pitchforks, torches.
I know we're an army.
Pull the cross.
Be gone.
Be gone from here.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's kind of the impression that was given, I think, because people kept saying, well, Chick-fil-A donates to anti-LGBTQ organizations.
And, you know, Salvation Army's kind of lumped in there.
There was a few others.
I'm not sure that any of those organizations were actually anti-LGBTQ in their, in what they actually do.
You know, you can talk about beliefs or core values or whatever being one thing, but the services you actually provide, you know, you try to provide to everyone, it seems like.
Absolutely.
I mean, it is critical.
I mean, I think it's the call of the gospel is to make sure that we are open and available to everyone.
And we make that really clear, particularly on the service side.
We want everyone to know that the love of Jesus motivates what we do.
We don't make that a requirement for people to receive gifts from us at Christmas or to receive a meal or receive shelter.
Just in the Tampa Bay area, we have more than 500 people that had a place to stay last night because of ministry of the Salvation Army.
And globally, you know, in the 131 countries where we serve, there's 125,000 people that will stay in the Salvation Army bed tonight.
So all of that comes because we want to extend the love of Jesus to other people as a result of what Jesus has done for us.
So it's just like it's so clear that that's not the case.
And I think that that's what other people resonate with within the evangelical community is that, hey, we, of course, are open to serving everybody and welcoming everybody in our church.
And the Salvation Army is in a unique position of doing that because not many other churches want to start homeless shelters and not many other churches starting rehab programs.
And that's how God has directed the Salvation Army to operate.
Yeah, I think it's one of the most frustrating things about all this is just caving to the idea that to not completely endorse the LGBTQ agenda means hate.
Like if you don't completely endorse it, then you're bad and you hate it.
Right.
And to agree with that, or it feels like agreeing with that, to say, to kind of take that stance.
So this is our Christmas episode.
And I would like to know, since your line of work probably provides it, I think we're finishing up the interview here, but I would love to hear if you have an anecdotal, heartwarming Christmas story from the Salvation Army for us for this Christmas.
Yeah, well, I'll pull one out.
I guess I got a couple.
No preparation.
No preparation.
On the spot.
Yeah, so I'll tell two quick stories.
So there was a girl that got involved in our program, a 13-year-old girl.
She is in a difficult place in our family.
Her mom's seventh husband did not like the fact that she was coming to the Salvation Army and said that if you go back to the Salvation Army, you're going to get kicked out of this house.
That's a husband army.
The seventh husband said that.
And so I said that to this girl.
And so she actually came back, believe it or not, to the Salvation Army.
And this is in Portsmouth, Ohio.
And so when she came back, her bags were on the doorstep for her.
And she went back to the Salvation Army.
And thankfully, the Salvation Army officers were there preparing for an audit the next day.
And she found shelter at the Salvation Army and eventually was adopted by those Salvation Army officers.
And that woman is my grandmother, Joan Miller.
Oh, wow.
It's one of those cool twists at the end of the day.
There you go.
I was that woman.
That was me.
I was that 13-year-old girl.
You're a little biased.
Yeah.
So I come, I have six generations in my family that have been involved with the Salvation Army.
Like everybody else, I have four grandparents, and three of them came to the Salvation Army with a story similar to that, like where they were on the receiving end of the Salvation Army services.
So you're a military brat, as they say.
Yeah, I guess so.
So you're right.
So you have a second story.
We'll edit out the one that's not as good.
Okay, okay.
Well, I was, I was, it's a similar, it was going to be my other grandfather.
I don't know if you want me to.
I would love to hear.
I was totally joking.
He was joking.
I can't get this guy to be serious.
So there was in Kansas City, Missouri, in the Depression, there was a kid.
He got in a fistfight in front of the Salvation Army building.
His name was Cotton.
And he got in trouble.
And the police officer, a police officer, came and broke the fight up and took cotton into the Salvation Army to see the captain there.
His name is Captain J. Codd Cox.
And he took him in and he said, Can you do something for this kid?
He's been in and out of trouble for so much, we don't know what to do with him.
And so he said, If you come to the Salvation Army for the next six Sundays and come to Sunday school, I'll give you a cornet, like a trumpet.
And so, I mean, we'll let you be in our band.
And that was the first time that he had ever been offered anything.
And so he took him up on the offer and he came back and he said, Where's my cornet after six weeks?
And he joined the band and he became a Salvation Army officer and eventually was leading the Salvation Army's disaster work in Chicago when he retired.
And he got a proclamation from the old Mayor Daly.
And he said, This all started with a cornet.
And that's really kind of what the Salvation Army does: we offer people maybe it's a cold water, maybe it's a meal in the middle of disaster, maybe it's shelter, maybe it is a safe place for a kid to be after school.
But we're offering people those type of things.
And here's a little punchline.
I know you know it's coming, but and that guy, Cotton, was my grandfather.
There you go.
That man's name was Barack Obama.
I heard a lot of similarities to the story about corn pop.
Yeah, I thought it was corn pop.
That's right.
Corn pop.
I was waiting for the corn pop review.
There was no nothing to do with hairy legs or being innocent pool.
Nothing like that.
Did he have a sidekick named Q-Tip?
That's right.
I'm sorry.
Could just keep going.
So if people would like to, if people are feeling a Christmas spirit rising up in their hearts, their heart is growing three sizes.
There's more mirthiness.
And they're looking down and seeing all the kids sing about Christmas.
And their heart of ice is melting.
Where can they go to support the Salvation Army's efforts?
Well, you'll probably, if this has come out before Christmas, you'll probably see our red kettles in front of Walmarts and various grocery stores and malls all over.
But you can go to salvationarmyusa.org and you can make a gift there.
83 cents of every dollar goes directly to programs and services for the Salvation Army nationally.
That's something that we're able to say.
And so one of the things happens is the Salvation Army's mission is always localized.
And so we serve in every zip code in America.
And what we do in Tampa might be different from what we do in Chicago based upon the needs of that community.
But our mission to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ and meet human needs in His name without discrimination adapts to each community.
So some places will have family shelters, some single men and women shelters, some rehab programs, some youth services, some senior services.
And everywhere that is, I mean, many people might not know this.
The Salvation Army is a church.
So I'm the pastor of the Salvation Army Church.
And as a result of the work that we do, everywhere the Salvation Army is, there's a local congregation that's missionally guiding those services.
So anyway, I just encourage you to volunteer to find opportunities to give back.
And a lot of people know the Salvation Army during Christmas time, but we're serving people 365 days a year.
Awesome.
Well, thanks a lot.
And again, thank you for your service.
Yes, Dan, Dan, do you think you can edit this down so that he just says Salvation Army hates gay people?
Thank you.
Dan says yes.
All right.
Thanks so much for joining us.
We appreciate it.
Yeah, thanks for having me, Dan.
And now, the Babylon Bees topic of the week.
Topic of the week is Christmas, correct?
This is the Christmas special.
Can't you see the fire that's crackling here?
The Christmas music of the week.
Christmas.
A holiday.
Pagan holiday.
Pagan holiday.
Repackaged.
I don't really know all that stuff.
I've just heard that.
Okay, so Christmas.
So we have a lot of stuff here, Christmas.
So here's what we're going to do.
We're going to start out with a debate.
And the question that this debate is trying to answer is: Santa Claus is real or hoax invented by Satan.
And in order to good Santa or is he an evil Santa?
Is that within the scope of this debate?
Maybe.
Okay.
Well, if we go there, we go there.
For the pro-Santa side, we have here with us esteemed scholar Nathan Y. Cole.
Actually, my name is William Lane Kringle.
Did you already put that on?
No, I just made it up.
William Lane Kringle.
And for the anti-Santa side, Michael Satan.
Michael Satan.
They wouldn't anti-Santa.
That wouldn't be Satan.
That would be the answer.
We were playing with Richard Scrooge McDawkins.
That's good.
Scrooge McDawkins.
Why didn't you guys tell me this stuff?
We were talking about it right in front of you.
You were on your phone all the time.
I didn't hear it.
All right.
So Dan is going to be the moderator.
So you'd like to introduce us.
Yeah.
So we have Scrooge McDawkins taking the anti-Santa side.
And we have William Lane Kringle, defender of the faith here.
And the rules are that you have 30 seconds to put forth an argument for your position.
And then there will be a 15-second time for a rebuttal.
Okay.
Boo.
If you abide by those rules, I will mute you.
Boo.
Well, with respect to my opponent here, I guess I'll begin with the Kalam chimneological argument.
One.
Whatever comes down the chimney must be a magical being.
Santa comes down the chimney.
Therefore, Santa Claus is a magical being.
Objection.
Your rebuttal.
Oh, rebuttal.
We're not in court.
Santa cannot be good.
Because if children get toys, we know that Santa does not get toys, but gives them.
There is no record of Santa ever receiving toys.
Therefore, he cannot be a good Santa, a good sir.
But if Santa is the one, in order for toys to be given, there has to be a toy giver.
Objection.
It is not your floor.
It can't be.
Okay.
May I respond to this?
Sir.
I'll allow it.
In order for toys to be given, there has to be a toy giver.
By definition, Santa Claus is a toy giver, not a toy receiver.
Another argument.
Though we do not see Santa, we see the effects of Santa.
For instance, all my cookies are gone.
May I respond?
Go for it.
Thank you.
Mic drop.
May I have the floor?
Have you ever seen a debate?
What you are preaching here is a Santa of the gaps, quote slash unquote.
You must see that gap in your chimney and decide that Santa must fit nicely inside of it rather than letting science find the true explanation, good sir.
Science can't answer all the questions of life.
Also, if you want science, how about some hard evidence?
The writer of Santa Claus's coming to town was told to renounce Santa, but he chose to be martyred and impaled on a candy cane in the war on Christmas.
So why would he endure that if he didn't believe exactly what he wrote?
Preposterous.
You just believe in Santa.
Just reading this.
Because you can't handle the cold, hard reality that everything is meaningless, arisen from pure chance.
So you create this imaginary sleigh daddy.
Slay daddy in the sky.
Sleigh daddy in the sky.
I love that I wrote all these and Kyle's just reading them.
He has no idea what he's getting his head.
You got to type to anything.
Yeah, well, the Christmas carols contain hundreds of eyewitness testimonies.
I think I was going to add to that and I forgot to.
Boom.
But the mic drops.
Heck yes, I'm going to take your Santa.
What?
I don't know.
I was being beto.
You're going off going off.
I was being beto.
Oh.
Not allowed.
I was trying to think of all the things I've done in the Democratic debates, like the big mic drop moments.
Your Spartacus moment.
Like Tulsa.
I was that little girl.
Yeah.
Or like Tulsi, her thing about.
If you could get a Greta to come out against Santa Claus.
Yeah.
My child here says that Santa is not real.
You've stolen my dreams in my childhood.
Do you hate children?
Yeah.
So even if Santa is real, he isn't the kind of Santa that I would want to celebrate.
He is forcing victims of growth deficiency to slay for him year round.
Is that like elves?
Elves.
To slave for him year-round.
Edformed ears.
I should have added that.
Eating free cookies and constantly shouting out words that denigrate women.
That's right.
Is that ho-ho-ho?
Careful.
Oh, it's your mouth.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, stick with me on this one.
This is Rudolph's wager.
It's a classical argument for the existence of Santa.
If you believe in Santa and he does not exist, you share the same fate as those who do not believe in Santa.
Absolute misery.
However, if Santa does exist, you stand to gain toys, candy, stockings, overflowing.
While the unbeliever still faces nothing but humbug.
So the believer in Santa, technically, has nothing to lose and all to gain, while the Santa denier, whether right or not, will only face a cold and bitter, joyless winter.
It is only logical to wager on the choice that makes the most sense.
Santa Claus is real, sir.
I move to have that stricken from the record, Your Honor.
All right, I give my opponent the final word.
If you were born in Yugoslavia, you wouldn't believe in Santa.
You would believe in the European pine bowl of torment, as all Yugoslavian children do.
Boom, mic drop.
Santa destroyed in one shot.
If you were born in Yugoslavia, you'd also believe in the Eurasian pine bowl of torment as well.
I thought I got the last word here.
Good sir.
Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Damn.
That's embarrassing.
I'm sorry.
All right.
Well, I think the results are definitive here.
Yeah, you can enter your own results in at our app.
And if you're in the audience right now.
No, you can't.
Let's all vote.
Let's all vote.
Dan, moderator, who won?
I'm going to give this one to the pro-Santa position.
Bias.
Bias.
All right.
I heard that Dan works for CNN.
victory music or something here.
Okay, so I think that's conclusively settled in favor of the anti-Santa side.
And let's go ahead and move on.
Let's do our top five Christmas movies.
How about that?
Okay.
We're going five, three, four, two.
Yeah, we're going to start at five.
I'll read mine.
You read yours.
Okay.
Then I'll read mine and then you read yours.
Got it.
And then I'll read mine.
But we can ridicule each other.
And we can comment on each other.
We stole this format from a podcast called The Dice Tower, which is a board game podcast.
What was that noise?
This is supposed to be a cheerful, happy episode.
Number five.
All right, my number five top Christmas movie is Die Hard.
Is that on your list somewhere?
It's on my list.
Okay, well, you don't have to tell me what.
Insulting number five.
Number five, Die Hard.
I had a really hard time putting this in order, but anyway, Jingle All the Way with Arnold.
Oh, that's a great one.
So good.
He punches a reindeer in the face.
Is that the one where he gets the toy for his kid?
And Sinbad is in it.
And there's like the action movie.
It's just like a great, like, it's from the era of Home Alone where people getting punched and falling down a lot.
It was just really popular in Christmas movies.
And so they took the action movie Arnold and made it into a Christmas movie about trying to get a toy.
But yeah, he punches the reindeer in the face.
It's the best part.
I thought about that one.
It's a classic.
Was he drunk or the reindeer's drunk?
I can't remember.
Somebody was drunk.
Yeah.
I don't remember.
Number four.
My number four is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
That's a movie?
The classic stop-motion television show.
Rankin Bass, but it was like, it's like 10 minutes long.
Is that kind of a movie?
Well, it was kind of an event, right?
Because it would come on TV and it was, let's all go watch the program, probably.
But if you look back on it now, it's really bad.
Really?
No, but I think that's endearing about that kind of stuff.
Like their necks all look broken when they talk.
They're like...
Their necks are kind of swaying weirdly and their mouths are like falling off.
I think it's fun.
You know, I like the silver and gold guy.
That's my favorite part.
Yeah.
Silver and gold.
That's who's that guy?
Silver.
Anyway.
Fools.
His name is Burl Lives.
What's your number four, Ethan?
Mine's Gremlins.
Have you seen Gremlins?
You know, I watched like half of it.
What?
Didn't finish it.
so good gremlins is and it's definitely a christmas movie because gremlins are attacking santa in one part of it It's just a guy dressed as Santa.
But yeah, and there's great stuff.
You know, like the mom.
It came off to me as very weird 80s type stuff.
So is that accurate?
Yeah, it's great.
It's fun.
Yeah, I'm not insulting.
I'm just saying.
I like any movie where everybody's trying to kill a bunch of these little creatures.
Critters, all the knockoffs.
Anything where a lot of people die, really.
Yeah.
Wow.
Okay.
So number three.
Number three.
Number three for me is Home Alone.
I put Die Hard for number three.
Oh, there you go.
So my Home Alone choice, my kids are watching it now, and they're going through all the Home Alone movies.
Oh, really?
And I don't know.
The other two.
Was there a fourth?
My kids kept telling me there was a fourth, but I don't know.
They started adding ones with other kids in them and stuff.
I know Home Alone 3 was a different kid.
We just watched the new Rambo movie.
Yeah, Rambo.
And that's basically like Home Alone for adults.
So if you think about it, Die Hard's kind of Home Alone for adults.
Not really.
It doesn't say traps.
Yeah.
Definitely more Rambo Last Blood was Home Alone for.
But when he lowers the dead terrace down with the ho-ho-ho, now I have a machine gun sign on him and everything.
That feels more like something Kevin McAllister would do.
Yeah.
Just to own him.
Like there's no purpose to that.
Yeah, it's just to be like, anyway, anyway, Home Alone is a classic.
Yeah.
And you said your number three was Die Hard.
Did you know Home Alone was all filmed in high school?
Filmed in high school.
All the interior shots, they rebuilt all the house and like everything inside of a high school gymnasium.
If you watch the new show on Netflix about the movies that made us, they had a whole one on Home Alone.
And also Home Alone was made for like a really low amount of money for the time.
It was like $14 million or something.
And it made like gazillions.
It's crazy.
So it's supposed to be this little indie movie.
And the other thing I noticed about Home Alone, or that they bring up in there that you don't, I don't know if you noticed, but the set designer made everything red and green.
Like the entire set, every single thing.
The phone's red or green.
Like the wallpaper's all red and green.
It's like a pure Christmas movie.
Oh, it's absolutely a Christmas movie.
Yeah.
It is obvious a Christmas movie.
I never noticed that detail that everything's red and green in the house.
It was directed by Chris Columbus, right?
The guy who did the first couple Harry.
That was like his first big movie.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you can tell it's got that childlike, really focused on children, which those first few Harry Potter movies were too.
Okay, so we're moving on to our number twos.
Number two.
Number two.
My number two is: it's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown.
This is not the classic, the favorite that everybody loves, the first Christmas special of Charlie Brown.
This is a sequel.
This is a sequel.
And the reason it's my favorite is because it's the one we had on VHS growing up.
And we would watch this one over and over.
My favorite part is one of the characters.
Who is it?
It's going to mess this up.
Charlie Brown's sister?
Sally?
Is it Sally?
The one with Freckles?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I never liked Charlie Brown.
I never knew any of their names, you know.
Linus, Pigpen.
One of them goes up, and she's supposed to say Hark.
That's her only line.
And she's practicing it the whole time.
Hark, Hark, Hark.
But the whole time, I think it's Charlie Brown is holding a, I'm messing this up really bad.
One of the other characters is holding a hockey stick.
And so she goes up on stage and she goes, hockey stick.
And it's like super dry and didpen.
And I always just loved it.
So anyway, that's my.
That's your number two.
Number two.
What's your number two?
My number two maybe should be number one.
Because I left number one blank because I really wanted to put it.
Well, there's still time to change it, man.
But I'm just going to say for now, a Christmas story.
We watch it every single year.
I know for a lot of people, it's like a cliche to watch it every year.
And some people think it's overrated.
I still think it's an amazing, hilarious.
Such a unique, great movie.
Never seen it.
What?
Yep.
Are you kidding me?
Never seen it.
Unacceptable.
It's so good.
It's just.
It always struck me as one of those films that everybody loved growing up.
But probably if I watched it today, it's a little meandering.
Like it's just, there's not.
Maybe it does.
The storyline does meander, but it's just a very, it's a very slice of life.
But it's from a time that I was a kid.
It's all these funny kind of tidbits from, I don't know, there's like the bully and I don't know.
You just say, yeah, you would have to watch it.
All the movies that people tell me from that era, like this, you have to watch this.
It's just like, there's almost no plot.
Like it's just a slice of life type.
My wife's like, my main plot is he really wants this BB gun.
But I would say it's one of the greatest Christmas movies ever made.
I'll put it on the list.
And now the moment you've been waiting for.
Number one.
My number one, a controversial choice.
Tim Allen in The Santa Claus.
Hmm.
I was never, I never, I don't know if I ever saw those Santa Claus movies.
It's a great concept.
It's one of those things that you could like pitch to a Hollywood studio and be like, Santa Claus dies, and this random guy has to take over.
Like, that's just a great concept.
Is that because I don't have this on my list, but I always loved it, it's been a long time since I saw it.
Ernest Saves Christmas.
No, I've never seen it.
I haven't seen a lot of it.
I liked it.
I love Ernest movies.
So anyway, Santa Claus, we just watched it with our kids and it stands up.
And there's a couple of jokes I didn't get for years.
And now I watch as an adult.
And I'm like, oh.
Anyway, go ahead.
I got to watch that again.
Yeah, I put number one, Home Alone.
Because I just watched it with my kids.
It's so good.
It holds up.
My five-year-old loved it.
Respectable choice.
Yeah.
I mean, people getting hurt.
You know, kids love that.
And then it ties in with the holiday spirit so well.
And when you watch it later, because I remembered it as a kid, and all I remember was all the funny physical gags.
That doesn't come in until like the last 20 minutes of the movie.
When you actually watch it as an adult, you're like, oh, wait, that's just the finale.
But it's got a strong plot.
Yeah, it's so great to the whole thing.
The police officer in the beginning, you know, and then you see him coming as the robber and you're like, oh, you know, yeah, they build up to it.
Oh, yeah.
And it's more satisfying when they start getting bashed.
That's great.
Yeah.
Is that the Keep the Change of Filthy Animal?
Is that what it says?
Yeah, that movie.
Keep the chain stick.
They just made the movie for that.
Yeah.
I had a couple runners up to Lethal Weapon is technically a Christmas movie.
It's a Wonderful Life.
It's good.
It is a good movie.
I did cry the first time I saw it.
It was actually interesting.
I was watching it with Doug Tenaples' family for the first time, and it was on New Year's Eve and we watched it.
And if you know, like in the movie, there's a point where they're all watching the clock and it hits midnight.
And that's a big, the big moment of the finale.
Like our clock hit midnight on New Year's Eve, right at the very moment that it hit midnight in the movie.
And we heard the whole audio, the whole neighborhood started cheering and like fireworks are going off as I'm watching It's a Wonderful Life.
It's weird.
That's wild.
Yeah, crazy.
And then really sappy movie.
Also a little R-rated, though.
Love actually.
Super sappy romance movie from England.
But it's great.
My only runners-up would be like the Grinch cartoon.
I loved that one.
What about Jim Carrey Grinch?
Did not care for it at all.
I always liked it, but now when I recently was watching, I was like, it is really weird seeing a human in that costume.
It's weird.
And I remember the camera angles, real funny.
Like, they were always trying to do these weird, like, zoom-in diagonal angles.
Yeah, they're doing that weird 90s.
90s thing.
I don't know if it was 90s, but it was definitely a 90s feel.
I don't know.
Yeah.
It was filmed in the 90s.
Yeah, it was during that time where we make everything, make the super hyper-realistic version of all these things that never were meant to be hyper-realistic.
It wasn't as bad as what were those other ones that did the cat in the hat one.
Yeah, the cat in the hat with Michael Meyer.
Streaky.
Why?
Anyway, if you're going to watch some Christmas movies this year, you can't do.
I mean, wait, you could do worse than those films we just listed.
And if you watch Die Hard, you might not want to have kids in the room, but just throwing that out there.
But it's definitely a Christmas movie.
Absolutely.
Okay, so we have something very fun planned.
We have some listener-submitted stories now.
So we've been asking for the past couple episodes for listeners to send in stories.
We're going to read most of them here, and then we're going to save some juicy ones for our subscriber segment.
Right.
So, let's do it.
Story time.
Is that the sound better?
Is that the official sound?
You said you had one you wanted to read first.
Do you think?
Is that no, no, no.
I thought you said you had one.
There was just one where a guy sent in two, and I just picked one.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
I do think the first one, I tried to shorten this first one up.
There's something funny about it because we did just talk about the Grinch so we could read it.
Yeah, we won't read them all verbatim, but we'll summarize when we're applicable here.
Want me to take this one?
As part of a children's sermon on Christmas Eve, this is from Jim Jack, by the way.
I said Jack like that because there's two A's in Jack.
I don't know if that's in his typo or I dressed in a Grinch costume and I hid behind a door leading into the sanctuary.
My wife was teaching children sitting by the altar that Christmas is not about things, but about Jesus.
Right on cue, I slithered out from behind the door with the Grinch theme song playing, proceeded to steal each item by putting them in a large sack.
So is he actually stealing items from the children and putting them in a sack?
That's it.
In church?
He doesn't say what things they are.
What I didn't count on was what I didn't count on was one, my costume scared a three-year-old who screamed for the rest of the service.
That ties into my feeling that a human dressed as the Grinch is pretty terrifying.
Yeah, right.
A big hairy green person, naked.
Naked.
A grown naked man that's hairy.
It's already scary.
They're making green.
That's scarier than it needs to be.
The rubber mask I was wearing caused me to sweat and made my glasses fog up so that I couldn't see out of the tiny eye slits.
And I was unable to see.
Oh, unable to see.
I swaggered down the aisle.
My swinging bag of stolen Christmas items whacked a glass candle chimney, sending it shattering onto the aisle.
So it sounds like just a big mess with the Grinch costume.
I always think like pastors and stuff who do weird stuff during the service, like I'm going to dress up as Superman or I'm going to wield a chainsaw.
I always feel like at some point they need to look in the mirror and be like, is this what I went to seminary for?
Is this who I am now?
Is this what Christ was telling us to do?
No insults to Jim Jack, but that is always how I feel about that.
And he did mention here later that the three-year-old, when they were older, he slipped a picture of him as the Grinch into their something here.
Keep haunting them.
So he's kind of a psycho.
Here's a special story.
This is from my mom.
From Kyle's dad?
Oh, Kyle's mom.
My mom.
And so she says, my husband.
Your dad.
My dad.
Once filled my stocking with a giant bag of generic, of generic q-tips.
Is that name brand?
Generic.
He said that it fills the space efficiently.
It doesn't cost very much money.
I had clean ears for years.
That is funny.
I still do that.
Is that an honest gift?
I still do that.
If you get your wife a giant pair of socks or something, you can fill up a lot of socks of people.
Well, I don't know, like a big, or a big bag of popcorn or something that fills up most of the stocking.
Now it looks full.
It's efficient.
Yeah, that's good.
So.
And she says one year he also got her flushable wipes.
Big pack of flushable wipes.
My dad's not the greatest stocking stuffer, I guess.
So he got her flushable wipes.
Yeah.
It's like Merry Christmas, honey.
What do you think?
Because every present contains a message.
So the first one, he's criticizing her ear hygiene.
And the second one, I don't even want to explore with that.
Yeah, but that's what he's, he doesn't think about it.
He's an engineer, right?
He thinks about, I'm filling this.
These are efficient packages that's all up to space.
Very efficiently.
Beep boop, beep, boop.
That's not how my dad talks.
Okay, so let's move on.
Thank you for sending in that story.
He didn't.
So your dad, but your dad didn't realize they were flushable.
He thought they were just like for cleaning up the car or something.
Okay.
But he wasn't using them out of the garbage.
I don't know if that still saves you.
You're either saying the car is dirty or he just thought they were wipes.
Just like wipe anything.
Yeah.
All in one, all purpose.
Interesting.
All right.
Why don't you do the Where's Jesus one?
And I'll do that.
Okay.
All right.
Okay, this is from Brian, and it's in quotes for some reason.
I don't know why Brian is in quotes.
When I was a kid, one year my church was taking a special offering on Christmas, backslash Christmas Eve.
We walked in, we sat down, and there right in the middle of the stage was a manger with an offering plate in it instead of baby Jesus.
We promptly got up and walked out, not attending that year.
They're right in the middle of the stage, man.
That's a process that's.
In place of Baby Jesus was an offering plate.
But why don't you just use the whole manger?
You could fill more cash in that way.
Yeah, that's true.
Than the offering plate.
You think somebody just said it there?
Like they were busy?
Maybe they got a phone call.
I don't know.
They were understanding.
It seems really.
It says they were taking a special offering, so that's how they were doing the special offering.
Oh, okay.
Everybody come forward and put your gift in the manger.
Baby Jesus.
He's got his hands out.
That's weird.
All right, here's a short one from Paul Cox.
Now, Paul draws ref tunes, which are like Reformation comics.
Oh, okay.
And he'll draw like a quote from Spurgeon and a cute cartoony version of Chuck Spurgeon and stuff.
Okay.
They're pretty good.
What did you call him Chuck Spurgeon?
It sounds like you're like friends.
Me and Chucky.
You know, Chuck Spurgeon.
I just realized recently that most people don't call him Chuck Spurgeon.
Just call him the Spurge.
Charles.
Charles.
Nickname for him.
So Paul says that his family was so excited to start Christmas that they put the tree up November 1st.
And then as It sounds like as gifts, gift boxes were ripped open and ornaments shattered on the floor and there was pine needles everywhere.
They got sick of it and they tore it down by December 2.
Wait, your gift box is open.
Is that a way of saying opening presents?
He says boxes were torn.
And this is like what my kids might.
Oh, because, yeah, the longer they're there, the more opportunity.
My three-year-old will just go up and open stuff.
Yeah, they do not understand.
Yeah.
That's when you've heard of the pressure of Christmas season on little kids.
Like, it does not make sense.
Why would you leave all these toys wrapped up in that spot in the room for us to stare at for a month?
Yeah.
They don't get the torturous, like, but it's a good value.
Delayed gratification.
I have now learned to appreciate it.
It's like the anticipation, right?
Yeah.
And I know a lot of people.
It's intense for kids.
Okay, and here's the thing.
A lot of people are like, oh, yeah, Christmas is all about consumerism now and getting gifts.
But I kind of like the element where it's like, you're waiting for something.
Yeah.
And it really captures, I think, what the Christmas season is really about.
You know, where we're anticipating, where Israel is anticipating the Messiah.
You know, it's kind of that.
I know it's, I don't know.
It's not the same, right?
Because Nintendo 64 is not as good as Jesus.
But at the same time, it kind of is small shadow.
And also, like, what you, what people expected Jesus to be.
It didn't come out to be exactly.
Yeah.
Like they expected like a big cyborg guy that kill everybody and was amazing.
But it acted.
So that's like on Christmas, like you think you're going to get like a Super Nintendo, but you get like socks.
No, but it's different because you get something even better.
Yeah.
But socks are more important.
They're better for you.
I don't know.
Sorry, I ruined your analogy on that one.
Wow.
Sorry.
That was not a good thing.
Jesus is the socks of your life.
He's like the big, thick, woolly socks that are going to get you through a winter and you won't get frostbite and you won't have to have your feet lopped off.
And it's much better than the Super Nintendo.
Yeah, which can't do anything for Frostbite.
Yeah.
Did we save it?
Saved it.
I think you're still telling your story.
Sorry.
No, was that the whole story?
He said something about like a aloe vera tree or something.
That's the whole story.
Yeah, yeah.
And then he says they set up an aloe tree.
What you got next?
This one from Alan Boone sounds like a sounds like he like walked the Oregon Trail or something.
Yeah, explorer.
I grew up in a super fundamentalist church, and every year the pastor would tell all the kids that Santa doesn't exist from the pulpit during service.
So we just go up there.
Santa does not exist.
Santa does not exist.
Like I imagine him being like fog or leg horn.
My mom also taught preschool at the school run by that church and her students would get in fights, like literally like fist fights over whether Santa was real.
One kid got punched because he told another kid that his grandfather shot Santa off his roof that previous Christmas.
Do you ever get in debates about Santa as a kid?
He told me.
I remember getting in that, like, I'd be the believer.
He's real.
You still are the believer.
That's true.
I like that a kid told another kid that his grandfather shot Santa.
That's like all those, my dad's better than your dad.
Or did you hear about this?
My uncle works at Nintendo.
My dad shot.
My grandfather shot Santa.
So are they arguing that Santa doesn't exist now because my dad shot him or that he does exist?
Proof is that my dad shot him.
How does that and did he die or did he absorb the bullet and then fire it back at him because Santa's magic?
So this kid's like on the pro-Santa side.
He's like, yeah, Santa does exist.
My dad shot him.
But my grandfather shot him.
I want to know the rest of that story.
We should have got that guy to write to us.
Alan Boone.
Alan, whoever was talking about that, we need to interview him.
When you get back from your explorations with Lewis and Clark, please tell us after all the pelts have been traded in and the dusty trails have been dusted.
Dusted.
What?
Okay, here's the next story.
Actually, Santa is real sent in by Marlene Ferguson.
Our youngest son was three, and his dad was determined he would understand Santa wasn't real.
But Jesus was.
He went ahead and gave him the talk.
The talk.
That's like a message.
Come back here to this room, son.
I have to talk to you.
You can't be an earshot of your younger siblings.
Hey, Sport, you got a minute?
Later that day, I took him to the mall with me.
Above us was a helicopter, and it began to descend into the parking lot.
Out came Santa saying, ho, ho, ho.
My son stood there with his jaw dropped, watching Santa walk into the mall.
He turned to me and said, Wow, dad sure was wrong, wasn't he?
Yeah, I.
It's pretty concrete.
Why is Santa in a helicopter?
He can do what he wants.
He had his elves build it.
That's the thing is like the amount of things that Santa can build.
It's amazing that he always narrows it down to just wooden trains and stuff.
Toys that nobody wants.
Yeah, and all of the depictions, it's like, here's a yo-yo.
Yeah.
Here's a ball.
Top.
Hit the top.
Tops are the worst toys.
I get how it works because people want like a Nintendo.
And does Santa build the Nintendo or does he go and buy one?
Those elves do.
He's a slave driver.
Yeah, but they don't actually build the Nintendos.
Yeah, why not?
Because only Nintendo has the rights.
It would be copyrighted for him.
I like how he can form into a small cloud of glitter and shoot down a chimney and all this, but you're struggling with him building a Nintendo.
It doesn't make sense, I tell you.
Good, sir.
Good sir.
Wait, are we back?
Ejection.
All right, well, why don't we save the rest of our stories for our subscriber sites?
I got a few too.
Oh.
Ethan's stories.
No urine ones.
No urine-related stories.
I don't think.
We'll see.
Now you're not sure.
How can you not be sure?
Well, guys.
Is that it?
Is it our Christmas episode?
Except for the best stuff, which is going to be in the subscriber portion.
That's most of it.
We just wanted to say that it's the end of the year, and it has been a huge year for the Babylon B.
It has been crazy.
We launched our podcast over in the summer, and it's doing very well.
And you guys are making that happen.
Yeah.
I don't know why I'm talking like William Shetner.
You guys are making that happen.
Yeah, I'm always amazed when I look at the iTunes.
I'm like, man, this many people chose to take time out of their day and review.
Yeah.
So nice.
So cool.
Remember, everybody, Jesus is the reason for the season.
For this season.
That's right.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Enjoy your family.
Enjoy your cookies.
Enjoy the concept of Santa Claus.
Yes.
We should talk about in the subscriber portion too about whether or not you should teach your children that Santa is real.
Okay.
Some people are very opinionated about that.
That's controversial.
Very controversial.
So if you want the spicy, controversial stuff, go to Babylonbee.com slash plans.
In my questionable life stories.
And Ethan's questionable life stories.
And paid subscribers get bonus content every single week.
And no ads and other benefits.
So, you know, it's a lot of fun.
So in the spirit of the holiday, here's some crass commercialism.
Buy our product.
Please drop your money in the offering plate, which is in place of baby Jesus.
Put your money in the manger on the way out.
We'll talk to you guys after the new year, probably.
I think.
Ho, ho, ho.
Kyle and Ethan would like to thank Seth Dylan for paying the bills, Adam Ford for creating their job, the other writers for tirelessly pitching headlines, the subscribers, and you, the listener.